tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11786197195521085062024-03-13T22:04:09.298-07:00Nothing But CartoonsGood or bad, old or new, popular or obscure. <br>
If it's animated, I'll overanalyze it and review it, regardless of what it is and who made it.
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<b>NOTE: ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.</b><br>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger62125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-45304540098175701512012-05-22T12:28:00.000-07:002012-05-26T10:22:48.418-07:00Animated Shows on DVD - How Some Companies Just Don't Give A DamnNot a review and not a list, but I felt like typing an observation (or a rant, but it's a well-informed rant with lots of pictures, so at least I know what the hell I'm talking about) that's been eating away at my brain for years now, just festering in my brainmeats like some sort of tumor that just needs to be cured with some sort of chemotherapy. <br />
<br />
Namely, how some companies totally rip you off when they release their animated show on DVD. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsG_4TtDQ3vfVonK2tILWyutnXFB0lQK2wy-P_cmVWbHwAmR07-yBXXNde5s2dxFEozvDTVodrNZA_mM-oTSx14z0nM1dLgijyXAPUvnKqQs5-bb8oDJtV9OXHRCgDeJ7oDIS_ROZYf0Q/s1600/DVDs.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsG_4TtDQ3vfVonK2tILWyutnXFB0lQK2wy-P_cmVWbHwAmR07-yBXXNde5s2dxFEozvDTVodrNZA_mM-oTSx14z0nM1dLgijyXAPUvnKqQs5-bb8oDJtV9OXHRCgDeJ7oDIS_ROZYf0Q/s400/DVDs.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, there goes my rent money.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Collecting DVD box sets of animated shows is a relatively recent thing that sort of needed the invention of DVDs in order to properly work. Whereas before you had to have like 20 VHSes on standby in order to collect your favorite episodes of Tiny Toons, now, you can just go out and <i>buy</i> the show. We live in a glorious, disc-filled age where, if you feel particularly fond of a certain show, there's an 80% chance that you can run out and get the DVDs and everything will be hunky-dory. Companies like Shout Factory! (and yes the punctuation is required) thrive on the business that is nerds having to own physical copies of a certain show because sometimes the Internet access will go down, you're too inept to work a decent torrent, or the only existing video files of a certain show are blurry videos on Rutube with Russian subtitles. <br />
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And, as you might expect from someone who owns a blog like this, I own a lot of shows on DVD. Like, a frightening amount. And, like everything, from video games to books and replacement hips, no DVD is the same in terms of quality.<br />
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But today, I'm going to talk about how sometimes even a great show beloved by all can be completely and utterly screwed over by a weak DVD package. This is the tale of one such show, a pretty popular show by all accounts, one that should be familiar to fans of cartoons, and the struggles it faces as its parent company seems to believe that fans of the show will just buy whatever they deal out to them regardless of quality. <br />
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First things first, though. What's the level of quality one expects from these things? <br />
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I have quite a few DVDs (I'm purposely avoiding photographing my entire collection in fear that people on the Internet will judge me for wasting money) so I've notice that you tend to see one of three different qualities from the companies. <br />
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Very rarely, you'll get DVDs like The Simpsons and the Futurama DVDs, which have audio commentary on every single episode and so many deleted scenes on each disk that you can splice them together and make a whole new episode. The Simpsons and the Futurama DVDs are downright amazing, and might be one of the few cartoon box sets you can find in blu-ray. Cartoons everywhere should aspire to be as great as The Simpsons DVDs. In a perfect world, every show would have audio commentary, because I want Lou Scheimer to, in his words, describe what he was thinking when he wrote Rollerghoster because what the hell, man.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdCtSYsPXj1D_r7XEaVp0ctcQx7A6FaJC7O14epYOgmKtOEVYacddrgTkySeQSDHIciW5kMAv00xk-vLBP-5F-uDv3470IRhW-3t_c0fFjmNEQfIPGi3prqD11UxriUEsZIH8xE2rksmo/s1600/DVDs1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdCtSYsPXj1D_r7XEaVp0ctcQx7A6FaJC7O14epYOgmKtOEVYacddrgTkySeQSDHIciW5kMAv00xk-vLBP-5F-uDv3470IRhW-3t_c0fFjmNEQfIPGi3prqD11UxriUEsZIH8xE2rksmo/s1600/DVDs1.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If there was a set this nice for The Mask: The Animated Series, I can die happy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Most of the time, however, your basic show DVD will be like the
Animaniacs DVDs. All of the episodes, some features, just your regular
run-of-the-mill set. The show may be slightly remastered, or it still
might contain some grain. Either way, it's there, it's presentable, the menus are barebones but at least fit the show, and it will have an extra or two just to justify paying twenty dollars for what you can most assuredly find on Youtube if you look hard enough (although lately a lot of shows have been cracking down on this just to make sure you buy the DVDs, so there you go.)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTUB2nlhKOdFvmQ7MQwvAuQUoPPJI3fgJ_1ePa15B5N-Qn5sa1Z4jycL6npMA28vIFWY3U3kuxOU_QMhbtu2w96DiB0ocnsXYp5OgRi0e84lvocFOvR1fyUimcPj29SsH9My45W02dH-I/s1600/DSCN4468.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTUB2nlhKOdFvmQ7MQwvAuQUoPPJI3fgJ_1ePa15B5N-Qn5sa1Z4jycL6npMA28vIFWY3U3kuxOU_QMhbtu2w96DiB0ocnsXYp5OgRi0e84lvocFOvR1fyUimcPj29SsH9My45W02dH-I/s400/DSCN4468.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm mostly uploading this photo to show that, even though I do like Creepy Crawlers, <br />
I still have SOME taste in cartoons.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
However, some companies don't seem to realize that, when
you release a show on DVD, you need to take some care into packaging the
whole deal. And I'm going to talk about one of the biggest offenders of
not giving a crap about their shows; Disney. <br />
<br />
And I'm going to be talking about one show's DVD release in particular, the Darkwing Duck DVDs.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9USHaM-bdJ2xuv_CXJqNNFJotLxmUFnGdpeCv3AhnBl85Ohrxaz7neYkuG-CoOgiYWWQ-Pt4SUHrKFutVBMtrsTcAhyphenhyphendrTUu32CB50gDftcXJYwpj8yVTGz63-LRYnjWuZ8yVL2ihLZU/s1600/DarkwingduckDVD.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9USHaM-bdJ2xuv_CXJqNNFJotLxmUFnGdpeCv3AhnBl85Ohrxaz7neYkuG-CoOgiYWWQ-Pt4SUHrKFutVBMtrsTcAhyphenhyphendrTUu32CB50gDftcXJYwpj8yVTGz63-LRYnjWuZ8yVL2ihLZU/s320/DarkwingduckDVD.jpg" width="228" /></a></div>
<br />
Before anyone gets offended, I love the crap
out of Disney. A lot of their shows are amazing, they've produced some
of the best animation you could ever find, and I can probably recite the
entire Hellfire song in my sleep if I wanted to. In French. But even I, an owner of a Disneyland Season's Pass and owner of a framed poster of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, knows crap when I see it, and that's exactly what the Disney Afternoon DVDs are. <br />
<br />
But first some backstory. Basically around the year 2006, Disney realized that there were pasty dorks on the Internet that still cared for their 90's shows about ducks and, dollar signs in their eyes, basically rushed out as many DVD sets as they possibly could in a short span of time in order to dip into that untapped market. <br />
<br />
...and then, around 2007, completely ditched the idea, leaving all of the shows unfinished (Darkwing Duck has a whole third of the show still not on DVD) and leaving many more shows without DVDs (hello, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command and The Wuzzles...), basically leaving every Disney fan pissed off with their lord and master. <br />
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Now, that alone would make these DVDs seem like a shoddy job, but this is Nothing But Cartoons, the land where I spend way too much time talking about the littlest of details. I need to be as subtle as a hydrogen bomb here, so not only am I going to rant about these DVDs, I'm going to humilate them. Just to drive this point home of not-giving-a-crappiness (and that's a word, auto-correct. I don't care what you say!), I'm going to compare Darkwing Duck's DVDs to <i>Bravestarr's</i> DVDs, because this is where it gets really ridiculous and really shows how much Disney cares about things that aren't marketable Disney movies like Beauty and the Beast or any of the Pixar films. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyonP0fpCq_AdFb1CgNua3Zfu22Y_qW2MAXmMG5VspP_W3yCH97AJO7Wg1rggafcWwtkbvZQ6gKc1KjcJ0JiBCfN5TstO-0FxwGZV7QcxHMLCsY3XXSSTLKYvfvfco8Wa8bPAKOHVAPGg/s1600/DSCN4474.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyonP0fpCq_AdFb1CgNua3Zfu22Y_qW2MAXmMG5VspP_W3yCH97AJO7Wg1rggafcWwtkbvZQ6gKc1KjcJ0JiBCfN5TstO-0FxwGZV7QcxHMLCsY3XXSSTLKYvfvfco8Wa8bPAKOHVAPGg/s400/DSCN4474.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Disclaimer: I am not a professional photographer.<br />
Disclaimer 2: Yes, I own Bravestarr DVDs. I'm ashamed too.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Why am I comparing these two sets? Well, Bravestarr is not a show most people remember. It was a Filmation show that didn't do as well as He-Man, lasted only one year, had a toy line that bombed, and had a limited theatrical release. I've only managed to find two whole fansites of Bravestarr on the entire Internet, and both of them were defunct and had to be accessed through archive.org. It's pretty much one of the most obscure shows that has a box set release. I'm honestly surprised that this show has a box set release, because I've seriously found more people who remember Street Sharks than Bravestarr.<br />
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Darkwing Duck, on the other hand, has a huge cult following. The fandom has been active for a very long time, there are more Darkwing Duck fansites and fanart and fanfic than you can even imagine, the show got its own comic book series, and is considered one of the most beloved 90's shows of all time. <br />
<br />
Hell, all you need to know about how much more popular Darkwing Duck is to Bravestarr can be answered with one simple Deviantart search.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDsGNsQR5D7rM_JFkyb3SXruMOnGcDHtwy1Iq5II1e__llTR9s8bv6YQIeeuerMjRi-ITa5eGEGie5iblyCP-LnqbVFu4dr_YbqElL-ZE7Nx9tqTXRuVZAf9lUkWn-gjsPFSa4Fu-PVSw/s1600/Darkwingduckvsbravestarr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDsGNsQR5D7rM_JFkyb3SXruMOnGcDHtwy1Iq5II1e__llTR9s8bv6YQIeeuerMjRi-ITa5eGEGie5iblyCP-LnqbVFu4dr_YbqElL-ZE7Nx9tqTXRuVZAf9lUkWn-gjsPFSa4Fu-PVSw/s640/Darkwingduckvsbravestarr.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I also searched for Street Sharks just to hammer the point in.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So here's my question. <i>Why the hell are the Bravestarr DVDs so much better than the Darkwing Duck DVDs?</i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPI1Tx3vTBAO2nDlaBBJbkcJkkGtiW2izX3OpAgWy_QSDGfDL_38xxIRcMFSoT3NuRJpCB7HRw9iDjSnXh5keHisZxND1EOQ_2IOmI35yuWdCTjRVX2A9ZQsTIKLAxLPKwVDeIjnok04s/s1600/DSCN4475.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="329" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPI1Tx3vTBAO2nDlaBBJbkcJkkGtiW2izX3OpAgWy_QSDGfDL_38xxIRcMFSoT3NuRJpCB7HRw9iDjSnXh5keHisZxND1EOQ_2IOmI35yuWdCTjRVX2A9ZQsTIKLAxLPKwVDeIjnok04s/s640/DSCN4475.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at all those special features for a show no one watched. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The other reason I'm comparing the two shows when it comes to DVD releases is that the Bravestarr DVDs are frighteningly good. I mean REALLY good. We're talking "these things have image galleries, series bibles, scripts, and professional concept art" good. As in, the <b>worst</b> feature in the set is the audio commentaries, and most shows don't even have audio commentaries in their sets. <br />
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I can't stress this enough. <b>YOU CAN DOWNLOAD AND READ THE ENTIRE MOVIE'S SCRIPT.</b><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieolyT3iHAlc-BdwJ2pvRsZ5oNYutwnwiDBxSs9HKQm5iUT0G0yqG0sX3er8x8-rrEbbVNGNEcptssMdtiXn5fNyWzajBUT1micF0m4zpebE6izAdy4l3oHrHlR1OgsLZn6zqCwT4dU1A/s1600/hellyesscripts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieolyT3iHAlc-BdwJ2pvRsZ5oNYutwnwiDBxSs9HKQm5iUT0G0yqG0sX3er8x8-rrEbbVNGNEcptssMdtiXn5fNyWzajBUT1micF0m4zpebE6izAdy4l3oHrHlR1OgsLZn6zqCwT4dU1A/s400/hellyesscripts.jpg" width="306" /></a></div>
But you're not here to listen to me gush about how facemeltingly amazing these DVDs are (no seriously, run out and buy the Best of Bravestarr set if you even remotely like Bravestarr) so now, I'm going to check off all the many things the Bravestarr DVDs do that the Darkwing Duck DVDs can't seem to do correctly.<br />
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<b>1. The entire show is on DVD. </b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibEs3vvzkTyZmE0U2t6wP2vPq-CxYdlxazn7KZJ_0w_tC9tkrQuVMLxnOSxlO9D_GJZoE3ys-tWv3CVUNBanMCGTOYcHOfJNiwZnXdjqsKd2NVqG0SKhNGJfe8KzoSG4WWakzLUaYeYO8/s1600/completeseries.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibEs3vvzkTyZmE0U2t6wP2vPq-CxYdlxazn7KZJ_0w_tC9tkrQuVMLxnOSxlO9D_GJZoE3ys-tWv3CVUNBanMCGTOYcHOfJNiwZnXdjqsKd2NVqG0SKhNGJfe8KzoSG4WWakzLUaYeYO8/s1600/completeseries.jpg" /></a></div>
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This is the biggest thing for me, and the one thing that so many fans of Darkwing Duck complain about. <i>Where the hell is Season 3? </i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvHAqSpvnvDHmnMdBRhaQQ-wSxD6algmaGiW2LdAnO1nWEHJ-5L3c8OX4b7TuK_51zRs89Av_RiWU5GqOICo73GRUSqsQhTTuH6q0o_dbxHqcbsFIFwTveqgRPLVgsgo0XMg28pOs35Yc/s1600/Wherethehellisseason3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvHAqSpvnvDHmnMdBRhaQQ-wSxD6algmaGiW2LdAnO1nWEHJ-5L3c8OX4b7TuK_51zRs89Av_RiWU5GqOICo73GRUSqsQhTTuH6q0o_dbxHqcbsFIFwTveqgRPLVgsgo0XMg28pOs35Yc/s1600/Wherethehellisseason3.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wikipedia says "TBA" which is brutally optimistic here.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Bravestarr has 65 episodes and a feature length film, all of them accounted for. Darkwing Duck has 91 episodes and currently, 37 episodes aren't on DVD. You can find them on Youtube, yes, but suppose you want to watch Darkwing Duck on your high-definition TV or without the network bugs or in just all-around better, sharper quality?<br />
<br />
Then unfortunately, you're like fans of Jungle Cubs, The Wuzzles, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, and Bonkers. You're up the creek without a paddle because Disney ain't helping ya.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1kr5y8IjjpkGqrdo_eQ-Dfgu5W0VAmAFvSoZ5V1e0ygYzDlxcKj47sE_b_kNjV-agqqiYCjOJ46rXgark9BMQd_d83U6efWYRoojiU9VMI0rNwNzCDTgwCJiFu97O6fP7gGyHfC3RwbA/s1600/wuzzlescrock3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1kr5y8IjjpkGqrdo_eQ-Dfgu5W0VAmAFvSoZ5V1e0ygYzDlxcKj47sE_b_kNjV-agqqiYCjOJ46rXgark9BMQd_d83U6efWYRoojiU9VMI0rNwNzCDTgwCJiFu97O6fP7gGyHfC3RwbA/s320/wuzzlescrock3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I certainly don't see any problems with this video quality! Nosiree!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>2. The episodes are uncut.</b><br />
<br />
Hey, Disney. You know your movie "Darkly Dawns the Duck"? It's got scenes missing. You kind of sort of put the Toon Disney run on the DVD when the whole point of having the DVD is to have the entire footage and that's a real dickish move. Now, if you want to see the entire movie completely uncut, you have to buy the VHS version off of eBay and that just sucks.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, nothing's uncut from Bravestarr, which means I can watch a
young teen slowly die from a drug overdose and a scary dragon demon made out of smoke and nightmares with
acidic blood get stabbed in the chest without worrying that certain
scenes would be cut for violence or time. Because if I'm paying for DVDs, I want the full package. Glowing spit included. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu3aAOXSdW2y68RQUQ5SrykOawFDGKnAxpFVJKVSN4Pkt_JL4lu-vPbr95EThiMBsZQaEAY7lFbFOFQ0Jl832PcRv-ghCRKLshOuSs-f_sn_6Svd1LuiNcbU9GFTUrGb041WNSbz3YDIc/s1600/Untitled80.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu3aAOXSdW2y68RQUQ5SrykOawFDGKnAxpFVJKVSN4Pkt_JL4lu-vPbr95EThiMBsZQaEAY7lFbFOFQ0Jl832PcRv-ghCRKLshOuSs-f_sn_6Svd1LuiNcbU9GFTUrGb041WNSbz3YDIc/s320/Untitled80.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although if you tried to make cuts to Bravestarr, you'd end up with like two minutes of footage.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Yeah, why do I get the feeling this show would not run unaltered today? Scuzz alone would probably get so many soccer moms on a channel's ass...<br />
<br />
<b>3. The menu interfaces are way better. </b><br />
<br />
Here's the menus for the Bravestarr DVDs. Animated, colorful, and capture the spirit of the show.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEJ4OkKFVbDGxvO4jgkQXon2jTF5Q_yCBoTQq8tDUFg-jU-4rMNpgZb1ukY38dttNP-AShGv7HNpMLjD_At-mc_QQngMpVLWxCas53h2M_hW6EpG11ZKor9W2PZ7gZO7dkbAQ3GFpJUO8/s1600/BravestarrDVDs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEJ4OkKFVbDGxvO4jgkQXon2jTF5Q_yCBoTQq8tDUFg-jU-4rMNpgZb1ukY38dttNP-AShGv7HNpMLjD_At-mc_QQngMpVLWxCas53h2M_hW6EpG11ZKor9W2PZ7gZO7dkbAQ3GFpJUO8/s320/BravestarrDVDs.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEwRticikGUV_G2QpndcITrfHCePcDZejwrpTd2xflXTOLMB_B10OnQPZxi_bWSLCaNPp4TlfWP5wV5KFa_HXcJg8rL3H9Anz02yTfIWlIWuW3cEsJxGuUeXwhLD65SyiqMSp14d7WXsQ/s1600/BravestarrDVDs2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEwRticikGUV_G2QpndcITrfHCePcDZejwrpTd2xflXTOLMB_B10OnQPZxi_bWSLCaNPp4TlfWP5wV5KFa_HXcJg8rL3H9Anz02yTfIWlIWuW3cEsJxGuUeXwhLD65SyiqMSp14d7WXsQ/s320/BravestarrDVDs2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And yep, each episode has actual chapters, something a lot of box sets neglect.</td></tr>
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Now here are the menus for the Darkwing Duck DVDs. Lots of grey is used. Instead of going with something that'd be pleasing to the eye, Disney tries to narrate a story where Gosalyn is on a daring safari when her foot gets stuck in a giant snot monster while Darkwing Duck and Launchpad watch in horror.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5P2C0B4mQcLBELXsXWt3dzRgZPQ5ZNNLMzxYUTjC9tI2RCNf6Q25OgZad8leejHNu7ImhpYXkd13OCbGPhsDuxJhZZHnBfHkDFbI-mvUeNNmZx81uEc_AhhIrHHw-x0-YXxsQSUJk__U/s1600/DarkwingduckDVD1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5P2C0B4mQcLBELXsXWt3dzRgZPQ5ZNNLMzxYUTjC9tI2RCNf6Q25OgZad8leejHNu7ImhpYXkd13OCbGPhsDuxJhZZHnBfHkDFbI-mvUeNNmZx81uEc_AhhIrHHw-x0-YXxsQSUJk__U/s320/DarkwingduckDVD1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wow, I certainly can tell what's in store for each episode by the small thumbnails!</td></tr>
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Do I really need to say anything? I mean, look what they chose to represent the cartoon!<br />
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Again, one of these DVDs was made by a company that has the fraction of the budget that Disney has. <br />
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Oh, and these DVDs were released within a year of each other so there's really no excuse. <br />
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<b><br />4. There's actual bonus material and special features. </b><br />
<br />
Bravestarr's DVD releases has special interviews, promotional art, commentary, scripts. Think of the Bravestarr DVDs as the grandma in your family that just spoils the hell out of you and buys you candy and ice cream and tickets to Knott's Berry Farm without a second thought. And you just adore it, because man, you weren't expecting such treats but you totally enjoy them nonetheless.<br />
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<br />
Darkwing Duck...has closed captioning.<br />
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...whee?<br />
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<b>5. The artwork on the packaging is incredibly nice.</b><br />
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Look at the DVDs for the Bravestarr box set. They come with episode guides and trivia aplenty, because the makers of this DVD set care and want to make sure you leave your movie-watching experience happy and refreshed.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnzpfLFIX_KssDATTn6GY4lW028pBjJ7V1y-SImQMZobMeQOMNI2S2pyVByHdww4WZi4UDq-hif8mRIO2M2gpKTYxd4juQ1QnSupieZnos5BZaXbylqRr1vYy39cZsCoG1k-MeTQEoBi0/s1600/TFR9880.tmp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="416" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnzpfLFIX_KssDATTn6GY4lW028pBjJ7V1y-SImQMZobMeQOMNI2S2pyVByHdww4WZi4UDq-hif8mRIO2M2gpKTYxd4juQ1QnSupieZnos5BZaXbylqRr1vYy39cZsCoG1k-MeTQEoBi0/s640/TFR9880.tmp.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Now look at this artwork on the Darkwing Duck DVD. Remember, this is the company that has some of the most beloved artists in the world on their payroll and are renowned for making some of the best animation artwork of all time. The people who made "The Old Mill", a short dedicated purely to art and beauty, also made this DVD box set. Look at this artwork while keeping that in mind. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3dW3-IApwUNUcR78r5HmPETb5i7vdsL9ntoaVVEgoO8W9if04OZ50rgCnl2tffsEAyhO-x_1Uo912vHB8HCB532pSb7jjefP0VzBk-KvYxlZn0nxKS1OcPFCCur00gvbUMVdY1zbkIeA/s1600/img_0001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3dW3-IApwUNUcR78r5HmPETb5i7vdsL9ntoaVVEgoO8W9if04OZ50rgCnl2tffsEAyhO-x_1Uo912vHB8HCB532pSb7jjefP0VzBk-KvYxlZn0nxKS1OcPFCCur00gvbUMVdY1zbkIeA/s400/img_0001.jpg" width="282" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Commissioned by someone's five year old niece.</td></tr>
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...I think I'm done here.<br />
<br />
But mostly, the biggest punch to the gut is that Disney can and <i>has</i> done way better DVDs than this. <br />
<br />
So why the lack of care for their TV shows? <br />
<br />
I'm not saying the Darkwing Duck boxsets need so many features, but the least they could do was add <i>something</i>. A good example would be the Batman: The Animated Series DVDs. They don't have audio commentary on all of their episodes, but they had a couple. I mean, Bravestarr just had audio commentary on their movie and on "Eye of the Beholder" but that was enough to be satisfying, and they threw in things like scripts, interviews, and an image gallery! Is it really that hard to throw in some turnarounds for Darkwing Duck in there just as a bonus to justify the 29.99 suggested retail price? Is it really hard to pay a little more TLC to the packaging or the menus? I wanna see some development sketches of my favorite characters. Better menus! <i>Anything! </i><br />
<br />
So basically, what I'm saying here is that a studio with a lot less
manpower and a lot less funding could shell out way better DVDs than a
giant mega-company that owns ESPN and ABC Family, and it certainly makes
Disney look pretty bad.<br />
<br />
...oh, and this post was basically one giant advertisement to the
Bravestarr DVDs, which are fantastic and awesome in so many different
ways for DVDs about a show that I'm positive no one watched.<br />
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Thank you obscure Filmation show for inexplicably having the best animation DVDs I've ever seen.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-14160716918821564212012-05-09T12:56:00.158-07:002012-05-30T10:56:24.331-07:00Filmation's Ghostbusters - RollerghosterHey guys. Still doing finals, but since I turned in a paper and have some downtime between now and the next finals next week, I figure I'd crank out another Filmation post before resuming hiatus. I would say I'd make up for lost time somewhere down the line, but considering the length of these posts, I'd give myself carpal tunnel trying to achieve like a 14 post month sometime during the summer. <br />
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Most people know about Filmation's Ghostbusters by accident. For a brief period of time between the release of the movie Ghostbusters and the release of the TV show The Real Ghostbusters (which happens to be named that way due to this show, by the way; I'll get to that in a minute), kids would read that there was a Ghostbusters cartoon in the TV guide, turn on the idiot box in hopes of watching the exciting antics of Peter Venkman and Slimer, and learn the meaning of the phrase "crippling disappointment".<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Guys, I don't think the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man is in this...</td></tr>
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Oddly, the most interesting thing about this show is the backstory behind its existence. It's what people in the legal business call "a heaping pile of WTF". Back in the day, Filmation had a live-action TV show called The Ghost Busters, a short-lived live action show where two bumbling detectives and some guy in an ape suit (okay, "a gorilla") tried to stop ghosts and supernatural crap. It only lasted 15 episodes (on account it kind of sucked), meaning the legacy of Ghost Busters should've ended there. Unfortunately, some small-time studio called "Columbia Pictures" wanted to make some small-time movie called "Ghostbusters", and they had to obtain the rights to the name from Filmation for the film. Ghostbusters ended up becoming a huge hit and an instant classic, and Filmation, seeing that there was money to be had from the name alone, went into production with its animated series based on the characters from their original 15-episode series. <br />
<br />
In short, the name is the entire reason why this show exists. Welcome to the world of capitalism.<br />
<br />
But in fairness to this show, it at least<i> tried</i> to deviate itself from the godawful live-action series it spawned from. For starters, since its an animated show, the ghosts can actually use magical powers and behave more like, well, ghosts and the gorilla can finally look like a goddamn gorilla. This show is also supposedly where Tex Hex from Bravestarr originated from, which makes it even sadder is that this show is considered a cult classic on Wikipedia whereas the Bravestarr Wikipedia page is just "This exists". <br />
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Unlike Bravestarr where I had to struggle with choosing an episode, picking an episode for Filmation's Ghostbusters was almost<i> too </i>easy. While Bravestarr I had to shift through all the episodes with mature themes in order to find something I could laugh about, Ghostbusters was as simple as picking an episode blindly and realizing that it doesn't matter what episode I choose, I'm going to run into some strange crap either way.<br />
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I hope you can tolerate ghost puns, people. The title won't be the last ghost pun that will<i> spook</i> its way into this <i>deathly</i> scary post!<br />
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<b>Rollerghoster</b><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh hey, the only cartoon that delivers you fresh nightmares with the title card.</td></tr>
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<b>Airdate:</b> October 2nd, 1986</div>
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<b>Availability: </b><span style="color: lime;">On DVD<span style="color: black;">...for over 40 dollars.</span></span></div>
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<br />
Before I even start to talk about this show, I'm going to make a pledge right here and now that I am not going to make any Ghostbusters comments or comparisons. I'm going to judge this cartoon while completely ignoring the other franchise so that I don't spend twenty pages on whether or not Egon could win in a battle of wits against a superintelligent gorilla in khaki shorts. Both franchises deserve better than that. <br />
<br />
...which is why I let a little wail of despair because it turns out Ghost Command is located in what looks like a copyright-friendly version of New York City, the same location the other Ghostbusters are located. Geez, is the Big Apple like sitting on several thousand ancient Indian burial grounds (considering the history, I'm guessing "yes") and a couple portals to the spirit world? This seems like an obscene amount of supernatural activity if there's so many ghosts that there's multiple ghost busting organizations in direct competition with each other within the same city limits. <br />
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Not only that, but while the headquarters for the Real Ghostbusters are located on just some city street, Ghost Command decides to be more lavish and looks like it's located in-between <b><i>the World Trade Center's Twin Towers</i></b>. Well. I'm sure there's no possible way <i>that</i> could make watching this show feel awkward while watching this with modern context. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4846T_B7T88Tj41q5zSY2w1gCTj00U6dkCz4iSJZtZAVKmRbYc1QalTuIC_8K6zRStUIRSRiI4zTbNmRhNmDfBFBE7yorJCiPbDQoIjhXojAj2B5oOmoAaF3Yj64Zr6rrP8TtzOZz6ME/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4846T_B7T88Tj41q5zSY2w1gCTj00U6dkCz4iSJZtZAVKmRbYc1QalTuIC_8K6zRStUIRSRiI4zTbNmRhNmDfBFBE7yorJCiPbDQoIjhXojAj2B5oOmoAaF3Yj64Zr6rrP8TtzOZz6ME/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I would've made a joke involving ghosts and the Twin Towers, but then I realized that I'm not a horrible person.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Inside Ghost Command, we see some fat doofus with no taste in ties or footwear chastising an equally dorky kid to behave himself. Well crap. Time to add "Filmation's Ghostbusters" to my list of shows that have annoying little kids that are vaguely related the main leads. The blindingly dressed man to the left is <strike>Egon</strike> Eddie <strike>Spengler</strike> Spenser Jr. and the kid is simply known as Corky, the nephew (what a shocker) to a new's reporter that's going to appear in this episode in a couple minutes. We're off to a good start, because it has barely been a minute in and already I feel deeply embarrassed for both of these characters and they didn't even have to say any dialogue. Who wears bright yellow pants and who wears a shirt with the Ghostbusters logo on it? Honestly! <br />
<br />
And speaking of hideous, look at the choice of decor in this house. Ancient bookcase filled with books no one in this company is going to read? Check. Random water cooler that desperately needs to be refilled? Check. Odd use of cafeteria doors next to a completely wooden door? Double check. Filmation doesn't know anything about attractive color palettes? Check and mate. <br />
<br />
But seriously guys, get some fashion designers or an interior decorator, for the love of all that is holy. This is making the grey jumpsuits the other Ghostbusters wear look downright stylish.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQXHWRuE5QOjVETAsa5zD5hkut_eNNrobpRFusRsIqhB1-TVYu0h2WXa5-QgSOrt2DtaMp5gI_jyozxEQWNnV9myR_1umxOKvF3ZErmGgC4tzghArIGsx9_jEM8phwOxXEQ8U4KuZos4M/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQXHWRuE5QOjVETAsa5zD5hkut_eNNrobpRFusRsIqhB1-TVYu0h2WXa5-QgSOrt2DtaMp5gI_jyozxEQWNnV9myR_1umxOKvF3ZErmGgC4tzghArIGsx9_jEM8phwOxXEQ8U4KuZos4M/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We Ghost Busters pride ourselves in our total lack of dignity!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Before I got sidetracked by the hideousness, Corky tells the strange, stiffly-animated man that he's going to be good with his patented "Female Voice Actor Imitating a Kid Voice But Failing Badly At It" voice. Of course, like most kids in both cartoons and real life, the moment he hears that he has to behave himself, he literally goes out of his way to make sure he <i>doesn't</i> behave himself. <br />
<br />
However, since Corky isn't too smart, his idea of not behaving himself is frightening a several hundred pound animal with a trumpet. <br />
<br />
...this kid isn't going to live to make it to middle school, I see. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy38xI81ek8WQfI3Ilfytjc0okHEw7XhJ6KO-kJi34QOUM-9OfVRfNJHcBLNZEKnHee45lzPDDS45JR_wrp2FFsR8-jA5h3MabO1rH0glA57YSFDkxqYmyWCTh-CgSQXz0RJBkldgevAg/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy38xI81ek8WQfI3Ilfytjc0okHEw7XhJ6KO-kJi34QOUM-9OfVRfNJHcBLNZEKnHee45lzPDDS45JR_wrp2FFsR8-jA5h3MabO1rH0glA57YSFDkxqYmyWCTh-CgSQXz0RJBkldgevAg/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And that's how Corky became a paraplegic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The fat doofus decides that he'd better intervene before the intelligent ape in the room (named Tracy, because he's a <i>sophisticated</i> monkey) goes bezerk and twists Corky's head off, so he says "Let's look at Skellevision" without trace of emotion in his voice to betray just what kind of weird crap was gonna go down. Now, I was watching this without any prior knowledge of this show, so let me tell you, when all the characters gathered around this giant skull attached to weird decaying feet that can somehow convert his eyeballs into a television screen and a gorilla with shorts started pounding the skull to get better reception, <i>that's</i> when I realized that I was watching something that shouldn't be ingested while sober. And it's only going to get worse. Just warning everyone ahead of time.<br />
<br />
Also, Eddie bears a striking resemblance to Bill Murray. Sorry, I'll stop bringing that other ghost-related franchise up...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ubOXCN4vR6Y-NvmcgEtPvXTVnFdLKGU_iJoPfGA-_2OHOG4fAZrKP2jZG_bImGQKEMu4RF5pjEx-9Bj0I_7ki4-crKXaaj4QVUnarrqFNT39mOwLPr8Hd3Vu1dlOrw9Kf8a7XscKf-c/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ubOXCN4vR6Y-NvmcgEtPvXTVnFdLKGU_iJoPfGA-_2OHOG4fAZrKP2jZG_bImGQKEMu4RF5pjEx-9Bj0I_7ki4-crKXaaj4QVUnarrqFNT39mOwLPr8Hd3Vu1dlOrw9Kf8a7XscKf-c/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey, kids! Scooby-Doo making too much sense? Try watching <i>this</i> show!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While a giant ape does awkward things with a sentient skull that can pick up telecommunications, Corky was outside painting mustaches on the statues. I like how even though he's a big enough fan of the Ghostbusters to own one of their licensed T-shirts, he still feels the need to deface their possessions for the lulz. What a dick. We don't actually <i>see</i> this happening (because that would require new animation), but both our other main protagonist (named Jake Kong Jr., and no, I don't get why the name "Kong" wasn't applied to the actual kong in the room) and a pink bat named Belfry are pretty pissed about it, making their presence known to the viewers. <br />
<br />
I have to say, it's sad how, the more Filmation I watch, the more I realize how they just sort of pull concepts and ideas throughout all the different shows. My opinion on Happily Ever After just plummeted in the last couple of weeks because not only was Scowl based off of Scuzz from Bravestarr but Batso was clearly based off of Belfry here. It's like cartoon inbreeding in that movie!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlMMQ-jz92BdyQhXMRDlt4uqEkyM3QfHquXRrhwMfyh0N_xlMJGmjfwULP21tq_PJo4eMeAScrGP45D1xq3K2cAuIPsrl3C_6Tp4oqkAo8CmOVni1dx3x7SqdLkJ8BgsN4Ng56oNTaQck/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlMMQ-jz92BdyQhXMRDlt4uqEkyM3QfHquXRrhwMfyh0N_xlMJGmjfwULP21tq_PJo4eMeAScrGP45D1xq3K2cAuIPsrl3C_6Tp4oqkAo8CmOVni1dx3x7SqdLkJ8BgsN4Ng56oNTaQck/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Guys, there's blood coming out of the faucets in the company bathroom. <br />
Do we still have that exorcist's number on autodial?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So while the kid is forced to go clean up his mess, April O'Neil (okay, Jessica, Corky's aunt, but she has <i>the exact same voice</i> even though the characters have different voice-actors) reports on a new amusement park called Ghost Park. What's so exciting about Ghost Park that it has to be on the local news? Why, it's an amusement park that's ghost themed and it just opened! <br />
<br />
You know what <i>that</i> means? It's slow news day in New York City!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEismDFYrH3eTe754rwfCxwABusqB8W_F_90FByizuuPlpEMLnIvsI_KKvEuAsm-ko4xaEJsDB6ndFQXc7HiR67lKOPmxTF1Z8tBh9DtCms8xuPMHmIrb1V7jgJ_CylkVQGL5btKPLKaMN0/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEismDFYrH3eTe754rwfCxwABusqB8W_F_90FByizuuPlpEMLnIvsI_KKvEuAsm-ko4xaEJsDB6ndFQXc7HiR67lKOPmxTF1Z8tBh9DtCms8xuPMHmIrb1V7jgJ_CylkVQGL5btKPLKaMN0/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Turtles...ghosts...what the hell's the difference?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But someone is not happy that someone on Earth is capitalizing on ghosts, for that very same broadcast was watched by our main villain, Prime Evil. Before I start talking about what this guy actually does on the show, let me just copy his dialogue verbatim here to show you the kind of first impression he made on the viewers in this episode. Observe. <br />
<br />
"That so-called Ghost Park! How dare they make fun of ghosts! I'll show them! They'll wish they've never heard of ghosts when I'm finished!" <br />
<br />
...excuse me, I need a moment.<br />
<br />
Okay, did the script writers read this crap out loud? Do they know <i>why</i> I'm laughing so hard I can barely breathe? Way for all of this villain's credibility to instantly fly out of the window and into a dumpster the moment he opens his mouth.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbAu33FDvatgK_8NArnL_SN5XlniEx9NKPVmnE3vOFRwRcVZv8xEkkvDXctoa77-qJnYmQFyadgpZSPrLv9SRcvz2dr65f6nRkUfSNxKtROC3CXZ44SPxRiqvSLCZ1kN-Kz1Gx3nncUkI/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbAu33FDvatgK_8NArnL_SN5XlniEx9NKPVmnE3vOFRwRcVZv8xEkkvDXctoa77-qJnYmQFyadgpZSPrLv9SRcvz2dr65f6nRkUfSNxKtROC3CXZ44SPxRiqvSLCZ1kN-Kz1Gx3nncUkI/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like how the main villain can afford a lavish mansion in another dimension and yet can't afford a flatscreen.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Brat-A-Rat, which happens to be the levitating legless Wuzzle reject on account every Filmation villain <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LRJy1Chxhe8/TwnpNjM1EPI/AAAAAAAADyA/wzwnecYv07A/s1600/happilyeverafter24.jpg">needs some sort of</a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm5vpe-jAUiDfs_V2NmW27q6EmzyUVsDywkgGUmnfAIaJlHCFfWrhQ5KocT7wDVxwMCO2Pt-mWD7aWLWymJ6BWWUhY0luIHUablbuf_KRMAgZUrJYzIqz65adalxBGISE7xdV5-eUcDac/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken7.jpg">weird vermin following them around</a>, laughs in glee (and not because his boss said the stupidest villain speech in the history of everything) and asks him what he's going to do, so Prime Evil says that he's going to show those pitiful humans what a REAL ghost park is like. I don't know about you, but I'm expecting great things from this villain. Lord Maliss is motivated by revenge, Tex Hex is motivated by greed, and Skeletor is motivated by world domination, but Prime Evil is motivated by the mean poopiehead humans making fun of him and that hurts his feelings. <br />
<br />
And, just when you thought this villain couldn't get anymore pathetic, when he tries to summon Apparitia, she just ignores him, which causes Prime Evil to yell like a six year old that didn't get his treat. Prime Evil; in less than a minute, he made any plot point that appears in Loonatics Unleashed look well-constructed by sheer comparison. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpLgPgAtlwGAzZ6HjvVPMiET44D0YXdJDGtQF71PtDNPjxQ3v9g-61ePTwLnLNyooY-hPt6PLaYes_Ynobj5_ypJ3lLCQLKxosoanOS7B1ZTebAkg4xhoUjqbFUU4MGk2OjWPv3opGr2U/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpLgPgAtlwGAzZ6HjvVPMiET44D0YXdJDGtQF71PtDNPjxQ3v9g-61ePTwLnLNyooY-hPt6PLaYes_Ynobj5_ypJ3lLCQLKxosoanOS7B1ZTebAkg4xhoUjqbFUU4MGk2OjWPv3opGr2U/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, it's like they assembled these villains with the leftover scraps of other, better shows.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, the Ghostbusters all decide to go to Ghost Park, the amusement park with the most creative and original name ever. Because <i>screw</i> actually doing your job and being the only weapon against the supernatural realm that constantly threatens your fair city, there's an amusement park where the balloon vendors are dressed like skeletons! <br />
<br />
By the way, check out the remote for the Skellevision. Good lord, this show. I don't know how they did it, but they managed to make a hero team that has a gorilla look extremely dorky.<br />
<br />
...but to be fair, their archnemesis is <i>Prime Evil</i>. I'm pretty sure not more needs to be said.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz47MMw70i2b5tF_YbJ9w4euJFYVV4vzPe1Zx7o4AsdrdY-FIRDnjgS7H62c-ZEwCiefpCqSAKqiG-Zze7RXOnikq_-u8Z0DXl4PoJDQk-8BB9trXPoOCZXdWGkCE4TFKqMzFrec7eC_0/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz47MMw70i2b5tF_YbJ9w4euJFYVV4vzPe1Zx7o4AsdrdY-FIRDnjgS7H62c-ZEwCiefpCqSAKqiG-Zze7RXOnikq_-u8Z0DXl4PoJDQk-8BB9trXPoOCZXdWGkCE4TFKqMzFrec7eC_0/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That seems like a really inconvenient way to watch the TV. At least put the hideous skull on a stand or something...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
All of the Ghostbusters are so stoked about this terrible idea that they're even taking their half-naked wild animals with them. I like how none of the Ghostbusters think it's a bad idea to take their pet gorilla and their pet bat, neither of them on any restraints, to an amusement park filled with thousands of people. Way to be inconsiderate of people with possible animal dander allergies, you assholes. <br />
<br />
Also, in addition to looking like Batso, Belfry also kind of looks like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh if he was a vampire. The creativity of the character design renders me absolutely speechless!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdajkr1HG8WJCzs4fu6isop3k9BE6fIh5AcvS0R3zr51ls-74Yu_O1HKAtLARlDZxCuiEwYWE_2A1GSLBMsNb0U_74tvRW5rl_989-dr0m5GZukcGoDNeaS1vSpYTbnEU5kOhOItNHjKU/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdajkr1HG8WJCzs4fu6isop3k9BE6fIh5AcvS0R3zr51ls-74Yu_O1HKAtLARlDZxCuiEwYWE_2A1GSLBMsNb0U_74tvRW5rl_989-dr0m5GZukcGoDNeaS1vSpYTbnEU5kOhOItNHjKU/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We're going to infect the park with typhus and Lyme disease!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Back at "Oh my god, I can't help but point and laugh at this villain" manor, Apparitia, who is a typical female villain that also has a voice that sounds like a lawyer-friendly version of Mae West, is hiding out in her room and avoiding Prime Evil's calls because, I'm not kidding you, she can't find her amulet and has the hiccups and therefore is too embarrassed to show her face. <br />
<br />
...our villains, ladies and gentlemen. They're terribly inconvenienced by hiccups and amusement parks. I'm seriously questioning why they would even<i> need</i> the Ghostbusters at this point. I'm pretty sure some preschoolers armed with Sock'em Boppers could fight these idiots and win.<br />
<br />
Also, if you ever decide to watch this show, get used to that pose she's making here. Apparitia has an extremely rare bone disease (called Filmationasia progessiva) that makes it so she always poses her arms in that really awkward manner that exhibits zero emotion. Because to hell with having readable silhouettes; posing like a weird Egyptian drawing is <b>in</b> this season.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqDWPJDvPJdBZVa90nkmYggoZAc4gJeZR_dUABq4CrNJ3IY-sRS7TMp9RLuhn9ewq3YmFom4aYqUMaFG23LiuSbKO0YlCUw2fX2y773l7mtAohUVIbBpXjYHFSVeiinA9OfVtP84lEw1A/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqDWPJDvPJdBZVa90nkmYggoZAc4gJeZR_dUABq4CrNJ3IY-sRS7TMp9RLuhn9ewq3YmFom4aYqUMaFG23LiuSbKO0YlCUw2fX2y773l7mtAohUVIbBpXjYHFSVeiinA9OfVtP84lEw1A/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holding your arms in a natural manner must be something only meant for humans.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And, just in case these villains haven't stricken fear into your heart yet, when Apparitia finally moves her green ass and appears before her embarrassing lord and master, all of the ghosts in the room have an argument over what cures the hiccups. Even Prime Evil joins in.<br />
<br />
I'm <i>dead </i>serious (ghost puns!) when I say this. So far, all this main villain's done in this episode is break a TV because there's a ghost-themed amusement park, cry about how people make fun of ghosts, and then suggest how to cure the hiccups. <b>This</b> is our main villain, people. This is why the Ghostbusters exist and why Ghost Command needs to be in operation.<br />
<br />
To think, Tex Hex was inches away from working for this whiny idiot. Prime Evil makes Skeletor and Lord Maliss look badass. No, ignore what I just said. Prime Evil makes <i>Scratch and Grounder</i> look badass. He makes <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzCU0jaOtsSorW0-KZgjEvTygpueTw-zKLsswIzLCuXnMKtqWNiwHhMB-B4fibZh6_zOpZgiH1IYbzxSFj0p1ANp2igb7ree3fwXyn78qPBMEFoUH81neDb_Yfw3VmmMnE2OZlH9a32WQ/s1600/streetsharks14.jpg">Slash and Slobster</a> look badass. I've had snails in my backyard more badass than this pile of crap. I've officially found the worst villain and from now on, whenever I encounter a terrible villain in a cartoon, I'm going to go "Well, he's lame, but is he <i>Prime Evil </i>lame?". <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI80eZTl6cO10TEEtYMJqRu35bqhwKmaSTVk9UGR94DOjSfe9-di153RSrreTBxFi4sYemxehLl3mDvIvD5fI4fTlVTXp4RZgpVGUI8mg9AEMspsmUOIFx_qz8JRRPcrq16wLrcQHsX04/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI80eZTl6cO10TEEtYMJqRu35bqhwKmaSTVk9UGR94DOjSfe9-di153RSrreTBxFi4sYemxehLl3mDvIvD5fI4fTlVTXp4RZgpVGUI8mg9AEMspsmUOIFx_qz8JRRPcrq16wLrcQHsX04/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"My mommy says I'm the best evil villain in the world!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As an unnecessary scene about hiccups drags for way too long, it turns out the amulet around the green woman's neck cures her hiccups and she had her amulet around her neck the entire time (which is <i>so</i> not a cover-up for using old animation, because to draw Apparitia without her amulet would require all new cels), but that's not really what's important here. What's really important is that Whiny McTerribleVillain wants Apparitia to haunt Ghost Park and show them what real ghosts can do! Notice how Prime Evil is such a pathetic windbag that even the task of terrorizing an amusement park is too much for him, but hey, at least he won't be in the rest of the episode. <br />
<br />
And just so she does the job right, he's sending his ugly floating minion Brat-A-Rat with her. Uh, it's a goddamn <i>amusement park</i>. How hard can it be? I know the bar's already set pretty low for this show, but that must be really insulting for Prime Evil to basically tell some ghost that he has such low confidence in their success that they need adult supervision in order to scare random strangers in an amusement park.<br />
<br />
...and how the hell is Apparitia going to haunt Ghost Park and scare people out of their wits<i> if the entire point behind Ghost Park is that it's an amusement park centered around ghosts and is <b>meant</b> to be scary?</i> Okay, that's it. You guys have all lost your villain privileges. Go get a job at Taco Bell or something because you're obviously sucking and failing without a parachute here. You're making the very concept of antagonism look bad by existing.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtAE-56ivOuTzCVbxrAso6g44iciGpagrAGtqzM2aeCSsydb8UCZDRyxtxRW16YVY-kN3SCu0rEhL5pLtSncwfxuElSKS4l5UY7xV37jqSehJh31LgLDn-PBWnB9mQ3nvEzobarE9eupU/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtAE-56ivOuTzCVbxrAso6g44iciGpagrAGtqzM2aeCSsydb8UCZDRyxtxRW16YVY-kN3SCu0rEhL5pLtSncwfxuElSKS4l5UY7xV37jqSehJh31LgLDn-PBWnB9mQ3nvEzobarE9eupU/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, sorry, Prime Evil. Make threatening poses all you want; you're still a loser.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After making The Duke of Zill look threatening with his own terrible performance, Prime Fail then sends his much cooler henchmen to the real world by playing an organ that shoots musical lasers out of the keys that turns a levitating lizardrat and a green-skinned woman into energy beams so that they can travel through a wormhole and across the dimensions in order to haunt some random amusement park. <br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
All I can say to that is drugs are bad, kids. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEYi5XiUVYr2iWSK2u6dPZZGAdrNBIQq5IIqvwZgne7P0mEl954KjFKnu2UFsNUC_H5FrvnyrImm28TIN3xMU_S52gb0ccQjippYKTeXC4HXYSUX5lxY3Uu2uKoxboztwHxE3IvXV1BQE/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEYi5XiUVYr2iWSK2u6dPZZGAdrNBIQq5IIqvwZgne7P0mEl954KjFKnu2UFsNUC_H5FrvnyrImm28TIN3xMU_S52gb0ccQjippYKTeXC4HXYSUX5lxY3Uu2uKoxboztwHxE3IvXV1BQE/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm now picturing Prime Evil doing the keyboard solo from Van Halen's "Jump".</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
That's when we actually get to look at Ghost Park that's got Prime Evil's panties in a twist and, to be honest, I think our main villain is being a giant crybaby about this place because it looks absolutely harmless. It doesn't look anymore insulting that what most kids do for Halloween. What, does Prime Evil soil his diapers, suck his thumb, and start bawling whenever Knott's Berry Farm turns into Knott's Scary Farm? Does he cry for twenty minutes and have to drink from his bottle whenever he passes by a Halloween costume superstore? What's his limit?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXUIWiQGKAD3L4qQj_Mlec9I_r9GfEjOxWxWEVYR-lJlGVBbRKgf9YVZYW34R3mFI3I2DzaRaQwqAcifBS2HCjH9wQSXWSESF_EY0uaYZZM8bP_EqAhAvMrzexrJPwJz35Js2s9vZ0gkQ/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXUIWiQGKAD3L4qQj_Mlec9I_r9GfEjOxWxWEVYR-lJlGVBbRKgf9YVZYW34R3mFI3I2DzaRaQwqAcifBS2HCjH9wQSXWSESF_EY0uaYZZM8bP_EqAhAvMrzexrJPwJz35Js2s9vZ0gkQ/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although maybe this is considered racially insensitive to Prime Evil...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It doesn't take long for the ghosts to arrive at the park and learn that the Ghostbusters are here too. Man, what are the odds?<br />
<br />
They also hide in a bench and do poltergeist-related things with it, because to hell with it, they're ghosts. They might as well do things like making weird noises and causing a bench to randomly turn hot. I just wish they'd be a little bit more edgier and do things like entering Corky's body and causing him to vomit green acid everywhere while his head turns 360 degrees on top of that, but we can't always get what we want. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9z8OQXioX9-eUhiL6fBQlUDC3UTZB-gUlrcCTVMpFfxCgOWl0BXf9VQZCwzM7fcjB2YUuc1ADhTsZ_Sx4E_Nqhymo_iaYFF_BEBCSGLSWK3L9LWN4ujLennD5HXO16nvRrwyWovhmVBc/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9z8OQXioX9-eUhiL6fBQlUDC3UTZB-gUlrcCTVMpFfxCgOWl0BXf9VQZCwzM7fcjB2YUuc1ADhTsZ_Sx4E_Nqhymo_iaYFF_BEBCSGLSWK3L9LWN4ujLennD5HXO16nvRrwyWovhmVBc/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can't believe I found a show that makes Felix the Cat: The Movie look sensible.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
What happens next after they fool around with the fat, lazy protagonist is to taunt the Ghostbuster and inform him that they're here to terrorize this fair park (because avoiding detection by the heroes is for<i> smart</i> villains) by doing...well, see for yourself.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWQwUdpF_wnNgfMPvl1cFIHXD-Sh2g6feNR9qtSZkV37UyeT5ddjYly9Z84nso_qydIj1qdLEr2Mzw0obqLx5mXjkRQ4fz4duWsgENGdpSBXNLHfq-DNKn-ppkDJ6Dup200M1ix95gMA0/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWQwUdpF_wnNgfMPvl1cFIHXD-Sh2g6feNR9qtSZkV37UyeT5ddjYly9Z84nso_qydIj1qdLEr2Mzw0obqLx5mXjkRQ4fz4duWsgENGdpSBXNLHfq-DNKn-ppkDJ6Dup200M1ix95gMA0/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kids, this is why you don't drop acid at an amusement park.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After the ghostly phantasms of a decapitated rodent head and a decapitated witch head rise out of the amusement park bench he was sitting on and some random child thinks that he's having a bad acid trip, the fat loser in bright yellow pants runs to his friends, who are conveniently all gathered in the same place, and yells that he saw Apparitia and Brat-A-Rat. You gotta love how all the Ghostbusters treat this as a very serious thing and immediately spring into action like something terrible is going to affect all of mankind when we already saw just how "threatening" the ghosts really are. God help these people if they ever run into a<i> real</i> villain in this show's run.<br />
<br />
Also, Eddie lost Corky. But that's not so much the ghosts' fault as it is Eddie's fault for being such a crappy guardian. All he did was shout "don't talk to strangers" and sit his fat ass on a bench while the kid wandered off and got lost. That boy's going to end up on the back of a milk carton before he graduates the sixth grade, I know it.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhde85LqlGCU3_2L3RgGzH91yMPUKeLt419A2IntrQHCE85FcH5ZGLS5zWzHiK0hYHszUsz8fcc7k7X0Ub_UAy93AOJ4PHGQDR7y1MV18LGKLhqtdr3ZqjvAty8NL3yA1cOEXADNkRdknM/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhde85LqlGCU3_2L3RgGzH91yMPUKeLt419A2IntrQHCE85FcH5ZGLS5zWzHiK0hYHszUsz8fcc7k7X0Ub_UAy93AOJ4PHGQDR7y1MV18LGKLhqtdr3ZqjvAty8NL3yA1cOEXADNkRdknM/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh man, did you see those prices on those blooming onions? Highway robbery!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, the two ghosts are about ready to do their job and terrorize the rollercoaster (ooh, is it the Rollerghoster the title card hinted at?) when they run into Corky, who starts yelling at them for stepping on his foot. I wonder if Corky is incredibly near-sighted and normally wears prescription glasses, because he doesn't at all notice that the woman standing next to him is green and has a giant floating rat lizard right next to her. Kid, you're a big enough fan of the Ghostbusters that you have one of their shirts and yet you <i>can't </i>recognize several members of their rogue gallery when they're standing right next to you? What the hell?<br />
<br />
After some dialogue that only exists to pad the episode, Apparitia then realizes that he's the little boy that was with the Ghostbusters and talks the kid into following them into the rollercoaster, preferably backstage where no one can see them. Corky instantly accepts. Corky's a bit of a dumbass, you see.<br />
<br />
And gee, I wonder what our lesson for today is going to be. This scene <i>does</i> occur right after a scene where Eddie makes a point to yell "Don't talk to strangers", but I'm going to need an unnecessary end-of-an-episode moral in order to be perfectly sure...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho_tZjZekAsVjGILCkzO3dczFLndX91pU-aTSlt-RI2B9wkVhN6xa-L4PdraxLwmjPhwiHJoogYLtQxB3cw5TH2JQtbrNKgrslQGI5jqfX0arESr4aMSgPy7FVsbLmjbA7R2bgknHSvA4/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho_tZjZekAsVjGILCkzO3dczFLndX91pU-aTSlt-RI2B9wkVhN6xa-L4PdraxLwmjPhwiHJoogYLtQxB3cw5TH2JQtbrNKgrslQGI5jqfX0arESr4aMSgPy7FVsbLmjbA7R2bgknHSvA4/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Whoa, lady. Try dressing in something from this decade."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While that's going on, the Ghostbusters are hard at work searching for the dumbass kid. Clearly they're masters of their craft, the most effective weapon against evil, for not only do they completely abandon their task at finding Apparitia and Brat-A-Rat (because it's not like they're completely evil ghosts with supernatural abilities who love to terrorize humanity or anything), but their solution to a kid getting lost is covering absolutely no new ground, standing in a circle in some random location in the park, not moving at all, and hoping that if they shout long enough, Corky will hear them and stop being lost. Smart! <br />
<br />
...so, no one in this park commented on the fact that there's a giant gorilla running around? Even if the Ghostbusters are the most popular things since the Beatles (and they aren't; no one's asking for their autograph and Corky's the only kid with a Ghostbusters T-shirt) you're still going to run into someone whose first thought to seeing a gorilla walking around is "Holy crap, an escaped wild animal! Call animal control!" <br />
<br />
Also, gorillas aren't brown, but I guess if Nintendo can get away with it, so can Filmation.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSjEhwpKaiXVg55IbqIapR_U2ga1rHHTx2YLitCDWl4hwQBBgCJgIfq6yME2fm3qFuKub3wesQkNlxAiMcK2tHEF1rWahI-HQO5sT6E4__7rWqSW3Amsr6ph9qdIosF5m7_uDfZ4DFpWU/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSjEhwpKaiXVg55IbqIapR_U2ga1rHHTx2YLitCDWl4hwQBBgCJgIfq6yME2fm3qFuKub3wesQkNlxAiMcK2tHEF1rWahI-HQO5sT6E4__7rWqSW3Amsr6ph9qdIosF5m7_uDfZ4DFpWU/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm sure we'll find Corky if we yell his name a bunch of times!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now, you'd think their useless search would lead them absolutely nowhere and this episode would end with a horrifying media circus calling for Ghost Park to be shut down after some unlucky employee discovers Corky's putrefying corpse three days later. Fortunately, pure dumb luck is on their side, because the place they chose to shout Corky's name over and over is also the place where Parker, the owner of the park (and good god I hope that pun is completely unintentional), has a booth <i>and</i> he happens to recognize them as the Ghostbusters <i>and</i> he saw Corky walk into the rollercoaster with a strange lady! It's a Christmas miracle! Or at least the miracle of lazy writing. Seriously, name one amusement park where the owner and manager is just sitting out in the open and twiddling his thumbs instead of actually <i>managing</i> the place. <br />
<br />
But before Parker calls upon the powers of Deux Ex Machina, he makes this face. I'm beginning to see why he paid so much attention to some random little boy; dude's obviously a creeper and probably would've kidnapped Corky if Apparitia didn't get there first. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitR4lyj8dEm6HLLtK-oD6FcBr8EBrZ5o-lhXnneeAVyJyol7DD3oDPhdhhI3ix6mSyFffkKdEIf0YD7-DcKo64J_d8k7BJKU-7DWeunhdNfVk7DqY5klWi2ptaKWHFPdc1_iP3MYkPCkE/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitR4lyj8dEm6HLLtK-oD6FcBr8EBrZ5o-lhXnneeAVyJyol7DD3oDPhdhhI3ix6mSyFffkKdEIf0YD7-DcKo64J_d8k7BJKU-7DWeunhdNfVk7DqY5klWi2ptaKWHFPdc1_iP3MYkPCkE/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Mah boi!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since they have to search for Corky and fast, they need someplace private to strip off their civilian personas and turn into the Ghostbusters, vanquishers of all that is spooky and dead. There's no phone booths nearby and changing in the public restrooms would just generate too many questions from strangers, but luckily, Peter Parker has an office they can use (what kind of amusement park owner says "Sure" when someone asks them to use their office?) where they can initiate the once an episode transformation sequence. Cue the godawfully catchy 80's music and the stock footage! <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, we don't see the entire transformation sequence in this episode, but what we <i>do</i> see is still stranger than words. I really wish the Ghostbusters, instead of vaguely saying that they need somewhere private, just told Parker what they were<i> really </i>going to do in his office. I would love to see the look on the old man's face when he hears that they're going to use black magic to summon an altar made out of human bones that leads to another dimension where they'll strip down to their underwear and don giant laser guns capable of banishing a soul into limbo. <br />
<br />
And huh. This show looks a lot less dorky if you take everything literally, now that I think about it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKIEnIP9ZIW4_V14ENq9T9bAHL-UhrDZ-vkwcCZ3AlHMhavBP7mOzCpgFj3jbOkSSyH__S3wsadMHuP7YgfSvNK5maJ9dspM0FwNAVGuz9f2bku8tKWsgVlJ47gDTbd-TyI_7ox8pqn1M/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKIEnIP9ZIW4_V14ENq9T9bAHL-UhrDZ-vkwcCZ3AlHMhavBP7mOzCpgFj3jbOkSSyH__S3wsadMHuP7YgfSvNK5maJ9dspM0FwNAVGuz9f2bku8tKWsgVlJ47gDTbd-TyI_7ox8pqn1M/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDXl1xT6lqY2J7M4d70uwTTV_Drxtap3zcUoLhbw1ntN1MeKoRD_aTzdJfkDmCFZgLcijsje12XVpb454PnRgLW0_88C7O3PEwhmcdAbQHa78A-K_HJKEetq3YAscZznIHhkPaC-iraKQ/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDXl1xT6lqY2J7M4d70uwTTV_Drxtap3zcUoLhbw1ntN1MeKoRD_aTzdJfkDmCFZgLcijsje12XVpb454PnRgLW0_88C7O3PEwhmcdAbQHa78A-K_HJKEetq3YAscZznIHhkPaC-iraKQ/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The universe is way too sober for this show.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
What's the product of the transformation sequence, which involves elevators made out of skeletal remains that lead to another dimension? <br />
<br />
Uh, these costumes. <br />
<br />
...did this really warrant the use of the theme song, guys? <i>Really?</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwYegJHjPUUqlGT_nS2opEfKCBZxLtvHtlYBfKFJDNx9sN9VxUJZ6ohgLJF9hK-w1OwB4HrP6JBB63FOTfGAZlKMHqHJr2IvhbeuAyDxGXTyw3EexcntnZIe9tkrRt7LIwRbb_YWp4txk/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwYegJHjPUUqlGT_nS2opEfKCBZxLtvHtlYBfKFJDNx9sN9VxUJZ6ohgLJF9hK-w1OwB4HrP6JBB63FOTfGAZlKMHqHJr2IvhbeuAyDxGXTyw3EexcntnZIe9tkrRt7LIwRbb_YWp4txk/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I guess they can't fight ghosts without wearing the proper footwear or something...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The moment the two Ghostbusters are in their Ghostbuster gear (so they can now resemble their action figures, and yes,<i> this show had merchandise</i>) they can now do what Ghostbusters do! <br />
<br />
...which is exactly the same as what they were doing when they were dressed in normal clothes. As you can probably guess, the Ghostbusters really got the short end of the stick when Filmation transformation sequences were handed out. He-Man can make his clothes disappear and his pet tiger into a snarling battle mount, Thirty-Thirty can switch from faithful steed to an anthropomorphic horse with a gun that can blow up mountains, and the Ghostbusters...get safari wear and aviator goggles. Whee. <br />
<br />
And, just to add to the confusion, April O' Neil's still at the park and, after hearing about how her best friends just lost one of her relatives from gross negligence (she takes the news so well too), wants to help too. I guess the opening of a ghost-themed amusement park is <i>such</i> a hot story that it needs on-the-minute updates from one of the city's top reporters because I can't think of any other reason why she'd even be here. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgElfRad8nnVlP19vbozdv1FOgRDchcODgzmzShDsVuZxAJQjKc9b9yiil8XEV-MJFqOjMyBNBN2qnzg3J0HWIP8VTlE6prgyb8u8BFyFserknl83ZFzksKhW2J9cEHIguUiFrW1QYRo3M/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgElfRad8nnVlP19vbozdv1FOgRDchcODgzmzShDsVuZxAJQjKc9b9yiil8XEV-MJFqOjMyBNBN2qnzg3J0HWIP8VTlE6prgyb8u8BFyFserknl83ZFzksKhW2J9cEHIguUiFrW1QYRo3M/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Seriously, why'd you make us watch your nephew if we fight <i>ghosts</i> for a living? <br />
You should've known this would happen!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since Parker saw Corky enter the rollercoaster about five hours ago (pacing is an issue with this cartoon), that's considered the best place to look. You know, even though by now, I'm positive Apparitia's most assuredly killed Corky and is drinking his bone marrow for sustenance. There's a back entrance to get to the rollercoaster, but instead of just helping the Ghostbusters do their job, Parker, decides that he wants to be an asshole by making creepy pedophile faces and mentioning that it's dark, spooky, and full of cobwebs and herpes in the back entrance. This causes Eddie, our designated comic relief on account he's fat, to get scared and start stuttering. The skinny guy tries to reassure him by saying he's too old to be scared of the dark; however, <b><i>I</i></b> would've said "Dude, you're a goddamn <b><i>Ghostbuster</i></b>. You fight ghosts for a living and one time took down Count Dracula himself and you're <i>still</i> afraid of the dark? Grow some balls already, Eddie."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie8jMuuy9w_NP_Em3YmWfl8KTUv8QH0DDhhv_-tNLMqGoOu0Wb15W-7EayKBFKEg9u8pDpi8X2D8vHk51YY4vKyj0EhSJnoQQj4FOpv685mz4247WXBvbkTTOOUWKl-1fN0jMqgdvx7RQ/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie8jMuuy9w_NP_Em3YmWfl8KTUv8QH0DDhhv_-tNLMqGoOu0Wb15W-7EayKBFKEg9u8pDpi8X2D8vHk51YY4vKyj0EhSJnoQQj4FOpv685mz4247WXBvbkTTOOUWKl-1fN0jMqgdvx7RQ/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I would ask why he's still on the company payroll but then I remembered that he fights Prime Evil.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Speaking of Corky, we haven't really checked on the little turdnugget in a while now to see how he's faring. You <i>would</i> think that the moment you see Corky willingly follow an evil woman with supernatural powers and an animal just loaded with rabies and bubonic plague into a dark, secluded area with no videocameras that he'd be in actual danger and that Apparitia is doing something like tying him to the rollercoaster tracks or stealing his soul through his nipples. I mean, the bad guys have a hostage. Something bad's happening right? <br />
<br />
Well, let me put it this way. You're watching Filmation's Ghostbusters here. There's no real stakes. Not only is Corky<i> not</i> in any real danger, but he's actually causing trouble for the bad guys and managed to steal Apparitia's amulet. I'm not kidding you. Two ghosts with incomprehensible powers our feeble little mortal brains can grasp that normally reside in a parallel dimension filled with the souls of the dead, and some ten year old can steal their magical trinkets and outrun them. Man, do I wish one of the bad guys from He-Man would just take Apparitia and Brat-A-Rat's place because these two have entered a weird territory where they're just <i>so</i> pathetic and <i>so</i> lame that I feel like I'm picking on someone with special needs by making fun of them.<br />
<br />
Although to be fair, Corky's kind of a douche in this scene. He doesn't even know Apparitia's a ghost (but to be fair, none of the ghosts in this show actually look like ghosts) so, from his point of view, he's just randomly stealing some woman's amulet because he heard it can cure the hiccups. Am I supposed to feel sorry for this kid? I kind of want the ghosts to do something horrible to him.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg31mqbaZURbMtp48w-QR6CYt_jDEq5ag4mVbQk1xirJjYL3vjp4g4fFXZmaqLPt2Kx8FSUkQJ8A2g1V3rl_hDeSgs9y6VQAYrYFqB_pes2wZMnMs5kW1QL3INJ2uP3bBXO1ynoy7Ms1Ns/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg31mqbaZURbMtp48w-QR6CYt_jDEq5ag4mVbQk1xirJjYL3vjp4g4fFXZmaqLPt2Kx8FSUkQJ8A2g1V3rl_hDeSgs9y6VQAYrYFqB_pes2wZMnMs5kW1QL3INJ2uP3bBXO1ynoy7Ms1Ns/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijs6dlZ9MZyBqb5BT_9XoiBMP1lu0XmAS469AiWk4_KisMODPcP8ZgC0KgP8jtNvwerQAqMiVPjzq2Kr8oAxPbGZSEPwVXAHD_tjzPq1AfwgpdDg2kxP7hQCsgfQHRulVlbSB9HF9MlLg/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijs6dlZ9MZyBqb5BT_9XoiBMP1lu0XmAS469AiWk4_KisMODPcP8ZgC0KgP8jtNvwerQAqMiVPjzq2Kr8oAxPbGZSEPwVXAHD_tjzPq1AfwgpdDg2kxP7hQCsgfQHRulVlbSB9HF9MlLg/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm beginning to see why people make fun of ghosts in this universe...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
What follows is an unfunny chase sequence in the rollercoaster loaded with unfunny cartoon violence where Corky somehow eludes creatures that can teleport and phase through walls. It's said that if you slow this cartoon down during this scene, you can pinpoint the exact moment where the cartoon just gave up. We've already lost track of what the original plot was (hey Apparitia and Brat-A-Rat, remember when you were supposed to scare everyone in the amusement park so they learned not to make fun of ghosts?) so the episode, now sputtering and coughing like a cancer victim, decides that maybe showing some ghosts making some funny faces will placate us. It ain't working, Filmation. It ain't working.<br />
<br />
This scene also illustrated to me that they use the term "ghost" loosely in this show. Ghosts are the visual manifestation of a deceased person's spirit, right? So...how is it that they can get hurt by slamming doors if one of the key features of ghosts is the fact that they're not physical living beings like you and I? And while I'm asking questions,<i> what the hell was Brat-A-Rat when he was alive?</i> Is he the soul of what makes up a hot dog? Did some cruel researcher make a legless lizard-rat thing in a government lab and it died from complications of the horrible surgery? And for that matter, what's Apparitia? I need world building! <i>Something!</i><br />
<br />
But really, the fact that they're physically affected by a slamming door when I've seen them turn into mist and pass through a solid floor is just bugging the crap out of me and I want to hunt down Lou Scheimer and ask him what the hell's going on here.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoE1ruArRfk3lWvOXe_LUJeGwAfEGUD-NtaxjSkmT_VQXADTscJJKwS2gW5sB2j2txSTSkhG5ZUPzTG73e463Kc2tRX82Kxke-ojD_PsGrmPIswRLkZAj0DxB46Mt8eSlWMSaxLb6NEDE/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoE1ruArRfk3lWvOXe_LUJeGwAfEGUD-NtaxjSkmT_VQXADTscJJKwS2gW5sB2j2txSTSkhG5ZUPzTG73e463Kc2tRX82Kxke-ojD_PsGrmPIswRLkZAj0DxB46Mt8eSlWMSaxLb6NEDE/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: I don't even have a clue.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While that is happening, the three Ghostbusters are wandering around in the roller coaster (known as the "Rollerghoster" because hey, title drop!) while Eddie decides to see just how close he can get to breaching Scooby-Doo's copyright without getting sued. Ha ha, it's funny because the Ghostbuster is frightened by cardboard skeletons when one of the villains in this show is an actual skeleton and this show doesn't make a lick of sense while riding on the coattails of other, better shows! <br />
<br />
All I can say to this is the fact that this show has more fans than Bravestarr will never cease to amaze me. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7feMivQXmpvZ6wC1zSa_jUi4wxY-iags4StmEIWxYG92vrb4FMiit1CLmlxy9deTmWvWoCX8o3pFEb6Ocjlo9jNJBaj0f0Ibbg5yJ4qO-bJAn3rxrO7LaeHHgzJ1ecHk130lh6e_p0ug/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7feMivQXmpvZ6wC1zSa_jUi4wxY-iags4StmEIWxYG92vrb4FMiit1CLmlxy9deTmWvWoCX8o3pFEb6Ocjlo9jNJBaj0f0Ibbg5yJ4qO-bJAn3rxrO7LaeHHgzJ1ecHk130lh6e_p0ug/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDt4843zxnbr8ZwtktR15hoipIN_TnK2ErF3MxdeIXf1cpYyGWi6Ez3ls9gU8wMM0jMEnhgh0LxYSCjv1Ft7HrW4htUMpVre2EvR056suqpsIVx72i9G7QrF-sgQIPUoVykXN-xqMj75o/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDt4843zxnbr8ZwtktR15hoipIN_TnK2ErF3MxdeIXf1cpYyGWi6Ez3ls9gU8wMM0jMEnhgh0LxYSCjv1Ft7HrW4htUMpVre2EvR056suqpsIVx72i9G7QrF-sgQIPUoVykXN-xqMj75o/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Zoinks, Scoob! You suddenly turned into an unlikeable fatass!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But that scene did have a point. While the fatass was being annoying, they managed to find a toy trumpet, showing that Annoying Brat has been here recently and they're on the right track. Man, you have to be one raging pile of dork in order to carry a toy trumpet around in your pocket. That kid must suffer through purple nurples, pink bellies, and wedgies on a daily basis at his school, and the best part is, he totally deserves them. <br />
<br />
Since they're positive that Corky's now in this building, they decide to rip off Scooby-Doo even more than they already are by splitting up the gang. The unarmed, weaponless woman untrained in fighting the deceased goes by herself (because everyone's an idiot in this universe) while the Ghostbusters with all of their high-tech gear go the other direction.<br />
<br />
How will this affect the plot? To put it bluntly, it doesn't. Nothing comes from this scene because everybody automatically joins up for the climax, making this scene entirely pointless.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhh0HYdaKFAUxT95__DxbUz44pNzumSjX9ZPrVRNfNYa1Z0J4H4dE1MExeok40K-8DpScd5xBVF1OOuXisC3dhVS_AP04i-15gqCg0DB6VWURu7tS4FsA_O5AeCDRU0NpQI4VbRv5wJiU/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhh0HYdaKFAUxT95__DxbUz44pNzumSjX9ZPrVRNfNYa1Z0J4H4dE1MExeok40K-8DpScd5xBVF1OOuXisC3dhVS_AP04i-15gqCg0DB6VWURu7tS4FsA_O5AeCDRU0NpQI4VbRv5wJiU/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Could you hold the trumpet closer to my face? My stiff recycled head turn can only move so many degrees."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After that pivotal scene lead the plot absolutely nowhere, Corky is <i>still</i> being chased by the fail ghosts, because he <i>still</i> has their amulet. <br />
<br />
...so, about that whole "make sure everyone learns how not to make fun of ghosts" thing that Prime Evil sent these two idiots to do. They've been dangling the idea that ghosts will be haunting an amusement park in front of our faces for this entire episode like a carrot on a stick (even if what led to it was some wizard-cloaked ghost bawling like a toddler) and so far it <i>hasn't</i> happened beyond one bench incident. I want maggots to crawl out of chili dogs! I want the merry-go-round to suddenly morph into a giant sea monster and then devour its occupants! I want hitchhiking ghosts to follow tourists home after grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize! I want something <i>other</i> than some dumb broad with hiccups and her flying vermin yelling at a child protagonist lamer than the main star of Fluppy Dogs to hand back a necklace. <br />
<br />
And if the amulet is so important to her, why doesn't she have a spell that can teleport the amulet back around her neck? They never say that the amulet is the source of her power in this episode (and she acted like she still had access to her ghost powers when she was still in Prime Evil's Hauntquarters) so it's not like she's powerless without it. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYO6nZ6Kd6o54reKCPe_EaDiqlGoo0baSvLxB1ON2rEElc7cwHfdclrgSTFUvG6K3CO-1fY2etpFzrYJx79-roISdoslYvvUtPcL2ppEqFbnQUHgeF-gBi1KEJMd9WaTWdG21RvP3KNqM/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYO6nZ6Kd6o54reKCPe_EaDiqlGoo0baSvLxB1ON2rEElc7cwHfdclrgSTFUvG6K3CO-1fY2etpFzrYJx79-roISdoslYvvUtPcL2ppEqFbnQUHgeF-gBi1KEJMd9WaTWdG21RvP3KNqM/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Maybe if I grab ineffectually at the air, the kid will give up and hand over the amulet!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Long story short, because my patience for this cartoon has finally worn out, they <i>finally</i> get the amulet back, so now they can <b><i>finally</i></b>, after almost seventeen minutes of farting around with some dorky-ass kid, get on with what they were sent here to do in the first place! Hell freaking yes! No amount of confetti could signify the joy I felt when this episode finally was all "Oh right, <i>the plot</i>!" and stopped filling itself with unnecessary scenes that just dragged on and on and on.<br />
<br />
But then the episode makes the mistake of going a little <i>too</i> fast, because right after they get the amulet, Brat-A-Rat gets shot in the face with The Dematerializer and his soul gets banished to the ghost dimension before he can actually do anything.<br />
<br />
Huh. Suddenly this cartoon went from boring and tedious to awesome in about two seconds. All it took was some good old-fashioned violence and one of the boring as hell villains getting vaporized.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHpkwjo8tiSPVASultxvCtNyd932nMiI8B5ODbJ9oFkQCBcT_KDjmKH-vfxDQSrKpQwyZttV0LiMbOa7UMGD2Tf3FTWPLweuFliZ1jyMqsvL1uxPiH-qJA6g6TGWTUQh1EBd6fW9AGaxc/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHpkwjo8tiSPVASultxvCtNyd932nMiI8B5ODbJ9oFkQCBcT_KDjmKH-vfxDQSrKpQwyZttV0LiMbOa7UMGD2Tf3FTWPLweuFliZ1jyMqsvL1uxPiH-qJA6g6TGWTUQh1EBd6fW9AGaxc/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJaByY-8pnB1Ku2lYB9lp2b69mJ0Dqq8DGmh0NrCkAEx2g5Vh-rtjk2SdYZTaKWc5YKUBAorBA5jZN1AYwR9m_n5rOJqgTqo2LECGT7OVS41-AaXBNuflOl5XQD5l6nfIdC9P0jkkgQaw/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJaByY-8pnB1Ku2lYB9lp2b69mJ0Dqq8DGmh0NrCkAEx2g5Vh-rtjk2SdYZTaKWc5YKUBAorBA5jZN1AYwR9m_n5rOJqgTqo2LECGT7OVS41-AaXBNuflOl5XQD5l6nfIdC9P0jkkgQaw/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Filmation; we'll paste end of the episode morals to our cartoons while showing our heroes <br />
wield guns with reckless abandon. (See also: Thirty-Thirty from Bravestarr)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So they're going to defeat Apparitia the same way, right? <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFHSi2AuCDGYBjQLrU_C11ELxNyG2T7g23wTPjIxZcpW5TxtGhSvfs5tK0G7CsiI5J_HXWSSZVQNVqw9xkMSX2mBdeNpHdngXZutQEyYtIQLObmqPrLr3woG6XMuhKrSgl3biyJpWEI_g/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFHSi2AuCDGYBjQLrU_C11ELxNyG2T7g23wTPjIxZcpW5TxtGhSvfs5tK0G7CsiI5J_HXWSSZVQNVqw9xkMSX2mBdeNpHdngXZutQEyYtIQLObmqPrLr3woG6XMuhKrSgl3biyJpWEI_g/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'll teach you to do a bad imitation of Mae West's accent!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
No. <br />
<br />
Instead, she's going to turn into a giant octopus because there's still four minutes left in this show.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Okay, Apparitia. Honey. Sweetie. I have a small teeny weeny question for you since I didn't know you could shapeshift into giant killer cephalopods until just now. <b><i>Why the everflipping hell didn't you do this in the first place!?</i></b> You mean to tell me that you were wasting everyone's time turning bench seats hot and chasing after a kid for almost eight minutes in this cartoon when it turns out you can just turn into a monster and <i>eat</i> the little brat? Why wasn't this the first step in your plan to terrorize Ghost Park? Why didn't you just teleport to a convenient spot with lots of visitors and suddenly turn into an octopus? The hell's wrong with you!?<br />
<br />
Sorry, I know I'm getting irrationally angry at this cartoon, but imagine how I feel. They're implying that they focused on how a little boy with a toy trumpet got lost because he forgot not to talk to strangers when I <i>could've</i> been seeing an episode where an enormous octopus monster with a witch nose, razor sharp teeth, and bone-crushing tentacles terrorized an amusement park and reduced many patrons of the park into bloody smears while men armed with dematerializing guns and ghost-catching gear tried to fight the beast off. That would've been awesome! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghEVcclb9KWtDZuAzSUSKw_9kRy4XItV7npk0Tqid1O4qCDbOn-4uxP5oAKYGEarvzpTg6k5PE5-KRSeY_Ba_ZboHgxOatKH8vrQaQJ4A6d01O2UhUzmo2yjP1_4vyG8iJhE8hO-pRROU/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghEVcclb9KWtDZuAzSUSKw_9kRy4XItV7npk0Tqid1O4qCDbOn-4uxP5oAKYGEarvzpTg6k5PE5-KRSeY_Ba_ZboHgxOatKH8vrQaQJ4A6d01O2UhUzmo2yjP1_4vyG8iJhE8hO-pRROU/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Squidward! What are you doing in this show?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But I guess we have to make due with what we have. So they run from the evil Squidward like idiots instead of using the gun that got rid of Brat-A-Rat, Apparitia still has the hiccups which is messing up her magic, and then Eddie drops the gun because a portion of the ride scared him so now they only have their wits to save them from being eaten by takoyaki. Whoopee. <br />
<br />
I just want to point out that it's <i>never</i> implied that The Dematerializer wouldn't work on the giant ghost octopus. Not once does Eddie try to fire it at her when she's standing there in a giant tentacled heap and snarling at them. The Ghostbuster just ran because he sucks at this job and he ends up dropping the gun because The Dematerializer is so overpowered that it has to break for there to be something resembling a climax somewhere in this episode. And also because he sucks at his job, but mostly for plot convenience.<br />
<br />
Also, really. If The Dematerializer is their main weapon, why is it so easily breakable? If you're fighting monsters, you gotta make that crap durable.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQmP6GRD2Eajcbas56g9IBNBoGRHuCU_-F0rteJOi8OUb7g_rWgQIumAr1dpCUnULvRuAUbrrsZb2A1xCyywLYIyk66a512N0_8U3xsCZGy6_eW8DHScOoumDs3-AlpOB6TsOAiAhPw4s/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQmP6GRD2Eajcbas56g9IBNBoGRHuCU_-F0rteJOi8OUb7g_rWgQIumAr1dpCUnULvRuAUbrrsZb2A1xCyywLYIyk66a512N0_8U3xsCZGy6_eW8DHScOoumDs3-AlpOB6TsOAiAhPw4s/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sure, hand the very expensive ghost weapon to the jumpy man terrified of ghosts. Smartest idea ever.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The Ghostbuster and the reporter run away since they have nothing that can stop a several ton sea monster armed with enough tentacles to satisfy at least ten Japanese schoolgirls, we see Apparitia <i>finally</i> (and there aren't enough "finally"s in the world to describe the amount of finally this moment has, good god) do what she was planning on doing in the first place; haunt Ghost Park to satisfy Prime Evil's whims and make sure that all of the people in the park will wish they've never heard of ghosts. <br />
<br />
And wouldn't you know it, everybody on the ride thinks the octopus is a phony and is a decoration just like all the other monsters on the ride. <br />
<br />
...so basically this plan is a bust then. Prime Evil wasted his time, Apparitia and Brat-A-Rat wasted their time, the Ghostbusters are wasting their time, and this entire episode doesn't even need to exist other than the fact that someone in Filmation wanted to animate an octopus. <br />
<br />
I think I'm done here. But on the bright side, at least I found an effective if slightly surreal cure for insomnia.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmVzo3FoJACc6ePubEiMdq1nW-USEKiBxzkLkeYKx0AM2OKwBOM2agZcwnkZ5HSr26hCu0G_t_D-udDcymeyBSJ2SN3WjxvduXZecRCRUqLJhJQeyBlJlR6SIdGa6iOjln-7ufByBSgtk/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmVzo3FoJACc6ePubEiMdq1nW-USEKiBxzkLkeYKx0AM2OKwBOM2agZcwnkZ5HSr26hCu0G_t_D-udDcymeyBSJ2SN3WjxvduXZecRCRUqLJhJQeyBlJlR6SIdGa6iOjln-7ufByBSgtk/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Congratulations, Filmation! You managed to make an octopus attacking a rollercoaster look completely boring!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And then, because this episode decides that it hasn't destroyed enough credibility already, the octopus chases Corky (because he's still on the ride, because April O'Neil isn't watching her nephew and making sure he doesn't get his ass killed) with the most laughable run cycle ever made by human hands. I guess the animators decided that instead of studying how octopuses move and make their character move in a believable fashion, they were going to make the slimy mollusk beast comically bounce around on two tentacles like some sort of awkward Halloween toy. Way to ruin the only threatening concept this cartoon ever had, guys.<br />
<br />
Also, the octopus still sounds like Mae West. Because the only thing worse than a boring cartoon is a boring cartoon that constantly references a very talented actress.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeUs16CDkkdvJ1anIQtbXSrhTjTWw5RymfCeOEQIuBP_L1ZIjpj3QxHKqvm8SyX5a7mi_4XMtS7GWa3JHegXI4JAa4dMRygxnqo0cllX4c49m7XUhAEBfQX1U43hYj1HW0us3YuEfU0IY/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeUs16CDkkdvJ1anIQtbXSrhTjTWw5RymfCeOEQIuBP_L1ZIjpj3QxHKqvm8SyX5a7mi_4XMtS7GWa3JHegXI4JAa4dMRygxnqo0cllX4c49m7XUhAEBfQX1U43hYj1HW0us3YuEfU0IY/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm totally picturing the Benny Hill theme in my head while watching this...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Want to know how quality this show is? At one point during this chase sequence, which somehow works in Tracy the gorilla riding the rollercoaster while throwing pies at the monster (so why doesn't Tracy have a Dematerializer? Do they only have one?), the octopus's nose completely disappears.<br />
<br />
Before you ask, no, not once does a rollercoaster car hit Apparitia while she's in that form and reduce her to shark chum. But that didn't stop me from praying for that to happen.<br />
<br />
And how come no one in the park is at all freaked out by a giant octopus, even a prop one, crawling around on the rollercoaster tracks and putting itself in a position that could cause a high speed collision filled with death and lawsuits? The only comments you get about Mr. Tentacles is some little girl telling Parker that she loved the octopus on the rollercoaster ride. I'm only even commenting on some of the plot holes here too. <i>Some.</i> I didn't even get into the fact that, at one point, somehow Tracy the Gorilla can pull a kid into a rollercoaster while it's still running at full speed and place him into a seat without him falling out or breaking any bones. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUpNWKtiNKqsqecyAzBsA78gfB4eYptQvwYmfxgVDP-Zg4zRSOfG4VQANXmvIn78hZvr_q2d8VDJDv3xL3I-B_WJaqNdPDfPiALUiqPcjwuEDMCEcAq-TjdHcZlnyr7YovFIedXrJaNoI/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUpNWKtiNKqsqecyAzBsA78gfB4eYptQvwYmfxgVDP-Zg4zRSOfG4VQANXmvIn78hZvr_q2d8VDJDv3xL3I-B_WJaqNdPDfPiALUiqPcjwuEDMCEcAq-TjdHcZlnyr7YovFIedXrJaNoI/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(insert Japanese hentai joke here)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So how <i>do</i> they defeat giant Squidward anyways if they don't have the gun? <br />
<br />
By...saying the octopus's nose is too big, which distresses and distracts Apparitia (because she's incredibly vain, but that doesn't explain why she turned into an unattractive animal like an octopus as opposed to something sleek and majestic like a killer swan or a beautiful Chinese dragon) and makes her more susceptible to a sneak pepper attack from a pepper shaker Jake Kong just happens to carry in his pocket. Who wrote this.<br />
<br />
Also, boy, considering how important the nose is for the climax, wouldn't this scene look incredibly silly if there were parts in this cartoon where the nose completely disappeared?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwidNOy0gPG07Hz58Vob7Kkuh0kb4P2r5DJYuT2ukQNq4Eni64X3-9S26A6Gw4IR0d8EyjKkt6yuorOdLM9TjU8e7tPqdb8o5mcZR-OVO3Wkr2MaPB_hOjqxxkRzFkgJZ9WlVWTS9Tdno/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwidNOy0gPG07Hz58Vob7Kkuh0kb4P2r5DJYuT2ukQNq4Eni64X3-9S26A6Gw4IR0d8EyjKkt6yuorOdLM9TjU8e7tPqdb8o5mcZR-OVO3Wkr2MaPB_hOjqxxkRzFkgJZ9WlVWTS9Tdno/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt6uel1blGqCQ3Y-oRahZzS5PrJfUiuCMkqfa3FtycUFxiLlXlWIMOcmrRyaG4EwliYhyphenhyphenyW7iqZ7j7Iycgc5fOCXh4DIgOOedHpsrqtw5fvV36ccHTF_Ml-PaENMaj825PkNGDVKdlkGE/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt6uel1blGqCQ3Y-oRahZzS5PrJfUiuCMkqfa3FtycUFxiLlXlWIMOcmrRyaG4EwliYhyphenhyphenyW7iqZ7j7Iycgc5fOCXh4DIgOOedHpsrqtw5fvV36ccHTF_Ml-PaENMaj825PkNGDVKdlkGE/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I now ship this octopus with Davy Jones and the giant squid that lives near Hogwarts.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And then the octopus sneezes, falls off the rollercoaster, somehow falls into an open thermos even though it's a giant monster, manages to squeeze into an open thermos even though the laws of physics dictate that there is no way an octopus that big can fit into a thermos that small, and then is captured and defeated that way (even though she's <i>a ghost</i> <i>with teleportation powers</i>) while one of the main heroes makes a joke about how she blew her nose.<br />
<br />
...I'm not even going to comment on this. This seems perfectly logical to me. It's even logical how, even though there's a horrifying monster climbing the rollercoaster and threatening the lives of everyone in Ghost Park, there's just some random-ass clown (how is that even related to ghosts?) just chilling and drinking coffee right next to the scene of the crime. <br />
<br />
I don't know about you, but I'm personally awaiting the inevitable remake of this cartoon. It's going to be <b>glorious</b>.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii-8FXAC9n_VdmIpbv2Z1_69R3glgENiIEjQDqzqWVVgdip9BraPAaW1HsFsKwkfquEOiEkLFQyKiqMx1VyGRcvOQZEuroLLMWVVadLmxK_TGcZU_KrCF0lSdV_BtEgOjWPsADinEaPtE/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii-8FXAC9n_VdmIpbv2Z1_69R3glgENiIEjQDqzqWVVgdip9BraPAaW1HsFsKwkfquEOiEkLFQyKiqMx1VyGRcvOQZEuroLLMWVVadLmxK_TGcZU_KrCF0lSdV_BtEgOjWPsADinEaPtE/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF8aVyZNdSkiNYd1-lAC9KfvHNhk76H5tCQepCbvJDF8HIcwZQROvEa7qNn1zslpnjp63_fGS3TEIrwpU_eulp5JM5b1Fu7Kc0V6iBtDS0d16I_ZfQS6dItU1OogevGleHVven7t_rYo8/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF8aVyZNdSkiNYd1-lAC9KfvHNhk76H5tCQepCbvJDF8HIcwZQROvEa7qNn1zslpnjp63_fGS3TEIrwpU_eulp5JM5b1Fu7Kc0V6iBtDS0d16I_ZfQS6dItU1OogevGleHVven7t_rYo8/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My brain broke.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So the day is saved somehow, Apparitia is doomed to a coffee-scented eternity in a prison that most office workers have in their cars, Prime Evil peed his pants and needed to comfort himself by hugging his blankie, and Corky becomes an honorary member of the Ghostbusters for his miraculous abilities of getting himself lost and later following strangers with floating rat monsters. Everybody wins! <br />
<br />
But don't worry, the little squirt took something from this strange, mind-altering ordeal. From now on, he is going to behave because, in his words, "Being good is more fun". I predict many wedgies and a dateless prom in this kid's future.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4ginNK02qsr1sV08f_rH7k1ZbGiut3gntEZAhz8u2T9ODtIyKFWRqfKNr-s8sLTChTSzOBULtW2a9hSv0i0upkvswGrO1QxgzCHjO8NVFAhDrmN1p9tGdG5JvQ7C-yg4mSbDmGrbq9Ok/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4ginNK02qsr1sV08f_rH7k1ZbGiut3gntEZAhz8u2T9ODtIyKFWRqfKNr-s8sLTChTSzOBULtW2a9hSv0i0upkvswGrO1QxgzCHjO8NVFAhDrmN1p9tGdG5JvQ7C-yg4mSbDmGrbq9Ok/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And nothing of value was learned that day.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And, just as I predicted, the episode ends but there's a hamfisted moral packaged with the cartoon. With this show, our moral-dispensing drones are Belfry and Skellevision, and they're here to rap with me while utilizing stock footage about how it's not safe to accept anything from strangers while they're surrounded with really stupid-looking decor like a poster of a ghost blowing a raspberry.<br />
<br />
What makes this "Sonic Says" even more unneeded than any of the other end-of-episode morals from this time period is that, unlike Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog where the Sonic Says has nothing to do with the episode at hand or Bravestarr where the moral is usually one throwaway line in the middle of the episode, the entire episode I just saw revolved around the moral "don't talk to strangers" so there's really no point to have this. Eddie said "don't talk to strangers", I saw the consequences of Corky talking to strangers, and then he reassured me at the conclusion that he's not going to talk to strangers. Why do I need these two idiots to tell me a bazillionth time not to talk to strangers? I got it and I'm sure your target audience got it too.<br />
<br />
That or even the writers knew how boring this episode was so they were assuming that half the audience had slept through most of the cartoon. If that's the case, I admire their generosity.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMQrmT8rCKhVXPrRVE4VBxuJQgCWUdO7EVYTfv1coeL5UySUOmzYQvzHEa5vNikWC3jEmi6k78T2rpzJAjGIuANFTCC_9REJ_m94dckpRvAs26UyhAidhT7NVPxI6gMwBzluHfy22j4x4/s1600/ghostbustersrollerghoster9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMQrmT8rCKhVXPrRVE4VBxuJQgCWUdO7EVYTfv1coeL5UySUOmzYQvzHEa5vNikWC3jEmi6k78T2rpzJAjGIuANFTCC_9REJ_m94dckpRvAs26UyhAidhT7NVPxI6gMwBzluHfy22j4x4/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, I won't talk to strangers. Just please don't eat me, scary television demon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And for some reason, it's hard to take this moral seriously when it's being given to me by a terrifying skull with feet.<br />
<br />
Well, that was Filmation's Ghostbusters, I guess. <br />
<br />
<hr />
<span style="color: black;"> <b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b> <br />
Ghosts are absolutely pathetic and nothing will happen to you if you're kidnapped by them. <b><br />
<br />
<br />
Final Verdict</b> <br />
<u>The Good</u> <br />
*Some of the ghost concepts were relatively creative.<br />
*Tracy the Gorilla is a fun character, even if he didn't do much in this episode.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Bad</u> <br />
*</span><span style="color: black;"><b>PRIME EVIL</b>. Oh my god. I have to take a moment to rant on about how much this villain sucks. I have watched a ton of cartoons, good and bad, from Disney's classics like Beauty and the Beast to movies that frequently appeared on "Worst Animated Films" lists like A Troll in Central Park, Felix the Cat: The Movie and the like.<br />
<br />
Therefore, I know what I'm talking about when I say that I've never seen a villain as bad, as bland, as pathetic, as Prime Evil. Maybe I'm jumping the gun here because I've only seen a couple episodes of this show and probably caught him at his worst, but trust me when I say that I really don't have much confidence in this character from what I have seen.<br />
<br />
For starters, let's compare Prime Evil with a Filmation villain that was made around this time period.<br />
<br />
</span><br />
<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtAE-56ivOuTzCVbxrAso6g44iciGpagrAGtqzM2aeCSsydb8UCZDRyxtxRW16YVY-kN3SCu0rEhL5pLtSncwfxuElSKS4l5UY7xV37jqSehJh31LgLDn-PBWnB9mQ3nvEzobarE9eupU/s320/ghostbustersrollerghoster14.jpg%22" width="300" /><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGbIAmVVPNo5ofmGysTc6MiJWaV7UhoBh1_5TLrmA4_Qy8idttmCk4slRA0kR83Cf-FNyN1l3YJfDFh3xOoyhqptksxiZk1VGu3G6t0pMDoSs9wc8CEE95qiyAeE6FMOn-hF6Nd50LbCk/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken10.jpg" width="300" /> <span style="color: black;"><br />
<br />
Yeah, notice a difference in quality here in just the character designs alone? Which one actually looks like a threat? </span><span style="color: black;">Which one could you actually take seriously? </span><span style="color: black;"> I didn't even cheat and try to pick a screenshot where Tex Hex was blowing up a mountain. Tex Hex pulling a switch looks more like a threat than Prime Evil doing the whole "tilted camera while gripping a railing menacingly" thing.<br />
<br />
*Scratch that, <i>all</i> of the villains in this episode are pathetic. I'm even including the octopus here. I like comic relief villains (Scratch and Grounder) but come on, there's a limit. If you establish that your characters are ghosts, you better believe I'm going to expect ghost-like things to come from them.<br />
*The pacing is an<i> incredible</i> issue. For most of the middle, the episode dragged and dragged and dragged. <br />
*They really didn't use the setting to their fullest. I understand it's a Filmation production but I've seen plenty of Filmation cartoons that made an amusement park episode feel like an amusement park. Half the episode is set in dreary backstage sets when you should have rollercoasters and merry-go-rounds and merriment.<br />
*The protagonists range from dull (Jake Kong Jr.) to annoying (Eddie).<br />
*Again, stock footage. <br />
*But the biggest crime of all; <b>this is boring.</b> This is an episode where ghosts are going to terrorize a theme park in order to teach humanity how not to make fun of ghosts, and it was a snoozefest. One of the main villains transformed into a giant octopus, and I wanted to switch the channel to something more mentally stimulating. A cartoon about fighting ghosts, and I wanted to fall asleep. We've reached a new low here. <u><br />
<br />
<br />
The Final Decision</u> <br />
Okay, picture if Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and Scooby-Doo had a baby, and that baby was raised by several of the Hannah-Barbera cartoons of the 1960's like Jabberjaw and the like. That's basically what Filmation's Ghostbusters is.<br />
<br />
And sadly, it's really not as entertaining as that description makes it sound.<br />
<br />
It's odd saying this about a show with stock footage and recycled animation, but this show feels dated for the time it came out. The humor, the writing, and the villains make this feel more like a show that would've taken place in the 1960's as opposed to something that aired in 1986. My god. This was two years after a more badass, more threatening villain with actual conflict appeared in goddamn <i>My Little Pony</i></span><span style="color: black;">. And this was two years after He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night had some pretty intense situations. And yet Filmation had to go and make a hiccuping octopus be the main bad guy in this. Filmation could do better. Anyone could do better.<br />
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Plus it's really sad to see that this episode had nothing to offer in terms of conflict when even the Filmation Batman episodes had exciting moments. I'm fine with older animation; I can watch and enjoy episodes from shows like Scooby-Doo and Wacky Races. Those shows had actual pacing in their episodes, which is something this show did not have. I can totally understand if it's going for a light, random, comedic approach with laughable villains, but again, shows like Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog do it so much better. <br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black;">So yeah, basically this plot is nothing special, the characters aren't that interesting, and neither hero nor villain offered anything new to the table or even all that interesting. I mean, it's sad if I watch twenty two minutes of a cartoon and couldn't tell you who anyone's personality is beyond "the fat guy is a scaredy-cat" and "Mae West is prone to hiccups".</span> I think the only time I actually cracked a smile while watching this was when Tracy the Gorilla said Corky's name in a way that made it sound like the gorilla was saying "cookie", and that's a really weak thing when I can't laugh at any of the jokes. <br />
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Now, before anyone hates on me for really disliking this, maybe this episode is just a really weak episode to analyze out of this series and maybe I'll find a kickass awesome episode where Prime Evil is suddenly the best thing ever. <br />
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But rest assured, I'm give Rollerghoster a skip and riding the Haunted Mansion instead.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-84611475227535511052012-04-19T09:27:00.395-07:002012-06-08T11:00:22.477-07:00Bravestarr - The Day the Town Was TakenI, again, apologize for the lack of updates. <b>I did not forget about this blog; I just have college.</b> Maybe I should've waited until <i>after</i> I graduated from college and didn't have to put together senior projects and shows before writing this blog. I have papers to write, paintings to paint, and storyboards to...storyboard.<br />
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A strange thing happened with this post. Originally it was going to be about He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (because it feels like a crime to have a bunch of Filmation shows without talking about the one everyone thinks of when they think of this company), but then I saw that Filmation had a show that came after He-Man that seemed way more interesting to talk about. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqnsE6rk22ifh83ZFXyuMYhxwYJOQSML3W5yWd-xiAO6tRBk0KcciVikPi5oVKS2MmM1TS6vyX3Aq7rD5mrcVQfx5E9UmguXXQaEHWMxLZQolzomYIbDTutzYvEQiyAsKioSBThO5E54U/s1600/Bravestarrtitlecard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="286" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqnsE6rk22ifh83ZFXyuMYhxwYJOQSML3W5yWd-xiAO6tRBk0KcciVikPi5oVKS2MmM1TS6vyX3Aq7rD5mrcVQfx5E9UmguXXQaEHWMxLZQolzomYIbDTutzYvEQiyAsKioSBThO5E54U/s400/Bravestarrtitlecard.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">His name means "We apologize for He-Man" in Cherokee.</td></tr>
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Even though Happily Ever After was the last <i>movie</i> Filmation ever made before they closed their production doors and stopped making cartoons ever again, Bravestarr happened to be their last animated series. I've seen multiple stories on what <b>really</b> killed Filmation (and the company's failure is sort of like a game of Clue), but from the looks of it, while Happily Ever After can take most of the blame for slaying the people behind He-Man, Bravestarr helped. The show wasn't all that popular and the toy line didn't do too well. <br />
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Although, that can't really be Bravestarr's fault. The toys are incredibly creepy. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ19SWaiWGxHtTJSTT-DGi_AXBOAXmBeFavPs6cRbKMgoCkt63bv9T4hNlBXc_C8p_xfFsMRLvi0_8J5tsEl21hUSYGG7GcmyMsIpN2tFNOcIQMwfQdgVKykkK-KYm3_21aiNhN1ihgXA/s1600/creepybravestarrfigure.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ19SWaiWGxHtTJSTT-DGi_AXBOAXmBeFavPs6cRbKMgoCkt63bv9T4hNlBXc_C8p_xfFsMRLvi0_8J5tsEl21hUSYGG7GcmyMsIpN2tFNOcIQMwfQdgVKykkK-KYm3_21aiNhN1ihgXA/s320/creepybravestarrfigure.jpg" width="273" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Imagine this thing standing on your bookshelf, watching you sleep, eating your thoughts...</td></tr>
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Bravestarr has an interesting past. Apparently back when Filmation was making Ghostbusters (no, not the one with Egon and Peter; the one with the ape and the talking vehicle), they came up with Tex Hex, a villain concept so mindblowingly awesome that they had to make a whole new show just to house that sheer amount of win contained within him. So they created this series that mixes Western elements with space elements, hoping that two great tastes will go great together. <br />
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Which is good, because this is one of those shows that runs on pure "This is way cooler than it sounds, trust us" and kind of functions like a Mad Libs version of the old west. Instead of a state of Texas, you get a planet called New Texas. Instead of a gold rush, it's a kerium rush. Alcohol is sweetwater, some cacti happen to be robots, the prairie dogs are actually a sentient race of beings, and most of the outlaws happen to be aliens. Oh, and the Marshall's horse? It's a cyborg that can switch from a horse with robot legs to a bipedal horse alien that can use a giant gun capable of destroying buildings.<br />
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Now, choosing an episode to cover for Bravestarr is hard. I wanted to pick an episode that gave the heroes and the villains decent screentime so I can talk about all of them, especially since right now I'm too lazy to cover the entire movie pilot. Sadly, this meant I'm skipping the drug episode for now, even though that's probably the most famous episode out of the lot. I had a handful of episodes that would've worked, but I just went with my gut feeling and went with the one that had a showcase scene for practically every character. It's got most of the villains, it's decently Western, it has all the elements of a Bravestarr episode that everyone loves, and at one point, Bravestarr utilizes technology I mastered when I was six. Hold onto your cowboy hats and your radically steampunk-esque technology because this is... <br />
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<b>The Day the Town Was Taken</b><br />
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<b><br />
Airdate:</b> November 10th, 1987</div>
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<b>Availability: </b><span style="color: lime;">On DVD</span></div>
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Our humble little tale, one rich in outlaws, talking horses, and strange Native American stereotypes dressed in a cowboy hat, starts in Fort Kerium. Think of Fort Kerium (which is creatively named after the mineral that caused the rush of miners to this planet, making it the equivalent of setting up a town here named "Fort Gold") as both your stereotypical Old West mining town, albeit one filled with aliens and robots, and the main base of operations for the heroes that simply must <i>not</i> fall into the villain's hands under any circumstances. It's sort of like Castle Greyskull in that regard, only Bravestarr doesn't hold aloft some sword that magically dissolves his clothes in the name of justice. <br />
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And in this town of dirt, guns, and lax hygiene is Deputy Fuzz, who happens to be showing his girlfriend Wuzzela major landmarks in Fort Kerium while hyping up the fact that he's a deputy. Fuzz and Wuzzela, besides having cutesy names and hobbit-like feet, also happen to be Prairie People. See, like Texas, the planet New Texas (gotta love these names) happens to be infested with large colonies of pudgy little rodents native to the desert. Only with New Texas, said rodents happen to be sentient and know how to build complex machinery powered by magic glowing rocks. They never say <i>why</i> the Prairie People are just perfectly okay with settlers drawing comparisons between them and an animal that farmers regard as a pest. I guess it's only because not many of them know how to read. <br />
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Deputy Fuzz is the one Prairie Person that we see the most often, and he's sort of like Snarf from Thundercats in that he's the cute little alien sidekick to the main hero that manages to get on everybody's nerves with his high-pitched voice and his ability to crap up any menial task that's handed to him. He's not as annoying as Snarf, but that's only because only a select few characters in the history of animation have ever been worse than Snarf. But hey, at least he's getting more action than the main character, judging by his interactions with Wuzzela.<br />
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While the little rodents fill the cartoon with broken English and thinly-veiled flirtations, Thirty-Thirty (or 30-30; I've seen official sources go with either spelling) then walks up, hands across his chest like he's eternally pissed off with everything, and makes with the pleasant talk interlaced with horse noises. Judging by my cursory glance at Bravestarr fansites and the like (all two of them), everyone watched this show not for Bravestarr, but for the violent gun-wielding talking cyborg alien horse who sounds like Baloo from Talespin. To be fair, I don't blame them. Violent gun-wielding talking cyborg alien horses who sound like Baloo don't really appear in too many shows.<br />
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I'm not kidding when I call Thirty-Thirty violent either. There have been episodes where the horse has gotten into arguments with the main hero because Bravestarr held him back and kept him from turning the villain of the week into smoking bits of dog food with his energy rifle. After all, how's Tex Hex going to return for new episodes if someone takes a firearm and tears a smoking hole through his chest? That's not how you sell toys! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuMMjlnnKr1bUd2vZpOIpFhK9R9S0FdnucLPdTQYiR5VYm7bliaqUK2E2NSVHppGPuJRLlBmXV7R0kqCG4vmXORjff5NkWZ7qYVukAifulesfYSFcnbzaLbyx1j1I7Q31J2jXir4PvIAQ/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuMMjlnnKr1bUd2vZpOIpFhK9R9S0FdnucLPdTQYiR5VYm7bliaqUK2E2NSVHppGPuJRLlBmXV7R0kqCG4vmXORjff5NkWZ7qYVukAifulesfYSFcnbzaLbyx1j1I7Q31J2jXir4PvIAQ/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And before you ask, yes, the furries love this guy. Don't ask me how I know this.</td></tr>
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But they can't chat for too long, because that's when Bravestarr walks onscreen with his patented Filmation walk and tells them, while standing perfectly still without moving anything but his lips, that Judge J.B. and Handlebar are being held captive by dingos. What a great way to introduce the plot. Imagine if this was the first episode you saw of this show and you were trying to follow all of this. "Wait, there's talking rats in Texan accents, and now there's a horse on two legs, and dingos? <i>What!?</i>" We haven't even seen the main villain yet either! No wonder people miss the 80's.<br />
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This scene is where we get our first glimpse of our actual hero and...let's be honest. He's not very exciting. Oh sure, he can sometimes call upon the Strength of the Bear through the magic of stock footage and punch a hole in a spaceship with his fists and he happens to be one of the few Native American heroes in animation, but as a character, he's basically just the hero. He spouts morals, upholds all that is just and good, is a lot stronger than anything the villains can throw at him, and sometimes makes subtle innuendo at the female love interest. It's not really Bravestarr's fault; despite what I've said, he's a lot more interesting than He-Man. It's just that he's constantly being outstaged by all the other characters in this show who are much more interesting than him, which happens to be 80% of the cast save for maybe Deputy Fuzz. <br />
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And let me tell you, it must be really embarrassing to have the powers of animal spirits at your disposal, making you into a regular demigod, and yet you're still outstaged by your own horse. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk8FwUkbyhaaHfjnP_IQhLv3CB7OIMnvxjwAMIhpiFK0RsaOXrVt1jgDu85_DbG4xnT614VVFNxiuLxMpHDO79CYWnxP8bu2v3bwMX2m45w9PIQ9yLNOZN8pkrPuEbdqop94MY7ZHKsOU/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk8FwUkbyhaaHfjnP_IQhLv3CB7OIMnvxjwAMIhpiFK0RsaOXrVt1jgDu85_DbG4xnT614VVFNxiuLxMpHDO79CYWnxP8bu2v3bwMX2m45w9PIQ9yLNOZN8pkrPuEbdqop94MY7ZHKsOU/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm so angry that my girlfriend is being held captive by murderous space outlaws that I choose to exhibit zero emotion!"</td></tr>
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Right after we hear that two characters in the roster are in trouble, there's a quick screen wipe and we helpfully see just what's going on. Sure enough, turns out Bravestarr wasn't just pulling an elaborate prank on his animalmen companions and telling a baldfaced lie just to see the reactions on their faces. Judge J.B. and Handlebar are, in fact, being attacked by dingos while standing near the wreckage of a stratostage, which is basically a stage coach but with random metal pipes sticking out of it to signify that this takes place in the future. <br />
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Judge J.B. McBride is your typical headstrong female in skintight clothing in an 80's cartoon. Her father actually used to be Tex Hex's mining partner until Tex decided that being a dick was way more profitable and permanently crippled him, meaning that Judge actually has a pretty good reason to hate the main villain. Too bad the show never actually uses the fact that Tex is responsible for the reason why her father can't walk to their advantage, making J.B. look like she just doesn't give a crap about her dad. Hey, times were tough in the Old West. Mr. McBride should be lucky he even has a job. <br />
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What sets her apart from other love interests around this time is that they actually animate her checking out Bravestarr's ass from time to time. No, dead serious. Commentary said so and everything.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv5XjKLQ9KVploYk6cFuKkh2ZIfSoXbpCGZxsqbJQhhlyWf7NtdppMqqbEtZm7JrQEqveMovw-KahDXkqM8fItC1pD_RXHJr0szRVzNyiHs2E1mQwOlr7GbhcqfR1UYUJHG6_oatkTGes/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv5XjKLQ9KVploYk6cFuKkh2ZIfSoXbpCGZxsqbJQhhlyWf7NtdppMqqbEtZm7JrQEqveMovw-KahDXkqM8fItC1pD_RXHJr0szRVzNyiHs2E1mQwOlr7GbhcqfR1UYUJHG6_oatkTGes/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poor girl. The men get these laser rifles and spirit animals and she's stuck with a hammer.</td></tr>
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The other good guy caught in the wreckage is Handlebar. This large mustached reptilian alien with the inexplicable Brooklyn accent happens to be the owner of a bar (you could say he "<i>handles</i>" the bar, even), where he sells "sweetwater" to all of the miners in town. Yep, you heard me. A bar owner is a hero in this show. Rather gutsy of Filmation to make someone who regularly sells alcoholic beverages a reoccurring hero and not even have an end of an episode moral about the perils of drinking. I don't care if it's pink and looks like frothy glasses of lemonade. Alien booze can come in all shades and tints. <br />
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Not much more to say about him, since he isn't really that important to the plot, other than he attacks by throwing the plates in his bar (because intentionally damaging your workplace's fine china in a land where you have to import that stuff from another planet is <i>such</i> a smart idea) and they actually made an action figure out of this ugly bastard. Because I know when I was a kid, I wrote "middle-aged green alien bartender in leiderhosen" on my wishlist for Santa Claus. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUIXUAjxRIw6awW8b62PoQUPDQEK7MdYbLmIL-24RzYHdLR1OqqbJc3IhMIHAh6LLD3HCpslBc1Ik6P5iaDyYjN_Ct9EPDJberIcOokC9SSPr4sr2Lws58ZFkjPihkfGpqVqakQyDnkwY/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUIXUAjxRIw6awW8b62PoQUPDQEK7MdYbLmIL-24RzYHdLR1OqqbJc3IhMIHAh6LLD3HCpslBc1Ik6P5iaDyYjN_Ct9EPDJberIcOokC9SSPr4sr2Lws58ZFkjPihkfGpqVqakQyDnkwY/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Good god, why isn't either of these two carrying <i>guns</i>?</td></tr>
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Just when it looks like they might actually escape from this ordeal unscathed, they're quickly surrounded. By dingos. Riding dinosaurs. In space. Why isn't this show more popular?<br />
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What's funny about this scene is that before, the anthropomorphic dingos were flying around on futuristic space bikes. They fire lasers from their guns, some of the space bikes get wrecked by Judge's silly-looking hammer, when suddenly, out of nowhere, they arrive on these odd dinosaurs that weren't in any of the previous scenes. The dinosaurs just sort of silently phase into existence just to give the dingos something more awesome to ride on, as if giant metallic flying vehicles with cow horns weren't cool enough already. What, was a dinosaur-riding dingo action figure in production? I don't get it!<br />
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And for the life of me, I can't figure out why the show's creators went with dingos instead of <i>coyotes</i>, when all the other elements in this show are distinctly American in origin. Last I checked, dingos don't exactly make their home in Texas. They live in a desert, but not exactly the type of desert that's being depicted on this planet. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_tf2tfyW0VU9qh1-qwgBjA1rc4kdm1570hkeGKrFFLXKXt3Ljxh9jcqZkqeTEREZ4kCfGL5P6C20Lw35GoP_7PQcaVPsL13VTvbumOyc6Mw7yzP_NfLHRYl08zEjpXaJq92kpX3tsP1k/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_tf2tfyW0VU9qh1-qwgBjA1rc4kdm1570hkeGKrFFLXKXt3Ljxh9jcqZkqeTEREZ4kCfGL5P6C20Lw35GoP_7PQcaVPsL13VTvbumOyc6Mw7yzP_NfLHRYl08zEjpXaJq92kpX3tsP1k/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, it's hard to take this show seriously sometimes...</td></tr>
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Meanwhile, Bravestarr, Thirty-Thirty, and Fuzz are riding through the barren wastelands of New Texas on their marketable mounts (Fuzz's action figure actually came with that vehicle he's riding on) in order to save the day. During this time, Bravestarr decides to break the silence by saying such meaningful dialogue such as "We're almost there" and "That's the stratostage. Those blasted dingos must've wrecked it!". Bravestarr, if you're going to use the same stock footage of you riding your horse that appeared in at least twenty other episodes, the least you can do is say something more exciting. Tell a knock-knock joke or something. Break the tension!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEignU-G9EIQK5w7v2a8Q-NlUrsJndD7sUhn0AWeA664vkpj38A5xcrVFhSZ5qqwfgGkg0Yr4LWLBxt4wnRpXxsPfI0mHov-aoXS2-uMTlyKwIbW2gKSLVd5JAuGIT6EPUGIkuGu2HqFM3o/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEignU-G9EIQK5w7v2a8Q-NlUrsJndD7sUhn0AWeA664vkpj38A5xcrVFhSZ5qqwfgGkg0Yr4LWLBxt4wnRpXxsPfI0mHov-aoXS2-uMTlyKwIbW2gKSLVd5JAuGIT6EPUGIkuGu2HqFM3o/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Well that's just great. The freeway's totally gridlocked."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But wait, it turns out the villains are watching this take place on their inexplicable spycam television thing built into the side of a mountain (because villains are always expected to have that sort of technology just lying around, even cowboy-themed ones) and are laughing about it! Oh no, Bravestarr is riding right into a trap! Dun dun duuuun...<br />
<br />
...and no, I'm not sure why they don't use that big screen in more episodes. You'd think spying on Bravestarr would be useful for more than one evil scheme. Come on, guys, that's just wasteful.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHBiZjbZWJAOrzXYGoAupUIl-J8MlRYK0i8sF4LeLFK9wMkRUWZmZCu6wnqggyNwsroaDsIWovNav6ibPRJmHuxCKyuyvwnlAHDhnIZ5GqsNgW2TK3bTS-Gpa-ksVV_MvGj_3_fHL6Trs/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHBiZjbZWJAOrzXYGoAupUIl-J8MlRYK0i8sF4LeLFK9wMkRUWZmZCu6wnqggyNwsroaDsIWovNav6ibPRJmHuxCKyuyvwnlAHDhnIZ5GqsNgW2TK3bTS-Gpa-ksVV_MvGj_3_fHL6Trs/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can easily see which villains grasp the concept of personal space and which don't.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since this episode has a lot of villains and I'm positive no one actually saw this when it was first airing, for your viewing pleasure, I'm going to temporarily stop my review of this episode and introduce each and every one of the villains that will be showing up this delightful Western romp, just so that you know just what kind of odds the heroes are up against. I just hope my bitterness over the fact that none of these characters are recognized for the great ideas that they are leaks <i>too</i> much into the writing. I know a cool concept when I see one, and the fact that more people know who Hordak is over Tex Hex will never stop feeling like an insult to me.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaIPMTAefqwc5iYOkX3IbSPGcoWQK4AUisinsr6JQrAHGPzuFNn_ItrA5LhTe2827uHS6EH5-AYw85gtJQytstbhUeLXmnsIDYv9aP8uIyheCUOQMwafhRhjMj9ygXmicXIlmMlf_jPqw/s1600/texhex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaIPMTAefqwc5iYOkX3IbSPGcoWQK4AUisinsr6JQrAHGPzuFNn_ItrA5LhTe2827uHS6EH5-AYw85gtJQytstbhUeLXmnsIDYv9aP8uIyheCUOQMwafhRhjMj9ygXmicXIlmMlf_jPqw/s320/texhex.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hmmm, I wonder if he's the villain.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
First, we have Tex Hex, lovingly voiced by Charlie Adler in a way that makes him sound like the Western hick version of Snively from Sonic the Hedgehog. As you might guess, Tex Hex is to Skeletor as Bravestarr is to He-Man. He's the reason why this show exists, and that actually makes a lot of sense because Tex Hex is probably one of the coolest villains Filmation has ever come up with. Which makes it a real shame that he gets to languish away in this forgotten series instead of starring in remakes and live-action films aplenty. Tex deserves better. No man with a mustache that awesome should be doomed to such obscurity.<br />
<br />
Sort of like how Bravestarr has a lot of powers, Tex Hex has a lot of powers. He can shoot thunderbolts from his fingertips, he can transform himself into monsters, he can conjure up giant snakes to attack his enemies, he can fire bullets that can transform objects, he can shoot lasers from his eyes, he can teleport, he can turn into smoke and phase through walls...why it's almost as if the "Hex" in his name actually <i>means</i> something. If Bravestarr wasn't around shouting "Speed of the Puma!" and suddenly getting the ability to turn into the Looney Tunes Roadrunner, Tex Hex would look just a wee bit overpowered. <br />
<br />
His chaps also draw way too much attention to his butt and crotch. Sorry, had to say it.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW_xnrCZh5ubS7kHZ49f951aGfg2sxrZ4tVAA11HoVjUIDJWpxIJCSCM5l7JxMQ97yI0lv5BJuidmlAwGziPr_lg0NA9ocVCekreH7Hci-liu6-LhjZfNN9wL7MUqypWSfXmblB_BJElQ/s1600/stampede.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW_xnrCZh5ubS7kHZ49f951aGfg2sxrZ4tVAA11HoVjUIDJWpxIJCSCM5l7JxMQ97yI0lv5BJuidmlAwGziPr_lg0NA9ocVCekreH7Hci-liu6-LhjZfNN9wL7MUqypWSfXmblB_BJElQ/s320/stampede.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hello, kids. Want some Texas style <i>nightmares</i>?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But Tex Hex didn't just train to become the magic-wielding badass he is today. Turns out some acid-spewing cybernetic dinosaur skeleton with glowing eyes, robot cow horns, and a mustache named Stampede found his unconscious body next to the wreckage of his crashed spaceship one day, zapped him with evil juice, and christened him with the name "Tex Hex". Stampede's sort of the real villain of this show and, depending on the episode, the evil scheme will either be all Tex's idea or prompted by this hideous nightmarish creature.<br />
<br />
Had this show been more popular, Stampede would've haunted plenty of children's dreams. Seriously, just look at that eldritch abomination rising out of the ground while cloaked in souls of the dead and try to tell me you wouldn't be creeped out by this guy at the tender age of five. He makes the owl from The Secret of NIMH look cuddly by sheer comparison. He's so menacing, so pants-crappingly terrifying that you can almost ignore the fact that he sounds like Battle Cat and can't speak a sentence without snorting like a giant bull.<br />
<br />
I've seen many a fan debate on whether Tex Hex is actually a zombie (as in, he was killed in his ship crash) or if the demonic floating cow skull in his life just reconstructed his body so that it was more haggard and zombie-looking. Personally, I go with the idea that he was knocked unconscious and some evil demon cow just found him, started drooling perversely, and then violated his body in every way imaginable before forcing him to work for him. You know, for kids!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBqfKdOmn6-dbmWw3sr2JRHtiLTFYOE2zQHAWfR0lOoTAndWcIhsn8AhWtexMXrpEWKsvoue2lkHt47SSm8yG4FJgV2yyOtQ46y3gXiQMGOmAgGuZMsb76mDt5wa3ddCTatcikLCSFWBU/s1600/scuzz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBqfKdOmn6-dbmWw3sr2JRHtiLTFYOE2zQHAWfR0lOoTAndWcIhsn8AhWtexMXrpEWKsvoue2lkHt47SSm8yG4FJgV2yyOtQ46y3gXiQMGOmAgGuZMsb76mDt5wa3ddCTatcikLCSFWBU/s320/scuzz.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Listen kid, I think you should know, <br />
Bad like me is the way to go!<br />
Being nice is just for saps,<br />
Being good is a handicap!</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
All decent villains need disgusting bootlicking toadies, and you can't find a better bootlicker than Outlaw Scuzz. As you can tell from his name (I really hope it's just a nickname and not his parents being hilariously cruel) and the fact that he's a hairy little mole creature, he's Fuzz's evil, chain-smoking cousin, made during a time where it was still considered acceptable to show cigars in a cartoon. He's the least threatening of Tex's gang (his usual tactic in a fight is hide behind someone bigger than him), but he totally makes up for it with his sheer amount of loyalty to his boss. Tex Hex may yell at him for smoking and call him "prairie rat", but you get the real feeling that he actually cares for his dirty nicotine-soaked furball and vice versa. After all, he <i>did</i> go through the trouble of teaching Scuzz how to speak English. <br />
<br />
He doesn't look like it, but Scuzz actually has a deep, enlightening backstory that can rival a great Shakespearean tragedy; when miners first showed up on his godforsaken hellhole of a planet, he ended up befriending some asshole miner named Tex and becoming his little sidekick while at the same time betraying his entire species. For his efforts, he ends up getting knocked unconscious (or killed) in the same spaceship crash that knocks Tex unconscious (or killed him; it was kind of vague) and he ends up getting his molecules reconstructed too so now he has yellow eyes and grayer fur than the rest of his kind. I love how while Tex gets supernatural powers from Stampede that make him the most powerful outlaw in the universe, Stampede's powers do nothing but make Scuzz uglier. Poor Scuzz. The least they could've done was give him laser eyes or something, geez. <br />
<br />
Also, the creators of this show couldn't decide how the hell to spell his name, so merchandise says <i>Scuzz</i> while there's an episode called <i>Skuzz</i> And Fuzz. I just go with "Scuzz" because I feel like it (and because I feel that, for a show such as this, you go with the spelling that's presented to you on the toys), which is going to look pretty awkward if I ever decide to cover that episode. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGIkWrspRAm5j-VLCfZyVeY7xWUhSHD0R2Bc6ISgwZpOMtUQbX374u6PJKFBKWYM3ceBzA8MIb2rMmeyRxt5IJdYBIrfE0F8UNKKOmklLNvfaZFDDj5VYadMOTQ_PXQYi2XjIkEMbIAGw/s1600/thunderstick.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGIkWrspRAm5j-VLCfZyVeY7xWUhSHD0R2Bc6ISgwZpOMtUQbX374u6PJKFBKWYM3ceBzA8MIb2rMmeyRxt5IJdYBIrfE0F8UNKKOmklLNvfaZFDDj5VYadMOTQ_PXQYi2XjIkEMbIAGw/s320/thunderstick.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's the girliest shooting pose I've seen a robot make.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Next we have Thunderstick, who's a robot designed to look like La Boeuf from the original 1969 version of True Grit. Hell yeah, Filmation actually did some research. His right hand happens to be a lasergun attachment, hence why they call him "Thunderstick" and not "Robot In Sweet Texas Ranger Clothes". Despite the fact that he's a robot built to serve mankind, he somehow has enough AI to both become an outlaw and be the biggest douchebag on the entire cast, devoting most of his time and energy to making fun of random strangers. Must be a programming flaw.<br />
<br />
You wouldn't know it just by looking at him, but he's Scuzz's best friend. Nine times out of ten, if Scuzz is paired off with somebody for an assignment (and Scuzz never works alone because even <i>he</i> can recognize his incompetence in battle), it's usually him. What's really cool is that sometimes they won't even be on a mission and they'll hang out. There's an episode where they're just lounging around town, just being jerks to random strangers for the hell of it. I wonder if it's because, being a robot, he can't suffer from the effects of secondhand smoke. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-d_WcYxJrrCfcf_rx1Ih4euOeBV7nBAtxnJ8ZErToP7XsSvRco5O7VrSnxAmwpGw9Qu1Bl7UpnzJSxcjYReG90KS__sGBP2k5AerKd774LAMXY70Xj8T9X_fQa-32OoDyxYF9mkm21bc/s1600/cactushead+%283%29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-d_WcYxJrrCfcf_rx1Ih4euOeBV7nBAtxnJ8ZErToP7XsSvRco5O7VrSnxAmwpGw9Qu1Bl7UpnzJSxcjYReG90KS__sGBP2k5AerKd774LAMXY70Xj8T9X_fQa-32OoDyxYF9mkm21bc/s320/cactushead+%283%29.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Jazz hands!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unfortunately the same person who designed Thunderstick didn't design Cactushead. Looking like what happens if you try to build a robot using only a dog bowl, some K'nex parts, and a dried cactus while under the influence of some very powerful LSD, Cactushead (go on, guess why he's named that) is more than a little off-putting in his appearance. I can't even begin to grasp the purpose of his giant buck teeth or his scraggly robot hair, but I can't imagine it's for anything ethical.<br />
<br />
What's odd is that the Wikipedia page makes Cactushead out to be the villain's comic relief, when he's actually really competent at what he does (which is being a robot with gun attachments) and he's working on the same team as Scuzz. I guess it's because he sounds like the robotic version of Baxter Stockman from TMNT and is the weirdest looking out of the bunch that people will draw that conclusion.<br />
<br />
Cactushead is the only villain that I know of besides Stampede that wasn't going to get an action figure. I don't even need to explain why.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhao-q6ubyh7ehmKJSnspbogsstyiezPTfgUoM73jc1S-reKeIx9V8PR8Zq1VTw5XBGpbdZGIiPr1NCcP7BmRiUQfP2sgNQAPUOu2iVbBTPEFZwe9gtXFQHB5leNpCrmUXlbnOPv0Kc27M/s1600/vipra.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhao-q6ubyh7ehmKJSnspbogsstyiezPTfgUoM73jc1S-reKeIx9V8PR8Zq1VTw5XBGpbdZGIiPr1NCcP7BmRiUQfP2sgNQAPUOu2iVbBTPEFZwe9gtXFQHB5leNpCrmUXlbnOPv0Kc27M/s320/vipra.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Tell Evil-Lyn that she can suck it."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Then we have Vipra. Like Judge, Vipra's main purpose in life is to provide boobs to this cartoon. Only her boobs are much more villainous and reptilian. She doesn't look like it, but she's from the same species as Handlebar, meaning that in the future, there will be species of aliens with a sexual dimorphism that works on the same brand of logic as World of Warcraft orcs. <br />
<br />
Not much more to say about her. She does snake-like things like hypnotize and poison people, she speaks with a snake-like hiss, and has fangs. Typical snake stuff. But besides that, she honestly doesn't do much in this entire show and I've tried my hardest to figure out whether or not she has something resembling a personality. Fans like her a lot though and wish she had more episodes, because she looks sexy. Gotta love how shallow the Internet can be sometimes. <br />
<br />
What's notable about her is that she really hates Scuzz and has sent death threats in his direction multiple times. I bet part of the reason is because she sees this fat, juicy rodent just walking around in her workspace and she can't eat him without getting fired. That would make <i>anyone</i> a little uptight. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZeOCCQGb_LQWcOWphQT5BTggdEOKo5f8wXbrpqD0hDx8AkyN_1iChO_hSXWN923f2nQcPT2U0Fknx4k53BRlMobN0Hgkhn79Po38Bu8Z8Uk0PL3jUPX7ObNJIPrfBgaB1e_qEfHnFym0/s1600/Sandstorm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZeOCCQGb_LQWcOWphQT5BTggdEOKo5f8wXbrpqD0hDx8AkyN_1iChO_hSXWN923f2nQcPT2U0Fknx4k53BRlMobN0Hgkhn79Po38Bu8Z8Uk0PL3jUPX7ObNJIPrfBgaB1e_qEfHnFym0/s320/Sandstorm.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, George Lucas is running low on ideas...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Last and definitely least, Sandstorm. At the risk of letting bias leak into my writing, <i>good God</i>, words cannot describe how much I hate Sandstorm. Look at this piece of crap. Do you honestly expect anything good, anything interesting to come from him? Sandstorm is supposedly a "sand walrus" (even though he looks nothing like a walrus) native to this world and he can spit sand out of his mouth, but you know what? I don't care. Sandstorm sucks and blows in every definition of the word. The best indicator of whether an episode is good or not if Sandstorm doesn't have to do or say anything important. The only thing remotely interesting about him is the fact that, out of all the outlaws, he likes Tex Hex the least. I'm going to make a point to pick episodes where Sandstorm is not in them for very long.<br />
<br />
But back to the episode. Tex Hex decides to randomly grab Scuzz by his odd dress/robe thingie (I'm too lazy to check whether that's meant to be authentic Old West garb or not) and start shaking him around while going into a great villain rant about how he was planning to get Bravestarr and his dorky friends out of town and it was the perfect opportunity and the world shall fall before his might and blah blah blah. It's basically an excuse for a purple-skinned cowboy to show that he's the villain by vomiting exposition all over the place in his Western hick voice while establishing that he's kind of a dickhole. Sure is mighty handy he has a sidekick that's light enough to shake around just in case he's in the mood for a rant.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMNkJ6dREvFYq47ZUZf2f6_pwatfnHruQToAkvjMnYmlYdn7z6Psv2SqUXTSXFyfpSI9v3GQxyPHN5l2P0icyD8VPUutDA_Xv1vSc5-BIompuzDTn6rXNo3lxqkrXQeEVAApK5dOgOCdM/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken+%282%29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMNkJ6dREvFYq47ZUZf2f6_pwatfnHruQToAkvjMnYmlYdn7z6Psv2SqUXTSXFyfpSI9v3GQxyPHN5l2P0icyD8VPUutDA_Xv1vSc5-BIompuzDTn6rXNo3lxqkrXQeEVAApK5dOgOCdM/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken+%282%29.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tex, that's sexual harassment!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, after the main bad guy is done randomly inflicting pain on tobacco-craving mammals, we see that Bravestarr is kicking ass and taking names through the use of a lot of stock footage from the opening, because I need constant reminding that I'm watching something from Filmation, the same people who were able to insert the same rotoscoped animation of someone laughing in at least ten different cartoons. The scene is a very paint-by-numbers "every hero, from the main one to his animal sidekicks, uses their weapon of choice to fight a group of bad guys" scene, devoid of anything more substantial than characters beating the crap out of each other. But to be fair on Bravestarr, at least none of the animation looks like it was pulled from He-Man. Bravestarr's way too masculine for that. <br />
<br />
I can't comment on the fight scene <i>too</i> much, other than express confusion over how Judge and Handlebar were having such a hard time with the dingos that they had to radio in for help. For vicious outlaws, the dingos sure know how to make stupid fighting mistakes like grouping together in a way that makes them easier targets and standing still with their mouths hanging open while some man in skintight yellow clothing flies towards him while screaming "Strength of the Bear!". They should be lucky that Bravestarr isn't using his gun.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCJqpcCW9O-3SuTDkbKphtSO1WwZSVejty01bNEB8dNilIx6HV1cWmAV6MS6upCNevpLCXGgBNK6Vhu07JK7-fyZ__IDxtp_IKzoVIEF2bGFdhDNTsMtJr9JvSgYorJs3O7VX4ceIOrlY/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCJqpcCW9O-3SuTDkbKphtSO1WwZSVejty01bNEB8dNilIx6HV1cWmAV6MS6upCNevpLCXGgBNK6Vhu07JK7-fyZ__IDxtp_IKzoVIEF2bGFdhDNTsMtJr9JvSgYorJs3O7VX4ceIOrlY/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We're the worst outlaws ever!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In a way that leans on the fourth wall, we cut back to the villains, who are watching the dingos get their hairy asses kicked on their giant LED-backlit Internet-ready 1080i LCD TV from Samsung, and they're actually commentating on the same fight scene the audience is watching. Well, what do you know. Turns out Filmation invented Mystery Science Theater. I smell a spinoff!<br />
<br />
Course, while most of the dastardly outlaws are taking this all in stride on account the fact that the dingos fail is pretty widespread, Tex Hex's response to Cactushead pointing out that his hired mercenaries are getting whipped (because they are) is to clench his fist in anger and look like he's about ready to become the first person to punch a robot cactus. <i>Geez</i>, Tex. Take some anger management classes, will ya? <br />
<br />
And why is Cactushead even reacting in fear? He's a robot! Can he actually feel pain like his more carbon-based colleagues?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE8mTrS-_fszS3zyx0b_Ba3Luq-s7yFxjQV8VVDofMlAn2GHpy-UrTjikZxHuTTmrqHq_9SeziiuOaCCgiTSNFXifkYV9Pj8c9RfkX0slL2lqahWewd2YDD2TMbPQE_fbDiRqKNty4Tes/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE8mTrS-_fszS3zyx0b_Ba3Luq-s7yFxjQV8VVDofMlAn2GHpy-UrTjikZxHuTTmrqHq_9SeziiuOaCCgiTSNFXifkYV9Pj8c9RfkX0slL2lqahWewd2YDD2TMbPQE_fbDiRqKNty4Tes/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cactushead is amazed by Tex's glorious butt.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But Cactushead is much luckier than Scuzz and doesn't feel Tex's random, explosive wrath. Instead, the bipolar cowboy is going to signal to Sandstorm through his hat communicator (because this <i>does</i> take place in the future) to continue with the vaguely-described Plan A before ordering his men to move out. Thankfully, anything Sandstorm says or does in response to Tex's orders is kept off-screen, as nature intended. I swear, anytime Sandstorm appears onscreen, angels weep. I have scientific proof that there's a direct correlation between the massive floods that took place in America in the late 1980's and the airing of the episode "No Drums No Trumpets".<br />
<br />
Putting that aside, I have to say, it's absolutely adorable how religiously Tex keeps to his skull motif. His little communicator he pulls out of his hat has a little skull-shaped microphone that matches his skull broach and his skull face. I totally want to Skype with something like that now. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8snvKNiDqc8Q4zvmeRWbnsmWHiaoPax9niZZDeqxRNLOslexyh9mlwuxCcl4vafESYgQc-L0XVRZILyhuQRGH6rKdte6047njc55JU2TFh6mBholI8JCrqbevkir3FcCrwnTW_lr6SLA/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8snvKNiDqc8Q4zvmeRWbnsmWHiaoPax9niZZDeqxRNLOslexyh9mlwuxCcl4vafESYgQc-L0XVRZILyhuQRGH6rKdte6047njc55JU2TFh6mBholI8JCrqbevkir3FcCrwnTW_lr6SLA/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sir, have you tried disconnecting your router?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
What's his plan? It's simple, really. While Sandstorm is off being a terrible waste of celluloid paint, Tex Hex and his varied rogues gallery of a gang are going to walk right into Fort Kerium and start demanding that all of the townsfolk just hand them everything in the bank vault. Yep, all of that set-up and use of different Plan A and Plan B's and technology and all Tex is doing amounts to shouting "Look over there!" and then snatching something while Bravestarr's distracted. <br />
<br />
Luckily, Bravestarr and his crew seem to be the only ones with enough balls to fight Tex Hex or else this never would've worked. The nameless unimportant townsfolk, even though they outnumber Tex's gang at least 50 to 1, just sort of stand there with mouths agape and pants thoroughly soiled as the big bad villains move in on their town and steal their crap. Man, if only people carried <i>guns</i> in the Old West... <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6c7E8Hwc6sE-AhjPzYAy_5BdzX3kTQC61prXhCRrnKxjiWJt7YjXV6lgI5ZZvctNX-BC76nU_wbVcXY9TCIYDPM9reSGjUR1MsU83hKX_9rMyHAh1E_68_Gf7AoU3T5NsVupY_oHZtHI/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6c7E8Hwc6sE-AhjPzYAy_5BdzX3kTQC61prXhCRrnKxjiWJt7YjXV6lgI5ZZvctNX-BC76nU_wbVcXY9TCIYDPM9reSGjUR1MsU83hKX_9rMyHAh1E_68_Gf7AoU3T5NsVupY_oHZtHI/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tex's penis draws the attention of everyone in town.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
However, one thing turns this plan from a stupid idea to an awesome one. While Tex is emptying the town of all of its kerium, he's going to initiate the fort's defense mode in order to stop Bravestarr and his various woodland critters. See, what makes Fort Kerium so special compared to other towns on this dirtball of a planet is that, if the heroes so choose, they can cause the fort to shoot these really thick metal walls out of the ground complete with turrets and stuff and protect them from any outside intruders. Fort Kerium in defense mode has protected it from many things, including an army of dinosaur skeletons to a giant robot (disclaimer:<i> this totally happened</i>), and it's another feature in the show that accomplishes several things at once; it looks cool, the fort's defense mode can use the same piece of animation every time the heroes use it, and it's a viable feature for a playset for fans of the show to play with. Bravestarr wears its merchandise-driven nature like a sheriff's badge. <br />
<br />
To rub salt on the townspeople's wounds, PurpleSkin VonMustache has a great line right before he activates the gates. While turning to the camera and letting the audience know he's missing all of his teeth, Tex Hex says "If Bravestarr can close up Fort Kerium to keep me out, then I can close up Fort Kerium to keep him out!" and belts out some glorious Charlie Adler evil laughter. Man, he must've come up with a zinger like that months ago and was just waiting for the moment he could finally unleash that nugget of wisdom onto the world. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9jMT749BCDkm3k2_8Njl9z54EIh6okeF1aoKVy-TZ0VgtItd8xGe-guUTNTj8h_zczQFPwGn0HC7FgfFKQVYRKAz63XOX1hE1qP2Cx9PleLUUwFHETncju-BEI6FYZ1lKCFz8MzXv2do/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9jMT749BCDkm3k2_8Njl9z54EIh6okeF1aoKVy-TZ0VgtItd8xGe-guUTNTj8h_zczQFPwGn0HC7FgfFKQVYRKAz63XOX1hE1qP2Cx9PleLUUwFHETncju-BEI6FYZ1lKCFz8MzXv2do/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Nobody can have a mustache as awesome as mine! NOBODY!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While Tex Hex is filled with awesome and win, the cartoon realizes that we haven't checked on the actual hero of this show in a while, so we catch up on what VaguelyNativeAmerican McHerostein's doing. Turns out he's <i>still </i>beating up canines with his various animal spirit-related abilities. Man, either the dingos have numbers about as large as a locust swarm or Bravestarr sure is taking his time. No wonder Tex Hex had plenty of time to take over Fort Kerium.<br />
<br />
Hate to ask this, but the show has already pointed out that Bravestarr has radio communication that tells him when someone needs his help. So...<b><i>how come no one in Fort Kerium bothered to send a distress signal to Bravestarr and let him know what's going on</i>?</b> J.B. was able to call for help while avoiding gunfire in the wreckage of the vehicle she was in and yet none of the thousands of miners and settlers in Fort Kerium didn't bother to pick up a phone-like device and say "Hey, we sort of being held under siege by your worst enemy"? What the hell, townspeople? Do you <i>want</i> to be robbed?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidvnQAlBOlOBpLRzPDz0LERydYNspEGeMjHV87vndPZ8W2QeH8y7yDA1yw5SXkgDph-NhZmAwrxDPBs_-0LXgb6_MGbFUaDRLf-Q3deKIjI-PrH2_24HCHM7EBVSBqw9kLjE8nONmsM1c/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidvnQAlBOlOBpLRzPDz0LERydYNspEGeMjHV87vndPZ8W2QeH8y7yDA1yw5SXkgDph-NhZmAwrxDPBs_-0LXgb6_MGbFUaDRLf-Q3deKIjI-PrH2_24HCHM7EBVSBqw9kLjE8nONmsM1c/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi71N3rxvCuUcX-JOiSelbQTFFVg7C4Xhmzi3JPQolBnq5LPTmJFN2Od6LgXpnsTkGUbAo_BwMghMC5WW_Znkd5aQXY8RL1sMGw2BNGEGpr_WkJuPODXcs42SlKlE_Y9qrSzmfGi-qXkmE/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi71N3rxvCuUcX-JOiSelbQTFFVg7C4Xhmzi3JPQolBnq5LPTmJFN2Od6LgXpnsTkGUbAo_BwMghMC5WW_Znkd5aQXY8RL1sMGw2BNGEGpr_WkJuPODXcs42SlKlE_Y9qrSzmfGi-qXkmE/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bravestarr hates furries.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Even if this fight scene is mostly filler (and to make sure the young male demographic's insatiable bloodlust is satisfied if only for a brief moment), you just gotta love how at the end of it all, instead of showing the dingos yelp comically and fly away on their vehicles like cartoons normally do, they opt to go the violent route and have an extended pan that shows the amount of destruction and carnage Bravestarr has caused with just his bare hands. Suddenly Bravestarr goes from a little dorky to a real badass once you see the bodies of dingos (come on, you don't see any of them blink; they're obviously dead from liquified spines) strewn everywhere as their various vehicles lay scattered in smoldering wrecks. You can almost smell the stench of blood and scorched fur that hangs in the air when watching this glorious piece of ink and paint. Aw <i>yeah. </i>Now I suddenly want to own action figures of this franchise (no matter how much they give me the creeps) in hopes some of this badassery can rub off on me. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYgHHdAm6tyyhD7eKxkrr4lu4ShAAHVJr-5juIAFz9kd55g6UYvuC3UrAEPIWUVOBh2HfxzE3E6TJmxDfqUQqk8nGdg-H874CutMQJiVGgyzPBB7vIvfNkCVmDKoGqwPGjv8lO947YhCc/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYgHHdAm6tyyhD7eKxkrr4lu4ShAAHVJr-5juIAFz9kd55g6UYvuC3UrAEPIWUVOBh2HfxzE3E6TJmxDfqUQqk8nGdg-H874CutMQJiVGgyzPBB7vIvfNkCVmDKoGqwPGjv8lO947YhCc/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fursecution.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While Bravestarr is digging a mass grave and stowing the broken corpses of dingos into a large hole in the ground (hey, why else do you think he brought Fuzz?), Tex is closing the gates while savoring every moment of it. Because he's freaking <i>Tex Hex</i>, the baddest purple-skinned alien cowboy on this awkwardly named planet, and he's going to enjoy every moment of the few times where he actually has the upper hand over the heroes. It's not going to last very long, but for now, Tex is on the winning side and it feels <b>sooooo</b> good. <br />
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Oh, and Wuzzela is still in town. Hey, looks like we have the hero's ticket to thwarting this episode's evil scheme and all it's going to take is the use of a female side character that isn't going to have any other big roles for the rest of the series! Hooray for convenient love interests!<br />
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Even if it's hilarious how, the way this shot is framed, it looks like she's checking him and his butt out. Horny little buggers, those prairie people. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjipW4xEc2qeRZyJS6O6ZD1iPwxCZLiMCSGXcHIckbtaIn_PESzNWtV2KpWZIsLCfzEkQVuIjVT44DKCqADofrhoq1vafpiMjLgz4_TyXqTNSDkdgaxd4-19mtsoVJt3DS1wmnuRt1YLnU/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjipW4xEc2qeRZyJS6O6ZD1iPwxCZLiMCSGXcHIckbtaIn_PESzNWtV2KpWZIsLCfzEkQVuIjVT44DKCqADofrhoq1vafpiMjLgz4_TyXqTNSDkdgaxd4-19mtsoVJt3DS1wmnuRt1YLnU/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhga1xohKkddr1Bh0YBTFOvnhXXL4wJ0dMciEitZkP8fSPDMSXpjdQfasMeXPxBonkx-05rzx-PU39mOwfjzkoWoj-G3yxRcYi7XpzwEO4r9xXzcDv2gu1dhaLcMaihpD0MMT-kbYq6Uzc/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhga1xohKkddr1Bh0YBTFOvnhXXL4wJ0dMciEitZkP8fSPDMSXpjdQfasMeXPxBonkx-05rzx-PU39mOwfjzkoWoj-G3yxRcYi7XpzwEO4r9xXzcDv2gu1dhaLcMaihpD0MMT-kbYq6Uzc/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I have reason to believe Filmation is doing this on purpose at this point.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Tex then starts talking to himself while he initiates the fort's defense mode, because even cowboys suffer from the same cliches that plague every cartoon antagonist since the history of animation. But I'll forgive him for it, because one of the bizarre charms this show has is how utterly charming this villain is. While he sometimes goes into hammy "I'm having a spontaneous orgasm over how villainous my plan is!" territory like every good cartoon villain is wont to do, I'd be lying if I said he wasn't fun to watch. He makes the simple act of flipping the right switch awesome through sheer willpower and makes hanging out with talking prairie dogs look cool.<br />
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...even if sometimes I wonder why he has those awkward World of Warcraft-esque shoulder pads. Geez, Tex Hex, upgrade your gear. I'm sure you have enough Justice Points to get the Mail Shoulders that look like electrified dragon heads. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGbIAmVVPNo5ofmGysTc6MiJWaV7UhoBh1_5TLrmA4_Qy8idttmCk4slRA0kR83Cf-FNyN1l3YJfDFh3xOoyhqptksxiZk1VGu3G6t0pMDoSs9wc8CEE95qiyAeE6FMOn-hF6Nd50LbCk/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGbIAmVVPNo5ofmGysTc6MiJWaV7UhoBh1_5TLrmA4_Qy8idttmCk4slRA0kR83Cf-FNyN1l3YJfDFh3xOoyhqptksxiZk1VGu3G6t0pMDoSs9wc8CEE95qiyAeE6FMOn-hF6Nd50LbCk/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then he pulls the wrong lever and ends up falling through a trap door and into a pool of alligators.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After activating the fort walls, then Texas Style Chili laughs using stock footage. Occasionally, when this lavender-colored zombie bursts into uproarious villain merriment, his animation suddenly becomes really smooth and detailed (compare this face to the face above) and looks suspiciously like the same laughter he does in the cartoon's intro. Oh sure, sometimes they'll animate different laughs just so the kiddies won't catch on, but you can usually guess when The Stock Laugh is coming just by the type of camera shot they use. If Tex Hex suddenly goes into a close-up with ample room for him to rock around like he's heard the best blonde joke invented by mankind, you know The Stock Laugh is coming and his face will suddenly morph. Tex is talented. <br />
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If you take an issue with such laziness, remember this is a Filmation show. They kind of did this a lot. I used to know the percentage of how much of an average Filmation cartoon is stock footage right off the top of my head, but right now Tex's gorgeous flowing locks are temporarily distracting me. I must know the brand of shampoo he's using. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiiKfOjPKDTrMbe47PdyGY5uzWUEZqBUxepfuQ81xYLw2I5E3tRsnK_J4GHg-8M9GoXcyyjzcXFpQlXuL1dz5KmugqQh05c-RYhkYwjV1XQzbtZNTxXisVS1dEZZtyDZ1H8pFvpsBsjzA/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiiKfOjPKDTrMbe47PdyGY5uzWUEZqBUxepfuQ81xYLw2I5E3tRsnK_J4GHg-8M9GoXcyyjzcXFpQlXuL1dz5KmugqQh05c-RYhkYwjV1XQzbtZNTxXisVS1dEZZtyDZ1H8pFvpsBsjzA/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"LOL!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Speaking of stock footage, the entire sequence of the fort getting shut down (which takes about ten years to play through in its entirety; it's a pretty long transformation sequence) is even <i>more</i> stock footage taken from the movie. So basically, it's stock footage right after stock footage with no new animation for over a minute. Forget Captain Planet, this is the <i>real </i>environmentally friendly cartoon! <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghKSpcQhsMx5z-Tpgod1GZ227X2rZHjWNf1EcZu-17MYqpWsWI6fvR7mWd1D3-GwzV7zWuVufEh5e2UkEKRuyGZM5ieDfx1atXjAkVVJSp1e463MBlnaV4JKGWWJHJDHjXuiJ35Pncy7g/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghKSpcQhsMx5z-Tpgod1GZ227X2rZHjWNf1EcZu-17MYqpWsWI6fvR7mWd1D3-GwzV7zWuVufEh5e2UkEKRuyGZM5ieDfx1atXjAkVVJSp1e463MBlnaV4JKGWWJHJDHjXuiJ35Pncy7g/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then after the fort goes into defense mode, we watch all of the Sailor Scouts transform, Prince Adam turn into He-Man, Ash turn his cap and throw a Poke Ball, and all of the Digimon divolve into their Champion forms.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After the fort's impressive transformation sequence, our heroes finally discover what's going on and let the crushing wave of irony just roll over them in a tide of despair as they stare at the impregnable walls of their own town now keeping them out. Yeah, probably should've left someone to guard Fort Kerium just in case something like this happens, <i>Bravestarr</i>. Fuzz didn't need to come; he could've been watching for any signs of outlaws! Geez, you people <b>suck</b> at your job.<br />
<br />
And their grief only gets worse once you see that Handlebar is inappropriately grabbing the Marshall on top of a cyborg horse. No, seriously. Look at Bravestarr's face and body language there and how he seems unsure whether to keep ignoring it or to use his Strength of the Bear to reclaim some of his personal space. Looks like we need an end of an episode moral on how it's your body and how people shouldn't touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.<br />
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Additionally, Handlebar is supposed to weigh fourteen tons. I'm not sure how he's even able to ride Thirty-Thirty without snapping his spine. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipqJr-BzaXrI8Yafw5HWAR4KCe1f9u8BAkzOh4xIM1CigRCs8qR6ts_8ONyhJGguXXUSPt-gCY8PZoj1Pe_mzG-EMVSJp9bWDGM_Nhs0Noc-DB-TZD-qaWfGJkUr3wWVCZnRy7WycE4VY/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipqJr-BzaXrI8Yafw5HWAR4KCe1f9u8BAkzOh4xIM1CigRCs8qR6ts_8ONyhJGguXXUSPt-gCY8PZoj1Pe_mzG-EMVSJp9bWDGM_Nhs0Noc-DB-TZD-qaWfGJkUr3wWVCZnRy7WycE4VY/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOhGk1DlJKHL8rHwZe_1bSJPhVQ_OWnqYk1_cpiZn7ktso4loHWQK_LnRTM9C3hPhXGXWloWKWlDCiQF02TIgy5bbCNeNFlm6VE17eTeQ9m91kUBvZBzYr7DGFBO-azd_528Wk09J0Zuk/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOhGk1DlJKHL8rHwZe_1bSJPhVQ_OWnqYk1_cpiZn7ktso4loHWQK_LnRTM9C3hPhXGXWloWKWlDCiQF02TIgy5bbCNeNFlm6VE17eTeQ9m91kUBvZBzYr7DGFBO-azd_528Wk09J0Zuk/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, wait a second! This establishing shot was from the movie!"</td></tr>
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So Bravestarr does a quick scan of Fort Kerium and finds that Tex Hex and his gang are inside the walls. I guess that rules out the possibility that the people of Fort Kerium are being assholes and pulling a really elaborate prank on their law enforcement. <br />
<br />
By the way, Bravestarr's creepy full-body scan of the main villain (man, what does he think he is; an airport?) is also stock footage and has appeared in more than one episode. I probably sound like a broken record, and back then, you could get away with reusing that many shots, but I just feel like noting all of this stuff for posterity just in case someone at home has a notepad and pencil in hand and feels like playing Filmation Bingo.<br />
<br />
...I also kind of wonder why the scan only shows Tex Hex's face and not the faces of the other outlaws, but now I'm just being nitpicky. Where's Cactushead's mugshot?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgFEgjDNQH-QCcYeJLlXBM519f_TAqMTcx4hh6od9BHnqW_mNTgGI9tuUnkCchgiTi7jb-Mf56EzTx5qkKIfcKip6HKTmPGx_J7MomifSzFS2Xtj9qAX0jUfANBbn1FFG_noiNehWbODY/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgFEgjDNQH-QCcYeJLlXBM519f_TAqMTcx4hh6od9BHnqW_mNTgGI9tuUnkCchgiTi7jb-Mf56EzTx5qkKIfcKip6HKTmPGx_J7MomifSzFS2Xtj9qAX0jUfANBbn1FFG_noiNehWbODY/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm really tempted to do some research on this show in order to find out whether that number actually <i>means</i> anything...</td></tr>
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Judge J.B., realizing that soon she's going to fade into the background and have nothing to do for the rest of the episode, says one more important thing. She says that nothing can break through the fort when it's in defense mode, not even Bravestarr's Strength of the Bear. I like that the show has to make a point to say that Strength of the Bear is not going to help, because that's <i>the</i> power Bravestarr abuses the most out of this show. Wall standing in his way? Strength of the Bear. Door needs to be opened? Strength of the Bear. Bridge that needs to be made? Strength of the Bear. The cappuccino machine isn't working in the staff room? You get the picture.<br />
<br />
Not that Strength of the Bear isn't really needed in this situation. No offense, but if there's only five bad guys holding the fort hostage and most of Tex's numbers were used in his distraction. What's stopping them from just using their two flying machines already available to them and fly over the fort? All the villains are currently grouped together in the middle of the town according to Bravestarr's scanners; Fuzz and the Judge can both fly over, fight their way through a wave on incompetent villains (come on, Cactushead was beaten by people <i>flinging mud pies at him</i>; he's not that threatening) to the control room...<br />
<br />
Ooooor they're going to do this the hard way. Fine, <b><i>be that way</i></b>, Marshall.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvPkwrPoJtm0Qi6IskTQTI1AWOSsYNwUZfpiMWyTt_v-JYtiuNEJ8Xq_AWB-zvZpgT-_Y73yNmHeyAt1cJy3rs-ZauC5ZNNE_w53LnIR94S9AjlilQvB_txn92pDI6HymPtVKeMlQPU3E/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvPkwrPoJtm0Qi6IskTQTI1AWOSsYNwUZfpiMWyTt_v-JYtiuNEJ8Xq_AWB-zvZpgT-_Y73yNmHeyAt1cJy3rs-ZauC5ZNNE_w53LnIR94S9AjlilQvB_txn92pDI6HymPtVKeMlQPU3E/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, I hate it when punching things won't solve my problems."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While the heroes are trying to figure out what the everflipping hell they're supposed to do, Tex is already dividing up duty amongst his various dumbass toadies. Thunderstick and Cactushead get to blow up the vaults, probably because, being robots and all, they're the most competent of Tex's gang as far as shooting things go. And while they're doing that task off-screen so that the animators don't have to draw new explosions and go overbudget, Vipra gets to <strike>disappear for most of the episode</strike> keep the townspeople from attacking Tex. Sounds decent. I love a villain who actually knows how to strategize as opposed to standing there and wondering "Well, I got rid of the hero. Now what?" like I've seen way too many Disney Afternoon villains do.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP0GVSx55tI2XDzIBc5S1RhZSpp9_KHr5MVKJZRumtu3mT8uiMdhtnPLlujp0KVevJvysFC_zMmdI4kDbss2x0VbgZDwqSunCdD5onEMsXoJuDzMusLiRwpRfj8fSeq8okYcx5-XlfgmA/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP0GVSx55tI2XDzIBc5S1RhZSpp9_KHr5MVKJZRumtu3mT8uiMdhtnPLlujp0KVevJvysFC_zMmdI4kDbss2x0VbgZDwqSunCdD5onEMsXoJuDzMusLiRwpRfj8fSeq8okYcx5-XlfgmA/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Nice manicure, boss!"</td></tr>
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After he says all of that villainous gobbledygook and everything seems to be going smoothly in Tex's life, suddenly a cloud of smoke obscures Tex's genitals as Scuzz wonders what <i>he </i>gets to do. Tex Hex's withering look of contempt really says everything there needs to be said about their relationship. He may be a ruthless outlaw capable of holding an entire town hostage, but he wants his lungs completely cancer free. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGFrb3urBtvVonUjwV23Br45YgmwX6gWRPKUOV68ayJISk58ztI9dayx-EcciZ1_d3rP3cei1WjzOiBi2xTFAI8_xvSGhBVpeAsiza20oNQcz8uZh2rC7eaGXJDaW5fVC9-GyPD2Rt7t0/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGFrb3urBtvVonUjwV23Br45YgmwX6gWRPKUOV68ayJISk58ztI9dayx-EcciZ1_d3rP3cei1WjzOiBi2xTFAI8_xvSGhBVpeAsiza20oNQcz8uZh2rC7eaGXJDaW5fVC9-GyPD2Rt7t0/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Great. My pants have spontaneously combusted again."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Scuzz, since he's absolutely useless at pretty much anything else other than providing Tex Hex with some company, gets to tag along with his boss just in case Bravestarr tries to tunnel in with <i>his</i> prairie person. Only, when Tex Hex says it, he's a lot more racist about it. While they're cruising through town, scoping for chicks, Tex Hex has the balls to say "You prairie rats know aaaaall about tunnels, don't cha?" to Scuzz. <b>Wow</b>. Way to be a racist douche to someone who's been working with you for almost twenty years, Tex Hex.<br />
<br />
But the best part is Scuzz's reaction. Instead of telling Tex off for being an insensitive asshole, he just says "Oh sure, boss!" and continues on his merry little way as if nothing's happened. It's kind of admirable how Scuzz just doesn't give a crap about people insulting him for being a prairie person. Tex Hex is busy saying something that's the equivalent of me going "You Jews know aaaaall about banking, don't cha?" (disclaimer: My family's Jewish; I'm free to make this joke) and Scuzz just totally shrugs it off. Scuzz is pretty chill like that. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2oHT3uLz216evG1k2bPFvFP4uNnBR-QshTDsNCD7Jkq3braLnx8VkR7DJsRl5MdPEMZlspYrj3EtopFb_WY-30ZiG1vOBZzJnvJ5-LahKgaRGwjgsTZrUtGGLLlqlKMZTowhI66QoPNo/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2oHT3uLz216evG1k2bPFvFP4uNnBR-QshTDsNCD7Jkq3braLnx8VkR7DJsRl5MdPEMZlspYrj3EtopFb_WY-30ZiG1vOBZzJnvJ5-LahKgaRGwjgsTZrUtGGLLlqlKMZTowhI66QoPNo/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aww, it's just like owning a big, smelly pet with a terrible smoking addiction.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But <strike>Princess Fiona</strike> <i>Wuzzela</i> overheard and she's not going to take that racial slur lying down. Way to drop the R-word, Tex Hex! He has made a powerful enemy today; one that will have a 40 episode gap between this appearance and her next appearance (if you go by production order anyway, and god that makes me sound like such a dork), no less!<br />
<br />
I also want to point out that there's probably a direct correlation between the fact that this show has a lot of short, dwarf-like characters making up this cast and the fact that Happily Ever After was currently in production. Man, if I wasn't so lazy and weighed down with schoolwork, I'd be watching this alongside that movie to see if any of the prairie people share animation with any of the dwarfelles. I simply <i>must know</i> how much of this animation is recycled!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUbRynCQlZhcL-IWQV8rgdqsEwVNwU8qwKPXzYwaODSn4D_ZDrfSMzAFG2azUdkXZPZLvlQL_ZuxSXSBynZ4q4pLFKgkvgRXPNttuSRpGW00ovbK039KNRvlwHktaZp3M68do5gDBFqUM/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUbRynCQlZhcL-IWQV8rgdqsEwVNwU8qwKPXzYwaODSn4D_ZDrfSMzAFG2azUdkXZPZLvlQL_ZuxSXSBynZ4q4pLFKgkvgRXPNttuSRpGW00ovbK039KNRvlwHktaZp3M68do5gDBFqUM/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken20.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
So we cut back to Bravestarr and-<i><b>GAH!</b></i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1Yzrk-cU_Zpzsoslb0JYC2BiCChZbPzHxDdgTWrt1QlPpSQtgf_1TiwdMe6Lt0Z4QpVogg9j7VAt5aEue_i0E-f6tRQZfICmgeoed65h94hvd6xTi0FRXhSG9X_p11e2VSzlD29vfKFg/s1600/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1Yzrk-cU_Zpzsoslb0JYC2BiCChZbPzHxDdgTWrt1QlPpSQtgf_1TiwdMe6Lt0Z4QpVogg9j7VAt5aEue_i0E-f6tRQZfICmgeoed65h94hvd6xTi0FRXhSG9X_p11e2VSzlD29vfKFg/s320/bravestarrthedaythetownwastaken21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bravestarr sees what you did there.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Okay, so we cut back to Bravestarr, who's busy undressing me with his eyes. He remembered that Wuzzela is still in town, so he vaguely says he's going to hook up a telephone for them to talk to her.<br />
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Meanwhile, Fuzz just stands there, staring at Bravestarr, as if thinking "The hell are you talking about? You know I can just burrow underground and end up underneath your office, right? I can fight off Scuzz; it's been proven in like several different episodes that I can win in a fist fight with him." But instead of speaking up and getting some time in the spotlight, Fuzz chooses to go with the Marshall's boneheaded idea. After all, taking the easy way out is for outlaws. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAlfuO0MJLN_TbJlqIlSQ6FIOVIuyl0NGJdtoad1QHhQUwLvN2u6EjhTJwTwGlAuvZSb5J1FIv2BZ3uFqY6RBGWnIKvZz6bXm_HUEsb_NU1ZCOMpWhvl5H_GoKSrXodCpKpwzxDBAPr_0/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAlfuO0MJLN_TbJlqIlSQ6FIOVIuyl0NGJdtoad1QHhQUwLvN2u6EjhTJwTwGlAuvZSb5J1FIv2BZ3uFqY6RBGWnIKvZz6bXm_HUEsb_NU1ZCOMpWhvl5H_GoKSrXodCpKpwzxDBAPr_0/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, no one's buying our action figures. I'm feeling kind of depressed..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, the robots are busy unloading the vaults of their kerium with their state-of-the-art futuristic technology lifted straight from the 23rd century. A forklift!<br />
<br />
...were there forklifts in the Old West? I'm kind of confused.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWmid79AvYz9wyn3knqy_Ww5KxUcq2eGktJth1nJWjqYf48IYKr2l_nzozXzOUFIucS3vrelpBV5VrRl9DF-ZoY2sSxZt5zB-g35k44DVC_9tdKtIrL9uWOu0BHNks5eBNsAGnd4TYWQc/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWmid79AvYz9wyn3knqy_Ww5KxUcq2eGktJth1nJWjqYf48IYKr2l_nzozXzOUFIucS3vrelpBV5VrRl9DF-ZoY2sSxZt5zB-g35k44DVC_9tdKtIrL9uWOu0BHNks5eBNsAGnd4TYWQc/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>He tried to kill me with a forklift! Ole!</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So they have the glowy space rocks and they made sure that Bravestarr can't get in. But how are they going to get out of town with their loot, the little walking bundle of cancer cells asks his boss. I mean, geez, it's not like any of the people in their evil band of outlaws knows how to dig any escape tunnels or something of that nature. <i>Right</i>, Scuzz? <br />
<br />
Also, crotch glow. Like I'm pointing out the stock footage, I'm pointing out the bizarre Tex Hex fanservice this cartoon would give to the audience. It's like Lou Scheimer knew that he had a sexy villain on his hands and was willing to pimp him out on every available opportunity. This show's odd fixation with Tex's body parts was so big, so consuming that they needed a sidekick whose only purpose in life (besides showing the harmful effects of smoking) is to make sure that Tex's Crotch got more billing than Tex Hex. And that sidekick is Scuzz. He left a powerful legacy.<br />
<br />
...goddamn, I just wrote an entire paragraph on crotches. I could've used this skill for my term papers.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjea4TVp-UnLf1rdlymx4Ll7wql-_mHdUgBJfhqYSww2Klax4rCfsVmGXuFxKwSAVDe2IDvT2P71OGbtuN5zRSfsy9mRLVbYi4CiVNzR7miw0VGz9EVjiTaEkJvUtnxcbovqgFoWZQMJnw/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjea4TVp-UnLf1rdlymx4Ll7wql-_mHdUgBJfhqYSww2Klax4rCfsVmGXuFxKwSAVDe2IDvT2P71OGbtuN5zRSfsy9mRLVbYi4CiVNzR7miw0VGz9EVjiTaEkJvUtnxcbovqgFoWZQMJnw/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sir, you can get tumors from doing that!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But back to the show. According to Tex-Mex Chili Con Carne, they do have an escape route. Turns out Sandstorm, that ugly Star Trek reject of a villain, stole a kerium freighter offscreen. What makes this kind of funny is that the character is <i>never</i> that competent when he's onscreen. Suddenly, the moment he's gone for most of an episode, he can perform amazing tasks like stealing entire starships. <br />
<br />
Also, Sandstorm just stole an entire kerium freighter without getting any authorities on his ass? Geez, I guess having your entire law force being a man, his talking rodent, and his giant talking horse <b>isn't </b>doing wonders for the citizens of New Texas. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkEFp-2UOgu_zmRmW18GYk3cn8dEJfFhVuFE3fTWf_AFuUHEGo1KC-CmZHoHVDELIfFPtPXy7rtGhvL-o1auZDnmt1DKzIh-CJ-YihCLjRplzP_d2OmevBzNj05aIeU_chgUVv94wutRY/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkEFp-2UOgu_zmRmW18GYk3cn8dEJfFhVuFE3fTWf_AFuUHEGo1KC-CmZHoHVDELIfFPtPXy7rtGhvL-o1auZDnmt1DKzIh-CJ-YihCLjRplzP_d2OmevBzNj05aIeU_chgUVv94wutRY/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqZ5b-mFQn9otZzTHe8_odw4F4wT7NRoCosr7OytRXPaY96mWlDh2fkJ-1mZIieO1MspqpkwEBPY5oZ-KmuusHWPs7PwYFQt0HhaN7o6xzTpccqboVRgHjM0fOm0jFWy5W8o8zD9IlHAk/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqZ5b-mFQn9otZzTHe8_odw4F4wT7NRoCosr7OytRXPaY96mWlDh2fkJ-1mZIieO1MspqpkwEBPY5oZ-KmuusHWPs7PwYFQt0HhaN7o6xzTpccqboVRgHjM0fOm0jFWy5W8o8zD9IlHAk/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Random poles sticking out of nowhere? This must be <i>the future</i>!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
With the villains suitably satisfied, we cut back to Wuzzela (prairie people are obsessed with Z's in their names) and how she's feeling really bummed out by her inability to take on five criminals armed with guns by herself. But that's when she hears a strange sound outside the wall. Le gasp! Could it be Bravestarr's grand plan?<br />
<br />
By the way, brace yourselves. You're about ready to see one of the silliest plot developments I have ever seen in a Filmation cartoon, one that doesn't even make sense in the context of this strange space western of a show. No words can describe what is about to take place. And when I say that, I really mean it, because these are the people who brought us He-Man and a show where a gorilla captures ghosts with a butterfly net. <br />
<br />
And <i>way to make sure that all of the townsfolk stay out of Tex Hex's way,</i> Vipra. Geez, what the hell, how come no one called her out on this? Tex Hex's plan is about to be ruined by a civilian when her only order was to make sure that no civilians ruin his plan.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGnWiSCKxzmDZug2_SjnEY_H3tD0uJrXPfivZSBzBRsMg0wJEf1_ApEVR-z2fzfNC80pD3hYjAJzMCPNOLlFDXXQ_93oYfiyEm6O-_TKuC5S632tQiK9SpLUKpH1ZO7WU8MRt80emv37g/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGnWiSCKxzmDZug2_SjnEY_H3tD0uJrXPfivZSBzBRsMg0wJEf1_ApEVR-z2fzfNC80pD3hYjAJzMCPNOLlFDXXQ_93oYfiyEm6O-_TKuC5S632tQiK9SpLUKpH1ZO7WU8MRt80emv37g/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Geez, the one time where it'd be perfectly okay for Vipra to just <i>eat</i> one of the prairie people and she blows it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Behold, the space-age futuristic technology in play here! <br />
<br />
No, this is not an elaborate photoshop. Native American He-Man is going to communicate with Wuzzela with <b><i>a paper cup attached to some string</i></b>. Instead of using his magical spirit animal powers or advanced laser technology or hell, <i>a radio</i>, he's using a device mastered by pioneers in grade school in order to learn about sound vibrations. <br />
<br />
...Deputy Fuzz's face there really says all that needs to be said. There's no way I can touch this scene.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRfbjB2p6RpCvKUBte8laI2pMa6ODuUK2WxzPoLADkNALt72JqGnIHPB3fFiAVTJ-yuRSqQ-ylmOQFx1x27Ht1X6VvYKRtdEIm90cy4vjcylCAlGMb7xL2OCFO9qmbiUB4Ru_wsWH_g_Q/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRfbjB2p6RpCvKUBte8laI2pMa6ODuUK2WxzPoLADkNALt72JqGnIHPB3fFiAVTJ-yuRSqQ-ylmOQFx1x27Ht1X6VvYKRtdEIm90cy4vjcylCAlGMb7xL2OCFO9qmbiUB4Ru_wsWH_g_Q/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"What the hell...?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, just in case you can't get enough of the strange hobbit-like furballs running around this fair town, Scuzz gets a very important job in the evil scheme for once, for he's going to switch on the landing lights in the Marshall's office. Tex makes sure to take the time to warn him <i>not</i> to pull the wrong switch, which is basically shorthand for "I'm letting everyone know just how Scuzz is going to screw up a pivotal part of my plan in order for the heroes to gain the upper hand and defeat me". Bumbling minions; you get what you pay for. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm5vpe-jAUiDfs_V2NmW27q6EmzyUVsDywkgGUmnfAIaJlHCFfWrhQ5KocT7wDVxwMCO2Pt-mWD7aWLWymJ6BWWUhY0luIHUablbuf_KRMAgZUrJYzIqz65adalxBGISE7xdV5-eUcDac/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm5vpe-jAUiDfs_V2NmW27q6EmzyUVsDywkgGUmnfAIaJlHCFfWrhQ5KocT7wDVxwMCO2Pt-mWD7aWLWymJ6BWWUhY0luIHUablbuf_KRMAgZUrJYzIqz65adalxBGISE7xdV5-eUcDac/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now would be a good time to point out that Scuzz has the <br />
ugliest action figure out of the toy line. Poor Scuzz just can't win.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It turns out Bravestarr had used his kindergarten technology to tell Wuzzela to head into the Marshall's office to flip the switch that will reactivate the walls, but Scuzz gets there first because that's where the landing lights are located too, so now she has an obstacle she has to deal with in order to help Bravestarr. Nice of the town to just keep all of its important, town-related gadgets regardless of use or function in the same goddamn building. Geez, what happens if Scuzz dropped his cigar and the entire building burst into flames, destroying every single infrastructure, from the electricity to the indoor plumbing to the heating, in the entire fort? <br />
<br />
And look at how gross Scuzz looks compared to another prairie person. Smoking's bad for you, kids. As is getting your molecules reconstructed by a giant green space cow.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja8iuNraiiUC51pxDOBXE506K-NmyeiaxqIqYjbcYoeFYizOjWlC37RSpUHZ04Q5khOIFvZ26PpP7kNj9d5vkC_J5ultDPMAerrIcZRzaw6dCPXMQWHRtghJ59eoiTiTRwPBHCVd8wmSI/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja8iuNraiiUC51pxDOBXE506K-NmyeiaxqIqYjbcYoeFYizOjWlC37RSpUHZ04Q5khOIFvZ26PpP7kNj9d5vkC_J5ultDPMAerrIcZRzaw6dCPXMQWHRtghJ59eoiTiTRwPBHCVd8wmSI/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">But hey, who to we to judge? Maybe he's attractive by prairie people standards.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Well, this is inconvenient. Surely she can't fight Scuzz all by herself. How's she going to get to the controls?<br />
<br />
If you answered "she's going to seduce him" in response to that previous rhetorical question, congratulations. You now know exactly where this scene is going to lead. It's admirable how, at some point during the pre-production stage of this episode where everyone was finalizing scripts and storyboards, one of the screenwriters was all "You know what this episode needs? A scene where someone tries to seduce <i>Scuzz</i>." to his peers and they accepted it. I sure hope that screenwriter is getting the care he needs in a well-guarded institution. <br />
<br />
I'm also not sure why Wuzzela even carries a thing of lipstick and face powder if you never even see her wear makeup, but I guess she was just waiting for the right moment.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhekYkYvPSW0jtvH74ZsZArrXDvmiqzloEVPPNgYFTfi2fYxSskCt6EcvJHTgmX6kthu_jkn9EQmaD6SytODXcUH-2FAl42nLrLBB8lgwdhvjL6KIrEebuO7Qv0jVExVY37GIOlCwGVJIA/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhekYkYvPSW0jtvH74ZsZArrXDvmiqzloEVPPNgYFTfi2fYxSskCt6EcvJHTgmX6kthu_jkn9EQmaD6SytODXcUH-2FAl42nLrLBB8lgwdhvjL6KIrEebuO7Qv0jVExVY37GIOlCwGVJIA/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then it turns out that Scuzz is only interested in men and her plan fails.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Like all men, the moment an attractive lady goes up to him, calls him famous, and starts fluttering her eyelashes in a suggestive manner in his direction, Scuzz is very pleased. A little <i>too</i> pleased, might I add, because now I'm coming to the awful realization that this means that <i>Scuzz</i> of all people has a healthy, throbbing libido and desires a little action too. So what if his boss told him to turn on some landing lights? He's gonna score tonight!<br />
<br />
Without using a gross amount of hyperbole, this is easily the best scene in the entire episode. All of the animation is completely brand new and there's a lot of good, cartoony expressions. In fact, it's reasonable to assume that<i> this </i>is why this episode was made. Someone storyboarded this sequence (because they were sick assholes), said "Well, damn. I need an episode to explain this scene", and called upon the might of Filmation's brilliant writers to do the rest of the work.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigu8camoorvMm1_Y8YB8KYVqebDXtbmCcFQH7PyQEQbx-2-b4Nc0X4BSG7cqWyH92YsPE-1F3YSTL2at6FiOL0ku7e7wTvzVYx9FdYfW7-3SSodaAGcg65zPgY1Pg5B00WiQFgol5vWpQ/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigu8camoorvMm1_Y8YB8KYVqebDXtbmCcFQH7PyQEQbx-2-b4Nc0X4BSG7cqWyH92YsPE-1F3YSTL2at6FiOL0ku7e7wTvzVYx9FdYfW7-3SSodaAGcg65zPgY1Pg5B00WiQFgol5vWpQ/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is why you always get your evil minion spayed or neutered prior to going on missions.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Outlaw Scuzz is actually hesitant at first about letting a very gorgeous, attractive woman go with him and snuggle right next to him, since he actually really wants to do a good job and knows Tex Hex won't give him any salmon treats or belly rubs tonight if he screws this part of the scheme up, but it doesn't take long for him to crack. Must be mating season.<br />
<br />
I feel bad for asking this, but how far was Wuzzela willing to go to save the town? What would Fuzz think if, after the day is saved and everyone's gathered in a group telling the audience what they learned from this adventure in order to promote strong morals, Wuzzela says "I learned that people who smoke more than two packs a day are pretty terrible in bed" or "I learned that whoring yourself out has its own rewards". <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn-iExn627HVagRlTekzgIQBQ9nnFEmxD507FWnXamheFnWWAGc2af2o2CtZ2VtzJ8mPP9npVpdObJ1qOFfDFDEK9ZFTP-vHEPgTnVy6ls8tHJhhggLRaTKQw3vStfXmuv5WhsYOvi5-Q/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn-iExn627HVagRlTekzgIQBQ9nnFEmxD507FWnXamheFnWWAGc2af2o2CtZ2VtzJ8mPP9npVpdObJ1qOFfDFDEK9ZFTP-vHEPgTnVy6ls8tHJhhggLRaTKQw3vStfXmuv5WhsYOvi5-Q/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"A woman suddenly showing interest in me when I'm in the town's main control room. This isn't suspicious at all!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And, to top off the awesome scene with some awesomesauce and an awesome cherry, when Scuzz turns his back (and looks as close to aroused as a G-rated cartoon can manage), Wuzzela makes this face. <br />
<br />
...okay, what's she going to do to Scuzz? Now I'm a little worried.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHAc86Y3H5nliGwJ3mYKilEngopswAWmoNsVjlYoqcxorHYNc1apbn0TlGl2-m1C0JbSB_LYby6eM9ggjhMgBxm6Xr3-DAzqRsUL6a6rBYM3Fa0V_eSNSoXmAaGkqEljlV7W7KtxI7Y3w/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHAc86Y3H5nliGwJ3mYKilEngopswAWmoNsVjlYoqcxorHYNc1apbn0TlGl2-m1C0JbSB_LYby6eM9ggjhMgBxm6Xr3-DAzqRsUL6a6rBYM3Fa0V_eSNSoXmAaGkqEljlV7W7KtxI7Y3w/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She's plotting horrible, horrible, non G-rated things...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After that scene is thankfully over (man did it take a turn), Bravestarr and Thirty-Thirty are at the gate, waiting for the moment when Wuzzela finally opens the gates and lets them in. It's a short scene, with nothing interesting taking place other than Thirty-Thirty wondering in his deep Baloo voice how Wuzzela is going to reach the switch since she's such a tiny lady without any weapons.<br />
<br />
Oh, don't worry, Thirty-Thirty. All she has to do is sleep with the enemy and, when he's passed out from a sex-induced euphoria (or from lung cancer; this<i> is</i> Scuzz we're talking about here), <i>then</i> she can pull the switch. Wuzzela knows what she's doing. Why else would she have the makeup just readily available at her disposal? <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihpplVZYH3rlidUScHY9vvuv5JVizx_n_5HSTSqY_Gwh6DPjWtY-7HfFESgPRs2LwJrfb_pwrC1gY4VwkGnZiptsEH5ECglSlFCSRt3uMJtG_HL9O3pkj-TKPNPCGzWiJf1JDQa0ift30/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihpplVZYH3rlidUScHY9vvuv5JVizx_n_5HSTSqY_Gwh6DPjWtY-7HfFESgPRs2LwJrfb_pwrC1gY4VwkGnZiptsEH5ECglSlFCSRt3uMJtG_HL9O3pkj-TKPNPCGzWiJf1JDQa0ift30/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Thirty-Thirty, you do realize that antennae makes you look like a giant dork, right?"<br />
"Yeah, go shove it, Bravestarr."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Cut to the next scene, where Scuzz and his hot new date are standing on a box where they can reach the switch. Nice of all the town controls to be meant for humans even though the prairie people and a bunch of other aliens make their homes in Fort Kerium too. Inclusive society my <i>ass</i>, Bravestarr. At least install tiny stepladders for the shorter aliens! <br />
<br />
I also find it kind of cute that you can see that Scuzz is slightly shorter than Wuzzela here, because he can only be at the same eye level as her when he stands on his tiptoes. Because it's one thing to be a prairie person and it's another thing to be a <i>short</i> prairie person. No wonder he wears a hat that's almost as big as him.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg48Qsd0LkMwHGdEppJHxr4-MxoCtoae6Xr_rGBE2t0gFesYs5y8_VmojmSyAliRDVpxWtMopUDBtHbYXYrUvvtXcVIZCrRyu78uMQPnj6KaW7kjJPo1iKTfAiGbEHYKVWfJy0lQssGHGw/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg48Qsd0LkMwHGdEppJHxr4-MxoCtoae6Xr_rGBE2t0gFesYs5y8_VmojmSyAliRDVpxWtMopUDBtHbYXYrUvvtXcVIZCrRyu78uMQPnj6KaW7kjJPo1iKTfAiGbEHYKVWfJy0lQssGHGw/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aww, how romantic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now normally I tune out all of the broken English the prairie people vomit at an alarming rate because I hate it when cute, furry animals try to be cutesy by butchering verbs and proper sentence conjugation, but Scuzz gets a really adorable line when he switches on the landing lights. He says "Now Kerium Freighter cans come down!" in such an eager, non-villainous tone that I just want to run to the nearest animal shelter and adopt a prairie person of my own.<br />
<br />
...wait. Prairie people don't exist, do they? <i><b>Crap!</b></i> <br />
<br />
And this part is the only time you actually see and hear Sandstorm in this episode. I wish all episodes were like this. I want my hatred of Sandstorm to be as obvious as an 80's afternoon special preaching about the dangers of drugs. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFcL2gvvVh6vc6FI6eb5NjIZZ9oJ-zUHOvZvK17aIsw_8sPrIr9yVDlqR9J0WqVMUUY7GSjC6uc3W8gbvJf7oIW4iekyq3zpLl1Ngc1avcdeRG7-18rBETDuPhLEDSKemLKUThgMWEbgk/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFcL2gvvVh6vc6FI6eb5NjIZZ9oJ-zUHOvZvK17aIsw_8sPrIr9yVDlqR9J0WqVMUUY7GSjC6uc3W8gbvJf7oIW4iekyq3zpLl1Ngc1avcdeRG7-18rBETDuPhLEDSKemLKUThgMWEbgk/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">...does he really even need the lights?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After he does that, One Dimensional Love Interest tries to convince Scuzz to make the town walls open, but surprisingly, Outlaw Disgusting In Practically Every Way is totally steadfast and still refuses to do it, even though he agreed to let her come with her and watch him be amazing at pulling switches. Scuzz has standards, you know!<br />
<br />
And even though the animators really go out of their way to make the villainous prairie person look as haggard and as revolting as physically possible in this scene just to make us pity Wuzzela even more, you can't help but feel really bad for Outlaw Scuzz. He had to live with Tex Hex for twenty years, can't talk a sentence without bursting into a coughing fit, is hated by his entire species, and has a toy designed to give children nightmares. Dude deserves a little action in his life, the poor thing.<br />
<br />
...and I'm not sure what it says about the prairie people if the most likeable member of their species is the hideously mutated one hopelessly addicted to tobacco. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnjNUSwyRPv2pzygjVqBrfNeJFwyuMdxcvYPwYcbb1lewg3NWFCBupnVUgza5R_k8wTKFz5WxDgm1AcU2ljd84b-2v9mb-ynpK2u1u8Zz27eXpIH78Xu35pAZk88asp-yq87EWT2EI55g/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnjNUSwyRPv2pzygjVqBrfNeJFwyuMdxcvYPwYcbb1lewg3NWFCBupnVUgza5R_k8wTKFz5WxDgm1AcU2ljd84b-2v9mb-ynpK2u1u8Zz27eXpIH78Xu35pAZk88asp-yq87EWT2EI55g/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"My mother says I'm a catch!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It's only when Scuzz starts coughing so hard that <i>he doubles over in pain </i>that she can pull the switch for herself. So instead of seducing a man until he becomes so lovestruck that he does everything Wuzzela tells him to do, all she had to do was wait until his crippling smoking addiction temporarily incapacitates him. Okay, that works too.<br />
<br />
Poor Scuzz. He's never going to get laid at this rate. Women like men with a little more stamina.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy2bSknFRqkjx_g2wNbtZTPTewYb9O3v9VpyAb8LMST1SoE3kw8TcLzJGbJJrKJR9k1OBJFQbRmgF961C4OztJ5eGvLYl8TkiISoTfIZGSU6_IByI7yG8wcXC5fNd3en06kQa6B0Ah560/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy2bSknFRqkjx_g2wNbtZTPTewYb9O3v9VpyAb8LMST1SoE3kw8TcLzJGbJJrKJR9k1OBJFQbRmgF961C4OztJ5eGvLYl8TkiISoTfIZGSU6_IByI7yG8wcXC5fNd3en06kQa6B0Ah560/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh yeah, this is <i>very</i> attractive.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So you can guess what happens next. The walls to Fort Kerium open up, Bravestarr and his friends all move in, Sandstorm runs out of the episode like a wuss, Scuzz dies of cancer, Cactushead discovers the true meaning of life, and Filmation issues in what promises to be a very violent and very bullet-filled climax in the old west as Bravestarr and Thirty-Thirty approach Tex Hex and both of them point guns at his chest. <br />
<br />
And here, my friends, is why Bravestarr is so stupidly awesome. He-Man never used his sword to decapitate any of his foes, but Bravestarr ain't gonna hold back. If he has a gun, he's going to goddamn use it because they're <i>not</i> for show. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8YpaKhBcpVxVd6Ujmn7jklfEBt4KSdHAGA2jZsG6s4vRMZDqArOzuLDb-wLMGA84Xg6B7L4qQhlIQhY_ZILNqbZXHdsqXHNmgRas2mv8MJ66CrgCXzJZkKUZ3_pNgCWUXIjjgMOfVNgE/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8YpaKhBcpVxVd6Ujmn7jklfEBt4KSdHAGA2jZsG6s4vRMZDqArOzuLDb-wLMGA84Xg6B7L4qQhlIQhY_ZILNqbZXHdsqXHNmgRas2mv8MJ66CrgCXzJZkKUZ3_pNgCWUXIjjgMOfVNgE/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I missed an era where cartoons could point guns at the audiences' faces.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Yee haw! Slap my chaps and call me a son of a gun; we done have ourselves a shootout! Git 'r done!<br />
<br />
...okay, the shootout involves the villains standing still and firing lasers wildly into the air while the heroes dodge all of their bullets and hide behind strategically placed crates, but you know what? They're firing guns in a cartoon in a time where they had draconian measures preventing this very thing from making it onto the air in order to protect the children. That alone should be admired. <br />
<br />
You also gotta admire how the rest of the villains just sort of emerge out of this random house regardless of how little it makes sense (last I checked, Vipra was on the other side of town) in order to join in on the action sequence. Everyone has to be accounted for, after all! Save for Sandstorm, because he sucks.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMDeZAxoZOD8U34sBwSBVSKiAEsX5z3zEwvGKp3xPleoeygFZWqmBFM0_kFUuB8H3I5ddZaJM_OfhCMGNTeQDHZGoAgF4Be1fMQ9bkKTJcG8Cjfkk1VspkP3nQEzR8krFXWGU8TeZ6F3A/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMDeZAxoZOD8U34sBwSBVSKiAEsX5z3zEwvGKp3xPleoeygFZWqmBFM0_kFUuB8H3I5ddZaJM_OfhCMGNTeQDHZGoAgF4Be1fMQ9bkKTJcG8Cjfkk1VspkP3nQEzR8krFXWGU8TeZ6F3A/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMJceMfJSipLoKMla9f1Fmm1sxetyukgyYPFTTg3-AFxKHERMTGSNMwQ3tfeMiQAutgsMlBj1ajAEUz_K8bgKeK1SN2y1PaA4UjuhH0EE9On1g2GBIF2Dp15obVAbTHeUItfvRioqUxWo/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMJceMfJSipLoKMla9f1Fmm1sxetyukgyYPFTTg3-AFxKHERMTGSNMwQ3tfeMiQAutgsMlBj1ajAEUz_K8bgKeK1SN2y1PaA4UjuhH0EE9On1g2GBIF2Dp15obVAbTHeUItfvRioqUxWo/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Weirdest poses for a shootout <i>ever</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In case you wonder if having larger numbers is going to help in any way, Thunderstick, Vipra, and Cactushead are quickly disposed of by the horse wielding his bigass gun and shooting it in a way that causes an entire roof and part of a second floor to collapse on them. Hell yeah! I love it when law enforcers cause wanton property damage! <br />
<br />
I have to wonder how this <i>didn't</i> kill them and how they were able to appear in the next episode perfectly unscathed. Look at that rubble. Those three are goners. Cactushead and Thunderstick might be able to be repaired at least, but it looks like Tex Hex's going to have to hold auditions for a new evil female villain to replace Vipra. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQA2RQA1INocIhvVTh8FWEdz38KxvEd32zcoCB2vJhAEai2sdSexoeJF17lOrlf61wRGEN6hUFBW58GSDKstFtAc79Zhaj-BqT55JlQQxUbH8oRhQvY_9N6BwqXzqFr1sa9gAn1q4fnds/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQA2RQA1INocIhvVTh8FWEdz38KxvEd32zcoCB2vJhAEai2sdSexoeJF17lOrlf61wRGEN6hUFBW58GSDKstFtAc79Zhaj-BqT55JlQQxUbH8oRhQvY_9N6BwqXzqFr1sa9gAn1q4fnds/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbp98JYJTuSfn_nJ5tBBSir1DwcAdvLCPUgMp3jgHVbenvnRJzc2GCJpg65gliKETGodpzefANnA8BG1XbeXDllIFlWLAzDY2p-WxdeEPz_JTCCZg2B4Becv8K6WKxBempi1i4qjNdPeM/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbp98JYJTuSfn_nJ5tBBSir1DwcAdvLCPUgMp3jgHVbenvnRJzc2GCJpg65gliKETGodpzefANnA8BG1XbeXDllIFlWLAzDY2p-WxdeEPz_JTCCZg2B4Becv8K6WKxBempi1i4qjNdPeM/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't know about you, but it's totally possible to survive this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As his various minions are being crushed to death by fallen rubble, Tex Hex sees Scuzz chasing after Wuzzela, gets really pissed off, and decides that he's going to have to take care of the walls himself. A man of action, that Tex Hex. Even though he always stands like he's posing for a jeans ad.<br />
<br />
I have to wonder what Tex Hex thought when he saw his prairie person run out of the office yelling at a female of his species and saying that she just got him in big trouble. No wait, scratch that. I know <i>exactly</i> what he thought. Bros before hos, Scuzz!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvEtu4GdwHbxvR2DzPCjFJalsxWfutS33JSSRaMKuwy0RZ4Nf10MmZoel6stYvF366Vhr-G2NvhWvrqIrIDB-k0Gb9jTQDv26q7XXg32Fmh_M52RjZQKQoVGEhUtWiK42gKqPd1_N-K4M/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvEtu4GdwHbxvR2DzPCjFJalsxWfutS33JSSRaMKuwy0RZ4Nf10MmZoel6stYvF366Vhr-G2NvhWvrqIrIDB-k0Gb9jTQDv26q7XXg32Fmh_M52RjZQKQoVGEhUtWiK42gKqPd1_N-K4M/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wires, pipes, and random floor and wall panels? It must be <i>the future</i>!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So he shoots the switch to Fort Kerium's town walls with his gun, which somehow causes the town walls to go haywire. Well now. <i>That's</i> a weird design flaw. That's like if I accidentally broke one of the buttons on my laptop and it caused the entire computer to explode. You'd think the entire city's defense system would have more safety mechanisms to keep this very thing from happening or something, being the only thing keeping Fort Kerium from the various supernatural threats in this series...<br />
<br />
And, of course, the moment we have a situation where giant several ton walls are about ready to crush anything in their way, someone (preferably a female love interest) has to be a dumbass and get their foot stuck. Man, Wuzzela. You were doing so good in this episode too and you had to resort to being a damsel in distress!<br />
<br />
So Wuzzela's roles in this episode was to be in love with one person, seduce another person, and get in harm's way. Progressive!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4eBenuK-BAFk7yzaWAVi037nea55pK5eTv5QDXkvR1uwBOemTe5KJVTs2UtM6CQ89zY1zY62fWdCdYpRPBQTYUKMgShaTo8yjmoJfAIYM4QVMOxlZmmh-d-Za_L7DnM6xiYnKUpwa5W0/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4eBenuK-BAFk7yzaWAVi037nea55pK5eTv5QDXkvR1uwBOemTe5KJVTs2UtM6CQ89zY1zY62fWdCdYpRPBQTYUKMgShaTo8yjmoJfAIYM4QVMOxlZmmh-d-Za_L7DnM6xiYnKUpwa5W0/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wonder if she could seduce the walls and keep them from crushing her.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And, in case Scuzz wasn't already awesome in this episode, his response to seeing Wuzzela pleading in terror for someone to help her before she's crushed into oozy red gore by the closing walls is to look sad for a couple moments, like he remembers all the nice things she said to him back in the Marshall's office, and look like he's about ready to help because she was the only person in the entire world to show him true kindness...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsJ52txQJq8Pz_v1OWiPqeuz3JChCFnyCrGOP0FGB2oMvhQmi6u9R7lmU87SRvb1KsWzhIPY6tqZEoOQs4-AhpzohDbkfpqNIy73kyk0SNDtI3AZgBB78mV5eoebmzdZLj6g3b07qIrKY/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsJ52txQJq8Pz_v1OWiPqeuz3JChCFnyCrGOP0FGB2oMvhQmi6u9R7lmU87SRvb1KsWzhIPY6tqZEoOQs4-AhpzohDbkfpqNIy73kyk0SNDtI3AZgBB78mV5eoebmzdZLj6g3b07qIrKY/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
...only for him to then change his mind and start running in the other direction because he thinks he's going to get caught.<br />
<br />
Okay, somebody give this giant rat man a spin-off already. Scuzz's disgustingly awesome talents must be acknowledged. It shall be called "Scuzz: The Animated Series" and it can be sponsored by Marlboro.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM5BqxDNwt2iQNQYqIqddUD_x2JYSY-gDXPzquf1hzr-kIGNg99JFPIxC6hXk-1sHGyoisIRVDaqptIjb2amo_DYfw9vq6yJKPKF7Hs2Gk9i3n8LtbsFG9qlDtXX5n2WJ83VMSN00g7E4/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM5BqxDNwt2iQNQYqIqddUD_x2JYSY-gDXPzquf1hzr-kIGNg99JFPIxC6hXk-1sHGyoisIRVDaqptIjb2amo_DYfw9vq6yJKPKF7Hs2Gk9i3n8LtbsFG9qlDtXX5n2WJ83VMSN00g7E4/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then he trips and accidentally blinds his left eye with that cigar.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Like Scuzz, Tex Hex knows that he's been beat and decides to pussy out too. Only he tries to do it with a little bit more dignity by dramatically pointing his finger and yelling that, while they may have won, their town walls will never keep him out again! Oh, that Tex Hex. Trying to spin a paralyzing loss with a death count into a victory, that wily desperado.<br />
<br />
Uh, Tex Hex? Hate to break it to you, but if they can build the town walls in less than a day (this was even a major plot point in the feature film) with the help of mole creatures that are advanced at engineering, I'm pretty sure they kept the blueprints and can fix anything you and your men have caused. Hell, Thirty-Thirty caused more structural damage today. You have no room to talk.<br />
<br />
And watch as this little scene goes completely ignored for the rest of the series because it turns out the walls <i>do</i> get fixed, making Tex Hex look like a bit of a dumbass here. But hey, this scene is good for something; it helps me realize that Tex Hex has a butt chin.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO-h_6gsYq9Y8ZgLgHCGh7gUWJQct387HWfyLPG19q1OohDhIGBPPvyL6YzQtTnwJIzTfVMfHM5D9s27H7RW8oOt4M2hTv3rZk67OEA_aCCQZjFnz6cy0OURx7xvTVHYr_1GV33Q855NM/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO-h_6gsYq9Y8ZgLgHCGh7gUWJQct387HWfyLPG19q1OohDhIGBPPvyL6YzQtTnwJIzTfVMfHM5D9s27H7RW8oOt4M2hTv3rZk67OEA_aCCQZjFnz6cy0OURx7xvTVHYr_1GV33Q855NM/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Pull my finger!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Then he turns into a giant cloud of smoke and teleports like a pansy, leaving three of his minions underneath several tons of rock and leaving another minion to run around in a nicotine-fueled panic until he has three heart attacks and collapses in the streets. Wouldn't expect anything less from the main villain, but this<i> </i>is<i> still</i> a real dick move to pull.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_ORht53eOHPx489WATxAXQlaDJ62BbTolHjcyLC0URHwI1pFzRr3HVJhU2ENV0-XHEkypOGn0LFY-_6g3QBFnDc8QhPzsuRwyssi9Xr6LmZBVZlvEU5MoSI_zt317kpa8wMremHeMdUk/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_ORht53eOHPx489WATxAXQlaDJ62BbTolHjcyLC0URHwI1pFzRr3HVJhU2ENV0-XHEkypOGn0LFY-_6g3QBFnDc8QhPzsuRwyssi9Xr6LmZBVZlvEU5MoSI_zt317kpa8wMremHeMdUk/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So...why doesn't he just teleport into Fort Kerium's bank and steal all the kerium?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But then, Bravestarr sees Wuzzela in trouble so he...does this to summon his Speed of the Puma.<br />
<br />
...I have no words.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbbyfNrYMsSs7YOlfuBwVI5mBdnWCGYvQjvU8gj7OKte7I5GBfgMG8GiKN7yXyqrD6CLnSb6gMb2sdWdU8Kb8a5ipi66wfUbp3NIUBNCjdUMP73G_P50N0R3xUcpb9uaqFQrzb_GBNCQk/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbbyfNrYMsSs7YOlfuBwVI5mBdnWCGYvQjvU8gj7OKte7I5GBfgMG8GiKN7yXyqrD6CLnSb6gMb2sdWdU8Kb8a5ipi66wfUbp3NIUBNCjdUMP73G_P50N0R3xUcpb9uaqFQrzb_GBNCQk/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm beginning to see why this show never caught on.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Then Bravestarr decides to top awkward with even more awkward as he holds the door open with Strength of the Bear (aka the power that gets used at least once an episode) while Wuzzela stares at his huge package and Bravestarr's well-defined ass just barely hidden by his skintight clothing dominates a large portion of the screen as he grunts loudly and heavily. I feel so dirty watching this. It's like the people behind this show were having a bet to see just how much they can get away with before the moral guardians grew wise to their shenanigans and ordered several episodes to be censored. <br />
<br />
Well, the joke's on them! No one watched this show!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-pPM6sku8T5pWjVvsdvF6_W3fb-X07XgbwSJQtNH2Xwu3J_Grk1Z19f-DW9MSgUHLE6sLzZ8srZDgvBUoCmPpFEAENHB_zqhc7GOgBD3r8v8Ibm1xRt7Q6eNdClcgHwM__268ZYaRBLE/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-pPM6sku8T5pWjVvsdvF6_W3fb-X07XgbwSJQtNH2Xwu3J_Grk1Z19f-DW9MSgUHLE6sLzZ8srZDgvBUoCmPpFEAENHB_zqhc7GOgBD3r8v8Ibm1xRt7Q6eNdClcgHwM__268ZYaRBLE/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken12.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLy-aEsOhMCgTTkuANmCEse5pGy51U9JVaeTfpYvXob8D8Et5MerJBqq9wvdSA_k0teOOZIdgh0gsdbRXZmcA8gjj1hjCixtj43oOUzmFaRtKlgYgH8qH9IBxCl9ta9V6GFu1Q-Du055c/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLy-aEsOhMCgTTkuANmCEse5pGy51U9JVaeTfpYvXob8D8Et5MerJBqq9wvdSA_k0teOOZIdgh0gsdbRXZmcA8gjj1hjCixtj43oOUzmFaRtKlgYgH8qH9IBxCl9ta9V6GFu1Q-Du055c/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love this show.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So, they really have to get Wuzzela free because Strength of the Bear can only last for so long. Luckily, Deputy Fuzz and his weird Charlie Adler voice is there to the rescue! <br />
<br />
But what can he do? He doesn't have a gun, mystical Native American powers, or a welding torch. Well, whatever it is, I'm willing to bet it's going to be something as goofy and as silly as that paper cup attached to a string from earlier.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghbtLZJNt2JYSeamNrwk9jxgafbBnnS_sATmdYNLYWGPMBgVdtMFnVIHAF4DcDhyphenhyphen6rKT0OyDmCFVxq3bQYrZ4YTpn3YAcla06XA_QDdO9wt1yXcjmYrl5U9ZQyp-ZlfnSbWJz04Pchyphenhyphenj0/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghbtLZJNt2JYSeamNrwk9jxgafbBnnS_sATmdYNLYWGPMBgVdtMFnVIHAF4DcDhyphenhyphen6rKT0OyDmCFVxq3bQYrZ4YTpn3YAcla06XA_QDdO9wt1yXcjmYrl5U9ZQyp-ZlfnSbWJz04Pchyphenhyphenj0/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the most awkward episode climax ever.</td></tr>
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But don't worry! Fuzz saves the day <i>by biting things</i>! <br />
<br />
...this is how our episode ends, people. By watching a small rodent-like man smash his giant oversized tooth into a sheet of metal until it cracks. This is treated like an amazing act of heroism while singlehandedly defeating three outlaws is pretty much ignored. Not sure why they had to end the shooting scene early in order to work this in, but then again, I don't get paid to write scripts so what the hell do I know?<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Wait, prairie people can eat through solid metal? New Texas has the same pest problem <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-feqWDIlVkiI/Tk6eQbgdzJI/AAAAAAAAA0Y/bY3EK9jztn4/s1600/felix19.jpg">Oriana does</a>! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy4cm4RQCRqC1C6rFgHdVs_7ydgzryoU6sehtolvQFKPwMeyvI93fnG3mVOnaIOuRhqI4Y43ZM71DKzRTB-FwZsH7nH6CLm2OjVG9nmue9fGKMILQ0T-loblYCI2GNbDlg31ryqkF6WEk/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy4cm4RQCRqC1C6rFgHdVs_7ydgzryoU6sehtolvQFKPwMeyvI93fnG3mVOnaIOuRhqI4Y43ZM71DKzRTB-FwZsH7nH6CLm2OjVG9nmue9fGKMILQ0T-loblYCI2GNbDlg31ryqkF6WEk/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't worry. He has great dental insurance.</td></tr>
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So everything is wrapped up, everyone is thanking everyone else, the town remains totally deserted even though the villains no longer have control over Fort Kerium (and because the budget's not big enough for a crowd scene), the sky is still that weird shade of pink, the day seems to be totally saved, and the town can once again return to peaceful normality while Fuzz and Wuzzela share a touching kiss. It's like everyone forgot about those three corpses underneath the rubble that used to be the bank. I feel warm and fuzzy just thinking about it!<br />
<br />
...<i>and where the hell did Scuzz go</i>? Don't tell me Fort Kerium's law enforcement couldn't even stop and arrest an overweight, wheezing rodent man for the bank robbery and he got off totally scot free for this episode.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaYywPcVmpwCClryoQ-AW7RtEGIgQLzmbjeJkLs8hfsxbpXa8UaElQCB-6SeaL6s29XimxMtPzERnZfUdPm14XcsAhhTpWg7utEnGxc8LwLZNxy0GOwTVU7gcg2LO4L9QT3lE9ypIR6S0/s1600/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaYywPcVmpwCClryoQ-AW7RtEGIgQLzmbjeJkLs8hfsxbpXa8UaElQCB-6SeaL6s29XimxMtPzERnZfUdPm14XcsAhhTpWg7utEnGxc8LwLZNxy0GOwTVU7gcg2LO4L9QT3lE9ypIR6S0/s320/bravestarrdaythetownwastaken16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Uh, Wuzzela? Why do your clothes smell like tobacco?"</td></tr>
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But wait! Before you get to view the credits with the really amazing instrumentals (forgot to mention it, but the music in this show kicks ass), Bravestarr has a moral for you little brats sitting in front of the TV! It's time for the episode to segway into some stock footage of Bravestarr and Thirty-Thirty standing in front of the Marshall's office while cycling through different mouth animations to communicate a decent life lesson. Hell yes, this show has a moral segment I can laugh at. I love the 80's.<br />
<br />
The moral of the episode? Don't judge someone by how big or small they are. So you better quit it with the midget jokes, you assholes. <br />
<br />
I...really can't make fun of the moral otherwise. Unlike lesser shows like He-Man or Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, it's like the writers knew that there were jaded cynics in the audience that would pick apart any moral they could throw at them so they tried to make them as watertight as physically possible. While everyone can recite the "That's no good!" Sonic moral by heart, I have yet to run into a Bravestarr moral that couldn't be misconstrued for the lulz. Way to ruin my fun, guys. <br />
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<br />
And that was Bravestarr, the last show Filmation ever made before some French company run by complete douches decided to shut the company down. Is it a hidden gem of kerium ore, or is it nothing more than a pile of cybernetic horse crap? Unfortunately, not enough people actually watched this show, so I guess the common consensus for this show is "Huh, this existed? What?". <br />
<br />
<br />
<hr />
<span style="color: black;"><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Little people can be just as important as big people, especially when they use the power of seduction in order to trick cigar-chomping toadies into letting their guard down.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
<u>The Good</u><br />
*A lot of the heroes are really fun to watch and I can honestly say that I don't hate any of the heroes. Fuzz (if he doesn't get on your nerves, that is) and Thirty-Thirty in particular are decent protagonists in this episode. <br />
*The villains. The good villains definitely outnumber the bad villains. Shout outs for this episode in particular go to Tex Hex and Scuzz, who both get incredibly funny scenes. <br />
*The "Scuzz Seduction" scene is pure gold. It's creepy, but gold.<br />
*Tex Hex was obviously having a blast in this entire episode and I love a villain with that much enthusiasm. <br />
*The villains showed some intelligence and their evil villain scheme actually showed that they realize what they're up against and they planned accordingly. Tex Hex is not only evil, but he's also smart and knows how to use all of his minions to the fullest. <br />*The Marshall had to actually think in order to solve his problems as opposed to spamming his various animal abilities like in some episodes.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Bad</u><br />
*</span><span style="color: black;">Sorry, Marshall, but we don't take kindly to stock footage 'round these here parts. <br />
*Sandstorm was in this and he had a line.<br />
*The prairie people made up a huge chunk of this episode, so if you dislike characters who can't speak English properly and exist to be cute, you're going to be slightly irritated.<br />
*The climax kind of drags after a while, and went from really cool (the gunfight) to really silly (Fuzz saving the day with his teeth) pretty fast.<br />
*Bravestarr as a character is pretty indistinct. It's good that he surrounds himself in characters more interesting than him, but this is still a pretty big flaw for the show.<br />
*Bravestarr is a little overpowered. This is more an issue with the show itself than this episode in particular, but we have a character that can shoot a gun, can run really fast, has Strength of the Bear, and all these other abilities. It's like, geez, man. Save some for your other allies!<br />
*No one addressed what happened to Thunderstick, Vipra, and Cactushead after the roof caved in on them and that bugs the hell out of me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Final Decision</u><br />
This may cause some people to be angry with me, but Bravestarr seems to have a lot more dignity in the writing than He-Man. <br />
<br />
I feel this is one of those shows that is what I call "unfairly obscure". As in, it had the makings of a hit TV series and was even made by a popular company, but circumstances beyond its control (the major crap ups that so many different companies made in terms of handling Bravestarr are enough to write a documentary) caused it to be buried in the sands of time. <br />
<br />
And, I'll be honest. This show doesn't deserve to be forgotten. In fact, I feel it's one of the pinnacle examples of what Filmation could do despite their thin budgets. It has stock footage, it reuses animation and character models and set pieces, and it has tacked-on morals at the end of each episode, but the show makes up for its low budget by having a good story, good writing, and good characters. These characters take really goofy premises and take them seriously while at the same time leaving room to have fun. It's a great ending chapter to Filmation's legacy. <br />
<br />
As for this episode, I consider it a good "starter" episode. As in, it's an episode that's incredibly good to watch if you have no idea what the hell Bravestarr is and you want to watch something to get a feel for the characters in this show. </span><span style="color: black;">In this episode, they made sure practically everyone had a scene and everyone had their moments. Tex Hex has a great plan, several of his key minions have scenes of their own, and Bravestarr uses his wits and the power of his friends and teamwork to save the day.<br />
<br />
My advice? If you like He-Man, chances are you'll probably like this. Even if you're a little hesitant about watching something with slightly stiff animation combined with stock footage, some rotoscoping, and some reused animation, it still wouldn't hurt to give this show a try, if only to impress your friends with your knowledge on old shows.<br />
<br />
Just, take my advice. Don't look up the Bravestarr on eBay. You <i>will </i>have nightmares.<br />
<br />
</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYzjKKiY83dl1HHgdrLjPj4xTD7E2nYIlQ1GRzqndjuVhIrNcr87_u27S2XRIRcVFivLw5BbyU784U5iQnpdjDBC4f7yLmtDCCMZFYtCSYXq88V3xOPqCxclZHPgAiW9wAByw4jWNaYSo/s1600/CreepyBravestarrmerch.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYzjKKiY83dl1HHgdrLjPj4xTD7E2nYIlQ1GRzqndjuVhIrNcr87_u27S2XRIRcVFivLw5BbyU784U5iQnpdjDBC4f7yLmtDCCMZFYtCSYXq88V3xOPqCxclZHPgAiW9wAByw4jWNaYSo/s320/CreepyBravestarrmerch.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For only 40 dollars, you<i> too </i>can own this eyeless decapitated visage of Bravestarr!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">Don't say I didn't warn you.<br />
</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-43699071412560258372012-03-31T11:28:00.954-07:002012-04-06T19:17:01.688-07:00The Wuzzles - Crock Around the ClockAnother Wuzzles post? And so soon after the last one?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTCz0wuI6TkNvITqrskUbB63UKVxxPQMCpyvOlNzhJVf8P8kv-PjUY49DRSMu11TkQ0IXJzF4iToaE1zzi3At5lYWvG2URp1iY1L9Zw_iBDM1yavG1J0L-7tFE5GX3ROdDcs_kIJVj40s/s1600/The_Wuzzles.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTCz0wuI6TkNvITqrskUbB63UKVxxPQMCpyvOlNzhJVf8P8kv-PjUY49DRSMu11TkQ0IXJzF4iToaE1zzi3At5lYWvG2URp1iY1L9Zw_iBDM1yavG1J0L-7tFE5GX3ROdDcs_kIJVj40s/s400/The_Wuzzles.PNG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Wuzzles" sounds vaguely like the name of a STD.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Well, I'll be honest. Bulls of a Feather was incredibly fun to watch, incredibly fun to talk about, and just a fun, fun thing to experience for the whole family. It was one of my funner posts to write and therefore I believe in the phenomenon of lightning striking twice and figure I can do the same thing again. <br />
<br />
Therefore, I decided, what's a better way to talk about this show again than to talk about an episode that focuses on my favorite characters in the show. In this show's case, I happened to really like those ineffective hobos that are somehow considered a threat to the Land of Wuz; Crock, Frizard, and Brat. <br />
<br />
Now, you might be thinking, with a show that only lasted 13 episodes, there can't possibly be an episode that focuses on the villains. Well, if you thought that, then you're obviously wrong, for not only did I find an episode with "Crock" in the name, and not only was it heavily Crock-essentric, but it's also the most deranged, the most depraved piece of animation I've ever seen bear the Disney name. I don't want to give anything away in this episode, but let's just say that plot points appear that seem so random that it almost feels like I've accidentally tuned into Cartoon Network by mistake. Hold onto your comically oversized sailor's caps, because there's no turning back from...<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Crock Around the Clock</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9g3tja-uI5vF1oikoH-Eji7H7qwIZWYuBBx01z57w-3BFhWwxjOFJhUZbyi29n0WKFTqPYvG1zj_JRov3NQnQI_EDidhA3Yic_HyhnhYCLkghztJrpTe74ZERE2o5DZuv41GNWEWwT0A/s1600/wuzzlescrock.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9g3tja-uI5vF1oikoH-Eji7H7qwIZWYuBBx01z57w-3BFhWwxjOFJhUZbyi29n0WKFTqPYvG1zj_JRov3NQnQI_EDidhA3Yic_HyhnhYCLkghztJrpTe74ZERE2o5DZuv41GNWEWwT0A/s400/wuzzlescrock.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><b><br />
Airdate:</b> October 5, 1985 </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: red;">Online Only</span></div><br />
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<br />
When we enter this episode, one that promises us many delights coming out of an overweight dinosaur in a sailor's cap, who else but the ever delightful, ever bored narrator leads us in. Words cannot describe how much I love this guy. Sounding like he's just one step away from putting a bullet in his brain, his voice doesn't change in tone no matter what he's narrating. And while that would sound like an example of bad voice-acting in any other cartoon, it just makes whatever exciting events that happen on screen that much funnier. <br />
<br />
...or maybe I just have a sick sense of humor and like how a dangerous tropical storm is approaching the Land of Wuz, one so dangerous that all the Wuzzles are taking action and boarding up their homes, and all the narrator can manage is the same amount of interest I have in documentaries on the stock exchange in the Netherlands. There's something to love about a show where the narrator doesn't give a crap whether the main characters live or die.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXapD0KYDRd5989sRwBV3GvmPXZEGQe_0LY9xDJul4v6FGaH3upl3D9Lb9jHx6KKB3jahRKHnOohsqTay7BmiO_q8I7WewXt9Jhq8m7cljBpP4F1eCQjG53P0Vr_KXdZHdrshjTSM_5dI/s1600/wuzzlescrock1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXapD0KYDRd5989sRwBV3GvmPXZEGQe_0LY9xDJul4v6FGaH3upl3D9Lb9jHx6KKB3jahRKHnOohsqTay7BmiO_q8I7WewXt9Jhq8m7cljBpP4F1eCQjG53P0Vr_KXdZHdrshjTSM_5dI/s320/wuzzlescrock1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meh. Flooding and heavy rainfall. I'm sure the Wuzzles can survive this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This scene also helps to properly introduce more of the Wuzzles' houses, because we have to see how each of our main characters deal with the weather. Since Wuzzles are afraid of doing anything that can't be seen as marketable or whimsical, everyone's house is either some bizarre indication of their personalities or is made out of items that are related to the animals they're mutant hybrids of. For example, Bumblelion lives in what else but a giant bee hive, Rhinokey lives in a tree with a giant banana, and Moosel lives in a lighthouse with moose antlers glued to the roof. It doesn't make any sense, and most of the structures look radically unsafe (I'm pretty sure a strong wind could knock Rhinokey's house over) but you better believe their houses would've made great play sets had this show actually lasted more than one season. <br />
<br />
However, this scene is quickly and utterly ruined when the cartoon gives Rhinokey, aka the worst Wuzzle on the show, way too much screen time. Turns out he deals with the "change" in the weather by making really horrible jokes about dimes and nickels to himself and then laughing at his own puns. By the time he said "I prefer applause, but thunderclapping will do" as if his jokes deserve an audience, I was praying for a bolt of lightning to strike that building and kill this horrible abomination. Rhinokey can go to hell.<br />
<br />
Although now I'm kind of wondering where one would get a giant fiberglass banana sturdy enough to support a roof. Even though I just expressed dislike over this character, I would love to see him shopping at Home Depot.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCfqsTxZ6LFgGYP_gGFY8ZDmvFtAndTq7pWn7ECBracnhhvPHSjeu6JXMQSImmgCkHnr49FoQws179ovZxt12l7oyJUvCQmQlLBsuapAEry8Bm7kQXRynoT-cOX7q0RbOY5NTMJR8hyZg/s1600/wuzzlescrock2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCfqsTxZ6LFgGYP_gGFY8ZDmvFtAndTq7pWn7ECBracnhhvPHSjeu6JXMQSImmgCkHnr49FoQws179ovZxt12l7oyJUvCQmQlLBsuapAEry8Bm7kQXRynoT-cOX7q0RbOY5NTMJR8hyZg/s320/wuzzlescrock2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey guys! I thought of this great joke involving a man from Nantucket!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After seeing three more of the main Wuzzles, the audience learns that it's not just any storm, but it's a tropical fruit storm, where instead of raining water like the rest of the more mundane world, it rains fruit and droplets of fruit juice. Looks like the whole "two things in one" that occurs in the Land of Wuz is so powerful that it affects the island's weather patterns. As for me, I'm not going to dwell on fruit rain for that long or how fruit rain would even form in clouds, because it's too early in the day to start drinking. I just hope none of the fruits that rain down aren't crossed with durians or coconuts, for the sake of the children watching this and not wanting to see any cute, cuddly animals getting their brains bashed in. The exception of course being if Rhinokey was hit and killed with one, of course, because anyone could appreciate that.<br />
<br />
While I dwell on this little plot development for too long, we then cut to Crock, whose level of not giving a crap is so astronomical that I instantly declared this Wuzzle a saint. Look at this badass, just sleeping in his hammock on the roof of his houseboat when it's about to shower lethal fruits upon the world. He doesn't care that he doesn't have an income, has to eat magazines to satiate his starving innards, and is hated by every inhabitant on the island.<i> That's</i> how awesome Crock is. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1kr5y8IjjpkGqrdo_eQ-Dfgu5W0VAmAFvSoZ5V1e0ygYzDlxcKj47sE_b_kNjV-agqqiYCjOJ46rXgark9BMQd_d83U6efWYRoojiU9VMI0rNwNzCDTgwCJiFu97O6fP7gGyHfC3RwbA/s1600/wuzzlescrock3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1kr5y8IjjpkGqrdo_eQ-Dfgu5W0VAmAFvSoZ5V1e0ygYzDlxcKj47sE_b_kNjV-agqqiYCjOJ46rXgark9BMQd_d83U6efWYRoojiU9VMI0rNwNzCDTgwCJiFu97O6fP7gGyHfC3RwbA/s320/wuzzlescrock3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Haters gonna hate!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, Brat and Frizard, ugly little stogies that they are, are fixing the roof for the upcoming storm, because they care more about safety than their boss. Don't ask me where they got the working hammer, the nails, and the pieces of wood if they're totally broke. Such logic will not stand in the way of the world's zillionth "Person A hits Person B's finger with a hammer while doing home improvement" gag!<br />
<br />
When the sad, ugly monstrosities inform their lord and master of what the hell they're actually doing, this causes Crock to scoff and swear "bullfinch feathers" at their fears of the house suffering any damage. Hey, <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2012/01/wuzzles-bulls-of-feather.html">a reference to the first episode</a>! That better have been intentional.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyyykR-qiXQb7HczOdfLFaBT7EqCCMYP1Na2cf3C1UKNddHeMrkKcGDFuI_QlSx6DPfDdqLif4Nrm896lWOJHrWaLpIM3RVgIlG2Z9RMDXyc-u49j5soWBPfygrE7vp5qChWW7Kc-ME_M/s1600/wuzzlescrock4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyyykR-qiXQb7HczOdfLFaBT7EqCCMYP1Na2cf3C1UKNddHeMrkKcGDFuI_QlSx6DPfDdqLif4Nrm896lWOJHrWaLpIM3RVgIlG2Z9RMDXyc-u49j5soWBPfygrE7vp5qChWW7Kc-ME_M/s320/wuzzlescrock4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They're just glum because they know they'll never be remembered after this series is over.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Crock, always loving a chance to inject more physical comedy into this production, then tempts fate by saying the house boat's as sturdy as his hammock. This honest to god causes <i>a lightning bolt</i> to strike him, which both destroys his hammock and causes horrible third degree burns and scarring. I'm not sure why this was <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Zi4HIYsNgS8/TivK2YVmlJI/AAAAAAAAAO0/U8TOc2GgT3Q/s320/Heathcliff15.jpg">such a frequent gag in the 80's</a>. Was God just in a smiting mood that decade? <br />
<br />
...wait. Where did Crock even get the hammock if he's impoverished?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5O035E-eRcT5102MMstDtHxN7lYkY8joXbxaHmoei1p1ZtHnxlp7rgsBdRZbIzROhyphenhyphenX7DQeSDgeVb46JBucdpeazjBj5L1ih0a1eUK5_Z5d5IxaxOYDtRkHmdLRl5IJJq95pDsqj3Xqs/s1600/wuzzlescrock5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5O035E-eRcT5102MMstDtHxN7lYkY8joXbxaHmoei1p1ZtHnxlp7rgsBdRZbIzROhyphenhyphenX7DQeSDgeVb46JBucdpeazjBj5L1ih0a1eUK5_Z5d5IxaxOYDtRkHmdLRl5IJJq95pDsqj3Xqs/s320/wuzzlescrock5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">While I thank you for answering my prayers, Rhinokey's house is that way.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Instead of killing him, this merely pisses Crock off, so he decides on a whim that he's going to the store. It's there that Butterbear (who looks kind of odd standing in the store completely naked when the store owner has a shirt and pants) is making preparations for the storm by buying enough food to last for several months. Okay. Either the fruit storms really do last that long or Butterbear got inspiration after watching an episode of Extreme Couponing. I bet every last one of those canned foods had some cutesy Wuzzletastic name like Spaghetticini or pizzaburgers too. <br />
<br />
I'm also kind of curious about the currency they use in The Land of Wuz. Rhinokey mentioned nickels and dimes so they're obviously familiar with American money. What's the current exchange rate? How good is their economy if they're essentially confined to a small island chain? And how the hell do most of the Wuzzles have money if Rhinokey is the only one shown to have a stable job?<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMjJaM_B0ccH-TRbFZbl9N9MgBXpEsixgQOUfAd827vOLBJPXfwrlFsEy_kZu4vQCwiot5nsiub1ZZj5IrRRhpz25UUREYd1c5he4k3Bt3BCBVssFcoMdJLJez3ezs901GJdHpHzvEbAg/s1600/wuzzlescrock6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMjJaM_B0ccH-TRbFZbl9N9MgBXpEsixgQOUfAd827vOLBJPXfwrlFsEy_kZu4vQCwiot5nsiub1ZZj5IrRRhpz25UUREYd1c5he4k3Bt3BCBVssFcoMdJLJez3ezs901GJdHpHzvEbAg/s320/wuzzlescrock6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey, Butterbear. Maybe you can save some food for the rest of the villagers.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That's when we see what Crock is doing. Turns out when he said he was going to the store, he <i>really</i> meant that he going to the back of the store so that he can dig through the trash cans outside. Because everyone knows that crippling poverty is hilarious! <br />
<br />
Maybe <i>this</i> is why Disney has never tried to remake this show, especially in this economy. I can just picture a board meeting where all of the executives kind of avoid glances and titter nervously when the topic of the evil homeless people that can't afford anything because they're too lazy to work harder comes up.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxtrySIt1H6W4x9AUAol40N7J3NuORsAw-PZNscw7nZwg7KUXqyf5FzoH3AxrrF8mzVeSSsaW4vcOTI-UTXK8_NcgYxBfJ3f2U6jCDgP9o-7rxCTYuwXhxctwp3WhV5yDwbPW146idXM4/s1600/wuzzlescrock7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxtrySIt1H6W4x9AUAol40N7J3NuORsAw-PZNscw7nZwg7KUXqyf5FzoH3AxrrF8mzVeSSsaW4vcOTI-UTXK8_NcgYxBfJ3f2U6jCDgP9o-7rxCTYuwXhxctwp3WhV5yDwbPW146idXM4/s320/wuzzlescrock7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, I knew I should've went to the dumpsters behind Fresh & Easy instead..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Right when he produces a hole-filled umbrella (one that probably smells like used tampons and rotten vegetables no less) out of the trash, he encounters Butterbear, who doesn't have the common sense not to get near crazy hobos. That's when he switches umbrellas. Now, instead of using the intelligence that got her through the last episode, the little ursine abomination sort of stands there, puts her hands on her furry little hybrid cheeks, and bemoans that her umbrella disappeared while Crock hands her the broken umbrella and acts like he's doing it out of the kindness of his heart. Since Butterbear has a bizarre inability to notice that Crock is suddenly hiding his tail behind his back, she falls for it. Crock needs to become a lawyer because his talents are obviously going to waste.<br />
<br />
And, as the icing on top of the giant cliche-filled cupcake that is this cartoon, after this scene is over, Crock later calls this his good "greed" for the day. <i>Get it?</i> Wuzzles sure love their puns. Too bad 80% of the time, the puns are coming out of Rhinokey's mouth, and Rhinokey's existence is the reason why I sometimes question the existence of a divine being. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhthyphenhyphenHWXREyb0YXQG0-eVI5aY18Pkwo6tyclh8A1LYSafxPiqeMTM1kHrXkGAQfTgPe8Z1GxO23w1ZVZkuUOipYFtUriTzPPnM_sPtL5rXqPEt1uxxD9RaWUIZAxYqN7WE3eO8NP8F27Xs/s1600/wuzzlescrock8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhthyphenhyphenHWXREyb0YXQG0-eVI5aY18Pkwo6tyclh8A1LYSafxPiqeMTM1kHrXkGAQfTgPe8Z1GxO23w1ZVZkuUOipYFtUriTzPPnM_sPtL5rXqPEt1uxxD9RaWUIZAxYqN7WE3eO8NP8F27Xs/s320/wuzzlescrock8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh no! My umbrella disappeared when I left it near this thieving hobo! What could have happened to it?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, by the way, since it rains fruit, the Wuzzle inhabitants use the storm to collect food. One of the nice things about this show was that it did realize that the strange exotic beasts in the Land of Wuz had to have different customs than us, on account of the whole "two times the fun, wrapped up and rolled into one" thing they had going on, so occasionally the main plot will stop for a moment and show us just how Wuzzles live their day-to-day lives. That's where the narrator comes in, in all of his deadpan "oh-god-I-wasted-my-performing-arts-BFA-for-this-stupid-dumbass-show" glory. Sure, most of the time, he's narrating something really stupid and mundane like <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TIFrRDpSHtM/TxIqnd_EjgI/AAAAAAAAD-A/Qe6Vmf6TSQ4/s320/wuzzles3.jpg">a Wuzzles picnic</a> (which is probably <i>why</i> he sounds so bored), but it was fascinating to see these pastel-colored stuffed animals making grandiose contraptions with tennis rackets and pulleys in order to scoop up the fruits that have miraculously fallen from the sky. It helps flesh out this strange world, even if they never explain how anyone's cars and windows can survive such a terrifying onslaught of produce for hours on end. <br />
<br />
By the way, are we supposed to find this delicious or disgusting? It rains water, but there's a pretty good reason why most people in America don't rush out in the middle of a storm and bottle that stuff up in their backyards. I understand the Wuzzles live on an island paradise, free from the disgusting influences of humanity, but if they have cars and grocery stores, then they obviously have airborne contaminants just like the rest of us.<br />
<br />
But who am I kidding? I'm secretly jealous at these fuzzy little monsters because my fresh produce doesn't rain down from the sky for free. That would make shopping so much easier.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1_PUAmpoAUj22ZfmWHQ62M1D4eD80LH-e0Pjk5e40l0pLfN4jbLC_5mu3g89Jq9iB-gT5jKs5IrFmAv6f6jdKTSBeRjKRU0-axFE2Whyphenhyphen9RB35YrQ0lTsgKJu2iZljsfbw1_i4kySRxlM/s1600/wuzzlescrock9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1_PUAmpoAUj22ZfmWHQ62M1D4eD80LH-e0Pjk5e40l0pLfN4jbLC_5mu3g89Jq9iB-gT5jKs5IrFmAv6f6jdKTSBeRjKRU0-axFE2Whyphenhyphen9RB35YrQ0lTsgKJu2iZljsfbw1_i4kySRxlM/s320/wuzzlescrock9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yum, look at all of that bottled up pollutants.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Of course, right after we see that the good, heroic, hard-working, pious, god-fearing Wuzzles work hard in order to take advantage of the strange fruit storms, we have to see that Crock doesn't do this, because it's never too early in the morning for Disney to rip off of Aesop's fables. You know, even though the first episode made a point to show that both him and his two flunkies frequently go for days without food and regularly eat garbage. Crock may be a lazy, cheating, lying, thieving sack of reptilian flesh with no positive character traits whatsoever, but that doesn't mean he can't use a little common sense. I'm sure even he can realize that fruit is more nutritious than magazines.<br />
<br />
And, because God hates the poor, right after we establish that Crock is lazy and thinks that his houseboat is the sturdiest squatter settlement known to Wuzzlekind, the roof caves in and showers the poor asshole with enough melons to bludgeon someone to death. Ah well, at least now they won't starve. Watch as Crock doesn't even bother with any of those fruits, because common sense and all that.<br />
<br />
Crock, still running on his tank of pure "not-giving-a-crap-onium" from the way he just takes total home destruction in stride, just stares up at the gaping hole in his roof and says that they sure don't make cardboard like they used to. That's some wooden-looking cardboard there, Crock. No wonder Frizard and Brat needed nails and a hammer to install that new cardboard tile. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw2Jp0ARIrhPLYigpSFu-1G3ZOy8yNA3W2FJjeg0xYpaxRXkZF0Rmtgz7Y2ievGceMTdp9pfCuJMdDycjwg-ve-3HG2e3Oh0wJsbMgtmUIlIaFa28Zgfb1bPjQiH_1nmcBpYnXKz_axok/s1600/wuzzlescrock10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw2Jp0ARIrhPLYigpSFu-1G3ZOy8yNA3W2FJjeg0xYpaxRXkZF0Rmtgz7Y2ievGceMTdp9pfCuJMdDycjwg-ve-3HG2e3Oh0wJsbMgtmUIlIaFa28Zgfb1bPjQiH_1nmcBpYnXKz_axok/s320/wuzzlescrock10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm just thankful that didn't kill me."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Like any good vagabond, Crock decides right then and there to start wandering the countryside to find a new place to squat in. With a cuddly pink umbrella too small to shield any part of his body in tow, he goes up to the house of a birddog, because we needed reminding that we're watching The Wuzzles, and essentially cons a more animalistic mutant (the birddog can't even speak) out of its wooden box of a house. Oh, the homeless; they'll sleep in anything, am I right? <br />
<br />
Let me just sum up what has happened to this fat dinosaur so far. He's been struck by lightning, the roof of his broken down shack of a house has caved in, he had to dig in the trash for both food and something to shelter him from the storm, he had to steal an umbrella from someone in order to protect himself from the elements, and now he's trying to live <i>in a doghouse</i>. Am I supposed to find this funny or tragic, cartoon? The most villainous thing Crock has done so far is steal an umbrella he's too poor to afford!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwQ-htVcwKH_0jI1gqo-AkEzpPVJiZhXxi3J_4YG3U-Bvk0yDSHG6Z98OYmfQ_wBMFo04BRKy6qF9Xi6x2xLJhO6zd2ofi65pw8RgUV0zVs1t3FTiXmDixG3Ws0sIwKqylft2SfNyNXzA/s1600/wuzzlescrock11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwQ-htVcwKH_0jI1gqo-AkEzpPVJiZhXxi3J_4YG3U-Bvk0yDSHG6Z98OYmfQ_wBMFo04BRKy6qF9Xi6x2xLJhO6zd2ofi65pw8RgUV0zVs1t3FTiXmDixG3Ws0sIwKqylft2SfNyNXzA/s320/wuzzlescrock11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So wait, how did the birddog build that house and afford all that wood in the first place...?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since nothing can ever go Crock's way, the birddog flies right back to his house, sees Crock's fat appendage of a tail sticking out of the doorway, and bites down in a way so that Crock bursts through the house in your typical "we're substituting actual good writing with physical comedy" way. Hey, way to go, birddog! You just destroyed the roof of your own house! Now you don't have any shelter either!<br />
<br />
Incidentally, birddog has to be the laziest combination <i>ever</i>. It's weird seeing one episode have animals that are part brahman bull and then just have one animal that some lazy interns slapped together at the last minute before this cartoon went into production. I can just picture some college graduate showing some hastily scribbled sketch and shouting "It's a bird with dog ears and a dog face! Dohohoho!" to the animators shortly before getting arrested for crimes against creativity.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkTnsxrW8POqv0CZj6uFqocdN27-x8eBHbkp5qi85YOkH7a8ciAHrtjaVSEAkGpLJdtfrzh47OZceApr03qZC1Bbq-F_6s8tucZAbV4OhPESo9atvCZs_WKBD1VGlvzVThp3JVAH7YpGs/s1600/wuzzlescrock12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkTnsxrW8POqv0CZj6uFqocdN27-x8eBHbkp5qi85YOkH7a8ciAHrtjaVSEAkGpLJdtfrzh47OZceApr03qZC1Bbq-F_6s8tucZAbV4OhPESo9atvCZs_WKBD1VGlvzVThp3JVAH7YpGs/s320/wuzzlescrock12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here's a question that no scientist can solve. Which of these characters has the laziest design?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, Crock has a Plan B, and, like all of his evil schemes, it involves a quick costume change even though the man doesn't normally wear clothes. In this episode, he uses ragged beggar's clothes to tug at Butterbear's heartstrings. He whimpers at her doorstep, he wrings his hands like he's trying to rub heat back into his frozen limbs, he uses the "I'm faking being miserable" tone that every Disney villain can adopt at will, he tries to act like he'll be no trouble at all, he acts like he's about ready to die from some tropical fruit disease, and he wins an Emmy for his efforts. Basically Crock makes it look like if Butterbear doesn't allow him to stay at her house, she'll look like a colossal dick who hates the poor. <br />
<br />
Funny thing is, save for the part where he caught pneumonia or whatever (he said some vaguely Wuzzle-ish name that I'm not even going to bother to remember), all of what he said is perfectly true. Everyone in the town knows that Crock lives in a derelict house, eats magazines and old tires, is probably illiterate, is infected with tapeworms, and has no money to afford anything. Apparently people will only feel sorry for him if he wears some rags because now he looks the part. This society is scary. <br />
<br />
I also have to point this out somewhere, but somehow, he managed to make his hat look more ragged. And, through the wonders of Disney magic, he's even able to turn it back into its pristine, original form the moment he takes that cloak off. Oh that Crock and his silly, inexplicable disguises...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAhRuih4JGR8kHTMHyz_gF26_om11ouL0FkpiFj2Pz9zScwbp0__u9kBlShhTZ5RQvFe9RdO-yXiKU6T0qYH6zUQtY6ZELC2isUkE_mGhJv8fyRRq8wPyTmXEri96FS8xHekM9zIZ2Qak/s1600/wuzzlescrock13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAhRuih4JGR8kHTMHyz_gF26_om11ouL0FkpiFj2Pz9zScwbp0__u9kBlShhTZ5RQvFe9RdO-yXiKU6T0qYH6zUQtY6ZELC2isUkE_mGhJv8fyRRq8wPyTmXEri96FS8xHekM9zIZ2Qak/s320/wuzzlescrock13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5GPTXpufMwIvgQ6n-KOidviFvU8P2oPrnd7x5EVcYsMnThnybxcJYhXhEZq7mBBMv4FA_jqi8048AWD4DKwwL9aTMaF_cOF8ON7ZFTGHKkEZrYc4PS6D4J07qifAcKihj3O8N4Wzzavg/s1600/wuzzlescrock14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5GPTXpufMwIvgQ6n-KOidviFvU8P2oPrnd7x5EVcYsMnThnybxcJYhXhEZq7mBBMv4FA_jqi8048AWD4DKwwL9aTMaF_cOF8ON7ZFTGHKkEZrYc4PS6D4J07qifAcKihj3O8N4Wzzavg/s320/wuzzlescrock14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Butterbear is afraid that if she refuses, he'll turn out to be some enchantress. It's happened before in Disney cartoons.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The moment Crock flings his fat ass into Butterbear's armchair and starts letting whatever gross ooze coating his body sink into the fabric, the yellow Care Bear reject never lets her visitor's gruff nature wipe the smile off her face as she decides to play hostess and bring the diseased, smelly bum some hot mochacocoa and honeyberry biscuits. Because Wuzzles.<br />
<br />
The narrator also manages to pipe in here, but even though he's one of my favorite characters (which is kind of sad if you dwell on it for too long), he's really just stating the obvious here. He basically says in his dulcet tones that Crock is bad news. Uh, no<i> duh</i>, strange invisible voice. I'm sure the audience can figure that out after he tried to steal a house from a birddog.<br />
<br />
Also, I just noticed this, but for some reason, Butterbear's antennae are daisies and that just weirds me out. Does that make her a butterfly/bear/flower Wuzzle then? Can Wuzzles be three species despite the emphasis on two? I wonder if her flower antennae actually function as normal flowers, with pollen and everything (making her Bushroot's predecessor in a way), or if they're designed as a form of camouflage to protect wild Butterbears from predation. I feel like the show's merchandise needed to be packaged with scientific notebooks detailing how these creatures function in their island ecosystem. My thirst for knowledge on Wuzzle behavior must be quenched!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg03yJkpnGEapghKKnPs61EfFf1FCAiXdSYRIqZjtN7Uh-C_ejwo1BjqlDQIeTJB6WaA1TIiJOptJ6boZvLdvca-cjJDNehlupOqM5nIySxQir_kBpgnyFYVRS6XSjbYWdE3tZaz1o32Ic/s1600/wuzzlescrock15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg03yJkpnGEapghKKnPs61EfFf1FCAiXdSYRIqZjtN7Uh-C_ejwo1BjqlDQIeTJB6WaA1TIiJOptJ6boZvLdvca-cjJDNehlupOqM5nIySxQir_kBpgnyFYVRS6XSjbYWdE3tZaz1o32Ic/s320/wuzzlescrock15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two households, both alike in dignity...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The show cuts to morning, where we can assume that Crock recorded over all of Butterbear's shows, left a stain on her sheets, and clogged her toilet during that short span of time, and we see that the fruit storm is over. And, because it was a <i>fruit</i> storm, the Land of Wuz is cloaked by the heavenly glow of a fruit rainbow (don't question it; your head will hurt) while Hoppo sings Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, because Disney loves to acknowledge the existence of Song of the South in children's cartoons. <br />
<br />
You know what's odd? I have the strangest hankering for Froot Loops after looking at this rainbow. Funny thing is, that cereal totally had limited edition combinations that were Wuzzle-esque in their flavors and I wonder if this is where they got their inspiration. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjboS1lYvb7nOvbOFGDJhJYpfbEgNpdjL3k-IcyU61aKsKseD7ukB4M1HYt-qfhNvRFGbDXQAmZJYf9gjtXtjxbqWX4ATvrQTtAKv5EE0_LSBBHwb8kByki1nmPuNhDI5sZaFUJMn5ix9M/s1600/wuzzlescrock16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjboS1lYvb7nOvbOFGDJhJYpfbEgNpdjL3k-IcyU61aKsKseD7ukB4M1HYt-qfhNvRFGbDXQAmZJYf9gjtXtjxbqWX4ATvrQTtAKv5EE0_LSBBHwb8kByki1nmPuNhDI5sZaFUJMn5ix9M/s320/wuzzlescrock16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In the Land of Wuz, you really <i>can</i> taste the rainbow! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, Crock had said that he was only going to stay until the storm was over and, had this show operated under normal earth logic, this episode would've ended right then and there. Luckily for our plump crocodilian antagonist, he can stay for longer because he has his two cronies willing to steal buckets of fruit and fake bad weather just so he can score some more free food. <br />
<br />
I realize that that paragraph doesn't do the insanity of this recent plot development any justice, so let me just take the moment to point out all the plot holes, in handy bulletpoint form.<br />
<br />
*The fruit used to make it look like its raining is way more food than what Butterbear is serving Crock.<br />
*This really only works as long as Butterbear doesn't notice the sun, the people outside, or the clear skies. <br />
*Frizard and Brat couldn't have possibly have known where Crock had went because he left the house without them.<br />
*Considering the rate they're dropping fruit, they'd have to harvest an entire island's worth of fruit in order to keep up this entire charade for any period of time.<br />
*They're standing in broad daylight on Butterbear's roof while throwing fruit all over her property when most of the Wuzzles in the town hate Brat and Frizard. <br />
<br />
To sum it up, <i>what the crap, Disney</i>. I'm beginning to see why The Wuzzles didn't catch on. It's hard to root for a cast that's this stupid. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXq0n7I0sOpupqVba2ehSZDPt4GBDwp8PAwA3aGJ1lErfZxM7T3-z-ATrPNQH27B-3nsgWwAce_oXSfTfOkFOvlEwaR5eLcIvDGny2HXckl9cWxi3qCOO17j_uzTmoscGaZJIYXq4x5Fo/s1600/wuzzlescrock17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXq0n7I0sOpupqVba2ehSZDPt4GBDwp8PAwA3aGJ1lErfZxM7T3-z-ATrPNQH27B-3nsgWwAce_oXSfTfOkFOvlEwaR5eLcIvDGny2HXckl9cWxi3qCOO17j_uzTmoscGaZJIYXq4x5Fo/s320/wuzzlescrock17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfuvtWsxtfF-dS7sVJNLSiT3GdtlbPP3XDogXR8hHeRU61OdgHzssjuh6W86uS0mZE1U2vZNxXTzaGwvADw5F9kRUVi9fAcZTLZUIb81R7h36boMPVrmjOhr5iTH7klUOpx1t1zU4Li_0/s1600/wuzzlescrock18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfuvtWsxtfF-dS7sVJNLSiT3GdtlbPP3XDogXR8hHeRU61OdgHzssjuh6W86uS0mZE1U2vZNxXTzaGwvADw5F9kRUVi9fAcZTLZUIb81R7h36boMPVrmjOhr5iTH7klUOpx1t1zU4Li_0/s320/wuzzlescrock18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sure, this makes a lot of sense.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>What makes this downright insulting and a little frightening is that Butterbear doesn't suspect any foul play at all and doesn't realize that she's being taken advantage of. In fact, she maintains her sunny, chipper personality even when Crock eats all of her food (and she had enough food to last a possible zombie apocalypse; Butterbear's that prepared) and works her to the bone. Geez, she needs lessons on how to be more assertive because at this point, a doormat could use her as a doormat. <br />
<br />
Oh, just so you know, if you watch this scene from a certain mindset, it almost looks like these two are flirting with each other. Try to get <i>that</i> mental image out of your heads, readers! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggiWT47e2FdNNa2HnjPVbl-U7PnvnJZU3IHWYl1N2wneDIvBjmpz7OgPMuVOVRECKOD3h9lzdJUCxcBVdDdrDGmSCDvlmpWlGECHPzSyXwPPNpKSA1ShmWkFQhq8shZOgZcAEplUanAxA/s1600/wuzzlescrock19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggiWT47e2FdNNa2HnjPVbl-U7PnvnJZU3IHWYl1N2wneDIvBjmpz7OgPMuVOVRECKOD3h9lzdJUCxcBVdDdrDGmSCDvlmpWlGECHPzSyXwPPNpKSA1ShmWkFQhq8shZOgZcAEplUanAxA/s320/wuzzlescrock19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So, what'd you dream about last night, honey?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The cute little Wuzzle suffering from some weird mental disorder enters another room, meaning that she's conveniently out of earshot, and that's when Frizard informs his obese overlord that they only have enough fruit for a light shower and they'll have to think of something else. That's when the scaly sin against nature pulls his equally hideous cohorts close and tells them that he has a plan so that he can stay at Butterbear's house<i> <b>forever</b></i>!<i> Mwahahahahaaaaaa! </i><br />
<br />
You know, if they're willing to put so much energy into this little scheme, to the point where Crock has to resort to cartoon whispering, you'd think they'd better invest it in fixing the houseboat or, hell, <b><i>getting jobs</i></b>. This seems like they're really going out of their way to abuse someone's trust and willingness to help other people in order to have Buttered Toast as Crock's personal slave. <br />
<br />
And why does Frizard and Brat even care? Crock left them in that house with the broken roof and has been yelling at them and treating them like crap for this entire episode. If I were them, I'd tell Crock a good place to stuff his sailor cap before flipping him the birddog.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioSzqXIY-t91NMb8lKHyLvzL8eOHj_AXL4kNilWBtaQWV97uBF1OtO3YMAD9KY_7wGl6FgmbMfgpKmyv1Grs5UdX2mXOIySRQBJEBx2w5acb1EhjZVpmSXcGAsgCwzOZxd6I4o-Ru_JMg/s1600/wuzzlescrock20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioSzqXIY-t91NMb8lKHyLvzL8eOHj_AXL4kNilWBtaQWV97uBF1OtO3YMAD9KY_7wGl6FgmbMfgpKmyv1Grs5UdX2mXOIySRQBJEBx2w5acb1EhjZVpmSXcGAsgCwzOZxd6I4o-Ru_JMg/s320/wuzzlescrock20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>It's clear from your vacant expressions<br />
The lights are not all on upstairs<br />
But we're talking kings and successions<br />
Even you can't be caught unawares</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>What's Crock's ingenious plan? Why, while his little slave is down in the cellar, he decides to fake a crippling fall and for his two henchmen to dress up as nurses, rush into Butterscotch's home, and diagnose a fake injury of course! Because why the hell not?<br />
<br />
Okay, I'll be honest with you, gentle reader. I actually had to pause the cartoon, rewind, and see this entire scene again because I couldn't believe what I watching. I thought that I had passed out and my cold medicine was giving me some weird visual and auditory hallucinations. Because seriously, guys? <i><b>Seriously?</b></i> <i>This</i> is the best you can come up with, Crock?<br />
<br />
As you can tell, this episode serves as a cautionary tale for what happens if you let a homeless person into your house. Before long, they'll tell their friends to throw buckets of fruit on your lawn and then they'll run into your kitchen dressed up like nurses and wielding tiny hammers.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFTd0Wm485J1pXg4FHJOgALQ5cH1W4Z6rUVmIpM4XPt71e8RwMUbb9LwxFDzeFjATWRViAjKJ2yC4kDDDtVrlk1B1gI0TN893wXX_0p3iEVVdg9WG7odzo03qNUkcFfdXG78kgaZhsIWU/s1600/Wuzzlescrock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFTd0Wm485J1pXg4FHJOgALQ5cH1W4Z6rUVmIpM4XPt71e8RwMUbb9LwxFDzeFjATWRViAjKJ2yC4kDDDtVrlk1B1gI0TN893wXX_0p3iEVVdg9WG7odzo03qNUkcFfdXG78kgaZhsIWU/s320/Wuzzlescrock.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm so glad he was able to afford nurse costumes just in case he had to do something like this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Before long, the asshole has a fake broken leg and needs bed rest for the next six weeks while Butterbear, bless her gentle daisy-adorned soul, becomes his willing maid that will do anything he says. <i>Anything. </i><br />
<br />
...oh come on. I can't be the only one that noticed that this episode's plot sounds like the premise of a really bad porno. Judging by the bedroom eyes Butterbear is shooting her guest and the tone of voice Crock is using when talking to her, they'll fall in love and they'll be bonking each other's brains out in that wheelchair before the day is over. I guarantee.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcFRIuEie2wbl8NIjVyzWjHzMWXE2R58GcfMb8CIx8hRrDMOuwXYg_eV3Im3jQnnwmmyCXzr3TJSTeSw5UccLUr8P9h2d3WcGEcKsFzq9kdfwcSduAtIcFmZLBWYdRs55isdkqSXvw9ho/s1600/Wuzzlescrock1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcFRIuEie2wbl8NIjVyzWjHzMWXE2R58GcfMb8CIx8hRrDMOuwXYg_eV3Im3jQnnwmmyCXzr3TJSTeSw5UccLUr8P9h2d3WcGEcKsFzq9kdfwcSduAtIcFmZLBWYdRs55isdkqSXvw9ho/s320/Wuzzlescrock1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, so <i>that's</i> where that birddog went...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, before it ever gets to that degree (although I'm sure an alternate version of this episode exists someone on the dark side of the Internet), the other Wuzzles finally notice that they haven't been in this episode at all, so they step in and express their worry over the fact that Bread And Butter's so sore and exhausted from satisfying Crock's every demand that she can barely move. <br />
<br />
...I'm going to let you draw your own conclusions to that. Especially considering how suspicious and angry Bumblelion is during this scene. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGigd0T88aeZmwEmvzyGeMYPWAkXqK37NInYcsVPwI9iI6MWrqnk5Lz8PEjM-xN_odp4JjjJJEFyPQHqJMFEyQ1hSBk1XBcjGAs2tEq7CYfszM2tc1CwxmxegTjEJ904tecXshru2yzSk/s1600/Wuzzlescrock2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGigd0T88aeZmwEmvzyGeMYPWAkXqK37NInYcsVPwI9iI6MWrqnk5Lz8PEjM-xN_odp4JjjJJEFyPQHqJMFEyQ1hSBk1XBcjGAs2tEq7CYfszM2tc1CwxmxegTjEJ904tecXshru2yzSk/s320/Wuzzlescrock2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Really, Butterbear. You can do better than him!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, just in case you wanted another plot point on this tangled yarn ball of crazy, Idiotface McReptilebutt discovered Butterbear's cellar full of jars and, completely on a whim, is now going to sell them and get rich off of them. Yes, not only is he using Butterbear like a cheap violin (in more ways than one), but he's also selling off her material possessions in order to gain a quick buck. No, I'm not making this up. Our next plot point is <i>illegal jam selling</i>. Double U Tee Eff. <br />
<br />
I'm not sure if I'm disgusted or in admiration over how this episode just gets crazier and crazier by the minute. It's sort of like watching a train that has just jumped off the rails and is now plowing through a forest at extremely high speeds. You know what you're watching is a disaster, but the speeding train, now a fiery hunk of metal that's still maintaining its lethal velocity, just keeps destroying everything in its path and the death toll just keeps soaring as the flaming corpses of passengers are flung out of the windows...<br />
<br />
And yes. I did, in fact, just call this episode a trainwreck. It's an amusing trainwreck with weird sexual overtones, but still.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHN2rsKh4WYc5XtAfNiX0t6KdQWhjZ-ncgc1bJT43egiyMHEoriPjgGI-nL-G-Xdbmc_rZLU_uxDTCcRhErZwHIR9ZAJUsMDr0Ave-4WIAhSJCG1b2oJcYNOOHYCW7X5PHCpAgmfLWMNs/s1600/Wuzzlescrock3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHN2rsKh4WYc5XtAfNiX0t6KdQWhjZ-ncgc1bJT43egiyMHEoriPjgGI-nL-G-Xdbmc_rZLU_uxDTCcRhErZwHIR9ZAJUsMDr0Ave-4WIAhSJCG1b2oJcYNOOHYCW7X5PHCpAgmfLWMNs/s320/Wuzzlescrock3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Previously, on Hoarders...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, in no time of all, Crock has an honest to god TV commercial hocking his jam off.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Crock has a TV commercial. The man who lives in a house with a cardboard roof, the man who was digging in the trash of a grocery store in order to find an umbrella, <b><i>can afford</i> <i>a TV commercial</i></b>. A TV commercial that can air on the same day no less. <br />
<br />
Hear that? If you listen closely, you can hear my suspension of disbelief slowly dying a horrible, painful death from this. Nope, not buying it, cartoon. I can believe the fruit storm, the cardboard roof, and the fact that somehow selling a person's jam collection in their cellar could be considered profitable, but not this. What the hell, writers, even <b><i>I</i></b> can't run out and buy a TV commercial, and I can afford umbrellas!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDd0efgc0r43zPuW7thZN2_zd-du_4J9M40AC6uVKnnanr8iAPbth8-q3orH1E0JldfyDf5L0HAx88RVJT5Q9I7nR4NHdIambNvAW01PK909Q2LGf961sSsSoXOvYC6s6lsijsm_GImAE/s1600/Wuzzlescrock4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDd0efgc0r43zPuW7thZN2_zd-du_4J9M40AC6uVKnnanr8iAPbth8-q3orH1E0JldfyDf5L0HAx88RVJT5Q9I7nR4NHdIambNvAW01PK909Q2LGf961sSsSoXOvYC6s6lsijsm_GImAE/s320/Wuzzlescrock4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"With a name like Smucker's, it has to be good!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Just when you thought Crock's plan couldn't get any worse, he's selling the jam <i>in front of his own house when he's supposed to be pretending to be someone else. </i>You know, you have to admire a villain that somehow takes a plan as stupid as "pretend to be sick in order to make someone their personal hand servant" and take it to unbelievable lows. I can't bring myself to hate Crock because of this. Sure, he's probably the biggest dumbass that has ever grazed a television screen, but he does it with such flair, like he takes pride in his own idiocy, and he manages to do it all with a Louisianian accent. It's sort of surreal to watch.<br />
<i> <br />
</i>Bumblelion, the only protagonist Wuzzle that saw the commercial, runs up to his snake oil booth and calls him out, but then is stupid enough to say that he's going straight to Butterbear's. I bet the leading cause of death among Wuzzles is choking on ballpoint pens. Clearly this is not a race that's going to last for very long. After all, the inhabitants are buying jam from a man who eats magazines.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX9iAjwVJQOa2dc7wvnwGNT82oDLrR_6fvtsStoeMNFdysq9wunsz5wfTHzcmnP42Gj2BNo48fvfdF3noTFUhwX_vICbhNdmfeQc6PIuWpKLG6rtZZuBt8L9igyiF0DiWTzWBlXv4Ff2U/s1600/Wuzzlescrock5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX9iAjwVJQOa2dc7wvnwGNT82oDLrR_6fvtsStoeMNFdysq9wunsz5wfTHzcmnP42Gj2BNo48fvfdF3noTFUhwX_vICbhNdmfeQc6PIuWpKLG6rtZZuBt8L9igyiF0DiWTzWBlXv4Ff2U/s320/Wuzzlescrock5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Okay, why did you think that that outfit was a good idea? It doesn't even match!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Long story short, through a series of stunts that normally only appear in a Hannah-Barbera production, Crock manages to make it back to the house before <strike>Braveheart</strike> Bumblelion in time to have a suitable alibi. It's a good thing Butterbear didn't notice the fact that he put his fake cast on wrong or else that never would've worked! But then again, it's been previously established that Wuzzles are pretty unintelligent, so that's not a very outstanding feat. If anything, I'm surprised they can pilot motor vehicles with their massive idiocy affecting their cognitive processes. <br />
<br />
On the bright side, at least Eleroo (you know, that annoying moron who's fine with removing eggs from the wild even when they're from an endangered species) only gets like two lines of dialogue in this entire episode. I can't stand that character almost as much as I can't stand Rhinokey. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJoSzw0vNmcpGARljcVyo0enbFwIz9hRNmBSHl0rZSt9QQx2o9zTw7Eg4R9vaZ9gMaoxKsUWeqeoiEfuSSSibU2M2qidO9BqdEC8xYs1ZVEzvj3GJLLOLC8rJcRM5Mg-mHz7iqaIEYgF8/s1600/Wuzzlescrock6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJoSzw0vNmcpGARljcVyo0enbFwIz9hRNmBSHl0rZSt9QQx2o9zTw7Eg4R9vaZ9gMaoxKsUWeqeoiEfuSSSibU2M2qidO9BqdEC8xYs1ZVEzvj3GJLLOLC8rJcRM5Mg-mHz7iqaIEYgF8/s320/Wuzzlescrock6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm not sure why Butterbear has a bed that can fit and support Crock if she's like a quarter his size...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After Bumblelion leaves, Butterbear (man, these names are terrible) finally discovers her now empty cellar. Crock's explanation is simple; molehogs burrowed up out of holes that look suspiciously like they were put there by a hand drill (<i>yes</i>, there was a previous scene where Crock was using power tools to destroy Butterbear's property, and <i>yes</i>, he really does go out of his way to be a dick in this episode) and ate all of the jam jars, glass and all. Ha ha, it's funny because Crock is slowly but surely destroying someone's life. At this rate, it won't be long before Butterbear is driven to suicide. <br />
<br />
...hey wait. Butterbear demonstrated that she knows about exotic Wuzzle species in the Brahman Bullfinch episode. How is she able to fall for this lie if <i>she</i> of all people would know whether or not molehogs exist? I mean, geez, how many Wuzzle combinations could possibly exist on that chain of small islands?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNb2HSQGrEY5k5W1m0YxfMBHY_Ce6ci_DCxlZI9kl14Wx_n45V53WLKaBjD-gaPa868bZo1UviptG5GaKDoyRZ2JM7AkumzwTFpOqXIOwdL8rfXtmctR5qVzSIyoOMl9arfKP80q0MLAU/s1600/Wuzzlescrock7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNb2HSQGrEY5k5W1m0YxfMBHY_Ce6ci_DCxlZI9kl14Wx_n45V53WLKaBjD-gaPa868bZo1UviptG5GaKDoyRZ2JM7AkumzwTFpOqXIOwdL8rfXtmctR5qVzSIyoOMl9arfKP80q0MLAU/s320/Wuzzlescrock7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Now I'll never be able to survive a nuclear war!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Before you wonder how long it's going to take before our cuddly little yellow friend finally realizes that she's being duped, her friends <b>finally</b>, after the episode is nearly over, show her what's going on. I take back everything I said about this character's intelligence in the last post I did, because clearly she's just as stupid as the rest of them if she blissfully ignored all the glaring signs until someone shoved hard evidence right in her face. Butterbear is naturally pissed by this turn of events, but since she's a lady and this cartoon isn't big on violence, the angriest she can get is a slightly stern voice and some angry eyebrows. Man, if only she were a little more bear and a little less butterfly, because then this episode would've ended with Butterbear mauling Crock and then eating his remains. <br />
<br />
Oh, and there's a moment where Rhinokey simply has to be an asshole. Butterbear, at one point, says that she can't believe Crock did this to her when she was treating him like she was his mother, which causes him to say that Butterbear can't be Crock's mother because Crock's real mother threw him out. <i>Ouch.</i> Man, even when this episode has been "Crock routinely craps on someone's life for the lulz", that joke seemed unnecessarily cruel. If anything, it kind of explains why Crock has issues and doesn't have a cent to his name if his own parents hate him.<br />
<br />
...and just wondering, but would Crock's mother be a crocodile/dinosaur like him, or was she like a crocodile/bird mix that mated with a dinosaur/elephant mix and that was one of the possible combinations and oh god I just started talking about Wuzzle reproduction again, didn't I? Moving on.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaqbVy9PL_KWXaU8sfcNgsy_TgU520QLs14YCNchfbG3Nd1q2SxAjsGW0qmlOPr7ka1crPqpHdaWXPKi_q2HkHjzVHkHv0MgTB0OemEsyvphC50rDhtQPYCpex3ChwFkVx7B9orIXoemU/s1600/Wuzzlescrock9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaqbVy9PL_KWXaU8sfcNgsy_TgU520QLs14YCNchfbG3Nd1q2SxAjsGW0qmlOPr7ka1crPqpHdaWXPKi_q2HkHjzVHkHv0MgTB0OemEsyvphC50rDhtQPYCpex3ChwFkVx7B9orIXoemU/s320/Wuzzlescrock9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"According to this label, this jam is made from the highest-quality fruit juice and contains no preservatives."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Even though she's not going to make like When Animals Attack and use her mighty bear claws to gouge Crock's eyes out, Butterbear's got a plan. A plan so sinister, so twisted, so terrifying, that the very skies will rain blood once she reaps her gory revenge. Something that will really teach Crock what happens when you get a cute, cuddly stuffed animal with darling little flower antennae and cute little butterfly wings angry. <br />
<br />
Speaking of stuffed animals, I had to check eBay. The plot of this episode was actually made into a read-along book with its own cassette. I wonder if they were able to work in the side-plot about the jam salesmanship somewhere in there, but I don't care enough to buy a dirt-encrusted book made in the 80's in order to find out.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC-z5cSqQZOpjyKivAfbZCAOIL8RcbIC8zqct4n4gcWpZr4hLUm6R2yayUco85llUMc-twKjH6UTq2UpUnSeXzFaZ8wiV_Bo2pTVdLoK0GPSe1YJxdbPLvSBeB6NEXrWbSb4wtMUXgfwI/s1600/Wuzzlescrock10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC-z5cSqQZOpjyKivAfbZCAOIL8RcbIC8zqct4n4gcWpZr4hLUm6R2yayUco85llUMc-twKjH6UTq2UpUnSeXzFaZ8wiV_Bo2pTVdLoK0GPSe1YJxdbPLvSBeB6NEXrWbSb4wtMUXgfwI/s320/Wuzzlescrock10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Compare me to Fluttershy again and I'm punching you in the eye."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, I know you're on the edge of your seat, gripping the armrests of your chair until your knuckles turn white as your consumed by anticipation as you await Bearifly's cunning plan. Allow me to burst your bubble and say that it's just as stupid as anything Crock can come up with. And I'm saying this<i> after</i> Crock paints spots all over his face in order to look really sick.<br />
<br />
I wonder how far would Crock have to go before Frizard and Brat realize that he's a total dumbass and his ideas are completely crazy. You'd think they'd have a couple questions about the whole "pretend to be sick and then raid someone's cellar and become a jelly entrepreneur" thing that happened earlier...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzM_xJgZp7uwS4HKuo4IlJHE9B3Cg4WuEcR24GAB1ww3YxhW8UmW2yHsVGzcXh_kA2b0mD1ZAUkyiTtf4gm7_S99tDhcSn21kHflROpqv7wbJ5Z_qaj_rOskhQcUEmRb2Mp8XlVRQ_B9Y/s1600/Wuzzlescrock11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzM_xJgZp7uwS4HKuo4IlJHE9B3Cg4WuEcR24GAB1ww3YxhW8UmW2yHsVGzcXh_kA2b0mD1ZAUkyiTtf4gm7_S99tDhcSn21kHflROpqv7wbJ5Z_qaj_rOskhQcUEmRb2Mp8XlVRQ_B9Y/s320/Wuzzlescrock11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"'Dignity'? What's that?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Butterbear's mindblowing, awesome plan...is to act like Crock really <i>did</i> catch some fake disease, act like Crock is inches away from death in hopes of playing a psychological mind game on the asshole con artist, and then make a fake medicine filled with hot sauce and nasty things. This is our climax, ladies and gentlemen. People gathered around a kitchen, pouring things into a pot in order to play the same prank I played on my roommate after she let a carton of milk go bad in my fridge. Because why be the better man and simply call the authorities on someone who has clearly committed some crimes when you can stoop to their level?<br />
<br />
I don't want to sound like a party pooper, but suppose Crock was allergic to any of those ingredients (they essentially raid Butterbear's entire storage cabinet and puts it in this brew) and ends up having a fatal reaction? I wonder what cutesy hybrid method they have towards burial. <br />
<br />
It's also kind of weird that Butterbear is getting back at Crock for stealing her food and wasting her money by feeding him every last ingredient she has in her kitchen too. A jar of horseradish alone is like five dollars now, and she's dumped like twenty different ingredients into that thing...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs-u-8P7R9MOVfJ3eb3FNUngjn-qqFnJT0-ecUEDcS02ths9w0T9l7IleknwLkdrGDWA1ztEKabvvvNvxuwIN0p5TdHenUN5ipiLnrV390-qQpKVTYOQDqS8E_VS-oJoXkHQsGC3ECmUY/s1600/Wuzzlescrock12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs-u-8P7R9MOVfJ3eb3FNUngjn-qqFnJT0-ecUEDcS02ths9w0T9l7IleknwLkdrGDWA1ztEKabvvvNvxuwIN0p5TdHenUN5ipiLnrV390-qQpKVTYOQDqS8E_VS-oJoXkHQsGC3ECmUY/s320/Wuzzlescrock12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at Rhinokey's face. He does this all the time, doesn't he.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After they stuff burning hot liquid down Crock's throat and cause permanent damage to his esophagus, predictable hilarity ensues including one of those fancy remote controlled folding beds that crop up all the damn time in this cartoon. Whee. <br />
<br />
You know, I hate to say this, but after Butterbear discovers that she's being tricked, the episode feels like I've seen this all before, like the writers suddenly ran out of cocaine, sobered up, and had to resort to fishing for used Warner Brothers scripts out of the trash in order to pad the episode. All of these gags appeared before in other, better cartoons where they had better set-up. I hate to say it, but I liked this cartoon a lot more when it's doing things like showing a homeless person with his own TV commercial and convincing a half-frog man to throw fruit in front of a window to fake a storm. It doesn't make any sense, but it doesn't put me to sleep like this scene did. <br />
<br />
And where the hell did they even get the bed? Is it Butterbear's? Did one of the other Wuzzles loan it just for this prank? Why would a therapeutic bed have features that involve randomly crushing the occupant anyways?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAoegKgR4KNxJ9_J-P_vogZhZr45oEQzC-gIQR_n3IK7okGWCplXtRvyDUKBBy8KhTdk9VzLYxNPhIM7M3-tH9NSu9kAKT64vBytpblGRqYhRh9opN6Djh94IRsg3MqT9xYKPpGucqC5c/s1600/Wuzzlescrock13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAoegKgR4KNxJ9_J-P_vogZhZr45oEQzC-gIQR_n3IK7okGWCplXtRvyDUKBBy8KhTdk9VzLYxNPhIM7M3-tH9NSu9kAKT64vBytpblGRqYhRh9opN6Djh94IRsg3MqT9xYKPpGucqC5c/s320/Wuzzlescrock13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then they end up snapping Crock's spine clean in half. The End.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After they partake in gags that probably appeared in Looney Tunes in how dated they feel, The Wuzzles decide to appeal to the BDSM community by strapping Crock to the bed with leather straps and force-feeding medicine down his throat until he says the safe word. Again, <i>this</i> is our climax. This is how The Wuzzles vanquish their foes. Darkwing Duck gets to shoot a gas gun and narrowly avoid getting strangled to death by a supernatural spud capable of turning all of her victims into weird zombies with roots growing out of their heads, while The Wuzzles partake in disturbing sexual activities involving bondage and feeding. This just gets worse when you realize that all of the occupants in this room are completely and utterly naked save for a hat and the people doing this to him are both women. Sexy.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHzGm-25gMTjyP1CQVho02TgKt1hXGkYQHHUhQ8QwpaH7eZJ9tVVqJ9PQxE6seECr9_YTkA2uB2XsZMWN9b9IyXeWW6PvcHaBz_6Isq2ctLbD59kjkDuEhTnDFrrR3l0njLVpIbVBqVf0/s1600/Wuzzlescrock14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHzGm-25gMTjyP1CQVho02TgKt1hXGkYQHHUhQ8QwpaH7eZJ9tVVqJ9PQxE6seECr9_YTkA2uB2XsZMWN9b9IyXeWW6PvcHaBz_6Isq2ctLbD59kjkDuEhTnDFrrR3l0njLVpIbVBqVf0/s320/Wuzzlescrock14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, you two are into some kinky stuff!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Crock finally gives up, flees the house full of crazy people, and ends up getting hurt in a way that he needs a full body cast. Like the villain protagonist of an ancient Greek play, his lack of humility has ended in his demise and he's left to suffer in the pain that his own actions have brought upon him. Now he can only lay in agony, every bone in his body shattered beyond repair and his tail mysteriously missing, as he grows to hate the very hammock he was seen enjoying in the beginning of the episode while children across America learn the meaning of the word "hubris".<br />
<br />
Hey wait. Crock is unemployed and can't afford food, and yet he has health insurance? There's no way he could've afforded medical attention otherwise.<br />
<br />
...unless those nurse costumes Frizard and Brat had aren't actually costumes and that's their real occupation. But then that just brings up too many questions on why most of the medical staff in The Land of Wuz is in deep poverty. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAPOH1uVySjaLL2uIXBEBk28QmkslrQPxK13p1aKwu_s36IK20neLf7aL3aDRSOtJpYKxTDnFReH-7z6D_TIB37z9S7r1lQtg93LxlyGwa_vyp_0MypAk7Q_2X5rVKVtrP6QT4H-n-2zU/s1600/Wuzzlescrock15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAPOH1uVySjaLL2uIXBEBk28QmkslrQPxK13p1aKwu_s36IK20neLf7aL3aDRSOtJpYKxTDnFReH-7z6D_TIB37z9S7r1lQtg93LxlyGwa_vyp_0MypAk7Q_2X5rVKVtrP6QT4H-n-2zU/s320/Wuzzlescrock15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, the horrible situational irony!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And so, our cartoon ends with Crock in such horrible agony that he can only watch as another storm approaches while the narrator says "Be ever so crumble, there's no place like home". Oh, the hilarious cruelty. I have to wonder. Despite all the crap that's happened because Crock was a jerk, does he deserve this fate? Even I can't answer that one. <br />
<br />
You gotta admire how the people who wrapped him up managed to completely avoid his muzzle so that the animators can properly animate his lip syncing. That takes talent. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU_xZ2bofRX50JOh4v60mUBiilZBKyd5uEoCNHbtSfw_2mjaCcSaFX_bG8G38uXtVAYNyOBTBq0F8Uqo-ME7ejdfUwD4adBk8SOkral1F6K2sSGm112hiRIjr6gwyQnqKQqaaAuIfWQiE/s1600/Wuzzlescrock16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU_xZ2bofRX50JOh4v60mUBiilZBKyd5uEoCNHbtSfw_2mjaCcSaFX_bG8G38uXtVAYNyOBTBq0F8Uqo-ME7ejdfUwD4adBk8SOkral1F6K2sSGm112hiRIjr6gwyQnqKQqaaAuIfWQiE/s320/Wuzzlescrock16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You damn kids, get off my roof!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And that was Crock around the Clock. The grim story of a man without a job, without a home, without any pants, and without any common sense. Hopefully, one of these days, the Wuzzle government realizes that these derelict squatters are a danger to society and need to be institutionalized, or else soon Crock's wacky, zany schemes will end up claiming a life.<br />
<br />
...I just hope that, if that ever happens, the life he claims is Rhinokey. Rhinokey blows.<br />
<br />
<br />
<hr /><span style="color: black;"><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
It's extremely easy to exploit someone, just as long as you don't get greedy and go overboard with it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
<u>The Good</u><br />
*This is a Disney animated TV show, so I have to say this. The animation is very good.<br />
*Crock in all of his fat glory is genuinely likeable (if a little insane in his concepts) and his silly little crimes are fun to watch, so I found this hilarious. <br />
*Butterbear was the main Wuzzle, and I like Butterbear. Her voice is really sweet, her personality is genuinely charming, and unlike the male Wuzzles who can turn into jerks at the drop of a hat, you have to really push Butterbear in order for her to dissolve into asshattery. Therefore, this instantly made this episode better than Bulls of A Feather, an Eleroo episode. <br />
*This episode made me hungry. Oh for the love of god, do I want to sample some of that Wuzzle jam or that Wuzzle fruit. Applemelons and cherrygrapes...<br />
*This is the only cartoon that uses a plot that involves the illegal selling of preservatives, making this episode nothing short of unique.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Bad</u><br />
*</span><span style="color: black;">Rhinokey was in this episode and he wasn't getting killed slowly and painfully for my amusement. I'm gonna have to dock points for that...<br />
*The climax is pretty boring and pacing was kind of an issue.<br />
*Butterbear's inability to assert herself was both tragic and kind of frustrating.<br />
*This really didn't make any sense. Even for a Disney cartoon, it really didn't make any sense. I mean, for crying out loud, Crock had to fish through the trash to find an umbrella but he appeared on TV! What the hell? <br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Final Decision</u><br />
I love this episode, if only because it's a great glimpse at Wuzzles being dicks to other Wuzzles.<br />
<br />
No, seriously. That's all twenty or so minutes of this episode. Sometimes it's Crock being a dick, sometimes it's Butterbear being a dick. It's just pure, mean-spirited cruelty from both the heroes and the villains. <br />
<br />
Therefore, it's animation in its purest form. </span><span style="color: black;">The Wuzzles aren't saving the world or doing anything breathtaking; they're just people like you and I. And I'm sure every last one of us has done something mean-spirited for a laugh.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><br />
I really have nothing more to say about this, other than it's mindless entertainment. It's still not the strongest animated show Disney's ever put out, and I'll be damned if I say that I'm actually invested in any of these furry weirdos (and it's probably not a good sign that I'm wishing death on some of the main characters), but I was able to sit through this at least. <br />
<br />
Also, Crock/Butterbear forever. Their love is so pure!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-36497613025253881892012-03-21T23:01:00.306-07:002012-03-24T23:59:09.566-07:00Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers - The Last LeprechaunIn honor of the fact that this month has a relatively small holiday, I'm going to do a cartoon about leprechauns and chipmunks.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ol0XSEYvknA/TlhlQ4KLTJI/AAAAAAAAA9Y/sOQADt1oiRI/s1600/chip_n_dale_rescue_rangers-show.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ol0XSEYvknA/TlhlQ4KLTJI/AAAAAAAAA9Y/sOQADt1oiRI/s400/chip_n_dale_rescue_rangers-show.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
It's been a while since I last talked about this show, which is odd, because I blab about Darkwing Duck all the time. I guess I'm just biased towards waterfowl or something. But fear not, rodent lovers. I will not let this show suffer from my petty injustices for any longer!<br />
<br />
That being said, there's an unspoken rule that, among the many Disney cartoons that have made their way on various channels throughout the years, pretty much every major holiday is accounted for and has at least one special made in its honor. There are Halloween episodes, Valentine's Day episodes, Christmas episodes, and I'm sure if I looked hard enough, I could even find an episode that talks about Arbor Day or Yom Kippur. <br />
<br />
And sure enough, one of the Disney Afternoon cartoons had something to do with leprechauns, bad Irish accents, and Guinness. Leprechauns needing help from talking chipmunks in Hawaiian shirts. Irish folklore making an appearance in the same show that has some Australian mouse named Monterey Jack. Voice actors trying and failing to imitate Irish accents while another voice actor has to have their voice digitally sped up. This is truly a recipe fit for the gods. It is a great honor I can even share this with you.<br />
<br />
In addition to being St. Patrick's Day related, this cartoon, ironically enough, actually aired one day after the previous episode I talked about, <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/08/chip-n-dale-rescue-rangers-chocolate.html">Chocolate Chips</a>. Wow, I have half a mind to say that that was totally intentional. (It wasn't.)<br />
<br />
But I've been stalling for too long. Waiting for us is a tale of enslavement, betrayal, and squeaky voiced rodents trying to find oversized pots of gold. I shall weave a tale that involves Irish folklore, from terrifying specters renowned for being the omens of death to stereotypical cereal mascots with phoned-in voices. Hopefully you'll learn something from what I'm about to tell you, for it involves fairy tale creatures that are chipmunk-sized and carry racially insensitive names. <br />
<br />
This is...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>The Last Leprechaun </b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_q7Ha2QgAqlPr6amlruFVg2FYrYfZzJNyRB3-YVQRTBVDRLARCmEa9niSkpoSs9UskS_3dBfkvGmGgKdRAiyeBJ8ZChKe07a2ccBbb1ARbyMCaZLwEEEmUawHaraYqTMMO8XPj_vOIUs/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_q7Ha2QgAqlPr6amlruFVg2FYrYfZzJNyRB3-YVQRTBVDRLARCmEa9niSkpoSs9UskS_3dBfkvGmGgKdRAiyeBJ8ZChKe07a2ccBbb1ARbyMCaZLwEEEmUawHaraYqTMMO8XPj_vOIUs/s400/chipndaleleprechaun.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><b>Airdate: </b>November 21, 1989</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: green;">On DVD<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
<br />
When I last talked about the Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, they had, with the help of <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WXKs5o7Kpp4/TlqArfu0pDI/AAAAAAAAA90/KBRKD0JIgGM/s1600/chocolate5.jpg">some racist Mexican caricatures</a> and Dale being the only one with actual competence, managed to thwart <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MjLbiveIeis/TlvqXh1tObI/AAAAAAAABAE/JqE1gjirTX8/s1600/chocolate41.jpg">Fat Hitler</a>'s evil scheme to control all of the chocolate in Brazil. It was a thrilling adventure in the Amazon rainforest, and the fact that it didn't talk about evil logging companies won major brownie points from me, but surely they can do better than that.<br />
<br />
So, what's in store for this episode? Well, for starters, it turns out the Rescue Rangers are in England (because they want to find Monterey Jack's ancestors, but this plot point is quickly discarded in a couple seconds), flying over what look to be storm clouds while all of the occupants of the vehicle voice their uncertainty on whether they can land their aircraft safely. I see we're going to start the episode on a high, cheery note here. <br />
<br />
And here's a fun thing to think about. The Rescue Rangers live in North America. England is on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. Air travel is a pain in the ass when you're in a nice, insulated airplane with bathrooms and in-flight movies and music, but these furry little animals honest to god flew a plane made out of a bleach bottle and a tiny balloon all the way over to another continent without any protection from the cold, unforgiving temperatures at their altitude. Their plane doesn't have any means of illumination, nor does it have seatbelts. On top of that, that aircraft can't be all that fast either, so it's reasonable to assume that they've been flying to discover Monty's roots for, oh, about a week. That takes dedication.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHhbXYB4UNmcijhnzDXOYmZZQQ2_mUNjuvaDLHdlx5ZbHyVYn6iTCnyXLIQHDTFxLn7Evs42ebWI8jKTnT1XWwBNolGKutneNICOckWWgTcEdNuWdvrD3sN2MKCAfwsBk-S7t5sDfDNw0/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHhbXYB4UNmcijhnzDXOYmZZQQ2_mUNjuvaDLHdlx5ZbHyVYn6iTCnyXLIQHDTFxLn7Evs42ebWI8jKTnT1XWwBNolGKutneNICOckWWgTcEdNuWdvrD3sN2MKCAfwsBk-S7t5sDfDNw0/s320/chipndaleleprechaun1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You'd said there'd be parking, Gadget!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After flying around in pitch black darkness and thick mists that they can't properly navigate through (and I hate to criticize Gadget's handiwork here, since I can't build a plane out of bottle caps and kitchen supplies, but <i>you'd think she'd give her aircraft safety features for conditions like this</i>), they crash into a tree, fall to the ground, and somehow not die in the process. Man, chipmunks and mice are durable.<br />
<br />
While everyone is checking for broken bones and still recovering from the shock that they managed to survive that, Gadget informs her friends that they need to find wood and cloth to repair the plane. I love how absolutely bleak this looks. Everything, from the foreboding trees, the low-hanging mist, to the fact that it's in the middle of the night all scream "horror movie" and now I'm half-expecting characters to get picked off one by one. I really hope one of them gives Monterey Jack a hard time (and maybe a fist to the gut) for being responsible for why they're stranded here in the first place. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtgt9-2Z_hzXwXS_PIYJcY_LVhhbYCDNk8T6nYfHeffVqFWUeuFn2-PgmHG-6gsFKglhzIfQbQxxP-0dGGbNC-bkIlr33enPLj96_uLeaDGquw5HOyX2EF_JH5PdWwCWK41Ym9drCrzPo/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtgt9-2Z_hzXwXS_PIYJcY_LVhhbYCDNk8T6nYfHeffVqFWUeuFn2-PgmHG-6gsFKglhzIfQbQxxP-0dGGbNC-bkIlr33enPLj96_uLeaDGquw5HOyX2EF_JH5PdWwCWK41Ym9drCrzPo/s320/chipndaleleprechaun2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm so waiting for an owl to just swoop down and carry two of them off.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>They walk around for a moment, everyone oblivious to the fact that a small cluster of delicious animals would be an easy meal for some of the many nocturnal predatory animals that exist in forests like this one, and then we get one of the most bizarre lines ever. For that's when Monty finds a random plant off the ground and excitedly tells his friends this golden nugget of a line.<br />
<br />
"Look! A shamrock! We must be in Ireland!" <br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
I'm going to take a moment and let the sheer stupidity of that line sink in. It's hard to sum up just how this line made me feel, mostly because I haven't figured out the onomatopoeia of me slapping my forehead. I'm sorry, Disney, but I have shamrocks in my backyard. That doesn't mean I live in Ireland. The plant that this dumbass of a mouse is holding can be found on pretty much any continent because it's a widely spread plant. Monty's logic is terrible and he should feel bad. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC_lY6rDXl-kLu-1P97-22NfbuwG1bEAi1A2xvDMLwdoQQLgtegW1s8uapQWTHN3nxg2VdhviPWG3t600Vhs2Oq6uEqIxvWlcmyUng_w_HCiVPwS2hKcwvvO0lCXPgHc2IkLUc4O5DNWE/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC_lY6rDXl-kLu-1P97-22NfbuwG1bEAi1A2xvDMLwdoQQLgtegW1s8uapQWTHN3nxg2VdhviPWG3t600Vhs2Oq6uEqIxvWlcmyUng_w_HCiVPwS2hKcwvvO0lCXPgHc2IkLUc4O5DNWE/s320/chipndaleleprechaun3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This very common plant will tell us exactly where we are!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In case you chose to stick around after hearing that bizarre leap in logic from one of the main characters, we're confirmed that we're in Ireland when a horse walks up to then and starts talking in a really thick and fake Irish accent. Her line is, and I apologize in advance to anybody of Irish descent reading this, is "And would it be askin' too much for you to get out of me way, then?" This causes Monterey Jack to say "Yep, we're in Ireland, alright!" to his friends, because clearly Irish accents and shamrocks only exist in Ireland. It's almost adorable how none of this dialogue is meant in an ironic fashion. They're being completely serious.<br />
<br />
And how the hell did that horse get that bonnet on her head without any opposable thumbs?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEgBKEBrpzaOz2eMc3nm_6etHIzM4qyzSnS_JRwZNj05zWSb_BViCPRFfan3OsZ0qvhDEhX8yMuKdfXPd-5YNTB8e7WP2Jzq3zD4N5ixyqV-SO6DICSVKQUeZweJNB3uDnBa6yqfBkAuE/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEgBKEBrpzaOz2eMc3nm_6etHIzM4qyzSnS_JRwZNj05zWSb_BViCPRFfan3OsZ0qvhDEhX8yMuKdfXPd-5YNTB8e7WP2Jzq3zD4N5ixyqV-SO6DICSVKQUeZweJNB3uDnBa6yqfBkAuE/s320/chipndaleleprechaun4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Top o' the morning! Potato famine! Luck of the Irish! Police stereotypes!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Turns out the reason the horse and a bunch of animals are leaving this area and taking their silly accents and antiquated headgear with them is because there's witchery afoot! Or, more specifically, there's a banshee loose. Now, I like it when children's programs such as Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers include more obscure mythology just as this, because back when I was a kid devouring these cartoons like a form of sustenance it helped me learn new things. Therefore, this show having an actual banshee instead of just going with the stock "leprechauns are little trickster assholes and you better watch out for them" stock plot for St. Patrick's Day is nothing short of amazing. <br />
<br />
But mostly I'm just amused by the fact that this scene is implying that we're seriously going to see these five little varmints take down an honest to god <i>banshee</i>, an ephemeral being with powers no mortal can comprehend, using only their wits and their ability to spout off action-filled but nonthreatening catchphrases. That's badass, and not something I would expect from wee little rodents in goggles and hats.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW5DSmpEGBhz3Pp4gEBi2KXRl9hhZEf-uCnKCINe3fqZqWjcTP6EbEBrYi4UOfiLAEBv6byXqBLQJliJ9RGj-p1y9URJuLhSWRPEJr3DEYS_RO94Wz28IhiLokKh7odc7Q-klO6HDLq_E/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW5DSmpEGBhz3Pp4gEBi2KXRl9hhZEf-uCnKCINe3fqZqWjcTP6EbEBrYi4UOfiLAEBv6byXqBLQJliJ9RGj-p1y9URJuLhSWRPEJr3DEYS_RO94Wz28IhiLokKh7odc7Q-klO6HDLq_E/s320/chipndaleleprechaun5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Banshee? That's no way to talk to Gadget!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Dale is confused by the Irish horse's mention of little people, so that's when Monterey Jack explains about leprechauns. And, since it's impossible to talk about leprechauns without mentioning the cash reward, he then casually mentions that if you catch one, you get to keep his pot of gold. This causes Dale to freak out, shout "Gooooold!?" in his best Scrooge McDuck impersonation, and bug out his eyes in a way that looks very detrimental to his eyesight. Uh oh. Looks like we've found out which of Dale's character traits are going to be grossly exaggerated for our amusement. The last episode was Gluttony, and now he suffers from Greed, for contained within his brightly colored shirt are all of the Seven Deadly Sins.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNf_DXgYesp5Sve1HMt7FyGvIro8MwiUq2NumvsZu8wNt5BgP1nMuAcKV2afhLI6ZcNqRsEul7spqokCMIUpP4MGOtJc2KJ8Pnu3GQTNrFJhTUXaR3DUkK5VirTeXxFAeyqkq7NaryKVU/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNf_DXgYesp5Sve1HMt7FyGvIro8MwiUq2NumvsZu8wNt5BgP1nMuAcKV2afhLI6ZcNqRsEul7spqokCMIUpP4MGOtJc2KJ8Pnu3GQTNrFJhTUXaR3DUkK5VirTeXxFAeyqkq7NaryKVU/s320/chipndaleleprechaun6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">8O</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Sure enough, once this cartoon established that there are leprechauns, we get to see some goddamned leprechauns. With Irish music overpowering the air like a bad smell, we see a suitably leprechaun-ish leprechaun doing all the things leprechauns are expected to do, like hide pots of gold, speak in funny little accents, and have out-of-date clothing with buckles in them. Leprechauns like to stick to traditions, you see.<br />
<br />
And our little facial hair-toting little pixie, after he somehow shoves a pot of gold into a tree trunk using only elbow grease and manpower (because using actual magic is for pussies), starts complaining about how hard it is to hide his iconic pot of cursed fairy gold when he's all alone. Oh, how he wishes he had someone to talk to. I wonder if this is going to somehow involve Dale. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1DHIBbC4RqekEaGHrdV94aUUytrGCkGuSTmP4ftl-eu8rnt-s8tofc5l02ykrCnM3uAFACTrC-iMnotaOnC_hmPcMEOB4u1tdZ-h4crSG77UvUJxCJvp2RR_RhQWr3dzCKdPNCEz5r2A/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1DHIBbC4RqekEaGHrdV94aUUytrGCkGuSTmP4ftl-eu8rnt-s8tofc5l02ykrCnM3uAFACTrC-iMnotaOnC_hmPcMEOB4u1tdZ-h4crSG77UvUJxCJvp2RR_RhQWr3dzCKdPNCEz5r2A/s320/chipndaleleprechaun7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ah yes, soon the price of gold will inflate and I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While some mythical creature is setting Irish representation in cartoons back a hundred years, the Rescue Rangers are MacGyvering their plane back to normal. Say all you want about the Rescue Rangers; they get stuff <i>done</i>. Our daring little woodland creatures been flying for hours in their plane, it's dark, and they're probably all suffering from major jet lag, but instead of setting up camp or building a shelter to protect them from wild animals or Celtic monstrosities such as the banshee, they get right to fixing up their plane just so they can get out of this frightening hellhole as soon as possible. That, my friends, is the very definition of the word "badass", especially when you see that Monterey Jack has <i>a serrated kitchen knife </i>as a saw. I'm beginning to see why this show still has an active fanbase, because who <i>wouldn't </i>want to fangirl mice with giant cutting tools? <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhagn08jfJ-22p034ISr6q3s-Fi6ufxMy8d5HxlCUnqYFNjxsg7sJq0vLnvq4Vic3h7rE96mU_QfZCU89QBectAH6Nv10-QCM5IFbJ-dmvJ8rV3ECIVRi6VEf00zP0Fr5rXKv6A300oFG8/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhagn08jfJ-22p034ISr6q3s-Fi6ufxMy8d5HxlCUnqYFNjxsg7sJq0vLnvq4Vic3h7rE96mU_QfZCU89QBectAH6Nv10-QCM5IFbJ-dmvJ8rV3ECIVRi6VEf00zP0Fr5rXKv6A300oFG8/s320/chipndaleleprechaun8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If Crocodile Dundee taught me one thing about Australians, it's that they know their knives.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Sadly, not all of them are rugged adventurers willing to laugh in the face of the unknown. Instead of helping with the plane, Dale's running off in search of leprechauns in antics so clearly meant to be hilarious that I can almost picture the sitcom-style laugh track. I've noticed from watching these episodes of Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers that, with a large group such as the Rescue Rangers, each character in the group has episodes where they're awesome and episodes where they're unbearable asswipes that you wish would get their heads caught in a mousetrap. The writing was so flexible (or inconsistent, depending on how kind you want to be), that one morning you can watch an episode and think Monterey Jack was the coolest thing ever, and then, in the afternoon in the very same day, watch another episode and suddenly hate that fatass's guts. This is exactly what's happening to Dale. After all, with the banshee not making an appearance until much later, the audience needs something to hate.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAGjZ1DNHVfSfESidiCRf5g9nh1SVtaODsAX4smrp2sEXCtRjr-cBHYM_Z2dFhMxA5nwZNqySACcBvSt5k7WmiSS_4YzbD7cPQY7VlbcQgndQjR5mWUWwkOGO-DSuDsOWtUy0koC-nsY4/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAGjZ1DNHVfSfESidiCRf5g9nh1SVtaODsAX4smrp2sEXCtRjr-cBHYM_Z2dFhMxA5nwZNqySACcBvSt5k7WmiSS_4YzbD7cPQY7VlbcQgndQjR5mWUWwkOGO-DSuDsOWtUy0koC-nsY4/s320/chipndaleleprechaun9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And in the next episode, it turns out Dale is also incredibly narcissistic! Oh, that wacky Dale...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After he gets spied on by a very off-model leprechaun (who instantly selects him as a target for fun and games, because I guess Ireland is utterly devoid of such rare, unique animals such as mice and chipmunks), Monterey Jack and Chip discourage the Hawaiian shirt-toting vermin from searching for gold by saying there's no such thing as leprechauns. While this is a very mean thing to do (because I've so been there when people I knew told me that certain fairy tales didn't really exist), they're being a lot nicer about it than in Chocolate Chips. Chip's not chewing out his brother (are they related?) and calling him a worthless piece of ass for dare succumbing to his many, many character flaws; he just lightly discourages Dale and then continues onto more important manners, like doing his actual job as a Rescue Ranger. I sure hope <i>this</i> was the norm, and not the "I'm going to whine and moan excessively about how I'm on vacation and go to hell Dale for eating sweets!" I saw in the last episode. <br />
<br />
However, as much as I praise this outcome, what I <i>would've</i> liked to see is Chip point out to Dale that, since they're rodents that get most of their supplies from trash left over from the human world, they really have no use or need for gold. I mean, seriously, how in god name's would they even carry the gold back? Bleach bottles aren't known for being structurally sound.<br />
<br />
...and the whole "what would animals want with gold or money" thing kind of rips a huge plot hole into most of Fat Cat's schemes now that I really think about it. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-v9MWdmxWB5yBgASFHpBHxF50h9Z6VhoscgaMNwPzunjDIBL2WEhNZDgkRY7bb0DLaJYn8cFL-yGhfNOKjjYrV7xRye0q3E3ShshHsUYWj8RhODlhZWFRRAxK3-ClCLboVPmM7s9MpKY/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-v9MWdmxWB5yBgASFHpBHxF50h9Z6VhoscgaMNwPzunjDIBL2WEhNZDgkRY7bb0DLaJYn8cFL-yGhfNOKjjYrV7xRye0q3E3ShshHsUYWj8RhODlhZWFRRAxK3-ClCLboVPmM7s9MpKY/s320/chipndaleleprechaun10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poor Dale. Sometimes it's hard being the comic relief. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Right after Dale's dreams are hopelessly crushed under the thick army boots of reality, a leprechaun teleports next to him (hey, comedic timing!) and then, in that ever-annoying fake Irish accent of his, starts messing with him by teleport spamming and inappropriately grabbing the poor chipmunk. I'm not sure how I feel about this scene. See, one of the reasons we allow this sort of tomfoolery from leprechauns normally is because they're small and therefore their dupery is almost charming. However, the leprechaun in <i>this</i> show is as tall as our heroes and he's touching them in places that makes them feel uncomfortable. What kind of sick animals animated this atrocity?<br />
<br />
And man, that bush's placement is worrying me. I'm thinking back to the time when the little midget said that he wanted some company and now I'm silently weeping. <br />
<br />
...and why the hell didn't any of the other Rescue Rangers hear any of this? Worst friends <b>ever</b>.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgakNK1Zxkc6as3jv7aXWdyudMxtqU6M_ulRv6Ug9-wVEl8PDQFLzPN2LrRkB3Q_hpNUFTjGsEFbPH2GanUM4ghG_d8_dQ2tjAqwl00xoWNcfXPCGs9g280mqD2DySUQfAr1Rs9DM4SDrM/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgakNK1Zxkc6as3jv7aXWdyudMxtqU6M_ulRv6Ug9-wVEl8PDQFLzPN2LrRkB3Q_hpNUFTjGsEFbPH2GanUM4ghG_d8_dQ2tjAqwl00xoWNcfXPCGs9g280mqD2DySUQfAr1Rs9DM4SDrM/s320/chipndaleleprechaun11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What happens in Ireland <b><i>stays</i></b> in Ireland.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After having his personal space violated by a complete stranger, Dale somehow captures the little rapist, grabs him by <b>the throat</b> (wow, Dale's pissed!), and brings him to his friends so they can properly take legal action. There's a great bit where basically the skepticism and distrust of Dale's wacky schemes, which normally takes way too big of a chunk in a given episode, is shortened down to Chip quickly saying "Just ignore him" off-screen before the cartoon moves right with the plot. No "Oh, Dale, you let us down! Now we're going to be angry and mopey for five minutes!" like in Chocolate Chips. <br />
<br />
Yes, as you might guess from the way I keep praising this episode while simultaneously putting the previous one down, Chocolate Chips pissed me the hell off. That episode sucked and it doesn't deserve to share the same DVD space as this one. I don't care if it had someone named VonSugarbottom in it.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlbIePDBdcRSyRJzccDYWDjMv_eMxnvwi-mu7QB6YahNKEoGdlgSX4P4L6I2znN12a7DUA9-EMpnbfZp5vFOpRLRUqF6WWWXkuBbEvkJwXEe9VMfqa3ciFH3rRLsaRbf_P1w9rnsk9mRA/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlbIePDBdcRSyRJzccDYWDjMv_eMxnvwi-mu7QB6YahNKEoGdlgSX4P4L6I2znN12a7DUA9-EMpnbfZp5vFOpRLRUqF6WWWXkuBbEvkJwXEe9VMfqa3ciFH3rRLsaRbf_P1w9rnsk9mRA/s320/chipndaleleprechaun12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Alright, buddy. Hand over the cereal, and no one gets hurt."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Like anyone who finds themselves standing next to a creature that should not exist, the little furry fandom icons make with the inquiries and ask the little gnome what his deal is. That's when the leprechaun, taking his kidnapping in stride since he can always just teleport away if he gets too bored, introduces himself as Darby Spree, King of the Leprechauns. Yeah, didn't you know? Leprechauns have a monarchy. What, you never learned that in your mythology class?<br />
<br />
To be honest, once I learned that our leprechaun was not just any leprechaun, but an honest to god <b>king</b>, I suddenly became very disappointed in his wardrobe choices and the overall way he carries himself. Oh sure, the buckled hat and the green just scream "leprechaun", but you'd think he'd at least have a crown or some golden rings or <i>something</i> that marks him as more than just a mere, run-of-the-mill leprechaun. I <i>guess</i> it's nice that this ruler chooses a life of little opulence to live the same life as the people in his dominion, but come on, Darby, make with the kingliness! <br />
<br />
Buuuut I shouldn't be complaining too much. I'm just glad that the leprechaun's not named Lucky. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY9zCkETusZoq36y0KmjO0kM6jVWsRv_cRcwWcnfsgNk59XmQWVF1sBYV8_rPWBJeJAxJoqd6FOp1C4E4sFAyzmr2cSR2S2HtfRLFr_i_A395VArZllMF7O6Z_L5r1kG8HRrMaf2qX78s/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY9zCkETusZoq36y0KmjO0kM6jVWsRv_cRcwWcnfsgNk59XmQWVF1sBYV8_rPWBJeJAxJoqd6FOp1C4E4sFAyzmr2cSR2S2HtfRLFr_i_A395VArZllMF7O6Z_L5r1kG8HRrMaf2qX78s/s320/chipndaleleprechaun13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even magical creatures suffer from male pattern baldness. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>What's the first response he gets when he says that he's King of the Leprechauns? Gadget, the supposed genius of the group, utters "Are you really a leprechaun?" <i>No</i>, Gadget, he's merely some <b>other</b> type of mouse-sized human with magic powers that frequently appears in Ireland. Dumbass! <br />
<br />
However, instead of laughing in Gadget's face for asking such a stupid question, Darby pinches his jacket, gloats about his leprechaun-ness, and poses <i>like a boss</i>. Smug little jerk, isn't he? <br />
<br />
Although, to be fair on Darby, I don't think there's any member of the Rescue Rangers that can claim that they have ever been the King of the Leprechauns. Save for when Monty gets really drunk during St. Patrick's Day, but that's mostly the Guinness talking. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI33hnQAkeLCX1Pk_fKNhApVayh5LENvPR9_AXRukKhEl0kbkBr7KW2uLoigftWlEhIMXD1BLj9V-47y0sJ42V4jHFAmhdn4cjVtwZSSxbMVnEA6U95ZM7wVaECaYa60SfuV510R3_mTY/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI33hnQAkeLCX1Pk_fKNhApVayh5LENvPR9_AXRukKhEl0kbkBr7KW2uLoigftWlEhIMXD1BLj9V-47y0sJ42V4jHFAmhdn4cjVtwZSSxbMVnEA6U95ZM7wVaECaYa60SfuV510R3_mTY/s320/chipndaleleprechaun14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Darby, the first male leprechaun stripper.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>However, despite the pleasant attitudes, Dale is sick of this stupid fairy flapping his gums instead of coughing up the goddamn gold, so he demands that Darby hand over the goods. This causes the leprechaun to insist that he'll do so<i> after</i> he takes them to the Grand Hall of the Leprechauns, a magical and wondrous place full of magical and wondrous sights and magical and wondrous magic and wonder that no mortal eyes have never beheld it in its true majesty. Chuck Norris himself would fall to his knees and weep in joy if he ever entered the Grand Hall of the Leprechauns, Darby insists. True story! <br />
<br />
...yeah, if you know anything at all about fairies, especially trickster fairies like leprechauns, you should know where this is going. Too bad chipmunks and mice aren't known for their knowledge in Celtic mythology, so they fall for it completely. Because a leprechaun said it. What rubes.<br />
<br />
And I might as well point this out, but frequently throughout this episode, the animators draw Darby with these really odd diamond-shaped eyes. I'm not sure if it's a stylistic choice or a way to make him as an ephemeral sprite beyond our mortal comprehension, but seeing as how everyone else has the classic Disney-style eyes that take up 80% of their face, it just makes Darby look like he's perpetually squinting and totally not something I would trust. Those eyes have killed before. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTeGfndkjpUsdyuMrJrxwS6vM11R8PT-t7sVJ-eClG9C53c7MInS9wSsa7bRxjNIffQa2RtQfVM8lAbYnFS3Y7y-iUF2FMKtz5lapWS6p2nJ9pkuQeRsJQTwSFw-H3OgHrzjjaFlBbJ58/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTeGfndkjpUsdyuMrJrxwS6vM11R8PT-t7sVJ-eClG9C53c7MInS9wSsa7bRxjNIffQa2RtQfVM8lAbYnFS3Y7y-iUF2FMKtz5lapWS6p2nJ9pkuQeRsJQTwSFw-H3OgHrzjjaFlBbJ58/s320/chipndaleleprechaun15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Of <i>course</i> I trust you, scary bucktoothed demon man!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So all of the Rescue Rangers, the little furry dumbasses that they are, follow the little leprechaun through the spooky, mist-covered forests now devoid of any other signs of life save for their group. You know, instead of the alternative, which is continue fixing their plane so they can get out of Ireland <i>like they had planned on doing in the first place</i>. Forget the compliments I gave the Rescue Rangers earlier; clearly they can only get stuff done as long as there's no distractions in the way.<br />
<br />
And just in case you're not creeped out by Darby yet, his method of bringing everyone inside the Grand Hall is to make some weird strangulating magic cord that wraps around the entire group and drags everyone down into the dark, untold reaches of the Earth. Yeah, seems trustworthy enough.<br />
<br />
Also, am I the only one surprised by everyone's willingness to follow Darby? Surely someone in the group was suspicious, right? <br />
<br />
...<i>Right?</i><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Jv-lDFQLJ5A3kpc8HUgjWeK3ftnUnvJ2ktbQzO7wHv_V8IbnpbxWIUHn1OHrNFx7iv_mnf6R1o0_3CO1Y2nnmc58GbGB9-fA90mK2WnBiRdtil6oCEE90iaqdVs2k6i56Bjk4hwgJy8/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Jv-lDFQLJ5A3kpc8HUgjWeK3ftnUnvJ2ktbQzO7wHv_V8IbnpbxWIUHn1OHrNFx7iv_mnf6R1o0_3CO1Y2nnmc58GbGB9-fA90mK2WnBiRdtil6oCEE90iaqdVs2k6i56Bjk4hwgJy8/s320/chipndaleleprechaun16.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzy3Kqi73CHE4hY_a1nOIRzgRzXH5LGSQp6dCSChp9b5mtm3HGY-JmMMBIBvV4vm2HhwwbhcAXuRxp93Nd9YzTRWS2j9yGsetTOno-SQVX57ILxMSz_61V_PVVPyinMP68zL0btLnHyEg/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzy3Kqi73CHE4hY_a1nOIRzgRzXH5LGSQp6dCSChp9b5mtm3HGY-JmMMBIBvV4vm2HhwwbhcAXuRxp93Nd9YzTRWS2j9yGsetTOno-SQVX57ILxMSz_61V_PVVPyinMP68zL0btLnHyEg/s320/chipndaleleprechaun17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"There's no way this can possibly go wrong!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We then get to see the Grand Hall of the Leprechauns and, boy, let me tell you, it's like Duke Nukem Forever in terms of failing to live up to its hype. The little asshole in the beard was so excited to talk about this place that he had to do the wiggly fingers and yet, from what I can tell, the Grand Hall is just a cavernous hole in the ground that contains long-lost Irish treasures that the leprechauns stole. Readers, I officially declare this set piece to be A Disappointment, complete with capital letters. I guess the little pellet-crapping vermin were supposed to bask in the glory that is Darby's mystical silver harp!<br />
<br />
Luckily, Dale doesn't give a crap and recognizes that he's been duped. He just wants the gold. I'm torn between finding Dale's incessant demands annoying (all of his dialogue since he met up with Darby has contained the word "gold" in it) or commiserating with him and saying that I'd probably do the exact same thing.<br />
<br />
Yeah, definitely the latter. Darby's obviously stalling for time, the little crapnugget. Give the little rat his gold already!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUupqVWChtCjHCoe4J1tkWQL2ceMC3AaZrGuIGafGYcLwPBKRl1AruyCAUfzaFAU7BqwYYP8goIgPxSo4Yy2ZLD6HTrJGG8Gyic3U0YbXD6oCOvlGqRckQ2la33IbO6ZT34SMUsiN4yRs/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUupqVWChtCjHCoe4J1tkWQL2ceMC3AaZrGuIGafGYcLwPBKRl1AruyCAUfzaFAU7BqwYYP8goIgPxSo4Yy2ZLD6HTrJGG8Gyic3U0YbXD6oCOvlGqRckQ2la33IbO6ZT34SMUsiN4yRs/s320/chipndaleleprechaun18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's not like the humans would like any ancestral thrones or swords from their ancestors or anything...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Instead of, you know, Dale getting his damned gold from the annoying imp, we get to see instruments play magically and the leprechaun do a little jig.<br />
<br />
...I'm beginning to see why leprechauns haven't been romanticized the way mermaids and vampires are. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkvSEG7m6bXq72P9mZukvsMv48P6a_vV18nRVq34W8Cz5q6Qc_iIjvwIH-LexbmX8fWmIjFTU5ZPe2DjtMAJ4f6bTmVlThQjRuYkwrYTku1t8gDeob7o9NM5XwZzDoYsNRVEtWluAuKb4/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkvSEG7m6bXq72P9mZukvsMv48P6a_vV18nRVq34W8Cz5q6Qc_iIjvwIH-LexbmX8fWmIjFTU5ZPe2DjtMAJ4f6bTmVlThQjRuYkwrYTku1t8gDeob7o9NM5XwZzDoYsNRVEtWluAuKb4/s320/chipndaleleprechaun19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They haven't suffered from this much disappointment since they visited California Adventure.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>However, turns out the Lucky Charms mascot just randomly dicking around with rodents was a bad idea, because while the Disappointing Hall of the Assholes plays music, the horrendous thing I have ever seen in this cartoon appears, which appears onscreen with a sound that can drive a knife through anyone's eardrums. Looks like we finally got our banshee! <br />
<br />
Banshees are not the most recognizable of mythical creatures, but most people know them for their defining trait; their scream that heralds the death of a family member. Sure, this cartoon decides to do away with the whole "heralding death" thing, what with it being a children's cartoon, but oh geez, this banshee scream is pretty intense and actually pretty scary. The best way to describe this ungodly abomination to your ears is to imagine if someone screamed in one of those dollar store voice-changers, and then Satan somehow recorded that sound and modulated it in AfterEffects. The result is one of the reasons why I really didn't like watching the Disney Channel around March when I was a kid because I knew there was a chance that I'd tune in and accidentally run into The Scream. <br />
<br />
But hey, at least it makes Darby look less frightening, even if it's just by comparison.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqlrY7TDBB04nmkntdooL5zfqfnpsANVD_kVFYcIFhPKQ0ohlr16BLJFDqNbgWdVer7PPK_5BkTkqFLaP29OhrGoN_6IriSG1WpLnGG1C4W_Qm09Nnk_WUMG_h1g-9UFKuA7OXOaMn-Ac/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqlrY7TDBB04nmkntdooL5zfqfnpsANVD_kVFYcIFhPKQ0ohlr16BLJFDqNbgWdVer7PPK_5BkTkqFLaP29OhrGoN_6IriSG1WpLnGG1C4W_Qm09Nnk_WUMG_h1g-9UFKuA7OXOaMn-Ac/s320/chipndaleleprechaun20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What's a Disney cartoon without a little nightmares?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then the hideous screaming creature floats through the air merely by utilizing her own hatred of gravity and then steals the magic gold of King Darby. Ladies and gentlemen, our driving plot point for this cartoon. <br />
<br />
...yeah. Probably should've hid that magic gold in that Grand Hall of the Ruined Expectations there, King Talks-To-Chipmunks. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlYb8DF-IUuZsUcE1iVYWJO8StjpucLra4gzP8LFcTbVltKAE_y1e0-bcIoymsqkli6Ha8UN9Cm6UjXe-2qnajju-OZFSrPb8Y7s5y4vuDFnM3rwVwrhPAWGbOyRvbksSa0sQewyAGppc/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlYb8DF-IUuZsUcE1iVYWJO8StjpucLra4gzP8LFcTbVltKAE_y1e0-bcIoymsqkli6Ha8UN9Cm6UjXe-2qnajju-OZFSrPb8Y7s5y4vuDFnM3rwVwrhPAWGbOyRvbksSa0sQewyAGppc/s320/chipndaleleprechaun21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Darby, there's a lovely invention the mortals have created. They're called "banks". Perhaps you've heard of them.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After this happens, we get to check back on our furry little heroes, who are gradually growing uncomfortable (to the point where no one's making eye contact) by Darby and his wanton use of magic. Using their patented super sleuthing skills (aka, everyday logic) they notice that the Not-So-Grand Hall seems to be totally lifeless save for them, and that they haven't actually seen any other leprechauns when Darby's a supposed king. This causes them to finally gain enough courage to ask Darby what his deal is, all while hoping that by doing so, they don't set him off and cause him to go on a murdering rampage.<br />
<br />
Fortunately, instead of angering him, Irish O'StereotypeName makes with the sad backstory and tells them that he's the last of the leprechauns. Turns out he got to see all of his friends and family get hunted down by the banshee. You gotta imagine how it was to hear this as a kid. They sort of leave the whole "hunted down" definition ambiguous here (you later learn that she merely captured them), so I seriously thought Darby was telling some chipmunks and their mice buddies that he saw everyone he knew and loved messily slaughtered by something that speaks purely in night terrors. I guess that would make <i>anyone</i> turn to kidnapping and random molestation.<br />
<br />
Oh, and right after he gains their pity, he casually mentions that when you enter the lair of the little people, you're trapped there forever and become his little fun slaves. Hey, just because he's got a tragic past doesn't prevent him from being a douche!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHaF_gl84qWYEjUB9j1eeBv7MYH2LM4_gTvd5xaBXi_BoIsRUpmDa431WeiwNPqYw8FcrsrbWAjnwr3xn-OV2F9dub9SnctCQo8aloOkZVYDDNrJtfuN8WWuBWSGiXDVQ5OVWsEhdUthM/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHaF_gl84qWYEjUB9j1eeBv7MYH2LM4_gTvd5xaBXi_BoIsRUpmDa431WeiwNPqYw8FcrsrbWAjnwr3xn-OV2F9dub9SnctCQo8aloOkZVYDDNrJtfuN8WWuBWSGiXDVQ5OVWsEhdUthM/s320/chipndaleleprechaun.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They're taking this rather well...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When hearing that Dale's going to languish, away from his home and everything he's loved, in some magic cavern in Ireland forever (and, judging by how there's no food and water in the Grand Hall, when I say "forever", I mean "about three days until everyone dies of starvation"), Dale gets pissed off with Sir "Shamrocks Mean We're In Ireland!" (aka Monterey Jack) and starts yelling at him for telling him about leprechauns in the first place. No offense, Dale, but maybe you should try redirecting your anger at the buckle-wearing jerk responsible for your entrapment. Darby may be magic, but he definitely won't see a foot to the crotch coming. <br />
<br />
Random, but I've noticed that Zipper (the little fly in all the group shots) has said absolutely nothing, contributed absolutely nothing, and is really only visible to reassure us that he's still alive. I'd be a little more insulted if I actually gave a crap about the character.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2W6eXDnbjH5WvuKiIp4YKXgTkQMCA03BPiR4dY7e3ExrVLozOhECLjs-eUE6KPUSyDeXBoD2uG_pDqNANW66TbtWKg7cOdyO_embjhIlHse6-UKyd0lzjZFbTsHWdWr28gupNpEFbSRU/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2W6eXDnbjH5WvuKiIp4YKXgTkQMCA03BPiR4dY7e3ExrVLozOhECLjs-eUE6KPUSyDeXBoD2uG_pDqNANW66TbtWKg7cOdyO_embjhIlHse6-UKyd0lzjZFbTsHWdWr28gupNpEFbSRU/s320/chipndaleleprechaun1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"<i>Pull my finger, damnit!</i>"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, while he watches woodland critters yell at each other, Arby Darby Farby senses that his powers are getting weaker. That can only mean one thing; someone's <strike>after his lucky charms</strike> messing with his pot of gold. It turns out a leprechaun's magic is directly connected to their pot of gold. Bet you didn't know that either. This episode is like a documentary on leprechauns from the way it keeps informing the audience on little-known facts about these amazing creatures. <br />
<br />
And oh god, the perspective when he flies through the air in order to check on his pot of gold (I bet you didn't know that leprechauns could fly either! I'm learning new things from Disney!) just defies all words in the English language on how ridiculous it is. I really doubt the animators kept a straight face while drawing this work of art.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYt6ekLHvakOyP7Ot4244ILHdaOBohZIsG9KNgOTM7XdK5-Tvom3M6iEWbDGY__RLvENPgBuEDLX20zmNheiACd3YqgYD3ZAHZvW-WnTMqCt_NiIBqaRudgxoIvJSDWArJ-c2j-qYRm-k/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYt6ekLHvakOyP7Ot4244ILHdaOBohZIsG9KNgOTM7XdK5-Tvom3M6iEWbDGY__RLvENPgBuEDLX20zmNheiACd3YqgYD3ZAHZvW-WnTMqCt_NiIBqaRudgxoIvJSDWArJ-c2j-qYRm-k/s320/chipndaleleprechaun2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Leprechauns are a majestic, dignified race.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When he finds that the stump containing his cleverly hidden pot of gold, it just steams the King of the Leprechauns' britches. Our unlikeable little asshole is pretty ticked that the source of his power is now in the hands of his worst enemy. In fact, Darby's so mad that his pot of gold is gone that suddenly he turns on the Rescue Rangers and thinks that the mortals were sent by the banshee to distract him. <br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Yes, Darby. The banshee sent a chipmunk in a hat, a chipmunk modeled after Magnum, P.I., an overweight mouse with an Australian accent, a female mouse in purple spandex, and a useless fly to distract you. Because <i>that</i> makes a whole lot of sense. She's a powerful witch woman who can scream in a way that can physically destroy anything in her path, but her big plan was to send small mammals your way. <br />
<br />
Yeah, this show is full of idiots, I've noticed. This jump to conclusions isn't as bizarre as Monty saying that shamrocks mean they're in Ireland, but it's pretty up there.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSWBc49vwEeva7ltfUllxXa7-0mAykqjc-f_5dgRpwqPqaTHWJZjZVJ8iebwcP_Vo_uxFGV1gYOxLKh-IWri3JQ3ZDacJ0eP5OL1PwuGc-coQVfdGVSK_jlskOA9bcKte-Nykabes8RCQ/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSWBc49vwEeva7ltfUllxXa7-0mAykqjc-f_5dgRpwqPqaTHWJZjZVJ8iebwcP_Vo_uxFGV1gYOxLKh-IWri3JQ3ZDacJ0eP5OL1PwuGc-coQVfdGVSK_jlskOA9bcKte-Nykabes8RCQ/s320/chipndaleleprechaun3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oooh, that cunning witch, coming up with an elaborate plot involving American tourists!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, the Rangers use the brief time they have where they're not surrounded in Irish stereotypes to try to escape from the <strike>Fortress of The Moles</strike> Grand Hall of the Leprechauns. Yeah, you know that whole "mortals can never leave the Grand Hall" thing? Turns out that really doesn't mean anything magical; it's just that the only entrance and exit is a tiny hole in the ceiling and it's really goddamn inconvenient. Good thing the Rescue Rangers can fashion ropes out of bits of string and bobby pins and have a fly at their command (hey, Zipper was actually useful!) or else they'd really be screwed.<br />
<br />
I've noticed that Chip is a lot more fun to watch in this episode. His complaints towards Dale are limited to friendly taps on the head, and he seems to be smiling a lot more often. Maybe Chip was just having a really bad day back in the Amazon.<br />
<br />
...and okay, this is the last time I'll bring up Chocolate Chips. In my defense, my therapist said that it's harmful to keep all of this pent-up frustration bottled up inside. I know crap when I see it. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiham6hI8Q02ehBQQ2811x_HF3_1WQZxIrCZguRQjgQD4GdgM3cAFy6cy2lEeKdml7IdPaBta9-BVSKmSuHfR0ckprHAwmsmuVzUk0_10Svl2Z2aP6R0m2PXSAJdh7AoOEpXj9_YJxRyr4/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiham6hI8Q02ehBQQ2811x_HF3_1WQZxIrCZguRQjgQD4GdgM3cAFy6cy2lEeKdml7IdPaBta9-BVSKmSuHfR0ckprHAwmsmuVzUk0_10Svl2Z2aP6R0m2PXSAJdh7AoOEpXj9_YJxRyr4/s320/chipndaleleprechaun4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hah! Leprechaun magic, my ass!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But their escape plan is thwarted when Darby appears, sets their rope on fire, accuses them of tricking him, and then suddenly turns into a regular badass because he starts wielding his magic like nobody's business. While the Rescue Rangers are confused by their host's sudden mood change, he summons a magical rope and squeezing them until either they confess, they die from lack of oxygen, or they projectile vomit all of their internal organs. Why Lucky didn't think of doing this to those little brats in his Lucky Charms commercial is never explained; I guess his contract won't allow it.<br />
<br />
And that's when we get our fade to black with dramatic music while cutting to commercial transition. Only when it's used here, it honest to god makes it look like the Rescue Rangers are losing consciousness. I <i>would</i> feel bad for the little guys except for the fact it sort of is their fault for trusting a freaking leprechaun in the first place. Even my cats would know better, and I've seen them eat bits of string off from the floor.<br />
<br />
Oh, and Darby? Maybe there's a<i> reason</i> why you don't have anyone to talk to. From the looks of it, you've done this before. You keep accusing your house guests of betraying you and then you strangle them to death. That would make anyone a bit lonely.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0C5xL4mIhw-YnzmGC3dXiq_u5s5zdJWWOIZZPXqM-dt3VRKXrexi7vaF0z-BwtNtSWT7Ouos87RHIFjSf_kPBslpphnMBl2iurJ_barUqE19uupAZNXzxoMOLx2eGvPVo1QaDTOzPyY4/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0C5xL4mIhw-YnzmGC3dXiq_u5s5zdJWWOIZZPXqM-dt3VRKXrexi7vaF0z-BwtNtSWT7Ouos87RHIFjSf_kPBslpphnMBl2iurJ_barUqE19uupAZNXzxoMOLx2eGvPVo1QaDTOzPyY4/s320/chipndaleleprechaun5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ut0iyOxp35Dxh5gEIXoQUhesDG_dupSTuR6UI7VZhdCLlSYat8w0c_QKlSM14jvuah20CBmTMYHFwc4vLQNMFzfGWNLoxQEAUwOQDUP1J0R1gB97gPMyG8OeZsrwxce4Y6GC-ECkjEI/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ut0iyOxp35Dxh5gEIXoQUhesDG_dupSTuR6UI7VZhdCLlSYat8w0c_QKlSM14jvuah20CBmTMYHFwc4vLQNMFzfGWNLoxQEAUwOQDUP1J0R1gB97gPMyG8OeZsrwxce4Y6GC-ECkjEI/s320/chipndaleleprechaun6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Suddenly I've gained a new respect for Darby.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, this won't be the first nor the last Disney Afternoon show that shows an impossible, seemingly bleak situation before it cuts to commercial, only to have a giant cop-out for the heroes to escape from said impossible situation once the commercials are over. In this episode's case, Darby's powers just happen to fizzle out right before any of our heroes slip into an oxygen-deprived coma and suffer from permanent brain damage.<br />
<br />
Also, Darby knew that his magic is losing its potency, and yet he <i>still</i> tried to use it as a weapon? I guess having the little leprechaun pull out a knife and hold it to Dale's throat while threatening the other three wouldn't be as leprechaun-ish as the magic rope of strangulation, but still.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnp40xas7s_C7gq_MP3SoYZTOma4rqFLkGGmQ7iEltuAObFhu1Qbwjje1hjIH6RVX40RpMNuzI_wyr7p24gYzsjF0giunVAFfLd_Cw3RjN8Zsh2mdLbrlVIx_prdAokNhn6CDvHFI7Iig/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnp40xas7s_C7gq_MP3SoYZTOma4rqFLkGGmQ7iEltuAObFhu1Qbwjje1hjIH6RVX40RpMNuzI_wyr7p24gYzsjF0giunVAFfLd_Cw3RjN8Zsh2mdLbrlVIx_prdAokNhn6CDvHFI7Iig/s320/chipndaleleprechaun7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Well, crap. I obviously didn't think this through."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Rescue Rangers, no doubt suddenly disturbed by Darby's murderous mood-swings, decide to get the hell out of there before the little psychopathic hobgoblin changes his mind and tries killing them again. Luckily, with Darby's magic almost gone, they can finally escape the lair (the Grand Hall has another exit that's normally sealed shut by magic) and end up back in the forest. Maybe now they can get to fixing that plane so they can actually get to finding Monterey Jack's ancestors in England. Come on, Disney, don't leave that plot thread hanging! <br />
<br />
However, that's when Darby, his fevered little brain suddenly using actual logic has regrets and realizes that he's been a bit of a dickweed to the Rescue Rangers. Why, those little rodents weren't a part of the banshee's plans after all! Boy, what a misunderstanding that nearly led to death. Darby feels so embarrassed. <br />
<br />
That's when he decides to run after him and tries to show that he's really on their side. Because I'm sure the Rescue Rangers will instantly forgive him for the whole "lying about magic gold, stranding them in a magic cave, and then nearly killing them" thing he did.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwr68X23_xVZe4JiR8fMdUmSwgQHpuIiSKSIHUYBVE9jWDkMNzv888skreYT98NHLwBGqD-oKgQ6D9T_iOl64DgZtVJk3Ubd_y9cl_Nu5qwwZTIJA0x27vXzDmbmW9sNIMBQfs5UeBL6o/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwr68X23_xVZe4JiR8fMdUmSwgQHpuIiSKSIHUYBVE9jWDkMNzv888skreYT98NHLwBGqD-oKgQ6D9T_iOl64DgZtVJk3Ubd_y9cl_Nu5qwwZTIJA0x27vXzDmbmW9sNIMBQfs5UeBL6o/s320/chipndaleleprechaun8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awww, it's so cute when he's murderously bipolar!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since it's been a while since we've last seen our actual villain (who, despite the events from earlier, is not Darby), we get to see a shadow carrying a pot of gold to one of the most ridiculously huge castles I've ever seen in a cartoon. A banshee's native habitat is a massive fortress that looks like a high-security penitentiary, apparently. Being inconspicuous is for wimps!<br />
<br />
This castle makes me wonder if everyone in the neighboring area just takes this whole thing in stride and just considers the occupant inside the massive Final Fantasy-esque dungeon to be a wee bit essentric and nothing more. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWn3eGCG8UhKTs390wH3038_rK4s4xSjZTnjJdKWC7dqaxRXaTgn0J4swWyZrsXjeS_mMx4Nx68CMYv54uq7VyGdkB84vmGwpa1sk4Zl2PzTUeFEZ7g9xM9k0QBtvf7pY7BYff0FGs43c/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWn3eGCG8UhKTs390wH3038_rK4s4xSjZTnjJdKWC7dqaxRXaTgn0J4swWyZrsXjeS_mMx4Nx68CMYv54uq7VyGdkB84vmGwpa1sk4Zl2PzTUeFEZ7g9xM9k0QBtvf7pY7BYff0FGs43c/s320/chipndaleleprechaun9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nice sense of scale there, layout artist.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And that's when we finally see our villain in something other than mysterious silhouette for once. I really like how this character, this ghastly beast of a woman with her nonsensical hairband and her giant Jem-styled hair and her gratuitous use of eyeshadow, confirms the fact that I am in fact watching a cartoon that was made in the 80's. That certainly was nice of Disney. <br />
<br />
With hair bigger than the state of New York, first thing our banshee woman does is talk to herself over how, at last, the gold of King Darby is hers! It's been a constantly proven fact that, when you turn evil, you become prone to narrating the absolute bloody obvious to yourself. I wonder if she shouts "At last! I have paid for my groceries <i>with my debit card</i>!" and starts cackling maniacally whenever she goes shopping.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaiBAyR6N7qJhqT7SSgU68Z9JEak7PEDg56GwxShy49dXtj1PGXHplVvpi0yDoj-EPJpRWvJ748Qhm0poA9qI4otmZfuA8CY8PrjHTfOseK9nWzaK8BHQ8bNQtqU-yvoe2_eWGuq3zhO8/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaiBAyR6N7qJhqT7SSgU68Z9JEak7PEDg56GwxShy49dXtj1PGXHplVvpi0yDoj-EPJpRWvJ748Qhm0poA9qI4otmZfuA8CY8PrjHTfOseK9nWzaK8BHQ8bNQtqU-yvoe2_eWGuq3zhO8/s320/chipndaleleprechaun10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There's nothing about this woman that <i>doesn't</i> scream 80's fashion.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And in case she gets bored with staring at a pot of gold while rubbing her hands in evil glee, she even has her own private mine that provides her with even more gold for her to gloat about. I wonder if she has her own money bin filled with gold nuggets and coins that she likes to swim in during her spare time. Uncle Scrooge is totally jealous.<br />
<br />
...does she actually spend the gold? It seems kind of bizarre that the chipmunks are essentially going to fight someone who suffers from compulsive hoarding, even if she <i>is</i> a banshee. Hell, if anything, that just makes her mental illness that much sadder. <br />
<br />
Oh, and the fact that the banshee has her own private mine should be a clue as to where the rest of the leprechauns went. Not to give away the plot or anything, mind.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjklYiYbzaVtYbAklj4IOKLtx226f5qKehQgLaSHuc5O34BF2BaHNBsEed5aMJr1WjsEXisI6-3MQCFmrq1pare_HdwvqBQwPSszGsYWhk0b5PgG5fs8LW0F0eq4BL6Ojv8Y1qmAzs_ENY/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjklYiYbzaVtYbAklj4IOKLtx226f5qKehQgLaSHuc5O34BF2BaHNBsEed5aMJr1WjsEXisI6-3MQCFmrq1pare_HdwvqBQwPSszGsYWhk0b5PgG5fs8LW0F0eq4BL6Ojv8Y1qmAzs_ENY/s320/chipndaleleprechaun11.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
After we journeyed into the psyche of an Irish fairy clearly suffering from an acute form of OCD, we then get to see another equally insane Irish fairy bother some talking animals, for Darby catches up to the Rescue Rangers and tries to act like that whole chipmunk-strangling incident never happened in hopes that he's dealing with animals with weak short term memories. Joke's on you, Darby, you Irish sociopath! You're dealing with Disney animals capable of human thought and speech here!<br />
<br />
...so wait. Do the Rescue Rangers actually speak English, or is what we're seeing here is being translated for human audiences? Because this scene where Darby is trying to be all palsy-walsy on the people he just tried to murder gets even more surreal if you picture them chittering like actual rodents. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3lOa7oqBiRGHAWEtQ-Jz0_iFQQss7yPX2i97PnCBkFuNQxHvMEmz7rOmbMNTRSwvvZQOku1g7wa-Hw7ggOkNswN2lPgw4CnTh4xVrM3NZUlQBFZ0Qf8hKqUHFZOBC4i08Acpu6oXWtyU/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3lOa7oqBiRGHAWEtQ-Jz0_iFQQss7yPX2i97PnCBkFuNQxHvMEmz7rOmbMNTRSwvvZQOku1g7wa-Hw7ggOkNswN2lPgw4CnTh4xVrM3NZUlQBFZ0Qf8hKqUHFZOBC4i08Acpu6oXWtyU/s320/chipndaleleprechaun12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh come on, don't let a little attempted murder get in the way of our friendship!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>He sees that they need a little more convincing. That's when he, err...does <i>this</i> to Dale. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4O7ghf2-NpDyWI0itxGpZ-GwDxSmhn2BiBvwPGfri2SpYyQA2YbSHP4nUU5_nZwgE3GOfjWp2uWF8rSnrPtBWj2PFmHoMBffkLaQpj1wDn8noTe4Xvu1z78yL3jO9jZOoBa2VuTrRdFc/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4O7ghf2-NpDyWI0itxGpZ-GwDxSmhn2BiBvwPGfri2SpYyQA2YbSHP4nUU5_nZwgE3GOfjWp2uWF8rSnrPtBWj2PFmHoMBffkLaQpj1wDn8noTe4Xvu1z78yL3jO9jZOoBa2VuTrRdFc/s320/chipndaleleprechaun13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yep, this is exactly what it looks like.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Yeeeeah. I'm not even going to attempt to describe this scene. Apparently Darby's trying to force Dale to capture him again, but the fact that Dale screams "Let go! I don't want you!" while the two of them are thrashing around on the ground makes this go into really creepy territory.<br />
<br />
Okay, in all honesty, I know this show has a pretty big following on the Internet. I know of the fanart. So why isn't Darby/Dale a popular ship? Just look at these two!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1-pvUnDaXp8xa6cxAN2uGV3dlrFsZfaY4mKdmglkIaWfZIVHpXfsPSV6oeaIJNdi87XQI-UGCHdp7jJRy8lKyYTAZe16m_xYE_O5VB3lOee7r1NITbxT2eOiylL-kwXTKR4QeuXVua7M/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1-pvUnDaXp8xa6cxAN2uGV3dlrFsZfaY4mKdmglkIaWfZIVHpXfsPSV6oeaIJNdi87XQI-UGCHdp7jJRy8lKyYTAZe16m_xYE_O5VB3lOee7r1NITbxT2eOiylL-kwXTKR4QeuXVua7M/s320/chipndaleleprechaun14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, I wish I could've seen the looks on the animators' faces when they heard just what they had to draw.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But here's the kicker. This somehow convinces everyone to go help the leprechaun, instead of the alternative, which is filing a restraining order against this asshole for violating their friend. Hey, I can understand. Everyone seems kind of afraid of Darby, and it's certainly better to appease the little rapist/murderer/abomination rather than to get on Darby's bad side again. They remember what happened in the Grand Hall. They remember how eager he was to strangle them all. <br />
<br />
Oh, and also because he said that he needs help getting his gold back, which causes Dale to remember his character flaw from a long time ago. You gotta love how Dale will easily sell out in exchange for a few gold pieces. Oh sure, Darby's a repulsive savage who can't keep his hands to himself, but gold!<br />
<br />
And Darby's eyes keep radically changing in style throughout this entire scene. I guess I'll just chock that up to "magic".<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeMfvngs7MYM4s0-4YCChMGfU8rKv03A1mT7MFfiXvVIX8jZo9LLOq7PS811VJWvkKe2R6CqXhbbvRIBXsn1A0jEhzcWsO73UkhTz6Lu2U6BitYluhZG9I1byHVNVl725hvoQGVt-j7yg/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeMfvngs7MYM4s0-4YCChMGfU8rKv03A1mT7MFfiXvVIX8jZo9LLOq7PS811VJWvkKe2R6CqXhbbvRIBXsn1A0jEhzcWsO73UkhTz6Lu2U6BitYluhZG9I1byHVNVl725hvoQGVt-j7yg/s320/chipndaleleprechaun15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who <i>wouldn't</i> trust that face?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So they enter the mansion (which is apparently really close by) through a conveniently sized hole in the wall and find the pot of gold just sitting on a pedestal within easy reach. <br />
<br />
Hey, that was easy! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHihis2fz6AMHko1JKbvdeyXHiXVnlIwKy-qbXkH4SfbLEUqbVIxMIcfBxn5pFzA-lrV5G789v_PD5WmNMnvFOXtZZhG4hdZF8swyX67rK3CgP480FaHIPjl_rpFAQDrbUybcc52RcmfE/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHihis2fz6AMHko1JKbvdeyXHiXVnlIwKy-qbXkH4SfbLEUqbVIxMIcfBxn5pFzA-lrV5G789v_PD5WmNMnvFOXtZZhG4hdZF8swyX67rK3CgP480FaHIPjl_rpFAQDrbUybcc52RcmfE/s320/chipndaleleprechaun16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'd better grab the only part of this pot that's not a part of the background!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>There's only one minor problem. Turns out gold is heavy (and here I was critiquing the banshee for stating the obvious) and chipmunks aren't known for their heavy lifting skills. Man, I bet Darby wishes he was in a cartoon where the main heroes are more human-sized right about now. <br />
<br />
I do love Chip's response to Dale vainly trying to drag away an entire pot of gold. Instead of flat out saying that he's being too greedy in a way that resembles the He-Man lessons at the end of each of their recycled animation-filled episodes, Chip just says "Dale, don't be a jerk!". <i>Classic</i>. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMBmGGv3ZKb6qnmaZthyb0crPOOhpljVqWm6J5Uf4eCgC8eneFb69vzIz862XyWl8QK81YuXeMfpFGzmvkUk9VyJff_nZ0-aFwBzQ7QodcbRJu68q0UhpSRpKEXki8W5jxe39-oLPM8Y4/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMBmGGv3ZKb6qnmaZthyb0crPOOhpljVqWm6J5Uf4eCgC8eneFb69vzIz862XyWl8QK81YuXeMfpFGzmvkUk9VyJff_nZ0-aFwBzQ7QodcbRJu68q0UhpSRpKEXki8W5jxe39-oLPM8Y4/s320/chipndaleleprechaun17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, get your own!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It isn't long for the old woman to catch them trying to steal her gold, and that's when she spins around like a top and turns into <i><b>this thing</b></i>. I...really have no words.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXjl-Kf2mnBkKSnV-U58m0MNg0Z-DI4nwmm1A8tbczGVYIm9nijRPxGSdxjhCPR93qL_KUf9oCBD9bUqW-6EAkk8-fEgolCPt6b9omzyM17eOYuzzdCR59qT2wVj1nOG6XGTu8x9Zy8fQ/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXjl-Kf2mnBkKSnV-U58m0MNg0Z-DI4nwmm1A8tbczGVYIm9nijRPxGSdxjhCPR93qL_KUf9oCBD9bUqW-6EAkk8-fEgolCPt6b9omzyM17eOYuzzdCR59qT2wVj1nOG6XGTu8x9Zy8fQ/s320/chipndaleleprechaun18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ahahahaha, WHAT.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Well, what do you know, that truly is the most ridiculous thing my eyes have ever seen, and I've seen a man get piranha DNA injected into his neck by half-naked shark mutants. I can understand doing something new to the long-established banshee lore in order to create a truly unique monster for your vermin-infested show, but for some reason, I can't seem to draw the conclusion between a fairy woman that screams when someone is about to die and some weird legless purple bat thing that's made up of like 90% hair. No doubt the real reason she needs her own gold mine constantly supplying her with money is because she spends most of her income on her rich, flowing locks. <br />
<br />
But mostly I must apologize to Ms. 80's Hair here, because it's just hard to be scared by a creature that insists on wearing her headband and mosh pit bracelets when she turns into her monster form.<br />
<br />
And, wouldn't you know it, the Queen of the Banshees can barf out laser doughnuts that can tear you to pieces. I love cartoons. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbAnVMrAQ6DScDQAFk1Hm7-1Zydieiu7sSCZeGa1xSjOFAudEiJ2AiNjjneWwps0-00rJj4_XHWUtxIAKdrLReffQOadUl0whsVGRqeQPhMogWTzQQ6TS6jcjCiiR73LyHD_EFglcsB3M/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbAnVMrAQ6DScDQAFk1Hm7-1Zydieiu7sSCZeGa1xSjOFAudEiJ2AiNjjneWwps0-00rJj4_XHWUtxIAKdrLReffQOadUl0whsVGRqeQPhMogWTzQQ6TS6jcjCiiR73LyHD_EFglcsB3M/s320/chipndaleleprechaun19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ZUBAT used SUPERSONIC!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While everyone is running away from her sonic death vomit, that's when the Queen of the Banshees gives some exposition.She tells Darby that for centuries, she's been hunting every last one of his people down until he was truly the last of the leprechauns, and now the Queen of the Banshees will be the wealthiest creature in Ireland!<br />
<br />
Uh, no offense, Ms. CrazyHair, but I think Darby kind of knows all of that. <i>He lived through it. </i>None of this exposition is really needed because we heard all of this from Darby in a previous scene.<i> </i>I wonder if she normally does this. I can just picture her in a college classroom during midterms.<br />
<br />
"Finally, after days of studying, I've approached this Midterm and used my ability to answer its puzzling multiple choice questions and its many short essay questions with ease! Now, teacher, I shall wait until I, Queen of the Banshees, gets at least a passing grade on this midterm on account it's a third of this class's grade!" <br />
<br />
And then she spits out doughnut lasers. Because banshee.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOQ8X23LbetH7J0VvJQv4WV9PJVLMZGlLk9YM6unWTQqwlq012RDtmNFIq4n361PQDTpttZUz1t1pDkmSo5_JmJV2_MVNiaVO5axix1MjqhD9haFap0HZSR0PaeWdHl3tvI0iUNZaTvf0/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOQ8X23LbetH7J0VvJQv4WV9PJVLMZGlLk9YM6unWTQqwlq012RDtmNFIq4n361PQDTpttZUz1t1pDkmSo5_JmJV2_MVNiaVO5axix1MjqhD9haFap0HZSR0PaeWdHl3tvI0iUNZaTvf0/s320/chipndaleleprechaun20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She may be a terrifying bat woman, but inside that leathery exterior beats the heart of a <i>rocker</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So the heroes run around aimlessly in the cartoon's first action sequence and everyone avoids banshee laser beams while crap is blowing up around them (hey, good job destroying your possessions, banshee lady!) until Darby and Dale hide behind the pot. Oh god, they're alone together. Darby's going to mount Dale again and turn this into a smut film, isn't he? Have you no decency, cartoon? Must you shove your bizarre little people fetish onto the poor unsuspecting viewers?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTDlLOW65NvBng9lIDsaOf1LdPhEtp3L5Qoc4WaRd4_1ToEqZBQlDj8Gs28EJPiGv_BSAqNwg5UgImBBNsIrvKiZwCWLuVKkchO1PzcsnLnPxa2SOTbocQZZeMAWqtLGzAvXYt_taVUAA/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun21.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTDlLOW65NvBng9lIDsaOf1LdPhEtp3L5Qoc4WaRd4_1ToEqZBQlDj8Gs28EJPiGv_BSAqNwg5UgImBBNsIrvKiZwCWLuVKkchO1PzcsnLnPxa2SOTbocQZZeMAWqtLGzAvXYt_taVUAA/s320/chipndaleleprechaun21.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Actually, no. Darby's not going to shove his magic lucky charms into Dale's pot of gold. Instead, Darby turns Dale into the King of the Leprechauns in order to punish him for being greedy. I love that, at one point in time, someone seriously had to write "Dale turns into the King of the Leprechauns" and get paid to do it. Sure, Darkwing Duck has his gas gun and his more interesting villain roster, but when was he ever King of the Leprechauns?<br />
<br />
Now, before you think that some transformation occurred where Dale suddenly mutated into an awkward-looking mini-human like Darby, all the leprechaun did was switch clothes. The cartoon even does a little lampshade hanging, because notice that Darby only switches all of his clothes from the waistline up. This is one of the few times that a cartoon with pantless characters has actually drawn attention to the fact that the characters don't wear pants. It's pretty surreal and raises too many questions.<br />
<br />
And why the hell does Darby need Dale's shirt? He just can't get enough of that sexy rodent, can he?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEily2FmMEgF971lsnZ7jm8gqvpCERXepoC9qcROglSAv3teZfz4Y2t4mxj-ZF3tV3Mxqd1-D-vQtRskbnYuS3PsZ6WLVNhV7rtqqCKDnDkA6umy0khevZIMOAENk_weewyzQb5VTtic-Vs/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEily2FmMEgF971lsnZ7jm8gqvpCERXepoC9qcROglSAv3teZfz4Y2t4mxj-ZF3tV3Mxqd1-D-vQtRskbnYuS3PsZ6WLVNhV7rtqqCKDnDkA6umy0khevZIMOAENk_weewyzQb5VTtic-Vs/s320/chipndaleleprechaun22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Say, Dale, can I also have a lock of your fur? It's for safekeeping."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As expected, it's right when they make the switch that the banshee woman grabs Dale. And, probably because banshees have incredibly poor eyesight and think that chipmunks and leprechauns look like the same damn thing, she is fully convinced that she's finally captured Darby. So, to celebrate her victory, she opens up a trap door in the middle of the room and throws Dale down to what looks like the pits of hell. It's a sight so appalling that the cartoon temporarily loses consciousness and fades to commercial. <br />
<br />
Also, I'd like to see how the hell a house the size of Alcatraz Island can comfortably sit on top of a goddamn gold mine. Something seems amiss here. Maybe one of the reasons we never got to see more than one room of the banshee's lovely manor is because half of her rooms have already sunk beneath the earth and are now cavernous pits that belch out noxious fumes. Banshee Queen's lost more broom closets that way. <br />
<br />
And wait a second, if the banshee's been doing this for centuries, <i>why was the horse and all of those animals only started leaving a couple hours ago</i>? Witchery's been afoot for a long time now!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0yEIqGbDp0L-WoNkedSwAP0EzldA6Tlm4ooMDtqx9R4KSu4F20RXpDRhQGO-fPOWrtwACq-VdgfY1crTY3hjy3qtXLqEMCt27UvxzwKVXSbCmt9_zzzOiLXhOnHCmUc2Uu8Ohb30EnBQ/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0yEIqGbDp0L-WoNkedSwAP0EzldA6Tlm4ooMDtqx9R4KSu4F20RXpDRhQGO-fPOWrtwACq-VdgfY1crTY3hjy3qtXLqEMCt27UvxzwKVXSbCmt9_zzzOiLXhOnHCmUc2Uu8Ohb30EnBQ/s320/chipndaleleprechaun23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wonder if they just reuse the same piece of animation whenever Dale falls off of something.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Back at ground level, the rescue rangers are understandably pretty pissed by what has just occurred (and for all we know, they probably think that Dale is dead now, since that pit didn't have a visible bottom) and confront Darby about it. That's when he raps with them and tells them that he sort of kind of gave his clothes to their coworker so that the banshee queen wouldn't capture him and throw her in her giant gold mine, where he will slave away for eternity. Who the hell's going to miss one chipmunk anyways? Even if Darby's into bestiality, you gotta admire his honesty. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjifZ4-UJMRJaD4nXdLnSi_za9admRi9YwGSGWibCXeS_LWcK96bO7wz1BEv4bg_kzRnaKZZg8SlixQvOHZgipWwUdFNHkG7xCRp0mTrL6yBtcppRjdXfNtnd-gNgbsGs9lYbtBpGHTNZ8/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjifZ4-UJMRJaD4nXdLnSi_za9admRi9YwGSGWibCXeS_LWcK96bO7wz1BEv4bg_kzRnaKZZg8SlixQvOHZgipWwUdFNHkG7xCRp0mTrL6yBtcppRjdXfNtnd-gNgbsGs9lYbtBpGHTNZ8/s320/chipndaleleprechaun24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Alright, Shortie. Spill the beans. You're in league with the Keebler Elves, aren't you?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So how can they help Dale? Well, they're going to need the asshole's magic back, but the only way they can recharge his magical batteries is if they hide the gold before sunrise. Otherwise, his magic will be gone forever, leprechaun magic will cease to exist, and Lucky Charms will have to change their tagline to just "They're normally delicious!". <br />
<br />
Then Gadget, tired of just standing around, actually says a pretty cool line. She describes moving the pot of gold using only their grubby little rodent paws as "Improbable". When Monty tries to correct her by saying that she really meant "impossible", she gets all indignant and says "Of course not Monty, nothing's impossible". It's a great line, even if it's completely false. Sure, Gadget. Nothing's impossible. Then why is it that when I'm willing myself to shoot lasers from my eyes in order to smite my enemies from afar, nothing's happening?<br />
<br />
Minor complaints aside, I do like that the last couple of screenshots are basically "angry as hell vermin about ready to beat the crap out of a leprechaun". Disney has brought good into the world.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKm7FgZkRfNT9Xqs0qcJ3MKkib9sItZWzg4ZqOzIMj7ocp1oV72bC0_-9K__Piylbje2IedexpwE86XuYeG86FkuZFo4ZYDGTmZW3ILr9-MsCjDMtm5hyV04XHmPMYBRFEHb7rVKmBrHU/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKm7FgZkRfNT9Xqs0qcJ3MKkib9sItZWzg4ZqOzIMj7ocp1oV72bC0_-9K__Piylbje2IedexpwE86XuYeG86FkuZFo4ZYDGTmZW3ILr9-MsCjDMtm5hyV04XHmPMYBRFEHb7rVKmBrHU/s320/chipndaleleprechaun25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To be fair, his face <i>does</i> look pretty punchable.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After that bout of exposition, we cut back to Dale, who is somehow still alive despite surrounded in dangerously high temperatures and the five story fall. But steamy lines and the glowing fires of hell are not all there is to greet our furry little companion, for also down in the gold mines is all of the leprechauns the banshee has collected. Hooray for both cinematic payoff and cheap labor!<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I have a lot of problems with this setup. So basically this cartoon is telling me that every single leprechaun on planet Earth in the Chip and Dale universe was collected and placed in a gold mine in Ireland, where they slaved away for centuries without once seeing the light of the sun or feeling the wind on their skin. That's pretty grim. Yeah, sure, leprechauns are totally real; they've just been enslaved by a terrifying bat monster that can scream out lasers that can rip them in half! Happy St. Patrick's Day, kids! <br />
<br />
But mostly, I have some major questions about that gold mine. Now, I did some research (ie. I googled it), and turns out there <i>are</i> gold mines in Ireland, but this is still a pretty big stretch to say that there's a gold mine with enough gold to last for centuries (even if the laborers are about chipmunk-sized, they're immortal, which means they can work at least five times as hard) that's just completely hidden underneath this old castle. So what, no one else has discovered this gold mine? Even if this was made in the late 80's, I'm sure by now, science has advanced to the point where humanity would've discovered the uncharted gold mine filled with untold riches and little enslaved Keebler Elves.<br />
<br />
But more importantly, if the Queen of the Banshees is just living right next to a gold mine, why doesn't she<i> sell </i>the mine off to the humans and make more money than she ever could just having the gold? She could set her own price and everything. For a story about leprechauns and mice that build planes out of bleach bottles, this plot doesn't make much sense.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNWcwiHaMRALfjZw7XYX3PFYzzHn09yIpIeeSIkBnqIOB6zXazkFjVevCFT2H3_rQXcV2oDqgYHjqUuzXjQSeL1bz1bryt9VOved4cfBSSigdIjgCGSIxaIthpa-V2qf4wSj8Nis3TMNo/s1600/chipndaleleprechaun26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNWcwiHaMRALfjZw7XYX3PFYzzHn09yIpIeeSIkBnqIOB6zXazkFjVevCFT2H3_rQXcV2oDqgYHjqUuzXjQSeL1bz1bryt9VOved4cfBSSigdIjgCGSIxaIthpa-V2qf4wSj8Nis3TMNo/s320/chipndaleleprechaun26.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Celtic mythology is oddly materialistic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But back to more important matters. While the flea-infested little pest is collecting gold nuggets and getting used to the life of the miner, he has an idea. Why, if they take pieces of gold, pound them into thin sheets, and attach them all together, they can create something that can reflect the banshee's scream back at her. <br />
<br />
Sooo...the leprechauns were trapped in that mine for centuries and <i>no one thought of this plan</i>? The chipmunk thought of this idea after just a couple minutes! Boy, I bet every leprechaun in that really deep hole is feeling pretty stupid right about now...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRZzwMBqkU7ve3fJB3lkigHu5gYF3CH8tZg7b6KQQlP-KtKOPUtcA5L-PDx6_U9QWd1a7yfW36qIVbBFwacV_jPgxcB-_qdy5GPtjOo4gO-5qJer2SlZ6iGcPPTUL6KCkqAyl6imrzUuo/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRZzwMBqkU7ve3fJB3lkigHu5gYF3CH8tZg7b6KQQlP-KtKOPUtcA5L-PDx6_U9QWd1a7yfW36qIVbBFwacV_jPgxcB-_qdy5GPtjOo4gO-5qJer2SlZ6iGcPPTUL6KCkqAyl6imrzUuo/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"All those wasted centuries..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, the other Rescue Rangers are raiding the banshee's shed (because just because she's a demon woman that can live for centuries doesn't mean she's exempt from yard work) in search of items that can move a pot of gold. It doesn't take long for them to open a cabinet and discover all of the banshee's stored fireworks. Yes, fireworks. The Queen of the Banshees, a terrifying immortal creature that has made it her life mission to turn every last leprechaun into her personal slave, has fireworks just lying around her house. What the crap. What, was she going to use them to celebrate the fact that she captured all of the leprechauns like a real Pokémon Master?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpWKBZFEe6P9PHsXupPtnEC3M8nLb9KDa824cKww6al_oXDFnF-0mAj6w4yRiLWDo1dpcrRD4OfMw0r4l61KLcdOdWr4y4dSbKq2JhfX7ekpv-IrtlbTQ1gIi6eyyuk7EmCFmUN9w-nVs/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpWKBZFEe6P9PHsXupPtnEC3M8nLb9KDa824cKww6al_oXDFnF-0mAj6w4yRiLWDo1dpcrRD4OfMw0r4l61KLcdOdWr4y4dSbKq2JhfX7ekpv-IrtlbTQ1gIi6eyyuk7EmCFmUN9w-nVs/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And that's when Zipper accidentally dropped his cigarette and killed them all.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That's when we enter the part of the cartoon that I like to call "The Finale With Lots of Back-And-Forth Cuts". As that unwieldy name should signify, what with the Rescue Rangers being effectively split up, all of the scenes are set up where we get a couple seconds of Group A and then a couple seconds of Group B so that we see both plans going into fruition at the same time. It creates a kind of neat effect, because it's basically letting us know that a bunch of crap is going down within the same time frame. I just wish they somehow worked in what the banshee was doing so that, while Gadget's setting up fireworks and while Dale is dicking around with gold sheets, we get to see whether the banshee is blow-drying her hair, making a delicious quiche, or taking a nap.<br />
<br />
With that being said, it means we go back to the mines again, and see the giant plate of gold. This scene barely lasts a couple seconds and only exists to show that the leprechauns did indeed follow orders, so I'm not sure why they even bothered. I guess otherwise, I would've been eaten alive with worry as to whether Dale's suggestion was accepted by his fellow miners or if his voice of dissension was quickly squelched (like other voices in the past) and the leprechauns continued with their lives.<br />
<br />
This scene was also extremely dark and hazy for some reason. I know it's a mine, but I don't go into a cartoon expecting realistic lighting. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1xBlo6VnysQmfP0Y0oZWLAldyk71pdr_imhgOWjXpjeJBOoPHWSB72kZWGvo_14VK7gDQsmHE9TLSzS1E7slKubTLyuZh-OOBBInRPxoLHQM1FfH-XEP1X6Wd-rhKZXrSMcHE9s3rgwk/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1xBlo6VnysQmfP0Y0oZWLAldyk71pdr_imhgOWjXpjeJBOoPHWSB72kZWGvo_14VK7gDQsmHE9TLSzS1E7slKubTLyuZh-OOBBInRPxoLHQM1FfH-XEP1X6Wd-rhKZXrSMcHE9s3rgwk/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's sort of like one of those Magic Eye puzzles in a way.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While Dale is building the most expensive trap ever, his friends managed to rig up some rocket skis for the pot of gold, using the same skills that The Professor possessed in Gilligan's Island (only with a lot less use of coconuts). And, despite the fact that the banshee had a whole pile of firecrackers just lying around, they only thought to bring<i> two</i> of them. I'm a little disappointed that, instead of playing it safe and only stealing a few of the explosives, they didn't attach <i>all</i> of the rockets to their contraption and create something that can legitimately blow up half of the banshee's house and part of the surrounding country. That'll show her!<br />
<br />
After they manage to get the pot of gold on the skis, (and don't ask how it stays in place or how none of the gold pieces fall out; I'm assuming the pot is sentient and is going to cooperate with the little furballs magically) they decide to lay out the plans. Apparently Monterey Jack is going to be the unlucky asshole riding on this death trap, probably because he lost at nose goes. Don't worry, folks. Thanks to contractual immunity, he'll live. <br />
<br />
Also, I feel bad, but I actually had to pause this cartoon just to see if I could recognize the painting in the background. I couldn't, but now I can't help but wonder what other rare pieces of art the banshee has in her collection. Wealth isn't just measured in gold, you know.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii00RoUSLjy2MP1JgZRHz1Ew6K8QhHSuEfyEZB6a9VeYkTXeqI8PugdQazVytZzd-uOA7XP4QJDEDJVHHQRY8Q5Jm8e3LX67tWLSKuD2bEHmWkwnEmwr0oiJMtqGXcrC_ruDsXqrxhmAc/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii00RoUSLjy2MP1JgZRHz1Ew6K8QhHSuEfyEZB6a9VeYkTXeqI8PugdQazVytZzd-uOA7XP4QJDEDJVHHQRY8Q5Jm8e3LX67tWLSKuD2bEHmWkwnEmwr0oiJMtqGXcrC_ruDsXqrxhmAc/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wonder, in a world where all rodents are this sentient and are capable of building rocket skis, <br />
do they still fall for mouse traps and rat poison?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So two things happen at once during this climax. First, the banshee falls for Dale's trap, which happens to be a solid gold sousaphone that can somehow reflect banshee screams, and the leprechauns are all able to escape. <br />
<br />
It is here that we see the entire population of all the leprechauns the banshee has captured throughout the centuries, which about twenty people. I know a crowd of several hundred independently moving people would be hard to animate, but this is still a little depressing. That gold mine must be littered with the tiny skeletons of leprechauns that died from exhaustion, and a race made up of only males can't really replenish their numbers. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm-b2tquI3YJnBb8TT4fX1imrADhP-xrnxj0A0_sQNB0R7-00jp4EZysTqotptD4gkYuJ3D8xFUu7wnxQADFQ5cJYgpbjSDI8GF1rFW1WIc0Z3sexsON511TMimqsE1SgFd7l_ZY22vz0/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm-b2tquI3YJnBb8TT4fX1imrADhP-xrnxj0A0_sQNB0R7-00jp4EZysTqotptD4gkYuJ3D8xFUu7wnxQADFQ5cJYgpbjSDI8GF1rFW1WIc0Z3sexsON511TMimqsE1SgFd7l_ZY22vz0/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Eat brass instrument, demon!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While the banshee is getting a taste of her own medicine, Monterey Jack shoots into the stratosphere, explodes, and dies a horrible, fiery death.<br />
<br />
No, I'm just kidding. He "safely" lands in a tree completely unharmed, and the fireworks harmlessly blew up in the forests somewhere. Some branches broke his fall, and he "softly" landed on solid gold coins.<br />
<br />
...as you can probably tell from my sarcasm, I'm finding these events totally hard to believe.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxze4tPIl9-roDwnaLB1_47m7r4jZVKqw95RCPcmgyobMLMI5qkg9CzvTeAJeCfhK0SAJR4LSH2EvZB0dqmHD-2GSZs_jjW4Nh2wR8TVDIncpPcsYEmmNSDQUMUneIwPYzgwtRoS2o0rk/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxze4tPIl9-roDwnaLB1_47m7r4jZVKqw95RCPcmgyobMLMI5qkg9CzvTeAJeCfhK0SAJR4LSH2EvZB0dqmHD-2GSZs_jjW4Nh2wR8TVDIncpPcsYEmmNSDQUMUneIwPYzgwtRoS2o0rk/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't know about you, but a mouse can totally survive this!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The leprechauns face off against the banshee, but without their magic, they have to resort to just standing around, holding their hands in a spell-casting pose, and looking fierce in hopes that the banshee won't call their bluff and attack them before Monterey Jack hides the gold. You see, they kind of forgot to point this out, but apparently the leprechauns' magic is connected to Darby somehow. If Darby lacks his magic, all of the leprechauns lack magic. <br />
<br />
...which makes no sense, seeing as how up until when his pot got stolen, Darby was as magically delicious as a fresh bowl of marshmallow-filled cereal, and that means that all of the leprechauns in the mines had access to all of their magic and were magical for centuries. And yet they still chose not to do anything about the banshee. <br />
<br />
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the laziest supernatural beings in the history of the entire planet. They have the powers to levitate musical instruments, but if someone captures them, they're just going to sit around with their thumbs up their asses until a chipmunk does all the thinking for them.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9TqHyC1acpmxMJyHDXfA_-qFAl6S97udcVNuAMyMmMZ80zwhci4cqeEjNfKbBYB2Wa3VyOUVOyNDM41xKXuZGlTU0pfE9Z76X8RPc5Wd_d-d1huswJW1JA3ljKPbCSMkq5480diX2jlc/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9TqHyC1acpmxMJyHDXfA_-qFAl6S97udcVNuAMyMmMZ80zwhci4cqeEjNfKbBYB2Wa3VyOUVOyNDM41xKXuZGlTU0pfE9Z76X8RPc5Wd_d-d1huswJW1JA3ljKPbCSMkq5480diX2jlc/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Insult fudge stripe cookies and Rice Krispies, will you?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That's when the pot of gold gets hidden, it shoots out a rainbow that cloaks the little munchkins in a heavenly colorful light, and that's when they use the Care Bear Stare.<br />
<br />
And that's how I learned the meaning of St. Patrick's Day.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeJO5E3xDK8jYVzTJxuGWKQ2BirCL0sW66opT-di5PJqCrswSGxm9G7VDd8GADuYE-CzZp9_qMTWhOXqe8MwJ9wS0qevBjZUUrWVACjYxKsPHiamfb56YI17s4fUjVLK13yZWPmhaGrrI/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeJO5E3xDK8jYVzTJxuGWKQ2BirCL0sW66opT-di5PJqCrswSGxm9G7VDd8GADuYE-CzZp9_qMTWhOXqe8MwJ9wS0qevBjZUUrWVACjYxKsPHiamfb56YI17s4fUjVLK13yZWPmhaGrrI/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhQlS1kRpfm9ewA6PiJ_JrU289-0DamdJW_iyElur4ntH0Bjk-Sbv6qW9z3I2XwjWSzpLg3mOuCYEr51VgSHCjp5F7qeHBnMP5JgEiFTyTHztYvfx3gPTgVgXhBl2E66jo0OVyxIfXks0/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhQlS1kRpfm9ewA6PiJ_JrU289-0DamdJW_iyElur4ntH0Bjk-Sbv6qW9z3I2XwjWSzpLg3mOuCYEr51VgSHCjp5F7qeHBnMP5JgEiFTyTHztYvfx3gPTgVgXhBl2E66jo0OVyxIfXks0/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The only reason Nelvana didn't take legal action is because Disney's lawyers are too powerful.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Then Gadget, fed up with just sitting around and doing nothing for most of the episode like she normally does, uses a knife and a chandelier to send the banshee to her very own gold mine. So, in the end, what really defeated the banshee was not Dale and not the leprechauns, but a person the banshee never really bothered with. Huh.<br />
<br />
And while this does sound like they're setting up the banshee to get a taste of her own medicine by working in the very place she made her slaves work, I'm pretty sure the banshee <i>died</i>. For one, she fell in a Disney production; that's shorthand for death in these situations. Second, we never hear the banshee hit anything when she falls in her gold mine, and you clearly see the chandelier enter one of the fire-filled cracks scattered throughout the mine. I'm sure somewhere, in some animation studio in Korea, there's some cut footage of the banshee screaming in agony while lava melts all the flesh off her bones, sort of like Crocomire from Super Metroid.<br />
<br />
But here's a chilling thought. This villain was the Queen of the Banshees. So, I'm guessing the rest of the banshees are not going to care one bit that the leprechauns slayed their ruler, right? We saw how the leprechauns handled one banshee; (ie, they let themselves get captured and they waited for centuries until some mortal solved their dilemma for them) let's see them handle the entire race of banshee, now pissed off and baying for vengeance. <br />
<br />
Well, it was nice knowing Darby and the rest of the leprechauns. I'll be sure to put flowers on their inevitable mass grave.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2dgJZdKY88p5_fyFonqKpYQv4xHZHO4ZdfKXCjRvMH4WTJtHgkbL4v2mRtCfY8MAraJKuV1r1XCJzy_rMo072K3Yp1y9xgMogD_T1vKelyzkUlSJRPzhRUhrCRfAR1vEHqeRfThJFS2U/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2dgJZdKY88p5_fyFonqKpYQv4xHZHO4ZdfKXCjRvMH4WTJtHgkbL4v2mRtCfY8MAraJKuV1r1XCJzy_rMo072K3Yp1y9xgMogD_T1vKelyzkUlSJRPzhRUhrCRfAR1vEHqeRfThJFS2U/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKLli71x2d2BYUFs_qtKsZ8hZ_iMuyUm3TkSbLQjdZpoHzt-iQpfBsYeZou5GFkODHMfL9gSPXsn_LtHBUN1BE9DsIXLqgaFihV2PZB7KAJFJsaNqrUYtfEui5pWT3cmstTmE9XUDAo68/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKLli71x2d2BYUFs_qtKsZ8hZ_iMuyUm3TkSbLQjdZpoHzt-iQpfBsYeZou5GFkODHMfL9gSPXsn_LtHBUN1BE9DsIXLqgaFihV2PZB7KAJFJsaNqrUYtfEui5pWT3cmstTmE9XUDAo68/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That <i>hair. </i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>So everything looks about wrapped up. Darby hugs his friends, which is an event so happy that it conjures a magic shamrock in the air, he gets his clothes back from Dale, and the Grand Hall of the Leprechauns is once more filled with his subjects. Man, if the King of the Leprechauns wasn't such an asshole throughout this entire episode, maybe I'd be more moved by this plot development. I mean, for all we know, the Rescue Rangers probably made things even worse by unleashing Darby's folk on the poor unsuspecting people of Ireland and the banshee was doing the world a favor!<br />
<br />
By the way, am I the only one wondering what the hell happens to that really nice castle the banshee used to own? She's not going to need all of her shiny paintings and giant gold nuggets now that she's dead. The Grand Hall could use a bit sprucing up, after all. Hell, they could live in the castle! I mean, which is a better place to live in; a giant hole in the ground, or some sort of grand chateau with thousands upon thousands of rooms and your very own gold mine?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirev2mVIiGmUXKsFv4IXWxCROAmFGPwq9qR97ZusRrZCGXaS2jLFiP_sWizyD7JO5BVA8OreY5QvXHOwK94oqFFv7cfhEr_RZUK9YdwYJZ8vW-Qq9bOfLmq6vKwHZ7O3ekC2BsJna2TKc/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirev2mVIiGmUXKsFv4IXWxCROAmFGPwq9qR97ZusRrZCGXaS2jLFiP_sWizyD7JO5BVA8OreY5QvXHOwK94oqFFv7cfhEr_RZUK9YdwYJZ8vW-Qq9bOfLmq6vKwHZ7O3ekC2BsJna2TKc/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At least he didn't jump on that one leprechaun and start riding him like what he likes to do with Dale.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, just in case you were wondering what the Rescue Rangers' reward is, turns out the leprechauns fixed the plane. Yeah, sure, I guess that's a good reward. Too bad the leprechauns couldn't add a gold nugget or two (not too much so the plane can't fly, but just enough to make a decent reward) on top of that, since they did sort of kind of save them from centuries of hard labor.<br />
<br />
I will admit, though, that bow is kind of cute. I bet Darby had a shamrock-looking ribbon just lying around for all of these years, collecting dust in his Grand Hall, waiting for the time when some mortal helps his people.<br />
<br />
...wait a second. Why didn't Darby and the leprechauns use their magic to turn the Ranger Plane into some magical vehicle with the most comfortable seats, the best armor available to chipmunk-kind, and built-in radios so that the flights won't be as boring? Man, the Rescue Rangers really got ripped off now that I think about it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpE6MUbM9oDIZYpM91O2_nlLNzykHhjJh5Uix5NKLtXNP07ZY5zgVuVjtgidPiD-cz9Me_IC38lgB_iAHMGbNhLeY1kakHsNYu-Vr_oQrx6U5UDzf0LMsxdYyttH33H6Xv9pe-jyGFUUQ/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpE6MUbM9oDIZYpM91O2_nlLNzykHhjJh5Uix5NKLtXNP07ZY5zgVuVjtgidPiD-cz9Me_IC38lgB_iAHMGbNhLeY1kakHsNYu-Vr_oQrx6U5UDzf0LMsxdYyttH33H6Xv9pe-jyGFUUQ/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Thank you for saving my entire race of people. As a reward, I'm just going to fix something <br />
you nearly had fixed already and do nothing more. Hugs and kisses, Darby."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And so our story concludes with the Rescue Rangers letting us know what the lesson for today is (don't be greedy) without any trace of subtlety while Dale craps on any character development he received in this episode by saying that silver is where the real money is, which causes Chip to shove the shamrock bow into his mouth in a vain attempt to choke his brother to death. Oh, Dale. Don't ever change.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI4dzrbvt8e90GDm1Y0fp7LFr6TFaeiXabRV1YSRtrxHnVulDLfb-8IJJIFLDOCvfb4sRlQTNXqeylW7NN44MqbhSuglaAQ5KMJaRep5Gl-7DKEarLepeK_rT7vZ2y07QGU1xs6YVkqqA/s1600/chipanddaleleprechaun13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI4dzrbvt8e90GDm1Y0fp7LFr6TFaeiXabRV1YSRtrxHnVulDLfb-8IJJIFLDOCvfb4sRlQTNXqeylW7NN44MqbhSuglaAQ5KMJaRep5Gl-7DKEarLepeK_rT7vZ2y07QGU1xs6YVkqqA/s320/chipanddaleleprechaun13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Silver's where the real money is because there's a lot less scary, mythical creatures attached to that precious metal!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And with Dale proving that you really can't teach animals that live for only three years in the wild new tricks, let us conclude this venture into leprechaunland and take note of everything that St. Patrick's Day is really about, all while forgetting the fact that Monterey Jack never got to find his roots in England and, from the looks of it, the Rescue Rangers are just going to fly back home. Ah well. C'est la vie. <br />
<br />
<hr /><span style="color: black;"><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Leprechauns are easily exploitable and are very affordable forms of labor.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
<u>The Good</u><br />
*The animation is really good. This is a Disney Afternoon show so I wouldn't ask for anything less, but there are some really great moments with lots of overlap in this episode.<br />
*Even though Dale's the character out of the group with the episodic character flaw, they don't do it in a way that's annoying. Greedy Dale makes for some funny jokes and doesn't wear on the nerves.<br />
*The other Rescue Rangers are not annoying and everyone has their moment to shine.<br />
*The Banshee was suitably terrifying. But mostly I'm talking about that scream. You could kill babies with that sound effect. Seriously.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Bad</u><br />
*</span><span style="color: black;">"Look! Shamrocks! We must be in Ireland!" <br />
*Darby, at times, is animated creepily, and on top of that, he can get a little annoying.<br />
*Banshee is a one-dimensional villain and is completely uninteresting. <br />
*So many fake Irish accents....so many...<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Final Decision</u><br />
This is a pretty solid episode. It's not terrible, and it's not the best episode in the entire show, but it's passable and makes for decent entertainment.<br />
<br />
I do like this episode a lot better than Chocolate Chips, but I don't have much more to say beyond that. This is one of those episodes that every show has where everything works, but there's nothing mind-blowingly spectacular that keeps me coming back. <br />
<br />
Which isn't to say this is a bad episode. It's purely there to show me what would happen if the Rescue Rangers encountered leprechauns, and for that, I say that they did their job well. <br />
<br />
I just wish there was more drinking or more corn beef and cabbage-eating in this episode. For god's sakes, they were in Ireland! <br />
</span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-6560398441297249012012-03-14T09:45:00.932-07:002012-04-23T19:08:47.653-07:00Bubsy: The Animated Series PilotI apologize deeply for this post. In fact, I feel bad about myself and my life choices for even mentioning this cartoon's existence. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw4EJttqFl7RFLsxC9NLzObPT8vsD0F1U3O7_ZHCue6VrjBv-fQVGMP1n1R61Rq3n3npkuhVJQQ67LXf16teeeYTYw3dybpDLULbhjU1IaK33DGwj9GiWE6Wwi8tllQMRv1RSu0cPR3yQ/s1600/bubsy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="302" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw4EJttqFl7RFLsxC9NLzObPT8vsD0F1U3O7_ZHCue6VrjBv-fQVGMP1n1R61Rq3n3npkuhVJQQ67LXf16teeeYTYw3dybpDLULbhjU1IaK33DGwj9GiWE6Wwi8tllQMRv1RSu0cPR3yQ/s400/bubsy.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He perfected the Dreamworks face before Dreamworks even started making CGI films.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It's been a while since I talked about an animated adaptation of a video game. There's just something charming about watching a company try to translate my experiences with my various game consoles (minus the swearing, controller-throwing, the unfair deaths, and the uncontrollable sobbing) into something I can watch after I'm done playing said game. One of the reasons I like to talk about Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog so much is because, at one point in my childhood, I was living a life where I was playing Sonic games and playing with Sonic toys and then watching Sonic cartoons and chewing Sonic bubble gum and later reading Sonic comics. Pity me, fair readers, for I was the little marionette gleefully pulled by the strings by SEGA's skilled puppetmaster hands. They had me by the ovaries and they would not rest until they squeezed every penny out of my parents' wallets in order to keep their little girl's hedgehog fix satiated. <br />
<br />
And ironically, now I'm on Team Mario as far as mascot platformer games are concerned and honestly don't give a crap whenever a Sonic game comes out now. Suck on <i>that</i>, 16-bit console wars!<br />
<br />
But let's suppose, for a second, that instead of talking about a video game that everybody with a Genesis loved and cherished as a kid (Sonic the Hedgehog) or a video game that, while isn't very well-known, is at least extremely imaginative in its design and offers games that remain very solid examples of the platformer genre (Rayman), I'm going to talk about the only video game that both managed to both appear on the Wiki page innocently titled "List of video games notable for negative reception" and managed to get his own pilot. Bubsy the Bobcat. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb9OYYhayxEkSt1z9ka2p00hw9kZ04J38WeNDZuzd-GWevfjd-Ajjr2nrfzhiRZBLuAaZ1jMr8v7Hv0jORewjcKvIAU1Bm5fm4PwXsQwVqN_Sam6s0MMVRS0VBSSxCSPXA-nh3OV7Pbfg/s1600/bubsy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="341" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb9OYYhayxEkSt1z9ka2p00hw9kZ04J38WeNDZuzd-GWevfjd-Ajjr2nrfzhiRZBLuAaZ1jMr8v7Hv0jORewjcKvIAU1Bm5fm4PwXsQwVqN_Sam6s0MMVRS0VBSSxCSPXA-nh3OV7Pbfg/s400/bubsy1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Unpopular opinion time. I actually like this game.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Bubsy the Bobcat is not really a bobcat at all. Instead, he's a copycat; a shameless attempt by a company to drink some of the sweet milk leaking from the swollen teats of Sonic the Hedgehog's cash cow. The platformer genre of the 16-bit era, especially for the Sega Genesis, were just infested with creatures like Bubsy, eager to gain a piece of that scrumptious mascot pie. Games like Awesome Possum, Plok!, Ristar, Green Dog, Chuck Rock, Dynamite Headdy...the list is as long and as vast as the mighty oceans that coat our beloved planet. Some were good, some were bad, but many of them contained 'tude. Lots and lots of 'tude.<br />
<br />
And yet out of all of those games, some much more deserving of a cartoon than Bubsy (I would personally watch the hell out of a Dynamite Headdy cartoon), Bubsy was the one that got the deal. The only reason people are even aware that this cartoon actually existed is, like me, they were bored one day, searched "Bubsy the Bobcat" on Wikipedia and YouTube, and this lonely pilot turned up. Yes, my mind was blown when I saw that Bubsy had at one point been animated by poor employees just looking for a paycheck. Therefore, I had to talk about it.<br />
<br />
Now, even if you're a poor naive fool like me and honestly enjoyed Bubsy's games and start thinking that, hey, since the games were cartoony, this is going to lend itself to some good animation, there is one thing that assures me that this is going to be a pile of crap right off the bat. The cartoon is animated by none other than Calico Creations, the sick assholes responsible for Widget the World Watcher.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBvkz3dyL9EMT-yrDFyMme9BaR9YDqqvPEnZPmoT_1qdAN2-V8cQz3cDZoi3y_5X4a2N8JTFU7WR5T_ue0lL6LRDuYqnItjUuFN9YrMgnZ9jksCLjwqVuyesxAyUHfxiucdiJ5nWo15Vo/s1600/Widgetlogo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBvkz3dyL9EMT-yrDFyMme9BaR9YDqqvPEnZPmoT_1qdAN2-V8cQz3cDZoi3y_5X4a2N8JTFU7WR5T_ue0lL6LRDuYqnItjUuFN9YrMgnZ9jksCLjwqVuyesxAyUHfxiucdiJ5nWo15Vo/s1600/Widgetlogo.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Failure.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With that being said, I can't delay this any further. It's best to grab this turd with my bare hands and try to shape it into something more palpable than this metaphor. Bubsy the Bobcat! <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Bubsy: The Animated Series Pilot</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio-jNSbmpVgrW8UWwrq0J71QtweJxVgc40IENFEiYycSxVdwvwbn6JJMD8luVAW3qW1KTPFO8CyELrYdhFaclXg32s0a5rcvad3Im-rZmapq2jnKZoHcGJx13xcI2StNrzJz-bNTuJINA/s1600/bubsy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio-jNSbmpVgrW8UWwrq0J71QtweJxVgc40IENFEiYycSxVdwvwbn6JJMD8luVAW3qW1KTPFO8CyELrYdhFaclXg32s0a5rcvad3Im-rZmapq2jnKZoHcGJx13xcI2StNrzJz-bNTuJINA/s400/bubsy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><b>Airdate:</b> Thanksgiving, 1993</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: red;">Online Only</span></div><br />
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<br />
Even though this abomination of ink and paint only aired once and then was never seen again, Bubsy: The Animated Series managed to have its own intro. And let me tell you, it's hard to talk about what just happened before my eyes in a manner that's polite and full of just and fair criticism (although watch as I discard that in a moment) instead of switching to the alternate, which would be screaming in rage and agony while declaring this the worst possible thing in existence. Without hyperbole, this intro, this bloody stool sample of an intro, is probably the main reason this pilot didn't do too well, because people with brains turned this channel off lest it infect their entertainment systems with an STD. It's safe to say that I have yet to run into an intro sequence as obnoxious as this one. This is the kind of crap you would play if you wanted to give your aging television set euthanasia.<br />
<br />
Think I'm exaggerating? This cartoon starts with Bubsy waking up in his bed and making out with an alarm clock that looks like him while electric guitars blare in the background. Normally, when someone writes something this glaringly "hip" and "extreme", it's usually done in a satiric manner.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbACURm00hWaRxnh2m6lwsHSDSSOeK_09M-MLkbYI-kITNo8jUPT4kl1LPg2fRIr3FBziwooP_Rl70qJleB47CT_FEVhSqPSHWE0U8Wf7iAwtZPqzJYNS_TW_7UM3aa9T9F3s8gf5eSAo/s1600/bubsy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbACURm00hWaRxnh2m6lwsHSDSSOeK_09M-MLkbYI-kITNo8jUPT4kl1LPg2fRIr3FBziwooP_Rl70qJleB47CT_FEVhSqPSHWE0U8Wf7iAwtZPqzJYNS_TW_7UM3aa9T9F3s8gf5eSAo/s320/bubsy.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bubsy really needs a girlfriend.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>To make matters worse, the intro also contains Bubsy's catchphrase. Since bobcats are not known for their deep, riveting backstories filled with life-changing events that makes us commiserate with Bubsy's daily struggles, our hero's main character trait is that he makes very crazy, often reckless decisions for menial tasks that happen in his everyday life and tries to justify it by shrugging and saying "What can possibly go wrong?". Obvious jokes on how you can snarkily answer that rhetorical question aside (a lot of things went wrong with the Bubsy franchise), this also shows just how little Bubsy gives a crap on what consequences his actions have to himself and everyone around him. Charming.<br />
<br />
So, in other words, our hero's main character traits is that he's egotistical and radically impulsive. Am I supposed to be rooting for this guy? He's an asshole! At least with Sonic, he was also saving the planet while he was mocking people for being "slo-mos".<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirDp36PAgpkY2pKxPSctR5XVkNi-1hZhCLmHgzdBqkk_YZBYxtyNil7n0LxboPpFEf4x-Ugk8eqCK-mrDsxyV42BbiHeYlMxGuQg_7SqytGWJutnkUPh8ecGKlbpZWwa84wDCTH3x7nyM/s1600/bubsy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirDp36PAgpkY2pKxPSctR5XVkNi-1hZhCLmHgzdBqkk_YZBYxtyNil7n0LxboPpFEf4x-Ugk8eqCK-mrDsxyV42BbiHeYlMxGuQg_7SqytGWJutnkUPh8ecGKlbpZWwa84wDCTH3x7nyM/s320/bubsy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hate to see how Bubsy wipes his ass if this is a viable method for brushing his teeth.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After he brushes his teeth with a sander (and somehow <i>doesn't</i> shred his face beyond recognition), the rest of the intro is just electric guitars and Bubsy doing exciting things like eating cereal, doing the dishes, and randomly bursting into dance in his weirdly designed, oddly Mexican-esque home. It isn't catchy, nothing the character does accurately explains what the hell the show's going to be about, and nothing is established other than the fact that Bubsy is an obnoxious loudmouth who keeps power tools in his bathroom. This, my friends, is an intro that fails at his job. This is the intro that showed up to the intro company meeting all hungover and still wearing his pajamas. <br />
<br />
But mostly I'm mad that this intro is NOT a remix of the main theme from the video game. The game actually had good music (and that's the one thing people critically praise about the first game) and the producers are <i>not</i> even going to include it in the cartoon adaptation? What the hell is wrong with them?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiCwWvh6h46LK-ZhyphenhyphenFLsxyGZu6B9nU26zv2Ce21heRRkczMG5iqUDR5piu9mCFCfOLE7oLmDEz8ubUdnZ6gQJykm7UYphNKMl9CeBb33dCNTDgwi1kuc6r79DV2vyBwk8xRfXBrqenZKM/s1600/bubsy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiCwWvh6h46LK-ZhyphenhyphenFLsxyGZu6B9nU26zv2Ce21heRRkczMG5iqUDR5piu9mCFCfOLE7oLmDEz8ubUdnZ6gQJykm7UYphNKMl9CeBb33dCNTDgwi1kuc6r79DV2vyBwk8xRfXBrqenZKM/s320/bubsy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That cactus lamp looks incredibly impractical. What if it's dark and you're trying to switch that thing on?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and I might as well bring this up. Rob Paulsen is Bubsy. Because nothing makes a character more likeable than to have him vomit wasted talent with every line and for him to sound like cartoon characters much better than him. I'm guessing Rob Paulsen's excuse was "What could possibly go wrong?".<br />
<br />
In fact, save for it being in the past tense, that's exactly what the pilot is called! Dear god, that was <i>everybody's</i> excuse when they were making this, wasn't it?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOJ1AHyQ1sc3x3b5rUNvfbHzoPbbUnVjIUstCo5QcqehX0i4pCxKjeLC3S2vapD6MeiZnZN_L2eHySnic2MnIQ50-RJx31HYojPIaasngtal0DaexQ6jbG884LaDRQaWJ91H6S-7msN_E/s1600/bubsy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOJ1AHyQ1sc3x3b5rUNvfbHzoPbbUnVjIUstCo5QcqehX0i4pCxKjeLC3S2vapD6MeiZnZN_L2eHySnic2MnIQ50-RJx31HYojPIaasngtal0DaexQ6jbG884LaDRQaWJ91H6S-7msN_E/s320/bubsy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Totally digging the Curlz/Jokerman hybrid font there. It gives this cartoon a touch of class.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The first thing we see in the proper episode is the sylistic exterior of Bubsy's house, and boy, let me tell you, it raises too many questions. Most of them are some variation of "What the everflipping hell was Bubsy smoking when he decided he wanted to live in a house shaped like a deformed arrow?" but mostly, my beef with it is cost. How the hell Bubsy was able to afford all of that? Getting a house built in an unorthodox shape and painted in screaming, art deco-style colors is a lot of money and takes a lot of bureaucratic red tape and building zone ordinances just to get the structure's blueprints approved. From what we see, the bobcat isn't married and isn't living with any relatives. Did a Scrooge McBobcat die and leave him a huge inheritance that he's just blowing away frivolously just so that he can live in a place with a built in bowling alley? What's the story here?<br />
<br />
Hell, while I'm at it, how old is Bubsy? Sonic in most incantations is a teenager, but that makes sense because he isn't living in an abstract structure that looks like a city's art museum! Does Bubsy have a job? Come on, cartoon, tell me! Flesh these characters out, for the love of god!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3thY4iys56k8HjZuPqi5Q4AEbgbDC_W4cOf55TrYCzAGJ5H67IRPZJ-ItXWkTk2kHoGGRIMuoLo74nzUhShuJ7tw9Kg0Q-F2CadkUCn91JCPGUGRVmeHZuTQqztku3k42Bbm44QFWNK4/s1600/bubsy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3thY4iys56k8HjZuPqi5Q4AEbgbDC_W4cOf55TrYCzAGJ5H67IRPZJ-ItXWkTk2kHoGGRIMuoLo74nzUhShuJ7tw9Kg0Q-F2CadkUCn91JCPGUGRVmeHZuTQqztku3k42Bbm44QFWNK4/s320/bubsy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At least the house fits the owner in terms of taste and obnoxiousness.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Yeah, it's obvious that I have my work cut out for me today since I had that many questions for just the first couple of seconds of the episode, so I might as well move on. The episode decides that it's not through with being surreal yet, so the very first thing we see in the house is an armadillo named Arnold sleeping on one of the couches and having nightmares about a truck plastered with the corpses of his brethren about ready to run him over. <br />
<br />
...well. That's a grim way to start the show. Armadillos turning into road kill is a very real occurrence, and it only gets even scarier when you realize that the armadillos in this universe (which is populated by funny talking animals like Bubsy) are perfectly sentient and yet semis are <i>still</i> mercilessly killing them. Imagine in our world if there was a particular demographic of people that semis were killing on a routine basis and this was turned into a gag. This isn't funny; this is terrifying!<br />
<br />
I also always wondered if Arnold being blue was a subtle jab at Sonic's direction. I say "subtle" because there's an 80% chance that the animators just chose that color without making the connection and I'm reading way too much into it. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgV7c_ZFe1ogdN3pOv44Nm2R3XkBOcgl96MkAZWzosTY00UZJsK9sSZyxikooF4kuryxN7ocPIcyEbeea4SVGfeMcrYAdha_ddqAwZ_ugplmiiLL5DFeaG59WB7PZUUPRuOtKD5kRoClM/s1600/bubsy5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgV7c_ZFe1ogdN3pOv44Nm2R3XkBOcgl96MkAZWzosTY00UZJsK9sSZyxikooF4kuryxN7ocPIcyEbeea4SVGfeMcrYAdha_ddqAwZ_ugplmiiLL5DFeaG59WB7PZUUPRuOtKD5kRoClM/s320/bubsy5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAjvnZvFtykibgau01UI8QH_TNKF4YOJoGH26u92EVRQH1JY-BGq-pK73Mhx51MzASnGbOA3lR6q0wVwThZdj12gRhwzz5E-lySwcmqMJ3Fy5scSuCvyHBEx2QyMc3t1pXacdUJmXqLYA/s1600/bubsy6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAjvnZvFtykibgau01UI8QH_TNKF4YOJoGH26u92EVRQH1JY-BGq-pK73Mhx51MzASnGbOA3lR6q0wVwThZdj12gRhwzz5E-lySwcmqMJ3Fy5scSuCvyHBEx2QyMc3t1pXacdUJmXqLYA/s320/bubsy6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Autobots are the armadillos' natural predator.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Before you start wondering on why we're focusing on a completely unrelated character, it turns out that Arnold is supposedly Bubsy's unwilling sidekick/pet/prostitute/whatever. And I mean <i><b>really</b></i> unwilling, because Arnold is actually really afraid of Bubsy and considers him, in his words, to be worse than a truck. Totally using that to describe things I hate now. Bubsy is oblivious to his "friend's" uneasiness and insists that he's really Arnold's hero, which I suppose <i>could've </i>been funny if done by better writing, but oh man, Bubsy can be so abusive to this poor character that it just leaves me with an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. <br />
<br />
Since I'm noting voice actors throughout this thing, Pat Fraley is Arnold. This is as heartbreaking than Rob Paulsen being Bubsy because Pat Fraley is another talented voiceactor that really shouldn't be in this. Because of his contribution, Arnold sounds a little like a young version of Burne Thompson from the 1987 version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And let me tell you, it is extremely odd to hear April O'Neil's boss's voice come out of a blue armadillo. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9df9Z0cw7SEBSZrZvAZncy8dVUOZwgOvTDmOSRbu2vmMS9IHTDIXKxs32OtFdU8P7bfeWcrenGplAqzQna7uFIxxR_mDv5lFDl9LvHgw5JcPClgvu19sCMIm1YWXIZZubfUi7I9J_qTw/s1600/bubsy7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9df9Z0cw7SEBSZrZvAZncy8dVUOZwgOvTDmOSRbu2vmMS9IHTDIXKxs32OtFdU8P7bfeWcrenGplAqzQna7uFIxxR_mDv5lFDl9LvHgw5JcPClgvu19sCMIm1YWXIZZubfUi7I9J_qTw/s320/bubsy7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That <i>face</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Before you get too comfortable with these two characters, who can be pretty annoying on our own, the cartoon decides to insult our intelligence by spitting two horrible demons in our direction. Did you know that Bubsy has a niece and a nephew? And that they've driven their skateboards over to Bubsy's house to celebrate their birthday and partake in silly, kid-like shenanigans? If you feel like killing yourself, don't worry. The feeling is mutual. <br />
<br />
Now I kind of feel bad for making a joke about a Scrooge McBobcat now, because if you've grown up on the Disney afternoon, you should be rolling your eyes right about now. Yes, this show had enough balls to include nephews, in a world where DuckTales has already been established as a quintessential Saturday morning cartoon series. Man, the creativity is just so overwhelming! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2Fipr_1TyY3YZm1ZtWymtoqulyE0q9UJRL_P4YmWdx11Ppdgaj0fKO-vCfeW7xTHJUtme2uCRnuAbNhQ4WqjUmkRwDPqHq41vOScsI5VPZ2OWtMTzgwG10zrYjTxQl1qCvDk_S4-irGc/s1600/bubsy8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2Fipr_1TyY3YZm1ZtWymtoqulyE0q9UJRL_P4YmWdx11Ppdgaj0fKO-vCfeW7xTHJUtme2uCRnuAbNhQ4WqjUmkRwDPqHq41vOScsI5VPZ2OWtMTzgwG10zrYjTxQl1qCvDk_S4-irGc/s320/bubsy8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also they're the most godawful-looking things I've ever seen in a cartoon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Besides sharing the same name as my favorite character from The Magic School Bus (next to Carlos and Ms. Frizzle, anyways), Arnold also serves to help illustrate this cartoon's bizarre sense of humor. The first couple of minutes, the cartoon's big punchline is "the universe hates Arnold". We have no plot to advance besides idiot bobcats being idiots, so instead we watch different felines take turns inflicting pain and misery on this poor armadillo.<br />
<br />
This scene also leads me to question Arnold and Bubsy's relationship. Arnold's attitude shows that he doesn't like hanging out with Bubsy, so it's obvious that they're not friends in any way. Is Arnold his pet? He isn't wearing any clothes and seems to live in Bubsy's house, but he has the same amount of intelligence as his master. Is it legal for bobcats to own armadillos as slaves? Is there going to be an armadillo civil rights movement in this world soon?<br />
<br />
And yes, I know griping about the inconsistency of the world building in Bubsy the Bobcat is like dropping an atomic bomb on fish in a barrel, but still...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGsQ5HcDDcYjG3RkUsBBfRzWU5-lqNC5SLdlgyx1mVfcr46FNp0VB9_LoZfETmogzKvDorj7Dof9lDJLKMKlvBqCulwV1pSmdjrzF8PGyOmqrZQeg7XAkPSb6Me1CfyrkQ8J3629wez0/s1600/bubsy11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGsQ5HcDDcYjG3RkUsBBfRzWU5-lqNC5SLdlgyx1mVfcr46FNp0VB9_LoZfETmogzKvDorj7Dof9lDJLKMKlvBqCulwV1pSmdjrzF8PGyOmqrZQeg7XAkPSb6Me1CfyrkQ8J3629wez0/s320/bubsy11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And Bubsy owns a basketball hoop in his house, because he's X-TREME!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The random armadillo hatred gets so bad that, when Bubsy turns on the TV, even the news media hates Arnold. Instead of reporting something that's going to advance the plot like televisions in the cartoon world normally do (but don't worry, it's going to do just that in a moment), the news is talking about how over ten thousand armadillos were run over by trucks in Texas. Slow news day, I guess.<br />
<br />
But then it becomes really unsettling when the truck from Arnold's dream appears on the television. Wait a second. That armadillo-murdering machine actually <i>exists</i> and no one's arrested the driver for being a horrible serial killer yet? Holy crap, dude. Thanks to this broadcast, I'd rather watch a cartoon about some insane truck driver that has to run over every armadillo he sees in order to satiate his incurable bloodlust than what I'm about to watch now.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOiFG-43dfVrHQ74hX3IusCUkwgfrjvF5MkDqvf6_gAnRviA50X2hO1FYq_oFiKDEm8C4bcElTO44IMAM1e2pRCX3iyVCv0-jy7EjBbGeLuEH1tWQa1IbvmehpeNSt6vZ5rmVUZ63HUCM/s1600/bubsy9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOiFG-43dfVrHQ74hX3IusCUkwgfrjvF5MkDqvf6_gAnRviA50X2hO1FYq_oFiKDEm8C4bcElTO44IMAM1e2pRCX3iyVCv0-jy7EjBbGeLuEH1tWQa1IbvmehpeNSt6vZ5rmVUZ63HUCM/s320/bubsy9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbnCHJi5_1DS8b9OzHqExDNFiMpyEvCjom1OD6vGCJNDgd4cHt5fDqhMsr_U4k1o9CdHXlyO3dFb9tGOwR2HMZH2KgYLyVNRCgIcB3wjb04peQluL72nW79D6CRrSxS7re8QN7o5dTb7s/s1600/bubsy10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbnCHJi5_1DS8b9OzHqExDNFiMpyEvCjom1OD6vGCJNDgd4cHt5fDqhMsr_U4k1o9CdHXlyO3dFb9tGOwR2HMZH2KgYLyVNRCgIcB3wjb04peQluL72nW79D6CRrSxS7re8QN7o5dTb7s/s320/bubsy10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, this world has a strangest hatred for insectivores. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>While the little monsters are causing grievous harm to an animal that can contact leprosy, we finally get our plot point through the TV, because Bubsy the Bobcat loves lazy writing as much as he loves T-shirts with exclamation marks on them. Don't you just love that trope and how it appears<i> every-goddamn-where</i>? I know I do.<br />
<br />
After the news report talks about dying armadillos for no real reason, it then talks about some nerd named Virgil Reality, who somehow invented a helmet that can turn your imagination into reality. Get it? Virgil Reality? With such high-grade writing, I'm honestly surprised that this didn't get picked up for a series.<br />
<br />
Also, what kind of news station will report a story on armadillo genocide and then follow it up with wacky inventions? That seems like such a random structure to a broadcast. "And after you dwell on these helpless animals getting slaughtered, here's a nerd in bright green suspenders. Hilarity!"<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1vODtUQajHIo53KSVademP_F65EgPB16evrSQeoN2o_lk_0mVipVQ74s9FdwVsAqpx01EVMqcXB8dLkG9MN2VJDsqjNHpeviY7gyNe0ZSx35iJ-GHfraEcUeGgCBjP5mL-Pwwz6PrqOM/s1600/bubsy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1vODtUQajHIo53KSVademP_F65EgPB16evrSQeoN2o_lk_0mVipVQ74s9FdwVsAqpx01EVMqcXB8dLkG9MN2VJDsqjNHpeviY7gyNe0ZSx35iJ-GHfraEcUeGgCBjP5mL-Pwwz6PrqOM/s320/bubsy.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He also has strange, misshapen ears, because nerds love plastic surgery.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Virgil Reality explains his magnificent reality-warping device that can destroy the world as we know it, and that's when we learn that he's also voiced by Pat Fraley. Unlike Arnold, who sounds kind of distinct, Virgil sounds almost exactly like Baxter Stockman before he turned into a fly from 1987 TMNT. In fact, <i>all</i> of the main characters on this show did voices in TMNT. This amuses me greatly, because if I watch this show with my eyes closed (the preferred way of watching Bubsy), I can pretend that it's really just a really weird episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where Raphael (who was also voiced by Rob Paulsen) sustained brain damage and now keeps saying "What can possibly go wrong?" as a verbal tic. <br />
<br />
I also have no idea what the hell Virgil's supposed to be. His hairstyle combined with his body suggests hedgehog, but he also looks kind of like a rat, what with his buck teeth and the fact that he looks kind of like pre-accident Megavolt from Darkwing Duck.<br />
<br />
...man, do I wish I was watching a TMNT/Darkwing Duck crossover right about now.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3PWUlRPgfPlbO3c5PxYfEi-yPX_g2wxe8A7ha562alZTT4lENrgiBfTYLjxQhjK0yxXi5XJSkq_rgqriGpm08Yvkg7FK5I0rPhdboZ4WLKcn3tbq-3ZH-DjAH_S8FeI86IYxRp0F1jIg/s1600/bubsy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3PWUlRPgfPlbO3c5PxYfEi-yPX_g2wxe8A7ha562alZTT4lENrgiBfTYLjxQhjK0yxXi5XJSkq_rgqriGpm08Yvkg7FK5I0rPhdboZ4WLKcn3tbq-3ZH-DjAH_S8FeI86IYxRp0F1jIg/s320/bubsy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This device is just like the device Spock used in the 55th episode of Star Trek: TNG, but only in the extended director's cut of that episode, because the scene he used it in had to be cut for syndication. Any REAL fan would know that!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After Virgil is done stroking his own ego to the point of public masturbation and hyping up his own invention to be the Second Coming of Christ (although, considering the nature of the helmet, you could very well imagine that into being) that's when he says that he needs someone brave and expendable enough to test the invention. You know, because giving a world-changing helmet to some random stranger who was interested in the device through a news broadcast (one that doesn't even hide the fact that this thing will make your wildest dreams come true, might I add) is totally the safest thing to do. To add to the stupidity, their explanation as to why they need an assistant is because apparently the helmet keeps blowing up on Virgil's head. Watch as the cartoon completely forgets this half-assed explanation once we see how the thing actually works. <br />
<br />
Oh, and don't get curious about the white, creepily-designed cat to Virgil's left. She has no personality whatsoever. Hell, I don't think she even has a name. She's just there to have breasts in an otherwise male-dominated cartoon.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-TVmwOLMQspye8yC0OblT6vp3kXk3UUW-8Fpw3qFNCSVtDKbwxYW4-ppPub_OtXve9S2E51cjmGoYai5rWP321HNcNkVtjo6Evn3MKebAh_qDqCKGj0pCsPDFGT5IDFDoKZ1ECZiv0_s/s1600/bubsy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-TVmwOLMQspye8yC0OblT6vp3kXk3UUW-8Fpw3qFNCSVtDKbwxYW4-ppPub_OtXve9S2E51cjmGoYai5rWP321HNcNkVtjo6Evn3MKebAh_qDqCKGj0pCsPDFGT5IDFDoKZ1ECZiv0_s/s320/bubsy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Notice how my assistant here has grotesque, hideously swollen eyeballs. <br />
That is but one of the major side-effects caused by my helmet."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So, of course, our main character is all over that, because he loves a helmet that can turn his sick sexual fantasies into reality. And, since he can't keep his excitement to himself, Bubsy tells every single damn living thing in the house that he's going to go over to that science facility and test the very dangerous piece of machinery. Bubsy must know of a great place to get reconstructive burn surgery if this is his idea of how to spend his day. Get better hobbies, Bubsy.<br />
<br />
<strike>Awesome Possum</strike> <i>Bubsy</i> concludes his purposeless rambling, which was only added into the pilot to burn through precious time, with "and I'm a hero for crying out loud" which is...pretty debatable. I know this is meant to be supplementary material for the video games, but if you just watch this cartoon by itself, Bubsy never actually does anything heroic. If you've never played any of the Bubsy games, up to this point, Bubsy's just a dick that lets his relatives torture an armadillo while he watches TV and makes pretentious speeches on how awesome he is. We're given no reason to like this furball other than he spews catchphrases and is hip and relatable to a target demographic. <br />
<br />
And to think, this was supposed to kick off a franchise. If anything, this is making me hate a character that I was previously indifferent to.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVSr0qF4_548t22hgEK3PJ4DKAWE8LEebHkUcf74RkA4j2DOaBGTKNKSZ57Z6SLTIqQoE-cnN5YWZlsoJS3jKzcZUNglj2Bw2jPOdbhsLjcK5LW8qseG6Q8Fo9BJmQ20mhyVH-hoja_iI/s1600/bubsy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVSr0qF4_548t22hgEK3PJ4DKAWE8LEebHkUcf74RkA4j2DOaBGTKNKSZ57Z6SLTIqQoE-cnN5YWZlsoJS3jKzcZUNglj2Bw2jPOdbhsLjcK5LW8qseG6Q8Fo9BJmQ20mhyVH-hoja_iI/s320/bubsy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm not a wimp! I'm a jerk!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In fact, he's so full of himself over how he's willingly able to give his body up to science regardless of the potential repercussions that he even gives a huge speech filled with stock footage about how awesome he is. Never in my life have I wanted a cartoon character to just shut the hell up and get to the point already more than I did here. He's the mascot equivalent of Clippy the Office Assistant. <br />
<br />
I'm not kidding about the stock footage, by the way. In order to give the meaning behind the words "where no bobcat has gone before" (gotta love the originality of this writing) some extra punch, we honest to god cut to footage of the moon landing while random cat sound effects are inserted. I'm guessing this was supposed to be the show's main gimmick, Bubsy's main punchline, the thing that would set him apart from Sonic and Mario. Too bad it really isn't funny and, if anything, makes you just want to watch black and white footage from the 1960's over this.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5xccKKkB0NbU81k9hdoIcND2YW4KQS3S3FfqwYhyphenhyphen35aNpGsgkmqSL5I2j-O8R03g_efktybKH77Xbhf7gXlIyBfsiLJc6U-yzR5IpQNuCgMQtEJF3TRFnpI5NMYrT3KJNENN-p23b0q0/s1600/bubsy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5xccKKkB0NbU81k9hdoIcND2YW4KQS3S3FfqwYhyphenhyphen35aNpGsgkmqSL5I2j-O8R03g_efktybKH77Xbhf7gXlIyBfsiLJc6U-yzR5IpQNuCgMQtEJF3TRFnpI5NMYrT3KJNENN-p23b0q0/s320/bubsy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoBEsr7Q9sXkxvASDQjRVgCjcY9r3osbqa9wvvRtJfRQQFa89BQJFhHApT6TY9-Ty3-mTCzGt-VhpF9a5rPFtlSoDM69OBwvP-e1jNbSc5LWZsM7u4DPGfx5XOh18Vpbknkgul03Y0Lvw/s1600/bubsy5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoBEsr7Q9sXkxvASDQjRVgCjcY9r3osbqa9wvvRtJfRQQFa89BQJFhHApT6TY9-Ty3-mTCzGt-VhpF9a5rPFtlSoDM69OBwvP-e1jNbSc5LWZsM7u4DPGfx5XOh18Vpbknkgul03Y0Lvw/s320/bubsy5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Somehow these two are related. Or Bubsy's an egotistical asshole. Either or.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But it turns out the egotistical dickbag we're<i> supposed</i> to be rooting for wasn't the only one watching the television for plot points. Turns out the villain of this show was too. They try to make off the villain as being greedy for wanting the helmet too, when really, I'm surprised the whole tri-county area isn't bursting down Virgil Reality's door for that thing. The helmet is said to turn anything you imagine into reality.<i> Anything.</i> And events in this episode prove that it can just make money appear out of thin air. What person <i>wouldn't</i> want to try something like that? <br />
<br />
I should probably talk about our main adversary for a second here. The villain, which is a rich, spoiled cat woman named Ally Cassandra, is actually not in any of the games. It's a really strange decision to make TV exclusive antagonists since I clearly remember the games having villains that would've been a lot more interesting than what we got here. The first game had the Woolies, race of bird-like aliens that steal fabric and yarn balls, and the second game had some giant pig scientist named Oinker P. Hamm. Neither of those are amazing concepts either, but you'll be wishing you were watching some pig named Oinker over her because Ally Cassandra is an absolute <i>snoozefest</i>. All you have to do is take a look at her character design once and you'll know everything there is to know about her deep, enriching backstory. As in, she has none.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCt-DP8-2k-DPiL3erSvWXDaVti02pkAB6_0v9m0BtF4dxKqdVDgOhIPNMFUoBGPuLWVI_boTExMcmTmR62Q8nhwcwEjXCyue5MGip2LkDbwY17vnaTnw9dqr1NLmmAVuv1An9yxknJJQ/s1600/bubsy6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCt-DP8-2k-DPiL3erSvWXDaVti02pkAB6_0v9m0BtF4dxKqdVDgOhIPNMFUoBGPuLWVI_boTExMcmTmR62Q8nhwcwEjXCyue5MGip2LkDbwY17vnaTnw9dqr1NLmmAVuv1An9yxknJJQ/s320/bubsy6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"As my mom always said, why use just one villain cliche when you can use them all?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Ally, since she can't function without resorting to every dried up platitude in the book, has to call for her two inexplicable henchmen in order for her to narrate her devious and original plans to them. Luckily, her two henchmen, which are a vulture cook and a hungry purple shrew, are marginally more creative and entertaining than her. For starters, Buzz the vulture (okay, he's really a buzzard, but apparently the character designers thought that buzzards and vultures are the same goddamn thing) is actually pretty amazing. He's sort of like the actor in a bad film that<i> knows</i> he's working with a terrible script but tries to do the best acting job he can manage anyways. Buzz actually cares, even if he knows he'll never have a career after this is over.<br />
<br />
Also, there's a weird thing about this scene. While Buzz is talking about his spoiled dish, which probably consisted of roadkill and dessicated corpses he found lying outside the desert, the shrew is clearly moving his lips and going through the same gestures too. Problem is, you only hear Buzz talking. Animation glitch, deleted dialogue at the last moment, or is this supposed to be a subtle quirk that the shrew had? Or is the shrew mocking Buzz?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiN08ysJcCKxon1nblecREIdF4TshPvzRzeYLB5qMqWL21XT0RlXtmv8akqxxcj6bql4ruajhAafFKTgV-3AUUgfiN9wufhS2xzqwGco1rpshTruBYO18AzXxEeyifSbemFt_y1jgaMDg/s1600/bubsy7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiN08ysJcCKxon1nblecREIdF4TshPvzRzeYLB5qMqWL21XT0RlXtmv8akqxxcj6bql4ruajhAafFKTgV-3AUUgfiN9wufhS2xzqwGco1rpshTruBYO18AzXxEeyifSbemFt_y1jgaMDg/s320/bubsy7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9YMU3SlaB4OqNQ9KjMd6DPWq5f5k8_Rjk1AYzUHTler0U8y5bqS71lErWcT91OjXhVskBxhCkKn7jVp8VejyFUcJ2vfPDduftZsFExPI1AQ5WSAwMdseiyNeiH_QI1ZfUv0Mm2Tr2Fks/s1600/bubsy8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9YMU3SlaB4OqNQ9KjMd6DPWq5f5k8_Rjk1AYzUHTler0U8y5bqS71lErWcT91OjXhVskBxhCkKn7jVp8VejyFUcJ2vfPDduftZsFExPI1AQ5WSAwMdseiyNeiH_QI1ZfUv0Mm2Tr2Fks/s320/bubsy8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not that you really need to do much to mock this guy, mind.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Sid the shrew, in all of his disgusting purple glory, is voiced by Jim Cummings, because it's an unwritten law of 90's cartoons that at least one character per show, no matter how obscure, needs to be voiced by this man. No exceptions. I mean, for crying out loud, Jim Cummings provided voices for Widget the World Watcher AND Creepy Crawlers. I think all the animation companies just have his number on speed dial.<br />
<br />
What's Sid's personality? Why, he's hungry and he talks really fast. Because he's a shrew. Ha ha, animal stereotypes! And what is the deal with lines at the DMV?<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbrW-q9YcRHE1ANGw_BXsfyAu0Zst2SAinuAEnwXpswuPixgPAfGXpOTUGLY_OvzVc4iX0CNq_3C6tgwPzdoSfGbq7GNbHMHU-YIA1NSSFF69s64ccAHFkUjosbpLc8Zb1yO6h_5v09qY/s1600/bubsy9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbrW-q9YcRHE1ANGw_BXsfyAu0Zst2SAinuAEnwXpswuPixgPAfGXpOTUGLY_OvzVc4iX0CNq_3C6tgwPzdoSfGbq7GNbHMHU-YIA1NSSFF69s64ccAHFkUjosbpLc8Zb1yO6h_5v09qY/s320/bubsy9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, Buzz and Ally have natural colorations. Why the hell is Sid purple...?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So basically what happens next is this really boring scene where the fatass woman tells her two henchmen (and neither of them are paying attention, showing just how necessary this scene is) to go get the helmet because it will make her rich and powerful. Only it takes like five hours for her to cough up all of the exposition. Cartoon, we're all intelligent people here. When a news broadcast says that the helmet can make your dreams into reality and Bubsy had a scene where he's all "that helmet can make my dreams into reality!", you really don't need the villain to turn to her toadies and go "this can make my dreams into reality!". Were you just that starved for some extra padding?<br />
<br />
The only thing that made this scene worthwhile was the part where Ally approaches a mirror and pictures herself as frighteningly anorexic. I <i>guess</i> giving our feline antagonist Body Dysmorphic Disorder makes her a lot more interesting, cartoon. I can buy it. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXS9OCB-S5nmrTQr98rE46ATRqBWfmYEHGOiriySdNdqzPZ5Rg69sFMWgwBzJ0YFqjFfbc8Je2TgR3rrZEnS9KsGCJVGBhtVayIMS_pg26o5IKiNeqD4KhhaNfaYIe4fsQNklELHHBM4w/s1600/bubsy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXS9OCB-S5nmrTQr98rE46ATRqBWfmYEHGOiriySdNdqzPZ5Rg69sFMWgwBzJ0YFqjFfbc8Je2TgR3rrZEnS9KsGCJVGBhtVayIMS_pg26o5IKiNeqD4KhhaNfaYIe4fsQNklELHHBM4w/s320/bubsy.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bubsy is clearly trying to appeal to the Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats fanbase.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But back to more important manners. Ripoff McMascot shows up at Virgil's lab (which looks like a modern art museum from the outside) to try the helmet. Somehow, even though this eldritch abomination of a gadget can make you the most powerful person in the universe, Bubsy is the only person that showed up to try the invention. I guess all the other viewers, jaded from years of watching infomercials, just said "meh" and switched on to HBO. <br />
<br />
And there's a running gag where both Virgil Reality and that weird, big-eyed cat assistant he has calls Bubsy a different name. Besides the parts where someone calls him "Booby" without getting the censors on Calico Creations's ass, it's really not that funny, considering "Bubsy" is only a two syllable name. I really don't see why it would be so hard to remember. This is an era where kids were able to tell which ninja turtle was named Michelangelo and which one was named Donatello. Bubsy is nothing!<br />
<br />
But in all seriousness, that girl cat's pupils are freaking me the hell out.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipB6E8-HiNm000skSdiwZklL6QXHca5bwWPEaL7aYTKoHtty9ZljDjbwo66gyIU6ITqeq6yaYxRdH60mn5XRmBSE_wr38RmgQG-DTenGV3Af4vzzPEB6QV0Z9T_Jbjk5MXtt2mda5eX38/s1600/bubsy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipB6E8-HiNm000skSdiwZklL6QXHca5bwWPEaL7aYTKoHtty9ZljDjbwo66gyIU6ITqeq6yaYxRdH60mn5XRmBSE_wr38RmgQG-DTenGV3Af4vzzPEB6QV0Z9T_Jbjk5MXtt2mda5eX38/s320/bubsy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Please tell me you're not the designated love interest in this cartoon. Even I can do better!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After that terrible attempt of a joke ends, we then see how the helmet works. You think of anything and then blink two times, and that causes you to warp reality to your very whims and essentially make the entire cosmos dance at your very fingertips. They don't even give any limitations to this thing. You gotta love how this plot calls for a scientist to invent something so goddamn incredible that it could shape the very existence of the planet as we know it just for the sake of visual gags. Seriously, why was this only on a local news broadcast? Virgil should, at the very least, have a Nobel Peace prize. At the very worst, he should be the Absolute Lord and Master of All Existence and have his own harem of women at his beck and call. <br />
<br />
But instead, Virgil, too much of a dumbass to realize just what exactly he invented, just hands over his precious scientific marvel over to a complete stranger and gives only one warning. You have to be very specific about your thoughts. Personally, if I were Virgil, I would also add things like "Don't wish that you're God", "Don't wish that the Earth would explode", or "Don't wish for some terrible monster to arise from the cold murky depths of the Antarctic Sea and enslave all of mankind". I mean, that's some serious power they just handed over to this mere mortal. What if Bubsy decided he wanted Hitler to come back from the dead?<br />
<br />
Oh, and he said "What can possibly go wrong?" before activating the helmet. Because Bubsy hates you.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaigPiu-hlX4EN-RC6cdJksH0HMrYtHgX-DejU0Er7IHcOikh1jd7Quf6xcN-flKu7WepOVQduvVXcAUQWEgNO8gzOXZI4vK0YcAEzZbAbFiHD2mhpPym51mkl62LqiC8ukbOHVZJUAp0/s1600/bubsy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaigPiu-hlX4EN-RC6cdJksH0HMrYtHgX-DejU0Er7IHcOikh1jd7Quf6xcN-flKu7WepOVQduvVXcAUQWEgNO8gzOXZI4vK0YcAEzZbAbFiHD2mhpPym51mkl62LqiC8ukbOHVZJUAp0/s320/bubsy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Finally, I have the power to smite my enemies! Their blood shall stain my fingertips! <br />
I will bask in the beauty that is their last, gasping breaths! Hail Bubsy!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With him saying his ever-annoying catchphrase, he says that he wants to fly. Somehow that teleports everyone into a deadly free fall.<br />
<br />
...um. Irritating Sonic Ripoff said "I want to fly". <b>I</b>. How does this translate to "I want everyone in the room including myself to be plummeting through the air to our certain death", helmet? I understand that Bubsy was not specific, but there's no reason for everyone else to be involved. This is the worst invention ever!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeLBni07J6bIAVQV9ePrLw91TagMj_eJqQ8F76LkyKAW0PuQJc1Y7kAJJTIjKZnJ6oDyuQ1Zl6rb-p5RvSmDoKuZPvDa4KKlGyO-NTinmEPiAknHi_BVfKmKA_NYokA9XDWYrUp36Anjo/s1600/bubsy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeLBni07J6bIAVQV9ePrLw91TagMj_eJqQ8F76LkyKAW0PuQJc1Y7kAJJTIjKZnJ6oDyuQ1Zl6rb-p5RvSmDoKuZPvDa4KKlGyO-NTinmEPiAknHi_BVfKmKA_NYokA9XDWYrUp36Anjo/s320/bubsy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yes! My wish to commit a unique form of murder-suicide is working!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Instead of gruesomely hitting the ground at such a high velocity that their bodies are reduced to gooey mush from the impact, they somehow manage to teleport back after a few rather unfunny gags. Since, you know, reality-warping helmet. <br />
<br />
...or at least the people that Loudmouth VonAnnoyingCatchphrase likes are saved. Arnold gets to crash through the roof. Wait a second, all of that freaking out and screaming and it turns out the fall wasn't even lethal? What the hell?<br />
<br />
But I guess it's better that this cartoon relies on cartoon physics, considering Bubsy decided he was going to be so mean that he wasn't even going to teleport his own sidekick to safety. Again, this is the hero of our story, the person who keeps insisting that he's a heroic adventurer. He likes inflicting pain on his best friend for kicks and he won't even save them when they're falling to their deaths. Heroism!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR5VtJDbjDwOjbOPBJt-zyG3693ZXzhiX3NX8yncQ_9iE1RUFdAkBGIELdQaxjhMs6SJqhjcqqiAH9wXCHdUmWiYrPPgMGIrvrXGWxq_PPsT5tQJxidsSMEhvK1Or_HN_ccuTh2mp8nQY/s1600/bubsy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR5VtJDbjDwOjbOPBJt-zyG3693ZXzhiX3NX8yncQ_9iE1RUFdAkBGIELdQaxjhMs6SJqhjcqqiAH9wXCHdUmWiYrPPgMGIrvrXGWxq_PPsT5tQJxidsSMEhvK1Or_HN_ccuTh2mp8nQY/s320/bubsy.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Did an armadillo kill the writer's mother or something? <br />
This cartoon seems pretty hateful towards this one species...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, there's an honestly funny moment with our loveable rat scientist in order to help lull us back into relative sanity. After narrowly escaping death thanks to his radically unsafe doomsday device of an invention, he complains that Bubsy made his rash come back. And, while that delightful mental image pops in our heads (he doesn't even hide where his rash is), Virgil then itches all over his body including his crotch while the obnoxious bobcat starts playing with his suspenders. Okay, why the hell didn't this cartoon star Virgil? He has a lot more personality and likeability than our main character, and he clearly exists only to be a dispenser of nerd jokes! Maybe it's the Baxter Stockman voice that does it. Hell, he's even got the bowtie.<br />
<br />
And I hate to bring up the rash again, but I can't help but wonder if there's a correlation between that and the personality-less bimbo that's constantly hanging around Virgil. Come on, you can't seriously be telling me she's there as a lab assistant. Even if his name is one letter away from "virgin", he's totally taping that. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5vrruLh1XNnzsYMEpL0xXKj8ZWUZFdtF9PJVrmYO4Qkdca7FOzQQ6hRB3eFMdxk5-KDbYXEJcLer8WKmcerh3MuH8gnOigRJyO0Ron3L6213nS15rFoRAdqhNs3OBqcfFBTSH-q4CQaw/s1600/bubsy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5vrruLh1XNnzsYMEpL0xXKj8ZWUZFdtF9PJVrmYO4Qkdca7FOzQQ6hRB3eFMdxk5-KDbYXEJcLer8WKmcerh3MuH8gnOigRJyO0Ron3L6213nS15rFoRAdqhNs3OBqcfFBTSH-q4CQaw/s320/bubsy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Which of these men has more dignity? The answer may surprise you.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But it turns out the little demons are bored and they want to play with the helmet too. Virgil insists that the helmet is not a toy, Bubsy says that the reality-warping helmet is only meant for grown-ups, they go through great lengths to make sure the helmet isn't given to the twins, and you know where the hell this is going to lead. Kids steal helmet; shenanigans ensue, brats consume the screen with their high-pitched voices and their incessant screaming. I've seen coloring books more complex than this plot. <br />
<br />
And why did Virgil design his helmet so that one eyepiece was shaped like a square? Nothing makes sense anymore...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb0fs8aWx33roGgPb6jzrtki2s4dAa0ve1lK8bobWwBmbzsWF96J43hzzVKwv4TVuiYQRX__fHRCdQRpADqfSGvnnVfSf6E1g-6kCasO6_hRF0zrR4G8xkCqWQa9HINf0N7zv9YGusqTc/s1600/bubsy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb0fs8aWx33roGgPb6jzrtki2s4dAa0ve1lK8bobWwBmbzsWF96J43hzzVKwv4TVuiYQRX__fHRCdQRpADqfSGvnnVfSf6E1g-6kCasO6_hRF0zrR4G8xkCqWQa9HINf0N7zv9YGusqTc/s320/bubsy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Their eyes are larger than their bodies.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Back to way more tolerable characters. It turns out Buzz can actually fly, and he's carrying Sid in his talons while saying, for the bazillionth time, that they need to steal the helmet for the evil villain they work for. While it is nice of this show to appeal to the crowd suffering from severe short term memory loss, it really makes the dialogue sound choppy and repetitive. They could be, oh I don't know, using that dialogue to be telling jokes or, at the very least, fleshing out these characters. Clearly Buzz has a dark and edgy past just waiting to be told!<br />
<br />
But I will give one compliment to this cartoon. The animals they use for their cast are nothing short of unique. Name one other show that has a buzzard, a shrew, an armadillo, a bobcat, a whatever the hell Virgil is, and a soul-sucking demon with bone white fur and dilated pupils.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj49xW-ZUv4CTDKPwFOfRI3HOimehBd5kizJXAWKTNoXE3KTdAZpnDu8xugfSTN8I02yWtxllfyr63lITEvI0eg7wOi916uAbeWWpiaA0LpCApKtyREKdg2KIsrvXRNBmOkMZx5kBBCGsk/s1600/bubsy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj49xW-ZUv4CTDKPwFOfRI3HOimehBd5kizJXAWKTNoXE3KTdAZpnDu8xugfSTN8I02yWtxllfyr63lITEvI0eg7wOi916uAbeWWpiaA0LpCApKtyREKdg2KIsrvXRNBmOkMZx5kBBCGsk/s320/bubsy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm telling you Sid, you haven't lived until you eaten the eyeballs of a rabbit that's been dead for at least three days."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While they're flying, the buzzard complains to the shrew, neither of them noting the sheer irony of their situation, that he does nothing but talk about how hungry he is. A reasonable complaint, considering it's the truth. However, somehow that insults the smelly little rodent, so he gripes to Buzz about how he is what evolution made him. Sid then has to explain, possibly to the younger kids who don't know what a shrew is, that if he doesn't eat every ten minutes, he goes mad. <br />
<br />
Uh, that's not how metabolism works. Although it<i> is </i>kind of clever that one of the villains is perpetually starving to death (although The Mask: The Animated Series did that concept a lot better), forever driven insane by his constant hunger and having to constantly stuff things like stale corn dogs and bees into his gaping maw in order to keep his stomachbeast satisfied. Sid's will is not his own. That's pretty dark.<br />
<br />
You know what else is dark? The fact that, in close-ups, you can see that there's a bite mark in Sid's shirt and his tail is broken. At one point in his life, Sid was so desperately hungry that he tried <i>eating himself</i>. Holy crap.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDIdt3cw1NntxLfJ3haa5iuoxM2NsbppxCrd-XaJxnwjIJCreP6F41v8WpqGCOeaXpTRMiTXRv-gm3du1hYGlKyyDC1GwHZ3XUFwM7Zx0W3op7Rm-VLbxk_xflo_jl1qDzHhsZpbbA5oI/s1600/bubsy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDIdt3cw1NntxLfJ3haa5iuoxM2NsbppxCrd-XaJxnwjIJCreP6F41v8WpqGCOeaXpTRMiTXRv-gm3du1hYGlKyyDC1GwHZ3XUFwM7Zx0W3op7Rm-VLbxk_xflo_jl1qDzHhsZpbbA5oI/s320/bubsy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Attack of the Killer Shrews was a gross misrepresentation of my people!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, their boring little conversation about eating habits is interrupted when they both spot the helmet in the hands of the two most annoying child protagonists that have ever grazed my presence. I really wish I could describe in full detail just how much the bobcat twins annoy me, but the last time I tried, it ended up looking like a suicide note and my parents called the authorities. <br />
<br />
At that instant, something wonderful and beautiful happens. Buzz, noticing that Bubsy really isn't doing his job, decides that he's going to be the<i> real</i> hero of the show when he imagines the two kids as dinner. Yes, my friends. In a world of sentient animals, it's still perfectly okay to cannibalize animals lower than you on the food chain. This universe is amazing.<br />
<br />
Oddly, this is pretty accurate to real life. Bobcat kittens<i> do</i> get preyed on by predatory birds. Course, in real life, none of these animals can make bad jokes involving magical helmets and the bobcats don't have eyeballs bigger than their torso, but now you're just being picky.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0ORP4uN-YtS-7OOsi5gV2reF7vjrwY0B5vBIwsgDf8msrPFzRaasxiskHXxaESrOkIbqmfSHpjRMPSOWVqA_opS-hWAh1SgcgTEsW0TI8IWCZ6uBM3GdfbRveq5hczlmlKzzxAhNLiHk/s1600/bubsy5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0ORP4uN-YtS-7OOsi5gV2reF7vjrwY0B5vBIwsgDf8msrPFzRaasxiskHXxaESrOkIbqmfSHpjRMPSOWVqA_opS-hWAh1SgcgTEsW0TI8IWCZ6uBM3GdfbRveq5hczlmlKzzxAhNLiHk/s320/bubsy5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mmm, can I get this with a Gex sandwich and a sideorder of Duke Nukem luncheon meat? </td></tr>
</tbody></table>They dive-bomb, hoping to both grab that goddamned helmet and eviscerate the annoying children at the same time, and somehow that's when Sid becomes the villainous counterpart of Arnold, because while this is happening, he gets hit with an airplane, struck by lightning, stabbed by cacti, infected with a life-threatening STD, sexually assaulted by Cuban pirates, and blown up by dynamite within a short span of time. See, when the cartoon feels like its cast of colorful talking animals aren't being charming enough to hold our attention, it hastily cobbles together slapstick in hopes that it'll squeeze some laughs out of its now half-asleep audience. Needless to say, it doesn't work. If anything, it just makes me feel really sorry for a character that I was previously indifferent to. Poor Sid needs a hug. And possibly some skin grafts. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_9bsEzU2HuwCPALwpNbBNMpsuE2YznfKENj5AJT9mfpixh0BjCDRrCRTyOFUMb3NoYKnDmyY_iKKykolBafUamfB_pp4GQtlu9lAf3EhmA1XTeghFb8qlRCyS8sx3EAbeAH-wTDBQdlg/s1600/bubsy6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_9bsEzU2HuwCPALwpNbBNMpsuE2YznfKENj5AJT9mfpixh0BjCDRrCRTyOFUMb3NoYKnDmyY_iKKykolBafUamfB_pp4GQtlu9lAf3EhmA1XTeghFb8qlRCyS8sx3EAbeAH-wTDBQdlg/s320/bubsy6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">God hates shrews, apparently.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Buzz and Sid then introduce themselves to the horrible little monsters. This is where Buzz loses some kudos from me, because instead of majestically walking up to the children and stabbing them to death with his razor sharp talons and beak and letting their blood flow like a grisly river of triumph, he has to flap his mighty jaw and go on about how he's a fantastic bird of prey because the bobcats called him a turkey. Come on, why should you care if your prey knows your exact species? Finish them already!<br />
<br />
This far into the cartoon, you can probably guess my main beef with this cartoon. <i><b>The characters talk way too damn much.</b></i> Now, I'm a fan of good dialogue, and I love a cartoon that has soulbreaking soliloquies about the deep torment nestled within the hearts of man, but not when the cartoon presents itself as something more lighthearted and slapstick-y and could just let the animation do the explaining! It's like if, in the Looney Tunes cartoons, Bugs Bunny had to stop every five seconds and talk about his traps. "See, by saying Rabbit Season instead of Duck Season, I confused my rival! I'm a rabbit!" Imagine sitting through that. That's exactly what I'm sitting through. I've lost the ability to hope.<br />
<br />
...oh, fine. The cartoon. Moving on...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmk01vz4ctv84ZL7XQwz5hLl-fNroPqR2-U4_FOebCS8c3gBPD09BWRrnNwBloMYEYaN6iFTUqjSB38BY3KSvOgh0y4zfvFprNZ-sE56Euy8hxPTr4VYedBq2zARvnASbCKT7pfdI4ZKY/s1600/bubsy7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmk01vz4ctv84ZL7XQwz5hLl-fNroPqR2-U4_FOebCS8c3gBPD09BWRrnNwBloMYEYaN6iFTUqjSB38BY3KSvOgh0y4zfvFprNZ-sE56Euy8hxPTr4VYedBq2zARvnASbCKT7pfdI4ZKY/s320/bubsy7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Don't ask why I'm able to wear this fetching vest and yet I can't find a decent pair of pants. <br />
The ways of the majestic buzzard are an enigma."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The kids somehow don't mind that some vicious predators just told them that they're going to eat them. In fact, if anything, they're delighted that they have some new friends, so they use the helmet to create a giant roller coaster. This is where the Virgil Reality Helmet goes from a whimsical plot device to subtly terrifying. Having two children, two otherwise stable if bratty little kids, turning a mere city into a giant theme park for a spur of the moment impulse is frightening. What about the people that live here? Were they crushed to death when the helmet spontaneously generated matter, or does the helmet actually take matter from the atmosphere and convert it into roller coaster? That roller coaster is made out of people, isn't it? Virgil, you madman! What have you doooone?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2rvHz7nqoeYTcFT5K4lmvhmO1E9sUlChauS1Q_DN19RPyhzig4KwFf4x6hzHbZaLIAsC6ijefaMtoOTNsJZ4uF5T_v4MaPZO6zTcjQ8ymi3CiV3J_m5Ve2DLusfVh3Oh4T0-FmAbiTkA/s1600/bubsy8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2rvHz7nqoeYTcFT5K4lmvhmO1E9sUlChauS1Q_DN19RPyhzig4KwFf4x6hzHbZaLIAsC6ijefaMtoOTNsJZ4uF5T_v4MaPZO6zTcjQ8ymi3CiV3J_m5Ve2DLusfVh3Oh4T0-FmAbiTkA/s320/bubsy8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who cares about the implications? Roller coasters!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, the others FINALLY figure out that the kids took the helmet. Think back to the previous scenes and how much talking and action there was in them and you'll instantly see why this scene is more than a little awkward. Was Bubsy and his cohorts just standing there, staring off into space for the last five minutes before their brain synapses finally put two and two together? Pacing sure is an issue here.<br />
<br />
And, since I'm sure you give such a crap about this character, it is here that we learn that the big-eyed cat's name is Oblivia, which sounds like a way better villain name than "Ally Cassandra". I'm guessing some name tags got misplaced while the designers were drawing up the character models. You know, assuming that they actually used character models instead of telling the sweatshops in Korea to somehow draw a white persian cat suffering from Keratitis.<br />
<br />
I'm also kind of curious as to what that machine in the back with the arc of electricity is meant to do. Since Virgil can invent a helmet that can essentially play God, I'm guessing that thing's a perpetual motion machine or the only calculator that can divide by zero.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyjGGATKIYAWj5hxOnBKET9tNFMR0XQfz8KVoCbSCiB3BJvn7sZBkG2FNVGUdfH8BL9RbNetp7H43rJ9z6EQ20qwmyGttDkz-hk-8tcGrzXERM5qNGO0dGmkJS-pUWv2c-wdZ-7of9KEQ/s1600/bubsy9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyjGGATKIYAWj5hxOnBKET9tNFMR0XQfz8KVoCbSCiB3BJvn7sZBkG2FNVGUdfH8BL9RbNetp7H43rJ9z6EQ20qwmyGttDkz-hk-8tcGrzXERM5qNGO0dGmkJS-pUWv2c-wdZ-7of9KEQ/s320/bubsy9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"And so then I told my doctor that my rectal bleeding only occurs when I eat a certain type of cereal, <br />
which seems like the weirdest thing in the world but is apparently perfectly natural..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After they discover the helmet is missing, the ground shakes from the roller coaster outside, even though that's totally not how roller coasters work. This causes Bubsy, that loveable little scamp, to make a fart joke involving burritos. Hah hah, potty humor, am I right? <br />
<br />
Or, at least, it <i>should've</i> been a fart joke, but judging by the position of Bubsy's hands and how he's swaying back and forth, this line was redubbed so that it'd be more fit for all age audiences. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOhI9YYGHDc43MwYWr22Msx-Lj_nWlTmkKPo0IHOHM9_xHwliy7dpBr7F2o4fO0VGkBHWJoE0PWsB5JfLQb13S05NCQStufINslrMn4ht2mEnqxrLDWNMHOcy44GZl6-cZ6sGi8MznvTc/s1600/bubsy10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOhI9YYGHDc43MwYWr22Msx-Lj_nWlTmkKPo0IHOHM9_xHwliy7dpBr7F2o4fO0VGkBHWJoE0PWsB5JfLQb13S05NCQStufINslrMn4ht2mEnqxrLDWNMHOcy44GZl6-cZ6sGi8MznvTc/s320/bubsy10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>They say that you'll go blind <br />
And your ruining your health <br />
But how can anybody love anyone in this crazy world<br />
If you can't love yourself?</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>So they exit the lab and it turns out the twins made the entire goddamn city into a giant amusement park. There is no sign of life for miles. Carousels spin without any occupants, and soulless tracks of dangerous rides stretch off as far as the eye can see. The psychic screams of the tormented souls of the dead float through the air in a swirling cloud of pain and agony.<br />
<br />
Truly Virgil's invention has brought good to the world!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmB4RmhkbGr5tUMkHZxRXMZnLQGIeRB03Dg5FymoY_bGQHesykkui3lujH21qhhpe4SVDwcM_N76DAh7oAB-0AjtUOJ0l1_9MxIpExN9U5WD1NB4cx57qnNq36ErIfBFZ1XP7j3zst7YQ/s1600/bubsy11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmB4RmhkbGr5tUMkHZxRXMZnLQGIeRB03Dg5FymoY_bGQHesykkui3lujH21qhhpe4SVDwcM_N76DAh7oAB-0AjtUOJ0l1_9MxIpExN9U5WD1NB4cx57qnNq36ErIfBFZ1XP7j3zst7YQ/s320/bubsy11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So...has the artist ever seen an actual roller coaster before?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Like any sane person, when faced with the crushing guilt that they may be responsible for the deaths of many innocent people, Virgil understandably freaks out. He also says that now the entire world is in danger, because their very existence, no, <i>the entire planet's</i> existence can be destroyed in an instant! Hey, good going inventing something that dangerous and then handing it off to complete strangers there, genius! It's funny how scientists in these cartoons can invent these gizmos that are essentially magical in function and yet can't use common sense. I mean, geez, the least he could've done was invent some sort of remote control so that he could turn it off in case something like this happens.<br />
<br />
Also, I know the twins are idiots and not at all likeable, but he's not seriously implying that soon one of them's going to grow bored and wish that the world would blow up, right? I understand that the helmet is essentially the most powerful thing ever created by mankind, but the only way the world would be threatened is if the person wearing the helmet wished it to be so. Sure, the twins made a roller coaster out of a city, but that's entirely different from complete annihilation.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfs88wJXZky5zWVjx8jVG8_3FcC21nsb7ob4f6O79xh5v7qulR_GmPyBb1gVY9cDCFewux0-xXArX200JdO-dlZJH_IdMEZCoywyhZz-xH-DNLTmK2wn7rIqnz6WHg7RTMZxhCCF58vW4/s1600/bubsy12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfs88wJXZky5zWVjx8jVG8_3FcC21nsb7ob4f6O79xh5v7qulR_GmPyBb1gVY9cDCFewux0-xXArX200JdO-dlZJH_IdMEZCoywyhZz-xH-DNLTmK2wn7rIqnz6WHg7RTMZxhCCF58vW4/s320/bubsy12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sorry I couldn't stop this roller coaster sooner, but there was trouble at the lab with the running <br />
and the exploding and the crying when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Glayven!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, something that's both disturbing and sexual in nature occurs. After he hears the poor weasel/rat/hedgehog thing nearly burst a blood vessel with how worried he is about the fate of their very existence, Bubsy grabs Virgil and...starts stroking his bowtie and telling him to loosen up while Virgil looks turned on. <br />
<br />
...well, now. Somehow this makes Bubsy more appealing. He completely ignores the wide-eyed hobgoblin clearly designed to be a love interest in favor of Virgil. This is breaking new ground! Our first wacky, hip, video game platformer mascot with attitude that has a different sexual orientation other than heterosexual. <br />
<br />
And thanks to this scene, I now ship it and want fanfics. Hope you're happy, cartoon.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUF6ZRnB_R_53zjwcKZmDxTD_rGgSmFgxmubAy7eVtOjFW4DFbHmQ0geDQqJJAhrv9gR9K6EExqgGWD-xMmyITdOUdWL9P1C2yJYtceWuAAeZhQLUXQJKD9gDPYLqsYgUqxj80MNsF89c/s1600/bubsy13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUF6ZRnB_R_53zjwcKZmDxTD_rGgSmFgxmubAy7eVtOjFW4DFbHmQ0geDQqJJAhrv9gR9K6EExqgGWD-xMmyITdOUdWL9P1C2yJYtceWuAAeZhQLUXQJKD9gDPYLqsYgUqxj80MNsF89c/s320/bubsy13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You don't need a helmet to make <i>my</i> dreams come true, sailor."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After flirting with the Baxter Stockman rat, Hip Talking Animal with 'Tude then has another stock footage-filled speech. I'll just sum it up so you won't have to suffer the inanity with me; Bubsy needs to get the magical plot device doohickey back, we somehow need to see a black-and-white video of two men boxing underwater in order to illustrate his point, he's the hero of the show, and "What can possibly go wrong?". Why do I get the feeling that if you trimmed 75% of this show, you'd still be left with the same plot? We don't need any of this!<br />
<br />
You gotta love how, after Bubsy says his mind-numbing catchphrase, he demonstrates just how much the animators get foreshortening. I'm enjoying how Bubsy somehow managed to turn into a living bobblehead in this scene. Art is hard!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdc9ruaRd-CPkAPzwQ_A6qu28v5Y3BByKjlXyp1jWtBTsj8Y_TfqXSl9PyI1ftc4gU-HUYLzl1OG7xZW5mhB_VOJ8XSm8SIV1b1rtyxJyv9PwPZNbpCucOBXLnh00Sy00OqsRPavEe9zw/s1600/bubsy14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdc9ruaRd-CPkAPzwQ_A6qu28v5Y3BByKjlXyp1jWtBTsj8Y_TfqXSl9PyI1ftc4gU-HUYLzl1OG7xZW5mhB_VOJ8XSm8SIV1b1rtyxJyv9PwPZNbpCucOBXLnh00Sy00OqsRPavEe9zw/s320/bubsy14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holy wonky perspective there, Batman.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But that's when Sucky McFailFace (aka Bubsy) is hit by a roller coaster car being driven by the twins. Before you get excited and start breaking out the champagne bottles, this does<b> not</b> kill the flea-infested annoyance. Instead, he ends up being dragged along the back of the car (and somehow <i>doesn't</i> get all of the flesh on his legs torn off by the friction) and that's when the animation takes a serious nose dive in favor of showing the kids traveling through wormholes. Don't ask me; I've ceased trying to figure out the motivation of this cartoon over ten minutes ago.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlPY6Ynb54Nn3jbiYlWDuyL52Lq5dHHIp6OAnqTCeXA5_jjlq9nKDjV7QkQNt9ai_8FEyb_0x5TnRG_jTOAXtUQYMOhQyqiwcHLcsvXl4Km-h6FRqRIPrgoEXwhcDLEBV2HVwVIgH_DzY/s1600/bubsy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlPY6Ynb54Nn3jbiYlWDuyL52Lq5dHHIp6OAnqTCeXA5_jjlq9nKDjV7QkQNt9ai_8FEyb_0x5TnRG_jTOAXtUQYMOhQyqiwcHLcsvXl4Km-h6FRqRIPrgoEXwhcDLEBV2HVwVIgH_DzY/s320/bubsy.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh my God, it's full of stars!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Want to see how inventive this show is? They actually show the same piece of animation <i>three times</i>. Bubsy talks to the buzzard about "humbling" him (because the cartoon needs to remind us that Bubsy is an egotistical dickhole), then talks to the twins, and then talks to the twins some more, all while using the same footage that's spliced inbetween shots of them riding various roller coaster loops. Oh sure, sometimes they'll flip it the other way in order to disguise the fact that they're reusing animation, but they can't hide it. Man, Loonatics Unleashed has nothing on this. <br />
<br />
I also want to know how Bubsy's genitalia fared during that trip. I know mascots with attitude don't typically wear pants but they probably would've done Bubsy some good here.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2QVhOmL7YqzDblAB2jAgRPWDsCR-chAr91cEfuOvw86w5rhD13oA_GpjF-OWO2E-C0oaLXX92oeqm4jLLubu1IqOQ8ECVRj-19R4CUy0SnFTiBbSuN4dc0ac09rsDcKSAkD-CQYrKRWk/s1600/bubsy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2QVhOmL7YqzDblAB2jAgRPWDsCR-chAr91cEfuOvw86w5rhD13oA_GpjF-OWO2E-C0oaLXX92oeqm4jLLubu1IqOQ8ECVRj-19R4CUy0SnFTiBbSuN4dc0ac09rsDcKSAkD-CQYrKRWk/s320/bubsy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I don't know how I'm still alive!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The roller coaster stops, and, after a weird unexplained scene where the kids are temporarily fifty feet tall (which isn't funny, doesn't add anything to the plot, and is gone after less than a minute, making it entirely pointless), Bubsy finally is fed up with their crap and gives them a severe talking down to while the kids say that they're just having fun. This was the one point in the entire cartoon that I was actually rooting for our main protagonist, for not only was he yelling at them, but he actually looks like he's going to strangle them on top of that. Yeah, go Bubsy! Rid the world of these little demons!<br />
<br />
I know it's kind of pathetic for me, the simple writer of this blog, to be absolutely disgusted with what are essentially kittens, but at this point, I actually agreed with Arnold when he told them that they should go to jail, even though he was using hyperbole. If you stare that the bobcat twins for too long, you'll actually receive a prophetic vision of you killing the person in your life that you love the most. True story.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYu-k2OAyiZjRSe1_5Cr3_PISterGpdZrdAn0dM1BtxDRC-E-CTShwBQToADT_5CXBG04cGIId3w7kZiXvRu_-woLsdo6zRQFlItH_M_iFI3VwCmdb485VYQz2k70wvXcoDqUUXwcQsGk/s1600/bubsy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYu-k2OAyiZjRSe1_5Cr3_PISterGpdZrdAn0dM1BtxDRC-E-CTShwBQToADT_5CXBG04cGIId3w7kZiXvRu_-woLsdo6zRQFlItH_M_iFI3VwCmdb485VYQz2k70wvXcoDqUUXwcQsGk/s320/bubsy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love that there are characters in this universe that are so annoying that even <i>Bubsy</i> can't put up with them.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But wait, we still have actual villains in this cartoon! Shortly after the diseased vermin in a T-shirt grabs the helmet from the annoying little brats (hopefully while planning to kill them and then blame their deaths on the purple shrew and the snobby buzzard) and says his catchphrase for the fifty thousandth time, Buzz flies overhead, drops Sid on Bubsy, and the shrew manages to grab the helmet. But somehow this is only a minor inconvenience, for Bubsy is able to get the helmet back, because he trades Sid the helmet in exchange for a corn dog with dynamite inside, all while saying "What can possibly go wrong?". <br />
<br />
...wow. I guess it is possible to write a paragraph that doesn't make any goddamn sense despite using actual words in the English language.<br />
<br />
Also, my question is, where in god's name did Bubsy get a corn dog packed with explosives? We didn't see him use the universe-altering helmet in order to make it pop into existence, so that can only mean that our hero honest to god carries stale corn dogs around in his pockets with fuses hanging out of them in hopes that he'll run into villains that can be easily bribed with food. What the hell am I watching? I think it's giving my electronic devices a severe mental illness.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSwOj5UwzsXtxtJWsjbz9dNOPOob3WNglhVseloAvubwe0o_HJz9gtOBcGT3i19LdhQAr6a3TjGYwQ5kujlCSMkt5A8pB0jS8mO2F_XsV-3zG_F5hFzHUo8DPo3w_5gNX77sOkhowQcpE/s1600/bubsy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSwOj5UwzsXtxtJWsjbz9dNOPOob3WNglhVseloAvubwe0o_HJz9gtOBcGT3i19LdhQAr6a3TjGYwQ5kujlCSMkt5A8pB0jS8mO2F_XsV-3zG_F5hFzHUo8DPo3w_5gNX77sOkhowQcpE/s320/bubsy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">eBay in a nutshell.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Wouldn't you know it. Turns out giving the main villains a dynamite-filled corn dog wasn't such a great idea, (and I'm tickled pink that I'm able to say something like that out loud) because the explosion actually sends the villains sailing through the air and they manage to grab the helmet and get away. I applaud the writer of this cartoon for finally getting surreal humor. Or at least I would, if both my hands weren't frozen in the middle finger position as a side-effect of watching this. <br />
<br />
But it's all worth it, because my favorite scene in this entire pilot happens next. While the heroes are lying on the ground in a daze, with both the twins and the helmet missing, Arnold then snaps and starts yelling "What could possibly go wrong? <i>What could possibly go wrong?</i><b><i> What could possibly go wrong!?</i></b>" at Bubsy. That's when I gave this cartoon a standing ovation. I love that Arnold has had it with Bubsy's crap and started calling him out like this. Here's another character that probably would've been a better main lead than our actual main lead.<br />
<br />
Also notice that Arnold is now somehow bigger than Bubsy even though previous scenes and later scenes will show Bubsy being able to pick Arnold up. Size consistency is for squares!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghH0ESCWqc7Ie6w7J9KvlNIs-genU0pGuzZdH8vDw1abskBtk0OiiT2h5L0t7YYKrI44LPGNYkP2lpINIaSt3cclsKGlgDzB-ltqC89RfZ1fPjHb0r_QPWRY4slALoaPS9daVrIIXWMcY/s1600/bubsy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghH0ESCWqc7Ie6w7J9KvlNIs-genU0pGuzZdH8vDw1abskBtk0OiiT2h5L0t7YYKrI44LPGNYkP2lpINIaSt3cclsKGlgDzB-ltqC89RfZ1fPjHb0r_QPWRY4slALoaPS9daVrIIXWMcY/s320/bubsy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"And while I'm at it, I never liked your video games either! They're frustrating and <br />
filled with cheap deaths and poorly designed obstacles!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I love how Buzz flies when he's carrying the MacGuffin, by the way. The fact that he's able to stay airborne despite carrying two bobcats, a shrew, and a helmet is an incredible feat on its own, but he compounds this by doing this all while not having his wings free. He's honestly flying around while shaking his arms up and down despite the biological impossibilities. Buzzards are impressive creatures. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8-PUfsl2ka7rt6KyLHkYzXuZZoraOeP3Lz1YmxXhrwEbresZZ4qCdqqDnEU4Dzt0kKboNCT9GKO8qFp88SmnZRaWUHFGyzLf3qfal5AYCQDC3qozduN4_WkMysBlCRGfIt-eEjrXyioo/s1600/bubsy5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8-PUfsl2ka7rt6KyLHkYzXuZZoraOeP3Lz1YmxXhrwEbresZZ4qCdqqDnEU4Dzt0kKboNCT9GKO8qFp88SmnZRaWUHFGyzLf3qfal5AYCQDC3qozduN4_WkMysBlCRGfIt-eEjrXyioo/s320/bubsy5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2OhHjvlBE-lzoCafQ2RIF-G5iMDwMVdTMrVx2pT9keROVe9rm2Ylv7PMtlhsdWRsL8ZX3_rtJtJd2nbPomJHZNkNY9WETtN-JVFIlNIpNiEqLImYhMLP9I9wf0bmZR1IOL_hwnZk3XYw/s1600/bubsy6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2OhHjvlBE-lzoCafQ2RIF-G5iMDwMVdTMrVx2pT9keROVe9rm2Ylv7PMtlhsdWRsL8ZX3_rtJtJd2nbPomJHZNkNY9WETtN-JVFIlNIpNiEqLImYhMLP9I9wf0bmZR1IOL_hwnZk3XYw/s320/bubsy6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I would love to see him drop and break that thing, if only for the reactions on everyone's faces.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So now Ally (yeah, remember her?) has the magical plot device, and the first thing she does when she has the helmet is say that at last she finally has the helmet and she use it to make her rich and powerful. Man, the characters of this cartoon just love stating the obvious, don't they? <br />
<br />
Now, you'd think our main villain having something that can change all of reality would make them just a little bit threatening, but luckily for Bubsy, Ally's the kind of villain who wishes for useless, menial crap like diamond rings and nice leather sofas instead of, oh I don't know, <i>using it to take over the world, maybe</i>? After over two minutes of a speech where she talks about how Virgil Reality's invention will make her the most powerful creature in the universe and she'll finally be the richest kitty in this catatonic town (and yes, they actually use that pun), the worst she does is spontaneously create some diamonds and a television show starring her. That's it. <i>This</i> is the animation equivalent of crushed expectations. Hate to say it, but this makes the Captain Planet villains look downright effective. When Verminous Skumm said he was going to poison all of Brazil with his rat rot, he really meant it. <br />
<br />
And it's a little late to be asking this question, but what was the thing that made Ally Cassandra the way she is? Sure, she's not an effective villain, but she's still pretty nasty, if she hires people willing to resort to cannibalism. Did she lose most of her family's fortune and then succumbed to a terrible eating disorder in a hopeless attempt to fill the black void in her heart? What's her story? What's <i>anyone's</i> story, really? For crying out loud, somebody exposition something that actually explains a character's motivations!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4LrdfHuQ6TYraXslsz4O4ypjMrhH9Ir-Rz5LAEt-XGmHXOAdtLrMkCXLyLh0WooG07cscUIzyFFL2YAA6bx8aLZcQdqYN7L8PBOUNMilsd2Ji3VnKNa2zbtXKtF-yUSlzL7NgMkQvyS8/s1600/bubsy7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4LrdfHuQ6TYraXslsz4O4ypjMrhH9Ir-Rz5LAEt-XGmHXOAdtLrMkCXLyLh0WooG07cscUIzyFFL2YAA6bx8aLZcQdqYN7L8PBOUNMilsd2Ji3VnKNa2zbtXKtF-yUSlzL7NgMkQvyS8/s320/bubsy7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"And then, after I'm done narrating my plan, I'm going to make sure that your death trap <br />
will be slow and easy to escape from."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But I'm able to forgive that in a moment, because that's when Buzz cheerfully asks for permission from his boss to go eat the small children he brought home. Best part is, Boring Main Villain allows them, even though she's a cat herself and there should be some law against kidnapping someone, murdering them, and eating their remains. Either way, I'm now baking a cake in Buzz's honor. Anyone willing to end the existence of the bobcat twins is a hero of the highest caliber. <br />
<br />
Also, this scene makes me question how other carnivores in this show eat. According to this show, all the animals are sentient. We never see Bubsy eat anything, when bobcats are predator animals like buzzards. Does Bubsy ever have to go to some rabbit's house and brutally snap their necks in order to make dinner? <br />
<br />
...oh god. <i>What was that corn dog from earlier made out of</i>?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrhTlnaQDgeX04Z1JL5S2UGNIR7-RuSCyif3aLw6hVJQaCtJ3rhyMCFwr5Ro1yjX4nyXIlsSwG9mVFRcn0nlt-NVykJikwHk-GiR5jnuQOgHgAklN8VzD45PNcl5MKs3aKg7kBTvWXQUI/s1600/bubsy8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrhTlnaQDgeX04Z1JL5S2UGNIR7-RuSCyif3aLw6hVJQaCtJ3rhyMCFwr5Ro1yjX4nyXIlsSwG9mVFRcn0nlt-NVykJikwHk-GiR5jnuQOgHgAklN8VzD45PNcl5MKs3aKg7kBTvWXQUI/s320/bubsy8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Buzz really needs to wax his eyebrows.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, back at asshole headquarters, <strike>Jar Jar Binks</strike> <i>Bubsy</i> is distraught that he got outsmarted by a turkey and a rat, and he turns from a mascot with attitude into the bobcat version of Eeyore and starts constantly belittling himself and calling himself a failure. Hey, it turns out this character has emotions besides assholish glee. Who would've thunk?<br />
<br />
I'm sorry, Bubsy, but it's hard to take your little emo session seriously. I just saw a scene where you handed a giant talking shrew an explosive corn dog. I had to sit through not one but two smug and self-satisfied speeches about how great you are while at the same time comparing yourself to the <i>moon landing</i>. You can't seriously be trying to have a moment here where I'm supposed to connect with you and sympathetically feel your pain. It's a bit late for that!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4qbIHGO0p_lruIQ4QXerMNcduPxu9K5HCvmWe9a64pW6HSJm60mjTrQHr-Yr4Xx9e4te0CQuuFW9cQjTtz8U49FdoAD8tlkDQ5sHFONz6eVsoNFhE0v7Lv35NxNpl0PLHWi8nJejIunE/s1600/bubsy9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4qbIHGO0p_lruIQ4QXerMNcduPxu9K5HCvmWe9a64pW6HSJm60mjTrQHr-Yr4Xx9e4te0CQuuFW9cQjTtz8U49FdoAD8tlkDQ5sHFONz6eVsoNFhE0v7Lv35NxNpl0PLHWi8nJejIunE/s320/bubsy9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm going to grab my iPod and listen to Linkin Park now."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Virgil, not wanting to heap anymore pressure on Bubsy, corrects his biological mistake and then says that the world is doomed thanks to him. Oh, that Virgil. You can always count on him to cheer someone up.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Oblivia, looking like an odd Garfield mutant, just kind of stands there with half-lidded eyes. Is that supposed to be an<i> expression</i>? Is she reacting to Bubsy's pain or is she just bored? If the bobcat twins didn't exist, I would say she was the worst designed character on this show.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIVYwSrlB0C0Ub5y0bqUKEfsRJ-Lk5sV95ucy3jUd0MC7I_INy_1cR88x2bupke7l4jSLpVaZakYA1ShQgyURevOqmINDYE4KZeg6Z52wQHIiJeYEnlaU3SyHVsb4PE6Az44f4tNRM1a8/s1600/bubsy10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIVYwSrlB0C0Ub5y0bqUKEfsRJ-Lk5sV95ucy3jUd0MC7I_INy_1cR88x2bupke7l4jSLpVaZakYA1ShQgyURevOqmINDYE4KZeg6Z52wQHIiJeYEnlaU3SyHVsb4PE6Az44f4tNRM1a8/s320/bubsy10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Neither of us are in the games!? Then why are we even starring in this pilot for?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Bubsy, making sure that no scene ends without it overlasting his welcome, is so sad that he starts randomly making cat puns (even though he never made any in the rest of the episode) while hitting himself in the head with an armadillo. This cartoon can suck the joy out of anything, even crippling depression and wanton abuse to someone with a grievous head injury.<br />
<br />
...why does only Arnold have a bandage over his head? Bubsy was caught in that explosion too!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW0jkwY4mqdEQHiaZZtF3ASrNLQTGM-BoXU16psPSBy1-3YDy1yDHTNwXRJAdJEq_M3sqlUZWx_paapyiDaz2Wd1c-2sSC7iu02U3x6EhsSBtTD-rPQWSuw0RgUYuQHl66GfoWi3ZZjkM/s1600/bubsy11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW0jkwY4mqdEQHiaZZtF3ASrNLQTGM-BoXU16psPSBy1-3YDy1yDHTNwXRJAdJEq_M3sqlUZWx_paapyiDaz2Wd1c-2sSC7iu02U3x6EhsSBtTD-rPQWSuw0RgUYuQHl66GfoWi3ZZjkM/s320/bubsy11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Comedy?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Somehow, by hurting Arnold, this snaps him out of it (yeah, I'm just as confused as you are), and he tells everyone that he's going to go get the helmet and the twins back. Hooray for bipolar mood swings! This causes Virgil to support the dumbass's cause by pulling out his patented Virgil Reality Helmet Tracking Device. Oh geez. Can this character at least <i>try</i> to act slightly different from Baxter Stockman? I'm pretty sure there were episodes of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where Baxter Stockman invented tracking devices that looked exactly like that.<br />
<br />
And <i>why the hell didn't he use that earlier</i>? That should've been his first thought when he saw the helmet went missing!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIxmGSiyyxCF2Ol5R9aFJwg56EpJDsNyyFLq8O4rkGfLAFm9gEewWB_ho2W4Qxob484dmAeHsEYESEpH35NkS4IYT8x7JppfVBZCeB7U78a0fKq6jf3j5bV_m9CRmNpGRI68OzsKT3fEs/s1600/bubsy12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIxmGSiyyxCF2Ol5R9aFJwg56EpJDsNyyFLq8O4rkGfLAFm9gEewWB_ho2W4Qxob484dmAeHsEYESEpH35NkS4IYT8x7JppfVBZCeB7U78a0fKq6jf3j5bV_m9CRmNpGRI68OzsKT3fEs/s320/bubsy12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm now going to check for polyps in your colon. You might want to bend over."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>However, Bubsy doesn't want to actually use logic. Instead, he's going to look up the villains in the phone book and then ask for their address over the phone. <b>Thrilling</b>!<b><br />
<br />
</b>...and yes, <i>this actually works</i><b>. </b>Because everyone in this universe is a massive idiot and to expect more out of the villains is to ask for too much from this production.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicwQB3ZLrHCKPcBHTHKkVbNhwxK-ZGJ5dsGY4TAmSCAIIpgzWVADdXuFh240HF-aTHMK7onHCqlynE7R1mJfH4EryoGPVcbVkrzWcuV24gmQq3lTi6RDo_xf4pRGDKnup5sJy5gFgNY2Q/s1600/bubsy13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicwQB3ZLrHCKPcBHTHKkVbNhwxK-ZGJ5dsGY4TAmSCAIIpgzWVADdXuFh240HF-aTHMK7onHCqlynE7R1mJfH4EryoGPVcbVkrzWcuV24gmQq3lTi6RDo_xf4pRGDKnup5sJy5gFgNY2Q/s320/bubsy13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRiIcIw0TmEcETFHN9FVPG12VVt9NxgaeEJnpegjOxNLKbTvq96xDuEbTnKyy9TbvxEn2ZdrQXvudfVgWbIoMhJw9O9IW4muzvXlWx9PYKe1_5mull-ZNFjIAzrMrgNU8nMCGQoWhXGXg/s1600/bubsy14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRiIcIw0TmEcETFHN9FVPG12VVt9NxgaeEJnpegjOxNLKbTvq96xDuEbTnKyy9TbvxEn2ZdrQXvudfVgWbIoMhJw9O9IW4muzvXlWx9PYKe1_5mull-ZNFjIAzrMrgNU8nMCGQoWhXGXg/s320/bubsy14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, why use the impressive scientific tracking device when you can animate <br />
your main character looking things up in the phone book?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, our main villain starts whining about the helmet to her minions because it's ruining her haircut. Oh, for crap's sakes, lady! First you wanted the helmet in order to make you the most powerful person in the universe, and now you're complaining about it? This is the stupidest thing I've heard come from a villain's mouth since that time Dr. Paradigm from Street Sharks starting talking about how piranhas are soulless eating machines that care not for love and family. Sure, it's a reality-warping helmet that can make all of your dreams come true, but <i>god forbid it mess up your hair</i>. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtxsAkwh1w6PvVHzVEYdcWpj7MbiaVRlQbgVF-6fY9w4Kw3sjat6acf0LmcAAz2Dmf7KYIUuZxt-I-5JbvPurk7EuAZ4gljr1mUzaJLFwNw4dOOQX_jGS8iK30skVq7As6Rxswdo-DYKQ/s1600/bubsy15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtxsAkwh1w6PvVHzVEYdcWpj7MbiaVRlQbgVF-6fY9w4Kw3sjat6acf0LmcAAz2Dmf7KYIUuZxt-I-5JbvPurk7EuAZ4gljr1mUzaJLFwNw4dOOQX_jGS8iK30skVq7As6Rxswdo-DYKQ/s320/bubsy15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ally's about one decade too late for that hairdo.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and remember my problem with how the characters talk too much? Well, it comes up here. You know how Bubsy called the villains to get their address? That entire scene where he pulls out a phone book and then writes the address down is not enough. In addition to that, we have to have this "joke" hammered into our skulls, because Buzz has to go "Did you give the hero our address?" to Sid and then say "The hero got our address" to Ally. For the love of all that is holy, you could be using this time you're flapping your gums and pointing out plot points that already happened by eating Bubsy's niece and nephew. Ever think of that, Buzz?<br />
<br />
I'm also kind of curious as to what the green liquid covering Buzz is made out of, although I'm pretty sure I don't really want to know.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMkRaIhFhogocligaauJ7L4TWT_RMwbBeFP9ksvE40vMV1TGm7xkI6QgqqshuBEEoez9l3q7FRq-JAxeRJMb97HtDuFqMZedyIqsG_vTemzEH8Jn6S8Lo_AoxR1zt1ceW1GBAoX4G78Ls/s1600/bubsy16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMkRaIhFhogocligaauJ7L4TWT_RMwbBeFP9ksvE40vMV1TGm7xkI6QgqqshuBEEoez9l3q7FRq-JAxeRJMb97HtDuFqMZedyIqsG_vTemzEH8Jn6S8Lo_AoxR1zt1ceW1GBAoX4G78Ls/s320/bubsy16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"And while I'm talking, I might as well point out that the main character of this cartoon is named Bubsy, and his catchphrase is 'What can possibly go wrong?'. Also, Arnold happens to be his sidekick, and he's afraid of trucks!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Ally has a solution though. All they have to do is refuse to answer the door. <br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
...can't argue with that logic.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlYSW11QcAUO9T-YlJSv-usn5MzAG1F11EaqeWP2k6PveqPGTK9tAJlGLZfqE0RydVdsh4AARfu_k2IZTW1ABmQXxF-v4SiKoxXjm41BDWeltyUwUJiaf6QZ3XbTkSO68gWzE4M3UTJ_g/s1600/bubsy17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlYSW11QcAUO9T-YlJSv-usn5MzAG1F11EaqeWP2k6PveqPGTK9tAJlGLZfqE0RydVdsh4AARfu_k2IZTW1ABmQXxF-v4SiKoxXjm41BDWeltyUwUJiaf6QZ3XbTkSO68gWzE4M3UTJ_g/s320/bubsy17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Or, you know, I could use this helmet to turn Bubsy into a pile of ash or something, but where's the fun in that?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Despite the sheer cunning in Ally's plan, <strike>Scrappy Doo</strike> <i>Bubsy</i> and his friends walk into the mansion and that's when we get our climactic struggle of good verus evil, a terrible battle in which there will be few survivors. Future poets will sing praises of Bubsy's heroism and of Arnold's noble sacrifice, for this will be a fight that will inspire all of mankind.<br />
<br />
...or Bubsy will just say that he's going to "humble" an overweight women with a bad taste in haircuts while the rest of his friends just kind of stand off to the side and take up space. Whichever works for the animators. <br />
<br />
And I hate to point this out, since I've tried to keep my mouth shut about the whole "this franchise is basically a carbon copy of Sonic's franchise in an attempt to steal some of his audience" but in some scenes, Bubsy's eyes really look remarkably similar to Sonic's. All you have to do is erase a line. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-YqXCn8rnYBiMtUovcfSdMf1_iULY3xJ1LPDQgKKBnMaXC8ztIZUi4b04HkFyGOFNHO7-QqzsCdmF9Negg4eRiN_Uw0xBugfpcM2kMI26xVpiGeGLH-M4xqroR-Xdo-4vZec7Z2mI3yc/s1600/bubsy18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-YqXCn8rnYBiMtUovcfSdMf1_iULY3xJ1LPDQgKKBnMaXC8ztIZUi4b04HkFyGOFNHO7-QqzsCdmF9Negg4eRiN_Uw0xBugfpcM2kMI26xVpiGeGLH-M4xqroR-Xdo-4vZec7Z2mI3yc/s320/bubsy18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Funniest thing is, this won't even be the lowest point in my career! I still have Bubsy 3D to star in!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The overweight an uninteresting villain responds to the home intruders by using her chalkboard. You know, that prop from the very beginning of this pilot that introduced this character? In Bubsy's world, no gag is used only once. Everything is recycled. It's good for the environment.<br />
<br />
...but I can't hate on the chalkboard too much, because it gives Oblivia her one good moment, because she, after making a statement on her attractiveness and intelligence, actually takes the chalkboard and uses it to attack the main villain. Okay, gotta give credit where credit is due. This was actually pretty funny. See? This is how you set up cartoon violence, Calico Creations! I'm glad you actually remembered!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSj0ntCsq_wDeYyhwNZsk4loJh35kCushFPAb5j5SKTHE1Ujq0c9ymJqABmF5tHzw6sxvDj_RBhlieV6clVe7fy_Yb0cIq30xL1d-33wNqerSslM9bDNeZhnkgVUIYQxwrQ0dZMRgEoDw/s1600/bubsy19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSj0ntCsq_wDeYyhwNZsk4loJh35kCushFPAb5j5SKTHE1Ujq0c9ymJqABmF5tHzw6sxvDj_RBhlieV6clVe7fy_Yb0cIq30xL1d-33wNqerSslM9bDNeZhnkgVUIYQxwrQ0dZMRgEoDw/s320/bubsy19.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF_THuQ2RwEJ1V7gCJzxvKvgQrizXsAOU3CPqUv3cUfktVl9mxYsUxBDFVTGt9jfLAg4gkYGBrHu1PHTXOnHRiSK9nymBvsmDePyEkOWAZQFig9-BP10fzQFk4eGRmEq6cdxSLyC2ZOfY/s1600/bubsy20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF_THuQ2RwEJ1V7gCJzxvKvgQrizXsAOU3CPqUv3cUfktVl9mxYsUxBDFVTGt9jfLAg4gkYGBrHu1PHTXOnHRiSK9nymBvsmDePyEkOWAZQFig9-BP10fzQFk4eGRmEq6cdxSLyC2ZOfY/s320/bubsy20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ladies and gentlemen, the reason why Oblivia exists.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The chalkboard to the forehead caused Miss Fatty VonExpositionpants to drop the helmet, and that's when the cartoon devolves into a series of short gags where each of the characters fight with each other to get the helmet and start wishing for their heart's desires. I assure you, it's a lot less interesting than it sounds. It's almost depressing seeing a cartoon run out of steam when it really doesn't have any steam to begin with.<br />
<br />
Possibly because the cartoon's running low on its allocated budget, none of the characters create any drastic changes to the environment around them either. We're not going to see anymore nightmarish landscapes coated with twisted roller coasters that would not exist in a sane world. Instead, we're confined to Ally's mansion (and we never actually saw the design of her house, come to think of it) and we get things like corn dogs and birthday cake. I hate everything.<br />
<br />
And man, I know I shouldn't complain about the imaginations of these characters, but did Sid seriously only wish for <i>one </i>corn dog? He's been established as a big eater! It'd make way more sense if everyone suddenly drowned in a literal ocean of corn dogs. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz_udduJmb_Q6qzi0W0REBcGLZmUdlAuf8fVLPUrBUJ34cud7iOgLe6dZebulWfmJ1o17_1hsM3t0mr5CcVKJJpEbYsVx4e6XygCgsLOzu0mgTkJ7nT0ZpE0-SdSqBvxaV1j4wcJ9_Hd4/s1600/bubsy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz_udduJmb_Q6qzi0W0REBcGLZmUdlAuf8fVLPUrBUJ34cud7iOgLe6dZebulWfmJ1o17_1hsM3t0mr5CcVKJJpEbYsVx4e6XygCgsLOzu0mgTkJ7nT0ZpE0-SdSqBvxaV1j4wcJ9_Hd4/s320/bubsy.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here's another character that would make a much better main lead than Bubsy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, suddenly, this cartoon takes a turn for the disturbing, for when Oblivia gets the helmet, she imagines herself marrying Bubsy.<br />
<br />
...okay then. Way for <i>that</i> pairing to come out of nowhere, animators. Oblivia and Bubsy barely shared any conversations with each other (and none of them contained any flirtation or, hell, any positive emotions beyond mild pleasantness) and yet we're supposed to believe that Oblivia's biggest wish is that she wants to become Mrs. Bobcat. Yeah, not buying it. She had way more chemistry with Virgil.<br />
<br />
To this show's credit, Bubsy is pretty pissed by this whole thing and doesn't succumb to random love interest syndrome. I guess it's because it's been pretty established that Bubsy likes men. Come on, we all saw what he was doing to Virgil earlier, and that's not even getting into his strange sadomasochistic relationship with his armadillo sidekick. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTMwnoA9ATzKXaIsLd7hmdyl7oYWqUEoCJ26LQ1f9h4t4CkuTeHtfMW8M1heax4LE9aR76rSChfRzdpmHQgiZBW8y-7rZHcr6GZcfRI4dbakLi6klCYzSkhVJHk0FsCBPsREM_Pgqk6hA/s1600/bubsy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTMwnoA9ATzKXaIsLd7hmdyl7oYWqUEoCJ26LQ1f9h4t4CkuTeHtfMW8M1heax4LE9aR76rSChfRzdpmHQgiZBW8y-7rZHcr6GZcfRI4dbakLi6klCYzSkhVJHk0FsCBPsREM_Pgqk6hA/s320/bubsy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I want a divorce!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Finally, Bubsy gets the helmet, but, thanks the wonders of comedic timing, that's when the helmet's about the explode from the extended use. It must be built out of X-Box 360 parts, that helmet. I have to wonder how that thing's supposed to stop all wars and solve world hunger if it can't even handle creating a corn dog and a wedding in the same day. <br />
<br />
Random, but now I'm kind of pissed that all of the characters got to use the helmet <i>except for Virgil</i>, who is by far the most bearable character in this entire pilot. What does he want more than anything in the world? I demand closure!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEk6L7urVKah5wY6ojsgoghasudjyCcY2Ld4_w1wu9W4kAU7-oYvcYoGVL_g2r2eF3DRLVlz4WqT9-I211ovDe8WJLDWjaEl6S7xYgx4sOaCXsPXb7n68wGcaI1p3q88LlG-ZUhG-aJqk/s1600/bubsy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEk6L7urVKah5wY6ojsgoghasudjyCcY2Ld4_w1wu9W4kAU7-oYvcYoGVL_g2r2eF3DRLVlz4WqT9-I211ovDe8WJLDWjaEl6S7xYgx4sOaCXsPXb7n68wGcaI1p3q88LlG-ZUhG-aJqk/s320/bubsy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"How do you even put up with this man on a daily basis? He's only said <br />
'What can possibly go wrong?' twice and already I want to kill myself."</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Despite receiving warnings from characters much less annoying than him, Bubsy's going to use it anyways, even though he really only has one wish left before the thing becomes too dangerous for proper use. What's his mindblowing idea, the incredible thing that's going to save the world?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiebD1IT5Be2h2TkCnC5oU7S73rxm6GgcYiRTaLmGRVAUty8EdmLlj3h7z5_AzRu8K0fgIDXmaavq4lTt4OK4V-_2_KdQ8qyqSY4iDRRKIJdEXR4WnFTkS6WB53UjBgIuLDcsZ5nta8Hg/s1600/bubsy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiebD1IT5Be2h2TkCnC5oU7S73rxm6GgcYiRTaLmGRVAUty8EdmLlj3h7z5_AzRu8K0fgIDXmaavq4lTt4OK4V-_2_KdQ8qyqSY4iDRRKIJdEXR4WnFTkS6WB53UjBgIuLDcsZ5nta8Hg/s320/bubsy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I see Bubsy got a mind evaporator from Art Carney as a Life Day present.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Why, he's going to imagine the bad guys tied up, of course! And Bubsy, like the smug asswipe that he is, acts like this somehow saved the entire planet. No offense, Bubsy, but Ally was complaining that the helmet was ruining her hair and was only using it to make furniture in her house. That's not exactly World War III material there. <br />
<br />
Also, I want my money back. I don't care if this broadcast is technically free. I want someone to pay for the irreversible trauma this special has caused.<br />
<br />
You also gotta love how, even though Bubsy is a video game star and has things like a proton gun and the ability to shoot atoms at enemies, he never actually uses any of those powers in a way that makes for a thrilling conclusion. Instead, the magic helmet takes care of the job. Helmets! They solve your weakly written plot's conflicts without any exciting action! Guaranteed!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6FZb8fXrlGxJ5gY1iSdEEe57UkDUHvcTO7Re-gPgIO3EANJbAwny8hGdkKFdqsma1tE9TTdXUSXfI_7iV5XKgcg1TzcMJhBWeu2ayACOj3PT-VSBHrEmUUnfFgWjSLBQj_es3F48TZQs/s1600/bubsy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6FZb8fXrlGxJ5gY1iSdEEe57UkDUHvcTO7Re-gPgIO3EANJbAwny8hGdkKFdqsma1tE9TTdXUSXfI_7iV5XKgcg1TzcMJhBWeu2ayACOj3PT-VSBHrEmUUnfFgWjSLBQj_es3F48TZQs/s320/bubsy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
And, just in case you were wondering if Bubsy had any redeemable qualities, he has to go through great lengths to say that the day was saved because he's a hero for crying out loud (and after sitting through this, his hero status is <i>really goddamn debatable</i>), and that the very people of the universe should be thanking him for outsmarting a hungry shrew, a snobby buzzard, and a worthless piece of blubber who can't stop talking for two seconds in order to actually do anything. I see <i>somebody </i>has a superiority complex they need to sort out.<br />
<br />
As you can probably tell, this ending is really disappointing, even when it's attached to a pilot as weak as this. If anything, I feel like apologizing for DiC Entertainment for making fun of Street Sharks. Goofy as they may be, they at least managed to at least have <i>action</i> in their episodes' climaxes. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSMaqMnOD79XjptZvRY-1A-t0-orquC5lWGNTPRdk1X8r0SeDrXf8bTt7KLG6m4Vk11HKRi2z2KRgq-yndGgQTSQxI_7NcxczN57AV3yTIVeXCzn1yOi9vatFDY34FsTZVSlC093YPKPE/s1600/bubsy5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSMaqMnOD79XjptZvRY-1A-t0-orquC5lWGNTPRdk1X8r0SeDrXf8bTt7KLG6m4Vk11HKRi2z2KRgq-yndGgQTSQxI_7NcxczN57AV3yTIVeXCzn1yOi9vatFDY34FsTZVSlC093YPKPE/s320/bubsy5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You can’t process me with a normal brain."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After another stock footage filled speech that I'm choosing to ignore, Bubsy decides that he's going to take the doomsday device responsible for all of the problems that happened today for another spin. That's when Virgil tells Bubsy that he shouldn't use the helmet now or else he'll just get electrocuted.<br />
<br />
Guess what Bubsy's response to that was. If you guess anything other than "What can possibly go wrong?", you're obviously not paying attention, or expect way too much from this cartoon.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4wvPwGZWTajuhN6ory9rPmHrrw_V6sJw1BSkFRoEdN7fGMtFdBaqEiSH2dMwJEzM_lbY2vhhSj-_KI-Q3pFkPW2ZicPpoRk8fsqRHXw9HoH9cQOqEfAZ0yxOfCFs3QAAbJmGN2zHGxd8/s1600/bubsy6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4wvPwGZWTajuhN6ory9rPmHrrw_V6sJw1BSkFRoEdN7fGMtFdBaqEiSH2dMwJEzM_lbY2vhhSj-_KI-Q3pFkPW2ZicPpoRk8fsqRHXw9HoH9cQOqEfAZ0yxOfCFs3QAAbJmGN2zHGxd8/s320/bubsy6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hmmm...listen to the scientist who created this helmet, or do something radically dangerous and stupid? Choices!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And so, the cartoon ends with our hero deliciously getting electrocuted, thus making me cackle in glee. And, considering this was the only episode in the entire show, it's reasonable to say that, in this cartoon's universe, this ended up killing Bubsy and this is the <i>real</i> reason why this show never got turned into an actual series, since the animators couldn't think of a way to make Bubsy's funeral fit into a 22 minute timeslot. You know, besides the whole "critical bomb and low ratings" thing this pilot had.<br />
<br />
...and tell me why Arnold deserved to get electrocuted alongside Bubsy again, cartoon. You really gotta stop on the random armadillo hate. It's making your production look terribly bigoted.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-F95Af8jzNyn3-32aIKcJVTTnD8todhcCkCnWPIQr7WvIGACRA32Gi9OUx1efDYlLahZlsipPlmp5wrrIsjJNaUUKjb6CUc8KAyWau-HmCFHzZCPZoutBXfZQ8DpU2qsSp-jYrdEwidY/s1600/bubsy7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-F95Af8jzNyn3-32aIKcJVTTnD8todhcCkCnWPIQr7WvIGACRA32Gi9OUx1efDYlLahZlsipPlmp5wrrIsjJNaUUKjb6CUc8KAyWau-HmCFHzZCPZoutBXfZQ8DpU2qsSp-jYrdEwidY/s320/bubsy7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
So that was Bubsy, the delightful hidden gem that I kind of wish stayed hidden. I can't apologize enough to people who made it this far for this post. I just felt that if I could share some of my misery, it would cure me of the bobcat-infested nightmares I've been having for the last couple of days. <br />
<br />
But before I conclude this post, I'll just leave you with the cast of voice actors.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ1gG9mFvdOWkr8frmw8VjkAZntFhRrCXNOcHVuRspXK1posnNQ20ysb-K9rpWWg-s5_6vgoWFj7UpxAheilcmZr7kNzaZcavB92YQQUlCk_3SP9TB0i7Zf1QhVk7JL2ea5i-x3gucRfs/s1600/bubsy8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ1gG9mFvdOWkr8frmw8VjkAZntFhRrCXNOcHVuRspXK1posnNQ20ysb-K9rpWWg-s5_6vgoWFj7UpxAheilcmZr7kNzaZcavB92YQQUlCk_3SP9TB0i7Zf1QhVk7JL2ea5i-x3gucRfs/s320/bubsy8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">JIMMY Cummings? JIMMY!?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That is the most apt screenshot ever. It sums up everything about this cartoon.<br />
<br />
<hr /><span style="color: black;"><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
What can possibly go wrong? <i>Everything</i>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
<u>The Good</u><br />
*Virgil is hilarious, even if he is a stereotypical nerd type character meant to make Bubsy look cool.<br />
*The voice-acting is top notch.<br />
*Buzz the buzzard was also funny, even if he did a lot of joke-explaining.<br />
*Arnold was sort of likeable I guess.<br />
*...uh, the backgrounds sometimes were kind of nice?<br />
*Really reaching here, but the music was not annoying and decently faded into the background where it belonged. <br />
<br />
<u>The Bad</u><br />
*</span><span style="color: black;">Man, can this cartoon drag. One of the biggest rules of comedy is "Don't explain the joke" and Bubsy shattered this rule into a million pieces while explaining that he, in fact, shattered this rule into a million pieces. Not only that, but there was exposition everywhere, to the point where it really wasn't needed. There's insulting my intelligence and then assuming I'm so stupid I can't even count to three. The cartoon does the latter. <br />
*Half the jokes fell flat. Mispronouncing someone's name as a running gag isn't exactly the most side-splitting thing in existence, and neither is the fact that a shrew is hungry. This only got worse once the characters started explaining the jokes. <br />
*The animation is incredibly lackluster at best and can be pretty strange. Slightly better than Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog at times, but that's not really a high bar to conquer.<br />
*<i>The twins.</i> Good god. I hate everything about these characters.<br />
*The villains aren't that interesting. I say that including Buzz, because it feels that he largely didn't need to be there. But come on, are you seriously going to open up a metaphorical show with someone like Ally Cassandra, a character so bland that I kept forgetting she was even in the cartoon half the time?<br />
*"What can possibly go wrong!?" is said over twelve times in this pilot. Twelve times. My soul has scars that will never heal. <br />
*Bubsy is an obnoxious asshole and I wish he was suffering from terminal cancer.<br />
*Wanton physical abuse to armadillos isn't really that funny so much as it cruel.<br />
*This show managed to waste the talents of Jim Cummings. <br />
*The helmet was a pretty stupid plot device and kind of consumed the entire plot. <br />
*The plot was really boring.<br />
*It's a cartoon about a early 90's mascot that has been long since forgotten and therefore it really says it all. <br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Final Decision</u><br />
This was worse than a truck.<br />
<br />
If I could describe this pilot in one word, it would be this: annoying. <br />
<br />
As you can probably tell from how I wrote this post, this was personally very painful to sit through. This wasn't as bad as the episode of Widget the World Watcher that I saw, but it's pretty up there. The jokes are bad, most of the cast is bad, the main character wears on your nerves, the plot is annoying, the conflict is nonexistent, and all around you leave this experience with odd, hollow feeling inside. This is an utter failure at appealing to a hip, attitude-filled demographic on a global scale, and future cartoons should study this pilot as an example of what not to do.<br />
<br />
Not much more to say, other than this was a terrible cartoon and the people responsible for making this should feel bad for being a part of this abomination's creation. Save for some minor good things (Virgil) and some honestly good jokes (the chalkboard), I pretty much was irritated the entire way through.<br />
<br />
But hey, what can you expect? They made a cartoon about goddamn <i>Bubsy the freaking Bobcat</i>. Of course that's going to go wrong!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-61469596881174579132012-03-05T20:44:00.367-08:002012-03-08T00:55:58.955-08:00Five Awesome Animated Snack CommercialsFirst, I just want to say I sorry I didn't update in over a week. School happened. <br />
<br />
As you can tell from my bizarre devotion for such animated classics as "Creepy Crawlers: The Animated Series", I have the oddest love for commercials. <br />
<br />
Those little snippets of time between my cartoons that are designed to sell something to me. Like the blissfully stupid cartoons that clearly depict characters that have their own action figures, they create a world of their own; a place that resembles my own dimension but is still somewhat alien to me on account there's one particular product that is made out to be the best damn thing you've ever seen, and if you don't buy it, you're either a loser or unhip or some other related adjective. <br />
<br />
However, commercials are like a double-edged sword. If they do their job well, they can be really memorable and they might even make you more compelled to buy the product. If they're terrible or grotesque, well, then they tend to be the commercials that air with a really bizarre amount of frequency and make you want to stab the people responsible. <br />
<br />
But I'm going to be nice today and point out some snack commercials that really did do their job.<br />
<br />
Here were the rules that made this list:<br />
<br />
1. The commercials had to be animated. This site is called Nothing But Cartoons and by god I'm going to stick to that name!<br />
2. NO CEREAL COMMERCIALS. Cereal commercials are in a special, crazy league of their own and will be covered at another time. The Trix rabbit will have his day in the spotlight, mark my words. <br />
3. The snacks had to be, in some way, bad for you. Only one of these foods has sort of nutritional value to be had from them (maybe two, if you're really stretching it), but come on. It's obvious that the best commercials were attached to the most sugary and salty of delights. Healthy food commercials usually carry with them an odd air of pretentiousness, like they <i>know</i> they're good for you and they're going to make fun of those lousy philistines for <i>daring</i> to have more calories than them, and because of that, they tend to be more annoying than snack commercials. <br />
<br />
So with that being said, let corporate hypnotism wash over your brain and compel you to spend your money on their food, because this is...<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Five Awesome Animated Snack Commercials</b><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. Nabisco Ritz Bits Sandwiches</b></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzHCIEU3KLXnLiA2Myej916EEPUvyGAnW2LmSKzNmC6jrI4ExIneofE65c8LF5dgEOY6zSEXK0Cpf3jaZ-_yCmw86qSvW8OHeI6JNbj2aYJAZjc-YMy2HcJXNdScaMdjWPIrG-oFMn6Ys/s1600/ritzbits.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzHCIEU3KLXnLiA2Myej916EEPUvyGAnW2LmSKzNmC6jrI4ExIneofE65c8LF5dgEOY6zSEXK0Cpf3jaZ-_yCmw86qSvW8OHeI6JNbj2aYJAZjc-YMy2HcJXNdScaMdjWPIrG-oFMn6Ys/s320/ritzbits.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If you hate these, you're subhuman. It's in one of the Ten Commandments.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>Time Period: </b>90's<br />
<br />
Probably the most beloved of the corporate snack crackers (their only competition being Kellogg's Cheez-Its, and those things are freaking nasty and taste like gross), Ritz Crackers and their smaller variety stuffed with fillings known as Ritz Bits Sandwiches are like little bite-sized morsels of deliciousness. These things were the staple of any schoolchild's lunch when I was growing up. I couldn't find a single colleague amongst my Pokemon card trading group that hated these things. Some preferred the ones with cheese filling, some preferred the peanut butter ones, and there was a more daring and odd variety of kid that honest to god liked the limited edition <i>pizza</i> Ritz Bits. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4kzQ3nrT4vY8J314KEoXt-fGsvmfxEsQE4fGQaypGq41Tt8s_SthWw1_MtxV9dNj5MDBajjRXzQrnYpwmnOYestKqWZ_3hHZ9MIMZ_GEx3WWCiIkbCQudwL4VZq_UwUy2AG0YxxrRjdA/s1600/ritzbits1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4kzQ3nrT4vY8J314KEoXt-fGsvmfxEsQE4fGQaypGq41Tt8s_SthWw1_MtxV9dNj5MDBajjRXzQrnYpwmnOYestKqWZ_3hHZ9MIMZ_GEx3WWCiIkbCQudwL4VZq_UwUy2AG0YxxrRjdA/s320/ritzbits1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I remember these things tasting a little like stomach acid and crushed dreams.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>...come to think of it, a lot of snacks were pizza-flavored in the 90's. I blame the Ninja Turtles. <br />
<br />
But anyways, these snacks rule (save for the pizza flavor) and I wish I had a handful of them right now. They're basically the salty, cracker version of Oreos. And, like Oreos, my favorite part of eating a Ritz Bits Sandwich was pulling it apart and eating the filling first. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The commercial<br />
</b>The commercials have a simple, tried-and-true concept that's existed in TV commercials since the advent of the medium. All they have to do is anthropomorphize some snack crackers, make them frolic and happily go about their bite-sized lives while looking suitably edible, and somehow work in the box so that children will have something to recognize and grab off the shelves for their parents to buy. That sounds like the simplest damn thing in the world, right?<br />
<br />
Well, they went above and beyond the call of duty here, because in one commercial, the box is a goddamn <b><i>spaceship</i></b>. Who knew cardboard had thermal control strong enough to withstand transit through the Earth's stratosphere <i>and</i> is able to survive the merciless vacuum of space?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiea7WDiWivAYPuDaPcfonJfyO3XIXhmyGaYxjVHoL7lxGpAL8uWswAi2r7OwpXOfiI60fpoPc48duLYANw9oj6Fgz3VRnenDc6s6ccpNUMKdsBy_i-80J6UIc4N1l2eMOK-JYhQNdvySg/s1600/ritzbits2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiea7WDiWivAYPuDaPcfonJfyO3XIXhmyGaYxjVHoL7lxGpAL8uWswAi2r7OwpXOfiI60fpoPc48duLYANw9oj6Fgz3VRnenDc6s6ccpNUMKdsBy_i-80J6UIc4N1l2eMOK-JYhQNdvySg/s320/ritzbits2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTm6cc1jtwLFTtGr18mOXPkDfiXoGAm56sez04soJgVOo2gB0UxyGArpwai_ASsA91qgp2gMpF6tDzbKVyWaH1uu4vtEmeupKgekpzlNZ48clluQhyO7lRKM1W2m1mbRokOwfckCs1pJE/s1600/ritzbits3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTm6cc1jtwLFTtGr18mOXPkDfiXoGAm56sez04soJgVOo2gB0UxyGArpwai_ASsA91qgp2gMpF6tDzbKVyWaH1uu4vtEmeupKgekpzlNZ48clluQhyO7lRKM1W2m1mbRokOwfckCs1pJE/s320/ritzbits3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now I wonder if Ritz Bits had a space race with the Goldfish nation.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, once they land on this previously unexplored territory, the daring crackers, who aren't even wearing any protective suits to guard their crumbly bodies from any unbreathable atmospheres they may encounter, get right to work. They don't perform any research of collect any rock samples, no. They have traveled to this uncharted planet purely for the conquest, for they start levitating through the air and, one by one, barbarically destroying the landscape in order to turn from simple buttery crackers to cracker sandwiches. It's sort of like if Avatar starred snack treats and there was a lot less awkward blue alien sex in it. Also, I'd totally watch the hell out of that hypothetical movie.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVnZT_LkAVketHSPcJZi8bwCgv32s07U4dOk5CmLfSE8JzUDu_ROIqmBLbbx3Yh6Tfj8-gp0KQclCXliShoZtGcghr7_lNnKJutN32thWqHhDmB3Kn0rnbR_f0e5dFc6-jo51eqg2IVR8/s1600/ritzbits4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVnZT_LkAVketHSPcJZi8bwCgv32s07U4dOk5CmLfSE8JzUDu_ROIqmBLbbx3Yh6Tfj8-gp0KQclCXliShoZtGcghr7_lNnKJutN32thWqHhDmB3Kn0rnbR_f0e5dFc6-jo51eqg2IVR8/s320/ritzbits4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Om nom nom nom natural resources are delicious!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While this is going on, the planet Cheez absorbs the spaceship within its dairy-infused confines and transforms it from a Ritz Bits box to a Ritz Bits Sandwiches with Cheese box. <br />
<br />
Ladies and gentlemen, we have just witnessed an evolution of a snack species. At the risk of grossly overexaggerating the impact of this commercial, this is a moment as great as the dawning of man in 2001: A Space Odyssey. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyGEIKcOdQJ5oZpq0-hx7iPKPP0L0njEfKYxBxdlTAUGts6QyvtfnGstTz-P825V_ARb2hoNrk4I2L6iJ6XRpQHc4OMTDM12woeQU_qIgHGBYqFtw0eBkL4SSolPhpaUgU5rNsdXlCrIs/s1600/ritzbits5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyGEIKcOdQJ5oZpq0-hx7iPKPP0L0njEfKYxBxdlTAUGts6QyvtfnGstTz-P825V_ARb2hoNrk4I2L6iJ6XRpQHc4OMTDM12woeQU_qIgHGBYqFtw0eBkL4SSolPhpaUgU5rNsdXlCrIs/s320/ritzbits5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I demand that someone redub this commercial with the 2001: A Space Odyssey song.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since it'd be pretty hard to top this commercial, the other two commercials are relatively low key. They take place on a mundane kitchen counter top (probably because the Ritz bits lack the NASA funding for more than one space flight), but the cookies remain just as magical and as animated as they were in space, for they start making a mess just for the fun of it and start spilling peanut butter all over the place and making Mexican cacti dance. Because how else are crackers supposed to amuse themselves?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg25nYCSVVoRNDYiC1LNgUCJcPjH4x1BgeDa4LILYdZ_GoQ4DfLiEyXp9VbpRcGAL87bHPAduZ-i8fvTkVX-zEgh0_6dQrz-q_Qsv6Yt_4V0HvhNgxnUARZaR42HW5YKtTM6Y6DAw6Ymwg/s1600/ritzbits.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg25nYCSVVoRNDYiC1LNgUCJcPjH4x1BgeDa4LILYdZ_GoQ4DfLiEyXp9VbpRcGAL87bHPAduZ-i8fvTkVX-zEgh0_6dQrz-q_Qsv6Yt_4V0HvhNgxnUARZaR42HW5YKtTM6Y6DAw6Ymwg/s320/ritzbits.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy1dKemjC8xw4Z42D72othyphenhyphenf0PM7C_6w3o-vSVCPvMKXMIjP8l6NHzWEZuCfo3yuDEp5MNZ5nXIyY6YB0JT-fPVaqxZn4hkigeGdYHosvSYiTY4w1RQQFEjJB89Vmp6yr-ELj5kvoReIE/s1600/ritzbits1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy1dKemjC8xw4Z42D72othyphenhyphenf0PM7C_6w3o-vSVCPvMKXMIjP8l6NHzWEZuCfo3yuDEp5MNZ5nXIyY6YB0JT-fPVaqxZn4hkigeGdYHosvSYiTY4w1RQQFEjJB89Vmp6yr-ELj5kvoReIE/s320/ritzbits1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If I saw this happening in my kitchen, I'd be calling an exorcist immediately.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Man, it almost makes me feel bad for eating them. They have such a good time reinforcing Mexican stereotypes and performing black magic.<br />
<br />
...and who the hell leaves a jar of nacho cheese just sitting out in the open?<br />
<b><br />
<br />
Why this commercial is awesome<br />
</b>I started my list with this set of commercials because these are three of my personal favorite food commercials of all time. There's nothing to hate in any of these commercials, except for the fact that Nacho Cheese-flavored Ritz Bits don't exist anymore and that's a goddamn crime against humanity right there.<br />
<br />
What makes all three of these commercials appealing to me is that the crackers in all of these commercials are pretty likeable for sodium-coated sandwiches. They react to their environments with child-like wonder. The Ritz Bits Sandwich society has not yet developed a system of language in order to properly communicate their happiness for discovering a cheese planet (beyond saying "Cheeeeese!") or a magical wonderland of dancing cacti, but they <i>are</i> able to squeak out happy little Whee's and Yay's while they gobble up cheese mountains or slide around in peanut butter. <br />
<br />
It helps that they have really charming animation here and, unlike the creepy as hell M and M's, DON'T have scary human limbs or eyeballs attached to them. They're merely crackers and crackers they shall remain.<br />
<br />
Sadly, they didn't go the dancing, happy Ritz Bits route with the Ritz Bits S'mores commercials, choosing to instead make it about sumo wrestlers slamming into one another.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRjwR6qVZ6v2oif9FoHDX5Q3KLzsZU-S-Up6cOQx_ZY7wJxsoa0RKogi64jqGXgnl7H0JiDfwT8Z248D5ac9Qva7EnPPV1xE-v0wLHGjkDiTB_s_VYB_4cgfWedZe2XrfSR4Phr1dzRFo/s1600/img_0007.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRjwR6qVZ6v2oif9FoHDX5Q3KLzsZU-S-Up6cOQx_ZY7wJxsoa0RKogi64jqGXgnl7H0JiDfwT8Z248D5ac9Qva7EnPPV1xE-v0wLHGjkDiTB_s_VYB_4cgfWedZe2XrfSR4Phr1dzRFo/s400/img_0007.jpg" width="265" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>CRACKERS SHOULD NOT WEAR THONGS.</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Because yeah, <i>this</i> is appetizing right?<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
2. Kellogg's Twistables<br />
</b></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDCzdi0TjHlOkNQkl8SoQSaEaWViHaqtFzSP_OsiwBZ07yGsBWo9upyGKC6cOKpEXv_iuK-nDAS7AVgGbffycUkutPpzLn2zmaCfiHS6w7YYcenJcUB29_HVQfM7ovgS9hMS6x9FJi4J0/s1600/twistables.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDCzdi0TjHlOkNQkl8SoQSaEaWViHaqtFzSP_OsiwBZ07yGsBWo9upyGKC6cOKpEXv_iuK-nDAS7AVgGbffycUkutPpzLn2zmaCfiHS6w7YYcenJcUB29_HVQfM7ovgS9hMS6x9FJi4J0/s320/twistables.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><b>Time Period: early 2000's<br />
</b>A now non-existent food (and it doesn't even have its own Wikipedia entry, that's how badly it bombed), Kellogg's Twistables were doomed from the start. They were essentially a twisty fruit snack in a world where Twizzlers exist and were already well-loved and cherished by most schoolchildren. They had to come up with something to make people buy their strange, fruit rope and they had to do it fast.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The Commercial<br />
</b>So they decided to get the guys responsible for Wallace and Gromit to make commercials where various fruits were in boot camp (Or should I say <i>"fruit"</i> camp), being repeatively chastised by an anthropomorphic Twistable.<br />
<br />
...yeah, I guess that makes sense in some parallel dimension. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeXyXeWE29QmwO7VJr9X736TPnUM8n7c8F4BDS4GaBAbpbUw_Al0M6ysS80OLKu3n9v_9cJXT1AdcVW6ZdBWZOPtd2ZHgT3HYKohWuikTds55SNMmIuXu2KEZfasuqHt91TmDi6A9cjxA/s1600/twistables1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeXyXeWE29QmwO7VJr9X736TPnUM8n7c8F4BDS4GaBAbpbUw_Al0M6ysS80OLKu3n9v_9cJXT1AdcVW6ZdBWZOPtd2ZHgT3HYKohWuikTds55SNMmIuXu2KEZfasuqHt91TmDi6A9cjxA/s320/twistables1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Because I want to eat something that's stomping around in an arid desert environment <br />
and has teeth that will haunt my nightmares.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The commercials are kind of odd in that all of the fruits have their own distinguishable personalities and quirks. Sergeant Twistable (and yes, in one commercial, he seriously goes by that moniker) is extremely assertive and has a neat Southern accent, Banana's your trademark surfer dude because he has a surf board and abuses the words "dude" and "like", Pear's dainty and feminine, Lemon is mentally unstable and repeatively cannibalizes his fellow fruits (yes, this happens). and Grape was always getting horrendously squished at the end of every commercial. They could've made a TV show about these monsters. <br />
<br />
...oh wait, I think something like that already exists and it's called "Coconut Fred's Fruit Salad Island".<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrYIPixMznvxFf_OAsYYvzz7g_FsNZY4ZODMWxKq9VLZzFv3okD-lnHa1bQACYOFaEPewqXdPohTC8ZdM3V9yCXoYmm3nwZ-6eM8JAdpA8YclsSIxXtrwGDVKolA_1s2FPvZ2jvr2YTOE/s1600/twistables2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrYIPixMznvxFf_OAsYYvzz7g_FsNZY4ZODMWxKq9VLZzFv3okD-lnHa1bQACYOFaEPewqXdPohTC8ZdM3V9yCXoYmm3nwZ-6eM8JAdpA8YclsSIxXtrwGDVKolA_1s2FPvZ2jvr2YTOE/s320/twistables2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is how you sell a product.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Although more advanced than the Ritz Bits Sandwiches, this fruit society still manages to raise questions in my head. Like, for example, why do the fruit wear shoes, hats, and occasionally glasses if none of them can be bothered to slap on a pair of pants? How do the fruits reproduce if they're essentially pregnant plants? Is Grape's frequent splattings considered graphic violence in their universe?<br />
<br />
And why is the pineapple so freaking scary? Look at that smile! He's going to murder that orange in his sleep, I just know it!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaZSBVzUzNn48K8t2wyQPmYUvXlTAPueOA7Brl0LrVssWtb_SZa491_0OvLcXRWOmdOiRBGl9Cw6GXh_Z9XWhEgothQY3CqdwTguJA1KyijNuA7VOq6C_fjdz5dVDN4i-8XVdV4RmFccU/s1600/twistables3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaZSBVzUzNn48K8t2wyQPmYUvXlTAPueOA7Brl0LrVssWtb_SZa491_0OvLcXRWOmdOiRBGl9Cw6GXh_Z9XWhEgothQY3CqdwTguJA1KyijNuA7VOq6C_fjdz5dVDN4i-8XVdV4RmFccU/s320/twistables3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"SOON..."</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Come to think of it, a lot of the fruit here are really scary. I guess tiny eyes and crooked teeth are how one properly depicts the fruit snack with a twiiiist!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Why this commercial is awesome<br />
</b>The commercials are more memorable than the actual product.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcdX1LzUMY_T6clmPmPdRJ0aiByLODQ0T2mEWTDxH7-1hcLeGMArUL2vvZB5BE80iCSKj4CtREQJJ7LWKHolNR7yq290XF86XSPkxYIfsai2lD55xDkU44ZGfcyzvUd5IVR9xOpV4wWQM/s1600/twistables.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcdX1LzUMY_T6clmPmPdRJ0aiByLODQ0T2mEWTDxH7-1hcLeGMArUL2vvZB5BE80iCSKj4CtREQJJ7LWKHolNR7yq290XF86XSPkxYIfsai2lD55xDkU44ZGfcyzvUd5IVR9xOpV4wWQM/s320/twistables.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why Sergeant Twistable, I do believe you're trying to seduce me!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Let's be honest here. These commercials were all over the place within a certain time frame. You couldn't escape the fruity rope grip of Sergeant Twistable so every last one of us knew just how to say that stupid slogan.<br />
<br />
In fact, "It's the fruit snack with the <i>TWIIIIST</i>!" is exactly what I punched into Google in order to actually remember the product's name. Yes, I seriously forgot these things existed until I did this post. I know plenty of people who remember the boot camp commercials, but no one could peg a product name to them. You can't deny it; these characters had actual charm to them. Their designs could get a little repulsive (that pineapple) but they're certainly more visually appealing that those crappy California Raisins, that's for sure.<br />
<br />
Plus, you know, Aardman animated these things. Enough said.<br />
<br />
<b></b><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. Chips Ahoy Cookies<br />
</b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrmnGJrKGzh6fpWWX15UXqEieAMc1vLNAcGvxdJdJQ_-fvV0GM07wAdTXPp1mbqO8SN0pxqzy7cS9uydBKYwGGlGpd5p15gBzKANLnGYGPpbffhFd-Nu70lS19SI1g-8JBzqBVX7ug6-A/s1600/chipsahoy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrmnGJrKGzh6fpWWX15UXqEieAMc1vLNAcGvxdJdJQ_-fvV0GM07wAdTXPp1mbqO8SN0pxqzy7cS9uydBKYwGGlGpd5p15gBzKANLnGYGPpbffhFd-Nu70lS19SI1g-8JBzqBVX7ug6-A/s1600/chipsahoy.jpg" /></a></div><b>Time Period: </b>90's<br />
<br />
Okay, really? I have to describe Chips Ahoy! cookies as if there would exist a person who's never heard of them? <i>Seriously?</i><br />
<br />
Fine. Go to your supermarket. Go into the cookie aisle. They're going to be sitting next to the Oreos. Done.<br />
<br />
Joking aside, I heard many, many, <i>many</i> people in my life say that these cookies are pretty terrible compared to homemade cookies. And they are, but since I currently live in a dorm, these corn syrup infused sweets serve as a suitable and affordable replacement for that cookie-deprived void in my life. And let me tell you, there are many, many things that happen to me that can only be cured through routine cookie injections. The sugar dulls the pain.<br />
<br />
So basically, they're not the best cookies in the world, but they're certainly the cheapest and the most mass-produced.<br />
<b><br />
<br />
The commercial<br />
</b>With that kind of description, you'd be expecting some sort of monotonous commercial where kids or teenagers enjoy cookies at various locations, right? You know, like 80% of food commercials today. <br />
<br />
No. Instead, the entire damn world is made out of cookies and milk, an exclamation mark turns into a hot air balloon that promises a thousand chocolate chips in every bag, there are chocolate chip tornadoes that manifest cookies at random, and there is big band music in the background while chocolate chips explode with more chocolate chips. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFyMz97VbVPPBjn35oNM_HCTma7HP5Ji280prxkV_4RMrzy3_kuax1_98czLGqOX7TeTZVTr2UjRxXwTqBKAOb4CoaFGnIwAsrOOpzW_aMJAkBmaKb7WMmCUt2jyY_MaG9aJsw_-EQ41Y/s1600/chipsahoy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFyMz97VbVPPBjn35oNM_HCTma7HP5Ji280prxkV_4RMrzy3_kuax1_98czLGqOX7TeTZVTr2UjRxXwTqBKAOb4CoaFGnIwAsrOOpzW_aMJAkBmaKb7WMmCUt2jyY_MaG9aJsw_-EQ41Y/s320/chipsahoy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIHJqmvRZ7YU1xEl3uKGXFE3Oa9FKxkvLSpoDFnOyUqPz07HeTv7BTtAwE-iNTWIn0iFDyupKB5_cTdGKfSg0Zyp9itaNmZLyv8ItvsgpIShNlJizSlZ6FewVDyzoORnCWbq6IC2p5ORc/s1600/chipsahoy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIHJqmvRZ7YU1xEl3uKGXFE3Oa9FKxkvLSpoDFnOyUqPz07HeTv7BTtAwE-iNTWIn0iFDyupKB5_cTdGKfSg0Zyp9itaNmZLyv8ItvsgpIShNlJizSlZ6FewVDyzoORnCWbq6IC2p5ORc/s320/chipsahoy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What Cookie Monster pictures when he visualizes Nirvana.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Huh, so this is what one pictures when they experiment with recreational drugs and eat cookies at the same time.<br />
<br />
<b> <br />
Why this commercial is awesome<br />
</b>It made a classic piece of music "The Chips Ahoy song" for a long period of time. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVP3Sim3cu7OD2pd4iRx3ESa2gTdDTreVVpgYtxGOsBVb6xgYm7oi7B4qHlCPkxi6nFdvIwWVw-_KOqmbqfPsCmM2lEkfTt-oogng1rWXquHMyIQm5DV_-lNERg1Mnqkh49bggnWmg7eM/s1600/chipsahoy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVP3Sim3cu7OD2pd4iRx3ESa2gTdDTreVVpgYtxGOsBVb6xgYm7oi7B4qHlCPkxi6nFdvIwWVw-_KOqmbqfPsCmM2lEkfTt-oogng1rWXquHMyIQm5DV_-lNERg1Mnqkh49bggnWmg7eM/s320/chipsahoy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For influencing an entire genre of music, his art will be used to promote chocolate chip cookies. Capitalism!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Admit it. If you saw this commercial as a kid, you still think of Sing, Sing, Sing from Benny Goodman as "The Chips Ahoy song". School bands the world over played The Chips Ahoy Song during the 90's, people started requesting jazz band CDs just so they could listen to The Chips Ahoy Song, and the late King of Swing did cartwheels in his grave. It's why I was so happy that Donkey Konga included this song in their playlist.<br />
<br />
But going back on the chocolate chip planet there because it's just too good of an idea to ignore. I'm pretty sure if we as a human race encountered a planet with giant oceans of milk (geez, how many cows would that even take and how foul would it smell?) and edible mountains made out of chocolate-y goodness, it'd be considered perfectly okay to completely subjugate and enslave the chip inhabitants and then consume their homeland. <br />
<br />
...geez, like most of this list so far involves strange alien worlds that are somehow appetizing. This is like if the Star Wars Universe did a crossover with Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>4. Lunchables<br />
</b></span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGAtXUgi7U5S8MGdpVbnJi1ou7Qwr6llRV-dMMoGtlRUxraI6c34XitzCeQ7Euo-uG1ak3pNNqTSybUIJmcFsgjP9FfCzUkJviAtpmZgZK5hh_gJJ-M98GNf2tdNH9QAfj4KvlTt4USwk/s1600/lunchables.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGAtXUgi7U5S8MGdpVbnJi1ou7Qwr6llRV-dMMoGtlRUxraI6c34XitzCeQ7Euo-uG1ak3pNNqTSybUIJmcFsgjP9FfCzUkJviAtpmZgZK5hh_gJJ-M98GNf2tdNH9QAfj4KvlTt4USwk/s320/lunchables.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, good. It's an excellent source of calcium. That means it's perfectly healthy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>Time Period: </b>90's<br />
<br />
Even though they've since cleaned up their act and actually made these things at least <i>somewhat </i>nutritious, Lunchables were at the peak of their popularity in the 90's and into the early 2000's, when they were just jam-packed with preservatives and sugars. When I was in 6th grade, my teacher actually made me read out all of the ingredients in my Ham and American Cracker Stackers to illustrate just how unhealthy we children of today are eating. And you know what? After that lecture was over, none of us gave a single crap, because by god, all that sodium and saturated fat was what made them tasted so good!<br />
<br />
And little did my teacher know that later, they would release Lunchable Mega Packs with honest to god <i>sodas</i> packed inside. I wonder if there were a correlation between Lunchables and childhood obesity. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSDg4FILNg84xCyxj7dltNC1BExdMnhNzdkfVR5QuxRN9bcbxDOhHWOxx4_4NI03vXY3jHBbQtYtXNjQGnA5Z3s53PEKLIrBIg_Qd9KGO86xrh0Y0c6O3EOP7Jm-JbCMMLtbI7OLVGcRs/s1600/Lunchables.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSDg4FILNg84xCyxj7dltNC1BExdMnhNzdkfVR5QuxRN9bcbxDOhHWOxx4_4NI03vXY3jHBbQtYtXNjQGnA5Z3s53PEKLIrBIg_Qd9KGO86xrh0Y0c6O3EOP7Jm-JbCMMLtbI7OLVGcRs/s1600/Lunchables.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In retrospect, I'm surprised they got away with selling these.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In short, kids today just don't know what they're missing, even if they'll probably live longer than us. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b><br />
</b><b>The commercial<br />
</b>There are many, many, many Lunchable commercials laden throughout the sands of time, but none were as cool as the pizza commercial in the early 90's, because it involves a bizarre and almost unique brand of logic from the people responsible for spawning this thirty seconds of weirdness. <br />
<br />
But I'll get to that in a moment. The commercial starts with some kid, gloomily lit only by the soulless glow of his computer. Somehow, we're supposed to believe this is taking place during school hours instead of automatically assuming that the kid is staying up past one in the morning in order to grind for Leatherworking mats for his Rogue Dwarf alt he rolled on Proudmoore. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1-ettia7k94dSZhe845cbOKx9GfdkqJNhThpHwTkIK_YB9Vze72-HtZRQzeprp4VBE8tWxFHaYVT9qVg_-OpdNyYQiTotxQpoVSaiel6QouGZM54hi-qCPmaaASUSVczWwYslOhsP5LE/s1600/lunchables.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1-ettia7k94dSZhe845cbOKx9GfdkqJNhThpHwTkIK_YB9Vze72-HtZRQzeprp4VBE8tWxFHaYVT9qVg_-OpdNyYQiTotxQpoVSaiel6QouGZM54hi-qCPmaaASUSVczWwYslOhsP5LE/s320/lunchables.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, I hate grinding for Darkmoon rep..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Suddenly, a generic (barren of recognizable brand names because Oscar Meyer's not paying for royalties) pizza delivery truck drives by and that same kid suddenly decides that he wants pizza, so he uses superhuman speed to make a "I want Pizza" graphic in what I assume is the mid-90's version of Photoshop and prints a flyer out in less than two seconds. Holy crap, man. I want this kid in my Graphic Design classes. <br />
<br />
So, why wasn't he using this ungodly mutated speed to complete his schoolwork ahead of time, giving him more leisure time again?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7gwMbnCgzOsIkKyJzURDxqMQ48HKpqug5UHbjBgmxRxgs-uqT9B9mJVHRUjSr8EfsLy7UPQVNSvWZgSF6Zha0SUJetI_ESpKA7CdZS_bAk__tWMDjCMlrTwF_iZ_Gqr8vJ6bo_gT_3q8/s1600/lunchables1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7gwMbnCgzOsIkKyJzURDxqMQ48HKpqug5UHbjBgmxRxgs-uqT9B9mJVHRUjSr8EfsLy7UPQVNSvWZgSF6Zha0SUJetI_ESpKA7CdZS_bAk__tWMDjCMlrTwF_iZ_Gqr8vJ6bo_gT_3q8/s320/lunchables1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs6ijdGWjYwkSBCQkBA6VZ0CYv-ewdiyY1At6o6Gsor_WxeeDWhQomguiYdiJqS5LrD1RL0G4RrJcAZPoBcyzFREZKJHxLmTYsR3IIJLuIuMOZ_3aIcjKJ_CoAf_TyDAjDk6E8NO0DDTs/s1600/lunchables2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs6ijdGWjYwkSBCQkBA6VZ0CYv-ewdiyY1At6o6Gsor_WxeeDWhQomguiYdiJqS5LrD1RL0G4RrJcAZPoBcyzFREZKJHxLmTYsR3IIJLuIuMOZ_3aIcjKJ_CoAf_TyDAjDk6E8NO0DDTs/s320/lunchables2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Way to waste the computer lab's ink, asshole!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Somehow, this actually works, and the delivery guy honest to god stops walking where he was <i>supposed</i> to be delivering the pizza and enters the school just because a paper that says "I want pizza" floated in front of his eyes. Yes, this makes perfect sense. You know, even though the paper doesn't say where he's supposed to drop off the pizza, nor did it give any indication that the person who made that is going to pay. I sure hope this delivery guy got fired after this commercial was over.<br />
<br />
And is it me, or does this guy look like the teenaged version of <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkFyovFsqrMfJprznspsDl185rlsnaBUK0o4tEM0xXS-hbf4ci7lgQkM4B_bajdZJok8AlWfUTO46o6Nrp_x3Eyw-E0HiaOgk3M0TAmXwR1KOt6ekUwNhgJ5gIluPcqBSMupOsbRb_xvo/s1600/streetsharks5.jpg">Bends from Street Sharks</a>? It would explain why he's suddenly taking orders from random pieces of paper falling from the sky. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaGDOxi6VGAAZXEBXWiRD6DjuvlqsLB87ygLbvcXRMj3FMupk0pFCkS8T336FMRlyAJTdvnkQdSEXhN6esjyklxc8PVpwelHENzvOaTbH3KP90DytIhh_n-JBIEgEduF433ByBgxGVFR0/s1600/lunchables3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaGDOxi6VGAAZXEBXWiRD6DjuvlqsLB87ygLbvcXRMj3FMupk0pFCkS8T336FMRlyAJTdvnkQdSEXhN6esjyklxc8PVpwelHENzvOaTbH3KP90DytIhh_n-JBIEgEduF433ByBgxGVFR0/s320/lunchables3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yeah, sure! Thank you for the information, mysterious flyer!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Then, through an odd use of slapstick physics, the pizza box ends up hitting a ceiling fan and lands on a copier. Somehow this doesn't shower the little rugrats in molten pizza sauce, nor does the pizza ever slide out of the box and splatter all over some kid's five page essay. Pizzas simply choose not to obey the laws of physics. It's their lack of natural ingredients that grants them this superpower.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_Xq-a-9FmjeviZ03T3nRzOQPv-wX3Oe5O2k2Go9uChSybrbZSi0XUdUZEBgZjJ7ydq7pDIMCJi00UPOSXgoiJ-IX1ITRrUapWIjT1iw0VVO7eng-20n6eyyEZXx4slTiY-BWwM3kjGZ4/s1600/lunchables4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_Xq-a-9FmjeviZ03T3nRzOQPv-wX3Oe5O2k2Go9uChSybrbZSi0XUdUZEBgZjJ7ydq7pDIMCJi00UPOSXgoiJ-IX1ITRrUapWIjT1iw0VVO7eng-20n6eyyEZXx4slTiY-BWwM3kjGZ4/s320/lunchables4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEZNtkN6rzITTm6d83XGj9p4rOtKVk8_dXzJncp7QCOSEnckDvDCVDr1xy0QdOfodQUuP7dcqEqtef8JF2CIYc3orTW1bBJn0fVDrUR7vXOKm-TfEV5emMoig5U0CcsLEVRutAv8c63IA/s1600/lunchables5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEZNtkN6rzITTm6d83XGj9p4rOtKVk8_dXzJncp7QCOSEnckDvDCVDr1xy0QdOfodQUuP7dcqEqtef8JF2CIYc3orTW1bBJn0fVDrUR7vXOKm-TfEV5emMoig5U0CcsLEVRutAv8c63IA/s320/lunchables5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh god, if that pizza turns into another Frosty the Snowman, I'm calling the police.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And you know what happens next? The copier creates Lunchable Pizzas. <br />
<br />
Hey, surely you're familiar with the "spontaneously generate matter" option on a standard office copier, right?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnQD-77EkvXtdWBsQPLIsynU4-IehfTpDk9bSFwDycZFqym43ZeT9tIatGAyXgABWMHP08dEdEDkQmiNNKF8B_5Nm4yJdKMGep4qA_7ZiO_w4zduKZpFSlhi5sul4F2vzJaeI06lOI8yE/s1600/lunchables6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnQD-77EkvXtdWBsQPLIsynU4-IehfTpDk9bSFwDycZFqym43ZeT9tIatGAyXgABWMHP08dEdEDkQmiNNKF8B_5Nm4yJdKMGep4qA_7ZiO_w4zduKZpFSlhi5sul4F2vzJaeI06lOI8yE/s320/lunchables6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, they <i>do</i> taste kind of like paper...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>At first, this sounds like a major downgrade, eating some cold, flavorless cardboard shaped into dough instead of eating fresh delivery pizza, until the copier keeps spitting out so many Lunchable Pizzas that it creates a giant tower of food that can feed an entire classroom. That's right. In this very school and in this humble classroom is an honest to god <i>matter replicator</i>. And these kids are using it for mere product placement, the fools!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi404ZMktKB-fyK-cmNKENhaCB7p0vzvHn1PCE6-i9WUI2bgmmzZCqD5Tzkb5U2EZre0WTvKg2e75sULtCmKwcev1LuVuTSrPJEEGteGvTdBGyvFWztoiCV5LCYxEx-gw94PET9ZgPKcRo/s1600/lunchables7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi404ZMktKB-fyK-cmNKENhaCB7p0vzvHn1PCE6-i9WUI2bgmmzZCqD5Tzkb5U2EZre0WTvKg2e75sULtCmKwcev1LuVuTSrPJEEGteGvTdBGyvFWztoiCV5LCYxEx-gw94PET9ZgPKcRo/s320/lunchables7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And the delivery guy remains smiling, because he's so totally baked right now.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So basically, pizza plus copier equals infinite amounts of food just as long as the copier has a steady source of power. How wrong I was to mock the kid at the very beginning; he's solved world hunger in this commercial. <br />
<br />
I just hope everyone on planet Earth can tolerate frigid pizza sauce and tasteless cheese. Man those things were nasty...<br />
<b><br />
<br />
Why this commercial is awesome<br />
</b>Because it made many kids vainly try to photocopy pizza boxes in hoping the copier would actually spit out Lunchables.<br />
<br />
...or maybe I was just gullible. Either way, my mom was pissed.<b><br />
</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>5. Chips Ahoy Creamwiches<br />
</b></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjWZfIktvUgHtEj1tqJ5lRmdAsFiKce1cArOB8vXrgm4sMw32A4OeUiv9KR9U6sF1lJTN8Z6CD8jpSDFciCwZoEmbk5R4CNYhUTqxemVl_rTOMYDTvkNimqKvzj0JfBbYfaWNuuAnyxjM/s1600/chipsahoycremewiches.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjWZfIktvUgHtEj1tqJ5lRmdAsFiKce1cArOB8vXrgm4sMw32A4OeUiv9KR9U6sF1lJTN8Z6CD8jpSDFciCwZoEmbk5R4CNYhUTqxemVl_rTOMYDTvkNimqKvzj0JfBbYfaWNuuAnyxjM/s320/chipsahoycremewiches.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><b>Time Period: </b>early 2000's<br />
<br />
<i>Another</i> Chips Ahoy commercial? That's cheating!<br />
<br />
Fear not, reader, for there is a method to my madness. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The Commercial<br />
</b>Oh boy oh boy <i>oh boy</i>. I saved the best for last. If you watched TV at all during a certain time frame, you <i>will</i> have this commercial deeply imbedded in your memory nodes of your brain. And you're going to hate me for digging this memory up. It's not too late to turn away while the song is still out of your head!<br />
<br />
But before I begin, let me describe what goes on in this commercial. It's but a simple bus, commuting through the city. But, amongst the normal claymation-animated people, a pile of cream also rides. Looking like a large, sentient pile of splooge (meaning this bus is a lot like the bus I ride to my college) with oddly defined lips and eyeballs, no one comments on the strange, tasty being. Hey, just as long as he pays taxes and obeys the law, cream can become perfectly valued members of society just like the rest of us. Hell, one day, they might even elect a pile of cream as president!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih5phH0GtYJqnKlsAak03uLB3JgEYQLgFEgkceQ5F5wVuuohhmO2MJ1oXGzzg0vIM_idVOlf9Dntphttf8AV4zwWk8aCqTWM_7_jLtop77CrYiafvIGzpfZ2uarGNITAYFqS9-iYS3zck/s1600/chipsahoycremewiches1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih5phH0GtYJqnKlsAak03uLB3JgEYQLgFEgkceQ5F5wVuuohhmO2MJ1oXGzzg0vIM_idVOlf9Dntphttf8AV4zwWk8aCqTWM_7_jLtop77CrYiafvIGzpfZ2uarGNITAYFqS9-iYS3zck/s320/chipsahoycremewiches1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm sitting in something wet."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Suddenly, the bus stops. Two cookies board. Because why the hell not? If giant living, breathing creatures that look like the nearly melted remains of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man can exist in this world, why not giant, man-sized cookies?<br />
<br />
I also just noticed that neither of them paid. I understand that it would be hard for them to insert coins into the machine on account neither of them have any limbs, but it's still pretty rude. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip3zh7rlbb5fC1L8URDA_U2RUgbSoCs0PJZFJ3qBdICefgufZ46Th-gHOL-Zfbf8-tubk3e0DqaSFg5n-LN6kZrgLCP-X_eW_Et-qa_f8swwgI09IXlJ8gTBJpJfNarN9LxwpIfeEn3lc/s1600/chipsahoycremewiches2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip3zh7rlbb5fC1L8URDA_U2RUgbSoCs0PJZFJ3qBdICefgufZ46Th-gHOL-Zfbf8-tubk3e0DqaSFg5n-LN6kZrgLCP-X_eW_Et-qa_f8swwgI09IXlJ8gTBJpJfNarN9LxwpIfeEn3lc/s320/chipsahoycremewiches2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, Phil. I tell ya. They really discriminate against Bakery Americans."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Then, they sit right next to the cream and suddenly,<i> it happens</i>. The catchiest song in the history of food commercials. A song that resonates in the core of every unsuspecting human being that bore witness to this tragic, harrowing event. I can provide no more commentary. Instead, I'm going to merely replicate the lyrics in hopes I can recreate what just took place.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg86Uo1L36R1VnDtVIPI4i2uVpkt9rIbvg5i3YiqJEsHT9Je1cc55olFJd7YdKN_RGgU9Z2sycfrWOak2GqhT3W11phCMG4kF4BcY9hiEdyxrug62KjrvKK5SX3VHlG73ZAq-89yWZYjE0/s1600/chipsahoycremewiches3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg86Uo1L36R1VnDtVIPI4i2uVpkt9rIbvg5i3YiqJEsHT9Je1cc55olFJd7YdKN_RGgU9Z2sycfrWOak2GqhT3W11phCMG4kF4BcY9hiEdyxrug62KjrvKK5SX3VHlG73ZAq-89yWZYjE0/s320/chipsahoycremewiches3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdg4FFImgODyOktZy8ibKH9BnkJWAQGksj52t1aHcDUKReDCT86CaCl9qpfr8WpWhcsy2LeMIoYoiz9lRpPYjKJp7t6cksfjuz4UWr3bXIrYK4ESHq6aZslGT896ce5wkYSqjlywGJX_o/s1600/chipsahoycremewiches4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdg4FFImgODyOktZy8ibKH9BnkJWAQGksj52t1aHcDUKReDCT86CaCl9qpfr8WpWhcsy2LeMIoYoiz9lRpPYjKJp7t6cksfjuz4UWr3bXIrYK4ESHq6aZslGT896ce5wkYSqjlywGJX_o/s320/chipsahoycremewiches4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Iiiiii'm squeeeeeeezed in the middle,</i></b></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhcOcdH1FKOF3gf5-coWe6nb2TdAdY-uJ89EC9rQHG6mXeJt02ANMgrUXO_Q8mEdMQSanFpvrWWk-pslpaIva0vXXlLg41HBX5WC6WvG2H22hUbxDK6stULhENwUyS2k7HmlBSh2IAz70/s1600/chipsahoycremewiches5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhcOcdH1FKOF3gf5-coWe6nb2TdAdY-uJ89EC9rQHG6mXeJt02ANMgrUXO_Q8mEdMQSanFpvrWWk-pslpaIva0vXXlLg41HBX5WC6WvG2H22hUbxDK6stULhENwUyS2k7HmlBSh2IAz70/s320/chipsahoycremewiches5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>Smack dab in the middle!</b></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-340PYzHeOohfx2c4o_yPrp41ZFz7vxSDDWiFzM1GOLI_8rymynAVxYrhwNBSVOUn6J6oZ8LzXFaLV7ALVPXcjAZAnvHASqDoQkrIFaL3i5y_PAouVDjwm2VNc8rla07pNWqwQm1-MIE/s1600/chipsahoycremewiches6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-340PYzHeOohfx2c4o_yPrp41ZFz7vxSDDWiFzM1GOLI_8rymynAVxYrhwNBSVOUn6J6oZ8LzXFaLV7ALVPXcjAZAnvHASqDoQkrIFaL3i5y_PAouVDjwm2VNc8rla07pNWqwQm1-MIE/s320/chipsahoycremewiches6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>Squeeeeeeeezed in the middle,</b></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEmS1VvZglt7JTRxiknst7xEJJ3whobyKao9Hk9SdeeNeGsa47rZAFlIct_KOeTajTXCE7EMfumuAY3e1qvnTovbUgVzwigNtaYrqUZHzE3yJ8_JMBlewmc16olHQDSdiWFySqbtaNNlw/s1600/chipsahoycremewiches7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEmS1VvZglt7JTRxiknst7xEJJ3whobyKao9Hk9SdeeNeGsa47rZAFlIct_KOeTajTXCE7EMfumuAY3e1qvnTovbUgVzwigNtaYrqUZHzE3yJ8_JMBlewmc16olHQDSdiWFySqbtaNNlw/s320/chipsahoycremewiches7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>Smack dab in the middle!</b></i></span><br />
<br />
Behold, a song that defined a generation.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Why this commercial is awesome<br />
</b>Really, nothing more can be said. I can't touch perfection and that's exactly what this commercial is.<b><br />
</b><b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
--------------<br />
</b>And with those wise lyrics, I conclude my list of snack commercials. I may one day return to the land of commercials and once more talk about the snippets of animation that usually are forgotten by most cartoon gurus, but for now, I have actual shows that I need to talk about.<br />
<br />
Because why talk about 30 seconds of commercial when I can talk about toy commercials that are over 20 minutes long?<b><br />
</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TnkgN6fhMzc/TiY9z2UCrGI/AAAAAAAAAJg/vMQGkj4lRYQ/s1600/creepy.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TnkgN6fhMzc/TiY9z2UCrGI/AAAAAAAAAJg/vMQGkj4lRYQ/s320/creepy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-31x1g5_1cPE/TkGyEzM1mgI/AAAAAAAAAo8/nqoUuxjejKA/s1600/sharks.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="204" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-31x1g5_1cPE/TkGyEzM1mgI/AAAAAAAAAo8/nqoUuxjejKA/s320/sharks.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Aw yeah, that's some good commercialism right there...<b><br />
</b><b><br />
</b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-5503430981224244112012-02-23T07:48:00.854-08:002012-04-06T19:24:54.318-07:00Spliced - Fairly Odd PrincessesI was looking through my older posts and realized that, even though I really like this show, haven't talked about it in a while.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid_pVZQiltILXZvDSETMmw0VRMZP7shBTgw-aJEN4Oo_yIiQqugtXK-ta9lJiv8EaRjGmOnOaMh1LsDoHzzk1p2ekJLeAIHXoD0lwVgb-VhEQoPWGXDSvAPPsW9b8BAaPEXjEZ56VhEuI/s1600/spliced.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid_pVZQiltILXZvDSETMmw0VRMZP7shBTgw-aJEN4Oo_yIiQqugtXK-ta9lJiv8EaRjGmOnOaMh1LsDoHzzk1p2ekJLeAIHXoD0lwVgb-VhEQoPWGXDSvAPPsW9b8BAaPEXjEZ56VhEuI/s400/spliced.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
I'll be honest. The last time I talked about the show and made a post about the show, I didn't feel it did the source material justice. Oh, the post isn't <i>bad</i>, I'm not saying that I already hate my own material now. It's just I felt that something was lacking from that post and some of my old jokes are just plain not holding up. I'm personally blaming it on the fact that it was one of the first posts I ever did for this site (Internet writing has a very steep learning curve) so now I hope I can appease the Spliced fanbase (all five of you) by writing a better post!<br />
<br />
And what a better way to talk about the show than by actually talking about the episode that really introduced me to the show. <br />
<br />
Now, while Stuck Together <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/07/spliced-stuck-together.html">(the last episode I talked about when introducing the show in my blog) </a>is a good episode and is technically, being a part of the first episode, how most people were introduced to this show, I myself consider this episode to be <i>my</i> show starter. It was the episode that helped prove to me that this was a show worth watching, because it had a giant gorilla with a pony hand making diamonds in its huge monkey fists while a dolphin wore a dress and performed fairy magic. No other cartoon has that, and I doubt no cartoon ever will.<br />
<br />
That being said, let the show reference a completely different cartoon in this episode's title while I talk at length about fairies in...<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Fairly Odd Princesses</b></div><b> </b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7EPVPUBvq11MfWOA3OeYlrjjVF24Mzebwtk6KMGQ6ecPlq4bXdTmT1EJA7TUNcbBGJX6-SF0BKyhx20Romx8vLNCHQXqEkvP-bXdn4sGrF5tPl4XGHwCZ-W0Co-I89mjy0wPzXbdBiWE/s1600/spliced.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7EPVPUBvq11MfWOA3OeYlrjjVF24Mzebwtk6KMGQ6ecPlq4bXdTmT1EJA7TUNcbBGJX6-SF0BKyhx20Romx8vLNCHQXqEkvP-bXdn4sGrF5tPl4XGHwCZ-W0Co-I89mjy0wPzXbdBiWE/s400/spliced.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcRWmUBNaf3TkXr_qnyvX-oJUGlNrpXKtyO5x88Cw6Dthx_ynJCMK_bEABezq9ACuw8vZyUqhOY9CVp2AVqIPjsuFqkeYqICPVKN5BMuqLNfCoPTFV6hW8gtB_8_Ddit5Zkna2WC_H_CE/s1600/spliced1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcRWmUBNaf3TkXr_qnyvX-oJUGlNrpXKtyO5x88Cw6Dthx_ynJCMK_bEABezq9ACuw8vZyUqhOY9CVp2AVqIPjsuFqkeYqICPVKN5BMuqLNfCoPTFV6hW8gtB_8_Ddit5Zkna2WC_H_CE/s400/spliced1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><b><br />
Airdate: </b>October 10, 2009<b><br />
<br />
Availability: </b><span style="color: red;">Online Only</span><b> </b><span style="color: blue;">(or still in reruns, depending on the territory)<span style="color: black;"><br />
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<span style="color: black;"> <br />
One of the good things about this episode is that it happens to have some of the other mutants that weren't really present in the previous episode I talked about, meaning I won't have to repeat so much of my own material. I'll get to Princess Pony Apehands later because I'm going to need all the space I can get to talk about her, so instead I'll talk about the first hideous mutant this show opens on, </span>Fuzzy Snuggums<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;">. I'm seriously not making that name up, by the way. You gotta admire a cartoon that willingly hires five-year-olds to help with the design.<br />
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Looking more like a reject from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends than a terrifying science experiment meant to take over the world, </span></span>Fuzzy Snuggums is some sort of weird <i>thing</i> with a timid, child-like voice and a freakishly huge head much larger than his body that's constantly trying to seek adventure away from the island. Unfortunately, he constantly fails in his escape attempts because they have a status quo to maintain. Before you ask, <i>no</i>, I have no idea what animals he's made out of. Unlike most of the other mutants, it's really unclear as to what Fuzzy is made out of, besides fairy floss and sickeningly sweet adorableness. I'm guessing the mad scientist responsible for birthing these sins against nature was bored one day and wanted to see if he could create a Dr. Seuss character. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCQ9jpicoDRJo__PxLdne0qwoQorf6RpkCAUQQWXkQhuxM21-W_Q7PgdXuPrIVKwNe_MDYVkIDyUTjSHBtF47kGzimaA4WBbSomS_FGb5Acfo0PWfCIOS3VBoHgDXZ_-4xZ4EG1SQc2Rk/s1600/splicedfairlyodd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCQ9jpicoDRJo__PxLdne0qwoQorf6RpkCAUQQWXkQhuxM21-W_Q7PgdXuPrIVKwNe_MDYVkIDyUTjSHBtF47kGzimaA4WBbSomS_FGb5Acfo0PWfCIOS3VBoHgDXZ_-4xZ4EG1SQc2Rk/s320/splicedfairlyodd.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My brain is undecided between finding Fuzzy cute or finding Fuzzy terrifying.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: black;">His escape contraption for the day happens to be an innocent-looking armchair and, like anyone who doesn't know that they're just inches away from total failure, he's really certain that this attempt is going to be the attempt that works. He even tearfully bids farewell to his friends, which are a group of coconuts with faces on them, because every good cartoon needs at least one Cast Away reference.<br />
<br />
And even though this island is fully populated with a bunch of different mutants of many shapes and sizes and is not a deserted island by any means of the world, Fuzzy <i>still</i> could only make friends with inanimate objects in order to fight off his overwhelming loneliness. Awww, now I feel bad for this googly-eyed mockery of Mother Nature's creations.<br />
</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOcYVkg1xCMpS6qqHcDWcBr-QJRGych7rEQTvzvK4w91mTO94RfU5kQu0mkd7vWTv_nzlLn2nE-Kun_w9gFwYNyDw9aETMapaaUldCkrRAnYhTrjBrbBEzTDQqRrD62SSs5nKT0eV757g/s1600/splicedfairlyodd7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOcYVkg1xCMpS6qqHcDWcBr-QJRGych7rEQTvzvK4w91mTO94RfU5kQu0mkd7vWTv_nzlLn2nE-Kun_w9gFwYNyDw9aETMapaaUldCkrRAnYhTrjBrbBEzTDQqRrD62SSs5nKT0eV757g/s320/splicedfairlyodd7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm really digging the :3 face coconut.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: black;">Since his device is an armchair, this happens to attract the attention of Peri (the orange Spongebob-like one) and </span>Entrée (the Patrick-like one), our two loveable main characters. Thanks to the laws of comedy, Entrée doesn't so much walk onto the scene as he does <i>teleport</i>, because one moment, Fuzzy's by himself, talking to his imaginary coconut friends, and the next moment, the cow/pig/chicken/shrimp mutant's passed out on his chair, snoring away. I like how the supposedly fat, stupid one can be as stealthy as he pleases just so long as he's guaranteed a nap for his efforts.<br />
<br />
I also like how neither of them find this situation weird. Oh sure, they have tentacles and udders and all that good stuff, but that doesn't excuse the fact that Fuzzy here has an armchair just sitting outside on a beach while he was talking to fruit. I bet when Fuzzy was feverishly painting faces on those coconuts in order to give a physical form to the awful voices in his head, everyone on Keep Away Isle just assumed Sir Snuggums has a weird, frightening hobby. Now I wonder if Fuzzy's home is covered from floor to ceiling with silent, eternally staring coconuts, each in a different state of decay, their awkward, hairy presence unnerving anyone who dares enter his lair.<br />
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Oh right, the <i>cartoon</i>. Moving on...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA3KDaZJ61H-LSOCHuIufJ1izZF08bv60yAnDGXw3z1BnWyGDCE0ijtrf36bst7N-1QVMyN85RpxcFRWBe0VB2nVK3-8TTtvjG1iAErISaCUCxrt0m6AcWfqDq4ravqlmyBsRlG2NajkM/s1600/splicedfairlyodd1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA3KDaZJ61H-LSOCHuIufJ1izZF08bv60yAnDGXw3z1BnWyGDCE0ijtrf36bst7N-1QVMyN85RpxcFRWBe0VB2nVK3-8TTtvjG1iAErISaCUCxrt0m6AcWfqDq4ravqlmyBsRlG2NajkM/s320/splicedfairlyodd1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So, Fuzzy. How's your Dissociative Identity Disorder treating you?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: black;">It turns out that the reason Fuzzy <strike>Lumpkins</strike> Snuggums has a chair sitting out in the open is not because he's insane (even though he certainly is), but because this isn't just any armchair. Turns out it's also a spring-loaded catapult and, when Peri tries to make an adjustment, it sends them flying through the air. <br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black;">Luckily, </span>Entrée has wings (and I won't hold it against you if the fact that Entrée's arms are really wings came as a surprise), so he's able to slow their fall. According to Peri, they would actually <b>die</b> if they fell from that high of a height instead of merely splatting against the ground and then turning into accordions like the old Looney Tunes shorts. Entrée may have giant nipples for feet, but he still operates with the same kind of logic as the rest of us mere mortals. <br />
<span style="color: black;"><br />
...so basically, if </span>Entrée<span style="color: black;"> and Peri didn't sit on that armchair, Fuzzy Snuggums would've most assuredly fallen to his death. Now <i>that's</i> a pleasant thought to start the cartoon on. Fuzzy is not only suffering from schizophrenia, but he's also incredibly reckless. <br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXvMGnNj_Tr92qzfwzGOGWHfHCeKELk7l0a1x-Ds-NH108ojbx564JTnr6o6w8k7LcRa6jfx8LbvYcbiqSLzBPfwLy-7SuLECZ_VvElnGBxlZEs83V8M7zfTdO4c7zL1VRwSs1_jyFTus/s1600/splicedfairlyodd2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXvMGnNj_Tr92qzfwzGOGWHfHCeKELk7l0a1x-Ds-NH108ojbx564JTnr6o6w8k7LcRa6jfx8LbvYcbiqSLzBPfwLy-7SuLECZ_VvElnGBxlZEs83V8M7zfTdO4c7zL1VRwSs1_jyFTus/s320/splicedfairlyodd2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Entrée really overdoes it on the eyeshadow.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With his vestigial body parts saving the day, the two goofy companions merely partake in some slapstick and some property damage when they hit the city instead of grotesquely dying and having the society of freakish abominations end up sentencing Fuzzy with unintentional manslaughter. I'm not sure where all the mutants on Keep Away Isle got the supplies to build their houses, their stores, and their fancy city streets from. I'm just going to assume that some freak hurricane blew several freight ships carrying several thousand tons of lumber and nails were washed ashore. <br />
<br />
And, through a series of cartoon physics, they crash through several beauty salons and clothes stores until they land in a tree, all dressed up and covered in fancy makeup. So, why would the genetic experiments have clothes and wigs if, most of the time, the entire cast walks around butt-naked? Entrée's main form of locomotion is considered obscene enough as it is without having to ponder the fact that he's also nude on top of that. And presumably great-tasting.<br />
<br />
Ah well. At least they're color-coordinated.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs7waz49YX7TInI0Ex4k5l2ypjFgEyRmYEqpD3_-Ulo8vonXpknFnxuVhkIdIqjbBd0K7FrEVH3Iwrr99_Jef7uqkBkt7e75QsV0_smryoTOEn6KuaRE71lsvmjCoKiWXPEv7SYq_agXM/s1600/splicedfairlyodd3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs7waz49YX7TInI0Ex4k5l2ypjFgEyRmYEqpD3_-Ulo8vonXpknFnxuVhkIdIqjbBd0K7FrEVH3Iwrr99_Jef7uqkBkt7e75QsV0_smryoTOEn6KuaRE71lsvmjCoKiWXPEv7SYq_agXM/s320/splicedfairlyodd3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Entrée's bra is in the wrong spot.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unfortunately, the tree they landed in happens to be the tree next to Princess Pony Apehands' house. The best way to describe Princess is to say that they stuck Dee Dee from Dexter's Laboratory in Seth Brundle's teleportation pod with a giant gorilla. On one hand, she likes tea parties and teddy bears and frilly things, but on the other hand, most of the people on the island are afraid of her because when she gets mad, bones end up breaking.<br />
<br />
What use this creature would have in the mad scientist's domination, though, I really have no clue. I'm just going to assume that, like Fuzzy Snuggums, the sick freak of a doctor decided that he wanted a goddamn gorilla with a horse's head running around and nobody was going to tell him otherwise. I can see why the authorities were able to catch this guy now. He has no rhyme or reason to his schemes. <br />
<br />
That being said, I'll be honest. This is a really fun twist on the whole "young girly princess character that loves ponies, fairies, and pink" archetype that pops up from time to time in these shows. The fact that her voice is manly as hell while still having a cutesy lisp just makes everything better. Apehands for president. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPki33n_rczmLsc6n3sAA_erEYw8iqx0Ix2E4O4RLdb5Z8Qqx3GX5YbH7V5gW7TlsosMoMOddgvA1r2FM1oOF7RsKb6-Vl01o6Y_0ktktJ_0ryS_LhyGMt6Ywue4ywhoSg5pImvtKF8H4/s1600/splicedfairlyodd4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPki33n_rczmLsc6n3sAA_erEYw8iqx0Ix2E4O4RLdb5Z8Qqx3GX5YbH7V5gW7TlsosMoMOddgvA1r2FM1oOF7RsKb6-Vl01o6Y_0ktktJ_0ryS_LhyGMt6Ywue4ywhoSg5pImvtKF8H4/s320/splicedfairlyodd4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The most accurate representation of the brony subculture <i>ever</i>. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>While Princess is coloring, she's interrupted by the sound of two assholes crashing into her house and later her tree. At first, it looks like she's going to kill them (because Princess's tactic for anything that annoys her is to beat it up until it stops moving), until she sees their pretty little dresses and makeup. Instantly, her mood changes from murderous anger to child-like joy, because she thinks that honest to god fairies have arrived and are here to be her friends. Man, it's a good thing Peri and Entrée crashed through women's clothing instead of male clothing or else the rest of the episode would be us watching those two slowly recover in Keep Away Isle's Intensive Care from the many bone fractures received from an angry gorillapony. <br />
<br />
And yet I can't help but feel sorry for poor Princess Pony Apehands. She was dreaming for fairies to be her friends for quite some time, and the ones that finally <i>do </i>show up are ugly as hell. If I was a little girl and an obese pig-cow fairy with a coconut bra and droopy udder feet appeared in my home, I'd need intensive therapy in order to safely reenter society. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn_HqPG5gxmYARIExhklR5TGtmYWkK5ttST7es5awVYv1sucfIbWDV_YPcZzAibcgnqAHGgghfY21w5JS1490mew9YhXk5R0SnMmcLtBXHug_cJZlWb2LCggm86icNyYEf4phGtD49FM0/s1600/splicedfairlyodd5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn_HqPG5gxmYARIExhklR5TGtmYWkK5ttST7es5awVYv1sucfIbWDV_YPcZzAibcgnqAHGgghfY21w5JS1490mew9YhXk5R0SnMmcLtBXHug_cJZlWb2LCggm86icNyYEf4phGtD49FM0/s320/splicedfairlyodd5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Princess drew fanart! Please +fav and leave comment!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And oh my god, I practically died laughing when she hugs them. In the beginning of this post, I mentioned that this was the episode that proved to me that this was a show worth watching, and I think it was <b>this </b>scene that did it. I've said it once and I'll say it again. This cartoon, while it is a Flash cartoon, has great exaggeration and great moments where the animation is really fluid.<br />
<br />
Now, a moment of silence for our two protagonists' spines, which most assuredly got liquified by that power hug.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH38OmplAsYUQcDxKhx56CC9HT7ka_8CRCMD1D1VfLL86pFlZHgc5HLBclGrmkw1plBhevE7nQqmkVRpfYcE4_5_i6WoHwHjqE9sU4cixKqhbtz_Q6pLvhuCMLhVq8qmlggb4C3IbOH9w/s1600/splicedfairlyodd6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH38OmplAsYUQcDxKhx56CC9HT7ka_8CRCMD1D1VfLL86pFlZHgc5HLBclGrmkw1plBhevE7nQqmkVRpfYcE4_5_i6WoHwHjqE9sU4cixKqhbtz_Q6pLvhuCMLhVq8qmlggb4C3IbOH9w/s320/splicedfairlyodd6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Princess am biggest fan! Please comment on Princess cosplay!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>At first, Peri tries to correct the giant hulking monster over their true identity, but that's when Entrée<span style="color: black;"> quickly and wisely shuts his friend up (because otherwise the monkey monster is going to kill them) and insists that they're both fairies just so that she can help them out of the tree. In the scrumptious mutant's words, the reason they can't get down is because their wings fell off. Makes sense to me.<br />
<br />
Man, there's nothing like taking advantage of a developmentally disadvantaged acquaintance's trust in order to advance the plot. Am I right?<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl-Cq3P_ZG5XqNM98_Om2dqPP5fxjI3lXIKulLOQx5rHrTLCQetOlxj_BoPubhCMBcytogf4iDt2UJ9TCgEGbtgL6FKMAuawHqoUSabVsMEBLzY7nCR6hPe4gD7h61squw8CdfZsxNEWA/s1600/splicedfairlyodd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl-Cq3P_ZG5XqNM98_Om2dqPP5fxjI3lXIKulLOQx5rHrTLCQetOlxj_BoPubhCMBcytogf4iDt2UJ9TCgEGbtgL6FKMAuawHqoUSabVsMEBLzY7nCR6hPe4gD7h61squw8CdfZsxNEWA/s320/splicedfairlyodd.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who <i>wouldn't</i> trust that face?</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;"></span></div><span style="color: black;">Once they're freed from the tree's branches (although they could've just removed their clothing, even if that would be distressing for Princess), they wisely run away before King Kong's daughter catches wind that she's been tricked. But, when the two mutated animals arrive at Peri's house and start to dwell upon just what the hell happened back there, a sinister thought floats through the bacon-flavored recesses of </span>Entrée's brain. If they can convince Princess to help them out of that tree, then maybe they can make her do other crap for them as well! <span style="color: black;">Light bulb!<br />
<br />
Peri, of course, thinks this sounds like a terrible idea (and it is), because they're going to be lying to someone who can dissolve their skulls with just one well-aimed punch. He ends up going along with it anyways, because they have a plot to maintain and plus </span>Entrée is going to look like a major dumbass doing his Ed, Edd, and Eddy-style scam all by himself. <br />
<br />
So, I wonder if anyone is missing their bras and dresses. The reason they have those outfits on is because they crashed into someone's clothesline...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVoO17q0reaBY-FsOxZrBwiPZU_u1CjK9d4sa-3dIIgbgtgrkrcXOTt0s2wkWO1PZxNO5hsWfGG_70YjLEjmlBko1nzIJ9nIoMNlo6Uo3jEXbHNvuyOeoq8l8jl_QTj8DTVYpe2Rf2Rkc/s1600/splicedfairlyodd1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVoO17q0reaBY-FsOxZrBwiPZU_u1CjK9d4sa-3dIIgbgtgrkrcXOTt0s2wkWO1PZxNO5hsWfGG_70YjLEjmlBko1nzIJ9nIoMNlo6Uo3jEXbHNvuyOeoq8l8jl_QTj8DTVYpe2Rf2Rkc/s320/splicedfairlyodd1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, those two are into some pretty kinky stuff.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: black;">From this information alone, you can guess what happens after that. The next day, Entrena Glitterwings and Perina Magicbutt (gotta love their fairy names) show up at Princess Pony Apehands' house and decide to make with the fake girly voices (or at least </span>Entrée does; he puts way more of an effort in his work)<span style="color: black;"> and the sparklies in order to entrance their future slave. Princess is thrilled, because in her puny little mind, she thinks that the fae folk have come to make her wishes come true. Awww, that's so sweet coming from a purple-furred monstrosity. <br />
<br />
I'm also curious as to how Apehands manages to put on that pearl necklace and tiara with her giant monkey fists. <br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaxhtCeNCBIp28yp3p1jQVGo8ozIlVR0hGD9ivElmUA_TROrilAboCaHWYMZDuwzRuWaCgmZdNPyp36vokrYGDFEphQ0TwY2Ybr9zPCNLswWb-JxSWsgJpewoCIIDh_UgraGJbUvaMC5I/s1600/splicedfairlyodd2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaxhtCeNCBIp28yp3p1jQVGo8ozIlVR0hGD9ivElmUA_TROrilAboCaHWYMZDuwzRuWaCgmZdNPyp36vokrYGDFEphQ0TwY2Ybr9zPCNLswWb-JxSWsgJpewoCIIDh_UgraGJbUvaMC5I/s320/splicedfairlyodd2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Perina Magicbutt is totally rocking the 80's look.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: black;">And, since I can't figure out where else to point this out, I might as well make note of the strange running gag in this episode where, whenever Peri tries to say something that can compromise their scheme, </span>Entrée<span style="color: black;"> shoves something in his mouth. I totally didn't mean for that to come out as a double entendre, but that's what he does.<br />
<br />
At first, the items are innocuous, like a tree branch, but they quickly get more and more absurd because over time, </span>Entrée<span style="color: black;">'s Shove Thing in Peri's Mouth skill gains experience and levels up, so the items turn into things like bike tires and tricycles. </span>It's nice of Entrée to break his friend's jaw before Princess Pony Apehands can get a chance to do so. <br />
<br />
This scene also helps to differentiate Entrée from Patrick, the fat idiot friend protagonist that Entrée is constantly compared to by useless hacks like myself. You see, while Patrick is an idiot who can sometimes be a jerk, Entrée is a jerk that can sometimes be an idiot. There's a key difference!<br />
<span style="color: black;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-wmXI6jU321xPcY6SOHQ1MR48pM8R7lx0cqv9-iMp6R-hedVZRTROP6NApJuCcwxJHHSQN4vq5gEa-CHkuxskizi5vA_46XadP-oXkQ9LmiLfKpak-O_vJJzqbIxh2zzcwVKn5YIUgIk/s1600/splicedfairlyodd3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-wmXI6jU321xPcY6SOHQ1MR48pM8R7lx0cqv9-iMp6R-hedVZRTROP6NApJuCcwxJHHSQN4vq5gEa-CHkuxskizi5vA_46XadP-oXkQ9LmiLfKpak-O_vJJzqbIxh2zzcwVKn5YIUgIk/s320/splicedfairlyodd3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Peri, do you have enough tricycles to share with the rest of the class?</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: black;">Their pursuit is a simple one. What they do (or rather, what </span><i>Entrée</i> does) is purposely withhold any fairy magic from Princess until she does what they say. I could've sworn this is the same plot used in the ancient Greek play Lysistrata. Good for Spliced to somehow manage to adapt it for a younger crowd. <br />
<br />
Course, when they ask favors from Princess, she really goes all out. The fat one asks for some ice cream, so our hulking little princess suddenly pulls out a goddamn <i>ice cream truck</i> and showers them with frozen delights. Yeah, I can see why it was so tempting to scheme Pony Apehands now.<br />
<br />
By the way, for those curious, Peri and Entrée are going to be in dresses for the vast majority of this episode. I love how comfortable they are with crossdressing.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAT4Eex5-dRGFgNI-wNnxiy3TP_t58_vLXvQYiYyBWWGshywCbx4GNRf_NasuHj9Z4YIYgqbLbjK6H4avltcuGQBsUVbCytxW42HERf7ybaDzP5JQWkm70e9y_eEuSg66pquC-UvaVDCc/s1600/splicedfairlyodd4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAT4Eex5-dRGFgNI-wNnxiy3TP_t58_vLXvQYiYyBWWGshywCbx4GNRf_NasuHj9Z4YIYgqbLbjK6H4avltcuGQBsUVbCytxW42HERf7ybaDzP5JQWkm70e9y_eEuSg66pquC-UvaVDCc/s320/splicedfairlyodd4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtjFezp-JHrFUtle-H7c0tTyGxLdex6wK6WVhoMThggeEr3Qs3sweRhyphenhyphen9fBxCXcmv5vLtMDUBVaQJEEFXamIixtWjML7u_mf7abxzm62aAXaBqlK-SNiC6M_dLSpXaxxgRIWhdVbpuc0/s1600/splicedfairlyodd5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtjFezp-JHrFUtle-H7c0tTyGxLdex6wK6WVhoMThggeEr3Qs3sweRhyphenhyphen9fBxCXcmv5vLtMDUBVaQJEEFXamIixtWjML7u_mf7abxzm62aAXaBqlK-SNiC6M_dLSpXaxxgRIWhdVbpuc0/s320/splicedfairlyodd5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Aww, come on, can I have some of that ice cream, Entrée?"<br />
"Only when you finish that tricycle."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As you can guess, this leads to a montage where they scam present after present of the overly trusting ape in order to show how long they were getting away with this. And, over time, Peri and Entrée get lazier and lazier with their fairy personas. This montage is kind of sad, partly because Peri, who was resisting this idea at first, gradually succumbs to the asshattery that his friend partakes in and he too becomes lazy and complacent in his infinite gifts. Ouch.<br />
<br />
And if you don't end up feeling sorry for the enormous ape chimera after seeing this scene, then your heart is made of stone. She gives them snowmobiles, a new house (!), and brand new shoes, and they can't even summon enough energy to dance a decent fairy jig. Peri and Entrée are dicks.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLrPNBy6_brfMiof9f-IrMPWhLAndHCC5M9meK9YsQoYDsR23fkuth1JtejciHX67dKvw09yqml7AMQpC22dWwr4RdZr53kgzVKsuOu6qNqt74gx3lrIbfsoqchmLx5080BaUoEY2Nqgo/s1600/splicedfairlyodd7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLrPNBy6_brfMiof9f-IrMPWhLAndHCC5M9meK9YsQoYDsR23fkuth1JtejciHX67dKvw09yqml7AMQpC22dWwr4RdZr53kgzVKsuOu6qNqt74gx3lrIbfsoqchmLx5080BaUoEY2Nqgo/s320/splicedfairlyodd7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhojWer88M0TSmcBxr5Wyd8fwuvE6I60nscbZvZnzj9jc70vXG9RzYSciJvsfwC3VsTD8b0oRAaz4uMr89yRU_ZfMD79j2ZlvPDNdh0GRsyuG80D7N1GbYdKCjVEa_n-EGMahJXAoGkCPk/s1600/splicedfairlyodd6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhojWer88M0TSmcBxr5Wyd8fwuvE6I60nscbZvZnzj9jc70vXG9RzYSciJvsfwC3VsTD8b0oRAaz4uMr89yRU_ZfMD79j2ZlvPDNdh0GRsyuG80D7N1GbYdKCjVEa_n-EGMahJXAoGkCPk/s320/splicedfairlyodd6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Aww man, my fairies <i>suck</i>!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But wait! This plot is way too simple and a little mean-spirited for the writers' liking. Luckily, they managed a way to work the villains into this plot too. Turns out squirrelsquid and cowchickenpigshrimp are secretly being watched by <strike>Big Brother</strike> Mister Smarty Smarts and Octocat, thanks to their lovely computer monitor that happens to see right into Princess's house.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Okay, <b><i>why</i></b> do they have a camera in Princess Pony Apehands's house? How were they able to catch this simple act of greed out of all of the other actions currently taking place on the island? Were they just spying on Princess, or do they have a hidden array of thousands upon thousands of cameras lurking everywhere?<br />
<br />
...oh <i>god.</i> What else can they see on Keep Away Isle!? This is a violation of the other mutants' privacy, Smarts!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5corrbeGCFOcYl9INlcbJsEWg-dfTATeAIYJuC_xcCK01O_LPdKUq0v5Bn9mAqU7Yr_9XaQrn1FegCbLCjQLeGtXsrTkXBFNB_-W4PRuxiL-azRweTU1yI2KjxOZWOhbMU3c-qzugSGY/s1600/splicedfairlyodd8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5corrbeGCFOcYl9INlcbJsEWg-dfTATeAIYJuC_xcCK01O_LPdKUq0v5Bn9mAqU7Yr_9XaQrn1FegCbLCjQLeGtXsrTkXBFNB_-W4PRuxiL-azRweTU1yI2KjxOZWOhbMU3c-qzugSGY/s320/splicedfairlyodd8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ewww, this cartoon is made in Flash! I miss the 90's when cartoons were actually good."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Mister Smarty Smarts, in all of his creepy, off-putting, spying glory, is understandably impressed by their efforts to tame what is one of the most lethal monsters on the island. And now he wants some of that power for himself. That's a pretty concise villain plot for a dolphin fused with a chimpanzee fused with a Jack Russel Terrier. I guess with only eleven minutes for each segment, you can only work with so much.<br />
<br />
Also, isn't it wonderful how this plot is basically everybody exploiting the same person just because they happen to be very gullible and very generous? Like normal human beings, the mutants in Spliced can have their moments where they're just absolute jerks to this one solitary person, all for the sake of personal gain. Now<i> that's</i> educational!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXj9fXMD2EhIgSGuxYCMV6HLf-wPVpVlcHOjru1QOw6WIx8NZVRA6rzWxI16FNezAaMPDL_dTyqtq3z28y3XGoym_qV5pfYjiIVmnKDbGJFHp1fXaDb8v5v3Vp21yvrs8ilv9Izg9IAoA/s1600/splicedfairlyodd9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXj9fXMD2EhIgSGuxYCMV6HLf-wPVpVlcHOjru1QOw6WIx8NZVRA6rzWxI16FNezAaMPDL_dTyqtq3z28y3XGoym_qV5pfYjiIVmnKDbGJFHp1fXaDb8v5v3Vp21yvrs8ilv9Izg9IAoA/s320/splicedfairlyodd9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I mean, hey, I didn't want these characters to be the actual villains of the episode. <br />
I had to step in before they looked bad!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, Magicbutt and Glitterwings are still being jerkasses to Princess Pony Apehands. It almost makes you want to look forward for the inevitable beating they're going to receive when you hear the poor horse-headed primate whimper in sadness. Awww, poor several ton gorilla mutant...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu_Vghg4a5k_tHAlg8QHlYp4jaFy84P1WFXtBsoGqAzK6osE60wWZruW1_CUVINejwCVN-_7XOvpoSABzGVSRS1cDnv1oUptEHU3bG_ocXVY_1JUW1YNPUaNAAzn1tAPETqpBUOdMGdHw/s1600/splicedfairlyodd10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu_Vghg4a5k_tHAlg8QHlYp4jaFy84P1WFXtBsoGqAzK6osE60wWZruW1_CUVINejwCVN-_7XOvpoSABzGVSRS1cDnv1oUptEHU3bG_ocXVY_1JUW1YNPUaNAAzn1tAPETqpBUOdMGdHw/s320/splicedfairlyodd10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why the long face?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Suddenly, Smartana Sparklekins the Fairy Queen arrives! Looking like some nightmarish version of my grandmother, Mister Smarty Smarts starts acting like he's an actual fairy queen (complete with a voice that sounds like a British nanny, making this scene a subtle Mrs. Doubtfire reference) and starts chastising Peri and Entrée for being absolutely awful in their magic. The two assholes freak out because they honestly, actually believe that this is an honest to god fairy queen and decide to listen to "her" so they don't get carted away by the fairy police. Keep Away Isle is not known for its high test scores, obviously. <br />
<br />
I also just noticed that half of the screens in this post are this bizarre shade of pink. I <i>was</i> going to say "I sure hope no one with testosterone is reading this" but then I remembered that My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic exists. The Internet can handle a little bit more pink.<br />
<br />
Also, I totally dig the fact that, thanks to the way Smarty Smarts walks, the Fairy Queen looks like she has no arms. Hell, in closeups, you can clearly see where Smarty Smarts removed the sleeves and then stitched them in a way so that the dress was more suited for his body type. Does Princess just write these fairies off as deformed?<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiugEi5e-Qh8iDTpkM686Rz96dHQ4fJ0F2B1q4N_QipNsk34wqojgFG4yI0MSvz4zEXYYj4bGX26qqPSfyxtZK1mrYQFzI-TCTKIBZKztHKQXY93FGXCwfKmTLYEfpiwB80vpXf5VUQf7s/s1600/splicedfairlyodd11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiugEi5e-Qh8iDTpkM686Rz96dHQ4fJ0F2B1q4N_QipNsk34wqojgFG4yI0MSvz4zEXYYj4bGX26qqPSfyxtZK1mrYQFzI-TCTKIBZKztHKQXY93FGXCwfKmTLYEfpiwB80vpXf5VUQf7s/s320/splicedfairlyodd11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even fairies are harmfully affected by pollution in the water supply!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, even though this isn't at all important to the plot, there is a great line in this scene too perfect to go unnoticed. When Smartana the Fairy Queen chastises the fairy failures, she says to Entrée to wear black next time, which causes the pig to sadly look at his bra and sigh. Hee hee, adult humor in kid's cartoons. Love it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwVvyCr77TNvxOmHyqTHw0LPHNjSpAivCTPUkSpdDN2X1Rmb7ghTjhQfuXwvu4fK6LxEMez2i8auOuImbCaC3O1EGSdQ3OqfjaGtxko13mHV4vX1czeIsEMTGHA94oW1isscEGI3Ttyyo/s1600/splicedfairlyodd12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwVvyCr77TNvxOmHyqTHw0LPHNjSpAivCTPUkSpdDN2X1Rmb7ghTjhQfuXwvu4fK6LxEMez2i8auOuImbCaC3O1EGSdQ3OqfjaGtxko13mHV4vX1czeIsEMTGHA94oW1isscEGI3Ttyyo/s320/splicedfairlyodd12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And don't ask where he got the coconuts. They were carried to Keep Away Isle by migrating African swallows.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Instantly, the Fairy Queen takes control, not only bossing around Princess Pony Apehands, but the other two fairies as well. Because Smarty Smarts is, in fact, the established villain of this cartoon, and for him to be doing anything less would be to ruin his given role. <br />
<br />
I have to say, watching Mister Smarty Smarts move around while in a dress is incredibly strange. Since his legs are also his arms, the fairy queen's body soon devolves into a shapeless lump when he performs certain gestures like sipping away on a wine glass. And yet no one questions it. I guess Keep Away Isle fairies are a strange, frightening breed. And now I wonder if they too are also allergic to iron. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizIqwDWAxAZMn2D6wY5opDAKKvGSgcNKVG141dxtgYmr_GB5P1q2yl4OJ7Zwxs_ZFJmEovqixPApQ4kCDFcNR3GjBZqcfjhKGxlLQZHg6cWCY4mTuFTefRVKtrEwhcSwbcVD9gkzZ-Fgk/s1600/splicedfairlyodd13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizIqwDWAxAZMn2D6wY5opDAKKvGSgcNKVG141dxtgYmr_GB5P1q2yl4OJ7Zwxs_ZFJmEovqixPApQ4kCDFcNR3GjBZqcfjhKGxlLQZHg6cWCY4mTuFTefRVKtrEwhcSwbcVD9gkzZ-Fgk/s320/splicedfairlyodd13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I am very confident in my heterosexuality."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As for Magicbutt and Glitterwings (if these names don't turn up in an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, I'm going to be severely disappointed), they need to help her royal majesty with different pieces of fairy equipment. First we see Peri building Smartana's Fairy Orbiting Laser Satellite. Because, according to the Fairy Queen, if you slap the adjective "fairy" onto something, that means it's a fairy object.<br />
<br />
And it took me a while to realize what the joke here was. At first I thought that Peri was just fine-tuning the laser satellite, but it turns out Peri was able to <b>build</b> that thing all by himself in an incredibly short amount of time. Suddenly my mind goes back to the previous episode I talked about, where this character was trying to figure out the reason why he's made, and sure enough, the answer's right here. Peri was probably meant to be that mad scientist's lackey, constantly building his gadgets for his world domination attempts. Oh, the cruel, unforgiving irony; like the finest Greek tragedy, Peri remains unaware of his true talents.<br />
<br />
Also, does Princess Pony Apehands happen to have satellite parts just lying around her house? That monkey's badass!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbP40gsY71I9Qad_ixJvBRn_nE7UmXa94zXYBUv9dY54lVL8v62nov8-CmoJlt-TsWQCIl20IQm_H6l6NEluD7aKWNYbR81e4pdrEnw9ppB0suBSMmHezh5_cyrHGOy-J4hhSI0pcMgxA/s1600/splicedfairlyodd14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbP40gsY71I9Qad_ixJvBRn_nE7UmXa94zXYBUv9dY54lVL8v62nov8-CmoJlt-TsWQCIl20IQm_H6l6NEluD7aKWNYbR81e4pdrEnw9ppB0suBSMmHezh5_cyrHGOy-J4hhSI0pcMgxA/s320/splicedfairlyodd14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It looks like all of your RAM slots are filled. I can try replacing the motherboard, but I won't make any promises."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While Peri is performing great feats of scientific engineering, Entrée is hard at work building the Fairy Queen's Fairy Supercomputer. <br />
<br />
Entrée doesn't get computers, obviously. Even though he's being animated by one.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3K0ja33S8JFpuQJEjB9Vi8YekR11-H79uAq-XuLDv4T9-8dc3CYQQzDRQhHXNpYxXI0p6fAuD03Ne8E6jKiOds4zgr19hKNOnBkoHZ6FkpwKCH4hmdxUoGKqjR863k662CH4bTdrsfWo/s1600/splicedfairlyodd15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3K0ja33S8JFpuQJEjB9Vi8YekR11-H79uAq-XuLDv4T9-8dc3CYQQzDRQhHXNpYxXI0p6fAuD03Ne8E6jKiOds4zgr19hKNOnBkoHZ6FkpwKCH4hmdxUoGKqjR863k662CH4bTdrsfWo/s320/splicedfairlyodd15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Well, you <i>did</i> say silicon..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Fortunately, Princess is slowly growing agitated by people walking all over her and starts getting pretty pissed at the superdemanding fairies. As she eloquently puts it, "Princess want see fairy magic!"<br />
<br />
This leads me to question the intelligence of this scheme that's being shared by Peri, Entrée, and Smarty Smarts. So what, they could provide the costumes and the glitter, and yet they couldn't think of a decent magic trick to placate the rampaging monkeybeast in case something like this happens? Geez, just a simple use of magnets or cards would probably be enough! If she can be fooled by a coconut bra and some wigs, then she can be fooled by simple ventriloquism or rope tricks. <br />
<br />
Also, isn't it sad how the intro labelled this as a Princess Pony Apehands cartoon and yet she's getting used like a doormat? This cartoon is hilariously cruel.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYlPnU8oDu7DPEzTOEQusggMlZU-0cgcbC8ohhlbg1UY_GZgg6lxq4KOjUJXu_DTtYYGKGQqqZgY-6VSc_wn5i4shHK6TzAlWQwlDt4gJouDHPBH0n2AxpbLEQC3HZlAhAAINLXFzT-H4/s1600/splicedfairlyodd16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYlPnU8oDu7DPEzTOEQusggMlZU-0cgcbC8ohhlbg1UY_GZgg6lxq4KOjUJXu_DTtYYGKGQqqZgY-6VSc_wn5i4shHK6TzAlWQwlDt4gJouDHPBH0n2AxpbLEQC3HZlAhAAINLXFzT-H4/s320/splicedfairlyodd16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hasbro made Princess Celestia's toy pink! RAAARGH!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Instead of, oh I don't know, performing some sort of fake magic trick so that his spine doesn't get ripped out by an irate mutant, Sparklekins has a new task for Princess before she can see any magic. She "merely" needs to squeeze coal into diamonds. <br />
<br />
...if you know anything about how diamonds are made, this becomes unquestionably frightening and, if anything, makes Peri, Entrée, and Smarty Smarts even <b>bigger</b> idiots. Princess Pony Apehands can honest to god <b><i>squeeze coal into diamonds</i></b> (which means that if she used that same amount of force on, say, people that were lying to her, they would most assuredly die) and yet they're <i>still</i> continuing to treat her like crap. I sure hope they left a last will and testament prior to going to her house.<br />
<br />
And the expressions in this show are super amazing. Just look at Smarty Smarts there. He looks like, if he could, he would grab your soul with his bare hands and goddamn end your existence right then and there.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgjtZjFScxWxaAMNk3RTNkk8TR6-vavtwTSkzZgoavZiV3fA2FvXeLxGhyphenhyphengpz0PKyWi3WD8it4Q8H3wgh_3S0L9l1ZTU1wYTzTiV6dVra0Gs13BcGUnTMTKs2KijU2218mQjLUg7UZYIs/s1600/splicedfairlyodd17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgjtZjFScxWxaAMNk3RTNkk8TR6-vavtwTSkzZgoavZiV3fA2FvXeLxGhyphenhyphengpz0PKyWi3WD8it4Q8H3wgh_3S0L9l1ZTU1wYTzTiV6dVra0Gs13BcGUnTMTKs2KijU2218mQjLUg7UZYIs/s320/splicedfairlyodd17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Gylf0y-07AY0trrjDw6EQNj2hs0-53f3aJlENEQENEpO9wRfu3I47NXe1-K08WrsnuGUVOM6q-TGnuHgI6ZZvjHeNSu-uduBYkctrfni18wtbB4zHBjX1XKECI5P-JR5cJKo9fZOpyo/s1600/splicedfairlyodd18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Gylf0y-07AY0trrjDw6EQNj2hs0-53f3aJlENEQENEpO9wRfu3I47NXe1-K08WrsnuGUVOM6q-TGnuHgI6ZZvjHeNSu-uduBYkctrfni18wtbB4zHBjX1XKECI5P-JR5cJKo9fZOpyo/s320/splicedfairlyodd18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The coal will BURN YOU."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Princess want see fairy magic though!<br />
<br />
To make what is already a bad situation even worse, I just want to take the time and point out the backgrounds of Princess Pony Apehands' house. I like how the cutesy heart wallpaper is juxtaposed with animalistic rips and dirty monkey hand prints. It sort of reminds me of what The Beast's West Wing from Disney's award-winning classic would look if The Beast was a six year old girl. <br />
<br />
Incidentally, Smarty Smarts was able to produce a very sizable pile of coal for the giant primate to squish into diamonds. Does that mean that Keep Away Isle has a gigantic coal mine somewhere? Now I'm curious as to whether the coal factored into one of the crazy mad scientist's evil schemes before he got arrested.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgby7bkIEgkFyBU-lb_uAbyp-DANqpMHMjZbOsMkH1rJJD2IKXQfBAOvyZO-x4ipVkLuBscVS-GpH7C2SiPMBOU2-uaUQSsOojdM3aAW6ekFEv4rGMxSGZahMQ-q4gDbqWcfLzGPJ1D-no/s1600/splicedfairlyodd20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgby7bkIEgkFyBU-lb_uAbyp-DANqpMHMjZbOsMkH1rJJD2IKXQfBAOvyZO-x4ipVkLuBscVS-GpH7C2SiPMBOU2-uaUQSsOojdM3aAW6ekFEv4rGMxSGZahMQ-q4gDbqWcfLzGPJ1D-no/s320/splicedfairlyodd20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Rainbow Dash is best pony! Rarity sucks!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: black;"> </span>So the three fairies, slowly realizing that they're inches away from having their jerkasses killed, have an argument over who's going to perform some goddamn fairy magic. And, slowly but surely, Mr. Smarty Smarts quickly escalates himself as "Favorite Spliced Character" pretty quickly in my mind just because his expressions keep deepening in severity while he's talking to other two. He doesn't just shout "Do some fairy magic!" at them; he has to also look like he's inches away from driving a hammer into their skulls as well. <br />
<br />
I want you to look at these faces. Study them, examine them in a lab even. If you can gaze upon these hideous visages and still say that this cartoon looks terrible because it was done in Flash, then I have nothing more to say to you. You're obviously dead inside.<br />
<br />
And is it just me, or is Smarty Smarts' hair a reference to The Flintstones?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLMPnAGFrrTFn41PZv07yrEB4mnUA-XkCbn8r4Hz1RnN-lgeyRXDwBvt7pR5KW_WilNdkiJxsZM9KO-AvK-hY7R3T1jt3rEmMlmLPkScy_auu3XKpdxIePVv8AuBTudpIhmcUANFvZjR8/s1600/splicedfairlyodd19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLMPnAGFrrTFn41PZv07yrEB4mnUA-XkCbn8r4Hz1RnN-lgeyRXDwBvt7pR5KW_WilNdkiJxsZM9KO-AvK-hY7R3T1jt3rEmMlmLPkScy_auu3XKpdxIePVv8AuBTudpIhmcUANFvZjR8/s320/splicedfairlyodd19.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhXLJ7k1nblmqWk3B98yy7iT0hVe1OZCvXTTdAK3R5ZK-Qet4EbHpNLdikts9Yz8x2BHnNFuDQbSgwG1CRO0trEY-mvmj-H9rAM8d2kvFOHOiUdbg0UWv5ZFW19I_mJ4miEMi4G7512uY/s1600/splicedfairlyodd21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhXLJ7k1nblmqWk3B98yy7iT0hVe1OZCvXTTdAK3R5ZK-Qet4EbHpNLdikts9Yz8x2BHnNFuDQbSgwG1CRO0trEY-mvmj-H9rAM8d2kvFOHOiUdbg0UWv5ZFW19I_mJ4miEMi4G7512uY/s320/splicedfairlyodd21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Smarty Smarts has a lot of feelings. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>That's when Peri somehow realizes that he's not the fairy queen (probably because he realizes, oh hey, fairies don't usually have satellites); he's Mister Smarty Smarts! So both he and Entrée decide to strip him and reveal him to be the massive liar that he is.<br />
<br />
...yes, at one point in this cartoon, forceful stripping becomes a plot device. What a magical, mythical episode this is.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1wpF6rKW_CmpGGoMwgszuIEfKp_beRGji0C4DcpG4HzzdFCI_-W3SeeAwB6Gb_K_-0X8_fDjuCNAjmL8AP5-KMPC1gfg4vHRtV1ziXW3W-5J1RbLMozv_xixVYINJcDWA_hyIL-VOtLg/s1600/splicedfairlyodd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1wpF6rKW_CmpGGoMwgszuIEfKp_beRGji0C4DcpG4HzzdFCI_-W3SeeAwB6Gb_K_-0X8_fDjuCNAjmL8AP5-KMPC1gfg4vHRtV1ziXW3W-5J1RbLMozv_xixVYINJcDWA_hyIL-VOtLg/s320/splicedfairlyodd.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is hot.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, right after that happens, Smarty Smarts strips them of their fairy disguises too, just to get back at them! Ha, cinematic retribution!<br />
<br />
Anyone with a brain can see just how bad of an idea this is. Oh, these poor naive fools.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ5fIf0VchZ37kNt0SiNe9UH7J5rXlEagTTTHE9Gg2_2SVHd5zJAN3kpRlckIdNv72m-pDpjOkWOyvdOLnCJRrVqmfcnMsFJY_krvpHTjpv2Lk4q_fK5zrAc9DXYn0r0UKzZ0BslWBUPc/s1600/splicedfairlyodd1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ5fIf0VchZ37kNt0SiNe9UH7J5rXlEagTTTHE9Gg2_2SVHd5zJAN3kpRlckIdNv72m-pDpjOkWOyvdOLnCJRrVqmfcnMsFJY_krvpHTjpv2Lk4q_fK5zrAc9DXYn0r0UKzZ0BslWBUPc/s320/splicedfairlyodd1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This blog post has been brought to you by the color pink.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>There's just one teensy weensy problem to their reveal.<br />
<br />
And when I say teensy weensy, I mean "there's a really scary ape monster able to make diamonds with her fists that they've been lying to for practically this entire episode". <br />
<br />
The saddest part of this though has to be the fact that, after all the crap they've done to her, instead of feeling pity for three people who are about to turn into three bloody splatters on Princess's knuckles, I was cheering her on. It's been pretty clearly established that they deserve this.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh50t3sw_NZRtMYJ01OhAxwHaxT5vAczyf4g-7ch6qnUnLcdXdrSzS2Sptlc7gySIwYh6gZ_RHoliecylcRPSK9jpEKzzknNIuu4pbq8j0RZ5Ht1etq7EKDjDTmflt8Xso8QzsgcSihj2c/s1600/splicedfairlyodd2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh50t3sw_NZRtMYJ01OhAxwHaxT5vAczyf4g-7ch6qnUnLcdXdrSzS2Sptlc7gySIwYh6gZ_RHoliecylcRPSK9jpEKzzknNIuu4pbq8j0RZ5Ht1etq7EKDjDTmflt8Xso8QzsgcSihj2c/s320/splicedfairlyodd2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then they all died.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But, instead of killing them, Princess Pony Apehands takes the civilized route and merely roughs them up a bit before throwing their useless carcasses out of her home. And I bet, after she did that, she cried herself to sleep because all of her hopes and dreams about fairy magic have been hopelessly crushed underneath the sharp heels of reality. See what you did, Entrée? <i>Who's the real monster here?</i><br />
<br />
And, even as a great allusion to that crazy nutcase we saw in the beginning of the episode, they even land next to Fuzzy Snuggums the coconut lover. Strangely, this time around, he doesn't have any of his creepy hairy pals with him. I'm guessing some horrible sacrifice to his pagan god occurred off-screen. <br />
<br />
Not sure where he got the extra armchair though. I guess the mad scientist responsible for these aberrations also collected purple furniture in his spare time.<br />
<br />
...and, oh my god. He saw Peri and Entrée narrowly avoid death with his lethal chair catapult of doom and yet he's<i> still</i> going to try it again? What the hell, Fuzzy?! You're a danger to yourself and others!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizaUYR8vdxI-OeIvye22v7RrSCoGTrSxsk_g208LyVgYOtISKpS3w_PVAoXG91sYreC-XJncZuZEqKkkYaYM2rDcTHSjRbdH5ay7ZN7XKNE186-iIOvLdm3M4QeWdAldXtjvcwqsbWmkM/s1600/splicedfairlyodd3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizaUYR8vdxI-OeIvye22v7RrSCoGTrSxsk_g208LyVgYOtISKpS3w_PVAoXG91sYreC-XJncZuZEqKkkYaYM2rDcTHSjRbdH5ay7ZN7XKNE186-iIOvLdm3M4QeWdAldXtjvcwqsbWmkM/s320/splicedfairlyodd3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Okay, it's clear my medication is <i>not</i> working."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Just to end the episode in a satisfying arc, Entrée even sits on the chair again and once again is shot into the stratosphere.<br />
<br />
...but I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to instead focus on how disturbing Entrée's locomotion is. Oh my god, Entrée walking is such a surreal experience. It's hard to portray this with mere stills, but he doesn't so much walk as have his many nipples drag him across the ground. Picture a caterpillar, only instead of legs, it's teats. Maybe the real reason they didn't have this on any of the major channels is because this blatant display of mammary glands was considered filthy and not fit to be shown to younger audiences.<br />
<br />
And, I hate to bring this up since it'll probably gross all of my viewers out, but I wonder if Entrée can also lactate. Had to ask, what with the udder and all.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkq6Y8GoMyCMJv57qQVYRdZ35DeKIDO7g3uOH1fbsUiKUn7m9xgkfMeYxhHLG74lH2fAA3TRauwm2IuxUY6x7S1k49Hh_WtoCjfGdB-VmM-hR8Opt3J4PgEnFpIfULAFYZl9b54E_sU-Q/s1600/splicedfairlyodd4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkq6Y8GoMyCMJv57qQVYRdZ35DeKIDO7g3uOH1fbsUiKUn7m9xgkfMeYxhHLG74lH2fAA3TRauwm2IuxUY6x7S1k49Hh_WtoCjfGdB-VmM-hR8Opt3J4PgEnFpIfULAFYZl9b54E_sU-Q/s320/splicedfairlyodd4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIc67HMCjaJP43t5QKH1T18Z1iL-naYxVNphW6hh6E_qVjNGpHoqMM-9q7mSCmOO4U572kyCMAXDIiPvsd5_VHVplvXI6EieBpxEGy8YC5EQkWJrYFj3X-b6yRWZ_m4wsUbDBVnQUBfFQ/s1600/splicedfairlyodd5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIc67HMCjaJP43t5QKH1T18Z1iL-naYxVNphW6hh6E_qVjNGpHoqMM-9q7mSCmOO4U572kyCMAXDIiPvsd5_VHVplvXI6EieBpxEGy8YC5EQkWJrYFj3X-b6yRWZ_m4wsUbDBVnQUBfFQ/s320/splicedfairlyodd5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fuzzy is aware of how strange this looks, and for that, he apologizes.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With the sight of a mutant designed entirely for consumption flying majestically through the air to his violent doom and Mister Smarty Smarts making a chicken joke that was also said at the very beginning of this episode segment (at one point, Entrée says that chickens live underwater; don't question it), we bid Spliced farewell and let the soft tingle of fairy magic cleanse our souls.<br />
<br />
...I sure hope Princess Pony Apehands got rid of that laser satellite sitting in her house.</div></div><br />
<br />
<hr /><span style="color: black;"><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Crossdressing should not be used for evil. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
<u>The Good</u><br />
*The animation is actually really good for a Flash cartoon. I don't know how many pictures of Smarty Smarts I have to post before this can become apparent of course, but just take my word for it. <br />
*The characters are very likeable. </span>Entrée, while does exhibit some Patrick-ish tendencies, is different enough from that character to be fun to watch. Smarty Smarts is always a joy to behold, and I even found myself liking Princess Pony Apehands.<br />
<span style="color: black;"> *The pacing was really good. I can't emphasize this enough, but one of the things that makes cartoons good or bad is whether or not scenes go by too fast or too slow. Nothing dragged here, and it felt like they knew about how much time they had in advance and made a simple enough plot to go with that.<br />
*The humor. While some jokes fell flat (there were some predictable jokes here and there), I did honestly get a kick out of the humor. I found this funny.<br />
*Smarty Smarts' facial expressions. Best damn thing in this entire episode, hand's down.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Bad</u><br />
*</span><span style="color: black;">It was only 11 minutes long.<br />
*Not enough people know this show exists.<br />
*Okay, okay, fine. A legitimate complaint. The plot is kind of predictable.<br />
*The color palette kind of stayed the same for most of the episode. That was an awful shade of purple they used.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Final Decision</u><br />
As you can probably tell, I really like this show and I really like this episode. This is one of those "irrelevant humor" shows that I actually find myself enjoying. Peri and </span>Entrée are believable as friends, and it's loads of fun seeing what wacky adventures they get themselves into. It's such a shame that this show never really had a chance, and unless the show started to get really bad in the later season, I can only dream of what could've been had this show had taken off and been as popular as Adventure Time or Foster's Home. <br />
<br />
Clap your hands if you believe in mutants!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-74550975643867537702012-02-19T22:29:00.005-08:002012-05-14T10:20:22.971-07:00Loonatics Unleashed - Cape DuckWhile driving my Rolls Royce through the suburbs of Beverly Hills and sipping the finest aged champagne from a wine glass made entirely out of diamonds (disclaimer: the following may be slightly exaggerated), I thought to myself "How most unorthodox, I haven't talked about Loonatics Unleashed in a while" and I kindly ordered my butler to fetch me my blog writing tuxedo. So here I am. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, at least it's not Baby Looney Tunes...</td></tr>
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Fans of the show will note that this episode isn't at all within the same season as the previous two episodes ("<a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/08/loonatics-unleashed-going-underground.html">Going Underground</a>" and "<a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/09/loonatics-unleashed-world-is-my-circus.html">The World Is My Circus</a>") I've done. I'm not one to do shows in order, but even then, this is quite a big jump to go from some of the first episodes all the way to episode 19 out of a 26-episode series. <br />
<br />
That's why I'm going to be honest here and say that I chose this episode entirely based off my own self-interest because it's an episode that effectively talks about three major beefs I have with this show. Despite the fact that the two episodes I've done honestly weren't the horrible steaming piles of excrement the Internet made this show out to be (but then again, this is coming from someone who can deprive enjoyment out of such classics as Street Sharks and Creepy Crawlers; I doubt anyone takes me seriously anymore), three things still lingered on my mind. <br />
<br />
One, Danger Duck was largely devoted to comic relief in my episodes and he seemed to only exist to be continually crapped on by his fellow team members for being a total screw-up in everything he does. Two, Tech E. Coyote's inventions and how they just instantly saved the day in both episodes I did just bugged the hell out of me and I wanted to see an episode where his inventions actually do the opposite and cause something bad to happen.<br />
<br />
Finally, I had to know what happened with Dr. Dare, the main villain of Going Underground. You know, the dumpy, bald little dweeb who loves rocks and the color green? That guy.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KW8L47ZuspQ/TlH8n70ZEmI/AAAAAAAAA4g/xWWGZN9vptc/s1600/loonatics41.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KW8L47ZuspQ/TlH8n70ZEmI/AAAAAAAAA4g/xWWGZN9vptc/s320/loonatics41.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I blame the fact that Simon Templeman did his voice, personally. That man can do no wrong.</td></tr>
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Luckily, there exists an episode that tries to answer all of these questions and more. And trust me, the way it handles all three of these questions is nothing short of unique. Dr. Dare returns, but it's not handled in the way you would expect (and before you ask if they actually explore some of this character's backstory by giving him heavily severe mental disorders from the sudden transformation caused by the meteor and later, his years of isolation...no, they don't) and in a way that may surprise you. Tech screws up, but not in the way you would expect. It's a smorgasboard of shattered expectations and makes for quite the delightful viewing experience if you're into coyotes wearing skintight leather clothing and Danger Duck gloating how awesome he is for an entire freaking episode. <br />
<br />
Therefore, I doubt anyone's gonna mind if I talk about a Season 2 episode. And so, with an episode name that involves "Ducks" (invoking Disney Afternoon flashbacks), I bring you... <br />
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<b>Cape Duck</b><br />
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<b><br />
Airdate:</b> December 15, 2006</div>
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<b>Availability: </b><span style="color: green;">On DVD<br />
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Before I talk about an episode that's obviously going to be Danger Duck-filled judging by the episode name, I might as well address the elephant in the room and mention the intro change this cartoon had. Somehow, Warner Bros. Animation, who employ people who breathe the same air as you and I, decided to mess with an intro with a great guitar solo and vocals to...I have no idea what the hell the second intro is trying to do, other than to drive me to suicide before the cartoon even starts. Oh sure, the animation is a lot nicer in this intro (as in, it actually <i>has</i> animation instead of just official Loonatics Unleashed clip art floating next to superpower descriptions), but the vocals in it are so goddamn painful that you're better off just muting your TV for a minute instead of subjecting yourself to the same torture I did. <br />
<br />
To sum this brief descent into insanity in one sentence, the plant from Little Shop of Horrors starts doing freestyle rap about the Loonatics' various powers while people in the background try to imitate the vaguely Japanese-ish feel to the Teen Titans intro and trust me, it's even worse than it sounds. I can't really explain the Season 2 intro's atrocities with mere text, because no thesaurus exists that contains that many synonyms for the words "suck" and "fail". For crying out loud, one of the lyrics is "activate, regenerate, magnetic powers levitate" for Tech E. Coyote. The very core of my being cries out for an exorcism now. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhatOLEbzeEXWUnyE0oIaQlRIoDO5Ibg40q-y4a_gjB4AkLEN93EB1Vs4VeywFCnigQmOMzdLDpwvP-m09MGd03LEeFQ8IAQDs0ZP3l5zjD56KcYJQu9GERT-ha88J_VnQuHQXit4HXVZw/s1600/LoonaticsUnleashed1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhatOLEbzeEXWUnyE0oIaQlRIoDO5Ibg40q-y4a_gjB4AkLEN93EB1Vs4VeywFCnigQmOMzdLDpwvP-m09MGd03LEeFQ8IAQDs0ZP3l5zjD56KcYJQu9GERT-ha88J_VnQuHQXit4HXVZw/s320/LoonaticsUnleashed1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Get it? Because they're like the Looney Tunes<span style="color: black;">!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: black;">But enough about an intro so bad that not even fans of the actual show can defend it, it's time to talk about the actual episode itself. It opens, as superhero cartoons like to do, with the main villain committing a crime and letting the audience know just what kind of threat we're dealing with here. In this episode's case, a giant hulk of a man is committing a jewelry robbery with his freakish extendable robot arms and legs, gets spotted by the cops who instantly recognize him as "</span>The Sagittarius Stomper",<span style="color: black;"> and, in order to escape from the cops, throws his bags of jewels at the cops (because <i>that's</i> smart, right?) and starts scaling a high-rise building. This prompts the police to call the Loonatics, because it'll be raining chaos soon. Got all that? <br />
<br />
</span>Now, before you start dissing this show and its use of really lame villain names, The Sagittarius Stomper is actually a very clever reference to The Shropshire Slasher, a villain from a 1956 Warner Bros. Looney Tunes short called "Deduce, You Say!". The Shropshire Slasher is not a character that appears in merchandise by any means, which can mean only one disturbing, mind-blowing thing; Loonatics Unleashed actually made a smart allusion to their source material. Holy crap. All it took them was nearly two seasons.<br />
<br />
And I'm not sure why it'd be "raining chaos" just because some thug with bionic limbs climbed to the top of a building. He can obviously do some damage, but this is the same city that got sucked completely underground by a scientist who can control the very earth itself. They should be relieved that this threat merely has robot limbs and can only destroy one building at a time instead of <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x-moCEs8W6s/TkynFJMGLhI/AAAAAAAAAzA/cM8BnyCoXqk/s1600/loonatic6.jpg">the insane rockman who pulverized all of Chinatown</a>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVHMTUtpDOzHhpoFaoLELTq66BDOK430lyfdHQ2CJ0MzfGSD1S8P-vCCslEji8HF90dAOIaunb0h-f4vklg_7tm70YQAHcfR73bUhrnpBejMWDnxHFuOYWrxkV9sAzYSzeIXNbVDkB9lQ/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVHMTUtpDOzHhpoFaoLELTq66BDOK430lyfdHQ2CJ0MzfGSD1S8P-vCCslEji8HF90dAOIaunb0h-f4vklg_7tm70YQAHcfR73bUhrnpBejMWDnxHFuOYWrxkV9sAzYSzeIXNbVDkB9lQ/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Elevators are too mainstream."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: black;"> So the Loonatics arrive and...try to reason with the frightening manmountain with a megaphone first. Huh. Did not see this coming.<br />
<br />
While I do admire them for trying </span><span style="color: black;">peaceful, nonviolent tactics first,</span><span style="color: black;"> the Stomper had just chucked a bag full of gold at a police officer (and considering how full that bag was, it probably killed that person off-screen) and then started climbing a building just so he can start breaking off and throwing random pieces of said building at the city below. I doubt you can convince him to surrender himself peacefully to authorities.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibxIlbuf9z3ebhC6vgnSMHFYGflGR98FMT5PoA1-hw5OiawqjW7tcB3LKvu4Iu42e34FPxip8UznPIl9A8ZXVvhzNNME-xFsCjdIo1yxmmSplx6Hh1lFfXUcde09rO9OXfayy5qo9Jmgc/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibxIlbuf9z3ebhC6vgnSMHFYGflGR98FMT5PoA1-hw5OiawqjW7tcB3LKvu4Iu42e34FPxip8UznPIl9A8ZXVvhzNNME-xFsCjdIo1yxmmSplx6Hh1lFfXUcde09rO9OXfayy5qo9Jmgc/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It's gonna be okay, Saggitarius! Just come down! I understand what you're going through <br />
but there are people down here who care about you!"</td></tr>
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<span style="color: black;">Since that didn't work, it's time for Tech E. Coyote to work his magic. His invention for the day is the Atomic Phase Departiculator, aka "Laser Gun With Unwieldy Name That Supposed to Sound Science-y But Just Comes Off as Pretentious". According to the giant talking vermin, it can phase-shift solids to liquids and liquids to gas. This is one of those inventions that you really shouldn't overthink, because it quickly goes from impressive to horrifying once you apply chemistry to it. If you've stepped into any Physical Science class at all in your life, you're probably aware of the term "melting points", which should say all you need to know as to why I'm now staring at my screen in pure, dumbstruck horror. <br />
<br />
Also, well, it's just plain implausible, because it's shooting a laser causes a substance to melt or boil, which can be anything from extremely hot to extremely cold or anywhere in between. Really, I can write a college thesis on why this machine could not exist, but I'll just sum it up in one sentence: <i>This machine should not exist.</i> This is making me miss the goo blaster gun. At least I could sort of buy the science behind that. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIye8ggXj7ywzG26y6A1bfLY2FLooc0EwPHr2IQkAc9uijoboL-_ErM8JE0-4oI78ZP9aSlaY_g3Pacx8pycaDB_tQlS-GIK2o1KgUkA1GDj2oWxrvRilvhQ09jnupdcM0P2W6ZJB0Wzk/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIye8ggXj7ywzG26y6A1bfLY2FLooc0EwPHr2IQkAc9uijoboL-_ErM8JE0-4oI78ZP9aSlaY_g3Pacx8pycaDB_tQlS-GIK2o1KgUkA1GDj2oWxrvRilvhQ09jnupdcM0P2W6ZJB0Wzk/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I can invent glorious contraptions that warp the very fabric of space itself and yet I choose to <br />
play second fiddle to a rabbit with a bad Brooklyn accent. What am I doing with my life."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: black;">But instead of Danger Duck going "So, what would happen if that invention hit a human being, Tech? Would that person melt?" or wondering why the hell his coworker would bring what is essentially a very lethal weapon to a battle they can more or less win (let's see anybody survive being turned completely into liquid), the cartoon decides to take the safer route and instead have the waterfowl make a fart joke. Stay classy, Loonatics Unleashed.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNJvrbinQ3IJO4emX0foCOdyLL_lmLtUV67m8iQRR8NfvnMh5yOFQ-LPRDQkKoejTIFSq-f7WSlS7tgA63QmdteMFr2bBA7mJ9wVJt9hoHcoL6hGNZ2Zq7mTYh3XwR8eFQqxYE3UCRpWk/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNJvrbinQ3IJO4emX0foCOdyLL_lmLtUV67m8iQRR8NfvnMh5yOFQ-LPRDQkKoejTIFSq-f7WSlS7tgA63QmdteMFr2bBA7mJ9wVJt9hoHcoL6hGNZ2Zq7mTYh3XwR8eFQqxYE3UCRpWk/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I keep desperately trying to fill the void inside of me with food."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">So the plan is of course to use the very terrifying piece of machinery to melt a piece of the building The Saggitarius Stomper is standing on top of so that he falls over thirty stories, somehow survives the fall, and is later captured by the police. A plan that unsafe and dangerous is <b>bound </b>to work, right? <br />
<br />
As you might expect from the way I phrased that last sentence, it so does not work. Instead, thanks to Danger Duck's powers of teleportation being about as well-coordinated as a WoW Mage's Blink spell, the quacker actually accidentally knocks the </span><span style="color: black;">Atomic Phase Departiculator out of Tech E. Coyote's hands and it's starts firing lasers all over the place. Well, we're screwed. I wonder how many people Tech E. Coyote reduced to nuclear piles of liquid complex molecules with his invention.</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH_MLlZNNkFFhRZty6ji53yQguBRd-xBtzC_BvaYeomoEYytfXKN43v2wjaiqDt2HD1szOvtAxd0CerbdhM4k4WRFci-iuuXgAuLg0fx78LyGOqXibz2UG3WDr1xi7bCBPmXOmGvlqQUA/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH_MLlZNNkFFhRZty6ji53yQguBRd-xBtzC_BvaYeomoEYytfXKN43v2wjaiqDt2HD1szOvtAxd0CerbdhM4k4WRFci-iuuXgAuLg0fx78LyGOqXibz2UG3WDr1xi7bCBPmXOmGvlqQUA/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like how Tech E. Coyote can design a laser that can turn any solid into a liquid and yet he can't <br />
build weapons with decent safety procedures to prevent this sort of thing from happening.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Then my horror subsides a bit once I see the <span style="color: black;">Atomic Phase Departiculator in action and see that it's merely incredibly, utterly implausible in its execution. It doesn't <i>really</i> turn solids into liquids, therefore killing people with what is essentially spontaneous magma; it actually "just" turns solids into water. </span>Nice to know Tech E. Coyote likes to completely and utterly bend the laws of nature in his spare time. In order to turn, say, a car, into water, you'd need to break apart the atoms of the complex molecules that car is made of (from the pistons to the gas still sitting in the tank to the engine to the plastic in the seats...), make them hydrogen and oxygen, and recombine that in the correct molar ratio to make water while ending up decaying isotopes and a crapload of radiation.<br />
<br />
And yes, I know I shouldn't keep griping about this one single, solitary plot point in a cartoon that has giant talking animals gain superpowers from a meteor, but you have to understand my frustration. At least with gadgets like <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OsLxBrESOYs/Tm-hV8sFXOI/AAAAAAAABSw/0g72RZov3Js/s1600/loonaticscircus19.jpg">the Gluco-Gel 9000</a>, you can just write it off as "science fiction" and go home.<br />
<br />
By the way, if Tech can invent a laser that can turn anything into water, then surely he can invent a laser that can turn anything into gold, solving any problems the Loonatics might have with finances. I'm just thinking outside the box here. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuNBRPKYjKUHolbEx1nxj_MMhaHhOLHK4_-GtriRnZh6WlSeI445Wn05fVJSF_YklHre0hrAD2xNLkFFc8sStcvfblMjfOp5ms3MkuXgjHAdMcY_Bq_3zKXHgKp7OVDxshggf9dz40shk/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuNBRPKYjKUHolbEx1nxj_MMhaHhOLHK4_-GtriRnZh6WlSeI445Wn05fVJSF_YklHre0hrAD2xNLkFFc8sStcvfblMjfOp5ms3MkuXgjHAdMcY_Bq_3zKXHgKp7OVDxshggf9dz40shk/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxTlmJpGCFV-sU03nAaPbFfjhAptD9g6tvAYDA3tTbSufd4QBDdnHXhuWJXSwEHvgbzOJO0A8n_jOAvtciJTRs7bYBTbDr73ipf-gKPH4noc7z7omNVmc3_fOq78HT6HYCHdPmv-PSvmg/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxTlmJpGCFV-sU03nAaPbFfjhAptD9g6tvAYDA3tTbSufd4QBDdnHXhuWJXSwEHvgbzOJO0A8n_jOAvtciJTRs7bYBTbDr73ipf-gKPH4noc7z7omNVmc3_fOq78HT6HYCHdPmv-PSvmg/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>How is this man still alive.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But really, as frustrating as it is, Tech's invention is really just a plot device to effectively explain why Dr. Dare, who is still at the park by the way (with a bench right in front of him, meaning he got to watch quite a few couples go to second base in front of him), is free and terrorizing the city again. Too bad this explanation only confuses and bewilders me, because the Dr. Dare statue got hit by a goddamn laser that turns solids into liquids and somehow this <i>didn't</i> kill him. Does this mean that he didn't turn into rock back in his original episode, but rather was encased by a delicious rock coating? <i>How the hell does this work?</i><br />
<br />
Really, based on what we know about Tech's invention, two things should've logically happened. Either Dr. Thaddius Dare (and I'm depressed that I remembered his first name) should've turned into a giant liquid puddle, ridding the world of his stout little presence forever, or he should've gotten seared to death by liquid rock falling on top of him. Although with the second scenario, he'd probably end up living through that. This is the same man who survived a meteor blast destroying half of his face and one of his arms. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA8b4r7SoKHSlzaKalYgNJ60669ZwJk1GfYsdKqgZ21sGo1LW7HAgtsbTcRdUkxegRvFy1hxpCVldPcoz6mT4n91fZrpXijNCKaE0-jSjU40uJ_J0L0i3UeTSH7gm5cJQgQKZpY70WAB8/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA8b4r7SoKHSlzaKalYgNJ60669ZwJk1GfYsdKqgZ21sGo1LW7HAgtsbTcRdUkxegRvFy1hxpCVldPcoz6mT4n91fZrpXijNCKaE0-jSjU40uJ_J0L0i3UeTSH7gm5cJQgQKZpY70WAB8/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU0FKo8cOhlK2_ZQ65pXcggGYVBiOB4bvs9RGzcly0puy7KRAroilUrOYDUQugdgPBW4zlUm47ElHXmVg-OlOh3nRxAkrAnTqLJrsS6ylIaaaP2-ToFDhkW3GncvMz2FdHGpCS0JIrHzc/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU0FKo8cOhlK2_ZQ65pXcggGYVBiOB4bvs9RGzcly0puy7KRAroilUrOYDUQugdgPBW4zlUm47ElHXmVg-OlOh3nRxAkrAnTqLJrsS6ylIaaaP2-ToFDhkW3GncvMz2FdHGpCS0JIrHzc/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That should wash away some of the chewed bubblegum and pigeon crap at least.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It only gets worse when you hear that Dr. Dare's reaction is "At last, I'm free!" instead of "Wait, what? What the hell just happened? Wasn't I just in my lair?" or something of that nature, because that answered one of the questions I had about the ending of Going Underground; Dr. Dare was aware while he was a rock statue. He was totally sitting there for at least a year, watching every godforsaken day pass on by without being able to do anything but think, feeling every bird turd, hearing every inane conversation from the people who sat near him, smelling every hobo that passed out drunk by his feet. Not even sleep could bring him respite; the only thing that he could do for satisfaction was think of revenge against the horrible little mutants that did this to him. <br />
<br />
...course, they never actually<i> do</i> anything with this and add to Dr. Dare's character by making him slightly more unhinged or something. For all intents and purposes, this is the exact same idiot they fought in his introductory episode. Dr. Dare's such a trooper if not even a little petrification can faze him.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmPJ1_NWB3NryTAjPLChHzY3oMbUZoGML7JUqEgaY5Jyku6_LuoCy7j_wLAKji4ZJfnKmjRj6L8aM5h4NW8E15jWr4b7OSwX8dFefUHr460I1ODuXJJtFTgCZNECXUvZvDWo2jJTFunfU/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmPJ1_NWB3NryTAjPLChHzY3oMbUZoGML7JUqEgaY5Jyku6_LuoCy7j_wLAKji4ZJfnKmjRj6L8aM5h4NW8E15jWr4b7OSwX8dFefUHr460I1ODuXJJtFTgCZNECXUvZvDWo2jJTFunfU/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"COOOBRAAAAAA!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Oddly, despite this very spectacular entrance, this is actually the last we see of Dr. Dare for the rest of this scene, because the focus shifts all the way back to <span style="color: black;">The Sagittarius Sillyname and we're lead to believe that</span> the Loonatics honest to god did not see Dr. Dare get freed from his prison. You gotta love how they have a superhero team with six members (one of them with <i>superhearing</i>) and yet not a single one saw the villain that nearly destroyed the entire city get released from his stony prison. For crying out loud, the statue was clearly close enough to get hit by Tech's laser! This is sloppy superheroism there, guys! <br />
<br />
In fairness to this cartoon, what we get instead is still pretty interesting, because that <span style="color: black;">Atomic Phase Departiculator that keeps making my head hurt honest to god <i>causes a huge explosion</i> (because that's safe, having a laser gun that can melt an entire goddamn city street) that sends Danger Duck flying. And, </span><span style="color: black;">through a series of odd and contrived coincidences</span>, <span style="color: black;">The Sagittarius Stomper crashes to the ground and it looks like the water bird </span>stopped the dangerous criminal all by himself. <br />
<span style="color: black;"><br />
Hmm, I bet this will somehow affect Danger Duck's ego, which happens to be his biggest character flaw and one of the main reasons this character is often used as comic relief in the show. Just a hunch. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmeWwomdejl0ugrDUUQbT5eaHtw0NmhhjW8aR3QdneyeQmxZMPF3zUj7-DQJNrCotTDTIPTZ7l_pJZPsR-lso6MRl_NgHIH0psZPxHAjVsRz0NrkwhJ_tn6xw02sypQnn618NgNT2oX2A/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmeWwomdejl0ugrDUUQbT5eaHtw0NmhhjW8aR3QdneyeQmxZMPF3zUj7-DQJNrCotTDTIPTZ7l_pJZPsR-lso6MRl_NgHIH0psZPxHAjVsRz0NrkwhJ_tn6xw02sypQnn618NgNT2oX2A/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-Tx9pQKRgvSg39OcCVznWA7XYR6SoqhqrRzmYWq2hw-EJ_wKoOiq9SK2fNAwig-Y24BTKqAUf7hdE6vxgpELCJJGF1Y8GJ65IVImj5dqQ66Km7prRNHy9c3SJ8CC27VHXJj_MjKEvfMM/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-Tx9pQKRgvSg39OcCVznWA7XYR6SoqhqrRzmYWq2hw-EJ_wKoOiq9SK2fNAwig-Y24BTKqAUf7hdE6vxgpELCJJGF1Y8GJ65IVImj5dqQ66Km7prRNHy9c3SJ8CC27VHXJj_MjKEvfMM/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The dauntless Danger Duck deftly defeats the demon's devious deviltry!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This gets the attention of Billy West the reporter (and it's extremely fitting to hear a character with Fry's voice in a show that takes place in the future) and wouldn't you know it, Danger Duck takes all of the credit and allows for the press to totally blow this out of proportion in his favor. Who would've guessed this would happen? I'm going to allow this anyways, because I grew up with egotistical, bragging ducks for my role models. Now, if I squint and use my imagination, I can pretend that this is an long-lost episode of Darkwing Duck. I can dream, can I?<br />
<br />
So, about that <span style="color: black;">Atomic Phase Departiculator that's supposedly still wildly firing liquifying lasers all over the place...<br />
</span> <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm1AQOfBzqDOjCLRKAOjqPCV9CyadgOWzCZVTSetDAcx3Ds6YZ7YuVnmPrcVCkYrYmMls7qVGecpyMCriniWtgOXqc2nJre7ANnq6YiG162divCFDbxNE3oCopp9IZOYBXXJzvre0g_m8/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm1AQOfBzqDOjCLRKAOjqPCV9CyadgOWzCZVTSetDAcx3Ds6YZ7YuVnmPrcVCkYrYmMls7qVGecpyMCriniWtgOXqc2nJre7ANnq6YiG162divCFDbxNE3oCopp9IZOYBXXJzvre0g_m8/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm totally waiting for this guy to turn into The Creeper.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After Danger has his ego stroked by strangers and he drinks the intoxicating alcohol of fame, an old lady with an odd, eye-devouring haircut totters up to the Loonatics and insists that the Stomper is really a good boy. Stealing bags of jewelry is just how he expresses himself! As you can probably guess, she happens to be his mother, and she's also another reference to "Deduce, You Say!". I can't help but wonder what happened to Stomper's dad now.<br />
<br />
I love how subtly unsettling this scene is, because she starts to show them pictures of Stomper right after he had his operation (which happened in his infancy), because it leads you to wonder just what the hell happened to that poor baby that caused cybernetic engineers to rebuild his arms and legs. I came up with at least twenty different scenarios in my head just from this scene alone, because I'm a horrible person.<br />
<br />
The painkillers they gave to that child were probably loaded with hormones too, judging by the body hair. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKRZX-FQeOqNUdH5iZtNvzKp1PG-lMq0yl-6O-q_1G9DtcvgHd0riPdwDJB-qp5yaHMP0Dp-eVc6zbu5E1p4sDsWhf4HLNdEtZDEuHQQ7sX-GIPtYGkX3bvX-AXk_6DRWXnBAlD1IiI3g/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKRZX-FQeOqNUdH5iZtNvzKp1PG-lMq0yl-6O-q_1G9DtcvgHd0riPdwDJB-qp5yaHMP0Dp-eVc6zbu5E1p4sDsWhf4HLNdEtZDEuHQQ7sX-GIPtYGkX3bvX-AXk_6DRWXnBAlD1IiI3g/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiufdSuKu_d-ZD8rxT3yUYAPkhn8vLYME3ajqyj3H52hahR51gWTr48w60oZQA2PmHBE2cIBSVVefwRVShpG-WoW9uieu5qAaZWIZnKlQxdFOPm77Y_ogEZ-YF61eqQiBdIECqiFYp7vzc/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiufdSuKu_d-ZD8rxT3yUYAPkhn8vLYME3ajqyj3H52hahR51gWTr48w60oZQA2PmHBE2cIBSVVefwRVShpG-WoW9uieu5qAaZWIZnKlQxdFOPm77Y_ogEZ-YF61eqQiBdIECqiFYp7vzc/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I never should've let my pit bull babysit."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So the policemen haul The Sagittarius Stomper away (...somehow, even though this man can destroy buildings), but the terrifying man with the vaguely British accent promises that he's going to "get the duck". How vague. Stomper, we're all adults here. You can say that you're going to use your metallic fists of death and destruction to brutally pulverize Danger Duck so badly that all of his organs will rupture and that they'll have to use DNA samples in order to properly identify his bloodied remains.<br />
<br />
...and somehow, this murder threat loses his punch when it happens right after we saw his baby pictures. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcX9WLjxztwnOhveSqGM1gE4Vsf1mjyPrJUiFW-dM0j8ocbGU9U1AlLVZ-gkJJ20VXmc4Gr5RYNcOhZOX1an3kqXp5519jQwqngQ5ZjZfA6oFYEjEkfM9WNx9_zOymBVS0Zh-areZ2XOM/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcX9WLjxztwnOhveSqGM1gE4Vsf1mjyPrJUiFW-dM0j8ocbGU9U1AlLVZ-gkJJ20VXmc4Gr5RYNcOhZOX1an3kqXp5519jQwqngQ5ZjZfA6oFYEjEkfM9WNx9_zOymBVS0Zh-areZ2XOM/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And to think, he used to be such a cute little baby.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But Danger Duck apparently isn't too worried by that threat, because our next scene (which happens after the godawful intro, and no, I'm not talking about it for a second time) is him giving an interview to an entire crowd of news reporters within the superhero headquarters. It's cute how they've taken down villains way more dangerous than The Sagittarius Stomper and yet it's <i>this</i> press conference we get to see. What, did no one have anything interesting to say about the time they saved an entire legion of children from those scary clowns with the Sonic DNA Scramblers?<br />
<br />
And you better believe fame went to Danger's head. For some reason, this small incident was the thing that made me notice that there's a large number of cartoons where the duck out of the group of talking animals is the most egotistical, selfish one. Donald, Darkwing, Daffy, Plucky, that one duck from PB and J Otter...this is a really bizarre stereotype. Are ducks just narcissistic in real life?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9pRqsS0O6nwRYVFfLAOhrdQbZnbVekO8VVljlMniJZKGTkD9b2obHc_F7awqHRbNs-ooaob4KhLvHJvKHo9QvewMNqoBctUeLH7025qNA8mfMo5xkO4AHBBws80qGT8pMK6G-_nzjlfQ/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9pRqsS0O6nwRYVFfLAOhrdQbZnbVekO8VVljlMniJZKGTkD9b2obHc_F7awqHRbNs-ooaob4KhLvHJvKHo9QvewMNqoBctUeLH7025qNA8mfMo5xkO4AHBBws80qGT8pMK6G-_nzjlfQ/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So, Danger Duck, what is your position on America's foreign trade policy?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Tech is pretty pissed by this, because it was <i>his</i> gizmo that <strike>nearly </strike><strike>killed everybody</strike> saved the day! Geez. If anything, he should be thankful that no one's suing him for the liquidification of their car and that, with Danger Duck in the spotlight, he'll get all the blame for the gross amount of property damage. Remember the melted street? That's bound to make commuting hard in Acmetropolis for the next couple of days.<br />
<br />
Also, if Tech wants credit for inventing the machine that took down the Stomper,<i> then why doesn't he just walk up to the podium and say so</i>? Seriously, this entire scene, the other Loonatics just stand there and look cross at Danger Duck while he spreads lies about them, when nothing's stopping them from walking up there themselves and telling <i>their</i> side of the story. Oh sure, Danger might pull the "you're just jealous" card, but it'd be way better than standing back and hoping that the conceited jerkass of the group is going to actually give credit where credit is due for once. <br />
<br />
In short, yes, Danger Duck is the root of the problem, but the Loonatics are in a way enabling his behavior by allowing this. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAXNCPqLWSsI3LvcPFn4Sp_PBcWlqcv__oMIL2y_psiFqGUPDzY_fy1rLODLU4JPufI1ddPNq1ntUYyavF6CUakmBv6qjH_tKWj8YOdbV5RXI4XnRmvtCSOaE-2laI5br6I954Pbp8qTw/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAXNCPqLWSsI3LvcPFn4Sp_PBcWlqcv__oMIL2y_psiFqGUPDzY_fy1rLODLU4JPufI1ddPNq1ntUYyavF6CUakmBv6qjH_tKWj8YOdbV5RXI4XnRmvtCSOaE-2laI5br6I954Pbp8qTw/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Don't make me invent a time machine and cause a very crippling accident to <br />
happen to you when you're a small child, Danger Duck! God help me, I'll do it!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But with that problem aside, I have to admit, this little press conference is actually, for the show it's in, pretty funny. This scene where <strike>Darkwing</strike> Danger Duck totally sells his fellow team members short while basking in his own glory and letting his mouth write checks his skills can't cash makes me smile like you wouldn't believe. I love any show where someone on a "team" basically just goes and craps on all of their friends for the sake of fame and fortune, even if I'm not sure what that says about me as a person. <br />
<br />
And according to Danger Duck, Ace drives him to the action, Lexi cheers him on, Rev blabbers on, Tech fixes up backed up toilets, and forget about Slam because he does nothing. I love how it never occurs to Danger Duck that his friends happen to have superpowers and he lives in the same building as them. I sure hope he likes drinking his coffee with urine in it for the next couple of days. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6QkvvWwvmn5ndAxR5JSpDRTT0nEolcd_IgVgneelK5Dx6M5AXM9nywHkW9vJrhJoJz5xHknYAmsuPjRmgdzd0wsQp7IQYnjetW4NsCvi1a5WwO4jQfC8JnU6VslwUt6DgFnxiFwMLg7g/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6QkvvWwvmn5ndAxR5JSpDRTT0nEolcd_IgVgneelK5Dx6M5AXM9nywHkW9vJrhJoJz5xHknYAmsuPjRmgdzd0wsQp7IQYnjetW4NsCvi1a5WwO4jQfC8JnU6VslwUt6DgFnxiFwMLg7g/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I am on a drug. It's called Danger Duck. It's not available because if you try it, you will die. <br />
Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But there's a small hitch to his ill-gotten glory. Turns out Mr. Hyde has consistently broken out of every jail he's been in (so what, do the prison wardens in Acmetropolis <i>not</i> take into account the fact that The Sagittarius Stomper has hideously strong cybernetic arms when putting him in his cell?) and he's always killed the person who put them there. Who saw this coming?<br />
<br />
Of course, like any sane person would do, Danger Duck freaks out over this news. This is supposed to make him look like a coward, but having a fear of psychotic murderers that can escape any prison and have killed people like you is a pretty valid fear to have. It only gets worse when said murderer also has giant steel fists of skull-crushing doom. I bet Danger Duck wishes Acmetropolis practiced capital punishment right about now. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmtG9egkmiYDQtjZAUY8WooOBlqlrG__-4YXvQtTvkX1v4jFEwA2V53lVtHOzZdh5pFENiL0q8xOzmIPpkv_ZlfD4Iz3L4WzMSkF-z95ZjPUUD4H0CLDW9YUHAMvjc4Q_EeKR1e9JIJLM/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmtG9egkmiYDQtjZAUY8WooOBlqlrG__-4YXvQtTvkX1v4jFEwA2V53lVtHOzZdh5pFENiL0q8xOzmIPpkv_ZlfD4Iz3L4WzMSkF-z95ZjPUUD4H0CLDW9YUHAMvjc4Q_EeKR1e9JIJLM/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'd like to issue an apology from Warner Bros. for the existence of Space Jam. It seemed like a good idea at the time."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Oh, and in case you were feeling sorry for Danger Duck's friends for what he's said about them to the press, they actually <i>smile</i> when Danger Duck starts losing his composure in front of national television. They're not at all worried that Danger Duck might get killed; they just figure he deserves it or that they can just replace him with a Marc Antony descendant or something. <br />
<br />
Well, <i>that</i> seems kind of harsh. Look, Loonatics, I know your friend's kind of turned into an asshole (although how this is different from Danger Duck in any of the other episodes is yet to be seen) but it seems a bit cruel to be wishing death on him. How is this reinforcing the lesson on teamwork that's been crammed down my throat while I was watching several of your episodes?<br />
<br />
Although I can look on the bright side. The fact that these characters are being huge jerks to each other is actually more fitting to the Looney Tunes name than the whole "working together" thing. Remember, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck were perfectly willing to set booby traps out just so the the bald, mentally challenged hunter would shoot the other person. A little comedic sociopathy never hurt anybody.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglzhMhyxj6WmW1iloyh_-LLpAEqFJ9XBMYSrOsgMP2bkrO4aDaVIwh7hmtmNFsogdicuXnfBpM11NAFKezC_xnxVn1H6Q1LIxqt8Nzx1rBnW4yNePn-J7yTz2Bh1gMnGXV3Bh4FBprHDY/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck10.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglzhMhyxj6WmW1iloyh_-LLpAEqFJ9XBMYSrOsgMP2bkrO4aDaVIwh7hmtmNFsogdicuXnfBpM11NAFKezC_xnxVn1H6Q1LIxqt8Nzx1rBnW4yNePn-J7yTz2Bh1gMnGXV3Bh4FBprHDY/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck10.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
After all of the reporters are gone, the heroes, with their fists firmly clenched and their righteous jaws set in anger, later confront the bragging waterfowl and let him know just how they really felt about his little press conference. Which basically involves them repeating things that Danger Duck had already said in disbelief, because rabbits aren't known for their expertise in flinging swear words. <br />
<br />
Danger Duck's response? "I was quoted out of context!" Thanks to this line, I can now write "I laughed at a joke in Loonatics Unleashed" on my list of reasons why I hate myself.<br />
<br />
I also have to admire the restraint of the other five superheroes. They're all armed with superpowers and yet only Lexi actually attacks Danger Duck. If I were Rev Runner and one of my friends did this to me, I'd be giving him supersonic atomic wedgies so powerful his genitals would catch on fire from the friction. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTmkpKElIJiWLl1gf7izzP0bAwk7A8UJtZbZaiInS5n9yjQIECfLHY876pRD6EBofmgRR06KUsKY6Vwdy7srI7pzsHCRMOlvmGkn-FLU-Jz2YlScS5NddF_YeRRq4FNRJpWNC7Y7pJaQ0/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTmkpKElIJiWLl1gf7izzP0bAwk7A8UJtZbZaiInS5n9yjQIECfLHY876pRD6EBofmgRR06KUsKY6Vwdy7srI7pzsHCRMOlvmGkn-FLU-Jz2YlScS5NddF_YeRRq4FNRJpWNC7Y7pJaQ0/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Look, guys. What the hell did you expect? I'm descended from Daffy Duck. Being a jackass is in my blood!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, they find out through the trusty television that happens to be on (why look, it's my favorite "television advances the story" plot device that appears <i>all the damn time in this blog</i>), that Dr. Dare has been released from his statue, has created new "bots", and has robbed a museum on Greek history. And this all occurred off-screen, because it was way more interesting to hear Danger Duck constantly lie about how great he is compared to the rest of his friends as opposed to a man with a glowing rock arm leading an army of sentient golems into a museum and mercilessly crushing innocent museum goers into gooey red splatters in their wake. <br />
<br />
And with this scene alone, you can probably catch on to the reason why I find this episode so unintentionally hilarious. Dr. Dare is the B plot of his own comeback episode. Unlike most superhero shows where the comeback of a villain that had disappeared near the beginning of the show is treated like a big huge deal (like the Steerminator episode of Darkwing Duck), our loveable little rock lover is pretty much ignored in favor of a plot that teaches us the lesson of taking credit for things that aren't yours and the perils of an overinflated sense of one's self-importance. Which is such a damn shame, because they could've used this episode to add some actual character development for this guy and make him more interesting. Oh well, I guess they felt The Goddamn Sagittarius Stomper was a better threat.<br />
<br />
Also, I hate how Tech E. Coyote and the others blame Danger Duck for the fact that Dr. Dare is free from his prison. Yeah, because it was totally Danger's fault for inventing a very unstable gadget that starts randomly shooting lasers the moment someone drops it to the ground. <i>Right</i>, Tech?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAhnbb-Lun0osYjuddXa__y3URhIq0G45I01hOkRQrXHCrNIMOdWGG4lBExFRRy5yhLpRKh3ktvYlYH-_J_VUtFnBUz2RYPip5oAelpLyLHqfo3xDIGdxSKpRf6o7fjK4tVRuf-v_lKjg/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAhnbb-Lun0osYjuddXa__y3URhIq0G45I01hOkRQrXHCrNIMOdWGG4lBExFRRy5yhLpRKh3ktvYlYH-_J_VUtFnBUz2RYPip5oAelpLyLHqfo3xDIGdxSKpRf6o7fjK4tVRuf-v_lKjg/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"In retrospect, maybe storing him out in the open where things like my <br />
<span style="color: black;">Atomic Phase Departiculator can free him from his prison was a bad idea."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">They hit the museum, and wouldn't you know it, <strike>Hans Moleman</strike> Dare already left. So, do you think that maybe, possibly, the man with the hideous glowing arm (come on, it's not like Dr. Dare can blend into a crowd and escape detection) could've been spotted by any security cameras or any bystanders that can potentially give the heroes a clue as to where he's currently hiding? No? We're supposed to treat this as if he's current whereabouts are completely unknown? Okay, I guess we're supposed to buy that Dr. Dare is a ninja now. Alrighty then. <br />
<br />
Danger Duck also invited the Billy West reporter along on this mission so that he can record any potential heroic encounters that may arise. I freaking love that this character is going to frequently appear throughout the entire episode, even if the reason I love him (he's voiced by Billy West) is incredibly shallow. There's just something about his raw giddiness that's infectious. He even keeps referring to Danger Duck as "Danger Danger Duck" on account, at one point during the episode, Danger Duck used the ever original "Danger is my middle name" line. If this character is only in this episode, I'm going to incredibly disappointed with both the writing staff and Warner Bros. in general. <br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJLb7tZ9ynhSg2JFCrbFqmirw6nLA8xdY8wAtrFDjIxX2d9bBWpzQnVbiOR139HL2tyn-Nf-KB3_keA2c3u7baAc2cDdCypl0a_ipjZLMFI4OxlnNZd79BoLlua-ui-9lyk1C6Yh4yau0/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJLb7tZ9ynhSg2JFCrbFqmirw6nLA8xdY8wAtrFDjIxX2d9bBWpzQnVbiOR139HL2tyn-Nf-KB3_keA2c3u7baAc2cDdCypl0a_ipjZLMFI4OxlnNZd79BoLlua-ui-9lyk1C6Yh4yau0/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="color: black;">In Dr. Dare's rather tidy little rampage (despite the broken wall, he made sure not to smash any valuables other than the one he was targeting, showing an odd respect for Greek history), the baldy took only one thing; The Shield of Perseus. For those who slept through their Mythology class in high school, Perseus was the guy that killed Medusa, and he did so by using a mirrored shield he got from Athena, the Greek Goddess of Wisdom. Medusa also happens to be that buttugly Greek monster that can turn people into stone. I wonder if that's relevant to Dr. Dare's villain theme. <br />
<br />
Also, wait, there's an honest to god Shield of Perseus? You mean that myth was real? But if Medusa is real, then that means the Greek Gods were real in this universe (since the reason the shield exists is because Athena made it), which just opens a whole can of mythological worms and instantly makes me question how belief systems work in Loonatics Unleashed if there's undeniable proof of powerful deities, and that's really not something I want to think about when I'm watching neon-colored animals running around and shooting lasers from their eyes or ears at mutants. <br />
<br />
...unless we just didn't hear the whole story here and the reason Medusa looked like that is because a meteor struck the Earth long ago and turned some people into monsters back in ancient Greece.<br />
<br />
And why was the Shield of Perseus in a giant jar?<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBKb-9A7b5N72JzMY1DEtWeHrd12CZg7McUdzeVque1_igus0j3pVQ6Az3mneO3gTm9K42rYY7bMXM6dp3WsN36Z2bOIS_RsaXq-FdmIVyAcaaGkTIe2YVZjOP1FBld1yt1lTFwTpmXTc/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBKb-9A7b5N72JzMY1DEtWeHrd12CZg7McUdzeVque1_igus0j3pVQ6Az3mneO3gTm9K42rYY7bMXM6dp3WsN36Z2bOIS_RsaXq-FdmIVyAcaaGkTIe2YVZjOP1FBld1yt1lTFwTpmXTc/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Because, yeah. The Shield of Perseus was in a giant, ceramic jar. That makes sense.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">So we check up again on Dr. Dare, now armed with the Shield of Perseus, and apparently he still has a working villain lair after all of this time!<br />
<br />
Or, rather, he knows how to make a evil villain lair with glowing runes and hanging wires and crap like that in an incredibly short amount of time since this layout looks a lot different from <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c-oTgxq-Bnc/TlH3kmO3q_I/AAAAAAAAA4Y/SFr53JmlCgM/s1600/loonatics39.jpg">the one in Going Underground</a>. I guess you can chock that up to Dr. Dare wanting a change of scenery, just as long as it kept to his very strict rock theme he has going on. Or the layout artists just plain forgetting what the original floor plan looked like.<br />
<br />
And, even though he doesn't have the Jade Serpent Crystal in his grasp, the palette for this room is still limited to a rather sinister shade of green. His odd crystal keyboard, his machines, his staff, and his rock attachments all have the same markings and pigmentation, which means that either there's some connection to all of these contraptions (and, as always, Loonatics Unleashed will not elaborate because developing characters is for losers) or this man really, <i>really</i> likes to color-coordinate. <br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5Az0wMLhsrP_U4LYbwej6JFsV3Eg42DyPhi8JctXkHFZHp85qBFLVdBqhbftg4DVqNJ4zCXVZ7QsDI7SUg_GCNeby6j1sGpdaAvYmkkcyuRFDlIt5FIVo410pUdoUx8-K0N9Zp-8L1sk/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5Az0wMLhsrP_U4LYbwej6JFsV3Eg42DyPhi8JctXkHFZHp85qBFLVdBqhbftg4DVqNJ4zCXVZ7QsDI7SUg_GCNeby6j1sGpdaAvYmkkcyuRFDlIt5FIVo410pUdoUx8-K0N9Zp-8L1sk/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"There is no escape from The Fortress of the Moles!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">I hate to say this, but this scene where Dr. Dare is spewing villain cliche after villain cliche at his leisure is oddly depressing to me. Oh sure, Dr. Dare is ranting about how he's going to take down Acmetropolis, and sure, he's doing it while sounding like he's giving himself a boner over how evil he is, but remember, he's completely alone in this entire scene. Normally, when these kind of villains rant about their evil plot, there's either a captured good guy or an evil minion within earshot. Dr. Dare, on the other hand, is talking to himself and making rock puns to himself. <br />
<br />
That, combined with what you know about this character from his previous episode (like how the scientific community exiled him and how he was living underground all by himself for years), surrounds this character with a thick aura of patheticness. A better cartoon would've used this to their advantage and would've made Dr. Dare a tragic villain, a person suffering from terrible personality flaws and mental disorders that have destroyed his life. Not Loonatics Unleashed. I've probably had a similar rant in the Going Underground write-up but words cannot describe how frustrated this makes me. For crying out loud, writers! You have half of the material just sitting <i>right there</i> and you're not taking advantage of it in order to make something compelling out of this guy! <br />
<br />
But I digress. While I was busy ranting, he somehow managed to conjure up the reflection of the Medusa from the Shield of Perseus just by waving his hand in front of some crystals and shooting the shield with a laser. I guess in this universe, lasers can do anything. Like turn cars into water.<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAOzCO6Ef92xhJOvYyKn6iNhbUGPDE_-CDvAPVvA_VTsjB3IcP6FjkSkVZaiHKKPxwovoXuBqPOw74h4CfIvPdLH-yJoWZSTiktWLm7PSbJhplWNHNqWhX2YcFxEXfxx0m1EHiwqgI-EQ/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAOzCO6Ef92xhJOvYyKn6iNhbUGPDE_-CDvAPVvA_VTsjB3IcP6FjkSkVZaiHKKPxwovoXuBqPOw74h4CfIvPdLH-yJoWZSTiktWLm7PSbJhplWNHNqWhX2YcFxEXfxx0m1EHiwqgI-EQ/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That awkward moment when Dare realized he was totally flipping insane. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And then, completely on a bizarre little whim, he turns a rat into stone and then laughs about it while it fades to black. Cue commercial break. <br />
<br />
Remember this scene later, because, without giving too much away, what happens in this episode is only going to make this that much funnier and that much more depressing. Think Dr. Dare essentially ranting to himself is pathetic? Wait until you see what happens to this guy!<br />
<br />
I also wonder how you work the lasers on that thing. All Dr. Dare does is hold it up and it fires at the target he wants it to hit. Is there a switch or something on the back of the mythological artifact of doom?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9SK1EscOs4RkAm7VFElqHeqThDaAk_xpDRaLyVPZ6lGsL4ZVwJnTZS6zQvjBagpG4rK1QWfznXl0URYN_C2-obvon21KAAn5GiWFt4LV22ShyyTL-wHwFXUHtktCHVyfo7uEKMWfHya8/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9SK1EscOs4RkAm7VFElqHeqThDaAk_xpDRaLyVPZ6lGsL4ZVwJnTZS6zQvjBagpG4rK1QWfznXl0URYN_C2-obvon21KAAn5GiWFt4LV22ShyyTL-wHwFXUHtktCHVyfo7uEKMWfHya8/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This is way funner than setting out traps!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">Despite the fact that Dr. Dare has the Shield of Perseus and we just saw a scene of him talking very loudly to himself about how Acmetropolis is going to rue the day they ever messed with Dare, when we cut back to the Loonatics, they're basically taking their sweet time. I like how they're in absolutely no hurry to stop the dreadfully insane man with an ancient Greek shield. You know you're a terrible villain when not even the heroes can take you seriously. <br />
<br />
But wait, Danger Duck got a bouquet of flowers in the mail with a death threat from The Sagittarius Stomper attached to them. Awww, that's so poetic of that hulking, jewelry store-robbing thug with the brutish accent. I wonder if they're poisonous like the flowers Shredder gave to April O'Neil in that one episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that I totally need to talk about in this blog because it was absolutely absurd.<br />
<br />
Also, this scene is kind of mean-spirited. Lexi knew that the flowers were from the Stomper but she totally handed them off to Danger anyways. She even addresses Danger Duck as Danger Danger Duck in a mocking tone while handing them to him, meaning that <i>she read the note and knew what it contained ahead of time</i>. Damn, that's cold.<br />
<br />
...and yet somehow that makes me like Lexi all of a sudden. <br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJWsOZpfQZezklD3HOnSYgTEDBnn61gWowP0mSlMkNshz0WGdtYQxoBj8EZoHO5k7SfZtqvF8WF1HC4uS0R-FJuJP-zwmo2g9bkZCNcpP4uw1rSvPtxxJy0GLdQSmbQzGKFqXUTQ8XT_o/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJWsOZpfQZezklD3HOnSYgTEDBnn61gWowP0mSlMkNshz0WGdtYQxoBj8EZoHO5k7SfZtqvF8WF1HC4uS0R-FJuJP-zwmo2g9bkZCNcpP4uw1rSvPtxxJy0GLdQSmbQzGKFqXUTQ8XT_o/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Dear, Danger Duck. I'm your biggest fan. Tell me, when are you going to admit your feelings <br />
for Ace Bunny? My fanfics require validation."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">Right when Danger Duck's done reading the note on the flowers, a washing machine crashes in front of him. Well, it's nice of the Stomper to know when the feathery superhero happened to be reading his note! Seriously, how the hell do you time something like that?<br />
<br />
And great security for the Loonatics Headquarters, by the way! It's a shining beacon to let the citizens of Acmetropolis know that the pinnacles of good will always protect them with the slimy claws of evil, and yet somehow a falling washing machine can crash through the roof and narrowly kill an occupant inside. The defenses of these headquarters are impregnable! <br />
<br />
I also just want to point out the really lame running gag here. Everything that the Sagittarius Stomper throws at Danger Duck has an anvil symbol printed on the side of it. You know, because in the Looney Tunes shorts, there were falling anvils. Get it, it's a joke!<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii5HNN8AlqAa1nHZagMttTpYKY7HjXiPmmfkYOim1tCet6DpqNW-CCRdL4hq4aizDQtej1C9KcHkBHJd_Z6Cd3E1M_Of6J4JqvL_CHbqXpFm6zLT3X-1vHYimwnRjkxqkAYt9SH-JBu9s/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii5HNN8AlqAa1nHZagMttTpYKY7HjXiPmmfkYOim1tCet6DpqNW-CCRdL4hq4aizDQtej1C9KcHkBHJd_Z6Cd3E1M_Of6J4JqvL_CHbqXpFm6zLT3X-1vHYimwnRjkxqkAYt9SH-JBu9s/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Who throws a washing machine? Honestly!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">Since Danger Duck reasonably believes that the Stomper is out to kill him (because hey, someone did just try to squish him with a household appliance, I'm not sure why they treat this like Danger Duck's overreacting), they decide to visit the prison to make sure the Stomper is still locked up. The prison he's in is no Arkham Asylum, but it's still reasonably designed, from the use of silly-looking electric fences to the fact that, much like the prison in the first Kung Fu Panda (in fact, so much like Kung Fu Panda that I kept expecting to see Tai Lung), all of the cells are deep underground. <br />
<br />
This also shows how deprived I am, because when I saw that the prison was entirely underground, with a rocky structure and everything, I kept thinking to myself how that would be a much better use of Dr. Dare than the plot we have now. Why do we need yet another fossilization weapon when Dr. Dare can reenact Knightfall? Backbreaking used on Ace Bunny optional, but preferred.<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt_NEvg91xuYu_A3fdrP9O1-AWvGARBmZLxsR5sj7PFK8TO5vMalCCWlymDrtRotDPaS5CDW_dTlgSWG1U4GS7tXXreBtUmuiVaTHJwZYRQQjYe5MtM9zkPUc7XF8FwQp2aBjBbaggnTc/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt_NEvg91xuYu_A3fdrP9O1-AWvGARBmZLxsR5sj7PFK8TO5vMalCCWlymDrtRotDPaS5CDW_dTlgSWG1U4GS7tXXreBtUmuiVaTHJwZYRQQjYe5MtM9zkPUc7XF8FwQp2aBjBbaggnTc/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Acmeham Asylum</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">They meet with the bionic monstrosity in his maximum security cell (which looks bizarrely like a futuristic snowglobe, because I guess he can't break out of that), and this is when the mystery of the episode arises. How can the Sagittarius Stomper send death threats to Danger Duck if he's safely behind <strike>bars</strike> a plexiglass dome? Clearly something is amiss here, with either someone taking up Sagittarius Stomper's mantle and claiming his gimmick as their own (hey, it happens all the time in DC Comics; there are like five different Clayfaces) or Sagittarius Stomper somehow being able to escape his maximum security cell in secret. It looks like we have a mystery on our hands, gang!<br />
<br />
While this conversation is going on, Danger Duck all but pees his pants in front of Stomper (so, what the hell is his real name anyway?), but in fairness to Danger Duck, he <i>did</i> narrowly avoid getting killed by a washing machine. This is a very reasonable response. Ace Bunny views this in contempt, probably because he's an asshole.<br />
<br />
By the way, Billy West Reporter was in this scene too. Now this is a man dedicated to his work. Doesn't this guy have a social life or something? I'm a bit worried about him now.<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh23dqUaL_gWis_bAy3BGkcKsW-7iaQdZayatXm2LospHY_ROsD-pOBRm0fbTc3hKxc15W9iT0jUDdbqQGMmlCVEDnpt78biK87wYSWHkvkbmJV3glMfG6X2uvpV_GlWaq6zFN_vEuvBXk/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh23dqUaL_gWis_bAy3BGkcKsW-7iaQdZayatXm2LospHY_ROsD-pOBRm0fbTc3hKxc15W9iT0jUDdbqQGMmlCVEDnpt78biK87wYSWHkvkbmJV3glMfG6X2uvpV_GlWaq6zFN_vEuvBXk/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So, shank any of your prisonmates lately?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">The Terror that Flaps in the Night finally lets his, and I can't stress this enough, <i>very reasonable</i> fear take control of him and he runs away, taking April O'Neil with him, and that's when Ace notices something odd in the cell. A pink toothbrush and pills! Jinkies!<br />
<br />
Hey, don't discriminate, rabbit. Just because Stomper has metallic limbs doesn't mean he doesn't suffer from headaches like normal human beings. And this villain's already proven himself to be manly enough to use a pink toothbrush without anyone questioning his sexuality. <br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJEcKtrhfIRKTlwgy3cZLqfEujPFG-rBk9kzi3KMnYz2XfIv1zsK5cwM-m8nFmGheG8vbaqnseCmQeqfXgWbwfMffCN_HhlpbvkgyanUEMMQq89RI4-vneZg_4K6gbjKdKWKS_OZqJDLQ/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJEcKtrhfIRKTlwgy3cZLqfEujPFG-rBk9kzi3KMnYz2XfIv1zsK5cwM-m8nFmGheG8vbaqnseCmQeqfXgWbwfMffCN_HhlpbvkgyanUEMMQq89RI4-vneZg_4K6gbjKdKWKS_OZqJDLQ/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Pink? But that's a color for girls!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">While we ponder on the strangeness that is the toothbrush and the pills, we cut to Acmetropolis at night and...<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
...oh for the love of god, look at Danger Duck's room. <i>Look at it!</i><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4bZXP1KBl883ce1tMayxWZK6vSFxpvwc_QhyhsOSU43bWQieb1CTaYaQdIC3vVIDnA08ijRHbPA_zWdbTKkkpdlMxw4_VnmbD26hibZFPFoA86LH0mqFovCykxcMyvxUFducf7mWctpQ/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4bZXP1KBl883ce1tMayxWZK6vSFxpvwc_QhyhsOSU43bWQieb1CTaYaQdIC3vVIDnA08ijRHbPA_zWdbTKkkpdlMxw4_VnmbD26hibZFPFoA86LH0mqFovCykxcMyvxUFducf7mWctpQ/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Subtle.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">Like a Where's Waldo picture or one of those I Spy photos, Danger Duck's room is one of those things that gets crazier and crazier the longer you stare at it. It's like one of those puzzles where you try to spot as many hidden Danger Ducks as possible within a given time frame. There's narcissism and then there's <i>this</i>, where this character basically has a fetish for himself. The best part has to be the golden Danger Duck statues (I wonder where he got those made; that'd be a pretty odd request to have for room decor), which are basically recolors of the Danger Duck clip art that was present in a lot of the show's promotional material, resized and copypasted in every available space. <br />
<br />
You also gotta admire Danger Duck and his ability to comfortably sleep in a bunch of pointy weapons too. Clearly this is a character too complex to exist in any show but this one, because in order to fall asleep, he needs to be gently lulled by both the sight of his own grinning mug and the gentle tickle of incredibly dangerous martial arts weapons. <br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCveAmvKTeLhcGj3LSJAHiJTPFYg0z0p3TTSjoou2t6ettREeLADdLIMQHUF4k7bZoCUCkREjgc_Kdls0a9Ifn2pjjF1gw3JvHfsNGkzuspyHCoCy3XzWQD0zM2tVJsudELIUaOM_i5Ms/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCveAmvKTeLhcGj3LSJAHiJTPFYg0z0p3TTSjoou2t6ettREeLADdLIMQHUF4k7bZoCUCkREjgc_Kdls0a9Ifn2pjjF1gw3JvHfsNGkzuspyHCoCy3XzWQD0zM2tVJsudELIUaOM_i5Ms/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If he rolls around in his sleep, he gets stabbed in at least ten different areas.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">And that's when the Stomper, in a second murder attempt, throws a cow on his bed. <br />
<br />
...yeah. Don't question it. This is the show's attempt at random humor.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure how the cow survived landing on top of all those maces and sais either.<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Tmm5qzu_-qQxbMYQZcynrV9j3iIaJ69PfbFwCREdsmD2rtQ3NF0xuHyXMNRElQ4K_MtD8C-pAna2lUyKMOwhYf3TtcjowUVJMpQqehvPegi5rHoq3gV03yLL5vAdQ6PtHXzX-RaF9vk/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Tmm5qzu_-qQxbMYQZcynrV9j3iIaJ69PfbFwCREdsmD2rtQ3NF0xuHyXMNRElQ4K_MtD8C-pAna2lUyKMOwhYf3TtcjowUVJMpQqehvPegi5rHoq3gV03yLL5vAdQ6PtHXzX-RaF9vk/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, they're in a highly metropolitan area with no farms in sight. Where did Stomper get the cow?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">Danger Duck understandably panics by this sudden assault of bovine animals and that wakes up and subsequently annoys the other team members. Before you ask, no, somehow they <i>didn't</i> hear the falling cow bursting through the roof of their home (not even Lexi, the one with superhearing) and they just think Danger Duck is just being annoying. Yet they were able to hear the terrified screams of one of their teammates. I can't even deal with this; my brain's gonna dribble out of my ears if I contemplate the implications of this for much longer. <br />
<br />
To keep myself sane, instead of wondering how they can't hear a goddamn cow flying through the air, I might as well point this out since I didn't have time to say so in any other episode. When the characters are not in costume, they actually look like their normal counterparts. I'm not sure how the outfits make the inside of their ears and their muzzles neon-colored like their costumes, but I guess that's part of the mystical superheroic armor they have to wear in order to mask their identities or something. <br />
<br />
...you know, even though 90% of the city's population is human, and I'm positive it'll be easy to narrow down which six-foot-tall bunny in the phonebook happens to be the one with the magical sword and the laser eyes. <br />
<br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: black;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQLsX4eOF2GV8mgZqmegX9i3rVKzxdtefP1WRHjHNvn95swiWCH_2iWkUg21bYeQcI_deLVClvPkixYrjjpomrpabhCfCIGs3UYlqReVHyAW-VfZNMQI2k9kletuUj2HhURfXyP6i1nUk/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQLsX4eOF2GV8mgZqmegX9i3rVKzxdtefP1WRHjHNvn95swiWCH_2iWkUg21bYeQcI_deLVClvPkixYrjjpomrpabhCfCIGs3UYlqReVHyAW-VfZNMQI2k9kletuUj2HhURfXyP6i1nUk/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck9.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvPchY4Fac2-B4I-3n8YQDURA-ESSgCx5Opq4wnsDVkbRjeTbSX0hu5M1es93Jwp4BQYOqPDnGiZHJLy5cbbBSi6Lcu9TFCjhQXGqxQnQDMZBLgagaxAdJzhlczr0_W3NOHjNB3q827HE/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvPchY4Fac2-B4I-3n8YQDURA-ESSgCx5Opq4wnsDVkbRjeTbSX0hu5M1es93Jwp4BQYOqPDnGiZHJLy5cbbBSi6Lcu9TFCjhQXGqxQnQDMZBLgagaxAdJzhlczr0_W3NOHjNB3q827HE/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To be honest, I actually like them better this way. They're not as silly-looking.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">So they head in Danger Duck's room to humor him (because remember, in cartoons such as this, the complainer is always wrong), but sure enough, the cow is gone, leaving behind only a giant indentation in Danger's bed and quite possibly a steaming pile of cow crap on the carpet. But, despite this evidence, everyone else writes it off as a bad dream, with Tech E. Coyote, still bitter about the fact that he didn't receive any credit for his devastating lasers of liquifying doom, says that the dreams were brought on by a guilty conscience. Who knew coyotes were so whiny? <br />
<br />
Sooo...no one heard the giant eight foot tall guy walking around (at one point, you see The Sagittarius Stomper's shadow on a wall, meaning he was inside the building <i>without tripping off any alarms</i>), and no one heard the cow? It's not like cows are the stealthiest of creatures...<br />
<br />
...guess not, then. Luckily the Stomper doesn't strike again that night (good thing this killer isn't too motivated) or else Danger Duck would really be screwed. <br />
<br />
And <i>where the hell did all of the weapons on his bed go</i>? That poor cow needs to go to a vet if it's walking around with at least twenty different sharp, pointy objects stuck in its belly. </span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgClueKnOTDKI2cOwKDXucxXkuLBwfvTgf0QOafWyDMxuaQaqa3jskBxlvHzBmmTJzsJzs8K7hIFSxVcs4V8CPZdEvidfL4OKDndfcWGGB4GAWU2-LzMmmU81dOE8hgAHpd_cumi7qch48/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgClueKnOTDKI2cOwKDXucxXkuLBwfvTgf0QOafWyDMxuaQaqa3jskBxlvHzBmmTJzsJzs8K7hIFSxVcs4V8CPZdEvidfL4OKDndfcWGGB4GAWU2-LzMmmU81dOE8hgAHpd_cumi7qch48/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Huh, there's a weird, cow-shaped indent in his bed and the smell of methane in the air. <br />
Must be all in Danger Duck's head."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">The next morning, we catch up on Dr. Dare, and he's...well, there goes my ability to take this character seriously. Pardon me for the following sentence, because trust me, this is going to sound incredibly nonsensical. He's flying around on a little levitating rock like one of those really cheesy 8-bit videogame bosses while shooting rock lasers from that shield at random crap while screaming "At last, I'll have my revenge!". </span><br />
<br />
...why this guy isn't more popular. I know he's campy as all hell but I think he's a blast. He's one of those characters that's so over-the-top and so ridiculous that he manages to become endearing in his sheer insanity. I mean, for crying out loud, at one point he says <span style="color: black;">"And when I'm done, Acmetropolis will rock, but not roll!" without any subtlety. <i>How are you supposed to take that seriously</i>? <br />
<br />
Plus, again. Simon Templeman. I guess this is a compliment to the casting directors. Good job, guys. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWSZZE8gtW1qb-mAG73ucUkEGMiJZoWUuNMAJB3kErxumIOlCnIgovaurP3OXmrshxY_Ov00nMn_LMwuw72yCiNcktkDvQH7cf2qTNG2y5TCEFe22yfyQSLyhSHc1kbkSqwvFZu9Z6EqY/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWSZZE8gtW1qb-mAG73ucUkEGMiJZoWUuNMAJB3kErxumIOlCnIgovaurP3OXmrshxY_Ov00nMn_LMwuw72yCiNcktkDvQH7cf2qTNG2y5TCEFe22yfyQSLyhSHc1kbkSqwvFZu9Z6EqY/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"<b>Hell freaking <i>yes</i>!</b>"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And his method of attack is turning random people into stone. There's nothing I don't love about this scene. When the civilians are turned into the stone, they don't just halt in place; they actually tumble along the ground as if the sheer inertia of them running and then suddenly stopping is propelling their statuesque bodies. It's the simply most ridiculous thing you could ever see out of a rock-themed villain in a superhero cartoon, and I've seen quite a few Disney Afternoon cartoons so I <b><i>know</i></b> my ridiculous. <br />
<br />
Maybe it's me, but this seems like a massive downgrade from his previous world domination attempt. In Going Underground, he got his revenge by using a MacGuffin so powerful it flips an entire city upside down. Here, he's just randomly shooting people on a city street with a magic shield. No offense, Dr. Dare, but from the looks of it, just using your "bots" (I hate that the show called them that) would be more effective in killing people while at the same time keeping to your theme. <br />
<br />
Also, how sturdy are the people when they turn into stone? I've probably asked this very same question in <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/11/mask-animated-series-mask-au-gratin.html">a previous post I've done</a>, but I live near public buildings that do have rock statues, and noses and fingers have broken off just from wear and tear. A statue tumbling down a street sounds like a recipe for a broken limb or two. These citizens are, at the very least, going to be crippled for the rest of their lives when that spell is reversed. The worst case scenario is, of course, the ever lovely "someone gets turned to rock, is shattered into little bits" thought that always comes up with spells such as these exist in a fantasy world. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1u2Pmza5Jrsttti49m87Sxur9dM4Avcp19buUgS03lB3kgEERMAQ_ErMsw2yeY8s7XX_PAZp25LgGiZ_JTuBuBLJp48J12YG-0L4p2kFJYifeRkNGtrVmPeZjm2x7m37Q6RQdWPkD0SU/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1u2Pmza5Jrsttti49m87Sxur9dM4Avcp19buUgS03lB3kgEERMAQ_ErMsw2yeY8s7XX_PAZp25LgGiZ_JTuBuBLJp48J12YG-0L4p2kFJYifeRkNGtrVmPeZjm2x7m37Q6RQdWPkD0SU/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Are you bored, Dr. Dare? Is this what you do on your days off?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">The Loonatics, of course, arrive to stop Elmer Fudd from his very ineffective, very slow plan of revenge. And, since Dr. Dare is a massive idiot, he summons some golems to fight the furries instead of, you know, <i>using that mirror he stole</i>. Yeah, why steal something if you're not even going to fight with it?<br />
<br />
Or he actually caught on with the whole "Ace Bunny can refract lasers back at him" thing that happened the last time and he doesn't want to take any chances. In which case, <i>why the hell did he steal something that had a laser</i>? Just steal the right TM and teach yourself Stone Edge, Dr. Dare. That'll teach 'em. <br />
<br />
And, unrelated, but I like how Dr. Dare has had at least a year to think about his plan of revenge while he was rockenized and yet it's really unorganized and uses the exact same enemies they thought before. There is a very good reason why he's being upstaged by The Sagittarius Stomper right now. At least the Stomper can get creative at times.<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL4e6yQrq-n3SVVaBEwv-7srZM1kfzueazo2aIWgaAUew47akIby2saWr15mnJYx3y0IXmM4RqY1OCumTrohvvXe9xxkHZew5EHwOyOjPwffccKe7zxn6yncfE343WlwcCwaA_2zlqXs8/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL4e6yQrq-n3SVVaBEwv-7srZM1kfzueazo2aIWgaAUew47akIby2saWr15mnJYx3y0IXmM4RqY1OCumTrohvvXe9xxkHZew5EHwOyOjPwffccKe7zxn6yncfE343WlwcCwaA_2zlqXs8/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">*insert rock pun here*</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">But then, Tech E. Coyote to the rescue! The moment he saw that the golems were basically repeating a fight that had happened in the first season, he decided that he has had it with Dr. Dare's bullcrap and flips the hell out with his </span><span style="color: black;">Atomic Phase Departiculator,</span><span style="color: black;"> using it on the crazy little scientist's rock monsters and destroying them all instantly thanks to the magic of awkwardly used chemistry. Hah hah, <i>screw you</i>, Dr. Dare; this team won't tolerate your rather limited villain theme for much longer!<br />
<br />
He even howls just like a coyote when he does his heroic deed. Sometimes, when I'm doing an episode for this site, I like to check the comments (if they exist) of the episode I'm watching to see what other people are commenting on <strike>so I can steal their ideas for jokes</strike> so I can get a sense of what other people thought and if they had the same opinions I did. 80% of the comments for the episode Cape Duck were about Tech's howl or his dog-like whining he does in another scene. Good to know that Loonatics Unleashed vastly appealed to their main demographic, which happens to be the furry fandom, with this episode. </span><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiESCdrYIuLtEGsM70gbvR6NGOK_xfgBE2lG9ssQeL4Pt96wSjob5m0PE7a9L3QvnxUv5rtxsmrm0-vDFGJ-3Wve258iunSufo14ytX85UCWptfyG6sKTNOg7MiCxM5HFK4HDBszdAY8lQ/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiESCdrYIuLtEGsM70gbvR6NGOK_xfgBE2lG9ssQeL4Pt96wSjob5m0PE7a9L3QvnxUv5rtxsmrm0-vDFGJ-3Wve258iunSufo14ytX85UCWptfyG6sKTNOg7MiCxM5HFK4HDBszdAY8lQ/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, this is pretty badass, cartoon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">And, to add insult to injury, he uses the laser on Dr. Dare. <br />
<br />
No, he doesn't turn the rock-themed mad scientist into a pile of liquid; that would probably be considered too violent for this show. Instead he uses it on that lame floating rock doohickey (okay, seriously, how the hell does Dare keep his balance on that thing?) so that Dare can merely fall several stories, where he'll break several of his bones, including both of his legs, against the unforgiving sidewalk and die from both the shock and the internal bleeding. That's more keeping with the Looney Tunes spirit!<br />
<br />
...can Dr. Dare see out of that right eye? They never really explain that either, don't they?<br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA8QsD2fU_e7krwILVsUy7e5n1KETkVYriY4uxYj_ZO8OfQGPo4LNHJhKs0BcyBBhDuEyFi37CPnyk5ZxyNagscf32M6xUpbsAyGwzpp56Fi9HgUEK_taLFrSVITMkFcNWiS52AXsERW0/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA8QsD2fU_e7krwILVsUy7e5n1KETkVYriY4uxYj_ZO8OfQGPo4LNHJhKs0BcyBBhDuEyFi37CPnyk5ZxyNagscf32M6xUpbsAyGwzpp56Fi9HgUEK_taLFrSVITMkFcNWiS52AXsERW0/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck18.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizMJCg47-ec-lqmx5kJR-lxiNeu0QBKZYuG7O09rXfpvHqD1X-KEPtRAvosVV4I-bLZtZ5IzP2ABns-rQ__ptHK-s8lo54wBcBbB7IgBNJtqmGqRojqn74g1hUh9rBbgE0rM5ttUsFQGA/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizMJCg47-ec-lqmx5kJR-lxiNeu0QBKZYuG7O09rXfpvHqD1X-KEPtRAvosVV4I-bLZtZ5IzP2ABns-rQ__ptHK-s8lo54wBcBbB7IgBNJtqmGqRojqn74g1hUh9rBbgE0rM5ttUsFQGA/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is why, when you pick a vehicle for your rampages of evil, you go with something with a little bit more armor.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">That's when Dr. Rocky McRocksrocks lands on the Shield of Perseus, which somehow magically landed on the Medusa side during his fall, and turns into stone, thanks to the wonders of the writers completely failing their high school math classes. Okay, seriously, while this is a minor thing, this is bugging me almost as much as the lasers that can perform spontaneous shapeshifting. Both Dr. Dare and the shield fall off the rock at the same time. It makes absolutely no sense that the Shield of Perseus would fall a lot faster than Dr. Dare. Considering the height they fell, they'd both hit the ground at the same time; the shield would not magically teleport right underneath him. Sorry guys, but you fail Physics forever!<br />
<br />
And, as you can probably guess, the reason this happened (and maybe the physics fail happened was because of divine intervention) was so that Dr. Dare can once again turn into stone. This is just a suggestion, but maaaaaybe he should probably stop using evil schemes with petrification spells if this keeps happening to him. The first time was poetic justice, but for it to happen a second time is just sloppy on his part.<br />
</span><br />
<br />
However, I do like to think that this episode was setting up somewhere where, whenever this villain appeared in an episode, he'd keep on getting petrified in more and more ridiculous poses, sort of like how Baxter Stockman from the original TMNT cartoon kept on getting sent to different dimensions in his episodes. Had there been a third season, there could've been like a quick gag where something inane unfreezes Dr. Dare, and he gets turned into stone again while he's pulling his pants down and mooning the Loonatics Headquarters. <br /><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1x7xNeMpnV12yyqjwM3PVyXIsIVIkvaPn_hybnvDDOjcxl_XmfCDyD4Ln8CxKhjlZmBegTgOV2swEHpoGJfQBMtwd7NpKAo7ethH1UyCpHCuDC8fQhXLk7aDBaMx-mlvcPq3WJouoHvc/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1x7xNeMpnV12yyqjwM3PVyXIsIVIkvaPn_hybnvDDOjcxl_XmfCDyD4Ln8CxKhjlZmBegTgOV2swEHpoGJfQBMtwd7NpKAo7ethH1UyCpHCuDC8fQhXLk7aDBaMx-mlvcPq3WJouoHvc/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck20.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Le3Wyr1UmCyjhkgqihFRMNKb6e4Ssos_pU4QQ80s1zWDiUIQrAlpYC_-zMuF0cdL6wVRfsAIGLC2s9NMqe36uNPJ8nM2J35MyxvS9vodgiMRAFjhnlswPqvpSkLXx4s5yNGGhOCWQhk/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Le3Wyr1UmCyjhkgqihFRMNKb6e4Ssos_pU4QQ80s1zWDiUIQrAlpYC_-zMuF0cdL6wVRfsAIGLC2s9NMqe36uNPJ8nM2J35MyxvS9vodgiMRAFjhnlswPqvpSkLXx4s5yNGGhOCWQhk/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a very dignified way to die.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">And that's the last we see of Dare for the rest of the series. </span><span style="color: black;"><br />
<br />
No, I'm serious. <i>This is how they resolve this character arc.</i> Dr. Dare, who gets no development even though he's one of the few early villains that actually has a decent enough backstory (at least compared to The Ringmaster, who's just a jerk for the sake of being a jerk), gets thwarted in no time at all and is only </span><span style="color: black;">treated as a minor annoyance and everyone is all ho-hum about it. His fight isn't at all climatic; it just advances the plot of a bigger villain. And all that talk of turning Acmetropolis into his own rock garden and all of that posturing with the Shield of Perseus in his evil lair of green doom amounted to nothing; it was basically coming from the mouth a very mentally disturbed man with no friends and family who not even the heroes of the actual show care about. They need to invent a new word for that level of pathetic. <br />
<br />
I have mixed feelings about this. Dr. Dare had a ton of potential and, in this writer's opinion, a very neat design, but at the same time, he never actually fulfilled the things I was expecting from him. So my mind's trying to figure out whether I should be saddened by such a waste of what could've been a neat villain or just shrug my shoulders and continue through life as normal. I'm personally going with the latter. <br />
<br />
But back to the actual cartoon. Wouldn't you know it, Danger Duck actually says that it was Tech that saved the day. This sounds like a friendly gesture until you hear, in Danger's words, that he "deserves all the blame I mean credit". Danger Duck is essentially hoping that The Stomper will change objectives, essentially putting one of his own friends in harm's way. What a dick. <br /><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBIeBidqs3U9QBJAnTYjb8e-kj_mohsPzIblRV303MJOi07JDe_vbJsLg3uRKt90xWqG_j5NauO8q9EoHADUfDPREWHn2UDpRdHeZE4n9pKtZWBRgeLcxFCl7tf4bO5NkTiuYIWT1dGcE/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBIeBidqs3U9QBJAnTYjb8e-kj_mohsPzIblRV303MJOi07JDe_vbJsLg3uRKt90xWqG_j5NauO8q9EoHADUfDPREWHn2UDpRdHeZE4n9pKtZWBRgeLcxFCl7tf4bO5NkTiuYIWT1dGcE/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, and Tech E. Coyote has a phobia of spiders, snakes, and clowns, just in case <br />
some psychotic killer happened to be watching this interview right now."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I love everything about this news report though, despite its rather sinister underlying issue. From Tech's awkward smile to the fact that Dr. Dare's new petrified state keeps rocking back and forth like a very bad toy on account Tech planted his foot right on Dare's ass, there's nothing about this that I don't like. I think I found a new screensaver. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLYihuclLoHDxo63UcsV_UPzgMRygoi4qHuQDGwX8a_V3hBNie633hrqp9luEDZ69GP52iIoYCKkzmoaAjGzTCTDZjAL8pXRMsKBc-52bXeaV_RYbyaKw-mXuFOLxEIvE21uP6ha9oA9c/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLYihuclLoHDxo63UcsV_UPzgMRygoi4qHuQDGwX8a_V3hBNie633hrqp9luEDZ69GP52iIoYCKkzmoaAjGzTCTDZjAL8pXRMsKBc-52bXeaV_RYbyaKw-mXuFOLxEIvE21uP6ha9oA9c/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then they put Dr. Dare back in the park, starting the cycle all over again.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">As expected, the very next thing that happens is that Tech E. Coyote gets a death bouquet (I'd like to see Sagittarius in a flower shop buying these bouquets) with a threat. Way for the postal service to not track things like that!<br />
<br />
Although, why the flowers? Are they some sort of deep metaphor on how, like the merciless florist that sells what is essentially plants that are slowly dying on account of their cut stems and how a bouquet quickly decays no matter what precautionary measures you take to preserve them, their lives are extremely short? Or does Sagittarius have a sensitive side? And what kind of flowers do you send to your worst enemies anyways? You obviously can't send red roses; that would just send the wrong message... <br />
<br />
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Before you think that Danger Duck is now completely free from danger, Stomper writes on his flower letter of doom that he's still going to get the duck. Because if cartoons have taught me one undeniable truth, it's that the universe hates waterfowl. Just look at anything Donald's ever starred in.<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3IEVcJnCmcj0HWpG8doDS3o8_XJpUSkXTa60LEgpqX7N8X0B0fGX5watjlQ_316bnAevPW3KlYfPd9R3Okm4sUpNZfnjAacAQXmPtfKr4Kd85Hox-el-tbXnf6V4DRbS-wWf-WvoTrtI/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3IEVcJnCmcj0HWpG8doDS3o8_XJpUSkXTa60LEgpqX7N8X0B0fGX5watjlQ_316bnAevPW3KlYfPd9R3Okm4sUpNZfnjAacAQXmPtfKr4Kd85Hox-el-tbXnf6V4DRbS-wWf-WvoTrtI/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"These flowers cost you HOW much?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">You know what that means. Another monotonous prison visit to basically reinforce the whole "Stomper is locked away, how can this be? It must be a mystery!" aspect of this cartoon. Only this time, instead of just Danger Duck acting like he's crapping his pants, now Tech E. Coyote is there too. Presumably also crapping his pants.<br />
<br />
Look, Stomper even knit (spoiler alert: this is another clue) a little memento this time. When I saw the blanket, a cold chill ran down my spine because that was when I realized that I was actually honestly laughing at this cartoon's jokes. And not in a "wow, that was so lame that it's still somehow funny" way; I'm actually enjoying the humor. Never in my life have I wanted to start drinking than this moment right now.<br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeaPOM4SoQ1FQdyFZYNmitbCNG7MiK8Xvk9Xo9Qcgm2_uYpji4mBJz-Y30nktjxaW-q4FJ83qOvbh0rEkpdsgIMEy_DoAsaJgHcX1htrbqZJHyiuz1hWi3w3cyzrnrUYRZq5n7GSAT3gg/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeaPOM4SoQ1FQdyFZYNmitbCNG7MiK8Xvk9Xo9Qcgm2_uYpji4mBJz-Y30nktjxaW-q4FJ83qOvbh0rEkpdsgIMEy_DoAsaJgHcX1htrbqZJHyiuz1hWi3w3cyzrnrUYRZq5n7GSAT3gg/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is art.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
One comedy style cut later, and we see Danger and Tech hastily packing all of their belongings and deciding to take a vacation on the other side of the world until the heat blows over and they can stop fearing for their lives. Silly duck and coyote, thinking they can outrun a cyborg. I just hope their friends and family will be able to properly identify their bodies after The Terminator is done with them.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, while they're having an episode, Ace, Lexi, Slam, and Rev just sort of stand off to the side and look confused. Ace even insists that they already saw Stomper in prison, so what's the problem? Not once does it occur to them that there's a serious problem that they should help with, lest two of their team members end up dying. You gotta love how completely, insultingly useless these characters are throughout this entire episode. They saw the bouquets and the washing machine! For the love of god, somebody get off of their ass and help!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Totally random, but why<i> is </i>this cartoon named Cape Duck anyways? Is that supposed to be a pun on "Cape Fear"? No offense, cartoon, but you're way off base if you're trying to reference that movie. </span>For starters, you need a Robert de Niro caricature somewhere in this episode. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNMtu6XaFEv2S_SthCf4bUhajxN06oTOhu4fwVMBg72xDw2W36b5IcVxfj7eh6gaxHezXmLFDk8qMbU696Q5p1nuUEaGVQQb02KaSAozPKSHvTuh5nXDqPyXtthV-B2WEW6zkTruWZWuU/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNMtu6XaFEv2S_SthCf4bUhajxN06oTOhu4fwVMBg72xDw2W36b5IcVxfj7eh6gaxHezXmLFDk8qMbU696Q5p1nuUEaGVQQb02KaSAozPKSHvTuh5nXDqPyXtthV-B2WEW6zkTruWZWuU/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck26.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's me whenever I pack for the college dorms.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
To make matters even worse, while they're talking, two more things show up to try to squash them, which causes them to scream in terror and run out of the building. Again, none of the other Loonatics offer to help them, choosing to instead watch their friends suffer from mental breakdowns. How heroic.<br />
<br />
It is kind of cute how their suitcases have the upside down Loonatics triangle. You know, just so they can instantly spot their luggage at the baggage claim.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMtexFM9qgbezYYtMuV7X0mt_2H4F-YxAkzzfhhuO4hF9fy_DgYkO2QPRm49gtUqGKYbTvfrFAgzQznhfTvwEhDf72Dk6zW56B9zI6deS9FQHhyphenhyphenq7AgyW-shzKJtmP3PlHi1fmSYvlmZg/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMtexFM9qgbezYYtMuV7X0mt_2H4F-YxAkzzfhhuO4hF9fy_DgYkO2QPRm49gtUqGKYbTvfrFAgzQznhfTvwEhDf72Dk6zW56B9zI6deS9FQHhyphenhyphenq7AgyW-shzKJtmP3PlHi1fmSYvlmZg/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck27.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="color: black;">But instead of going to the other side of the world like they said they would, they're merely hiding out in the very spacious, very clean sewers. I bet they're silently praying for the descendants of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (and not the actual Ninja Turtles transported to the future, because TMNT: Fast Forward was a terrible assault to my eyes) to come to their aide. They're world-renowned for fighting villains with too much metal grafted to their bodies, after all. <br />
<br />
Whatever happened to their suitcases anyways?<br />
</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNBSlmRPJ47xb3KSrotbEZAqy4ek1GeYb7jKpNy6godVLU8UkfrPuGNE9AefU4wAJ51GbbfX6Dmu_ZcxQhmnTYLPhhTOZ7yOPi72kWUL-N_zIqVLN69Xzknpz0rlnvuxHAE6FDy6ZsAuM/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNBSlmRPJ47xb3KSrotbEZAqy4ek1GeYb7jKpNy6godVLU8UkfrPuGNE9AefU4wAJ51GbbfX6Dmu_ZcxQhmnTYLPhhTOZ7yOPi72kWUL-N_zIqVLN69Xzknpz0rlnvuxHAE6FDy6ZsAuM/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"There's nothing more relaxing than sleeping next to giant rivers of fecal matter."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="color: black;">The Stomper ends up finding them pretty quickly, because they barely have time to relax before a giant mountain of meat and shiny metal crashes down from above. So, are the police in this city just super incompetent or something? I'm still not buying the idea that this man has been, well, <i>stomping</i> around the streets of Acmetropolis completely undetected. <br />
<br />
In order to catch the hideous beast off-guard, Tech activates a booby trap that involves...him and Danger hiding out in a glowing hamster ball while a safe lands on the bad guy. Huh? Huh?<br />
<br />
...wait, nevermind. This is the guy that invented a gun that can turn cars into water. This is expected.<br />
</span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9ueZst4dWzzy-AuVmE6tIRFCcOECP3pvr1lNQFUxqo9fdXMlEmFIyux-Zb1L_4_L2ZVPFm6TCMFQd8WN-w-WZSCeszPbT2AKY6nK3essV1cw0PPbIzBL8EJzcP1z9C623MLdpafkTIKA/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9ueZst4dWzzy-AuVmE6tIRFCcOECP3pvr1lNQFUxqo9fdXMlEmFIyux-Zb1L_4_L2ZVPFm6TCMFQd8WN-w-WZSCeszPbT2AKY6nK3essV1cw0PPbIzBL8EJzcP1z9C623MLdpafkTIKA/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck2.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWXcptIo7RRkuqWQkAQEMG9yAalBH0PGvpP5ATuv3VNFJH3j99nE9fsHYF7l36P5mnjUyr6GUNAjRme_kNO_cFyQI96GdoStZDkG-BULCSqreSwqONsRpM7fSyFq1EwPSWZ6IHly0Wb9M/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWXcptIo7RRkuqWQkAQEMG9yAalBH0PGvpP5ATuv3VNFJH3j99nE9fsHYF7l36P5mnjUyr6GUNAjRme_kNO_cFyQI96GdoStZDkG-BULCSqreSwqONsRpM7fSyFq1EwPSWZ6IHly0Wb9M/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yep. This makes total sense.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: black;">This doesn't work (because the safe has a door, on account Tech is a freaking <i>idiot</i>), so they use Plan B; running around like idiots in the sewer until the Saggitarius Stomper grabs one of them. So much for that strategy. And we're supposed to be entrusting the safety of the entire planet to these guys?<br />
<br />
Now would be a good time to point out what a great help Ace, Lexi, Rev, and Slam have been in this entire episode. No, really, it's great that Tech E. Coyote is inches away from projectile vomiting out his own organs towards the ceiling on account his teammates were too lazy to help. <br />
<br />
It's also a good time to point out that if Danger Duck didn't say anything about Tech back when he defeated Dare, he'd wouldn't have someone trying to kill him right now. Poor Tech. His coworkers <b>suck</b>. <br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibHKbHlQuKRn9ddAZ-DThbvasRLqvnMVgQ7d-N28I4pBDmXg4Q3_M_kgpIhyphenhyphen_JPOyp4-ot470PaZNZwMMWrmR6GgxoN1A8EwhCOxvIWMz0aSPF-IpNHWQd__ToHcdIOTjWwvX6ObkictM/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibHKbHlQuKRn9ddAZ-DThbvasRLqvnMVgQ7d-N28I4pBDmXg4Q3_M_kgpIhyphenhyphen_JPOyp4-ot470PaZNZwMMWrmR6GgxoN1A8EwhCOxvIWMz0aSPF-IpNHWQd__ToHcdIOTjWwvX6ObkictM/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So, how do you want to go? I was thinking Ozzy Osbourne style for you."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">Danger, when he sees Tech captured, goes through some really superficial soul-searching that, if you squint and tilt your head to one side, almost looks like actual honest to god <i>character development</i>. Wow. And from a show that simply refuses to give such luxuries to their villains too!<br />
<br />
In this episode's case, Danger Duck, instead of learning the dangers of excessive hubris and how his own bragging is what got both him and an innocent party into this mess in the first place, decides to use his pride as an actual weapon and, after hyping himself up as the best damn action hero on the planet, saves Tech. Meh, close enough.<br />
<br />
What makes this scene awkward is that, the way it's set up, it's making out Danger Duck's cowardice as his greatest flaw, <i>not</i> the fact that his an egotistical dumbass that lets fame blind him and cause him to do terrible things to his friends. You know, because being afraid of someone like the Stomper is totally unreasonable. </span><span style="color: black;">I <i>guess</i> you can say him conquering his fear is, in a way, solving the problem about his egotism because he's finally doing something he lied to the press about, but that's a really, really big stretch in this context. </span><br />
<span style="color: black;"> <br />
</span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilLL78Rjyyd2-rB_47Z-bulY1Ubt3fQvU-FIFyUw3Dv9lml7NWrRU4PFX8R06wl3tnx-TeX6gtlVpRTIo9LL9ZmT20kke9VpWHsjX4cCs_R9kh5_sPToecYD_dRmzKmOuSYESG0YKDyPE/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilLL78Rjyyd2-rB_47Z-bulY1Ubt3fQvU-FIFyUw3Dv9lml7NWrRU4PFX8R06wl3tnx-TeX6gtlVpRTIo9LL9ZmT20kke9VpWHsjX4cCs_R9kh5_sPToecYD_dRmzKmOuSYESG0YKDyPE/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck5.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrDGF8d1d9C92R98ovrPAUZy-Td7vrOPGR4YyRVTvMpybdPzW1niv6XanvxZNYc8nVCAYO8z7g4nQztjXsTLWDX_swKUctz2A7N3Bkom3PGEdMblCYCY2GE1grBChv6ZSLmK5EYmsbR_E/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrDGF8d1d9C92R98ovrPAUZy-Td7vrOPGR4YyRVTvMpybdPzW1niv6XanvxZNYc8nVCAYO8z7g4nQztjXsTLWDX_swKUctz2A7N3Bkom3PGEdMblCYCY2GE1grBChv6ZSLmK5EYmsbR_E/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yeah, this is way more satisfying of an ending than me learning my lesson!"</td></tr>
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<span style="color: black;">This doesn't defeat the Stomper though, but it does distract him enough to drop Tech and for them to escape just long enough to put some distance between them and a face-destroying fist made out of steel alloy. <br />
<br />
Sooner or later, the villain not as cool as Dr. Dare catches up to them again, and here we have another actually good line. Stomper says their actions make him angry, and he likes being angry, to which Danger Duck quips "That statement is rather ironic and profound if you ask me." Insert metaphor on stopped clocks here, because calling the writing "competent" would be rather hypocritical at this point considering how poorly they're handling the whole Stomper plot. <br />
<br />
Oh, and Danger Duck also happens to have the power to control water by shoving his fists into a source of liquid (eww, and in a sewer too!) and sending his flaming fists into the liquid. Not going to question this too much (I'm just assuming an episode took place where he received this magical gift) since this scene also happens to have Tech cheering Danger on. Aww, they're bonding after Danger was such a jerk to Tech. And all it took was a near death experience. <br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg95cI-rRro8m9zc0UNt6a3P1IXs9IWBNCo8rVnSe5x_gXkBFmRNOy_NMHzDRZiSjlSVhcjCRimariMHet_753F3OQRI9CMJ1wMAL3rYoSAB6hWs2gxifb5antZEKOJ-L93DxniCBc0q5Y/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg95cI-rRro8m9zc0UNt6a3P1IXs9IWBNCo8rVnSe5x_gXkBFmRNOy_NMHzDRZiSjlSVhcjCRimariMHet_753F3OQRI9CMJ1wMAL3rYoSAB6hWs2gxifb5antZEKOJ-L93DxniCBc0q5Y/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Danger Duck's a waterbender.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: black;">That's when Stomper gets mysteriously frozen by a laser.<br />
<br />
Faster than you can say "ass pull" or "what the crap", turns out Ace and Lexi were right behind Tech and Danger the whole time, and they happened to have the Atomic Phase Departiculator with them! Turns out they kind of do give a rat's ass about what happens to their avian and canine coworkers; they were just off-screen for the last two minutes while Tech and Danger narrowly avoided death. Not buying it. <br />
<br />
...wait a second. When Tech introduced that thing, he said it turned liquids to gases! It turned a liquid into a solid! Make up your mind, crazy laser-shooting contraption!<br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgooino9bU04JLyAi3t4YxyP3xRB7jI3O-tiIwfgv21AbC0efnCfTvAud_z9Pa8sWeIgZ_kMrVnwrTHp6L3fqUYL4FL6FAOjy0_Zzu0hUg10ExijIUJbjnAuEaUbf1F2Gxu_b8jipmlAT4/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgooino9bU04JLyAi3t4YxyP3xRB7jI3O-tiIwfgv21AbC0efnCfTvAud_z9Pa8sWeIgZ_kMrVnwrTHp6L3fqUYL4FL6FAOjy0_Zzu0hUg10ExijIUJbjnAuEaUbf1F2Gxu_b8jipmlAT4/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You make one ice pun, just one, and you're ending up like that guy too."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: black;">But wait, how did the Stomper get out of jail when that cell was completely secure? <br />
<br />
In a revelation that I couldn't summon enough energy to care about, it turns out it was his mom in a giant cybernetic copy of her own son the whole time, because it was Stomper's mom that was the cybernetics scientist that build his robot limbs in the first place. That's why the Stomper in prison had a pink toothbrush and knew how to knit all of a sudden. He was really just a hollow robot husk with a wizened little lady lodged in his chest cavity. Creepy. <br />
<br />
So,<i> how the hell did they switch places?</i> This is never explained! And neither is it explained how the police never noticed that their captive was a big, hollow robot. I want answers, cartoon!<br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWtOtVGzbWXevTUlr7CZJ_R1cWdtd3zc_AdhclX986QZ_60LEuZp0F9WxoBKSmxgPxAi7f0fSGj1wN19z7vQpTLnpZZ1UfzT_fbo-HDI8q7JVdBsggP9Lr4GPUdn4iJK7tVvZv-wLW06I/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWtOtVGzbWXevTUlr7CZJ_R1cWdtd3zc_AdhclX986QZ_60LEuZp0F9WxoBKSmxgPxAi7f0fSGj1wN19z7vQpTLnpZZ1UfzT_fbo-HDI8q7JVdBsggP9Lr4GPUdn4iJK7tVvZv-wLW06I/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stomper's mom is part Dalek.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: black;">Man, this episode sure had a lot of character development, from Danger Duck getting over his fear of serial killers to Tech actually having a friendly bond with someone who, thanks to his actions, nearly got him killed. Teamwork, learning to conquer one's fears, giving credit to the people who deserve it (even if it means doing it in a selfish manner), the danger of one of the Seven Deadly Sins...this sure was a packed episode. Let's throw that all out at the last minute and have Danger Duck take all the credit for everything, therefore taking a big steaming dump on the rather poorly written lesson learned. <br />
<br />
Oh, go to hell, cartoon. You don't pull an ending like this! You're not talented enough for a bait-and-switch ending!<br />
</span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-VnHJcIo-ijSFBX41zVmAjFsunOQ6Sd1VKndWHT4_HzuP25t8tWdkbbSYNRqG9oZOqIXdHVaGOKCFg2obDmfdFpdzBq8ukMk6XmHODqz2xUtiKJd5vn6jCQrb9Nr_TpRK5QqG6-FlZro/s1600/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-VnHJcIo-ijSFBX41zVmAjFsunOQ6Sd1VKndWHT4_HzuP25t8tWdkbbSYNRqG9oZOqIXdHVaGOKCFg2obDmfdFpdzBq8ukMk6XmHODqz2xUtiKJd5vn6jCQrb9Nr_TpRK5QqG6-FlZro/s320/loonaticsunleashedcapeduck10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Character development? What character development? I'm just the comic relief and nothing more. <br />
My personality can never grow and evolve in a way that makes me a compelling member of the cast!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="color: black;">And so ends this episode on a rather bizarre note.<br />
<br />
Now I can't help but wonder what they did with Dr. Dare after he was petrified. Is he still at the park, or did they stick his lifeless body in a prison cell and call it a day? <br />
<br />
<br />
</span><br />
<hr />
<span style="color: black;"><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
If your friend is being pursued by a vicious madman with a reputation for killing people, it's best to just completely disregard everything he or she says if your friend also happens to have a character flaw you find annoying.<br />
<br />
Also, if petrification has proven to be an effective weapon against you, don't keep using the same petrifying spell in your evil schemes for a second time.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
<u>The Good</u><br />
*This was largely a Danger Duck themed episode. I'll be honest; I like Danger Duck. While he is, for most of the episodes, strictly comic relief, it is really fun to see his actions affect the plot in a way that he has to problem solve and fix what went wrong.<br />
*Tech and Danger's interactions with each other. It was interesting seeing two characters of this group actually work together beyond fight scenes. Plus it was nice seeing them actually being positive to each other, when normally, when Danger interacts with another Loonatic, they're telling him off for sucking. <br />
*Tech was pretty likeable in this episode. Normally, he just comes off as either a magical plot-fixing pixie or an egotistical know-it-all, but here, he genuinely had a good reason to complain (he didn't really realize Danger was in trouble, for some plot hole-related reason) because someone else took the credit. <br />
*Dr. Dare is fun to watch because he's so stupid it's amazing. <br />
*The pacing was pretty competent. I can't think of a single scene that dragged on for too long.<br />
*Animation was slightly better than the Season 1 episodes and the characters didn't have those annoying light blue highlights.<br />
*Sagittarius Stomper and his mom were nice references to an old Looney Tunes short. <br />
<br />
<u>The Bad</u><br />
*The character development was all over the place. It was hard to figure out what they were really going for with this episode. Is Danger Duck suffering because of his pride? No, it's because he's a coward! Oh wait, maybe it's because he takes the credit for someone else's work? No, it's because he acts without thinking or something like that. <br />
*Okay, seriously, cartoon. You don't erase an entire episode's character development for a quick gag unless if you're skilled enough to properly pull it off. It was great to see Danger Duck working together with Tech E. Coyote and it was great to see him come to grips with his cowardice and save his friend from danger. You don't go from that to "oh, I didn't really mean all of that from earlier!" It doesn't work! <br />
*Hate to say it, but Dr. Dare really didn't need to be in this episode. It <i>was</i> kind of nice to see the character come back, but his encounter really doesn't affect the plot that much and he feels largely like he was stuck in the plot at the last moment as a Season 1 reference. <br />
*Sagittarius Stomper wasn't that interesting, but this is a personal preference.<br />
*T</span><span style="color: black;">he </span><span style="color: black;">Atomic Phase Departiculator</span><span style="color: black;">. Might as well add it here.<br />
*This is more of a minor pet peeve than anything, but I hated how no one took Danger Duck and later Tech E. Coyote's fears seriously. There was plenty of proof. You could chock it up as "Rule of Funny", but still...<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Final Decision</u><br />
I actually liked this episode. It's probably because I entered this episode with low expectations (because while "Going Underground" and "The World Is My Circus" were not horrifically bad, they still had a ton of flaws) and wouldn't you know it, for the show it takes place in, this episode managed to be really solid. The dialogue is actually funny in places instead of just being lame, they explored two of the team members in a way that I liked seeing them interact with each other, and they were actually playing with the whole "this is a Looney Tunes-themed show" by having Looney Tunes-style villains with Looney-Tunes style weapons and gags. There were still major WTF moments (</span><i><span style="color: black;">T</span><span style="color: black;">he </span><span style="color: black;">Atomic Phase Departiculator</span></i>)<span style="color: black;">, but they were considerably less of them than in, say, "The World is My Circus". <br />
<br />
That being said, it wasn't without its major flaws. The best way to describe this writing is "schizophrenic", because it's like this cartoon can't make up its mind as to what it's going for. Like I said, while this cartoon has character development, you really don't know what it wants as far as the character development goes. Are we supposed to be rooting for Danger Duck or hating him? Like I said earlier, I guess you can say him conquering his fear was solving the problem about his egotism but that's feels more like me feeling in the blanks as opposed to the cartoon actually saying that. <br />
<br />
Plus, on top of that, writing is still weak, villains still pretty undeveloped, and a lot of the team members were essentially just useless. You know, basic problems the show still carries. <br />
<br />
But I guess you can say this is a great episode by Loonatics Unleashed standards. Is this good? No. Is this terrible? Also no. I can totally get the hate this show gets, but at the same time, this episode proved that there is <i>some</i> enjoyment to be had out of this cartoon. If I was ever starved enough for entertainment that I'd watch a Loonatics Unleashed episode, I'd probably choose this one out of the three I've done so far, which is the best compliment I can give for this show.<br />
<br />
Even if cars turn to water and serial killers send death threats through scented bouquets. <br />
</span></div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-81501936507420884142012-02-12T12:29:00.001-08:002012-03-19T10:28:30.828-07:00Dumb and Dumber - To Bee Or Not To Bee<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Since I've talked about The Mask: The Animated Series and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, I figured I'm going to have to talk about this cartoon sooner or later. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CRVgT_G-a1E/Th8x4vykMRI/AAAAAAAAAAU/4ZDkUf9Bf4g/s1600/actual3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="310" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CRVgT_G-a1E/Th8x4vykMRI/AAAAAAAAAAU/4ZDkUf9Bf4g/s400/actual3.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Every so often, the universe rolls a 1 when it comes to animated adaptations.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, remember like six months ago when I first set up this blog and said that this cartoon existed? Turns out I didn't just go into Photoshop and make the stupidest cartoon premise ever before lying to the Internet about it. <b>This seriously existed.</b> Some executives at Hannah-Barbera seriously watched Dumb and Dumber and thought "Hey, we should totally market this towards kids!" right before they snorted coke up their noses and gave each other total frontal lobotomies. <br />
<br />
Luckily, it totally bombed in the ratings and those same executives were quickly fired (and later executed for crimes against humanity), or else we would've gotten The Cable Guy: The Animated Series or The Truman Show Show. And god only knows we don't need help making America's suicide rates any higher.<br />
<br />
As you can tell from my barely concealed hatred for this show, out of the three Jim Carrey toons that exist, this one is the least liked and the least remembered. Unlike The Mask and Ace Ventura, which both had pretty sizable cartoon lifespans, Dumb and Dumber only lasted one 13 episode season. And thank whatever benevolent force you believe in for this small miracle, because rest assured, there is a pretty good reason why this cartoon has practically no fans. <br />
<br />
I think it's probably because, unlike The Mask and Ace Ventura, which clearly can be made into animated series if you watch their films (and made very successful animated series premises), this one...is really a stretch as far as a cartoon outline goes. It's basically two guys in a silly-looking van driving around America and getting into wacky hijinks around the way with their inexplicable pet beaver. <br />
<br />
I have to say, it was hard picking which episode to do first because, unlike other shows where there's some sort of rhyme or reason to the way episodes are structured, this show is all over the place when it comes to episode length. Some episodes run at the traditional one 22 segment, some are divided into three parts, some are divided into two parts where one half is 13 minutes while the other is 6 minutes, some are divided into even 11 minute segments...needless to say, it's a mess. <br />
<br />
So I went with my gut and, instead of doing the first episode (like it's seriously going to explain anything), I picked the episode that has the same title as one of my favorite episodes of The Mask: The Animated Series. Because to hell with it, if this cartoon is going to insult my intelligence, I might as well pick the episode that reminds me the most of a Jim Carrey cartoon that I actually liked. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4RfOGb0-wcG9_c5nJ9f5hu3J5U6iLV8uOfFb3touZpyOPqR29hdR7iJoxEawHLmVMdzvlprQyHvWAjEgz8exW2ytP-fCUottDzSoiOdFPIzOuPLt9g8HaZF6JMdJcU37mJCghnO5O-4k/s1600/tobeeornottobee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4RfOGb0-wcG9_c5nJ9f5hu3J5U6iLV8uOfFb3touZpyOPqR29hdR7iJoxEawHLmVMdzvlprQyHvWAjEgz8exW2ytP-fCUottDzSoiOdFPIzOuPLt9g8HaZF6JMdJcU37mJCghnO5O-4k/s320/tobeeornottobee.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Spoiler alert: This is the superior cartoon in every way.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So, you might be asking yourself. How dumb is Dumb and Dumber: The Animated Series? Surely it's not as bad as this blog writer is saying and surely it has just as much merit as Film Roman's creation, right? Well, sate your dangerously reckless curiosity by diving into...<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>To Bee Or Not To Bee</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS3_XnA1HE-k9pOZLX8FhCcUNYOMSnXirLdGfWDgJa81QyUgPcwJvNgErBgYoFP61ZXAVk9gZVMemQvyXnxtkEcwlGD2oSV8l2eVSrZ2ADFDwRYWNkGiPYChKRUIavC0ei_6C-CzRqeTw/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS3_XnA1HE-k9pOZLX8FhCcUNYOMSnXirLdGfWDgJa81QyUgPcwJvNgErBgYoFP61ZXAVk9gZVMemQvyXnxtkEcwlGD2oSV8l2eVSrZ2ADFDwRYWNkGiPYChKRUIavC0ei_6C-CzRqeTw/s400/dumbanddumbercartoon.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sadly, I can name at least two other cartoons that used this pun.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>Airdate:</b> December 2, 1995</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: red;">Online Only</span></div><br />
<br />
<br />
Now, you might be wondering. How are brain-dead kiddies glued to the idiot box going to know if this cartoon is a Dumb and Dumber cartoon if the characters, merely two guys on a road trip to Aspen, don't have as iconic designs as The Mask or Ace Ventura? Why that's simple! All they just need to do is to open the cartoon on the iconic dog car, even though, without the context of the movie, you literally have no idea why these men are choosing to drive around in a vehicle that looks like they found some giant, oversized canine, hollowed out its body, and then made the corpse street-legal. <br />
<br />
The <i>other</i> way you can tell that this is a Dumb and Dumber cartoon (or at least a Jim Carrey cartoon) is that one of the characters happens to be doing a poor man's substitution of Jim Carrey's voice. Which, considering how over-the-top the Ace Ventura cartoon was in terms of imitating every last nuance and speech impediment that comic actor had, is pretty par for the course, all things considered.<br />
<br />
And there we are. That's literally<i> the only two things in this cartoon that tie it with a popular movie</i>. Normally, when a show only lasts a handful of episodes, I feel some form of pity or remorse for the executive monsters that cut a show down before its prime. But with Dumb and Dumber, I'm personally shocked that they managed to make thirteen whole episodes out of this. I wonder if some producer at Hannah-Barbera lost a drinking game or something.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5AJUXusui3Bsnoe6fKgJBP4keQv1c43ZWCwR9XjA65kpdJp-nKwCEgkIMyNBgpxxscjb7388DU5X0HKucGWepgsMK7EhLuYI1oIlusWqwqRROsjhwJfMlHhhRYIJWsASk8Rc5tTE7tKY/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5AJUXusui3Bsnoe6fKgJBP4keQv1c43ZWCwR9XjA65kpdJp-nKwCEgkIMyNBgpxxscjb7388DU5X0HKucGWepgsMK7EhLuYI1oIlusWqwqRROsjhwJfMlHhhRYIJWsASk8Rc5tTE7tKY/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's like if Mater and the dog from Up had a baby. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Wait. I should probably talk about the actual episode itself. Our first conflict in this lovely piece of animation is the fact that, since there was a sign that said "Slow Ahead" at one point during their abyssal road trip, the one driving the car (named Lloyd Christmas, and yes, I had to consult Wikipedia for this character's name) decided that that meant that he was supposed to drive at 5 miles per hour for over two hundred miles even though he's backing up traffic with his hideous dogmobile. See, it turns out there's a third thing that lets us know that this is related to the Dumb and Dumber franchise (although calling it a "franchise" is being way too generous). Turns out the main leads are, well, <i>dumb. </i>And the cartoon has to let us know this at least five hundred times in each segment of this cartoon. <br />
<br />
People who watched Cartoon Network in the early 90's will also be quick to notice that this cartoon shares an art style and premise to another Hannah-Barbera cartoon produced at this time, 2 Stupid Dogs. It's great to know that Hannah-Barbera adhered to its long-running tradition of running any moderately clever idea they have to the ground by releasing similar show after similar show until the networks cancel them out of disgust. This is the 90's version of The Snorks or Goober and the Ghost Chasers. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV_CoOfPMHmFxfFAyHQdQWST3Ylsn-7ziCRQqbuaWnv14-LUYjR8AywE4PoUyXNyLqTxBANQbhFQK7MnFiAOouFEk2WHq42aS1r6iYka_o864_dJIrG8XMr1qgndzpOP_sonwPMbjoO8w/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV_CoOfPMHmFxfFAyHQdQWST3Ylsn-7ziCRQqbuaWnv14-LUYjR8AywE4PoUyXNyLqTxBANQbhFQK7MnFiAOouFEk2WHq42aS1r6iYka_o864_dJIrG8XMr1qgndzpOP_sonwPMbjoO8w/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That Model T is surprised by whatever's in front of them. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>The passenger in the smelly hairball of a car gets into an argument with Lloyd over how fast he's going, Lloyd tries to justify his idiotic behavior by getting all philosophical on us (the concept of "ahead" is brought up), and already the writing shows just how intelligent it is when two characters basically resort to a long "No we're not!" "Yes we are!" argument while a beaver reads a magazine on dams. <i>Thrilling!</i><br />
<br />
I might as well talk about the beaver, which is purple because the colorist wanted to use up their tube of purple paint. Her name is Kitty Kat (because get it, they're so dumb that they thought a beaver was a cat!) and her big personality trait is the fact that she's a lot smarter than her two owners. Thankfully for my sanity's sake, Kitty is unable to talk, but unfortunately, that doesn't stop her from performing higher tasks like reading, dressing up in job-appropriate clothing, and washing dishes. It makes me wonder just where the hell two people who can barely function in normal society were able to obtain a demigod of an animal.<br />
<br />
She also spends most of her scenes eating wood. Because beaver. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwi6tFocnalHf5FVtBSepCHdXRymI1sDe5qVdLE_-DJm2YUfDrYnlueQW4WIOsb2Q47lkzANxFu4usZzKFtxWvt_jahK1h12rQoZ15BB27M3dvMGPdr_d20M2hMBKljQpV5X5P6ImXWOw/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwi6tFocnalHf5FVtBSepCHdXRymI1sDe5qVdLE_-DJm2YUfDrYnlueQW4WIOsb2Q47lkzANxFu4usZzKFtxWvt_jahK1h12rQoZ15BB27M3dvMGPdr_d20M2hMBKljQpV5X5P6ImXWOw/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So wait, there are beaver magazines in this universe? Does that mean <i>all</i> beavers are sentient <br />
in the Dumb and Dumber franchise?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, in case you're wondering what the point is to this particular segment of an episode besides being dumb, they want to get to a lake to go swimming. You can tell because the other Dumb main lead (who's named Harry Dunne and has a giant ass growing out of his face) is sitting in the passenger seat totally buck-naked save for a pool floatie and some water goggles. His friend is so accepting of his strange, worrying life choices. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUSo0EvhAhwNI15JplfUYef62bQMAF_Hi0ZVg_pB0wWrpxRKKcqGkmymS0CwniBEwvbMX9O87qV5haXWREKjPdBvbeN48CIZLU58DigU338-5fVjJoX3sP9qptH_F9F4EQumhYis4Yp7E/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUSo0EvhAhwNI15JplfUYef62bQMAF_Hi0ZVg_pB0wWrpxRKKcqGkmymS0CwniBEwvbMX9O87qV5haXWREKjPdBvbeN48CIZLU58DigU338-5fVjJoX3sP9qptH_F9F4EQumhYis4Yp7E/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Don't be such a prude, man."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While they're busy being completely stupid, they end up receiving two flat tires. Asschin is saddened by this turn of events because now this means that he'll never go to the lake now, but really, he should be more worried about the fact that all of their car's tires are completely devoid of treads, meaning that they're screwed if they have to slam on the brakes, if it ever rains, or they ever drive on slippery terrain.<br />
<br />
Lloyd (who has weird protruding teeth in an last-ditch attempt to make him more distinct) also tries to fix a tire by placing it on the ground and punching it repeatively with his fist in hopes that that will fix the puncture. So trying that the next time I get a flat. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrqCdThL6O1Qw-c_ygR8poNM6-PaOLoFYRR4klsX1e9dV5A7q2urbQCQ0JyjzdavLcZP8iAtV07siigDGf1U-MeiFo3RqkTMgUHgFINtUL1hosBTD4xRx7ef7IrM0Essjpx6W2mwTf9F0/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrqCdThL6O1Qw-c_ygR8poNM6-PaOLoFYRR4klsX1e9dV5A7q2urbQCQ0JyjzdavLcZP8iAtV07siigDGf1U-MeiFo3RqkTMgUHgFINtUL1hosBTD4xRx7ef7IrM0Essjpx6W2mwTf9F0/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm afraid to ask where they stick the gas pump in that car.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While Lloyd fails at basic car maintenance, the beaver changes the radio (because Buttcheeks was listening to static, because <i>get it</i>, he's dumb!), and suddenly, the two people in the car hear an emergency broadcast bulletin. Turns out there are killer bees are on the loose and the citizens are warned to stay indoors. Harry freaks out about this and warns Lloyd that they should quickly change the tires and get out of here, which is actually a pretty smart response for a bee swarm so deadly that there are emergency broadcasts about it. I guess even these two have their moments of logic. <br />
<br />
And, at the risk of saying something nice about this cartoon, the moment where Harry gets a hold of himself by extending his arms and wrapping them around himself was funny, if only because it's subtly disturbing to watch someone's arms stretch and lose all anatomy for the sake of fulfilling a visual pun. From the cartoon's title, I was expecting these characters to just be dumb people, not eldritch monstrosities capable of suddenly liquifying their bones in order to perform horrible assignments in order to appease the Death God. <br />
<br />
It also freaks me out that the trees in this universe resemble the Truffula Trees from The Lorax in terms of shape and color. I think this show was meant to be viewed while under the influence. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhyPI0h2Uf_oFnWCmBEDv6WzTjg_ozey0DN5dh80EkNyKfRvsObW2CQebfcwNr5xAueA0P4i-GA-8TfuO0tpT3vNtcruz788nnxdPOefKVwOX8tlSU2MOTvKzdCjFNg7a5jBbMu4wHfn8/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhyPI0h2Uf_oFnWCmBEDv6WzTjg_ozey0DN5dh80EkNyKfRvsObW2CQebfcwNr5xAueA0P4i-GA-8TfuO0tpT3vNtcruz788nnxdPOefKVwOX8tlSU2MOTvKzdCjFNg7a5jBbMu4wHfn8/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>What is this I don't even.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Lloyd isn't too bothered by the notion of death by bees, so instead he replaces the tires with the help of his magic beaver friend and her ability to turn a log into a wheel made out of solid wood, and they continue towards the lake. They may be dumb, but nothing stands between them and their vacation spot. <b>Nothing!</b><br />
<br />
Now, I'm not an expert on cars, but something tells me that their wheel substitutions are wildly unsafe. One of the wheels is made completely out of wood (and was made in about two seconds by a hungry beaver), therefore providing no shock absorption or flexibility, and the other wheel's a goddamn <i>pool floatie</i>. I was half expecting both wheels to break, the car to tip over since both wheels were on the same side, and for both Harry and Lloyd to desperately claw their way out of their smoldering wreck of a vehicle right before the killer bee swarm arrives and then stings them to death. It'd make an interesting police report at least. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJYUq6JvClCrvaDSIYJTTz3iaTyc8BpTkV114XbcTzfgRgV5QGikXpj6C23_U5MtVW7XCzg_ltLH1RgNsrgo3WX8weiLCvqokkCYuhvF1_5kbm1PH2V8qsUn0tF62tvkZWbWwRCxp6yIA/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJYUq6JvClCrvaDSIYJTTz3iaTyc8BpTkV114XbcTzfgRgV5QGikXpj6C23_U5MtVW7XCzg_ltLH1RgNsrgo3WX8weiLCvqokkCYuhvF1_5kbm1PH2V8qsUn0tF62tvkZWbWwRCxp6yIA/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pimp My Ride went through some rough patches before their first season on MTV.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since they're not going to be able to drive very far with a pool toy for a tire (and I'm not sure how they were able to fix the wheel onto the car since apparently there's no lug nuts on their vehicle), they decide to hit the first residence for spare tires. <br />
<br />
...which happens to be a bee farm. Huh, so <i>that's</i> why the episode has a bee-themed title.<br />
<br />
By the way, don't expect Aunt Bea to bee (sorry) the source of the killer bees that are sweeping the countryside and causing radio stations to issue warnings to all of their listeners. While I understand how you would come to that conclusion and even those two idiots would be fun to watch if they were thwarting some sort of deprived apiculturist turned evildoer, that's expecting far too much from this show. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnUsaVrJ_Lm8wy0t70BzDXystbMu4HrA89nITypidZfx1_xoEqqZ1E4LX9wNlriC5m1Bz5fWTXboj2Htzy1Y_I4P9RK9JGe6r2yVqjqXkAD6yKc1Admt3hWULUoXO1zq9fEZ_v5uvUoVI/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnUsaVrJ_Lm8wy0t70BzDXystbMu4HrA89nITypidZfx1_xoEqqZ1E4LX9wNlriC5m1Bz5fWTXboj2Htzy1Y_I4P9RK9JGe6r2yVqjqXkAD6yKc1Admt3hWULUoXO1zq9fEZ_v5uvUoVI/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bea Arthur had some strange hobbies back in the day.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Turns out that, despite the fact that she isn't behind the killer bees, Aunt Bea is still a little bit psycho because she doesn't just own a bee farm, no. She has an honest to god <i>theme park</i> just smack dab in the middle of freaking nowhere. I want to say that this is a clever reference to Knott's Berry Farm, but I have a sneaking feeling that one does not use the adjective "clever" when discussing Dumb and Dumber: The Animated Series.<br />
<br />
So, level with me, cartoon. Beekeepers don't make that much money, which is why a good percentage of beekeepers just do it as a hobby. How the everflipping hell did this Aunt Bea get enough money to have a goddamn roller-coaster right next to her home? Now <i>there'</i>s a backstory that needs to be told! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOpA3hmWQEoIXPih8Gm3RKW_o9nBeEOaCrdw28QqLWYMsNlISn5DYIBExGbOkI9ByOe2RAniLlJyOY3xmuZMYT787dUtWuBMjkl2gxWpFlmZhlmHWsgm1PaH-jThaNeaeTMwLJRtlcgTo/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOpA3hmWQEoIXPih8Gm3RKW_o9nBeEOaCrdw28QqLWYMsNlISn5DYIBExGbOkI9ByOe2RAniLlJyOY3xmuZMYT787dUtWuBMjkl2gxWpFlmZhlmHWsgm1PaH-jThaNeaeTMwLJRtlcgTo/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, it's perfectly sane to use your unexplained riches to build a giant ten-story bee in your backyard.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When we finally see Aunt Bea, she has a row of people dressed up in bee outfits, ready to usher in "Bee Day" (oh lovely, a reference to World War II), the grand opening of the bee farm, while being the best bees they can "bee". She was barely on the screen for a nanosecond before I wished they made the show about her instead, she's that great. Maybe it's the glasses.<br />
<br />
As you can tell, Aunt Bea is a wee bit essentric. Judging by her attire, her beehive hairdo, her saggy old lady boobs, and her name, she's definitely a retired supervillain (my guess is that she used to be named Zazzala and she used to fight the Justice League) who decided to use the money she's made stealing bee-shaped artifacts from museums and coating New York City in hypno-pollen in order to give back to the society she's once robbed.<br />
<br />
...not sure how she was able to hire so many people perfectly happy with wearing skintight bee outfits, though. I guess she was able to call Gorilla Grodd to "help" with the hiring process. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5XEPBUIzXtV2_gmL3hF3amOrLnMmntCQIzIClyBYDTFCoTtcByWlmqFxdOe-xZMBEWpRM9QfukA9KIZ_eWZBrApo3egBnpxUPjY7uPTeorfz8GTubnR01fO8xgu6to5Kv0tq6u3hMoDA/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5XEPBUIzXtV2_gmL3hF3amOrLnMmntCQIzIClyBYDTFCoTtcByWlmqFxdOe-xZMBEWpRM9QfukA9KIZ_eWZBrApo3egBnpxUPjY7uPTeorfz8GTubnR01fO8xgu6to5Kv0tq6u3hMoDA/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yes, my loyal drones! Use your venomous stingers of malignance to crush the skulls of <br />
all that oppose you! Aunt Bea commands it!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As expected, the two guys think that <i>these</i> are the killer bees the radio was warning them about. Oh god, how I wish they were, because Aunt Bea having a bee army so terrible that radio broadcasts are warning the civilians to stay indoors to avoid the repulsive tide of death sweeping over the countryside caused by them would've been so amazing.<br />
<br />
But anyways, Lloyd (the Jim Carrey-ish one) thinks that there will even be a reward involved with their successful capture. They just didn't say it on the radio because, in his logic, the man announcing the emergency broadcast wanted all the reward money for himself. Well alrighty then, I can't argue with that!<br />
<br />
In case you're wondering how he came to this really idiotic (or should I say <i>dumb</i>) conclusion, direct your attention to this series' name. That's the premise of 80% of the jokes in this show, sadly.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLS1mjGLUnz7qYycMcUNC_WRqbgOjqj1uelleISwi7mQdPVIIYTyoekjRyF_cY1zyKssht2-faSa7wn-5gqzzrxz3vZ7CCfNsgsuw1CrnTOf6En1v17wEjfiyhLo-lW8qZdi5CvC2PJTA/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLS1mjGLUnz7qYycMcUNC_WRqbgOjqj1uelleISwi7mQdPVIIYTyoekjRyF_cY1zyKssht2-faSa7wn-5gqzzrxz3vZ7CCfNsgsuw1CrnTOf6En1v17wEjfiyhLo-lW8qZdi5CvC2PJTA/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Look man, I'm just making this crap up as I go along."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So they decide to disguise themselves in order to infiltrate the killer bee base. Considering the writers have to ram the fact that these two characters are "dumb" into our skulls with the subtlety of a Death Star, the joke here is that their costumes are not bees at all. Comedy! <br />
<br />
Even though it logically makes no sense that they'd dress up as a ghost and a kangaroo because it's been pretty established that they know what the hell a bee looks like. I kind of wish the cartoon gave us more insight on their train of thought and why they chose these specific costumes; maybe Lloyd thinks that kangaroos, ghosts, and killer bees have a symbiotic relationship in nature. <br />
<br />
Speaking of which, I also have a question. <i>Why</i> does Lloyd have a giant kangaroo costume just readily available? At what point in his life did he go to a Target, see the giant man-sized kangaroo costume, and thought "Gee, I might need that for later"? <br />
<br />
And why the pink lab gloves? I'm so confused...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfOpWdjrt7InU64ckW12BPM6iuwBE2CefoKbK3WezGU-E0J-qmaSqUS4hwbiu8Oqx-uspUd2-oP_JZoSqjj_GMKBMjhrfuPWfTooiRCED6Tl6vxVKzEPr8kl1aTJhGq4Mm_F5ZjU-4qGM/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfOpWdjrt7InU64ckW12BPM6iuwBE2CefoKbK3WezGU-E0J-qmaSqUS4hwbiu8Oqx-uspUd2-oP_JZoSqjj_GMKBMjhrfuPWfTooiRCED6Tl6vxVKzEPr8kl1aTJhGq4Mm_F5ZjU-4qGM/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This looks like the premise to a really bad porno...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So the kangaroo fursuiter starts drawing up plans in order to better subvert and destroy the bee menace. He comes up with a fittingly <i>dumb</i> idea, but not before he makes some jokes involving math problems (a train leaving Detroit is mentioned) and the beaver eats some of his notes. This scene is also one of many, many, <i>many</i> scenes that illustrates how lethally stupid these two people are because at one point, the guy in the ghost costume honestly forgets that he has a nose. Come on, guys; <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/10/scooby-doo-show-headless-horseman-of.html"><i>Scooby-Dum </i>of all people</a> did that very same joke, and that cartoon's a Hannah-Barbera property! <br />
<br />
But at the same time, one can't help but wonder if they're just totally dumb or if Lloyd just has a severe mental disorder that totally scrambled his thought processes. He was obviously resourceful enough to produce a kangaroo costume and seems to grasp the concept of subterfuge when at the same time he can't figure out how to safely change a tire. I wonder if he's just a Jim Carrey version of the autistic savant from Rain Man. We must take this man to Las Vegas to test my theory. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNnHeiHHGJmPhVLB3ppYVEnwaaNWzTwasB0y8Uuvi44tTOf-2_qgQl1Sq6ZP4nQttcCDIx6QIPlAsYdNYFY66-sUJssQj1aBmteV7ORsEk-bIoRxTaCOmlHqdDSTrqn__IwFvkChwtlnM/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNnHeiHHGJmPhVLB3ppYVEnwaaNWzTwasB0y8Uuvi44tTOf-2_qgQl1Sq6ZP4nQttcCDIx6QIPlAsYdNYFY66-sUJssQj1aBmteV7ORsEk-bIoRxTaCOmlHqdDSTrqn__IwFvkChwtlnM/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"A deadly bee weapon. Bees. My god."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After he comes up with the outline of his evil scheme to ruin an old woman's livelihood for a cash reward, then he draws up a basic battle plan attached to the side of the dog car. I'm really not going to go into said plan in detail because it just gets screwed up later, but basically Kitty Kat has to create a distraction in one area while Tweedledum and Tweedledumber are busy wrecking havoc. <br />
<br />
And once again, Lloyd has changed his costume. This dude's got an outfit for every occasion, doesn't he?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpr3pgAvUhhvfpctqjDMZOyHAnZQm3T7GRSTiup42C9F41Y7XoQ1AXWVFFezng2xDRuI8N_IUui0pB7Pgn_1v7e_ZN9hWVlP1IaeLKtPeRjuYx7KDbt7YcBvowpiGgV-S7W1p17lnYdWM/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpr3pgAvUhhvfpctqjDMZOyHAnZQm3T7GRSTiup42C9F41Y7XoQ1AXWVFFezng2xDRuI8N_IUui0pB7Pgn_1v7e_ZN9hWVlP1IaeLKtPeRjuYx7KDbt7YcBvowpiGgV-S7W1p17lnYdWM/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We're gonna keep fighting. Is that <b>clear</b>? We're gonna attack all night, we're gonna attack <br />
tomorrow morning. If we are not <b><i>victorious</i></b>, let no man come back alive!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>You know what makes this scene unintentionally surreal? The fact that there's a gag that shows that Lloyd is wearing the kangaroo costume underneath his army uniform even though you can clearly see that it'd be impossible to be wearing that kangaroo costume or those gloves in the previous shot. I can't even deal with this.<br />
<br />
You know what else is surreal? This series was written by Bennett Yellin, co-writer of the actual film this was based on. <i>This entire episode is in the same canon as that movie.</i> I bet everyone <b><i>dumb</i></b> (ha ha, I slay myself) enough to read this post is going to be unable to see that classic 90's comedy without imagining the main lead in a weird gloved kangaroo outfit now. Although I can't help but wonder if that will make that movie more entertaining, like how when I watch The Mask and think to myself how, in a few years, that same character's going to fight <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/11/mask-animated-series-mask-au-gratin.html">a Mesopotamian cheese witch</a>. Ah, the miracle of animated adaptations...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU8pKgOxvLZQLtj8-Rd1aKAtENiq-MMLHl2YKLMlcAmZKXG4RXwnPDMkmdtPGcUemewBHneZ73X2nfLqjs7U4ydEW2zW6AgizCKzgQRhy5c9w1uZfxuXvp3NCw4W94V2Rhyphenhyphenk7eYcDMrB4/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU8pKgOxvLZQLtj8-Rd1aKAtENiq-MMLHl2YKLMlcAmZKXG4RXwnPDMkmdtPGcUemewBHneZ73X2nfLqjs7U4ydEW2zW6AgizCKzgQRhy5c9w1uZfxuXvp3NCw4W94V2Rhyphenhyphenk7eYcDMrB4/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm sure this is a fetish somewhere on the Internet...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But in case you were wondering if this cartoon is actually going to be entertaining (and it sort of is, in a "oh god, how goddamn stupid can this thing get?" kind of way), we have to spend a minute watching the beaver get a dam building kit from a mail-in order and then find a damless creek, helpfully labelled with one of those signs from Ocarina of Time, for her to build a dam. Hilarity?<br />
<br />
As you can imagine, the beaver is about as vital of an addition to the cast as you were expecting her to be. I understand having a straight man and all that in order to react to Buttface and Bucktooth's moronic schemes, but why a beaver? Is there some sort of sexual joke I'm missing here?<br />
<br />
But I guess what bugs me about this scene the most is that clearly the most interesting plot thread in this episode is going to involve the ghost and kangaroo cosplayers, after grafting a pool floatie to a car and receiving instructions from a guy on the radio, trying to sabotage a bee-themed amusement park and beating up random employees who happen to be wearing bee costumes, <i>not a goddamn beaver building a goddamn dam</i>. Way to take focus away from the stuff that's actually interesting, Kitty. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj130xjTVjd2cUHMug5IDU4V4UQ9JHpdm2zYTc9dsCAj0N1qXSAPbdmwxTUi5QSTenL8XZKAl55MavPoISEwCa7qMVck_raBABAkZD6bIxPX7lHZZiD8VPoWXlEcC9K6rDPFFCw3Tr1pU/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj130xjTVjd2cUHMug5IDU4V4UQ9JHpdm2zYTc9dsCAj0N1qXSAPbdmwxTUi5QSTenL8XZKAl55MavPoISEwCa7qMVck_raBABAkZD6bIxPX7lHZZiD8VPoWXlEcC9K6rDPFFCw3Tr1pU/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wonder if that beaver got into a freak accident with experiment hair dye and that's why <br />
she's both purple and insanely intelligent.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And so begins. Our two "loveable" dumbasses decide to attack and bring the horrible killer bees to justice through a series of small, largely unrelated scenes that are basically them failing in their tasks at various different locations scattered around the park. Unfortunately, during these segments, they never actually properly show us Aunt Bea's Bee Farm to its full glory; the full majesty of the bee roller-coaster or what that giant bee statue contains forever lay tantalizingly off-screen, never to be seen by mortal eyes.<br />
<br />
But I'm getting off-topic here. First they try netting a killer bee. This doesn't work because I guess being dumb means that you have crappy hand-eye coordination too. The fact that he nets his ghost costume-toting friend is hilarious enough, but you gotta love how everyone is ignoring the insane man wielding a butterfly net while dressed like a kangaroo at the front gates of the amusement park. I imagine if you did this at Disneyland, you'd be in the Anaheim City Jail and labelled a danger to society.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirc7k9qA9Da_XRtWrU5w890EUUkNwSNmILNOjGl7vxP-9ajRUcdyf1yW590zWJh7et6ld1AilOreEGxgd5LeNuFPZ_vWTL0vbxXGoduJMvDoKFKmq3qMd0BXBZkfUH56Qifm_AW34zQDM/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirc7k9qA9Da_XRtWrU5w890EUUkNwSNmILNOjGl7vxP-9ajRUcdyf1yW590zWJh7et6ld1AilOreEGxgd5LeNuFPZ_vWTL0vbxXGoduJMvDoKFKmq3qMd0BXBZkfUH56Qifm_AW34zQDM/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So, did the writers ingest the cocaine willingly or was the cocaine secretly dumped into their water supply?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Next they, in their lovely kangaroo and ghost costumes, try waiting in line for a ticket to join the killer bee gang. Don't even try to make any logical sense out of that sentence; your brain will leak out of your ears long before that happens.<br />
<br />
I like how, again, no one comments on their outfits. Somehow that's funnier than this show's actual attempts at comedy, which is, in this show's case, the fact that lines are long at amusement parks. If this episode was made just a couple years later, we would've had to suffer through the inevitable Fast Pass gag or expensive amusement park food gag on top of that. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgMc8-yBE_-8r8N5IOyC-sE24LyrFOn6sp9sbVi5_XclGQzBfOSQRRYUhVXjLFm4i_n7xi-Nld2-Z_4LWVCApJqd64MXEmURvdz4zHabqB0Z0yFTmDIyDp2iT2boZamVqI1QLv9An5VG8/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgMc8-yBE_-8r8N5IOyC-sE24LyrFOn6sp9sbVi5_XclGQzBfOSQRRYUhVXjLFm4i_n7xi-Nld2-Z_4LWVCApJqd64MXEmURvdz4zHabqB0Z0yFTmDIyDp2iT2boZamVqI1QLv9An5VG8/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ha ha, you sure wait in line a lot at these theme parks! And what is the deal with airline food?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Finally, they try brutally murdering the bee lifeguarding the waterfront (yes, Aunt Bea's amusement park has a lake you can swim in. Bring your family). Maybe it's the fact that my brainmeats have been quietly suffering for this entire episode and have long since shut down out of disgust, but I was greatly amused by the fact that, in order for Lloyd and Harry to attack the waterfront-orientated bee, they had to put <i>swim trunks</i> on top of their costumes first. I wonder if this is the first ever cartoon animated by people locked up in mental institutions. <br />
<br />
By the way, speaking of horrible things, <b><i>whatever happened to the actual killer bees that the radio was warning everybody about?</i></b> Out of all the plot points to conveniently forget about, they forgot about the one that would be an honest to god threat to people at the grand opening of an amusement park! For the love of god, they have a very interesting plot (killer bees attacking helpless civilians at an amusement park ironically themed after bees) just sitting right there and they're focusing on these two dumbasses! Hannah-Barbera, you're dead to me now. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQlfxgdPqHQXRaz1Y3TDNWpCRFBn4TItVkf8a_aBqCVNpaiBwf3SwhEth6DnAMhhdeLciGT3RZT8g8bD3gR7cbgSiyVl_zAiNzPGbUV6Niu68FeLs6qwIQGqjofXQ0hVy-NZQ0SC75A5U/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQlfxgdPqHQXRaz1Y3TDNWpCRFBn4TItVkf8a_aBqCVNpaiBwf3SwhEth6DnAMhhdeLciGT3RZT8g8bD3gR7cbgSiyVl_zAiNzPGbUV6Niu68FeLs6qwIQGqjofXQ0hVy-NZQ0SC75A5U/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GODDAMN HONEY!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since we're not going to see any bee-related carnage anytime soon, instead we're treated to a furry forcefully tackling another furry to the ground in hopes that some man on the radio will give him free money. I don't know about you, but this cartoon makes my soul hurt. <br />
<br />
This is when the park notices that hey, there are some jerks running around trying to hurt the employees, and the bee-themed cast members of Aunt Bea's Bee Farm rise up in order to catch the horrible, horrible people. About damn time. Guys, if you need any extra help capturing these lunatics, I'll be willing to assist. <br />
<br />
So basically, to sum it up, this episode I'm writing about involves two mentally challenged men being dicks at a grand opening of a bee-themed amusement park because they wanted money. You know, instead of that giant swarm of killer bees that, the more I think about it, probably only existed just to psyche the audience out. I gotta hand it to the writers; I totally wasn't expecting this plot when I saw that there was an episode called "To Bee or Not To Bee" listed on IMDB.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDQX3_jvHoxZyuVhFbmUPmHIz3auWzz9PoBtKVYHWUo8yR5_hLNnNeuYhI7uv1LAsS0KgzgrunzAkgd6DTtnNlqVr0t2pfqb-j04wZbx5XsSgWXFKLRGxWtfLQDtlQ7iwIsJfX7vV_Ddc/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDQX3_jvHoxZyuVhFbmUPmHIz3auWzz9PoBtKVYHWUo8yR5_hLNnNeuYhI7uv1LAsS0KgzgrunzAkgd6DTtnNlqVr0t2pfqb-j04wZbx5XsSgWXFKLRGxWtfLQDtlQ7iwIsJfX7vV_Ddc/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's moments like this that make me wonder why this show isn't more popular. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>So they run in order to escape being carted off to the nearest looney bin, since let's be honest with ourselves, that's exactly where they're going to go if the authorities ever catch them (what with the whole "tackling men to the ground while dressed as a giant marsupial" thing going on). That's when they see a sign that they think is a shortcut that leads to the van. I don't even have to tell you that the sign says "To Bee Hives", because, despite the fact that they decided <i>not </i>to do an episode on killer bees (I'm still pissed off by that), we were going to see a big cartoony bee swarm sooner or later. <br />
<br />
You know, maybe it's me, but I don't think that's how beekeepers store their bees. Because clearly the safest way of keeping thousands of potentially dangerous animals is to have a bunch of hives just haphazardly thrown on a wooden table. This is <i>not</i> how you run an apiary, Aunt Bea. Not only is her bee farm wildly unsafe, but <i>she built an amusement park right next to about forty bee hives</i>. People can walk from the amusement park right to the hives without any protective equipment! You can practically hear the personal injury lawyers salivating from this place. <br />
<br />
Also, how the hell can you run a bee farm if the bees are living in structures that are next to impossible to collect honey out of, save for just totally smashing the structure? I know I'm focusing on this one thing but considering it's the source of Aunt Bea's entire operation, you'd think she'd make sure she has her bees stored in a way that won't cause lawsuits down the road.<br />
<br />
...unless this was secretly her plan all along, to have people die from her bees while lured to an amusement park's opening day...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSLOz9rJMwYf4VzeeJAIhFXzjD_f-M4v2PjIj6qFdGO-BrwOifiez7y6EJspGhS-Bu-ITpcSca6ANn4E77TTmjr5YOVQyTFYVnkmRpbIjrgRYgOGWxt0rj6a6dS0akMd91NiLJcClpCYM/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSLOz9rJMwYf4VzeeJAIhFXzjD_f-M4v2PjIj6qFdGO-BrwOifiez7y6EJspGhS-Bu-ITpcSca6ANn4E77TTmjr5YOVQyTFYVnkmRpbIjrgRYgOGWxt0rj6a6dS0akMd91NiLJcClpCYM/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'll be honest. I'm surprised by this show's restraint as far as bee puns are concerned.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Kangaroo Man knocks over a hive, which leads us to a rather bizarre sequence where it turns out the bees in each hive have like little airports and alarm systems and army generals and everything. It's cute and cartoony, and reminds me a lot of the older Warner Brothers cartoons, but consider what show this is in. This is the same show that, just a while ago, established that there are radio broadcasts that warn the listeners about deadly killer bee swarms. This just seems out of place. <br />
<br />
And maybe I'm overthinking this (why, me? Overthinking stuff in a cartoon?), but contemplate the fact that Kitty can order things through the mail and no one was commenting on a man in a giant kangaroo costume and fluffy dog car. From the looks of it, Dumb and Dumber takes place in a weird alternate universe for all of the animals are just as smart and able to work advanced technologies as human beings. Lloyd was readily accepted into the crowd of that amusement park because everyone thought he was a real kangaroo, albeit one with odd deformities like a human face growing out of a useless, atrophied kangaroo face with cold staring eyes. No one said anything in fear of insulting someone with a terrible physical disability. <br />
<br />
And I guess when people are stung to death by a wild swarm of killer bees in this world, the last thing they see before they die is little soldier bees in army uniform flying little miniature airplanes coming right towards them. What a brutal way to go.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioQ8A9qF7NQrzIFR9qK1KkteiktuBOG1B6I9aZtTPVxpzw9qbsFpoe30k-4aKgm8kM5FDHZNRHMU8z91PauD0tuapFRDT3oxodt_AMZzJjFzSImvLD9igY_6rHXKtSZKqOcr1ecJgWxSE/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioQ8A9qF7NQrzIFR9qK1KkteiktuBOG1B6I9aZtTPVxpzw9qbsFpoe30k-4aKgm8kM5FDHZNRHMU8z91PauD0tuapFRDT3oxodt_AMZzJjFzSImvLD9igY_6rHXKtSZKqOcr1ecJgWxSE/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love how the bees have stools in their hive when they can <i>fly</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, right, the plot. A man with a giant ass chin and a man with an odd Beatles-esque haircut are chased by both an angry crowd of amusement park employees and a cloud of bees for their atrocities committed against humankind. Mmm, I love the refreshing smell of someone getting their just desserts for being such annoying twats throughout an entire episode. I'll be honest. I actually had to watch this scene more than once because, after suffering through several grueling minutes of some B-list voice actor imitating Jim Carrey complete with long, drawn-out words, hearing that same voice actor screaming in agony while bees sting him was like an orgasm for my ear drums. <br />
<br />
And, just to make this even more humiliating and mentally scarring, the bees <i>eat their clothes</i>, reducing them to just their swim trunks and exposing their naked pink flesh so they're even better targets for the hideously painful bee stings. I guess Aunt Bea's crossbreeding program between bees and moths was very successful. Aunt Bea's awesome.<br />
<br />
Incidentally, the Dumbs are being chased by every employee from an amusement park. So, who's running the ticket book, being a lifeguard at the waterfront, and supervising the attractions in order to make sure people don't get killed? People are definitely dying off-screen, either from the inevitable accidents or from that killer bee swarm that was brought up at the beginning of the episode. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimcQsFhAj1AcXIio9nlMnc9iUHjZUEc5WmFkX5R9PmX2QexAn3CrhIvy_qZLTpMS02YbivLZwFJ6kw_HteJ4s7pdmb2GrmKcDuu40K9CY39e3PDU5VYNPWy0oNZu7bbXznyqpX8m7S8HA/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimcQsFhAj1AcXIio9nlMnc9iUHjZUEc5WmFkX5R9PmX2QexAn3CrhIvy_qZLTpMS02YbivLZwFJ6kw_HteJ4s7pdmb2GrmKcDuu40K9CY39e3PDU5VYNPWy0oNZu7bbXznyqpX8m7S8HA/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"<span class="st">OH, <i>NO</i>! <i>NOT THE BEES</i>! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! </span>OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! <br />
MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH! <span class="st">"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, Kitty is finished with her dam.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
...since I really don't give a crap about Kitty and want to spend as little time talking about her as physically possible, I'm going to instead show you possibly the lamest pun in the history of animation written on the side of her beverage. Enjoy!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIamjWLe3l06_Er_hgJyoO5YONe5eqAgjnZ-XtkzTHYqRNgQqqC2OdzBhUsG7wKwgXbkp9axpm90k5vGEjIvT8ULC0MuEk_EcDfhYnrUaYPFSDbbwelzoMcRxoR2sNLBvo2pps5M8BCOI/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIamjWLe3l06_Er_hgJyoO5YONe5eqAgjnZ-XtkzTHYqRNgQqqC2OdzBhUsG7wKwgXbkp9axpm90k5vGEjIvT8ULC0MuEk_EcDfhYnrUaYPFSDbbwelzoMcRxoR2sNLBvo2pps5M8BCOI/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, thank you, cartoon. I'm now utterly devoid of love and joy thanks to your writing.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Yeah, it's obvious that this cartoon hates me, because right after it shows off that terrible pun, it manages to save the dumb brigade from a well-deserved death by...having them cover themselves with mud from the dammed up creek, therefore frightening all the bees and all of the amusement park workers.<br />
<br />
Well, okay, I'll buy it. If only because our glimpse at Dumb and Dumber's (this was seriously what I thought their names were when I watched that movie as a kid) mud-soaked, silently screaming forms are enough to give any mortal nightmares for months. Good god, <i>just look at them!</i> To gaze into their black, all-consuming maws and into their eyeless visages is to gaze upon madness itself! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6NAa4mKxjqWnLVpn6rwpnGOBJJaKq0JfgK3V-NrMFVYPQUYV5DVzY3GCO3cc9x0LlzUP8L1TzrSADwZUyxb9HH4PrcptjCgnoOg90KkbBr9DAZiyhFSkftJkpyR_4jAdZB7Tp6bBvHew/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6NAa4mKxjqWnLVpn6rwpnGOBJJaKq0JfgK3V-NrMFVYPQUYV5DVzY3GCO3cc9x0LlzUP8L1TzrSADwZUyxb9HH4PrcptjCgnoOg90KkbBr9DAZiyhFSkftJkpyR_4jAdZB7Tp6bBvHew/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"SOOOOOULS...."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In a rather bizarre twist that kind of resembles an ass pull in both texture and smell, it turns out that both Lloyd and Harry feel horrible for what they've done. <i>Really</i>, now? They actually feel remorse for randomly attacking people? Oh, I instantly forgive them for everything now. Only not really, because this feels more like they're trying to cover their own asses and not get sued by the ex-supervillain as opposed to actually feeling bad about running around in Halloween costumes and tackling lifeguards to the ground. <br />
<br />
Luckily for Aunt Bea, it's only going to take two hundred dollars to fix the damages caused by pure dumb. To be honest, I'm surprised that the cost for damages is a pretty reasonable amount. Usually, when a cartoon character causes property damage and they ask what it's going to cost to fix it, it's almost always a ridiculously large number. <br />
<br />
I really wish Aunt Bea had more of an active role in this cartoon. I was waiting for her approach the main characters and make her beehive hairdo suddenly burst open, revealing that she contains her special attack drones in her hair. And then they can attack Lloyd and Harry and inject them with experimental venom that causes them to horribly and slowly mutate into slobbering, twisted beings that are neither human nor bee. Now<i> that </i>would be a plot deserving of the "To Bee Or Not To Bee" title!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWumVFfB156E1OJfqswumh2xoMSeRIvcwOVOKw-TJ9HXUacKAdeommu9Avj2Gke_5k-By7TSSu__2IEoQet7syRx_gOJTlEJFmKubvRcalIvw3yn2300EIDf-BFmBbaV0jhuElurs4sOg/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWumVFfB156E1OJfqswumh2xoMSeRIvcwOVOKw-TJ9HXUacKAdeommu9Avj2Gke_5k-By7TSSu__2IEoQet7syRx_gOJTlEJFmKubvRcalIvw3yn2300EIDf-BFmBbaV0jhuElurs4sOg/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You've ruined my plans to enslave the unsuspecting victims that came to my opening day and <br />
turn them into my mindless slaves!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, since this cartoon doesn't have a single creative bone in its body, it logically ends with the two horrible human beings and their hideous purple rodent washing dishes in order to work off their debt. It's like cartoons are obligated to work in this gag somewhere or else the government slashes their funding to the animation studios. Their fate isn't as creative as Aunt Bea punishing them for their insolence by coating them with hypno-pollen and forcing them to slave away in the wax mines, but it'll do. <br />
<br />
...why would Aunt Bea have so many dirty dishes just piled up everywhere if her amusement park was only open for one day? Dear god, <i>what does the rest of her house look like?</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKAMIi5mvEOw4RVbrI1KH6H4cxyo7eUWqejFEDoZ3pxN3jGUbwmsRLJzm82tiV-N3uFTnVXhu8sFvprMTsL9BRxzHp_iPdNZH10xatT9npv2oBn3W4E2fQAu7Bu0ZDwXWFPYuJz07EUng/s1600/dumbanddumbercartoon6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKAMIi5mvEOw4RVbrI1KH6H4cxyo7eUWqejFEDoZ3pxN3jGUbwmsRLJzm82tiV-N3uFTnVXhu8sFvprMTsL9BRxzHp_iPdNZH10xatT9npv2oBn3W4E2fQAu7Bu0ZDwXWFPYuJz07EUng/s320/dumbanddumbercartoon6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"That Aunt Bea lady sure is nice. She keeps feeding me this strange-tasting honey and calling me her future mindslave!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So that was To Bee or Not to Bee. A dark, harrowing tale of how far an entire animation company can plummet into madness, a warning to all future cartoonists as to what can happen to you if you choose to take on the wrong project and support the wrong writers. Or else you too will end up animating a man in a kangaroo costume being hostile to giant bees. <br />
<br />
That being said, is it sad that this cartoon made me want to go to that bee farm? Seriously, that roller-coaster looked awesome...<br />
<br />
<br />
<hr /><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
People with kangaroo fursonas have a natural-born hatred for beefolk. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
<u>The Good</u><br />
*Liked the expressions in this cartoon <i>a lot</i>. Not so much the animation as a whole (it's obvious they sacrificed smooth animation for graphic animation here), but the best part of this cartoon was definitely the various faces everyone made in reaction to things.<br />
*I will admit, it was kind of fun seeing just how stupid they could get. At the beginning of the episode, I was like "Okay, they're just being stupid, I'm bored". But then, they got into the bee farm and dressed up as a ghost and as a kangaroo. Then I wasn't bored. Therefore, the cartoon is somewhat entertaining.<br />
<br />
<u>The Bad</u><br />
Oh boy, where do I begin...<br />
<br />
*That purple beaver. Look, I understand adding new characters in an animated adaptation, but the purple beaver is just so pointless. I think that if you were to digitally remove all of Kitty's scenes from this episode (and probably the rest of the series), the cartoon would be vastly improved. <br />
*The characters are about as developed as another character that has "dumb" in his title, Scooby-Dum. They're dumb, and that's about it. They're not very interesting.<br />
*Such a wasted plot, man. Killer bees! Bee-themed amusement park! They could've done so much even in the allotted time, and yet according to my word count, kangaroo appears more than bee. This isn't an episode called "Hop to It" or "Widget's Walkabout"; it's "To Bee or Not To Bee" and I want to see some goddamned bees!<br />
*Aunt Bea didn't get enough screentime. Here is a woman, who dedicated her entire life to bees and has a whole army of overweight men in tight bee costumes at her disposal, and yet she's barely around. What a cocktease!<br />
*Only one of the Dumb and Dumber guys was really vital to this plot. Buttcheek guy just sort of listened to whatever his friend had to say in this episode. This is a really minor complaint, since Buttcheeks did at least have some good lines, but he really didn't do anything as a ghost and that disappoints me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Final Decision</u><br />
This is basically a poor man's version of 2 Stupid Dogs, so you're probably better off just watching that. Nothing really sets this cartoon apart from any other show, and really, I can't even see big fans of Dumb and Dumber watching this since it has almost nothing in common with the movie. It fails as an adaptation. <br />
<br />
But I hate to say it, but it isn't completely horrible, just because it's completely freaking <i>crazy</i>. If this episode sets the standard for what this show has to offer, then good <b>god</b>. It's obviously not taking itself seriously, therefore effectively placing it in the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog category so, I don't know, maybe someone will find this amusing. I sort of did, but it wasn't enough to convince me to become a fan and watch this for enjoyment.<br />
<br />
As for me, though. I know what I'm going to watch if I want to watch something related to Jim Carrey properties. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PyweoNYGe0g/TmmodvCDqLI/AAAAAAAABM8/GItmyJwG-Gg/s1600/themask.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="298" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PyweoNYGe0g/TmmodvCDqLI/AAAAAAAABM8/GItmyJwG-Gg/s400/themask.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><i><br />
Aw yeah...</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-32549851513240469932012-02-08T13:46:00.000-08:002012-02-11T10:42:56.426-08:00Happily Ever After (1993 film) - Part 4 (Final Part)<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/11/happily-ever-after-part-1.html">Part 1.</a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/11/happily-ever-after-1993-film-part-2.html">Part 2.</a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2012/01/happily-ever-after-1993-film-part-3.html">Part 3.</a></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5ra2ZnGAj8/TrziHZ6UosI/AAAAAAAACwk/l2EirmynJek/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5ra2ZnGAj8/TrziHZ6UosI/AAAAAAAACwk/l2EirmynJek/s400/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="277" /></a></div><br />
I was really slacking off on writing this, but in my defense, I thought I'd be really clever in finishing up this movie this month since February was the month of love and all that.<br />
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Now, normally, I reserve this space for one again mentioning that this movie is weird (as if you really need me telling you that), this movie is still a guilty pleasure of mine, it was a big favorite of me growing up, various excuses to make myself feel better for liking this stupid movie, yadda yadda yadda, but I have a very special treat in store for my readers for this final part of Happily Ever After.<br />
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While I was writing the post up for Part 3, I learned that there is an honest to god Happily Ever After <i>videogame. </i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tr00FP1y1FE/TwuERureP6I/AAAAAAAAD1Q/0SyBWtYUd_w/s1600/happilyeveraftergame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tr00FP1y1FE/TwuERureP6I/AAAAAAAAD1Q/0SyBWtYUd_w/s1600/happilyeveraftergame.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This might be the greatest thing I've ever seen.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>From what I've seen from the gameplay videos, it's your typical mediocre sidescroller platformer game that was extremely popular during the 16-bit era that gives you the option to play as either Snow White or Shadow Man, and for some reason the first level of the game involves throwing apples at oversized caterpillars when I'm positive<i> that</i> wasn't in the movie, but you know what? I want this game. Not just want, but need. Crave. Thirst. I don't even own a working Super Nintendo right now (at least until I run into one at a swap meet or something) and I desire to own this magnificent cartridge so that I can go up to random strangers and tell them that I, this humble writer of this humble cartoon blog, own Happily Ever After: THE VIDEOGAME.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKbpnu4-cs6zxsykxlKe4lm9-ojLyZYlbg-2ms5mBh8gDNncXMAH3DMysk3B6rYzX5F7frRfe9WpGeJNrmeo05bJKCVUHcp4h53uCvZtVt-eAWs7T7sJ6XvvmTcVj7RfpmzI8xfvHi8MI/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKbpnu4-cs6zxsykxlKe4lm9-ojLyZYlbg-2ms5mBh8gDNncXMAH3DMysk3B6rYzX5F7frRfe9WpGeJNrmeo05bJKCVUHcp4h53uCvZtVt-eAWs7T7sJ6XvvmTcVj7RfpmzI8xfvHi8MI/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, remember the part of the movie where Snow White climbed on a giant beanstalk <br />
and watched Scowl drop bunches of grapes on her?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But you're not here to hear me talk about videogames. You're here to hear me talk about cartoons. Okay, fine. Have it your way, expecting me to talk about nothing but cartoons on a blog titled "Nothing But Cartoons". I might as well conclude the daring chapter that is me nitpicking every last minute of this film once I get into...<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Happily Ever After Part 4</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e3Kr_UBWLT0/TtRlXzJetNI/AAAAAAAADII/-33nGSYqhUs/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e3Kr_UBWLT0/TtRlXzJetNI/AAAAAAAADII/-33nGSYqhUs/s400/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">When we last left Snow White and her friends, who happen to be on the quest to kill a blue-skinned man who can turn into a "horrid bird", they had, after receiving their blessings from Phyllis Diller, traveled through a cave to enter The Realm of <i><b>DOOM!</b></i> Along the way, they met the cleverly named Shadow Man, a hideously deformed yet amazing goblin of a man who bares more than a passing resemblance to Orko from He-Man. And, despite his grotesque appearance and his inability to say anything more elaborate than "No!" and "Get back!", he's really a good guy, because he ends up helping Snow White and her seven useless companions (considering the Dwarfelles contributed absolutely nothing to the plot other than name recognition) escape from weird, disturbing rhino-wolves Lord Maliss (who is related to the Wicked Queen and wants Snow White dead or whatever, his motives for revenge kind of deteriorate over time) sent after them. Meanwhile, Malcolm McDowell entertained himself by torturing an owl and yelling at a mirror with a face glued to it. And fun times were had by all.<br />
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Basically all Part 3 did, because it honestly didn't have very many things happen in it compared to the first two parts I did, was reinforce what I already knew about this cartoon; that they're not even going to <i>try </i>to make any of these have any sort of logic, nor are they going to have this be at all similar to the fairy tale this is based on, beyond having seven dwarfs and a character named Snow White. But since this cartoon has just introduced Shadow Man and made him a major player in this production, and anything Shadow Man does (except for getting his foot trapped underneath a rock) is going to be awesome, I'm going to allow this. <br />
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And speaking of the Shadow Man, what a better way to start this post than to talk about the most famous scene in the entire movie, the one that made everyone with two X-chromosomes go "D'awwww..." and draw shipping art involving him. If you've seen this movie and happened to be a girl, chances are, <i>this</i> is what left an impact. Ignoring the frightening, mind-scarring imagery involving dead queens of course. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM8T-yUfIPJnqrUu8ufD3yaGmQcRx5mhrOHF9lsRWO2_wk_cer6Kd3fJLzGDYsg9H1N705HjKye68Let7y79sQWGODWg0u-hYWhyphenhyphenilZpZKKvGErDDbcdLTcVJ2mZFxNsBFMNrzcqM4qOA/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM8T-yUfIPJnqrUu8ufD3yaGmQcRx5mhrOHF9lsRWO2_wk_cer6Kd3fJLzGDYsg9H1N705HjKye68Let7y79sQWGODWg0u-hYWhyphenhyphenilZpZKKvGErDDbcdLTcVJ2mZFxNsBFMNrzcqM4qOA/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Note the tree branch and the rocks make a broken heart. Actual subtlety in a Filmation cartoon?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>What happens is that after Shadow Man saves them from the wolves and the entire group passes out by the camp fire (and I mean this <i>literally</i> with the Dwarfelles; some of them look like they're dead while the camera does a pan), he decides to mysteriously flee into the night for some strange, never-explained reason. But since limping away while smacking the ground with a walking cane isn't exactly the stealthiest escape in the world, Snow White wakes up, sees him, and chases after him, conveniently eliminating the Dwarfelles from the scene that follows. <br />
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And, since there won't be a Moonbeam or a Marina to foul up the air with their auras of wasted potential, what follows is a surprisingly tender moment between Snow White and the Shadow Man as she thanks him for everything he's done. She gives him what is basically a ten page term paper on how she knew he was trying to protect them back at the cave and how grateful she is to have such a great friend with creepy fingernails and grimy hobo clothes. And, while she's thanking him, Shadow <strike>the Hedgehog</strike> just gets more and more embarrassed, as if he's unsure if Snow White's just luring him into a false sense of security before she makes with the horrible beatings. Poor guy can't handle compliments too well. <br />
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I also have to say that the scene where the Shadow Man listens to Snow White ramble on about how he's been watching over her has some surprisingly good animation while the malformed little goblin turns in space. It's probably rotoscoped (Snow White sometimes slips into it, which is ironic because that's what her Disney counterpart is known for) but it's still surprising to see honest to god <i>good</i> animation in this film.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0DBZwLeVK4TU3mfYH-dX1gcPKG-SJdEkurwK4ImnKJpzAosoCtc8S7aJt8W3pP9XR8RMNKfjdiwiRJF85aJxUAmdzz463uVL4Ew047Fzfnzb_R4bTpWGnBPgLq72oZXzzghnDjzIjhrg/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0DBZwLeVK4TU3mfYH-dX1gcPKG-SJdEkurwK4ImnKJpzAosoCtc8S7aJt8W3pP9XR8RMNKfjdiwiRJF85aJxUAmdzz463uVL4Ew047Fzfnzb_R4bTpWGnBPgLq72oZXzzghnDjzIjhrg/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqExrsDB9GjQRP7yot8KoNo3DiZmOqT_mOZqzoY9Udmnk3ep7oHbEk741ENqyG10nEI_f7zvikIafqo6axASaVlzWjhumi-Z2gKM5ODdhNV5IY0UpTaPc8jCNlehceEx9Tk8LSg1g0GOw/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqExrsDB9GjQRP7yot8KoNo3DiZmOqT_mOZqzoY9Udmnk3ep7oHbEk741ENqyG10nEI_f7zvikIafqo6axASaVlzWjhumi-Z2gKM5ODdhNV5IY0UpTaPc8jCNlehceEx9Tk8LSg1g0GOw/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Seriously, just what the hell are you? Goblin? Boggart? Dryad? Kobold? Come on, level with me here!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Before Shadow Man can respond to these kind words, possibly with a gruff "Get back!" or a "No!" (the only three words in his vocabulary), The Dwarfelles notice her absence and call for her, which means she has to head back. I like how the Dwarfelles, who were entrusted with guarding Snow White by Mother Nature herself, don't even notice when she completely wanders away from camp <i>even though there's seven of them</i>. I'm beginning to see why there's an issue about them losing their job. I would love to see their performance reviews. <br />
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So while she travels back to camp, she offers for the Shadow Man to come with them and help them on their magnificent quest of killing an overdramatic man in a bad Renn Faire getup. At first, he follows, until he spots a lake and stops in his tracks, as if alarmed by his own reflection. I know this is setting up the overused "hideous monster sees his reflection and then has major feelings of angst about it" scene, but I can't help but wonder how Shadow Man is not aware of how bad he looks <i>when he clearly designed his clothing very carefully so that no one can see him</i>! Unless someone else dressed him, but that just raises further questions.<br />
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Note the backgrounds, by the way. Avant-garde style monochromatic painting is not something that can be easily pulled off, especially when it comes to low-budget animated films that inexplicably got a theatrical release. There is such a thing as too much blue, Lord Maliss! Your Realm of Doom could use a little complementary colors. Or even some purples. <i>Something! </i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxFJPm103HHYKKune0jlLYAvpAgqwZwKvB2wA6Pazb4ook1swKPOeaVUfX2WK_KAIGP_hG8ZF9wCAWy83Psqs8_-BYorBSitfhueYkU6jpbIg1rNrq30EZnUB4yFAn5SuPrGFG21XoUaA/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxFJPm103HHYKKune0jlLYAvpAgqwZwKvB2wA6Pazb4ook1swKPOeaVUfX2WK_KAIGP_hG8ZF9wCAWy83Psqs8_-BYorBSitfhueYkU6jpbIg1rNrq30EZnUB4yFAn5SuPrGFG21XoUaA/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ooh, I just spotted dinner!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When our deformed little hero sees his reflection, something interesting happens. He gasps in pain, starts to cry, recites Linkin Park lyrics in his head, and then actually starts kicking the lake while screaming "No!". That Shadow Man, he always had a way with words. <br />
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As you can tell, this scene is a very glaringly obvious, "Las Vegas casino sign with flashing lights and a half-naked lady" hint as to what happened with the prince. Remember when, about several months ago due to me being lazy and taking my sweet time with these blog posts, Lord Maliss shot the prince with an eye laser that was supposed to do something very special? Yeah, I didn't want to give this away, but since I figured this out at the age of five from this scene I might as well say it. The Shadow Man is the prince. That's why he's protecting Snow White. This was Lord Maliss's punishment. If you were spoiled by this, tough crap, <i>you should've figured this out by now</i>. <br />
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I still like this scene, with its oddly better-than-the-rest-of-the-movie animation and facial expressions. I like to imagine that Filmation only had enough room on their budget for one good animator since crappy ones are easier to pay, and they figured the good animator could deal with Shadow Man's big scene. Which is ironic because he's the one character who people won't notice if he's off-model on account of how butt-ugly he is. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE6tNFrbSfe_YH-1Q0u9W0KAGVv-ar5rhMZlI9zWzVvjopjpHKUsq_ZCo54LotMvbGlKSmA0ZzV8gecqp3XDHspMSgzoq3MiT7qwNxmybq9aV7hoy8o7C3J4oqaQMUW3wK7cgjd6wFhKk/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE6tNFrbSfe_YH-1Q0u9W0KAGVv-ar5rhMZlI9zWzVvjopjpHKUsq_ZCo54LotMvbGlKSmA0ZzV8gecqp3XDHspMSgzoq3MiT7qwNxmybq9aV7hoy8o7C3J4oqaQMUW3wK7cgjd6wFhKk/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheGRsHlT4upuFypx0QeO0_NRrSpCr8x1FiWX8Lc3LrHaLGfB8OLVUtMCTsKyBc64Zg-xFkXeYJ1vXlpE6oN9bJf4tJgmHqp4rDZVPV4_XUAEIIRrJ6YQlOaa8BpW-bdAe1DSbCqbCv7Og/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheGRsHlT4upuFypx0QeO0_NRrSpCr8x1FiWX8Lc3LrHaLGfB8OLVUtMCTsKyBc64Zg-xFkXeYJ1vXlpE6oN9bJf4tJgmHqp4rDZVPV4_XUAEIIRrJ6YQlOaa8BpW-bdAe1DSbCqbCv7Og/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A puddle killed his parents.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Prince, whoops, I mean <i>the Shadow Man</i> is so disgusted by his own reflection (so what, did he not see his face in the water when he was following Snow White through the freaking <i>waterfall</i>?) that he runs off in the opposite direction. This turns out to be a really, really stupid move on his part because Snow White ends up being captured by Lord Maliss shortly afterwards. I love how excellent this timing is because this happened <i>after</i> Snow White gave a touching speech on how the Shadow Man is watching over her and protecting her from danger. Hah hah, <b>ouch</b>.<br />
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Also, Snow White's face will never not be funny to me. Lord Maliss's appearance and then reuse of the same eye laser zapping animation as when he attacked the prince is so surprising that Snow White has decided to bug out her eyes and shove almost all of her fingers into her mouth. Everyone copes with stressful situations differently, I guess.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxnGIr7A6ipbfSil4kU9Ay0skUa2UhXHNfXlkJdNQc9NZicOqQuvgWZnn508WVTBQXvR2-PP6rrs4af6_vDWXqia392yvWHrlYQpFyF0BDrk7d86TwYt16MuC2aXprc4L96llrqrYlmc0/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxnGIr7A6ipbfSil4kU9Ay0skUa2UhXHNfXlkJdNQc9NZicOqQuvgWZnn508WVTBQXvR2-PP6rrs4af6_vDWXqia392yvWHrlYQpFyF0BDrk7d86TwYt16MuC2aXprc4L96llrqrYlmc0/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Snow White's reaction to the box office returns for this movie.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After Lord Maliss actually does something smart by turning into a dragon, catching Snow White by surprise, shooting her with a laser to paralyze her, and then turning back into the dragon to carry her off (holy crap, Lord Maliss actually used logic!), Shadow Man is so frustrated by this that he climbs onto a tall rock, flings his fists in the air, and loudly screams in a way that's both heartbreaking and hilarious. Heartbreakilarious, if you will. <br />
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...totally naming my death metal band that, by the way. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg8vLq7DEmLaXZYt_KoI7hZnSIOY2iBpElGEL2NXbXmvmnzfWIyuM3CFkm_DDL40qiLbpz8IUjwUSbNASK-csP8HVIxEs82GGGrIH6zEnzqmtryZrgcmT20d-Ir2hhyphenhyphenhLK1z1GMBJF7jI/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg8vLq7DEmLaXZYt_KoI7hZnSIOY2iBpElGEL2NXbXmvmnzfWIyuM3CFkm_DDL40qiLbpz8IUjwUSbNASK-csP8HVIxEs82GGGrIH6zEnzqmtryZrgcmT20d-Ir2hhyphenhyphenhLK1z1GMBJF7jI/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shadow Man's reaction to the fact that <b><i>Super Mario Bros.</i></b> had a better opening weekend than this movie.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Dwarfelles are sad that they suck at this whole guarding thing they're supposed to do and decide to fight back. Except for Critterina, who, thanks to the shock that was Lord Maliss outsmarting them, suffered a heart attack and <i> died</i> while standing up, her arms still at their sides due to the amazing effects of dwarf rigor mortis. At least, thanks to the inappropriate facial expression, that's totally what it looks like. It's like this film has ceased taking itself seriously, knows its animation is never going to rise to Disney-level, and decided to just roll with it and attempt to amuse me with silly faces instead. Gotta hand it to you, Filmation. It's working.<br />
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But ignoring Critterina leaving this world (my condolences to that giant rabbit that appeared once during Thunderella's song and never again), <i>why isn't Shadow Man helping them?</i> They have a common enemy and a common goal, and chances are they'll be radically more successful if they work together. Plus, with Shadow Man's amazing ability to push things over, nothing can stop them!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzyilOLnjo25TRviasBVwcd8UL0THbpZlebikO8ImO9sPCFBF4pLXEceWkasAuA1rB0l1dK4oyy4kkzUMCKG7Q8rBp-Z6Wd3c-8-0uk71CTKe4sRsxpmzln8QYmNqphbTrHAcncVJbfvY/s1600/happilyeverafter8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzyilOLnjo25TRviasBVwcd8UL0THbpZlebikO8ImO9sPCFBF4pLXEceWkasAuA1rB0l1dK4oyy4kkzUMCKG7Q8rBp-Z6Wd3c-8-0uk71CTKe4sRsxpmzln8QYmNqphbTrHAcncVJbfvY/s320/happilyeverafter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Muddy, Critterina's stopped breathing."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The film, then realizing that it had a plot thread it needs to tie up before it can get to the serious climax scenes that are sure to follow, then decides to check up on Scowl, who is seriously making sounds that remind me more of someone trying to pass a kidney stone than someone hooting like an owl. It's a simple scene, filled with as many "bad"-related puns as possible and meant to entertain the younger kiddies in the audience, but it does get an honestly funny line from Scowl. Batso, never being able to see the forest for the trees, says that he's worried that Scowl's smoking habit is going to kill him w<i>hile his friend is about ready to fall into a vat of boiling liquid</i>, which causes Scowl to say this. <br />
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"I'm about to be owl stew and he's worried about smoking." <br />
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Okay, points for an decent line with decent line delivery. It's sad that something as simple as this made me giggle, but then again, it's Ed Asner. He's always amazing.<br />
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And Batso's such a dick if he's seriously treating this whole situation like a joke and cracking more bad jokes even when Scowl's about to die. Does he not see the rope, the cauldron of lethal boiling soup, and the fire slowly cutting the rope? <i>Seriously</i>, Batso? This isn't adorable, it's obnoxious!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuQc_WK52QrpWomLGArsXQWyhaLbBEm1I4QDq_5OK0tac_quQUaAWoqbPca66NL6r2UqsfbpAFcLiE8psRCdW7uyZQR8ws8NAWck3VIs6AqL5XT0EmYD9uNAvEUv709-Kx3p6SBslR6RM/s1600/happilyeverafter9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuQc_WK52QrpWomLGArsXQWyhaLbBEm1I4QDq_5OK0tac_quQUaAWoqbPca66NL6r2UqsfbpAFcLiE8psRCdW7uyZQR8ws8NAWck3VIs6AqL5XT0EmYD9uNAvEUv709-Kx3p6SBslR6RM/s320/happilyeverafter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I see you're <i>hanging out</i>, Scowl. You also look a little <i>steamed</i> that you're <i>tied up</i> at the moment. You could even say you're at the <i>end of your rope</i>..."<br />
"Why can't this rope break any faster!?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Long story short, Scowl escapes, but he barely escapes with his life thanks to Batso being either a total dumbass or totally malicious (it's hard to tell if he's honestly dumb or just playing dumb to get a rise out of Scowl sometimes) and once again, America's favorite smoking owl is free, able to live life while complaining about smoking bans in restaurants and loathsomely aggressive cigar taxes. <br />
<br />
I honestly am not at all surprised that Scowl lived, considering the very nature of that booby trap gives him an 100% chance of survival since Lord Maliss just walked away, but in fairness to the cartoon, do you really think Filmation would totally show an owl dying from scalding water onscreen when they're trying to compete with Disney with a pale imitation of one of their films? Not when Scowl has yet to fulfill his role on providing the cartoon with a moral involving smoking! Even though, logically, you can just as easily make a Saturday Morning-style moral on his pride (he sung an entire song on how bad he is) or his constant insistence on helping his superiors when it's obvious his help is going to bring productivity down.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFuDIrzRa8_4ulteBUUTYzjP5qbd9Nhr5xZeURFiJCuCGUVRrAaGWSiGmkyWr0fIRd-OB0CUj1PZNpDgmag-RY0C1pn074aNSfhes8sJRrcvxvPkfOC6hB1oW56H_XSdd1qekrkPPyO0E/s1600/happilyeverafter10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFuDIrzRa8_4ulteBUUTYzjP5qbd9Nhr5xZeURFiJCuCGUVRrAaGWSiGmkyWr0fIRd-OB0CUj1PZNpDgmag-RY0C1pn074aNSfhes8sJRrcvxvPkfOC6hB1oW56H_XSdd1qekrkPPyO0E/s320/happilyeverafter10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hoo boy, what did I do last night?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since his boss did just try to kill him in a rather gruesome fashion, <strike>Archimedes</strike> Scowl decides to leave the castle, saying that he wants to put as much distance between him and Maliss as physically possible. Holy mother of god, you mean to tell me that Scowl actually<i> learned </i>something from how badly Lord Maliss was treating him and figured out that it's not worth the trouble being bossed around by a magic-user whose method of employee feedback involves elaborate death traps? Logically speaking, this is an excellent way to just write Scowl out from the rest of the movie. He could find some other enchanted forest, find a lovely female owl who happens to have a drinking problem, have an entire family of owlets with various lung and liver problems...<br />
<br />
Nah, I'm just kidding. Scowl <i>was</i> going to leave, but then he saw the Dwarfelles approach the castle and now he's seriously going to try one last time to please Lord Maliss even though his boss has just tried to boil him to death. Gotta admire someone with that much lethal persistence. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN6me4BJScRRalwQrSmHeGpgMUdJNDGrVAuPl28JFbXujZA4jj79KdVn4hUCGmo48X26QSVoGu2Wp5icpILxfIkhUShc0pYOzZ4gpgWJg14A14-5gyMiKtX3kJtzXiZP8v9Ak7evbQ5LQ/s1600/happilyeverafter11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN6me4BJScRRalwQrSmHeGpgMUdJNDGrVAuPl28JFbXujZA4jj79KdVn4hUCGmo48X26QSVoGu2Wp5icpILxfIkhUShc0pYOzZ4gpgWJg14A14-5gyMiKtX3kJtzXiZP8v9Ak7evbQ5LQ/s320/happilyeverafter11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yes! I'll try once more to appease the horrifying monster of a man who previously tried to kill me! <b>Brilliant!</b>"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Scowl (and Batso, because he decided he's going to humor his frighteningly reckless companion) is going to please Lord Maliss by...grabbing one of the Dwarfelles while they're gathered at the gates and carrying her to the castle. <br />
<br />
...no offense guys, but if Lord Maliss wanted Dwarfelles, he can just morph into that badass dragon/wyvern/horrid bird thing. Just sayin'.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqZRCV7MdhGhQWL_claUeQI1WmOUIo9B5fYFPJdwm26vJnoPz_0kGo02ntiY9ojY0pmkEI-8eqFgBBALRPOPLBFshQt5zcvrBDmwkNZaohQWygRdnSLKMRrAja31bDUrv6dInXeU3ILKY/s1600/happilyeverafter12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqZRCV7MdhGhQWL_claUeQI1WmOUIo9B5fYFPJdwm26vJnoPz_0kGo02ntiY9ojY0pmkEI-8eqFgBBALRPOPLBFshQt5zcvrBDmwkNZaohQWygRdnSLKMRrAja31bDUrv6dInXeU3ILKY/s320/happilyeverafter12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ladies and gentlemen, direct your attention to Blossom's face.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And while they somehow manage to carry Sunburn through the air without her slipping out of her dress, Scowl temporarily morphs into a terrifying demonic entity in a weird "blink and you'll miss it" part of the scene where they completely botch the color of Scowl's eyes. <br />
<br />
I'm not sure what the hell is up with the animation for this last act, but the characters get off-model a lot more often, but with the added bonus of having slightly smoother if a lot more cartoony animation. Seriously, after the scene with the Shadow Man at the lake, it's like the movie is handled by an entirely different studio. One that likes to animate deformed Dwarfelles and satanic owls.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEcUSAhQS80HN7t2a_wBF5Y3Ll3F67H6ilpQxGOdRIYAOEMTz-ajDUk7yBxDGYK1twUIEF2NuMysAzsjPmTFS2zTmmMht0M2ERFlR3zR36oOlsB4vPiYR17ji4zB9ofI-BI0wCUBx4fws/s1600/happilyeverafter13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEcUSAhQS80HN7t2a_wBF5Y3Ll3F67H6ilpQxGOdRIYAOEMTz-ajDUk7yBxDGYK1twUIEF2NuMysAzsjPmTFS2zTmmMht0M2ERFlR3zR36oOlsB4vPiYR17ji4zB9ofI-BI0wCUBx4fws/s320/happilyeverafter13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You imbecile! That's not an 'Adequate Pipe'. It's an AQUEDUCT PIPE!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>They try their best to carry the post-op Heat Miser to Lord Maliss's wing (and really, they could've had a lot easier time grabbing literally <i>any other dwarf than Sunburn</i>), but since they're mere animals carrying a fat porkroast of a woman, all their plan does is drop Sunburn right next to the drawbridge mechanisms, allowing the Dwarfelles to get into the castle to save Snow White. <br />
<br />
Or, to put this in different words, Scowl totally doomed his master's plan and is the reason why the day ends up getting saved in the end, all because he couldn't resist taking one final stab at being bad. And this hasn't been the only time Scowl's accidentally prevented Lord Maliss from killing Snow White. <i>Good job</i>, Scowl!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKvdvaC0XTqmhcxa0imy49KDAulYh-klXWaHSUJ8m975qQfkgYvACglp_cGiFSnh1qLGYD5emC6dc9f_zLIB1PPLGQ9Bp7SjYcfLIVgUwvRje-UsrRQphTiTXpW7-YONn8EuMyreqjKqo/s1600/happilyeverafter14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKvdvaC0XTqmhcxa0imy49KDAulYh-klXWaHSUJ8m975qQfkgYvACglp_cGiFSnh1qLGYD5emC6dc9f_zLIB1PPLGQ9Bp7SjYcfLIVgUwvRje-UsrRQphTiTXpW7-YONn8EuMyreqjKqo/s320/happilyeverafter14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All she needs is a deep fat fryer and she'll be eating well tonight.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Once the Dwarfelles storm the castle, the animated film decides to, like Lord Maliss, use black magic to magically change form. Only instead of turning into a <strike>dragon</strike> horrid bird, the cartoon turns into a pale imitation of a Looney Tunes short. See, what happens is that once the Dwarfelles are inside the evil castle, several evil minions that are instantly recognizable from the opening scenes try to stop them, and props like falling chandeliers and suits of armor are used to quickly dispatch the Queen's useless evil minions. Not much to say here, other than if you're aware of the names "Warner Bros." or even "Hannah-Barbera", then you've probably seen these sight gags in other, better cartoons. Hell, they even managed to work in a spiral staircase gag! I was surprised they had enough restraint to avoid using banana cream pies or falling anvils. <br />
<br />
This scene also gets pretty depressing once you realize that <i>this</i> was supposedly the scene that shows off exactly how strong Lord Maliss's army of mutant creatures are. This is the only line of work these creatures are capable of getting in this kingdom (because I really doubt a giant crocodile monster can receive a blacksmith apprenticeship) and they absolutely suck at their job. All they wanted was the approval of a tyrant with knee-high boots! Now all they can do now is wait for some band of heroes to slay them in a random encounter and loot their bodies for gil and rare item drops. <br />
<br />
Although this is a good explanation why Lord Maliss didn't send any of these mutants after Snow White earlier. It's like he realized his sister left him some pretty pisspoor evil minions and said "To hell with it, I'm using wolves with ridiculous rhino horns".<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxuShWrBSdMyKPM_lLX6rUasc3JZp3oA_UEDpahRLfl5r-gVXV3FF59cILMVRynOj6HuL4Cs70RHdz8PRBo8NXLMdp_R4l3d5LoAMQPQNPIZuhT4T9JvjDoZT8TEf9rRTLnOnrzXCPwfA/s1600/happilyeverafter15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxuShWrBSdMyKPM_lLX6rUasc3JZp3oA_UEDpahRLfl5r-gVXV3FF59cILMVRynOj6HuL4Cs70RHdz8PRBo8NXLMdp_R4l3d5LoAMQPQNPIZuhT4T9JvjDoZT8TEf9rRTLnOnrzXCPwfA/s320/happilyeverafter15.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBFobf7sTWKawtLgCpons4SwVDgYjn1tje2y_WeikuPHk_jpkMImhErkOU7PTEoil5V4yOwSkocqLs6Uz2R7JyC1dNfwVG2Dt_fPS-5egm75Uc-vPWgfX74k4yNLC4UI7bPSjdgsBzzi0/s1600/happilyeverafter16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBFobf7sTWKawtLgCpons4SwVDgYjn1tje2y_WeikuPHk_jpkMImhErkOU7PTEoil5V4yOwSkocqLs6Uz2R7JyC1dNfwVG2Dt_fPS-5egm75Uc-vPWgfX74k4yNLC4UI7bPSjdgsBzzi0/s320/happilyeverafter16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I swear I've seen that pink monster in Felix the Cat: The Movie...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After that scene of pointlessness ends, we get Snow White, who is doing what she does best; passing out in random places, only to wake up in a brand new set piece. But wait! This time, The Prince is standing over her! Hooray, she discovered the prince!<br />
<br />
...by fainting while being carried off in the air by a random dragon and it's not really explained why Lord Maliss would just let his prisoners roam around his castle without being locked up or heavily guarded and this is totally a trap, isn't it.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrA-_Mk3ayt9UVcI6alaTucRtJA3hLtxMyc_tpk8fNVoPt-1EeTLbcFKZxPhL6kmHmadrNCtj3aAYLQfzot4yVfzs84bGm5lwN3Hmq7Sa_KBifi3oeRzedoTHCmZSoNZX_Bfckos9A7hU/s1600/happilyeverafter17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrA-_Mk3ayt9UVcI6alaTucRtJA3hLtxMyc_tpk8fNVoPt-1EeTLbcFKZxPhL6kmHmadrNCtj3aAYLQfzot4yVfzs84bGm5lwN3Hmq7Sa_KBifi3oeRzedoTHCmZSoNZX_Bfckos9A7hU/s320/happilyeverafter17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Prince is admiring the penis he drew on her forehead with permanent marker.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When Snow White wakes up, overjoyed that she somehow managed to save her prince from Lord Maliss by being kidnapped by Lord Maliss and then passing out. However, even though these two are completely alone and are supposedly about ready to be married, Snow White still calls him "my prince" as opposed to any first name. Geez. Poor guy either doesn't have a name or is seriously named Prince, meaning that I can now picture him singing "When Doves Cry". <br />
<br />
The Prince (who, spoiler alert, isn't really the prince) is all kinds of amazing in this scene, because nothing's funnier than seeing the object of Snow White's affections treating her pretty rudely and just hauling her around like a sack of company-destroying potatoes. Unlike the previous scene with the Prince in them where all he exhibited was love for his future wife and later righteous fury over a wyvern hauling his bride away, <i>this</i> Prince acts like the mere act of breathing the same air as Snow White is a laborious chore not worth his time, and man does his face reflect that. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivSRPkKqSouubA0eApN2RIGTxYGeAssKwcU-Lv7klNRbJa5ItAMO717IxM_bKsygVW3uFCWTDfVRpTQyLduB2MdBCcVvhsvM2EpCHVCgNScgNcpuc-0BTE1XM3fHAvA4PaP9A0i69xJGA/s1600/happilyeverafter18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivSRPkKqSouubA0eApN2RIGTxYGeAssKwcU-Lv7klNRbJa5ItAMO717IxM_bKsygVW3uFCWTDfVRpTQyLduB2MdBCcVvhsvM2EpCHVCgNScgNcpuc-0BTE1XM3fHAvA4PaP9A0i69xJGA/s320/happilyeverafter18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Come on, you dumb broad. Get your ditzy ass up so that we can get this stupid wedding over with."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In fact, the Prince is so rude and surly that he even adopts the same sneer that's snuck its way onto a certain someone's face on more than one occasion. Hell, I could even go the extra mile and say that all you have to do is imagine the prince with a mustache, green skin, maybe a little eyeshadow, and Malcolm McDowell's voice and you can immediately figure out what is going on here.<br />
<br />
As you can probably guess, a certain dragon-y being that loves chewing the scenery and wearing pink is trying his hand at a different kind of spell. One that, in my opinion, seems like such a big waste of everyone's time because if he wanted to transport Snow White somewhere, all he has to do is whip out his eyebeams. I guess it's kind of a clever allusion to how the Wicked Queen fooled Ms. White into eating an apple laced with rat poison by using a disguise, but then that brings up the question as to why Lord Maliss isn't even <i>trying</i> to pretend like he's the Prince here. It's a good thing Snow White is so consumed by the power of One True Love to notice any bizarre behavioral changes in her significant other or else this plan never would've worked. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig5tVQ1H9KYQpZER0xEWnn4e3LBicOGyBMYJnSMMF95KXTsYxcOs-y85qzqVtTtyT_eISQNtp2X3qrrez7W3zBSxfD8iTvU039P3xsfEvX0MCl9iIfT5vdu2duvE9fXTmKp_cBVLW8nlg/s1600/happilyeverafter19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig5tVQ1H9KYQpZER0xEWnn4e3LBicOGyBMYJnSMMF95KXTsYxcOs-y85qzqVtTtyT_eISQNtp2X3qrrez7W3zBSxfD8iTvU039P3xsfEvX0MCl9iIfT5vdu2duvE9fXTmKp_cBVLW8nlg/s320/happilyeverafter19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Damn right I'm awesome."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Lord Maliss, whoops, I mean <i>The Prince</i> then uses a secret passageway to take Snow White to their special hiding place that totally isn't a trap. Again, the damsel in future distress doesn't even question how The Prince knows of this secret passageway or where it leads, because she's a total dumbass. Watching this scene is so frustrating because this takes place after Snow White has demonstrated time and time again that she can use logic and see past appearances; it's like her brain suddenly disappears the moment a man is around to do the thinking for her. Snow White, for the love of all that is holy, your worst enemy can use <i>magic!</i> Thiiiiink! <br />
<br />
Course, I doubt Lord Maliss morphing into the prince ever crossed her mind because he <i>can</i> just turn into a dragon and kill her that way. And yes, I know I've brought up the dragon argument more than once while covering this movie, but it really pokes a hole in every single plot Lord Maliss conceives. Except for the ones that involve turning into a dragon, of course. Because he can turn into a dragon.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEineX5X7XvqAbJqPRcRsCtkKfNl1kFRVtFhIcIS4-FUP3L0nFBO4LTd7yrPeT4CGxMj8jNzoHcJ8n5uPcH6eUzKr6F0jxjrTRMGRCWRnxUUnMvXVrEvLXsh-B5_HLfnEcS3mFJOtRtg5rY/s1600/happilyeverafter20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEineX5X7XvqAbJqPRcRsCtkKfNl1kFRVtFhIcIS4-FUP3L0nFBO4LTd7yrPeT4CGxMj8jNzoHcJ8n5uPcH6eUzKr6F0jxjrTRMGRCWRnxUUnMvXVrEvLXsh-B5_HLfnEcS3mFJOtRtg5rY/s320/happilyeverafter20.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Right after Snow White and Prince Totally-Not-The-Bad-Guy enter the passageway, the Dwarfelles burst into the room, propelled by their own uselessness. The passageway had already shut, but luckily, it turns out The Mirror randomly decided to be a good guy at the last moment and gives them, in riddle, a hint to the secret door. You never hear a reason as to why he wants to help the creatures that he was previously spying on, but to be fair, Lord Maliss <i>was</i> kind of prick to this character for the entire movie. His sudden betrayal isn't totally unfounded.<br />
<br />
Although I'm not sure how this benefits the Magic Mirror. Either way, he's going to be stuck on that wall for the rest of his life, doomed to collect dust and mouse droppings for eons until some earthquake or clumsy rat monster housemaid finally knocks him over and he shatters. He doesn't seem to mind his sedentary life too badly (he never complains about it anyway), but considering he has free will and can make decisions of his own, you can't help but wonder if he's showing kindness to these dwarfs because he secretly wishes they could take him with them. <br />
<br />
...crap, I'm seriously wondering about the life story and feelings of a hunk of glass. I need to take up a more productive hobby. Like smoking. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghatA8MidnZsSd6wgeNT5BCNBIehRnGvucDFwqcWpmOzp6usOKcz_4Il2UdZSiPfz15IWOJX0a7b91AA1dERPnm_ynV0pKrJNUkkjsjrr9yppjbxokNmsZch2MnNKCPrfeFDaLrfyQl7U/s1600/happilyeverafter21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghatA8MidnZsSd6wgeNT5BCNBIehRnGvucDFwqcWpmOzp6usOKcz_4Il2UdZSiPfz15IWOJX0a7b91AA1dERPnm_ynV0pKrJNUkkjsjrr9yppjbxokNmsZch2MnNKCPrfeFDaLrfyQl7U/s320/happilyeverafter21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hello, laaaaadies..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The riddle happened to be "Beneath the queen, a secret door", by the way. It's not something The Riddler would use, but since this scene really isn't that pivotal to the plot, it'll have to do. Although I'm not sure why The Magic Mirror (does he even have a name?) couldn't just say "There's a secret door underneath the statue of the Queen's head!" in rhyme, but I guess he wanted to give the little woodland gnomes <i>some</i> feeling of accomplishment. <br />
<br />
Luckily, the Dwarfelles are, despite their actions throughout this entire flick, not as stupid as they look and actually manage to solve the riddle pretty quickly. Now if only they used that brand of logic earlier when Shadow Man was trying to help them earlier with the wolves.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhtirWKjbuc1Nj7VA3xg7qt-xxTepZAuOjfy1vTGm0v2rsj8OICM24C8cU513SzZF2NjI8OnL0GFYD1uitI5aiYrlObyMh01a47hjivx6UxSFgNTQjBUjg6Cd4vFBSNDc6LqArzPpHsQo/s1600/happilyeverafter22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhtirWKjbuc1Nj7VA3xg7qt-xxTepZAuOjfy1vTGm0v2rsj8OICM24C8cU513SzZF2NjI8OnL0GFYD1uitI5aiYrlObyMh01a47hjivx6UxSFgNTQjBUjg6Cd4vFBSNDc6LqArzPpHsQo/s320/happilyeverafter22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I wonder how much I can get for this thing on eBay?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and there's a very awkward scene where Blossom flirts with the Magic Mirror in her Zsa Zsa Gabor voice and actually kisses him for being so nice to the Dwarfelles. Now, normally this wouldn't be a big scene at all, and I would've only noted it with a simple "Gross" before continuing to write a huge paragraph on Magic Mirror's sex life, but consider the fact that Blossom really hasn't done anything else in this movie. Sunburn's big scene was to open up the drawbridge, Thunderella gets her own theme song, and Blossom's shining moment is when she makes out with a sentient piece of furniture. That's just <i>depressing</i>. To make this scene even worse, note the placement of Blossom's lips when she kisses him. Now it's depressing and gross all at the same time.<br />
<br />
Although, lip service aside, it would've been an incredibly funny scene if Blossom kissed him and suddenly the Magic Mirror changed into a handsome prince himself, on account of True Love's First Kiss breaking a spell that the Magic Mirror just plain forgot about after all of these years.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCKTYB2hSBiexUH9hx_1uJFWeBBfKcnWuQgh7LOA9px0ULnpbKaxsu-1hwJYBNx45vZugvbVnBEDxamWALVOKC4qDrxjOKHhRgd1L3TJ1kv_91l9LgwDqIV0uZtt7toAnZMek5lG0ojI0/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCKTYB2hSBiexUH9hx_1uJFWeBBfKcnWuQgh7LOA9px0ULnpbKaxsu-1hwJYBNx45vZugvbVnBEDxamWALVOKC4qDrxjOKHhRgd1L3TJ1kv_91l9LgwDqIV0uZtt7toAnZMek5lG0ojI0/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The most action he's had in <i>years</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, Snow White is being dragged around by "The Prince", who, instead of taking them home, decides to take them to a mysterious structure built into the castle while walking on pathways that look extremely unsafe and impractical with their lack of railings. Resembling an arena and surrounded in mysterious statues of different creatures, this place just screams either "Final Boss Battle" or "Medieval Pokemon Stadium" in terms of setup, and it seems like the exact opposite of a hiding place considering it's out in the open and is the most conspicuous building in the entire structure. <i>And yet Snow White is not at all suspicious by this.</i> Don't make me get an image macro with Admiral Ackbar, Snow White. God help me, I'll do it! <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipXBzTJaXzoO52ThyRHL_mwuwcms-VQB2H2i1LeJsKKajkyyDDD3EALlJiDXO6QBnG6rYwViVQ_RoOqhiT0Lwylfj0nEmQ1o_XkDy2GruuPzo8PQ1eYVuQwVIegSiX8WZ6guOgxkDjit8/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipXBzTJaXzoO52ThyRHL_mwuwcms-VQB2H2i1LeJsKKajkyyDDD3EALlJiDXO6QBnG6rYwViVQ_RoOqhiT0Lwylfj0nEmQ1o_XkDy2GruuPzo8PQ1eYVuQwVIegSiX8WZ6guOgxkDjit8/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXvFdohwSCUCQ-W9Hqb2nTqvfOdAKYMldZ_nglcOVEPKJW45_GK-yk40S2RQRGOax8pdZw0qOdZyI-MSPQNO6Vylezpd9vKJxJpuXscyd1lH3Sq5_tnO9Hf7qoa1zKbHINa33xWYgRjT8/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXvFdohwSCUCQ-W9Hqb2nTqvfOdAKYMldZ_nglcOVEPKJW45_GK-yk40S2RQRGOax8pdZw0qOdZyI-MSPQNO6Vylezpd9vKJxJpuXscyd1lH3Sq5_tnO9Hf7qoa1zKbHINa33xWYgRjT8/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So why did the Wicked Queen have this building in her castle...?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>You gotta love Lord BadDisguise's choice of logic he force-feeds to the dumb princess in order to get her to cooperate. Since he's her beloved prince, Snow White has to trust him. Okaaay. Can't argue with that, I guess.<br />
<br />
And is it wrong that I find The Prince hotter this way? He's now like if Groose from Skyward Sword, Gaston, and He-Man were all shoved into a teleportation pod and fused together in a hideous science experiment gone wrong, and now that horrible creation is committing crimes against modern decency with his deadly sneers. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGxOxSJDuxgVTwdcRp1l7Jhp4c0ZFzWNpamdaGsRtL2Hs1Nd33V1HDLh33ewuZjK5kRKQRTwJuCZEA3uzGF8niGs3u8BWHiRcGAcARyNbcdjgF9RbdgNB_cmr5S1A0AIANfzvRPIV77Gs/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGxOxSJDuxgVTwdcRp1l7Jhp4c0ZFzWNpamdaGsRtL2Hs1Nd33V1HDLh33ewuZjK5kRKQRTwJuCZEA3uzGF8niGs3u8BWHiRcGAcARyNbcdjgF9RbdgNB_cmr5S1A0AIANfzvRPIV77Gs/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbGrskhK2PeDpfidb3YjWG58Ukzlb1wbnxrDjHfAuWGVYW35Zd79SIEynl2sVAGgN_m6bZX0tcit-0knqW5NU4vX7on3W-12ZdRbabUjuNhOk_GiFJWnEf6s64PjI5pJ5R-qaFTpvovH0/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbGrskhK2PeDpfidb3YjWG58Ukzlb1wbnxrDjHfAuWGVYW35Zd79SIEynl2sVAGgN_m6bZX0tcit-0knqW5NU4vX7on3W-12ZdRbabUjuNhOk_GiFJWnEf6s64PjI5pJ5R-qaFTpvovH0/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs, every morning to help me get large."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And in case you haven't caught on that he's Lord Maliss, his eyes even glow. <br />
<br />
Well, this is clearly the best disguise ever. He looks and acts just like the Prince and is able to come up with very compelling arguments as to why he's leading our main female lead to where the final climatic battle is going to be. I <i>was</i> going to sarcastically say "Snow White will never suspect a thing", but she never does. And then I felt really bad for this poor kingdom, because this woman is going to be crowned queen very soon.<br />
<br />
But it could be worse. Lord Maliss could be dressed up as an old lady right now and trying to hand her an apple. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCK8UQFPgng0iw9_c_h41jGeYMu8LCyGWjL-TxSINAz8pU8G3DJsGNsAvyR7y1q1fuTiYqISh6IXAejhaYvSvaas5Th0kOEGcT5c2Qqp_ZCG8_bszsDfFdfzy3SIWwRZ-GoxgUAysQJvE/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCK8UQFPgng0iw9_c_h41jGeYMu8LCyGWjL-TxSINAz8pU8G3DJsGNsAvyR7y1q1fuTiYqISh6IXAejhaYvSvaas5Th0kOEGcT5c2Qqp_ZCG8_bszsDfFdfzy3SIWwRZ-GoxgUAysQJvE/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although, considering Lord Maliss, he could totally pull the old lady look off.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, while the audience is wondering just how stupid Snow White can get, the cartoon suddenly veers off course and takes a sharp turn for the creepy when we learn the reason why Lord Maliss hasn't killed Snow White yet, the reason he hasn't just turned into a dragon, bitten her head off, and then urinated on her decapitated, bleeding corpse as it lay twitching at his feet. Instead, he wants to be classy and he wants to display her body on a pedestal and have her corpse look out to the countryside forever. This is probably one of the plot points people actually remember from this film, because this is a surprisingly decent twist. Most of the Disney villains just want the main heroes dead. They never want to turn their foes' dead bodies into decoration. Lord Maliss is a real trendsetter.<br />
<br />
But despite that, I still have a question for Mr. Maliss. Lord Maliss, you were a dragon earlier. Hell, that's why Snow White is at the castle right now. <i>So why the hell didn't you just drop her off near here</i>? Was the notion of playing with her mind just too much to resist? I guess you can say that making Snow White hate the one person she loves the most right before you kill her makes the revenge plot all the sweeter, but sometimes you need to go for the more direct approach.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggSQk0pO2b6ae7WMJt9D82dVGtExuHjvWWn15n-5U6zWDDB43u3AALfI1wPM9QOmik3ltmXYgdA7bKJa3Nu0Ixr0jWQNBZfHrtHWfWS-fQXbRsqGUDQZnYkj35_vISKrdslyTP2sIkhEI/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggSQk0pO2b6ae7WMJt9D82dVGtExuHjvWWn15n-5U6zWDDB43u3AALfI1wPM9QOmik3ltmXYgdA7bKJa3Nu0Ixr0jWQNBZfHrtHWfWS-fQXbRsqGUDQZnYkj35_vISKrdslyTP2sIkhEI/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizDMo6qNr0QaJGRKJy08cNaOAF6oNSXs4rdRf99InruhiQ-xI98brXv0UKdIekAdiE1zQoo70QqCgndidw8Ki2iK5f2rDNrtlxUwrt69AlWPLs01q1qyt2Ydz09PDTitlJot24xKnkxTc/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizDMo6qNr0QaJGRKJy08cNaOAF6oNSXs4rdRf99InruhiQ-xI98brXv0UKdIekAdiE1zQoo70QqCgndidw8Ki2iK5f2rDNrtlxUwrt69AlWPLs01q1qyt2Ydz09PDTitlJot24xKnkxTc/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm really sad that Lord Maliss didn't use a glass coffin because that would've been <i>awesome</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Snow White's reaction to this is...very apt, to say the least. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbBX6wWHcN90L2Vno36h_P40yYrJOgmJeZ1vjaDuAVxyULwk6ndYTgG3o0inFr_SEWGeuO2r7JK4RldhQkW9SiOhFLvHVtUm621XEvf58Ua2xX867AVvQQq0yi9N3Cf9m9UxZQEnu4wSo/s1600/happilyeverafter8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbBX6wWHcN90L2Vno36h_P40yYrJOgmJeZ1vjaDuAVxyULwk6ndYTgG3o0inFr_SEWGeuO2r7JK4RldhQkW9SiOhFLvHVtUm621XEvf58Ua2xX867AVvQQq0yi9N3Cf9m9UxZQEnu4wSo/s320/happilyeverafter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">D8</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That's when Lord Maliss belts some fantastic evil laughter, turns back to his original form, and says "You'll never see your prince agaaaaaaaaaain!" while breaking out into a huge, villainous grin like he just had an evilgasm. Hell freaking <i>yes</i>. Lord Maliss, never stop being awesome. I don't care if you have no idea how to act in a subtle fashion; it's clearly obvious that both you and your voice-actor are enjoying every minute of your job. And for that, Lord Maliss deserves a spot in the pantheon of great villains, alongside Shredder, Cobra Commander, and Professor Coldheart. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj1CHpp-tANtmNJBEiSEhIzVxVX_oiiOplJ3bItVIKSJI-bJgNqZHqr3XEw2mCByIKyhyOi_FBKcAgfGY9CrF1TFZ6c_LSV_fl7AjpF5hR7nx0obSzlTSJAs6nejMM4qVXS1yw-hLDdSk/s1600/happilyeverafter9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj1CHpp-tANtmNJBEiSEhIzVxVX_oiiOplJ3bItVIKSJI-bJgNqZHqr3XEw2mCByIKyhyOi_FBKcAgfGY9CrF1TFZ6c_LSV_fl7AjpF5hR7nx0obSzlTSJAs6nejMM4qVXS1yw-hLDdSk/s320/happilyeverafter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The biggest disappointment I have involving this film is the fact that Lord Maliss never got to sing a villain song.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then, the scariest thing in the entire damn film shows up. See that cloak Lord SubtleActing is holding? See that statue that resembles that two-headed bird monster from the opening scene? Now, Lord Maliss isn't just going to kill Snow White and have her corpse slowly putrefy on that neat little marble pedestal he bought from the home shopping network, nor is he going to try to find a taxidermist that's willing to work with a human body. Instead, Lord Maliss has, in his possession, <i>a cloak that can turn people into stone</i>. <br />
<br />
And now, a moment of silence for the weird horned bird with two heads. The fact that a minion basically <b>dies</b> off-screen is rather unnerving if you dwell on it for too long, especially when you realize that the scene where the Dwarfelles were outsmarting the monsters through slapstick had a lot less monster designs in it than the opening scene with the party. Lord Maliss was basically killing creatures with his cloak of evil just for the hell of it. God<i>damn</i>. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVsezuysxkU_665vmBQfno3oQ-AcXPE27Nc7xB6nOjGiHFqGxSbO2LcwJhpbVPYbiBfAg-Zrz7oXqc-8dq-jAhs8ea95UrDodPrawRiv10F853zQhCi8vJ4Q_LbwZNCf3fUjTxqF7h_oc/s1600/happilyeverafter10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVsezuysxkU_665vmBQfno3oQ-AcXPE27Nc7xB6nOjGiHFqGxSbO2LcwJhpbVPYbiBfAg-Zrz7oXqc-8dq-jAhs8ea95UrDodPrawRiv10F853zQhCi8vJ4Q_LbwZNCf3fUjTxqF7h_oc/s320/happilyeverafter10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't ask where he got the cloak; he probably got it the same place where he learned how to turn into a dragon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, you might to be thinking to yourself. That isn't very scary. The Petrify status effect can be easily solved with the right spell. If you're thinking that, you don't understand the nature of this thing, because what makes the cloak scary is when it lands on a random lizard, we learn that the process is not instantaneous or painless. Instead, the poor creature screams in agony while we get to hear a bunch of lovely fleshy and bone-cracking sound effects as the animal slowly fossilizes. <b>Holy crap</b>. <br />
<br />
This is the sort of thing that sticks with a little kid long after the movie is finished. I remember seeing this film for the first time and being unable to completely cover myself with certain blankets for <i>weeks</i>, in fear that one of the red blankets in our house would be my family's special petrification blanket and I'd turn into a statue too. Filmation, why do you hate children so much? <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghzTSAVpbTPj4DJFzIJ-6uAEjj2JAH2cT3NTdy17iYH9CO7C0JhkequtmCoMcvXq6DuupDsoLkGjb_zJYKMGqh0sU_7ROwBJlpe-WnmriLrp7Amg8OCU1QpjxtjBx4zRj2O8YeP3Gt7fM/s1600/happilyeverafter11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghzTSAVpbTPj4DJFzIJ-6uAEjj2JAH2cT3NTdy17iYH9CO7C0JhkequtmCoMcvXq6DuupDsoLkGjb_zJYKMGqh0sU_7ROwBJlpe-WnmriLrp7Amg8OCU1QpjxtjBx4zRj2O8YeP3Gt7fM/s320/happilyeverafter11.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7iSpe0l-X9Ck8wRvEXBWBfbAK9zIqctuG2Oyu9M52MWmvfayfq6npeVOcsu_4OOJAHXnXhD-ZG46AyPhxKHYHlupXsfZWdnrQnxkhV8v7Eo_UPYPTqyXXRz2-jUr1oQKBSiSsiSVLY-E/s1600/happilyeverafter12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7iSpe0l-X9Ck8wRvEXBWBfbAK9zIqctuG2Oyu9M52MWmvfayfq6npeVOcsu_4OOJAHXnXhD-ZG46AyPhxKHYHlupXsfZWdnrQnxkhV8v7Eo_UPYPTqyXXRz2-jUr1oQKBSiSsiSVLY-E/s320/happilyeverafter12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And it was that lizard's last day until retirement too.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, Shadow Man is there to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and he manages to show up before the Dwarfelles do. I guess the reason why he didn't team up with them is because he figured they would only slow him down. I have to say, nothing is more satisfying than seeing the best character in the entire movie descend upon the scene like a deformed little ninja and then use his walking cane as a weapon against Lord Hammy, totally taking the scenery-chewing villain by surprise. Shadow Man for SSB4.<br />
<br />
Now, one of the main reasons I spoiled the big "Shadow Man is the Prince" reveal is so that I have more time to talk about how this punishment is really quite a stupid idea. <i>Clearly</i> the best way to get rid of one of your greatest enemies is to turn him into something that can still fight back, because nothing's better than giving your enemies even more reasons to hate you!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdVD88QIwAth2XQ0dfzgOmNkCDl5t2pM6fBXe6A8HjOY1-2zSiLz3ehj5FFSekN_6WptAt2f_098SAq9fMmsM4Yo52Lft38U8PoI3MZGijirPScP-BA0uJG2c7aHrmHkmsXilamM_Xnek/s1600/happilyeverafter13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdVD88QIwAth2XQ0dfzgOmNkCDl5t2pM6fBXe6A8HjOY1-2zSiLz3ehj5FFSekN_6WptAt2f_098SAq9fMmsM4Yo52Lft38U8PoI3MZGijirPScP-BA0uJG2c7aHrmHkmsXilamM_Xnek/s320/happilyeverafter13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How Shadow Man performs the Heimlich Maneuver.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>There is great moment where, after Lord Maliss uses magic to successfully fight back and temporarily stun the only other character in the movie as awesome as he is, Snow White then runs up to Severus Snape and actually starts pounding her fists into his chest while he stands there, unsure whether to find this amusing or insulting. Mewtwo Strikes Back totally stole this scene and the "major character(s) turning into stone and then being revived by the power of love" scene that's going to inevitably come up later. I just know it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7W4UPSemIpYoJeAEJbhVBIseFTdO_Bve54LwFkHrVejLJKBgU-4DzuEcsTsD2oa9_lFp7IPtxp7Twv3bElwsM68zDUHato_x3Yf3y7O5Q8vDi8uTlVKb50QEleRLoe78OX-46rc0j8Fk/s1600/happilyeverafter14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7W4UPSemIpYoJeAEJbhVBIseFTdO_Bve54LwFkHrVejLJKBgU-4DzuEcsTsD2oa9_lFp7IPtxp7Twv3bElwsM68zDUHato_x3Yf3y7O5Q8vDi8uTlVKb50QEleRLoe78OX-46rc0j8Fk/s320/happilyeverafter14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Die!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As expected, Dick Dastardly uses the really stupid princess's close proximity to his advantage, grabs her, and starts hauling her ass over to the marble podium. <br />
<br />
...well. <i>That</i> was smart, Snow White. I hope you're proud of yourself. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRKLrhUOIQLCdBIg2qGirO4GQ3louraKm_uwbmUqDuk50m3ZvJKqsmdcK79ShaL9c9CmHBhQLuFtz-ROrujjzkaa5Edx8Xk_FGFw3p4xrJhAgedL1Cfs4Ywn8SIRSJ6BRrcgHnLJOz5jI/s1600/happilyeverafter15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRKLrhUOIQLCdBIg2qGirO4GQ3louraKm_uwbmUqDuk50m3ZvJKqsmdcK79ShaL9c9CmHBhQLuFtz-ROrujjzkaa5Edx8Xk_FGFw3p4xrJhAgedL1Cfs4Ywn8SIRSJ6BRrcgHnLJOz5jI/s320/happilyeverafter15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It's all a part of my plan to lure him into a false sense of security!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, Shadow Man tries once again to fight the green-skinned demon-man off, but he's powerless to stop him, because all he's armed is a stick while Lord Maliss has the power of Satan, laser eyes, and heavy metal rock music at his side. Lord Maliss is kind of OP when you really think about it. He's like that dick who shows up to your Dungeons and Dragons session with his majestic Half-Dragon-Half-Half-Elf Paladin and starts godmodding all over the place until the other players quit out of frustration.<br />
<br />
Now, before you think that<i> this</i> is the reason why Lord Maliss cursed the prince, that this spell severely weakened someone who could just run him through with a magic sword or something, remember that the Prince's ass was soundly handed to him at the very beginning by this very same character. The only difference here was that this time, Shadow Man was able to get some hits in. So if anything, Prince NoName is more powerful in this form. Some "special fate", eh Lord Maliss?<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSoW3rZfOwJDQzclOTEbWCeC0_xdPP60ikUNX2BH5IZ9tCBrUCFcHi6HSJv5C6YVkD8rxpYRNnaUwYzvvbtNmLqqR3e0MjSAPdM8yCgAi5wIOvsaf05qmJ7KoEzzNwymcBe11FL1Tlmu8/s1600/happilyeverafter16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSoW3rZfOwJDQzclOTEbWCeC0_xdPP60ikUNX2BH5IZ9tCBrUCFcHi6HSJv5C6YVkD8rxpYRNnaUwYzvvbtNmLqqR3e0MjSAPdM8yCgAi5wIOvsaf05qmJ7KoEzzNwymcBe11FL1Tlmu8/s320/happilyeverafter16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Okay, what was I thinking when I made this curse?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Despite the fact that Lord Maliss clearly has the advantage and is inches away from killing him, that doesn't stop our loveable little goblinbeast from giving off an epic death glare to end all death glares. Now I really wish Shadow Man was in He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. It's really hard saying this character looks like Orko when he's so much cooler than Orko and could probably steal Orko's lunch money without even breaking a sweat.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOx4J3ej1a1P7W9o6VODJkeMHQFQ4vRKD5ehNtYhUznBoeXTFH-iy9UjVGC-B-sryEjbSvyjuidpSXowu1EwKOng16fHhLIdtLBApg4qtDPGkcqMxqkRIFF44hmciiNQoMVSjb1mvzATQ/s1600/happilyeverafter17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOx4J3ej1a1P7W9o6VODJkeMHQFQ4vRKD5ehNtYhUznBoeXTFH-iy9UjVGC-B-sryEjbSvyjuidpSXowu1EwKOng16fHhLIdtLBApg4qtDPGkcqMxqkRIFF44hmciiNQoMVSjb1mvzATQ/s320/happilyeverafter17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shadow Man sees what you did there.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Then, what happens next is a very, <i>very</i> painful to watch scene where Lord Maliss slowly tortures Shadow Man with his lasers (and I realize I keep writing the word lasers, but seriously, what else would you call them?). I say "painful" because, while normally this man would just blast people with his eyes and be done with it, this time, Lord Maliss has to make Shadow Man slooooowly levitate backwards through the air while fittingly medieval music plays in the background. I guess this is how they performed laser eye surgery during the dark ages. Otherwise I see no other reason why this scene is so long, other than to reinforce the whole "Filmation hates children" argument I had earlier. <br />
<br />
I also like how if you look at these last couple of screenshots, Happily Ever After looks like an entirely different movie from the previous parts. Remember when Mother Nature making literal catfish while some ugly sunflower made fun of her, or when Muddy was smearing mud underneath her armpits? Neither do I. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2KHu4JgHplAxwPE_HaTs2rmYDkUOpL5V4xtLjOlGitAjGC0z-vHjseyIHri8FRF3Y9CAFlFX18S7T3jZq1B1EPZVXrFZfnL0gZhiXQ1QY7WgrkDCB8dL1No3MiO73PuZaRtSkVsUZTjQ/s1600/happilyeverafter18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2KHu4JgHplAxwPE_HaTs2rmYDkUOpL5V4xtLjOlGitAjGC0z-vHjseyIHri8FRF3Y9CAFlFX18S7T3jZq1B1EPZVXrFZfnL0gZhiXQ1QY7WgrkDCB8dL1No3MiO73PuZaRtSkVsUZTjQ/s320/happilyeverafter18.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvgmH9h6arOP6tWw7WYVHuUGuTRcLCeJdzNlFS6jZcC8VRX0aWxWstdc1qyGKzjkJaCIbEu53gMszOaMrhLpBJuu65R8X5KGEo-o8I2GfLC1Zsjcn5_RR43NgxS7xRn1f_rWq5haZ9ABE/s1600/happilyeverafter19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvgmH9h6arOP6tWw7WYVHuUGuTRcLCeJdzNlFS6jZcC8VRX0aWxWstdc1qyGKzjkJaCIbEu53gMszOaMrhLpBJuu65R8X5KGEo-o8I2GfLC1Zsjcn5_RR43NgxS7xRn1f_rWq5haZ9ABE/s320/happilyeverafter19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Lord Maliss casts <b>Staring Contest</b> at Shadow Man.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;">Shadow Man suffers <b>300000 Fire</b> damage from Lord Maliss's <b>Staring Contest</b>. (1200 resisted) </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then, Shadow Man dies. In a pretty epic fashion, might I add, because from the looks of it, Lord Maliss's eyebeams basically <i>consumed him from the inside out</i>. I bet you can see why I preferred this movie to the Disney classic as a young child despite the frightening imagery and the cloak of nightmares.<br />
<br />
But still, I can't help but wonder why didn't Lord Maliss do that in any other part of the movie. To kill Scowl, he has to set up an elaborate pulley system that leads to a cauldron and doesn't even stick around to see his death trap do the job, but to kill Shadow Man, he uses his magic powers and he's done. <b>Why the hell didn't he do this to Scowl?</b> It would've been an awesome subversion to have a smoking evil minion sidekick constantly berated by some cutesy bat minion about how he really needs to quit smoking, looking like we're going to get this moral on how smoking is bad for you...and then Lord Maliss nukes his insides. As an added bonus, the heat from the lasers could even make Scowl's cigar light up.<br />
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But I got off-topic. This movie seems to realize how awesome this death is, because right when Shadow Man crashes like a lifeless sack of meat to the ground, lightning flashes. You can almost make a drinking game out of the lightning in this movie, because it's that special cinematic type of dramatic lightning that has to illuminate things just at the right moment.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKUDAs22Xksx-T8av8ucX8BYRFkcneJmWjsop4LcspCQ5Gtur5DBtyJGXHWdJR0VgBztiZtjryZZ_O1bVteQBY0PXECXvPZQkRbbfiTSv4e8XtQuWE_EbOKgIl7nppAypFP96djG9HZmM/s1600/happilyeverafter20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKUDAs22Xksx-T8av8ucX8BYRFkcneJmWjsop4LcspCQ5Gtur5DBtyJGXHWdJR0VgBztiZtjryZZ_O1bVteQBY0PXECXvPZQkRbbfiTSv4e8XtQuWE_EbOKgIl7nppAypFP96djG9HZmM/s320/happilyeverafter20.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguAy8ZlrOgl1-iKuuQdjfp-3w6Jb-lDhoWholo0Ef1N2-ysfRQFfs_d2bX397HI3yv1Jxgn_CpxHrS6bse7BLQbIF0R0YmqzEaEkDzIDNv6Kf60ALBipYZrGy4JnxQTWVctHweTQz7wtY/s1600/happilyeverafter21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguAy8ZlrOgl1-iKuuQdjfp-3w6Jb-lDhoWholo0Ef1N2-ysfRQFfs_d2bX397HI3yv1Jxgn_CpxHrS6bse7BLQbIF0R0YmqzEaEkDzIDNv6Kf60ALBipYZrGy4JnxQTWVctHweTQz7wtY/s320/happilyeverafter21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lasers <i>and</i> lightning? Most epic death <b>ever</b>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With Shadow Man gone and Snow White being about as useful in combat as, well, your typical Disney princess, Lord Maliss is about ready to turn Snow White into stone. <br />
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Luckily for Snow White, Maliss is the kind of villain who has to relish in his enemies' suffering, because instead of just tossing the cloak on her and then spending the rest of his weekend crashed out in front of the couch and watching the Super Bowl through that magic mirror while surrounded in the statues of frat boys who couldn't beat him in various drinking games, he has to take his sweetass time and leisurely stroll towards her while he chats delightfully about what a great statue she'll make. To be fair, at this point in time, you're kind of expected Lord Maliss to take the cliche route. It's in his blood. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguMpyGr4krtW19Ii2lSVDDcUkys_Hb1Jw4xdnaMR5PsfMcrjMVnK3sa7TdfWjf7Gxsfagl7GSDcbAJoBL7TnYMsMz0Z-HLYq_L5m5O_KGjXeU7nE1cW1ernrBMxxHouhuyAVyuJshBHNM/s1600/happilyeverafter22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguMpyGr4krtW19Ii2lSVDDcUkys_Hb1Jw4xdnaMR5PsfMcrjMVnK3sa7TdfWjf7Gxsfagl7GSDcbAJoBL7TnYMsMz0Z-HLYq_L5m5O_KGjXeU7nE1cW1ernrBMxxHouhuyAVyuJshBHNM/s320/happilyeverafter22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In case you're wondering what era this movie is made, just look at Snow White's hair. Good god.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, the Dwarfelles to the rescue! <br />
<br />
Now, normally when the Dwarfelles are in the scene, I am filled with nothing but utter loathing and contempt for the nasty little fairies who can't do anything besides take time out of the movie that could've been devoted to the Shadow Man, but this is different. It looks like the path between the magic mirror and this giant stone arena was filled with Elixirs of Badassery +50 because buggering hell,<i> look at them</i>! Even Marina and Moonbeam look fierce! Too bad the movie's almost over or else this would've totally redeemed all of them in my eyes.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFK0jV6f3Rm20RVELoWlZrhBA0nNiXKhMRztPVNfnGT7nhNWfYru9iw1MujjpcXkNGAwHMeyNrYFb4elVr38vaxvqvW2JUi55CSubdGakcmcNiDvoBZ9W169qY8yS3srln9x6XUGrAwT8/s1600/happilyeverafter23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFK0jV6f3Rm20RVELoWlZrhBA0nNiXKhMRztPVNfnGT7nhNWfYru9iw1MujjpcXkNGAwHMeyNrYFb4elVr38vaxvqvW2JUi55CSubdGakcmcNiDvoBZ9W169qY8yS3srln9x6XUGrAwT8/s320/happilyeverafter23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Eat soft, cuddly, legally-distinct-from-Disney-copyrighted-properties death, <i>punk</i>!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So they fight, and boy is it awkward to watch, because instead of, oh I don't know, <i>using their goddamn powers</i>, the dwarfs do things like pulling on Lord Maliss's hair, punching him in the face, and, in Blossom's case, sticking his fingers in her mouth and biting down. I'm not sure how this is supposed to defeat a man who can turn into a dragon and shoot lasers out of his eyes, ladies.<br />
<br />
To make this even worse, they had a whole arena to give them enough room to summon giant floods or earthquakes or scorching sunbeams or something. <i>They have no excuse</i>.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvJl9csNJYHZ2Iz3bZoqk8jIn4SheSOmyHImL6hohSr4-R6XgvEWMx_0iG62MvJROfIjwQ5IT-XEV_MiqYE6ux5p-7w4Wyz00vl9hu_-0eRmwAMt-gI09afWOlBmq8xlX0XjMrCTeh2cg/s1600/happilyeverafter24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvJl9csNJYHZ2Iz3bZoqk8jIn4SheSOmyHImL6hohSr4-R6XgvEWMx_0iG62MvJROfIjwQ5IT-XEV_MiqYE6ux5p-7w4Wyz00vl9hu_-0eRmwAMt-gI09afWOlBmq8xlX0XjMrCTeh2cg/s320/happilyeverafter24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh that Blossom. She'll put her mouth on anything.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But it turns out that not all of the dwarfs are raging imbeciles. While the six less-important Dwarfelles are filling the air with a weird combination of badassery and fail, Thunderella approaches Snow White and starts to untie her. <br />
<br />
And, since everyone else that's ever talked about this movie pointed this out, I might as well point it out too. When the Dwarfelles tackle Lord Maliss to the ground (which sounds like the premise for a Lord of the Rings-themed porno), Snow White's hand actually temporarily becomes untied just so she can put them against her face and make an "oh!" face. What makes this goof sad is that I've watched this film religiously for most of my childhood, and I never discovered this mistake until recently. At this point in the film, the quality kind of lulls you into a placid form of complacency so little continuity errors such as those barely even affect you, not when the cartoon is actually being exciting instead of having Scowl and Batso demonstrate the many possible ways you can shove the word "bad" into everyday conversation.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkCGKK8KvzRxVgPpou20tEukVp0FemeaqTPjFQM7mTgHWETACFAVYqI-47ZG8gX4ZIpzxZ4Ijz8jmqCeC8CQyn06fLnq5vZ4aIdKPWkwfMX18shH1VPkxIShTT-0gfbxZfLG6Ynz95LZs/s1600/happilyeverafter25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkCGKK8KvzRxVgPpou20tEukVp0FemeaqTPjFQM7mTgHWETACFAVYqI-47ZG8gX4ZIpzxZ4Ijz8jmqCeC8CQyn06fLnq5vZ4aIdKPWkwfMX18shH1VPkxIShTT-0gfbxZfLG6Ynz95LZs/s320/happilyeverafter25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Caption intentionally left blank on account I don't want my blog on a sex offender registry.)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As expected, Lord Maliss grows tired of having little dwarfs stick his body parts in their disease-ridden mouths so he whips out his cloak and ends up fossilizing them. I have to say, as heartbreaking as this all is (although in reality, I was cheering and pumping my fists in the air when I saw that Moonbeam died), the Dwarfelles probably could've avoided this if they didn't all bunch up together and cringe in fear while the cloak was slowly falling towards them. They could've tried, oh, you know, <i>getting out of the way?</i> Even if they didn't know the cloak was going to turn them into stone, the villain throwing a random piece of cloth at you is bound to do something terrible!<br />
<br />
I just want to point out the Muddy statue. Muddy, spreading your legs and making a silly face usually reserved for Class Picture Day isn't the most dignified pose you could make while you're being turned to stone.What, were you intending to spite Lord Maliss with your last breath by making sure he can never put you out on his front lawn without getting strange comments from his neighbors? What the hell?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQHF_8j_6IkYjDKepAp4r0uGguXS9FEgU2Pd6s-45-Eoqa1Rv9tKuUHn3SGP8axzA_896PBTng67GTVDtActYO4CZsPcQnKiZe9mpHr7qxzqUJThcZEWQAbqKVSzjjDoS9X-K39JlZqg8/s1600/happilyeverafter26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQHF_8j_6IkYjDKepAp4r0uGguXS9FEgU2Pd6s-45-Eoqa1Rv9tKuUHn3SGP8axzA_896PBTng67GTVDtActYO4CZsPcQnKiZe9mpHr7qxzqUJThcZEWQAbqKVSzjjDoS9X-K39JlZqg8/s320/happilyeverafter26.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now they can star in Travelocity commercials.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Lord Maliss is delighted that he killed the characters that have more merchandise than he does. Filled with raw hubris and victory disease, he then croons "Seven new statues I haven't even <i>counted</i> on" with an emphasis on count. See, while Lord Maliss did take all of the right transmogrification and eyebeam classes while he was in high school, he always failed in math. Which is evidenced by the fact that there are clearly <b>six</b> statues.<br />
<br />
You know what this means. Cinematic payoff for that one song you probably forgot about. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX7xdKpYetOejFh6Bk-2GLf7TOlddVi2arrrWIc8dn389qzKSB9_nLONw6c568qwUZoKXcl5xfhOSbt-p0b7w_owcHaEphzHNLyR5VNV7wS-kbAM_JIjFOfwa3VQv7cHuQMBTkKqO6oGo/s1600/happilyeverafter27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX7xdKpYetOejFh6Bk-2GLf7TOlddVi2arrrWIc8dn389qzKSB9_nLONw6c568qwUZoKXcl5xfhOSbt-p0b7w_owcHaEphzHNLyR5VNV7wS-kbAM_JIjFOfwa3VQv7cHuQMBTkKqO6oGo/s320/happilyeverafter27.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Calvin likes to crossdress.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, this cinematic payoff is deeply satisfying because, while Lord Maliss has his back turned and about ready to kill Snow White, she jumps out from behind the pillar she was hiding behind, points her finger at Malcolm McDowell, and calls upon the Dark Side of the Force. This is such a badass scene (and I realize I'm overusing the word "badass" at this point), mostly because Thunderella's <i>actually using her powers</i>. I cannot stress this enough. The other dwarfs should learn from Thunderella, or at least if they weren't lawn ornaments right now, they could.<br />
<br />
...are the rockenized victims of the cloak aware of their surroundings? Because that makes those statues in the beginning so much worse if that's true. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinVQtL216EGFzGCrtOITye3PZXG6tH2plzxxiJmGHjXzG3kuNC8ymg5l4RexbV6wLC9YKwJKpaG25KO-bdL9-PLzkwc1BFxo2sOR2343KpE4-NUCslSdnC3OFkFKoUcHfRtzm8R-KVYD0/s1600/happilyeverafter28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinVQtL216EGFzGCrtOITye3PZXG6tH2plzxxiJmGHjXzG3kuNC8ymg5l4RexbV6wLC9YKwJKpaG25KO-bdL9-PLzkwc1BFxo2sOR2343KpE4-NUCslSdnC3OFkFKoUcHfRtzm8R-KVYD0/s320/happilyeverafter28.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thunderella is killing off Mace Windu, I see.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But even that's not as badass as what finally kills Lord Maliss. Snow White, her hair now messy and her eyes now alight with spiritual anger, yanks the villain's cloak from his hands and honest to god jumps on him while using the cloak herself. For all the being kidnapped, the whining about her beloved prince, the passing out, and the not seeing through obvious magic illusions Snow White's been doing in this entire film, this one scene actually manages to redeem her completely in my eyes. Girl power! <br />
<br />
And now that I think about it, this film actually becomes way better if you just skip to the last ten minutes of the film. Filmation, instead of spreading the awesomesauce evenly through their production, just jammed all of the really kickass scenes in the very end. Talk about uneven quality. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEnxgF8A4h6JWDTpxU8nUOQBRs17GixiGynVUDLwZN4sskUFEyHkQD8DE2dc2qovoWHJLIvEzcKelgIrMQJ95_Tf4jl_vc99kBiQye94lIJOt33rKJ7tZlwlQ1HaoQjAgOe1us4WP4GCQ/s1600/happilyeverafter29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEnxgF8A4h6JWDTpxU8nUOQBRs17GixiGynVUDLwZN4sskUFEyHkQD8DE2dc2qovoWHJLIvEzcKelgIrMQJ95_Tf4jl_vc99kBiQye94lIJOt33rKJ7tZlwlQ1HaoQjAgOe1us4WP4GCQ/s320/happilyeverafter29.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi630sWRA-_5cpPM-LZzfF3eNccDQadPId7_nbXKgZUWuOBw1Xt9EQZ0NWb_o_12yrJ1ZR76vv53b8mu4EOxFk8GRH8dklHUWWigmo45ZYPDP4Fy_OqAjldoLU2oduGvpweYzurXO7EjkQ/s1600/happilyeverafter30.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi630sWRA-_5cpPM-LZzfF3eNccDQadPId7_nbXKgZUWuOBw1Xt9EQZ0NWb_o_12yrJ1ZR76vv53b8mu4EOxFk8GRH8dklHUWWigmo45ZYPDP4Fy_OqAjldoLU2oduGvpweYzurXO7EjkQ/s320/happilyeverafter30.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And yet the Snow White with all the merchandise is the one who's best known for singing <br />
songs to a wishing well, baking a pie and eating a poisonous apple.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, to top that scene of epic with an extra helping of epic with a scoop of awesomesauce, Lord Maliss has a death scene as melodramatic as his acting. He doesn't just turn into a statue instantly like all of his victims. No, no, no, that would be too <i>subtle </i>for Lord Maliss. Instead, he screams inhumanly, transforms into a dragon, sets the cloak on fire, screams in pain while lightning keeps on striking his face, shapeshifts his dragon head back to normal, and<i> then</i> turns into a statue. This is like if someone took a band like Metallica and tried to turn the very essence of their music into an animated film, and somehow got confused and added scenes with tiny female dwarfs and tried to market it to young children.<br />
<br />
...wait a second. They didn't have the dragon in the climatic battle! Forget the praise I just heaped on this movie; now I'm pissed that I didn't get to see the Shadow Man use his walking stick as a weapon while fighting off a giant wyvern. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDhxHnjJLxVCG1TpozIUK-NzlXPOORXmWDJTTwnYEOGDkgXX00Zgbj_7EE7bO6ffm4V4MAwTYdhFakGTadB4pFbYJf0bRj2cw1-X75qKAu2ZUmaeOTHeGaaHSntREO6KHrOfF-qAbU5Ug/s1600/happilyeverafter31.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDhxHnjJLxVCG1TpozIUK-NzlXPOORXmWDJTTwnYEOGDkgXX00Zgbj_7EE7bO6ffm4V4MAwTYdhFakGTadB4pFbYJf0bRj2cw1-X75qKAu2ZUmaeOTHeGaaHSntREO6KHrOfF-qAbU5Ug/s320/happilyeverafter31.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYHpc3DqvBi7iYdDW9cFwlln3wM9HXLyBjbAxh1-nYPPYmEJr5Vc7b6X11SG-Opo7Q-awQcbQSamSh57BSZlnBv-TRyYkfPrXUwxzuucLXCfTXvLnaRpJKAs0yP8lo2i0PTvwSEbogPu4/s1600/happilyeverafter32.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYHpc3DqvBi7iYdDW9cFwlln3wM9HXLyBjbAxh1-nYPPYmEJr5Vc7b6X11SG-Opo7Q-awQcbQSamSh57BSZlnBv-TRyYkfPrXUwxzuucLXCfTXvLnaRpJKAs0yP8lo2i0PTvwSEbogPu4/s320/happilyeverafter32.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This film should be called "Epic Death Scenes: The Movie". </td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Lord Maliss is defeated and the Dwarfelles are back to normal (although it's not explained how they returned to normal), but Shadow Man is still dead from lasers. While gathering the poor little guy and his dumpy potato sack of a body up in her arms, Snow White then says "I cared for him as dearly as the prince" and "Now I lost them both" without noting the irony of this situation. I also love how Snow White is basically saying that she cared for a man, one that's so ugly that its best left to the imagination and she barely knew a day, as much as her fiance. Snow's got some pretty low standards.<br />
<br />
Now is also a good time to point out that while the Dwarfelles were restored back to normal, none of the other statues were. Two-headed bird monster is going to remain a statue forever. This fact does nothing but depress me.</div></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgazjdYmNyMcyBjK3zkywD5ZbqXbK02txnYIm1WLKnUN01qcT2Mdk7r9_iSeLZaZQtAfuo8gRYg9q4d7vS3lhXaopVZi26yaK66bAcB77UtoO8cCOnDh2hhsjqaGEUqXMxeueEGTAsyqD8/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgazjdYmNyMcyBjK3zkywD5ZbqXbK02txnYIm1WLKnUN01qcT2Mdk7r9_iSeLZaZQtAfuo8gRYg9q4d7vS3lhXaopVZi26yaK66bAcB77UtoO8cCOnDh2hhsjqaGEUqXMxeueEGTAsyqD8/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Snow White and Shadow Man lovingly reenact Michelangelo's Pietà .</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While she cuddles against the creature that's probably smells of mold and rotten meat, Mother Nature pulls a Nature Ex Machina and just magically teleports into the arena while saying really hippy-ish things like "Just as love can bring the greatest joy, it can also bring the greatest sorrow" and "It is love that makes people the most special of all my creatures" in an attempt to make her more ephemeral and more powerful than her theme song made her look. No offense, Mother Nature, but if your opening scene involves you singing with duck-billed flowers as your musical accompaniment, people aren't going to take you seriously. I don't care how many sparkles you manifest when you teleport into a scene. <br />
<br />
And wait, "it is love that makes people the most special of all my creatures"? Uh, Mother Nature? <i>Seriously?</i> Animals can experience love too. Any pet owner can attest to this.<br />
<br />
Also if people are the most special of all your creatures, does that include humanoids like dwarfs, those ogre-like minions, and...whatever the hell Shadow Man is?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw_P9TrLFZ4f6vu0woF-Zy2Joh5ve-4dQ3rpk1XSoI8YceOwsPRyEMT-HEHezlC4PiFD6mUoB4W163ZnnHdT924njNUGhsKDcZ0TKcfiaCw_Clz6ggSMGjUNa1-CqBIHUbbb7J13ir_f0/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw_P9TrLFZ4f6vu0woF-Zy2Joh5ve-4dQ3rpk1XSoI8YceOwsPRyEMT-HEHezlC4PiFD6mUoB4W163ZnnHdT924njNUGhsKDcZ0TKcfiaCw_Clz6ggSMGjUNa1-CqBIHUbbb7J13ir_f0/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm sorry for your loss. Have some glitter to make you feel better."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then Snow White cries the beautiful, composed Single Tear of Princess-like Sadness, and the tear summons an embarrassingly 80's flashback sequence to show us, the audience, all of the fun she's had with The Shadow Man, as if we're supposed to cry and feel her pain just because we saw Shadow Man kick his reflection twice. I would've found this impressive, the fact that Snow White's tears can generate such magic, but then again, I've seen Felix the Cat: The Movie. I won't be impressed until I see Snow White's bodily fluids operate heavy machinery and travel between dimensions.<br />
<br />
I'm also not sure why they felt the need to do this. I'm pretty sure most of the audience here has a pretty good short term memory. It's not we're sitting here going "Wait, why is Snow White sad about that random guy that appeared out of-oh, wait! She touched his head while he was trapped underneath a rock! Now I remember!" while watching this. Instead I'm wondering what scene got cut at the last moment that required them to insert this small clip show at the last minute.<br />
<br />
This flashback also highlights a big problem. You know how Snow White said she cared for Shadow Man as deeply as the prince? Well, thanks to the clips, you suddenly become aware of the fact that, excluding the final battle and the scene where Shadow Man pushes over a tree, Snow White and Shadow Man only had two scenes where they really interacted with each other. There's was a complex, deep relationship.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7Tn4LB3aJju-8Bp3dDJSwr0dw7vknOIWYcMhW4xbBNf-C8wo_c6UYrUTHUmAqgc23QqdzGrtQFASB98UKrW14eP1ziZ1FV9UA1mPHQiZ0iTQibVXpq8RcODB6NMKbThyHeBAVSk6JJ1k/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7Tn4LB3aJju-8Bp3dDJSwr0dw7vknOIWYcMhW4xbBNf-C8wo_c6UYrUTHUmAqgc23QqdzGrtQFASB98UKrW14eP1ziZ1FV9UA1mPHQiZ0iTQibVXpq8RcODB6NMKbThyHeBAVSk6JJ1k/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm going to miss his dirt-encrusted claws and his gruff, serial killer voice!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, love conquers all and Shadow Man returns from the dead! There's something to be admired from an animated film that decides it's going to use every cliche known to man. It's like some bitter Filmation writer, hearing some animation critics calling their project cliche, just snapped and said "Cliche? <i>I'll give them cliche</i>!" before maniacally laughing to himself and twirling his mustache. <br />
<br />
I love the "What the HELL?" face Snow White makes when this happens, by the way. The raised eyebrow is the icing on the cake for me. Pure genius. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6ses5hVt2R2JhVA3p9tK0yol5Mk4aNnjoogtg-rR8V_Ll3JP-JXB2pAIsHvayD0jQYxjQhd595tU6Yj9AnLGdQho8TPkU37a_Tr4EWVZGx-d4bgxJBvQyCPV_7DAuU8duf_ln81fwkS0/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6ses5hVt2R2JhVA3p9tK0yol5Mk4aNnjoogtg-rR8V_Ll3JP-JXB2pAIsHvayD0jQYxjQhd595tU6Yj9AnLGdQho8TPkU37a_Tr4EWVZGx-d4bgxJBvQyCPV_7DAuU8duf_ln81fwkS0/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You asshole! I can't believe I actually fell for that!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then, he turns into the Prince using what else but pretty glow effects and sparklies. Who saw this coming?<br />
<br />
Considering I saw this movie before I saw Beauty and the Beast, <i>this</i> was my huge "No, change back into your cooler form!" moment in my childhood. I remember being so angry at this revelation that I'm sure if my puny little undeveloped brain grasped the concept of petitions, I would've written one to Filmation in crayon demanding that they make a sequel where the prince turns back into the Shadow Man and then the Shadow Man continued kicking ass with Snow White and Thunderella at his side. <br />
<br />
It doesn't help that when the prince changes back, he's somehow able to fit into Shadow Man's clothes even though Shadow Man was half as tall as the prince. Magic, I guess. Or at least really good fabric. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAdhZ7YDRZB45aKXEZHU31u4loYH0FhI_dOSnamiigG48cg5-38_HccAOm1N-iY2vpf_T_JRSCCr5sPDaY_CQBwXpYyomukKZyVO4hot-jiRvMfFIjRJW1B0GvU3qy-Dp-UWShY8H9se0/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAdhZ7YDRZB45aKXEZHU31u4loYH0FhI_dOSnamiigG48cg5-38_HccAOm1N-iY2vpf_T_JRSCCr5sPDaY_CQBwXpYyomukKZyVO4hot-jiRvMfFIjRJW1B0GvU3qy-Dp-UWShY8H9se0/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSn9VajdfnJFu_DGnUE2_7Pe783v3gjc1ZHPBUQR8bIjUO9Cqmeo9BUkHaHYhB0CpmsjMWSfHQ6jWezue7R_8Wrb1FfWeAzIHIPoKH3e_-0lxy-69LNgD5t5W4LWHoEe81ERYKRksYsd0/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSn9VajdfnJFu_DGnUE2_7Pe783v3gjc1ZHPBUQR8bIjUO9Cqmeo9BUkHaHYhB0CpmsjMWSfHQ6jWezue7R_8Wrb1FfWeAzIHIPoKH3e_-0lxy-69LNgD5t5W4LWHoEe81ERYKRksYsd0/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So in this movie, Orko turned into Prince Adam with the power of love. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>While this is happening, Snow White thanks the Dwarfelles for just plain not helping for most of this quest save for Thunderella. Sunburn replies with a "Some of us were more helpful to others", which is <i>supposed</i> to make her look like a total jerkass, but it ends up backfiring because she's completely right. Some of the Dwarfelles <i>were</i> more helpful than the others! I was totally waiting for Sunburn to then turn to Moonbeam and say "And when I say that, I mean everyone was more helpful than you, because holy crap, you were useless!" before giving a large two minute speech on just how terrible of a concept Moonbeam is. Only she'd probably work in her "That really burns me up!" catchphrase somewhere in there.<br />
<br />
But no, instead, the reason she said that was so that she could say that Thunderella helped more than everyone else here. I guess that works too. Either way, Moonbeam sucks.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisUeARwb7b8g4h29hoKPvhy21phXfu0vpUO5r0bxDxBOf5RC4dm-6iX-ryoAnhY_Fsj5d3hC06P5l4euY6vye3-JQcsX-ZWgjqFfHGDjKEX4hUJ8_u2WTBysxRqrNYykcG5VjPmKya-9U/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisUeARwb7b8g4h29hoKPvhy21phXfu0vpUO5r0bxDxBOf5RC4dm-6iX-ryoAnhY_Fsj5d3hC06P5l4euY6vye3-JQcsX-ZWgjqFfHGDjKEX4hUJ8_u2WTBysxRqrNYykcG5VjPmKya-9U/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I just want to say that only three of us were actually any useful while the rest of us were only here to take up space."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Prince Adam (hey, he needed a name) and Snow White talk about the wedding, the seven Dwarfelles are invited as well as the seven dwarfs (so wait, the seven dwarfs are still getting an invitation even though they moved to another kingdom without telling Snow White?), the seven Dwarfelles get to keep their powers, Lord Maliss's frightening corpse towers over them with his terrible draconian body, and it looks like everything is just peachy keen and the movie, since it's run out of badass in its tank, it's making with the happy-go-lucky so that not everyone leaves the nearly empty theaters with horrible, crippling nightmares. <br />
<br />
This ending is so flowery and cutesy-wutesy that even Scowl and Batso get a happy ending, because Mother Nature is training them as apprentices! Hooray, they're good guys for some unexplained reason even though the whole point of their characters was so that they'd be bad! This makes <i>perfect</i> sense! <br />
<br />
And why isn't anyone thinking of that poor Magic Mirror still bolted to the wall? He was actually nice to the Dwarfelles!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjASY_bN8n-58NJefPF8TYsOtH6J7B1w1jSB0U8j8SU7h29OhNc8G0HRCDSA9yP8_HsY9zyXW08O-57sreNM56K-TogGi3HwRRI-J4VZYOBtxrKSakR2I9bczDvRn9m9uIIx5RXBkE12-k/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjASY_bN8n-58NJefPF8TYsOtH6J7B1w1jSB0U8j8SU7h29OhNc8G0HRCDSA9yP8_HsY9zyXW08O-57sreNM56K-TogGi3HwRRI-J4VZYOBtxrKSakR2I9bczDvRn9m9uIIx5RXBkE12-k/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, Mother Nature. Where the hell did you get the modern bird cage in medieval Germany?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and the smoking thing comes up. It makes as much sense as you would expect, because apparently all it takes for you to cure someone of their smoking addiction is to steal their cigar, indicate that it stinks, and then destroy it. Then the smoker is cured! Because it's not like withdrawal and entire programs dedicated to teaching people how to kick the habit exists or anything. <br />
<br />
But then again, maybe Scowl was smoking literally the only cigar in the entire kingdom. Tobacco smoking didn't become a popular thing until the American colonies were established. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguP39T7h1YAgsxbITVqaaehmnI5UYFqqDpWGF0rMg7HdIeeKB4OUUfN2aSy20dqcNeB-agfNyhaQ3d7k2WyIrVbezADlv3pcQBozwTcwwdASJ-fIKiaXb5CVTu1Ukfp3wFJhW4Lho_rjg/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguP39T7h1YAgsxbITVqaaehmnI5UYFqqDpWGF0rMg7HdIeeKB4OUUfN2aSy20dqcNeB-agfNyhaQ3d7k2WyIrVbezADlv3pcQBozwTcwwdASJ-fIKiaXb5CVTu1Ukfp3wFJhW4Lho_rjg/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Yeah, I don't buy it either.<br />
<br />
Plus that's not going to cure Scowl's charred, plague-coated organs that are his lungs just because he stopped, you know.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggVKUU4pS8-VL6_vQkBF-W04npVEfrqmua9JoG30hupTtnd7mc5xeyEUyiqpBqYhZjrc4YpmmotykfNeaalJ_gtAq2kHaH_DafF8NEUoL1OPjJIOHBoKrVmf9r7hqf9ae59xImULj8p_Q/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggVKUU4pS8-VL6_vQkBF-W04npVEfrqmua9JoG30hupTtnd7mc5xeyEUyiqpBqYhZjrc4YpmmotykfNeaalJ_gtAq2kHaH_DafF8NEUoL1OPjJIOHBoKrVmf9r7hqf9ae59xImULj8p_Q/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">YA RLY.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And so Snow White and the Prince passionately make out in front of Lord Maliss's corpse and while standing in the moldering, decaying structure that is the Wicked Queen's castle, and the movie is over. Oh sure, they never explain what's going to happen to the castle or the various grotesque statues once the heroes leave, or what's going to happen to the scattered remnants of the evil Queen's animalman army or the rhino wolves, or even what happened to the prince's horse. But since the two main heroes kissed and said that they're going to live happily ever after (title drop!), the sky's going to rain happiness and rainbows and all of the problems the evil villains created were instantly cured.<br />
<br />
...so, since this entire movie was caused by the Wicked Queen having a brother, what's stopping them from making a sequel where Lord Maliss's cousin, who can change into a giant unicorn, travels to the castle and finds out that his beloved brother is dead? They can just make a whole series of these movies where Snow White keeps killing members of the Wicked Queen family tree with the help of her prince, who keeps turning into various forms of Man, like Fire Man or Mega Man (super fighting robot! Mega Man!) or Wicker Man. Come on, it'd be great! <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguQvHliyMXz7SIdR8t3DpMVc9WfEj0KibrNzSqhkX49BwcKc-QNdPl0b-NcOtURao2Tf5tWRNJz4qw_tJENFBvR2wbivF64LgtTFRSoukHaw-6r4A1ahdvja3BRdaGC6gp4n5SPvGZyzc/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguQvHliyMXz7SIdR8t3DpMVc9WfEj0KibrNzSqhkX49BwcKc-QNdPl0b-NcOtURao2Tf5tWRNJz4qw_tJENFBvR2wbivF64LgtTFRSoukHaw-6r4A1ahdvja3BRdaGC6gp4n5SPvGZyzc/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then they had sex right then and there.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But even though the movie's over, it's still good to stay after the credits. Not because there's any additional animation that could explain any plot holes. No, Filmation doesn't care enough to fix those problems. Instead, what we get is a very 80's song called "Love is The Reason" that plays over the credits and it's so cheesy and so painfully 80's that it instantly rockets into the Awesome category and it probably justifies this movie's entire existence. <br />
<br />
That, and the credits are really out of order. Ed Asner of all people gets a name credit before Snow freaking White, and goddamn Critterina and Marina get credited before Lord Maliss.<br />
<br />
And that was Happily Ever After. I need to take a shower now to wash all of this 80's out of my hair. <br />
<br />
<br />
<hr /><br />
<b>The Morals of this Movie</b><br />
*If you have a cape that can turn people into stone and the ability to transform into a dragon, use these abilities as often as possible. <br />
*The best way to invite your best friends to a wedding is to ride around through uncharted wilderness without anything protecting your soft, fragile human body from terrifying dragon monsters.<br />
*Having moonbeam power is about as helpful as having no powers at all.<br />
*If you're going to curse somebody, turn them into something that's worse than their previous form.<b><br />
</b> <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict<br />
</b>This movie is going to get some special princess-style treatment, because this will be the first movie that gets the List-styled Final Verdict as opposed to the giant paragraphs I've been doing. Hopefully this will make these final verdicts easier to write, because recently, final verdicts have become the part in the review I dread because I felt like I kept repeating myself regardless of which cartoon I was talking about. <br />
<br />
That being said...<br />
<u><br />
</u><br />
<u>The Good</u><br />
*This is a very likeable version of Snow White, especially when compared to the Disney Snow White. I'm not saying this to mock the Disney version, but I always did find that Snow White as a character kind of bland. This one, while kind of cliche with her use of girl power, was really fun to watch and had a more active role in the story and managed to beat the main villain without dying. <br />
*Lord Maliss was fun. Melodramatic, over-the-top, unable to speak in an indoor voice...he's everything you could wish for in a hammy Filmation villain. Malcolm McDowell was clearly enjoying himself because every sentence Maliss speaks is like this man is having an orgasm on how awesome he is.<br />
*Shadow Man. He's great, all of his scenes are great, and it's great to have a character that can't speak very well and looks like a monster actually be a good guy. And considering he's often the most-liked character in the movie (besides Maliss and oddly Critterina), I'm not the only one who thinks this.<br />
*The final act. Holy hell, the final battle is awesome. After all of those sugarcoated moments of the Dwarfelles, it's nice to see a villain fight in a way that's actually really scary. He uses eye lasers, he uses that cloak; Lord Maliss clearly showed that he was not someone to take lightly. <br />
*Backgrounds and music were decent leaning on pretty good. Not Disney-level standard, but I will be the first to admit that I used some of the backgrounds as desktop wallpapers while writing this and that I have Love is the Reason on my iPod. Don't judge meeeeee!<br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Bad</u><br />
*The Dwarfelles. I know it's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs but come on, they were just useless half the time! I'm sorry, but if there are characters who only exist so that there are seven in a particular group, then they're not very well-written characters.The ones you end up liking are usually Muddy, Thunderella, Critterina, or Sunburn just because they actually have an active enough role that they have a personality. I kept harping on Moonbeam a lot, I know, but imagine watching a movie where you know this character exists but she's not doing anything! Her power's the freaking night and half the movie takes place at night! Freaking hell, Moonbeam!<br />
*Scowl and Batso's scenes. I honestly tried to like these two. I really did. They're voiced by two incredibly talented people. But oh god, the bad jokes were like nails on a chalkboard. Scowl was definitely the stronger character out of the duo, but that's like saying that Bobby is the strongest character out of the Street Sharks. I think if you cut them from the movie, the movie would've actually been a stronger film. <br />
*Lord Maliss's schemes. It was clear, this man was just making crap up as he went along. "I know, I'll mutate the prince! No wait, rhino wolves! No wait, magic cloak!" Geez, Lord Maliss. Use your stupid dragon spell and start eating people!<br />
*The celebrity voices are not taken to their full advantage. Minor complaint, but come on, they took the time to hire Zsa Zsa Gabor and she had just a bit part. <br />
*They reuse animation a lot more than they should've. Remember the chase scene? I certainly do. <br />
<br />
<br />
<u>The Final Decision</u><br />
This is how I see Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and Filmation's Happily Ever After. The Disney movie is artistically brilliant, is well-written, and is one of the greatest examples of animation to ever exist. It is clearly the superior film. <br />
<br />
However, Happily Ever After is pure dumb fun. I can honestly say that I've only sat through Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs a couple times in my life, and most of those times were in college when I could better appreciate the artistic values of the movie. Happily Ever After, on the other hand, I always enjoy, and that's because that the flaws aren't enough for me to hate the movie. In fact, some of the flaws, like the overdramatic villain, only enhance the film. It's hard for me to say this since in a way, I'm basically defending a really bad knockoff of a Disney product that just has tacked on things like dragons, lasers, and Ed Asner, but I loved all of this. This was highly entertaining to watch (probably because my brain is easily distracted by shiny objects like badass dragon transformations) and there's a very good reason why I own this DVD. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixKNOwhFzoyFRoPTlYU91-obTOviXnOXvthf98j4zI0HdVC5-MeDPSanuNrfJOPPMWs5D0RS9LBaJkAfYlP7ikblfF057uenclHzpjCzhIyVylXsOngpU8-x-vhmnoZuvav6s0RfQFjGM/s1600/bitchslap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixKNOwhFzoyFRoPTlYU91-obTOviXnOXvthf98j4zI0HdVC5-MeDPSanuNrfJOPPMWs5D0RS9LBaJkAfYlP7ikblfF057uenclHzpjCzhIyVylXsOngpU8-x-vhmnoZuvav6s0RfQFjGM/s320/bitchslap.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The reason I own this DVD: because it contained a scene where Snow White backhands Lord Maliss in the face.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So yes, it has its flaws. It has a ton of them. This should not be considered a good example of animation. But I feel this is one of those films that, due to the circumstances of the company that produced it, gained a reputation it didn't truly deserve. It destroyed a company, so therefore, it's pantscrappingly bad, when in reality it's merely a mediocre film with some fantastic scenes stuffed in for good measure. This film wasn't taking itself seriously. <br />
<br />
In other words, to sum it up, this is one of those films that's fun to watch because it's so cheesy. In case you're wondering, yes, this is a hell of a lot better than Felix the Cat: The Movie, probably because the animation doesn't look like they tried to animate it with their asses. Is it a good film? Probably not. Is it a bad film? I've personally seen a lot worse. My advice, if you're in the mood for something light and cheesy and powered by 80's music, then by all means, you're going to have a fun time. Fans of the Disney classic are probably going to get overly frustrated by this.<br />
<br />
Just remember one thing, readers. Being nice is just for saps, being good is a handicap, get to them before they get to you, and always fly in the fast lane.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-61492665219032484292012-02-02T23:23:00.003-08:002012-05-10T10:55:47.256-07:00Widget the World Watcher - Widget's WalkaboutOkay, we all have an opinion on environmentalist cartoons. They're preachy, they're rarely entertaining, they have villains that are one-dimensional and seem to only exist to make the Earth cry, they're hypocritical considering 2D animation is one of the most paper-consuming mediums of all time, and they feature annoying children that, all things considered, make us want to burn a rainforest rather than suffer through their annoying mugs for twenty minutes. <br />
<br />
By this paragraph alone, you might think that I'm talking about Captain Planet. Sadly, no. If there's one thing I learned about bad ideas in cartoons, it's that they never appear in just one cartoon. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBvkz3dyL9EMT-yrDFyMme9BaR9YDqqvPEnZPmoT_1qdAN2-V8cQz3cDZoi3y_5X4a2N8JTFU7WR5T_ue0lL6LRDuYqnItjUuFN9YrMgnZ9jksCLjwqVuyesxAyUHfxiucdiJ5nWo15Vo/s1600/Widgetlogo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBvkz3dyL9EMT-yrDFyMme9BaR9YDqqvPEnZPmoT_1qdAN2-V8cQz3cDZoi3y_5X4a2N8JTFU7WR5T_ue0lL6LRDuYqnItjUuFN9YrMgnZ9jksCLjwqVuyesxAyUHfxiucdiJ5nWo15Vo/s1600/Widgetlogo.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"My head is ridiculously huge!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Here's a sad thought that not many people like to think about when talking about environmentalist cartoons. Captain Planet is not the only cartoon that's about saving the planet from ecological harm. There were multiple cartoons and specials about this. It's just that the flying blue man is most popular and the most well-remembered, while the others fell by the wayside. This bears repeating. Out of a genre of cartoons that exists, <i>Captain Planet</i> is the best one. There's a group of cartoons where Captain Planet beats them. Captain Planet.<br />
<br />
...excuse me. I think I need to go lay down now. <br />
<br />
Wait, I should probably talk about Widget the World Watcher here. There's not much to be expressed about a cartoon where the honest to god <i>mediocre videogame adaptations </i>are more well-remembered than the actual show itself. Other than pity. Lots and lots of pity. Seriously, the only other time I can think of a videogame outshining the actual cartoon when the videogame itself isn't very good is Izzy's Quest for the Olympic Gold. It's a sad fate to befall any show. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP__a5B6TIWjb2Fj8M_3w_jN3uGZycJ_wsvzg7YzfD5XUuH8Jh9jThs9ZBYlmzmUmodzH2ohVm5cBTTBoMOHCfqqjCmY-nteklZ_w9tnpbh03jHQyH2tOVXMCt8Z6qYIUxPhDb-ubQrkU/s1600/widgetworldwatcher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP__a5B6TIWjb2Fj8M_3w_jN3uGZycJ_wsvzg7YzfD5XUuH8Jh9jThs9ZBYlmzmUmodzH2ohVm5cBTTBoMOHCfqqjCmY-nteklZ_w9tnpbh03jHQyH2tOVXMCt8Z6qYIUxPhDb-ubQrkU/s320/widgetworldwatcher.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In fairness to this game, it at least looks funner than Izzy's Quest for the Olympic Gold.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unfortunately, I think I might've seen a couple episodes of this show when it was actually on the air. I say "I think" instead of being too sure because, unlike Darkwing Duck or Animaniacs or even Street Sharks, the show never left a positive or even a negative impact on me. I mean, I hate practically everything about Captain Planet, but the fact that I hate that show proves that it <i>did</i> something to me and that I have a reaction to it. Widget just exists; and the only reason I can guess that I saw it is that the purple alien looks kind of familiar and, since it had shapeshifting, I was all over that as a kid. <br />
<br />
Another notable thing about this show. Like all really dumb shows of the 90's that not many people remember, it's incredibly rare. Out of a 65 episode show, only a handful of episodes are available online, and they're all pulled from VHS videos that, on eBay, run to be about 40 dollars. <br />
<br />
That being said, you like kangaroos? Dingos? Bad Australian accents? Then boy, do I have an episode for you! <br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Widget's Walkabout</b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-wcvqoUrGJuxtJ_hOp0GwFwHoUTDbmW2zj2waxVK67uQYc3LxLzc8q0_t4brwCNZPXSiHP9TNEWngjVRvlM0LJWFPD3AbneqJFX47WZzBH2_ywP-2_oInX_TiDbiqswJfeHONVKl5VKE/s1600/widgetworldwatcher2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-wcvqoUrGJuxtJ_hOp0GwFwHoUTDbmW2zj2waxVK67uQYc3LxLzc8q0_t4brwCNZPXSiHP9TNEWngjVRvlM0LJWFPD3AbneqJFX47WZzBH2_ywP-2_oInX_TiDbiqswJfeHONVKl5VKE/s400/widgetworldwatcher2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awww, that's kind of cute that they had a married couple write this together.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Airdate:</b> 27 October 1990</div>
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<b>Availability: </b><span style="color: red;">On VHS, but good luck finding one!</span></div>
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If you grew up in the magical time known as the 90's, you are well aware of how a lot of animated shows from that era happened to have incredibly catchy intros regardless of the quality of the cartoon. Who knows how many cartoons have tricked me into watching them just because they happened to have decent music. DuckTales and Heathcliff are the most infamous examples (if only because I can still recite the entire DuckTales song by heart), but now I can add this show to the list. Compared to Captain Planet's intro, which is basically a narration of what the premise is set to instrumentals while Ma-Ti totally fails to help with a forest fire, Widget the World Watcher opts for the more traditional "have people sing entirely in exposition while set to a catchy rhythm" route that most cartoons stick to. <br />
<br />
And, despite the preachiness of the lyrics ("Danger and evil are everywhere, Nature called we didn't care"), it's a really successful song. The singers and their backup sound like they're pouring their heart and soul into their work and make an fantastic song out of lyrics that say that humans crapped up the world so badly that shapeshifting aliens from another planet had to step in and clean up our mess. That takes talent.<br />
<br />
...but maybe I just have a weakness for theme songs that contains a copious use of Whoa-oh's and CGI objects flying through space. <i>Whoa-oh, Whoa-oh</i>, Widget the World Waaaaaatcher!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9_fAa_zqOqjTzpMqYNve6brrMgjXfCXaav78R_ygdQa68np3sC4YElRA-qQKgn8J6U3rsDxH9KFlXhtDbQBQ0HB6jAMMmAtnO7c5pcDvdQdkLFSkEGLJB4jOMU7IXOATIeav8_fDUJN4/s1600/widgetworldwatcher1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9_fAa_zqOqjTzpMqYNve6brrMgjXfCXaav78R_ygdQa68np3sC4YElRA-qQKgn8J6U3rsDxH9KFlXhtDbQBQ0HB6jAMMmAtnO7c5pcDvdQdkLFSkEGLJB4jOMU7IXOATIeav8_fDUJN4/s320/widgetworldwatcher1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This screenshot was brought to you by the color purple.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But then this is ruined when the music stops right when it's starting to get good and Widget, in an odd froggy-sounding voice that sounds like the alien either has a perpetual headcold or smokes at least two packs a day, has to tell us what's going to happen in the actual episode. Hey, thanks for giving away the plot of your own cartoon! Come on, get back to the 80's-style Whoa-ohs already! <br />
<br />
This episode involves "Australia's endangered red kangaroos", in case you're curious. Well, I'm off to a good start here. The cartoon didn't even start yet and already it's made a huge factual error. <b><i>Red kangaroos aren't endangered, morons!</i></b> Out of <i>all</i> of the Australian wildlife they could dedicate an episode on (you could make an entire series on the amount of marsupials and indigenous Australian animals that are facing extinction), they had to choose the one that's in absolutely no danger. <b>Smooth</b>. At least when Captain Planet features wildlife, they do some research and make sure the animal is a vulnerable species we may lose due to mankind's activities.<br />
<br />
...and see what you did, cartoon! Not even two minutes in and you made me give a compliment to <i>Captain Planet</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJSE1Mfdz7oCa-tNaIMPd1Zpl5055iIa4PIrJDMZC90wSengUoQDBq9GfSlO5wjBBTecsida2qZd_vuFN2I3LLw6JIFmHWjopb5mXGAGbj6ZByd_nzW3z3E8-hp8UCH2LJD7XNnaNGc-0/s1600/widgetworldwatcher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJSE1Mfdz7oCa-tNaIMPd1Zpl5055iIa4PIrJDMZC90wSengUoQDBq9GfSlO5wjBBTecsida2qZd_vuFN2I3LLw6JIFmHWjopb5mXGAGbj6ZByd_nzW3z3E8-hp8UCH2LJD7XNnaNGc-0/s320/widgetworldwatcher.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And only one of those kangaroos is red! This whole episode is a lie!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Once the cartoon actually starts, we find ourselves at some really nice Hawaiian resort (oh, nice that the heroes of the cartoon can afford to live in a place this beautiful) where two kids are bragging about their awesome camping equipment to a highly advanced space traveler. No offense kids, but something tells me that Widget's not going to be too impressed with you camping outside your backyard if he's lightyears away from his home and has to have his immune system constantly battle your strange, foreign bacteria just from extended contact with you. Just sayin'.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLmSYZJq84R3K_u8OD-gsxkEnLZ0wGiJJ4-k6eLrWKGzWLKza_YlrVD1xvbhYH1tDzn_zyrQutcGGKwBZpIojUWXXRegRztdUoBHtUwRsOCOi8KVwW9exx_72KrbqrGzxhrVlqigijois/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLmSYZJq84R3K_u8OD-gsxkEnLZ0wGiJJ4-k6eLrWKGzWLKza_YlrVD1xvbhYH1tDzn_zyrQutcGGKwBZpIojUWXXRegRztdUoBHtUwRsOCOi8KVwW9exx_72KrbqrGzxhrVlqigijois/s320/widgettheworldwatcher.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Pitiful Earth creatures! Your puny attempts at wilderness survival greatly amuse Widget!"</td></tr>
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Luckily for them, Widget the World Watcher is not the kind of alien that would instantly scoff that the silly earthlings and their primitive technologies, choosing to instead use the <i>other</i> alien cliche where he's instantly amazed by any Earth invention regardless of how mundane it is. A sleeping bag is not just a sleeping bag, but the coziest damn thing Widget's ever encountered, because even though his race can shapeshift and build incredibly sophisticated machinery capable of traveling through the galaxy, a bundle of cloth shaped into a bag is amazing to him. Too much flattery will get you nowhere, Widget. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSya8fKZuP-Ncv6XjEmjxUuT7yfzoVOnb_NGO0UtwhUTDN4W3YcMN9UP9usN_sWV2olXBsfTQj4TOl6eVoKdcsPVYdB7Cl3ppMSMQBlZOhobv6_01q1QLQ-vu5nBGUs50iXFuJsb6Ja-Y/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSya8fKZuP-Ncv6XjEmjxUuT7yfzoVOnb_NGO0UtwhUTDN4W3YcMN9UP9usN_sWV2olXBsfTQj4TOl6eVoKdcsPVYdB7Cl3ppMSMQBlZOhobv6_01q1QLQ-vu5nBGUs50iXFuJsb6Ja-Y/s320/widgettheworldwatcher1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So, let me get this straight. Your species has to fashion soft cushions in order to protect their <br />
soft, naked pink bodies from the elements? This information will be useful."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I also have to say this, because this kept distracting me during this opening scene where the children talk about how awesome camping is. <i>Every single one of these characters sounds like a character in a much better cartoon</i>. The older kid sounds exactly like Max from Goof Troop, the younger kid sounds exactly like Phil from Rugrats, and, now that I listen closely to the alien, he sounds like one of the nephews from DuckTales but with a slightly deeper voice. It's so bad that if I were to just listen to this cartoon's audio, my mind would instantly fill in the blanks and I'd have myself one of the most awesome cartoon crossovers ever conceived, one that wouldn't be filled with drugs like that one cartoon crossover that was filled with lies. <br />
<br />
...and somehow Widget gets so stuck in the sleeping bag that he needs the two kids to help pull him out. How is that even possible? Sleeping bags are equipped with zippers <i>and</i> Widget can shapeshift!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW3DlEVRIGeN3KICxNdmUvnSlEZ1WWF7XQSmF87L5X6WmL0yps5JT7E5GM3O7t-iC_cy_7tHgiKZoiyM81ttRp3yciRFIlB3uYVbijWnNhjINILylsNAvvq-IjPwY73Xvi9qqPDDzT7H0/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW3DlEVRIGeN3KICxNdmUvnSlEZ1WWF7XQSmF87L5X6WmL0yps5JT7E5GM3O7t-iC_cy_7tHgiKZoiyM81ttRp3yciRFIlB3uYVbijWnNhjINILylsNAvvq-IjPwY73Xvi9qqPDDzT7H0/s320/widgettheworldwatcher2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Is this how humans procreate?"</td></tr>
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After that pointless bout of alien-themed slapstick, Widget's ship (which looks like a giant space Poké Ball) gets a transmission for "The Old Wise Ones", who remind me of friendlier, more altruistic versions of The Almighty Tallest in Invader ZIM from the way they keep forgetting Widget's name and kind of belittle him while they're vomiting out exposition. I've only seen a couple episodes of this cartoon (because, like I said, very few of these episodes are available online and I'm not going to spend 40 dollars to buy a VHS off of eBay), but it's pretty reasonable to assume that this is how most of the plots start for this show. Widget goofs off with human children, Old Wise Ones say that some dickhole is crapping up the environment, and then it's up to Widget to kidnap his friends and go save the day. I know this show's game. <br />
<br />
And if you look closely, the male Old Wise One's fingers are somehow outside of the hologram. Alien technology sure is amazing sometimes.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPLdRD2mq3zTzdq0ddSQYw-0IVc0IgeqkM5l_pdvse2XkwOiPEd93Wj0eQ8hG_Of_edYxV5dcmP68Ry6a9Z_bfYdF_OQs6S4ISmLWQorVioAE0tFoNyqKRjS0Sc7iF-8OOCpBHv9C3u90/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPLdRD2mq3zTzdq0ddSQYw-0IVc0IgeqkM5l_pdvse2XkwOiPEd93Wj0eQ8hG_Of_edYxV5dcmP68Ry6a9Z_bfYdF_OQs6S4ISmLWQorVioAE0tFoNyqKRjS0Sc7iF-8OOCpBHv9C3u90/s320/widgettheworldwatcher3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Old Wise Ones! Gotta catch 'em all!</td></tr>
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In this episode, they have to go to the Land Down Under, where the hideous big-headed alien needs to oversee the relocation of red kangaroos because some asshole sheep and cattle farmers have used up their water supply and there's a bad drought going on. Widget makes a very painful "Oh, do they walk upside down in Australia?" joke while they're giving out the mission statement, but I was able to ignore that in favor of the fact that, compared to the really dreary plots you sometimes get in Captain Planet (like the people of Brazil mutating into rat creatures), this mission sounds downright simple. All Widget has to do is make sure some kangaroos on a resort acclimatize to their new surroundings. How hard can that be? <br />
<br />
...although now that makes me wonder if there are other World Watchers on Earth and, since Widget sucks so much (come on, he needed help getting out of <i>a sleeping bag</i>) the Old Wise Ones just hand him these really easy assignments just so the embarrassing little recruit feels better about himself. I bet before he had to help the endangered red kangaroos, he had to help some endangered coyotes in Nevada and some endangered pigeons in New York City while the <i>real</i> World Watchers took care of the rainforest.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmFt1jg4xaZXEW-HI0UJNDb8F5vOc43XaoPZ9nOx7oG2EbJkAjON942UOiFhkIs8O9yGY7rmI7B-F6wk8MhxhHZsSUf3S95JDP1d_6m0x9aMWOV_WyETajnpwsDPdvMwv4UZk3DxYQ2vE/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmFt1jg4xaZXEW-HI0UJNDb8F5vOc43XaoPZ9nOx7oG2EbJkAjON942UOiFhkIs8O9yGY7rmI7B-F6wk8MhxhHZsSUf3S95JDP1d_6m0x9aMWOV_WyETajnpwsDPdvMwv4UZk3DxYQ2vE/s320/widgettheworldwatcher4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Good god, <i>where did the Eurasian landmass go</i>?</td></tr>
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I do love that one of the kids has to say "Australia? We just studied that in school!" (news flash: <b>no one cares</b>) in an attempt to make himself look more informed in front of the intelligent alien lifeforms, and Widget, in order to top ignorance with even more ignorance, chimes in by saying that "it's the land of kangaroos, koalas, and crocodiles" before shapeshifting Steve Irwin clothing (bringing up horrible questions on whether he feels pain if you tear that clothing, since it grew out of his body and all that) and shouting one of the most painful lines in the history of Australian stereotyping. <br />
<br />
"G'day, mate! Time to go practice with my boomerang!" <br />
<br />
<i>Uuuuugh</i>. I slapped my forehead so hard from hearing that line that I gave myself permanent brain damage. As you might guess, if you actually live in the continent of Australia, this is going to be a very painful experience.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho0KSqQ1ARiZwvpLShWcCBXAAybzrn_I9TfzYLQTPEQGqPKFKBW-pdlffOa_ty_UtvgF0eQhSWKQfgDnZaIqXRDAH3i7isqEpmXffreQh4xMeJLh-mCpyryG9kgmqlD73HET2V1A0bDwA/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho0KSqQ1ARiZwvpLShWcCBXAAybzrn_I9TfzYLQTPEQGqPKFKBW-pdlffOa_ty_UtvgF0eQhSWKQfgDnZaIqXRDAH3i7isqEpmXffreQh4xMeJLh-mCpyryG9kgmqlD73HET2V1A0bDwA/s320/widgettheworldwatcher5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Australians, this is what Widget thinks you look and act like.</td></tr>
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One purple W screen wipe later and, sure enough, the two completely uninteresting children protagonists with no defined character traits whatsoever are traveling with Widget on his ever-important quest to help "endangered" animals. Because apparently Widget is completely incapable of completing even the simple task of overseeing a kangaroo relocation without backup or something. I guess he's afraid the kangaroos will be armed with sleeping bags. <br />
<br />
To make matters worse, we hear that the two dumbass kids are perfectly okay with randomly going to Australia at the last minute (and that it's downright awesome that they get to do it), just as long as they're back before breakfast. Because they'll miss waffles. Oh sure, their parents might call the police to report that their children have been kidnapped, but <i>god forbid they miss waffles</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjefNkZZ5z-sOsln9ONiwRxNvDgXb4PNplPNpN527uOyVmqZrdf29EsycM2jwwXDlZnzn_wBKDFv0ZICedIckAhjzZvqxj0UeX_QzaKUri69OLDMqgdwsZVSIHym4XAV55ORIl2a0g0tVQ/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjefNkZZ5z-sOsln9ONiwRxNvDgXb4PNplPNpN527uOyVmqZrdf29EsycM2jwwXDlZnzn_wBKDFv0ZICedIckAhjzZvqxj0UeX_QzaKUri69OLDMqgdwsZVSIHym4XAV55ORIl2a0g0tVQ/s320/widgettheworldwatcher6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Widget's luring them into a false sense of security. And then, the probings will commence.</td></tr>
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Judging by the didgeridoos that suddenly flood the soundtrack and the sudden appearance of kangaroos, we're now in Australia. You know how in Captain Planet, the animals typically have animal-like intelligence, thus giving more weight and more realism to the conservation lessons the flying blue man in spandex tries to impart on the children? This cartoon doesn't do that. Instead, when we check in on our lovely endangered kangaroos while they're getting loaded up into caravans, they're having extended conversations about whether a joey is still big enough to ride in a pouch and making really human-like gestures with their bestial claws. <br />
<br />
It's...rather jarring to say the least, and it only makes you wonder just how aware the kangaroos are about their current situation. Did they actually talk to the cattle and sheep farmers about their water shortage before arriving at this decision? How much voting power do you give to a marsupial anyways? <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh46NbdoYT5phMz1qwW_XU8w2JsKIZVMPOl9XU3C2ukUT5SJj823p19dWkf1wJ_xZBqfK-Ie-3iwyWAJwt9hoqf9VaDZ9V2ZTgG5_jhxilorOLQTEl_pKMasVaiAStY8c8LAsdHrUZhsSM/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh46NbdoYT5phMz1qwW_XU8w2JsKIZVMPOl9XU3C2ukUT5SJj823p19dWkf1wJ_xZBqfK-Ie-3iwyWAJwt9hoqf9VaDZ9V2ZTgG5_jhxilorOLQTEl_pKMasVaiAStY8c8LAsdHrUZhsSM/s320/widgettheworldwatcher7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"But, Mom! I don't wanna clean my room!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It also doesn't help that the joey has the single most annoying voice I've ever heard fall out of the mouth of a Macropodidae, and I've seen Kangaroo Jack. Unlike his mom, who sounds like she's an American voice actor trying to talk in a fake Australian accent but instead settling for a fake British accent by mistake, he just doesn't even try to sound Australian, choosing to instead adopt an annoying singsong-y kiddy voice that just sounds like the animal took one too many blows to the head in his childhood.<br />
<br />
Sadly, according to the intro that unfortunately spoiled everything, this character is going to be a major player in this entire episode. I think I officially hate Australia now for being somewhat responsible for this freakish mutant's creation.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiFgTvawk724pyBW4P3F_KXa7fiKsCCfw3p8j46Lf8ecIIS0iPA10U3K7kud4Vcjs8gw_414vP9ED4-4-dSRljFHW7_SU0o3hiv1AOlQb-lemVEL9oh03zg9tbxknqoFqDfZNeOsm_RS0/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiFgTvawk724pyBW4P3F_KXa7fiKsCCfw3p8j46Lf8ecIIS0iPA10U3K7kud4Vcjs8gw_414vP9ED4-4-dSRljFHW7_SU0o3hiv1AOlQb-lemVEL9oh03zg9tbxknqoFqDfZNeOsm_RS0/s320/widgettheworldwatcher8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Baby, you are looking fiiiiiiiiine."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And this is why, when the baby kangaroo ends up falling into a small hole and ends up getting left behind by the transport caravans (because I guess the kangaroos, which are supposedly endangered in this cartoon, aren't being supervised by any conservationists to make sure this doesn't happen), I didn't feel at all sorry for the little nuisance. Maybe in his absence, his mom can take his younger brother off of embryonic diapause and give birth to a joey with a voice that <i>doesn't</i> fill me with utter loathing.<br />
<br />
You can probably guess what the <b>real</b> plot is now just from this turn of rather uninteresting events. Despite being branded as a ecological cartoon, this episode decides to take a page out of Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers' book and have the plot be more about cute baby animal rescue. The whole "ranchers taking the kangaroos' water" is never going to be brought up again, we're not going to see any poachers or any polluters try to hurt the kangaroos, and all of the dangers presented in this cartoon are going to be completely natural as opposed to man-made. Way to miss the point as to why your cartoon was made, Widget the World Watcher. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic9p88VuMwbEkHdqAUP4zL5SWfpZqyGPj6la1JJF5tn6jSzEwTVnOkS8u4x6CAvRoiTZTmA4HyGl7wtS22FbPDN9KgW27hDdDjEsglHBPXTsPUqwxCmMhPhl31UXgEK6RwY-osMFcZ3Ik/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic9p88VuMwbEkHdqAUP4zL5SWfpZqyGPj6la1JJF5tn6jSzEwTVnOkS8u4x6CAvRoiTZTmA4HyGl7wtS22FbPDN9KgW27hDdDjEsglHBPXTsPUqwxCmMhPhl31UXgEK6RwY-osMFcZ3Ik/s320/widgettheworldwatcher9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3uPEffqhKfQhX4WC3E3cBbX5-kMEmjEecFjhA6DbEaaqC1_M2NuDCDkvfmj1_s-UhBxxFkn-uAZy-nZ4jKjtgTdfGtrUMvozuNKd0UytgTUOpggwvL8UK3CDjXwDvNbty_L5M_Tb4pmo/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3uPEffqhKfQhX4WC3E3cBbX5-kMEmjEecFjhA6DbEaaqC1_M2NuDCDkvfmj1_s-UhBxxFkn-uAZy-nZ4jKjtgTdfGtrUMvozuNKd0UytgTUOpggwvL8UK3CDjXwDvNbty_L5M_Tb4pmo/s320/widgettheworldwatcher10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So Bob, did you check to make sure we got all the kangaroos on the reserve?"<br />
"Eh. It's not like these animals are a protected species or anything."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After the oddly short caravan trip, the unnamed mother kangaroo and the unnamed father kangaroo (and oddly, despite calling this species endangered, this cartoon <i>does</i> know that female and male red kangaroos have different colorations) exit one of the caravans, hug, and go on about how beautiful the new kangaroo resort is. Somewhere along the way, they learn that the baby joey (named Jojo, because <i>get it</i>, it's a joey!) got left behind, but try as I might, but I can't stop focusing on how these animals hugged. It's just so bizarre, how much they anthropomorphize these creatures in what is supposedly a cartoon that's all about saving the environment. <br />
<br />
...although this<i> is</i> the only family of kangaroos we ever see talking and performing advanced human tasks. Maybe they're hyper-intelligent lab experiments gone wrong, mutated in a way similar to the rats of NIMH, that ended up settling in an ordinary mob of kangaroos in order to hide themselves from the cruel, unforgiving government that would rather cut them up and examine their unnatural brain tissue than allow their family to live in peace.<br />
<br />
And crap. Now I want a movie with that plot, especially if Pixar was involved. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPAhFmywUswVoceo6HNaIOvqB6CKmlxtNWRhODX93SS5j1UwNCvfSHEch36b_MI5Vwbgf7ca2BfxhvukRralA6-lNPZtrLYe354j930tQgETtpUlxgYh7-SHZxnU4BL2Pup1afDGoFJlw/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPAhFmywUswVoceo6HNaIOvqB6CKmlxtNWRhODX93SS5j1UwNCvfSHEch36b_MI5Vwbgf7ca2BfxhvukRralA6-lNPZtrLYe354j930tQgETtpUlxgYh7-SHZxnU4BL2Pup1afDGoFJlw/s320/widgettheworldwatcher11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then they were shot by poachers.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Right when they're worrying that their baby got eaten by either dingos or crocodiles (because what's a stereotypical Australian-themed cartoon without either of those animals?), that's when Widget and his two annoying human hobgoblins show up out of the sky. As expected, none of the kangaroos are at all frightened by this, and neither are the humans in charge of the reserve. I guess in a world where kangaroos hug, aliens are a regular occurrence. <br />
<br />
And we get to see just how much Widget cares about doing a good job with the whole "saving the environment" thing when he crashes his spaceship into the ground and starts bragging with his friends about the awesome loop-de-loops and spirals he did in his vehicle, trick maneuvers that caused him to lose control in the first place. Hey, thanks for digging a huge furrow <i>into a protected wildlife reserve</i>, Widget! Suppose a kangaroo happened to be standing there?<br />
<br />
And how the hell did those two kids survive the crash? From what we saw earlier, the spaceship clearly didn't have any safety restraints!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiLwoHFAh0qc_wx1wres0pgigxDn8U0sqpjMXcAPSIJ8ORL9spY3IjrAqPaZ3qPPGu69b59f4B1VAM7qkbYlmeKQU4Es2zcTMOmWcguhdAyYcaWaAQgWM1p586nxHNnoVLH_6KAR77JHU/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiLwoHFAh0qc_wx1wres0pgigxDn8U0sqpjMXcAPSIJ8ORL9spY3IjrAqPaZ3qPPGu69b59f4B1VAM7qkbYlmeKQU4Es2zcTMOmWcguhdAyYcaWaAQgWM1p586nxHNnoVLH_6KAR77JHU/s320/widgettheworldwatcher12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aww! It appeared to be caught!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since his advanced alien race feeds off of sadness, it doesn't take long for Widget to locate the distressed kangaroo family. Female kangaroo informs them that they lost their son, and she's so depressed that <i>she pulls out a handkerchief out of her pouch and starts drying her tears with it</i>. What.<br />
<br />
Remember, this is a cartoon that is supposedly dealing with more adult issues like animals needing to be moved to other locations due to a dwindling water supply thanks to competition from meat and wool industries and protected wildlife reserves that are supposed to preserve vulnerable species and animals acclimatizing to it. Any other cartoon, I would've been like "Okay, kangaroo has a handkerchief. She must also have an ironing board and an apron in that thing.", but in a cartoon that's supposed to deal with issues that happen in real life, this just doesn't fly. Why would the kangaroo have material possessions if it lives in reserves and grazes like a lowly animal? This doesn't make any sense!<br />
<br />
...and yes, I realize I'm asking for a cartoon that involves a shapeshifting purple alien that travels in a giant Poké Ball and sounds like a Disney duck to make sense. But come on, Captain Planet had more dignity. <b>Captain Planet</b>. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCyf0T5xDz3wnZk_4IEHUt8JF3Onbh7DhoKkOut6U6W3h16yhlCXNQM_WUpng97b25AH6QkVQJUPVIeg0kGt053or1zNl3pM4NGlBOyM6A-oi3QsiksaO5ELaCpZrUL0FdS10o_qV7y30/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCyf0T5xDz3wnZk_4IEHUt8JF3Onbh7DhoKkOut6U6W3h16yhlCXNQM_WUpng97b25AH6QkVQJUPVIeg0kGt053or1zNl3pM4NGlBOyM6A-oi3QsiksaO5ELaCpZrUL0FdS10o_qV7y30/s320/widgettheworldwatcher13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I can't believe they cancelled Chuck!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Widget offers to help the strange manbeasts, and, in an oddly pretentious way for something coming out of a naked purple troll, even goes on a little diatribe about how he's Widget the goddamn <b><i>World Watcher</i></b> and how there's no case too big and no case too small, and when you need help you just call <strike>Ch-ch-ch-Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers</strike> Widget! <br />
<br />
Just wondering, Widget, but the mission your Old Wise Ones gave you was to make sure that ALL of the kangaroos are happy with their new resort. From the sounds of it, you're only going to help this one couple for this entire episode. How is this fair to the other red kangaroos? What if one of the kangaroos had problems dealing with his crippling Avoidant Personality Disorder and you totally blew him over in favor of this couple?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdRG0C2UEhvLozX9U-loqKbvKNcPnqGkojmvXhrqn_rpJFiSlcdXsdWPYCfA4E_BYRaK__6ZZhnyjyTpKCZcoaejc1PHjMnEIlFkUJaF_uIm2INHWKicl836ERJBTY0lWEmx-W4EhUAms/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdRG0C2UEhvLozX9U-loqKbvKNcPnqGkojmvXhrqn_rpJFiSlcdXsdWPYCfA4E_BYRaK__6ZZhnyjyTpKCZcoaejc1PHjMnEIlFkUJaF_uIm2INHWKicl836ERJBTY0lWEmx-W4EhUAms/s320/widgettheworldwatcher14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">His wrinkled kneecaps creep me the hell out.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So the annoying half-pints are on the case (and I bet off-screen, the kangaroos are secretly wishing that they had gotten help from the Rescue Aid Society instead), and in about two seconds we learn just how unnecessary the children are and how little they add to the plot because the one voiced by Phil from Rugrats keeps filling the air with annoying babble about how much of a rugged explorer he is while the older child constantly complains about how annoying the younger sibling is while simultaneously being just as annoying. These two seem to only exist in order to make sure that this cartoon has as much unnecessary dialogue as physically possible (because god forbid a cartoon actually has moments of silence!) and man do I hate the people responsible for these two. <br />
<br />
What makes this different from any other cartoon that allows the bland child protagonists to shoot their mouths off in an attempt to appeal to the target audience is that, while this is happening, Widget just kind of stands off to the side, his expression deepening in severity as he wonders why the hell he brought these annoying little dickweeds along. He doesn't actually say anything, possibly in order to be polite and keep his child-friendly image, but you can practically taste his utter disgust. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEispiLFcsaCqbOW0RbB-E9BsOUmwSvi6MRZRv-YCdvizfr1VzXf0UKSQqzZ2JMe3ZqNQGhoViC8KL4aT13ZysrfZlPQTVHIZAWgNIVjFumX4jBMncvBvG-U5LGzpx4Gg31A8qnNHItkSMM/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEispiLFcsaCqbOW0RbB-E9BsOUmwSvi6MRZRv-YCdvizfr1VzXf0UKSQqzZ2JMe3ZqNQGhoViC8KL4aT13ZysrfZlPQTVHIZAWgNIVjFumX4jBMncvBvG-U5LGzpx4Gg31A8qnNHItkSMM/s320/widgettheworldwatcher15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm just waiting for my hideous alien larva to burst out of that kid's chest."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Widget notices that they're all lost (even though they never explain <i>why</i> they're lost when they were able to easily locate the kangaroo resort), so he decides to press his ring and...<i>oh sweet <b>jesus</b></i> <i>what the living hell am I looking at</i>. I thought I had rid myself of scary braindemons when I was done with <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/08/tak-and-power-of-juju-shrink-dink.html">that episode of Tak and the Power of Juju</a>! This isn't charming, this is creepy! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBZQsed7Ioqnslkouak0R6pbcgjYGbeFS5AZmmEb_x498n3-hnVQk2rI7_GI-McOnQZfijeVPAKws6qdAI2DdE1oBBC-oRYHIOfq4fKL94TUFrY7t4ubhHL_DhBJQiMUGT89ytYV6b_50/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBZQsed7Ioqnslkouak0R6pbcgjYGbeFS5AZmmEb_x498n3-hnVQk2rI7_GI-McOnQZfijeVPAKws6qdAI2DdE1oBBC-oRYHIOfq4fKL94TUFrY7t4ubhHL_DhBJQiMUGT89ytYV6b_50/s320/widgettheworldwatcher.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hello, kids! I'll be appearing in your nightmares tonight!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Well, okay. Obviously this came out of the left field, so let me explain this for you. It turns out that Widget, in addition to being an extraterrestrial mutant that can change form, can also summon a hideous demon at his beck and call with the press of a button located on his wrist. This horrifying being filled of nightmares and unholiness is named <strike>Megamind</strike> Mega Brain, who is supposed to be the brains of the group (well, duh), and he's just as culturally insensitive as his master because the moment he pops into existence, he yells "G'day!" while wearing a comically oversized hat. Even grotesque mockeries of natural law like to make fun of the Australians.<br />
<br />
And, to make things worse, after he <i>doesn't</i> help the group pinpoint their location (making his demonic summoning entirely pointless), he instead informs everyone that there are more poisonous snakes in Australia than anywhere else on Earth. I just love the look on Widget's face when he hears this too. I guess I can't completely hate this eldritch abomination <i>too</i> much if he's going to be such an asshole to his friends, especially considering he's voiced by one of the best voice actors of the 90's, Jim Cummings. Therefore, when Mega Brain talks, he sounds like a bizarre mix of like twenty different cartoon characters all at the same time.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ1chCgtnBhSGomzLCKYKBrVX61yoo39OuyMxFQ84wrknkqOueBTI-2iCKkVNrFB_Rvco7N5gnDcj68-JSNgCmN4163Q-gptKQtSbsM2RxUtT2ICd3paOKkW5mQDRgyf7dwe_YZLXxjeY/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ1chCgtnBhSGomzLCKYKBrVX61yoo39OuyMxFQ84wrknkqOueBTI-2iCKkVNrFB_Rvco7N5gnDcj68-JSNgCmN4163Q-gptKQtSbsM2RxUtT2ICd3paOKkW5mQDRgyf7dwe_YZLXxjeY/s320/widgettheworldwatcher1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The test results are in, Widget. It's cancer."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Oddly, once Scary Nightmare disappears, Widget, Annoying Kid 1, and Annoying Kid 2 encounter what else but a group of deadly, poisonous, generic cartoon snakes. Ten bucks says that Mega Brain totally summoned those creatures out of thin air using his reality-bending psychic powers in order to get rid of his alien master and finally take over the universe. <br />
<br />
By the way, even though all they have to do to avoid the snakes is run in the opposite direction, I just want to point out a couple things about this scene. First, Australia has very distinct poisonous snakes, and none of them gather in groups like this. Second, one of the first things you learn about venomous snakes is that most of the species are not at all vicious, choosing only to attack humans if provoked. And finally,<i> how come these snakes can't talk</i>? The kangaroos could talk, hug, and could even produce their own handkerchiefs!<br />
<br />
Unless in Widget's universe, the only animals that can talk are the cute, herbivorous animals and not the icky reptiles and carnivores. Unfortunately, this theory only gets reinforced by what comes up later. Widget the World Watcher, everybody; while teaching your kids how to save the environment, he's also going to stick to harmful animal stereotypes. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifNeRJpcUoPWP4aLStTumG4WbxIZukk_ziHgyS0hvsWfozJVwW2aqefJhyOeyfSUuR8To3_mMMpcVOLY1SolAdCL4CD3_QEj5po_BdS2BSBVU-UC8Y2tLp7b1vJxWq-blFd7sifjnrxvU/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifNeRJpcUoPWP4aLStTumG4WbxIZukk_ziHgyS0hvsWfozJVwW2aqefJhyOeyfSUuR8To3_mMMpcVOLY1SolAdCL4CD3_QEj5po_BdS2BSBVU-UC8Y2tLp7b1vJxWq-blFd7sifjnrxvU/s320/widgettheworldwatcher2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These snakes automatically hate the heroes because they're evil, unholy creatures!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So they run from the venomous monsters, and since they're still lost in the Outback...forest...wherever the hell they are, the little doofuses have to resort to asking a koala for directions. I feel like I have to paste the phrase "I'm not kidding, this actually happened" to anything I say about this cartoon from now on. Yes, our next plot point is interrogating arboreal marsupials. <br />
<br />
They do get directions from the koala, since, unlike the snakes, it's cute and therefore capable of intelligent speech. But for some reason, this koala sounds incredibly stoned (man, what was in those eucalyptus leaves?) and the directions she gives them are extremely vague. In her words, in order to reach the baby kangaroo, they need to reach the Billabong near the Never-Never in the back of Beyond. <br />
<br />
...well. That certainly narrows things down.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5igaJbfNcIISLTywYUq1bGIl8D-qw5eUsFdOtaqKo-zMLUwDyU0NMsooDOsTIC4QxSlX2HFmPrcdfMjTkL41dX0Nza6h6Y7dJIklAEiIJd0KMGsFpSV-aD67NKzhT8gTC84uYKEa1L4A/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5igaJbfNcIISLTywYUq1bGIl8D-qw5eUsFdOtaqKo-zMLUwDyU0NMsooDOsTIC4QxSlX2HFmPrcdfMjTkL41dX0Nza6h6Y7dJIklAEiIJd0KMGsFpSV-aD67NKzhT8gTC84uYKEa1L4A/s320/widgettheworldwatcher3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, is anyone else in the mood for tacos?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Those directions were totally crap, so Widget, after getting inspiration from a random Sulphur-crested Cockatoo (because this cartoon is trying to be educational in showing us random Australian wildlife, despite showing us generic venomous snakes earlier) landing right next to them, realizes that he's a goddamn shapeshifter and turns into one himself. This is the meat of the entire show, the reason why Widget exists and what sets him apart from other ecological superheroes. He can turn into any animal he pleases to help save the environment by spinning in place until he magically poofs into that animal. It's kind of a shame that they didn't go all out with the transformation sequences and had Widget screaming in agony as he grows wings and feathers, if only because it would've made this cartoon slightly more interesting and mentally scarring.<br />
<br />
Someone with a keen eye can instantly notice that no matter what form Widget turns into, he always retains his purple colorations and he can never shapeshift his tail away. I <i>guess</i> this is so the viewer can pick Widget from a crowd in case he's on the same screen as other animals his species, but that's such an unfortunate character flaw that prevents Widget from ever going undercover and experiencing life the way the Earthlings do, which I imagine is why he has these powers in the first place. What if Widget wanted to be human for a while? Purple skin and strange, crooked tails tend to raise questions.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFutwStrPpwOPREViNrIulMHRnTxP5qyjj0Xr8rdu35rWJ9zTtyupZ8JwdvsXzANorTITTyA5DBRxw8ugMA-D2TeMNSS3zbdPH5CABOj42OZQll-UnJxzenHMcVIgjkm6PJ14R7bk_HB4/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFutwStrPpwOPREViNrIulMHRnTxP5qyjj0Xr8rdu35rWJ9zTtyupZ8JwdvsXzANorTITTyA5DBRxw8ugMA-D2TeMNSS3zbdPH5CABOj42OZQll-UnJxzenHMcVIgjkm6PJ14R7bk_HB4/s320/widgettheworldwatcher4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So this cartoon contains animals, shapeshifting, and alien invaders. <br />
I wonder if Animorphs was based off of this...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So the appalling purple monster flies around, powered by its own hatred of all that is wholesome and good, until, sure enough, Widget spots the kangaroo baby. That's when he utters a downright egotistical line, one that makes me want to reach in through the screen and punch Widget right in his unidentifiable reproductive organs. <br />
<br />
"Purple pulsars! It looks like Widget the World Watcher is gonna save the day!" <br />
<br />
Man, usually when the character is this obnoxiously self-centered, the cartoon turns it into a character flaw instead of presenting it in a meant-to-be-charming manner. That's why I applauded when an eagle appeared out of nowhere and tried to eat Widget. Good job, nature! Smite the monstrous alien that takes the form of your beloved creations!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkQfp1ZQhCy-vg_QNcRsW7VAtcDEqxOwJPbuVlH3H5Phabo9bESIiQU9O5rRs58fjk51lJMqBtiNGPogEfNHTbZdGZoKkDIFWO_N6VndGxznh06FI6tgRnYKuh5U7T5PlNA4mdV3L35no/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkQfp1ZQhCy-vg_QNcRsW7VAtcDEqxOwJPbuVlH3H5Phabo9bESIiQU9O5rRs58fjk51lJMqBtiNGPogEfNHTbZdGZoKkDIFWO_N6VndGxznh06FI6tgRnYKuh5U7T5PlNA4mdV3L35no/s320/widgettheworldwatcher5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So the eagle can't talk either...?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
How does Widget deal with this eagle? <br />
<br />
Simple. In order to scare the creature off, he turns into a dragon. <br />
<br />
...a rather ugly, off-putting sins against nature type of dragon that manages to still have his face, but hey, it's the thought that counts. It's a shame that he didn't turn into a ichor-spewing tentacled abomination with seventeen gaping mouths that each contain a separate dimension, a being so hideous and ugly that it drives the eagle mad and the poor mortal creature has a fatal stroke just trying to comprehend Widget's real form. But in the show's defense, that would've been really hard to animate. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsWPrdSReN4R5SYg_aPsX8jZ1BTDMp8m4jaUqfMsPULiU0OgnDU1HRe1pZInkzsvvcgVLJ4Wy5wE-CqicgUDluRg8N9cMswrH9WJIsIzaHelvgMSYMBN45zZkIj2kJ5kOxFGkwUlHPwhE/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsWPrdSReN4R5SYg_aPsX8jZ1BTDMp8m4jaUqfMsPULiU0OgnDU1HRe1pZInkzsvvcgVLJ4Wy5wE-CqicgUDluRg8N9cMswrH9WJIsIzaHelvgMSYMBN45zZkIj2kJ5kOxFGkwUlHPwhE/s320/widgettheworldwatcher6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And I'm certain none of the locals saw the mythical creature suddenly appear out of nowhere...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But he lost the kangaroo somehow, even though he just showed us that he can turn into a dragon and would therefore be able to cover way more ground. So he goes down back to his friends to report his failures and that's when we find that the cartoon has gone into strange, offensive territories. <br />
<br />
That's because the two bland, uninteresting kids have been cornered by Australian Aborigines, and the sight of these strange, awkwardly-dressed strangers just standing there and doing nothing is so frightening that the two kids <i>are actually shaking and so afraid that they can't talk</i> <i>and need Widget to talk to them for them</i>. All because two people with slightly darker skin appeared in front of them. Holy crap. There are no words for the amount of offensiveness that has been directly beamed into my eyes. <br />
<br />
Without spoiling anything, this episode is the reason why I'm glad that Ferngully didn't have any native tribes in their movie, choosing to instead go the "this is Australia even though no one has an accent" route. This cartoon handles the subject of native Australians with the delicacy of a sledgehammer. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5v6r3H39ZuUR6puwm7XczDQNxdzz8Ue6pzTfosQsLYItprvrDv_w50qaQlTITxS2ySBSIzqzeLOKVsVJVdPXpaSV0eqXTF6rcg9p8xvxrR6jo091o5sgDzMr_OmYMVDrEQ0cV9j8TIf0/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5v6r3H39ZuUR6puwm7XczDQNxdzz8Ue6pzTfosQsLYItprvrDv_w50qaQlTITxS2ySBSIzqzeLOKVsVJVdPXpaSV0eqXTF6rcg9p8xvxrR6jo091o5sgDzMr_OmYMVDrEQ0cV9j8TIf0/s320/widgettheworldwatcher7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I see the grandfather is rocking the bandanna, dried pineapple, and shorts combo that's custom to his tribe. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Want to know why Widget utterly fails at being a "world watcher"? The Aborigines terrify him so much (dude, what the hell, all they're doing is standing there! What's there to be afraid of when you can turn into <i>a <b>dragon</b></i>?) that he has to consult his frightening disembodied head named Mega Brain to find a way to speak "Aborigine". Hate to nitpick, but that makes as much as sense as trying to speak "Native American". There are different languages that exist among the many different tribes in Australia. <br />
<br />
But you have to picture this scene from the Aborigines' point of view. They find two Caucasian males stranded in the middle of nowhere, and all of a sudden, a honest to god <i>purple dragon</i> falls from the sky and transforms into hideous balding elf with lavender skin. And then, after he babbles in tongues to his loyal minions, he conjures several decapitated body parts that only remotely resemble something human and can perform frightening tasks like suddenly manifesting material objects like an oversized dictionary. I bet the reason our two Aborigines are both wearing brown pants is so that we don't see them crapping themselves in fear. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-Euq46-qCD70j_Ykx3DAAJa-Ew1FT19UO7ZS4uUo1VEKkqLpi-kz9dlGqIBFKdVDHdDNQC_kozWP0O-7n49DlLrXfnCX4reQ0OsD6slitLTrtYJ6MwvEaoXVTyZ48mCMlYJsjYN4oZ1I/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-Euq46-qCD70j_Ykx3DAAJa-Ew1FT19UO7ZS4uUo1VEKkqLpi-kz9dlGqIBFKdVDHdDNQC_kozWP0O-7n49DlLrXfnCX4reQ0OsD6slitLTrtYJ6MwvEaoXVTyZ48mCMlYJsjYN4oZ1I/s320/widgettheworldwatcher8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCVlYxQJgHyDsw3fJeXV3YjKDrP2u3lu-OZ0ws-szutcee7Cym1hTPGcC2heh80Wl_E2vbQ0hSBvnbrY2cEFDapOH7gLE5avAf3U6Y76HESK9aP6rsWk9XklXVeG3GaPVb_nksdXqTSik/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCVlYxQJgHyDsw3fJeXV3YjKDrP2u3lu-OZ0ws-szutcee7Cym1hTPGcC2heh80Wl_E2vbQ0hSBvnbrY2cEFDapOH7gLE5avAf3U6Y76HESK9aP6rsWk9XklXVeG3GaPVb_nksdXqTSik/s320/widgettheworldwatcher9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You know, this seemed like a way better plan in my head."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Luckily, the tribesmen can in fact speak English, which means that the reason they didn't say anything to any of our main characters earlier is because these two are assholes and just wanted to mess with the stupid white people and their magical gremlins from outer space. You gotta love how they just take all of the events taking place in front of them in stride. The grandpa Aborigine doesn't even so much as flinch when Mega Brain starts singing a song about his name. (and yes, <i>this actually happened</i>) Either these two are astonishingly laid-back individuals or Australia is even more of a hellish landscape than I could ever imagine. <br />
<br />
So they introduce themselves to the frightening hellbeasts, but since their personalities are so bland and their names are so indistinct (seriously, the younger one is named Jim. <i>Jim</i>.) that I'm probably going to call them Old Aborigine and Young Aborigine from now on. They only exist so that the animation studio can gain street cred for having different ethnicities in their productions, no matter how boring the end product happens to be. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcsp0ZIjIOQ50HXNdPe1pvGePyn2aQG3ceAkuI_yuXt2jvVVCh8UiDhCwH8bMKiyfJFgNGP5wm3-yLyfXq7ifvzJ2VQMte_3qDwEo6FJ12TuETT48xnnS39eCA-X8qAMOf1vqHr-4NcA0/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcsp0ZIjIOQ50HXNdPe1pvGePyn2aQG3ceAkuI_yuXt2jvVVCh8UiDhCwH8bMKiyfJFgNGP5wm3-yLyfXq7ifvzJ2VQMte_3qDwEo6FJ12TuETT48xnnS39eCA-X8qAMOf1vqHr-4NcA0/s320/widgettheworldwatcher10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Whatever you do, don't make fun of my grandfather lack of nipples and chest hair. He's very sensitive about it."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And all of my respect for them (what little I had, anyways) goes completely out the window when the grandfather Aborigine, like any good cartoon tribesman stereotype who's more in tune with the Earth than the more commercial, polluting members of the cast, tells Widget that his tribe has legends of sky creatures that can fly like birds and can help both humans and animals. And Widget automatically assumes they're talking about him.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Excuse me. I think my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I'm going to need surgery to correct my eyesight. Normally when a cartoon is this fantastically racist, it at least gives you a warning so you're expecting it. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5zCfpkFrbHOY0xK0gz4mPaNpNGD4BP4JzqqvGjOdMk3Ng5MyyQO_QtTOMfDrqBxuZ_nb0pEOmunN_KmEdUV9qcHkOznZM3Uj_AAkABjy4pGvajsOmZ96cB_t2rZ8FmpUnBcXkZgn29bs/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5zCfpkFrbHOY0xK0gz4mPaNpNGD4BP4JzqqvGjOdMk3Ng5MyyQO_QtTOMfDrqBxuZ_nb0pEOmunN_KmEdUV9qcHkOznZM3Uj_AAkABjy4pGvajsOmZ96cB_t2rZ8FmpUnBcXkZgn29bs/s320/widgettheworldwatcher11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Which legend about my people talks about the day when my planet sends our space armada <br />
to your pitiful world and enslaves your weak, pathetic species?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Sadly, it just continues to get worse, my friends. The younger Aborigine (by the way, why isn't he shirtless and shoeless like his embarrassing elder?) then says, in a voice that is completely lacking in sarcasm and irony, "We Aborigines are skilled trackers!" <br />
<br />
No. <b>No</b>. Don't make me roll up a newspaper and hit you on the nose, cartoon! You don't make natives show up just so they're skilled trackers and have the white kids stand back in amazement! <i>What the hell is wrong with you?</i> <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMj6xigB4mql46zW6m2iRv2aNDuTH-NpJGEjmD8U8iUwL2h_q3vjiGV-yXXRnAhQXU6Xhexfk6t_iQk6DjscBcDJuXgJ93R0NmuEnYoI1ISUjrkWLHaknbsp8DLLLNo7Ig7CE3pl1hzuo/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMj6xigB4mql46zW6m2iRv2aNDuTH-NpJGEjmD8U8iUwL2h_q3vjiGV-yXXRnAhQXU6Xhexfk6t_iQk6DjscBcDJuXgJ93R0NmuEnYoI1ISUjrkWLHaknbsp8DLLLNo7Ig7CE3pl1hzuo/s320/widgettheworldwatcher12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Racial insensitivity.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After a brief demonstration on his superior tracking abilities, which involves parting some bushes and scaring a kangaroo rat (which aren't native to Australia, by the way), the young Aborigine gets to go with them because, according to the old Aborigine, there is a legend involving flying sky creatures that can help end this drought. Oh that wacky indigenous Australian; he has a legend for everything and it's always related to flying sky creatures for some reason. <br />
<br />
In other words, <i>woooooow</i>. There's insensitive and then there's <b> this</b>. When I started watching this cartoon, I was hoping that they didn't make Australians out to be displeasing Steve Irwin parodies, but after seeing this frighteningly xenophobic trainwreck, I would've vastly preferred that. <br />
<br />
So, judging by what I learned so far, Australia is filled with poisonous snakes, stock Australian animals, and horrible stereotypes. What an educational experience!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvicQpozpGr1AeLbCY0sYppAdeTMSgp-aQ-gWUqlkcivr-dRDK3ytfYQYNKYs_Bxg3OwnaIaBkBgdhwUKbd8jnuhEk5v0BHEkw0_8m8fzoJ-nL2772BHmsK93N82HOUteqlj9WbOIUigQ/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvicQpozpGr1AeLbCY0sYppAdeTMSgp-aQ-gWUqlkcivr-dRDK3ytfYQYNKYs_Bxg3OwnaIaBkBgdhwUKbd8jnuhEk5v0BHEkw0_8m8fzoJ-nL2772BHmsK93N82HOUteqlj9WbOIUigQ/s320/widgettheworldwatcher13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Grandpa never was the same after he suffered that stroke..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But that's enough racism for now. It's now time to check on Jojo the kangaroo, who happens to be relaxing near a river next to an echidna. It's sad what this cartoon has driven me too. I started this episode absolutely hating this character and his squeaky, annoying voice that gives me PTSD-induced flashbacks to Bat-Mite, but now that he's on the screen, I can breathe a sigh of relief because he's not an Aborigine talking about legends of sky creatures or going on about how awesome their tracking is.<br />
<br />
This scene is kind of weird, because while the kangaroo is posing like a human, doing human gestures (I want to know if kangaroos can even physically perform some of the tasks this cartoon depicts them as doing), and using human slang, the cartoon then implies that the animals can't speak each other's language because the echidna is totally silent during this entire scene. Unless he's so annoyed by such blatant display of cutesy-wutesy (this kangaroo's voice is the physical embodiment of a migraine) that he figures he's not going to waste his time. Kangaroos are assholes anyways.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim19uH4yX-8Rk5N01RjSG-N8kq8FhV9FXE4Vje7NlA8sgRBIYGGTYgpz0zUmEGQ4CjzUFBdbhqk8QfYrIY5MYI7k9B79AR8E-m6a-jU9dbOsEdCWAj80T5Mb6SS6zONa71dbf2FqxYCUM/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim19uH4yX-8Rk5N01RjSG-N8kq8FhV9FXE4Vje7NlA8sgRBIYGGTYgpz0zUmEGQ4CjzUFBdbhqk8QfYrIY5MYI7k9B79AR8E-m6a-jU9dbOsEdCWAj80T5Mb6SS6zONa71dbf2FqxYCUM/s320/widgettheworldwatcher14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"How goes guarding the Master Emerald?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But life is hard when you're a monotonous little kangaroo that thinks being cute is a personality trait, for a freshwater crocodile appears, joining the ever-expanding list of carnivores that don't talk in this cartoon and only exist to be mean to the more loveable, nice animals. And, even though the crocodile only slowly drifts to the right and opens his mouth instead of, you know, lunging forward and crushing any bones with his powerful jaws, Jojo acts like he's in a ton of danger and quickly abandons the river. What if the crocodile just wanted to talk? He can't help looking scary with his razor-sharp teeth and his beady reptilian eyes!<br />
<br />
I also just want to point out that if this cartoon was actually doing its job and being educational, that baby kangaroo, since he didn't notice the crocodile until he was well within striking range, would've been dragged underwater, killed by the crocodile's powerful and infamous "death roll" hunting technique, and later ripped to bite-sized chunks. Any children's cartoon that has enough balls to introduce a typical baby animal character and then have that character killed would instantly become a classic, I guarantee. Just look at Animals of Farthing Wood.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1r-5cBUcByW0JxKVQAk8x1VlRIOGJBHaFeMyX-r-mZTioDeUoitl818Oikf9QFG1ZsC3Xygv9dY0JHcnmrWjaFxvrXCZRnldQSEhvDqS4TUp4M6kMtd6e7g5Kz3DUyL-sIyDkGiJbMiM/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1r-5cBUcByW0JxKVQAk8x1VlRIOGJBHaFeMyX-r-mZTioDeUoitl818Oikf9QFG1ZsC3Xygv9dY0JHcnmrWjaFxvrXCZRnldQSEhvDqS4TUp4M6kMtd6e7g5Kz3DUyL-sIyDkGiJbMiM/s320/widgettheworldwatcher15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Excuse me, but that's MY river you're sticking your grimy, disease-coated paws into."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After that narrow brush with death, the kangaroo, in a last-ditch attempt to tug at our heartstrings, bursts into tears (even though kangaroos are physically unable to cry) and says that he'll find his family in this godforsaken Outback even if it takes forever. No offense, Jojo, but judging by your survival tactics you helpfully demonstrated earlier with the crocodile, you're going to get eaten by predators or die of starvation way before "forever" happens. <br />
<br />
I love how absolutely cheesy Jojo's close-up is, by the way. It's not enough to hear the marsupial come to grips with the fact that, due to his stupidity, he's never going to see his fellow kangaroos ever again and he's never going to enjoy suckling his mom's elongated teat nestled in her pouch. We also have to see the majestic, heartbroken tears roll down his face. I think the next time someone posts something stupid on one of the message boards I frequent, I'm using this as a reaction image. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ8dn56bXK7etKOLzsbnfCj15hJEvFdGG2WhdxPFLTwuYg9m5RlGwItb-ObfTLC9UNFgLsWyuzjGCbjsIpgbVkzmi43g70-7qiQUTBqTsBiFenrF1OO7VVt4CJd7TBVsMGshjTzPxd39Q/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ8dn56bXK7etKOLzsbnfCj15hJEvFdGG2WhdxPFLTwuYg9m5RlGwItb-ObfTLC9UNFgLsWyuzjGCbjsIpgbVkzmi43g70-7qiQUTBqTsBiFenrF1OO7VVt4CJd7TBVsMGshjTzPxd39Q/s320/widgettheworldwatcher16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't worry, Sheila. I'm sure you'll appear in another Spyro the Dragon game in the future...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So we check back up on the troupe of annoying clowns, who are enjoying a light lunch while sitting on some random rocks (because they're in the Outback, I guess) and...oh dear lord, <b><i>the white American children are asking the Aborigines to show them how to throw a boomerang</i></b>.<br />
<br />
...it's official. This cartoon is making me feel highly uncomfortable. <br />
<br />
Also, I find it funny how so far, the only thing Kevin and Brian (I had to look up their names, <i>that's</i> how much I give a damn about these two) have contributed to this cartoon are annoyance and cultural ignorance. Why the hell do they even exist again? It feels like you could digitally remove these characters with Photoshop and still have the exact same product on your hands. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7bp91e6wXi3HgN_-vEriRnyONrB8TML25UYvjQJrTvBV4qYWi_Cm-5yekrBfAMaXLbZbgTOCpnH4CSWYSSJnGVt13JzW43rtHdQthkxiWocaLAKVxnRZA2vi_vv9fMtgCRQT0xt6K6ik/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7bp91e6wXi3HgN_-vEriRnyONrB8TML25UYvjQJrTvBV4qYWi_Cm-5yekrBfAMaXLbZbgTOCpnH4CSWYSSJnGVt13JzW43rtHdQthkxiWocaLAKVxnRZA2vi_vv9fMtgCRQT0xt6K6ik/s320/widgettheworldwatcher17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"If you ask me to wrestle a crocodile or fry a shrimp on the barbie, it's perfectly legal for me <br />
to ram this boomerang down your throat."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So Kevin (who happens to be the older brother that sounds like Max from Goof Troop) practices with a boomerang and, since his entire body is filled with suck and fail, he narrowly avoids slicing Widget in half with it. Damn. So close and yet so far.<br />
<br />
Incidentally, boomerangs were historically used by the indigenous people of Australia in order to hunt animals including <i>kangaroos</i>. Wouldn't be ironic if Kevin's throw ended up sailing so wildly off-course that it struck Jojo the baby kangaroo in the neck and killed him? And then the rest of the episode could involve Widget using his shapeshifting powers to make Jojo's death look like an accident by turning into different carnivores and mangling the corpse to disguise the real cause of death, all so that he doesn't get his World Watcher license revoked from the Old Wise Ones. <br />
<br />
Speaking of the Old Wise Ones, whatever happened to that whole "make sure the kangaroos are adapting to their new home" mission that Widget was supposed to do?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglSeAgRLpOk3_piaILOjIuPe_y3IGv_NuUNWaNB-htkDsRA2L8L9uWSCXM0hB0-2f6oyilRqkflWVKvXTgmVDo6ZzKViyeVEtj-8d9h1-oWPlux6V8_L6tO8s-TF0Y5cCCDKBjwTIo8lQ/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglSeAgRLpOk3_piaILOjIuPe_y3IGv_NuUNWaNB-htkDsRA2L8L9uWSCXM0hB0-2f6oyilRqkflWVKvXTgmVDo6ZzKViyeVEtj-8d9h1-oWPlux6V8_L6tO8s-TF0Y5cCCDKBjwTIo8lQ/s320/widgettheworldwatcher.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can boomerangs even slice this efficiently?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The Aborigine, possibly silently mocking the tourist in his head after seeing that pisspoor attempt, then hands the brat the boomerang as a gift, possibly hoping that it will shut his dumb ass up. That's when Brian spots Jojo in his binoculars and, when he hands them off to the Old Aborigine on account he can't identify the other animals following him, we hear that Jojo's getting chased by dingos. Which are, in the old guy's words, "as dangerous and as fierce as hungry wolves". Okay then. I guess we couldn't have an episode in Australia without alluding to the classic "Dingo ate my baby" joke.<br />
<br />
...so, <i>how</i> did Jojo run into the pack of hungry, ravenous dingoes? Considering he's a baby, just one dingo is enough to kill him and eat him. Having a whole pack chase after him just makes this situation even worse, because it's implying that this drought Australia is suffering is so bad that the dingo packs are being driven to desperation. <br />
<br />
I also like that the Old Aborigine just says that the baby kangaroo "is in terrible danger". How terribly vague. Come on, Brian and Kevin are old enough to handle the truth. You can say that the bloodthirsty hunters are inches away from eviscerating that baby kangaroo for sustenance.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBcWb0FDkaAmlEo0KcTnBUHWao5VfimQGllV_NVFGaYDZUPI3wMDSK9477NUD7v-rU2waHGAosWCDu6u7x-W3d5jo9BBe6G1ahCHaSGbSGGVO7-FXHQmNMovE0ImeWs_yZ1YBnA4ijV9w/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBcWb0FDkaAmlEo0KcTnBUHWao5VfimQGllV_NVFGaYDZUPI3wMDSK9477NUD7v-rU2waHGAosWCDu6u7x-W3d5jo9BBe6G1ahCHaSGbSGGVO7-FXHQmNMovE0ImeWs_yZ1YBnA4ijV9w/s320/widgettheworldwatcher1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, I'm sure the baby kangaroo can outrun the-oh, nevermind. One of the dingos just ripped out his throat."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
With a really weird exclamation ("Galactic Ghost Grease"? The <i>hell</i>?) to show that he means business, Widget then shapeshifts into a kangaroo. I think I found the reason why this cartoon exists. One of the head animators wanted to draw the main character as a kangaroo, so they wrote a really bland, nonsensical, poorly researched episode around that idea to justify the transformation. It would explain why there's an utter lack of environmentalism in this episode (save for the brief reference to cattle and sheep ranchers at the very beginning) despite the fact that this is an environmentalist cartoon.<br />
<br />
Also, Widget has a pouch. Which is something only female kangaroos have because that's how they care and nurse their young. Umm...<br />
<br />
And oddly, this scene where he's a kangaroo and gestures to his devout followers is a lot more smoothly animated than any other piece of animation in this entire episode. Weirdest production bump <i>ever</i>. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAkKf7jq8HWDhNYtSDgQFjmP_UonZLP9UIfGgLQQaJFRuaXTaRd_po5hPA7mkIsJDyfSoBKZ7BnTuFxG1QnaIaVXmKBVMDldu7J-iAhwbWu0Og8bRGzyf36El9k0oF0LfziI-mEQi3iDk/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAkKf7jq8HWDhNYtSDgQFjmP_UonZLP9UIfGgLQQaJFRuaXTaRd_po5hPA7mkIsJDyfSoBKZ7BnTuFxG1QnaIaVXmKBVMDldu7J-iAhwbWu0Og8bRGzyf36El9k0oF0LfziI-mEQi3iDk/s320/widgettheworldwatcher2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can't help but picture a shapeshifter's duel between him and Project GeeKeR. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
What makes this even grosser is that one of the kids <i>hops into the pouch</i>, because I guess the alien that can change shape and can turn into things like dragons and intergalactic space octopi needs an extra set of hands on this daring mission against the dingo menace. Despite what the cartoons say (except for The Simpsons, because they actually used this as a gag), a kangaroo's pouch is very slimy and gross, and we certainly can't ride in one without severely hurting the poor kangaroo because the pouch is meant for creatures much smaller than a human child.<br />
<br />
...but I'm willing to let this slide, since Widget is a horrifying alien monster, after all. I'm sure he has some sort of intergalactic superstrength at his side and, when he transformed, he made sure his pouch was free of disgusting bodily fluids and nipples. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmE3cdOWw8k_InMEJVoVRLJD7Esdojd9BeijNT29G96S3WYSOwEet80H43V2hhdqWrAm_zKg8AJWHWabYhWtLexB1SefVBzLpYx13zeBkDM-iH1qt4D3ddgDzsm9ubnMg8A7FhR8Z2C5Q/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmE3cdOWw8k_InMEJVoVRLJD7Esdojd9BeijNT29G96S3WYSOwEet80H43V2hhdqWrAm_zKg8AJWHWabYhWtLexB1SefVBzLpYx13zeBkDM-iH1qt4D3ddgDzsm9ubnMg8A7FhR8Z2C5Q/s320/widgettheworldwatcher3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm sure this is a fetish somewhere on the Internet.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So they save the kangaroo from the dingos by...hopping in front of the dingos, hoping that the dingos will attack them instead. Smart?<br />
<br />
...oh, so <i>that's</i> why he made one of the kids jump in his pouch. Widget's obviously seen A Cry in the Dark.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUomjeXQUzwur85T0JF5yvJpYiHX281bEzQ3Ew0UWYc7cuheb8iNddFnxQs2tLPOn6lChVRQ6XylJKQ-UdS9q3_E1vieSbXPGAlVHc5w5Z9NSXCv79RQWLtEFuIzviHsPyPzWDuWU8jFE/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUomjeXQUzwur85T0JF5yvJpYiHX281bEzQ3Ew0UWYc7cuheb8iNddFnxQs2tLPOn6lChVRQ6XylJKQ-UdS9q3_E1vieSbXPGAlVHc5w5Z9NSXCv79RQWLtEFuIzviHsPyPzWDuWU8jFE/s320/widgettheworldwatcher4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Quick, grab the bottle of barbecue sauce in my pouch and cover yourself with it. That'll distract them!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And then, while Widget is holding the starving dingoes off by being a big, delicious target that's a big part of a dingo's natural diet, the little kid climbs out of Widget's pouch, approaches the frightened baby kangaroo, and shows how much he understands wildlife by petting a wild animal, one that's currently very frightened and can attack without warning. Come on, kid, if you're going to assist a character that's supposedly protecting our planet, you could at least bring some equipment along to help restrain the baby kangaroo so it doesn't bolt and get itself killed. <br />
<br />
I will like to take the time to point out that this cartoon is careful never to show the kangaroos talk when they're not just by themselves or around Widget. I guess this implies that only Widget (and to a lesser extent, Mega Brain, since he had that book that listed "Aardvark" and "Abominable Snowman" as possible language choices) can talk to animals, but that sure doesn't explain the handkerchief and the hug from earlier. Do animals just exhibit human behavior like that when we're not aware? What has my cat been doing behind my back all this time?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSiFcYSGE7gca_cOdf4-CF4lixOdFN_TLvtSaBGmWVQZLdYjgVdMxzrXBwp8dwneK6kR1khwMy7c-0wdOve_2FTqDbkaacAoxyc6xWU8bPwn95ABXy26qv7nJcmemCgffVAB2znaYW3T4/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSiFcYSGE7gca_cOdf4-CF4lixOdFN_TLvtSaBGmWVQZLdYjgVdMxzrXBwp8dwneK6kR1khwMy7c-0wdOve_2FTqDbkaacAoxyc6xWU8bPwn95ABXy26qv7nJcmemCgffVAB2znaYW3T4/s320/widgettheworldwatcher5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then he contacts rabies.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, Kevin is bored because the purple gremlin gave him the ever-important job of "keeping watch". He's sure sick of his equally boring brother hogging up all of the spotlight, but he's going to need a miracle in order to make him an important part of this episode. <br />
<br />
Luckily, a rather racist, stereotypical miracle shows up just in time to make Kevin relevant to the plot. Remember how those two Aborigines were just totally insensitive parodies of the native peoples that inhabit the Australian landmass and how they were all about hokey legends, tracking things, and boomerangs? Wouldn't it be great if they showed up with emus out of nowhere and called them the race cars of Australia?<br />
<br />
And that's exactly what they do. I hope someone got fired for this episode.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwXub-aX5Sxl3-l9Cz06CxkxIUqZteg1qIxkrK9-cUvgQSvrfb0HLTgQRiPZj12C3aouPBdK8_r8elMY0KYlJySx_dv4UbvpJZ88xIO1oI17VNBlnVf46dJOSmsYgwL_udmlaKOGjUXpE/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwXub-aX5Sxl3-l9Cz06CxkxIUqZteg1qIxkrK9-cUvgQSvrfb0HLTgQRiPZj12C3aouPBdK8_r8elMY0KYlJySx_dv4UbvpJZ88xIO1oI17VNBlnVf46dJOSmsYgwL_udmlaKOGjUXpE/s320/widgettheworldwatcher6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, the Star Wars Extended Universe sure is strange...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While Kevin is learning how to ride an emu (and while I hope Kevin fails during said emu ride and cracks his skull open), Widget is beating up the dingos with his spectacular kangaroo fighting abilities!<br />
<br />
...hate to break it to Widget, but dingoes don't attack one at a time. If there's a pack of dingoes, Widget's pretty much screwed because they're going to work together and make sure that they don't leave until they have a kangaroo carcass to feast on. Or an alien corpse after he reverted back to his original form. I'm not sure what would happen if you killed Widget while he was shapeshifted.<br />
<br />
And, again, Widget doesn't just talk to the dingoes and explain his problem, choosing to instead beat them up for <i>daring</i> to be carnivorous. Why can't his mystical Dr. Dolittle-esque abilities work on animals that eat meat?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO4rxiWPqIK2cXN-li04fMwluJlQxKxrNiG8WQdLoZcdje_XZRj5R20JL57VyMFQf-n5V-Sdk9w3DczAYGc5riJvsJuugMb3OJRWaglVzAU9H9tHH9LmVUw0wMXaHoq4gu5uW8jKm6CVA/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO4rxiWPqIK2cXN-li04fMwluJlQxKxrNiG8WQdLoZcdje_XZRj5R20JL57VyMFQf-n5V-Sdk9w3DczAYGc5riJvsJuugMb3OJRWaglVzAU9H9tHH9LmVUw0wMXaHoq4gu5uW8jKm6CVA/s320/widgettheworldwatcher7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now would be a good time to point out that dingoes are more endangered than kangaroos. <i>Good going</i>, Widget.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But then, while Widget is violently assaulting a pack of wild animals that are actually a protected, vulnerable species in some parts of Australia, saltwater crocodiles show up! <br />
<br />
...even though they're on dry land. And saltwater crocodiles don't typically walk around actively searching for prey, choosing to instead eat whatever enters their territory. And they don't hunt in pairs. God, this cartoon's stupid. <br />
<br />
Educational gaffes aside, this cartoon is really pulling out all of the stops to make sure this climax is as action-packed as it can possibly be! Dingos, crocodiles, random emus, phoned-in animation...it almost makes you forget about the fact that this episode doesn't at all have a clear antagonist, it doesn't at all address any of the possible global issues mankind has in terms of disturbing the Australian animals' natural habitat, and it doesn't even a clear story beyond "protect baby kangaroo". <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIhsLWm9rwa6m57ecpuW-WjY_WcNQlcw9iHnR-3izCZCWaRc-sWIqkeaK22AYikueeQbSKvuDgj192mcBdtC4bKo8mza2zdmF0EoDLrCIMvXIKM8VTi11cNe7zQf8aOoYODCNoRuSvVmM/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIhsLWm9rwa6m57ecpuW-WjY_WcNQlcw9iHnR-3izCZCWaRc-sWIqkeaK22AYikueeQbSKvuDgj192mcBdtC4bKo8mza2zdmF0EoDLrCIMvXIKM8VTi11cNe7zQf8aOoYODCNoRuSvVmM/s320/widgettheworldwatcher8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Brutus and Nero, what are you doing? You're supposed to be helping Madame Medusa recover the Devil's Eye!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since there's too many carnivores to focus on one time, the Aborigines take care of the dingo problem by using their emus to chase away the dingos. I'm not going to comment too much on this scene, because I know if I talk about this cartoon's portrayal of native Australians for too long, I'm going to end up trying to fill the empty void that has now manifested in my heart with whiskey. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiPZfVYPpot-Sb1ft67mZOE4RxSK-0-cVoTEs8nw7fW6CeqTZTBW3QaVvXojJeEOx6b7193kDkT3ymkp0QDf-0j2BSgKE34DxziVo9YyKmheQk8z-Zz4ivU5BXUw0wJjAqHV8b0d_Xzvk/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiPZfVYPpot-Sb1ft67mZOE4RxSK-0-cVoTEs8nw7fW6CeqTZTBW3QaVvXojJeEOx6b7193kDkT3ymkp0QDf-0j2BSgKE34DxziVo9YyKmheQk8z-Zz4ivU5BXUw0wJjAqHV8b0d_Xzvk/s320/widgettheworldwatcher9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I guess it's an Aborigine tradition to ram an emu's beak into a dingo's ass.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, since Widget is just plain not doing a good job (again, Widget <i>can shapeshift into a dragon</i>; he could take care of both the dingoes and the crocodiles without too much of a problem), Kevin of all people has to ride his emu to where both Brian and Jojo are and help save his annoying little brother and the annoying kangaroo from the crocodiles. <br />
<br />
Hmmm, I wonder if there was a scene from earlier that was hinting towards Kevin learning a skill that wasn't particularly interesting but could be used to pull a hastily-written resolution to this problem?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGw8ITtbd0qxjrwRVFSpNgJ5YeAN1t6Qw2t5bMNjrmmmtwTZGAliBZN1frI1mcWosiqJ6AgVYPN64YFyhi0r5WD7Pi_B8jQ_F61uin6mNgAojqCB7V1K47YpWVF_7E5EfW42aezroahds/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGw8ITtbd0qxjrwRVFSpNgJ5YeAN1t6Qw2t5bMNjrmmmtwTZGAliBZN1frI1mcWosiqJ6AgVYPN64YFyhi0r5WD7Pi_B8jQ_F61uin6mNgAojqCB7V1K47YpWVF_7E5EfW42aezroahds/s320/widgettheworldwatcher10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Do you come from a land down under?<br />
Where women glow and men plunder?<br />
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?<br />
You better run, you better take cover</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As a matter of fact, there is. He has to use the boomerang, the one that was placed in his backpack, to save the day somehow. Remember that? <br />
<br />
...yeah, if you're like me and just totally didn't give a crap about this character (and I really doubt he's going to leave an impact with anybody in this episode, considering 80% of his dialogue are racist questions aimed at the Aborigines) and his utter lack of anything resembling a personality, this plot development is going to come <b>completely</b> out of nowhere and you're not going to be impressed by it at all.<br />
<br />
And saving a kangaroo by throwing a boomerang at crocodiles after riding an emu and narrowly avoiding dingos sounds like something even Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee would find too stereotypical. I bet that boomerang can also summon Vegemite sandwiches and some Men at Work mixtapes. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihpjlzTU3WXfnk594-7fb8Jnpmbc8L7ApUSh374Eo1OJg8U5pS3BiXtBpn0HDRyQQWRoplqt5CKOd5xcwENJj9Pw4B1GkX14D4oXN8NlVEEdPHArhFKoQiXJ69BmhvZJicJQ-zMAzRTI4/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihpjlzTU3WXfnk594-7fb8Jnpmbc8L7ApUSh374Eo1OJg8U5pS3BiXtBpn0HDRyQQWRoplqt5CKOd5xcwENJj9Pw4B1GkX14D4oXN8NlVEEdPHArhFKoQiXJ69BmhvZJicJQ-zMAzRTI4/s320/widgettheworldwatcher11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"My trusty croissant will save the day!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I do like how, while he's doubting himself as to whether he can successfully throw a hunk of wood at some hungry crocodiles, he has to imagine himself as Kevin of the Cosmos. Apparently, like Doug, Kevin likes to imagine himself as a superhero in order to get inspiration on how to perform a certain task, and he figures that Kevin of the Cosmos would be all badass about his cultural appropriation. That's all good, except when Doug did this, <b><i>his brother wasn't about ready to get eaten by hungry crocodiles</i></b>! What the hell, Kevin? <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhneQgkWeN9U3dkXdLV8VROkS1Pk36GSx9XsYuMiS16m_6C3cFY0m9XOu55aU9zQCzSkNareFRGLij3xD5rmW1Lh_Jz8KjM0G37du3wSgvgAzN_5zKezOl1Yu0LAB6ymgJ_I0RP9G2r120/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhneQgkWeN9U3dkXdLV8VROkS1Pk36GSx9XsYuMiS16m_6C3cFY0m9XOu55aU9zQCzSkNareFRGLij3xD5rmW1Lh_Jz8KjM0G37du3wSgvgAzN_5zKezOl1Yu0LAB6ymgJ_I0RP9G2r120/s320/widgettheworldwatcher12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Pfft. Ray guns and lasers are so mainstream!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So the boomerang, when thrown by the determined Kevin of the Cosmos, actually knocks over a boulder, which knocks into a tree that traps the crocodiles, saving the day.<br />
<br />
...no, I didn't just randomly ram my face into my keyboard until something profoundly stupid and yet resembling the English language appeared on the screen. <b>This seriously happened.</b> Through a strange string of coincidences, a boomerang thrown by someone who's only used once knocked over a goddamn boulder which topples a goddamn tree. I know boomerangs are hunting weapons but I doubt they can move boulders. I'm sorry.<br />
<br />
Ah well, at least the crocodiles were helpful enough to stand completely side by side or else the whole tree thing never would've worked. I also wonder what would've happened if the tree fell slightly more to the left and crushed those crocodiles to death. That sure would've looked good on Widget's resume.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhQGMbjAZqdEkNlo68oAlFpxD-uMP_B4Tpn4_1daABDx3zdGIAuT3lDiwnbdmNtRFJkHXmhAAg1D1SZjlWvh5fh1bGauTcm07W8w5dOewNMDakte4Oyaxx6usz9VJvzFTSpFFT9EFzQNk/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhQGMbjAZqdEkNlo68oAlFpxD-uMP_B4Tpn4_1daABDx3zdGIAuT3lDiwnbdmNtRFJkHXmhAAg1D1SZjlWvh5fh1bGauTcm07W8w5dOewNMDakte4Oyaxx6usz9VJvzFTSpFFT9EFzQNk/s320/widgettheworldwatcher13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, no! A tree! It's our one weakness!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Love the high-five the two brothers share when they meet up, by the way. I'm sure if I managed to fend off two crocodiles using only a boomerang, I too would act like it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. <br />
<br />
And is it me, or is it a little odd that this cartoon, which, again, is meant to talk about the environment, solved a problem by toppling a tree over? Imagine if one of the Planeteers did that in front of Captain Planet. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLvc-Fynh4-xXUa5xBHHBbisbt7eDo0jQ3Q52U5rFoSodWRI_ArBgWyQF7dsxphebpm-OzgKhMVlruyoBUIO2YjLvgdnCHI0hf07Cyccc_1EL8T-t__yv9O0qpqj1-akPLhzQNqmMvNh0/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLvc-Fynh4-xXUa5xBHHBbisbt7eDo0jQ3Q52U5rFoSodWRI_ArBgWyQF7dsxphebpm-OzgKhMVlruyoBUIO2YjLvgdnCHI0hf07Cyccc_1EL8T-t__yv9O0qpqj1-akPLhzQNqmMvNh0/s320/widgettheworldwatcher14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We injured some crocodiles with a tree! We're the best environmentalists ever!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Back at kangaroo paradise, the mother kangaroo hopes that the small purple creature found her Jojo while her husband consoles her. Even though, when it comes to kangaroos, males are only interested in the females when they're in heat, and they then fight with the other males in order to determine who gets mating privileges. <br />
<br />
But ignoring the courtship rituals of kangaroos for a bit, what makes this scene really strange is that the male kangaroo says that Widget has that smart Mega Brain fellow helping him with the search, <i>when not once did Mega Brain interact with any of the kangaroos</i>. I guess a scene got cut during production and they just assumed that we had fallen asleep from boredom long before we'd notice little errors like this. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuriXKK6LhippZkMuEmgVvOqsAQNOWSuVOp8Xu5-Jq5p7D_NtcxkqmkS2CLtoURuiP7wYNTZEM8d3f8qhR6EIvOS5X-LMqYJqJbCsFwhIfPBLgTZA1JTozx_F0A1WFHkEnQF9S_ApWzio/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuriXKK6LhippZkMuEmgVvOqsAQNOWSuVOp8Xu5-Jq5p7D_NtcxkqmkS2CLtoURuiP7wYNTZEM8d3f8qhR6EIvOS5X-LMqYJqJbCsFwhIfPBLgTZA1JTozx_F0A1WFHkEnQF9S_ApWzio/s320/widgettheworldwatcher15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I don't know about you, but I actually liked Kangaroo Jack."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Jojo of course comes back, and we get our standard "family is reunited" scene where the child is grateful to be home, the mother is tearfully shouting her child's name in happiness, and the air is filled with the sickly sweet scent of adorableness.<br />
<br />
...well, this would be more adorable if it wasn't so obvious that Jojo was being voiced by an adult trying to sound like a child, anyway.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrwIx7UQsUUwBdSgVWJaDBMQS-4hmskw9OLHGN10OJpJhQ0U1fpo6Von7B1C163Yg_Mk89sFqR4QaUJEoQYkT4O1ptZrKO0NYjZQLiLZ_aIqWIQsdKLBpDhuDx9Vlbqt8ExYv95mf7u-Y/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrwIx7UQsUUwBdSgVWJaDBMQS-4hmskw9OLHGN10OJpJhQ0U1fpo6Von7B1C163Yg_Mk89sFqR4QaUJEoQYkT4O1ptZrKO0NYjZQLiLZ_aIqWIQsdKLBpDhuDx9Vlbqt8ExYv95mf7u-Y/s320/widgettheworldwatcher16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"U mad, bro?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So we got our happy ending, but with over three minutes still on the clock, we'd better shoehorn another plot point in at the last minute so that this episode fills in the appropriate run time. Right after the kangaroos are reunited (and I start to wonder how many times I typed the words "kangaroo" in this blog post), Widget decides that he's also going to help with the drought, even though it's going to be "tougher than milking solar slime snakes" in his words. <br />
<br />
...Widget, can you kindly tell me what a solar slime snake is and why the hell you have to milk it? That sounds way more entertaining than what I'm watching here.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3aumn_sdqyuW28GWU6FLzEcXpe1T51GHmJbGBy5PB1WjR1ZKWoKALFYamA1Ry2hF5aPDilknelhr4eCCRMf8WFWWbXMlUOmFXiam5Pxp91-33Jg_S7telco67xPjzZgfmqavIhanyUHY/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3aumn_sdqyuW28GWU6FLzEcXpe1T51GHmJbGBy5PB1WjR1ZKWoKALFYamA1Ry2hF5aPDilknelhr4eCCRMf8WFWWbXMlUOmFXiam5Pxp91-33Jg_S7telco67xPjzZgfmqavIhanyUHY/s320/widgettheworldwatcher.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meanwhile, the Aborigines turned Caucasian thanks to a rogue coloring error.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And so, like Captain Planet (and I hate how much this cartoon is making me want to watch that show instead of this), Widget is going to use his otherworldy powers in order to solve the environmental problem even though this cartoon is supposed to be teaching us how to do it ourselves. What if there's a horrible drought that can possibly cause entire populations of vulnerable species to die of thirst but we <i>don't</i> have a shapeshifting alien and a flying spaceship at our disposal? Shouldn't we be learning about water conservation?<br />
<br />
...no? Guess not then. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiarTtaq-FuwyIt_myKzdp1HQl-D8cdGsKGZck4dSwBoeq2lpONBX78NaMGXLhDvqRMmWrtO2CSb5HTuAo8Qr20I4k7RRVAS_5wgSCUqAsoFBpjI_2KXupA1cbTceUhro5S8TfzxRf7cE/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiarTtaq-FuwyIt_myKzdp1HQl-D8cdGsKGZck4dSwBoeq2lpONBX78NaMGXLhDvqRMmWrtO2CSb5HTuAo8Qr20I4k7RRVAS_5wgSCUqAsoFBpjI_2KXupA1cbTceUhro5S8TfzxRf7cE/s320/widgettheworldwatcher1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I believe they call this a "Deus Ex Machina".</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
They also had to squeeze in one last scene with Mega Brain, just so we remember that this character still exists. And all this scene does is prove how little Widget cares for his friend by rolling his eyes (in a strange, alien manner that no human could ever physically imitate) and mocking his existence. Poor, scary Mega Brain. He contributed even less to this episode than the two kids even though he's the only member in the cast that at least has something resembling character traits and flaws.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQV90nkJHJ93nSAZs2qN4dpwp1rsPts3a7Hpnjnv8kjRgFXUoPDYfBr9YmVZUEJNrobGoQetdjZpfTMG7gkSAOeZvSyB0pxNLgrOQ43sEAll_QqZmYRMBEfPOJbt0_K4aKRj001526IgA/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQV90nkJHJ93nSAZs2qN4dpwp1rsPts3a7Hpnjnv8kjRgFXUoPDYfBr9YmVZUEJNrobGoQetdjZpfTMG7gkSAOeZvSyB0pxNLgrOQ43sEAll_QqZmYRMBEfPOJbt0_K4aKRj001526IgA/s320/widgettheworldwatcher2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Greetings, Earthlings. I come in DERP."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And then Widget honest to god uses his ship's thrusters to push rainclouds that were gathering over the ocean over to Australia. <br />
<br />
Yes. Ship's thrusters. Pushing rainclouds. Somehow solving a drought. Thrusters.<br />
<br />
Oh, I see now. I see what you're trying to do, cartoon. You're trying to frustrate me so much with sheer inanity that I'll just give up and turn this episode off. Well, sorry. I'm going to sit through this entire episode to the end if that's the last thing I do!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8VcbH2fwEFdxApjCxaqXhaKDqgKc_52xUEnHm-GiVEIxBV7csB8eLmGRL7peTUQm3Yjevao5V0OvUzYec3nRcUCSWGZgz_qXQ1t02MYZ2Zj8i86gRi9zEqEaH2ceVEgFACQSRXjI-CaY/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8VcbH2fwEFdxApjCxaqXhaKDqgKc_52xUEnHm-GiVEIxBV7csB8eLmGRL7peTUQm3Yjevao5V0OvUzYec3nRcUCSWGZgz_qXQ1t02MYZ2Zj8i86gRi9zEqEaH2ceVEgFACQSRXjI-CaY/s320/widgettheworldwatcher3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fire solves everything!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While rain falls down from the skies and the grandfather Aborigine goes on about how the legends came true (even though I'm positive the reason those rainclouds were gathering over the sea is because a wind current was going to push them over the land anyways), the younger Aborigine then pulls a science book out of his strange pineapple-shaped satchel and says that one day, he's going to combine the beauty of legends with the reality of science with the rest of his generation. <br />
<br />
...even though <i>he gave absolutely no indication that he felt this way in the entire episode</i>! What, so Jim (shoot, I actually remembered his name) actually wants to be a scientist when he grows up? Well, you should've had a scene to actually develop that character instead of choosing to fill the episode with kangaroos shooting the breeze with random Australian wildlife, cartoon. You're telling us that we should all work together to keep the world full of natural wonders, Aborigine? Yeah, that makes sense. That's why you needed space aliens to help solve your droughts, right? <br />
<br />
I'm sorry. I should keep my pent-up rage at a minimum. I gave up expecting something intelligent from this cartoon a long time ago.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDS4W1nS_SRB6WY_NTlImaDEVSmxDjO8t9LUG-fSCuD9V_Dwb5XR3qoqAyycgMqjtPNf3JU6xQ49tS2zA_VEEuHmIjMC1CL5Rvp7VFaYO-NtGXBxJctlkfFH8YeBy2-7mHH2DogOymRk4/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDS4W1nS_SRB6WY_NTlImaDEVSmxDjO8t9LUG-fSCuD9V_Dwb5XR3qoqAyycgMqjtPNf3JU6xQ49tS2zA_VEEuHmIjMC1CL5Rvp7VFaYO-NtGXBxJctlkfFH8YeBy2-7mHH2DogOymRk4/s320/widgettheworldwatcher4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm going to become a scientist because I was inspired by a shapeshifting purple fairy."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And, in case you were wondering if the two children are going to be missed by their parents, thanks to the magic of time zones, they're not even going to know that they're gone. Hooray! Lying to your loved ones is fun! <br />
<br />
And where the hell did they get the food?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGRWxHF37FSZTWlaEi2P2PSmd1KESupM214vSyNKwm5h-PiTTtqdwlcl7V5O61s9pgRnroq4WFzEcsiyFk3UZ48ygP2KCMLnyiOYKlf1gSbc_EwQT-R9ftF589tAbnnvxRpS7kk8gtdAk/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGRWxHF37FSZTWlaEi2P2PSmd1KESupM214vSyNKwm5h-PiTTtqdwlcl7V5O61s9pgRnroq4WFzEcsiyFk3UZ48ygP2KCMLnyiOYKlf1gSbc_EwQT-R9ftF589tAbnnvxRpS7kk8gtdAk/s320/widgettheworldwatcher5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Will your parents mind if I implanted some electrodes into your amygdala in order to better study your vital signs?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So that was Widget the World Watcher. I have nothing more to say about this cartoon, other than wordless screams of agony and rage, but I do want to point out this terrifying image contained within the credits. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf1_etrDIMuLq1-F-FmTahgawDdyMBfcMgO3H7oUqcZH0h19I-mqnPbACnmBA9md7Mlw9CGj70wTh4L0k6_yTDWY4af2PUB30K0gFnOq2Q6frv1sVpMcBeF_OUSZuazhETLJg2XkUL_tc/s1600/widgettheworldwatcher6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf1_etrDIMuLq1-F-FmTahgawDdyMBfcMgO3H7oUqcZH0h19I-mqnPbACnmBA9md7Mlw9CGj70wTh4L0k6_yTDWY4af2PUB30K0gFnOq2Q6frv1sVpMcBeF_OUSZuazhETLJg2XkUL_tc/s320/widgettheworldwatcher6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Shgla'yos plahf mh'naus!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
... <br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
...that's okay, Widget. I didn't plan on sleeping tonight anyways.<br />
<br />
<hr />
<br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
The life of a single baby kangaroo is more important than anything else in the world.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
Well, this certainly made me appreciate Captain Planet a lot more. <br />
<br />
There's a lot to be said about this cartoon and this episode, and unfortunately, a lot of it is bad. The characters are bland as all hell, the animation never strives to be anything better than "passable", the research is downright terrible (<i>kangaroos are not endangered!</i>), it gets pretty offensive at times, and it's just not all that good. With Captain Planet, you get the sense that the world is in danger thanks to mankind and that we must do something soon or else we could lose finite resources, but with here, you don't get that. They really lose focus and instead spend most of the screentime on the kangaroos. Kangaroos that can't decide whether they're anthropomorphic or merely wild animals that can talk.<br />
<br />
The only two things I liked, the music and potentially the concept of a shapeshifting superhero that travels around the world, are kind of buried underneath this thick pile of mediocrity. I mean, come on, they're in Australia, and all they did was point out some species (Sulfur-Crested Cockatoo, Dingo) while completely ignoring other species (poisonous snakes). Why not show us some of the precious landmarks Australia has to offer?<br />
<br />
But instead, I got really annoying protagonists (seriously, Brian, Kevin, Jim, and Grandpa Aborigine have no personalities here, let's be honest with ourselves) mixed in with a really annoying kangaroo and some really annoying Aborigines and about halfway through the episode, I ended up wishing that the dingoes would eat the kangaroo's baby and we could focus on how the cattle ranchers are stealing all the water meant for Australia's wildlife or something. I'd rather it be preachy than stupid, and unfortunately, what I got was stupid. <br />
<br />
But above all of that, it was boring. I can enjoy cartoons that aren't very well-made like Street Sharks and Loonatics Unleashed, but that's because they at least offer something. I like how dumb Street Sharks can be, and it's fun to laugh at Loonatics Unleashed. Here, there is no enjoyment. <b>None. </b>It's a wasteland completely devoid of entertainment and joy.<b><br />
</b><br />
<br />
In conclusion, there's a very good reason why this show is pretty much all but forgotten. It's not a hidden gem by any means. Instead, it's more like a hidden turd and I'm definitely not going to watch this episode again. This was aimed for a younger crowd, sure, but it never strives to be intelligent for said crowd.<br />
<br />
But hey, it at least answered a valuable question. Turns out there IS something worse than Captain Planet when it comes to environmentalist cartoons, and this is it. Thank you for giving me reasons to like freaking <i>Captain Planet</i>, Widget. And man, do I hate you for it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-9023690301631402822012-01-25T00:01:00.002-08:002012-05-09T22:54:07.892-07:00Street Sharks - Sharkbite<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/08/street-sharks-sharkbait.html">Part 1 - Sharkbait</a></span><br />
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Since my last post of this show kind of sort of ended on a cliffhanger, I have to continue talking about this show or else the ghosts of cartoon sharks will haunt me in my sleep and suck on my bone marrow. God help me.<br />
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Oh, and very, very recently, this show became available for instant streaming from Netflix. Jawsome!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-31x1g5_1cPE/TkGyEzM1mgI/AAAAAAAAAo8/nqoUuxjejKA/s1600/sharks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="256" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-31x1g5_1cPE/TkGyEzM1mgI/AAAAAAAAAo8/nqoUuxjejKA/s400/sharks.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although there's a very bitter voice inside of me going "Street Sharks is on Netflix but <i>not </i><br />
The Mask: The Animated Series? <b>I hate <i>everything</i>.</b>" when I hear of this news.</td></tr>
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This probably won't bode well if I say right off the bat that, out of all the posts I did in 2010, this show was one of the hardest to sit through. (the other being Captain Planet, but that goes without saying) At the risk of being totally insulting to a show that was a big portion of my childhood, I can safely say that Street Sharks was nowhere near as awesome as I thought I was when I was a kid and there's a pretty good reason why DiC is pretending they didn't make this when they freaking acknowledge <i>Captain N</i>. Some perspective here. Captain N is on DVD. This show isn't. Kind of makes you wonder.<br />
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But does that mean it's still not fun to watch? Hell no! I personally enjoy every stupid minute of this stupid lazy ripoff of a stupid show. After all, we live in a world where guilty pleasures exist and it's pretty cathartic to rip into things that bugged me even as a child. So to take another spin on the extreme, merchandise-driven, turtle-copying vehicle that is Street Sharks for a second time is just too much to pass up. I mean, for crying out loud, I'm talking about a show where one of the main characters mutates into a shark because the main villain tampered with a bag of popcorn. You can't hate this show because it's simply too dumb to hate. <br />
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But since this show does go in chronological order, follows a very coherent storyline from start to finish, and, again, I left the last post on a cliffhanger, if I want to talk about the time someone turns into a shark after eating popcorn (disclaimer:<i> this totally happened in this show.</i>), I'm gonna have to talk about this episode first.<br />
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So suspend all forms of disbelief when we dive into...<br />
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<b>Sharkbite</b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOPhNe3SGhcw_YxIKXTnmvxPugzQkfNTcSStAJo2xHk869DgYBpI-E6feaQUkt920C593g2x5eEOF1Cjv9f6hyFoAt8sp3SX1qESNFvyo3407M3O8UciGb4koaUW9qLgvmWeE5sL7Im0A/s1600/streetsharks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOPhNe3SGhcw_YxIKXTnmvxPugzQkfNTcSStAJo2xHk869DgYBpI-E6feaQUkt920C593g2x5eEOF1Cjv9f6hyFoAt8sp3SX1qESNFvyo3407M3O8UciGb4koaUW9qLgvmWeE5sL7Im0A/s400/streetsharks.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, thanks for naming the episode something similar to the previous episode, <br />
making it hard to keep track of which episode is which.</td></tr>
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<b>Airdate:</b> September 1994 </div>
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<b>Availability: </b><span style="color: red;">Online Only</span></div>
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Before they actually show the hideous waste of animation paint to us, they show a "Previously, on Street Sharks" clip show, which is extremely helpful, because not only is this part of a three-parter series premiere, but my memory needed refreshing and I can't be assed to watch the previous episode again. <br />
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Here's the scenes they show:<br />
*The ill-prepared good scientist that happens to be the father of the four main characters (Dr. Bolton) yelling "You can't mess with nature!" and then getting injected. Overdramatic screaming is involved. <br />
*Dr. Bolton's idiot of a friend that he only hired so that he can look progressive with his female black assistant (Lena) pointing out that Dr. Bolton never showed up for his morning lecture and then telling the obviously evil Dr. Paradigm (who, if you recall, is bald, wears an eyepatch, and constantly wears a frowning, squinty-eyed expression that's really not helping his case) that she's going to call his sons.<br />
*The bone-headed radical EXTREME sons getting injected and then screaming overdramatically while Dr. Paradigm looks like he's about ready to take a bite out of an invisible sandwich.<br />
*The hamtastic transformation sequence in the park, complete with overdramatic screaming.<br />
*Bends (aka my favorite character of this whole damn show) coining the name "Street Sharks" because he smoked some really bad hash during the chase sequence and the mutant sharks just liking it.<br />
*The military capturing the sharks and Bends.<br />
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And now, with the magic of screenshots, you're going to experience the recap with me!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aasNuN1oDK4/TkH7v6BUNCI/AAAAAAAAAr8/AYXdzE-Bg5U/s1600/shark75.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aasNuN1oDK4/TkH7v6BUNCI/AAAAAAAAAr8/AYXdzE-Bg5U/s320/shark75.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Is it wrong of me to say that I wish this show was on DVD?</td></tr>
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Well, that certainly made all the cheese and all of the goofiness flood right back to me. I especially love the part where like none of the acting in that recap was at all believable and most of the dialogue in those clips involved screaming. Why the hell did I watch this as a kid again? <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJbTKFC1oo7lPDUX8eaAowkyuo2M9yjwe_GRELr74tsXFI-oue1QzOLv7c57LtK3zy1r6q1_mISNg_g4P1qrzLQeewSIa0XdITLgwIhNv97XpS1dTZhjZHNuZdn9gw1BSVrukRSVp5KUc/s1600/sharkbite.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJbTKFC1oo7lPDUX8eaAowkyuo2M9yjwe_GRELr74tsXFI-oue1QzOLv7c57LtK3zy1r6q1_mISNg_g4P1qrzLQeewSIa0XdITLgwIhNv97XpS1dTZhjZHNuZdn9gw1BSVrukRSVp5KUc/s320/sharkbite.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like how the hideous mutant sharks are somehow able to keep their really nice shoes completely intact.</td></tr>
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Moving on, we find ourselves at a government building (or a building near the college; I don't care enough to double-check), and the very first thing we start this episode on is Dr. Paradigm, still as subtle as ever with his metal eyepatch, his bald head, and his red and black clothing, saying that he's happy to serve his government and advance science. Somehow, between the two episodes, the government actually hired Dr. Paradigm to research the sharks and <i>do exploratory surgery on them</i>, even though the average person can look at this guy and realize that he's one Persian cat and one death ray away from world domination. <br />
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And trust me when I say this, but this is a reoccurring problem in this show, the fact that Dr. Paradigm has the city's support and can just do whatever the hell he pleases. And this only gets sillier as time goes on and he becomes increasingly essentric. How did this man earn the good reputation he holds in this show? For all the evil ranting and gene-slamming that he does, he never gives us a good reason <i>why </i>the city loves him so much. Did he invent a cure for cancer before he became puppy-eatingly terrible? <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFePW2yyxYSIL7q5SB2czl_YxYn74RYHoJ-GRpX7Bej1YhPotBqapx2WSwZzrTYSdS_iyH15M-0VS5UgJWD6T-bleOCJ2eabnGmn9qks-YkzN0mpSiIA6j0Lk9UObbvgyCJQltcE3q_jc/s1600/sharkbite1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFePW2yyxYSIL7q5SB2czl_YxYn74RYHoJ-GRpX7Bej1YhPotBqapx2WSwZzrTYSdS_iyH15M-0VS5UgJWD6T-bleOCJ2eabnGmn9qks-YkzN0mpSiIA6j0Lk9UObbvgyCJQltcE3q_jc/s320/sharkbite1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"To be honest, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing."</td></tr>
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The sharks are all understandably angered by this turn of events, probably because they're the heroes of this show and this episode opened with all of them strapped to operating tables and about ready to get dissected. One of them even screams that he's no guinea pig, because the sharks like to talk in cliches when they're upset. <br />
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And, just when you thought this scene was going to end on a decently suspenseful note, the mood is quickly ruined when Bobby, ever the party animal, wonders how undergoing vivisection and having his misshapen organs examined like a classroom frog is going to affect his social life. No offense, dude, but I think the fact that <i>you're a giant bright blue shark</i> is going to affect your social life more than a little surgery. <br />
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But yes, this is seriously what we're going to open the episode on. Exploratory surgery. Writers, are you sure this is the same show where a teenager rollerblades off of a building and pulls out a parachute in order to race someone on a motorcycle? Because that's kind of dark.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxCoXR8HONh0ckqTyuW_mfuRv-5dhGn7KOoagp1y-Ht9pAM_Jo7Xu64W9HfU6WzFW9yqUS5Luc79orGzQKo3XfjPGUHuYDP8UzfidXFLFzqwmYy2adophXcv5VWSsLcwEWqr0UQGeVAP0/s1600/sharkbite2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxCoXR8HONh0ckqTyuW_mfuRv-5dhGn7KOoagp1y-Ht9pAM_Jo7Xu64W9HfU6WzFW9yqUS5Luc79orGzQKo3XfjPGUHuYDP8UzfidXFLFzqwmYy2adophXcv5VWSsLcwEWqr0UQGeVAP0/s320/sharkbite2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, he's going to be really popular with the ladies... </td></tr>
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Oh, and in case the sharks don't hate this man enough already, while the silly Darth Vader masks pump gas into their nostrils and force them into unconsciousness, Dr. Paradigm just can't resist telling the government workers that Dr. Bolton is the one behind these hideous mutations and then later does the whole "sound like he's about ready to cry when he's obviously faking it" thing while going on about how what kind of horrible monster would do such a thing to these poor, tortured children. It sure is a good thing all of these security guards surrounding the building are completely unfamiliar with all forms of media, or else they would've seen right through Dr. Paradigm's hammy speech and got the hint that he's the one behind this because he basically confessed in the form of bad melodrama. I mean, <b>come on</b>. He even has a weird, vaguely European accent! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP-YBI_Im0fQc-EWWhBxPQh3NNMomld25wP092ZP0Qp81kXjFem53MxKiVxukYBduzPyX4R1xki5_n5oEr1t-ppc7xw7i2CkPCNmdNAhdA_HZQFCtOlC8vY8cR5H71VdZmXQ_3Qz2ZwzA/s1600/sharkbite3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP-YBI_Im0fQc-EWWhBxPQh3NNMomld25wP092ZP0Qp81kXjFem53MxKiVxukYBduzPyX4R1xki5_n5oEr1t-ppc7xw7i2CkPCNmdNAhdA_HZQFCtOlC8vY8cR5H71VdZmXQ_3Qz2ZwzA/s320/sharkbite3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"If making a killer mutant shark with giant boobs is wrong, I don't want to be right."</td></tr>
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But instead taking this scene to its logical conclusion (which is Dr. Paradigm continuing to spout cliched villain lines until the sharks grow bored of his trash talk, break free from their straps, and voraciously devour his intestines) we find ourselves in an operating room, where Deathbald the Destroyer is...measuring one of the sharks' chests and is going on about how absolutely amazed he is at how buff the creature is. He even yells out the measurement he got from his rippling pecs. <br />
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...Okay. Creepy. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYwWn_zwyHC-K2yqFMPFU8LCSmUlZiB6rfQUtXQW8l0FQIWx2fVRoOKOHuXbmDjWnUgmPgLtFioVxr9sVu1w6LLnCyrMVa0B3kCmD-_G5qshW7aV5qBNQEeeVCeApSGBWv01i5shNw8Hw/s1600/sharkbite4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYwWn_zwyHC-K2yqFMPFU8LCSmUlZiB6rfQUtXQW8l0FQIWx2fVRoOKOHuXbmDjWnUgmPgLtFioVxr9sVu1w6LLnCyrMVa0B3kCmD-_G5qshW7aV5qBNQEeeVCeApSGBWv01i5shNw8Hw/s320/sharkbite4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hmm...you look to be about a 38D."</td></tr>
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Luckily for the sharks, Lena (aka the only female castmember in this sausage fest of a show) manages to show up before Dr. Paradigm can ask the shark to turn his head and cough, and apparently Dr. Paradigm, in his massive stupidity, thinks that it's totally okay for her to work on the surgery too even though he's given her plenty of reasons to be totally suspicious of his actions. It's hard to feel sorry for a bad guy if he just keeps opening himself up to sabotage, especially if he can't hear Lena mutter about how she's going to shut his operation down. Fission City probably put an embargo on common sense prior to these episodes. <br />
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Now, remember when Lena in the previous episode did absolutely nothing other than send the four Bolton kids to their shark-related fate, thus indirectly being responsible for the reason why all four of them will be forever looked upon by normal people as freaks and monsters? Fortunately, she manages to somewhat redeem herself in this episode. I say "somewhat" because the whole sending the Boltons to their doom thing is still kind of a big deal.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAGYD62L-eFj8xZ9N0w6cTsKk78YJnm9ADscZ_ROQ0u-U9eWM7xsRrjRJgzjri5FC7Kdd4-BF5Kh6UxRj2StbOTqykvC82IZk4B3yPNNlqvjQOImTsCuyMN325vP5L2gnAOSjmtbJfNlM/s1600/sharkbite5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAGYD62L-eFj8xZ9N0w6cTsKk78YJnm9ADscZ_ROQ0u-U9eWM7xsRrjRJgzjri5FC7Kdd4-BF5Kh6UxRj2StbOTqykvC82IZk4B3yPNNlqvjQOImTsCuyMN325vP5L2gnAOSjmtbJfNlM/s320/sharkbite5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sadly, my eyes keep going to that strange, bearded man silently lurking in the corner, watching her every move.</td></tr>
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Lena makes her way to the operating room, and since Dr. Paradigm is a massive dumbass, she uses the "Let me just get my clothes, which are in another room, and I'm totally not going to foil your plans offscreen!" excuse and starts to snoop around. Gotta fight cliches with cliches, I guess. This doesn't phase our loveable metal eyepatch-toting scoundrel at all, because when Lena leaves, he decides to start playing with his surgery equipment while being amused by his own evilness. See, a lesser, more subtle scientist would've done the research and used actual surgical tools that exist in real life to perform his exploitative surgery. Not Dr. Paradigm. In his operating room, he has a unwieldly laser pen attached to a robot arm. It's not practical, but it sure is futuristic! <br />
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And, in keeping with the shark theme this cartoon shamelessly sticks to, he tests his laser out by carving a shark out of a plate of solid steel. I'm guessing before Malicious McBaldyFierce became a terrible cartoon villain, he was a failed artist that specialized in Metalsmithing. It would explain the eyepatch at least.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN74U4ERKOBkHN0PTXRD1nzb6MAeLScoAD8UtQli1rq3tSIUAwieOQ1e7CmST4dp1Wjc6n8AtyxEwpQeRcFFC3EhQQYLWVNFWO1Yzp-afSKZkB7KMeNRgPnTCVeqA4S-KjFODdpniDLaI/s1600/sharkbite6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN74U4ERKOBkHN0PTXRD1nzb6MAeLScoAD8UtQli1rq3tSIUAwieOQ1e7CmST4dp1Wjc6n8AtyxEwpQeRcFFC3EhQQYLWVNFWO1Yzp-afSKZkB7KMeNRgPnTCVeqA4S-KjFODdpniDLaI/s320/sharkbite6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Look, I made a fishy!"</td></tr>
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We then get to see how much of a big help Lena is (and how little security this place has even when there's a top secret government experiment currently in progress) when she starts sneaking around authorized personnel areas while dressed in fashionable operating scrubs. It doesn't take long for her to spot where the sharks are being held, because it's the only door surrounded by completely ineffective security guards. Surely she's going to use some advanced form of ninjutsu she picked up during her days of studying in the mountains of Japan in order to get rid of them, right?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikwKhJzyhc8rN0rpYJiDP8AZUurXwgReBBOhJIvOe0Xy7VOS4-DlvKM1ITWtPevcNuqAR9uueHytav7hU-S7AWq7eQ0BQ3jq0oCl0L9NeT0a96arMJgvDqklOIVhLQyhYljUnEhuHT1Kg/s1600/sharkbite7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikwKhJzyhc8rN0rpYJiDP8AZUurXwgReBBOhJIvOe0Xy7VOS4-DlvKM1ITWtPevcNuqAR9uueHytav7hU-S7AWq7eQ0BQ3jq0oCl0L9NeT0a96arMJgvDqklOIVhLQyhYljUnEhuHT1Kg/s320/sharkbite7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4llwaz2LuZcrms0QEYL_n8-VZMTjUDa3JQLWnGfuZuWtnd6kHls8MQWVU1JL-WjtnDUGuujxz-sOaDK3wfouLaGat24wO24wy5TyWMcSSIMzDc-3oqt_8C-3Ym7Ry5thYnAqYquxYiXY/s1600/sharkbite8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4llwaz2LuZcrms0QEYL_n8-VZMTjUDa3JQLWnGfuZuWtnd6kHls8MQWVU1JL-WjtnDUGuujxz-sOaDK3wfouLaGat24wO24wy5TyWMcSSIMzDc-3oqt_8C-3Ym7Ry5thYnAqYquxYiXY/s320/sharkbite8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh yeah. I'm sure two guards armed with police clubs can properly hold back three shark monsters <br />
capable of burrowing through ground and ripping through solid steel with their teeth.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Hell no. She's not going to do anything smart or creative. Instead, she's pulling the fire alarm and telling the only two people guarding the other three sharks that the other shark escaped and that they need their help. You know, even though they're the only two people making sure that one escaped sharkmonster doesn't turn into<i> four</i> escaped sharkmonsters and it's been previously established that Dr. Paradigm is surrounded by security. <br />
<br />
As you can see, this show makes a very compelling argument about how pollution affects the brain cells because goddamn, the civilians in Fission City are stupid.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu4cqkNqL44xjUDPE16S-8CPJL1QDb7guSM5aLRCaQxrv50emP9DrWKbtw2u_d1LGIPhWpwvca9SiIOkQ3EUayspSPW8KxjRk2HKQ_R7X-pJ_xIu1E1yxyDoxzjSMWqA6Df175ZWvkYc4/s1600/sharkbite9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu4cqkNqL44xjUDPE16S-8CPJL1QDb7guSM5aLRCaQxrv50emP9DrWKbtw2u_d1LGIPhWpwvca9SiIOkQ3EUayspSPW8KxjRk2HKQ_R7X-pJ_xIu1E1yxyDoxzjSMWqA6Df175ZWvkYc4/s320/sharkbite9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNHROV6JX_3gtr1bJ6KMk2_gjqdLCYZHsqgYYYOHpOWkEveW-_kCdZjh8MkA-mKKftTa08mOynwLobJAqbzsleJu1Gqho382Z_Qqoq0MiOAtKu5oMKZFDnpgslUJJgXjzFco_yM42KNCY/s1600/sharkbite10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNHROV6JX_3gtr1bJ6KMk2_gjqdLCYZHsqgYYYOHpOWkEveW-_kCdZjh8MkA-mKKftTa08mOynwLobJAqbzsleJu1Gqho382Z_Qqoq0MiOAtKu5oMKZFDnpgslUJJgXjzFco_yM42KNCY/s320/sharkbite10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Stupidity.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since the sharks were guarded by the single most incompetent guards on the entire planet, Lena the Hyena is able to sneak in and free them. In this scene, we see just how much thought and care Dr. Paradigm puts in keeping his experiments contained when it turns out literally the only thing placating the sharks is an easily removable gas mask <i>when they happen to have opposable thumbs</i>. Oh sure, they have handcuffs on, but they're not even connected to anything.<br />
<br />
...and how did Dr. Paradigm already have four masks able to fit over a giant shark's face available for use?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBWYtKdvi4NK7cIR-Hvpd5sPQFRduZ2ObCf9mRq87ThLTCfFHEcQZqbo9A6K3SQYr2jU23ejaLw_CWngfV8eR3l_J8o-fBPQcmVdv2uKz-AExCB3oP4QpD9pTIbTGt7duJLYjNPS1eU0Y/s1600/sharkbite11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBWYtKdvi4NK7cIR-Hvpd5sPQFRduZ2ObCf9mRq87ThLTCfFHEcQZqbo9A6K3SQYr2jU23ejaLw_CWngfV8eR3l_J8o-fBPQcmVdv2uKz-AExCB3oP4QpD9pTIbTGt7duJLYjNPS1eU0Y/s320/sharkbite11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I kind of want to know how well the hammerhead can see, considering the placement of his eyes. <br />
But that would involve actual character development.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After they're freed, she tells them that Dr. Paradigm is being a dick and is about to cut up their brother for the evuls. When they hear of this after waking up from their drug-induced stupor and discovering that they're chained up like animals, instead of feeling remorse for a world so callous that it's treating them like mere beasts when they were previously just normal people, or philosophically pondering the difference between having humanity and being human, they flex their muscles, scream "SHARK ATTACK!" in unison, and start randomly destroying doors. Yeah, property damage is totally extreme!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIX4xRSaCZoWhWFE0cosicV-smYbl2jxDjw9Mu6nkpIzSDrhivjKyN7R60-BTiwAsNMpNtxzet_uIyyr4pc4QMHZW3caPqpUm9ZRa3tlJRCFBuPC7vXxV1sjexCgojcKJ8gAzbV7FYsgs/s1600/sharkbite12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIX4xRSaCZoWhWFE0cosicV-smYbl2jxDjw9Mu6nkpIzSDrhivjKyN7R60-BTiwAsNMpNtxzet_uIyyr4pc4QMHZW3caPqpUm9ZRa3tlJRCFBuPC7vXxV1sjexCgojcKJ8gAzbV7FYsgs/s320/sharkbite12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Doors make me ANGRY!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now, before you think the sharks are complete incapable of expressing any emotion beyond heroic anger and heroic radicalness, it turns out Bobby's still as egotistical as ever because he temporarily stops rampaging like a mindless animal for a moment when he spots his reflection in a mirror. Instead of bursting into tears or even becoming at all upset over how he's now a genetically engineered monstrosity that wouldn't occur naturally in our world and how he no longer resembles the person he once was, he strokes his shark fin and says "Cool" without moving his lips. Complex emotions are for pussies!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0KBHFmquXsdcOKPZEsCs2BQpB6dVPi_oQOApaZR4e8CFT42nAdhk4hGlXreFf1PJha7kVj7zYOpQUmc9EfFGnx9wJXstP9VwsfpFC-DOUujKcsL6ZvcHm6yawgW1200PrCY6GKy-NHnM/s1600/sharkbite13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0KBHFmquXsdcOKPZEsCs2BQpB6dVPi_oQOApaZR4e8CFT42nAdhk4hGlXreFf1PJha7kVj7zYOpQUmc9EfFGnx9wJXstP9VwsfpFC-DOUujKcsL6ZvcHm6yawgW1200PrCY6GKy-NHnM/s320/sharkbite13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"OH DEAR GOD, I'M A HIDEOUS FREAK!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We cut back to Baldy McHatesSharks, still unaware that cartilaginous predators are bulldozing their way towards him and are baying for his blood, and it turns out he's finally ready to perform the surgery. So, what was he doing while Lena was gone then? Because I'm totally picturing him just standing around awkwardly in his delightful blue surgical attire for a couple minutes, the room completely silent save for one of the guards clearing his throat, before finally deciding that Lena probably got lost while she was getting her clothes and that he can send out a rescue party later. <br />
<br />
And, at the risk of giving this show an honest to god compliment for its writing (because let me tell you, this writing doesn't deserve any praise), Paradigm does get a cool line as he prepares to cut open the malformed beast laying on his operating table. As he preps his silly-looking laser pointer, he says "Let us find out where the human ends and the shark begins". They totally should've added some dramatic pauses and some scary organ music to that line. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh9bF4klRZWHcVJuA_4WolsiXkE_j7axRTEkwDfXM_dWQda2G1d5Sq5Bm-PNFb_8keusHAbayWSgfk1q2RrmHmWZAtGFQl3yOEyeCeHnb9063HS7uQEZv0Xfu0FB5sZD3CTJ8G4MKPKqY/s1600/sharkbite14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh9bF4klRZWHcVJuA_4WolsiXkE_j7axRTEkwDfXM_dWQda2G1d5Sq5Bm-PNFb_8keusHAbayWSgfk1q2RrmHmWZAtGFQl3yOEyeCeHnb9063HS7uQEZv0Xfu0FB5sZD3CTJ8G4MKPKqY/s320/sharkbite14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Damn. I put the filling in the wrong tooth."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unfortunately, what little dignity this show tried to bring is quickly ruined when three meaty sharkbeasts enter the room, pump their fists in the air, and yell "SHARK ATTACK!" in unison for a second time. And then I quickly died of secondhand embarrassment for the animators that created this scene. Is that <i>seriously</i> supposed to be the Street Shark catchphrase we're going for? It wasn't impressive the first time, and it especially doesn't work here when they're supposed to be saving their brother from an organ-spilling death.<br />
<br />
By the way, I love how completely nonthreatening the Street Sharks become when viewed from the front. Look at the one in the middle and tell me you don't find the fact that his face is now growing out of his chest extremely funny. I bet this is exactly what Winsor McCay envisioned animation would become when he released Gertie the Dinosaur in 1914 and the medium became first recognized as an art form.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJAm_Nf8LMjWFXjnnDvLSQ4jq5m-4rKkwFXOdYuVfLgrsxBm6XaBWykzJ_AoTlRLEUd64dVTFoXzPXR83lJEQntLtg0PKwTXkzs2VCG0SX00UnpPlUCDrkYCgbKGbiX7ZXCA5Opx_bD9A/s1600/sharkbite15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJAm_Nf8LMjWFXjnnDvLSQ4jq5m-4rKkwFXOdYuVfLgrsxBm6XaBWykzJ_AoTlRLEUd64dVTFoXzPXR83lJEQntLtg0PKwTXkzs2VCG0SX00UnpPlUCDrkYCgbKGbiX7ZXCA5Opx_bD9A/s320/sharkbite15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"HERP!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So they save the day, because no matter how you slice it, a bunch of half-naked muscley demon fish are going to win against a balding old man no matter what. Oddly, despite the trouble he's given them earlier, they show a surprising amount of restraint, because instead of ganging up on Paradigm and showing him what their stupid little catchphrase <i>really</i> means, they completely ignore him in favor of saving their brother. D'aww, that's so cute. This scene would be a lot more touching if they weren't so hideously drawn (I realize sharks don't have necks but <i>man</i>, that blue shark's head needs to stop merging into his body) and if the whole reason they saved their brother first wasn't so they'd have an extra shark available to terrorize the evil balding man. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLxGqLa80898lXo1VQmfUoVMqZfznkR4z1XRDKwIbDv-w5DooC0EQzoanc71Evm5Xp_kyN2msmhaawvGn4qyQG5_Uhx5HGd088pgxprv8QvaD7bvhB6ZKLD8eOScz4Dv3fMzSJYloYUfA/s1600/sharkbite16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLxGqLa80898lXo1VQmfUoVMqZfznkR4z1XRDKwIbDv-w5DooC0EQzoanc71Evm5Xp_kyN2msmhaawvGn4qyQG5_Uhx5HGd088pgxprv8QvaD7bvhB6ZKLD8eOScz4Dv3fMzSJYloYUfA/s320/sharkbite16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"My arms are growing out of my ears!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The hideous fish people are a little miffed at the whole "getting injected by shark serum, left for dead, mutated, shot at by lasers, captured by military, treated like monsters, gassed, chained to a table, and nearly dissected" thing that Dr. Paradigm did to them (it's been a rough 24 hours for the Bolton family), so what do you expect them to do with Señor Chromedome now that he's completely defenseless, there are no guards around to witness the brutal things they're about to do, and they have him right where they want him? <br />
<br />
...besides the really obvious guess. Don't lie. You pictured the exact same thing I did. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2AxkAJrC7ZGWZyrkEAdP-zumZ3qorjZ70IoEezUOS9aWEL-G5pmBBKkbfI9gAm7DlbuW8J1P5Kq5663GiY6u1MiBX1Ne6EPNkrzymMZwUMBpFENwtlvS8Ity0ig8vkKR9JiJRxcld5Oc/s1600/sharkbite17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2AxkAJrC7ZGWZyrkEAdP-zumZ3qorjZ70IoEezUOS9aWEL-G5pmBBKkbfI9gAm7DlbuW8J1P5Kq5663GiY6u1MiBX1Ne6EPNkrzymMZwUMBpFENwtlvS8Ity0ig8vkKR9JiJRxcld5Oc/s320/sharkbite17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"B-but whale sharks are filter feeders!"<br />
"Who says I'm going to eat you after I'm done murdering you?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Well, actually, instead of having a gruesome little feeding frenzy, they're going to do exploratory surgery on Dr. Paradigm. Oh, the situational irony!<br />
<br />
Now, Street Sharks, while this<i> is</i> really frightening (because unnecessary surgery typically is), considering all of you are now<b> sharks</b>, this is just needlessly complicating things. Why wield a tiny little saw when your mouth is now filled with weapons?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfBjdfzPaQ7g1vjPldkXgIX9BJSlMFVcjkHSdt-lULWdMOSRdAwFO0eSY-kn76Vk6CtSBdwbH1bDQpnoW9lW2sIe9GMLXHWLDdviAtOAATkfxgynFxRZphd-ShxDiVpnYRUwMjy5_-4iw/s1600/sharkbite18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfBjdfzPaQ7g1vjPldkXgIX9BJSlMFVcjkHSdt-lULWdMOSRdAwFO0eSY-kn76Vk6CtSBdwbH1bDQpnoW9lW2sIe9GMLXHWLDdviAtOAATkfxgynFxRZphd-ShxDiVpnYRUwMjy5_-4iw/s320/sharkbite18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I guess old habits die hard, even when you're a giant eight foot shark.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Luckily, more guards show up while the cartoon honest to god uses an Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog music track, just in case you were having any doubts about this show's quality. Talk about being low on the animation food chain. And, while the music makes me flash back to the times a blue hedgehog faced off against villains more developed than Dr. Paradigm, we get to see how little the animators understand police weapons when the guards point their tasers at the sharks and <i>lasers</i> start shooting out. Yes, you heard me. Lasers. Coming out of tasers. Taserlasers.<br />
<br />
...at the risk of resurrecting an old meme, <b>TASERS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY</b>! <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEOKQSing17LvP5HjoV0KlfkSLGvgMNKkJE0fEq78iC3FSP7jrhFEM41JxRtv_aOJs1HUF8_DJ-xhm-ufkOr6_0DvUyK0z0gMSEJWw4jHMtTd3dqCntAeBH7Iw1X8reuxR5JMtHCmCCls/s1600/sharkbite19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEOKQSing17LvP5HjoV0KlfkSLGvgMNKkJE0fEq78iC3FSP7jrhFEM41JxRtv_aOJs1HUF8_DJ-xhm-ufkOr6_0DvUyK0z0gMSEJWw4jHMtTd3dqCntAeBH7Iw1X8reuxR5JMtHCmCCls/s320/sharkbite19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DON'T LASE ME BRO</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While the previously captured brother uses Dr. Paradigm as a human shield (and somehow not getting electrocuted in the process), blue leader shark says that since their beef is not with the guards, they're better off escaping instead of devouring the fleshy humans and using their mangled corpses as a warning against all that dare oppose them. <br />
<br />
Huh. That's strangely noble of them, even though they're electrocuting an essentric old man with a strange fish fetish. So I guess they're just going to set Baldy down, explain very articulately to the guards about their strange plight, maybe swap some stories and some numbers, and then continue on their merry way, right?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxe2GE2VHN63JhDTCCb_fWitPiD43QqIwZdFv-vbrRo2MuPczMS-D7rbVD7fV9mgK8QIxp6gt5JnjWxc-ZfXYpUBhjSQw7eQTIn7kSoFG7XflbFNNUCSGVRXNtWT25KF6NtoehdDDqUqw/s1600/sharkbite20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxe2GE2VHN63JhDTCCb_fWitPiD43QqIwZdFv-vbrRo2MuPczMS-D7rbVD7fV9mgK8QIxp6gt5JnjWxc-ZfXYpUBhjSQw7eQTIn7kSoFG7XflbFNNUCSGVRXNtWT25KF6NtoehdDDqUqw/s320/sharkbite20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To be fair, Paradigm really deserved this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Well, no. They escape by running up to a wall and <i>eating it</i> (god, their lower intestines must completely blocked up), allowing the roof to collapse. We even get to see giant chunks of the ceiling fall on both Dr. Paradigm and the guards, because that's just what Southern California residents who just lived through the January 1994 earthquake needed to see in a cartoon. <br />
<br />
...so, let me get this straight, Street Sharks. You make a big deal that the guards are not the enemy, leave so you won't hurt the guards, and try to take the most human approach out of a senseless conflict, but then you later turn around and cause a whole bunch of structural damage that ends up with the building caving in on the guards, defeating the entire purpose of avoiding a fight in the first place. And yet you wonder why you possess such a terrible reputation. I'm pretty sure the guards that survive this are going to remember the terrifying shark creatures that managed to eat through a goddamn <i>wall</i> more than they're going to remember the small act of mercy. This is why you can't have nice things!<br />
<br />
And thanks to this scene, now I'm wondering if DiC Entertainment actually proofreads their scripts (and not just for this show, but also for Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and Captain N) or if the writers, formerly bright-eyed Animation Majors with hopes and dreams, just hammer this crap out within a couple days and then hit the bottle. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvWd0EIggQPvxE-PnqwGYUNNa5W-EiyoDnXKF4pw3kQdknGzP-56IvnPXASmsSgqqzwCVxDFBlKABFhlud_BiZDbhbOcmPbgMvNTA1MeDSSyZC5lozpGWVX99nmnXc53L9e9nJ2lZJITI/s1600/sharkbite21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvWd0EIggQPvxE-PnqwGYUNNa5W-EiyoDnXKF4pw3kQdknGzP-56IvnPXASmsSgqqzwCVxDFBlKABFhlud_BiZDbhbOcmPbgMvNTA1MeDSSyZC5lozpGWVX99nmnXc53L9e9nJ2lZJITI/s320/sharkbite21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wish there was an episode of TMNT where Raphael just runs up to a wall and starts eating it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Course, their wall-eating incident is quickly forgiven, because The Best Character on the Show (better than both the salami and the bologna combined) is there to pick them up and save them from the science facility! I hate to say this, but watching this show makes me want to go on eBay and pick up a Bends action figure. It's never a dull moment when Bends gently caresses the screen with his placid surfer ways. I don't even smoke and yet I want to light a joint in honor of this god among men.<br />
<br />
By the way, I love how this is a show filled with humans that were transformed into grotesque land sharks able to burrow through concrete, a anthropomorphic swordfish with a drill attached to his face, and a giant talking lobster, and yet the most interesting character is the crazy stoner with the strange action figure-esque car. They need to invent a new word for this level of fail.<br />
<br />
...wait! He was arrested at the end of the last episode with the sharks! Why the hell is both he and his vehicle safe and sound when he was an accomplice to the sharks' crimes, was resisting arrest, and was definitely driving under the influence? <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW9eiVPsF4EO4enux10WaCJQolTcngQGqTOfS9N6YGDepXb6V-jbgUQlJ23ELZm-Ba2_67S2fRWmBmr8ZYDrbBU3Ia99D1h5f7tOe99nImkuPdNO1DImrDmfYKlqVkP0eQVo3QXS7P9J8/s1600/sharkbite22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW9eiVPsF4EO4enux10WaCJQolTcngQGqTOfS9N6YGDepXb6V-jbgUQlJ23ELZm-Ba2_67S2fRWmBmr8ZYDrbBU3Ia99D1h5f7tOe99nImkuPdNO1DImrDmfYKlqVkP0eQVo3QXS7P9J8/s320/sharkbite22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, Lena? How do you cheat a urine test?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The door for the loading bay jams, but luckily, the blue shark is there to eat a hole through it and help them escape. Bends, as baked as ever, starts rambling in approval and starts throwing out a bunch of names relating to ripping like The Big Ripper and The Ripster until the shark, possibly to shut his druggie friend up, decides that one of those names that tumbled out of Bends' drug-filled mouth was nice enough to use. <br />
<br />
And so, a name is coined. The blue shark is now Ripster. Guess how much I give a crap. Personally, I care more about the fact that this shark had a rat when he was human and <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--NftfD10vqo/TkCkZBn0btI/AAAAAAAAAoI/SjalHk59Ymc/s1600/shark25.jpg">poor Hillary</a> starved to death off-screen.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhft94Coe9QmIUUZVg6odFcb-jtxJqlBlI7hL-2Go-pcozkaAaJI6cMQ3yV081AleNR1DlYtbkvcX0pymJPiSNr6jfVvr6d56Hj-moQtPqyZC3-qEwAawkWn7oqfgcImttGRwbcCSmnwOw/s1600/sharkbite23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhft94Coe9QmIUUZVg6odFcb-jtxJqlBlI7hL-2Go-pcozkaAaJI6cMQ3yV081AleNR1DlYtbkvcX0pymJPiSNr6jfVvr6d56Hj-moQtPqyZC3-qEwAawkWn7oqfgcImttGRwbcCSmnwOw/s320/sharkbite23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Why is your car door a soccer net?"<br />
"Because it'll look cool on the merchandise. Also drugs."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But then, before Bends can leave and force the bad guys to eat both their dust and their secondhand marijuana smoke, tanks show up to stop the sharks! Because this city can afford to use tanks (which are pretty expensive vehicles to maintain) as a form of law enforcement and doesn't at all care that a tank firing a mortar shell into a busy city street would cost thousands upon thousands of dollars in property damage and also <i>kill</i> people. Yeeeah, this is one of those ideas that looks good on paper but just doesn't make sense.<br />
<br />
And I have the sneaking feeling that they made toys out of these things. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf970wCXXnw9TALGCFdBe9d8qf16YtW712l6cdVZsQhdDI3-ix4GGDfMcBX3yyYliUG8UYnfXOelv5-wN6W02g1TvvXKO9-V1c43i5J96fX8oWxYdCYOm66oBlW7ZymhfOgq3o1n_TBa8/s1600/sharkbite24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf970wCXXnw9TALGCFdBe9d8qf16YtW712l6cdVZsQhdDI3-ix4GGDfMcBX3yyYliUG8UYnfXOelv5-wN6W02g1TvvXKO9-V1c43i5J96fX8oWxYdCYOm66oBlW7ZymhfOgq3o1n_TBa8/s320/sharkbite24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The tanks also shoot lasers. Tanks have lasers, right? </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As expected, the tanks are nothing more than fist fodder for the giant sharks, because if this show's taught me one thing, it's that sharks can't respect anyone else's property and feel that obstacles can only be removed with a healthy application of cartoon violence. And not only that, but we have to take the time and watch every last shark destroy a tank, while each one says some sort of snappy one-liner that has to do with fighting and while the soundtrack blares out phoned-in guitar riffs. This show just made me hate the 90's. <br />
<br />
The Street Sharks' bodies never fail to creep me out either. Of <i>course</i> they nearly double in mass on the top half of their bodies, but their asses remain completely human.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYKljkMB2MDYzb2_rufa-uigXMzJWHjFG6j-xcuSoDwFidKHh6EseMkuq1zMRUji8WyqAW8cCgdi7duzUvqm3TtPMmuFPJXcUnFbQr2q-MlRYYt59Nahypw0NiIk1YyLhgKJ-lp3n7lFc/s1600/sharkbite25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYKljkMB2MDYzb2_rufa-uigXMzJWHjFG6j-xcuSoDwFidKHh6EseMkuq1zMRUji8WyqAW8cCgdi7duzUvqm3TtPMmuFPJXcUnFbQr2q-MlRYYt59Nahypw0NiIk1YyLhgKJ-lp3n7lFc/s320/sharkbite25.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
With Bends is totally okay with the fact that the four sharks just killed several people who were only doing their jobs right in front of him (come on, you can't expect me to believe that those tanks were empty), everyone, including Lena, who just stood on the sidelines and watched like she normally does, piles into the car and they make their escape. It's a good thing Bends has a vehicle that can seat four steroid-filled mutants. Even though, thanks to wonky perspective, there is absolutely no way those sharks could all fit in there. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieOGWgQRbVdn6w9NUA_3bqFAcrhN3ULbSI4LJQtgWjAZb_4htrfBDnJJLRuDBB-CBY1UKnwdenHmG3YABuRuYRkcoW-l_94nsWbiQPSxqk7hEp4pxKCARkx0W_SvNRkGpOFl2yvLGrneY/s1600/sharkbite26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieOGWgQRbVdn6w9NUA_3bqFAcrhN3ULbSI4LJQtgWjAZb_4htrfBDnJJLRuDBB-CBY1UKnwdenHmG3YABuRuYRkcoW-l_94nsWbiQPSxqk7hEp4pxKCARkx0W_SvNRkGpOFl2yvLGrneY/s320/sharkbite26.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's a Street Sharks clown car!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We then get a car chase scene with the police. Whee. After the tank sequence, it feels like a major downgrade in terms of excitement, and really, this scene shouldn't even exist because it just tells us what we already learned in the previous episode; that Bends is crazy good at evading the police because he knows all of the right shortcuts to take in this city while driving at high speeds and that the writers of this show love Dukes of Hazzard. <br />
<br />
I wonder if the writers are aware of how these last couple of scenes make Bends look very suspicious. I know I crack a lot of drug dealer jokes at this man's expense, but he's making it way too easy. There's being bodacious and radical to appeal to an EXTREME!!! 90's crowd and then there's doing things that automatically puts you on at least three different government watch lists. Guess what category Bends falls under.<br />
<br />
And it only gets worse when we learn that his Doobiemobile has goddamn<i> <b>rocket boosters</b> </i>on it, allowing its driver to jump off of unfinished ramps. I'm pretty sure just an ordinary employee at a college doesn't need a really spacious car capable of flight, <i>Bends</i>. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKv_TmDpk2Go-ItengHvFbdcWOSJekXeJjbFOiqmeSxS6-uktQ2xi7IzUYQ0i7bKYp75vwCKMG1Pgu9imy6GQk7Ys8cwT3_q6YSrdr4CUeV43TKyoNObOuukCpXM48e49cvMAULvxTcTc/s1600/sharkbite27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKv_TmDpk2Go-ItengHvFbdcWOSJekXeJjbFOiqmeSxS6-uktQ2xi7IzUYQ0i7bKYp75vwCKMG1Pgu9imy6GQk7Ys8cwT3_q6YSrdr4CUeV43TKyoNObOuukCpXM48e49cvMAULvxTcTc/s320/sharkbite27.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Somewhere, Doc Brown is crying.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
They land on the roof of a building, somehow not plowing through the ceiling and dying in a horrific car crash, and then Bends decides to take action. The moment his goofy Mystery Machine slows to a stop, he pulls out a bunch of ropes he just has lying around his car (not suspicious at all!) and, with a "Gotta tumble!", Shaggy's crack-addicted brother bungee jumps off of a flagpole and expects everyone to follow his example. <br />
<br />
...he does this a lot, doesn't he?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2f0JGF6G8LYOhj7uCkYqy-GEpyqhKMEYGv4UA5LK7fwhSoOfuAu99Me85vbI4l5PM2YXH228qACrq8puTwTQbSX-vIdsacSAQ-nyApKHPYe07F0aC1DjE-0e5F0gyPMxhyhbhPcp6jbg/s1600/streetsharks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2f0JGF6G8LYOhj7uCkYqy-GEpyqhKMEYGv4UA5LK7fwhSoOfuAu99Me85vbI4l5PM2YXH228qACrq8puTwTQbSX-vIdsacSAQ-nyApKHPYe07F0aC1DjE-0e5F0gyPMxhyhbhPcp6jbg/s320/streetsharks.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVd32ytS7hxzxxdZ4KuPg0ENROgIMrTKNsFJ_a7EhgOuhBY1b8cTr_fSaXlNEUsHFf-DfshJlZFQOKa_ax2oTAuAnFOkgTF-rak3uXwhTAcpGno8DkDhQths0Nv8l3wwsZUBKzFbD3XiQ/s1600/streetsharks1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVd32ytS7hxzxxdZ4KuPg0ENROgIMrTKNsFJ_a7EhgOuhBY1b8cTr_fSaXlNEUsHFf-DfshJlZFQOKa_ax2oTAuAnFOkgTF-rak3uXwhTAcpGno8DkDhQths0Nv8l3wwsZUBKzFbD3XiQ/s320/streetsharks1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm high all the time, so I lack the fear of heights mere mortals have."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I just love the look the Street Sharks' faces when they see the man jump off a goddamn <i>building</i>. It's like they're thinking about the same stuff I just brought up and it's slowly coming together in their minds on why Bends always smells so funny and why there are mysterious packages lying around his office. This, my friends, perfectly sums up the reason why Bends is so awesome. He's the <b>real</b> main character. They should name this show Street Dealer instead.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwilhBmFDmbs9Ol5pVd5z0__cWN9ZS3AwG7twqMYeDKXk7xdyXHteUQ-_VWKL6KIhe1_Edd62dMWKTMY27QY2E8Tf2OFCy8cfvU2N_XPs_7mCuZyGCrvV0L2laXgiIdGhhvmDjUO4ao-4/s1600/streetsharks2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwilhBmFDmbs9Ol5pVd5z0__cWN9ZS3AwG7twqMYeDKXk7xdyXHteUQ-_VWKL6KIhe1_Edd62dMWKTMY27QY2E8Tf2OFCy8cfvU2N_XPs_7mCuZyGCrvV0L2laXgiIdGhhvmDjUO4ao-4/s320/streetsharks2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We really need to stage an intervention."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Think this is really strange and almost frightening? Oh, but it gets worse, my friends. Much worse. Because when the sharks bungee jump off the building, Bends opens up a garbage dumpster and everyone disappears inside it. Turns out there's a secret underground chute in that particular dumpster. Not suspicious at all!<br />
<br />
Ignoring the fact that Bends, someone who definitely has their hand in the manufacturing and distribution of all kinds of unsafe chemicals, knows of a secret tunnel system, this seems like the worst entrance to put an underground chute in a city. Who knows how many hobos have accidentally tumbled to their deaths when they tried dumpster-diving for food in the wrong place. Plus you can't seriously say that the waste management in Fission City hasn't tried emptying that thing at one point.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA44Xhkzu9sYV7edjIUDV8RQuEm5SIRBn5Vk3LeoV9UTPiGYMGtu2J4xSMbU08JALJ_B9MXlm7y-N-h0DP_OBM-e32NKanqZvtS9t72q7RpNkzH5E7KuZyo2uZ0rkEKLTYqPFjFs5OXJA/s1600/streetsharks3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA44Xhkzu9sYV7edjIUDV8RQuEm5SIRBn5Vk3LeoV9UTPiGYMGtu2J4xSMbU08JALJ_B9MXlm7y-N-h0DP_OBM-e32NKanqZvtS9t72q7RpNkzH5E7KuZyo2uZ0rkEKLTYqPFjFs5OXJA/s320/streetsharks3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why does this show have so many ass shots...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Best part? <i>The police are completely baffled.</i> To them, those sharks have completely vanished. They might as well go home, because it's not like the criminals left their vehicle, perfect crime evidence, on the roof of a building (surely someone must've seen the flying car) and it's not like there's a giant, conspicuous dumpster in the area or anything! <br />
<br />
Okay, maybe Bends being able to escape the police isn't that notable of an achievement after all. From the looks of it, <i>I</i> could outsmart these morons. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE5UMSPZzOH2plss3OEncG-k9OblpCT9bpgagOcrr2gi1ldymyPhbNiVUdEmL9Zhe5C5GWjNrdqI6CE_nhfdmvufLELRHTpnf7qXT6_smeiCRo1Z_LH9aO617g4WRFxhQom2Rq5hxY9fw/s1600/streetsharks4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE5UMSPZzOH2plss3OEncG-k9OblpCT9bpgagOcrr2gi1ldymyPhbNiVUdEmL9Zhe5C5GWjNrdqI6CE_nhfdmvufLELRHTpnf7qXT6_smeiCRo1Z_LH9aO617g4WRFxhQom2Rq5hxY9fw/s320/streetsharks4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If you can figure out where the sharks went just by looking at this screenshot, <br />
then you're smarter than the entire Fission City police force.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While the world's most retarded law enforcement just gives up and goes home, the fish-themed freaks slide down an underground tunnel and end up in a very extensive steam tunnel system that runs underneath the entire university. Or at least they call it a "steam tunnel system", when everyone knows that they really want to say "sewer". Come on, Street Sharks. I know your game. You could at least try to make your repeated ripping off of TMNT look a little less obvious. <br />
<br />
And for those keeping track at home, Bends can elude the police, has a car tricked out with features in order to better escape the police, has a secret tunnel leading underground he frequently uses, and knows his way around a vast tunnel system hidden underneath the city. I understand that he's trying to keep the fact that he's a major criminal drug lord from his friends, but he's certainly not doing a good job hiding it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkFyovFsqrMfJprznspsDl185rlsnaBUK0o4tEM0xXS-hbf4ci7lgQkM4B_bajdZJok8AlWfUTO46o6Nrp_x3Eyw-E0HiaOgk3M0TAmXwR1KOt6ekUwNhgJ5gIluPcqBSMupOsbRb_xvo/s1600/streetsharks5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkFyovFsqrMfJprznspsDl185rlsnaBUK0o4tEM0xXS-hbf4ci7lgQkM4B_bajdZJok8AlWfUTO46o6Nrp_x3Eyw-E0HiaOgk3M0TAmXwR1KOt6ekUwNhgJ5gIluPcqBSMupOsbRb_xvo/s320/streetsharks5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The FBI will never catch me!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As expected, once they hit the <strike>sewers</strike> <i>steam tunnels</i>, it turns out that Bends, in addition to be addicted to every known illegal substance on the planet, also has a secret hideout. And not just any hideout, but a hideout meant for kings, because it comes complete with cable, a VCR, several work-out stations, a garage, and enough food and shelter for a man to just live down there. And it's all hidden underneath the college's hockey rink. <br />
<br />
Well. That isn't suspicious at all. You'd think the sharks would be asking a question or two about the life Bends leads and why he would require a secret hideout connected to underground tunnels with well-maintained lighting and everything...<br />
<br />
Also nice Jaws cameo there, cartoon. See, it's funny because that movie is a famous shark movie and this cartoon is about sharks. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLYKkF2Sp-sRurTOctYkyd3nOjvJlPv46a75MEZ5i0kE2eqYbXQBIml44nPUHBH5pqcPG8YZy0r-0OGH73NWgC-BZLwEoLdyKX2_CaC7yESolrbi1MgriUU-hnI6WTe9eT-cJxrIILSIQ/s1600/streetsharks7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLYKkF2Sp-sRurTOctYkyd3nOjvJlPv46a75MEZ5i0kE2eqYbXQBIml44nPUHBH5pqcPG8YZy0r-0OGH73NWgC-BZLwEoLdyKX2_CaC7yESolrbi1MgriUU-hnI6WTe9eT-cJxrIILSIQ/s320/streetsharks7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They had to digitally edit all of the marijuana smoke clouds floating around the place <br />
in order to have this safely air on television.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
With a very cliche "Dr. Paradigm will never think to look for you here!", this place becomes cemented as the sharks' headquarters. Hooray! Now, instead of sleeping in their familiar beds, they can try to make themselves comfortable in a place that reeks of cannabis and vomit. I'm sure they're just thrilled by this turn of events. I also hope that Bends' hideout is equipped with toilets that can handle giant chunks of plaster getting flushed down the pipes. <br />
<br />
The moment they hear this depressing news, they decide to focus on something else by checking the TV, and sure enough, like all televisions in the cartoon world, something plot relevant is happening on the news channel. In the Street Sharks' case, it turns out the news caster is reporting what the shark monsters used to look like before their horrible dad turned them into street sharks. Dr. Paradigm is kind of an asshole, intentionally feeding the wrong information to the city just so he can make the sharks' lives that much more miserable, but you have to admire his thoroughness. <br />
<br />
...also wait, why is the news reporter calling them "Street Sharks" if Bends came up with that title and none of the sharks really used it yet before they got captured?<br />
<br />
I just love the mugshots they use for the four boys though. You think they would've went with some photos that <i>didn't</i> make them look like jerks.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAQsQamGzrhgDWzv1nGrEDVKx0Ijko_fDwqpjOFjNiCnuSWQwoabK4UNyRDnenlWfTWEzuLrQE12e3qXd_CC3kmXTATzZojzcYdcjL8KJXzEXGxn-gm_khQQUhzr3R6X1fHztA_EfP52w/s1600/streetsharks8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAQsQamGzrhgDWzv1nGrEDVKx0Ijko_fDwqpjOFjNiCnuSWQwoabK4UNyRDnenlWfTWEzuLrQE12e3qXd_CC3kmXTATzZojzcYdcjL8KJXzEXGxn-gm_khQQUhzr3R6X1fHztA_EfP52w/s320/streetsharks8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"And our top story tonight is Douchebags: The Silent Pandemic."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The sharks are so mad at this that they grab the TV and eat it, which is pretty much their solution to all of their problems. Yeah! That'll show that TV reporter for merely doing her job!<br />
<br />
Also way to show how much you appreciate your friend giving you a place to stay while the rest of the city views you as monsters that need to be destroyed, guys. I know Bends can just afford to buy a new TV with the money he gets from his underground dealing rings but still... <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1g09ExyEyIbSJTq3SYMXMLoefYi-oJgZlI_rbSyHbCp6PQ9GaIBvLpeq2zDI2isv9_ZakaZjQnWaVmdmILK1IVu3JCl3cKQADl8roPMc_RLKclimIbYVTF02gDcu4yKDoOuiMgotHPdg/s1600/streetsharks9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1g09ExyEyIbSJTq3SYMXMLoefYi-oJgZlI_rbSyHbCp6PQ9GaIBvLpeq2zDI2isv9_ZakaZjQnWaVmdmILK1IVu3JCl3cKQADl8roPMc_RLKclimIbYVTF02gDcu4yKDoOuiMgotHPdg/s320/streetsharks9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gentlemen, if you're having trouble working the DVR, you can just ask for help...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since they did just eat a TV, Lena helpfully offers that they go out for pizza. The moment the sharks hear the word "pizza", all four of them start to gag and loudly voice their displeasure for such a food item. Get it? Because the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles love pizza and, by making fun of pizza, you're making fun of them. Yeah, that'll show that franchise they're audaciously copying! How dare they be more original than them?<br />
<br />
And it's so weird how these malformed animals are okay with eating walls or a TV and yet a pizza is what causes them to complain. I guess pizzas don't have enough electrical wiring or asbestos in them.<br />
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<br />
Lena thankfully leaves, and she remains gone for the rest of the episode, and that's when we learn that this hideout is at the back of Bend's shop. Not only that, but he also has shark-themed vehicles just lying around for the sharks to ride and for toy companies to shamelessly shill off to an unsuspecting audience. Convenient!<br />
<br />
Sadly, I owned the car on the left. Never in my life have I felt so guilty about something I've done.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg47L3VqZ_XxX0xXCbqqjjmQwX-9kXcH3e8dwdpLIKF8-Jm45_KdVkWlX-a3QfeKCCoimFJZJKVnsXDdKCtQgERmFdoQD7-c43fSBWY1AvQQgZRdv_4Dp8dVeLon4atUVAcGGWixkN6C_8/s1600/streetsharks11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg47L3VqZ_XxX0xXCbqqjjmQwX-9kXcH3e8dwdpLIKF8-Jm45_KdVkWlX-a3QfeKCCoimFJZJKVnsXDdKCtQgERmFdoQD7-c43fSBWY1AvQQgZRdv_4Dp8dVeLon4atUVAcGGWixkN6C_8/s320/streetsharks11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So what if I like to build shark-themed vehicles in my spare time? Everyone's got a hobby!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We've seen enough of the sharks and Bends the amazing drug lord for the moment, so we have to check on Dr. BaldyCliches. While he's, once again, talking in exposition to himself (he might want to see a doctor about that), we learn that since the sharks are strong, resistant to disease, and are modeled after the perfect predator, he wants the four sharks alive so that he can modify their DNA and make them loyal to him. Because DNA can do freaking anything. <br />
<br />
...no offense doc, but what's stopping you from just using more shark DNA to create sharks that are actually loyal to you? Also that whole "resistant to disease" thing is a very common misconception, but now I'm just nitpicking.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU_IcPJFZLdBPIER1K-Xrnk8K7m6LBdBW0nleQtYeloviYWWHnWZFHXqy2rfi8JoVBmgzKZ_4YKUuLWr62KGsTmQuHU80ZM7jRqKpxAenZCjplNdoValkHnCDxn3X5uq1IYydomwSQK4Q/s1600/streetsharks12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU_IcPJFZLdBPIER1K-Xrnk8K7m6LBdBW0nleQtYeloviYWWHnWZFHXqy2rfi8JoVBmgzKZ_4YKUuLWr62KGsTmQuHU80ZM7jRqKpxAenZCjplNdoValkHnCDxn3X5uq1IYydomwSQK4Q/s320/streetsharks12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This is the worst Facebook app ever."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But when he dwells on their strengths, Dr. Robotnik realizes that they just have one weakness. They still have the human feelings of loyalty to their friends! They feel love, kindness, and all of those other mushy feelings that make terrible cartoon villains such as himself cry out in rage. <br />
<br />
And, with that train of thought, Paradork figures out his latest scheme. Of course! Attack their friends! It's so cliche it just might work! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrAxDUHYAP_tUTKYI4TR_CxXEoY8hcJc8huWlpJUDdumEA_BR9ckIh2W5NE2yjVsUMAYko9UrOkvZ9q2ylLfksvttup9XdS7yVpDvx0l9oOgsTNA4dfxsv21tfj009kPsdgB2CQw2QD2I/s1600/streetsharks13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrAxDUHYAP_tUTKYI4TR_CxXEoY8hcJc8huWlpJUDdumEA_BR9ckIh2W5NE2yjVsUMAYko9UrOkvZ9q2ylLfksvttup9XdS7yVpDvx0l9oOgsTNA4dfxsv21tfj009kPsdgB2CQw2QD2I/s320/streetsharks13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Tonight on America's Most Wanted, we talk about a dreaded mafia boss that's still at large <br />
and in control of one of the biggest smuggling operations in the country..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And, because Slash and Slobster (you know, those completely uninteresting minions Dr. Paradigm is cursed with) haven't gotten much use this entire episode, they get to be a huge part of Dr. Paradigm's silly kidnapping scheme. And also fight the sharks, because they're contractually obligated to engage in at least one fight scene per episode regardless of the tedium and the monotony. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzCU0jaOtsSorW0-KZgjEvTygpueTw-zKLsswIzLCuXnMKtqWNiwHhMB-B4fibZh6_zOpZgiH1IYbzxSFj0p1ANp2igb7ree3fwXyn78qPBMEFoUH81neDb_Yfw3VmmMnE2OZlH9a32WQ/s1600/streetsharks14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzCU0jaOtsSorW0-KZgjEvTygpueTw-zKLsswIzLCuXnMKtqWNiwHhMB-B4fibZh6_zOpZgiH1IYbzxSFj0p1ANp2igb7ree3fwXyn78qPBMEFoUH81neDb_Yfw3VmmMnE2OZlH9a32WQ/s320/streetsharks14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Here we go, I guess."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As expected, like the two characters that they shamelessly ripped off, the two minions have already gone through some nice villain decay and are already a good deal less threatening than they were during their introductory episode. Remember how they were able to push a roller coaster over with their bare hands? Trust me when I say this, but that's going to be the peak of their usefulness. Only unlike Bebop and Rocksteady or Scratch and Grounder, who are at least pretty entertaining in their failures, with these two, you can't help but wonder if Dr. Paradigm tells them to fight the sharks is because he's secretly waiting for the day where they get killed and he has the perfect excuse to create better mutants. <br />
<br />
I also find it sad that these characters have been in two episodes already and I seriously can't describe any aspect of their personalities at all. Is Slash an arrogant playboy who manages to hide a gentle idealism underneath his hissing exterior? Does Slobster love a good romance novel? Come on, cartoon, actually develop someone! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggX2QcZy-5OT41n-X46E1zJuevvoY3vTh66eCWyEzfB3_ta-SK-8B_Zwz9L_DuEAth8XpC3xqiarqJaayKnX4KsdqvrWMIfPfHjYwByfHqudaemmcoi_8uucNW1zYxKs_NDb5gIgcPvbc/s1600/streetsharks15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggX2QcZy-5OT41n-X46E1zJuevvoY3vTh66eCWyEzfB3_ta-SK-8B_Zwz9L_DuEAth8XpC3xqiarqJaayKnX4KsdqvrWMIfPfHjYwByfHqudaemmcoi_8uucNW1zYxKs_NDb5gIgcPvbc/s320/streetsharks15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To be fair, lobsters are not known for their shark-defeating abilities.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This time around, Slobster and Slash are only here as a distraction, because while the two ugly monsters are fighting the more heroic ugly monsters, Dr. Paradigm actually lands his helicopter next to Bends (who happens to be standing off to the side, cheering the hideous shark mutants on while he's puffing on a reefer) and captures him with a net gun.<br />
<br />
...let me rephrase that. Dr. Paradigm snuck up on someone...with a<b> helicopter</b>. You know, those giant flying machines that make a whole ton of noise even when they're flying overhead, let alone flying right next to someone. They need to use that as a reason why you shouldn't do drugs. Who the hell doesn't hear a goddamn <i>helicopter</i>?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcitbUwY2AXIfIUv0sY5CZzi-vGF8jT_h_vQf2RXSFWReb_JT6z8Jy50uoh99IwRJYBtPtwSjYCb9dWA0JA3vAU0ekEg4J2poLfUTr6kZOEGQx1zadrv5rffDhpJEww3EniXD-4IA4SKs/s1600/streetsharks16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcitbUwY2AXIfIUv0sY5CZzi-vGF8jT_h_vQf2RXSFWReb_JT6z8Jy50uoh99IwRJYBtPtwSjYCb9dWA0JA3vAU0ekEg4J2poLfUTr6kZOEGQx1zadrv5rffDhpJEww3EniXD-4IA4SKs/s320/streetsharks16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't smoke pot, kids, or else you'll be so stoned that helicopters can take you by surprise.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The walking bundle of villain cliches, now that he has their drug-addict, has very simple demands, appropriate for a very simple show. All the Street Sharks have to do is surrender themselves to him or else he will bioengineer the druggie into a monstrosity so hideous and so deformed that not even a starving piranha would look at him. So...basically he's just going to turn Bends into another Street Shark then.<br />
<br />
While Dr. Paradigm taunts the sharks, we briefly see a figure hiding behind a bush, cloaked in shadows. This happens to be Dr. Bolton, and it's a reoccurring theme in the show to have him working behind the scenes, always watching his children but never informing them where he is or even what species he is. According to Wikipedia, it's because "he now lives in hiding because the mutation process done to him by Paradigm is unchangeable", which just makes him sound like a big crybaby because <b>all</b> of the mutations in this show are like that. What makes him so different?<br />
<br />
But reasons for his methods aside, people have gone mad trying to figure out what Dr. Bolton is. You can't figure out what he looks like from the shadows or the silhouettes he leaves either, because he'll radically change in size and shape depending on the episode. I suppose it's to build up intrigue, but as a kid, it just comes off as frustrating. One of the reasons I'm studying to become an Animator is so I can enter the industry, find someone that worked on this show, and force them to tell me what the Street Sharks' dad mutated into. I need closure!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5mw70tLiANmx881pCMRMAemLWoUfPynpv-u1l84NoWRQ6HOYJSJ3JuJuIP_DRzxRxQotefXX3e5X9m6UPtlh7TgsjTDFqI22uVFREAo9rI7fwUWGOlRgkW7ICXip5wg6Y7QjGrCJNUZs/s1600/streetsharks17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5mw70tLiANmx881pCMRMAemLWoUfPynpv-u1l84NoWRQ6HOYJSJ3JuJuIP_DRzxRxQotefXX3e5X9m6UPtlh7TgsjTDFqI22uVFREAo9rI7fwUWGOlRgkW7ICXip5wg6Y7QjGrCJNUZs/s320/streetsharks17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hmmm. I could be helping my co-worker, but I don't want to ruin my frustrating mysteriousness."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Sadly, since Dr. Paradigm gave a deadline, what follows is probably the most shameless attempt at EXTREME! possible, because it's up to the Street Sharks to save the day on their sweet new wheels that are now at your local Wal-Mart. This is when the show tries its best to appeal to the young impressionable male demographic that thinks that, just because a cartoon has mutants and transformations and soundtracks filled with guitar solos, it's a totally radical and tubular piece of animation and therefore they should buy all of their toys and support the corporate entity that birthed these merchandise-driven fish. Police trying to arrest them are involved, bikers trying to kill them are involved, a train in danger is involved, and them swimming through the streets is involved. It's very paint-by-numbers.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, I'm sitting here, wondering how a helicopter ride with Bends was like instead of being engaged in this tomfoolery. I like to imagine Dr. Paradigm getting increasingly frustrated at Bends' philosophical questions and demands for tacos to fuel his munchie attacks. I bet along the way, he ended up wishing that he had gone the more traditional route and captured Lena instead.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigG6Ian0uNqOS9uWoXnq4XYYD5E6Hy8RxHC66t26NWbdcUUP_J61VF9i-3jmRBJZ1H1yTLs3maTlKgwDauIpMgL5zOTcdJ0YCwjh29aZ-9dsY9hbp6PnBnU2u-E8TP8C2VJkyBITLL-4A/s1600/streetsharks18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigG6Ian0uNqOS9uWoXnq4XYYD5E6Hy8RxHC66t26NWbdcUUP_J61VF9i-3jmRBJZ1H1yTLs3maTlKgwDauIpMgL5zOTcdJ0YCwjh29aZ-9dsY9hbp6PnBnU2u-E8TP8C2VJkyBITLL-4A/s320/streetsharks18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">New from Mattel!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So they make it to the nuclear power plant, and the sharks outline their plan to the audience while the animation takes a serious nose dive. It's really odd how one moment, this show can have intense car chase sequences complete with dynamite and trains and stuff, and the next moment, the sharks are just standing completely still in the exact same poses while flapping their gums like a group of odd-looking handpuppets. Unique character performance? What's that? <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7QFTP8ltEsf9K0CNFA4OeWGULKPDjbgEaASKO6Gtr7mF5s1OUeqFEWbMNiK0d6I-3RBoJ8VsGoorQNcKARA5Bif2q7IrPgPXWaXLVyQkTlhb6bNbfBQupFIv6QKstGweRE1JBTK6Rpdk/s1600/streetsharks19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7QFTP8ltEsf9K0CNFA4OeWGULKPDjbgEaASKO6Gtr7mF5s1OUeqFEWbMNiK0d6I-3RBoJ8VsGoorQNcKARA5Bif2q7IrPgPXWaXLVyQkTlhb6bNbfBQupFIv6QKstGweRE1JBTK6Rpdk/s320/streetsharks19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a show meant for little boys. That's why there's an obscene amount of male nudity. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And their big plan, the one that they need a whole scene to stand around and talk about in great lengths, is faking their surrender. Wow, how totally original. Like Lena, they're choosing to fight cliches with cliches, only in this case, it's fighting cliches with a cliche made from the strongest cliches and crafted by the most skilled clicheworkers from the forges of Ironcliche, nestled in the high mountains of Dun Clichogh. Sharks like to play everything by the book, even though they usually devour said book afterwards, being sharks and all.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzFUn286JmtRekub467Sbt3FHzcnPFICXXujP9FY1JcDoFpqOrQeqHAClzh5Rwq5i_x-lkEb5c43Q_vAw5S4Vv65hMKCphqyDHaYy4cfudrjBGsg1QNtPlFXKhCyFO73fMbA8goscYGqo/s1600/streetsharks20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzFUn286JmtRekub467Sbt3FHzcnPFICXXujP9FY1JcDoFpqOrQeqHAClzh5Rwq5i_x-lkEb5c43Q_vAw5S4Vv65hMKCphqyDHaYy4cfudrjBGsg1QNtPlFXKhCyFO73fMbA8goscYGqo/s320/streetsharks20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You know, I still think it'd be a lot easier for all of us if we just <i>ate</i> the giant lobster."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Oh, and just when you thought Dr. Paradigm wasn't evil enough, the next time we see him, he's actually strapping on a power suit that's extremely nautical themed. Apparently it's to help even the odds against creatures that can rip his arms off without breaking a sweat, when really, it's to give the villain a more iconic outfit he can use for the rest of the series, one that can use harpoons and fish hooks and various other fishing equipment without looking out of place. <br />
<br />
To be honest, compared to his simple red and black clothing combo he was using before, I actually like his odd wetsuit/yellow submarine hybrid of a suit, if only because this thing's way more distinct. It's silly looking, especially in closeups where it looks like he's a decapitated head in a strange early 20th century submersible, but at least it's <i>original</i>. <br />
<br />
I love Bends's line when he sees this thing for the first time. While he's strapped to an operating table, he yells "What's with the steel overcoat, dude!?". Even when he's about ready to sprout fins and become a hideous fishbeast, Bends always talks like he's chasing the dragon. And that's why I love him. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQxpvVuoQMcKlzvvYo5_STXgEW5Bi2aJaTefH2TvsBnoYxDTfLeuA49OPf4bWUWqDtNUzcWIWnx4LiH1hlvAwtyztYKuVSMAYCuIdIN-Qq9hN3WLIgoSldE8Ea7GkMXRwCEby_y7wg37I/s1600/streetsharks21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQxpvVuoQMcKlzvvYo5_STXgEW5Bi2aJaTefH2TvsBnoYxDTfLeuA49OPf4bWUWqDtNUzcWIWnx4LiH1hlvAwtyztYKuVSMAYCuIdIN-Qq9hN3WLIgoSldE8Ea7GkMXRwCEby_y7wg37I/s320/streetsharks21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Finally, I can now defeat that blasted white whale!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Ignoring his hallucinogenic-filled prisoner, Lux Luthor comically stomps his way over to his state-of-the-art computer that vaguely does whatever evil science thing he requires. There, he cycles through a rabbit, a turtle, and a rat (Hey, make fun of the Ninja Turtles all you like, cartoon, but leave Usagi Yojimbo out of this!), rejecting them all for various stupid reasons (he calls the rat "too small" and then uses a creature that's similar in size), until he settles for the piranha. And then he proceeds to gush like a fanboy about the piranha about how much of a relentless killing machine it is and, unlike a shark, it doesn't have compassion, love, and all those other human emotions. Piranhas are such badasses of the water that they hate friends and family. How totally subtle. I wonder who's going to get shot up with piranha juice before this episode is over?<br />
<br />
By the way, hate to rain on your parade, Dr. Paradigm, but piranhas would actually have more compassion and feelings for their friends and family than a shark because the whole reason piranhas are so scary is because they attack <i>in groups</i>. For a man who apparently graduated from college at the age of nine (knowing my school, he probably got a Communications Major) he sure doesn't know how to do any research.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEfd0-1ZfEXHNghbITrbPsUznRztxAjmrjPrkG_MH_g43RB5WTckrqNLVOMmB8jW05b_ihVBDxbomqQVhcLa03OoD1SOTXRZ9ixFzM3FIUot3hgqc5qPupnk0cEDVqpKbZ3fjHhkRsLAo/s1600/streetsharks22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEfd0-1ZfEXHNghbITrbPsUznRztxAjmrjPrkG_MH_g43RB5WTckrqNLVOMmB8jW05b_ihVBDxbomqQVhcLa03OoD1SOTXRZ9ixFzM3FIUot3hgqc5qPupnk0cEDVqpKbZ3fjHhkRsLAo/s320/streetsharks22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Who's that Pokémon?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And, of course, he's going to test the piranha DNA on Bends first, just for funsies. I guess being able to strip a cow to its skeleton in minutes <i>would</i> do wonders for Bends's drug-induced munchie attacks. <br />
<br />
Bends's reaction? He isn't deeply saddened by the fact that his humanity is going to be stripped away from him, nor is he fearful of the potential agonizing and personality-altering transformation he's going to suffer, but instead, he merely wonders what his dentist is going to think. Oh, that Bends. Nothing can ruin his groovy, mellow attitude on life.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvgC6Pp5ylUhzVMY-4QD6AKKr837yloGQptFtg9dkhxhpW8e_vx925HWO5LQRlsvcUVZoqyzQqyB1LyPPzgeLBQIJnFYFqk9Ip9Huge1JC3SWxcL_cD_U9TK3xdj56kPxlzXT_1vHLLl8/s1600/streetsharks23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvgC6Pp5ylUhzVMY-4QD6AKKr837yloGQptFtg9dkhxhpW8e_vx925HWO5LQRlsvcUVZoqyzQqyB1LyPPzgeLBQIJnFYFqk9Ip9Huge1JC3SWxcL_cD_U9TK3xdj56kPxlzXT_1vHLLl8/s320/streetsharks23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You're still mad about the time I showed up to that board meeting naked, aren't you? <br />
If you must know, the drinking fountain dared me to do it."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So the sharks arrive, because the ease they escaped from Slash and Slobster was so pathetic that I'm not even going to mention that scene (and to think, we were expected to buy toys of those two), and of course they're here to save their strange, underground tunnel-exploring friend. Bends is of course relieved, but I have to wonder if our loveable smoker is just writing off this entire experience as one very realistic bad trip, because a group of humanoid sharks with bulging arm muscles and teeny little human legs definitely sounds like something that can only be conceived with a tampered batch of hash.<br />
<br />
They also shout "SHARK ATTACK!" when they run into the room too. They're just going to keep saying it until someone makes a T-shirt, I guess. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQYmsHF0obyzMwGMG0Yu1Bj10uUSC-F9bbgiJyhO9FdgRSWKojyOxclTHLoBKvpQcxxvoaKfw-X_utd0t3ve5-S2pdiSQtXzE_-DATmoYwmP-rkC0lXqy0tXZAqVnZdJaH_vJnjSojHbQ/s1600/streetsharks24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQYmsHF0obyzMwGMG0Yu1Bj10uUSC-F9bbgiJyhO9FdgRSWKojyOxclTHLoBKvpQcxxvoaKfw-X_utd0t3ve5-S2pdiSQtXzE_-DATmoYwmP-rkC0lXqy0tXZAqVnZdJaH_vJnjSojHbQ/s320/streetsharks24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"MERCHANDISE-FRIENDLY CATCHPHRASE!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So they save Bends (and they save him by comically <i>ripping the operating table out of the floor with Bends still attached to it</i>), leaving them to enact part two of their cunning plan; smash the hell out of everything with their fists. Because apparently that will rid the world of the gene slammer.<br />
<br />
...can't argue with that logic.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi65TYxptAOJwz_yO-2Q_X69lq5lvhzpV9U6E4ecwkij2SYfJlXSnyVQr7SgsRKRAF4WjIQo6-kcQpjvEOTUQPiCFqezJOBTpLkcxor0CCOL38Zi2km3_Gw1wOU63w0OaVbHBLy0HzFHU/s1600/streetsharks25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi65TYxptAOJwz_yO-2Q_X69lq5lvhzpV9U6E4ecwkij2SYfJlXSnyVQr7SgsRKRAF4WjIQo6-kcQpjvEOTUQPiCFqezJOBTpLkcxor0CCOL38Zi2km3_Gw1wOU63w0OaVbHBLy0HzFHU/s320/streetsharks25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"DIE, technology!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since the sharks have such an ingenious plan that involves wrecking crap until it malfunctions, this causes the syringe of piranha DNA that Dr. Paradigm was going to inject into Bends to fly wildly out of control until it gets stuck into Dr. Paradigm's neck. Oh, <i>smooth move</i><b>,</b> sharks. Good job giving your worst enemy the DNA of a relentless killing machine.<br />
<br />
Also this is the best face I've ever seen in this entire cartoon, possibly in the entire medium. Apparently the most appropriate expression to make when something sticks a needle in your neck is to bulge out your eyes and try to do your best fish impersonation. If I could, I'd buy this animation cel, frame it, and proudly display it on my wall next to my animation cels of Baxter Stockman and Egon Spengler from The Real Ghostbusters. It'd be a great conversation starter. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw4TxixUTiEBgU6usdMKodR1e2B-GRHN48222iee1uwa3MnkTETv6USvuGOWfJkT_QPgvDPV2vDW5PtWyIFAD3Ns6deH0tnJmZFcMXgmq0tAJBNePobdXNIeAugTom0_yeXQN7JFShEaI/s1600/streetsharks26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw4TxixUTiEBgU6usdMKodR1e2B-GRHN48222iee1uwa3MnkTETv6USvuGOWfJkT_QPgvDPV2vDW5PtWyIFAD3Ns6deH0tnJmZFcMXgmq0tAJBNePobdXNIeAugTom0_yeXQN7JFShEaI/s320/streetsharks26.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">8O</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While Paradigm is screaming and writhing in pain, the sharks grab him and start demanding an antidote out of him. Oh, so<i> that's </i>why they haven't killed him yet. He's the only one capable of making an antidote to their mutations, and he's definitely going to start making one now that he's a freak like them. Oddly, this is one of the few times in this episode where you actually see that the Street Sharks really don't like being malformed aberrations that frighten their fellow citizens of this fair city. They just want to turn back to normal, even if most of the time, they're eating walls and yelling "SHARK ATTACK!" like assholes. <br />
<br />
Also, is it me, or are these sharks not at all genre-savvy? Dr. Paradigm did sort of get injected with the DNA of one of the most infamous underwater predators. They're not at all worried by that? <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiSy9sytfN_p5nPyo5TcEQSXztR4Tf9j_58zfzxgyoYgJr7trRPqZk4ezQiyPljdtKUZet4tWQXDAKuFBQdbABOc7I4HqmqwsTMjtAOVuejdLE6nQpQltU9o9SYJYzGcE2gSGkihFqAko/s1600/streetsharks27.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiSy9sytfN_p5nPyo5TcEQSXztR4Tf9j_58zfzxgyoYgJr7trRPqZk4ezQiyPljdtKUZet4tWQXDAKuFBQdbABOc7I4HqmqwsTMjtAOVuejdLE6nQpQltU9o9SYJYzGcE2gSGkihFqAko/s320/streetsharks27.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Sure enough, that's when he transforms right in front of Ripster's (hey, I remembered his name!) eyes. This is so shocking that the shark actually drops the man in disgust. Then, while Paradigm is snarling in wordless anger as his face sprouts razor-sharp teeth, everyone just sort of gathers around the guy and cracks teeth-related and plastic surgeon-related jokes at his expense, even though a smarter person would be just a teensy bit worried about their archnemesis gaining fish-related superpowers. <br />
<br />
He also gets a new name to fit his mutation from Bends, because he seems to like coining strange mutant names in his spare time. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Piranoid. Unlike the previous mutants on this show, since the batch of piranha DNA was very unstable, Dr. Paradigm doesn't turn into a complete mutant (note the fact that he has human skin still), nor does he stay in this form all the time. Instead, when he gets pissed off, his face transforms (and depending on the budget, he'll either shapeshift into it or there'll be the sound of a thunderbolt and his face just pops into piranha mode), his voice gets more high-pitched, and he becomes more irrational. But after a period of time, he'll turn back to his normal squinty-eyed self and continue lying to the people of <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eGG1msI44Qg/TkCRqFPDPLI/AAAAAAAAAno/f2zGW5fPEBs/s1600/shark17.jpg">Piss On City</a> that he's totally a good guy that hates mutants.<br />
<br />
At the risk of giving another compliment to this show, this is actually a cool villain concept that has a potential to be very interesting. In just a couple minutes, Dr. Paradigm went from being a rather boring run-of-the-mill mad scientist who wants to take over the world to a hate-filled piranhaman in a diving suit with goddamn harpoons attached to his arms. He's the reason why I want someone to reboot Street Sharks. Dr. Paranoid would be downright fantastic in more capable hands.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipF3fD0hnvZrYv4iaf1v5PZ9IoNiblmsb3MH62Zk6JA5RGXA_I_drfGvmu22munB2Rm1FGjb1sF5FGeZohP-19mjdnYRZgir-5YplWIfNuJ7Q7fLbOPG_reAVJLax6d8_UAW0VV7N0Gjs/s1600/streetsharks28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipF3fD0hnvZrYv4iaf1v5PZ9IoNiblmsb3MH62Zk6JA5RGXA_I_drfGvmu22munB2Rm1FGjb1sF5FGeZohP-19mjdnYRZgir-5YplWIfNuJ7Q7fLbOPG_reAVJLax6d8_UAW0VV7N0Gjs/s320/streetsharks28.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What Master Chief looks like without his helmet.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And, in case you don't think this is an awesome idea yet, in his anger, Dr. Piranoid soundly kicks all four of the sharks' asses because not only does he have a superpowered diving suit, but his anger is fueling all of his actions and now he's attacking like a man who has nothing to lose. It's an amazing scene to behold, because he spams lasers, harpoons, and all sorts of weapons until the sharks are forced to retreat. Hell, I could even go the extra mile and call Dr. Piranoid "jawsome".<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDcLZ1QZ1t3_Byo77SzqtmnVFwVNXKtjCjllOd2SnDeQNj07lrlms3FhjXv79iVoQsR_MC5ot0aH2R9bYmii4_0TSvIRqz0y73DZ2G8ZPOfS2PURvNEuA_BTbL74BezH-df7kjHxNYcII/s1600/streetsharks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDcLZ1QZ1t3_Byo77SzqtmnVFwVNXKtjCjllOd2SnDeQNj07lrlms3FhjXv79iVoQsR_MC5ot0aH2R9bYmii4_0TSvIRqz0y73DZ2G8ZPOfS2PURvNEuA_BTbL74BezH-df7kjHxNYcII/s320/streetsharks.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wow, is the villain actually making a callback to a previous injury in the show? That's surprisingly intelligent.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
With Dr. Piranoid being so full of win that the sharks end up running into a room in order to escape the menace, it looks like the coast is clear until Dr. Piranoid uses a convenient intercom he has in his lair to tell the sharks that they're now trapped in an Ultra-Collider that can blast them into chromosomes. Whoops. Oh, thank goodness the sharks are smart enough to walk right into a room purposely designed to <i>vaporize</i> people. What the hell, heroes?<br />
<br />
But that's not enough for Piranoid, for he decides to talk over the intercom and start ranting on and on about how they're immune to disease and they're the most powerful apex predators in the world, and he'll use his chromosomes to completely rebuild them without sympathy or remorse, and all knees will bow to the greatness that is the future shark and piranha overlords of Earth. <br />
<br />
...is it wrong that the transformation into a piranha totally redeemed this previously boring villain in my eyes? Maybe it's the power suit. Either way, if he's like this for the rest of the series, we might be onto something here.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD4IPYclZEEp2OD8rJYEQCFiGPehhBLB-ZFZXxIjZjFKg3wWDZdaL4lO_gujb2BjfQkPywSRMdfOIvEar2L0iFNNlnvyk9HvcG3ent7dVnmb0-MVra_zRr8Nofy_os2nbMdX3NCYOCHOU/s1600/streetsharks1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD4IPYclZEEp2OD8rJYEQCFiGPehhBLB-ZFZXxIjZjFKg3wWDZdaL4lO_gujb2BjfQkPywSRMdfOIvEar2L0iFNNlnvyk9HvcG3ent7dVnmb0-MVra_zRr8Nofy_os2nbMdX3NCYOCHOU/s320/streetsharks1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcigUwztJ4l5CVUanumPX9yLJAtl7H92KjujkiEJa_uzgNVAtjtgoklobcDlr4EvW8sp5IIU6p8E9xU-o9A-gUW408-buFiUKOci51uVo_dTWFpF6minK0L7aRXqWbK1D-agUbxNibyf0/s1600/streetsharks2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcigUwztJ4l5CVUanumPX9yLJAtl7H92KjujkiEJa_uzgNVAtjtgoklobcDlr4EvW8sp5IIU6p8E9xU-o9A-gUW408-buFiUKOci51uVo_dTWFpF6minK0L7aRXqWbK1D-agUbxNibyf0/s320/streetsharks2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And, to add insult to injury, Dr. Piranoid starts beatboxing over the loudspeaker while they're dying.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And that's how our episode seriously ends. With Dr. Piranoid going on a very insane rant about fish while the sharks await a very painful death where their bodies will be ripped asunder for <i>science</i>! I like how both of these episodes pretty much end the same way; Dr. Paradigm wins. Only this time, I actually enjoy the ending rather feeling a hollow emptiness inside.<br />
<br />
Is this the end of Ripster, Bobby, and...those other two sharks? Will our heroes escape the Ultra-Collider? Will the police ever discover Bends' secret underground operation? Will Slash and Slobster ever gain a personality? All of these questions will be answered and more in Part 3, so tune in next time to see the daring conclusion. Same shark time, same shark channel!<br />
<br />
<hr />
<br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
No one will find it weird if you build a secret hideout, can elude the police, have a car built with features in order to better escape the police, and know your way around a vast tunnel system hidden underneath the city if you have a chill, laid-back approach to the whole thing.<br />
<br />
Also piranha DNA can fix boring characters.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
Still a stupid stupid show, but strangely, this episode is a <i>lot</i> better than the first one.<br />
<br />
I think it was because of the fact that it did in fact make some characters more fleshed out. The last episode was introducing all of the players to the table, which is okay, but it feels like they were way more used to the material they were working with here. Lena and Paradigm in particular actually had some good scenes. Especially Dr. Paradigm, who seemed to make up for his lackluster performances in the first episode by gradually getting more interesting until turning into Dr. Piranoid.<br />
<br />
That, and there's a lot less stupid moments. Part 1 had people getting washed down a river and then eating hot dogs afterward, Dr. Bolton being an absolute nincompoop, and Paradigm being obviously evil without people guessing he was evil. Part 2...just had the taserlasers and maybe Bends. Hell, the threats were a lot more tangible. Street Sharks in Sharkbait had to fight mutants in an amusement park, and then in Sharkbite, they're receiving exploratory surgery. They certainly got their writing together, that's for sure!<br />
<br />
...and I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't invested in any of these characters, nor do I care if anyone happens to them. There's <i>some</i> enjoyment to be had here, obviously, or else I wouldn't have this much fun ripping into it. <br />
<br />
But as you can tell, this still is a pretty mediocre cartoon. The animation never rises above "bad" level, there are still gaping plot holes big enough to fit a shark in, a lot of the characters don't have any personality beyond property destruction, and it's just really silly. But despite this, I still enjoy watching this terrible show. One of the reasons I enjoy it so much is that I love laughing at how dumb these plots can get and how bad the jokes can be.<br />
<br />
So all in all, I still can't see myself watching this multiple times for legitimate enjoyment but I slightly enjoy the ride that it's offering me. Instead I like to make fun of it because I watched this all the time as a kid, completely unaware of the badness it held within.<br />
<br />
And also the Dr. Paradigm face.<br />
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX3wk-vd0zmY0ScYAxf9ayVCgFmdNfxjuGV3keBF7gzekmEzhyGKb3Q7Sz8qduU2GSJM-OHZs_AxLk6DgPKGcCp66J54IUtIDbZhe4RUAfBu5EAvbf8JiL0ThRGBWb6ya8Z0gcd3jk4q0/s1600/streetsharksohface.jpg" /><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX3wk-vd0zmY0ScYAxf9ayVCgFmdNfxjuGV3keBF7gzekmEzhyGKb3Q7Sz8qduU2GSJM-OHZs_AxLk6DgPKGcCp66J54IUtIDbZhe4RUAfBu5EAvbf8JiL0ThRGBWb6ya8Z0gcd3jk4q0/s1600/streetsharksohface.jpg" /><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX3wk-vd0zmY0ScYAxf9ayVCgFmdNfxjuGV3keBF7gzekmEzhyGKb3Q7Sz8qduU2GSJM-OHZs_AxLk6DgPKGcCp66J54IUtIDbZhe4RUAfBu5EAvbf8JiL0ThRGBWb6ya8Z0gcd3jk4q0/s1600/streetsharksohface.jpg" /><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX3wk-vd0zmY0ScYAxf9ayVCgFmdNfxjuGV3keBF7gzekmEzhyGKb3Q7Sz8qduU2GSJM-OHZs_AxLk6DgPKGcCp66J54IUtIDbZhe4RUAfBu5EAvbf8JiL0ThRGBWb6ya8Z0gcd3jk4q0/s1600/streetsharksohface.jpg" /><br />
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Never forget.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-15781203928153551482012-01-17T14:35:00.000-08:002012-01-21T00:17:52.625-08:00Five Bad Cartoons with Awesome LocationsYou know, I'm going to try something new today. <br />
<br />
I found that I'm still kind of behind as far as posts go, so instead of rushing a post out like I was going to do (and considering my next post is about a show that just transcends stupidity, I really want to take my time), I thought I'd fill in the dead space with something different. Instead of talking about a show in length and pointing out as many logical fallacies as possible, I'm going to take a page from the Cracked.com/Nostalgic Critic/<insert some other site famous for funny lists> diary and do a list. <br />
<br />
If it works, I can crank one of these out whenever I notice that I'm behind schedule. If it doesn't work, I can just throw up my hands, say "Oh well", and I continue living life. <br />
<br />
It probably helps that the subject I'm choosing is not something everyone's seen like "Worst Cartoons of the 1990's" or "Scariest Scenes in a Disney Film". Instead, like most of my blog where I spend huge chunks of my time trying to polish a turd like Street Sharks or Captain Planet and saying that one part is legitimately funny or good, I'm going to try to, at least in my lists, point to things that a lot of people hate and say that there is something worth redeeming.<br />
<br />
And this time around, I want to point out locations. Locales are where the cartoons, of course, take place (unless you want your characters to be floating in a blank white void), but they always seem to be relegated to the background. A cool location can enhance a picture, and a terrible, badly-written area can drag something down, but they very, very rarely make or break a production. No one leaves a movie going "Yeah, the story and the animation was crap, but those backgrounds were cool!" when it comes to animated films. <br />
<br />
Which is why I'm writing this. Because, even though I'm not saying any of these movies are any good, I do want to point out that there's at least some talent to be had in the production. Even if it involves a portion of the film that doesn't really count in the long run.<br />
<br />
That being said, let's dive into...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Five Bad Cartoons with Awesome Locations</b><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue</b></span><br />
<br />
Well, I'm off to a good start. This movie better let you know that I'm being serious when I mean "bad cartoons".<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUjiuSwY50jmSv77Wn3HeCiuRANsdgqVmZBR6lVZRqXfZuLsOe-YSKM_7OqR9V0hJkkiUrMiaqT28BnII8Aj0LF46AAJGuoB0XboXcl8SGzsd7ycIq8de_gj5YAZDBORYUlhcS-C-YXMY/s1600/secretofnimh2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUjiuSwY50jmSv77Wn3HeCiuRANsdgqVmZBR6lVZRqXfZuLsOe-YSKM_7OqR9V0hJkkiUrMiaqT28BnII8Aj0LF46AAJGuoB0XboXcl8SGzsd7ycIq8de_gj5YAZDBORYUlhcS-C-YXMY/s400/secretofnimh2.jpg" width="276" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gotta love the troll face on the main lead.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>A movie that seems only to exist to be one of the biggest punchlines for how terrible direct-to-video sequels are, Secret of Nimh 2: Timmy to the Rescue is a story of how a character that only got one line in the previous film suddenly has a prophecy tied to his life that somehow involves talking catapillars, strangely buff cats with odd haircuts, and a mad scientist mouse with the voice of Eric Idle.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Why this is considered a bad cartoon </b> <br />
Even if you don't already hate it, a quick google search of "Secret of NIMH 2" will quickly inform you of the massive hatebase this movie has. There's also a Nostalgic Critic review (because if I'm going to talk about bad films, he's going to have to come up sooner or later) and, before it was made, the most was the most requested film in his roster. Think about what that means. One of the most famous video-bloggers on the web, and his massive fandom was baying for him to tear this movie a new asshole. <br />
<br />
Hell, I couldn't really find the art for the box without wading through a lot of anti-Secret of NIMH 2 pictures.<br />
<br />
Plus, you know, it's a cash-in sequel to one of the most visually stunning animated films of all time. It's almost as bad as if Disney made a sequel to Hunchback of Notre Dame with some sort of boring love interest and a lame villain and that totally happened didn't it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The Awesome Location</b> <br />
NIMH. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1vMSY65HI-ikBCUt5ol-zbUyPxw472f10rXQ3_pqR7eetVu1oxlfAd4Qqfn-yzTUPMSeKP2PqoAct-xm0IwucHfljUoL8ccPaqAesUjr8zIonAzp9HgTuXNZEmqzDEpqZLr2icHRxHY4/s1600/secretofnimh2science2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1vMSY65HI-ikBCUt5ol-zbUyPxw472f10rXQ3_pqR7eetVu1oxlfAd4Qqfn-yzTUPMSeKP2PqoAct-xm0IwucHfljUoL8ccPaqAesUjr8zIonAzp9HgTuXNZEmqzDEpqZLr2icHRxHY4/s400/secretofnimh2science2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgRt6AlwVEVQNSTIgWpKEgMi7RtXCW_TrwSSTmiCGBHk2TfXTZueMuYpl7mDoDeCBSwBwOCmb_8T0ldpRlBQvKVOGzu16vju8YVXR_JcElD7ss-15pzdlkXZJb6pjkq9HSJAPZ1K0Pv-g/s1600/secretofnimh2science3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgRt6AlwVEVQNSTIgWpKEgMi7RtXCW_TrwSSTmiCGBHk2TfXTZueMuYpl7mDoDeCBSwBwOCmb_8T0ldpRlBQvKVOGzu16vju8YVXR_JcElD7ss-15pzdlkXZJb6pjkq9HSJAPZ1K0Pv-g/s400/secretofnimh2science3.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like how the scientists couldn't decide which castle design to use on their laboratory so they just used them all.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>What many people don't like to come to grips about when they talk about this film in particular is the fact that, when you get right down to it, it did have actual <i>talent</i> put into it. While the animation is horrible compared to the Don Bluth masterpiece, it's actually a lot better than a lot of the Disney direct-to-video sequels. And that's especially at play when they head into the evil science facility that was hyped to hell in both films, NIMH. <br />
<br />
When watching this film, I always got the feeling that if they divorced this film from the Secret of NIMH franchise, threw out all of that nonsense about the prophecy, and just made their own damn film about an unrelated mouse society in a valley being threatened by evil scientists and the leader of the scientists was the main character's brother (spoilers), this film would've been seen for what it is; a harmless mouse-filled romp meant for little kids. Oh it's not <i>good</i>, I'm not implying that. It's pretty mediocre by animation standards. It's just that the main thing that makes it bad it's a sequel to one of the best animated films ever made and it makes absolutely no sense as a sequel either. <br />
<br />
But mostly I'm saying this because I wish this building was in a better movie. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3ApoGcpWDIh3NEvEgkElJebaebRLzy2oAsS4Z8nm5mudw6aJF2WI_bHa8283knc1ee6IiLdmGVy24WQR5HSLIaBR8CZuJSh-J28TKNS5uMldY-c76p4nIeRRsWlmsoYnYZtqiBRfA3oQ/s1600/secretofnimh2science7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3ApoGcpWDIh3NEvEgkElJebaebRLzy2oAsS4Z8nm5mudw6aJF2WI_bHa8283knc1ee6IiLdmGVy24WQR5HSLIaBR8CZuJSh-J28TKNS5uMldY-c76p4nIeRRsWlmsoYnYZtqiBRfA3oQ/s400/secretofnimh2science7.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evil research facilities. My one weakness.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The first half of the film is largely forgettable. Thorn Valley and the forest are both alright, but not very spectacular. The money was completely thrown towards the second half of the film and its dark, gritty, futuristic science facility of mass evil. Even before we actually see the National Institute of Mental Health as a whole, you know that there's going to be something massive going down when you see the buildings surrounding this thing. I'm not sure why all of the tallest buildings in that city are clustered around NIMH like a giant animal cage and what kind of building permits you would need to pull that off, but you have to admit it's pretty badass-looking, especially when you get a bird's eye view of the place and see the sickly green glow of the research facility reflecting out of the pits of hell like the eye of a cosmic horror.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWR6VDfxH1bHUEPR8zGoaKfqqUB6YLDxteoxRyhBCeKtzMZqHvq9KM82oIgbPco7xA-BsLTjQIp3sptqXjM_0UEdu9ViyfFgcamVsE60DMcT4fWr2ontB_ei6x4FzbDKbCjBwb5Vfmu5A/s1600/secretofnimh2science.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWR6VDfxH1bHUEPR8zGoaKfqqUB6YLDxteoxRyhBCeKtzMZqHvq9KM82oIgbPco7xA-BsLTjQIp3sptqXjM_0UEdu9ViyfFgcamVsE60DMcT4fWr2ontB_ei6x4FzbDKbCjBwb5Vfmu5A/s320/secretofnimh2science.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8QvY3nyGavdI6sDDH1GEa-SOp6SRrwAObxj5_RMGXYtJg2Q02uVhHS26QkvlvW9wXS5_aF9UTru80czaT_vTORNoz_bHjW8-wmB4irrX5jwCAJSr-_OlibQ4D6ili1CuqLftjjwRjP00/s1600/secretofnimh2science1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8QvY3nyGavdI6sDDH1GEa-SOp6SRrwAObxj5_RMGXYtJg2Q02uVhHS26QkvlvW9wXS5_aF9UTru80czaT_vTORNoz_bHjW8-wmB4irrX5jwCAJSr-_OlibQ4D6ili1CuqLftjjwRjP00/s320/secretofnimh2science1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Subtle.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, like all evil mad science labs, there are rooms that have twisted, horrible experiments happening within, like a room dedicated to taking NIMH's former employees and replacing their minds with that of a dog....<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDcmH_qkwfNorigJZp7FifSKwmEgqi7IE-IKTWEio6kXrUpIT1H9_cwUZumbSZYsXPoJcu0NLz1znkBNihlILc4XbPlwGapbF0RPIUIgkR_TvUiGqZYWSlckg61Z_CyWpPRH-2l0jZtOE/s1600/secretofnimh2science5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDcmH_qkwfNorigJZp7FifSKwmEgqi7IE-IKTWEio6kXrUpIT1H9_cwUZumbSZYsXPoJcu0NLz1znkBNihlILc4XbPlwGapbF0RPIUIgkR_TvUiGqZYWSlckg61Z_CyWpPRH-2l0jZtOE/s320/secretofnimh2science5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They totally should've made a film about the scientists who came to work one day and got their brains horrendously altered by a crazy lab mouse instead of, you know, focusing on Timmy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>...a room filled with the preserved corpses of worms for no other reason than to look creepy.... <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEXVAyi5Kko7zKMJTWM4pgZK3oMF8hv4oaXcMpawde3CHPhOTaZTkRXdoufJfu83kqvnHG_b7NStGYMlPdGPyvTLbfNLzR42VNUxnPmOJp1AGAeGJ-PgKs_7NRAIeTQgrC9PWXqWJi5bQ/s1600/secretofnimh2science4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEXVAyi5Kko7zKMJTWM4pgZK3oMF8hv4oaXcMpawde3CHPhOTaZTkRXdoufJfu83kqvnHG_b7NStGYMlPdGPyvTLbfNLzR42VNUxnPmOJp1AGAeGJ-PgKs_7NRAIeTQgrC9PWXqWJi5bQ/s320/secretofnimh2science4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I guess sticking mealworms in jars full of glowing green goo counts as research."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>...and this...weird fish experiment that flashes during the villain song and seems to only exist to break my mind.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaIGR3ogmPO_27x0MacOr__fFatDp7GiZZqlZLclmrUfqz61XcslG77RjZi2E1r5L49IjHwqG7v4MzceJnJFrvK5FV6fIzyIxnfFf59WTJimzgm7MLIn0sI9oq0QFFVennudKP7nXyBI4/s1600/secretofnimh2science8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaIGR3ogmPO_27x0MacOr__fFatDp7GiZZqlZLclmrUfqz61XcslG77RjZi2E1r5L49IjHwqG7v4MzceJnJFrvK5FV6fIzyIxnfFf59WTJimzgm7MLIn0sI9oq0QFFVennudKP7nXyBI4/s320/secretofnimh2science8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For science!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I realize this place isn't the most subtlest of research facilities (and fans of the original movie and the books hated what they did to NIMH and the fact that NIMH is basically now Evil McEvil Lab of Darkness and Depravity), but if you gotta go all-out, go all-out. And you gotta love the results. <br />
<br />
Even if the place looks like it needs one hell of a janitor to get it back up to health regulations. Seriously, how could the scientists stand working in a place with such green lighting and such grime?<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDOarIx-zko8HA5t_imh1POcD5PXR1XhKdOkILA4BblD3Lx4Sfpwm320wZnKTJumiJ5eAUGZovYtNMHmDSY61Jd39NKDqpdkdWt2PUoVNNHsepdGo-_UA9rKiPvtR6nqX7qRmgXTCiDrU/s1600/secretofnimh2science6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDOarIx-zko8HA5t_imh1POcD5PXR1XhKdOkILA4BblD3Lx4Sfpwm320wZnKTJumiJ5eAUGZovYtNMHmDSY61Jd39NKDqpdkdWt2PUoVNNHsepdGo-_UA9rKiPvtR6nqX7qRmgXTCiDrU/s320/secretofnimh2science6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Arkham Asylum for mice.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Just, a movie with Eric Idle as an evil mouse doesn't need to be in the same film continuity as The Secret of NIMH. <br />
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<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>2. Robots</b></span><b> </b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW017fmiOBuAjBNFActxwFMvFXc55c3FUUvujRxYTQnAdR5OPdFQcdVCm8GE4_LeKPbf5wtJYmuQh3G9HQ9TMzEenNSatFFeKycLwX164aI-xmy8uuXgwkP1GNyJop7MrsIZ-34hupASI/s1600/RobotsPoster.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW017fmiOBuAjBNFActxwFMvFXc55c3FUUvujRxYTQnAdR5OPdFQcdVCm8GE4_LeKPbf5wtJYmuQh3G9HQ9TMzEenNSatFFeKycLwX164aI-xmy8uuXgwkP1GNyJop7MrsIZ-34hupASI/s320/RobotsPoster.jpg" width="216" /></a></div><br />
Before anyone cries foul, this is the best cartoon on the list by far. <br />
<br />
During the early 2000's, thanks to the success of Pixar, CGI basically took over the animation movie industry, leaving 2D animators to weep bitter tears of regret and slit their wrists, and movie after movie was released, coercing movie-goers to go see them just because they were CGI. This was one of those films. Created by Blue Sky Studios, Robots is one of the few films from that studio that isn't an Ice Age film. As you can guess from the title, it was about robots, and they had to fight the evil robots to save the robot city and all of the nice robots that lived within the city. <br />
<br />
And, of course, it had an all-star cast, because in the early 2000's, you couldn't make a CGI film without having instantly recognizable celebrities doing the voice-acting.<br />
<b><br />
<br />
Why this is considered a bad cartoon </b> <br />
Even though it got a 64% on Rotten Tomatoes, you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who remembers this movie nowadays. It's not Secret of NIMH 2 bad. It just doesn't do much to break free from the masses of other CGI films and, personally, a lot better films have come out since then. Plus you have to factor in that out of all of Blue Sky's films, this one probably made the least amount of money.<br />
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<br />
<b>The Awesome Location</b> <br />
The robot city, helpfully named Robot City. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRm8oBtQSb6ZBQUKyEi8zW61y21vulxcKsTdPFphdOXya2Koiv0u_nodS3tKlOTOf_R4Vg83Y7IJzDKfZUotH4Dll69_RZuSKKWEZfNlrZpGoKjZ6KcY_pDNmp8wEVA1U7LGb1POYvf8M/s1600/robotscity.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRm8oBtQSb6ZBQUKyEi8zW61y21vulxcKsTdPFphdOXya2Koiv0u_nodS3tKlOTOf_R4Vg83Y7IJzDKfZUotH4Dll69_RZuSKKWEZfNlrZpGoKjZ6KcY_pDNmp8wEVA1U7LGb1POYvf8M/s400/robotscity.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wonder if there's a People City somewhere on Earth...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Okay, let's be honest with ourselves. The plot is forgettable. The character models are, while inventive at times, by and large mostly on the creepy scale of things. But this city? I have yet to see a futuristic robot city in a CGI movie that has topped this place yet and it makes me sad. <br />
<br />
I think even this movie realizes that the viewers are more interested in the way this robot city works instead of the plight of the blue robot and the robot industry at stake, because there are entire scenes where the focus is taken away from the main characters and instead shows us this place's majesty. Hell, the trailer is basically "Look at this city. This city is awesome." and who can blame it?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTYUbdGYy7sG3qBjuQ6GoxQgXTNISDEf21dUV0vFWcCIhyphenhyphenPRz_LINOIfDmBuOtl6XwC-mpi91Hss-qFDw5G_BS2Ud1w7hxbWBGR-qj95eIryYqFu7JyPWwE8Xjimy_bbZykDJ7EL-UArg/s1600/robotscity1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="159" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTYUbdGYy7sG3qBjuQ6GoxQgXTNISDEf21dUV0vFWcCIhyphenhyphenPRz_LINOIfDmBuOtl6XwC-mpi91Hss-qFDw5G_BS2Ud1w7hxbWBGR-qj95eIryYqFu7JyPWwE8Xjimy_bbZykDJ7EL-UArg/s320/robotscity1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijwCZA0nhMcZCxsJWBn0FSht8qOHiIl7d43By0PsEjAgrzC_nMdKYN4-LyXBkk_kdbzDEABWmika00gtnPcS3v8NQdx7ZM-9j0BeyeKTd-9-WQfEjHMgVH0H-tTfC06ZOQPR7A0vmrrMc/s1600/robotscity2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="158" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijwCZA0nhMcZCxsJWBn0FSht8qOHiIl7d43By0PsEjAgrzC_nMdKYN4-LyXBkk_kdbzDEABWmika00gtnPcS3v8NQdx7ZM-9j0BeyeKTd-9-WQfEjHMgVH0H-tTfC06ZOQPR7A0vmrrMc/s320/robotscity2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wait, does this movie actually have protagonists?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Words cannot describe how much I love this city. For all intents and purposes, this movie does use the city well and really fleshes this place out. It's just that we run into the problem that this city takes place in Robots, a movie that most people only remember because it has Robin Williams in it.<br />
<br />
But the best part has to be the fact that this city is actually built in layers, and every layer of the city is special in its own way. There's a high end district (which, according to Wikipedia, is called "High End District") where the rich robots live and where the factory lies, a chop shop bottom district where robots go to die, and a middle district for kind of the poorer to middle class robots.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMR9KZk7lDByMdOTYLfmdgmn4x4ZLZnYIUJTpDKAh-EGKjiV3PYVYu7uG5C5YJUWkynMNOFfKMYBR04OjAhm4E0dtxTvkgDUAbu8AEonNNwUbJLJK7tyeLkKtUK7LuIv40zCc84kSZiy8/s1600/robotscity3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMR9KZk7lDByMdOTYLfmdgmn4x4ZLZnYIUJTpDKAh-EGKjiV3PYVYu7uG5C5YJUWkynMNOFfKMYBR04OjAhm4E0dtxTvkgDUAbu8AEonNNwUbJLJK7tyeLkKtUK7LuIv40zCc84kSZiy8/s320/robotscity3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilzOm12KjLySHNfGOVgF0yDifGfJMZZSAejI6PJCwsVSajOWfO2iFhcUxlXjHPq7-EF6CFH0u98aALHHFCpviDFfoLa-3r5APsMaQjpy4-GNh1Xvm1HPg0D-fmG_SDR-IA5OoP_jqeE0w/s1600/robotscity4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilzOm12KjLySHNfGOVgF0yDifGfJMZZSAejI6PJCwsVSajOWfO2iFhcUxlXjHPq7-EF6CFH0u98aALHHFCpviDFfoLa-3r5APsMaQjpy4-GNh1Xvm1HPg0D-fmG_SDR-IA5OoP_jqeE0w/s320/robotscity4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
...and they had to go ruin it all by having a character called Aunt Fanny, aka "Butt and fart jokes, everybody! They're still funny, right?". Stay classy, Blue Sky Studios.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. Dragon Flyz</b></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3sdTPpus0QWjRzGSnPGf8VLaIgYEHDcpXiHWWbF9c0KrfAMLIbNy_mwGMAdn1HOlrfHSg9ZkhiJXYxon6wWQlrusJ5lmi_qy5hfdfl8Az6KeMkr2IAe-yl-MRdfNzA0OxtOT1U4K97AA/s1600/Dragon_Flyz_logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3sdTPpus0QWjRzGSnPGf8VLaIgYEHDcpXiHWWbF9c0KrfAMLIbNy_mwGMAdn1HOlrfHSg9ZkhiJXYxon6wWQlrusJ5lmi_qy5hfdfl8Az6KeMkr2IAe-yl-MRdfNzA0OxtOT1U4K97AA/s400/Dragon_Flyz_logo.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
If you're going "Huh?", I honestly don't blame you. <br />
<br />
After the Earth is destroyed by a nuclear cataclysm, the last remnants of humanity are on a floating island city called Airlandus, where they befriend dragons and fight the hideous mutants on the surface in order to collect crystals that can keep Airlandus afloat while they search for habitable land on the surface. <br />
<br />
Oh, and it was a cartoon meant to advertise the male version of sky dancers. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAyduQAgVPPEKnuTYRdbHcs0eMeDmXSSHUgamPc0YtyEz58joWWIwYvzGQkcil2DrbMFiodRQrb4QaKthomTlUd0Ut-qkw-bR01mrCjBNXKOpG6MLI3jyVLXssWHCh69JQP7hMtEJ84pw/s1600/dragonflyztoy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAyduQAgVPPEKnuTYRdbHcs0eMeDmXSSHUgamPc0YtyEz58joWWIwYvzGQkcil2DrbMFiodRQrb4QaKthomTlUd0Ut-qkw-bR01mrCjBNXKOpG6MLI3jyVLXssWHCh69JQP7hMtEJ84pw/s400/dragonflyztoy.jpg" width="281" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oddly, the Sky Dancers managed to have more dignity. </td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<b>Why this is considered a bad cartoon </b> <br />
Not so much "bad" as it is forgotten, painfully cheesy, and painfully 90's. It's a cartoon meant to sell toys to young boys and the writing is well-aware of that so it never tries to be anything better. Because of this, not many people remember this series and it's since sunk into obscurity. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The Awesome Location</b> <br />
EVERYTHING <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxWCkyAQpCIgYWUJFJzP7oj7_C9IMO_3OENPe089VYeBA5xb_sXtVRcgJ3xPQFiDyerTuoyrcyxhZwMd3Htn24GE982alMZOcwoCylDe6PmDTDZKfa6X0_veMkpAd3Ow5yiUWAnk2adk0/s1600/dragonflyz1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxWCkyAQpCIgYWUJFJzP7oj7_C9IMO_3OENPe089VYeBA5xb_sXtVRcgJ3xPQFiDyerTuoyrcyxhZwMd3Htn24GE982alMZOcwoCylDe6PmDTDZKfa6X0_veMkpAd3Ow5yiUWAnk2adk0/s320/dragonflyz1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aw<i> yeah.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>This is a weird cartoon. It's probably the only time I've watched an animated show and thought that the visuals were not only better than the story, but way, way, <b>WAY</b> better than the story. Dragon Flyz is your average post-apocalyptic "group of teenaged superheroes with attitude have to protect their land from some evil jerk and his mutated army" with some air puns thrown in for good measure, and I guess it does its job well, but oh man, the backgrounds. Look at these backgrounds. I like to call this cartoon "Eye Candy" instead of Dragon Flyz because the art direction is sheer win coated with a thin layer of awesome sauce. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZAZNxXLE1lePmJhGbpI-bjrxZabVnAkr5SDLbFt1Vg6iMwZUkI71y5y6-FD2qKmJJg971_yMdb04WyqYzjvjVJQC4t6WFppQ0ejgmOYgL4k1HuJQvncokJcPYcQNcUDOy4jRgvT84aNc/s1600/dragonflyz5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZAZNxXLE1lePmJhGbpI-bjrxZabVnAkr5SDLbFt1Vg6iMwZUkI71y5y6-FD2qKmJJg971_yMdb04WyqYzjvjVJQC4t6WFppQ0ejgmOYgL4k1HuJQvncokJcPYcQNcUDOy4jRgvT84aNc/s320/dragonflyz5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can be honest when I say that I've seen animated films that didn't look this good.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Hell, even the quick "blink and you'll miss it" part of the intro where it shows the ruins of old Earth are amazing to look at. If you can make the apocalypse look pretty, then obviously you have talent.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJUPkZARczBsfMHPIuwL3ul2zx5BognvS7CyyB4pUnyMjv0XOejUhyphenhyphenF6wTkp514wxbiARRbtqE7Bj9rqI_FONksa-snNSsp8eh0j_aJ-Km57FkyyCHJ92HRsdga9veokddJvLzjSgm1N0/s1600/dragonflyz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJUPkZARczBsfMHPIuwL3ul2zx5BognvS7CyyB4pUnyMjv0XOejUhyphenhyphenF6wTkp514wxbiARRbtqE7Bj9rqI_FONksa-snNSsp8eh0j_aJ-Km57FkyyCHJ92HRsdga9veokddJvLzjSgm1N0/s320/dragonflyz.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then humanity was wiped out by a giant Windows Media Player effect.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Best part is, you have two different flavors to choose from. If you like clean, peaceful, air cities and state-of-the-art technology, Airlandus has plenty of that, from its golden buildings and its control towers, to its biospheres. Everything about this place screams "Good Guy Lair" and it certainly shows. I like to think that whenever a flying city appears in an RPG, they secretly ripped off of this show. It's that good.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9tGKQOxWbWpTKjIRSCDLFHlQqOnQwu7s9iWNkepNhl9YhROARxDv9bB7ry8K9HGM1GcL2bvGcSOAcwFD8CW6dEwP3MiUVrgwAGSBe-P-GxoVNsUYhjz9j-IycOusK9ml4w8VZH9FfCPc/s1600/dragonflyz3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9tGKQOxWbWpTKjIRSCDLFHlQqOnQwu7s9iWNkepNhl9YhROARxDv9bB7ry8K9HGM1GcL2bvGcSOAcwFD8CW6dEwP3MiUVrgwAGSBe-P-GxoVNsUYhjz9j-IycOusK9ml4w8VZH9FfCPc/s320/dragonflyz3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0yJyvsRNhKaXc1AeHW11YVWcqazDKZDWwLtcnTQAw2Ktl2I1CUtA3vadqL5fyiWDyf7vNJXq4Mmm0G4PkGQPws9OnL7IOCCircD2uXfgtMKzbYL0Unjo-sIOzrNNnsOs57yLJgYfh5XY/s1600/dragonflyz4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0yJyvsRNhKaXc1AeHW11YVWcqazDKZDWwLtcnTQAw2Ktl2I1CUtA3vadqL5fyiWDyf7vNJXq4Mmm0G4PkGQPws9OnL7IOCCircD2uXfgtMKzbYL0Unjo-sIOzrNNnsOs57yLJgYfh5XY/s320/dragonflyz4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSQJZb6UJgnhpNFF9E8fXps8rnM_6HXz-tqlVLRFl16IABLgqvYPWGTtkoXWz3_r-qMUxd_Al7uUEyJZKLk6BVWI_-PkqGqOgwsvLcHq_C8WlRfTpYZQds_cztvL-tORmatsT_WOqouaY/s1600/dragonflyz7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSQJZb6UJgnhpNFF9E8fXps8rnM_6HXz-tqlVLRFl16IABLgqvYPWGTtkoXWz3_r-qMUxd_Al7uUEyJZKLk6BVWI_-PkqGqOgwsvLcHq_C8WlRfTpYZQds_cztvL-tORmatsT_WOqouaY/s320/dragonflyz7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's probably not a good thing when I'm watching something and I'm thinking "Man, I wish these characters weren't around so I could stare at the backgrounds some more".</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Or if you like distopian wastelands from a previously destroyed Earth, this cartoon has that too. Considering the nuclear fallout really warped the planet, Earth is now a strange mixture of alien plants and rivers of lava. The crowning jewel of this wretched hive that used to be a place we called home has to be the bad guy's lair, which makes him look way more badass than he really is. Trust me on this. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp9LLf3jfYMgFTHZ2K-3eSZrZqm_mtB3ukJuChMf5O8LKWOXm5hAOCrjzzbNahr2Xq54WOfrN0VXuTkaTAy3J-2I8p0EsDXEbwUrKKWswA9_rXcV7jsiJU-bVflswh5LObbCJgFxIZQcM/s1600/dragonflyz2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp9LLf3jfYMgFTHZ2K-3eSZrZqm_mtB3ukJuChMf5O8LKWOXm5hAOCrjzzbNahr2Xq54WOfrN0VXuTkaTAy3J-2I8p0EsDXEbwUrKKWswA9_rXcV7jsiJU-bVflswh5LObbCJgFxIZQcM/s320/dragonflyz2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj77STLRlrMQVKQm7ADhK9CR-KyFF3pWb4VfgfwAw_0cROgq3MtWsINr-8hQzacDE9kCtJ2f_lTwzP1QghA0WFVzlQ7OvtxJ924alVRiabnDGYlOup0zik51TVmz7znle6X3QfuHyCPH5k/s1600/dragonflyz6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj77STLRlrMQVKQm7ADhK9CR-KyFF3pWb4VfgfwAw_0cROgq3MtWsINr-8hQzacDE9kCtJ2f_lTwzP1QghA0WFVzlQ7OvtxJ924alVRiabnDGYlOup0zik51TVmz7znle6X3QfuHyCPH5k/s320/dragonflyz6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The villain to watch if Bowser from Super Mario Brothers is too subdued and sophisticated for your liking.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Best part? I took all of these screens from <i>just the first episode</i>. There's two whole seasons and twenty-six whole episodes of these beautiful, beautiful locations. Now, you might be wondering. If the backgrounds look this good, then surely this entire show is just as good right? <br />
<br />
Well...no. The animation, while passable, is really stiff, the line delivery is atrocious most of the time, and the plots are pretty goofy. You're better off either watching this thing in mute because you will hate yourself after listening to some of this dialogue. <br />
<br />
Plus there's freaking airquakes in this show. <i>Airquakes</i>. I hate it when good talent such as this has to be buried in the sands of time due to the sheer ineptitude of everything else in the show's production.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b> 4. Felix the Cat: The Movie</b></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z82hAWJKgjA/TjG4HFmF5rI/AAAAAAAAAWE/UWKD--NyMe4/s1600/Felix_the_cat_the_movie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z82hAWJKgjA/TjG4HFmF5rI/AAAAAAAAAWE/UWKD--NyMe4/s400/Felix_the_cat_the_movie.jpg" width="255" /></a></div><br />
Yeah, if you didn't expect this movie to appear on the list, then you haven't been reading this blog for very long. I've already gone through extensive lengths to talk about this film already, but let's just say that it earns its reputation for not making a lick of sense.<br />
<br />
Might as well add a plot overview just for completion's sake. Felix the Cat gets sucked into another dimension and has to save a whiny princess from an evil space lizard's circus and then throw a book at some inept cyborg's robot in order to save the Kingdom of Oriana. The End.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Why this is considered a bad cartoon </b><br />
Nostalgic Critic did a review on it, the movie performed horribly at the box office, the Felix the Cat franchise doesn't like to mention this film save for a historical footnote, and I myself did four separate blog posts on just how many things are wrong with this film.<br />
<br />
Plus all you have to do to realize it was a bad movie is just look at the animation.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_OHOh16jY58/Tl8o9HiuhqI/AAAAAAAABBg/BPvfBb_6h8I/s1600/felix.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="202" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_OHOh16jY58/Tl8o9HiuhqI/AAAAAAAABBg/BPvfBb_6h8I/s320/felix.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Yeah, this movie really isn't winning any favors with cartoon historians. <br />
<b><br />
<br />
The Awesome Location</b><br />
Progress City<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QnZ_dznM4Jk/Tk23Kt9f0pI/AAAAAAAAA0A/DQ4W2flOmpM/s1600/Felix12.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="260" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QnZ_dznM4Jk/Tk23Kt9f0pI/AAAAAAAAA0A/DQ4W2flOmpM/s400/Felix12.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
No matter how terrible the animation of this cartoon can get, I can't bring myself to hate Progress City. Progress City is just way too awesome of a place. I'm still sticking with my opinion that if Progress City and the surrounding swampland was where they end up fighting The Duke of Zill, this movie would've been a lot more coherent. Considering the place is one of the better hellholes I've seen in a film, it just reads more like evil villain territory than the crystal-covered paradise that Oriana becomes. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jZU6kV09Tl8/TmBb-lJwZeI/AAAAAAAABCo/rSKGe3BbFYo/s1600/felix19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="257" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jZU6kV09Tl8/TmBb-lJwZeI/AAAAAAAABCo/rSKGe3BbFYo/s400/felix19.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wanna see how the hideous mutants of The Land of Zill actually get into these buildings.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Really, this is truly one of the better hellholes I've seen in a cartoon. I mean, it contains both a really terrible swamp and a circus of all things. And the circus, despite having some of the worst animation in the entire movie, is really inventive. They probably focus too much time on it as opposed to the rest of the city, but I always assumed that, thanks to the Duke of Zill, Progress City's landmarks have all fallen to ruin save for the circus run by a creature that the Duke himself placed in that seat of power.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GWwJUrBAJBM/TjjhOTgFmbI/AAAAAAAAAeE/_WXQal9VqLE/s1600/felix5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="262" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GWwJUrBAJBM/TjjhOTgFmbI/AAAAAAAAAeE/_WXQal9VqLE/s400/felix5.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2zFkfU12kw4/Tk2prDr9S2I/AAAAAAAAAzo/cDS7CvElJyk/s1600/Felix6.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="258" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2zFkfU12kw4/Tk2prDr9S2I/AAAAAAAAAzo/cDS7CvElJyk/s400/Felix6.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
Anything else I say about this movie will be just me repeating myself though. Let's just say that, had this film had a budget, Progress City could've been something fantastic.<br />
<br />
<b><br />
Honorable Mention</b> <br />
The Hair Forest <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fiQkZnejzmA/TmBrowrREQI/AAAAAAAABDM/M4fs7BLz4zM/s1600/felix28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="260" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fiQkZnejzmA/TmBrowrREQI/AAAAAAAABDM/M4fs7BLz4zM/s400/felix28.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Nightmares.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I've also already talked about the hair forest in massive detail already. I'm just mentioning it here because it's the closest that you get the feeling that the dimension of Oriana is a horrifying and a surreal place to live in. The beginning of the film, Felix warns that some of the creatures in Oriana are pretty strange. Can't get any stranger than a bunch of disembodied red heads with wings flying around, taking people's heads.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
<b>5. A Troll in Central Park</b></span><b><br />
</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiERoMdOokAyU_Y8ihUvwu5XSHoIxM_DCP8AA0Q1y3xYZhIUkIyUhTJZ1gV1TmgfELuNI8atmgPDJ2YInrxNNJs9cdOoOeY23P0y25v-DsnSMhkpaF7-74AKZxjp66Seig2Pq9pGPaVu88/s1600/atrollincentralpark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiERoMdOokAyU_Y8ihUvwu5XSHoIxM_DCP8AA0Q1y3xYZhIUkIyUhTJZ1gV1TmgfELuNI8atmgPDJ2YInrxNNJs9cdOoOeY23P0y25v-DsnSMhkpaF7-74AKZxjp66Seig2Pq9pGPaVu88/s400/atrollincentralpark.jpg" width="273" /></a></div><br />
A troll voiced by Dom DeLuise ends up in Central Park. Whimsical, cute things happen. <br />
<br />
And it became one of the lowest grossing films ever to be released by a major studio.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Why this is considered a bad cartoon </b><br />
Ignoring the fact that it did terribly at the box office, talk to a Don Bluth fan. Any Don Bluth fan. It's widely regarded as the worst Don Bluth film ever, no one really has anything nice to say about this film. Plus, Nostalgic Critic review. <b> </b><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The Awesome Location</b><br />
The woefully underutilized troll world. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0cCwlEeqV64dZjPI_uJ1Q-FWeIq-NOag9rbB8FsJ6hCXviT16nvNHX44194MczXPWnYRbkK85_co-8AGOaD6cSBVhcodKwfZWJL_Lf6qoh98Du-jQSwQ_R4j7ZArzkG_joPCuXCkOWjg/s1600/trollworld.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0cCwlEeqV64dZjPI_uJ1Q-FWeIq-NOag9rbB8FsJ6hCXviT16nvNHX44194MczXPWnYRbkK85_co-8AGOaD6cSBVhcodKwfZWJL_Lf6qoh98Du-jQSwQ_R4j7ZArzkG_joPCuXCkOWjg/s400/trollworld.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Their kingdom motto is "U mad, bro?".</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Okay, a lot of things could've been done to save this film. Even I, someone who can't bring myself to hate this film, will admit that there are a ton of things wrong with it. <br />
<br />
To me, what would've helped is if they fleshed out the world that the trolls live in and if they just plain showed more of what was going on here. What little glimpses you see in both the "Queen of Mean" song sequence and the opening make this place appear to be a great little hellhole that we never get to really see. The houses rise like cold spires out of a mire-filled wasteland covered in mist, mutated dogs run rampant in the streets, and within the first couple of minutes in the film, we get to see the main character narrowly get eaten by an alligator. I kind of wanted to see what other creatures lived here. Hell, why not just set the whole movie here and name it something else? I want to see a good troll movie, damnit. Is that so hard to ask?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnGyyEeiwzqQOqHiePqazb1Li-U04-OQdAs28zN34crZNjqaewqcXGXPTtMBH3NOlRidRb_wKXBy-nzF4goCrWP-7gkvgEQBgISPSvuAUtDsrNi31UwSr5AHGYdHmFVfqLlRfWTUAsAs0/s1600/trollworld1.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnGyyEeiwzqQOqHiePqazb1Li-U04-OQdAs28zN34crZNjqaewqcXGXPTtMBH3NOlRidRb_wKXBy-nzF4goCrWP-7gkvgEQBgISPSvuAUtDsrNi31UwSr5AHGYdHmFVfqLlRfWTUAsAs0/s400/trollworld1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
I kind of wish we got to see more of the troll society as a whole too. Stanley, the main character, really hates living here, but we never get a good explanation why. I want to know why he's such a good troll compared to the rest of the trolls.<br />
<br />
Oh, and look closely at the pillars of the Troll Queen's palace, especially since we see them after we hear a giant song where she tells us that she turns the people who stand in her way into stone. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSlXcsrIaf8K1RZ9-94X5cAsfb2-vUgfWsDc-EGBozESlVN_2wZXCh5M0SvMUH27THFeul35Kv5Z3eGP47A4oTPML0aiYwzErKGImphwE44jtTEhQ7vUXefqAltN8Zd1XxnE9wqUBLrPo/s1600/trollworld2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSlXcsrIaf8K1RZ9-94X5cAsfb2-vUgfWsDc-EGBozESlVN_2wZXCh5M0SvMUH27THFeul35Kv5Z3eGP47A4oTPML0aiYwzErKGImphwE44jtTEhQ7vUXefqAltN8Zd1XxnE9wqUBLrPo/s400/trollworld2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"HUZZAH!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table><i>Holy crap</i>. They're made of the remains of trolls she turned into stone! That's so cool!<br />
<br />
...why didn't they elaborate on that and instead focus on the singing troll and his weird talking flowers?<br />
<br />
Ugh. This is so on the list because of how utterly frustrating it is to see this really cool place and then quickly go to singing flowers underneath Central Park. Goddamnit, Don Bluth. A movie about a troll that hates his own species and tries to lead a coup against its oppressive queen using the powers of nature verus the queen's ability to control rock and steel would've been an awesome film!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Honorable Mention</b><br />
Central Park after the tornado hits.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNGgvGipLhyphenhyphen0qtW21l9tyG70KsmphpkOpGJluJiNjeoOGZ_pPZMDQWecgWQELvuCgbS68jjlNqA_ztboZA7BTRC2tp-459amh8to97WbMesKxZzq-uNL4Aq06wgq2d5nbZ7loTBK4zLzM/s1600/trollworld4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNGgvGipLhyphenhyphen0qtW21l9tyG70KsmphpkOpGJluJiNjeoOGZ_pPZMDQWecgWQELvuCgbS68jjlNqA_ztboZA7BTRC2tp-459amh8to97WbMesKxZzq-uNL4Aq06wgq2d5nbZ7loTBK4zLzM/s400/trollworld4.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One does not simply walk into Central Park.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>A Troll in Central Park is many things for most of the movie. Cutesy, filled with too many annoying scenes, bland. But then the third act happens and all of that changes. Apparently all it takes is a magic tornado to turn Central Park into a twisted, abandoned wasteland filled with threatening plantlife. It makes absolutely no sense that the very landscape is shaped by this strange tornado that the entire city doesn't really care about, but since this is a list devoted entirely to eye candy in bad films, I'm allowing this. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip5UjQ_PtzoFsgIkgykBWjH01F-WGTpJDb95boBRGsjwhoakPMFNbOGd4QE1KQfevcUNVcrVHnoJTXnBCIqwH-a5NrCdl3S8zLMaUz4nkDvLw4BCNX72ASc0-8TxCh7rOzEO8kZOzBoe0/s1600/trollworld3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip5UjQ_PtzoFsgIkgykBWjH01F-WGTpJDb95boBRGsjwhoakPMFNbOGd4QE1KQfevcUNVcrVHnoJTXnBCIqwH-a5NrCdl3S8zLMaUz4nkDvLw4BCNX72ASc0-8TxCh7rOzEO8kZOzBoe0/s400/trollworld3.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Finally, an accurate depiction of Central Park in a movie.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Considering most of the film is about Stanley showing the audience how awesome plants are, it's kind of cool to see that turned on its head for the opening climax and having the kids be surrounded in trees that look downright menacing, a completely different tone from the bright and colorful adventures that were taking place underneath a Central Park bridge for most of this time.<br />
<br />
...wait. Bridge. Troll. I've been watching this movie for most of my life and I just now got the connection.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAyQSFBmCIv4nc_2vTIKd1TUz_fUePvB1l21EOZR2DvBXcLF9yiFSY0eXe0B70HSAYRrUwZpYn3Mx4ijaR1IKVHJzJuocP1kxBMWR9l_sCa9mGTie2cSzYXz7qYjETVJ9kF9zM3U1toVo/s1600/trollworld5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAyQSFBmCIv4nc_2vTIKd1TUz_fUePvB1l21EOZR2DvBXcLF9yiFSY0eXe0B70HSAYRrUwZpYn3Mx4ijaR1IKVHJzJuocP1kxBMWR9l_sCa9mGTie2cSzYXz7qYjETVJ9kF9zM3U1toVo/s400/trollworld5.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhWB-OyZr7tQR73uA8_anAFke-q6lypogbB9NMn8OavDjqhO_hxJU_3zmo7MiAkPKyrQDBQWJj03AGLPcA-WgG_GHrr6wUuBVIfwF1xp7gJAyRhin3cnfsTSCCIbt1NaCnNrAY6GvYT1o/s1600/trollworld6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhWB-OyZr7tQR73uA8_anAFke-q6lypogbB9NMn8OavDjqhO_hxJU_3zmo7MiAkPKyrQDBQWJj03AGLPcA-WgG_GHrr6wUuBVIfwF1xp7gJAyRhin3cnfsTSCCIbt1NaCnNrAY6GvYT1o/s400/trollworld6.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You know, I totally would watch a movie that was about this kid and his younger sister stranded <br />
in this horrifying wasteland and they had to find their way home.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And Central Park even has a medieval castle for the climax to take place in. How useful. <br />
<br />
Really, it's kind of sad how all of these screens I've posted for A Troll in Central Park set a completely different tone from the actual movie. Trust me, it's a lot more cutesy than this. There's just certain pockets of badassery trapped within the cheerful whimsy.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6RqVOScm7eWnHiI10VLnVwMAQcgsCO6GxFBEmf3ypRC3zErGcuVyKJ8s1iNlAHTvTYgRC23Hi5B2ywwPFjPyJHxnMagk_YAUbm4Gc35jNuqfunnOhmfRH8qVm0Dn0S87tI-sJhoNQVww/s1600/trollworld7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6RqVOScm7eWnHiI10VLnVwMAQcgsCO6GxFBEmf3ypRC3zErGcuVyKJ8s1iNlAHTvTYgRC23Hi5B2ywwPFjPyJHxnMagk_YAUbm4Gc35jNuqfunnOhmfRH8qVm0Dn0S87tI-sJhoNQVww/s400/trollworld7.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although if the marketing used more clips from these scenes, it probably would've made a lot more money.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Does this excuse the many flaws in the writing? Of course not. But underneath its candy coating, A Troll in Central Park is still a Don Bluth film, and if Don Bluth has one talent, it's knowing how to create really dark things in animated films.<br />
<br />
Just dude. Troll world. Why isn't there a full movie on that?<br />
<br />
-------------<br />
<br />
And that was my list. Remember, even the worst of the worst films tend to have something redeemable about them, even if it's something as lowly as "hey, that one place they were at looked really cool". <br />
<br />
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hide in a bomb shelter now because I said something nice about Secret of NIMH 2 on the Internet.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-22041498441183995452012-01-14T13:50:00.003-08:002012-04-05T13:58:22.135-07:00The Wuzzles - Bulls of a FeatherThe 80's were a strange time to be alive. For solid proof on that, The Wuzzles. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTCz0wuI6TkNvITqrskUbB63UKVxxPQMCpyvOlNzhJVf8P8kv-PjUY49DRSMu11TkQ0IXJzF4iToaE1zzi3At5lYWvG2URp1iY1L9Zw_iBDM1yavG1J0L-7tFE5GX3ROdDcs_kIJVj40s/s1600/The_Wuzzles.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTCz0wuI6TkNvITqrskUbB63UKVxxPQMCpyvOlNzhJVf8P8kv-PjUY49DRSMu11TkQ0IXJzF4iToaE1zzi3At5lYWvG2URp1iY1L9Zw_iBDM1yavG1J0L-7tFE5GX3ROdDcs_kIJVj40s/s400/The_Wuzzles.PNG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
Ah, yes, The Wuzzles. If you needed a reason to believe that cartoon writers of this era were on some dangerous form of illegal drugs, this is it. <br />
<br />
Okay, chances are if you've seen a cartoon, you've run into a character that was half-something, half-the other, but The Wuzzles really brought that concept to a whole new level and made it popular. The whole mismatched hybrid Care Bear reject thing (a remember, back in the 80's, Care Bears were freaking huge) was their entire gimmick, and the kids loved them because who the hell wouldn't want to play with a rhino/monkey mutant? Several attempts at trying to use this hybridization in other shows has happened since The Wuzzles era (Crash Bandicoot and <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ACcTklsGlRY/TisZsoKghcI/AAAAAAAAANs/6f7IKYCcPdQ/s1600/Spliced1.jpg">Spliced</a>, for example, took the half-animal hybrids and tried to make them more science-based, and anyone familiar with WoW knows about the owlbears) but they couldn't quite get the level of cuteness that the Wuzzles had. Maybe it was the fact that, inexplicably, all the characters had tiny wings regardless of what animals were spliced. Or maybe it was the bright colors. Either way, The Wuzzles were something if not unique.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W_E627tYK6A/TwuzjzDPMLI/AAAAAAAAD1Y/ihrPW55rzWg/s1600/wuzzles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="252" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W_E627tYK6A/TwuzjzDPMLI/AAAAAAAAD1Y/ihrPW55rzWg/s320/wuzzles.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
That being said, this show is one of those weird, culture-defining shows that people mainly remember the concept but not so much the content. Tons of people remember The Wuzzles, I've found out, and tons of people remember this theme song. But strangely, if you turn to these same people who can recite the "two times the fun" lyric and ask if they remember any of the plots or any of the character personalities or just anything at all besides Wuzzles being, well, Wuzzles, suddenly their eyes will glaze over and act like you just blew their mind.<br />
<br />
Why is this show not as well-remembered as DuckTales or Gummi Bears, two shows around this same era? My theory is the fact that this show only lasted one season and thirteen episodes, giving it the unfortunate distinction of being the shortest lived Disney animated TV show. According to Wikipedia (unfortunately my primary source of research for obscure films because seriously, no one's going to write a textbook on these things), the reason for this is because Bill Scott, the voice of Moosel, had died while the second season was made, so they halted production and the show died with him, hence why most people only remember The Wuzzles because of the sweet toys. <br />
<br />
And what kind of show was left behind at the wake of his demise? Let's find out by looking at the very first episode of this ill-fated show by looking at...<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Bulls of a Feather</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zqRY_qEOKg0/TxIacrurpMI/AAAAAAAAD9o/D1eRZ-yOl44/s1600/wuzzles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zqRY_qEOKg0/TxIacrurpMI/AAAAAAAAD9o/D1eRZ-yOl44/s400/wuzzles.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><b>Airdate:</b> September 14, 1985 </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: red;">Online Only</span></div><br />
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<br />
Our show begins, rather helpfully, with a narrator saying "Welcome to the Land of Wuz" while introducing us to the strange, frightening concept of Wuzzles. To be honest, I was totally not expecting this episode to be well-aware of the fact that it's the first one of the series, so this introduction is kind of a neat touch, even if the narrator sounds about as excited for the Land of Wuzzles as I was excited for my in-class presentation on geysers. The show was trying to be clever by having one of those laid-back nature show-styled narrators, but now I can't help but get the mental image in my head that some poor shmuck is tied to a chair in some dark studio somewhere and is forced to talk about Wuzzles and their strange, human-like behavior or else he'll never see his wife and kids again.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BLKjzvAlBb0/TxIqmbKn2-I/AAAAAAAAD9w/RqGFfCUwxPo/s1600/wuzzles1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BLKjzvAlBb0/TxIqmbKn2-I/AAAAAAAAD9w/RqGFfCUwxPo/s320/wuzzles1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The population was decimated after the great Get Along Gang war of 1983 <br />
but I heard their economy is starting to pick up. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>With the first glimpse of Wuzzle society actually being quite advanced and almost like our own, already you can see that there's sort of a problem with this idea of having a nature documentary narrator talk about The Wuzzles. This gets worse when the first thing we see them do is try to have a picnic, and it's just awkward hearing some guy go "and here we have the basic Wuzzle picnic" as if we're watching Animal Planet and Moosel's about ready to fight Rhinokey to the death for mating privileges. <br />
<br />
And I said "try to have a picnic" with emphasis on "trying" here, because in the Land of Wuz, there exists a creature called a Flant which is half-fly, half-ant, and they're hazardous because they swarm over picnics and they're incredibly persistent. No offense, but isn't that just a swarm of flies? Don't those already exist? I don't know, I feel like this particular Wuzzle combo is kind of of a no-brainer when they could've done something outrageous like wildebeest/ants or fly/chihuahuas.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vJ-ADWC0pJo/TxIqm6ut3eI/AAAAAAAAD94/AY4O9qykJ6Q/s1600/wuzzles2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vJ-ADWC0pJo/TxIqm6ut3eI/AAAAAAAAD94/AY4O9qykJ6Q/s320/wuzzles2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TIFrRDpSHtM/TxIqnd_EjgI/AAAAAAAAD-A/Qe6Vmf6TSQ4/s1600/wuzzles3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TIFrRDpSHtM/TxIqnd_EjgI/AAAAAAAAD-A/Qe6Vmf6TSQ4/s320/wuzzles3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Both Wuzzles and old cartoon cliches make their home in The Land of Wuz.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This goes on for quite some time, longer than you would expect an "ants at a picnic" sight gag to last, because the animators wanted to illustrate the different personalities of the different Wuzzles and made sure that each of the main characters was equally inconvenienced by these strange insects. The flants don't just bug (no pun intended) one Wuzzle out of the bunch; they have to bug every last one, with each character getting his or her own unique scene. I guess it works considering this is the first episode, but by the time you get to Rhinokey, you just start to wonder when they're going to move on and get to the real plot.<br />
<br />
And, considering the level of damage they're depicting the flants causing, why did they even have a picnic again? If the flants are such a problem that they can eat your entire sandwich before it enters your mouth and it can hold a hippo/bunny at bay, then I'd much rather have lunch with my friends indoors or bring some bug spray. <br />
<br />
...why the hell didn't they bring bug spray? Bumblelion just has a fly swatter and anyone who's tried to use one of those knows they do absolutely nothing.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zZiFeq2ccOA/TxIqn-1suFI/AAAAAAAAD-I/o5dKyjQe0dc/s1600/wuzzles4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zZiFeq2ccOA/TxIqn-1suFI/AAAAAAAAD-I/o5dKyjQe0dc/s320/wuzzles4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vx5TjFhZ7Hs/TxIqocj979I/AAAAAAAAD-Q/svT7foKbVgs/s1600/wuzzles5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vx5TjFhZ7Hs/TxIqocj979I/AAAAAAAAD-Q/svT7foKbVgs/s320/wuzzles5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Three days later, the authorities discovered their ill-fated picnic site where their carcasses, stripped to the bone, <br />
still lay where they fell, prompting the Wuz government to declare a state of emergency.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, you might be wondering, where the hell is this going to lead, anyways? Well, it just so happens that during the chaos, Hoppopotamus (a hippo/rabbit hybrid) ends up tossing her applemelon to Eleroo (an elephant/kangaroo hybrid, and really, I'm just noting these for posterity) as a last ditch attempt to save her food and, in Eleroo's rush to grab the mutated piece of produce, he ends up bumping into a tree. This in turn causes an egg to fall out of a nest and land into his pouch. Oho, looks like wacky shenanigans are heading my way! <br />
<br />
...I'm not sure what it says about your cartoon if your biggest plot points so far have been picnic invaders and accidentally disturbing a bird nest. I guess I'm just too used to Disney cartoons having grander plot points like scientists that turn themselves into plants and <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/08/chip-n-dale-rescue-rangers-chocolate.html">German fat guys stealing chocolate from the Amazon</a>.<br />
<br />
But the icing on the cake is that, while this is all happening, the narrator says that he can't wait to see what happens when the mom of that nest finds out that she's missing her kid. He's not at all concerned either; if anything, he finds this situation absolutely hilarious, which gets downright chilling when you find out <i>what</i> laid that egg and the damage it can cause. Not only is he bored, but this narrator has a sick, twisted sense of humor which, oddly enough, makes me like him a lot more now. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qa_4CSdBeLo/TxIqoh5nLhI/AAAAAAAAD-Y/4a6Dk1Qwb6I/s1600/wuzzles6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qa_4CSdBeLo/TxIqoh5nLhI/AAAAAAAAD-Y/4a6Dk1Qwb6I/s320/wuzzles6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oSkZseB5uPQ/TxIqpAv3kwI/AAAAAAAAD-g/VmZWIaJRWAk/s1600/wuzzles7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oSkZseB5uPQ/TxIqpAv3kwI/AAAAAAAAD-g/VmZWIaJRWAk/s320/wuzzles7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gotta love a series premiere that opens with accidental poaching and environmental destruction.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The other Wuzzles catch up to their accident-prone friend to make sure he didn't fracture his skull after running into that tree, and that's when he unearths the egg sitting in his pouch. What's the logical explanation he offers to his friends? Why, Eleroo thinks he laid the egg himself and he's now a mom. I do like how that <i>that's</i> the first thing Eleroo can think of, that he somehow defied all laws of biology by spontaneously reproducing. The fact that a lot of his friends believe this too, with the blue bunny monster accusing him of making it up just to cause drama instead of going "Hey, Eleroo, you dumbass, that's not how babies work", just makes it even worse.<br />
<br />
But to be fair, he has a pouch. Male kangaroos don't have pouches. That would make <i>anyone</i> a little bit confused about their own reproductive organs. Especially considering that he's a Wuzzle, which only makes things that much more complicated.<br />
<br />
...and now I feel bad for bringing that up because most conversations about the Wuzzles on the Internet almost always end up leading to the big "How the hell do these freaks of nature reproduce?" question. I blame Robot Chicken.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Kilpv4tWLoU/TxIuL7OHXSI/AAAAAAAAD-o/hrtQobF0Ei8/s1600/wuzzles8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Kilpv4tWLoU/TxIuL7OHXSI/AAAAAAAAD-o/hrtQobF0Ei8/s320/wuzzles8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SjoJBdyvuLM/TxIuMaf97JI/AAAAAAAAD-w/JEbeIAR9J30/s1600/wuzzles9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SjoJBdyvuLM/TxIuMaf97JI/AAAAAAAAD-w/JEbeIAR9J30/s320/wuzzles9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Land of Wuz lacks a good sex ed program, I see.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, before anyone begins to question who the father of Eleroo's unexplained child is (I'm guessing Rhinokey; my fanfics need closure) and why a marsupial/placental mammal hybrid would lay a goddamn <b><i>egg</i></b>, the egg starts to hatch right in front of their eyes, revealing distinctly bird-like feet. Despite the fact that the creature is mooing and looks distinctly avian, Eleroo still insists that it's his baby, because I guess he's a massive dumbass that's deeper in denial than an Egyptian riverboat.<br />
<br />
As you can probably guess by now, this is an Eleroo-themed episode. I dislike it when shows have character-themed episodes but they don't indicate it at all in the actual episode title. Darkwing Duck, you can guess which episodes contain which villains depending on what type of pun they use for the title (for example, Megavolt is never in anything with a plant pun), but here, I only came into this episode expecting bulls and feathers and instead got Eleroo the gender-confused Wuzzle. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s_U6txR53HE/TxIuMqhsSFI/AAAAAAAAD-4/kbav4udjOUk/s1600/wuzzles10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s_U6txR53HE/TxIuMqhsSFI/AAAAAAAAD-4/kbav4udjOUk/s320/wuzzles10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"He looks nothing like me."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, once the egg hatches feet, the egg is somehow able to run around at high speeds while maintaining its balance and not running into things and killing itself, like all cartoon eggs that have feet and only feet. You'd think it'd use this energy to keep breaking out of its egg, but no, instead we need a little chase sequence first where the different mutants try to catch it. <br />
<br />
By the way, is it me or is the egg running away from the horrible strangers that kidnapped it from its nest? Wuzzles, remember that that egg isn't yours, no matter what the giant purple elephant in your life says. I'm beginning to see why that narrator was snidely awaiting the arrival of that wild animal's mother; these people are assholes. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0JFdhN0rvks/TxKQGLKTMGI/AAAAAAAAD_A/25LZVxrFn7s/s1600/wuzzles11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0JFdhN0rvks/TxKQGLKTMGI/AAAAAAAAD_A/25LZVxrFn7s/s320/wuzzles11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And they also don't get the concept of chasing something. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Some notable things about this long and slightly boring chase sequence (which seems to exist just to train animation interns how to animate different run cycles) include the narrator suddenly treating this like he's a sports newscaster and Rhinokey (the pink monkey with a rhino horn on his nose; calling him a rhino/monkey hybrid would be way too generous) just refusing to shut up and saying godawful lines such as "the fun is in the <i>scramble</i>!" and "I wish I could say it was nice <i>running into you</i>!", thus cementing his place in my list as Least Favorite Wuzzle. See, like all the Wuzzles, Rhinokey has a specific trait that defines him, and his quirk is that he likes to tell jokes and laugh all the time. And let me tell you, hearing someone only open their mouth to make jokes about pouched eggs or how someone took a ruler to bed to find out how long he slept gets real old real fast. <br />
<br />
But I can ignore Rhinokey for the moment here, because some sort of walrus shark <i>thing</i> fishes Bumblelion out of a lake after he accidentally ran into it in his attempt to catch the egg. It certainly isn't on screen for very long but, rest assured, the mere sight of it <b>will</b> haunt my nightmares. I probably shouldn't be watching this show sober. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TKN29P8vFMg/TxKQGuQmBzI/AAAAAAAAD_I/iqVihboiPr4/s1600/wuzzles12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TKN29P8vFMg/TxKQGuQmBzI/AAAAAAAAD_I/iqVihboiPr4/s320/wuzzles12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why is a walrus/shark even living in a lake? Wouldn't a creature of that nature be more suited for sea life?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After Bumblelion narrowly escapes either a death by drowning or a death by hideous tusked monstrosity, Hoppo hugs him close to her body and wants him to speak to her, to give her any indication that he's still conscious, until he shouts out Butterbear's name by mistake. Maybe I'm reading too much into this hint towards the show's love-triangle, but I was amazed they were able to get this conversation past the censors.<br />
<br />
And just throwing this out here, but I remember as a kid just feeling so sorry for Hoppo. Bumblelion was obviously going to shack up with the girl Wuzzle that was more his size and, in addition to this, one of the major running gags in the show was that Hoppo's friends would constantly make fun of her weight. It's a shame Season 2 never got made, but I certainly was looking forward to the episode where the hippo/bunny hybrid ends up developing a severe eating disorder thanks to her low self-esteem and body image. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2Olmc81XDeE/TxKQG6cGZqI/AAAAAAAAD_Q/H7WWzDEozFQ/s1600/wuzzles13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2Olmc81XDeE/TxKQG6cGZqI/AAAAAAAAD_Q/H7WWzDEozFQ/s320/wuzzles13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Why must we keep meeting in secret? Shouldn't we share our love with the rest of the world?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But back to the egg, since this is obviously going to be focus of our plot now. Somehow this egg chase sequence, after it already nearly claimed a drowning victim, leads to Eleroo running off a cliff after the egg did the same thing. Okay, seriously, between this and the whole lake incident earlier, I have reason to believe that Wuzzles are either severely near-sighted or just lack basic survival skills, which is why they as a species can only really thrive on one island and why the biggest Wuzzle city has a population of like twenty. At least that vulture/monkey Wuzzle that appeared in one of the episodes is very well-fed.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IhQu7ui0RoY/TxKQHXA8NkI/AAAAAAAAD_Y/bQktS6C5jJ0/s1600/wuzzles14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IhQu7ui0RoY/TxKQHXA8NkI/AAAAAAAAD_Y/bQktS6C5jJ0/s320/wuzzles14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Well, if I'm going to die, I might as well reenact my favorite scene from Swan Lake."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With Eleroo's wings growing out of his spine being meant only for decoration (and I'm not even sure why all the Wuzzles have wings in the first place), it's up to the newborn egg to suddenly sprout wings and save him from a certain doom. All while spitting in the face of physics by being able to drag Eleroo's fat ass up through the air despite being a baby. Geez, that must be one powerful species, being able to carry off something that's half-elephant without breaking a sweat. I've got a bad feeling about this, especially considering the comment the narrator had earlier about how he couldn't wait for the mom to show up. <br />
<br />
Speaking of the narrator, it never ceases to amaze me how little he gives a crap, because when he sees Eleroo falling to his death, he just says "Uh oh, looks like this is the end for this Moo-Ma" like he couldn't care less. Dude, one of the main characters is gonna turn into a pancake and you're just saying "uh oh"? What kind of asshole narrator is this?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JB8e2HxMcUY/TxKQHiqEQbI/AAAAAAAAD_g/8esHElBwamw/s1600/wuzzles15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JB8e2HxMcUY/TxKQHiqEQbI/AAAAAAAAD_g/8esHElBwamw/s320/wuzzles15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then the child drags Eleroo to his nest and devours him whole. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Wuzzles regroup on the cliff, possibly because they wanted to see the carnage and, immediately, we learn that The Huffalump has decided that he's going to keep his egg. Which is a totally stupid and ecologically damaging idea, but in fairness to Eleroo, the egg did just save him from a horrifying, bone-crushing death. Getting the chance to have a child that epic was just too tempting for him to pass up, even if he's going to get strange comments from the supermarket from now on. <br />
<br />
And that really says a lot about your characters if it takes them three minutes to catch something that hasn't even completely hatched yet. I bet they can't cross the street without crapping up and turning it into a giant ordeal that lasts twenty minutes.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SskUudkGLNU/TxKQIFBDYUI/AAAAAAAAD_o/Y1ydoN5BLU0/s1600/wuzzles16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SskUudkGLNU/TxKQIFBDYUI/AAAAAAAAD_o/Y1ydoN5BLU0/s320/wuzzles16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I meant what I said, and I said what I meant,<br />
An elephant's faithful one hundred percent."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Right when I'm about to write this entire group off as a band of drooling idiots, Butterbear (who's a butterfly/bear hybrid and looks a lot like a naked Gummi Bear) shows up and decides to bring some reason to this insane asylum by wisely pointing out that the egg belongs with its mother and that it isn't right to take a creature out of its natural habitat. In the face of intelligence, Eleroo decides that he's going to take the childish idiot route and insist that since the egg fell into his hideous appendage, it's now his, and if the mother doesn't like it, she can just study the quasi-legal concept detailed in the childhood rhyme "Finders, Keepers". <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rZw8T0BmroY/TxKQhC3SLtI/AAAAAAAAD_w/kkpQPnlchXM/s1600/wuzzles17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rZw8T0BmroY/TxKQhC3SLtI/AAAAAAAAD_w/kkpQPnlchXM/s320/wuzzles17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J5Pc3NQGOPg/TxKQhfz0LaI/AAAAAAAAD_4/C1e-400Qi7g/s1600/wuzzles18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J5Pc3NQGOPg/TxKQhfz0LaI/AAAAAAAAD_4/C1e-400Qi7g/s320/wuzzles18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"But Eleroo, this is a federal offense and harms the biodiversity of our fragile island eco-"<br />
"Lalalala I can't hear you!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, Bumblelion (aka, the Wuzzle that proved how smart he was earlier by accidentally running into a lake and nearly killing himself) is able to think of a way for everyone to be happy. Why, all they have to do is just keep the egg and bring it to their house until it hatches and <i>then</i> give it back to the forest once they see what it is and their curiosity is firmly satisfied. <br />
<br />
Wow. What a terrible and illegal idea, Bumblelion! <br />
<br />
In fact, it's so terrible that everyone is on board with it and on screen-wipe later, we find ourselves in one of the Wuzzle households, where they set up a nest and a heating lamp even though they have no idea what this creature is, what its nesting arrangements are, and what temperature will help it hatch and what temperature will kill it. Hooray for irresponsible actions!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P08HeS2OJr8/TxKQh4-oQ7I/AAAAAAAAEAA/ODH0BAydURU/s1600/wuzzles19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P08HeS2OJr8/TxKQh4-oQ7I/AAAAAAAAEAA/ODH0BAydURU/s320/wuzzles19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Somewhere, an environmentalist is crying.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Of course, instantly this already incredibly mindless idea of only keeping it until it hatches quickly falls flat once the different Wuzzles get into arguments on how they're going to raise the thing that hatches out of the egg, instantly indicating that Bumblelion only came up with that excuse to appeal to the one Wuzzle out of the group with any brains. Bumblelion even says that he'll raise the creature to "be handsome", when I have no idea how the hell you would raise someone to be attractive beyond plastic surgery and good makeup application. <br />
<br />
I know I felt sorry for Hoppo earlier, but now I feel sorry for Butterbear. She has to put up with this rampant stupidity <i>every single day of her life</i>. I wonder what else they did that was illegal before they found the egg. Considering Eleroo and the way he was all "it's mine because it fell into my pouch" earlier, I have to wonder if that Wuzzle is a really accomplished shoplifter, which is a theory that carries even more weight when you realize that none of these Wuzzles really have jobs. The Land of Wuz is a sick, twisted place rotten to the core with moral decay. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PAKfHDdyGYc/TxKQiUNvESI/AAAAAAAAEAI/OJH8LsBBfic/s1600/wuzzles20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PAKfHDdyGYc/TxKQiUNvESI/AAAAAAAAEAI/OJH8LsBBfic/s320/wuzzles20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Geez, your breath stinks!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It doesn't take long to hatch either, probably because it was technically already close to hatching considering it sprouted wings and legs earlier, but somehow the actual hatching process takes so long that they had to insert a commercial break inbetween just to drum up suspense and keep us on the edge of our seats. The fact that the most exciting thing about this cartoon so far is something that happens to me in Pokémon all the time (hey, I try to breed for the best natures possible) is kind of depressing. Commercial breaks are usually reserved for when Darkwing Duck is about ready to get killed by a lawnmower, not something that could be easily solved if one of the Wuzzles had a hammer. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GjnFtZlpiJc/TxKQi1vu5zI/AAAAAAAAEAQ/zaRln91jCBM/s1600/wuzzles21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GjnFtZlpiJc/TxKQi1vu5zI/AAAAAAAAEAQ/zaRln91jCBM/s320/wuzzles21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now I'm wondering if all Wuzzles lay eggs or if it's just the Wuzzles that are a hybrid of at least one egg-laying species. And that's not even getting into the Wuzzles that are half insect like Butterbear. Was she a catabear as a baby?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When it finally does break free from the egg shell, the result is, at the risk of using a terrible egg pun, not all that it's cracked up to be. Here I was, expecting something with like tentacles, ten eyes, and a hideous gaping jaw that can issue forth the song of the apocalypse, and instead I get...a generic cutesy animal face pasted onto a bird body. Wuzzles, I guess.<br />
<br />
Although now I'm wondering what kind of ecological niche this creature fills in the same environment where walrus-sharks dwell. It sucks how we have a nature narrator in this show but he doesn't actually do his job and tell me whether this thing is an apex predator or not. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VqjYuQQ-R8s/TxKQjPvbM5I/AAAAAAAAEAY/9MpwhDorEGc/s1600/wuzzles22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VqjYuQQ-R8s/TxKQjPvbM5I/AAAAAAAAEAY/9MpwhDorEGc/s320/wuzzles22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>What has science done.</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>So, what the hell is it anyways? Luckily, our bored narrator, who I'm gradually warming up to due to his lack of a damn he gives to his job, is here to give us a slideshow of what it's made out of. Turns out this cutesy-wutesy adorable baby is part Brahman Bull (which is a species of Indian cattle known for its long ears, meaning The Wuzzles taught me something today) and part finch (and just finch, oddly), thus creating the Brahman Bullfinch. Get it? Because there are actual birds called bullfinches but you can also make a Wuzzle that's a bullfinch. Hah! <br />
<br />
I do like the finch slide though, if only because that bird just looks mighty pissed off for reasons unknown. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LSqNCbsy_wE/TxKQjhXuHoI/AAAAAAAAEAg/FfEpTPCsZ1M/s1600/wuzzles23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LSqNCbsy_wE/TxKQjhXuHoI/AAAAAAAAEAg/FfEpTPCsZ1M/s320/wuzzles23.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lv4GSd7MCpc/TxKQj6ZCypI/AAAAAAAAEAo/z3K7mB_GcbM/s1600/wuzzles24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lv4GSd7MCpc/TxKQj6ZCypI/AAAAAAAAEAo/z3K7mB_GcbM/s320/wuzzles24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Disapproving Finch disapproves.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That being said, once we get to see what the adult Brahman Bullfinch looks like, instantly our heroes go from just being idiots who removed a wild animal from its habitat to idiots with a death wish.<i> Look at this thing. </i>Charging bulls are one thing, but at least they're on the ground. After seeing this slide, I get the feeling that one of the Wuzzles is going to get a first-hand look at their own intestines. <br />
<br />
...and why the hell does it have a nose ring? Cattle handlers usually install those rings so they can better control their bulls for agricultural purposes. A ring's going to do jack if the animal can fly, not to mention that the ring implies that there are Wuzzles who raise these abominations for meat or milk, which makes no sense since this animal was found in the wild. Do they wear the rings for tribal purposes? And if so, how do they install the rings into their noses without any thumbs? Somebody clue me in on the Brahman Bullfinch lifecycle please. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jyfiyBxtXac/TxKQkfwzxjI/AAAAAAAAEAw/mcGByqARnzk/s1600/wuzzles25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jyfiyBxtXac/TxKQkfwzxjI/AAAAAAAAEAw/mcGByqARnzk/s320/wuzzles25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Imagine this thing crapping on your car. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>So the cute little sin against nature flies around the room, bites people on the finger, says "moo" a lot, and is basically as adorable as adorable can be even though we just saw what it's going to look like in a couple of years. This scene also illustrates just how incompetent of a person (er, <i>Wuzzle</i>) Eleroo is because, despite everyone insisting that he take the kid back to its real mother before the mother impales him and spills his blood in the name of vengeance, Eleroo still thinks that he can take care of a flying cow beast while at the same time trying to feed it milk from a completely different species.<br />
<br />
Wait. Why does Eleroo have a bottle filled with milk just lying around his house? In fact, why does he have a box, nesting material, and a heating lamp just readily available? Oh geez, <i>he does this all the time, doesn't he</i>? His backyard must be filled with the bones of his past children.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8wKKsPkK5Wc/TxN30tR_j5I/AAAAAAAAEA4/I87EJFIwrOw/s1600/wuzzles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8wKKsPkK5Wc/TxN30tR_j5I/AAAAAAAAEA4/I87EJFIwrOw/s320/wuzzles.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The authorities will never catch me!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Butterbear, trying to be a good sport (and I have to admire her patience while surrounded in complete dumbasses like her friends), decides to hit the books and do some research, because Eleroo just happens to have books on different Wuzzle species just lying around his house. It turns out bullfinches live in the forest, eat googlberries, and live in bananapine trees. With all of those hybrid names in play (although I have no idea what a googlberry is supposed to be), Eleroo reasons that the egg must've fallen into his pouch when he hit that tree earlier! <b>No, <i>really?</i></b> I'm glad the characters can figure these things out nearly half an episode after the audience does. <br />
<br />
And I just thought I'd mention this, but my spellcheck really, really hates this post right now. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TombvA5B_f8/TxN30550hiI/AAAAAAAAEBA/l3ZcWXxzAfE/s1600/wuzzles1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TombvA5B_f8/TxN30550hiI/AAAAAAAAEBA/l3ZcWXxzAfE/s320/wuzzles1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like Hoppo and Butterbear's smiles. They're obviously humoring the poor mentally-challenged creature.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, before you assume that the cartoon's going to end right then and there, with the Wuzzles taking the birdcow monster back to its home before its mom gores them to death with her horns, there's also something else about the bullfinches that we must know. It also turns out that they're also a protected species because their tail-feathers are very valuable due to being fashionable accessories. <br />
<br />
Well, then. It's nice to know that Eleroo could be facing a hefty several thousand dollar fine and several years of jailtime now, because it sounds like he did the equivalent of going into the Florida everglades and smuggling a whooping crane egg like a massive dumbass. His bad idea just went from merely a bad idea to "oh my god, are you people <b>crazy</b>?" levels just from this piece of information alone.<br />
<br />
I bet this is why the episode is called "Bulls of a Feather" too. I see what you did there, Disney writers.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--MaTppklpDQ/TxN31PkzecI/AAAAAAAAEBI/ZegSEsGcqsM/s1600/wuzzles2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--MaTppklpDQ/TxN31PkzecI/AAAAAAAAEBI/ZegSEsGcqsM/s320/wuzzles2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm not sure why there's a fur and feather trade in a society full of animal hybrids, but what can you do?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And wouldn't you know it, the moment the cartoon introduces the idea that the bullfinch would be a very valuable target, a bad guy who just so happens to be rooting through Eleroo's garbage and eating it (yeah, the villain roster in this show isn't very classy) overhears the Wuzzles talking very loudly about how they're going to take <b>The Very Rare Brahman Bullfinch With the Very Valuable Tail-Feathers That Could Make Someone Rich</b> back to the forest and it would be such a shame if something happened to the creature. Wuzzles are not a very discreet race.<br />
<br />
For those curious, this creature here is Brat, and he's one of the three main villains that turned up in this short-lived show. Despite his name, he's <b>not</b> a boar/rat hybrid, but rather a boar/dragon monster (I guess calling him Dragboar or Bragon would've made too much sense), and he's the closest Disney could get to having The Tasmanian Devil in their show without Warner Brothers knowing, considering the way Brat eats everything, talks in gibberish, and causes wanton property damage. I guess as long as he doesn't turn into a tornado or spits, WB can look the other way.<br />
<br />
Come to think of it, I'm not even sure why Brat happens to be eating Eleroo's garbage. Do the Wuzzles just allow him to do that? Is he Wuz's answer to a waste disposal service? It's a good thing they don't live in an era of identity theft because that's just unreasonably unsafe.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kfEoA4UekVA/TxN31ksrvWI/AAAAAAAAEBQ/O8xc6aBBK5k/s1600/wuzzles3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kfEoA4UekVA/TxN31ksrvWI/AAAAAAAAEBQ/O8xc6aBBK5k/s320/wuzzles3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then he dies from Hepatitis B.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Once Brat hears this juicy tidbit of news, he decides to return to his headquarters and report to his head honcho. Brace yourselves, folks, because here is when this show gets <i>weird</i>, and I'm saying that after I saw the bird cow. We're about ready to see our cartoon's main villains, and they're actually pretty unique among the Disney show roster, all things considered. <br />
<br />
But before I talk about our villains, the first thing I want to point out is this house. A horrible hodgepodge of decaying splinters and broken pieces just haphazardly thrown together, this place instantly tells you one thing and one thing only; these villains are not rich and powerful by any means. In fact, they're pretty far down the social-economic ladder if they can't afford a decent place to live. They're essentially squatting in a building, which used to be a boat and was later converted into some living quarters to save on rent, that looks like a small rain could demolish it. I guess homeless shelters just don't exist in The Land of Wuz.<br />
<br />
Speaking of which, I like to pretend that the boat was a human fishing boat blown way off-course during a storm and ended up landing on the Wuz island by mistake, if only because I like to think that our main villains killed and ate the occupants and then took their stuff.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9lMTBA7aXJo/TxN32PoO8nI/AAAAAAAAEBY/dfUn6Ivf6LU/s1600/wuzzles4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9lMTBA7aXJo/TxN32PoO8nI/AAAAAAAAEBY/dfUn6Ivf6LU/s320/wuzzles4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Any villain who lives in a house that looks like a Disneyland attraction is instantly awesome in my book.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then things become even more amazing when we go into the house and we find two of the main villains sitting on the couch, surrounded in their own filth, complaining about how hungry they are and how they haven't eaten in so long. Now, normally in cartoons populating the Disney Afternoon, the villains have some sort of power they can abuse to get their way. Not in the Wuzzles! Instead our main villains are jobless hobos squatting in a destitute structure that was probably condemned years ago for being a massive safety hazard. No matter how assholish these two can be, you still can't help but feel that the hero Wuzzles are massive jerks for picking on the unemployed. <br />
<br />
I might as well introduce these two by the way. The one on the left is named Crock, and he's the laziest goddamn Wuzzle combination in the entire show. He's a crocodile/dinosaur hybrid. <i>Seriously.</i> We have freaking lions crossed with freaking bumblebees on this island and the best they can come up with for the main villain is two vaguely dinosaur-like species. Geez, at least throw some tarantula DNA in there or something. Although I like the theory where he's just a talking dinosaur (well, he <b>is</b> the only person on the island with a Louisiana accent...) and thus the only creature on the island that isn't two times the fun, wrapped up and rolled into one. That would make <i>anyone</i> a little grouchy and it throws in some classic discrimination into the mix. <br />
<br />
The one on the right is named Frizard, a pink frog/lizard Wuzzle, and man, whatever mean, unjust god created these monsters was especially cruel with this one because he's by far the ugliest main character (because walrus-shark and bullfinches aren't in the entire series) on the entire island. Even though he hangs out with Brat and Crock, he's actually a very nice person to the cuddlier, softer-looking Wuzzles. He just hangs out with the bad guys because he's a terrible judge in character, is too much of a coward to say "no" to any of Crock's schemes, and because he's hideous. Which is really depressing.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lCUrN5J5sHg/TxN32rGSYpI/AAAAAAAAEBg/zvWTWFEe90U/s1600/wuzzles5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lCUrN5J5sHg/TxN32rGSYpI/AAAAAAAAEBg/zvWTWFEe90U/s320/wuzzles5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I spent eight years getting my Master's in Engineering and where does it get me?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Speaking of depressing, they're so poor that they can't even afford real food, instead having to tear out pictures from magazines and eat the pages for nourishment. This bears repeating. <i>They're so hungry that they're eating magazines.</i> Somehow, opening on the villains like this doesn't instill fear so much as it instills absolute pity. Remember, this is the very first episode of the cartoon, so we don't know what horrible things these creatures have done to earn their fate yet. The cartoon that is basically telling us to point and laugh at people who are crashed out on a couch, complaining that they're starving to death. <b>Damn</b> that's cold.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8StAnx3zkqU/TxN33Oy31FI/AAAAAAAAEBo/a3CUTaZdOno/s1600/wuzzles6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8StAnx3zkqU/TxN33Oy31FI/AAAAAAAAEBo/a3CUTaZdOno/s320/wuzzles6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">His blood sugar levels are so low that he's starting to hallucinate.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Frizard, stewing in his hunger-induced misery, even says that he's so hungry that he'd even <b>work</b> for it, unintentionally saying the W-word. See, in this cartoon, these characters get really enraged when someone mentions work, and Crock is no exception. In fact, he's so pissed off that it seriously looks like that he's going to beat up his friend, and considering the size difference, I doubt Frizard could live through such a beatdown. <br />
<br />
By the way, think of what this scene is saying. This cartoon is telling me that the reason these two don't have any food or any material possessions is because they hate to work and, because of their laziness, they're poor. You can take this in two different directions. That's either a horrible and offensive generalization of the unemployed, meaning this cartoon is sending a very terrible political message to children, or Crock and Frizard are simply like high-school dropouts hoping that someday, their musical genius will be discovered while they laze about, smoking weed and talking about how Pink Floyd syncs up to The Wizard of Oz.<br />
<br />
...obviously, you can guess which direction I like. Hell, for all we know, marijuana's legal in Wuz, only it's some sort of weird hybrid like methijuana. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-i4S-prpTjlc/TxN33rI8xMI/AAAAAAAAEBw/JJJKUlZYCHk/s1600/wuzzles7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-i4S-prpTjlc/TxN33rI8xMI/AAAAAAAAEBw/JJJKUlZYCHk/s320/wuzzles7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Maybe hanging out with someone higher on the food chain was a bad idea, Frizard.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Suddenly, while the conversation on work goes absolutely nowhere, the boar creature we saw earlier runs in (destroying a door in the process, because Brat's an asshole and is well-aware that Crock can't afford to replace it) and tells them about the Brahman Bullfinch. We get a really weird scene where apparently, even though Brat talks like a pit bull gnawing on its own butt, Crock can understand every word he says. Instantly, the fat homeless man decides that they can steal its feathers and get super rich from it. <br />
<br />
I feel bad for saying this, but considering Eleroo was able to steal the bullfinch and not get caught, I'm totally fine with Crock grabbing some feathers if it means he can afford to improve his quality of life. Considering the villains' diet consists of magazines and garbage, if Crock had some actual money, they might just be able to avoid a death from malnourishment. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-datkZp2wAXw/TxN331nc4CI/AAAAAAAAEB4/ay1IqIUeAdc/s1600/wuzzles8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-datkZp2wAXw/TxN331nc4CI/AAAAAAAAEB4/ay1IqIUeAdc/s320/wuzzles8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And maybe Brat can also get some speech therapy lessons and a trip to the dentist's on top of that. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>But we have to check back on the Wuzzles, who we see are on their way to return the bullfinch to its tree by driving through the forest full of protected species<i> in a car</i>. What. You even see that the car isn't even on any state-mandated roads and Moosel is choosing to instead bulldoze his nice 1950's Chevy Lowrider car with moose antlers through an island wilderness that only exists on one place in the entire world. Where's <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JT0PsLvDOiQ/TlbEFCF8WII/AAAAAAAAA8A/dIiB89DCtzA/s1600/blight44.jpg">Captain Planet</a> when you need him?<br />
<br />
...and why do the Wuzzles even have cars? Is there a thriving automobile industry in this island community? No seriously, what the hell?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lSB4XxDa_MU/TxN34ZDcciI/AAAAAAAAECA/T7dFD0GIhdw/s1600/wuzzles9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lSB4XxDa_MU/TxN34ZDcciI/AAAAAAAAECA/T7dFD0GIhdw/s320/wuzzles9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Being environmentally conscious is for pussies!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We also see that Eleroo is still sentimental about leaving the bullfinch because, in his words, he knew the little guy since the day he was born. Well yeah, considering <b><i>you took its egg from its nest illegally</i></b>. Seriously why is this still an issue? Are any of these Wuzzles even the least bit worried that they're breaking several poaching laws?<br />
<br />
And then he hugs the creature so close to him that it looks like its in actual pain, because if you have a baby endangered animal in your presence, you should strangle the life out of it!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KOQ13IpoW90/TxN46JKM80I/AAAAAAAAECI/LHZd2-j62uU/s1600/wuzzles10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KOQ13IpoW90/TxN46JKM80I/AAAAAAAAECI/LHZd2-j62uU/s320/wuzzles10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever and never let you go!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>They drive up to the tree and have some trouble putting the creature back into its nest, considering the nest is really high up and the wings all the Wuzzles have don't actually do anything. That's when Crock leaps into action and we get to see just how stupid of a race these Wuzzles are. Since Crock can't really afford any decent traps, he decides that the best way to still the bullfinch is to dress up in the <i>worst</i> possible disguise in the history of cartoons (for starters, he had to sew a giant B on his chest in case no one knew he was a bullfinch), start going on in a really fake girly voice about how he missed his baby boy in the thick Louisiana accent that only he possesses, and hope the Wuzzles just hand the bullfinch over. <br />
<br />
In fairness to Crock, he is suffering from acute malnutrition. If I was nearly starving to death, I'd think this was a good idea too.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hIj68b4XWRc/TxN46n0uGKI/AAAAAAAAECQ/d_sD6Us5Kk8/s1600/wuzzles11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hIj68b4XWRc/TxN46n0uGKI/AAAAAAAAECQ/d_sD6Us5Kk8/s320/wuzzles11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, junior, I'm so glad you're safe! Let mama hold you close with her frightening dinosaur claws!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And the worst thing?<i><b> It actually works</b></i>.<br />
<br />
No, I'm not kidding you. No one finds this at all suspicious, the disguise fools all of the Wuzzles even though the bullfinch is struggling and crying, and they sort of smile and wave to the hideous pink creature with the visible stitching as it abducts the rare animal.<br />
<br />
...I think I've lost all faith in these characters now. I expect this sort of behavior from <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OX1cn9mk-PQ/Tveq9ucJC3I/AAAAAAAADrk/9UKhak4x1Yc/s1600/sonicchristmas2.jpg">Scratch and Grounder</a>, not characters that are designed to sell cute 80's plush toys. Even the Care Bears aren't this dumb.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IynS76WfV7E/TxN47AxhRDI/AAAAAAAAECY/ARy22TB29gE/s1600/wuzzles12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IynS76WfV7E/TxN47AxhRDI/AAAAAAAAECY/ARy22TB29gE/s320/wuzzles12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I see you're wondering about the disfiguring scars. I accidentally flew into a jet engine two years ago."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Eleroo's heart is broken that he can't keep an endangered animal in his house, but everyone heads home anyways, with Rhinokey (ever the annoying idiot) even saying that it's a happy ending. Again, note the lack of suspicion in all of the characters. Maybe there's a reason Butterbear and Hoppo wasn't with them; the girls, what with their more advanced brains and their ability to use logic and reason, would've saw right through that disguise. I wonder if there's an evolutionary reason behind the fact that the girl Wuzzles are so much smarter than the boy Wuzzles.<br />
<br />
Anyways, it's a good thing the mother bullfinch actually shows up out of nowhere and sits on their car, informing them that something's wrong, or else the rest of the episode would involve the male Wuzzles sitting around the house, wondering why Crock can suddenly afford a mansion and a yacht. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dYbbGcRtZhw/TxN47R_56DI/AAAAAAAAECg/BAeHc38JZkk/s1600/wuzzles13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dYbbGcRtZhw/TxN47R_56DI/AAAAAAAAECg/BAeHc38JZkk/s320/wuzzles13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Here's the beef!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>You gotta love how inept these Wuzzles are at problem-solving by the way. A very angry female bullfinch attacks their car, chases their car, follows them through town, and then sits on Eleroo's home and nearly destroys the roof, and they honestly believe that she's a relative of that nice, pink, badly-sewn mom they saw earlier and can't honestly figure out why she's so angry. Eleroo even yells that they gave the baby back. No offense, guys, but to call you idiots would be an insult to idiots because this is beyond stupid. This bullfinch can't talk, choosing to instead bellow in anger, while the bullfinch you handed the baby over sounded just like the hobo from down the street that everyone hates. Put two and two together! This shouldn't be that hard to figure out!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nP8fZ_7Vmn4/TxN47rmH9LI/AAAAAAAAECo/ptVyqKzHi8c/s1600/wuzzles14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nP8fZ_7Vmn4/TxN47rmH9LI/AAAAAAAAECo/ptVyqKzHi8c/s320/wuzzles14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So it's both a cow and a bird. McDonald's would love to discover a species like that...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With the bullfinch caving in Eleroo's house with her gigantic cow ass, the two girls run off to do something smart off-screen while Bumblelion decides that he's grown tired of living, so he climbs up on the roof and starts threatening the giant horned animal. As you can probably guess, Bumblelion is the stupidly courageous leader of the group; the one that likes to get himself into danger without thinking of the consequences. The interiors of dragon caves are littered with the bones of people like Bumblelion. I'm sending condolences to his family in advance.<br />
<br />
And in yet another fascinating display of Wuzzle intelligence, the cape Bumblelion uses is pink. If you're going to dance around and shout "Toro! Toro!" like the bullfighter stereotype you're trying to convey, could you at least get the color right?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6vYbUVB88kw/TxN48LOc3YI/AAAAAAAAECw/hvO_SqVeRMc/s1600/wuzzles15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6vYbUVB88kw/TxN48LOc3YI/AAAAAAAAECw/hvO_SqVeRMc/s320/wuzzles15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Incidentally, female Brahman cattle don't have horns and yet all the Brahman Bullfinches have horns. <br />
Does this mean this species is an all-male race?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, the bull only decides to snort Bumblelion off of the house with its breath instead of using its horns, or else Eleroo would have to hire someone to climb to the top of his roof and clean all the blood and bumblelion guts out of the straw thatching. This scene also shows just what assholes The Wuzzles are to each other, because their reaction to Bumblelion falling off the roof and narrowly avoiding getting his back broken is not to ask if he's okay, but to point and laugh and crack jokes at his expense. Between this and the extreme leaps in logic earlier, I'm guessing the reason this show only had thirteen episodes is because natural selection finally did its job and none of these creatures survived for a second season.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yPy7RlFHbTU/TxN48Tul5AI/AAAAAAAAEC4/8azE47s84H4/s1600/wuzzles16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yPy7RlFHbTU/TxN48Tul5AI/AAAAAAAAEC4/8azE47s84H4/s320/wuzzles16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hah hah, you nearly died and that's funny!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, Butterbear and Hoppo are at the general store, ready to buy googlberries to lure the angry bull off the roof. I know I keep pointing this out, but the girls the only ones with any common sense. They're using <i>research</i> to solve a problem instead of climbing up on the roof with a blanket and hoping a giant bull horn doesn't pierce their sternum. We should rename this show <u>Butterbear, Hoppo, and the Mutant Idiots that Constantly Ruin Their Lives</u>.<br />
<br />
Just one problem, says the weird dog-like store owner that I can't honestly figure out what the hell he's supposed to be. All the berries were already sold to someone else. Oooh, the plot thickens! <br />
<br />
...although now I'm wondering what a googlberry would taste like. I'm picturing like the fruit equivalent of Trident Layers gum. Come to think of it, a lot of the Wuzzles food, I wish I could try. They have applemelons, for crying out loud. <i>Applemelons!</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-G1K7kfVOzo8/TxN48xVg4nI/AAAAAAAAEDA/5hJdsSACF6A/s1600/wuzzles17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-G1K7kfVOzo8/TxN48xVg4nI/AAAAAAAAEDA/5hJdsSACF6A/s320/wuzzles17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Help! This crocodile in a cape keeps following me around and is trying to make me dance ballet!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since the shopkeeper is such a nice fellow in redirecting the blame, he even points to who bought the berries. It turns out that Frizard and Brat bought the berries and stored them all in this really derelict truck that just screams trailer trash. Not sure how Hoppo and Butterbear were able to walk into the store without seeing them, but to be fair, hippos, bears, butterflies, and rabbits are not known for their stellar eyesight.<br />
<br />
When they see that the two unemployed jerks of the community are carting away an obscene amount of food, Wuzzle hospitality is at its finest because the first thought that springs to Hoppo's mind is the fact that it's amazing that Brat and Frizard actually <b>paid </b>for something. Yeah, <i>poor people</i>, am I right?<br />
<br />
...wait, how the hell could they afford all that fruit if they couldn't afford to buy any food for themselves earlier? I'm guessing they robbed the bank off-screen. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-koLFrp7d1uM/TxN49RlNkzI/AAAAAAAAEDI/WmhBhVdXI9s/s1600/wuzzles18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-koLFrp7d1uM/TxN49RlNkzI/AAAAAAAAEDI/WmhBhVdXI9s/s320/wuzzles18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It looks like them Duke boys are in a heap o' trouble.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It doesn't take long for Butterbear and Hoppo (who were somehow able to follow Frizard and Brat by car without either of them noticing) to find out that the three bad guys have the bullfinch holed up. And now it's up to the only smart Wuzzles on the island to do the right thing. Take note, Bumblelion. This is how you're <i>supposed</i> to do it.<br />
<br />
By the way, now's a good time to point out that while the large, overweight crocodile monster is being a total dick to that bullfinch (although all he did was tie a rope to its leg; he's at least feeding it), technically he broke the same amount of laws as the good Wuzzles. Hell, if anything, Crock's way of doing it is a lot smarter, because he's actually trying to make a profit out of the bullfinch instead of being like Eleroo and insisting on keeping it because he thinks he's the mama or something stupid. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B-rwOVTD-3g/TxN5Zup9muI/AAAAAAAAEDQ/F-LLE8nmYao/s1600/wuzzles19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B-rwOVTD-3g/TxN5Zup9muI/AAAAAAAAEDQ/F-LLE8nmYao/s320/wuzzles19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Berries make me ANGRY!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Mind you, while I said his plan was "smarter", that doesn't mean Crock's plan is actually smart. His plan is to keep the bullfinch and keep feeding it so that it can grow big enough to have lots of feathers for him to sell. There are several glaring flaws in this (most of them involving him keeping the authorities and the giant property-destroying cow monster off his ass for several years while waiting for his money-making scheme to grow), but I just want to point out the most obvious one. Just earlier, we saw that they could barely afford enough food to feed themselves, let alone an animal that grows to be so giant that a full-grown one can sit on your roof and make your house cave in. The bullfinch is going to starve to death, as will these three jerkasses, long before they see a cent of Crock's enterprise.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BUiAtzNkWSs/TxN5Z3ijZzI/AAAAAAAAEDY/KWoXNNpHeCQ/s1600/wuzzles20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BUiAtzNkWSs/TxN5Z3ijZzI/AAAAAAAAEDY/KWoXNNpHeCQ/s320/wuzzles20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The only reason he's not in prison is because the policemen in Wuz find this guy so pitifully entertaining.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, there's an opening for Butterbear and Hoppo to get the bullfinch because...Crock had to turn to the other two mutants and start whispering to them for an extended period of time. <br />
<br />
Uh, <i>why?</i> This plan really isn't that complicated, guys. Croc already laid out all the big details (feed bullfinch, ???, profit) and it's not a very difficult plan to figure out, unless if there's some steps that he didn't mention out loud that involve things like an underground smuggling ring and criminal ties with the Wuzzle mafia, which I heard has weapons that are half-piano wire, half-tommy gun. <br />
<br />
Also I like how in this entire episode, Frizard just looks like he doesn't want to be there. Come to think of it, he doesn't do one thing that's malicious this entire episode besides follow Crock's orders. Poor guy's in with the wrong crowd.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m83JGnf2Sn8/TxN5aOFKt8I/AAAAAAAAEDg/8Jo5jMxHH0k/s1600/wuzzles21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m83JGnf2Sn8/TxN5aOFKt8I/AAAAAAAAEDg/8Jo5jMxHH0k/s320/wuzzles21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Just be aware that if the baby's real mom shows up, I'm using you as a meat shield <br />
while me and Brat make our getaway, Frizard."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Hoppo grabs the kid, which leads me to realize that, while Eleroo is a large part of this episode and was insisting that he's the bullfinch's mom, it's the ladies that are really kicking ass and saving the day. I find that both funny and sad that Eleroo's so incompetent that he can't save his own adopted baby. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, they're not out of the fire yet, because the kid happily cries out in joy. Uh oh. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E59CmsgMl3s/TxN5aUOZ_WI/AAAAAAAAEDo/EzPdC0dzLf0/s1600/wuzzles22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E59CmsgMl3s/TxN5aUOZ_WI/AAAAAAAAEDo/EzPdC0dzLf0/s320/wuzzles22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icv-7qvFAHQ">(!)</a></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>With a "she's stealing what we rightfully stole" from Crock (I love the way this character talks), that leads us to our climax, which involves, oddly, a really long car chase sequence. Yes, you heard me. The Wuzzles likes car chases. I know we already saw the Wuzzles drive cars two other times in this episode, but it still throws me off that these fairytale creatures travel just like regular human beings instead of using something mystical or fantastical. Plus the cars aren't even a hybrid of anything! They're just cars! Why not a car/boat or a car/airplane as the main method of Wuzzle transportation?<br />
<br />
This car chase goes on for way too long and isn't all that exciting, but I will point out that while Butterbear's car and later Crock's car drive past Eleroo's house, Rhinokey calls the three villains "those loonies from the boonies". Just keep on sucking, Rhinokey. The fact that you're a classist dick really doesn't surprise me. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-McRyshWkRII/TxN5alu3uII/AAAAAAAAEDw/GtNlKw1Zy38/s1600/wuzzles23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-McRyshWkRII/TxN5alu3uII/AAAAAAAAEDw/GtNlKw1Zy38/s320/wuzzles23.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RCxUzgimQt8/TxN5bB-yIyI/AAAAAAAAED4/RMj14JP9p1E/s1600/wuzzles24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RCxUzgimQt8/TxN5bB-yIyI/AAAAAAAAED4/RMj14JP9p1E/s320/wuzzles24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"For the love of god, what the crap are you doing driving 60 miles in this goddamned lane <br />
when there's a perfectly free lane to the right, asswipe!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>You gotta love their cars by the way. People in this town just have the inability to drive unless if their vehicles have attachments that resemble body parts they possess. And after seeing the really awesome car designs in shows such as Wacky Races, I'm really disappointed to see that the main villain's car is just a run-of-the-mill 1950's car with a giant lizard tail glued to the rear. I don't think an ornament of that nature is street legal, but then again, maybe jurisdiction is different in The Land of Wuz. After all, no one's even wearing a seat belt here. Crock isn't even in a seat this whole time.<br />
<br />
And how the hell did Crock afford that nice, topless car if he can't even afford food? Hell, how did he afford the magazines?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TN0kT297Gys/TxN5bde6fEI/AAAAAAAAEEA/K7_Ih0LC7bc/s1600/wuzzles25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TN0kT297Gys/TxN5bde6fEI/AAAAAAAAEEA/K7_Ih0LC7bc/s320/wuzzles25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, your car looks ridiculous!"<br />
"No, <i>your</i> car looks ridiculous!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So they drive to Crock's house, because I guess Butterbear had an extreme lapse in judgement and thought that the best way to lose the bad guys is to drive down the roads near where they live. While this really snore-inducing car chase is going on, which includes exciting things like Brat getting hit by an incredibly low street light and Crock demolishing a fence with his silly-looking car tail, the mamma bull called up a whole flock of bullfinches to follow them.<br />
<br />
...wait a second, I thought this was a protected species! There's a whole herd of them! Now, before you point out that these could be the only living members of this species, let me point out that we've only seen <b>one</b> of each of the main Wuzzles. Not sure why the bullfinches are considered endangered when I've only seen only one Bumblelion and only one Crock.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5XDOg80dFPc/TxN5bvzEb7I/AAAAAAAAEEI/MroMBvxtGmk/s1600/wuzzles26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5XDOg80dFPc/TxN5bvzEb7I/AAAAAAAAEEI/MroMBvxtGmk/s320/wuzzles26.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two people were killed by falling cow pies that day.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>What I find sad is that Butterbear and Hoppo, who were really quite logical and smart this entire episode, decide that the best course of action to take next, after driving around and trying to get away from Crock, <i>is to hide out in Crock's house</i>. Oh yeah, they'll never look there! And they certainly won't know of any secret entrances in which to surprise you either!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-crWQQ7UsMpE/TxN5b3EjX1I/AAAAAAAAEEQ/ewRaQ8mCu64/s1600/wuzzles27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-crWQQ7UsMpE/TxN5b3EjX1I/AAAAAAAAEEQ/ewRaQ8mCu64/s320/wuzzles27.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Smart!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then the other four run into Crock's house because, according to Bumblelion, it's showdown time in Crock's house. Guys, I'm not sure if you want to call it a <i>showdown</i>. A showdown would imply that there's actual stakes. A showdown implies a life or death struggle between good and evil, with the chance that someone could get killed or at least seriously injured. This plot is just trying to save an ugly baby bird mutant from the jerks no one in this town likes. Calling this a "showdown" is being waaaay too generous.<br />
<br />
Sadly, the scene where the rest of the cuddly, merchandise-driven cast bursts through the door and runs in to help Hoppo and Butterbear is probably the scene they used the most in the tv advertisements for this show. Think about what that means about this show, that the money shot for this entire series is the team rushing in to save a baby finch from an unemployed reptile.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0xtvTsvTQSI/TxN5cV1z-1I/AAAAAAAAEEY/rGHHnhbx_n0/s1600/wuzzles28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0xtvTsvTQSI/TxN5cV1z-1I/AAAAAAAAEEY/rGHHnhbx_n0/s320/wuzzles28.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They're dashing and daring, courageous and...wait, wrong show.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Crock then shows up, and we learn something that they never really addressed until now. Apparently Crock, in addition to having poor living arrangements and an appetite for printed media, is the strongest, toughest character on the entire island and everyone's kind of afraid of him. Hell, Bumblelion, the guy who climbed up a goddamn roof and tried to face off against a bird with a bull face grafted to its body, needs some convincing from Hoppo before he decides to come to blows with Crock and his goons. They probably should've made that a lot clearer in the beginning of the episode, but what can you do?<br />
<br />
By the way, I noticed that, at least with the main characters, all of the good wuzzles are mammalian creatures with the occasional bug part in the mix, while the bad guys are reptilian-based. Nice to know the job market in Wuz actively discriminates against people with a scaly heritage if all the hobos are part lizard. The Land of Wuz is a sick, twisted place. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I4d4mZWTYBA/TxTilcxnt_I/AAAAAAAAEEk/vxjWfxMsAW4/s1600/wuzzles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I4d4mZWTYBA/TxTilcxnt_I/AAAAAAAAEEk/vxjWfxMsAW4/s320/wuzzles.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6g1Ciw0y8ms/TxTiljaer2I/AAAAAAAAEEs/GBXc6-zaffs/s1600/wuzzles1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6g1Ciw0y8ms/TxTiljaer2I/AAAAAAAAEEs/GBXc6-zaffs/s320/wuzzles1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We're going to eat well tonight, boys!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Man, we need some sort of a deux ex machina to save the day, especially one that can be easily narrated by Bored Out of His Mind Narrator. I sure hope this cartoon throws something stupid our way like a flock of bullfinches sitting on Crock's house instead of the Wuzzles actually using their brains to fix the problem that they themselves caused.<br />
<br />
And wouldn't you know it, that's just what happens. Not sure why the bullfinches didn't descend upon Crock and rip his body to shreds when he had the baby all tied up in the yard<i> and</i> had a whole truck of googlberries just sitting out there, but I guess that would've been the logical route and, judging by what I learned today, Wuzzles are allergic to logic.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b5fo1WpE_MY/TxTimC0_IAI/AAAAAAAAEE0/-AyExLdj2HI/s1600/wuzzles2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b5fo1WpE_MY/TxTimC0_IAI/AAAAAAAAEE0/-AyExLdj2HI/s320/wuzzles2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey cool, the latest Angry Birds DLC just launched!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So the good Wuzzles escape in time, but the three villains are not so lucky, because they're left behind, trapped in a house that's about to collapse. How heroic.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zU2TS4rVsCg/TxTim3Fz1BI/AAAAAAAAEE8/2jiwAApmUjA/s1600/wuzzles3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zU2TS4rVsCg/TxTim3Fz1BI/AAAAAAAAEE8/2jiwAApmUjA/s320/wuzzles3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V_RxF2ol_gQ/TxTinJC3f0I/AAAAAAAAEFE/cFx30op4k0g/s1600/wuzzles4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V_RxF2ol_gQ/TxTinJC3f0I/AAAAAAAAEFE/cFx30op4k0g/s320/wuzzles4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They deserve it because they were lizards!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and while this is going on, Rhinokey has to crack a joke about how the bullfinches <i>brought the house down</i>. Hahahaha, it's funny because someone who doesn't have enough money to buy food for himself just lost his home and he happened to be trapped inside while the roof collapsed! They totally deserved it after they stole that rare, exotic animal that only happened to be in town because your friends smuggled it from the forest and just had to see it hatch! <br />
<br />
Rhinokey, I'm going to say this the nicest way I can, but<b> go to hell.</b> Maybe you can laugh at them <i>after</i> you find out if they're still alive, you giant asshole!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RKK2HNlOLEg/TxTinlvaaHI/AAAAAAAAEFM/k1J_XCr_TG0/s1600/wuzzles5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RKK2HNlOLEg/TxTinlvaaHI/AAAAAAAAEFM/k1J_XCr_TG0/s320/wuzzles5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: A total asshole who laughs at the poor.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, not all the Wuzzles are horrible, because Butterbear is actually worried about whether Crock and his friends are hurt. Unfortunately, this causes Annoying Pink Asshole to go run up to the front door (wait a second, Brat destroyed the front door earlier, what the hell?), discover that they're still alive, although they look pretty hurt and who knows what dangerous molds they just inhaled and are floating in their lungs right now, and then make another joke at their expense. Geez, Rhinokey just really hates people who aren't him.<br />
<br />
And again, Frizard. He wasn't actively hurting the Wuzzles. Why does he get lumped into this tragedy?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Rq-LUKOEeyw/TxTioNCWIQI/AAAAAAAAEFU/bm2ufh-n5s8/s1600/wuzzles6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Rq-LUKOEeyw/TxTioNCWIQI/AAAAAAAAEFU/bm2ufh-n5s8/s320/wuzzles6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So not only are the bad guys going to continue eating magazine pictures for food, but now they don't have a roof. <br />
Is this supposed to be a happy ending?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So the Mama Bullfinch gets her baby back, the mother looks frightening and scary considering the cow head awkwardly imposed on a round beanbag body, everyone waves goodbye, Eleroo conveniently ignores that everything that happened today was all his fault because he sucks, and it's a happy ending. Looks like we all learned a valuable lesson on how we need to leave wild animals' nests alone, or else the wild animals will go damage the house of someone we don't like. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8vWAofjT2wM/TxTioVYEN7I/AAAAAAAAEFc/nIbhr4Anhi4/s1600/wuzzles7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8vWAofjT2wM/TxTioVYEN7I/AAAAAAAAEFc/nIbhr4Anhi4/s320/wuzzles7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QVj0ESTsPxo/TxTio2lX6XI/AAAAAAAAEFk/lOMHgHeYS7c/s1600/wuzzles8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QVj0ESTsPxo/TxTio2lX6XI/AAAAAAAAEFk/lOMHgHeYS7c/s320/wuzzles8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yeah, I'm just going to conveniently ignore the fact that the reason my baby was in that<br />
life-threatening situation is because you stole my egg from my nest!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Actually, no. Because the last thing we end this episode on is Eleroo with another egg, this one even larger than the last one, showing that the moral of the episode just sailed right over his thick skull and this character didn't actually develop. <b>Goddamnit</b>, Eleroo! Why must you suck so much? If Rhinokey didn't already earn the title, I would've named you Worst Wuzzle for this!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aUWe5NYWBgU/TxTipd-GgWI/AAAAAAAAEFs/Q3FX8rDmDw0/s1600/wuzzles9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aUWe5NYWBgU/TxTipd-GgWI/AAAAAAAAEFs/Q3FX8rDmDw0/s320/wuzzles9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This is the best Easter ever!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Well, okay, I was wrong about it ending on Eleroo comedically appearing with an egg in order to instill some hilarious irony into the cartoon. Turns out we leave on a very chilling, almost scary note when the very, very last thing we see in this episode is the mysterious egg <i>hatching</i>, which causes the narrator to bail out (probably because he's crapping himself in fear but doesn't want the audience to know) and end the episode right before we see what hideous monster crawls out.<br />
<br />
...is it safe to assume that whatever hatched out of that egg killed all of the Wuzzles?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ofohNAkiaa0/TxTip8hRlsI/AAAAAAAAEF0/2R07ivWKm5g/s1600/wuzzles10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ofohNAkiaa0/TxTip8hRlsI/AAAAAAAAEF0/2R07ivWKm5g/s320/wuzzles10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then everyone died.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And that's The Wuzzles I guess. <br />
<br />
Or rather, that<i> was </i>The Wuzzles. Now I'm sad that this wasn't the last episode, because that would make one hell of a series ender.<br />
<br />
<br />
<hr /><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Taking an endangered animal from its habitat is a-okay, just as long as you don't seek to profit from it!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
Okay, obviously there are reasons why this didn't catch on, but it's not terribly bad. In fact, I can honestly say that there are parts of this cartoon that are pretty entertaining. It's just not as good as it should've been.<br />
<br />
For starters, let me say what's good. The cartoon's strongest points are easily the animation and the setting. The Land of Wuz has a laid-back feeling to it, and the animation is incredibly cartoony and fluid. Bumblelion in particular gets some great takes and some very fluid movements, and you gotta love the designs on all of these characters. The characters, even though there's a lot of them, all have their own distinct personalities, and you can obviously tell them apart. <br />
<br />
I think, oddly, what might be the thing that's hurting it is probably the stakes. Even DuckTales and Gummi Bears, you got some sense that something was in danger, and if the heroes didn't do something, something terrible was going to happen. Here, I'm pretty sure if the heroes just left Crock alone, that flock of bullfinches would've found him and took care of him themselves. I think it might be because of the product of the time, because I noticed that compared to the cartoons that followed after this, there was a lot less physical violence and a lot more focus on friendship. <br />
<br />
Another weird thing is kind of the logic that they used for this episode. I know, I know, it's a cartoon, and zany schemes are to be expected, but the complete subversion of the moral and the fact that the heroes suffered no consequences from their bad idea just seems really weird. Yeah, let's take this egg out of the forest, but oh man, that bad guy did the same thing, only he's doing it out of greed! No, <i>both</i> options are wrong. Butterbear tried to address that but I felt like the characters kind of ignored her and in turn, ignored the message. If you're gonna have a moral, go all the way and have that moral instead of flip-flopping unless you're doing it for laughs, and even then, you have to be careful to make sure it doesn't look half-assed like this did. I think it's probably the tone of the show, mind. It's obvious they're aiming this at little kids, when with DuckTales and Darkwing Duck, they'll tell some jokes that end up flying over the kids' heads. <br />
<br />
But then again, maybe it was just this episode in particular. I'll be honest, but I really didn't care for this plot in particular, especially since it had some weird double standards between the heroes and the villains, and I felt that we didn't get to know our main characters very well, but that might change if I see a different episode that isn't so much focused on "Aww, look at the cute little eggy!". The bullfinch was pretty boring and had a generic baby design, and I guess the mom had some laughs, but it kind of felt like nothing happened in this episode that was particularly noteworthy.<br />
<br />
All in all, it's cute, but at least here, it lacked meat and the episode didn't make sense in a bad way. I can't honestly say that it'll place in my list of best Disney Afternoon shows, but I at least like the animation a lot and I would consider giving this show a second look. <br />
<br />
Just so long as it's not this episode, because man, Eleroo and Rhinokey sucked in this episode.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-3395961812095089722012-01-11T17:54:00.001-08:002012-03-09T11:04:24.084-08:00The New Adventures of Batman - A Sweet Joke On Gotham CityNow, before anyone gets excited about this title, this is the 1970's Batman. I think for my blog, I'm going to intentionally talk about every Batman show <i>except</i> for Batman: The Animated Series. I have nothing against Batman: The Animated Series; in fact, my opinion of it is practically the same as anyone else's on the Internet in that it's one of the greatest series known to man. It's just that why talk about an episode everyone's seen and discussed in detail when I can talk about THIS:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JDbP_bdb0hg/TwvqhphAxTI/AAAAAAAAD1g/dujEEqheReE/s1600/batmanseventies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="285" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JDbP_bdb0hg/TwvqhphAxTI/AAAAAAAAD1g/dujEEqheReE/s400/batmanseventies.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh <i>hell</i> yes.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Ah yes, the era of Batman that most fans like to forget about. It's an era of bleak, indescribable campiness, an era that decides that Robin can't go through a sentence without going "Holy <object relating to what's happening>" or Batman can't do something without pressing his fists on his hips and thrusting his pecs forward for the villains to behold. And yes, I know, <i>all </i>cartoons were like this during this era (again, anyone who rags on cartoons nowadays being mindless are full of crap; they have <i>nothing</i> on these cartoons) and I'm well-aware that I'm looking this through the eyes of someone who's watched character-driven shows like Batman: The Animated Series, but still. <br />
<br />
Anyways, for a little backstory, since I'm sure most people here probably wisely only stuck to the<i> good </i>Batman series. Back in the 1960's, there was an incredibly ground-breaking but incredibly campy live-action television series detailing the adventures of Batman and his young ward. After it's cancellation, Filmation followed the adventures and made superhero show after superhero show after superhero show. Seriously, the volume of cartoons that were made in the 60's and 70's is downright unbelievable by today's standards. In fact, Filmation actually had cancelled superhero shows they had in production in order to rush other superhero shows out to the public. <br />
<br />
And they just kept making show after show after show of the DC superheroes. Course, according to most DC fans nowadays, none of these shows exist because, well, much better shows have come out since then. Why talk about the Superfriends if the Justice League exists? <br />
<br />
I'm going to put it simply. Because this show is<b> insane</b>. The writing is insane, the situations are insane, the leaps to conclusion and the use of logic is insane. Everything is insane, and that makes this show instantly unforgettable because it just operates in a completely different world from the world we mere mortals live in. Oh sure, Mad Love might drive you to tears and Heart of Ice might've won an Emmy, but you know what those two episodes didn't have? Robin wearing a fat suit and complaining about eating chocolate. I rest my case.<br />
<br />
Still not convinced? Okay then. In this show, Batman's voiced by ADAM WEST. If that doesn't convince you to read this, nothing will. Buuuut I don't want to give too much away. Break out the toothpaste, the dental floss, and the mouthwash, because we're going to see...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>A Sweet Joke On Gotham City</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JDbP_bdb0hg/TwvqhphAxTI/AAAAAAAAD1g/dujEEqheReE/s1600/batmanseventies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JDbP_bdb0hg/TwvqhphAxTI/AAAAAAAAD1g/dujEEqheReE/s320/batmanseventies.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><br />
Airdate:</b> 1977</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: green;">On DVD.</span></div><br />
<br />
Now, before I start talking about this actual cartoon (and believe me, I really want to get started on this insanity), I had to touch upon the oddly subdued and uninspired intro. Instead of having some sort of catchy theme song, Batman, Robin, and Bat-Mite (who got equal billing in this show) basically narrate to us about how they're going to take the audience on exotic adventures while fighting Gotham's greatest enemies while a high school jazz band blares out some decently superheroish but instantly forgettable tunes. <br />
<br />
I just want to point out three things about this intro. One, it's bland as all hell, with most of the action coming from Batman and Robin riding around on boats and planes, burning up precious fossil fuels instead of actually fighting any villains. Two, Batgirl's in this, which is mildly interesting, I guess. Three, The Riddler and Catwoman are hilariously off-model and, in Riddler's case, he doesn't even show up in this cartoon, making his appearance in the intro a big fat lie.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hfZixhG_BPw/Tw4p2zoIidI/AAAAAAAAD1o/M5-L2TYn6gQ/s1600/filmationbatman+%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hfZixhG_BPw/Tw4p2zoIidI/AAAAAAAAD1o/M5-L2TYn6gQ/s320/filmationbatman+%25283%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, that is seriously The Riddler and Catwoman right there. I guess it's laundry day.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We kick off this episode by teleporting to Commissioner Gordon's office, where it turns out that things are rotten in the state of Gotham City. Now, before any veterans of Batman: The Animated Series or any of the films gets all excited and thinks it involves embellishment, banks being destroyed, or boats being held hostage in order to be some sort of philosophical example, it turns out that Gordon called Adam West and Burt Ward to his office because...he got a special box of valentines from one of the supervillains in town. Uh, okay. And before you rationalize that this city breeds some sick freaks and even the most innocuous of objects can be laced with arsenic, it's <i>just</i> a box of valentines. <b>Scary</b>.<br />
<br />
Fortunately, while this box of contained manliness is totally harmless, it also contains both a really silly Valentine's Day rhyme and a voice recording of Sweet Tooth, our villain for the day, that tells Batman that he's going to attack the city while peppering his speech with candy, sweet, and chocolate puns. Already I can hazard a guess as to why I never heard of Sweet Tooth even when I know of people like Crazy Quilt and Ratcatcher. It takes a spectacular kind of fail to send city-wide threats on a <i>candygram</i>.<br />
<br />
And, just in case you were thinking about trying to<b> like</b> this character, Sweet Tooth sounds like a lawyer-friendly version of Paul Lynde, aka one of the most recognizable flamboyantly gay voices in existence. Someone in the recording studio thought that a voice that stand-up comedians usually imitate for their Queer Eye jokes would be perfect for a Batman villain. Considering his pink hair and his candy motif, I'm guessing this was totally intentional. <i>Stay classy</i>, Filmation.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ktdaHyh5yuY/Tw4qCdkzXrI/AAAAAAAAD1w/rvlmciMR_SE/s1600/filmationbatman+%25284%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ktdaHyh5yuY/Tw4qCdkzXrI/AAAAAAAAD1w/rvlmciMR_SE/s320/filmationbatman+%25284%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So he hates Batman and Robin but he spent all that time and energy making <br />
a cute little box with light-up hearts and everything...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>What's the reaction our heroes have for this pink object of pure fail? Why, Dick Grayson gets to raise one arm (and only one arm; he's too stiff to perform any other action) and say "Sweet Tooth can only mean sour things for Gotham City!". Why do I get the feeling that half of this post is going to be me reiterating the absolutely dumbass things these characters say?<br />
<br />
This dialogue also implies that they've fought this villain before. Personally, I would've loved to have seen an episode where Batman first meets Sweet Tooth, laughs his ass off, and then realizes the man with the three chins, bright pink hair, and sailor cap is totally being serious. It was probably the highlight of his career. <br />
<br />
Incidentally, why is everyone so pissed off by Sweet Tooth? Most of Batman's villains have themes that aren't exactly appetizing like poison ivy, killer clowns, and crippling OCD with riddles; a candy-themed villain sounds like a total blast from my perspective.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bGGaiY6HUCg/Tw4qC-lWvlI/AAAAAAAAD14/e2p3euTFiOw/s1600/filmationbatman+%25285%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bGGaiY6HUCg/Tw4qC-lWvlI/AAAAAAAAD14/e2p3euTFiOw/s320/filmationbatman+%25285%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh geez, this asshole again? Can we phone The Joker and fight him instead?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After Dick delivers that line, the camera zooms in on one of Gotham's many abandoned buildings. Today, our poorly guarded building for the day is going to be some sort of processing plant that's happens to be Gotham City's main source of water, a building so important that there are no guards, no security cameras, and no gates blocking any illegal entry. Because yeah, to hell with security! It's not like there are crazed supervillains who would love to taint the water supply! I bet the citizens of Gotham City are used the faint taste of bitter almonds in their tap water by now. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lssAsMSev0A/Tw4qDAbenBI/AAAAAAAAD2A/vKzB6eiLSkY/s1600/filmationbatman+%25286%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lssAsMSev0A/Tw4qDAbenBI/AAAAAAAAD2A/vKzB6eiLSkY/s320/filmationbatman+%25286%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
But then, our villains show up. With a bizarre inability to function without cramming their faces and bodies that look like they belong on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man instead of a Batman villain, Sweet Tooth and his children (which disturbingly means that Sweet Tooth has had sex multiple times) boat their way towards the source of their evil schemes while looking absolutely ridiculous while doing it. By the time his fat crotchnuggets congratulated him for his schemes, that's when it hit me that <i>this</i> is our villain and <i>this</i> is what Batman is facing. And then, I cried bitter, bitter tears.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I5o910TWAxU/Tw4qDjzQVxI/AAAAAAAAD2I/NjH6QGYVdpk/s1600/filmationbatman+%25287%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I5o910TWAxU/Tw4qDjzQVxI/AAAAAAAAD2I/NjH6QGYVdpk/s320/filmationbatman+%25287%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-O_KPVCKE0k4/Tw4qER9_uPI/AAAAAAAAD2Q/D36eCor8SBg/s1600/filmationbatman+%25288%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-O_KPVCKE0k4/Tw4qER9_uPI/AAAAAAAAD2Q/D36eCor8SBg/s320/filmationbatman+%25288%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Augustus Gloop, after his traumatic factory accident, dyed his hair pink and turned to a life of crime.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>These heart attacks waiting to happen have an ingenious plan for this poor city. Sweet Tooth has made a pill that turns all of the water in Gotham City's water supply into chocolate syrup.<i> Oooh, that villainous slimeball!</i><br />
<br />
...I hate to say it, but while a pill that magically turns an entire city's water supply into chocolate syrup<b> is </b>pretty damn awesome, but it has better uses than a supervillain's plot. Just think of the production costs The Hershey Company and Nestle could save if they had a small pill that could turn vast quantities of water into chocolate. Hate to say it, Sweet Tooth, but you really could be making faster, easier, and more Batman-free money if you just patented that crap and sold it to the highest bidder. What a dumbass.<br />
<br />
And how the hell did he even invent that sort of miraculous pill? They never give any backstory on this guy or even what his previous job is so my mind is constantly trying to fill in the blanks. Is this guy one of the leading scientists of chocolate-based technology? Does he have a PhD in Confectionology?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Kovc37R7Pjc/Tw4qEjXe9pI/AAAAAAAAD2Y/jTxJMj6f74g/s1600/filmationbatman+%25289%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Kovc37R7Pjc/Tw4qEjXe9pI/AAAAAAAAD2Y/jTxJMj6f74g/s320/filmationbatman+%25289%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, you can practically hear the fat sloshing through their bloodstreams...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But no, he's not going to sell his miraculous prodigy of science and instead go through with his whole "be a dick to the suffering people of Gotham" plan. And, to sweeten the deal (sorry), he even has an "electronic computer lock" that controls all of the water supply and keeps the chocolate flowing, just in case they actually use the city government efficiently in this episode (fat chance of that happening, no pun intended) and try to strike the syrup down from the source. If they want their water back, they're going to have to pay Sweet Tooth the sum that he demands. It must be Tuesday in Gotham City.<br />
<br />
I just want to say that I<b> hate </b>the angles Filmation uses for this guy. I'm not sure why we need a worm's eye view of his crotch, cartoon. I get the fact that this man is morbidly obese without needing to see where the party is.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kyPTPNBTxLA/Tw4qEz5K5UI/AAAAAAAAD2g/kgYQoAofhuM/s1600/filmationbatman+%252810%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kyPTPNBTxLA/Tw4qEz5K5UI/AAAAAAAAD2g/kgYQoAofhuM/s320/filmationbatman+%252810%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like to think that his medical exams end with the doctor shouting "How are you still alive!? <br />
Your blood has the same consistency as butter!".</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So we leave our laughably pathetic fat man and, while an oddly isolated "Written by Mark Fink" credit floats on by, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson are in a park and find that the water has, indeed, been turned into chocolate syrup. They even survey the damage this is causing. What, are the water pipes being jammed up and are exploding in random apartments, killing civilians? Is the chocolate running into the ocean, decimating the local fishing industries? Are diabetics everywhere going into shock just by taking a shower? No! Children are ruining their teeth and their health by drinking chocolate syrup instead of water. GASP.<br />
<br />
No, seriously, that's the only thing they're worried about. That kids are eating too much chocolate. This is the only problem they can think of for if someone changed all the water into chocolate in a bustling city, and yet Batman is still treating this like a ticking time bomb, as if the children in Gotham City don't have parental supervision and will just continue gorging themselves on free chocolate until their stomachs explode.<br />
<br />
And personally, considering these children live in freaking <i>Gotham City</i>, a diseased bullet-ridden hellhole full of serial killers, mobsters, mutants, people with severe mental disorders, and some of the most poorly guarded asylums and prisons in the entire country, these kids deserve a day where chocolate pours out of the pipes.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w6i6qiZZ4Dc/Tw4sWSkAc7I/AAAAAAAAD2o/1jhX3z3glZQ/s1600/filmationbatman+%252811%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w6i6qiZZ4Dc/Tw4sWSkAc7I/AAAAAAAAD2o/1jhX3z3glZQ/s320/filmationbatman+%252811%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Chocolate Rain<br />
Some stay dry and others feel the pain</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>But in fairness to Batman here, judging from the expressions of one of the children, there's more than just <i>chocolate</i> in that water supply. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HVKrGpcsOFc/Tw4sWxo1r4I/AAAAAAAAD2s/FLpqibkwl78/s1600/filmationbatman+%252812%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HVKrGpcsOFc/Tw4sWxo1r4I/AAAAAAAAD2s/FLpqibkwl78/s320/filmationbatman+%252812%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Dude, I'm tripping balls!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since Bruce Wayne isn't going to, you know, stop those kids from drinking the contaminated water (and they should thank their lucky stars that Sweet Tooth's the villain of the day and not a villain who actually uses neurotoxins), we find ourselves back at Wayne Manor. And aren't we lucky, because we get to see one of the main gimmicks of the show arise. While Batman tells Robin to hand him the Bat Oil (because what's a Batman cartoon without the word Bat stuck onto mundane objects?), Bat-Mite appears and says that he wants to help. <br />
<br />
Let me just sum up Bat-Mite in one word: <b>godawful</b>. Even if you ignore the fact that we now live in an era where Brave and the Bold exists and Bat-Mite's a lot more entertaining there, Bat-Mite just plain unlikeable because he's the basic "cute, annoying sidekick with mystical powers that talks in a falsetto voice and exists for comedy relief" character that popped up all the damn time in Hannah Barbera and Filmation cartoons. This era just had a weird obsession with the teleporting cutesy characters and they're almost never charming. I have to wonder if there were children growing up on these cartoons that developed a form of paranoia where they believed they were being stalked by invisible levitating midgets with green skin.<br />
<br />
Oh, and Batman has a weird obsession with calling him "Li'l fella". It's a cute nickname, but the way Batman says it, he just totally draws out the words like his mind's still trying to come to grips with the fact that he has to live with a strange alien that's constantly stalking him and telling him that he's his greatest fan. It's like if the nerds at Comic-Con had frightening, supernatural abilities. No one needs to live with that!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4o1lO6mCCGs/Tw4sXYHuuwI/AAAAAAAAD20/P1ms6CH7NF8/s1600/filmationbatman+%252813%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4o1lO6mCCGs/Tw4sXYHuuwI/AAAAAAAAD20/P1ms6CH7NF8/s320/filmationbatman+%252813%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iSseElbRT8Y/Tw4sX-K6W5I/AAAAAAAAD28/nw0vPwQOTNE/s320/filmationbatman+%252814%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bat-Mite and Sweet Tooth go to the same dentist, apparently.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>So our dynamic duo drives off in their awesome Batmobile, both of them silently hoping that Bat-Mite chokes to death on a ballpoint pen offscreen. During their scenic drive where they're literally the only car on the road (I'm guessing the city had to be evacuated from this terrible chocolate disaster), they pass by a fire hydrant that exploded and is filling the air with creamy brown goodness. To Batman, that's somehow a sign that there isn't much time for Gotham City. Man, Bruce Wayne really hates chocolate. <br />
<br />
Although the fire hydrant shooting out chocolate just reminds me of the fact that <i>all</i> of the indoor plumbing in Gotham is now chocolate-filled. Including the toilets and showers. Suddenly, Sweet Tooth's plan has a little bit more malice in it when you picture someone using a toilet with chocolate syrup instead of water. And I apologize in advance if you happened to be eating anything when you pictured that.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-unk79vgUvAs/Tw4sYQLp49I/AAAAAAAAD3E/4vSu-4JBqHk/s1600/filmationbatman+%252815%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-unk79vgUvAs/Tw4sYQLp49I/AAAAAAAAD3E/4vSu-4JBqHk/s320/filmationbatman+%252815%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Plus, think of the insects that would attract. Sweet Tooth is a sick, sick man.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Suddenly, while they're driving along, Bat-Mite saves them from being flattened by a giant piece of caramel!<br />
<br />
...no, you read that correctly and I didn't just randomly hit my keyboard with my forehead until that sentence appeared. Bat-Mite teleports out of nowhere, stands in front of the Batmobile, and by distracting them long enough with his annoyance instead of <i>telling</i> them about the trap he was protecting them from, he ends up saving Batman and Robin's lives. Weak.<br />
<br />
But man, just think of what would've happened if Bat-Mite didn't come in time and falling piece of caramel trap worked. It would be rather ironic if, after getting his back broken by Bane, after surviving all of The Joker's traps, and after getting shot at by dozens of murderous supervillains and mobsters, <i>that's</i> the thing that kills Batman. It would make one hell of a tombstone, that's for sure.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h2y02SMcsmc/Tw4sZHpS_kI/AAAAAAAAD3M/XVUZSfnJv5Y/s1600/filmationbatman+%252816%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h2y02SMcsmc/Tw4sZHpS_kI/AAAAAAAAD3M/XVUZSfnJv5Y/s320/filmationbatman+%252816%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-derW9-hEzts/Tw4sZsVdL8I/AAAAAAAAD3Y/wp9iaXoXwRw/s1600/filmationbatman+%252817%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-derW9-hEzts/Tw4sZsVdL8I/AAAAAAAAD3Y/wp9iaXoXwRw/s320/filmationbatman+%252817%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, look at those bustling city streets! Millions of lives are at stake here!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With a "It's a <b>GIANT, SOFT</b>, caramel candy, Batman!" from Robin (emphasis and all), the superheroes deduce that it obviously came from Sweet Tooth, since only that fatass would try to kill them with something that lame and nonthreatening. At least the hobos of that street are going to eat well tonight.<br />
<br />
The note stuck to the caramel only seals the deal. Yes, my friends. Right before Sweet Tooth somehow launched a several hundred pound block of caramel at his worst enemy, he actually stuck a piece of paper on it and somehow the note remained totally legible and obtainable despite this. Do the writers of this show ever read their screenplays out loud? Explain<i> this</i>, Mark Fink! <br />
<br />
You know, this also just seems like a waste of good caramel instead of a decent death trap. I'm sure if Sweet Tooth decorated a machine gun with lollipop and chocolate bar decals, it'll fit with his motif just as well. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kUXj9UJZ-5E/Tw4vKlebw4I/AAAAAAAAD3g/2WPP1WE7hcI/s1600/filmationbatman+%252818%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kUXj9UJZ-5E/Tw4vKlebw4I/AAAAAAAAD3g/2WPP1WE7hcI/s320/filmationbatman+%252818%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes. This makes total sense.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>What does the note say? Just "I'm up here, suckers", because Sweet Tooth needs to remind me why I hate him so much. Okay, seriously, this asshole just tried to kill the heroes with a piece of caramel and he somehow felt the need to work in one more candy-related pun into his death trap. There's sticking to a theme and then there's just needlessly punching that theme in the balls. I'm sure Two-Face doesn't have to leave sticky notes saying "Get it? My face is like this coin!" when he tries to kill Batman with a giant penny.<br />
<br />
And that note's just pointless. What, you mean the bad guy is hiding out in the same building that launched the giant piece of caramel? That's just madness!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bW6zNkRuu8o/Tw4vKzPSf-I/AAAAAAAAD3o/I4KRae3AvhU/s1600/filmationbatman+%252819%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bW6zNkRuu8o/Tw4vKzPSf-I/AAAAAAAAD3o/I4KRae3AvhU/s320/filmationbatman+%252819%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Dear Batman, while you're reading this, I'm launching a second giant piece of caramel at you. <br />
Have fun dying. Hugs and kisses, Sweet Tooth."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Batman and Robin climb up the building with their various grappling hooks (summoning as much rotoscoped stock footage from the intro as possible) so they can meet up with Fatass McBlubberstein and ask for his demands while Sweet Tooth clutches one of his many love-handles and laughs profusely. <br />
<br />
I'm probably going to say this a lot, but is it me or is Sweet Tooth just really not threatening? Yes, you can make the argument that villains like The Penguin and The Ventriloquist (aka two characters that appeared on more "Worst Batman Villains" list than this guy, which is just<b> sad</b>) are pathetic and laughable, but they at least have guns and minions at their disposal. Sweet Tooth's armed with a goddamn lollipop and looks like he's about ready to die from Type 2 Diabetes. This is the man that other supervillains like to stand next to in order to make themselves feel better about themselves by comparison. People like Killer Moth and Calendar Man point at Sweet Tooth and go "Man, I'm glad I'm not that guy!".<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aEo_G5RVdwo/Tw4vLhtTj4I/AAAAAAAAD3w/lfqBGZBtxvE/s1600/filmationbatman+%252820%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aEo_G5RVdwo/Tw4vLhtTj4I/AAAAAAAAD3w/lfqBGZBtxvE/s320/filmationbatman+%252820%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't think Batman even needs to throw a punch. All he has to do is wait <br />
for Sweet Tooth's heart to explode.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anyways, what does the fatass want? Ten million dollars. Again, I'm pretty sure that if he can make a several hundred pound of caramel as a weapon and fill an entire city's pipes with chocolate, he could make way more money than that with a deal with Hershey alone, but it's already been established that Sweet Tooth's kind of an idiot. <br />
<br />
There's a scene where it's originally five million dollars until Robin opens his big mouth and insults the rotund villain, but really, I just want to illustrate the difference between the heroes and the villain here. One side has able-bodied young men, even if Batman looks like he's squatting down and ready to take a crap, and the other side has someone that The Biggest Loser would love to have on their show. Why is Sweet Tooth, who isn't even armed with anything more lethal than a stomachache, even a problem in a city where Bane and Killer Croc exist? The only defense I can see on him is the fact that his body looks like it was built for maximum punch absorbency. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gi5ytYuCV2E/Tw4vLyPMckI/AAAAAAAAD34/5r6SUdkGewc/s1600/filmationbatman+%252821%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gi5ytYuCV2E/Tw4vLyPMckI/AAAAAAAAD34/5r6SUdkGewc/s320/filmationbatman+%252821%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B9AiQ-t2ehE/Tw4vMa4P7mI/AAAAAAAAD4A/eq8Do1nWrlg/s1600/filmationbatman+%252822%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B9AiQ-t2ehE/Tw4vMa4P7mI/AAAAAAAAD4A/eq8Do1nWrlg/s320/filmationbatman+%252822%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Sucking too hard on your lollipop<br />
Oh, loves gonna get you down<br />
Sucking too hard on your lollipop<br />
Oh, loves gonna get you down</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Right when Batman is about ready to discover just how far he can ram his fist into Sweet Tooth's gut and whether it <i>is</i> just like fighting a giant gummi bear, our grotesquely fat villain then pulls a steaming turd of a booby trap out of his ass. It turns out the ledge Batman and Robin are standing on is a graham cracker, and right when he says that, they fall. <br />
<br />
...okay, several things. First of all, why the hell didn't the graham cracker break as soon as Batman and Robin stepped on it? Second, how was Sweet Tooth able to replace the concrete ledge with graham cracker without anyone noticing? And seriously, how come that graham cracker is the same thickness as concrete and looks just like concrete? <br />
<br />
Finally, graham crackers aren't really candy, but now I'm just nitpicking. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mR4x5Q8I2nE/Tw4vMgo81HI/AAAAAAAAD4I/rya08l9w7B0/s1600/filmationbatman+%252823%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mR4x5Q8I2nE/Tw4vMgo81HI/AAAAAAAAD4I/rya08l9w7B0/s320/filmationbatman+%252823%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kFu9WFMVn0A/Tw4vNCFoTlI/AAAAAAAAD4Q/mk7oBEbuK0I/s1600/filmationbatman+%252824%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kFu9WFMVn0A/Tw4vNCFoTlI/AAAAAAAAD4Q/mk7oBEbuK0I/s320/filmationbatman+%252824%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This reminds me of when I was little and I would play superheroes with my friends. "Hah, you couldn't <br />
beat me because the floor turned into graham crackers and you fell down!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But don't worry, guys. Batman and Robin are totally fine, because the Batmobile can just spit out a trampoline at the press of a Bat Belt button. Hooray for old cartoon props!<br />
<br />
...a really ineffective-looking trampoline that Batman and Robin need to be falling at that exact spot for it to work (if they're off by just a foot, they're kissing pavement, that's how precise this thing needs to be) and doesn't even look like it would logically fit in that car, but hey, it managed to save them at least. Not sure why they couldn't just use their goddamn grappling hooks from earlier but I guess they needed to show off one of the Batmobile's many features for the kiddies so they can go run to their nearest parental figure and beg for toys that now fetch hundreds of dollars on eBay.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l2c2OPK68DU/Tw5dvU562oI/AAAAAAAAD4Y/ths3VaeZsuE/s1600/filmationbatman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l2c2OPK68DU/Tw5dvU562oI/AAAAAAAAD4Y/ths3VaeZsuE/s320/filmationbatman.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Only available while supplies last! Order today! <br />
Operators are standing by, must be 18 or older to call.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So the caped crusader and his underaged boy of a sidekick, now kind of pissed that they let a man with pink hair outsmart them, run after Lardass McLardBody, which leads me to wonder just how the hell Sweet Tooth is able to outrun freaking<i> <b>Batman</b>. </i>He has at least a whole building lead on the guys, and he didn't even start running until after they were rescued by the trampoline. Sweet Tooth should have the wind knocked out of him just for running while being so full of chocolate; the idea that Batman and Robin can't catch him on foot is insulting to my intelligence. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uNGCxYqhYgQ/Tw5dvsTbM-I/AAAAAAAAD4g/YkMkDN-Dgy0/s1600/filmationbatman1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uNGCxYqhYgQ/Tw5dvsTbM-I/AAAAAAAAD4g/YkMkDN-Dgy0/s320/filmationbatman1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And he has great balance for a fat man.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, to add insult to injury, Bat-Mite teleports out of nowhere, sees that people are still legitimately enjoying this cartoon, and then decides to crap everything up (as if there's some unwritten rule where Bat-Mite must not have any redeeming qualities at all for maximum cuteness) and let Sweet Tooth get away. I think this character exists just so children learn how to hate fictional characters. Maybe there's a reason why I can't find any 1970's Bat-Mite toys on eBay; kids probably burned them, hoping that by doing so, they can perform a complicated act of voodoo and free Batman from his curse. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-N4oXP9J-CSU/Tw5dwM8VzeI/AAAAAAAAD4o/2K8XVPQQFys/s1600/filmationbatman2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-N4oXP9J-CSU/Tw5dwM8VzeI/AAAAAAAAD4o/2K8XVPQQFys/s320/filmationbatman2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ta dadada ta daaa! Puppy power!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Instead of dwelling too long on how a four hundred pound man managed to outrun The Dark Knight, a man who went through rigorous physical training in order to fight crime, they go check up on Barbara and her unprofessional miniskirt to see if her state-of-the-art 70's computer has anything on Sweet Tooth's biggest weakness. You know, besides exercise, flights of stairs, and vegetables. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cfvaCqIMXVQ/Tw5dxNsp47I/AAAAAAAAD4w/k2hKvn9rbqo/s1600/filmationbatman3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cfvaCqIMXVQ/Tw5dxNsp47I/AAAAAAAAD4w/k2hKvn9rbqo/s320/filmationbatman3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dials and giant maps on the wall? This computer <i>must</i> be futuristic!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>No, instead his weak spot is a specific type of cookie (and really, considering the way Sweet Tooth eats, wouldn't it be more logical to assume that he's going to stuff anything cookie-related in his face without discrimination?), and the computer demonstrates this first by displaying a recipe that I hope someone used to make authentic Batman-style cookies and then shooting a cookie out of a floppy disc slot. <br />
<br />
This bears repeating. <b>The computer shoots a cookie out of a floppy disc slot.</b> Even before the advent of the Internet, Barbara's computer could bake cookies. Literally. <br />
<br />
...why can't my computer do that!? Now I'm jealous and hope that this is an included feature on the Wii U.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d2OKedT5I0s/Tw5dxV-Z3JI/AAAAAAAAD44/wKQDdlphYW0/s1600/filmationbatman4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d2OKedT5I0s/Tw5dxV-Z3JI/AAAAAAAAD44/wKQDdlphYW0/s320/filmationbatman4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lAUkQlEGTng/Tw5dx94cWaI/AAAAAAAAD5A/VgcWDBPRzac/s1600/filmationbatman5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lAUkQlEGTng/Tw5dx94cWaI/AAAAAAAAD5A/VgcWDBPRzac/s320/filmationbatman5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This computer is so advanced that it doesn't know how to spell chocolate and marshmallow!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But that's not all. Batman then has to take a bite out of the cookie and use his renowned world-saving detective skills in order to deduce what type of cookie it is. Why, it's a chocolate fudge marshmallow jelly cookie, a cookie so delicious that it has a totally unwieldy name! I'm sure your parents are proud of you, Bruce. The city's in danger (okay, the loosest definition of the word "danger", but still) and you're busy eating cookies that came out of someone's computer. What would Alfred say if he was actually in this cartoon? <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z1wQ9jJFCqs/Tw5dyjxRn8I/AAAAAAAAD5I/EjoytNaziQU/s1600/filmationbatman6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z1wQ9jJFCqs/Tw5dyjxRn8I/AAAAAAAAD5I/EjoytNaziQU/s320/filmationbatman6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I am vengeance. I am the night. I am.... HUNGRY!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So then, our next stop is the Gotham City Dump. What an appetizing place to eat cookies.<br />
<br />
Look at this trap, by the way. I realize that, considering the era, of course their technology would be less advanced than the Batman: The Animated Series version, but I was still expecting something more elaborate than sitting in the city dump with a wrapped present attached to a fishing rod. Although now, oddly, I kind of wish he did this in one of the Christopher Nolan films.<br />
<br />
By the way, I'm not sure why Barbara bothered to suit up as Batgirl for this scene, because she contributes absolutely nothing in what follows. I guess she likes randomly sitting around in decaying piles of garbage. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t5xfnndW8dE/Tw5gKTem7EI/AAAAAAAAD5Q/Hyrxaz1pT-Q/s1600/filmationbatman7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t5xfnndW8dE/Tw5gKTem7EI/AAAAAAAAD5Q/Hyrxaz1pT-Q/s320/filmationbatman7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uejMd4pMwmA/Tw5gKyrY7_I/AAAAAAAAD5Y/4jplgM7ROEU/s1600/filmationbatman8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uejMd4pMwmA/Tw5gKyrY7_I/AAAAAAAAD5Y/4jplgM7ROEU/s320/filmationbatman8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No words can describe the brilliance I see before me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Of course, Stupidly Named Waste of Oxygen arrives, because he never met a calorie he didn't like, but first, I want to point out his bus. This character may be one of the most annoying things Batman's ever had to face, but at least he knows how to pimp his ride. <br />
<br />
...and why would he even need a bus if he only has himself and his three chunky offspring? They're fat but I don't believe they're<i> that</i> fat. What, was the candy paint job just too tacky on a 1973 Camaro?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-v1W7M57Nark/Tw5gLXIW1_I/AAAAAAAAD5g/9tQjJEMwHI8/s1600/filmationbatman9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-v1W7M57Nark/Tw5gLXIW1_I/AAAAAAAAD5g/9tQjJEMwHI8/s320/filmationbatman9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm pretty sure if you made your car look like this, the government instantly registers you as a sex offender.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>By the way, but is it me or is this plan a little flawed? Because we quickly learn that the grease-soaked mockery of a supervillain showed up, not because he was told there'd be cookies (as you're lead to believe), but because he was told the ransom money was in that box. Batman already had bait. They didn't need to go to Barbara and find out any weaknesses, because that lead absolutely nowhere. The cartoon has just shamelessly wasted our time with that cookie scene earlier.<br />
<br />
Ah well, at least they catch the moron. Because Batman's fishing line can turn into a net. If you're questioning the logic behind this, then you give way more of a crap than I. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IMst_7-A4CQ/Tw5gMIDIg4I/AAAAAAAAD5o/Xz53YuksTAg/s1600/filmationbatman10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IMst_7-A4CQ/Tw5gMIDIg4I/AAAAAAAAD5o/Xz53YuksTAg/s320/filmationbatman10.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mY1qqW1OGFQ/Tw5gMpl94bI/AAAAAAAAD5w/quRknxVqk10/s1600/filmationbatman11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mY1qqW1OGFQ/Tw5gMpl94bI/AAAAAAAAD5w/quRknxVqk10/s320/filmationbatman11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, that happens to me too whenever I grab a box full of money and cookies from a city dump.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We next spot our annoying fatass in prison, and considering it's only halfway through the episode and this cartoon doesn't know the meaning of the words "pacing" or "plot twist", that instantly tells us, the audience, that Sweet Tooth is going to escape. And man, do I hate the fact that he's going to do just that, because I had way higher expectations for the Gotham City Police. <br />
<br />
And boy, is his escape method dumb as hell. His kids show up in a helicopter (because every villain in Gotham seems to have a helicopter on call) and shoot an oversized gumball of all things at the bars, destroying them and proving just how inept the building construction is in this city. And then, while Gordon and Barbara are standing there with their mouths slightly agape at the sheer amount of fail in front of them, the kids lower down a rope for Sweet Tooth to dangerously grab and hold onto, instead of doing it the smart way and actually pulling the villain into the helicopter. Gordon is so shocked by this turn of events that his brain malfunctions and the only thing he could say is<i> <b>this</b></i> is his reaction: <br />
<br />
"Sweet Tooth's kids always seem to...<i>lower </i>themselves to the occasion!" <br />
<br />
Okay. That was lame, Gordon. A villain is going to contaminate all the water in the city all over again, thus decimating the diabetic population, and you had to somehow turn that into a pun. <i>Really?</i><br />
<br />
And how the hell do those young ten-year-old kids know how to drive a goddamn <b>helicopter</b>?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jE6FVRlAEZs/Tw5gNF4Y-dI/AAAAAAAAD54/xaCDDULxu3E/s1600/filmationbatman12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jE6FVRlAEZs/Tw5gNF4Y-dI/AAAAAAAAD54/xaCDDULxu3E/s320/filmationbatman12.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YWdMKn4iPDg/Tw5gNv6zZ6I/AAAAAAAAD6A/tSFxz7QOTGE/s1600/filmationbatman13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YWdMKn4iPDg/Tw5gNv6zZ6I/AAAAAAAAD6A/tSFxz7QOTGE/s320/filmationbatman13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then he falls to his death.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Sadly, this leads to Batman once again tracking The Michelin Man down, and man, he sounds just as sickened by this turn of events as you would expect. With his fists rammed into his hips as if he's trying and failing to contain the sheer amount of rage burning inside of him, our bat-themed superhero eyes the evil masses of blubber on his Bat-Computer with utter contempt, somehow keeping track on them because he creepily installed security cameras in all of Gotham's water canals. He's so angry that he even ignores whatever inane comment happens to float out of Robin's mouth. It's <i>personal</i> now, fat man!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZK-ia1NpTRQ/Tw5gOP6fxlI/AAAAAAAAD6I/vvFr9cHEnQg/s1600/filmationbatman14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZK-ia1NpTRQ/Tw5gOP6fxlI/AAAAAAAAD6I/vvFr9cHEnQg/s320/filmationbatman14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Holy calories! These weight loss reality shows get worse every year!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The camera switches over to Sweet Tooth, despite my psychic pleas to the cartoon otherwise, and while he's busy poisoning the water supply with diabetes, one of his kids actually loses another tooth and brags about it, saying that soon he's going to look just like his hero.<br />
<br />
You know, even though I'm thoroughly annoyed by this sorry excuse for a supervillain, the fact that the cartoon's implying that Sweet Tooth only has one tooth in his entire head (why, it's almost as if his name alludes to something!) is surprisingly sad, if only because tooth decay that severe must be causing him great physical agony and could be a good excuse as to why he's such a dick. Man, now I kind of want the current Batman comics (which are really dark and gritty, especially compared to this) to revive this character, if only so they can depict a morbidly obese man driven mad by his heavily diseased and rotting mouth, with blood leaking out of his lips whenever he talks or eats. Think of the backstory they could come up with! You listening to this, Frank Miller?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gTCubmvfuI8/Tw5gO7o7a7I/AAAAAAAAD6Q/lb6eQL3ClKc/s1600/filmationbatman15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gTCubmvfuI8/Tw5gO7o7a7I/AAAAAAAAD6Q/lb6eQL3ClKc/s320/filmationbatman15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hah hah, it's funny because he's slowly dying from severe form of gingivitis! <br />
By the way, don't Google Image Search "gingivitis". Don't make the same mistake I did.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I'm just going to ignore the Bat-Mite scene that follows (because seriously, go to hell, Bat-Mite) and say that what happens next is a very boring, very by the numbers boat chase between Sweet Tooth and Batman. Bat-Mite ends up screwing up their whole plan, it turns out Sweet Tooth's boat is able to convert into a very stupid-looking submarine, and Batman is defeated because the annoying pink-haired lardass can shoot obscene amounts of whipped cream out of his boat and somehow that gums up the engine. At this point, I'll accept that. Sure, cartoon. Let one of the world's greatest cartoon heroes of all time get defeated by ice cream topping. I won't stop you, since you've already made me hate all forms of sugar. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2Q0e6DXxREI/Tw-7hlG8CRI/AAAAAAAAD6Y/ItXFzMZt13Y/s1600/filmationbatman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2Q0e6DXxREI/Tw-7hlG8CRI/AAAAAAAAD6Y/ItXFzMZt13Y/s320/filmationbatman.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-g2mqvXkjTuA/Tw-7iDx1o5I/AAAAAAAAD6g/CwyzCP351tw/s1600/filmationbatman1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-g2mqvXkjTuA/Tw-7iDx1o5I/AAAAAAAAD6g/CwyzCP351tw/s320/filmationbatman1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Let us never speak of this incident again, Robin."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, again, to add insult to injury, this scene has to end with Bat-Mite saying that he'll never eat another sundae again. Hah hah, it's funny because you're a total waste of animation and make Batman fans cry.<br />
<br />
Although I did legitimately get a laugh by how Batman and Robin treated that line with stone-cold silence. Look at Robin's face. I'm sure they believe that if they keep ignoring Bat-Mite, maybe he'll fade out of existence. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-coFfdt4o3Nc/Tw-7idIKnFI/AAAAAAAAD6o/DyGwh6gKdSQ/s1600/filmationbatman2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-coFfdt4o3Nc/Tw-7idIKnFI/AAAAAAAAD6o/DyGwh6gKdSQ/s320/filmationbatman2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the worst porno ever.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since their previous attempts at outsmarting a sentient blob of lard have failed (this really isn't making you look good, Dark Knight), Batman has a new plan for them to try. All Robin has to do is disguise himself as one of Sweet Tooth's kids, infiltrate their base of fatness, and hope that Sweet Tooth doesn't know how to count and just assumes that he magically created another offspring through meiosis. <br />
<br />
This was just the thing this cartoon needed after so many scenes that were just jammed pack full of fail before, because the scene where we first see Robin in a fat suit while Batman surveys the damage just defies all known words in the English language. Hear that sound? That's the sound of all those sick mpreg fics populating the Internet suddenly being validated.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y-cNyrOjBHk/Tw-7i9z4gMI/AAAAAAAAD6w/wSR7QVbQqzg/s1600/filmationbatman3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y-cNyrOjBHk/Tw-7i9z4gMI/AAAAAAAAD6w/wSR7QVbQqzg/s320/filmationbatman3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ladies and gentlemen, the reason why this cartoon was made.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So then we find ourselves at Sweet Tooth's hideout which is, <i>of course</i>, a giant ice cream cone-shaped building in the middle of Gotham City, because hey, Sweet Tooth had the right zoning permits so why the hell not? And judging from the interior, I'm honestly surprised that the people living in this place are still alive, because every last inch of this place is some sort of pagan shrine honoring the vengeful yet loving sugar gods. I mean, for the love of god, Sweet Tooth has honest to god paintings of pieces of candy just hanging in his house. There's keeping to a theme and then there's just full-blown insanity and Sweet Tooth totally crossed that line. <br />
<br />
But at the same time, I can't help but think that this would be the best damn place ever to throw a Super Bowl party. "Hey, guys! If you want any refreshments, just grab one of the giant, human-sized bon-bons next to the two-story cupcake."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LRgXUuIbHyA/Tw-7jcleYOI/AAAAAAAAD64/Qb7zA2D9qzk/s1600/filmationbatman4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LRgXUuIbHyA/Tw-7jcleYOI/AAAAAAAAD64/Qb7zA2D9qzk/s320/filmationbatman4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?<br />
Eating as much as an elephant eats?<br />
What are you at getting terribly fat?<br />
What do you think will come of that?<br />
I don't like the look of it</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>In a room labelled classroom, implying a possible origin story if you squint (Sweet Tooth as a fired Health Sciences Professor who later turned to obsessive snacking to fill the void in his life would make the character more interesting), we hear that Fat Albert plans to strike a chocolate factory next. Because he's fat and he must steal chocolate even though he<i> just goddamn turned the water supply into chocolate and there's a ton of readily available chocolate for <b>free</b> now</i>. For crying out loud, Sweet Tooth, use your brain instead of your stomach for once!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-22ay1rvpWuo/Tw-7jjyQ_-I/AAAAAAAAD7A/PGXfBrEtyrY/s1600/filmationbatman5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-22ay1rvpWuo/Tw-7jjyQ_-I/AAAAAAAAD7A/PGXfBrEtyrY/s320/filmationbatman5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And his teaching baton is a candy cane! Get it? Because he's <i>fat.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>While this shameless display of clogged arteries is assaulting our eyes, we also get to see Robin, hiding out in the back of the classroom totally unnoticed because Sweet Tooth can't count to three, take a bite out of a candy bar and then complain that how the hell they can eat this stuff. I understand if they were trying to give us some sort of moral about overeating (and really, this cartoon is not exactly subtle; this is <i>exactly</i> what it's trying to do), but the way they keep presenting it, it sounds more like just a small dose of chocolate is enough to make you balloon out. The way Dick Grayson is going on about this candy bar, it makes it sound like he just plain hates candy. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pvFvjvirlJk/Tw-7keJIBLI/AAAAAAAAD7I/JqUKDDJ2pCM/s1600/filmationbatman6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pvFvjvirlJk/Tw-7keJIBLI/AAAAAAAAD7I/JqUKDDJ2pCM/s320/filmationbatman6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"A candy bar shot my parents."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So, while Sweet Tooth is still within earshot by the way, Robin leans over and rather conspicuously tells Batman where the bad guy's going to strike next by practically shouting into his wristwatch. I don't think Dick gets the concept of "going undercover" if this is the most discreet he can manage. It's a good thing he's dealing with a massively brainless idiot or else this never would've worked. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ys1g6sDEGtE/Tw_Am5OEFyI/AAAAAAAAD7Q/QRKp8mSZ6z0/s1600/filmationbatman7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ys1g6sDEGtE/Tw_Am5OEFyI/AAAAAAAAD7Q/QRKp8mSZ6z0/s320/filmationbatman7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"SWEET TOOTH IS GOING TO STRIKE THE CANDY FACTORY AND TWO PM TOMORROW. I REPEAT-"<br />
"Hey, my mysterious fourth child I've never seen until just today, could you keep it down? <br />
I haven't said enough candy puns yet."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, since this needs to happen once an episode, Robin ends up getting captured by the main bad guy while he's discovering where the electric computer lock is hidden. Because, as demonstrated earlier, Robin's idea of being unnoticeable is yelling into a wristwatch and then, immediately afterwards, rooting through Sweet Tooth's office. It was like he was <i>begging</i> to be captured. <br />
<br />
But in fairness to Robin, the plan really was quite stupid, since he was, you know, trying to disguise himself as a son that doesn't exist and hoped that no one noticed him. <br />
<br />
...wait, if Sweet Tooth is a walking gay stereotype (and considering his color scheme and voice, he <i>is</i>) but has children, does this mean this cartoon is showing gay adoption in a positive light? Okay, "positive" is used rather loosely here what with the constant teeth loss, but the kids seem happy enough, if a little overfed. I take back everything mean I've said about Sweet Tooth if this is the case here. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iiLxau-CZOM/Tw_AnXzIudI/AAAAAAAAD7Y/RmULlR-OmsE/s1600/filmationbatman8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iiLxau-CZOM/Tw_AnXzIudI/AAAAAAAAD7Y/RmULlR-OmsE/s320/filmationbatman8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Uh, I was just shouting into my watch after looking at your secret computer lock <br />
that's protecting your evil scheme. That's not suspicious at all."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Of course Adam West hears the resulting scuffle over the watch transmitter thing, so he's well-aware that he has to go save his young ward's ineffective ass. You gotta love Batman's face when he says "Dick's in real trouble. I gotta save him.", by the way. He's just so <i>happy </i>that people are holding Robin hostage<i>.</i> Saving his useless dead weight in his life must be the best part of his day.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PRgLuLOAG-k/Tw_Anym6y1I/AAAAAAAAD7g/_lUjzwgXaRk/s1600/filmationbatman9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PRgLuLOAG-k/Tw_Anym6y1I/AAAAAAAAD7g/_lUjzwgXaRk/s320/filmationbatman9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Batman's an asshole, I've noticed.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It doesn't take long for Batman to arrives at the Maison de Dent Douce, and who happens to greet him but Bat-Mite. When faced with a thick wall of idiocy, Batman does what any sane man should do when confronted with Bat-Mite; he ignores the hell out of him and continues on his way as if nothing ever happened.<br />
<br />
And then starts scaling a giant ice cream cone while treating it with stone cold seriousness, because <i>shut up</i>, he's Batman.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QXElPzdEXek/Tw_AovCTRlI/AAAAAAAAD7o/DS5MMbKaAWg/s1600/filmationbatman10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QXElPzdEXek/Tw_AovCTRlI/AAAAAAAAD7o/DS5MMbKaAWg/s320/filmationbatman10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Commissioner, I need chocolate sprinkles. Repeat, I need chocolate sprinkles."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And the death trap for today, which is located at the top of the cone because apparently Sweet Tooth is rich enough to own a skyscraper-sized tower that looks like an ice cream cone (again, some backstory would be mighty handy right about now), happens to be a giant chocolate bar making conveyer belt surrounded by candy canes and licorice rope that leads to a giant vat of chocolate. <br />
<br />
...that actually sounds kind of fun and not at all threatening, now that I think about it. The chocolate isn't even searing hot and, when we see Robin fall in, the chocolate level barely goes to his waist, meaning that Sweet Tooth just doesn't get the concept of "death trap". I know there's some recipes for cakes called Death By Chocolate but still...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GZmvs6qcGi4/Tw_Ao-Z9hkI/AAAAAAAAD7w/nuo8TW3YsxQ/s1600/filmationbatman11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GZmvs6qcGi4/Tw_Ao-Z9hkI/AAAAAAAAD7w/nuo8TW3YsxQ/s320/filmationbatman11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aaaaand there goes my ability to take Nightwing seriously ever again...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Batman of course saves Robin from the perils of being waist-deep in chocolate, and Bat-Mite manages to help by using his Powers of Annoyance for good by annoying the right people for once (and I'm not going to showcase that scene here, because even if he helps Batman, Bat-Mite is still a futile attempt to appeal to a younger audience that makes me die a little inside), but even that is quickly forgotten once Batman and Robin confront the corpulent blob and Sweet Tooth once again outsmarts them and outruns them. This just isn't your day, Batman. If Joker doesn't go "So, remember the time <i>Sweet Tooth </i>of all people almost kicked your ass?" the next time you see him, I'm going to be severely disappointed in him and his bleached skin.<br />
<br />
I also kind of want to know why Sweet Tooth is wearing a sailor cap of all things. Is he some sort of bitter candy mascot that turned to a life of crime? Seriously, cartoon, if you can waste my time having Bat-Mite screw up all of their plans just so the villain can keep getting away, you can have Sweet Tooth spill the beans on his possibly gory and very exciting backstory involving an underground crime ring tied into the Japanese mafia.<br />
<br />
And is it me or is it kind of sad that we never get to hear this guy's real name? <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MB8auw08Cnk/Tw_ApRM7TMI/AAAAAAAAD74/0AE_i7tx0EI/s1600/filmationbatman12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MB8auw08Cnk/Tw_ApRM7TMI/AAAAAAAAD74/0AE_i7tx0EI/s320/filmationbatman12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I also wonder if he's a natural pink.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Yes, Fatass has several more tricks up his sleeve. It turns out in one of his rooms, he has a machine that shoots giant, killer donuts at people. Yeah, okay, cartoon. It's clear that you've ceased giving a crap a long time ago. That being said, I have to wonder if he built that machine himself or if he had a very uncomfortable talk with a mechanic a couple months ago.<br />
<br />
"So, what exactly do you want this machine to do again?"<br />
"I want it to create giant, man-sized donuts that need to travel down this conveyer belt at such a speed that it tears intruders in half from the sheer velocity. The donuts have to be chocolate too. I have this fixation on chocolate that I'm trying to make into my supervillain gimmick."<br />
"...they don't pay me enough to do this job."<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QMwll4RV1lg/Tw_AppnzLqI/AAAAAAAAD8A/gcgq7CfepwU/s1600/filmationbatman13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QMwll4RV1lg/Tw_AppnzLqI/AAAAAAAAD8A/gcgq7CfepwU/s320/filmationbatman13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VHesNXchCeo/Tw_AqGVKuuI/AAAAAAAAD8I/wRIBAh3DjwU/s1600/filmationbatman14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VHesNXchCeo/Tw_AqGVKuuI/AAAAAAAAD8I/wRIBAh3DjwU/s320/filmationbatman14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This death trap has been brought to you by Dunkin' Donuts. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>So The Pillsbury Doughboy gets away, because Batman is powerless to stop the awesome power that is giant flying donuts, so instead Robin leads Batman to the electric computer lock. Lucky for them, the electric computer lock that controls Sweet Tooth's entire plan is the same place it was earlier <i>even though one of the superheroes had previously discovered it in a previous scene</i>. I've probably said this a bunch of times already, but Sweet Tooth's as dumb as he is fat.<br />
<br />
But wait, it turns out the electric computer lock was there because it was bait for yet another trap and...oh god. Please, can we just stop? I mean seriously, do we have to see people get captured by this guy for a second time before we get that his theme is candy-themed?<br />
<br />
Also, way to get defeated by<b> mere taffy</b>, Batman. I could get out of that death trap with my trusty rows of Bat-Teeth and I was half-expecting these two to do the same thing.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e1azawT7Shs/Tw_BI3SuUlI/AAAAAAAAD8Q/1IKdL_WVtho/s1600/filmationbatman15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e1azawT7Shs/Tw_BI3SuUlI/AAAAAAAAD8Q/1IKdL_WVtho/s320/filmationbatman15.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8LVwy9rbW5M/Tw_BJs5-42I/AAAAAAAAD8Y/rvuKkdCuf-0/s1600/filmationbatman16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8LVwy9rbW5M/Tw_BJs5-42I/AAAAAAAAD8Y/rvuKkdCuf-0/s320/filmationbatman16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Note the Bat Symbol on Batman's chest. Quality!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It was around here, when Batgirl had to go save the day and perform the exact same ice cream-climbing and chocolate-rescuing stunts that Batman did, that I decided that I was done with this episode. Okay, Filmation, it's clear that you no longer care whether I stick around to see the end of the episode or not. I already saw Batman rescue Robin; I really don't need to see Batgirl rescue Batman and Robin right afterwards. The fact that Batgirl of all people looks bored out of her mind while doing shows that I'm not the only one who thinks this. Poor Barbara. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HDqjDH_CU0o/Tw_BKPOlQGI/AAAAAAAAD8g/wJoW1_hY83Y/s1600/filmationbatman17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HDqjDH_CU0o/Tw_BKPOlQGI/AAAAAAAAD8g/wJoW1_hY83Y/s320/filmationbatman17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OIDd7zu47Ek/Tw_BKpsUZmI/AAAAAAAAD8o/VA-D55AU8Q0/s1600/filmationbatman18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OIDd7zu47Ek/Tw_BKpsUZmI/AAAAAAAAD8o/VA-D55AU8Q0/s320/filmationbatman18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Really, guys? You got captured by <i>Sweet Tooth</i>? Seriously?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So they make it back to the very same room, Sweet Tooth's at the very same computer (which can shoot either cotton candy or ice cream now; it's so badly drawn that it kind of looks like <i>both</i>), but this time, they finally beat the guy. <br />
<br />
...because Batman pulled a laser out of his belt and shot the hell out of Sweet Tooth's machine. <br />
<br />
Well then. I see I'm not the only one who wants this episode to end already.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LljykekCGtw/Tw_BLNCQoNI/AAAAAAAAD8w/xS_KHMgBDZ8/s1600/filmationbatman19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LljykekCGtw/Tw_BLNCQoNI/AAAAAAAAD8w/xS_KHMgBDZ8/s320/filmationbatman19.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AXovQ7Mji0c/Tw_BLmdz7II/AAAAAAAAD84/5jlbZG8NE70/s1600/filmationbatman20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AXovQ7Mji0c/Tw_BLmdz7II/AAAAAAAAD84/5jlbZG8NE70/s320/filmationbatman20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Alright, enough of this bullcrap."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This overloads the machine and finally, after all of that abuse, Sweet Tooth is finally defeated and we get to hear Batman say to both him and his kids that, after they go to the dentist (even though I doubt the dentist can do anything by now), they're going to prison.<br />
<br />
<b>Damn</b>, Batman. That's kind of harsh.<i> Really?</i> You're going to throw <i>the kids</i> in jail too? Just because the kids helped with Sweet Tooth's plans (probably because, when you get right down to it, he is a supervillain with death traps, he could've easily threatened them off-screen) doesn't mean they should rot in Arkham too! What, do youth detention centers just don't exist in Gotham City? Considering their physique, I'm sure the mobsters and the serial killers are going to<i> love</i> them.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oe1l1s3iaB4/Tw_BL6YP-qI/AAAAAAAAD9A/7yqAgu5BbkU/s1600/filmationbatman21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oe1l1s3iaB4/Tw_BL6YP-qI/AAAAAAAAD9A/7yqAgu5BbkU/s320/filmationbatman21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's a shame Sweet Tooth's gimmick isn't dignity, because he certainly needs some.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So of course they fix the water supply, leading me to wonder just how many hours the water was chocolate. Man, No Man's Land has nothing on the level of erosion that must be eating away at every household and apartment in Gotham City now. <br />
<br />
When you stop and think about it, for a good 12 or so hours, Sweet Tooth shut down all running water for everyone in Gotham City, and that's one of the main necessities of a household. Think of everyone deprived of hot water and couldn't do their normal utilities. Think of the people who ended up washing their clothes in chocolate syrup. Think of all those poor citizens who can never eat a hot fudge sundae without thinking of the day where they had no choice but to take a dump in a pool of chocolate syrup floating in their toilet. <br />
<br />
In other words, despite me mocking him for like most of this thing, Sweet Tooth's plan was kind of effective in being menacing. That sly villain, using Pavlovian association to make an entire city hate chocolate. We're dealing with a serious foe here, even if his shoes are pink.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R6793iRW1iE/Tw_BMeZfKcI/AAAAAAAAD9I/FiZAklQ5t70/s1600/filmationbatman22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R6793iRW1iE/Tw_BMeZfKcI/AAAAAAAAD9I/FiZAklQ5t70/s320/filmationbatman22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although really, he probably would've gotten better results by using something that was actually toxic. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Finally, it ends, with Adam West saying "Teamwork....paid off", pause and all, because this cartoon certainly illustrated that by having to show everyone saving each other. Because that's just the thought I need to dwell in my head; the idea that without Robin, Batgirl, and freaking Bat-Mite, Batman never would've defeated a corpulent tub of sausage in a skintight purple sweater. I've seen Batman use only his wits to outsmart some of the most deadly comic book villains in the history of the medium, but nope, a land whale armed with giant donuts and a cotton candy cannon will easily take him out. <br />
<br />
...I'm beginning to see why the Batman cartoons and the Batman comics largely treat this era like some sort of acid trip that didn't really happen. And why Batman: The Animated Series is often seen as the animation medium telling Batman that it's sorry for making a mockery of him all those years ago.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C0DS_ipKdvc/Tw_Bg9z9TgI/AAAAAAAAD9Q/nqEVWQYGHW0/s1600/filmationbatman23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C0DS_ipKdvc/Tw_Bg9z9TgI/AAAAAAAAD9Q/nqEVWQYGHW0/s320/filmationbatman23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh god, <i>Batman's face.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, but it's not over yet. You know what else this cartoon has?<br />
<br />
<b>Morals!</b><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7OGElueuulc/Tw_BhZQqfqI/AAAAAAAAD9Y/OiEBs2_61Cc/s1600/filmationbatman24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7OGElueuulc/Tw_BhZQqfqI/AAAAAAAAD9Y/OiEBs2_61Cc/s320/filmationbatman24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Holy hamfisted morals, Batman! Shouldn't we respect our audience's intelligent a bit more?"<br />
"No. We can't let children think they can enjoy cartoons without learning something."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Yes, I'm dead serious. At the end of every episode of this cartoon, there is a Bat Message designed to teach the kiddies the important messages they should learn if they want to be good upstanding citizens. It's freaking Sonic Says with Batman. <br />
<br />
Only this one is even stranger and more cryptic than anything Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog could put out, because all Batman does is vaguely say that Sweet Tooth was ruining the lives of those kids and then gets mad at Bat-Mite for eating a fudgsicle. Yes, you'd think they'd actually, oh I don't know, mention that you should regulate your portions or not to stuff candy down your throat when you should have a more balanced diet or anything. Instead, all this Bat Message does is make Batman look like a sugar-hating asshole and only yells at Bat-Mite when he's doing something completely harmless. <br />
<br />
But to be fair, the writing was brainless enough that it was implied throughout the entire episode, so I guess Batman figured we'd fill in the blanks ourselves. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WHe8fSI0uUY/Tw_Bh3tTOPI/AAAAAAAAD9g/3TGR5iPsXXA/s1600/filmationbatman25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WHe8fSI0uUY/Tw_Bh3tTOPI/AAAAAAAAD9g/3TGR5iPsXXA/s320/filmationbatman25.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
I think I'm done here. Batman and chocolate are both dead to me now. <br />
<br />
<br />
<hr /><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Don't ever eat candy <i>ever</i>, because just having one taste of chocolate will turn you into some greedy porkhog with bad teeth. Candy is gross! No one wants to be a fat person, after all.<br />
<br />
Because fat people are assholes.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict</b><br />
<br />
Is this good? <br />
<br />
Well...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y-cNyrOjBHk/Tw-7i9z4gMI/AAAAAAAAD6w/wSR7QVbQqzg/s1600/filmationbatman3.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y-cNyrOjBHk/Tw-7i9z4gMI/AAAAAAAAD6w/wSR7QVbQqzg/s320/filmationbatman3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Okay, okay, but is this so bad it's good? That really depends on what kind of mood you're in when you watch this. <br />
<br />
When it boils right down to it, I honestly enjoy watching this cartoon because it is really fun seeing what lead to later creations and because it's simply so campy and cheesy as hell that my mind is blown by each possible plot twist they throw at me. This is purely a guilty pleasure cartoon.<br />
<br />
But at the same time, it's not the wholesome camp-filled goodness I want it to be because some things do hold it down.<br />
<br />
I think the main problem is that, honestly, there's 10 minutes of material stretched into a 20 minute cartoon. There's a very good reason why Hannah-Barbera is the more respected name out of the two major "limited animation" studios of this time, and I think the main reason is that HB's shows have better pacing and better character design than Filmation. We really didn't need to have the heroes captured twice just so that both Batman and Batgirl had a scene where they rescue people. <br />
<br />
Plus, as evidenced by some of these screenshots, the way they draw the characters sometimes is just really awkward. I understand the use of limited animation and how they can only move certain frames at a time, but when you see Batman sometimes stand like he's about ready to take a crap, and people bending their arms in a way that wouldn't make sense, then you run into some problems. I get that they were using incredibly realistic humans as opposed to the more stylistic humans used in the Hannah-Barbera shorts, and that was considered revolutionary for TV cartoons to have humans this realistically styled, but obviously there were some kinks that still needed to be worked out. <br />
<br />
Plus Bat-Mite's just annoying. Characters like that need to be handled with care so they don't saturate the cartoon, and unfortunately, that's exactly what Bat-Mite did. That, combined with the fact that the villain himself could be grating at times, you got a double helping of Exasperation-flavored ice cream topped with pissed off sprinkles. <br />
<br />
But, despite that, it was an okay look at this era I guess, and the villain's theme was rather fun. Despite what it sounds like, I don't actually hate Sweet Tooth. I just didn't find him all too interesting and I think it was because he didn't have a reason why he was doing his evil deeds without a clear motive. I know it was before the pretty awesome backstories and introductory episodes of Batman, but even a simple "I want to turn the water into chocolate syrup because they shut down my candy shop" line would've sufficed. A simple sentence explaining why the villain is here. Even with Scooby-Doo, the villains give a reason, so come on, Filmation.<br />
<br />
But yeah. I think the next couple of posts are going to be more recent cartoons because there's only so much of Filmation that I can take in a month.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-80006319071099710102012-01-06T21:04:00.001-08:002012-03-09T00:50:10.806-08:00Happily Ever After (1993 film) - Part 3You know, let's just pretend that December never happened. I'm going back to the regular schedule for this month. And boy, do I have a treat for you.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/11/happily-ever-after-part-1.html">Part 1.</a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/11/happily-ever-after-1993-film-part-2.html">Part 2.</a></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5ra2ZnGAj8/TrziHZ6UosI/AAAAAAAACwk/l2EirmynJek/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5ra2ZnGAj8/TrziHZ6UosI/AAAAAAAACwk/l2EirmynJek/s400/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="277" /></a></div><br />
<br />
So the best way to wash away the stench of failure that was last month, I'm doing Happily Ever After once again. Because after getting sick, missing deadlines, being surrounded by relatives that I don't really even like all that much, and just plain hating everything for about two months, it's nice to get back to something nice and fluffy again.<br />
<br />
Even if my definition of nice and fluffy involves fairytale creatures narrowly avoiding death multiple times while being aided by a reject from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. I've already said this about a thousand other times when talking about the movie, but here is where it gets <i>weird</i>. The movie, as if ashamed by how cutesy and flowery the first two parts were (and that's saying something, considering both parts contained some pretty messed up stuff like the dragon and the trolltastic mirror that gives children heart attacks by showing them the queen's death mask), decides to cloak the entire movie in darkness and make the children watching this cry as they watch Snow White try to outrun a pack of wolves. <br />
<br />
And yet I love every twisted, dark, gruesome minute of this film. But then again, this is coming from someone who wrote four whole blog posts about how much Felix the Cat: The Movie sucks, only to turn around at the final minute and admit I watch that crap every year. By now, you're probably just ignoring my opinions and only come here for the screenshots. <br />
<br />
I will warn you though; this is technically the weakest part of the movie (although to be fair, Part 3 of Felix the Cat: The Movie was the same way), so don't complain as I unearth repressed childhood nightmares and recycled animation as I disinter the craziness that is...<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Happily Ever After Part 3</b><br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e3Kr_UBWLT0/TtRlXzJetNI/AAAAAAAADII/-33nGSYqhUs/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e3Kr_UBWLT0/TtRlXzJetNI/AAAAAAAADII/-33nGSYqhUs/s400/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">The last time I talked about this movie, Snow White had woken up in the house of the seven dwarfs, only to find that instead of the bearded men that she's grown accustomed to, the house's mortgage and property taxes were being handled by their all female cousins, who conveniently also happened to be in a group of seven so that the children back home won't be too alienated. But, unlike the dwarfs of the fable who would just mine for gems, have personality traits limited to their names, and sing a silly song for the amusement of the giant that took over their home, these dwarfelles (because "female dwarfs" is just awkward-sounding) control the elements and work for Mother Nature. None of this is explained beyond "Mother Nature is pissed that they misuse their powers", even when they make it to Mother Nature's realm, but luckily, Lord Maliss (the main villain who can turn into a dragon and shoot lasers out of his eyes, and I'm sad that I can just accept this) shows up and gives us a coherent plot to follow. Now, with the blessings of Mother Nature, Snow White and her band of freakish, magic-using dwarfs have to journey to the Realm of Doom and enter Lord Maliss's castle in order to save her prince. <br />
<br />
So basically, in other words, Part 2 was all of the characters being properly introduced and someone kicking Snow White in the ass and telling her to go fix that huge shapeshifting sorcerer problem her kingdom has now while providing her with enough minions with unbridled magical power that killing Maliss will be a snap. Only they said it in a lot more fantasy-like "but thou must!" tone of voice that is instantly familiar to anyone that has played some form of RPG. <br />
<br />
In a nice little transition that cuts out a lot of walking, because the last thing I need to see in a film with shapeshifting dragons is short little women complaining that their high-heels are not fit for hiking in the forest, we hear Mother Nature's voice saying that Snow White and her band of fools has to make it past the seven pines and over the seven peaks (oh cool, a reference to the actual story) and follow a path into a cave that leads to the Realm of <i><b>DOOM!</b></i> I put an emphasis on "doom" because, at the last moment, Mother Nature had to take a huge bite out of the scenery and become extremely hammy for just one word. But hey, it's Phyllis Diller doing the voice. She can do whatever the hell she wants.<br />
<br />
I will warn the readers who have darker monitors that, for the rest of this movie, the colorists decide that they're going to be the Fairy Tale version of Batman: The Animated Series by overusing the color black. It makes sense in some of the scenes, but then becomes downright bizarre when Lord Maliss's castle just completely loses all sense of lighting for no reason at all. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uRisu5l45Us/TwnoKF5MPpI/AAAAAAAADvA/KNmgqSd1XwM/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uRisu5l45Us/TwnoKF5MPpI/AAAAAAAADvA/KNmgqSd1XwM/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I remember this scene in particular looking like Snow White and the dwarfelles were <br />
standing in a pitch black void on our old TV.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So they make it to the cave that's supposed to lead them to the Realm of Doom right when night falls, and for some reason, the cave doesn't have any guards posted or any evil minions roaming around even though it's the freaking main entrance to Lord Maliss's domain. For someone who made a big deal about how every creature in his sister's castle needs to do his bidding, he sure doesn't actually <i>use</i> any of them. There's nothing more frustrating than a film that has an awesome two-headed bird gremlin just sitting around collecting dust instead of engaging the dwarfelles in turn-based Dragon Quest style combat. <br />
<br />
But anyways, since none of the dwarfs are in charge of fire, nor did they think to bring any provisions with them (so how are they going to survive traveling through uncharted territory without any food or water? Unless Blossom and Critterina can magically summon plants and animals for them to eat...), Snow White has to ask Sunburn and her ugly, onion-shaped hair to use her embarrassing sunbeam powers to somehow light up the cave. Don't ask how it works. Personally, it would've been a lot easier to just say Sunburn controls fire as well as sunbeams instead of showing a scene where she's angling a sunbeam in such a way that it bounces off several rocks and ends up shooting into the cave. That's just needlessly complicating things. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aHH7Ube7gSc/TwnoKsVmN3I/AAAAAAAADvI/h17mNZV7dgM/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aHH7Ube7gSc/TwnoKsVmN3I/AAAAAAAADvI/h17mNZV7dgM/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3uj5G0h0QXM/TwnoKzRJkTI/AAAAAAAADvQ/4XqCfA7-EYQ/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3uj5G0h0QXM/TwnoKzRJkTI/AAAAAAAADvQ/4XqCfA7-EYQ/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The cave is just like Lord Maliss: Sparkly, melodramatic, and impossible to take seriously.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While the ladies journey into the corridor of dated 80's rainbow effects, bringing the question of how effective long medieval dresses would be for spelunking, they're trailed by that strange cloaked man we saw hiding behind a tree earlier. In this scene, the movie tries to play his role as ambiguous as to whether he's helping or intending to harm the cute little dwarfelles, but it's not hard to determine that he's really a good guy just from how large and playful his glowing yellow eyes are. Compared to Scowl, who's constantly, well, <i>scowling</i>, he looks positively friendly, even though his hands could use a good manicure. <br />
<br />
And really, any malice this character could've had is quickly forgotten once you realize that all he's armed with is a walking cane and he's largely outnumbered by our heroes. Remember how Thunderella split a tree in half with a bolt of lightning? Remember the earthquakes and the skin-roasting sunbeams at their command? This guy doesn't stand a chance.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AeUW-dzqFIc/TwnoLeOZaKI/AAAAAAAADvY/G9hum-_uyoc/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AeUW-dzqFIc/TwnoLeOZaKI/AAAAAAAADvY/G9hum-_uyoc/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Galloping gazooks! Dwarfs! I better tell Prince Adam about this!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But he's not here to slaughter cute little woodland creatures, despite his grotesque appearance and his strange lumpy hat. He's here to make sure that the group doesn't take the wrong path and get their asses killed. In a true testament to how terrible an evil overlord Lord Maliss is, the only security in this cave is the fact that there's a fork in the road and that there's literally no indication of what path leads to The Realm of Doom and what path just leads to certain doom. I guess the strange Labyrinth-esque Muppets blocking the roads and giving a complex riddle to make sure only the heroes that are worthy choose the right path were sick that day.<br />
<br />
Also, now I'm wondering how many heroes have journeyed to the Realm of Doom before. Have people tried to slay the evil queen before, only to get killed in this cave that's based entirely on luck? Or is the evil queen and her equally evil family strictly a problem that's reserved for Snow White and her friends? Lord Maliss is pretty threatening, but besides the prince getting attacked and shot by laser eyebeams, we never see whether the kingdom he's in charge of is under any actual attack or if this is an isolated thing.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_3jmdt_HWMc/TwnoMDBmeCI/AAAAAAAADvo/QO3Fa0_F5rs/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_3jmdt_HWMc/TwnoMDBmeCI/AAAAAAAADvo/QO3Fa0_F5rs/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8u1Q9-bh52g/TwnoL1ehJGI/AAAAAAAADvg/PfkKnATMlCQ/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8u1Q9-bh52g/TwnoL1ehJGI/AAAAAAAADvg/PfkKnATMlCQ/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You'd think a man who could turn into a dragon would have better booby traps than this..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Okay, so the misshapen hobgoblin knows the right way somehow, even though it's never explained what's down the other path or how he would know this fact without springing the trap himself. What does he do to warn the group? Does he shout "Hey, don't go down that cave, it'll kill you!"? Does he use a signal flare or some complex flag signals to show them the right path? Does he toss an apple into the right cave, hoping that Snow White will chase after it?<br />
<br />
Nope, instead he shows them the right way by dropping a boulder right in front of the cave that's wrong, making it look like he was trying to kill them. <i>Smooth. <br />
<br />
</i>Although, to be fair, any other way and the group probably would've assumed that he was a minion of Lord Maliss and would've intentionally ignored his advice. Especially considering what happens afterwards. <i><br />
</i> <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VB724DDfO24/TwnoMj1O6eI/AAAAAAAADvw/F34IxYWroBM/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VB724DDfO24/TwnoMj1O6eI/AAAAAAAADvw/F34IxYWroBM/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, what a conveniently sized and conveniently placed boulder!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This misunderstanding incenses the little wishing trolls so badly that Muddy shouts "Get that Shadow Man!", causing the entire group to chase after him while screaming for his spilled blood while Snow White just kind of stands back and watches her group descend into total insanity. In fairness to the dwarfelles, The Shadow Man (which ends up becoming the name all the characters and merchandise use to refer to him, even though Muddy just randomly coined that name out of anger) dropped a boulder and then ran without even trying to explain himself. That <i>doe</i>s look pretty suspicious.<br />
<br />
Regardless of The Shadow Man's intentions, I just have a question for all the dwarfs present in this film. If all of you have magical powers, many of which can be used as projectiles, then why are you just resorting to running after the guy and attacking him with your bare fists? Sunburn was clearly firebending earlier! If this is your idea of defending Snow White from harm, then we're going to be running into some serious trouble later on.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kXfiXvd23Wc/TwnoNBx6w_I/AAAAAAAADv4/bhSUBwOP4LE/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kXfiXvd23Wc/TwnoNBx6w_I/AAAAAAAADv4/bhSUBwOP4LE/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"For the Alliance!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We even learn just how unqualified the idiots are at their whole "Protect Snow White" job by watching them somehow cause an honest to god <i>cave-in</i> from their wanton running around and tripping into rock pillars. This scene really doesn't fill me with confidence that the dwarfelles will be able to beat Lord Maliss without killing each other, because even chasing a man who barely has any natural defenses ends with them royally crapping up. No wonder Mother Nature is considering laying them off. <br />
<br />
Fortunately, luck is on their favor, for the cave-in causes a rock to crush the Shadow Man's foot, which allows the entire group to finally get a good glimpse of the guy while he's at their mercy. I love the Shadow Man's body language here; he just looks completely pathetic when surrounded by a bunch of angry little midgets that want him dead. Truly this is a formidable monster they have to fight!<br />
<br />
By the way, I can't be the only one who wondered what Shadow Man looks like underneath those clothes when I watched this as a kid. That sounds <i>waaaaay</i> more perverted than I intended, but seriously, from the looks of how thorough he was at covering himself up, he knows he's hiding some major ugly. You can only see his hands and eyes and, while they look humanoid, they don't look human and get more unsettling the more you dwell on it. They never show you what he truly looks like either, leaving the hideous deformities up to your imagination, which only makes this situation that much sadder. Poor guy. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NwfRDzt7dM4/Twnoq9_HSGI/AAAAAAAADwA/amD9P9WgY2I/s1600/happilyeverafter8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NwfRDzt7dM4/Twnoq9_HSGI/AAAAAAAADwA/amD9P9WgY2I/s320/happilyeverafter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0mU_cCA2N48/TwnorHynRiI/AAAAAAAADwI/MpbRXzaLAiA/s1600/happilyeverafter9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0mU_cCA2N48/TwnorHynRiI/AAAAAAAADwI/MpbRXzaLAiA/s320/happilyeverafter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Uh, I can explain."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As you might expect, Snow White takes pity on the ugly little stranger. Showing him that she means no harm, she lovingly strokes his forehead (instead of helping with the rock on his foot), no doubt exposing herself to some dangerous goblin diseases through exposed contact and also raising the question as to whether or not the Shadow Man actually has hair underneath that disguise. It's still a cute scene, I'll give them that, even if it seems like such a weird way to greet someone who threw a boulder at you. <br />
<br />
Without giving too much away of the plot, this tender scene where they understand each other's pain and suffering is supposed to be foreshadowing something. Considering the film doesn't know the meaning of the word "subtle" (as evidenced by Maliss's and Mother Nature's behavior) and Lord Maliss went out of his way to imply that he did something very special in a previous scene, you can probably put the pieces together. I know I did when I was five.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AB7BIxnHWe0/Twnorf1KmqI/AAAAAAAADwQ/k_097TL8uFc/s1600/happilyeverafter10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AB7BIxnHWe0/Twnorf1KmqI/AAAAAAAADwQ/k_097TL8uFc/s320/happilyeverafter10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Instead of checking my temperature, could you do something about <i>the giant rock on my foot</i>?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unfortunately, this scene is quickly ruined when we find out how caring and loving the dwarfelles are when Muddy snatches Snow White's hand away from the Shadow Man (because apparently she misunderstood the wrappings and hopes Snow White doesn't catch leprosy) and Sunburn accuses him of working for the enemy. Tactless little trolls, aren't they? Geez, all of his bones in his right foot are probably broken by that giant rock and he hasn't even explained why he dropped the boulder yet, guys. <br />
<br />
Also, no offense to the Shadow Man here, but I'm sure if Lord Maliss was going to send someone to kill the dwarfelles (and that would be the <i>smart</i> thing to do), he can do a lot better than this guy. I saw the monster party at the beginning of the film. He has like giant rats and talking alligators at his disposal!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3sAyMj2GbHg/Twnor4x5-LI/AAAAAAAADwY/cTZzP61hmSo/s1600/happilyeverafter11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3sAyMj2GbHg/Twnor4x5-LI/AAAAAAAADwY/cTZzP61hmSo/s320/happilyeverafter11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Eww, don't touch that! You don't know where it's been!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Final Fantasy Black Mage reject quickly denies any connection with Lord Maliss, and it's here that we learn that the poor guy can't even speak all that well. Shadow Man's dialogue is mainly composed of monosyllabic words that are gruffly mumbled out from his clothes like some bizarre, mutated version of Kenny from South Park. His voice sounds deep and strained, like someone who has a really bad cold, so don't expect him to recite anything from the great Shakespearean tragedies. It's never explained if his speech impediment is because of his choice in clothing or because of his hideous mutations either. Shadow Man is a mystery wrapped in an enigma sandwich and that's why so many people think he's awesome. Me included.<br />
<br />
And is it me, or did he have <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5r67mB-zRc/TtlglkxJM8I/AAAAAAAADVM/WVtD-aJiF2E/s1600/happilyeverafter23.jpg">a slightly different design</a> back in the woods? Way to keep your film consistent, Filmation.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tpULoRvd0lY/TwnosWykWTI/AAAAAAAADwg/oAk20awr0ZY/s1600/happilyeverafter12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tpULoRvd0lY/TwnosWykWTI/AAAAAAAADwg/oAk20awr0ZY/s320/happilyeverafter12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Face the wrath of my long fingernails!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, suddenly, there's a mudslide! <br />
<br />
No, I'm serious. The film, as if at a loss to continue the scene currently playing in it, decides to spit out a random mudslide even though the cave was completely devoid of moisture, there's no indication of where the mudslide came from, and it adds absolutely nothing to the plot other than confusion and headaches. I like to imagine that this scene was the end result of the writers, after staring at the script for hours at a loss at how to end the conversation between the dwarfelles and Snow White about the Shadow Man, just scribbled "To hell with it, they're interrupted by a mudslide" and didn't expect the animators to actually take it seriously. <br />
<br />
Incidentally, a random natural disaster that came completely out of nowhere was more effective at inconveniencing the main characters than Lord Maliss so far. The man can turn into a dragon and has a legion of minions, and yet the thing that's attacked them in this cave was a friendly hobgoblin with a walking stick and a random deluge of water. <i>What. </i><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_mZCLAks3c/TwnoszYMLcI/AAAAAAAADwo/sxP0mx66C0o/s1600/happilyeverafter13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_mZCLAks3c/TwnoszYMLcI/AAAAAAAADwo/sxP0mx66C0o/s320/happilyeverafter13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Na_rA4ofH8w/TwnotCC7Z1I/AAAAAAAADww/qP101aUnFiM/s1600/happilyeverafter14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Na_rA4ofH8w/TwnotCC7Z1I/AAAAAAAADww/qP101aUnFiM/s320/happilyeverafter14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fun fact: When I was little, I thought they were getting washed away by chocolate milk.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Fortunately, this mudslide is frightening at first, but then the dwarfs and Snow White find out that it's just like riding a ride at your favorite water park as they slip and slide their way to the Realm of Doom while giggling in delight. They even cheer on Snow White once she makes her descent. Man, mudslides are awesome. Those people in Guatemala were having the time of their lives last fall.<br />
<br />
Also, I like how all of their clothes and hair remain perfectly pristine even after they slopped around in a giant river of mud. The grime just slides right off. I wish my pants could do that when I'm in my Painting classes.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pMQdak_TVf8/TwnotqOatbI/AAAAAAAADw4/u_y8uiTCKGY/s1600/happilyeverafter15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pMQdak_TVf8/TwnotqOatbI/AAAAAAAADw4/u_y8uiTCKGY/s320/happilyeverafter15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Whee! We completely forgot about that guy we left trapped under a rock!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Despite the dwarfs now being in a good mood because they narrowly escaped a horrible, mudslide-induced death, Snow White still worries about "the poor little man", hoping that he didn't drown from that random-ass flood of polluted water, while the Santa's workshop elves rejects remain open and tolerant as always by saying he gave them the creeps. Hah hah, <i>wow</i>. Way to make yourselves look really bad by judging that guy completely on his appearance even after he showed that he meant no harm, dwarfelles. And it's only going to make yourselves look even more callous if it turns out he really did die during that flood and it was your inaction that killed him. I'm sure Mother Nature is proud in you, ladies.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h_L5Q7Olank/TwnpKVQtb2I/AAAAAAAADxA/CvR0_apml4c/s1600/happilyeverafter16.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h_L5Q7Olank/TwnpKVQtb2I/AAAAAAAADxA/CvR0_apml4c/s320/happilyeverafter16.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
The Shadow Man's fate (because no one wants to think about the fact that they left that man to <i>die</i>) gets quickly discarded when they find out that they're now in The Realm of Doom and can get a good view of what they're up against. Notice that the castle they're looking at has, once again, changed in design. Geez, either Maliss just can't make up his mind as to what length he wants his fortress of mass evil to be, or the background artists have no use for words like "scale" and "consistency".<br />
<br />
I do like the part where Thunderella wonders if maybe The Prince is watching them from one of the castle windows even as they speak. Yes, I'm sure The Prince has the eyesight of a Greek God and can see across several miles of distance. <br />
<br />
And how come even Snow White refers to him as just The Prince? Geez, she's <i>marrying</i> him and she's not even on first name basis. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RIFZjdAaTTg/TwnpK1QxSiI/AAAAAAAADxI/t7HrwXMcGQM/s1600/happilyeverafter17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RIFZjdAaTTg/TwnpK1QxSiI/AAAAAAAADxI/t7HrwXMcGQM/s320/happilyeverafter17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey, what happened to <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bThpdyGP99U/TtRyHOQRSRI/AAAAAAAADMg/O96xExpZug8/s1600/happilyeverafter13.jpg">those giant spires of rock</a> Lord Maliss summoned in the beginning?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, in an ironic fashion because a character said something about someone watching them, who else but our hammy villain with his green skin and fabulous eyeshadow is watching our heroes' progress through his mirror and is making a fool out of himself as usual. I love this small scene, if only for the fact that, while Maliss is milking a giant cow and going on about how he's going to have his revenge, the mirror is avoiding eye contact and looks like he's really embarrassed to be sharing the same air as Lord Maliss. It's only when he bursts into rhyme (because it's in Dom DeLuise's contract that his characters can't appear in a scene without speaking in his instantly recognizable voice) that he acknowledge's the lordship's pork-filled presence. In my defense, if I was mounted on a wall and had to endure Malcolm McDowell for extended periods of time, I'd do the exact same thing.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aoO3NOU_CdE/TwnpLp5VS0I/AAAAAAAADxQ/knDaibA64Mc/s1600/happilyeverafter18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aoO3NOU_CdE/TwnpLp5VS0I/AAAAAAAADxQ/knDaibA64Mc/s320/happilyeverafter18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sir, no offense, but I've seen more subdued performances from Brian Blessed."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Like most dumb children's movie villains, Maliss is going to send a monster to provide an escort for Snow White to the palace. It's the tried and true method of sending evil minions to do your bidding, but here, it doesn't make sense because he could just turn into that giant dragon and pick her up himself. <br />
<br />
But I guess Lord Maliss is feeling particularly stupid and cliched tonight and wants to play things by the book. There's just something to admire from a guy who can't talk without fist-pumping, wringing his hands evilly, or just flat out doing these elaborate evil gestures as if he has some sort of nervous tic. I wonder if he's like this all the time (making family reunions incredibly awkward but entertaining) or just goes all out when he has a revenge plot on his schedule.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rr4r0vQSdyI/TwnpL7sxTvI/AAAAAAAADxY/6CY9fQR_Jok/s1600/happilyeverafter19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rr4r0vQSdyI/TwnpL7sxTvI/AAAAAAAADxY/6CY9fQR_Jok/s320/happilyeverafter19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"And after I send out an evil monster to capture Snow White and bring her to me, I'm going to eat a <br />
bowl of kittens, kick a puppy, take candy from small children, and set an orphanage on fire."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And since we haven't seen Scowl and Batso in a while (and believe me, I was on the edge of my seat wondering where the useless smoking owl and his painfully adorable bat lackey went), we get to check up on them while at the same time getting a view at what Maliss has in mind. Turns out Scowl's best idea for a hiding spot was in the room where Maliss keeps his pack of vicious, bloodthirsty rhino-wolves (rhinolves? wolhinos?), because all of that nicotine destroyed his brain cells a long time ago and he can't think of a place to hide that isn't full of monsters trying to eat him.<br />
<br />
Oh, and Batso is still following him even though the whole "teach Batso to be bad" subplot withered away and died off over twenty minutes ago. To be honest, I'm not sure why Batso even hangs out with this dickweed; all it's giving the poor bat is lung cancer.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BfYZP_NQYHY/TwnpMM7zrqI/AAAAAAAADxg/ldfwgfwi0oI/s1600/happilyeverafter20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BfYZP_NQYHY/TwnpMM7zrqI/AAAAAAAADxg/ldfwgfwi0oI/s320/happilyeverafter20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Scowl just doesn't give a crap about Batso's asthma.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And yes, I wasn't kidding when I said that Lord Maliss has rhino-wolves. This movie has wolves with freaking rhino horns for no reason at all. Just look at these things and try to tell me that the character designers for this film weren't smoking something illegal. I do realize these designs are par for the course for the people that brought us Moss Man and Fisto (<i>yes those are actual character names</i>), but still...<br />
<br />
Also, why even have the horns and comically enlarged fangs if they're just going to behave like regular wolves? What's the goddamn point?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ALmmH7UHIdc/TwnpMrFaeXI/AAAAAAAADxo/YGM7dG1fo9I/s1600/happilyeverafter21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ALmmH7UHIdc/TwnpMrFaeXI/AAAAAAAADxo/YGM7dG1fo9I/s320/happilyeverafter21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"Why do we exist."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anyways, Scowl's hiding place (if you can really call it that, because he and Batso were sitting out in the open, surrounded by hungry wolves, instantly drawing attention to themselves) backfires tremendously when Lord Hammy Acting walks into the room and, in his own delightful performance that sounds like he's having an orgasm being so evil, tells his freaks of nature to go fetch Snow White. This is going to make me sound like a broken record, but seriously. Maliss can transform into a goddamn <i>dragon</i>. A DRAGON. He's just wasting his time.<br />
<br />
And were the dogs Maliss's or are they the property of the Queen? I wonder what Snow White thought growing up and having strange puppies with glowing satanic eyes and horrible fanged teeth for childhood pets.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O6bxk2O-Llg/TwnpM-DRRfI/AAAAAAAADxw/8AcVGNLWehQ/s1600/happilyeverafter22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O6bxk2O-Llg/TwnpM-DRRfI/AAAAAAAADxw/8AcVGNLWehQ/s320/happilyeverafter22.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oEhegDCFROQ/TwnpNN6-okI/AAAAAAAADx4/w4jSz1-KLxM/s1600/happilyeverafter23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oEhegDCFROQ/TwnpNN6-okI/AAAAAAAADx4/w4jSz1-KLxM/s320/happilyeverafter23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Awww, who's a good boy? Yes you are! Yes you are! Good boy wanna go for walkies?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The freakdogs leave, no doubt spurned on by the thought that they get to horrendously tear apart cute little fairytale creatures in dresses, and that's when Sir SubtleActing McSceneryChew discovers Scowl. In a typical cliched villain fashion, Maliss says that he could go for some entertainment. Because if there's one thing Lord Melodramatic can't do, it's actually kill the worthless additions in his life when he has the chance. He can't just turn into a dragon and devour Scowl like a tobacco-soaked gobstopper and he can't just turn into a dragon and squish Snow White while she's sitting around a campfire; no, instead he does the slow, laborious, easy-to-escape torture route. <br />
<br />
...maybe there's a <i>reason</i> why Snow White's still alive even though she's enemies with someone who can shoot lasers from his eyes. Lord Maliss is a total dumbass.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LRJy1Chxhe8/TwnpNjM1EPI/AAAAAAAADyA/wzwnecYv07A/s1600/happilyeverafter24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LRJy1Chxhe8/TwnpNjM1EPI/AAAAAAAADyA/wzwnecYv07A/s320/happilyeverafter24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I put those No Smoking signs around the castle for a reason, Scowl! Use your <br />
company-mandated smoking break like everyone else!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But meanwhile, the dogs race onward into the night and towards their brightly-colored prey. I hate to say this, but this scene would be a lot more threatening if we didn't already see a <b>dragon</b> in this film. Going from dragons attacking people on horseback and turning into Malcolm McDowell to wolves with horns on their noses feels like a big step backwards on the threat meter.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3U1DixYX0Wo/Twplgrwn2NI/AAAAAAAADyI/gE3oL5TNle4/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="250" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3U1DixYX0Wo/Twplgrwn2NI/AAAAAAAADyI/gE3oL5TNle4/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This screenshot has been brought to you by the color blue.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, the dwarfs have set up a campfire somehow. What, no contrived use of sunbeams like last time, Sunburn? We're actually using<i> fire </i>as a means of illumination?<br />
<br />
I'm just noting the campfire scene here because, for some reason, everyone's expressions are drawn hilariously badly. This movie has a strange problem with fluctuating quality in how everyone's eyes and faces are drawn (<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-10n-28y1NfQ/TtljPWT6GLI/AAAAAAAADWk/mjsQTAibkP8/s1600/happilyeverafter34.jpg">as seen here with Snow White</a>) and this scene is no exception. Just look at Snow White there and tell me that's not the face of someone who's now traveling through a hellish realm filled with destructive, terrible monsters. <br />
<br />
...wait. They're in The Realm of Doom, a place that got a lot of hype for being Lord Maliss's dominion, and they're just chilling out and setting up a campfire, which will provide a great beacon for any monster to see from a distance and attack their prone, defenseless bodies. <i>Good going</i>, dwarfelles. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2UBTrvnoBuI/Twplg114GJI/AAAAAAAADyQ/HO4Cto9UaYQ/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2UBTrvnoBuI/Twplg114GJI/AAAAAAAADyQ/HO4Cto9UaYQ/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Whee, survival instincts are for pussies!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since the female dwarfs were kind enough to set up a campfire and then mess around with their powers, making themselves an even bigger target (again, <i>good going</i>, dwarfelles, you're really firing on all cylinders), it doesn't take long for the rhino/wolf things to show up. And, considering the distance from the castle to the campfire from that one previous shot, that means these canines can either reach speeds of up to three hundred miles per hour or know how to teleport. I love it when films just don't take into account things like distance and scale. <br />
<br />
But jokes aside, I will award points to the film for using the creepy "monsters emerge from the mist" scene right. If I wasn't already informed by how pants-crappingly scary this movie is through the scary dead face of the Queen and Maliss's transformation, this would've been the part where I realized that these filmmakers weren't messing around and seemed to have an irrational hatred towards small children and their ability to sleep at night. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E_OmirFRQS8/TwplhfEtibI/AAAAAAAADyY/9ZQe4J7fE30/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E_OmirFRQS8/TwplhfEtibI/AAAAAAAADyY/9ZQe4J7fE30/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, kids! For checking this VHS out at Blockbuster because the cover had bright colors and cute <br />
little dwarfs, let's watch a scene where mutated wolves tear them apart!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Within moments, Snow White, ready to prove just how badass she is compared to the Disney Snow White, actually says "Stay back, I'm warning you!" while picking up a flaming piece of wood from the campfire. She doesn't actually start kicking ass and taking names while using it as her weapon, but she still gets points for trying. She's certainly trying more than the fairytale creatures with goddamn elemental powers, that's for sure!<br />
<br />
While she's proving more competent than her seven travel partners, here's something I never got. The dwarfelles have magical powers. Muddy can create earthquakes. Thunderella can summon dangerous thunderstorms. <i>Why the hell are they hiding behind Snow White instead of actually helping?</i> My opinion of Marina would be a lot higher if she manifested a stream of water out of nowhere and drowned a wolf, just saying.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-imlKCZgFAVU/TwplhioWz5I/AAAAAAAADyg/HArDu-H8cFc/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-imlKCZgFAVU/TwplhioWz5I/AAAAAAAADyg/HArDu-H8cFc/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then she quickly set her hair on fire.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But instead of getting an awesome scene where Snow White bludgeons a rhino-wolf to death with a torch, we get the only scene in the entire film where Moonbeam (aka the worst dwarfelle of the bunch by far) does something. And I say "does something" in the worst possible way, because she doesn't advance the plot, she doesn't say anything helpful, and she certainly doesn't help with the giant wolf problem the camp now has. Instead, Useless Waste of Time just wakes up and starts to perform an exercise routine as if to inform the viewers that she's still alive. <br />
<br />
You'd think that with Moonbeam's powers being night-based, she'd show them off and get rid of the wolves, but instead, she's just as useful to the group as she was when she was sleep-walking and I left this scene wishing that it would end with her getting ripped apart by the dog-rhinos. I certainly know there's plenty of set-up for it and it's not like anyone would miss her. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6QAbWU5q2VM/TwpliG8oYQI/AAAAAAAADyo/xjlyfKQ_9qE/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6QAbWU5q2VM/TwpliG8oYQI/AAAAAAAADyo/xjlyfKQ_9qE/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm a waste of animation!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As if frustrated by how utterly useless and terrible her sister is at wasting everyone's time, Critterina and her strange chipmunk-style nose then talks to the wolves in their own language. It's a scene that's about as useful as the Moonbeam scene, since Critterina's idea of reasoning with the wolves is just telling them to go away and the problem is still just as bad as it was before, and yet this scene manages to <i>not</i> be annoying because Critterina actually uses her powers and at least tries to help. <b><i>See</i></b>, Moonbeam? This is how you actually contribute to the team!<br />
<br />
...and is it me, or are those wolves taking their sweet time with the whole "fetching Snow White" thing? If you notice, they're kind of standing there while various dwarfelles approach them and crap up. I wonder if Lord Maliss is shouting "Oh, come on, just kill them already!" in frustration while watching this scene take place from his Dom DeLuise mirror. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jry6phFkKLk/TwpliQz0-0I/AAAAAAAADyw/oWu5_QOpx88/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jry6phFkKLk/TwpliQz0-0I/AAAAAAAADyw/oWu5_QOpx88/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Awesome, we get to eat one of the Chipettes tonight!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, okay, the Critterina scene did have a point. This is how the dwarfelles learn that the wolves want to eat them. No,<i> really? </i>I thought the savage monstrosities under Lord Maliss's control were going to give them a tour to the many sightseeing locales in The Realm of Doom. That's why they're licking their lips and slowly advancing on them.<br />
<br />
But I can't bring myself to hate this scene, even if it is stating the absolute obvious, because Critterina and Muddy make the best damn faces in this entire film once they realize they're inches away from being eviscerated by wild animals. Poor Critterina especially looks like she's about ready to have a mental breakdown. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2QtJeXXPmjo/Twpli_RxaxI/AAAAAAAADy4/ysAAtfKWxCo/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2QtJeXXPmjo/Twpli_RxaxI/AAAAAAAADy4/ysAAtfKWxCo/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We're all gonna die, man. They're coming outta the walls. They're coming outta the goddamn <i>walls</i>."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So we get our big chase scene. With Snow White throwing down her torch to buy them some time, all seven of the dwarfelles and Snow White race off into the night with the wolves hot on their heels. <br />
<br />
...as cool as this scene sounds, and as awesome as the idea that there'd be a children's cartoon that has a scene where women narrowly avoid getting torn apart by hungry animals is, the fact that the creators waste no time reusing animation here instantly diminishes the awesome level and turns this scene from frightening to annoying. The wolves use the same two run cycles whenever they're on screen, Snow White uses her "run frightened through the forest" run cycle that was present at the beginning of the film, and oddly, we don't see the dwarfelles running at all through most of this scene on account they would've need different animation for that. <br />
<br />
What makes this scene even more frustrating is the fact that, unlike Felix the Cat: The Movie where it's pretty much expected that they're going to reuse animation because they consistently do it throughout that entire film, for the most part, Happily Ever After had new animation for each scene. The sudden drop in quality is extremely jarring. Did they just run out of time for this one scene? Did they think the kids would be too dumb to notice? Come on, I expected better out of Filmation, the company notorious for placing quantity over quality and using stock footage and pans in order to kill time in every episode of Fat Albert. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V1OYMmonEXM/Twpl_D1ICpI/AAAAAAAADzA/VsVOW4pBKr8/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V1OYMmonEXM/Twpl_D1ICpI/AAAAAAAADzA/VsVOW4pBKr8/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HW_W1oDMwI0/Twpl_hGjSfI/AAAAAAAADzI/1XH_L0jbTjo/s1600/happilyeverafter8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HW_W1oDMwI0/Twpl_hGjSfI/AAAAAAAADzI/1XH_L0jbTjo/s320/happilyeverafter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q7ySwamLwr0/TwpmALK-PxI/AAAAAAAADzQ/daqkojkvcbs/s1600/happilyeverafter9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q7ySwamLwr0/TwpmALK-PxI/AAAAAAAADzQ/daqkojkvcbs/s320/happilyeverafter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-48fEgLwPYdA/TwpmAaVSE6I/AAAAAAAADzY/gsMBHgqMKhc/s1600/happilyeverafter10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-48fEgLwPYdA/TwpmAaVSE6I/AAAAAAAADzY/gsMBHgqMKhc/s320/happilyeverafter10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the chase scene in a nutshell. I'm dead serious.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Finally, after almost an entire minute of mostly recycled parts and brutal acid flashbacks to The Batman/Superman Hour, our heroes run into a dead end and the movie has to once again provide new animation. And what a scene this is, for the wolves had led them to a cliff that can barely fit them and where they can easily block their only exit. I love how bad this looks and how they're inches away from certain death. This is a really edgy movie if it's not pretending to be whimsical and light-hearted by having Phyllis Diller sing and dance around. <br />
<br />
By the way, Dwarfelles? Now would be a good time to use your powers. Mother Nature gave a big speech on how you have superpowerful magic at your fingertips and you misuse it, and yet you're holding back when you're about to die. <i>How does this make sense</i>.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6002_sNrJV4/TwpnwCLIyzI/AAAAAAAADzg/jDByyyoaZ-8/s1600/happilyeverafter11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6002_sNrJV4/TwpnwCLIyzI/AAAAAAAADzg/jDByyyoaZ-8/s320/happilyeverafter11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like how Moonbeam looks pleased that she's about ready to die.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since the dwarfelles absolutely suck at their job, we're going to need someone else to save Snow White, Suddenly, with a muffled "Get back!", the Shadow Man makes his appearance next to a dead tree on the other side of the gorge. Not sure how the hell he survived that mud slide earlier (remember, he was trapped underneath a rock), nor am I sure of how the hell he was able to catch up to the girls when they were busy outrunning wolves, but I guess he's made out of tougher stuff than us mere mortals. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y3fbynF_14c/TwpnwggCXqI/AAAAAAAADzo/Uw0P_K9ReI0/s1600/happilyeverafter12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y3fbynF_14c/TwpnwggCXqI/AAAAAAAADzo/Uw0P_K9ReI0/s320/happilyeverafter12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Scrabbledee magic, scribbledeebolves, and now by this magic, you'll escape from the wolves!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Are the dwarfelles grateful that there's a ray of light in this hopelessly bleak situation? Oh <i>hell</i> no. Instead they honest to god act even more scared of him than the wolves that want to tear them apart and already told Critterina that they're going to eat them. Ladies, seriously. If Shadow Man wanted you dead, he could just stand there and laugh his ass off while the rhino/wolf wuzzles rip your sternums out and gnaw on your intestines. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CJHAlzGrIyo/Twpnw38LLNI/AAAAAAAADzw/AWs3UfKvCZU/s1600/happilyeverafter13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CJHAlzGrIyo/Twpnw38LLNI/AAAAAAAADzw/AWs3UfKvCZU/s320/happilyeverafter13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gUHoWWeudUk/TwpnxYvcuUI/AAAAAAAADz4/X1UKQByphZU/s1600/happilyeverafter14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gUHoWWeudUk/TwpnxYvcuUI/AAAAAAAADz4/X1UKQByphZU/s320/happilyeverafter14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh my god, the Shadow Man's a zombie! He's come to wreak horrible vengeance on us!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Shadow Man speedily shoves the shriveled sapling towards Snow White and her stupid, sniveling shrimps. Try saying that five times fast.<br />
<br />
And don't ask how the tree managed to not flatten anyone even though that cliff looked like it barely had any room at all. The cliff magically grows in size when the tree hits the ground. The Realm of Doom is a strange, frightening place where logic has no place, after all. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-q39dOlLASYU/TwpnxosUi5I/AAAAAAAAD0A/vIba76oHQnI/s1600/happilyeverafter15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-q39dOlLASYU/TwpnxosUi5I/AAAAAAAAD0A/vIba76oHQnI/s320/happilyeverafter15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Trogdor was a man!<br />
I mean, he was a shadow man!<br />
Or maybe he was just a shadow.<br />
But he was still TROGDOR!</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then he beckons for them to come follow them, just in case they can't make the connection between a fallen tree bridge and a potential means of escape. As you might expect, the dwarfelles just can't get over their strange prejudice over people with strange yellow eyes and say not to trust him. Ungrateful little wenches. Shadow Man is goddamn <i>saving your asses</i> and you honestly think it's a trap? Again, if he wanted the dwarfelles dead, he could've just left them get eaten by the wolves, which, by the way, are still hanging around about ready to eat them. <br />
<br />
As you can probably tell, this part of the movie is less Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and more Snow White and the Seven Loads Delaying The Adventure Because They Suck And Can't Use Their Elemental Powers Correctly. Imagine fitting <i>that</i> on a VHS cover.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QewaseJW_ww/TwpnyJh7dLI/AAAAAAAAD0I/Z52J_HjpJGc/s1600/happilyeverafter16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QewaseJW_ww/TwpnyJh7dLI/AAAAAAAAD0I/Z52J_HjpJGc/s320/happilyeverafter16.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NYzHNXa_iv0/TwpnymZX48I/AAAAAAAAD0Q/IVpwBL9XZbA/s1600/happilyeverafter17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NYzHNXa_iv0/TwpnymZX48I/AAAAAAAAD0Q/IVpwBL9XZbA/s320/happilyeverafter17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And while they were gasping at the Shadow Man, the rhino-wolves ate Moonbeam and Blossom. <br />
No one missed them.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Naturally, he actually does help them instead of lead them to a trap that doesn't exist. He's a forgiving mutant, after all. He's just going to ignore the whole "rock on his left foot" incident. At least until he has an opportunity to pee in their trail mix as an act of revenge. <br />
<br />
I do like that the only reason they're running on the tree is because Snow White got really frustrated and said that it was their only chance at survival. Even <i>she's</i> getting tired of their crap. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nmznAYdNJ_I/TwpoSZRwZJI/AAAAAAAAD0Y/kVmN6P8pJNU/s1600/happilyeverafter18.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nmznAYdNJ_I/TwpoSZRwZJI/AAAAAAAAD0Y/kVmN6P8pJNU/s320/happilyeverafter18.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Once everyone's safely across (unfortunately including Moonbeam, who's not going to have a single line afterwards and will continue wasting oxygen for the rest of the movie), they knock the tree bridge down while the rhino-wolves are trying to cross it, sending the sins against nature tumbling to their death. While we hear the doomed mongrels fall to a bone-crushing, gory death, where their carcasses will be picked apart by vulture/bats or whatever the hell the Realm of Doom has, we see a lovely shot of the castle silhouetted by the moon and some clouds. Why am I pointing out the castle again? Because it once again changed in design of course. Now it's on a very tall hill. Damn, Maliss, make up your mind. <br />
<br />
To this film's credit, the backgrounds are actually really nice in this scene. It's funny how this film goes from reusing animation like it's going out of style to having backgrounds with actual talent put into them. This background in particular even has the honor of appearing on the DVD's <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5ZKasYsmcwE/TtSNkjnFJbI/AAAAAAAADP0/MMfznuKa4o0/s1600/happilyeveraftermenu.jpg">scene selection menu</a> with sassy, bedroom eyes Lord Maliss.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XISo5OAl4R0/TwpoSqZ-bcI/AAAAAAAAD0g/-skR7OrSs3k/s1600/happilyeverafter19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XISo5OAl4R0/TwpoSqZ-bcI/AAAAAAAAD0g/-skR7OrSs3k/s320/happilyeverafter19.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mFX6RML_xpQ/TwpoTK8vapI/AAAAAAAAD0o/_dNp7VXlmFo/s1600/happilyeverafter20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mFX6RML_xpQ/TwpoTK8vapI/AAAAAAAAD0o/_dNp7VXlmFo/s320/happilyeverafter20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So, which one of you dwarfs wants to apologize for being assholes first?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Lord Maliss finds out about that his wolves are dead and...oh god, that mirror's face.<i> <b>That mirror's face.</b></i> <br />
<br />
...did he...did he get a sick thrill out of seeing those mutated canines die? Why is he making that face? And why is he so terribly superimposed over that mirror cel?<br />
<br />
I'm sorry, I'm just going to ignore this scene, if you don't mind. My brain can't process this.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-o4aGfWQ3vfE/TwpoTsiJPfI/AAAAAAAAD0w/-9z_by3ZeTQ/s1600/happilyeverafter21.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-o4aGfWQ3vfE/TwpoTsiJPfI/AAAAAAAAD0w/-9z_by3ZeTQ/s320/happilyeverafter21.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Anyways, Lord Maliss has his expensive designer panties all wadded up in a bunch because Snow White "leads a charmed life". Even though, if he has that mirror that gives him great camera angles that are identical to the film we're watching, he definitely saw the Shadow Man helping them and knows she's not doing this by herself. Either way, he decides that he's gonna have to deal with this problem himself, doing the very thing I wanted him to do earlier. Baby steps, Lord Maliss!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QGZyZG2RBtc/TwpoUBzVxhI/AAAAAAAAD04/81ILvhuvJ38/s1600/happilyeverafter22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QGZyZG2RBtc/TwpoUBzVxhI/AAAAAAAAD04/81ILvhuvJ38/s320/happilyeverafter22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This very poor juxtaposition of me over this background makes me <i>angry</i>!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and he's torturing Scowl with one of the classic "suspended over a pit of boiling hot liquid" James Bond death traps for some reason. And, like all good villains, he leaves without knowing whether Scowl's going to die from the death trap, assuming that Scowl's just going to fall in instead of escaping. Man, all Lord Maliss is missing is a monocle, a white persian to sit in his lap, and a villain song (and by the way, the fact that Lord Maliss doesn't get to sing in this movie when Scowl gets a song pisses me off <i>so much</i>), and he'll be able to fill his whole Villain Cliche checklist.<br />
<br />
And how come Scowl's cigar never falls out of his mouth and into that cauldron?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-G--p3xyTG3M/TwpoUezIv3I/AAAAAAAAD1A/WKXpvyM1m5c/s1600/happilyeverafter23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-G--p3xyTG3M/TwpoUezIv3I/AAAAAAAAD1A/WKXpvyM1m5c/s320/happilyeverafter23.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-72FLlK7Mtds/TwpoU8sLNGI/AAAAAAAAD1I/_45UFRQxZnQ/s1600/happilyeverafter24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-72FLlK7Mtds/TwpoU8sLNGI/AAAAAAAAD1I/_45UFRQxZnQ/s320/happilyeverafter24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"No, Mr. Scowl, I expect you to die."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With this gruesome sight of an owl being tortured to death by his master when all he wanted to do was prove how good he can be at being an evil minion, I'm going to once again stop for the time being. The next post about this movie will be the final chapter on Happily Ever After and, while it is more exciting than the wolf scene from earlier, it's also going to have some very stupid plot twists and some very forced morals. <br />
<br />
But with that, I leave with you this friendly reminder. If you're going to keep a rhino-wolf, always remember to take it to the vet to get its shots on a yearly basis. A healthy rhino-wolf is a happy rhino-wolf. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2012/02/happily-ever-after-1993-film-part-4.html">The Shadow Man pushes over another tree and reveals Part 4!</a></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-79064214599792300262011-12-23T20:10:00.000-08:002012-05-30T18:32:08.551-07:00Sonic Christmas BlastYes, I realize I've taken two "breaks" within the last couple of months. In my defense, Christmas means family and finals, and family and finals means "go from staying up all night working on group projects to having to clean up the house and getting ready for a party that includes at least twenty other people". Which means less updates. I feel kind of bad for leaving this site to its own devices, so to speak, and not giving any new content, so to make up for it, I'm doing one more Christmas special.<br />
<br />
And it's one that's very special to me, because it involves one of my childhood heroes, Sonic the Hedgehog. <br />
<br />
And it's every bit as awesome as it sounds.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z5nrbth7aRo/TvQn1TO7t3I/AAAAAAAADns/9LLxyhrdcXg/s1600/sonicchristmasblast.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z5nrbth7aRo/TvQn1TO7t3I/AAAAAAAADns/9LLxyhrdcXg/s1600/sonicchristmasblast.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
But first, some backstory. After the end of both Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and the other show, Sonic the Hedgehog (aka SatAM), DiC Entertainment decided that they wanted to try their hand at making a Christmas special and decided to combine elements of both shows and create a special that will hopefully unite the fans of both shows and join them in the holy war. <br />
<br />
...unfortunately, since this special is basically Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog with some minor SatAM elements, it largely didn't work. Oh well, they<i> tried</i> at least. Barely. <br />
<br />
What also didn't work was the original title. Sonic Christmas Blast was originally called An X-Tremely Sonic Christmas in order to promote Sonic X-Treme (aka one of the most infamous cancelled videogames of all time) but Sega was having some problems with that game and therefore, they changed the name to promote the game that actually did come out, Sonic 3D Blast. Somehow, that just envelopes this entire special with a subtle blanket of sadness. I know that while I'm watching this, I'm going to imagine the dying hopes of hapless X-Treme programmers from Christmas Past. <br />
<br />
I will say this though, hopefully to lighten the mood. While doing some light Internet research on this special, I found the best out-of-context line I have ever discovered in a fan wiki page. While taking a sip out of my lukewarm eggnog, I came across this: "This was the final episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Therefore in that universe, Sonic is now permanently Santa Claus." If that doesn't put you in a holiday mood, then you are beyond help. By the way, spoilers. <br />
<br />
<br />
Now with that out of the way...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Sonic Christmas Blast</b><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pXog3At3Vmw/TvaahnDabaI/AAAAAAAADn4/W52KSPf19yE/s1600/sonicchristmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="302" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pXog3At3Vmw/TvaahnDabaI/AAAAAAAADn4/W52KSPf19yE/s400/sonicchristmas.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<b><br />
Airdate:</b> December 24, 1996</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Availability: </b><span style="color: green;">On DVD</span></div>
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<br />
Yes Virginia, there is a Sonic Christmas special. And what else heralds this beautiful concept than a Christmas remix of the main theme (which is basically In the Hall of the Mountain King on speed) for a theme song. Course, while DiC Entertainment had enough of a budget to make a brand new song, they didn't have enough for a unique title sequence, so instead of going the whole hog (<i>get it?</i>) and making a snow-covered version of that infamous piece of animation where Sonic's running through bizarre loops and Yellow Submarine-esque landscapes adorned with his name, we just get clips from the actual episode. And not only that, but the clips spoil incredibly major plot points, giving away the ending and everything, before the cartoon even starts. I guess you can't win them all. <br />
<br />
The clips in the title sequence also illustrate a major difference in the production values. You know how Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is normally extremely cheap in its animation, to the point where you can make a very compelling argument that this cartoon was drawn entirely by a troupe of trained chimpanzees? <i>This</i> animation is smoother, and they use actual drop shadows, making this special actually look like something that was animated in the 90's. If only the other DiC productions looked this nice. Maybe then my opinion of Street Sharks would be something other than "an assault on my eyes".<br />
<br />
Sonic's also a different, softer shade of blue than the one I'm used to, but now I'm just being a stickler. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wUthMtmN_jE/TvaapysXMoI/AAAAAAAADoE/bFHI1G1rKFQ/s1600/sonicchristmas1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wUthMtmN_jE/TvaapysXMoI/AAAAAAAADoE/bFHI1G1rKFQ/s320/sonicchristmas1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why hello, awesome-looking city. What are you doing in Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Speaking of me being a stickler, the fact that the first thing this episode opens is on a very advanced city filled with actual crowds is extremely different from what I'm used to. Whatever happened to those desolate landscapes devoid of intelligent life? Why are there massive civilizations all of a sudden? Why does the city actually look like it can hold a sustainable population, as opposed to <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-22DG9k4LRac/Tj2N9nkzTxI/AAAAAAAAAh0/6GjTtawdoVw/s1600/sonic9.jpg">the haphazard crumbling ruins</a> they usually depict whenever Sonic enters a town?<br />
<br />
I have three theories on why there's such a big discrepancy between the lifeless deserts and grasslands Sonic likes to speed through and what I'm viewing now. Theory one is that the economy finally got back on its feet and there was a massive baby boom and later population migration to the more urban areas, finally turning Mobius from third world developing nation to first world developed nation with high HDI. Theory two is that only half of the planet was wiped out by World War Three or that massive cataclysmic outbreak or whatever and some parts of the planet, due to climate or natural barriers, was able to avoid that and still thrive despite the massive death and mutation affecting most of the citizens.<br />
<br />
Theory three is that Mobius is just like Earth in that there are just areas with less people, and Sonic just happens to prefer places like Death Valley or Wyoming as his running grounds instead of this planet's equivalent of New York City to avoid slamming into parked cars or pedestrians, but that's no fun.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xO6ZguuGjUk/TvaaqdOhUzI/AAAAAAAADoM/NJN0F7MT_Kw/s1600/sonicchristmas2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xO6ZguuGjUk/TvaaqdOhUzI/AAAAAAAADoM/NJN0F7MT_Kw/s320/sonicchristmas2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">WAR IS PEACE<br />
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY<br />
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The camera focuses on an annoying kid that, judging from the opening, will be in this special a ton, blabbing to his unseen parental figure that Santa's gonna be on the massive Big Brother-esque TV all the citizens are gathering around. Yes, my friends. Like quite a few cartoons of this era, in this universe, Santa's existence is not only believed to be true but is a widely accepted fact, and he even makes public appearances. This means that we're not getting the "main character struggles with his belief in Santa Claus in a big faith-based metaphor" plot today. Instead, I know something's gotta happen to Santa in order to ruin Christmas. Being Santa kind of sucks when every cartoon villain ever wants to destroy you in order to gain street cred.<br />
<br />
Also, get used to this strange hairless primate of a kid with one of the blandest, most forgettable designs in television history. He even gets more lines than Tails even though his role could've been easily filled by that less repulsive character. Hey, cartoon? Why even have Tails if most of the time, you don't even use him?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VrbOTjQnEEU/Tvaaq97QdkI/AAAAAAAADoU/JLWLeNWvAME/s1600/sonicchristmas3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VrbOTjQnEEU/Tvaaq97QdkI/AAAAAAAADoU/JLWLeNWvAME/s320/sonicchristmas3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Mom, can you get me Sonic X-Treme for Christmas? I can't wait for that game to come out!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
On the TV, Father Christmas shakily climbs out of his smelly prop reindeer sleigh with a candy cane (get it?) and immediately announces his retirement. People are understandably upset, because what's a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism without its patron saint of spending tons of money? In fact, they're so upset that they don't seem to notice that Santa's movements are a little...what's the best way to put this? <i>Robotic.</i><br />
<br />
Come on, people. Robotnik didn't even disguise the arm joints and bolts. It's like he knows this planet's populated by morons.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iFN2pKneirU/TvaarEaAl3I/AAAAAAAADoc/BuKGzdI687Q/s1600/sonicchristmas4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iFN2pKneirU/TvaarEaAl3I/AAAAAAAADoc/BuKGzdI687Q/s320/sonicchristmas4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"BEEP BOOP. AFFIRMATIVE. I AM COMMENCING RETIREMENT. BOOP. <br />
GIVE ALL POSSESSIONS TO GLORIOUS LEADER ROBOTNIK."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But don't worry, everyone. The most wonderful person in the whole world (and yes, Santa-bot actually says this) will take Santa's place and make sure that this is the best Christmas ever!<br />
<br />
I don't even need to say who's going to replace Santa Claus. It's that obvious. Sonic never was known for its subtlety or having intense, Inception-level plot twists, after all. I do have to wonder what someone would think if they've never heard of Sonic the Hedgehog and <i>this</i> is how they were introduced to the main villain.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yjBxqByC9xo/TvaarsmymTI/AAAAAAAADok/x5TPHcDzu2M/s1600/sonicchristmas5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yjBxqByC9xo/TvaarsmymTI/AAAAAAAADok/x5TPHcDzu2M/s320/sonicchristmas5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dear lord, <i>that body hair...</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Behold, Robotnik Claus in all of his nightmare-inducing glory! Like all cartoon villains, our loveable bowl of hateful jelly decides that he's going to try his hand at "ruining Christmas" too, and he's going to pull out every cliche in the book. He's going to dress up like Santa, he's going to steal presents, and you better believe that his selfishness is going to cause the death of Tiny Tim. But, to be fair, this cartoon kind of knows its doing the obvious replacement Santa stock Christmas plot and just runs with it, letting us know that it's having a blast with the material it was gifted. For starters, Grotesque Hairy Claus does his "I'm so not an evil Santa" act with lot more flair and enjoyment than your average "I'm going to be an asshole to people because I'm mean!" villain that you get in these cartoons. He just looks so awesome as the perverted image of Christmas. It's probably the fact that, while he's doing it, he has a robot chicken and a robot tank as cheerleaders. Name one other villain that has that.<br />
<br />
Oh, and those R's on Scratch and Grounder's sweaters? They look suspiciously like Robin's insignia from the Batman comics. Who knew those two were secretly nerds?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sMyPxLUflAI/TvaasDuANnI/AAAAAAAADos/b410Yqt5gY8/s1600/sonicchristmas6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sMyPxLUflAI/TvaasDuANnI/AAAAAAAADos/b410Yqt5gY8/s320/sonicchristmas6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"To protect the world from devastation!"<br />
"To unite all peoples within our nation!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Robotnik goes on, mentioning that there will be a few small changes to the holiday now that he's in Kringle's festive shoes. If you've watched any cartoons at all during the holiday season in the past twenty years, you could probably imagine exactly what Robotnik says without me actually saying it. To sum it up, he's going to ruin Christmas while acting like he's saving Christmas, because he's a big fat jerk that eats puppies and craps evil. It's not the most creative of acts. <br />
<br />
Personally, I just wish we saw more of the urbanites' reaction to the fact that they walked outside and were standing outside in the snow for a glimpse of Kriss Kringle, and instead get over forty feet of loose, exposed jiggling fat and skin covered in bear fuzz projected from a high-definition TV with surround sound. Not only is it disappointing, but also disgusting. Robotnik Claus is dangerously close to violating public indecency laws here.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EpV__nk_JAo/TvabJn-c9GI/AAAAAAAADo4/UqKqDAoyFFQ/s1600/sonicchristmas7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EpV__nk_JAo/TvabJn-c9GI/AAAAAAAADo4/UqKqDAoyFFQ/s320/sonicchristmas7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I find it both hilarious and sad that Robotnik's too fat to fit in a Santa suit. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Luckily, this ends rather quickly, and I get the one scene I wanted the most (and just in time for Christmas too!) from Dr. Robotnik dressed in a very tight, revealing Santa outfit. In other words, we get to see the Eggman himself scarily try to be a mall Santa for small children and asking the snot-nosed brats what they're going to give to him for Christmas. No other words are needed to describe this beautiful piece of magic grazing my screen. It basically sums up the entire reason why people still watch this cartoon.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Xha2F4pqvm8/TvabKD6nl9I/AAAAAAAADpA/W_RoNMCS7TM/s1600/sonicchristmas8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Xha2F4pqvm8/TvabKD6nl9I/AAAAAAAADpA/W_RoNMCS7TM/s320/sonicchristmas8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No amount of therapy will remove Robotnik's hideous grinning visage from that kid's nightmares.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Of course, Bland Child Protagonist (he never gets a name in this special) refuses the mighty Robotnik Claus and his reversal of the normal roles of the giver and the receiver (so basically this kid is hates Robotnik because he asked the kid for a present?), but I just have to take the time and compliment the animators here. They really go out of their way to make His Royal Fatness look as grotesque and as frightening as humanly possible and, for the most part, they've succeeded. Just look at how deformed he looks here with this forced perspective. Robotnik Claus sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. And if you're not good for goodness sake, Santzilla will pounce upon your damned squishy body <i>and eat you</i>. Ho ho ho! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RVbj8qxFxrA/TvabKjfuFHI/AAAAAAAADpI/E3MiRLXFOkw/s1600/sonicchristmas9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RVbj8qxFxrA/TvabKjfuFHI/AAAAAAAADpI/E3MiRLXFOkw/s320/sonicchristmas9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sir, the mall staff says that you need to stop eating the children. They've been getting too many complaints."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
What's the kid's punishment for speaking up against Robotnik Claus and causing a scene? Why, he's going to get kidnapped by a robot (who comments on how feisty he is, by the way, making this scene <i>so much worse</i>) and later chained up in the nearest robot factory, of course! That way, he can think about what he's done while he slaves away for the rest of his soon-to-be short and malnourished life as he loses fingers, limbs, and later his life to the unforgiving heavy machinery that occupies the many robot mills that litter the areas underneath Robotnik's jurisdiction. <br />
<i><br />
</i>Wait, this cartoon is seriously saying that Robotnik's punishing a kid by enslaving him and neither the authorities or that kid's parents can do anything to stop him?<i> Damn. </i>That's not a very festive plot point there, Robotnik Claus.<i><br />
</i><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e7cPTrk1rjM/TvabLCQUMjI/AAAAAAAADpQ/LQ9lamZZdkw/s1600/sonicchristmas10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e7cPTrk1rjM/TvabLCQUMjI/AAAAAAAADpQ/LQ9lamZZdkw/s320/sonicchristmas10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Child kidnapping sure puts me in the holiday spirit!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since that's a pretty depressing plot point for a Christmas cartoon, the animators hastily add in a cross-dissolve, one that will appear in every single scene transition on account an underpaid editor was bored one night at DiC Entertainment. It's hard to describe it since I can't really screencap it, but imagine your basic PowerPoint "fancy" special effects, the stuff that instantly make your presentations look childish. That's basically what they used and it's annoying as hell. And don't ask why I spent a paragraph griping about this since this is my blog.<br />
<br />
But ignoring that, Sonic finally enters the scene with his delightful Urkel voice. And <i>Sally Acorn</i> of all people is with him, and she's sporting her classic pink-furred look from the SatAM pilot just to make things even more surreal. As you would imagine, this is the scene everyone remembers, because Sally Acorn in Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is just such a mind-blowing, reality-destroying concept that most Sonic fans don't remember anything else from this special. Which is funny in retrospective because Sally doesn't get one line of dialogue, nor does she do much. The most memorable moment in this twenty minute cartoon is a <i>cameo</i>. That's<b> sad.</b><br />
<br />
Speaking of cameos, I like how little this special gives a crap about the other Sonic cartoon, even though this was billed as a combination of both cartoons. They managed to round up the entire cast from AoStH and for the most part keep to that show's tone, and yet they only grabbed one SatAM character and she doesn't even get any lines. How is this fair? At least throw Antoine in a random crowd scene or something!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Jy-ii5u1GCk/TvabLX_7hUI/AAAAAAAADpY/IpSqjXiwg4g/s1600/sonicchristmas11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Jy-ii5u1GCk/TvabLX_7hUI/AAAAAAAADpY/IpSqjXiwg4g/s320/sonicchristmas11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, Sonic X-Treme is going to be awesome! I bet it'll even sell more copies than Super Mario 64!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Oh right, the plot. Sonic says that he's going to get Sally some presents while she just stands there with her mouth hanging open, and he quickly runs off to play with his mutated friend Tails. We then get to see how awkwardly they shoehorn the SatAM elements into this special when we hear Sonic say to his mutant fox friend that they're going to Robotropolis (weirdly pronounced Robot-tropolis here) in order to buy Sally some Christmas presents. Anyone with even a cursory knowledge of SatAM can instantly pinpoint the error here. Namely, the fact that Sonic is heading towards a dystopian deathtrap of a city filled with roboticized citizens, nuclear waste, horrible pollution, and airtight security, in order to knock some items off his shopping list. Sonic, there's a fine line between being a badass and just being a moron and you just crossed it. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2fViJnNNkJM/TvabL2z-YRI/AAAAAAAADpg/ngPopFgBm5s/s1600/sonicchristmas12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2fViJnNNkJM/TvabL2z-YRI/AAAAAAAADpg/ngPopFgBm5s/s320/sonicchristmas12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh boy! I love shopping at the suppressed, horrible dictatorship that roboticized most of my loved ones!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Speaking of shoehorning some stuff in, we get a scene where a bird examines Sonic's ring and points out some mystical symbol on it that will definitely come up later in the plot. This bird (or should I say <i>Flicky</i>) exists because, at the last moment, this Christmas special had to tie-in with Sonic 3D Blast instead of that ill-fated piece of vaporware so they had to throw <i>something</i> in. I love it when cold facts such as these just make this cartoon look like such a commercial byproduct.<br />
<br />
Oh, and that ring is a gift from Sally. For some reason, Sonic isn't at all worried about the fact that Sally gave him a ring for a present, especially one with a special symbol on it that draws the attention of strangers. Considering Sonic, I wouldn't be surprised if he just tuned her out and didn't even hear the words "engagement" or "fiance".<br />
<br />
Incidentally, this ring is such an important plot point that the animators can never remember to draw it on Sonic's hand. Which is kind of embarrassing, since it's not exactly a complicated article of clothing they need to keep track.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GAa26FvRe5g/TvadidsPKMI/AAAAAAAADps/rEocybDOhwc/s1600/sonicchristmas13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GAa26FvRe5g/TvadidsPKMI/AAAAAAAADps/rEocybDOhwc/s320/sonicchristmas13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1mA5B89o6-8/TvadilDQKpI/AAAAAAAADp0/ZaQOU-wDGKg/s1600/sonicchristmas14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1mA5B89o6-8/TvadilDQKpI/AAAAAAAADp0/ZaQOU-wDGKg/s320/sonicchristmas14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fun fact: Sonic 3D Blast wouldn't be enough to save the Saturn and <br />
the console became a dismal failure. Happy Holidays!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Freaky Deformed Fox Sidekick argues with his corporate mascot of a friend that going to Robotropolis is a pretty idiotic idea considering it's, you know, Robotnik's fortress filled with robotic slaves and all that. Sonic counters this by saying that Sally is even more dangerous than Robotnik when she doesn't get her presents and the argument is over. Hah hah, <i>women</i>, am I right?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6sMI1WTd8z8/TvadjHzkshI/AAAAAAAADp8/w7GMzLjmSE0/s1600/sonicchristmas15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6sMI1WTd8z8/TvadjHzkshI/AAAAAAAADp8/w7GMzLjmSE0/s320/sonicchristmas15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sonic; a real man's man.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So Mario's greatest enemy speeds off to his doom and...okay DiC Entertainment. Where did you get the budget all of a sudden? This city and these backgrounds actually look pretty damn impressive for a company that typically depicts buildings as <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2TMyPWimrrA/TrWey3kVlFI/AAAAAAAACg4/1flvdOQSpl8/s1600/roadhog4.jpg">a series of shapeless boxes set against a stark pastel void</a>. Even the sky has more thought put into it than normal! Am I really looking at the same cartoon that typically depicts towns in a way that makes me envision pestilences or harsh famines? Where's the wastelands of Mobius that I'm used to?<br />
<br />
Or, here's a better question. <i>Why couldn't the rest of the series look this good?</i> This special is proving that you could have the lighthearted, slapstick-filled cartoon have decent animation and backgrounds; why wait until a special that takes place three years after the show's end to do this?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-51aCG2YH3Bc/Tvadji7NqcI/AAAAAAAADqE/fPXRyDIoLno/s1600/sonicchristmas16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-51aCG2YH3Bc/Tvadji7NqcI/AAAAAAAADqE/fPXRyDIoLno/s320/sonicchristmas16.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GHl7ze0jUiY/TveK7N0nIrI/AAAAAAAADqQ/VrwouRF9Ejw/s1600/sonicchristmas17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GHl7ze0jUiY/TveK7N0nIrI/AAAAAAAADqQ/VrwouRF9Ejw/s320/sonicchristmas17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Effort in Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Apparently it does exist.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, in Robotropolis, we see Scratch and Grounder bugging random citizens with their humbuggery and horrible Christmas spirit. Since they're not on hedgehog duty, their job is basically going from door to door and demanding that random strangers give them things. This starts out cute, on account they're doing this while wearing little Santa hats, until we hear a man frantically beg for the robots to have mercy on him because he lost his job, his wife is sick, they sold all the furniture to pay their bills, and that the house is all they have left. Then this scene quickly takes a turn for the terrifying when we see these two robots essentially repossess a destitute man's house, leaving him and his wife to die out in the streets. Man, Robotnik must've done some serious reprogramming to his toady robots in time for the holidays because holy <i>crap.</i><br />
<br />
Again, why couldn't we have this in the actual show? It's a great way to end the series I guess, but a little of this in the actual episodes would've been nice.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FwdJoB8n3e0/TveK7g-qN0I/AAAAAAAADqY/k5NExQ5JmTs/s1600/sonicchristmas18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FwdJoB8n3e0/TveK7g-qN0I/AAAAAAAADqY/k5NExQ5JmTs/s320/sonicchristmas18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Now, I lent you some money, and I don't see it. Do you know what happens when I don't see my money? <br />
People get hurt. People like you get hurt. Do I make myself clear?"<br />
"Please don't take my thumbs, Scratch! The money's on the way! Honest!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, Sonic catches wind of this, not from the yellow man and his wife dying of hypothermia (I find it rather chilling that we never see or hear of this couple ever again in this special), but by finding out that the stores are empty because robots are raiding them and stealing everything that isn't nailed down. I like how the hedgehog found out about Robotnik's misgivings from the most selfish way possible. Sure, some poor jaundiced family just got their only possessions taken from them, but <i>oh no!</i> Sonic might not buy a Christmas present for his princess girlfriend!<br />
<br />
And, from the looks of the robots stealing all the presents, Robotnik really goes all the way with his "ruining Christmas" stunt. You have to admire a man who's taking a page out of The Grinch's book. I'm half expecting the cartoon to start narrating the actions in rhyme. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hZEK0nI7Bds/TveK7wIXa4I/AAAAAAAADqg/nyJ8PYTtGoo/s1600/sonicchristmas19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hZEK0nI7Bds/TveK7wIXa4I/AAAAAAAADqg/nyJ8PYTtGoo/s320/sonicchristmas19.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s-wOxexn5KY/TveK8iwS1vI/AAAAAAAADqo/mN-cynjfoFg/s1600/sonicchristmas20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s-wOxexn5KY/TveK8iwS1vI/AAAAAAAADqo/mN-cynjfoFg/s320/sonicchristmas20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Robotnik's as cuddly as a cactus and as charming as an eel.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But then, that kid from earlier (you know, the one that was enslaved in the mall at the beginning of the special) catches Sonic's attention and informs him of the plot so far. I love this scene, if only because this kid says "and Robotnik Claus sent me to a robot factory" and that the robots are now after him in a voice that makes it sound like only a minor inconvenience. <i>Geez</i>, kid. It's not like you dropped your ice cream cone or stubbed your toe. You were forced to provide child labor for a hideous, unforgiving dictator! You could stand to be a little bit sadder about that experience!<br />
<br />
Oh, and this annoying little brat broke free from his chains and fled the robot factory off screen, and we never see nor hear any details about his daring escape. You buy that, viewers? Because I certainly don't. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GyD1nCWW7IA/TveK9NFwXHI/AAAAAAAADqw/mlETKOeyrYo/s1600/sonicchristmas21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GyD1nCWW7IA/TveK9NFwXHI/AAAAAAAADqw/mlETKOeyrYo/s320/sonicchristmas21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"And then, after slitting the throats of the two head guards, I climbed into the air vent and made my way to the command center, where I reprogrammed the security cameras and laser grids so that the exits were unguarded..."<br />
"Awww, that's so cute!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since this kid is apparently on the lam, Bebop and Rocksteady show up in a giant, ridiculous death machine (the<i> best kind</i> of death machine) and, for the first time in this show's history, they're extremely menacing. Christmas has come early for this blogger, because this is the best thing this cartoon could possibly do. Scratch and Grounder are already the main reason people watch this show; the idea that they'd actually be adequate villains with real firepower instead of just minor inconveniences to Sonic is something that's almost too awesome to be real. It truly is a Christmas miracle. Now all they need to do is add them in the Sonic games. Shut up, I can dream!<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, they're going to get points deducted for revealing to Sonic in the form of villainous gloating that the Santa on TV was actually a robot (and he's, for some reason, riding the machine of mass destruction with them, probably to make the death trap more festive) and that the real Santa is being held captive somewhere, but I guess they're taking baby steps with this whole "actually a threat" thing. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FVo0oGKpBd8/TveK9i5-QXI/AAAAAAAADq4/q755FNq0zVc/s1600/sonicchristmas22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FVo0oGKpBd8/TveK9i5-QXI/AAAAAAAADq4/q755FNq0zVc/s320/sonicchristmas22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Scratch, Grounder, and Santa Claus. Together, they fight crime!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm gonna also deduct points for their "death trap", because, now that I stop and really examine it, is probably the stupidest machine in this entire show. Their plan to kill the blue menace is to drive a very slow-moving tank into view and, through the use of a slow-moving magnet operated by a slow-moving lever, drop a heavy present with spikes on top of them, all while cracking puns ("Merry Crushmas!" and "Smashing New Year!" are both used) in their direction. From the size of the present (I'm positive a regular person can dodge that) and how Sonic is the fastest thing alive, you can already tell that they're going to fail without even seeing the results. Come on, Scratch and Grounder. If your hero can run fast, maybe you need to make weapons that take that power into account and make something that's actually fast. If you can waste materials constructing an overly elaborate magnet and weight system to kill your foe, then you can build a more conventional weapon. I'm sure you can make decent-enough Christmas puns for a flamethrower or some missile launchers. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1oBCsk5RFPY/TveK-OTl0YI/AAAAAAAADrA/4jyGXj-AuDM/s1600/sonicchristmas23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1oBCsk5RFPY/TveK-OTl0YI/AAAAAAAADrA/4jyGXj-AuDM/s320/sonicchristmas23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Eat overly elaborate and easy to dodge death, punk!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As expected, Sonic makes pretty quick work of all three of them, even though the Santa Robot really didn't do anything wrong besides be an accomplice for fraud. It's pretty gruesome work at that. With the extra money flowing into this cartoon's production values like an emergency blood transfusion for a dying patient, that gives the artists extra freedom to draw more detailed and downright cruel robot carnage throughout this entire episode. At one point, you even see the severed cables in their body parts, because when I think Christmas, I think someone's veins getting cut in a horrible act of assault and battery. <br />
<br />
It sounds like I'm making too big of a deal about this, but that's because plenty of cartoons like to use the "it's not violent if it's a robot" rule. Would Sonic be this violent to Robotnik's creations if they had flesh and blood? I'm guessing no, because Sonic thinks robots aren't really people even though these two have proven that their AI's powerful enough to give them sentience. That<i> monster.</i><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mbAbtzYolTU/Tveq7PAb_5I/AAAAAAAADrM/Yn1P_IotRII/s1600/sonicchristmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mbAbtzYolTU/Tveq7PAb_5I/AAAAAAAADrM/Yn1P_IotRII/s320/sonicchristmas.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5zMag24crPI/Tveq8YJakgI/AAAAAAAADrU/Ong5fFDoMlg/s1600/sonicchristmas1.5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5zMag24crPI/Tveq8YJakgI/AAAAAAAADrU/Ong5fFDoMlg/s320/sonicchristmas1.5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just because they're robots doesn't mean they don't have hopes and dreams, Sonic!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I do like how quickly Tweedledee and Tweedledum literally pull themselves together after each trashing scene, though. They're just that used to having their body parts fly off from hedgehog-related accidents so they just shrug off the pain (and yes, they can somehow feel pain despite being robots) and attach their limbs back on their bodies so they can continue fighting the enemy that they've known since their creation. They're still idiots pursuing an impossible task but you gotta love their persistence. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D9jsK40vbpk/Tveq8yHf_0I/AAAAAAAADrc/FJAtW3UYxkI/s1600/sonicchristmas1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D9jsK40vbpk/Tveq8yHf_0I/AAAAAAAADrc/FJAtW3UYxkI/s320/sonicchristmas1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took a hedgehog to the knee." </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Okay, so Felix the Cat's cousin beat his two incompetent adversaries and knows that Robotnik is holding the real Santa Claus captive. Now all he needs to do is learn <i>where</i> Santa Claus is being held. Luckily, there's a really simple way to get that kind of information from Scratch and Grounder. All Sonic has to do is simply dress up as a garbage man and flat-out ask the two robots where Santa is.<br />
<br />
...yes, this is really what happened and <i>yes</i>, it's as stupid as it sounds. And Scratch and Grounder were doing so well earlier.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OX1cn9mk-PQ/Tveq9ucJC3I/AAAAAAAADrk/9UKhak4x1Yc/s1600/sonicchristmas2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OX1cn9mk-PQ/Tveq9ucJC3I/AAAAAAAADrk/9UKhak4x1Yc/s320/sonicchristmas2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Uh, Mr. Garbage Man? Why are you walking around in freezing temperatures without any pants?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Back to Robotnik Claus, a premise that I'm still surprised actually exists. We find that, while Scratch and Grounder were committing heinous acts of repossession in his name, he suffered through a massive stroke and told his robots to randomly build a fortress with thousands of chimneys attached to it. Because he's Santa. I like how you can pinpoint the very moment that the cocaine in the DiC Entertainment water supply started to kick in for the writers.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3_oal0DW5Vo/Tveq-vmeHUI/AAAAAAAADrs/21UXsdS7paw/s1600/sonicchristmas3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3_oal0DW5Vo/Tveq-vmeHUI/AAAAAAAADrs/21UXsdS7paw/s320/sonicchristmas3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes. This makes total sense.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Why <i>does</i> he want more chimneys anyway, a robot that looks suspiciously like one of the robots from Mean Bean Machine questions his fat lord and master. Because on Christmas night, everyone else in the entire world is supposed to use them in order to give Robotnik tons of presents, in a very bizarre reversal of the trademark Santa Claus myth. Okay. Can't argue with logic that insane.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hSjur9GWaKk/Tveq-zvZjpI/AAAAAAAADr0/GvEU4Ckldj8/s1600/sonicchristmas4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hSjur9GWaKk/Tveq-zvZjpI/AAAAAAAADr0/GvEU4Ckldj8/s320/sonicchristmas4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If I was in the same helicopter as a deranged fat man dressed like Santa, I'd be making that exact same face.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unfortunately for Robotnik's good mood, Scratch and Grounder show up and tell their bloated asshole of a creator that they've crapped up. We then get the trademark "Robotnik points a finger and verbally abuses his children" scene, a scene that crops up in possibly every single episode of this show's existence, but then he quickly gets over his anger and we learn that he's going to alert the Swat Bots (more SatAM references!) in order to protect Santa while Scratch and Grounder fetch him Sonic for a Christmas present. <br />
<br />
Uh, no offense, Robotnik, but if you have highly advanced robots that you're using to guard Santa, <i>why don't you send some of them to capture Sonic too?</i> Scratch and Grounder have already failed today and have failed this job a countless amount of times. Do you honestly believe that they're going to succeed if Sonic already knows how to deal with them?<br />
<br />
And for some reason, Scratch has weird heel talons in this episode. I don't remember him having those before. Odd Christmas gift from Grounder or is Scratch experimenting with body alterations?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7S5N48TJfh4/Tverio5BvOI/AAAAAAAADsA/k7DFfbvubkI/s1600/sonicchristmas5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7S5N48TJfh4/Tverio5BvOI/AAAAAAAADsA/k7DFfbvubkI/s320/sonicchristmas5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I call this particular brand of villain logic "Bebop and Rocksteady Syndrome".</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So we find Sonic and Tails journeying to the North Pole, and Tails, possibly in an attempt to make us be grateful for the fact that he doesn't get many lines of dialogue, whines like a little baby about how he wish he brought some clothes on account he's in freezing temperatures while completely naked. Even as a little kid, I disliked how half of Tails characterization was "complain about the surroundings" while Sonic's just expected to take it. Although at least he actually gets more screentime than the SatAM Tails. Man, this character got gypped in these cartoons.<br />
<br />
And wait, how far is Robotropolis from the North Pole? Somehow I don't buy the idea that Robotnik would have his base of operations in an extremely cold and snowy climate. If you have the resources to build a city, build it in a place that's more temperate.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qmtqv7waWGs/Tveri4bKPbI/AAAAAAAADsI/TUKhrpazZpg/s1600/sonicchristmas6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qmtqv7waWGs/Tveri4bKPbI/AAAAAAAADsI/TUKhrpazZpg/s320/sonicchristmas6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, and Sonic has a sled now. I'm guessing he stole it from someone off-screen.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But then, Swat Bots attack them! Fans of SatAM might want to look away for the next couple of minutes, because unlike Sally, these robots don't even try to resemble the other cartoon and choose to instead look like Mega Man rejects bundled up in snow gear even though they have no body heat to preserve. You'd think the people behind this cartoon could spare the time to pull up some documents of the other show that included the Swat Bot character designs, what with this Christmas special being billed as a crossover, but I guess that would've cut into their recreational cocaine-snorting time. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hkbq7lmrTr4/TverjcFztxI/AAAAAAAADsQ/N0UCw83WrYU/s1600/sonicchristmas7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hkbq7lmrTr4/TverjcFztxI/AAAAAAAADsQ/N0UCw83WrYU/s320/sonicchristmas7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, I clearly remember this from the other Sonic cartoon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And, as always, Sonic just kind of destroys the robots without even breaking a sweat, defeating the purpose of even bringing up the Swat Bots in the first place. Why even call them Swat Bots if they're no different from any of Robotnik's other creations? I think the only reason SatAM fans weren't more insulted by this special and the utter lack of respect for their cartoon is because I seriously doubt any of them watched this. I've seen the old Sonic websites, after all. Most SatAM fans like to pretend this show doesn't even exist to make themselves feel better about the whole "their show only had two seasons and then was unceremoniously cancelled on a cliffhanger while this show had three full seasons" thing.<br />
<br />
By the way, dig those survival tactics the robots exhibit. When they're about to plummet in freezing arctic water, their strategy is to stand perfectly still in the exact same pose while gripping the guns they never used tightly to their chests. No wonder Robotnik keeps employing the same chicken and tank combo if this is how his other robots react to the hedgehog.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UmkkUuXYtoQ/Tverj-0zSVI/AAAAAAAADsY/gqPCviXzSVc/s1600/sonicchristmas8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UmkkUuXYtoQ/Tverj-0zSVI/AAAAAAAADsY/gqPCviXzSVc/s320/sonicchristmas8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Of course, Santa's there and I'm pretty sure this small scene where Santa is making with the merry and the ho ho hos while interacting with one of my childhood videogame heroes is probably the meat of the entire episode, the reason why this exists. This is what we came here to see. We wanted to see Sonic shooting the breeze with Kriss Kringle himself, and they certainly delivered.<br />
<br />
I'm not a historian of all of the Santas that exist in this medium, but this one is alright in comparison to the others. In an odd change from the normally deux ex machina-y Santas that litter Christmas specials the world over, this one is more vulnerable and never does anything magical in this entire episode. Sure, he doesn't wave his mighty gloved hands and sprinkle fairy dust over the plot to instantly resolve all of the conflicts, but on the other hand, we never get to see him do anything as simple as going down a chimney. You'd think the Santa that lives in a world with robot chickens, mutant blue hedgehogs, and...whatever the hell Robotnik is supposed to be (and don't say human; no human has demonic eyes that glow with the lights of Hell), he'd have more powers. But no, he's just some useless fat man that managed to squeeze himself into an iconic suit. <br />
<br />
I kind of wish we actually did get to see Robotnik kidnap Santa Claus, if only because I'm picturing robots armed with guns versus tiny toyshop elves and the resulting carnage. It would also help explain why Mrs. Claus and Rudolph are totally absent from this special and why Santa Claus is unreasonably depressed. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R5XIip2EHeA/TverkPD-oPI/AAAAAAAADsg/EmaLv45HPxU/s1600/sonicchristmas9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R5XIip2EHeA/TverkPD-oPI/AAAAAAAADsg/EmaLv45HPxU/s320/sonicchristmas9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This seems to happen every year. If it's not Robotnik kidnapping me, it's some kids from Halloween Town, <br />
or King Koopa, or Shredder..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So they head to the jolly red man's workshop (never saying how they get there), but it's too late. According to the only elf that appears in this entire special (on account of the previous mentioned robot on toyshop elf massacre that occurred off-screen, killing all of his coworkers), Robotnik stole everything. And, with a sad sigh, Santa sits on his jolly red rear end and says that Robotnik Claus has destroyed Christmas without even <i>trying</i> to use any of his own powers. Way to be totally useless, Santa. <br />
<br />
I also have some serious problems about this scene because it's basically saying that presents are what Christmas is all about without anybody correcting the main characters. What about the ending of How the Grinch Stole Christmas where the Whos were able to celebrate without gifts? Is this<i> seriously</i> the message you're feeding your young, impressionable viewers here? That Christmas is ruined if someone takes your gifts? That's not filled with the holiday spirit; that's just greedy! <br />
<br />
The most depressing thing is that this special is not the first to do the whole "Christmas is all about the presents" moral completely straight, and it's certainly not the last. I guess I expected more from a cartoon that has Steve Urkel shouting "Gotta speed, keed!" ad nausem.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TFByEOv9bIw/TverksabYII/AAAAAAAADso/Vz0AzDpZXeg/s1600/sonicchristmas10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TFByEOv9bIw/TverksabYII/AAAAAAAADso/Vz0AzDpZXeg/s320/sonicchristmas10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, if only I had some sort of flying sleigh and the ability to travel across the entire world <br />
and to every household in a single night. That would certainly solve our problems!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In fact, according to the Santa that doesn't even try to use his godlike abilities to help "fix Christmas", this job is so big that not even Sonic's speed will do the job, which causes Sonic to become equally depressed and useless. This scene where everyone is declaring this situation as hopeless and doomed from the start without even trying is just incredibly hard for me to buy, because this cartoon has proven time and time again that Robotnik is largely not a threat, save for some exceptions. Why is<i> this</i> the one time that he's actually won? Why is Santa just rolling over and giving up when some asshole has intruded on his holiday? Fight back, Saint Nickolas! <br />
<br />
Man, I wish there was some sort of plot point presented at the beginning of the cartoon that was just swept under the rug and quickly forgotten on account none of the animators would remember to draw it on Sonic's hand. Maybe that will cure the heroes of their inexplicable funk that they're in.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F7InAYxmpIA/Tverk3RGcVI/AAAAAAAADsw/A_aOL3S_P9U/s1600/sonicchristmas11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F7InAYxmpIA/Tverk3RGcVI/AAAAAAAADsw/A_aOL3S_P9U/s320/sonicchristmas11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And there it is!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And sure enough, some ancient cave drawings in the cave that Santa was being held captive explain exactly what that ring, some random present that Sally got Sonic one Christmas, does. Faster than you can say either "Ass Pull" or "Green Lantern Rip-Off", Santa explains that whoever owns the ring can unlock The Secret of Ultimate Velocity, aka The Power of Running Really Really Really Fast. All Sonic has to do to receive this kind of redundant power is to complete several impossible tasks that I'm sure were impossible to just normal people with regular powers, but will take a hideous mutant with supersonic speed no time at all. Especially considering how the special's over halfway over. <br />
<br />
What does this have to do with Christmas, by the way? Is the Secret of Ultimate Velocity a really subtle metaphor on how fast positive feelings, being friendly to people in your life, and being tolerant of your neighbors around the holidays will transform you into a nicer person, or did the people working on this write themselves into a corner and figured they could solve any plot holes by saying "Wait, what if Sonic could run even faster than before?" in hopes we'd find this cool instead of stupid? Guess which one I think it is.<br />
<br />
And where the hell did Sally even get that ring anyways?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qMWQW-qIqJY/Tver_KmTDNI/AAAAAAAADs8/dXCKzUIJpeg/s1600/sonicchristmas12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qMWQW-qIqJY/Tver_KmTDNI/AAAAAAAADs8/dXCKzUIJpeg/s320/sonicchristmas12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hand + Ring = Plot Resolution!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Yes, this is seriously our next plot point. Sonic unlocking the powers of the magic ring Princess Sally got him for Christmas in order from him to be fast enough to steal the presents from Robotnik. This Christmas special is degrading in quality faster than a fruit cake. <br />
<br />
On the bright side, these challenges remind me a lot of my favorite Sonic level of all time, Ice Cap Zone from Sonic 3. I don't care if the impossible challenges are just "climb this mountain" or "snowboard down this cliffs" in this episode, exhibiting just how creative the writers can be at DiC Entertainment, because all I can hear is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYxlqTpZ-24">this</a> in my head. If this episode had only done a remix of that song somewhere in this episode, it'd instantly gain the "Best Sonic episode ever" award I just made up despite its faults.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-18SZDShcghI/Tver_QfgHZI/AAAAAAAADtE/BCWZP0_fg7g/s1600/sonicchristmas13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-18SZDShcghI/Tver_QfgHZI/AAAAAAAADtE/BCWZP0_fg7g/s320/sonicchristmas13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, Sonic sure is X-Treme!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Oh, and Scratch and Grounder try to capture him while he's performing these impossible tasks to activate his ring. I apologize if this sounds like an afterthought, but that's exactly how the cartoon treated it too. How did these two go from terrorizing some bankrupt man and his sick wife to standing around in the snow, hoping that some hedgehog will step in their useless-looking bear trap? They went from being awesome to back to the way they were within the same special. Fastest villain decay <i>ever.</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WFrMikvY_Ic/Tver_-gt1UI/AAAAAAAADtM/vlXcE7KKNnM/s1600/sonicchristmas14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WFrMikvY_Ic/Tver_-gt1UI/AAAAAAAADtM/vlXcE7KKNnM/s320/sonicchristmas14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is what happens if you don't go to college, kids.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Sonic does more challenges (and they're basically extreme sports, leading me to wonder if the ring is really a sponsor of the Olympics), Scratch and Grounder are punished for being robots, and we get the typical slapstick and physical violence this cartoon is known for, all while set against backgrounds that are, for the first time, actually pretty awesome. For fun, I put a background of Sonic Christmas Blast right next to a background from <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/08/adventures-of-sonic-hedgehog-blank.html#more">one of the previous episodes I covered</a>. Have fun spotting the one with actual effort put into it!<br />
<br />
And now I'm kind of depressed that, since Sonic Christmas Blast is technically the last AoStH cartoon, we're never going to get anymore episodes with this level of quality. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tLHGJ3zFhUo/TvesAYTJBkI/AAAAAAAADtU/BX3mECCYYEs/s1600/sonicchristmas15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="252" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tLHGJ3zFhUo/TvesAYTJBkI/AAAAAAAADtU/BX3mECCYYEs/s640/sonicchristmas15.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is from the same cartoon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
But, despite the fact that Sonic met all the challenges and was therefore granted the powers of a god, Father Christmas still feels that it's too late to save his own damn holiday. Sheesh, thanks for the confidence boost, Santa. What did Robotnik do to you back in that prison that was so soul-crushing that it sapped away all of your backbone, leaving you a sad husk of your former holly jolly self?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w_YOk7xGTX0/TvesA_awf2I/AAAAAAAADtc/kiAL4s0-gJg/s1600/sonicchristmas16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w_YOk7xGTX0/TvesA_awf2I/AAAAAAAADtc/kiAL4s0-gJg/s320/sonicchristmas16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Way to fold under pressure like a cheap suit, Claus. I bet the Easter Bunny wouldn't have given up this quickly!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So Sonic, tired of listening to Santa's whining, decides to uses the power of The Secret of Ultimate Deux Ex Machina and shows us just how fast he can resolve the entire plot by running right into Robotnik's lair, stealing every single present that he stole in about half a second, and even having enough time to spare that he can steal his clothes. Because if there's one thing that can fill me with that warming holiday spirit, it's the sight of one of the most famous videogame villains standing around in the cartoon heart print boxers. <br />
<br />
...don't ask why Sonic stripped Robotnik down to his underwear. I don't know why he did it and, to be frank, I don't want to know.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Thzm-eM68EI/TvesBIZZ8wI/AAAAAAAADtk/aErtT8Wh70M/s1600/sonicchristmas17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Thzm-eM68EI/TvesBIZZ8wI/AAAAAAAADtk/aErtT8Wh70M/s320/sonicchristmas17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F_cQPtMBlWY/TvesBgav9TI/AAAAAAAADts/sE_dekocuJ4/s1600/sonicchristmas18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F_cQPtMBlWY/TvesBgav9TI/AAAAAAAADts/sE_dekocuJ4/s320/sonicchristmas18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To be fair, The Flash does this to the other members of the Justice League all the time.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Our spiky blue hero, somehow managing to carry all of the world's presents in his own two hands without the need of a magical sleigh or any stinking reindeer, he then travels around the goddamn world, giving the presents to all the good boys and girls somehow. Even though, without Santa's list, Sonic has no idea which household gets which gift. Whoops. Way to not fill in<i> that </i>plot hole, writers!<br />
<br />
I will admit, the moment the world popped up, I simply had to freezeframe in order to see the continental structure of Mobius. I'm kind of disappointed that Mobius doesn't have one giant supercontinent, choosing instead to look like Earth as envisioned by a five year old. Oh well. Can't win them all.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CCcpJ7NhqcQ/TvesB3vZ3QI/AAAAAAAADt0/emrxwUW-Eeg/s1600/sonicchristmas19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CCcpJ7NhqcQ/TvesB3vZ3QI/AAAAAAAADt0/emrxwUW-Eeg/s320/sonicchristmas19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If he does this backwards, he can travel back in time and prevent Lois Lane's death from ever happening!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We even get to see that ugly kid from earlier for one last time as he get his presents back. They don't explain how he was able to escape Robotnik's robots (he says that they were after him for escaping the robot factory), nor do we ever get to see his family or if he even has a family. We're just expected to care that he finally has his presents again and be warmed with holiday cheer as he grins like some sort of hideous chimp/human hybrid. <br />
<br />
Come to think of it, why does he even have a major role in this special? The kid doesn't do anything besides punch a fake Santa in a gut and later get sent to a factory with lax child labor laws for it. That's not very remarkable. I think the only thing I really like about this kid is the fact that his eyebrows are not anchored to his body, choosing to instead float around in his hat area like mystical rabbit droppings. I wish I could do that.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iUoaaqVpt0o/TvesCcJCcbI/AAAAAAAADt8/FTDGWxp9kbw/s1600/sonicchristmas20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iUoaaqVpt0o/TvesCcJCcbI/AAAAAAAADt8/FTDGWxp9kbw/s320/sonicchristmas20.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z3Xl0nqIdXA/TvesCgXJImI/AAAAAAAADuE/cz2P0HEtAaY/s1600/sonicchristmas21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z3Xl0nqIdXA/TvesCgXJImI/AAAAAAAADuE/cz2P0HEtAaY/s320/sonicchristmas21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dear Sonic, don't you ever subject me to a child protagonist this nightmare inducing ever again. Signed, me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Finally, we check in on Sally who, despite being a Princess, is stranded out in the frozen wilderness next to a dinky campfire, about ready to die of hypothermia. Fun! <br />
<br />
I know Sonic and Tails are always roughing it in the wilderness in this show, choosing to live the lives of either fugitives or nomads in their noble quest to take down an obese man with an obsession for chimneys, but you'd think <i>Sally</i> of all people would have a place to stay. Seeing her like this is pretty depressing.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G2YRFI7jR-s/TvesDFoKSqI/AAAAAAAADuM/4jL-KS_d_xE/s1600/sonicchristmas22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G2YRFI7jR-s/TvesDFoKSqI/AAAAAAAADuM/4jL-KS_d_xE/s320/sonicchristmas22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It'll have equal representation of both cartoons, they said. You'll have plenty of lines <br />
and screentime, they said. Wait until my agent hears about this..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Luckily, Sonic is there to put her out of her lonely, miserable existence by smothering her in presents because he loves her. During this holiday-themed act of euthanasia, Sally actually utters a muffled grunt of complaint. This is the only time in this entire special that she actually vocalizes something, and it's not even a word. Poor Sally really got the shaft in this cartoon. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fAdFfEMLTpg/TvesDlLAhxI/AAAAAAAADuU/Sc4fPgWlWEo/s1600/sonicchristmas23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fAdFfEMLTpg/TvesDlLAhxI/AAAAAAAADuU/Sc4fPgWlWEo/s320/sonicchristmas23.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Hclhu8y3rOE/TvesEJ_cSwI/AAAAAAAADuc/qk5lUvazAKk/s1600/sonicchristmas24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Hclhu8y3rOE/TvesEJ_cSwI/AAAAAAAADuc/qk5lUvazAKk/s320/sonicchristmas24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Don't ask me where I got the money to buy these gifts. Let's just say that Robotnik's wallet helped."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Instead of actually spending Christmas with the person he loves, Sonic just leaves Sally buried in a mound of presents and runs right back to the North Pole to bask in the pathetic congratulations uttered by a washed up holiday icon. Santa is overjoyed that someone else actually did all of his work for him while he sat on his ass and complained for twenty minutes. In fact, he's so impressed that he actually is going to retire and give his job to Sonic. <br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Wait, <i><b>what?</b></i><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cOdBy_Qn9oA/TvfY1VHCXQI/AAAAAAAADuo/OJt1bVRZetk/s1600/sonicchristmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cOdBy_Qn9oA/TvfY1VHCXQI/AAAAAAAADuo/OJt1bVRZetk/s320/sonicchristmas.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So basically, Santa did nothing this entire episode. <i>Thanks</i>, asshole.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Yes, my friends. While getting captured, complaining about how Christmas is ruined, being sad that Christmas is ruined, and just standing around and twiddling his thumbs while someone else was doing his job, Santa got to thinking. He's come to the conclusion that he just absolutely freaking sucks at being Santa and figures that instead of actually using his holiday magic to do his own job, he's going to retire and continue being a lazyass for the rest of his life while dooming some other poor soul to the grueling task that is being Santa. And here I was, thinking that the only way you could take Santa's place is if you killed the guy, wore his suit, and happened to be Tim Allen. <br />
<br />
The worst part of all of this is that <i>Sonic accepts.</i> Sure, there's a brief moment where he looks like his perception of the world's laws has shattered all around him, but then, after ten seconds of soul-searching, he likes the idea of there being a Sonic Claus and happily takes Santa's place. <br />
<br />
Uh, Sonic? You do realize what you're getting yourself into, right? I'm not sure how one would balance robot-fighting with being Santa, and I'm sure Sally sure isn't going to like the idea of becoming the next Mrs. Claus and having to spend most of her time surrounded in elves with pointy shoes. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lmhe9-_m1pM/TvfY14NcIdI/AAAAAAAADuw/9NV2VqzD3gs/s1600/sonicchristmas1.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lmhe9-_m1pM/TvfY14NcIdI/AAAAAAAADuw/9NV2VqzD3gs/s320/sonicchristmas1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
And then, possibly to soften the blow that is Sonic becoming the next Saint Nick and possibly gaining the immortality and the powers and the reindeer (which are mysteriously absent for once in a Christmas cartoon), a blue hedgehog with a freakish cyclopian eye with two pupils and a useless fox with two tails growing out of his spine wish me a Merry Christmas "for the rest of your life" while waving to the camera.<br />
<br />
Also, don't hedgehogs (at least the ones in the colder climates) hibernate during the winter months? Sounds like Santa<i> reeeeeally </i>didn't think this through.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yZWw8a_pzC0/TvfY2XQewZI/AAAAAAAADu4/SVi-cJL2wvU/s1600/sonicchristmas2.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yZWw8a_pzC0/TvfY2XQewZI/AAAAAAAADu4/SVi-cJL2wvU/s320/sonicchristmas2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
So, Merry Christmas then. Sonic's gonna be Santa for the rest of his life.<i> That's</i> what we're ending this on.<br />
<br />
<hr />
<br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Robots hate Christmas, and the ring that your loved one gives you as a present could end up being an ancient artifact capable of giving you godlike abilities.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict<br />
</b><br />
Three words can sum this special up, and they're words I use to describe this series as a whole. Stupid but fun. <br />
<br />
As you can tell, this special makes no sense, but there's a real sense that they at least had fun making it. The animation is easily this show's best, the slapstick is great, the villains are great, and even the heroes are great. It's just one of those specials where you're not there to learn a moral; you're there to kill twenty minutes and have a good time. This is purely sugar for your eyes as far as animation goes. It won't teach you anything, but it's well-aware of that. <br />
<br />
I think that's probably why I'm not too bugged by the focus being on getting the gifts back and how it's a cartoon promoting commercialism and how Christmas is all about the presents. I guess if this were any other show, I probably would've griped about this more, but it's Sonic. It's stupid, but not offensively stupid.<br />
<br />
I think my only problem, besides the goblin-looking kid that cropped up, is that Santa Claus is the exact opposite of the Santa from Frosty the Snowman. Besides giving some exposition on the ring, he really doesn't <i>do</i> anything, choosing to waste most of his holly jolly screentime bemoaning the fact that Christmas is ruined. This is Santa at his most depressing and really, it's just frustrating to see him not help beyond pulling the whole "your ring is really magic!" plotpoint out of his rotund ass.<br />
<br />
But other than that, it's a cute little special. It's hard to really hate this thing for being so stupid and so obvious in its attempts to promote the Sonic videogames because it's essentially harmless. This isn't one of the Christmas specials I watch every year, but it's still enjoyable. <br />
<br />
Have yourselves a Merry Crushmas and a smashing New Year!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-82543156754876417262011-12-09T11:08:00.000-08:002012-01-31T12:11:14.334-08:00Darkwing Duck - It's a Wonderful LeafSince it's incredibly easy to talk about this show, the next Christmas special will be about ducks in capes.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QefdDXYZ7lg/TiMIXqcf71I/AAAAAAAAAGE/Hdc9zXjAz6E/s1600/Antsy1.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="305" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QefdDXYZ7lg/TiMIXqcf71I/AAAAAAAAAGE/Hdc9zXjAz6E/s400/Antsy1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
Like any good Disney show, Darkwing Duck happens to have a Christmas special, and what a Christmas special it is. You know how Frosty the Snowman never let up on the whimsy and the cutesy-wutesy? This episode, on the other hand, proves that it can have an ending that ends on a warm, fuzzy note while at the same time depicting one of the more horrifying ways to apprehend a villain in this series. Darkwing Duck continues to kick ass and chew bubblegum even when he's supposed to be filled with the holiday spirit, so don't think that just because Santa's in this cartoon that Darkwing's going to let up on the cartoon violence.<br />
<br />
Which is good, because after the schmultz that Frosty and his underaged minions forcefed me, I can use some good old-fashioned 90's-grade violence. <br />
<br />
And before someone points this out, <i>yes</i>, this is yet another Bushroot episode, effectively making three out of the four Darkwing Duck posts I've done so far Bushroot episodes and placing him in a giant majority on my blog. Well, what can I say? The mutant vegetable finds himself in quite a few episodes that are themed around holidays, and he happens to be one of the show's main regulars. I promise you, I <i>will </i>do a non-Bushroot episode next. Mostly because there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and in Bushroot's case, his whiny Tino Insana voice will grate on your nerves after too long.<br />
<br />
So deck the halls with whiny plants with low self-esteem and install really complicated security systems on your trees, for you're about to be bombarded by lame, Disney-style puns in... <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>It's a Wonderful Leaf</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-m8L9K-A4dms/TuOwWICmsOI/AAAAAAAADfg/5PxnA9r_6Ig/s1600/darkwing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="307" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-m8L9K-A4dms/TuOwWICmsOI/AAAAAAAADfg/5PxnA9r_6Ig/s400/darkwing.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, I wish this episode was about an angel showing Bushroot what life would be like if he never existed.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>Airdate:</b> December 23, 1991</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: green;">On DVD</span></div><br />
<br />
<br />
Judging from the unique title card (which might be the only time Darkwing Duck doesn't use his trademark bold white font for a title name) and the jingly holiday music, I can instantly tell that my childhood hero Darkwing Duck realized that he was dealing with a Christmas special and decided that, to appeal to the network executives, he was going to pull out every last cliche in the book just so that every last member of the audience knows what religion he practices. <br />
<br />
We open on a Christmas card, prominently displaying Saint Canard and its iconic and often destroyed bridge, and then it opens up and reveals magical glowing snowflakes and a setting that really overdoes it on the Christmas spirit. I like how Christmas specials are never subtle; this episode makes it very clear that if you're watching this in any other time besides the Christmas season, you're either weird or a Darkwing Duck completionist, although that's kind of redundant now that I think about it. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-smPFhVBIIBQ/TuOwp1OqhaI/AAAAAAAADfo/XP3HDKCkbKk/s1600/darkwing1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-smPFhVBIIBQ/TuOwp1OqhaI/AAAAAAAADfo/XP3HDKCkbKk/s320/darkwing1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q1Eo9EVo1_Y/TuOwqRFYARI/AAAAAAAADfw/_tx1Hpxgobk/s1600/darkwing2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q1Eo9EVo1_Y/TuOwqRFYARI/AAAAAAAADfw/_tx1Hpxgobk/s320/darkwing2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hmmm, I wonder what holiday they're celebrating right now...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And what's our first setting? Why, a shopping mall of course! A crowded, hellish place of a shopping mall at that, one that yells "I'm going to be attacked by one of the cartoon's main villains!" at the top of its metaphorical lungs. In one of the trademarks of the 90's, shopping malls are the cartoon's way of making fun of America's love of capitalism, and this place is no exception. The very first jokes involve just how much people can be assholes on the holidays in their valiant search for a good deal, although this cartoon takes it to major extremes and makes Saint Canard look like a seething inferno of animosity, the way that literally everybody in this mall hates everyone else. Do I really want Darkwing Duck to <i>protect</i> these people? Maybe being enslaved by one of the members of the rogue gallery would be an improvement! <br />
<br />
I do love how overdone these set designs though. Literally every inch of this shopping mall just screams Christmas. The owner of this mall must've spent half the year's budget on all of these lights, trees, and ornaments because <i>damn</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PtytlTF1244/TuOwqlNdttI/AAAAAAAADf4/oIM3y0dyFmo/s1600/darkwing3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PtytlTF1244/TuOwqlNdttI/AAAAAAAADf4/oIM3y0dyFmo/s320/darkwing3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, my <i>ass.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oddly, instead of starting with Darkwing Duck like most episodes, we see <i>Bushroot</i> of all people trying to brave the crowds and being frightened of the wanton cruelty inflicted by his fellow man. I remember as a kid finding this scene kind of strange, because here we have the shy, misunderstood villain (and he actually <b>is</b> shy and misunderstood in this episode, unlike Night of the Living Spud) that is considered so hideous that society thinks he's a monster, and yet here he is in the middle of a crowded shopping mall in a flasher's trenchcoat. <i>Smart.</i> No one's going to be suspicious at all! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_U11V51Y5p0/TuOwrCeNBoI/AAAAAAAADgA/3NHLXWdQSyg/s1600/darkwing4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_U11V51Y5p0/TuOwrCeNBoI/AAAAAAAADgA/3NHLXWdQSyg/s320/darkwing4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"That's it. Next year, I'm buying all of my Christmas presents online."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The whiny little piece of celery says that Christmas shopping gets more dangerous every year, which really kind of goes without saying, when you think about it. After all, last year, Bushroot wasn't a grotesque monstrosity with convicted felonies to his name. Last year, he could just walk up and buy his gifts for his colleagues without having wear a sock over his head to hide the fact that there's a flower growing out of his cranium. Last year, the worst he had to worry about was the ugly sweaters his aunt would send him in the mail or Dr. Gary and Dr. Larson spiking the eggnog at the University Christmas party. <br />
<br />
...unless that happened over a year ago. Thanks to the negative continuity, you can never tell just how much time takes place during this show. Either way, this setup is kind of depressing and exists to make the viewer pity this poor chloroplast-filled loser, because Salad Head's at least<i> trying </i>to fit into regular society and be a good boy without flipping the hell out and holding up a shop clerk at gunpoint. Flowerpoint. Whatever.<br />
<br />
So anyways, before I got off-topic, we see the mutant vegetable avoid the holiday rush by hiding out in a garden shop (because get it, <i>he's a plant</i>) and bemoan the fact that he always waits until the last minute to do his shopping. No offense, Mr. Bushroot, but wasn't it established in previous episodes that you like to steal now? Although if Bushroot was actually going to pay for his presents with some of his savings from before he turned into a plant, that would make what happens next even sadder. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cf_lWQwNhOg/TuOwrqN6pSI/AAAAAAAADgI/BAhvCKVdKME/s1600/darkwing5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cf_lWQwNhOg/TuOwrqN6pSI/AAAAAAAADgI/BAhvCKVdKME/s320/darkwing5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And all of the potted plants are all "Aw crap,<i> he's</i> back!" and try to avoid eye contact.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But I quickly forget that, because what follows just kills me every single time. After avoiding getting trampled to death by a crowd of bloodthirsty shoppers, Bushroot just kind of casually strolls around the garden shop, reading from a shopping list and looking like he's actually going to obey the law in this episode. One of my favorite things in cartoons is when the established supervillains do something casual and mundane instead of shouting pun-filled catchphrases all over the place, which is why I get a real kick out of this scene.<br />
<br />
It also leads me to wonder if Bushroot regularly shops at this store. He seemed excited that he ended up in here, can recite the name of the place by heart, and knows where everything is. I'd love to see what the staff thinks whenever they see the same guy dressed in the same trenchcoat, gloves, and ugly hat combo just handing them sacks of money and buying thousands of dollars worth of plant supplies right after the news reports a mysterious plant-related bank robbery.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hLaJQ32s3yQ/TuOwsBOmX4I/AAAAAAAADgQ/sAjJ4FQ3Y1U/s1600/darkwing6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hLaJQ32s3yQ/TuOwsBOmX4I/AAAAAAAADgQ/sAjJ4FQ3Y1U/s320/darkwing6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like how Bushroot was careful to hide his flower hair and his leaf hands, and yet his <br />
hideous, root-like monster feet are exposed and easily visible. Whoops.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>He finally finds a gift, because plants are incredibly easy to shop for since they don't want any expensive videogames, and then some strange, ugly dogman with human skin takes it. Bushroot, instead of flat-out murdering the guy (because he<i> is</i> an established villain on the show with an actual death count), actually takes the polite, nerdy route and tries to ask for it back. Aww, I love it when villains actually revert back to their previous personas, even for just a brief moment, and you're reminded that at one point, they were just a regular person just like you and me.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, this conversation goes nowhere and makes the hideous human/canine hybrid so irate that he swings his shopping bag and<i> actually knocks all of Bushroot's clothes off. </i>And somehow he's totally okay with the fact that he forcefully stripped a person in public<i>. </i>I love cartoons.<br />
<br />
Also, if someone swung a shopping bag hard enough to knock someone to the floor, I'm pretty sure that counts as criminal battery. I hope ugly hairless dog person (is that fur or skin? Seriously, what am I staring at here?) likes spending Christmas in a jail cell because I'm positive that plant store has security cameras.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zDPvgLLjsi8/TuOxWXk1JGI/AAAAAAAADgY/sJkDekQEg1A/s1600/darkwing7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zDPvgLLjsi8/TuOxWXk1JGI/AAAAAAAADgY/sJkDekQEg1A/s320/darkwing7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"No offense, sir, but you really don't look like the gardening type. The Redneck Emporium is in that direction!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So our now naked villain lands in a barrel filled with rakes, where he ends up scaring a little girl with his deformities. Aww, poor hideous Bushroot, making children cry. It's only Christmas Eve and already this is shaping up to the worst Christmas in his life.<br />
<br />
Although to be fair, the fact that he popped out of a barrel and started loudly complaining about the fact that she pulled his hair probably wasn't the best idea in the world, not when he's a monster that regularly appears in news stories and,<i> again</i>, has at one time viciously killed two people at a local university. I don't care if she plucked one of your petals out, Bushroot. You're kind of not supposed to be seen in public. You can be more discreet than this!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HF4VI6B6tcI/TuOxW0uh_mI/AAAAAAAADgg/oKZ0QGBQidE/s1600/darkwing8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HF4VI6B6tcI/TuOxW0uh_mI/AAAAAAAADgg/oKZ0QGBQidE/s320/darkwing8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oscar the Grouch in his early years.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The mother of the pig girl (by the way, keep an eye out for these two; they happen to be reoccurring characters in this episode) turns around and...man, is that Bushroot expression inappropriate. Why is he in such a good mood all of a sudden? He's naked, exposing the fact that he's a frightening beast, and yet he looks like he's just chilling there in that barrel, having a swell time. Did yelling at the girl satisfy him? Does he take pleasure in the tears of children?<br />
<br />
Eh, maybe he's happy that, for once, people are actually going "eww, a monster!" at him. There was a surprising lack of that in Beauty and the Beet and Night of the Living Spud, so I'm happy this scene exists so I don't just assume that Bushroot's being a drama queen and overreacting over a little greenness. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sa19Florza8/TuOxXEdASHI/AAAAAAAADgo/pP-NjGJwR_w/s1600/darkwing9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sa19Florza8/TuOxXEdASHI/AAAAAAAADgo/pP-NjGJwR_w/s320/darkwing9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"There's a naked man in this barrel of rakes!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anyways, before I got distracted, Miss Piggy screams that there's a plant monster. Okay, typical freakout scene, I was kind of expecting this to happen from the moment Bushroot entered the mall in disguise since he must never succeed. But then this unnamed character actually takes a level in sheer badassery by actually grabbing a rake and starts beating the everliving <i>crap</i> out of Bushroot, forcing him to pitifully crawl away as fast as he can before she breaks his skull open like a chloroplast-filled pinata. <br />
<br />
Now remember, Bushroot is a supervillain who regularly goes to prison, has had the city at his mercy several times over the course of the show, has kidnapped people more than once, and can create vampire potatoes. He's actually <i> killed</i> people in an episode. And this bystander, this overweight woman with a bratty child, is handing his ass to him. I both feel bad for Bushroot and want to give this woman a Medal of Badassness.<br />
<br />
By the way, also criminal battery. This would so not happen at my mall because the cops there would haul you away faster than you can say "but he started it!". <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VLVcC1FmnNM/TuOxXvzvAKI/AAAAAAAADgw/JIxQh0Ceb7M/s1600/darkwing10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VLVcC1FmnNM/TuOxXvzvAKI/AAAAAAAADgw/JIxQh0Ceb7M/s320/darkwing10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The other members of the Fearsome Five like to bring this incident up all the time, <br />
right after they bring up the vampire potato wife.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Flowerhead McLeafhands runs around aimlessly in fear, like Solid Snake after the player accidentally fails at being stealthy, and...holy crap, where did that mob come from?! One moment, Bushroot just has the attention of one badass woman and her daughter, and the next moment, the entire mall is filled with people toting torches, pitchforks, and lawnmowers. Man, the way this city can just spontaneously generate a mob of people willing to stab Bushroot to death with farming tools just puts me in the Christmas spirit. <br />
<br />
Also, <i>where the hell are the cops</i>? I don't mean that because of Bushroot either; that mob is a huge safety hazard! Open flames in a mall! People running really fast with lethal pitchforks on slippery tile floors! I bet off-screen, the Old Navy burst into flames, several small children were ground to death by those lawnmowers, and someone was stabbed in the neck after the guy in the front tripped.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7MhJ2FUJBu8/TuOxX2KcX4I/AAAAAAAADg4/o92Uc1Jj3oU/s1600/darkwing11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7MhJ2FUJBu8/TuOxX2KcX4I/AAAAAAAADg4/o92Uc1Jj3oU/s320/darkwing11.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CsfqeD3M2jw/TuOxYSKrTyI/AAAAAAAADhA/kaTQRgDw2Mw/s1600/darkwing12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CsfqeD3M2jw/TuOxYSKrTyI/AAAAAAAADhA/kaTQRgDw2Mw/s320/darkwing12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to be rooting for Bushroot in this episode?<br />
Get it? Root? Because he's a plant.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The freak of nature escapes, but his mood has soured faster than a glass of eggnog that's been left sitting near a fireplace. He's so mad that he even says "Bah grubbug" in an attempt to be cute. To be honest, his anger is pretty justified. All he wanted to do was do a little Christmas shopping legally. Wouldn't <i>you</i> be pissed off if you went to a mall and people tried to run you over with lawnmowers?<br />
<br />
And, in one of the more iconic Bushroot moments, he complains about the way people treat him while staring hopelessly at his own reflection. I say iconic because if I had a nickel for every time this image has popped up in Darkwing Duck fan forums, whether by itself or with some poetic text underneath it, I'd have enough money to buy the entire collection of Darkwing Duck action figures in mint condition and still have change to spare. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5z6-1xGkbxk/TuOxYsCHIvI/AAAAAAAADhI/wSRJQHRVSXk/s1600/darkwing13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5z6-1xGkbxk/TuOxYsCHIvI/AAAAAAAADhI/wSRJQHRVSXk/s320/darkwing13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Who is that plant I see <br />
Staring straight back at me? <br />
When will my reflection show <br />
Who I am inside? </i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>As you can probably guess, it's right then and there that Bushroot decides he's going to ruin Christmas, on account he's the person on the roster who looks the most like The Grinch. Because why just focus on that mall or just go to a different mall and hope the people there won't be complete jerkwads? Clearly <i>the entire city</i> needs to suffer his wrath! I love villain logic. <br />
<br />
...course, this strangely emotional scene is kind of ruined, because while he's declaring how he hates this holiday (although by that logic, he should hate <i>every</i> holiday on account of the crowds of hellishly mean people in this city), we get to see a cloud of pollen erupt from his head in anger. Uh, eww? Why is his anger making him ejaculate in public? <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rV2O6p13kvc/TuOxZH0jJRI/AAAAAAAADhQ/ShqYvDgzgZI/s1600/darkwing14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rV2O6p13kvc/TuOxZH0jJRI/AAAAAAAADhQ/ShqYvDgzgZI/s320/darkwing14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poor Bushroot was typecast into his Grinch role on account of his green skin.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In typical superhero cartoon framing, the moment we hear the villain's supreme plan to either take over, kidnap, or destroy something or someone, essentially laying out the plot of this cartoon, we have to check in on our heroes and see what they're doing at that moment. As an added bonus, Darkwing ironically says a line that mirrors what Bushroot said. Bushy said soon people will be glad Christmas only comes once a year, and then Darkwing, on cue, says that he's sad that Christmas only comes once a year. Good old Disney writing at its best.<br />
<br />
And remember when I said I wanted to give that pig mom a Medal in Badassness? Well, now Darkwing Duck deserves one, because he somehow turns decorating a Christmas tree into an extreme sport. Why merely decorate a tree when you can decorate it using parkour? <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hzT-dN3QtoI/TuRrqq9bc1I/AAAAAAAADhc/B4LyCL1xoOk/s1600/darkwing15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hzT-dN3QtoI/TuRrqq9bc1I/AAAAAAAADhc/B4LyCL1xoOk/s320/darkwing15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nobody likes a showoff, Darkwing.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This cartoon seems to be filled with inappropriate expressions today, because when Darkwing Duck points out how there's something about the holidays that makes everything seem so peaceful, Launchpad's eyes bulge really far out of his head for no apparent reason. Peace frightens Launchpad apparently, because the poor pilot looks like he's seen a ghost. <br />
<br />
That, or our hero's original line was considered too risque for the target audience and it had to be redubbed.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Eu-g1n8Kzd0/TuRrrLvDgpI/AAAAAAAADhk/F4YY01OdvqQ/s1600/darkwing16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Eu-g1n8Kzd0/TuRrrLvDgpI/AAAAAAAADhk/F4YY01OdvqQ/s320/darkwing16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"DW, there are strange, ape-like creatures watching us."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and Gosalyn, in her rush to appear in this episode, wrecks stuff and tries to open up her presents early. At the risk of getting every single Darkwing Duck fan in the history of the universe wanting me dead, Gosalyn's scenes are, while very entertaining (because I love cartoon violence), extremely predictable. I think it's because her archetype is used thousands upon thousands of times in cartoons (hell, she's just a girl Bart Simpson with a duck bill), but you could set your clock to how her scenes run. <br />
<br />
Gosalyn is really good at what she does, though. In one scene alone, she destroys the tree, disintegrates an antique sled Darkwing's had since he was a little kid, nearly causes a fire, screams really loud, cause her two parental guardians physical anguish, and tries to unwrap the gifts, all without breaking a sweat. And all Darkwing does is stand there with his arms crossed and look slightly miffed. The Caped Duck Crusader doesn't even ground her or spank her (I'm pretty sure if I did what Gosalyn did as a kid, I wouldn't be able to sit down until New Years) or anything. He just assumes that by glaring at her, she'll learn her lesson. Dude, she just destroyed a tree that was worth at least fifty dollars. At least make her sit in the corner! Do <i>something!<br />
</i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7j29QqW1z74/TuRrrn7xaoI/AAAAAAAADhs/ksnRVySAD6g/s1600/darkwing17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7j29QqW1z74/TuRrrn7xaoI/AAAAAAAADhs/ksnRVySAD6g/s320/darkwing17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Destroy anymore of the expensive, irreplaceable Christmas decorations and I'll have to glare at you for even longer!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So, of course, since Darkwing Duck is one of those New Age parents who believes that punishments hurt a child's creative spirit, we end up getting a scene where Gosalyn and her loyal puppet of a friend Honker (it's always kind of sad how in quite a few episodes, his main role is "do whatever loud, demanding friend tells me to do and barely talk at all") try to open presents. I'm pretty sure we were all expecting a scene like this.<br />
<br />
What's stopping her? A Christmas tree alarm on top of an instantly brand new tree, of course! Yes, it turns out that Darkwing Duck's tree has a very loud and very annoying police siren that goes off whenever someone touches a present before Christmas Day. They never explain how the hell this alarm works (Is it touch activated? How would someone set one up?), but apparently in Saint Canard, they're all over the place and they will come up later in the episode. Without giving too much away, remember that Bushroot is a plant-themed villain. Kind of a big clue.<br />
<br />
And man, think of the complaints from the neighbors if you had one of those. Imagine if you were in an apartment and suddenly you were woken up at three in the morning because the snot-nosed brats upstairs tried to sneak a peek at one of their gifts. The Christmas tree alarm sounds like a good idea on paper but I really dread the thought of one actually existing.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jlB4-cMmznc/TuRrr_-PdpI/AAAAAAAADh0/NyHXEDiNejI/s1600/darkwing18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jlB4-cMmznc/TuRrr_-PdpI/AAAAAAAADh0/NyHXEDiNejI/s320/darkwing18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It's the air raid siren! The Germans are attacking!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That scene ends, we open on a happy little Christmas lot filled with thousands upon thousands of trees (wow, that poor lot owner must be bankrupt, considering the lack of business and how little of his stock has sold), and...Bushroot has transformed into a war general, shouting for the trees to rise up against their oppressors and break their popcorn chains in an attempt to take back Christmas from the people who cut them down and regularly decorate their dying bodies with silly Santa-themed ornaments.<br />
<br />
...okay, what the crap. Why is Bushroot trying to turn his near-death experience at the mall into a massive political movement? Is he honestly implying that the people in that mall from earlier were committing a hate crime? There are just so many things wrong with this idea that I don't even know where to begin. I wonder if he was ever this insane about politics when he was just a normal duck working at Saint Canard University and he felt very strongly about certain topics. <br />
<br />
And<i> nice security there</i>, Christmas tree lot owners! It's not like it's Christmas Eve or anything and some people don't regularly pull pranks with Christmas trees! <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Locu_PBtero/TuRrsbYMXmI/AAAAAAAADh8/Y4W4DMSpk9A/s1600/darkwing19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Locu_PBtero/TuRrsbYMXmI/AAAAAAAADh8/Y4W4DMSpk9A/s320/darkwing19.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1436bEZOjtc/TuRrsqwEHvI/AAAAAAAADiE/4UewtIQURfA/s1600/darkwing20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1436bEZOjtc/TuRrsqwEHvI/AAAAAAAADiE/4UewtIQURfA/s320/darkwing20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Don't let the chordates from Kingdom Animalia hold you down! They've been taking advantage <br />
of the fact that we turn carbon dioxide into oxygen for way too long!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And immediately I lost the ability to take this scene seriously (although I never did in the first place) when Bushroot's ridiculous remote control thing shoots out magical Christmas sparkles, animating all of the trees. I guess there must've been some magic in that old star wand he found!<br />
<br />
...and <i>how the hell are those trees able to move</i>? I know, I know, Bushroot has commanded trees to move before and<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5rzR3YH1j9w/TiDavyjVhMI/AAAAAAAAAEc/F8_Y9V8dTog/s1600/Beet32.jpg"> it was equally ridiculous then</a>, but they at least had roots that could support their weight. Christmas trees get chopped down at the base and need a stand and some screws in order to hold them upright. That's like us trying to walk around with no feet. What we're dealing with here is essentially an army of cripples. Fun. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9MzSJYTYSqc/TuRrtMEH_8I/AAAAAAAADiM/Qih2mwdb7bs/s1600/darkwing21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9MzSJYTYSqc/TuRrtMEH_8I/AAAAAAAADiM/Qih2mwdb7bs/s320/darkwing21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Truly the manliest Darkwing Duck villain is right here.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I will give Spinach Butt some credit where credit is due. The first thing he does with his loyal tree army is that he goes back into the mall and gets revenge on both pig mom and ugly half-human dogperson by commanding the trees to do his dirty work and making sure that everyone hates each other and they beat each other up. Although really, considering the opening scene has established that these people are cruel, heartless animals capable of inflicting cruel amounts of violence to each other during Christmas Eve, he really doesn't need to do much in order to make things worse.<br />
<br />
Also, did no one notice the giant army of Christmas trees just marching down the streets, when even just one tree moving would be a major cause of concern? And how far is was that lot in relation to the Saint Canard Mall? And why is Bushroot just absolutely fine with walking around stark naked in the snow when I'm pretty sure his species is not a plant that can survive harsh winter environments?<br />
<br />
I guess the answer to all of those questions is like the answer to all of the questions that came up in Frosty the Snowman. Because it's Christmas, that's why. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Z4oLLXjMDcs/TuRsS4_YGKI/AAAAAAAADiU/WjunElc1Va4/s1600/darkwing22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Z4oLLXjMDcs/TuRsS4_YGKI/AAAAAAAADiU/WjunElc1Va4/s320/darkwing22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, those Christmas lights have their high beams on.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Just look at how easily Bushroot can hide from everybody too while he's causing rage and destruction in a mall that contains only six people! Oh yeah, no one's going to spot him there, kneeling out in the open behind a group of poinsettias that don't even completely cover him!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-43-1jdypYok/TuRsTZE_zhI/AAAAAAAADic/29q5qwmQ4e8/s1600/darkwing23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-43-1jdypYok/TuRsTZE_zhI/AAAAAAAADic/29q5qwmQ4e8/s320/darkwing23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Making five random strangers beat each other up is a fantastic way <br />
to use my miraculous, world-changing powers."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And at one point, Bushroot, who's really going kind of crazy with his whole "Ruin Christmas" scheme, feels like it's a good idea to actually dress up like Santa and be a dick to random strangers, because he really wants to make the Dr. Suess copyright holders angry at Disney. He even calls this part "Phase Two: Sinister Santa", because his evil scheme is apparently so complicated that it needs multiple steps. Does he have all of these phases written down somewhere? Which phase involves stealing the roast beast from Whoville?<br />
<br />
Sinister Santa Bushroot (which sounds like an action figure too cool to exist) is kind of awesome, though. I like how this character can just totally switch gears and go from being shy, nerdy, and kind of a wimp to be an absolute jerk to children who seem like nice enough kids. It's like, yeah, Bushroot's a nerd, but he also has quite the mean streak. Was Bushroot like this at Saint Canard University? Did he ever have to courage to just walk up to Dr. Larson and insult him to his face at times? <br />
<br />
It's also kind of cute how the moment Bushroot puts on a Santa suit, no one thinks he's a plant monster. I guess it's the flower hair that really clues people in.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NomqVJGWRlI/TuRsTgc3t5I/AAAAAAAADik/TcFquNy3lOI/s1600/darkwing24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NomqVJGWRlI/TuRsTgc3t5I/AAAAAAAADik/TcFquNy3lOI/s320/darkwing24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Look, kid, I'm not even Santa. I'm just a hired worker that dresses up as a fictional character in order to get a paycheck because the economy is so bad that my Masters in Biology isn't helping me in the job market."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The best part? When Herb Muddlefoot, that overweight annoying neighbor of Darkwing's that's really quite awesome in his sheer happiness, sits on Bushroot's lap (probably breaking every bone in his root legs in the process) and asks from gifts from the hideous bearded plant man. This might be one of the best scenes in this episode, if not the entire series, if only because I always kind of liked the idea that Herb and Bushroot would be friends (and I'm sure someone on the Internet went the extra mile and supports them as a couple) just by their names alone. Herb seems pretty accepting of alternate lifestyles; I'm pretty sure he'd be a-okay with a emotionally distraught vegetable-like supervillain for a friend just as long as he appreciated the finer storytelling found within Pelican's Island.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xgTaKjPYfiI/TuRsUHfo72I/AAAAAAAADis/Ys8_DBLeqyw/s1600/darkwing25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xgTaKjPYfiI/TuRsUHfo72I/AAAAAAAADis/Ys8_DBLeqyw/s320/darkwing25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Why must we always meet like this, Herb? Your wife's been asking questions..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then, since at one point, Bushroot made that exact same pig girl cry (so what, this large shopping mall only contains like ten people tops excluding the random mob?), it's Super Pig Mom to the rescue and she's ready to win her second Medal of Badassness! Want to know why I see this episode every year?<br />
<br />
Super Pig Mom must also have poor eyesight, because she seriously can't recognize the mall Santa as the same plant monster that started screaming at her child back in the plant store. I guess all ducks look the same to a pig.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_fuwq8GvF7U/TuRsUs8HbAI/AAAAAAAADi0/IVTTR8splC8/s1600/darkwing26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_fuwq8GvF7U/TuRsUs8HbAI/AAAAAAAADi0/IVTTR8splC8/s320/darkwing26.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You degenerates! There are children present!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, Darkwing Duck (okay, his civilian name is Drake Mallard, but come on, we all know he's Darkwing Duck) is going a little nutzoid on the last-minute shopping, purchasing a giant tower of gifts because apparently he knows like fifty other people in his life. Seriously, why is it that every single cartoon I run into has the main characters shop on Christmas Eve? How come Black Friday doesn't exist in any Disney cartoon? How come no one thinks to plan ahead and do their shopping on less crowded days like December 5th?<br />
<br />
I also want to illustrate a weird quirk that was present in this episode. Quite a few of the inbetweens have wonky eyes, as demonstrated by Crazy Holiday-Loving Darkwing here. It's a weird stylistic choice that's present in this episode (and probably in any other episode animated by Sunwoo Entertainment, the animation studio that did this episode) that's probably supposed to make the animation look more cartoony, but it just makes everyone in Saint Canard look like they're suffering from <span class="st">Amblyopia.</span><br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z_sdsUGIJXA/TuRsVOW0xDI/AAAAAAAADi8/XdnpvuoFQok/s1600/darkwing27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z_sdsUGIJXA/TuRsVOW0xDI/AAAAAAAADi8/XdnpvuoFQok/s320/darkwing27.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"DW, I hate it when you do that with your eyes. It creeps me out."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But wait! People are getting their stuff stolen! Because...apparently one of Bushroot's phases was to just steal random things from random people shopping at the mall for absolutely no rhyme and reason to the thefts. His plan sort of dissolved into "I'm going to be a jerk for funsies!", from the looks of it. Aw well, either way, it looks like Drake's shopping is cancelled because it looks like a job for Darkwing Duck! <br />
<br />
Oh, but first he dresses up like Santa and decides to go undercover as a mall Santa in order to search for clues. Because apparently Darkwing just happens to have a Santa Claus outfit just lying around behind an oversized candy cane decoration for no reason. I wonder how the mall owners feel whenever they see the same guy dive behind objects and start stripping.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dRn1tQSGv50/TuRsqVodUSI/AAAAAAAADjE/z6IF9We7BhQ/s1600/darkwing28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dRn1tQSGv50/TuRsqVodUSI/AAAAAAAADjE/z6IF9We7BhQ/s320/darkwing28.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Launchpad, why aren't you in your reindeer costume? We went over this."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>There's a scene where the mallgoers mistake Darkwing for the Sinister Santa, leading me to wonder if the citizens of Saint Canard are very nearsighted or very stupid (money's on the latter) on account the Santa they want clearly is taller and has green feathers. Luckily, The Duck Knight is able to narrowly avoid getting ripped apart by an angry mob by...ducking behind a tree and changing outfits there. Okay. And I guess no one asked questions when the Santa's pilot sidekick is the same pilot sidekick Darkwing Duck has either.<br />
<br />
Also, where did all of the presents Launchpad was carrying go? I'm sure Darkwing's not going to appreciate the fact that Launchpad threw away several hundred dollars worth of presents in his mad rush to get away from the scum that occupies this fair city.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qJqFnYwFaqg/TuRsrDgvGgI/AAAAAAAADjM/t10ljfUSoM0/s1600/darkwing29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qJqFnYwFaqg/TuRsrDgvGgI/AAAAAAAADjM/t10ljfUSoM0/s320/darkwing29.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Why is it that I can't have a regular Christmas without one of the members <br />
of my rogue gallery ruining it for everyone?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We then get a classic line from Bushroot as he, for some bizarre reason, <i>magically appears from behind the same tree Darkwing was behind (</i>yeah, explain that!<i>)</i>, and then says "I'm not really sinister, just misunderstood", which kind of sums up the entire character right then and there. Like the scene where Bushroot gazes at his reflection, this quote pops up a ton when it comes to fanforums dedicated to this show, and it's often a philosophy that many diehard Bushroot fans subscribe to, to the point where they tend to forget that Lettuce Lips can be kind of an asshole at times. Hell, before this scene, he was making children cry! I'm pretty sure we're not misunderstanding your motives, Bushroot.<b> </b>You're just<b> </b>a<b> jerk.</b><br />
<br />
I do like how Bushroot says that he isn't sinister when one of his phases was called <i>Sinister</i> Santa. Kind of being a hypocrite there, Reggie.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Wa93BNn6cDw/TuRsrvZ5Q8I/AAAAAAAADjU/XDCJLSc5XD4/s1600/darkwing30.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Wa93BNn6cDw/TuRsrvZ5Q8I/AAAAAAAADjU/XDCJLSc5XD4/s320/darkwing30.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm just doing this to get attention, really."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Darkwing then discovers Bushroot and, now that he knows just who is behind this Christmas-themed episode, decides to make with the heroic alliterations and starts yelling at him in a typical superhero fashion. Although, really, Darkwing. What the hell did you expect? You have a plant-themed villain on your roster and Christmas is built on the foundations of countless plant slaughter. We have mistletoe nailed to door frames, we have trees grown just so they can be ruthlessly harvested, and to make matters worse, no one even pays attention to the plight of the poor neglected holly! You'd better believe Bushroot was going to make a stink out of it one of these days, even if he was only driven to do it after a pig and a dog were mean to him in a garden shop.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GhB6PD-lK68/TuRsr8YuhNI/AAAAAAAADjc/GXKOcC_qA-I/s1600/darkwing31.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GhB6PD-lK68/TuRsr8YuhNI/AAAAAAAADjc/GXKOcC_qA-I/s320/darkwing31.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, come on! First potatoes and now this? Get a hobby, for God's sakes!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When Darkwing Duck complains about how Bushroot is being a butthole by ruining Christmas, all Bushroot does is cloyingly say "Everybody's got to celebrate in their own special way", leading me to wonder just why the hell he doesn't just explain to Darkwing exactly <i>why</i> his leafy tailfeathers are all in a bundle. Bushroot's one of the more reasonably sane villains in this show; he can talk to Darkwing and explain his problems. If he just said "Look, I was trying to do some legal shopping but then I narrowly avoided getting lynched by a goddamn <i>mob</i>. Look at the security footage if you don't believe me!", then maybe DW might understand where Bushroot's coming from. Hell, he might think some of those people deserve it, because who the hell starts chasing people with a pitchfork in a crowded mall?<br />
<br />
Bushroot's torso is really freaking me out in this scene too. What the hell, did he turn into a snake while Darkwing was talking? The fact that Bushroot's so bendy gives some animators an excuse to draw him really off-model and this episode is no exception.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YpxVuq7ahoo/TuWrgfYjLUI/AAAAAAAADjk/R32ekb2OATM/s1600/darkwing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YpxVuq7ahoo/TuWrgfYjLUI/AAAAAAAADjk/R32ekb2OATM/s320/darkwing.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Stop randomly mutating! It's freaking me out!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, in case you're wondering how Bushroot manages to deal with Darkwing, he summons trees and stands on the sidelines of course. Like all the villains in this show, Dr. Reginald Bushroot suffers from an unhealthy fixation of what defines him and feels like if he somehow doesn't commit a crime that isn't plant-themed in some way, all the other villains will judge him for acting against his gimmick. He just can't branch out, no pun intended. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mRTuH3EyE4U/TuWrgwe8esI/AAAAAAAADjs/m3anOi09MK4/s1600/darkwing1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mRTuH3EyE4U/TuWrgwe8esI/AAAAAAAADjs/m3anOi09MK4/s320/darkwing1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Eat plastic decorations, dogooders!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since our hero knows exactly how this villain plays his game and can just ignore whatever the hell this guy throws at him (because seriously, Christmas tree stars as weapons? What the hell are they even supposed to <i>do</i>?), Darkwing actually manages to complain how much of an asshole Bushroot's being while adopting the best "what the crap" faces I've ever seen on a cartoon duck. It's just adorable how he has to roll up his sleeves before he gives the ugly plant chimera a good talking down too. Meanwhile, look at that smug grin Bushroot's giving to the audience. It's like he knows we're enjoying this.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wASLkymTcVk/TuWrhC97q6I/AAAAAAAADj0/TBCp64CognQ/s1600/darkwing2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wASLkymTcVk/TuWrhC97q6I/AAAAAAAADj0/TBCp64CognQ/s320/darkwing2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Wait a second. You have plant telepathy that can automatically control plants! Why the hell do you need special tree toppers to control Christmas trees?"<br />
"Because it looks cool."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Bushroot, tired of the insults flung in his direction, kind of wanders off in a non-climactic way while the trees hold off Darkwing by pointing their cheap, plastic decorations at him. They never explain just what's so dangerous about the tops of the trees, nor do they use this choice of weapon ever again in this special, but I guess since DW and Launchpad are pressed up against a wall, it must be bad, right?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MvRx1OmGdTw/TuWrhmjAAWI/AAAAAAAADj8/BXlsZBnBSRw/s1600/darkwing3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MvRx1OmGdTw/TuWrhmjAAWI/AAAAAAAADj8/BXlsZBnBSRw/s320/darkwing3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't know, this weapon seems more like something Megavolt would invent...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>...well, no. In fact, Darkwing rather easily gets away from them because his gun can shoot Christmas decorations at random, which causes the trees to get distracted enough for them to slip away. Why can his gun shoot tinsel and ornaments? Because <i>shut up</i>, he's Darkwing Duck! <br />
<br />
Okay, fair enough, so let's check up on Bushroot instead, as he proceeds with Operation Bah Humbug while driving around in a car he definitely doesn't have the proper license to handle. Wait a second, Bushlips. Earlier you were using phases, and now they're operations? Make up your mind! This is the most disorganized evil villain plot ever!<br />
<br />
Also, why a neighborhood? The mall seemed to be the root (sorry) of his problems; I know the show's hero was found in there, but he could still reasonably attack the mall with his plants instead of being a jerk to people who weren't even involved with him not getting his Christmas shopping done. At this point I think he's just ruining everyone's Christmas because we're <i>expecting</i> him to at this point. His reputation is at stake!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x19BAjtsuMw/TuWriKGoJ-I/AAAAAAAADkE/MBtmFSWmcwI/s1600/darkwing4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x19BAjtsuMw/TuWriKGoJ-I/AAAAAAAADkE/MBtmFSWmcwI/s320/darkwing4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not pictured: The truck driver Bushroot mercilessly killed off-screen.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anyways, this Operation makes all the trees start sprouting weird pine needle arms (how would those strange appendages work? Again, telepathy or remote controls doesn't mean the trees mutate too just because you tell them too) and grabbing whatever gifts are spread around them, which they later haul over to Optimus Prime and his plant duck buddy so that they can hawk the stolen goods for fertilizer money. At least, I assume that's what Bushroot wanted to do. I think the reason he never explained what he was going to do with the stolen gifts is because, somewhere in his shriveled little chloroplast-filled heart, he knew he never was going to succeed and just didn't bother.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-doyalNPHtn0/TuWscJXiLJI/AAAAAAAADkM/K7WUO_LHmAo/s1600/darkwing5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-doyalNPHtn0/TuWscJXiLJI/AAAAAAAADkM/K7WUO_LHmAo/s320/darkwing5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm pretty sure if I was a little kid and saw my tree do this, I'd crap my pants in sheer terror. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and the Muddlefoots's tree punishes Tank Muddlefoot, because I've quickly learned that the moment that poor unattractive duck version of Nelson appears onscreen, he's going to get ruthlessly attacked. I know he's a bully, but oftentimes the punishment seems way harsher than what he was dealing out. Hell, this scene? All he does is bite the heads off of gingerbread cookies and says "stupid tree". That's it. And somehow this warrants a slow suffocating death while trapped in a Christmas stocking. Gotta admire how durable that cloth is, though. <br />
<br />
Also, the Muddlefoots have five stockings when they have four members of their family and no pets. Looks like <i>someone</i> on the creative team doesn't know how to count!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KOlyDv_Zn58/TuWsctA4KNI/AAAAAAAADkU/_jWv-62bVjw/s1600/darkwing6.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KOlyDv_Zn58/TuWsctA4KNI/AAAAAAAADkU/_jWv-62bVjw/s320/darkwing6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Oh, and Vegetable Beak ends up running into a Christmas tree alarm, which causes him to, well, do this. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LXOoxLRbUXs/TuWsdKE89jI/AAAAAAAADkc/TOh6S-CA4wA/s1600/darkwing7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LXOoxLRbUXs/TuWsdKE89jI/AAAAAAAADkc/TOh6S-CA4wA/s320/darkwing7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No, that's okay, Bushroot. I wasn't intending on sleeping tonight anyways.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And the award for the ugliest reaction goes to...Bushroot, and his eyeless sockets of doom! No offense to the Disney animators, but this is <i>so</i> not the show for Spumco-esque takes. You can't just have relatively normal animation with a certain style and then just whip out levitating eyeballs for one scene and one scene only! It's incredibly jarring, and doesn't fit the spirit of the show. <br />
<br />
What makes this even worse is that a legitimately creepy scene follows this scene, where all of the trees in the neighborhood form a line with their stolen goods and then get onto Bushroot's truck. I guess, when he's not busy either being a jerk or being a whiny, misunderstood ball of sad, Bushroot also likes to add a little surrealism to Saint Canard. I'm sure if ever wants a little extra space in prison, he just pops his eyes out of his sockets and then relish in his fellow inmates' horrified tears of anguish.<br />
<br />
Also,<i> why isn't anyone trying to fight off the trees?</i> You can't seriously tell me that over two dozen households just didn't notice the trees that could suddenly walk around and carry things with magical tree limbs. I'm not buying the idea that somehow a Christmas tree can hold off any possible threat. We've only seen them subdue little kids; judging by the way my dad decorates, he could murder these suckers just with the use of a tree stand and some awkwardly placed pieces of furniture.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AQ6Pz05yaiw/TuWsdk_jaTI/AAAAAAAADkk/dTwaTLoZV7Y/s1600/darkwing8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AQ6Pz05yaiw/TuWsdk_jaTI/AAAAAAAADkk/dTwaTLoZV7Y/s320/darkwing8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at all of those yard decorations! Truly everyone in this neighborhood just loves the holidays!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I do love it when Bushroot gets behind the wheel of anything in this show, be it a rideable lawnmower or some truck he stole. I'm not exactly sure why he looks so absurd when he drives. I guess I can buy a duck scientist that can turn himself into a mutant plant just by shooting flower blood into his arm, and yet my suspension of belief immediately goes out the window the moment I see him in a motor vehicle. Where the hell does he keep his driver's license in case he gets pulled over anyways?<br />
<br />
And you know what else I love? The fact that for the rest of this episode, Bushroot wears a darling little Santa hat, because it's chilly outside and he wants to preserve as much heat as possible while he's running around in the frigid snowy environment <i>while completely naked</i>. Geez, Bushroot. If you can steal presents, you can steal a coat and some pants.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DjqgslcFoOw/TuWsdy1tQEI/AAAAAAAADks/A4o7iC7HBuo/s1600/darkwing9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DjqgslcFoOw/TuWsdy1tQEI/AAAAAAAADks/A4o7iC7HBuo/s320/darkwing9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh yes, I love this song! <i>She took the midnight train, goin' aaaaaanywhere</i>!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Saint Canard's Greatest Detective manages to catch up to him by driving around randomly on his motorcycle (because apparently this city is absurdly small) and he tries to stop him by...jumping in front of his car okay <i>what the hell</i>, Darkwing. You can do better than this! At point did your mind go "Hey, you know what would stop that speeding truck? If I jump off my motorcycle and land on the windshield" and decide it was a good idea? I mean, come on, if the villain looks embarrassed for you, you <i>know</i> you messed up. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aPoTynp-Ro8/TuWseb3oeCI/AAAAAAAADk0/t2Xyv-7Ykvg/s1600/darkwing10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aPoTynp-Ro8/TuWseb3oeCI/AAAAAAAADk0/t2Xyv-7Ykvg/s320/darkwing10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vehicular manslaughter sure puts me in the holiday spirit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Bushbrain gets away, Launchpad gathers Darkwing's bruised, broken body off of the streets before anymore cars finish him off, Gosalyn and silent but suffering Honker (who hasn't had a single line in this entire episode so far, by the way) catch up, and then Darkwing decides that after nearly getting killed by a speeding truck, he's tired of the violence and the mean-spirited animosity he's harboring to this former scientist. In fact, he's going to go the peaceful, calm route and he's just going to talk this over with Bushroot and maybe, just maybe, they can work things out. It is Christmas after all.<br />
<br />
Nah, I'm just kidding. Darkwing Duck says he's going to do some Christmas tree chopping and pulls out a really huge axe. Because that's what makes me think of Christmas! The thought that one of my childhood heroes is going to happily decapitate one of my favorite villains of all time! <br />
<br />
...I'm pretty sure there's a reason why Bushroot hates you, Darkwing. It's because you're totally okay with lethal force. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3KBGnlZdBLQ/TuWseir7-0I/AAAAAAAADk8/qMpHzGaPzoU/s1600/darkwing11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3KBGnlZdBLQ/TuWseir7-0I/AAAAAAAADk8/qMpHzGaPzoU/s320/darkwing11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Let's get murderous!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We then get a really gratuitously long car chase scene, demonstrating that Disney really can't write a car chase scene to save their lives, where they go after the truck and manage to catch up (again, how come Bushroot's really easy to follow in a city filled with millions of different streets?), Darkwing and Launchpad somehow get knocked off, the children are left alone on the motorcycle, and...wow, Gosalyn knows how to pilot that thing really well. Forget the age laws. If she can do that on a snow-covered road (<i>where the hell are the snow plows?</i>) with no seatbelts and no protection other than a helmet, then she deserves a driver's license. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-51vBWYgZTZ0/TuWsfHH-gSI/AAAAAAAADlE/LqmVyakh6Sw/s1600/darkwing12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-51vBWYgZTZ0/TuWsfHH-gSI/AAAAAAAADlE/LqmVyakh6Sw/s320/darkwing12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Let's see Webby from DuckTales do <i>this!</i>"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, through a series of cartoon physics and contrived coincidences, our Caped Crusader and his bumbling sidekick (who, now that I think about, has contributed pretty much nothing in this episode) end up flying around on a plastic Santa sleigh and reindeer while the city looms in the background. Because we can use the strange yet Christmas-themed imagery. <br />
<br />
I gotta hand it to Gosalyn. She wasn't lying when she said she's never gonna forget this Christmas. I'm sure whatever Christmas where I nearly die in a motor vehicle accident and my dad ends up sailing through the air to his gruesome death would be etched in my memory too. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1BP2u4wnJuc/TuWtMqRQ_7I/AAAAAAAADlQ/VMb5NdtPu3E/s1600/darkwing13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1BP2u4wnJuc/TuWtMqRQ_7I/AAAAAAAADlQ/VMb5NdtPu3E/s320/darkwing13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look on the bright side, DW. The newspaper editors are going to have a hell of a time trying to explain your death.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Long story short, since I'm not going to make a run-down on how they get from Gosalyn on a motorcycle and Darkwing imitating a Stephen Spielberg classic to the group all gathered together in the same place without one of them dying, they manage to end up together at the Christmas tree lot<i> and</i> they manage to get all of the stolen tree presents, all at the same time. Don't ask me how they do this without wrecking (four people did just land right on them to cushion their fall) or losing any of the gifts; I really don't know myself. Let's just say that I'm pretty sure the streets of Saint Canard can't be accurately mapped unless if you add some wormholes.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X7qHdQawbt8/TuWtNG3CAAI/AAAAAAAADlY/sPgAVDz7yvM/s1600/darkwing14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X7qHdQawbt8/TuWtNG3CAAI/AAAAAAAADlY/sPgAVDz7yvM/s320/darkwing14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At least one of them's happy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So while Gosalyn, Honker, and Launchpad return the gifts (although they never explain how they'll know which gifts go to what house), effectively removing them from the final battle so that they don't suffer from any friendly fire, Darkwing Duck's gonna brutally eviscerate Bushroot on national television. Yes, my friends. Not only does The Duck Knight carry a giant axe, but he also carries a huge pair of hedge-clippers. I just want to point out that he never pulls out sharp implements of pain when he fights Megavolt, Steelbeak, or Negaduck. Nope. But Bushroot? He's fair game on account he can grow back whatever limbs Darkwing horribly severs off his body. I know Bushroot was a jerk to those kids at the mall but <i>how is this fair?</i><br />
<br />
Isn't it kind of frightening that Darkwing Duck just has easy access to these things too? Sheesh.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pOL0cduiEe0/TuWtNjxSYtI/AAAAAAAADlg/uU0Q7E_pLow/s1600/darkwing15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pOL0cduiEe0/TuWtNjxSYtI/AAAAAAAADlg/uU0Q7E_pLow/s320/darkwing15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If you're wondering <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ha6iBwmfQCI/TiN_mY2xurI/AAAAAAAAAGs/-Pb59JpRcJM/s1600/Antsy9.jpg">where Lilliput went</a>, here's your answer. The cops still haven't found his body.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Darkwing decides to search for Bushroot, but this search lasts about twenty seconds before Bushroot captures him through the use of a lasso of Christmas lights, because remember, it's Christmas and there's still some Christmas-themed thingys they had yet to use. Man, where did Bushroot learn how to do that? Hell, how did he get so athletic all of a sudden? If you recall Beauty and the Beet, he was an out-of-shape middle-aged man who wasn't powerful enough to get a potato from his coworkers. I guess prison has great Phys. Ed or chloroplasts physically make you twenty years younger. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zBpF8vCv4fI/TuWtN7BBQhI/AAAAAAAADlo/qQfP8hSqTN0/s1600/darkwing17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zBpF8vCv4fI/TuWtN7BBQhI/AAAAAAAADlo/qQfP8hSqTN0/s320/darkwing17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YZDKT0988zw/TuWtOZ3cPSI/AAAAAAAADlw/4eVJayjoHPs/s1600/darkwing18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YZDKT0988zw/TuWtOZ3cPSI/AAAAAAAADlw/4eVJayjoHPs/s320/darkwing18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Wow, I didn't think that'd actually work!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then, Darkwing just decides he's through playing cute and harmless and points his gas gun right in Bushroot's face. At first, I thought he was just going to use his typical, non-harmful gas, the kind that just makes the villains disorientated, but then he says "put up your roots before I fumigate you", implying that he actually loaded that gas gun with honest to god <i>weed killer</i> and is pointing it at the plant villain. That's a lethal weapon he's holding right there. And we're not even getting into the axe and the hedge-clippers he has stored somewhere just in case Bushroot tries to resist arrest!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rNhoRjsO5ro/TuWtOq1fa9I/AAAAAAAADl4/lYGKQG5ykAw/s1600/darkwing19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rNhoRjsO5ro/TuWtOq1fa9I/AAAAAAAADl4/lYGKQG5ykAw/s320/darkwing19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'd like to see an episode of Batman where Batman just points a gun loaded with <br />
weed killer in Poison Ivy's face and threatens her.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Insulted by the fact that Darkwing is pointing weed killer at him when he never pulls out poison for any of the other villains (I mean, come on, this is like Darkwing stopping Quackerjack with arsenic gas), Bushroot decides he's going use his plant powers to have a plant-themed climax for our delightful Christmas romp. And, like he normally does, The Root of the Bush decides to summon a plant to do all the work for him instead of fighting his own battles. Wuss.<br />
<br />
I'd like you to meet Douglas. He's going to be Bushroot's secret weapon for today's episode. His name is a plant joke and he's the reason why, as a young kid, I actually knew what a douglas fir is. He's also as large as he festive, because even though Bushroot had a Christmas tree the size of an NBA player, he figured he might as well save him for last. The cartoon needs a decent climax after all.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5-ZSwE4xghA/TuWtPMlF26I/AAAAAAAADmA/21kPLDDpZrw/s1600/darkwing20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5-ZSwE4xghA/TuWtPMlF26I/AAAAAAAADmA/21kPLDDpZrw/s320/darkwing20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Season's Beatings, punk."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In Bushroot's defense, he at least tries to help in this fight this time around. <br />
<br />
...by grabbing a star and then handing it to Douglas. Wow, he certainly is contributing to this team!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3-XKqsZTDBQ/TuWtPr3XsPI/AAAAAAAADmI/VXxWxGOfjKQ/s1600/darkwing21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3-XKqsZTDBQ/TuWtPr3XsPI/AAAAAAAADmI/VXxWxGOfjKQ/s320/darkwing21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All Bushroot wants for Christmas is some dignity.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>How does Darkwing avoid getting his head chopping off by a ninja star tree ornament thing and oh god I can't believe I wrote that? By a well-placed fire hydrant of course! That Darkwing decides to kiss for no reason at all other than to work a "tongue stuck on a frozen pole" gag because I guess he's into that sort of thing. Who am I to judge? <br />
<br />
And at the risk of disappointing everyone, this fire hydrant is going to save the day. Santa is a big fan of the water department after all.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--tgsurRQV40/TuW0R4nvqSI/AAAAAAAADmQ/L1SxkUqiqls/s1600/darkwing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--tgsurRQV40/TuW0R4nvqSI/AAAAAAAADmQ/L1SxkUqiqls/s320/darkwing.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Saving the day.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Yep, this is what stops the main villain. A conveniently placed hydrant, the fact that Darkwing is willing to kiss anything (eww), and a conveniently placed snowman carrying a shovel. And all of this happens while the Terror that Flaps in the Night (who doesn't even say his "I am the terror" speech at all in this episode; the closest thing we get is a line Gosalyn has) is bursting out as many water and ice puns as possible considering the short time frame.<br />
<br />
This conclusion makes me feel a little bit cheated, to be honest. Why would he show off that awesome axe and hedge-clippers combo earlier and then <i>not</i> use them on Douglas? What a tease!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9wyIJEFAuss/TuW0SdF5VzI/AAAAAAAADmY/NWGlnXOi-tY/s1600/darkwing1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9wyIJEFAuss/TuW0SdF5VzI/AAAAAAAADmY/NWGlnXOi-tY/s320/darkwing1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CyRFEjXNRJs/TuW0St-1KwI/AAAAAAAADmg/AtBmMpplPNA/s1600/darkwing2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CyRFEjXNRJs/TuW0St-1KwI/AAAAAAAADmg/AtBmMpplPNA/s320/darkwing2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, so much better than hacking down a murderous tree with a battleaxe.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Bushroot's reaction to seeing all of his tree-themed minions getting frozen by a broken water main is very apt, to say to least, but I haven't even gotten into what happens to him yet. Brace yourself, because this show follows a very strict tradition where all of Bushroot's episodes has to feature him suffering a horribly painful death, all because this show has made it very clear that he's like a mutated phoenix in that he can just rise up from the mulch of his previously pulverized body and live to see another day. Kind of a cruel fate if you ask me. What if Darkwing Duck tries to use one of these lethal weapons on Bushroot during a Fearsome Five episode and ends up killing Quackerjack instead?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xHCsV2QZk40/TuW0TIxd9hI/AAAAAAAADmo/bksUtWv2Nr4/s1600/darkwing3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xHCsV2QZk40/TuW0TIxd9hI/AAAAAAAADmo/bksUtWv2Nr4/s320/darkwing3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is my face whenever "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" starts playing on the radio.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anyways, like the trees, he too ends up getting frozen. Okay, this might sound pretty innocent, but just stop and think about it. My last post, Frosty the Snowman the characters made a huge deal about a character nearly dying of hypothermia. Here, Darkwing is just a-okay with sending a stream of ice cold water at someone fleeing from him in terror until ice forms around him, restricting his movements to the point where he can't even blink. Is Bushroot still conscious in this frozen state, or did he slip into blissful unconsciousness the moment his body temperature slipped to incredibly lethal lows? Either way, this scene's kind of mean. To think, this all would've been avoided if that dog man in the garden shop just let Bushroot keep the goddamn watering can.<br />
<br />
This scene also proves how incredibly hard Bushroot is to kill, by the way. He's been run over by a lawnmower, ground to paste by multiple machines, destroyed off-screen by an angry mob, and now getting frozen supposedly doesn't destroy the beast. I wonder how <i>would</i> someone kill Bushroot. My money's on "poison", personally, since that's the one weapon you never see get used on the guy.<br />
<br />
I love how Darkwing Duck just throws handcuffs on the frightening Bushroot statue like an afterthought too. Yep, he sure vanquished<i> that</i> villain fairly! The fact that Bushroot's completely naked, therefore completely unable to maintain any body heat, makes this even worse.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IVzGw64p9BE/TuW0Tcs0kiI/AAAAAAAADmw/vwwUWl9X2ZA/s1600/darkwing4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IVzGw64p9BE/TuW0Tcs0kiI/AAAAAAAADmw/vwwUWl9X2ZA/s320/darkwing4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And, just for fun, Darkwing uses him to replace the Christmas tree in his house. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>But frozen vegetables aren't going to shove a convenient Christmas-themed moral at the very end of our plot. We need something tragic to happen at random just so Gosalyn can give up her presents, something that just needs to happen in order for this to be a<i> true </i>Christmas special. <br />
<br />
I know! Let's make it so that the Muddlefoots are the <i>only family on the block</i> with missing presents even though that logically makes no sense. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CYThK2GShMs/TuW0UD-8vSI/AAAAAAAADm4/fN79GJ7z8RY/s1600/darkwing5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CYThK2GShMs/TuW0UD-8vSI/AAAAAAAADm4/fN79GJ7z8RY/s320/darkwing5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Considering you're the only one that lost your presents, maybe that's a sign <br />
from Santa that you don't deserve any presents this year."</td></tr>
</tbody></table><i>Aw yeah,</i> there we go. I love a good author's saving throw. And at least Honker gets a line in this episode. For those curious, the only thing Honker gets to say is "Aw, that's okay". I always feel really bad whenever Honker gets little to no screentime in an episode he's in, the poor kid. <br />
<br />
So Darkwing decides that he's going to save the Christmas Bushroot ruined by dressing up like Santa to surprise his neighbors, Tank puts a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney, presents are given out, Tank puts a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney, Honker and Herb are both happy that Santa is in their house and the holiday cheer is so thick that it's almost palatable, Tank puts a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney...<br />
<br />
...Tank put a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Tank put a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. <i>Tank put a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. <br />
<br />
<b>WHY DOES THIS FAMILY HAVE A BEAR TRAP!?</b></i><i><br />
</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fget-Mrp0A0/TuW1RxCTfzI/AAAAAAAADnA/sFxTCSeXFGU/s1600/darkwing7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fget-Mrp0A0/TuW1RxCTfzI/AAAAAAAADnA/sFxTCSeXFGU/s320/darkwing7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I worry for this kid's future.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Darkwing delivers seasonal happiness in possibly the worst Santa disguise ever (come on man, at least put a pillow underneath so you don't look like Santa starved himself inbetween Christmases), Tank ends up sitting on his bear trap (god, what the hell is wrong with this cartoon, bear traps are designed to break <i>bones</i>) and flying up through the chimney and getting stuck, and all is right with the world. I do like the small continuity nod where, instead of a Christmas tree, there's a sad-looking wreath hanging on the wall. Because unlike their traitorous kind, wreaths hate Bushroot's plans and are good, law-abiding plants. <br />
<br />
I wonder if this city ends up outlawing Christmas trees on account of the mass havoc they caused tonight. Also, if Bushroot destroyed the Muddlefoots' presents in his hideous Christmas-ruining rampage, doesn't that make <i>him</i> legally responsible? The Muddlefoots can take his chloroplast-filled ass to court and sue him for the damages!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Uv8QR-U2PKk/TuW1SZz1ulI/AAAAAAAADnI/o7mXVSpleAk/s1600/darkwing8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Uv8QR-U2PKk/TuW1SZz1ulI/AAAAAAAADnI/o7mXVSpleAk/s320/darkwing8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Huh, Santa looks an awful lot like our neighbor, who happens to look a lot like Darkwing Duck..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But no, we're going to the traditional route since this is a Disney Christmas special. Thanks to her selflessness, Gosalyn even gets a sled from Santa, and Santa gets to appear and belt out his classic "Ho ho ho" laughter. Awww, that's cute. <br />
<br />
Watch as Gosalyn ends up growing bored with that sled within a couple days and it ends up collecting dust in the closet.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OIRgUw1Zz-4/TuW1ShAYSyI/AAAAAAAADnQ/7x_mttIlrUo/s1600/darkwing9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OIRgUw1Zz-4/TuW1ShAYSyI/AAAAAAAADnQ/7x_mttIlrUo/s320/darkwing9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
And so this Christmas episode decides to zoom out on Tank screaming for help since he's wedged in a chimney, his panicked yells filling the soundtrack just as much as the happy, tinkly Christmas music is. I <i>would</i> find this ending a bit funnier (because hey, Tank put a freaking <i>bear trap</i> in a chimney, this is kind of an apt punishment for once) if this isn't honestly how some people <b>die</b> around this time of year. Remember the speech in Gremlins? That's exactly what I'm picturing right now as I see this poor kid struggling for dear life. I'm sure the Muddlefoots were very happy when they woke up on Christmas morning and had to remove the frozen corpse of their oldest son out of their chimney before he could start to putrefy. Fun.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WBdl-GTIsNk/TuW1TJtAIUI/AAAAAAAADnY/tzZwp8wsI6g/s1600/darkwing10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WBdl-GTIsNk/TuW1TJtAIUI/AAAAAAAADnY/tzZwp8wsI6g/s320/darkwing10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, kid. This is what you get for being <i>mean</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With that, we get a shot of Saint Canard while this cheerful tale of holiday cheer and giving is sent off with the sounds of Tank's desperately pleading with Santa in order to save him from a horrible freezing death and we watch as old Saint Nick just tunes the kid out and leaves him to his fate. Merry Christmas!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IsdDXiKZ9YE/TuW1Tn2ShPI/AAAAAAAADng/pzmh_fW1wMs/s1600/darkwing11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IsdDXiKZ9YE/TuW1Tn2ShPI/AAAAAAAADng/pzmh_fW1wMs/s320/darkwing11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And two major characters died of hypothermia that night. Happy Holidays!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I think I'm going to decorate my home with bear traps, Christmas tree alarms, fire hydrants, and scary frozen corpses now in honor of this cartoon, if you don't mind.<br />
<br />
<hr /><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Christmas is an incredibly mean-spirited, violence-filled holiday and brings out the worst in everybody. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict<br />
</b><br />
I can sum this episode up with one sentence: One of the strongest Bushroot episodes and one of the strongest episodes of this cartoon. <br />
<br />
But since I'll feel bad if I just leave it that, let me elaborate.<br />
<br />
This is a Christmas special that doesn't try to jam holiday spirit down your throat and pull random "And Santa saved the day!" plot points to solve the conflict. What makes this episode great is, minus the animated trees, this is a pretty grounded episode. The heroes and the villains are by and large regular people with regular motives. Bushroot has a really good reason why he's angry, but then he goes way too far, which helps to establish the reason <i>why</i> he's an antagonist. Darkwing Duck, when he's not fighting crime, has to deal with things every ordinary civilian has to deal with, like the holiday rush and bratty kids. The focus is less on Santa and more on the holiday shopping which, when you think about it, is really what happens during this time of year. The ending kind of feels a little hokey (again, how was Honker's family literally the only family who lost their presents? It might've helped if there was at least a couple other families with that same problem and Gosalyn had to help complete strangers too) but in the end, it was a decent Christmassy way to end a Christmas special. <br />
<br />
And okay, I really liked this Bushroot. Like many Darkwing Duck episodes where I judge the episode on the villain performance, this episode was top-notch Bushroot insanity. He had a nice balance between pathetic and psychotic. The opening scenes with him shopping are just as memorable as Sinister Santa. I love it when he has a clear duality, where you see that he could be a good person if he really wanted to, but due to some fatal flaws, he's a villain. It's definitely a lot better than Night of the Living Spud where he goes into nightmarish murder mode at the drop of a hat. He sort of builds up because he just hates those mallgoers. <br />
<br />
But Darkwing was good too, and the moments with his family and his neighbors are probably the better parts of this cartoon as well. There were no real weakpoints.<br />
<br />
In other words, a great episode. It's loaded with great animation, excellent timing, incredibly good action sequences, and it even manages to be adorable at times. You won't be disappointed if you choose to watch it this holiday season.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-8282384932693028802011-12-05T16:26:00.000-08:002012-02-14T20:55:19.017-08:00Frosty the SnowmanSince it's December and all that, and the television is currently assaulting me with holiday special after holiday special, I might as well do the same on my own blog. Like October and its deadly array of Halloween specials, I'm going to shell out nothing but Christmas specials. This is going to be the equivalent of me stringing up Christmas lights and inflating giant, annoying-looking Santa Clauses on my lawn, and the best part is, since there's way more Christmas specials than there are Halloween specials (which makes sense, since Christmas is the hugest holiday of the year), I have no way of running out of steam at the end of the month like I sort of did this year. <br />
<br />
And what a better way to start off on the topic of Christmas specials with one of the most well-known Christmas specials of all, Frosty the Snowman.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-34fuTEGV8Fg/TtskIKfhddI/AAAAAAAADX4/a-rZz_rP33w/s1600/frosty.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-34fuTEGV8Fg/TtskIKfhddI/AAAAAAAADX4/a-rZz_rP33w/s400/frosty.jpg" width="321" /></a></div><br />
Produced by Rankin/Bass, aka the people who cranked out a bazillion other really memorable Christmas specials that crop up on cable whenever December strikes, Frosty the Snowman is a fondly remembered special that ranks on many people's favorite holiday specials' list, partly because the animators took the easy way out and created something that already had its plot laid out in the form of a song. Oddly, when I brought this topic up around my fellow peers, the answer was always the same. They remembered liking it, but no one could ever give me a single description of any scene that happened in the film. Everyone just remembered a singing snowman, a magic hat, and kids that would dance around their hideous animated golem. I mean, geez, the special runs at a full thirty minutes. There has to be <i>something</i>. <br />
<br />
So thus, I began my mystical journey. I desperately want to figure out just what exactly is so special about this special. Like a Tim Burton-designed skeleton, I'm going to desperately try to figure out the meaning of Christmas by performing experiments on this beloved children's classic. <br />
<br />
Without further ado... <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Frosty the Snowman</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Qa09_EO8iWA/Tt6fX8JdUUI/AAAAAAAADYA/HqCtcPbCINA/s1600/frostytitle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Qa09_EO8iWA/Tt6fX8JdUUI/AAAAAAAADYA/HqCtcPbCINA/s400/frostytitle.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><b><br />
Airdate:</b> December 7, 1969</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: blue;">On Blu-Ray</span></div><br />
The instant I fire this puppy up, I am bombarded with the spirit of Christmas. Waves of nostalgia hit my prone, defenseless body and I can't help but smile as I hear the classic music from my childhood. Rankin/Bass just has that effect on me.<br />
<br />
...but the moment our narrator shows up and I start to see the actual quality this special is going to bring me, instantly the cartoon shows some age. Because when our Brooklyn native of a narrator talks, you can clearly see that his mouth is on a separate cel, giving him the illusion that he is not a man, but rather a magically animated ventriloquist dummy. I like to imagine that, nine years after this special was over, he starred in a horror film with Anthony Hopkins. <br />
<br />
And I might as well point this out. The narrator is Jimmy Durante. If you don't know who he is, then maybe you should put down the Michael Bay movies and watch some black and white films, you <i>philistine</i>. <br />
...or just watch any Looney Tunes cartoon that references a man with a big nose that says ha-cha-cha, since even the classics love their pop-culture references.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fPZE_PgtgmM/Tt6ftqdYPkI/AAAAAAAADYI/7c86b9Di3q4/s1600/frosty1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fPZE_PgtgmM/Tt6ftqdYPkI/AAAAAAAADYI/7c86b9Di3q4/s320/frosty1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I will kill you in your sleep."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But back to the cartoon. Jimmy Durante the giant ventriloquist dummy is talking about how, during this time of year, there's this magical snow that performs behavior-altering miracles because it's the first snow of the season. Why does it do this? Because <i>shut up</i>, it's Christmas, that's why. <br />
<br />
We watch as this shower of magical Santa juice turns everybody merry, and is even able to make dogs friendly towards the mailman and for beleagured fathers to suddenly be able to put up with their crappy families, it's just that magical. And what makes this snow even doubly awesome is because it's the snow that's falling right before a school lets out for Christmas break. I'm pretty sure the weather doesn't care about the public school system, but okay, I'll buy it, creepy reanimated dummy. Just don't hurt me or those poor innocent kids.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fkRdeUzUhjs/Tt6fuNv_vHI/AAAAAAAADYQ/9fSehEL3_Mo/s1600/frosty2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fkRdeUzUhjs/Tt6fuNv_vHI/AAAAAAAADYQ/9fSehEL3_Mo/s320/frosty2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That <i>chin</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Inside the very retro-looking school house and classroom completely devoid of any decor, we hear from the plump, aging teacher that will never appear again that she's hired a magician with a very pretentious-sounding name to entertain for their dreary Christmas party. Because if there's something that makes me think of Christmas parties, it's absolutely no Christmas decorations and no food, and the only entertainment is a magician that isn't even very good at his job. Suicide rates must be criminally high at this school. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hNg26AB_7ME/Tt6fuSlIFbI/AAAAAAAADYY/gyT7VP7bcGE/s1600/frosty3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hNg26AB_7ME/Tt6fuSlIFbI/AAAAAAAADYY/gyT7VP7bcGE/s320/frosty3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's a pretty short dress for snowy weather, teacher.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The moment the magician (who doesn't even try to hide the fact that he's going to be our villain, because magicians are just evil in cartoons) appears on-screen, we hear from our omnipresent, all-seeing Jimmy Durante that Professor Hinkle is a horrible magician. I'm pretty sure we, the audience, are perfectly capable of figuring that out on our own just by watching the animation, because the moment he says that, Hinkle totally craps up without a parachute by flinging stereotypical magic props around and having all of his tricks malfunction on him. Shows just how much this teacher appreciates her students if <i>this</i> is the best she could do. But I guess we needed a narrator to say he's horrible for us to truly get it.<br />
<br />
...and is it me, or is this scene kind of mean-spirited? The very first thing we see and learn about this character is that he absolutely sucks at his job even though he really wants to succeed, his own rabbit won't obey him and treats him like a joke, and people heartlessly laugh at his failure. He doesn't act like a jerk during this scene so it comes off as "Hey, look at this loser! Laugh!". That's <i>dark.</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6rxaBQpsWJs/Tt6fuhLIhNI/AAAAAAAADYg/tvPeIgHAnss/s1600/frosty4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6rxaBQpsWJs/Tt6fuhLIhNI/AAAAAAAADYg/tvPeIgHAnss/s320/frosty4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The only reason he's still smiling is because he overdosed on antidepressants before performing.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So basically this entire scene is Hinkle sucking, the children laughing and booing at him, and me wondering just where the hell the teacher even hired this inept guy in the first place. I mean, seriously, if The Batman has <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NmnMCTgVK2s/TsTQ68d12TI/AAAAAAAAC7o/4eWzIyp9I9k/s1600/dummy9.jpg">a freakin' ventriloquist directory</a> that can describe when a ventriloquist goes insane and starts robbing people, you'd think this town would at least have magician referrals. I know the Internet didn't exist at this point of time, but I'm positive there'd at least be one other magician in the phone book. Geez, lady, research your performers!<br />
<br />
Finally, in a fit of frustration, Hinkle just gives up and throws his hat away from him while shouting about how useless it is (so the teacher just stood there and let a man have angry outbursts and throw things in front of her students?), his rabbit runs off with it, and the kids later trample him in their rush to leave school. <i>Some Christmas party</i>, am I right? I wouldn't be surprised if these kids later turn to drugs.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZQtgwJSyGls/Tt6fvAJ3ZSI/AAAAAAAADYo/ue36l9AuznQ/s1600/frosty5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZQtgwJSyGls/Tt6fvAJ3ZSI/AAAAAAAADYo/ue36l9AuznQ/s320/frosty5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So if he's <i>Professor</i> Hinkle, does that mean he teaches at a local university and performs this job as a hobby?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When the kids leave the school and a man's broken dreams behind, we get one of the weirdest batches of adlibbing I have ever heard in a cartoon. Oh sure, it's a bunch of happy looking generic kid designs making with the happy-go-lucky and frolicking to their heart's content, but without any direction, the child actors say the <b><i>stupidest</i></b> things, stuff that no one would ever say in real life. One kid honest to god says "It's cold and snowy!", and another kid says, in response, "Yeah, the best kind of snow too!". <i>What kind of kids would talk like this? </i><br />
<br />
I do love how, while the kids vomit word salad all over the place, one of the kids just kind of coasts along in the foreground on a sled, somehow disobeying both the laws of inertia and the laws of physics. Truly this is a Christmas classic!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nsxFZkMREqM/Tt6iHVjUbWI/AAAAAAAADYw/xPbr82ssAy4/s1600/frosty6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nsxFZkMREqM/Tt6iHVjUbWI/AAAAAAAADYw/xPbr82ssAy4/s320/frosty6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How you can tell that this was animated in a place that doesn't snow: None of the kids are wearing pants.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So the munchkins revel in this powdery gift from above, appear decently if a little bit generically cute, and continue belting out real awesome lines like "I like snow!", "Feels good!", and "Yay, snow!". But after about two seconds, they grow tired of this and the kids finally decide that they're going to build a snowman as they effortlessly roll a ball of snow taller than them into the scene without any sign that any of them were working on it previously. <i>Geez</i>, kids! It takes me a while to get a decent snowman ball half that size and you can just make an Indiana Jones prop appear out of thin air?<br />
<br />
And someone get that little girl some pants! Her earmuffs and mittens aren't going to do her any good if her dress is at waist length.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fQJTdtG9PnI/Tt6iHq3HjDI/AAAAAAAADY4/WS23Jq8e05s/s1600/frosty7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fQJTdtG9PnI/Tt6iHq3HjDI/AAAAAAAADY4/WS23Jq8e05s/s320/frosty7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hi, Karen! We both have the same character model but with different colorations!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And apparently making a snowman with actual arms and legs (no, seriously, how the hell would that snowman hold up without any support?) is a really easy task for these children, because we go from a single ball of snow to Frosty in just a couple seconds, thanks to the wonders of 60's editing. Also, how would that broom and stovepipe combo make any sense? Who sweeps while they smoke?<br />
<br />
I will give the kids some credit, even though I'm still having trouble figuring out how his limbs would stay in place. That is one awesome, if slightly naked, snowman. I'm a little jealous now, because whenever my family went up into the mountains for the holidays, my snowmen would end up looking like misshapen, lumpy messes that contain just as much dirt as snow. I'm sure if I brought one of <i>them</i> to life, they'd scream wordlessly and thrash about in ungodly agony until the sun puts them out of their misery.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UtC5Z0GO_aA/Tt6iILZ2KPI/AAAAAAAADZA/h58W1ZKP_ug/s1600/frosty8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UtC5Z0GO_aA/Tt6iILZ2KPI/AAAAAAAADZA/h58W1ZKP_ug/s320/frosty8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The kid in the middle is putting the carrot on.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The flock of short, terrifying-looking children with powers no mortal is meant to wield debate with themselves on what they can name their hideous mockery of a human being. The names they throw around are really dumb, to say the least, and I'm saying that <i>after</i> one of them said "It's cold and snowy!". One kid wants to name their effigy Oatmeal, while another wants to name him Christopher Columbus. This was made in a way simpler time, because if this scene popped up nowadays, you'd get options like Michael Jackson, Edward Cullen, Pikachu, or Batman, and the snowman would be decked out with way cooler accessories than just a mere stovepipe hat and broom.<br />
<br />
...and now I kind of wish I lived in a place that gets snow, because now I want to make a snowman with a Batman mask and utility belt. It won't be the snowman my household needed, but the snowman that it deserved.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uG3i0Vmx5fw/Tt6iIWFZp_I/AAAAAAAADZI/gOa9KL1wSD0/s1600/frosty9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uG3i0Vmx5fw/Tt6iIWFZp_I/AAAAAAAADZI/gOa9KL1wSD0/s320/frosty9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Geez, kids. You're not adopting a new pet. It's a freaking <i>snowman</i>. This is not a big decision you have to make!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Finally, one girl, who will definitely be important to this special later on the way she shoves herself in front of the others, has way more lines than the rest of them, and is the only one with a given name, finally suggests that they name their snowman Frosty. I love the way she crosses her arms and adopts this smug look on her face when the rest of the kids think that's so original that they jump up and down and cheer. Egotistical little asshole, isn't she? Truly the name Frosty is a name so clever that no one else ever thought to name their snowman that!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SjcYoYKS-cc/Tt6iIxtVZqI/AAAAAAAADZQ/HgnAYcxFpvs/s1600/frosty10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SjcYoYKS-cc/Tt6iIxtVZqI/AAAAAAAADZQ/HgnAYcxFpvs/s320/frosty10.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JPrAPnxu08c/Tt6iJDYe-YI/AAAAAAAADZY/8ApYYtafRGg/s1600/frosty11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JPrAPnxu08c/Tt6iJDYe-YI/AAAAAAAADZY/8ApYYtafRGg/s320/frosty11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The children in this community are easily amused.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In fact, they're so happy about their snowman that they're going to link hands and sing Frosty the Snowman, a song so beloved and known in their hearts that all of the kids are able to recite the lyrics perfectly, even the smaller, stupider ones that suggested Christopher Columbus and Oatmeal. This scene, the way they praise their giant snow statue with his black, lifeless eyes made out of coal, gets frighteningly close to the kids having a religious ceremony. I'm pretty sure they're breaking one of the Ten Commandments by worshiping this terrifying snow idol that stands, eternally smiling at his subjects.<br />
<br />
...wait, the Frosty the Snowman song actually exists in a universe where there is an actual Frosty? That means the kids know what's going to happen. Somehow that makes this scene even worse. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sZRsjgktNDA/Tt6iJihoWiI/AAAAAAAADZg/-5dSUDoNPCo/s1600/frosty12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sZRsjgktNDA/Tt6iJihoWiI/AAAAAAAADZg/-5dSUDoNPCo/s320/frosty12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awww, they started their own cult and everything. That's so cute.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, since they're missing the old silk hat they found (because the place where they found the broom and the pipe didn't carry hats), we get to see our inept loser of a magician chase down his hat and, through a series of really contrived coincidences involving a disobeying rabbit and a stray wind, the kids take it and they give it to their snowman.<br />
<br />
Uh, then it's not "the old silk hat they found" anymore. Now it's "the old silk hat they <b>stole</b>". There's a big difference.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fZKSwDsTtaQ/Tt6iJ-xUu3I/AAAAAAAADZo/h9ilN-N6m8c/s1600/frosty13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fZKSwDsTtaQ/Tt6iJ-xUu3I/AAAAAAAADZo/h9ilN-N6m8c/s320/frosty13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oodxkkEBiD8/Tt6i4mCNt2I/AAAAAAAADZw/H1PVYtbnKUo/s1600/frosty14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oodxkkEBiD8/Tt6i4mCNt2I/AAAAAAAADZw/H1PVYtbnKUo/s320/frosty14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm going to steal something from that guy I laughed and booed at! Aren't I precious?"</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>If you're at all familiar with the song or just Christmas specials in general, you should know what happens next. The old silk hat with the incredibly girly flower somehow brings Frosty to life, because even though the magician was horrible at what he does, his articles of clothing somehow contain magic that's able to perform miracles. <b><i>Why</i></b> does the hat bring Frosty to life? Because <i>shut up</i>, it's Christmas, that's why. <br />
<br />
And, now that the terrifying monster has sentience and the ability to move, he shouts "Happy birthday!" because, technically, he<i> did </i>just get born. So does that make all of the children his parents?<br />
<br />
I feel bad saying this, but this scene is creepy. Maybe it's the look on Frosty's face when he says "Happy birthday". Or maybe it's the fact that I can't help but wonder if the magic hat also gave him like snow joints and snow organs so that he'd be a working organism capable of performing complex tasks. Would smashing Frosty's head reveal that he has a brain made out of snow? Does he have water flowing through a snow circulatory system? The fact that his mouth is red, meaning that he has tissue with blood in there, only raises further questions. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bG08E1OAsxk/Tt6j-3UbKbI/AAAAAAAADZ4/lDNyuGFfhbk/s1600/frosty15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bG08E1OAsxk/Tt6j-3UbKbI/AAAAAAAADZ4/lDNyuGFfhbk/s320/frosty15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Children. Children are what we require."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Everyone is understandably shocked and scared about this turn of events because hey, a goddamn snowman just came to life and started talking in front of them. That's a pretty frightening sight. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the kids in the back starting filling his pants with urine out of sheer terror of the giant frost demon that came to life and started making a mockery of the laws of nature. <br />
<br />
What makes this even worse is the fact that Frosty only says a couple lines before a wind blows the hat off his head and he changes back to a normal snowman, essentially losing the soul he just received. So basically they see Frosty get born and then die right in front of them, all in a span of about ten seconds. If that doesn't lead to intense mental scarring, I'm not sure what will.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ARJEJLrbSI8/Tt6j_LmRHDI/AAAAAAAADaA/IKBmtAsHWsI/s1600/frosty16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ARJEJLrbSI8/Tt6j_LmRHDI/AAAAAAAADaA/IKBmtAsHWsI/s320/frosty16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This can only end in tears. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>After Frosty dies and the hat flies right back to its rightful owner, the magician then wants his hat back because it really is magic, leading me to wonder just how unsafe it is to wear a magic-leaking hat on your head and what mutations that would cause. This turn of events causes Ultra Annoying Little Bratty Brat Brat (aka Karen) to say to Profession Hinkle that the hat is not his anymore because he threw it away. Uh, that's pretty debatable, kid. When he said that the hat was no good, it was because he was emotionally distraught, and the only reason you got the hat in the first place is because it was stolen by his rabbit and later caught in a stray wind.<br />
<br />
And where did Hinkle even get the hat anyways? He seems reasonably surprised that his hat is magic, as if he too has grown to accept the fact that he's a failure. Did he make the hat, or did he buy it at a magic shop, preferably one of those creepy, isolated, horror movie magic shops that contains eldritch tomes and possessed dolls? Because if he bought it, he can just point the kids in that direction and get them out of his hair. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fefnR_m3NrM/Tt6j_iiwHDI/AAAAAAAADaI/-th_CsnQyFE/s1600/frosty17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fefnR_m3NrM/Tt6j_iiwHDI/AAAAAAAADaI/-th_CsnQyFE/s320/frosty17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Kid, you've opened a spiritual portal to unfriendly entities. I'm taking this hat away <br />
before you summon something murderous."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Hinkle's response to Karen trying to claim his debatably abandoned property? He says "Don't talk back to your elders" while Karen's dress shrinks to unbelievable, almost risque lengths. In Embarrassing Name's defense, this <i>is</i> a pretty valid complaint. Why does <b>he</b> owe something to snot-nosed brats that clearly don't respect him? Don't satisfy their strange, snow-worshiping religion, Hinkle! It's well within your rights! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mswh7S5Qd9o/Tt6kAABs0MI/AAAAAAAADaQ/qiTl-u0xaj4/s1600/frosty18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mswh7S5Qd9o/Tt6kAABs0MI/AAAAAAAADaQ/qiTl-u0xaj4/s320/frosty18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"If you ask for the hat again, the rabbit dies."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The kids want the man to hand back the hat he bought to their snowman they just built, because, in their logic, since it brought Frosty to life and it made him talk, he deserves that hat and it's now his hat. This cartoon just got all weirdly existential all of a sudden. So is this a thinly veiled propaganda film involving Personhood Laws? <br />
<br />
Kind of related, but this movie kind of reminds me of how much I absolutely hate children characters in this era of cartoons, because geez, these kids are ganging up on him with their bland adorableness. I mean, sure, Hinkle's a jerk and the wind did just kill a sentient being, but you know what? He said that "this hat belongs in the garbage" line in a fit of frustration after the children were booing at him, everybody in the classroom was laughing at him, and his own rabbit couldn't respect him. Just because they've got cute little big-headed designs and one of them said "Oatmeal!" doesn't mean they're <i>right</i>.<br />
<br />
Rest assured, Hinkle Finkle Tinkle is going to pull some incredibly dickish stunts to make us go on the children's side, but right now, my support is for him. And I'm not sure what that says about me when I watch a Christmas special and I'm rooting for the bad guy. I'm <i>so</i> getting coal in my stocking. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-blVu89EOeco/Tt6kAmc0skI/AAAAAAAADaY/WO8jcgjQLRU/s1600/frosty19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-blVu89EOeco/Tt6kAmc0skI/AAAAAAAADaY/WO8jcgjQLRU/s320/frosty19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In my defense, who <i>wouldn't</i> root for a man with a mustache that fabulous?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Hinkle walks off, his hat firmly clutched in his gloved grasp in fear that the children might get desperate and try to mug him, and when he's gone, Frosty's minions say that they still believe in him and they knew he came to life. Karen even rushes up to the now lifeless snowman and hugs him in a way that she shoves her exposed flesh into his groin area. This scene is kind of surreal, seeing these kids plead to an obviously lifeless object they built themselves and telling it that they believe in him. They do realize that Frosty can't hear them, right?<br />
<br />
...and just what kind of soul is transferred to Frosty when that hat's on his head anyways? Is it a pre-existing soul and he's really the reincarnation of either Michael Keaton or a serial killer? Or can that hat just spontaneously generate life? Since it's a Christmas special, the only explanation we're going to get is either "Jesus", "Santa Claus", "Happiness", "Love", or "Christmas spirit", so don't expect them to actually explain the inner workings of Frosty in fine detail.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OPAkQ-9mHeU/Tt6kA0n3auI/AAAAAAAADag/B_qdkmJgyiQ/s1600/frosty20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OPAkQ-9mHeU/Tt6kA0n3auI/AAAAAAAADag/B_qdkmJgyiQ/s320/frosty20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It'd be kind of funny if, in her rush to hug Frosty, she accidentally knocks him over and destroys him.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then, we get the title sequence!<br />
<br />
...wait, huh!? Oh, okay, so the title sequence is in the middle of the cartoon, without any rhyme and reason to its insertion. Smart thinking there, Rankin/Bass. <br />
<br />
But as long as it has snowflakes and a credit to Jimmy Durante, I'll be okay with it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YtGyK-LBArc/Tt6kBdDjeuI/AAAAAAAADao/281dfB2y_Sw/s1600/frosty21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YtGyK-LBArc/Tt6kBdDjeuI/AAAAAAAADao/281dfB2y_Sw/s320/frosty21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And there we go.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So we're back with the living doll, no doubt animated by the same magic that was contained in Hinkle's article of clothing, and we find out that our omniscient narrator likes to play favorites with the characters in his own story. The very first thing he says when we return from the awkwardly placed title sequence is that the hat does in fact belong to Frosty and the children, not Hinkle, and "this point must be made very clear".<br />
<br />
Uh, <i>no</i>, Jimmy Durante. If I see someone lose a hat in a blizzard and I pick it up, that doesn't make it mine, no matter what black magic it contains and what miracles it performs. I know I'm harping on this one plot point ad nauseum, but I've had quite a few of my belongings stolen from me just because I left them in an art class, and this line of thinking sounds dreadfully close to the "Finders, Keepers" philosophy. The kids may be cute, but they were thieves, Frosty is stolen property, and if they took this case to court, the judge and jury would be on Hinkle's side. End of story. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ckNerSZshjs/Tt8Xmi8gE3I/AAAAAAAADaw/c_OYK-6USDM/s1600/frosty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ckNerSZshjs/Tt8Xmi8gE3I/AAAAAAAADaw/c_OYK-6USDM/s320/frosty.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wonder if Jimmy Durante had a creepy, awkwardly colored face muzzle in real life.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then the narrator even continues with his biased narration and says that Hocus Pocus (the rabbit, who is obviously supposed to be the breakout character everybody loves, the way the camera focuses on him all the time) was fully in the right for stealing his master's hat and giving it to the kids. You know, cartoon, maybe there's a <i>reason</i> why this magician is such an asshole. <br />
<br />
Also, I like how the children can be found still standing around, staring sadly at Frosty, none of them even moving a muscle. Hinkle Pinkle had time to casually saunter around town and look around in some shops, so these kids were staring longingly at their hideous deity for at least an hour or so. And in shorts, no less. <i>Where the hell are the parents?</i><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XnX5EJj1lMw/Tt8Xm-Q5gQI/AAAAAAAADa0/UoQUap4ylIU/s1600/frosty1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XnX5EJj1lMw/Tt8Xm-Q5gQI/AAAAAAAADa0/UoQUap4ylIU/s320/frosty1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is clearly a time before handheld videogames.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So they get the hat back from the traitorous lapine and Frosty is once again alive, or at least the closest thing this shambling frozen monster can get to being alive. This is probably going to be a long special for me, because Frosty is just unpleasant to me, the way he's well aware of the fact that he just got born a couple seconds ago and that he's speaking his first words. I don't care if he's all giggly about it. Such a thing just should not be.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rDIsSof6NeE/Tt8XnX5_RlI/AAAAAAAADa4/T4eOumkAqZQ/s1600/frosty2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rDIsSof6NeE/Tt8XnX5_RlI/AAAAAAAADa4/T4eOumkAqZQ/s320/frosty2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Is this the real life? <br />
Is this just fantasy?</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then he runs a set of diagnostics to figure out if he's really living. His list includes really weird things like talking, juggling, sweeping, and counting to ten, all while shaking his big snow-filled ass. Hey, Frosty? You do realize that there are people who, thanks to illnesses or physical disabilities, can't do these things, and you were ballsy enough to say that now they don't qualify as alive. Ableist asshole of a snow-golem.<br />
<br />
...and vampires and some zombies can talk, juggle, sweep, and count to ten. Doesn't mean <i>they're</i> alive. Frosty could be a member of the undead and we just don't know it until he starts to infect the children with his ice zombie virus and Karen's skin starts transforming into snow.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7sgibBfGU3Y/Tt8XnrOL4SI/AAAAAAAADa8/s_GyXai7ZSw/s1600/frosty3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="217" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7sgibBfGU3Y/Tt8XnrOL4SI/AAAAAAAADa8/s_GyXai7ZSw/s320/frosty3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So if Frosty has a mouth and an ass, does that mean he can digest food and go to the bathroom like a normal person?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Then he cackles with evil, malicious glee and says that this is a wonderful thing to happen to a nice guy like him. You know, because he was such a nice guy before, when he was just a soulless pile of snow collecting dirt and child urine in the schoolyard.<br />
<br />
...does Frosty even have a soul right now? They never come out and say "soul", but it's downright terrifying to think that this creature can talk, move around, and think, but only contains emptiness within his frozen heart.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zTq-P1dJD5Y/Tt8XnyZvVSI/AAAAAAAADbM/S21RMuQRvOE/s1600/frosty4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zTq-P1dJD5Y/Tt8XnyZvVSI/AAAAAAAADbM/S21RMuQRvOE/s320/frosty4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"All knees will bow for Frosty. The world shall be mine!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then we get yet another rendition of Frosty the Snowman (the special's soundtrack is basically "Frosty the Snowman" over and over and over and over and over again), with the kids once again linking hands and singing, only this time, instead of their snowman just sitting there, Frosty gets to dance around in place because he needs to fulfill the "he began to dance around" quota in the song. This is the most recognizable part in the entire special, because this is the scene that would often make its way in the commercials in order to advertise the fun times the children will have if they watch this special chock full of failed magicians and juvenile thieves. <br />
<br />
I'm not sure why <i>this</i> is the piece of animation that they use, to be honest, because this is one of the more disjointed and ugly pieces of animation in this special, with Frosty caught in a weird, jerky looping piece of animation while the kids basically slide around the screen like wide-eyed amoebas. But just look at their smiles! They're having such a good time in their low-budget production!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MdMo5jDd7Ps/Tt8XoatsVkI/AAAAAAAADbY/hEIac94B5I4/s1600/frosty5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MdMo5jDd7Ps/Tt8XoatsVkI/AAAAAAAADbY/hEIac94B5I4/s320/frosty5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meanwhile, all of their parents are wondering where they are, since school let out four hours ago.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, the cartoon instantly takes a turn for dark and gruesome territory when Frosty's mood turns sour and he starts to suffer from a terrible heat stroke. Apparently, while they were happily dancing, their town suffered through a massive fifty degree heat spike, because you see a thermometer go from completely empty to filled with red in a couple seconds. Understandably, since Frosty's body is made out of snow, he's feeling a bit discomfort as bits of his body slough off of him in the form of water droplets. <br />
<br />
...or, because he's so fat and can't kick his smoking habit, even dancing in place has completely winded him and he's about ready to have a heart attack. Either one works.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fVuCsFIlefU/Tt8Xo80Qn4I/AAAAAAAADbg/rsYERJJM1g0/s1600/frosty6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fVuCsFIlefU/Tt8Xo80Qn4I/AAAAAAAADbg/rsYERJJM1g0/s320/frosty6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Kids, Uncle Frosty needs to lay down. All that singing was bad for my blood pressure."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So we now have our plot in our previously plotless glurge-filled swill. The enchanted goblins don't want their magical talking friend to die, so they're going to take him to the North Pole, the only place he won't melt. That's right, a bunch of <i>gradeschoolers</i> feel like its their mission to take their animated snow golem to uncharted wilderness full of bears and wolves just so he can continue sinning against nature, all because they had a great dance session with him earlier and they watched him juggle. <br />
<br />
...I'm pretty sure the North Pole is not the <i>only</i> place where he won't melt. There's plenty of other places on Earth where it's cold all year round. Or hell, just find a decently-sized meat locker in town. That way he can stay local and continuing delighting his cultist followers way into the summer months. <br />
<br />
And how come they have to do this now? There's still plenty of snow on the ground! It's the day before Christmas, for crying out loud! He can stay in town for at least a whole month until you have to move him anywhere!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-13-PJVDNr6E/Tt8YFHUCZKI/AAAAAAAADbo/gfz5Myt6TIY/s1600/frosty7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-13-PJVDNr6E/Tt8YFHUCZKI/AAAAAAAADbo/gfz5Myt6TIY/s320/frosty7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You want to take me to the North Pole? You're kidding, right?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since Frosty is a total idiot, he decides that the children's plan to get to a train station works in his favor, so instead of using logic and realizing that a big talking snowman would scare the crap out of people and go to the train station in a stealthy, Solid Snake-esque manner, he's going to have a big huge random parade with all of his loyal child soldiers and march through downtown as if announcing his glorious control over the next generation of townsfolk in this doomed city. Frosty's kind of a jerk, I've noticed. <br />
<br />
I also wonder how Frosty feels when he's walking around and stepping in snowman guts.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C9aJ_uodOS0/Tt8YFjlM6vI/AAAAAAAADbw/EaKsS1DjT3o/s1600/frosty8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C9aJ_uodOS0/Tt8YFjlM6vI/AAAAAAAADbw/EaKsS1DjT3o/s320/frosty8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Accept Frosty into your hearts as your Lord and Savior, or else he'll murder your children.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Understandably, this leads to a bunch of sight gags where various people going about their everyday lives see a giant snow abnormality and react in either fear, disgust, or shock. At one point, some woman is so terrified by the blizzard-filled ogre of doom that she actually passes out (and later dies, because the force of her hitting the ground definitely smashed her skull) and flings her mirror in a way that it just sort of floats in front of a background prop.<br />
<br />
And guess what, even though half the town is horrified, no one actually <i>does </i>anything about it. No one tries to save the children, and no one breaks out a shotgun or a pitchfork in a brave attempt to slay the demon. Everybody's just terrified to the point where they just accept that those kids are goners.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LnYc5O1Q16w/Tt8YGKoOi8I/AAAAAAAADb4/Niuwl_11AjE/s1600/frosty9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LnYc5O1Q16w/Tt8YGKoOi8I/AAAAAAAADb4/Niuwl_11AjE/s320/frosty9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, when I see a walking snowman, I too like to grab my ass and fall to the floor. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, a policeman is there to finally decide that this is getting really freaking weird and tries and fails to stop the madness. Unfortunately, he does it while sporting an Irish accent, because if there's one thing children's cartoons need, it's racial insensitivity and stereotyping. <br />
<br />
How does the parade of snow worshipers deal with this? By walking away after confusing the policeman with an existential debate on whether snowman could possibly know about traffic lights if they were just born today. I hate to imagine what would happen in this town if there was a <i>real</i> crime.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BISsJu3qM0M/Tt8YGVQa6yI/AAAAAAAADcA/68qdnNqFfjI/s1600/frosty10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BISsJu3qM0M/Tt8YGVQa6yI/AAAAAAAADcA/68qdnNqFfjI/s320/frosty10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We have indecent exposure laws in this town, you know!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With that little annoyance out of the way (the policeman only exists because the song mentions one yelling stop), they finally make it to the train station. And, through a very odd scene, we hear from a ticket guy that it'll be three thousand dollars to make it to the North Pole by train on account of all of the stops they have to hit. Since that's a lot of money on a fifth grader's salary, the little girl politely says that she doesn't have any money, which causes the ticket guy to just freak the hell out, as if being poor is more shocking than being accompanied by a giant talking pile of snow. Comedy?<br />
<br />
They never actually get their tickets, but I guess that's a good thing, because the last thing I need to sit through is a little girl and a snowman spending several days on trains, making transfers and having to endure screaming babies and people with colds. And just think of the comments they'd get from the other passengers. I wonder if it's considered racist if you make snow puns in a snowman's direction.<br />
<br />
Also, I think they copied this scene in Don Bluth's Anastasia. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-v3m82ajX7VU/Tt8YHEEIXpI/AAAAAAAADcQ/vq1jXKsCgrg/s1600/frosty12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-v3m82ajX7VU/Tt8YHEEIXpI/AAAAAAAADcQ/vq1jXKsCgrg/s320/frosty12.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gnEH_yA01uA/Tt8YGrTO7RI/AAAAAAAADcI/3iqSLxaYG0k/s1600/frosty11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gnEH_yA01uA/Tt8YGrTO7RI/AAAAAAAADcI/3iqSLxaYG0k/s320/frosty11.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
The girl is sad that they couldn't cheat their way out of a three thousand dollar ticket and says that she doesn't want Frosty to melt. In fact, she's so sad that she hugs Frosty and, at one point, buries her face in his crotch. Hey, great idea, kid. Thanks to your body heat, now Frosty's snowballs are going to melt twice as fast. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ABtxOvv1VWQ/Tt8Ye95oj4I/AAAAAAAADcY/1fI4y0MQevY/s1600/frosty13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ABtxOvv1VWQ/Tt8Ye95oj4I/AAAAAAAADcY/1fI4y0MQevY/s320/frosty13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Aw yeah, that's the stuff."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But Hocus has an idea, meaning that our two main characters are not as smart as an animal that regularly eats its own poop. Instead of buying a ticket, why not just stow away on a train without the authorities knowing? They don't even have to pay anymore! Hooray for breaking the law!<br />
<br />
As you can imagine, this is a town filled with kids that are not going to make something of themselves when they get older. I'm pretty sure when Karen is sixteen, she'll be in a youth detention center for to her compulsive kleptomania, buying moonshine from Oatmeal Kid.<br />
<br />
...wait, train that's heading to the North Pole? I'm pretty sure there was a book and later a motion capture film starring Tom Hanks with that same subject.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5TVeRsC06r8/Tt8YfXislnI/AAAAAAAADcg/kOF7hLSgO7I/s1600/frosty14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5TVeRsC06r8/Tt8YfXislnI/AAAAAAAADcg/kOF7hLSgO7I/s320/frosty14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So no one on that train sees the giant moving snowman heading in their direction...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Frosty ends up stowing away in a refrigerated boxcar full of ice cream and cake, because Frosty is a bit of a fatass, and the little girl even stows away with him, because it isn't a Christmas special without reckless child endangerment. Karen even gets to say the best line in the entire special, informing Frosty "I'm sure my mother won't mind, as long as I'm back for supper" when he questions the logic of a little girl in a tiny skirt riding in a giant economy-sized fridge until she gets to the North Pole. <br />
<br />
Remember this girl's face, viewers. She is definitely going to appear on the back of your milk carton if she's okay with taking train rides with complete strangers, especially if they're strangers that like to run around naked while surrounded with children.<br />
<br />
Incidentally, I'm sure those grocers enjoyed having people sit on their products for an extended period of time. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Bz0r3yWAR4g/Tt8YfnULybI/AAAAAAAADco/2lstZ-k9iRs/s1600/frosty15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Bz0r3yWAR4g/Tt8YfnULybI/AAAAAAAADco/2lstZ-k9iRs/s320/frosty15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And it was Frosty's best birthday ever.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>By the way, guess who happens to be also stowed away on the train, while chanting "Think nasty" nonstop to himself? Why, it's Professor Wrinkle Hinkle, and his clothes look a good deal more torn and damaged since we last saw him. Not sure <i>how</i> he tore his clothes; I guess while he was having his mental breakdown off-screen, he thought his body was crawling with spiders and tried to fight them off.<br />
<br />
...so basically, these kids drove this man to insanity. Thank you, movie. I love this kind of plot development in my light-hearted Christmas specials, just as much as I love to see elves misuse their love of dentistry to alter a yeti's behavior through teeth-pulling.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZDEM0LSxpZw/Tt8Yf7TA58I/AAAAAAAADcw/cqL8uDaZ8M0/s1600/frosty16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZDEM0LSxpZw/Tt8Yf7TA58I/AAAAAAAADcw/cqL8uDaZ8M0/s320/frosty16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"They will drown in their own blood!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Frosty the Snowman is on his way to the north pole (which, by the way, is just ice over an ocean, meaning a conventional train to this place is impossible), but unfortunately, we learn from the narrator that a refrigerated box car is not a nice place to travel if you're a little girl with no pants on. Yes, our next plot point, after all of the singing, dancing, marching around, and ice cream, is Karen<i> <b>nearly dying of hypothermia</b>.</i> I bet you weren't expecting that! Why do Christmas specials involving magical snowman always end up so inexplicably dark? <br />
<br />
...although I should look on the bright side. At least this special will never beat The Snowman (the 1982 British classic) in terms of sheer soul-melting depression. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iXrK_TYrpRw/Tt8hLyQRgSI/AAAAAAAADc4/ClFGRrLokeo/s1600/frosty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iXrK_TYrpRw/Tt8hLyQRgSI/AAAAAAAADc4/ClFGRrLokeo/s320/frosty.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Maybe child endangerment and kidnapping wasn't such a smart idea..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This leads to Frosty honest to god ditching the train before it can reach its destination and walking through uncharted, wild animal-filled wilderness while carrying a dying girl in his arms, subconsciously knowing that his lack of body heat is slowly killing his friend and that this is all his fault for letting her come with him in the first place. <br />
<br />
Between this and Hinkle just totally losing his marbles, I'm going to come right out and say that this is an incredibly dark cartoon for something that begins with kids dancing and singing around a snowman. I remember seeing this as a kid, but I honestly never remembered this part. And, judging by the content, I probably had intentionally blocked this scene from my memory as a coping mechanism. I just remember Frosty being a jolly happy soul, not hypothermia and Frosty coming to grips with the fact that he accidentally murdered his closest friend! <i>Where is this in the song!?<br />
<br />
</i><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QSLlfiJLl0k/Tt8hMWiEHeI/AAAAAAAADdA/aySHF32kQjs/s1600/frosty1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QSLlfiJLl0k/Tt8hMWiEHeI/AAAAAAAADdA/aySHF32kQjs/s320/frosty1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You could say he's a <i>cold-blooded</i> killer.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and Hinkle Twinkle Zinkle nearly breaks every bone in his miserable, unloved body in his rush to get off the train when Frosty gets off. Hah hah, poor insane lonely man who can never succeed in life! You deserve it for getting laughed at, losing your hat, and getting it stolen by little kids!<br />
<br />
And how the everliving hell did he manage to survive riding upside down underneath a train with no protection from the elements for several hours without looking the least bit fazed by the experience, while Karen's at death's door? Magicians are tough, man.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yjTc0YnhTNI/Tt8hM1qRPOI/AAAAAAAADdI/91enXgyjkk4/s1600/frosty2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yjTc0YnhTNI/Tt8hM1qRPOI/AAAAAAAADdI/91enXgyjkk4/s320/frosty2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All he wants for Christmas is a neck brace and a replacement hip.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The cartoon, realizing how depressing it got all of a sudden, decides to give us a really random plot point in the form of woodland creatures so sentient that they can decorate trees in time for Christmas. Because kids won't feel so sad if they're distracted by cute, adorable squirrels doing people things! <br />
<br />
...not buying it, cartoon. I'm sorry, but just because they're this close to the North Pole doesn't mean that squirrels, owls, and deer would suddenly adorn random trees with ornaments and tinsel. <br />
<br />
And where the hell did they even get the decorations anyways? <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dZzYosovPsY/Tt8hNS7g4KI/AAAAAAAADdQ/OCMtTrVow34/s1600/frosty3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dZzYosovPsY/Tt8hNS7g4KI/AAAAAAAADdQ/OCMtTrVow34/s320/frosty3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even squirrels celebrate the birth of Jesus.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But this isn't just a random plot point for the sake of cuteness; these animals are also going to be life-savers. Thanks to Hocus Pocus being able to communicate that a little girl is freezing to death through charades, the woodland creatures build a fire. Somehow I was able to readily accept the giant sentient snowman that knows what a thermometer is but not a traffic light, but watching a deer get up on two legs and hold a giant stick for two squirrels to rub is too weird even for me. If animals are this smart in this universe, then does that mean they have rights just like the humans have rights? I'm sure PETA in the Frostyverse would have way more of an argument for their cause if the squirrels can decorate trees and then fashion a campfire. Can the cows in this universe do cute little charades and decorate Christmas trees before the slaughterhouse workers cut their throats and butcher their bodies?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8SJ4l5vL8AE/Tt8hTgc_YxI/AAAAAAAADdo/1momVwPljTI/s1600/frosty4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8SJ4l5vL8AE/Tt8hTgc_YxI/AAAAAAAADdo/1momVwPljTI/s320/frosty4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So they can stand on their hind legs, decorate a tree, buy Christmas ornaments, <br />
and build a campfire, and yet none of them learned English. What.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Karen is okay now (at least she's as okay as a person sitting on the snow <i>close to the North Pole </i>would be), but Frosty is concerned. She needs to go back home and Frosty needs to go to the North Pole (although he could just stay in the evergreen forest that gets snow all year round, just sayin'), but he's just one snowman against the world. He clearly needs help. <br />
<br />
Frosty then consults Hocus (because the rabbit followed them for some odd reason) on who they should get to help them with this predicament, and they brainstorm through a couple ideas like a creative team trying to figure out what their next product is going to be, all while the story just kind of chugs to a stop. I like how the plot point now is "Frosty screwed up so badly that he endangered one of his friends and he needs someone else to help fix his mess for him". <i>Own up to your failure, Frosty!</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VGFivWnnMsY/Tt8hNo_3QUI/AAAAAAAADdY/C5pcNIUtCwM/s1600/frosty5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VGFivWnnMsY/Tt8hNo_3QUI/AAAAAAAADdY/C5pcNIUtCwM/s320/frosty5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You know what this special needs? Karen trapped in the woods for weeks and <br />
having to rely on her survival skills in order to keep herself alive.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then they come up with a great idea. That's it! Santa Claus! He can help save Karen from the radically irresponsible manchild of a snowman!<br />
<br />
...yeah, out of nowhere, the cartoon is like "Oh, Santa Claus! Oh course!" as if the writers wrote themselves into a corner and needed a deux ex machina to help save the day. But what do you expect? It's a Christmas special. Woodland creatures are decorating trees, kids can just board a train to the North Pole, adults are absolutely useless save for the bad guy, and a giant snowman is having a complex conversation with a magician's traitor rabbit while showing off the fact that he has incredibly articulate digits on his snowy hands. By now, Santa Claus coming out of nowhere is to be expected.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-blj4BThj-dg/Tt8hOLeHe7I/AAAAAAAADdg/4jrY8LbMolY/s1600/frosty6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-blj4BThj-dg/Tt8hOLeHe7I/AAAAAAAADdg/4jrY8LbMolY/s320/frosty6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm a giant snowman. Your argument is invalid."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Night falls (and I bet Karen's parents are filing the police reports even as we speak), and Frosty "keeps a silent vigil" according to Jimmy Durante, but somehow that doesn't stop Hinkle, now a deranged shell of a man from the looks of his body posture and ripped up clothing, to blow out the campfire (man, Hinkle's got some superhuman lungs in his possession!) and to demand the hat from Frosty while spasming and twitching like he's going through an epileptic fit. Pray for this poor man. He's not getting the medication that he needs.<br />
<br />
I realize I sound like I'm sympathizing with Hinkle here, but it's really unsettling how he went from just being a jerk and a loser to being totally flipping deranged. He was clearly driven to this point of insanity (just compare this Hinkle to the Hinkle at the beginning of this special; the difference in sanity is almost palpable), and he's not going to leave until he has Frosty's icy blood staining his white magician's gloves.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UEr6B7psAEU/Tt8hXsKOAyI/AAAAAAAADdw/yfxRyuRhWjc/s1600/frosty7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UEr6B7psAEU/Tt8hXsKOAyI/AAAAAAAADdw/yfxRyuRhWjc/s320/frosty7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In fairness to Hinkle, his worst enemy is a giant snowman. That'd make anyone a little nutty.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, Frosty and Karen manage to get away from the deranged murderous man because, according to the narrator, since Frosty's made out of snow, he's the fastest body-boarder in existence, and Karen can just quickly ride him to safety.<br />
<br />
...how the hell does <i>that</i> make sense, Jimmy Durante? You can't just pull random powers out of thin air and expect me to be okay with it just because snow was involved! That's like saying that I'll be able to glide effortlessly down a hill made out of meat and bones because I'm made out of meat and bones. Also, eww.<br />
<br />
By the way, you can tell that this special was animated by people who never touched snow in real life. Holding a snowball in your bare hands for too long hurts. I can't imagine the frostbite Karen's receiving on her bare legs when she's riding Frosty like that.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-neZio5QTYE4/Tt8hX9lsBGI/AAAAAAAADd4/Tl4v7IYS0mc/s1600/frosty8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-neZio5QTYE4/Tt8hX9lsBGI/AAAAAAAADd4/Tl4v7IYS0mc/s320/frosty8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>We're walking in the air<br />
We're floating in the moonlit sky</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>They end up at a county nursery, because guess what, there are plant nurseries out in the middle of the frozen wilderness right next to the North Pole now. Thank goodness for inexplicable coincidences! Since Karen is still kind of freezing to death (although in an earlier scene, she was well enough to walk around and shout things at Hinkle), so Frosty carries Karen to the greenhouse where they're keeping all of the plants warm. He even walks inside even though he's fully aware that he'd melt.<br />
<br />
This sounds like a bold move from Terrifying Living Snow Creature, like he's being all noble and sacrificial in the name of his friend, until you realize that just earlier, we saw him stay far away from a campfire. Frosty <i>knows</i> heat is bad and there were plenty of ways to get Karen in the greenhouse without actually walking in himself. So really, instead of looking like an awesome friend, he just looks inconsistent, like the writers needed a good reason to kill him off (spoiler alert) without resorting to something violent like Hinkle using a flamethrower. Even though Hinkle with a flamethrower would instantly make this special my favorite thing in the world. <br />
<br />
...and<i> why is that greenhouse unlocked?</i> The narrator mentions poinsettias, so it seems really strange that the person growing those very profitable and very fragile crops would leave the greenhouse unlocked, allowing some asshole to come and steal his livelihood. People are too trusting in the North Pole.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Aq8DNacnEZ0/Tt8hYUQEhAI/AAAAAAAADeA/SKeKhq2XFUg/s1600/frosty9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Aq8DNacnEZ0/Tt8hYUQEhAI/AAAAAAAADeA/SKeKhq2XFUg/s320/frosty9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh yeah, there's no way this could go wrong.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Of course, that leads to Hinkle trapping them inside (and he somehow managed to catch up with them even though, just earlier, Frosty the Snowman was the fastest body-boarder in existence and put a lot of distance between them, meaning that Hinkle knows how to freaking<i> teleport</i>) and telling Frosty that he can just collect the hat from his melted remains. Nice of him to turn to murder at the drop of a hat, no pun intended. It's obviously been a long day for Hinkle. <br />
<br />
I love the faces this man pulls, by the way. If you watch this special closely, you can actually pinpoint the very moment his sanity crumbles into a thousand pieces, the very moment where he's suddenly okay with killing a sentient being out of pure spite. Hinkle McSprinkle's just one catchy villain name and a city away from metamorphosing into a full-blown supervillain and having either Superman or Wonder Woman take turns punching him in the face. We <i>have</i> seen his origin story, after all. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3fn4rQSfRKA/Tt8hY3X3JoI/AAAAAAAADeI/UEuwMDSJ814/s1600/frosty10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3fn4rQSfRKA/Tt8hY3X3JoI/AAAAAAAADeI/UEuwMDSJ814/s320/frosty10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't worry, Hinkle. I've heard Arkham's lovely this time of year.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While this is happening, The Big Jolly Red Man himself touches down on the wooded area filled with insanely intelligent animals and catches up with Hocus, who's quick to tell Santa just what kind of crap's been going down in this forest. Hocus can't talk, but don't worry, because according to the narrator, Santa "as you know, speaks a fluent rabbit". <br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Santa, as you know, speaks a fluent rabbit.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Santa, as you know, speaks a fluent rabbit.</i></b><br />
<br />
Pardon my French, but <b>WHAT</b>. Why would Santa need to know how to speak rabbit? That's like the weirdest power you could ever give to anyone <i>ever</i>! Did he take a Rabbit Language class during college after making a dare with the Tooth Fairy? Or does he need to know that language on account he's a good friend of the Easter Bunny and wants to look like a better business partner? What the everflipping hell, Rankin/Bass? There's deux ex machina and then there's <i>this</i>! <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zvcDwnPp-_w/Tt8hZAKpD5I/AAAAAAAADeQ/2EiCUxW1CHE/s1600/frosty11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zvcDwnPp-_w/Tt8hZAKpD5I/AAAAAAAADeQ/2EiCUxW1CHE/s320/frosty11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Santa Claus also knows ventriloquism, speed-knitting, underwater demolition, genetic engineering, <br />
is able to beat Metal Gear Solid 4 with his feet, and can burp "Hungry Like the Wolf".</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oddly, even though we're dealing with Santa effing Claus, the same man who can visit several million homes within a single night, they were too late. This might be the scene everyone remembers from this short, because nothing is a bigger punch to the gut than seeing Karen bawling her eyes out while kneeling in front of the giant puddle that used to be her friend, a giant puddle that used to be a character that this entire special revolved around. <br />
<br />
And here's a cheery thought.<i> <b>Karen got to watch her friend slowly melt in front of her eyes</b></i><b>.</b> She got to see every last suffering moment take place in front of her and she got to hear every last dying scream Frosty belted out while every part of his body was reduced to water. I wonder when the moment was that Frosty left this world. Was it when his head melted, or did she get to see his heart fail and then see his lifeless corpse hit the floor and then turn to slush? Either way, she's going to be in therapy for the next 50 years.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LBQCnMfvayU/Tt8hZp4wS5I/AAAAAAAADeY/PW_dV3bCmPE/s1600/frosty12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LBQCnMfvayU/Tt8hZp4wS5I/AAAAAAAADeY/PW_dV3bCmPE/s320/frosty12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It was his last day until retirement!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This really dark, depressing scene then instantly loses its impact when we get a very cheesy, very dated flashback, where we see all the fun times we had with Frosty in the pool of his melted remains while set to a slow version of Frosty the Snowman sung by Jimmy Durante. No offense, cartoon, but I have a decent memory. I can recall the scene where he juggles and dances around with the kids on my own. I really don't need this scene when the special's only twenty minutes long.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8kbOzY4RQEc/Tt8haaBrxEI/AAAAAAAADeg/gis2FNiTgm4/s1600/frosty13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8kbOzY4RQEc/Tt8haaBrxEI/AAAAAAAADeg/gis2FNiTgm4/s320/frosty13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Frosty the Snowman, killed in Vietnam.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Santa, seeing the crying child, tries to cheer Karen up by saying that even though there are different seasons and it may rain during spring or be really hot during the summer, since Frosty is made out of Christmas snow, he can never truly disappear. In short, Saint Nickolas is a bit of a liar and is saying that Christmas snow never disappears even though it melts and is gone for three seasons. It's one of those awkward scenes where you sit there and wonder if you're supposed to be charmed by this when none of the words are making sense. It's a Grade A Generic Christmas Spirit Speech and it never tries to be anything better. <br />
<br />
And if you make a Frosty out of completely different snow, would he retain the same personality or would he be a completely different Frosty? Is there a certain type of snow that can make a jerk snowman as opposed to a kinder, gentler one?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7_kPixJJLfc/Tt8ha1lOovI/AAAAAAAADeo/3PBCzAuwPmk/s1600/frosty14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7_kPixJJLfc/Tt8ha1lOovI/AAAAAAAADeo/3PBCzAuwPmk/s320/frosty14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You know, I probably could've helped you out when you were in the forest, nearly dying of hypothermia, <br />
but there was no way to wrap a generic speech about Christmas around that experience."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, right after he says that, we get a deux ex machina in the form of Santa being Santa and being able to use magic whenever he wishes, for he flings open the door and a stray wind suddenly makes a Frosty the Snowman appear out of nowhere. Why does a wind just magically build a snowman? Because <i>shut up</i>, it's Christmas, that's why. <br />
<br />
I might as well bring this up. If Karen's friend is dying from the heat and that greenhouse is made out of glass, then <i>why didn't she try to <b>break</b> a way out</i>? Frosty's made out of snow; a little bit of glass shards aren't going to hurt him. Way to fold under pressure like a cheap suit there, Karen.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9pX22Wbh8DI/Tt8hbA6DfTI/AAAAAAAADew/gCih39iH7Uk/s1600/frosty15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9pX22Wbh8DI/Tt8hbA6DfTI/AAAAAAAADew/gCih39iH7Uk/s320/frosty15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Santa Ex Machina!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since we still have some loose ends to tie up, Hinkle the Rip Van Winkle then shows up, even though the Clausman is now there and has just demonstrated that he possesses magic abilities that can potentially maim or otherwise kill a dippy little mortal such as himself. Professor Schizoid even has a nerve to say "I want that hat and I want it now" to freaking <i>Santa Claus</i> even though everyone here knows that he committed murder. Despite the killing earlier, I can't bring myself to fully hate this guy. He has such a great descent into insanity. If at one point in your film, you have a man crawling on all fours in front of Santa while slobbering like a mental patient, then clearly you have a classic in the making. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sgMLHr9ceUM/Tt8hjBR_ucI/AAAAAAAADe4/P-ZO9oj51iQ/s1600/frosty16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sgMLHr9ceUM/Tt8hjBR_ucI/AAAAAAAADe4/P-ZO9oj51iQ/s320/frosty16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love the look on Santa's face. He knows this man is unwell.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Considering serial killers often receive coal in their stockings, Santa is quick to lay down the law, saying that if Hinkle lays a finger on that hat, he'll never get another Christmas present from Santa for as long as he lives. This instantly shocks this character back into relative sanity, effectively bringing his character arc to a close, but really? <i>That's</i> the best Santa can do for a threat? Why not try turning him over to<i> the police</i>, you fat, jolly asshole!<br />
<br />
So, in other words, Hinkle has been receiving gifts from Santa way into his forties, when I've stopped receiving gifts since I was 18. And I never even tried to kill anyone. <i>How is this fair?<br />
<br />
</i><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NlJYHmIE9zg/Tt8hjTr2boI/AAAAAAAADfA/5jH4p-63uHA/s1600/frosty17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NlJYHmIE9zg/Tt8hjTr2boI/AAAAAAAADfA/5jH4p-63uHA/s320/frosty17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So we're not going to take the man willing to commit murder to prison?"<br />
"Nah, not giving him any gifts seems like a way more fitting punishment."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But, just to be fair, Mr. Claus then decides that he'll forgive Hinkle and give him a new hat if he writes "I'm sorry for what I did to Frosty" a hundred zillion times. Hinkle totally falls for it, even though that's not a real number measurement, and even runs off into the night while declaring that he has a lot of writing to do in order to get his hat. What a dick move on Santa's part, taking advantage of that man's weakened sense of reality like that, but to be fair, he did successfully kill a sentient being earlier.<br />
<br />
Oh, and at one point during this scene, an empty can actually pops in existence just in time for Hinkle to kick it in pure sadness. Gotta love a world that willing to provide props for physical humor.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x1_jkUgdzGc/Tt8hjyAnxII/AAAAAAAADfI/gCE81Tm2tKI/s1600/frosty18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x1_jkUgdzGc/Tt8hjyAnxII/AAAAAAAADfI/gCE81Tm2tKI/s320/frosty18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Don't make me do to you what I did to Chanukah and Kwanzaa."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Frosty is alive once more, he now lives at the North Pole, and Santa even takes Karen back home in time for supper and...<br />
<br />
...he leaves her on top of an ice-covered roof, on a house that looks at least three stories tall, meaning that if she slips and falls, she could easily break her neck and die. Wow, Santa's a bit of an asshole in this special.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-g9oZJG4hyis/Tt8iygID9rI/AAAAAAAADfQ/3simZCulmHU/s1600/frosty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-g9oZJG4hyis/Tt8iygID9rI/AAAAAAAADfQ/3simZCulmHU/s320/frosty.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then her family discovers her lifeless, broken body on the front porch on Christmas morning.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And that's honestly how it ends. With a little girl stuck on a three story house in the middle of the night with no way to get down while she contacts hypothermia again due to be stranded outside. <b><i>This is seriously how Rankin/Bass concludes this special. </i></b><br />
<br />
Oh, and Hinkle's good now, I guess, because during the credits, we see him walking around town with a brand new hat. Fastest change of heart ever.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HsLa3sE7Zu8/Tt8izrGfYuI/AAAAAAAADfY/SunVW29AWYg/s1600/frosty1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HsLa3sE7Zu8/Tt8izrGfYuI/AAAAAAAADfY/SunVW29AWYg/s320/frosty1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"No one even cares that I locked some girl up in a greenhouse at the North Pole!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So, Merry Christmas? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this ending.<br />
<br />
Oh, and I just want to point this out. Here is the list of crimes the main characters commit this special:<br />
<br />
<b>Karen:</b> Theft, freighthopping, trespassing.<br />
<b>Frosty:</b> Theft, freighthopping, trespassing, child endangerment, emotional and physical child abuse, jaywalking, child kidnapping, reckless endangerment, criminal battery (his cold body wasn't helping Karen's hypothermia), indecent exposure, contempt of cop. <br />
<b>Hinkle: </b>Freighthopping, murder (debatable, considering Frosty could be argued that he's not really a person).<br />
<br />
Okay, one crime stands out above the rest (Hinkle was totally the one doing the most villainous act) but I'm kind of pissed off that Frosty doesn't receive any punishment at all from the big man himself. So basically you can endanger the life of a child and get away with it, just as long as you have a song named after you, but god forbid you melt a snowman or else children everywhere will hate your guts. What a delightful Christmas classic.<br />
<br />
<hr /><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Committing murder is not the best way to get your magic hat back. <br />
<br />
And if a snowman suggests that you stow away on a train to the North Pole with him, for the love of god, <i>please say no. </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict<br />
</b><br />
This didn't age too well, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it.<br />
<br />
I think this is one of those films that kind of picks up speed once it gets actual conflict. When it's just kids frolicking in the snow and being bummed out that their snowman can't talk anymore, it's kind of boring, but somehow the hypothermia and the insane evil magician gives it that punch it really needs. It's decently filled with enough Christmas cheer and it certainly is cute, so it has that going for it too.<br />
<br />
But compared to the other Rankin/Bass specials, this isn't particularly memorable. Frosty the Snowman is better remembered as a holiday icon than he is as an actual character, and watching this, I can totally see why that is. I just know that Rankin/Bass can do better holiday specials. The animation isn't anything to write home about (although again, this is from the 60's), there's an entire group of children but only one of them actually exists as a character, and Hinkle is never really threatening. Even in the climax, I was never openly concerned for Frosty and Karen. <br />
<br />
Plus I <i>know</i> this was made in a different time, but I kind of wish that someone would acknowledge the fact that Frosty was recklessly irresponsible when it came to Karen. It could've been a nice little dimension to Frosty's character that he tries to do things with good intentions but ends up ruining things, but no one says anything about it beyond "Oh, a kid's freezing to death". <br />
<br />
But at the same time, I really like the simplistic designs. I forgot to mention this earlier, but the character designs were done by a veteran artist of MAD Magazine, and he really knows how to make appealing designs. Not the most fluid stuff, and the choices in clothing really make no sense, but the poses and the characters really read and everything's delightfully cartoony.<br />
<br />
Still, this is one of their weaker specials. Please don't kill me when I say this, but this is a special I'm not going to be seeing every Christmas. Rankin/Bass can do better, there were better holiday specials before it, and there are certainly better holiday specials out now.<br />
<br />
But hey, it's good for a nostalgia rush at least.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-43971786061488227012011-11-30T16:51:00.000-08:002012-01-09T14:34:30.643-08:00Happily Ever After (1993 film) - Part 2<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/11/happily-ever-after-part-1.html">Part 1.</a></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5ra2ZnGAj8/TrziHZ6UosI/AAAAAAAACwk/l2EirmynJek/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5ra2ZnGAj8/TrziHZ6UosI/AAAAAAAACwk/l2EirmynJek/s400/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="277" /></a></div><br />
I will conclude the month of November with yet another trip into Happily Ever After, a staple of my video library.<br />
<br />
Box office failure or not, this movie will still remain a childhood favorite (and like Felix the Cat: the Movie, I can't bring myself to ever hate this movie), which is basically me saying that this film is a really big guilty pleasure for me. Oh sure, it's bad. I'm not going to deny it. Plot points are unnecessary, and we're about to see stuff that makes the man who can turn into a dragon look sensible, but I still watch this multiple times for enjoyment. It probably doesn't say much about my taste in cartoons, but I get a kick out of movies this cheesy.<br />
<br />
And we're journeying into the actual meat of the movie. Compared to the crazy depravity that's going to explode from my disc like an Ecto-Containment Unit in New York City, the intro with the dragon, the He-Man prince, and the rapping owl with a cigar is going to look subdued and downright sane and intelligent. Just warning you ahead of time. We're dealing with Felix the Cat: The Movie levels of crazy here. <br />
<br />
Since I can't give too much away, I might as well mention the DVD now that I actually have the DVD of this movie with me. Unless if you really, really, really love this movie, don't buy this thing. <b>The DVD is <i>crap</i>.</b> Oh sure, it's more convenient than the VHS, and I have yet to find a computer that can play VHSes, but this DVD is one of the <i>worst</i> examples I have ever seen of archival quality. There's little things like parts of the screen being out of focus for some scenes, or<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cBP7IGZnfK4/TtR297tCjPI/AAAAAAAADOc/Bhu03itEa0s/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg"> rings of black surrounding the edges</a>, but it's those little things that just piss me off. From the looks of it, either the movie just hasn't survived that well over the years (and it really wouldn't surprise me, considering Filmation is a defunct company, this movie bombed horribly at the box office, and was critically panned by everybody) and they can't digitally restore the movie, or someone got lazy rushing this thing to DVD. <br />
<br />
In short, they did a really poor job and the picture is nowhere near as good as it should be.<br />
<br />
Why am I choosing to mention the DVD? Because of the scene selection menu of course. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5ZKasYsmcwE/TtSNkjnFJbI/AAAAAAAADP0/MMfznuKa4o0/s1600/happilyeveraftermenu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5ZKasYsmcwE/TtSNkjnFJbI/AAAAAAAADP0/MMfznuKa4o0/s400/happilyeveraftermenu.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
...yeeeah, what am I supposed to be looking at here? Out of all of the possible stills they could choose for Lord Maliss, they had to go for one where he's trying to be all sensual. The pink curtains in the background certainly don't help.<br />
<br />
That being said, don't try to fight it, because you're going to see dragons and feminism aplenty in...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Happily Ever After Part 2</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e3Kr_UBWLT0/TtRlXzJetNI/AAAAAAAADII/-33nGSYqhUs/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e3Kr_UBWLT0/TtRlXzJetNI/AAAAAAAADII/-33nGSYqhUs/s400/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">When we last left Snow White, the Wicked Queen's brother, Lord Maliss, decided that having his sister be a corpse was a horrible stain on his reputation and just flipped the hell out and decided he wanted Snow White dead for no apparent reason at all. So he seized control of the Wicked Queen's monster-infested castle, twisted and distorted and changed everything in The Realm of Doom, transformed into a badass-looking dragon, and then attacked Snow White and her handsome prince while they were in the hugest flower field in the history of animation. Unfortunately, thanks to both arrows and smoking owls, Lord Maliss's first murder attempt failed and Snow White managed to get away and she crash-landed on the seven dwarfs' hut because she was so tired after running through a spooky forest. But not before Lord Maliss shot the prince with an eye laser that was supposed to do something very special.<br />
<br />
Basically, in other words, the opening of this movie made it very clear that I wasn't watching no ordinary Snow White. This is the Snow White that someone would imagine if they took too much Nyquil while sick with the flu and had a bizarre fever dream after watching the Disney classic. In other words, an accurate representation of a cartoon Snow White as reimagined by the 80's, the era that brought us Care Bears, The Wuzzles, and He-Man. This weirdness is to be expected. <br />
<br />
But I need to move on. This part of the film is going to have a <i>ton</i> of character introductions (since we're going to see the seven dwarfs along with some other major players), so bear with me here. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-81vc-VHoCaU/TtVjvADqFgI/AAAAAAAADRc/sMwuNO6HwFc/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-81vc-VHoCaU/TtVjvADqFgI/AAAAAAAADRc/sMwuNO6HwFc/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I bet the dwarfs have built a bed just for Snow White to pass out in by now.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Snow White, of course, ends up waking up in the Seven Dwarfs' cottage, and somehow, she's able to fit perfectly on a bed meant for a tiny fairytale creature when, in the Disney movie, she ended up passing out on at least three beds on account she was, you know, a human being sleeping in a house built for dwarfs. Eh, maybe these dwarfs just like the extra room in their beds. <br />
<br />
Anyways, what's Snow White's first thought when she wakes up in the house after running around for hours in a spooky forest, images of that ferocious dragon still etched in her mind and the fate of her beloved prince or whether he's even alive completely uncertain?<br />
<br />
Why, she's going to smile, look in a mirror, and fix her hair of course! <br />
<br />
...Snow White, smothering your emotions and putting on a happy face when you're crying on the inside is<i> not </i>healthy. We won't think less of you if you burst into tears.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Pvf3t8UJGFE/TtVj1wWSfsI/AAAAAAAADRk/5ZYZ3JnrT9U/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Pvf3t8UJGFE/TtVj1wWSfsI/AAAAAAAADRk/5ZYZ3JnrT9U/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Repressed emotions? <i>What</i> repressed emotions?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Future Mental Breakdown Patient journeys out of the Seven Dwarfs' house pretty quickly, not once having trouble moving around in a house meant for creatures half her size. I like how she's polite enough not to snoop around for too long, choosing instead to make her way outside and inform the Seven Dwarfs that she's still alive. And that's when she notices that the cottage has expanded since she was last here, and she thinks it's beautiful.<br />
<br />
...there's just one small problem with this scene. When they do the pan-out to show the giant Zelda dungeon that is the Seven Dwarfs' cottage, look closely at the door. Snow White is standing with her back away to the camera, meaning she's not actually looking at the expansions, but rather the beautiful craftsmanship of the door frame. Plus, even if she was looking in the right direction, how the hell could she see the parts of the house implanted into the tree from where she's standing?<br />
<br />
Incidentally, this expanded tree cottage, with some parts of the building extending onto a tree trunk over three stories in the air? <i>Never</i> comes into play in the movie, <i>never</i> is mentioned again, and <i>never</i> appears again. You'd think a house this beautiful would have some purpose to the plot, but nope, we quickly forget it exists once we find out who lives here.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1i7A0EwEbFs/TtVj2FEFpVI/AAAAAAAADRs/2luSkKKDmZA/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1i7A0EwEbFs/TtVj2FEFpVI/AAAAAAAADRs/2luSkKKDmZA/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Seven Dwarfs bought out the Keebler Elves' Hollow Tree Factory. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>She finds this all just delightful and whimsical until she looks a little bit off to the side and discovers something shocking. Women's clothing! <br />
<br />
With many "Oh!"'s and "Oh my!"'s, the audience is immediately clued into the thought process that's going on in Snow White's head, and it's not exactly kid-friendly. This scene is just amazing in the way it's set up, because for a brief and terrifying moment, the audience can't help but wonder just which of the dwarfs honest to god took up <i>crossdressing</i> as a hobby. My money's on Bashful, personally. <br />
<br />
And those clothes look way too big to be dwarf clothing. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OvSbWjvfmrk/TtVsV9nfIMI/AAAAAAAADR0/ex6Q4PtJ8AM/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OvSbWjvfmrk/TtVsV9nfIMI/AAAAAAAADR0/ex6Q4PtJ8AM/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, Dopey has some issues, but don't worry. He's currently seeing a therapist about it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But instead of the movie taking a frightening new spin on the franchise, that's when our hero discovers two strange, short-looking women. I know this is funny hearing me say this after we just saw a man with blue skin transform into a dragon and then have a smoking owl rap about us about badness, but here is when the movie gets <i>weird.</i> Because we find dwarfs, but instead of the bearded dwarfs with names that tell us their personality right off the bat, we get...a fat woman rubbing mud into her armpits while a fat woman with a painful-looking sunburn watches her do this in sheer amazement. <br />
<br />
...I <i>guess</i> that's a unique way of presenting the Snow White story. Gotta love the change from shapeshifting wyverns to a bright red fat lady watching her sister apply a strange form of deodorant. This movie has everything!<br />
<br />
By the way, get used to these two. Because, without spoiling too much, these two get more screentime and character development than their sisters. The one on the right even has her own catchphrase.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sB0AMXvHj_I/TtVsWCygBQI/AAAAAAAADR8/l7AbJ-ucj08/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sB0AMXvHj_I/TtVsWCygBQI/AAAAAAAADR8/l7AbJ-ucj08/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"They say a mud bath helps remove toxins and impurities from your body!"<br />
"I don't buy into that New Age crap, sis."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Snow White is understandably confused about these malformed ladies loitering on the Seven Dwarfs' property until the one bathing in a mud puddle happily informs Snow White in the instantly recognizable voice of Carol Channing (aka, the mouse that sung "Marry the Mole" in Don Bluth's Thumbellina) that the Seven Dwarfs opened a mine in another kingdom and have since moved out. How nice of the Seven Dwarfs, the reason why Snow White fell in love with the Prince, to just <i>move away</i> and just plain not tell her, because the whole reason the royalty got attacked by Maliss in the first place is because they were traveling to invite the dwarfs to their wedding. Rude little assholes. They're so off her Christmas card list.<br />
<br />
Instead, what we have here are their cousins, the Seven Dwarfelles. The chubby little mudswimmer happily chimes in that the dwarfs gave them their cottage, which makes me wonder what their living arrangements were before they got the widely expanded fairytale house. Considering the fact that one of them is swimming around in a shallow mud puddle for entertainment, I bet it involved landlords, leaky indoor plumbing, and the red one flaking out on the month's rent multiple times.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H_Mccsvw8KE/TtVsWh5D4LI/AAAAAAAADSE/afN6jopt-WM/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H_Mccsvw8KE/TtVsWh5D4LI/AAAAAAAADSE/afN6jopt-WM/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She's pretty happy with her filth.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But we can't focus too much on housing issues. Snow White hears some sniffling behind a tree, so she looks over and spots Strawberry Shortcake trying to make rainclouds with her fingers. With a "It's no use, I just can't get it right!", we get to see a little girl dwarf manifest a giant thundercloud that shoots a lightning bolt so powerful that it splits a tree in two offscreen, because animating the tree actually get destroyed would've been too hard. And not once is Snow White horrified with the fact that a little girl can't control powers that can potentially electrocute or kill someone.<br />
<br />
...so, I'm guessing in this universe, magic powers are just readily available to the public. No wonder the prince didn't so much as bat an eyelash when a dragon transformed into a man that can shoot eye lasers; apparently little girls in this kingdom have powers that would make them a great addition to any superhero team. Doesn't explain why Snow White or her prince don't have any powers, but I guess magic is for commoners. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8oAKSil12dw/TtVspBqHhmI/AAAAAAAADSM/osFMdq3DZzg/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8oAKSil12dw/TtVspBqHhmI/AAAAAAAADSM/osFMdq3DZzg/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NhMqN4u67RI/TtVsphTtiRI/AAAAAAAADSQ/HgZ57OT96dw/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NhMqN4u67RI/TtVsphTtiRI/AAAAAAAADSQ/HgZ57OT96dw/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Aww, The Lorax is going to be mad..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Her wanton, uncontrollable destruction and slaughtering of Mother Nature's children saddens her so much that she breaks out into song and starts to sing the most recognizable song in the entire film. Chances are, if you've seen this movie, then you've had Thunderella's song (helpfully named just "Thunderella's Song") stuck in your head. It's painfully, achingly, utterly, unmistakeably 80's, from the synth instrumentals and the slightly digitized, echoy voice to the Phil Colins-esque drums, but it manages to be an extremely catchy tune about how Thunderella is going to shine and one day get it right. It's not the most original, memorable song in the world, and the visuals mostly involve the little girl skipping around on a fence, but it is pretty uplifting. <br />
<br />
The best part? <i>It's the length of an actual song.</i> After suffering through the severely shortened "Face to the Wind" song and having "Who is the Boss?" drowned out by background noise, the fact that there's an uninterrupted song in a non-Disney musical makes me very,<i> very</i> happy. That "I'm Bad" song that Scowl sung earlier was only like 30 seconds long but this song clocks in at a little bit over two minutes. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y8mMMWdkjZM/TtXqetQf7DI/AAAAAAAADSc/QZS16kUzezY/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y8mMMWdkjZM/TtXqetQf7DI/AAAAAAAADSc/QZS16kUzezY/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Big and looooud!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In addition to the really great facial expressions Thunderella makes while she sings in a voice that would not belong to a girl her age (although she <i>is</i> a dwarf, so who knows how old she actually is), the song also gives us cameos of the other dwarfelles before we're actually introduced to them. It turns out that in addition to having the fairytale equivalent of a giant Malibu mansion, they also have a really nice landscaped backyard that the other dwarfelles hang out and do random things like brushing bunny fur and sniffing flowers. Geez, this family must be loaded with cash.<br />
<br />
This might be one of the few times an animated musical acknowledges the fact that one of the characters just burst into song and is dancing around to catchy music, because quite a few times during Thunderella's song, everyone will stop what they're doing, sit down, and listen to her as she's going through her routine. Kind of leaning on the fourth wall there, ladies.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Xh2cXwN4wlw/TtXqfOwF7lI/AAAAAAAADSk/9rDWDgF9UwU/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Xh2cXwN4wlw/TtXqfOwF7lI/AAAAAAAADSk/9rDWDgF9UwU/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although now I find it kind of sad that none of them are joining in.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That's all fine and dandy, but the best part of this sequence hands down is the sunburnt dwarfelle's face while this is going on. Unlike her sisters, who are enchanted by the beautiful notes that fall out of the little one's mouth, she's just really pissed off and spends the entire song number just glaring at the camera and wishing that Thunderella would just shut the hell up already. But hey, maybe this is a regular occurrence and she's just fed up with it. Considering how Thunderella never messes up a lyric and she has this fantastic choreography to go with her song, it wouldn't surprise me. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ze7WFhamkGY/TtXqfbZKLNI/AAAAAAAADSs/SpRd1s_8tM4/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ze7WFhamkGY/TtXqfbZKLNI/AAAAAAAADSs/SpRd1s_8tM4/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I should've never showed her Glee."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The song ends with Thunderella literally raining on everybody's parade, which causes the future skin cancer victim to get irrationally angry and tell her that she's absolutely worthless and should go die in a fire instead of wasting oxygen. This then leads to Snow White, possibly in an attempt to play peace maker before the orange demon can start massacring her flesh and blood, to ask for everyone's names. Boy howdy, it looks like we're going to get seven introductions!<br />
<br />
But before I get into that, I have to mention one thing. I love how the red dwarf is like the least feminine thing in the history of animation. She makes the Queen of Hearts from Disney's Alice in Wonderland look downright dainty.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8YNgNcxnJxs/TtXqfr3JjjI/AAAAAAAADS0/5D4v7SH-PEE/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8YNgNcxnJxs/TtXqfr3JjjI/AAAAAAAADS0/5D4v7SH-PEE/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>I'm Mister Green Christmas <br />
I'm Mister Sun <br />
I'm Mister Heat Blister...</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Also, during these introductions, not only do we learn the Dwarfelles's names, but we also learn what they're "in charge of". Remember those Dwarfs from the Disney film who just had one character trait they were named after and nothing more? Well, unlike them, the Dwarfelles are apparently elementals, actual honest to god aspects of various portions of the world for they are the representations of what they control. They have incredible magic abilities, report to Mother Nature herself, and if they weren't so cute and cuddly, they'd be terrifying foes to behold. <br />
<br />
I have to wonder if they control absolutely everything under their power (meaning that Thunderella is responsible for why the temperature got brutally cold all of a sudden) or if they only have control over the various elements in this one kingdom, but really, this is making them look hideously overpowered compared to their cousins, who just had "the power of sneezing" or "the power of being sleepy" under their belts. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rOGh-IB-khE/TtXqgBts9CI/AAAAAAAADS8/_Yf4qsmFgpI/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rOGh-IB-khE/TtXqgBts9CI/AAAAAAAADS8/_Yf4qsmFgpI/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like that Snow White just patiently accepts the fact that she's surrounded <br />
by creatures that harness abilities no mortal is meant to behold.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But anyways, we're here to learn what the deal is with these Seven Dwarfelles the movie gave us, on account they wanted to distance themselves from the Disney classic to avoid angry lawyers. First we get Muddy, that fat little dwarf from earlier who has a weird obsession of smearing dirt underneath her armpits. No, seriously, she does this like fifty other times in this cartoon. Muddy's got problems.<br />
<br />
As you might have already guessed, Muddy is in charge of the Earth itself. That's why she has a big wet mud fetish. In addition to liking the feel of silt underneath her arms, you can also consider her the pseudo-leader of the little trolls, if only because of the way she likes to shove her way into the forefront of any dwarfelle scene. <br />
<br />
Opinions tend to differ between viewers of this film on whether Muddy's outspoken, constantly optimistic personality is annoying or charming. Personally, I like Muddy. She's cheerful, she's basically the one the does the most talking, and she can kick some serious butt if she wants to. Her nose is ridiculously huge too.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RHKXUuoz04c/TtXqgWuCfpI/AAAAAAAADTE/GSS406WUS-I/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RHKXUuoz04c/TtXqgWuCfpI/AAAAAAAADTE/GSS406WUS-I/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yeah, I'm <i>totally</i> Master of Earth itself. Jealous?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, the sunburnt dwarfelle's name is Sunburn (creative), and she's in charge of the sunlight. She helpfully demonstrates this by frying her sister, but really, compared to earth, a pretty common element in RPGs, I have to wonder just what controlling sunlight even <i>means</i>. Is Sunburn the reason why the sun rises? How strong are her powers anyways? Can she cause the sun to become this terrifying, skin-blistering orb of fiery death just to spite all of humanity if she wanted to, or is she limited to moving sunbeams? <br />
<br />
Anyways, besides that, Sunburn is perpetually pissed off at everything around her (probably because of that giant, agonizing sunburn coating her entire body and causing her eternal physical pain), is the most butt-ugly dwarfelle in the roster, and is the angriest dwarfelle that constantly raises her voice. Therefore, she's definitely filling in for Grumpy while remaining legally distinct from Grumpy. And, considering her name, I have to wonder if her name was always Sunburn and her skin was always that horrifying shade of lobster red or if she gained that moniker and skintone once she gained her powers.<br />
<br />
As you might have guessed, Sunburn and Muddy will be at each other's throats for the entire movie. They just seem to have a weird obsession with each other.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DlzzCAs-ae8/TtXqg1QQbuI/AAAAAAAADTM/-0B3eM5XOm0/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DlzzCAs-ae8/TtXqg1QQbuI/AAAAAAAADTM/-0B3eM5XOm0/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sunburn relishes in the pain of other people.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Next we have Blossom. Guess what <i>she's</i> in charge of! <br />
<br />
But that's not as weird as her actual voice. <i>Zsa Zsa Gabor</i> of all people is doing her voiceacting, because 80% of the budget was devoted to getting famous stars roped into this mess. I clearly remember the VHS of Happily Ever After devoting a huge portion of the cover to announcing who voiced who, complete with the actors' portraits next to who they played. This was before Dreamworks sort of rammed the idea of star actors starring in your movies into the ground, so back in the early 90's, this was a pretty huge deal. <br />
<br />
...oh right, I should probably talk about the character Zsa Zsa Gabor is actually playing. Well, not much to say about her, other than she's the fashion-inclined one (most of her lines are about beauty and clothing, because you can't have a group of females without one of them being like this) and her hair kind of creeps me out. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z1NeUOv9aBA/TtXqhIMCGqI/AAAAAAAADTU/_KYeqtiKx-E/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z1NeUOv9aBA/TtXqhIMCGqI/AAAAAAAADTU/_KYeqtiKx-E/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She scares the flowers into submission by wearing the skin of her fallen enemies as a warning.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After that, we get Marina. She's in charge of all the lakes and rivers, but since this isn't The Oregon Trail and we won't be needing to cross the Kansas River anytime soon, she's pretty much useless in this entire film and only exists to fill the "Seven Dwarfs" quota. Her personality is about as complex as a blank sheet of paper, but I can't fault her too much. After all, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs had Sleepy in it. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NuH67KBCtOg/TtXqhkBSnTI/AAAAAAAADTc/vuzME4BMFfw/s1600/happilyeverafter8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NuH67KBCtOg/TtXqhkBSnTI/AAAAAAAADTc/vuzME4BMFfw/s320/happilyeverafter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Hands are not supposed to bend that way.</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>The next Dwarfelle is Critterina, aptly in control of all of the wild animals in the forest, and she's probably the most popular dwarfelle next to Thunderella. I can think of several reasons why that would be true, despite the fact that she doesn't lend much to the plot. For starters, she gets a decent level of screentime without hogging the screen for too long (unlike Muddy and Sunburn, who act like they're on a two-man comedy tour the way they go at each other's throats), she has a neat little Southern accent, and she kind of looks like she belongs in Alvin and the Chipmunks. Plus any woman who goes on adventures in fluffy little slippers is a winner in my book.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SEBgDfn80fY/TtXqiFANrrI/AAAAAAAADTk/O_Ua7r85ZW4/s1600/happilyeverafter9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SEBgDfn80fY/TtXqiFANrrI/AAAAAAAADTk/O_Ua7r85ZW4/s320/happilyeverafter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I just got my rabies shot!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, remember when I said that Marina is useless? Even she's not as useless as Moonbeam, who's almost embarrassing to watch in her sheer ineptitude. She's <i>so </i>useless that she barely has any lines of dialogue, when Marina will at least contribute to conversations. In addition to being made out of fail, she's in charge of the night, but since most of this movie takes place during the day, she basically exists for one joke. It turns out that during the day, she constantly sleepwalks.<i> Hilarious.</i><br />
<i> <br />
</i>...what does "in charge of the night" even mean? Sunburn's in control of sunlight, but even that's a more tangible concept than just night. Unfortunately, we never learn what Moonbeam does (if she even does anything) because she's the only dwarfelle that never exhibits any magic powers throughout this entire film.<i><br />
</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_6dAklVY_lw/TtcwOVmxJXI/AAAAAAAADT0/O6j5H3V5-Lw/s1600/happilyeverafter11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_6dAklVY_lw/TtcwOVmxJXI/AAAAAAAADT0/O6j5H3V5-Lw/s320/happilyeverafter11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I like how the other dwarfelles just laugh at her instead of taking her <br />
to a doctor and treating her serious medical condition.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Finally, we get Thunderella. She already had a decent opening with her song, but I just want to note who voices her, which she shares with Moonbeam on account Moonbeam's too useless to get her own unique voiceactor. She's voiced by none other than Tracey Ullman, a name that should be pretty familiar to any fan of The Simpsons. <br />
<br />
Thunderella is really bummed out on account Mother Nature has called her up for a review, which apparently has never happened before. Hate to say it, but considering how Sunburn and Muddy frequently use their powers to attack each other, I'm <i>really</i> not buying the idea that Thunderella is the most incompetent out of all of them. <br />
<br />
...plus, you know, Moonbeam. I rest my case.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jcc1KyukIoM/TtXqi7QqiYI/AAAAAAAADTs/E_l1AZIPiWQ/s1600/happilyeverafter10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jcc1KyukIoM/TtXqi7QqiYI/AAAAAAAADTs/E_l1AZIPiWQ/s320/happilyeverafter10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You know, maybe giving grossly powerful magic to a little girl was a bad idea, Mother Nature.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So finally, after all of that, after over five minutes of nothing but people putting their hands on their chests and saying their names, Snow White finally tells them that she's, well, Snow White. Which is apparently a shock to all of the dwarfs. Geez, you'd think their asshole cousins would've told them what Snow White looks like. How many other women in the kingdom like to run around in a scary forest and pass out on their doorsteps? <br />
<br />
This excites Muddy so much (notice how she's the one that starts all the conversations?) that she blurts out that her and the prince were to be married, which finally causes Snow White to feel some sadness about her situation and finally release all of those feelings she kept bottled up inside. In her words, she doesn't know what happened with The Prince because she was attacked and carried off by "a horrid bird". <br />
<br />
...really. You seriously think that what attacked you was a bird. I can't even deal with this. You can't live in a medieval kingdom full of magical dwarfs and not know what a freaking <b><i>dragon</i></b> is. It's impossible!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HuJzxxD4p98/Ttfu8gn5OhI/AAAAAAAADT8/n8JYdMApg-s/s1600/happilyeverafter12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HuJzxxD4p98/Ttfu8gn5OhI/AAAAAAAADT8/n8JYdMApg-s/s320/happilyeverafter12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Snow White failed biology.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Course, MythologyFail McSadPrincess is bummed out that her fiance is probably currently being digested in the belly of a "horrid bird", so the dwarfs call upon the power of Girl Power about what they can do. Finally, Muddy (<i>geez, let someone else talk for once!</i>) decides that they can take Snow White to see Mother Nature herself. After all, she can help find the prince. How do they know she can find the prince? Because she's Mother Nature, of course! She'll help solve any plot point through the power of natural living!<br />
<br />
...maybe it's me, but there's just something surreal about the idea of Snow White going to see a physical personification of nature itself to help solve her problems. I wonder what system of beliefs is in place in this kingdom.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Zg7EozAE2HY/Ttfu9MgSUhI/AAAAAAAADUE/BcEOqS8u0Ws/s1600/happilyeverafter13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Zg7EozAE2HY/Ttfu9MgSUhI/AAAAAAAADUE/BcEOqS8u0Ws/s320/happilyeverafter13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">By the way, they had actual honest to god <i>action figures</i> of the Dwarfelles. I've seen them spring up on eBay.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, back at the Wicked Queen's Castle, we find that the design of the castle has changed dramatically since we last saw it, changing from a rather believable castle design to some sort of Final Fantasy-esque final dungeon with like a hundred floors. It certainly didn't look like that during the opening scene, that's for sure!<br />
<br />
And now I'm sad that this means that, while the dwarfelles were flapping their lips about sunlight and the lakes and rivers, the audience missed a scene where Lord Maliss used his mystical eye laser and dragon shapeshifting energy to transform the entire castle into some sort of terrifying structure of pure evil. Lord Maliss spits upon your mortal concepts like "toning it down" and "subtlety". The whole world must know that he oozes pure rottenness out of every orifice and pore of his body!<br />
<br />
...or the layout artists just plain forgot what the castle looked like and were winging it. Either one works.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cSSckfFW8-M/Ttfu9Tk4UHI/AAAAAAAADUM/V-cqxeyCdf4/s1600/happilyeverafter14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cSSckfFW8-M/Ttfu9Tk4UHI/AAAAAAAADUM/V-cqxeyCdf4/s320/happilyeverafter14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Subtle.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But we gotta check up on Lord Melodramatic. It turns out both he and his fabulous manicure are using the looking glass to locate Snow White's whereabouts, because he honest to god lost her when she ran into the woods.<br />
<br />
...uh, why didn't he do this as soon as he got home? Snow White was in that forest for a long, long time, and she even ended up falling asleep, giving Lord Maliss at least half a day to use his magic mirror to seek her out. Is it just not in the villain code to attack while your enemy is passed out in an exhaustion-induced slumber? Or did Lord Maliss totally just procrastinate his whole evil villain scheme of hate-filled revenge?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YErUkwQ0oHI/Ttfu9tqN0XI/AAAAAAAADUU/rjkU1bI9IJw/s1600/happilyeverafter15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YErUkwQ0oHI/Ttfu9tqN0XI/AAAAAAAADUU/rjkU1bI9IJw/s320/happilyeverafter15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's definitely an appropriate face for a sentient magical object that can spy into anyone's home at anytime.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Through the use of dated special effects, he learns from the mirror (who uses Dom DeLuise-induced rhymes of course) that the Seven Dwarfs no longer live in the cottage, but rather the Seven Dwarfelles, which causes Lord Maliss to sneer and call them useless little fools. Lord Maliss hates women, apparently. <br />
<br />
But his mood quickly improves when he sees that Snow White's with them. Quickly, he demands the mirror to show them where they're headed, all while we're treated to a really weird view of what's inside the magical piece of glass. Apparently there's a small pocket dimension filled with darkness and the silent cries of trapped souls hidden with Dom DeLuise's character. Interesting?<br />
<br />
And if Lord Maliss knows exactly where the Seven Dwarfs live, and now knows that Snow White is there, then <i>why doesn't he turn into a dragon and fly off and attack her?</i> I mean, sheesh, we've seen how fast the dragon can move. Lord Maliss can cover some serious distance if he wants to. Unless there's some sort of a limit to his dragon powers and he can't just transform whenever he wants. They never really go into detail about the limitations of that spell.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MxrjrJxjfeA/Ttfu-DFOltI/AAAAAAAADUc/aeJ6TF8Mf4s/s1600/happilyeverafter16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MxrjrJxjfeA/Ttfu-DFOltI/AAAAAAAADUc/aeJ6TF8Mf4s/s320/happilyeverafter16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You mean this thing gets HBO for free!?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But because Lord Maliss is a bit of a dumbass and can't use his dragon powers efficiently, we learn the location of where Mother Nature is. She lives in a charming place called Rainbow Falls, a place that is both pretty and lacking in an original title. Rainbow Falls is so magical and important of a place that it's the background of the cover of this movie and, like Lord Maliss and his need to advertise his evil through the use of appropriate backgrounds, Mother Nature has to advertise how pure and good she is with a lush paradise. Everybody is a ham in this film. <br />
<br />
Also, how was the mirror able to look into the Seven Dwarfelles's <i>minds</i> and figure out where they were going before they even arrived? That's some serious psychic abilities there!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2K9qjkOXpNk/Ttfu-TmDlCI/AAAAAAAADUk/-Qe06wbpz3A/s1600/happilyeverafter17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2K9qjkOXpNk/Ttfu-TmDlCI/AAAAAAAADUk/-Qe06wbpz3A/s320/happilyeverafter17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><strike>Taste</strike> Drink the rainbow.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now that he knows the location of where they're going to go, Lord Maliss is going to get right on his task of pure villainy and murder some poor child in the death grip of his <strike>dragon</strike> bird talons? <br />
<br />
...well, no. First he wants to find Scowl on account he's still mad about the whole "screwing up his murder scheme from yesterday" thing.<i> Geez,</i> Lord Maliss. Can't that wait until <i>after</i> your worst enemy is dead?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vLdtdCby8oI/Ttfu-_4u1qI/AAAAAAAADUs/ZlXA_LJQZ3o/s1600/happilyeverafter18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vLdtdCby8oI/Ttfu-_4u1qI/AAAAAAAADUs/ZlXA_LJQZ3o/s320/happilyeverafter18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I AM NOT OVERREACTING!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We later find the little cronies hiding out from Lord Maliss's wrath, because in Scowl's attempts to be bad, he's now on Maliss's "Things That Must Die Immediately" list. It's a really short scene that doesn't do much in terms of advancing the story (Scowl and Batso only really exist in this movie for comic relief and to give the film a moral), but I like it anyways for one thing. Batso has a seizure of logic and helpfully points out that Lord Maliss never said anything about tearing him apart, so technically he doesn't have to do any hiding with Scowl.<br />
<br />
...why is Batso even following Scowl anymore? From the looks of it, that cancer-filled owl is going to get him killed.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jzUR73z8oJ8/Ttfu_Xvr9uI/AAAAAAAADU0/sNinj888IEU/s1600/happilyeverafter19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jzUR73z8oJ8/Ttfu_Xvr9uI/AAAAAAAADU0/sNinj888IEU/s320/happilyeverafter19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And that is one long-lasting cigar. He's been smoking that thing for over two days now!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After that pointless scene that added nothing (which is an apt description for half of the movie), the hobbits and their tall, powerful leader continue on their merry way to Mother Nature's domain. We get yet another scene where Thunderella doubts herself and wishes she was as special as the others, even asking Snow White if she knows what makes Thunderella so special. In response, Snow White totally dodges the question and instead gives her a hug, hoping that will shut up the enchanted fairy. Surprisingly, this scene is authentically quite adorable and fills this cynic of a writer with warm fuzzies. I think it's because of the weird animation bump this scene gets, where suddenly the characters move with some fluidity. <br />
<br />
By the way, Thunderella? Considering that song from earlier and the way you effortlessly destroyed that tree, your talents are singing and indescribable chaos. That sounds pretty special to me.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-E5nYonTipQ4/Ttlgk5faUXI/AAAAAAAADU8/PBLmF7_KNSY/s1600/happilyeverafter21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-E5nYonTipQ4/Ttlgk5faUXI/AAAAAAAADU8/PBLmF7_KNSY/s320/happilyeverafter21.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FLVoRoH6jSs/TtlglRfHxWI/AAAAAAAADVE/tYmXMv3RN6o/s1600/happilyeverafter22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FLVoRoH6jSs/TtlglRfHxWI/AAAAAAAADVE/tYmXMv3RN6o/s320/happilyeverafter22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awwww.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unfortunately, they're not alone, for their actions are being spied upon by...some sort of strange mix between Orko from He-Man and a Dungeons and Dragons rouge. Depending on who you ask, people who watched this movie were either afraid of this guy or found him just precious. Me, I found him adorable. He's in a movie where there's an asshole mirror that flashes children the face of the recently deceased and a greasy warlock that runs around and transforms into a dragon. He's cute just by sheer comparison, even if he does look a little mean on the video cover.<br />
<br />
I won't get too much into him yet, but we will be seeing a lot more of him later on. Cartoon movies never intentionally fake out the viewers by showing a unique character model and then never doing anything about it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5r67mB-zRc/TtlglkxJM8I/AAAAAAAADVM/WVtD-aJiF2E/s1600/happilyeverafter23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5r67mB-zRc/TtlglkxJM8I/AAAAAAAADVM/WVtD-aJiF2E/s320/happilyeverafter23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Giiiiirls."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>By the way, this movie just made me feel like a massive idiot, because I never knew they had to go<i> through </i>the waterfall to get to Mother Nature's garden until watching it just now. All these years, I thought they just stopped at the rainbow falls to admire it before continuing on to her garden, and not once did I spot the little foot stones. I've been living a terrible lie.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0bWNV35eOUU/TtlgmKbYIXI/AAAAAAAADVU/Gb_-hPbKoxI/s1600/happilyeverafter24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0bWNV35eOUU/TtlgmKbYIXI/AAAAAAAADVU/Gb_-hPbKoxI/s320/happilyeverafter24.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
All the idiots enter the raging waterfall and make their way into Mother Nature's garden, a wondrous paradise that seems awfully tropical and rainforest-like for a place that's supposed to be in Germany. In the land of feminine energy and fertility, we get two things. First, we get a cameo from Igor, a star from Filmation's previous movie, Pinocchio and The Emperor of the Night.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8OzCL9_2kXs/TtlgmUEStWI/AAAAAAAADVc/ncZVb2IH6YE/s1600/happilyeverafter25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8OzCL9_2kXs/TtlgmUEStWI/AAAAAAAADVc/ncZVb2IH6YE/s320/happilyeverafter25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Igor predates Aladdin's Abu by about 5 years, meaning that Disney is ripping off of HIM.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Then, we get a song from Phyllis Diller, who happens to be Mother Nature. I'm not sure how <i>Phyllis Diller</i> of all people got roped into this movie, but I'm going to assume she had a total blast doing it, because Mother Nature's scenes are just filled with an energy that Snow White lacks. This deity doesn't just use magic to create new and exotic creatures; she's gotta do it while shaking her hips, crooning her heart out (while backed up by singing flowers with duck bills; yeah, it's a strange film), and laughing like she's just heard the best dumb blonde joke in the history of comedy, all while wearing an outfit that would make even the most hardcore hippie blush. Her scenes are short, but they're like an intoxicating elixir that leaves you begging for more. And now I wish the movie starred her. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kK2Fr4Y50LQ/Ttlgm1ICAII/AAAAAAAADVk/ZUcMLylsbHg/s1600/happilyeverafter26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kK2Fr4Y50LQ/Ttlgm1ICAII/AAAAAAAADVk/ZUcMLylsbHg/s320/happilyeverafter26.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0y3-GKl4Maw/TtlgnBSP0OI/AAAAAAAADVs/Gi-MAsh113Q/s1600/happilyeverafter27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0y3-GKl4Maw/TtlgnBSP0OI/AAAAAAAADVs/Gi-MAsh113Q/s320/happilyeverafter27.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here's a woman that loves her job.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As you can see, Mother Nature in this film is a little bit different from other, more traditional interpretations of this character. In this movie, she's a bit of a hula-themed essentric mad scientist of a woman who creates life by mixing up random crap in her giant jugs (get your mind out of the gutter) and then pouring out liquid of various colors, which manifests animals at whim. It's an oddly complicated process for something that should come naturally for this woman, but hey, maybe she's doing it to spruce up the job she's had for millennia. <br />
<br />
I do love Snow White's response to Mother Nature's song. Without moving a muscle, we see her jaw drop and she utters in a shocked tone "THAT'S Mother Nature!?". When <i>your own characters</i> are questioning the design choices made by your animation team, that's a bad sign. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xoZQCq1kNX4/Ttlgnp---lI/AAAAAAAADV0/VWvha4LQl6U/s1600/happilyeverafter28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xoZQCq1kNX4/Ttlgnp---lI/AAAAAAAADV0/VWvha4LQl6U/s320/happilyeverafter28.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"These hips don't lie!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But for saying something negative about Phyllis Diller, she's quickly chastised by Cogsworth the Giant Sunflower, because if this movie lacked one thing, it's moments that make me want to pause my film and wonder if people seriously animated this or if I'm just imagining things. Don't tell me concept artists were actually <i>paid</i> to come up with something this repulsive!<br />
<br />
I do love the look Snow White gives this sin against nature. This has truly been the weirdest twenty-four hours of her life.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nfl1BZL6k8U/TtljNQSUYFI/AAAAAAAADV8/0I_2la5Qf-4/s1600/happilyeverafter29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nfl1BZL6k8U/TtljNQSUYFI/AAAAAAAADV8/0I_2la5Qf-4/s320/happilyeverafter29.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I could handle the dragon and the dwarf smearing mud underneath her armpits, <br />
but a talking sunflower? That's just weird!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We then get the portion of the movie I like to call "Random Activity for the Kids Scene", because for a minute or two, while Mother Nature is still singing, she creates hideous abominations that are somehow related to a pun and the movie expects us to play a guessing game. The characters don't even try to hide the fact that it's a game either, with each of them taking turns solving what each animal is supposed to be before Mother Nature fixes them. I guess the movie needed some lighthearted whimsy so that the children would forget about that nightmarish ghost face of the Wicked Queen's corpse, even if this scene is pretty monotonous when you're an adult.<br />
<br />
I kind of wish Mother Nature kept the catfish the way it was instead of turning it into a normal fish. I would love to have one of those as a pet. Look at those big fishy lips! That would've been an awesome pet!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TzFZxwO9OCk/TtljNjJo9cI/AAAAAAAADWE/JnPJpHybXPk/s1600/happilyeverafter30.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TzFZxwO9OCk/TtljNjJo9cI/AAAAAAAADWE/JnPJpHybXPk/s320/happilyeverafter30.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UUvn6P45bEE/TtljOGZ-mXI/AAAAAAAADWM/y-TE8Vq8geg/s1600/happilyeverafter31.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UUvn6P45bEE/TtljOGZ-mXI/AAAAAAAADWM/y-TE8Vq8geg/s320/happilyeverafter31.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, she's been making new species for <i>millions of years</i>. How can she still make mistakes like this!?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But once the song is over and Gaia actually sees that she has company, her mood suddenly turns sour and she acts like their presence in her Ferngully of a garden has instantly ruined her day, the way she treats them. Man, who knew Mother Nature was such an asshole?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S7og37S-PS4/TtljOpYfJBI/AAAAAAAADWU/AEawAamCgwg/s1600/happilyeverafter32.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S7og37S-PS4/TtljOpYfJBI/AAAAAAAADWU/AEawAamCgwg/s320/happilyeverafter32.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Look, can it wait? I'm busy filling Australia with thousands of poisonous animals."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Before she can even deal with Snow White (she just kind of ignores that Snow White even exists), she has to call Thunderella out on her negligence. She does this by summoning a list and saying, in really pretentious, long, overly scientific words, that Thunderella can't control the weather properly and sucks at her job. It's basically Mother Nature chewing the scenery, but hey, they paid for the famous actor. They might as well use her to the fullest.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GBidrrAiKnk/TtljO4meVlI/AAAAAAAADWc/q8ch2VPaJeo/s1600/happilyeverafter33.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GBidrrAiKnk/TtljO4meVlI/AAAAAAAADWc/q8ch2VPaJeo/s320/happilyeverafter33.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, geez, would you look at that. According to The Butterfly Effect, you accidentally wiped out Atlantis this morning."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But Miss Frizzle is not done. She has to chew out every single Dwarfelle for gross misuse of powers. The dwarfs were given their powers in the first place to be there where Mother Nature couldn't and to create harmony, and she's mad that they keep fighting. She even points out the earthquakes and sunbeams that are manipulated in these fights, a clear sign that all seven dwarfelles are out of control.<br />
<br />
<i>Wait a second</i>. Only Muddy and Sunburn are the ones with major issues. Why are you taking <i>all</i> of their powers if a lot of the other dwarfs are perfectly good-natured? Marina and Blossom weren't starting any fights! Why do they have to suffer too? This is just like your football coach making the whole team run a mile because of two dickweeds who won't stop giving each other purple nurples near the goal post. It's never fair and it just makes the team want to kill the people responsible. <br />
<br />
...also, why did she give powers to seven random dwarfs anyways? Did they audition for the part, did they have to go through an apprenticeship first? We're supposed to accept the fact that Mother Nature just gave them these mystical god-like abilities and not wonder just what the hell they did to deserve them. The Seven Dwarfs didn't have powers! Why do they have powers? <i>Explain, movie!</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-10n-28y1NfQ/TtljPWT6GLI/AAAAAAAADWk/mjsQTAibkP8/s1600/happilyeverafter34.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-10n-28y1NfQ/TtljPWT6GLI/AAAAAAAADWk/mjsQTAibkP8/s320/happilyeverafter34.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And while Mother Nature was yelling at the dwarfs, Snow White became a member of the living dead.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Snow White decides to defend the people she's only known for half a day, saying that the little female goblins should get a second chance since even Mother Nature makes mistakes. This argument manages to piss off Mother Nature, because she thinks she never makes mistakes. You know, even though we just saw her create a mouse with a door for a chest cavity. That takes some serious messing up to fail that badly in your own work.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ku3wcZmUI68/TtljPsW9lbI/AAAAAAAADWs/QdDSDWfi8Ww/s1600/happilyeverafter35.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ku3wcZmUI68/TtljPsW9lbI/AAAAAAAADWs/QdDSDWfi8Ww/s320/happilyeverafter35.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"But if you never make mistakes, then explain the platypus!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Mother Nature is firm with her decision that the dwarfelles will be stripped of their powers, so Snow White's going to need a miracle in order to save her friends. After all, she's going to need creatures with magical powers in order to fight a horrid bird. <br />
<br />
Luckily, one comes in the form of Lord Maliss showing up out of nowhere!<br />
<br />
...wait, what?<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T2leFWGlcjA/TtljnizZpZI/AAAAAAAADW4/3S1lbrAU1w4/s1600/happilyeverafter36.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T2leFWGlcjA/TtljnizZpZI/AAAAAAAADW4/3S1lbrAU1w4/s320/happilyeverafter36.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, sorry I'm late, but I had to burninate some countrysides."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Yep, it turns out Lord Maliss actually decided to make use of his amazing dragon majesty and attack Snow White, just like I wanted him to. Good job, villain, for actually remembering you have mystical powers! I have to wonder why he took so long to get to Mother Nature's garden, considering Snow White and her magical bodyguards had enough time to get to the place on foot <i>and</i> listen to a lovely sing-a-long, but I'm sure he had a good reason. Maybe he was destroying the Seven Dwarfelles's home, considering that place never makes an appearance in the movie ever again. It wouldn't be above Lord Maliss to engage in some spiteful property destruction.<br />
<br />
But don't worry, guys. Mother Nature is the master of both her own domain and some incredibly silly-looking 80's special effects. Snow White is safe for now.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ERXrbxvA-9k/TtljoHB7ZJI/AAAAAAAADXA/Ziou7Uac3PQ/s1600/happilyeverafter37.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ERXrbxvA-9k/TtljoHB7ZJI/AAAAAAAADXA/Ziou7Uac3PQ/s320/happilyeverafter37.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ysg8a6MP3t8/Ttljosb-0QI/AAAAAAAADXI/hFTr0hEZ0KM/s1600/happilyeverafter38.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ysg8a6MP3t8/Ttljosb-0QI/AAAAAAAADXI/hFTr0hEZ0KM/s320/happilyeverafter38.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, this is pretty awesome.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Lord Maliss isn't too bugged by the fact that he just got his ass handed to him by a woman wearing leis and comically oversized flowers, so he gives the Princess an offer she cannot refuse. He helpfully informs Snow White in his lovely, ever-mocking tone of voice that if she ever wants to find out what happened to "her precious Prince", she needs to go to his castle in The Realm of Doom. Houston, we have our plot! <br />
<br />
Notice how he doesn't even disguise the fact that he's setting up a trap for her (I mean, geez, that's smart, going to the very place where he has the most control and power, when he's already ridiculously overpowered) and she still manages to fall for it anyway. Also, interesting switch in gender roles, having Snow White be the one that gets to rescue her prince. Kind of a progressive step for this fairy tale.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-td7quJspjBM/Ttljo-4jwfI/AAAAAAAADXQ/uI75HiPLkH4/s1600/happilyeverafter39.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-td7quJspjBM/Ttljo-4jwfI/AAAAAAAADXQ/uI75HiPLkH4/s320/happilyeverafter39.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'll get you, Penelope Pitstop!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>In addition to the fact that Lord Maliss just cannot say a sentence without sounding like he's trying to win the award for "Most Hamtastic Villain", I also love the dwarfelles's faces when they see him transform and fly away. Those are the faces of people who know they're boned.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R1ytucHVKc4/TtljpGo-cbI/AAAAAAAADXY/wUOpI1vqIjk/s1600/happilyeverafter40.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R1ytucHVKc4/TtljpGo-cbI/AAAAAAAADXY/wUOpI1vqIjk/s320/happilyeverafter40.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OMIFHXwrDz0/TtljpmA8fVI/AAAAAAAADXg/q10kMjKQqf0/s1600/happilyeverafter41.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OMIFHXwrDz0/TtljpmA8fVI/AAAAAAAADXg/q10kMjKQqf0/s320/happilyeverafter41.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, I'm confident that these dwarfs will be able to beat this terrifying dragon monster.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Even though that sight of Lord Maliss turning into the most badass <strike>dragon</strike> horrid bird in the history of Filmation was probably enough to fill at least five dwarfelle panties with feces, Snow White is still determined she's going to save her prince. It's the least she can do after he helped her with that whole glass coffin and evil stepmother disguised as an old woman thing. Our hero even negotiates with Mother Nature in order to take the Seven Dwarfelles with her. Hey, if she's going to die, those little morons are going to die with her. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3qK-OOqUVvA/Ttljp8yN1DI/AAAAAAAADXo/qaW8eov5AtA/s1600/happilyeverafter42.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3qK-OOqUVvA/Ttljp8yN1DI/AAAAAAAADXo/qaW8eov5AtA/s320/happilyeverafter42.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"No offense, but considering your stepmother killed you with fruit, I really doubt <br />
you're able to kill a dragon with your bare hands."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So now Mother Nature's allowing this, because it gives the dwarfelles one last chance to prove themselves. And with her raid party gathered, Snow White can finally conquer the The Realm of Doom 8-man instance, which I heard drops some pretty amazing loot. I just hope Moonbeam doesn't screw it up for all of them and inadvertently gets them all killed. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4SFaScHx7pA/TtljqN-hvgI/AAAAAAAADXw/1eJK7vu_gnU/s1600/happilyeverafter43.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4SFaScHx7pA/TtljqN-hvgI/AAAAAAAADXw/1eJK7vu_gnU/s320/happilyeverafter43.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Remember, if you die, I'm going to deny that I ever had any part in this. I have a reputation to maintain."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And with that, I'm going to stop for now.<br />
<br />
Well, this has been a fun couple of minutes so far, but like any cracktastic movie worth its salt, it's only going to get even crazier as time goes on. I'll see you next time, but for now, remember that Mother Nature is perfectly capable of handing you magic powers, just as long as you're willing to tolerate the fact that she can shoot Sith Lightning out of her body. <br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2012/01/happily-ever-after-1993-film-part-3.html#more">Mother Nature creates a strange cat/fish hybrid that leads you to Part 3!</a></b></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-34121394649666756182011-11-26T14:13:00.000-08:002012-02-17T12:20:31.170-08:00The Mask: The Animated Series - Mask Au GratinSorry this is so late, but in the long run, my finals and visiting my family are <i>probably</i> more important than my blog. Plus I needed the small break. After consistently posting really huge posts every three to five days, a small vacation was imminent. <br />
<br />
But judging by both the poll and the pageviews, quite a few people like it when I talk about this show.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PyweoNYGe0g/TmmodvCDqLI/AAAAAAAABM8/GItmyJwG-Gg/s1600/themask.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="298" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PyweoNYGe0g/TmmodvCDqLI/AAAAAAAABM8/GItmyJwG-Gg/s400/themask.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
Now, when I watched Convention of Evil, this prompted a couple people to ask about the actual episodes in the clip show. And thus, it'd be a smart choice to talk about them. <br />
<br />
Course, choosing an episode was hard. My first choice was, of course, The Stinger's episode, but due to language barriers (as of this writing, an English copy still hasn't been located) and the fact that I'll look like a dumbass by trying to talk about a cartoon while muting it, so that was a no go. I'm still waiting for the day that episode crops up online in English, if only because that'll be the day where I can talk about a giant bee man for hours and hours and not be judged by my fellow Americans. <br />
<br />
But anyways, I figure I'll go with the second best choice, one that was brought up by friends and e-mails alike, while hanging my head in sadness and wishing this was that glorious, honey-flavored episode. In other words, this is the episode where some Mesopotamian cheese witch attacks a city and turns things into processed food with her laser eyes. Not as cool as some mutant honeybee that forces people to toil in his homemade nectar factory, but you have to admit it's original. <br />
<br />
Without further ado... <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Mask Au Gratin</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OgCaT7G-Nds/Tslr-gumpNI/AAAAAAAADBM/Xwou0UmWuVY/s1600/maskaugratin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="293" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OgCaT7G-Nds/Tslr-gumpNI/AAAAAAAADBM/Xwou0UmWuVY/s400/maskaugratin.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><b><br />
Airdate:</b> 1996</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: green;"><span style="color: red;">Online Only</span><br />
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Now, normally I'm filled with delight whenever a The Mask episode opens up, because it means that I'm going to view one of my favorite 90's cartoons. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the very first thought I have of<i> this </i>episode is "Oh god, why is the music so terrible? Quit assaulting my ears, cartoon! Make it stop!". It's hard to describe this abortion of musical notes using only text, but imagine if you will a stoned trumpet player and his suffering tuba friend trying to play light-hearted clown music and failing at making it sound at all comical. Instead of getting happy, humorous music, you get what is basically Annoyance in sound form. This music will drill itself into your ear drum and then hump your brain until you lose a thousand brain cells, it's <i>that </i>bad. It hurts that I'm insulting The Mask right now, but geez, this is the worst possible music choice to open an episode. <br />
<br />
And this music, this horrifying mutation of a song, goes on for almost a full minute too. What did I do to deserve this, cartoon?<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PrEOfLImoHI/TslyYfpZGaI/AAAAAAAADBU/pM6JoZg5MUM/s1600/maskaugratin1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PrEOfLImoHI/TslyYfpZGaI/AAAAAAAADBU/pM6JoZg5MUM/s320/maskaugratin1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"See? The bills have been piling up. You can tell because I helpfully labelled that stack of papers!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I almost missed what was going on since I was so distracted by the background music practically drowning out the dialogue. Stanley is five days late on the rent, but Mrs. Peenman (his cranky old lady landlord who's really quite awesome in her eternal grouchiness) is willing to cut him a deal. Her niece Jennifer is in town, and if Stanley takes her out, shows her around town, and she has a good time, Stanley gets to skip this month's rent. If Stanley doesn't take her niece out, Peenman will throw his ass out on the streets. And she says that while displaying a realistic gun (it's a paintball gun, but come on, look at that thing!) in a holster. You know, just like every landlord in a major city, especially one filled with supervillains.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5-9cZ4Rwb-g/TslyYWf-IeI/AAAAAAAADBY/rfeLiAi1y8Y/s1600/maskaugratin2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5-9cZ4Rwb-g/TslyYWf-IeI/AAAAAAAADBY/rfeLiAi1y8Y/s320/maskaugratin2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, by the way, Stanley has the best pajamas in the history of animation.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Even though this deal really sounds too good to be true, because seriously, skipping a month's rent to take someone out sounds alright to me, Stanley still dreads the thought, because he imagines her niece to be exactly like her and even Stanley has his standards. We even get to see into the depraved depths of Stanley's mind, just so the slower members of the audience will get that this would be a terrible situation, dating someone related to Peenman. There's no way she could be anything other than the spitting image of that person he hates!<br />
<br />
...yeah, you can probably guess the punchline to this setup pretty easily. Even if I did like how, in Stanley's imagination, he goes through that date hungry as well as miserable. Note the number of plates on that table.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1jj-e196bTs/TslyYjtVSnI/AAAAAAAADBg/tnSUtHy0m-A/s1600/maskaugratin3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1jj-e196bTs/TslyYjtVSnI/AAAAAAAADBg/tnSUtHy0m-A/s320/maskaugratin3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Freud would have a field day with this...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So at four pm, Jennifer shows up, and well what do you know, despite being related to his old, ugly, grouchy landlord that he hates, Jennifer is young, smoking hot, and nice and he immediately falls head over heels for her. Color me surprised. This cartoon moment has been brought to you by Situational Irony. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZSwCUwdflQI/TslyYyDT0dI/AAAAAAAADBo/-6Exi21cEeI/s1600/maskaugratin4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZSwCUwdflQI/TslyYyDT0dI/AAAAAAAADBo/-6Exi21cEeI/s320/maskaugratin4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She also has a great sense in fashion.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I do love Mrs. Peenman in this scene, even if that dreaded clown music (that's apparently her theme song, which just feels unnecessarily cruel to this character) rears its ugly head again once she's onscreen. She basically hints to Stanley that if he does anything to her niece (I'll let your dirty minds do the rest), she's going to blow his head off with the shotgun she carries with her at all times. Mrs. Peenman sure likes to exercise her Second Amendment right to bear arms, especially when it comes to scaring the crap out of her tenants.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nE1tgBXQgZ0/TslyZG3dELI/AAAAAAAADBw/XXDu6ZiSCs0/s1600/maskaugratin5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nE1tgBXQgZ0/TslyZG3dELI/AAAAAAAADBw/XXDu6ZiSCs0/s320/maskaugratin5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The saddest thing is, I can totally buy the idea that Peenman's shot and <br />
murdered tenants and the cops just never found the bodies.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>One screen transition later and they're at a fancy restaurant (and how can Stanley afford a fancy restaurant if he's behind on both bills and the rent, <i>hmm?</i>), with Stanley saying that he's never met an archaeologist before. So let me get this straight. Mrs. Peenman's niece is hot, funny, nice, <i>and</i> incredibly smart too? Geez, I bet she can also walk on water and set the VCR too. <br />
<br />
Jennifer the Perfect and Magical is happy to talk about her job that's miles better than Stanley's job, mentioning how she just got back from a Mesopotamian archeology site. She even got to travel into Gorgonzola's tomb, which has delightful tourist attractions like The Hall of A Thousand Cows. Yep. I'm not making this up. The cartoon really said "The Hall of A Thousand Cows". There's a place in Mesopotamia where they buried a thousand dairy cows to honor a cheese witch.<br />
<br />
...yeah, you can tell just when the cartoon just starts traveling down Insanity Road. I like how, up until now, the cartoon was pretty grounded in reality (tenant negotiating with his landlord to skip a month's rent in order to fight the bills that have been piling up) and pretty sitcom-y until it just slaps you in the face with Gorgonzola and cheese witches. It's really surreal, to say the least. Points for using a place besides ancient Egypt, I guess.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e8Fv2INbj18/TsrTRMKQmgI/AAAAAAAADB8/2Cv17CWBKLk/s1600/maskaugratin6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e8Fv2INbj18/TsrTRMKQmgI/AAAAAAAADB8/2Cv17CWBKLk/s320/maskaugratin6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"No offense, Jennifer, but you're making this crap up, aren't you?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then things take a turn for the supernatural when Jennifer mentions that she removed Gorgonzola's amulet from her tomb, a relic that hasn't been seen in over four thousand years. Gorgonzola was basically the evil half sister of Parmensanu, the greatest dairy farmer of Mesopotamia, and went mad and vowed revenge. You know, basic stuff that happens in ancient cultures whenever archaeology is involved in a cartoon. And man, dairy was <i>serious freaking business</i> back then. Good cheese comes from happy cows, but head-explodingly amazing cheese comes from Mesopotamia.<br />
<br />
I like the fact that she's basically wearing an incredibly important and priceless archeological find around her neck as a piece of jewelry. Truly we're dealing with a professional here! <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BEYTjeHxAMc/TsrTRXamQmI/AAAAAAAADCE/MTqfE9B3r40/s1600/maskaugratin7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BEYTjeHxAMc/TsrTRXamQmI/AAAAAAAADCE/MTqfE9B3r40/s320/maskaugratin7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Mesopotamians were the true inventors of cartoon cheese!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Just to make things even better, there's even an inscription on the amulet that says that whoever removes the necklace from the tomb will have a curse placed upon them. Because, you know, archaeology and tomb raiding in a cartoon will always lead to a curse, guaranteed. Jennifer even, while not once feeling worried about this (because she likes to offend the spirits of the dead in her spare time), says that the inscription mentions a transformation will occur when the moon is in its third quarter. She just blows this off because, after all, transformations and curses are just superstitious mumbo-jumbo, she says, while talking to the man with a superpowerful mask.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aysXLPG2yRo/TsrTRu_LYmI/AAAAAAAADCM/gq0u_LM9CPw/s1600/maskaugratin8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aysXLPG2yRo/TsrTRu_LYmI/AAAAAAAADCM/gq0u_LM9CPw/s320/maskaugratin8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The inscription also says that anyone who takes this cursed amulet into a city with a crimefighter in it <br />
is bound to turn into a themed supervillain. I wonder what that means."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With that awkward dinner conversation over, we find that Stanley and Jennifer are out walking in a beautiful park near a pier while the background music takes on a pre-transformation vibe. Can't really put it into text, but you know what I'm talking about. Pre-transformation music is as much of a staple to wereanything plots as a moon set against parting clouds. And, just to seal the deal, we even get to see the sky go through a miraculous transformation of it's own, because it transforms from the sun setting to pitch black darkness before our very eyes! Smooth transition, guys!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SajJfxkV-jM/TsrTR_QpLzI/AAAAAAAADCU/SiVQxdoMx1A/s1600/maskaugratin9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SajJfxkV-jM/TsrTR_QpLzI/AAAAAAAADCU/SiVQxdoMx1A/s320/maskaugratin9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NBglL7I8i30/TsrTSLiJTVI/AAAAAAAADCc/_wVOX66_0hc/s1600/maskaugratin10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NBglL7I8i30/TsrTSLiJTVI/AAAAAAAADCc/_wVOX66_0hc/s320/maskaugratin10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That is one hugeass moon there.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As expected, Jennifer feels all light-headed and all pre-transformy (shut up, Spellcheck, that is <i>so</i> a word!) and Stanley, not at all genre-savvy to transformations even though <i>he freaking owns The Mask</i>, something that invokes powerful transformations, decides to run off to the convenience store to get her some water, leaving her all by herself. Hey, sure, that makes total sense. Just don't act too surprised when Jennifer turns in Gorgonzola during your absence, Stanley. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VJoaeTrFXzA/TsrTSjFAlWI/AAAAAAAADCk/gzEhhVDWtd0/s1600/maskaugratin11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VJoaeTrFXzA/TsrTSjFAlWI/AAAAAAAADCk/gzEhhVDWtd0/s320/maskaugratin11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Just don't turn into a horrible monster while I'm gone, sweetie."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And thus, Gorgonzola returns in all of her lactose-filled glory! Those allergic to cheese-related puns might want to leave the room for the rest of the episode, because things are about to get cheesy in more ways than one.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, dairy-themed villains are lacking when it comes to transformation sequences. I was expecting something grandiose, like some sort of cheese explosion that turns our hapless young woman into a hideous witch from four thousand years ago. But instead, Jennifer just stands up and fades into Gorgonzola. She doesn't so much transform as she does just phase into another dimension and have someone else take her place. But I guess I can take what I get from a cartoon that's cheese-themed.<br />
<br />
...by the way, when I first saw this scene, I <i>totally</i> pictured the Sailor Moon transformation sequence music in my head. It might be the glowing necklace. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MAKb3wP17CY/TtMPA5_B0MI/AAAAAAAADCs/k4iszcRvtPA/s1600/maskaugratin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MAKb3wP17CY/TtMPA5_B0MI/AAAAAAAADCs/k4iszcRvtPA/s320/maskaugratin.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qJUDHCRxaes/TtMPBKJdABI/AAAAAAAADC0/Gyw0n9ktdUs/s1600/maskaugratin1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qJUDHCRxaes/TtMPBKJdABI/AAAAAAAADC0/Gyw0n9ktdUs/s320/maskaugratin1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuPYmaPjVxg&feature=related">"Cheese prism power!"</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>The moment Gorgonzola returns from the grave, she throws her hands up in the air like she just don't care and shouts out that she's going to take revenge on the mortals who treated her unfairly. Only she said it with more cheese similes. One of Gorgonzola's powers is being unable to open her mouth without saying something dairy-related. A common problem with themed supervillains in 90's cartoon shows. <br />
<br />
Just one problem there, Ms. Cheese Lady. The mortals who treated you unfairly? They kind of died four thousand years ago and happen to be on the other side of the globe, where modern day Iraq happens to be. This is a pretty poor excuse to be an asshole to people you don't know just because you were treated unfairly by your sister's subjects. And how the hell can you speak Modern English?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N7w0RwaeNgc/TtMPBepUEZI/AAAAAAAADC8/q3dAgUWGZXs/s1600/maskaugratin2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N7w0RwaeNgc/TtMPBepUEZI/AAAAAAAADC8/q3dAgUWGZXs/s320/maskaugratin2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Apparently Mesopotamia also invented bad eighties hair. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>But who am I kidding. I'm watching a woman with yellow skin and hideous eye shadow use lasers to turn people into giant cheese statues. Clearly common sense fled the building screaming at least six minutes ago. <br />
<br />
And yes, she does in fact walk up to random people and just transforms them into cheese merely for existing. I have to wonder if that kills them or freezes them in time, or just how durable the cheese is. Would pushing the cheese man over shatter him completely? Can you break his arm off, therefore making a really gruesome scene when he reverts back to normal? Can you eat this guy? Does policeman cheese have a different taste to it than normal cow and goat cheese? I'm incredibly curious about this superpower, Gorgonzola! Tell me and the rest of the audience!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FixxDv7V6C8/TtMPBlVBweI/AAAAAAAADDE/CwZzT5Vg_XE/s1600/maskaugratin3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FixxDv7V6C8/TtMPBlVBweI/AAAAAAAADDE/CwZzT5Vg_XE/s320/maskaugratin3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Cheese it! The cops!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, Stanley returns and finds that Jennifer not around (<i>no duh</i>, Stanley, she's kind of wearing a mythical amulet that invokes transformations), while Gorgonzola decides to change the bridge into cheese in the part I like to call "The Section of This Cartoon That Appeared in the Convention of Evil Clip Show". I love how, even when you've seen what lead to this, this scene <b>still</b> makes absolutely no sense. <br />
<br />
In fact, it now makes even <i>less</i> sense than it did when it was completely detached from any possible storyline, because now you have to add in the fact that this is the result of a Mesopotamian curse that affected one of Mrs. Peenman's relatives. Jennifer, Mrs. Peenman's niece, is walking around, under the spell of a four thousand year old piece of cartoon cheese trapped in amber, and zapping things with her eyes and turning them into cheese. And this is seriously what she told the other villains.<br />
<br />
...waaaait a second. If Jennifer is Gorgonzola, then how was Pretorius able to invite Gorgonzola to the Convention in the first place? Ironically enough, that episode does address the fact that Gorgonzola can only exist at night, but never this problem. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tT9MbzQR5ZQ/TtMPCd5yhNI/AAAAAAAADDM/xbxgLLEJcIE/s1600/maskaugratin4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tT9MbzQR5ZQ/TtMPCd5yhNI/AAAAAAAADDM/xbxgLLEJcIE/s320/maskaugratin4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And yes, I just took a second screen of her shooting cheese lasers out of her eyes because it's just too hilarious.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>If you were familiar with the Convention of Evil episode (which I'm <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/09/mask-animated-series-convention-of-evil.html">going to helpfully link here</a>), you should be all too familiar with this part. Reporters just appear out of nowhere (and really, even with the extra set-up, you see them just magically walk into the episode) and casually report the cheesified bridge like this is an everyday occurrence, The Mask shows up and is insulted by someone saying that a cheese witch is bigger news than him, and then promptly decides that he's going to fight this strange creature that showed up in his town. But first he has to save everyone on the bridge because there are cameras recording his actions and he doesn't want his callous actions to make their way onto the Internet. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UR93Z6sqyv8/TtMPCj1TJgI/AAAAAAAADDU/tUsfCFpru-g/s1600/maskaugratin5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UR93Z6sqyv8/TtMPCj1TJgI/AAAAAAAADDU/tUsfCFpru-g/s320/maskaugratin5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This section of the episode has been brought to you by Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Now with spiral noodles!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So The Mask does what he does best with Ms. Wisconsin (aka, be annoying and hope that Gorgonzola just gives up being evil in the face of therapy and nails on a chalkboard) while I get the oddest sense of deja vu. I realize Convention of Evil comes<i> afte</i>r this episode, but considering I've watched Convention of Evil dozens of times, seeing this scene again is just weird. Somehow this scene just doesn't have the same punch without the notion that Gorgonzola isn't later recounting this in front of Ben Stein and Tim Curry.<br />
<br />
And, since I have nowhere else to say this, I'm just going to come out and say that Gorgonzola has one of the weirdest accents I have ever heard in this cartoon. Normally the characters try to sound like they're somewhere on planet Earth, but she's trying to sound like royalty mixed with a cheerleader mixed with a southern belle. I'm not sure how that's supposed to remind me of ancient Mesopotamia.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8uE2QbTb3E0/TtMPDake5QI/AAAAAAAADDk/dHs_nstSPVs/s1600/maskaugratin7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8uE2QbTb3E0/TtMPDake5QI/AAAAAAAADDk/dHs_nstSPVs/s320/maskaugratin7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is <i>so</i> going on The Mask's Facebook page.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While this scene continues on its merry way, the background artists made a fantastically huge goof when the cartoon fades into commercial. After The Mask annoys The Wicked Witch of The Cheese for long enough, she shoots an eye laser (which is going to be her main method of attack, so I sure hope you like lasers), and it fades into black. Typical behavior for a superhero cartoon, but before the commercial, they're on the dock, and after the commercial, they've somehow made it into the park even though both characters were supposed to be standing still. I have <i>no idea</i> how they can make a mistake like this. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jAqWs0W11TM/TtMPD9Q_k9I/AAAAAAAADDo/pXCwSE7J-m4/s1600/maskaugratin8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jAqWs0W11TM/TtMPD9Q_k9I/AAAAAAAADDo/pXCwSE7J-m4/s320/maskaugratin8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CqO8edjjEBQ/TtMPEM0xqzI/AAAAAAAADD0/8S3oMBTs3hA/s1600/maskaugratin9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CqO8edjjEBQ/TtMPEM0xqzI/AAAAAAAADD0/8S3oMBTs3hA/s320/maskaugratin9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">According to the inscription on the amulet, the pier will transform into a park when the moon is in its third quarter.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, while the backgrounds go through a mythical transformation of their own, Gorgonzola manages to turn The Mask into cheese.<br />
<br />
...well,<i> that </i>wasn't in Convention of Evil. You'd think she'd have mentioned that in front of the other villains! That would've scored her some major brownie points!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hp0MWZ9-iOY/TtMPElzu7eI/AAAAAAAADD8/YbkJg5OoxU0/s1600/maskaugratin10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hp0MWZ9-iOY/TtMPElzu7eI/AAAAAAAADD8/YbkJg5OoxU0/s320/maskaugratin10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yeah, Pretorius. I basically got rid of your archnemesis, the same one you've <br />
been fighting for months, in about ten seconds. Jealous?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, it turns out that The Mask can just break out of his cheese prison very easily (almost as if it was made out of <i>cheese</i>, even!), which shocks <strike>Glinda</strike> Gorgonzola, but she gets over it pretty quickly, turns a bus into cheese, and then orders the cheese bus to run over The Mask. Because she has command over all forms of cheese, including giant bus-sized cheese wedges on wheels.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
<i>...what the hell did I just type!?!</i><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ybfL_aXVJ80/TtMmxseQS2I/AAAAAAAADEE/bboGqK62kA8/s1600/maskaugratin11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ybfL_aXVJ80/TtMmxseQS2I/AAAAAAAADEE/bboGqK62kA8/s320/maskaugratin11.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--kTGbUSO_OA/TtMmyKkFKkI/AAAAAAAADEM/_nay5jLRGUA/s1600/maskaugratin12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--kTGbUSO_OA/TtMmyKkFKkI/AAAAAAAADEM/_nay5jLRGUA/s320/maskaugratin12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'd love to see the look on that animator's face when he heard just what exactly he had to draw...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, as you can imagine, this is basically 80% of the episode. Gorgonzola uses cheese powers, The Mask overcomes them, and while this is going on, both of them spew cheese puns. Cheese cheese cheese. It's a pretty standard formula they adhere to, considering The Mask encounters the villain pretty early in the episode. You'd think this would get old (and in a way, it kind of does), but the sheer volume of different cheese obstacles and jokes is just astounding in this episode. Really, I think what makes this episode unique is the fact that the writers and the animators were able to come up with so many different cheese and dairy puns. With Darkwing Duck, they end up reusing the same jokes about electricity and plants. With The Mask, each dairy pun is brand new and the magnitude of it is almost breathtaking to behold.<br />
<br />
And yes. They do in fact use "cut the cheese" somewhere in this episode. I'm glad you asked that question.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-83U7Q8j6jOc/TtMmybE9plI/AAAAAAAADEU/luWWWm2mVh0/s1600/maskaugratin13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-83U7Q8j6jOc/TtMmybE9plI/AAAAAAAADEU/luWWWm2mVh0/s320/maskaugratin13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ooh, that's very cool, but you know what would be really impressive? <br />
If you could summon a food that <i>wasn't</i> cheese!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Somewhere along the way, Gorgonzola just has about enough with their vaudeville act involving food that gives my uncle stomach trouble, so she uses some string cheese to fling The Mask into a rock concert. Not sure how we went from cheese to Generation Xers having a mosh pit, but hey, I'll take this change of scenery. That inexplicable park (remember, they used to be standing on a pier before they magically teleported into a different set piece) was getting kind of boring.<br />
<br />
This scene is also in Convention of Evil, but for such a brief time (she somehow snuck this scene in after Bub showed up through the fireplace) that I just plain didn't say anything about it. I always did find it unfair that Gorgonzola gets two whole flashbacks to herself when that time could've been devoted to The Stinger, aka the patron saint of Awesomeness and Greatness. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YxjRDcpgZa0/TtMmyoikGWI/AAAAAAAADEc/xtc9Ic44UoI/s1600/maskaugratin14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YxjRDcpgZa0/TtMmyoikGWI/AAAAAAAADEc/xtc9Ic44UoI/s320/maskaugratin14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ah, so <i>that's</i> the band that plays that generic rock music that shows up in every 90's cartoon ever.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh those wacky teenagers and their rock music, because when The Mask flies into the building completely unannounced and completely defying all the laws of physics, all he gets is some kid in green hair, who's drawn in a different style to the rest of his friends (I love how the shape of his eyes just does not match with anyone else in his group), saying that his green face is totally "happenin'" while infringing on Siskel and Ebert's copyright. Because this is the 90's. Gratuitous use of slang was considered far out back then.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fcMCDiGYFTA/TtMmyyALYoI/AAAAAAAADEk/zEJ43pXSYVI/s1600/maskaugratin15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fcMCDiGYFTA/TtMmyyALYoI/AAAAAAAADEk/zEJ43pXSYVI/s320/maskaugratin15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"My green hair gives me more realistic facial features!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Cheese lady stomps in, starts tossing The Mask around (she's pretty strong for someone who spent the last four thousand years buried underground), and, for a very brief moment, we get a cameo from one of the cartoon's main villains, Walter. Walter's one of those characters that makes a ton of background cameos in this series' run, probably because the animators loved throwing a silent, Frankenstein-esque character into the most random spot for some unforeseen reason. <br />
<br />
But, since I didn't properly talk about him yet, since at this point of time, I haven't covered an episode where he has a major role, so I doubt anyone reading my blog is going to care. I'm just noting him for posterity and possibly to score praise from longtime Mask fans. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jx8kKys3898/TtMmzEfy2FI/AAAAAAAADEs/qoHkKWF7lMQ/s1600/maskaugratin16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jx8kKys3898/TtMmzEfy2FI/AAAAAAAADEs/qoHkKWF7lMQ/s320/maskaugratin16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gorgonzola's kind of overdoing it on the metal bracelets.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>She tosses our hero around, we get some more lame puns, and this scene ends with...Gorgonzola just randomly running out of the building because she can't stand rock music and it hurts her ears. <br />
<br />
...well<i> that </i>was anti-climatic. The Mask says a great line about New Age music so I'm willing to forgive the writers for writing themselves into a corner, but still.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mtakwR47UrA/TtMmzeFlZzI/AAAAAAAADE0/-puk2-cekd8/s1600/maskaugratin17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mtakwR47UrA/TtMmzeFlZzI/AAAAAAAADE0/-puk2-cekd8/s320/maskaugratin17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"No, anything but Nickelback! That's my one weakness!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, we get one of the weirdest transitions ever. It turns out that problem with Gorgonzola just kind of <b>stops</b>, because when we leave the rock concert, instead of seeing anymore of either our main hero or our main villain, we get Stanley in bed, sleeping.<br />
<br />
Cartoon? Aren't you kind of forgetting something? Remember the plot? You can't just show the main character sleeping in his bed and expect me to instantly buy it. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Cx-50Wig90s/TtMmzu3yUaI/AAAAAAAADE8/wtao3Bw6wRo/s1600/maskaugratin18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Cx-50Wig90s/TtMmzu3yUaI/AAAAAAAADE8/wtao3Bw6wRo/s320/maskaugratin18.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Yep, Stanley wakes up and even has a scene where he talks about that weird dream he had where the entire city was being turned into cheese by "a hideous monster". I don't have to go into too much detail because you know<i> exactly</i> how this scene goes because it appears way too often in both live-action and animation. I always hated these scenes as a kid because, to me, it felt like the biggest lie my cartoons could tell me. This is why I never liked the "Over The Edge" episode of Batman: The Animated Series. Nothing is a bigger cop-out than "oh, it was just a dream, none of that cool or weird stuff happened, everyone go home". If I live through that disappointment every time I get up from bed, then why should I see it in my entertainment?<br />
<br />
Incidentally, if Gorgonzola is a hideous monster to Stanley, what does that make The Stinger, Kablamus, Putty Thing, Walter, and Fish Guy? Gorgonzola actually looks pretty good compared to some of the hideous mutants running around this town. Plus her hair has great lift!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ktp5ACAXjMk/TtMmz4Sv72I/AAAAAAAADFE/2ls9TRR4pIw/s1600/maskaugratin19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ktp5ACAXjMk/TtMmz4Sv72I/AAAAAAAADFE/2ls9TRR4pIw/s320/maskaugratin19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, that was such a weird dream I had! Even though I own The Mask and this kind of stuff happens all the time!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, but the twist is that it was real, because Stanley went to sleep with a giant cartoon cheese wedge, which he somehow didn't crush while he slept. I like how the camera even has to zoom in on the cheese wedge, as if the viewers couldn't get it the first time. Dun dun dunnnn...<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oVAB2bvX2Mc/TtMm0ff6aZI/AAAAAAAADFM/QzmNGt8SaDk/s1600/maskaugratin20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oVAB2bvX2Mc/TtMm0ff6aZI/AAAAAAAADFM/QzmNGt8SaDk/s320/maskaugratin20.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I am the cheese! I am the best character on the show! I am better than both the salami and the bologna combined!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Frightened, Stanley turns on his TV and helpfully finds a recap of what Gorgonzola did that night. Turns out that she's turned entire buildings into cheese. I have to wonder if that turned everything including the people in the building into cheese, or if we got people falling to their deaths after falling through twenty floors, since cheese couldn't support their weight. And I wonder what building cheese tastes like.<br />
<br />
...and yes, considering the fact that the time we saw her run out of the concert is the last we see of her before we cut to Stanley in bed, this basically means that The Mask, instead of following the woman who can turn both living things and giant metal structures into cheese and taking care of business, just stayed in that rock concert and danced the night away while she ruined countless lives with her lactose lasers. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!<br />
<br />
Oh, and it's during this scene that Stanley finally figures out that Jennifer's amulet is doing strange things and links Jennifer with Gorgonzola. I do love it when I end up figuring out something ten minutes earlier than the main character. It either makes me feel so much smarter or makes the main characters look really stupid.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qdRiRrsZXp0/TtMm0hr6jpI/AAAAAAAADFU/CEvzQdMdLPE/s1600/maskaugratin21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qdRiRrsZXp0/TtMm0hr6jpI/AAAAAAAADFU/CEvzQdMdLPE/s320/maskaugratin21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Those food commercials get more elaborate every year.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But he can't dwell on this shocking plot twist for too long, because Mrs. Peenman shows up (along with that hideous, godforsaken trumpet and tuba music, god I hate that song <i>so much</i>) and tells Stanley that he has to go on yet another date with Jennifer because she likes him. Only this time, they're going to the park and later the football game, because that way, Peenman can keep a better eye on them and watch them the way a vulture eyes a flattened rabbit on a busy highway. Like the vulture waiting for the cars to pass on by so it can snack on rotten intestines, Peenman is just waiting for the chance to see Stanley slip up so that he can start packing and leave her building for good.<br />
<br />
I have to admire her restraint in this scene too. Not once does she pull out her gun, or even implies that she's carrying one. That's Peenman's way of being generous.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5mk6T9XeOUQ/TtMm0wb8r6I/AAAAAAAADFc/UG3esUy4l70/s1600/maskaugratin22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5mk6T9XeOUQ/TtMm0wb8r6I/AAAAAAAADFc/UG3esUy4l70/s320/maskaugratin22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Her tenant is a human fish bowl.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So once again, we're with Stanley near a horse-drawn carriage at nightfall, leaving us to assume that absolutely nothing happened between 7 am (the time his alarm clock woke him up) and sundown. You know, even though the television <i>clearly</i> said that Gorgonzola turned half of downtown into cheese, that somehow did not affect Stanley's workday one bit. So you mean to tell me that no one on the streets was panicking that they just lost their workplace and they can't even go near it on account they're vegans? No?<br />
<br />
While I dwell on this plot point for way too long, Jennifer tells Stanley that for some odd reason, she can't remember anything she did last night. Gee whiz. You know, you'd think an archaeologist would be able to figure this conundrum out. You have a Master's Degree, Jennifer! <i>You</i> figure it out! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ipwaggO8eeM/TtMm1JSMCUI/AAAAAAAADFk/P6ttlWhQwY4/s1600/maskaugratin23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ipwaggO8eeM/TtMm1JSMCUI/AAAAAAAADFk/P6ttlWhQwY4/s320/maskaugratin23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I don't believe in magic. A lot of superstitious hocus pocus. I'm going after a find of <br />
incredible historical significance; you're talking about the boogie man."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But before Stanley can tell her that she's turning into a cheese monster and wrecking havoc on his fair city (although I'm not sure how you'd bring that up politely in casual conversation), she drops the subject and gets to talking about her amulet while they have a nice horse-powered ride. It turns out that in the light of the third quarter moon, the bearer of the amulet transforms into a monster with awesome destructive dairy-related powers. No,<i> really?</i><br />
<br />
In other words, we're learning absolutely nothing in this scene. Can't she just turn into The Duchess of Cows already so that we can advance the plot?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2f5wZr6WTHQ/TtMm1lhMhzI/AAAAAAAADFs/0V1MiSJM4Ds/s1600/maskaugratin24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2f5wZr6WTHQ/TtMm1lhMhzI/AAAAAAAADFs/0V1MiSJM4Ds/s320/maskaugratin24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Archaeology.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Of course, we quickly get just that, with Jennifer mentioning that she feels really drowsy and transforming right in Stanley's lap. And that sounds way sexier than what the cartoon had.<br />
<br />
Boy, the more I think about this, the more I realize how awkward of a moment this is. I wonder what Stanley thought now that he was invading a supervillain's personal space, one that smells like four thousand year old cheddar, and I wonder what the horse driver thought when one of his customers shapeshifted into the same person that changed half of downtown into stinky, impossibly high, possibly now falling apart cheese statues.<br />
<br />
...how long do those cheese statues last? I wonder if that policeman from the beginning of the episode was pecked apart by pigeons and later torn apart by hobos.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1CuP9WTneR0/TtMsuBE-KdI/AAAAAAAADF4/Vvc9XWDijYk/s1600/maskaugratin25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1CuP9WTneR0/TtMsuBE-KdI/AAAAAAAADF4/Vvc9XWDijYk/s320/maskaugratin25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"No thanks. I'm lactose intolerant."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Since <strike>Elphaba</strike> Gorgonzola wisely figured out that Stanley was trying to remove her amulet, aka the source of her power, we then get a great scene where Stanley runs out of the carriage and has to dodge cheesifying eye lasers in a park. I love this scene because of two things. One, it reminds me a lot of that shooting minigame from The Oregon Trail (aka a game I could never win because everyone in my group would either ford a giant river and drown, or die of dysentery), instantly making it awesome. Two, it creates a phenomenon called Tree Cheese. Tree cheese is just awesome. Now I can't help but wonder if tree cheese is vegan friendly, considering it's a plant and no animals were harmed in the making of it, save for whatever unlucky squirrels happened to be on the trunk at the time.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hYN_N7oFtdk/TtMsueDppvI/AAAAAAAADGA/fg82WhgomF0/s1600/maskaugratin26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hYN_N7oFtdk/TtMsueDppvI/AAAAAAAADGA/fg82WhgomF0/s320/maskaugratin26.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And every time she misses Stanley, that dog from Duck Hunt laughs at her.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Suddenly, disaster befalls our poor hero, for he is transformed into a cheese statue moments before he can put on the mask. Like many moments in this show, Stanley is usually caught by the main villain and rendered completely helpless before he can transform into the invincible superhero we know and love, in an attempt to drum up some suspense in the cartoon. Nine times out of ten, Milo or Peggy ends up saving him, but this episode in particular was kind enough to not have that happen. We even get to see the mask dramatically fall onto the grassy lawn, a perfect set up for our next commercial break. Could this be the end of our Masked Wonder?<br />
<br />
Spoiler alert, but no. This is not the end of The Mask. But you already knew that.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qug1bj3xd1w/TtMsuq1SYPI/AAAAAAAADGI/rm2ofk5ajSo/s1600/maskaugratin27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qug1bj3xd1w/TtMsuq1SYPI/AAAAAAAADGI/rm2ofk5ajSo/s320/maskaugratin27.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey Stanley, say cheese!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But before we actually see some commercials, Gorgonzola loots Stanley, like any good World of Warcraft player that discovers a fallen corpse would, and finds tickets to the football stadium. She then gets an idea for her next evil scheme, because apparently, up until now, she was just going to wander around aimlessly and turning things to cheese with her eyes. I like how this villainess just plain doesn't have a set goal in mind beyond "make humanity miserable because my sister was mean to me four thousand years ago". Her only motivation is hatred for her people who don't have cheese laser eyes. <br />
<br />
...as you might have already guessed, but this is the episode equivalent of a Salvador Dali painting. But instead of melting clocks, it's melting cheese wedges. <br />
<br />
And I wonder how many times the word "cheese" appears in this blog post. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3OMS2N3MFIc/TtMsu-rKi_I/AAAAAAAADGQ/zLectjJdv58/s1600/maskaugratin28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3OMS2N3MFIc/TtMsu-rKi_I/AAAAAAAADGQ/zLectjJdv58/s320/maskaugratin28.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
One commercial break later (I like to imagine that, if I watched this when this first aired, I would've seen an N64 ad), and we get one of the weirdest things to save The Mask <i>ever</i>, something that will make you wish that he was saved by his amazing, superintelligent dog. What happens is some kids (including that green-haired kid from earlier) find The Mask on the ground and just happen to get the grand idea to put the mask on a cheese statue. <br />
<br />
...yes. Two teenagers walk up to a wooden mask, and then randomly decide, through a very bizarre, unsettling train of thought, to put it on a human statue made out of cheese. <i>This is what saves Stanley.</i> Did the writers just run out of ideas? Because this is the weirdest cop-out I've ever seen in a cartoon. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GSjbH1G0FIo/TtMsvNmlnSI/AAAAAAAADGY/_YzeT0pcHvM/s1600/maskaugratin29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GSjbH1G0FIo/TtMsvNmlnSI/AAAAAAAADGY/_YzeT0pcHvM/s320/maskaugratin29.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7i5ZGVl3lJ0/TtMsvqPR3nI/AAAAAAAADGg/LKhQciHOEh4/s1600/maskaugratin30.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7i5ZGVl3lJ0/TtMsvqPR3nI/AAAAAAAADGg/LKhQciHOEh4/s320/maskaugratin30.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh yeah, this makes perfect sense. I do this all the time!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With that strange string of coincidences bringing The Mask back into the game, we can finally get into this cheesy calcium-rich climax. At a football stadium. Apparently human beings wrote this script, but at this point, I'm having trouble believing that. No mortal hands touched this episode, I'm sure.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DhAiNQZef2w/TtM0WGMmrUI/AAAAAAAADGo/nddUmaeC15U/s1600/maskaugratin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DhAiNQZef2w/TtM0WGMmrUI/AAAAAAAADGo/nddUmaeC15U/s320/maskaugratin.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And the people in the stadium remembered it as the best Halftime show <i>ever</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I do love how oddly polite Gorgonzola is when she enters the stadium with her stolen tickets. She just hands the man his tickets and walks right in. No cheese eye lasers (which, now that I think about it, would give you one<i> hell </i>of an eye infection) or anything. Her face when she does it just totally sells the scene too, like she's seriously considering reducing his body to processed fat and calcium but then deciding against it. <br />
<br />
Incidentally, and this is a bit late in me pointing this out, but Gorgonzola could make millions upon millions of dollars if she used her ability to conjure food completely out of nowhere to good use. Why get revenge on the mortals when you can use your eye lasers to turn trash into cheese, a vegan-friendly, environmentally-friendly cheese that doesn't need factory farms and suffering cattle might I add, therefore ridding America of our swelling landfills and solving world hunger? You'd be hailed as a saint by everybody!<br />
<br />
...no, I guess you're sticking to your revenge plot, Gorgonzola? Fine, <i>be that way. </i><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6dt3m_1PPuk/TtM0WU0nZMI/AAAAAAAADGw/ErrQJBPAC4Y/s1600/maskaugratin1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6dt3m_1PPuk/TtM0WU0nZMI/AAAAAAAADGw/ErrQJBPAC4Y/s320/maskaugratin1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I <i>would</i> turn you into cheese but that would be just a huge waste of my time."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But don't worry, Gorgonzola totally flips her gourd and just makes her way onto the jumbotron and saying the defining quote that's the reason why this episode exists. With a cackle and with hair that would make Jem jealous, she shouts "The last thing you'll ever smell is the sweet stench of my revenge!"<br />
<br />
...at the risk of using a joke that's been done to death, Best. Line. Ever. I'm now going to find a way to use that in everyday conversation, along with "Let's Creepy Crawl!", "Son of a broccoli!", "I hunger for cowabunga!", and "Jawsome!". Pity the people who talk to me, gentle readers. I'm pretty sure I'm just one cheesy catchphrase away from mutating into a cartoon character.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LkCFsnNJjxA/TtM0WoL4hXI/AAAAAAAADG4/B-vOEug3STc/s1600/maskaugratin2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LkCFsnNJjxA/TtM0WoL4hXI/AAAAAAAADG4/B-vOEug3STc/s320/maskaugratin2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Go Green Bay Packers!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So she starts making quick work of the entire stadium by zapping fans, football players, and hot dog vendors alike into cheese. You know the drill, people. At the point, you can just assume she's using her cheese lasers, because Gorgonzola can never think outside the box and do something unique with her powers. Mesopotamian witches are not known for their massive creativity, but hey, if the weapon's reliable and has never failed her so far, then by all means.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-h4MvEh82Oac/TtM0XMDCHLI/AAAAAAAADHA/RICbG-fO9x4/s1600/maskaugratin3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-h4MvEh82Oac/TtM0XMDCHLI/AAAAAAAADHA/RICbG-fO9x4/s320/maskaugratin3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, Gorgonzola just really likes swiss cheese. Why not cheddar or pepperjack for once?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Also, cameo alert. The hot dog seller is the exact same guy who got his shadow stolen in <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/10/mask-animated-series-shadow-of-skillit.html">Shadow of a Skillit.</a> Nothing tickles my heart more than a cartoon that has a very stable sense of continuity, one where you can watch even the minor background characters and get a sense of their day-to-day lives. <br />
<br />
Also man, that cowboy just <i>cannot</i> catch a break. What was this show's beef (or should I say <i>cheese</i>) with cattle wranglers? Why do they hate Texas?<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_9KSLT_hG6c/TtM0XTPVknI/AAAAAAAADHI/Lx-lVfhov4U/s1600/maskaugratin4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_9KSLT_hG6c/TtM0XTPVknI/AAAAAAAADHI/Lx-lVfhov4U/s320/maskaugratin4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yee haw! I'm purty glad I got my shadow back!" *gets turned into cheese*</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Of course, The Mask shows up and we get a frighteningly weird scene where The Mask treats Gorgonzola like a football (yeah, I don't know either, but the cartoon's almost over), because a football stadium can't exist in a 90's cartoon without the ever popular football form of cartoon violence. Without going too much into detail, slapstick ensues, touchdown dances are involved, and the cheese puns all but disappear on account it's incredibly hard to link football to cheese in a joke. Unless you're a fan of the Packers.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Iz-O76KGo6g/TtM0XmZxn9I/AAAAAAAADHQ/f7QnxuIbZVg/s1600/maskaugratin5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Iz-O76KGo6g/TtM0XmZxn9I/AAAAAAAADHQ/f7QnxuIbZVg/s320/maskaugratin5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Finally, after much humiliation (because it wouldn't be a The Mask episode without The Mask making his enemies hate themselves), The Mask finally uses some reverse psychology and tricks <strike>Gruntilda</strike> Gorgonzola into using her cheese lasers in a way that he can quickly bounce them off a lollipop that's really a mirror (don't ask, it's a long story) and reflect them back onto her, thus turning Gorgonzola into a cheese statue. She was hoist by her own petard, if you will.<br />
<br />
...just wondering, but <i>why didn't The Mask do this earlier</i>? She's been spamming those lasers in a way that would make Cyclops blush. You can turn her eye lasers into a fantastic drinking game, even. And yet, even though The Mask had plenty of opportunities to go and do this, he has to wait until <i>after</i> she destroys half the city. What a jerk. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fWGtA9hjED4/TtM0YP2W90I/AAAAAAAADHY/r_18nD7YEZE/s1600/maskaugratin6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fWGtA9hjED4/TtM0YP2W90I/AAAAAAAADHY/r_18nD7YEZE/s320/maskaugratin6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Wensleydale, Gromit!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Then The Mask uses his supernatural powers to actually travel all the way to Mesopotamia and put the amulet back in its tomb, sealing Gorgonzola's soul back into the eternal prison she was in and thus eliminating the cheesy threat. I'm...just going to accept the fact that The Mask can just travel across the globe within several seconds in order to solve a plot point. Because hey, he's <i>The Mask</i>. I'm sure he could find the cure for cancer and AIDS if the reward was getting a trophy at the Coco Bongo.<br />
<br />
...I might as well address the elephant in the room. If Gorgonzola was sealed in her tomb all the way in an ancient tomb in Mesopotamia, <i>how the hell was she able to reappear in Convention of Evil? </i>Part of me figures that Pretorius was just genre-savvy enough to actually travel back to the Mesopotamian tomb and get another host for Gorgonzola (does the host have to be female, or would the transformation work on male bodies too?), but that doesn't excuse the fact that there is now a gaping plot hole in this show's clip show. <br />
<br />
Also, the scene where Gorgonzola gets sealed is kind of creepy if you don't expect it. This cartoon is really light-hearted most of the time, and then you get a screaming ghost crying out in agony just completely out of nowhere. It's kind of chilling if you don't expect it, and kind of makes me feel sorry for Gorgonzola, what with the whole eternal suffering in a horrifying afterlife thing she has going on. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kYKVp-HXhtc/TtM0YeKkX1I/AAAAAAAADHg/3JmtTvGH5s4/s1600/maskaugratin7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kYKVp-HXhtc/TtM0YeKkX1I/AAAAAAAADHg/3JmtTvGH5s4/s320/maskaugratin7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ADcAYdTJluE/TtM0Yo6g5tI/AAAAAAAADHo/bQL0kGNDuMQ/s1600/maskaugratin8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ADcAYdTJluE/TtM0Yo6g5tI/AAAAAAAADHo/bQL0kGNDuMQ/s320/maskaugratin8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mesopotamians also invented the Ghostbusters Eco-Containment Unit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But I can't dwell too long on that cheese witch's eternal damnation at the hands of whatever cruel and malevolent belief system that was in place at the time, the day is saved! We then get to see everything that was turned into cheese revert back to normal, from that policeman at the very beginning to that often-remembered bridge that was also in Convention of Evil. People are restored back to their fleshy states, the cowboy once again gets to live another day (one where he's probably planning to move out of this city, no less) and Jennifer is back to normal. <br />
<br />
Course, the cute moment is ruined once The Mask says that now, in his words, he "gets to play hero with Stanley's girlfriend". Ewww! Don't say things like that out loud!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LiFP9tbTKAk/TtM0Y8UFjUI/AAAAAAAADHw/FejTBZMUOuQ/s1600/maskaugratin9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LiFP9tbTKAk/TtM0Y8UFjUI/AAAAAAAADHw/FejTBZMUOuQ/s320/maskaugratin9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So if a magically-induced split personality steals your girlfriend, <br />
does that really count as having your girlfriend stolen?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And so we finally get our end. Jennifer hints that she wants a three-cheese omelette for breakfast, Stanley and Jennifer are still together, and Mrs. Peenman shows up on that big football scoreboard while carting a shotgun. In other words, all is right with the world.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fkogcIu5fqI/TtM0ZVc8Z5I/AAAAAAAADH4/5a_V5H1lPCM/s1600/maskaugratin10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fkogcIu5fqI/TtM0ZVc8Z5I/AAAAAAAADH4/5a_V5H1lPCM/s320/maskaugratin10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mrs. Peenman is awesome.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>...anyone else in the mood for literally <i>any type of food ever</i> except for cheese? I think I've had enough cheese for the next two months.<br />
<br />
<hr /><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Archaeologists, if there's an inscription on something inside a tomb that mentions transformations and mystical powers, for crying out loud, don't start wearing it like a piece of jewelry. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict<br />
</b><br />
This episode is kind of in the middle for me as far as how it ranks with the rest of The Mask's episodes.<br />
<br />
It's a strong episode, with solid animation, great jokes, and funny moments, but it's not the best. I think part of it is the fact that Gorgonzola really is a one-note villain, especially considering her method of attack is basically spamming lasers all over the place. It's not a terrible episode, and it's actually pretty good as far as my standards go, but I can't see myself watching it again and again, and I can't call myself a Gorgonzola fan. If they played more with the snobby, rude royalty angle like they started to do in Convention of Evil (she was kind of a brat in that episode) and if they gave her a more concrete motivation, <i>maybe</i> she'd be more interesting, but right now, she's just got a gimmick and therefore is hard to use more than once. Which is why it's kind of weird that she was one of the people that appeared in the villain clip show.<br />
<br />
So to put it in one sentence, this episode exists. I neither love it or hate it. It's purely in the "I can watch this and get enjoyment out of it but don't actively seek this episode out" realm. <br />
<br />
...not much more to say about the episode really other than that. That, and how well you like this episode depends on how long you can take cheese pun after cheese pun and whether you can tolerate cartoon cheese texture.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-1343692310272971762011-11-16T23:42:00.000-08:002011-12-09T19:59:03.427-08:00The Batman - The Big DummyOkay, okay, I assume when people said "Something New" in the polls, they expected something within this decade, not something that their parents grew up with. And, to sweeten the deal, it'll even be about superheroes.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G6cegsg9Bc8/TsIVpVAt5rI/AAAAAAAAC34/Bl-4XzQVpTU/s1600/the_batman-show.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G6cegsg9Bc8/TsIVpVAt5rI/AAAAAAAAC34/Bl-4XzQVpTU/s400/the_batman-show.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
Time for me to talk about an often-forgotten section of an incredibly huge franchise, Batman. The Dark Knight is considered one of the most important characters when it comes to superhero cartoons, if only because he's been in so many influential cartoons. I won't get too much into just how powerful his shows were, if only because there are entire websites designed to talk about the impact Batman: The Animated Series has had on animation (ones more coherent and better-written than my blog, might I add) just as there are entire websites designed to talk about how stupid (whether delightfully stupid or just stupid stupid) the 70's Superfriends show is.<br />
<br />
Most Batman cartoons, at least according to Batman fans, fall under one of three categories: Crap that came before Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Animated Series, and Crap that came<i> </i>after<i> </i>Batman: The Animated Series. It's a pretty common fact that Batman hit its cartoony stride in Batman: The Animated Series, and I'm not confident I can tackle that show yet, lest I want people hunting me down for making the wrong joke or saying that the wrong character sucks.<br />
<br />
So, to ruffle the least amount of feathers as possible, I'm choosing a cartoon that's <i>not</i> Batman: The Animated Series (instead I'm going with the Jackie Chan-esque Batman cartoon that came out around 2004) and, to double my protection, I'm going to talk about a character that not many people even notice. <br />
<br />
Yep, instead of talking about The Joker, The Penguin, Poison Ivy, or even Bane (just going to say it right now, but I think Bane is stupid), I'm choosing, well...this guy.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FVHfqjxm7bk/TsIq-oESM3I/AAAAAAAAC4A/lUt00aoGnIs/s1600/ventriloquist.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FVHfqjxm7bk/TsIq-oESM3I/AAAAAAAAC4A/lUt00aoGnIs/s320/ventriloquist.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Seriously a Batman villain.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This character, at least according to my really brief research on the Internet, is like the character that fans can't agree whether he's (or they're) a really awesome or a really stupid idea. Arnold Wesker aka The Ventriloquist and Scarface have appeared on as many Best Batman Villain Lists as Worst Batman Villain Lists. While the Batman nerds can pretty much agree that Crazy Quilt is a stupid idea and that The Joker is full of awesome, no one's really sure if a mentally disturbed middle-aged man who has a murderous personality manifest through his left hand is a good idea or a bad one. Even the writers can't seem to agree, because I've seen just as many Batman stories where this character was played for laughs as there are stories that are really tragic.<br />
<br />
So I'm going to talk about Warner Brother's third most controversial cartoon (because even a Batman made by the creators of Jackie Chan can't reach the level of infamousness that Coconut Fred and Loonatics Unleashed have) for a change, because if there's anyone who can make a strange blend of good and bad mixed into one cartoon, it's Warner Brothers. <br />
<br />
<br />
Let's look at... <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>The Big Dummy</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BSBOzjxLJ-U/TsNwhTzdmVI/AAAAAAAAC5Y/bua204NzFwE/s1600/dummy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="296" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BSBOzjxLJ-U/TsNwhTzdmVI/AAAAAAAAC5Y/bua204NzFwE/s400/dummy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><b><br />
Airdate:</b> November 27, 2004</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: green;">On DVD.</span></div><br />
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Now, before I touch upon this episode, this is a good time to point out that since this episode takes place within the first season, Batman isn't carting around a young ward anywhere. I've noticed quite a few times in Batman cartoons (at least the more recent ones), the first season or two has no Robin or Batgirl, but then inevitably the show gets saddled with one because I guess Batman needs small kids in order to fight the mentally ill.<br />
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And really, we don't need more than one person wailing on this guy, because the cartoon opens with our main villain and he happens to look like <i>this</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T3R2zdIU6Nc/TsK7nr_n5JI/AAAAAAAAC4I/Pu8Yiqf5zwQ/s1600/dummy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="248" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T3R2zdIU6Nc/TsK7nr_n5JI/AAAAAAAAC4I/Pu8Yiqf5zwQ/s320/dummy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Truly the scourge of Gotham City right here.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and our first look into the living quarters of our villain of the day definitely reinforces that saying. I can just smell the wafting scent of loser just coming from this poor man's apartment. It's probably the mattress that makes me think this. I'm sure that poor lump of springs has seen many a night where Wesker was sitting in his underwear eating out of a carton of ice cream while watching reruns of Seinfeld.<br />
<br />
The first thing you'll probably notice about this guy is that he basically looks like the Batman: The Animated Series version, except chubbier and with a less stylish taste in clothing. He's balding, and he's got the bowtie and the glasses, so therefore he's a Wesker. And coming from a show that mostly did its own thing with the other villains, (a quick google search will net you at least 20 pages worth of fans whining about the Riddler redesign) the fact that the Ventriloquist got off pretty much unscathed is notable.<br />
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Anyways, Wesker basically sits in the darkness of his lonely mess of an apartment while waiting for instructions from the ventriloquist puppet hidden underneath a blanket. Nothing strange about that!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pGKFtLsMpxY/TsLXSDv_9EI/AAAAAAAAC4Q/D_T6cd-ICpQ/s1600/dummy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pGKFtLsMpxY/TsLXSDv_9EI/AAAAAAAAC4Q/D_T6cd-ICpQ/s320/dummy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
So we cut to an abandoned construction site, and, like all construction sites in cartoons, people are able to just walk the hell onto the property and do as they please with all the equipment just lying around. In this episode's case, we get to see that two thugs (Rhino and Mugsy, because The Ventriloquist needs to be a threat <i>somehow</i>) are busy loading a giant construction vehicle into the back of Wesker's vehicle. I just love the pick-up truck he's using; I really hope that's seriously what Wesker drives. No wonder he's turned to crime if his stuff is so run-down.<br />
<br />
And no, they never explain how Wesker was able to get hired help. I know villains in these cartoons pretty much <i>have</i> to have thugs in order to give Batman fodder for his fist, especially when they're tubby little middle-aged men like Wesker here, but I have to wonder the hiring process behind that. Can you take out a wanted ad for things like that? <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1fNdXRVvFWY/TsLbE9leg0I/AAAAAAAAC4Y/CTUC4lHWvzw/s1600/dummy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1fNdXRVvFWY/TsLbE9leg0I/AAAAAAAAC4Y/CTUC4lHWvzw/s320/dummy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NgkhXO7oqSo/TsLbFJkeySI/AAAAAAAAC4g/HWu-NFBmDHQ/s1600/dummy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NgkhXO7oqSo/TsLbFJkeySI/AAAAAAAAC4g/HWu-NFBmDHQ/s320/dummy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm kind of new to this whole crime thing. Are we supposed to take the equipment without asking?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>One of the thugs complains about this really unorthodox crime until our chubby villain climbs out of his car, changes his voice, and reveals to both his thugs and the audience that he's not alone. I have to say, this reveal is really creepy even if you know what to expect. Nothing's more unsettling than seeing someone just instantly flip mental gears and suddenly become someone else, even if that someone else happens to be a ventriloquist dummy attached to his arm. Say hello to Scarface, kiddies!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-to9M__umJCA/TsM4NlUoLSI/AAAAAAAAC4w/GVlHdfG35Nw/s1600/dummy5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-to9M__umJCA/TsM4NlUoLSI/AAAAAAAAC4w/GVlHdfG35Nw/s320/dummy5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"SILENCE! I <i>KEEL</i> YOU!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>...yeah, I might as well address the one thing that people hate about this version of this villain. Namely, the choice of design for the Scarface puppet. Instead of being modeled off a 1920's mobster, he's based off the Al Pacino version of Scarface, so he has the sandals, the earrings, the gold medallion, and the leisure suit. To sum it up, he's less gangster and more gangsta. All he needs now is a handgun to hold sideways.<br />
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As for me, I'm fine with this Scarface, even if he does look like Wesker carved him out of the wood of an ugly tree. I find the TAS version works a lot better and is a lot more intimidating (you never really get a sense that <i>this</i> alternate personality will kill you), but after you see the neat stuff they pull with this guy, you end up not caring. If only because the way they animate Wesker being dragged along by his own hand is really flipping hilarious. <br />
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Mugsy complains to Rhino about their new choice in a boss, and then unfortunately drops the D word. And before your mind goes into the gutter, the word was "dummy". Uh oh. Dem's fighting words.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LalkpVaqkgc/TsM4NseDJSI/AAAAAAAAC44/G73kIUv3SOw/s1600/dummy6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LalkpVaqkgc/TsM4NseDJSI/AAAAAAAAC44/G73kIUv3SOw/s320/dummy6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Really, Rhino? <i>This</i> is the best villain that could hire us? We're going to be the <br />
laughing stock of henchmen everywhere!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Scarface is a little angry that someone called him a dummy (even though he uses the word all the time, probably because he reclaimed that word), so he decides to show the thug who's the boss. Imagine if you will a short little bald guy constantly shoving the puppet into some man's face until he falls backwards onto a conveyer belt that leads into some sort of rock-grinding machine. Then picture some terrified criminal screaming that the puppet is the boss in order to avoid getting ground up into little bite-sized wedges. To say it's a really weird scene doesn't go far enough.<br />
<br />
But hey, it effectively sums up the threat level for the Ventriloquist/Scarface duo. Either you find this scene incredibly creepy, especially when Wesker protests what his own hand is doing, or you find it so over-the-top that you can't take either character seriously. Or both; he's psychotic enough that it could really fall into either category.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qI3OgeGwKG4/TsRFcLjcXrI/AAAAAAAAC6Y/zu8Q6Fx5k_k/s1600/dummy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qI3OgeGwKG4/TsRFcLjcXrI/AAAAAAAAC6Y/zu8Q6Fx5k_k/s320/dummy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0DKEuULSJss/TsM4N1rr2nI/AAAAAAAAC5A/aiLiBoAnQfE/s1600/dummy7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0DKEuULSJss/TsM4N1rr2nI/AAAAAAAAC5A/aiLiBoAnQfE/s320/dummy7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is probably one of the most embarrassing ways to get killed in Gotham City. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>So the thugs, now with their pants essentially filled with excrement after their boss went completely nutszoid, continue loading stuff up into Wesker's van while Scarface laments the lack of class among his fellow villain these days. I'm noting this scene because, when he says that, Wesker actually turns his head and shoots his little puppet an incredulous look, as if questioning the idea that a little wooden doll that has to be carried by an overweight man who looks perpetually sad at life can ever be classy.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jYNiNQmrnw4/TsM4Obh2XbI/AAAAAAAAC5I/lFbgAkj6mOo/s1600/dummy8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jYNiNQmrnw4/TsM4Obh2XbI/AAAAAAAAC5I/lFbgAkj6mOo/s320/dummy8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I totally had a chemistry teacher that looked just like this guy. (Wesker, not the puppet)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After that, we finally get our intro. It's a really unnoteworthy, bland intro (it's basically just shots of Batman and various villains against some subtle guitar instrumentals), so I'm going to give it an incredible disservice by not even talking about it and just dive straight into the cartoon. We hear Alfred list off all the stuff that's been stolen recently while doing batlaundry. Welding tools, motion control gyroscopes, and construction equipment have all been pilfered by the stubby, splinter-filled puppet hands of villainy. Alfred says that they don't seem related until Batman uses his powerful detective skills to deduce that someone is using them to build something.<br />
<br />
No, <i>really</i>, Bruce? Nah, I'm pretty sure Wesker is just a hoarder and collects random things because he feels like it.<br />
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Oh, and we find that one of the Batsuits is covered in claw marks, most of them situated around the chest area. My, my, my. Only nine episodes into the show and already Batman's getting his freak on with a lady in cat ears and tight leather. Mee-ow!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wmpPOBywbB4/TsM4OV3qxBI/AAAAAAAAC5Q/-OtExt5tfR8/s1600/dummy9.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wmpPOBywbB4/TsM4OV3qxBI/AAAAAAAAC5Q/-OtExt5tfR8/s320/dummy9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
But then Batman batturns on his batcomputer and we batget possibly one of the more batbizarre batsubplots I've seen batpop up in a Batman batcartoon. (okay, I'll stop)<br />
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Batman is going to try out online dating.<br />
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...DC fans, you may head to the forum closest to you and complain about this. Batman demands it!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-USdGZU5M2IY/TsLbm8tZH4I/AAAAAAAAC4o/LnlG01ZjA0Q/s1600/dummy10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-USdGZU5M2IY/TsLbm8tZH4I/AAAAAAAAC4o/LnlG01ZjA0Q/s320/dummy10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm pretty sure half of the people on that site are supervillains, Batman. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>It turns out that the reason Bruce's screen is being assaulted by these sites is not because his adblock is broken, but because Alfred is concerned about Bruce Wayne and pulled up that website so that Batman can meet a special someone in his life, one that <i>doesn't</i> have a criminal record like most of his love-interests. Alfred even ends up setting up an online dating portfolio for Bruce Wayne (leaving out the fact that he's a billionaire, because nothing's sadder than a billionaire using eHarmony) that says that he drives fast cars, enjoys athletic disputes, and is a night owl. <br />
<br />
...In other words, Alfred basically made an online portfolio that says "I'm Batman Batman Batman. Bonana mana mo Matman." in big flashing red letters, but of course, Gotham just happens to turn a blind eye to clues like this. I mean, geez, it's not like there's a villain whose entire existence is based off of figuring out <i>riddles</i> or anything!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e74F-VemZ_o/TsNxBpU3ANI/AAAAAAAAC5g/QdTu6XM5HeI/s1600/dummy11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e74F-VemZ_o/TsNxBpU3ANI/AAAAAAAAC5g/QdTu6XM5HeI/s320/dummy11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"That's a terrible idea, Alfred. It's almost as bad as the time you tried to make a Facebook page for me."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But let's leave that for a moment and get back to our one-man criminal duo and his (their) two henchmen as they enter The Gotham Air and Space Museum. Yeah, turns out Gotham City has a completely unsecure museum full of fully functional, valuable aircraft just waiting to be stolen. Who knew?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QYr_aYjoLMk/TsNxB_MROzI/AAAAAAAAC5o/_kjyL5_qr7o/s1600/dummy12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QYr_aYjoLMk/TsNxB_MROzI/AAAAAAAAC5o/_kjyL5_qr7o/s320/dummy12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Please don't steal the unguarded space shuttles and rockets. Thank you."<br />
-Gotham Air and Space Museum staff</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It is here that we get a little deeper into The Ventriloquist's psychosis and it's a mixture of hilarious, pathetic, and sad. Hilarithetisad if you will. Scarface leads the way, constantly bickering at the dumpy shell of a man constantly looking over his shoulder. He even calls him "Dummy" a lot (using it as a nickname for Wesker, because Batman villains love irony), even though just earlier, he showed that he doesn't like it when people call him that. <br />
<br />
Since the two of them are basically performing a vaudeville ventriloquist act without an audience, Mugsy thinks that the man's totally insane while Rhino just kind of humors him and thinks that Wesker is just essentric because he's a genius. I love how obvious they make the fact that both goons think Wesker's out of his gourd. They're not even hiding their feelings because they're saying this within earshot. I'm sure that fills Wesker with a <i>lot</i> of confidence.<br />
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Also, <i>great security</i>, Gotham Air and Space Museum! It's nice that these men can just walk around and have arguments with each other (or themselves) without any cops showing up. No wonder the supervillains in Gotham have access to so many neat themed vehicles.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--eLCQhONEis/TsNxCAEUWhI/AAAAAAAAC5w/GSssEGBAlqU/s1600/dummy13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--eLCQhONEis/TsNxCAEUWhI/AAAAAAAAC5w/GSssEGBAlqU/s320/dummy13.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
But then it takes the turn for almost heartbreaking when you hear that Wesker really wants to retire to some ranch in either Texas or Montana, "to work the land under clear skies" in his words. He's only really doing this just to get the funding for his retirement (and he only wants one heist too, in order to make sure he doesn't commit <i>too</i> much crime) because, as it turns out later on in the show, he doesn't even have a job.<br />
<br />
So, for those keeping track at home, our villain for the day is an unemployed middle-aged man suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder. He has no friends, he has no money, he has no girlfriend, and he has no family. And, judging from most of his facial expressions in this episode, he <i>knows</i> how pathetic he looks. Arnold Wesker; his life is just one failure after another and if you don't pity him, you have no soul.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EWoKa5RqojQ/TsNxCXYIoZI/AAAAAAAAC54/i9ePA4lUl64/s1600/dummy14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EWoKa5RqojQ/TsNxCXYIoZI/AAAAAAAAC54/i9ePA4lUl64/s320/dummy14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Forget Bruce. <i>Wesker's</i> the one that needs that "Find Someone in Your Area" site.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Scarface just kind of makes a joke to shut him up, which causes him to chuckle and then point to the doll and go "He'll never leave me" in a sad little whisper that just oozes with pathetic. Hah hah, <b>wow</b>. Why so crazy, Arnold. <br />
<br />
And now would be to point out who's doing the voice of our main villain, because I forgot to do so earlier. Who else but <b>Dan Castellaneta</b> (and if you don't know who he is, then <i>shame on you</i>) is voicing Arnold Wesker and Scarface here, and because of this, sometimes in the episode, Wesker ends up sounding like ol' Gil (aka that really desperate salesman who can never sell a car and oftentimes tries to commit suicide) from The Simpsons. You know, just in case you didn't feel bad enough for this guy already, you can now picture him trying to strangle himself with Christmas lights.<br />
<br />
...aaaaand I just made myself feel really bad. Can this episode switch to The Joker please? I feel bad making fun of this guy.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cTjqam4w9EE/TsNxCughqLI/AAAAAAAAC6A/8HWU9Shhj0A/s1600/dummy15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="248" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cTjqam4w9EE/TsNxCughqLI/AAAAAAAAC6A/8HWU9Shhj0A/s320/dummy15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think the only reason he's been alive for so long is because the muggers and serial killers that <br />
infest Gotham City feel that he's way too easy of a target.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But enough depression, because we're moving on. We then we find out just how intelligent they are at their heists by just walking right through a security laser, one that they could just step over. Hey sure, the bright purple laser is just there for show, guys!<br />
<br />
...and seriously, <i>this </i>is the thing that's protecting the incredibly dangerous and valuable aircraft? A single laser? Really? Come on, this would be ridiculous if this was just a normal city filled with your basic mugger or crack addict, but this is <i>Gotham City</i> of all places. Like 10% of the population is wearing a mask and committing crime based off a theme. A little more protection should be available in public buildings!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jGP8iUd66sI/TsNxC_I3KcI/AAAAAAAAC6I/d4N67lPHTvQ/s1600/dummy16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jGP8iUd66sI/TsNxC_I3KcI/AAAAAAAAC6I/d4N67lPHTvQ/s320/dummy16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">According to this cartoon, my college's dining hall has more security than an Air and Space Museum. What.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And while this is going on, Batman is looking up girls on an online dating service. He was quick too, because he already found a suitable female named Becky. She's a psychologist, but more importantly, she has pink hair! Therefore, she's perfect for the task of getting to know the real Bruce Wayne.<br />
<br />
And judging by how generic her design is, she's never going to appear in this show ever again, making this whole online dating plot pointless from the start. Poor girl. She doesn't know how close she got to dating the goddamn <i>Batman</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rxtZ87Cdqa0/TsNxDNEqAwI/AAAAAAAAC6Q/pi11ipcY4jg/s1600/dummy17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rxtZ87Cdqa0/TsNxDNEqAwI/AAAAAAAAC6Q/pi11ipcY4jg/s320/dummy17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hello. I like sunset walks, going to the movies, and dressing up in tight leather costumes <br />
and fighting people with mental disorders."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then the Bat Alarm goes off and Batman, with a "looks like I already have a date" line (which is either really cool or really cliche and lame; my brain's still having trouble deciding), hops into his obviously CGIed car, and takes off like a bat outta hell, leaving a Tron-like trail of blue glowy stuff in his wake. Interesting take on the Batmobile, cartoon. I'm not sure if this means the car's running on some sort of magical space fuel or not. Maybe it's me, but I'm not sure if having an easily traceable trail emit from the car is really such a good idea for a superhero who will constantly be pursued in nutcases who aren't above using lethal force to eliminate their bat-themed enemies. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-56T5SvIyJJ0/TsTQ3iHvsqI/AAAAAAAAC6g/XF7Q6L-tQLA/s1600/dummy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-56T5SvIyJJ0/TsTQ3iHvsqI/AAAAAAAAC6g/XF7Q6L-tQLA/s320/dummy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Batman drives with his high-beams on during the daytime? His battery's going to be so drained...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Back at the Air Space and Easily Stolen Stuff Museum, Mugsy just won't stop it with the complaints (and trust me, he's going to keep on complaining for the rest of the episode; no wonder he wasn't hired by a more threatening villain with that attitude), because now he's wondering how this junk is supposed to make them rich. Geez, man. Have a little faith in the balding man with the multiple personalities and the sweater vest. It's sure to pay off.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FznoxQGfda8/TsTQ3-CIJmI/AAAAAAAAC6o/wx96pxMF9GI/s1600/dummy2.4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FznoxQGfda8/TsTQ3-CIJmI/AAAAAAAAC6o/wx96pxMF9GI/s320/dummy2.4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Seriously, Rhino. How did it lead to this? Even jacking car radios had more dignity."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Suddenly, The Man of Bat shows up (choosing his patented method of jumping down from the ceiling and making a snarky remark based on what's happening), and he shows off his incredibly long cloak. Not even sure why it's this long in this one scene. I guess Batman has a feature in his costume that allows for an adjustable length in order to set the right mood.<br />
<br />
Anyways, you know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. With Batman here, it's time to commence the fight scene!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fziMIhQu-IY/TsTQ4GrVd0I/AAAAAAAAC6w/EQD1DrJQpMU/s1600/dummy2.5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fziMIhQu-IY/TsTQ4GrVd0I/AAAAAAAAC6w/EQD1DrJQpMU/s320/dummy2.5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm pretty sure if that cloak was that long normally, his archnemesis would be doors, not The Joker.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Okay, at the risk of saying that there's an aspect of this cartoon that's better than Batman: The Animated Series, the fight scenes in The Batman are really, really good. When someone throws a punch or lands something, you can really feel the weight. The timing is just amazing and, watching Batman take on Rhino and Mugsy, I can't find a single point where the fight felt dull.<br />
<br />
I think the only real problem I have with this fight scene is the gratuitous use of property damage. Rhino freaking tosses a fighter jet model at Batman, and Batman goes and damages a large portion of the building in order to hit one of the thugs with something hanging from the ceiling. Geez man, maybe the reason there's so much crime in Gotham is because you keep wrecking all the public areas of interest and destroying thousands of dollars of equipment, <i>Batman</i>. What, you're going to pick a fight in a museum and start using the paintings as weapons too?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rjnYbBdxDy8/TsTQ4R4nKqI/AAAAAAAAC64/4A9GA36fNwQ/s1600/dummy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rjnYbBdxDy8/TsTQ4R4nKqI/AAAAAAAAC64/4A9GA36fNwQ/s320/dummy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
But believe me, my friends, because it gets even better. Because The Ventriloquist (or rather Scarface; remember who's leading who here) decides to join the fun. This scene is pure magic, because this is when Batman gets his first look at this themed villain, this mastermind behind the thefts that have been taking place lately. Needless to say, his (or their) first impression is not their best by any means, what with the dummy slapping him in the face after uttering the often-quoted "say hello to my little friend" Scarface line while Wesker just kind of stands back and awkwardly smiles. Pure gold right here.<br />
<br />
And I might as well address the elephant in the room. Yes, they toned down Scarface <i>a lot </i>for this cartoon, and that includes the distinct lack of both mafia ties and a tommy gun. Scarface in The Batman is just a greedy little jerk that likes money. I'm totally allowing this though, because I deprive a lot of entertainment from seeing a villain <i>this</i> ineffective at hurting Batman while remaining good-humored about it. This is the man Killer Moth likes to hang out with in order to make himself look better by sheer comparison. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TWUkMWZoVRs/TsTQ4_oJCAI/AAAAAAAAC68/UJ8OfPkofIg/s1600/dummy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TWUkMWZoVRs/TsTQ4_oJCAI/AAAAAAAAC68/UJ8OfPkofIg/s320/dummy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KrfbaiBWO7o/TsTQ5Flf0jI/AAAAAAAAC7E/O0CWzLP8BVU/s1600/dummy5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KrfbaiBWO7o/TsTQ5Flf0jI/AAAAAAAAC7E/O0CWzLP8BVU/s320/dummy5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Please don't kill me, scary bat person."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oddly, this puppet-slapping scene does serve a purpose, because Batman is so distracted by the amount of sheer fail coming from Wesker that Rhino was able to gain the upper hand and slam right into him. And, through the use of coincidence and conveniently placed objects (this is why you don't go around throwing airplane parts willy-nilly, Batman!) the goons can use in order to restrain Batman, this looks like it could be the end of our caped crusader. And we won't even find out what happens until after the commercial break! Dun dun dunnnn...<br />
<br />
I just wish they didn't do a CGI plane. It's incredibly jarring when paired up with the 2D characters. Because all I can picture is unfinished animation where everyone is reacting to something that only exists in their imaginations. Sort of like how one of the people in their group happens to be talking to a puppet as if they're an actual person. <i>Right,</i> Wesker?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7mP0AgxaYKk/TsTQ5W2pKKI/AAAAAAAAC7M/QDY3XNbuH68/s1600/dummy6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="229" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7mP0AgxaYKk/TsTQ5W2pKKI/AAAAAAAAC7M/QDY3XNbuH68/s320/dummy6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Before the special effects were put in, they were reacting in fear to a tennis ball on a string.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>One commercial break later, and, since Wesker and Scarface fell for the oldest cliche in the book in that they turned their backs and walked away while the hero was in peril (in fairness to Wesker, he's kind of bad at this whole being evil thing), we find that Batman is able to save himself through the use of his handy-dandy <strike>notebook</strike> utility belt. The belt tends to come up a ton in the show and is a common complaint, because a lot of Batman fans felt that the utility belt was way too deux-ex-machina-y.<br />
<br />
...it sort of is, actually. But then again, I've seen an episode of Batman: the Animated Series where, out of the blue, Batman knows ventriloquism. Geez, man. Why is it that cartoon characters just know how to throw their voices? I'm kind of jealous now.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9TGfarepeXM/TsTQ5iUL1JI/AAAAAAAAC7U/QzDxK69JVPI/s1600/dummy7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9TGfarepeXM/TsTQ5iUL1JI/AAAAAAAAC7U/QzDxK69JVPI/s320/dummy7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now available at your local Target for $10.99 plus tax!</td></tr>
</tbody></table> After his run-in with the "nasty little puppet", Batman decides to use his computer for something other than hitting online dating websites. It turns out, in Gotham City, there's a freaking <i>online ventriloquist puppet directory</i>. Holy bizarrely specific plot point, Batman!<br />
<br />
Although this scene has another purpose besides showing us just what kind of messed up city Gotham happens to be that they need an online ventriloquist puppet directory complete with bios and everything. It also provides ample opportunity for Grade A Alfred snark. While Batman is busy searching through the different dummies, Alfred jokes that the different dolls are clearly smugglers and embezzlers. Considering this town, that wouldn't surprise me at all. At one point, the Batman comics has had two Ventriloquists as well as a living ventriloquist dummy named The Dummy.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LUSp3smAIHg/TsTQ6BF4mXI/AAAAAAAAC7c/2_TjT0CZQdw/s1600/dummy8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LUSp3smAIHg/TsTQ6BF4mXI/AAAAAAAAC7c/2_TjT0CZQdw/s320/dummy8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You're my favorite deputy!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Finally, they manage to find Scarface and we learn some backstory, courtesy of Batman reading off his bio on account Alfred can't read the text himself or something. It turns out Arnold Wesker is a small-time performer and, after the audience booed him off the stage, both ventriloquist and dummy went out and robbed every last person in the audience. This gets elaborated on in a future episode, where we learn that Wesker was once the voice-actor and puppeteer for a children's show and, when he tried to make a ventriloquism act after the show ended, he got rejected and he went crazy. <br />
<br />
I will note that unlike the comic version or the cartoon version, Arnold Wesker gets his Dissociative Identity Disorder late in life, and it's not triggered by some sort of bloody event he witnessed. His parents never get shot in front of him, he was not born into a mafia family, and he certainly never went to prison. He's just a nerd that snapped. Again, really toned down from the comic version, but then again, that would explain why this Wesker will actually have strong emotions when the other ones are repressed to the point of avoidance. Hardcore Ventriloquist fans will balk as such a pussification of such a classic villain, but then again, I'm pretty sure hardcore Ventriloquist fans don't exist. <br />
<br />
I also have a very good question. <i>Why would this be in an online ventriloquist dummy directory?</i> Do ventriloquists report when one of their kind goes completely insane? Why is his bio still up and reporting this? Does this site exist so that parents hiring ventriloquists for their child's birthday parties will be better informed?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NmnMCTgVK2s/TsTQ68d12TI/AAAAAAAAC7o/4eWzIyp9I9k/s1600/dummy9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NmnMCTgVK2s/TsTQ68d12TI/AAAAAAAAC7o/4eWzIyp9I9k/s320/dummy9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Karate experts love to drink kara-tea! ....Uh, I guess everyone's heard that one..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then this is interrupted by Batman getting a chat request. Oh dear. I can feel a disturbance in the Force, <span class="st">as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced, on account they found the DC Forums and ranted about this to their fellow peers.</span><br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bmocwVzoU0g/TsTQ7CQg8gI/AAAAAAAAC7w/DLC4H-yX_xs/s1600/dummy10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bmocwVzoU0g/TsTQ7CQg8gI/AAAAAAAAC7w/DLC4H-yX_xs/s320/dummy10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I gave myself eye strain trying to read the text on Batman's computer.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While Batman is loling and rofling it up with a woman with pink hair, we find an abandoned warehouse (because no superhero cartoon would be complete without one) where The Ventriloquist is clearly putting the parts to good use for his, or rather, Scarface's evil plan. We hear the distinct sound of a fat man welding airplane parts while Thing 1 and Thing 2 just kind of hang back and eat sandwiches and drink water. I guess Wesker disapproves of drinking on the job and makes sure his workplace of <i>eeeevil </i>is a sober one. <br />
<br />
...although that makes me question one thing. Was Wesker doing the welding with his right hand, or was he seriously doing some amazing puppeteering behind that closed door and made the doll hold the welding torch? Scarface also gets a welding mask so that's why I'm asking.<br />
<br />
And how does a retired children's puppeteer even know how to arc weld? <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uAbDv9O-HXA/TsTQ7VJp4xI/AAAAAAAAC74/p3Ntd83mFU8/s1600/dummy11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uAbDv9O-HXA/TsTQ7VJp4xI/AAAAAAAAC74/p3Ntd83mFU8/s320/dummy11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No, I'm sure Jim Henson used to do this a lot in his spare time.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>We then see just why Rhino likes working with this mentally disturbed individual. He actually tricks Wesker into making Scarface give out his great plan while drinking a glass of water, inadvertently creating a really good ventriloquist act. Rhino even claps. <br />
<br />
I love that they really play around with the fact that Wesker is, in fact, a very talented ventriloquist in this show. Gags like this really do wonders to flesh out this character. It's a shame Scarface is so ugly. I can't be the only one who thinks he looks a little like a diseased monkey. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bkvFu2pI48I/TsWS6vTvgzI/AAAAAAAAC8Q/HRoKbT_PeRc/s1600/dummy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bkvFu2pI48I/TsWS6vTvgzI/AAAAAAAAC8Q/HRoKbT_PeRc/s320/dummy.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Maybe his act would've been more successful if the puppet wasn't so repulsive.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anyways, the dummy and his fat dummy need one more part before they can pull the biggest heist in Gotham history. Big words from something made out of wood and felt.<br />
<br />
Oh, and Batman has a date with Becky at the cafe, and Alfred's happy that finally, Bruce is letting a special someone in his life get to know the real him. Maybe they'll get married and have lots and lots of babies, even! I'm totally sure his job at being Batman isn't going to interfere with his date, right? <br />
<br />
...yeah, who am I fooling. We all know the outcome of this plot. Bruce isn't going to get laid tonight.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-W-ui6XTHXXc/TsWS64GtyfI/AAAAAAAAC8Y/SCdqh8VPPFM/s1600/dummy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-W-ui6XTHXXc/TsWS64GtyfI/AAAAAAAAC8Y/SCdqh8VPPFM/s320/dummy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not with that pointy chin, anyway.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But we can't dwell on Bruce's love life for too long, because a computer factory just got broken into! I guess, like airplane parts, really powerful computer chips are also not heavily guarded. <br />
<br />
And man, it must be a slow day for crime if the most notable thing that's happening is <i>this</i>. I guess it's Joker's day off. I bet right now Gotham's breathing a sigh in relief that the worst they have to contend with tonight is some man in a bowtie and thick glasses. Every part that gets stolen is not a boat that gets blown up.<br />
<br />
Also, I just noticed that in this entire episode, not once is Arnold Wesker is actually referred to as The Ventriloquist. They instead choose to refer to him as simply "Wesker". Before his other episode called him that, Batman fans worried that the reason they omitted his title is because they thought "ventriloquist" was too big of a word for the kiddies to understand. Please, back in my day, our cartoons made jokes about The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and expected us to totally get it.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5Fv95lWeMyk/TsWS7JCUI-I/AAAAAAAAC8g/cjhuPm9nmts/s1600/dummy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5Fv95lWeMyk/TsWS7JCUI-I/AAAAAAAAC8g/cjhuPm9nmts/s320/dummy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No, not the iPhone factory!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anyways, ignoring Gotham's incredibly lax security for a moment here. There's a great piece of animation where it's just Wesker and Scarface trying to locate the part they need. The best parts of this episode are just watching this poor lonely, sick-in-the-head man interact with himself while alone, because it just speaks volumes on his insanity that he's being bossed around by his own left hand. Plus watching a man get yanked around by his own arm like a rag doll just defies words. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-D6OPGrDleKM/TsWS7YKCcmI/AAAAAAAAC8o/tZGXFYIjCWo/s1600/dummy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-D6OPGrDleKM/TsWS7YKCcmI/AAAAAAAAC8o/tZGXFYIjCWo/s320/dummy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EV72PentYgE/TsWS7sk9jvI/AAAAAAAAC8w/HtsTZLcXnJg/s1600/dummy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EV72PentYgE/TsWS7sk9jvI/AAAAAAAAC8w/HtsTZLcXnJg/s320/dummy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
After some slapstick (which, all things considered, would probably be very successful as a comedy routine, provided the audience doesn't know Wesker's not acting), they locate the motherboard. Quickly, Chubby McLonelyMan stuffs it into his shirt, because he thought very wisely that Batman would never conduct a strip search. Batman may be the World's Greatest Detective, but he's certainly not going to stuff his hand down Wesker's shirt.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z10ww_k2N-4/TsWS74pTyBI/AAAAAAAAC84/bHyetZQLLoE/s1600/dummy5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z10ww_k2N-4/TsWS74pTyBI/AAAAAAAAC84/bHyetZQLLoE/s320/dummy5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Criminal masterminds.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While they leave, the sad, washed-up puppeteer starts talking to his little puppet boss that they're one heist away from retirement and "the clean, honest work of a cowboy". You know, because I've gone a whole minute without feeling bad for Wesker. Aww, geez, it sucks that deep down, all this man wants is a pony. At this point, I'm ready for Batman to just give him a lollipop and send him on his merry way so that he can punch an<i> actual </i>villain instead.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, Batman found them, and let's them know in a Pre-Asskicking Line that Gotham Penitentiary has a thriving retirement community. Yes, Batman, but is the jail in Texas or Montana?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ivLwU9vl3mk/TsWS8cgUwrI/AAAAAAAAC9A/TLUd1FZGAsI/s1600/dummy6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ivLwU9vl3mk/TsWS8cgUwrI/AAAAAAAAC9A/TLUd1FZGAsI/s320/dummy6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I highly doubt Wesker could stay on a rocking horse, let alone a real one.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>What comes next is a scene, a beautiful glowing gem of a magical scene, that I like to call "The Doughy Nerd gets Beat Up By Batman Scene". <br />
<br />
Want to know why I call it that? I'll give you three hints. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-23-c6zM_aYM/TsWS88VGsxI/AAAAAAAAC9Q/QF-08ZbxyCk/s1600/dummy8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-23-c6zM_aYM/TsWS88VGsxI/AAAAAAAAC9Q/QF-08ZbxyCk/s320/dummy8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_0Mjw8v9TvM/TsWS9Cnyi_I/AAAAAAAAC9Y/dSZJSKz2ToQ/s1600/dummy9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_0Mjw8v9TvM/TsWS9Cnyi_I/AAAAAAAAC9Y/dSZJSKz2ToQ/s320/dummy9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zslf5l-LU70/TsWS9XnIPPI/AAAAAAAAC9g/nXqauaM-hho/s1600/dummy11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zslf5l-LU70/TsWS9XnIPPI/AAAAAAAAC9g/nXqauaM-hho/s320/dummy11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sock! Pow! Bam! Bif! Zok!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>You know, I think I've just inadvertently discovered the greatest Batman scene in the history of <i>everything</i>. If this doesn't convince you that The Ventriloquist is an awesome character, nothing will. He represents what would happen if we honestly tried to get into supervillainy, for he is a flabby nerd who spends his time locked indoors while reading books and has no business trying to fight Batman.<br />
<br />
And honestly, I have to wonder if the reason the camera's focusing so much on Wesker is because, right now, Batman's doubled over in laughter and can barely breathe.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cBuQPPuj2lM/TsWS9i6k3cI/AAAAAAAAC9o/EOVJfJs5b58/s1600/dummy12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cBuQPPuj2lM/TsWS9i6k3cI/AAAAAAAAC9o/EOVJfJs5b58/s320/dummy12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's always picked last for Arkham Asylum baseball teams.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>During this massacre of nerdiness, the computer parts factory gets switched on (because Batman is nice enough to slam the dork into the big, obvious buttons), the thugs are alerted to the fact that their boss is getting punched in the face by the dark knight, and I end up taping this entire scene and framing it on my wall. It's just pure beauty. I could never understand how people could praise the most obscure episode in Batman: The Animated Series and yet let this episode go ignored.<br />
<br />
But moving on. Batman is through kidding around (because punching a man in the face and making him smack face first into a wall is "kidding around") and wants Wesker to give up the whole "I'm being bossed around by a ventriloquist dummy" thing. But there's just one problem, Bats. It's no act.<br />
<br />
His face expression when he discovers how insane this geek is really says it all. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ICZmBLnw-Ok/TsWS9sFMjyI/AAAAAAAAC9w/nN8rK6Ziizw/s1600/dummy13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ICZmBLnw-Ok/TsWS9sFMjyI/AAAAAAAAC9w/nN8rK6Ziizw/s320/dummy13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"What's wrong with this city...?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So then Batman, now knowing exactly what he's dealing with here, decides to perform an act of mercy and snatches the doll away from Wesker. He even says "Consider this therapy", because if there's one thing I learned in Psychology, it's that you can just fix these mental problems immediately. I'm sure his split personality will just submerge once you remove the doll. <br />
<br />
Yeah, Batman? Anybody who's even slightly familiar with this character knows that this isn't a good idea. Hell, in Batman: The Animated Series, when this happened, The Ventriloquist pulled out a stuffed thylacine and used it as a club against Catwoman. (and yes, this happened, check your DVDs if you don't believe me) You don't touch the puppet under any circumstances.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yF-TikRfi3I/TsWS-BsucPI/AAAAAAAAC94/de5ZE5o2Kik/s1600/dummy14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yF-TikRfi3I/TsWS-BsucPI/AAAAAAAAC94/de5ZE5o2Kik/s320/dummy14.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ipXbPkTGNP4/TsWS-Z97fkI/AAAAAAAAC-A/VXfwSFN1H3U/s1600/dummy15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ipXbPkTGNP4/TsWS-Z97fkI/AAAAAAAAC-A/VXfwSFN1H3U/s320/dummy15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Batman just has an irrational hatred of bald people.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>As expected, Wesker just flips the hell out and ends up charging (using "Coming, sir!" as his triumphant battle cry) at a man who dresses up like a bat and regularly fights serial killers to get that stupid doll back, on account the voices in his bald little head instructed him to do so. <br />
<br />
By now, you can probably guess, but seeing The Ventriloquist fight Batman is just about the funniest thing ever. Just look at him! Wesker's a trooper.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KtVe_u9NFE4/TsWS-1qzaKI/AAAAAAAAC-I/pCcHKJnINoM/s1600/dummy16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KtVe_u9NFE4/TsWS-1qzaKI/AAAAAAAAC-I/pCcHKJnINoM/s320/dummy16.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Wmzkbb9XrUY/TsWS_BAusuI/AAAAAAAAC-Q/Mm8jUfAajFE/s1600/dummy17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Wmzkbb9XrUY/TsWS_BAusuI/AAAAAAAAC-Q/Mm8jUfAajFE/s320/dummy17.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v1DkK45KSeU/TsWS_aeRPlI/AAAAAAAAC-Y/UetCuHaVlUs/s1600/dummy18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v1DkK45KSeU/TsWS_aeRPlI/AAAAAAAAC-Y/UetCuHaVlUs/s320/dummy18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">While this is going on, Batman is praying that there's no security cameras recording this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The doll ends up getting flung onto the computer chip conveyer belt thing, and, while Scarface is being damaged, Batman then has to stop a balding man from nearly killing himself. <br />
<br />
...by grabbing onto the seat of his pants. Yeah, it's an awkward scene. Truly this isn't one of Bruce's better days.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-j-XE9cTMXd4/TsWS_ubDH4I/AAAAAAAAC-g/5bPKTfXEeks/s1600/dummy19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-j-XE9cTMXd4/TsWS_ubDH4I/AAAAAAAAC-g/5bPKTfXEeks/s320/dummy19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's high school all over again.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>He's not successful (although honestly, considering the physical training this superhero's been through, he should've totally had enough upper strength to overpower a nerd twice as old as him) because then Rhino and Mugsy show up and actually do their jobs. Hey, <i>thanks</i>, you two! It's not like The Ventriloquist was just getting his ass handed to him just now or anything. Geez, you'd think protecting a soft, pudgy, middle-aged virgin with no superpowers and no weapons would be easy.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eMRWX8ndVR8/TsXL71SwfKI/AAAAAAAAC_E/BrABZnJMQaI/s1600/dummy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eMRWX8ndVR8/TsXL71SwfKI/AAAAAAAAC_E/BrABZnJMQaI/s320/dummy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
While Mugsy and Rhino fight (and lose, as bad guy henchmen are wont to do when faced with men in capes), Wesker manages to escape into the night while towing his now broken, suffering doll. The mirth and hilarity that his scenes once had are now drained, because Scarface is at death's door. There's just something downright heartbreaking about seeing a man clutching an inanimate object to his chest and telling him to hang on, as if the thing is actually dying in his hands. The clincher is the part where Wesker, nearly ready to cry, tells his Muppet reject not to leave him.<br />
<br />
...why do I feel really bad for laughing at his fighting scene all of a sudden?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jWPe65RxOWU/TsXL8M5zVhI/AAAAAAAAC_M/vId6Olm9QTA/s1600/dummy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jWPe65RxOWU/TsXL8M5zVhI/AAAAAAAAC_M/vId6Olm9QTA/s320/dummy1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c-pAZ-U4XQs/TsXMP3qwS5I/AAAAAAAAC_U/EG55YibnrDc/s1600/dummy2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c-pAZ-U4XQs/TsXMP3qwS5I/AAAAAAAAC_U/EG55YibnrDc/s320/dummy2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: The closest thing this man has had to an actual friend.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, while Wesker runs off, Batman interrogates the two henchmen. It turns out the insane little nut is after the gold at the Gotham Federal Reserve and he built something that he can use to break in. Okay, fair enough, but I have a question, Bats. <i>Why didn't you go round up Wesker too?</i> It's not like Rhino and Mugsy can escape while hanging upside down while tied up, and I'm pretty sure you can outrun a little chubby man. How did Wesker escape? They literally give no explanation other than the fact that Batman was busy with the two thugs. Really? Did the utility belt just not have anything that could slow down an overweight failed comedian?<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-809yxZzpe1U/TsXMQFjQOTI/AAAAAAAAC_c/GdXeoCdwzNI/s1600/dummy3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-809yxZzpe1U/TsXMQFjQOTI/AAAAAAAAC_c/GdXeoCdwzNI/s320/dummy3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You guys are seriously cutting into my online dating time."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, okay, what exactly did Wesker build anyway? The man's just a failed children's show puppeteer. I'm sure it's just something simple, one that still makes this show pretty grounded in reality... <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UjFLbyM10Ss/TsXPIOqRVqI/AAAAAAAAC_k/fOEO_hk1qZE/s1600/dummy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UjFLbyM10Ss/TsXPIOqRVqI/AAAAAAAAC_k/fOEO_hk1qZE/s320/dummy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Piloting a giant robot makes me sad."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>...oooor he just went and built himself a giant robot ventriloquist dummy that's carrying him like a dummy. <br />
<br />
Pardon me for asking, but<b> WHAT!? </b><br />
<br />
So yes, a giant robot. Arnold Wesker, aka The Ventriloquist, someone who typically uses mafia-related tools, was able to build a giant robot. As you can imagine, this literally comes flying out of nowhere and the writers totally expect us to roll with it. They want me to just watch this scene where a giant Al Pacino machine carrying a bald man crash into the wall of the federal reserve and just be fine with it. Well, guess what. <i>I'm not.</i><br />
<br />
...at least the workers that day had one hell of a story to tell at dinner time.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EzmJwqEpSZw/TsXQePMN7XI/AAAAAAAAC_s/5AbeOhFquTc/s1600/dummy6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EzmJwqEpSZw/TsXQePMN7XI/AAAAAAAAC_s/5AbeOhFquTc/s320/dummy6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And how is Wesker piloting and voicing that thing? This just raises too many questions.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Scarface the giant robot (I can't believe I wrote that) ends up stealing all the gold in the federal reserve, but I'm sorry. You lost me cartoon. Robot? What!? How? Where? <i>What does that have to do with ventriloquism</i>, other than the really clever role reversal? This is like if Jeff Dunham just started committing crime while riding a giant robot Achmed the Dead Terrorist. It doesn't work that way!<br />
<br />
Unlike me, Batman is completely unfazed by this mechanical monster and doesn't at all find this weird. He even wisely figures out that the thing has a weak point; Wesker. Yeah, Wesker, probably should've built something to protect you; you <i>do</i> look like a big target just sitting there, looking vulnerable and sad.<br />
<br />
So then we get Batman fighting a giant robot that can throw cars and use a medallion as a weapon, all while our loveable sack of pathetic is just kind of clinging on for dear life. How did we get to this, people? I know comic books are a strange medium but daaaamn...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-odB8-bFD_24/TsXe-iKZnNI/AAAAAAAAC_0/ndcrmNzBXgI/s1600/dummy9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-odB8-bFD_24/TsXe-iKZnNI/AAAAAAAAC_0/ndcrmNzBXgI/s320/dummy9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What the hell am I even watching anymore?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>They end up on the rails of a train (don't question it, everything's tasting like purple now), and it looks like this is going to be the end of Batman. Man, he never thought it would end like this. Getting squeezed to death by Al Pacino as a robot while a failed children's show puppeteer looks on in fear. Just think of how much of a disappointment it would be to the more prominent villains if Batman ended up dying this way. <br />
<br />
I love how Arnold Wesker managed to not fall off in this chaos. Like a beanbag filled with depression, he sits in place, reacting to the horrors taking place in front of him. I also like how not once did Scarface use him as some sort of human club. I'm sure it was tempting, all things considered.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BGQiSzL4kZM/TsXe-hMxvyI/AAAAAAAAC_8/e888t6F9HZQ/s1600/dummy10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BGQiSzL4kZM/TsXe-hMxvyI/AAAAAAAAC_8/e888t6F9HZQ/s320/dummy10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Clearly Wesker is related to Dr. Wily if he can make a robot that complex.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Course, things turn sour when Scarface brags that he's going to rob the hell out of every bank in Gotham, which ticks off Wesker and his thick glasses of nerdiness, because he just wanted <i>one</i> heist before getting a ranch. The animators totally approach this scene without realizing how insane this entire situation this is and man do I love it. For crying out loud, it's a man shaking his fist at a giant gangster-styled robot that he himself is controlling and voicing, and they're having an argument about retiring to Montana. At some point in the cartoon, I have to keep checking to make sure I'm still, in fact, watching The Batman and not just having a weird acid flashback.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N18Iz_8esxI/TsXe_Inm5UI/AAAAAAAADAE/5dz8q98Bnv8/s1600/dummy12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N18Iz_8esxI/TsXe_Inm5UI/AAAAAAAADAE/5dz8q98Bnv8/s320/dummy12.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q0MaDzmyDEE/TsXe_HdZkbI/AAAAAAAADAM/HebLLusswvQ/s1600/dummy13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q0MaDzmyDEE/TsXe_HdZkbI/AAAAAAAADAM/HebLLusswvQ/s320/dummy13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I brought you into this world, and I can take you right out!"<br />
"Shaddup! You're not my real father!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While they're having a lover's spat, Batman throws some acid (which he happens to have in his utility belt, meaning that thing's saved him <i>twice</i> in this episode alone) onto the robot's face, which makes it step into the path of an incoming train made out of obvious CGI. Thank god for public transport! It's going to save the day this episode!<br />
<br />
...also, <i>way to not stop</i>, train engineer. I know trains take a lot longer to stop than a car, but it's not like the giant rampaging gangsta was hard to spot or anything. He didn't even hit the brakes. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sPv9Jw4BWVU/TsXe_QOaPMI/AAAAAAAADAU/OlIR09_CO3c/s1600/dummy14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sPv9Jw4BWVU/TsXe_QOaPMI/AAAAAAAADAU/OlIR09_CO3c/s320/dummy14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love how trains always show up when the plot calls for them. I wish the buses down here were that efficient.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Batman's job isn't over, because he has to stop The Ventriloquist from running out onto the tracks in order to help his giant robot after being instructed by the angry Krusty the Clown voices in his head.<br />
<br />
...yeah, I'm not sure what I just wrote so just bear with me here. It's kind of a running theme in The Ventriloquist's episodes that the damsel in distress is Wesker himself. Our loveable little sack of pathetic should be thankful that Batman didn't just let his ass get run over just to teach him a lesson.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1r1VUKu0PaA/TsXe_gssk5I/AAAAAAAADAc/FvWLFbykrnM/s1600/dummy15.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1r1VUKu0PaA/TsXe_gssk5I/AAAAAAAADAc/FvWLFbykrnM/s320/dummy15.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Meanwhile, the train driven by the world's most oblivious driver runs right into the robot (with Wesker's head hearing one final "Dummy!" before Scarface gets demolished), completely destroying it and causing gold bars to rain from the heavens.<br />
<br />
...okay, several things. One, how was that train not totaled? It just ran into a pretty solidly built robot filled with tons of gold and yet managed to just keep on driving on its merry way. Two, <i>good job</i>, Batman, because all of those gold bars that Scarface just robbed from the federal reserve are now littering the streets of Gotham unprotected. Unless clean-up is very efficient in Gotham City, you know some thief is going to make off with a couple bars.<br />
<br />
And three, how is it that these two can be this close to an explosion and escape unscathed? How did they not suffer a concussion from any falling gold bars?<i> Explain</i>, cartoon!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cpnTOAykGj8/TsXiWXUJNnI/AAAAAAAADA8/5QQHwYeSocI/s1600/dummy16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cpnTOAykGj8/TsXiWXUJNnI/AAAAAAAADA8/5QQHwYeSocI/s320/dummy16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trains were his one weakness.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Wesker is really sad, though, because now he's all alone and his bald spot is taking over his entire head. He whimpers and says that they were going to go to Texas or Montana. Our Dark Knight, standing over the guy and radiating solid waves of pity on account he knows that Wesker's crazy instead of evil, says that we all have places we would rather be.<br />
<br />
...so subtly, Batman is blaming the fact that he missed his date with Becky on Wesker's mental disorder. Harsh.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Fwc240UEd4Y/TsXfTOb1x_I/AAAAAAAADAk/IKgeEBd_EMY/s1600/untitled53.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Fwc240UEd4Y/TsXfTOb1x_I/AAAAAAAADAk/IKgeEBd_EMY/s320/untitled53.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You'd better be ashamed. Thanks to your crippling dementia, I couldn't go out with someone I met online!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, closure in terms of that online dating. Alfred informs the woman with pink hair (after she mistakes him for her date of course) that her real date can't show up, on account he's married to his work. I feel sort of bad for this girl, if only because they focus a great amount of time on the fact that she was waiting there for who knows how long, constantly searching the crowds for a glimpse of the man she shared such heartfelt text messages with. Poor girl. <br />
<br />
You know what Batman should've done? Hooked her up with Wesker. That probably would've cheered the little screwball right up and the psychologist would've had someone to share an iced tea with. Then everybody wins!<br />
<br />
...except for Scarface. Because he got hit by a train.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jNyQ00kQ1kg/TsXfTQCf_3I/AAAAAAAADAs/JMWndGbeuIQ/s1600/untitled54.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jNyQ00kQ1kg/TsXfTQCf_3I/AAAAAAAADAs/JMWndGbeuIQ/s320/untitled54.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yeah, your date couldn't show up because he was busy fighting a mentally ill man <br />
and his giant robot. I love your hair!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And while she leaves, we see Batman standing on top of a building, watching this entire event take place while he's cloaked by the shadows of the crime-infested festering sore that is Gotham City.<br />
<br />
...uh, deep? I mean, geez, he only knew her for like a day or two. I'm sure he could find another girl on that website just as easily. Don't give up hope yet, Bruce!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uXaMnnCuFsk/TsXfX-TH2MI/AAAAAAAADA0/3DoNaVKObBY/s1600/untitled55.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uXaMnnCuFsk/TsXfX-TH2MI/AAAAAAAADA0/3DoNaVKObBY/s320/untitled55.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I love this job more than I love taffy. And I'm a man who loves his taffy."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, that's pretty much The Batman, aka one of the Batman cartoons that was not Batman: The Animated Series. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bank to rob with my giant robot I built in my garage.<br />
<br />
<hr /><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
Ventriloquists are crazy and are able to build giant robots. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict<br />
</b><br />
Yep, this is not Batman: The Animated Series. But for what it's worth, this is a really good episode.<br />
<br />
I think the main thing that will effect whether or not you enjoy this episode is whether or not you like The Ventriloquist, even if his portrayal in this episode is really strong and, in my opinion, full of some really powerful acting. This episode does a great job at introducing the concept of this character and you can really feel this man's pain in his voice work. And, oddly, it was the Batman sections with the online dating that ended up being the parts that dragged. Wesker was puppeeteering this entire episode from the get-go.<br />
<br />
This was no "Read My Lips" though (the introductory episode to The Ventriloquist in Batman: The Animated Series), especially when it came to the climax. Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to deduct points for the random robot that just appears <i>completely out of nowhere</i>. But I can understand why they used it, since by himself, Ventriloquist doesn't offer much in the way of firepower. He's more of a "stay on the sidelines and let the hired help do the talking" kind of guy. Especially now that his puppet no longer carries a gun. Plus a robot's the surefire way of adding excitement to any cartoon, and the big huge Scarface just using cars as weapons and plowing down buildings was kind of fun to watch. If a little goofy.<br />
<br />
But all in all, it's a really solid episode, and I honestly have no complaints about the liberties they took with this character besides the odd-looking Scarface and the giant robot. They made some big changes, but Wesker ended up being a strong character in his own right. I can even go the extra mile and say that this is one of my favorite portrayals of this character. <br />
<br />
...even if he only appeared in like three episodes in this entire show's run.<br />
<br />
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I'm just as saddened about this as he is. Come on, a man who can make his hair into such epic spikes should really appear in at least five episodes, not three!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-24644351659751370762011-11-12T20:16:00.000-08:002012-01-11T19:35:57.549-08:00Happily Ever After (1993 film) - Part 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I'm so glad that I can share this movie with you. I can't really express this in words, but I'm practically hopping up and down in my seat like a giddy schoolgirl because I get to talk about THIS. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5ra2ZnGAj8/TrziHZ6UosI/AAAAAAAACwk/l2EirmynJek/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y5ra2ZnGAj8/TrziHZ6UosI/AAAAAAAACwk/l2EirmynJek/s400/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="277" /></a></div><i><br />
Aw yeah</i>, Happily Ever After. <br />
<br />
This movie has had a very unlucky past. Originally called "Snow White and The Realm of Doom", it's pretty infamous for being the movie that sent a pretty famous cartoon company, Filmation, into bankruptcy, and for being the subject of a minor legal dispute with Disney on account it's pegged as an unofficial sequel to that particular movie. Finished in 1988 but finally released in theaters in 1993 (a good<b> five</b> years after its completion), it's also known for being a box office bomb (here's how bad it did; it opened on the same weekend as Super Mario Bros. and that movie<i> <b>made eight times more money than this movie</b></i>), a regular appearance in store bargain bins, and just all-around derivative of one of Disney's first animated classics. It's not as derivative as Happily <i>N'Ever </i>After, that terrible CGI film, but it's pretty up there.<br />
<br />
But when I was a kid, I didn't know of any of these things and watched the everliving <i>crap</i> out of this thing. Yes, it's sad that I'm admitting this, but I liked it. Ah, the days when you could just enjoy something without knowing about other people's opinions of it and getting into large flame wars about it. Instead we were free to make our own decisions.<br />
<br />
Disney scholars are going to scoff at me and mock me for my lack of bad taste, but when I was a kid, I loved this movie a lot better than Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. To me, there was no contest. While Disney's Snow White merely had some weird looking evil queen who has to brew a transformation potion in order to turn her into something that could've just used simple costume props, Happily Ever After had dragons, evil sorcerers that shot lasers out of his eyes, a talking bat, a smoking owl, and freaking packs of evil wolves with rhino horns. And while Disney's Snow White just had dwarfs, Happily Ever After had female dwarfs with freaking magic powers that could summon like thunderstorms and crap.<br />
<br />
Yes, my friends. This is basically the tale of Snow White <b>on steroids.</b> And man did I cherish this film for it as a little girl. <br />
<br />
It was only until later that I found out that people are actually supposed to hate this movie, which kind of bummed me out, but maybe the rosy glasses of nostalgia are blinding me and this truly is a turd wrapped in a pretty princess gown. Either way, I'm going to be looking at the strange, messed up world that is...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Happily Ever After</b><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e3Kr_UBWLT0/TtRlXzJetNI/AAAAAAAADII/-33nGSYqhUs/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e3Kr_UBWLT0/TtRlXzJetNI/AAAAAAAADII/-33nGSYqhUs/s400/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><b><br />
Airdate:</b> May 28, 1993 but completed in 1988; it was shelved twice before making it in theaters.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: green;">On DVD<br />
</span></div><br />
<br />
<br />
Before the movie starts, it's actually nice enough to give us a short prologue to bring us up to speed, instead of just throwing us unheeded into the movie and expecting us to figure it out that way. It was a smart move, even though I really doubt that there would be a group of children who'd pick this up and go "Huh? Who's this 'Snow White' that you speak of? And dwarfs? What madness is this!?". After all, this movie is intended to be a sequel to Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, even if Disney will legally deny any connection to this movie due to copyright disputes.<br />
<br />
...and it just hit me. In a way, this movie is a lot like a Disney fanfiction. That's both hilarious and sad.<br />
<br />
By the way, guess who narrates this prologue? <b>Dom DeLuise. </b>Anyone growing up in the 90's knows his voice, and hearing him tell me a cliffnotes version of Snow White in the Seven Dwarfs in rhyme is a pretty surreal experience. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rjyzXX-SFMY/TtRlHXJsSyI/AAAAAAAADIA/3SqQ6MIxQS8/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rjyzXX-SFMY/TtRlHXJsSyI/AAAAAAAADIA/3SqQ6MIxQS8/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey sure, lady. Just burst into our house uninvited. Of course we'll accept it!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It's a very simplistic prologue, with still frames colored in sepia tone flashing in and out of a mirror while Dom is saying things like "Poison is strong, but love stronger still", but I'm not going to lie and say I hate it. It works, I really like the track of music they play, and the art, in its roughness, reminds me of storyboards and therefore makes the art student in me happy. And it's certainly a lot better than <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1llMmlqKYoQ/TjG8ryegIkI/AAAAAAAAAWM/snLhF5y1Sp0/s1600/Felixthecat1.jpg">a CGI Snow White head set against a pitch black void</a>, that's for sure.<br />
<br />
I will point out one thing. Thanks to how condensed this run-through is, the way Mr. DeLuise describes it, it sounds like the Prince was just riding through the forest one day until he found a dead body lying underneath a tree (in this movie, she's not in a glass coffin, because I guess this version's dwarfs are pricks) and decided he's going to suck the corpse's face. And then Snow White wakes up and they immediately plan a wedding. Crazy, but at the same time, pretty close to the original fable. <br />
<br />
Snow White's face when she wakes me up used to make me chuckle when I was little. And it still does today.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-42hw67jc7D4/TtRmf4QuiRI/AAAAAAAADIQ/0d4zYMIG0T4/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-42hw67jc7D4/TtRmf4QuiRI/AAAAAAAADIQ/0d4zYMIG0T4/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Whooooa...what was in that apple....?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>"They rode into the sunset and through green clover, but that isn't the end, no, our story's not over", the voice in the mirror says, and that's when the Filmation name (which kind of makes me sad, considering the history behind their company and this film) and later the title pops and we finally get our movie where...<br />
<br />
...is that a <i>dragon!?</i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4xaZ7xhsDcU/TtRmlAGL8HI/AAAAAAAADIY/PatW4zfO4fM/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4xaZ7xhsDcU/TtRmlAGL8HI/AAAAAAAADIY/PatW4zfO4fM/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Awesomeness.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Yes, the very first thing we see in our Snow White cartoon is a dragon, and a very badass-looking dragon at that with torn wings and everything, swooping around and flying over crops until it flaps its way to a barren location with a castle built in it, all while this scene is set against a really ominous moon. It was around here that my little child brain realized that I wasn't dealing with some sappy, run-of-the-mill Snow White here with cute little singing birds and happy little bunnies. I was dealing with <b>EXTREME</b> Snow White for <i>grownups</i>!<br />
<br />
...even if they could've used another color besides blue here. This is going to be a problem that comes up in this movie more than once, but they really overdo it on the blue.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-g-B2L_Gfi_w/TtRmq8LuAWI/AAAAAAAADIg/QtBOz-SXqr8/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-g-B2L_Gfi_w/TtRmq8LuAWI/AAAAAAAADIg/QtBOz-SXqr8/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This would make an awesome album cover for a power metal band.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Inside this castle, we find that it's crawling with brightly-colored vermin, all celebrating some momentous occasion while they remain blissfully unaware that a giant, hellish dragon is circling the castle in search of flesh to keep its hunger satiated. This is our first real glimpse at the quality of the movie's animation, and it's around the ballpark of "mediocre to sort of okay" range. It's nowhere near Disney quality, but on the other hand, it's not Felix the Cat: The Movie quality (which got laughably bad at times) and it's definitely not He-Man quality, Filmation's most famous product. Everyone will stay on model and there won't be any strange glitches when it comes to the movement. It's passable, which, in Filmation land, is a pretty solid compliment aimed in their direction.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-59EMjdTnCdU/TtRoSc1FuAI/AAAAAAAADIo/jbVsTyKqEc0/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-59EMjdTnCdU/TtRoSc1FuAI/AAAAAAAADIo/jbVsTyKqEc0/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KzWupyitVl4/TtRoTaNaoEI/AAAAAAAADIw/6tzqsw402Ck/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KzWupyitVl4/TtRoTaNaoEI/AAAAAAAADIw/6tzqsw402Ck/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even evil minions love Oktoberfest!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I will say this. The monsters, while they <i>do</i> look like rejects from various platformer videogames, with one of the minions looking like a Kremling straight from Donkey Kong Country and the rats looking like the mooks from Battletoads, are kind of fun to watch. They just have no regard for basic cleanliness, so instead they slop wine everywhere, throw food, crap all over the floor, and just generally make asses of themselves. With these eating habits, these are clearly not forces of good, but the flea-ridden, scummy underbelly of evil. But hey, they sure know how to have a rocking good time.<br />
<br />
And I was always a big fan of the two-headed monster just sitting off to the side chewing on the bone. It's a shame this movie was a big company-destroying box office bomb because I'm always a big fan of crazy monster designs with no recognizable species and I would've loved toys of this thing. Remember this creature, because he (or she, it never talks so I wouldn't know) will appear in the background of several scenes.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JV38iTlxVDE/TtRomWUsU6I/AAAAAAAADI4/g6JrTTuS13U/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JV38iTlxVDE/TtRomWUsU6I/AAAAAAAADI4/g6JrTTuS13U/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The left head is named Om, and the right head is named Nom.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The hideous monsters continue making a mess out of the place when the camera pans over to a very distinct-looking bat and owl. Judging by the fact that they have a unique color palette compared to the rest of the monsters, we've just run into our first main characters. So for those keeping track, in terms of a cast, we have an evil dragon, a smoking owl, and a little purple bat that kind of resembles the Tails from Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Interesting take on the fable. <br />
<br />
The owl, with the voice of Edward Asner (aka Carl, the old man from Up), goes on about how awesome this house-destroying party is, because underneath his feathery exterior is the heart of a frat boy. What's the occasion? The evil queen is dead, the very first plot point that actually makes this film actually have some ties to the original story. Clearly she wasn't too popular with the evil minions.<br />
<br />
Wait, <i>this castle</i> is the same castle of the evil queen from Snow White? You mean to tell me that this is where Snow White was living while her stepmother was consulting the magic mirror and making her wear rags? Oh, of course. Snow White just learned to live with the hideous rats and crocodile and bird mutants while singing to the little doves out in the desolate wasteland of a backyard. Also, wasn't the evil queen like the ruler of a kingdom? Kind of an inconvenient place to rule a kingdom if you're in the middle of nowhere and peasants are like hundreds of miles away.<br />
<br />
In short, <i><b>what the hell, movie</b>?</i> There hasn't even been any dialogue yet and already I'm questioning your logic!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4u6ID8qBFi0/TtRosfKV5cI/AAAAAAAADJA/sdso75SmVNU/s1600/happilyeverafter8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4u6ID8qBFi0/TtRosfKV5cI/AAAAAAAADJA/sdso75SmVNU/s320/happilyeverafter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">José Carioca's lazy brother and his sidekick Fails.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But I digress. Who are these two losers anyways? Well, the giant red owl with the clearly visible smoking problem is named Scowl, and the purple bat is named Batso (and he's voiced by Frank Welker; just noting this for completion) because no one making this movie could think of a better bat pun. A big theme that runs with them is that Scowl is trying to teach Batso how to be bad, and Batso is trying to convince Scowl to quit smoking, something that's going to be one of our hamfisted morals for this cartoon. It's a setup that makes it into many animated features; the two minions where one is a big loudmouth wise guy and the other is the meek, quiet type who gets pushed around but seems to have more common sense.<br />
<br />
And again, they never explain why the evil queen has an intelligent owl with a bat sidekick. We just assume they're there because she's eeeeeeeevil with a capital E. Or, being winged vermin, they found an abandoned castle filled with stores of food and just moved right in. I bet Batso alone has like a nest of babies hiding in the basement.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zXlWEvusX5U/TtRo1sAkKXI/AAAAAAAADJI/36RBIZkKxAE/s1600/happilyeverafter9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zXlWEvusX5U/TtRo1sAkKXI/AAAAAAAADJI/36RBIZkKxAE/s320/happilyeverafter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WUDZHGWBO6A/TtRo2IfssGI/AAAAAAAADJQ/ZCU-QX6sUNM/s1600/happilyeverafter10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WUDZHGWBO6A/TtRo2IfssGI/AAAAAAAADJQ/ZCU-QX6sUNM/s320/happilyeverafter10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And it was around here that Scowl realized that he was higher on the food chain...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Depending on how kind you want to be, this duo is either really cute, downright mediocre, or really annoying. I personally am okay with them (I don't hate them but they're not my favorite duo in the world) although, yeah, even I will admit that the smoking moral is pretty crammed in there, with Scowl unable to speak a sentence without bursting out into exaggerated if accurate-sounding smoker's coughs. At the rate he does it, I half expect him to just keel over and die from lung cancer. I'm pretty sure quitting isn't going to do him any good, Batso. Those lungs sound pretty black and tar-filled.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pezal8HQo-4/TtRq7B27gxI/AAAAAAAADJY/OzlklOn3Hog/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pezal8HQo-4/TtRq7B27gxI/AAAAAAAADJY/OzlklOn3Hog/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I don't have an addiction! I can quit at any time!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, wait a second here, you might be thinking. The evil queen is dead! How are they going to have an evil villain now? It certainly isn't this smoking owl, that's for sure!<br />
<br />
Helpfully, one decides to show the hell up, which instantly scares all of the misshapen ugly minions. Hate to say it, guys, but this is what happens when you make a mess of a castle without realizing that there might be people looking for the evil queen. Even if Snow White was just going to let that accursed place rot, the fact that there's now a used castle on the market would get <i>some</i> people interested.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aOABzL2k-Vg/TtRrDMQ8UrI/AAAAAAAADJg/hkuSOHC248U/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aOABzL2k-Vg/TtRrDMQ8UrI/AAAAAAAADJg/hkuSOHC248U/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You henchmen better have left me some popcorn shrimp or there's going to be hell to pay!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This man happens to be Lord Maliss, and he happens to be the brother of the evil queen. Yeah, remember <i>that </i>part in the story? Turns out the wicked queen actually had relatives!<br />
<br />
He's not exactly subtle either, because he has everything from strange green skin to a pointy Dick Dastardly mustache to an incredibly steep widow's peak. Truly this is a man you don't mess around with, lest you want to feel the back of his graceful, manicured tyrant hand. Although now, thanks to his appearance, I have to wonder if the evil queen also had green skin, really thick eyeshadow, and a perpetual scowl. Such traits like that<i> must </i>run in the family. <br />
<br />
And fun fact. Thanks to this movie, when I first read Harry Potter (and this was way back before the movies came out), this is who I pictured when I thought of Snape. You may now laugh at my stupidity.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WRPG1cZO8-g/TtRrWxkvySI/AAAAAAAADJo/yjVdujzd1vk/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WRPG1cZO8-g/TtRrWxkvySI/AAAAAAAADJo/yjVdujzd1vk/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Dear diary, today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavorless and watery. <br />
I thought of my mother. I cry."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Potions Master is a little pissed off that he arrived at his sister's castle in the middle of nowhere and found it a total pigsty and full of hideous little mutants, but so far, his acting is pretty subtle. He just kind of looks around and asks for his sister all while sporting a fashionable cape. Nothing wrong there. <br />
<br />
But I assure you, that's just hiding the true hammy being this character is. He's going to completely go off the wall in a moment here and show us just how awesome he can be once he starts raising his voice. Beneath that mustache is the brain of someone with no indoor voice.<br />
<br />
...also, movie? Are you<i> sure</i> he's related to royalty? He doesn't look much like a lord with that sort of outfit. He looks more like some huntsman who got himself lost on his way to the nearest Renaissance Faire. Huzzah!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w6TSgm5R4aY/TtRrcD3-thI/AAAAAAAADJw/GQ6GbUv2XPI/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w6TSgm5R4aY/TtRrcD3-thI/AAAAAAAADJw/GQ6GbUv2XPI/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Drat, drat, and double drat!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>He questions Scowl, and doesn't at all question the fact that he's essentially talking to woodland creatures, but he doesn't get much information from him. Instead, he goes over to his sister's mirror and, well, what do you know, it's the same mirror from the prologue! <br />
<br />
Yes, it turns out the voice-over from the prologue is actually the magic mirror, who always talks in rhyme and who looks a lot like Cogworth's brother. And, as you can tell, he has an awkwardly superimposed face cel on a painted background. Thanks to this movie's lackluster special effects, you never get the impression that the mirror's face and the rest of the frame are the same character. Dom DeLuise's character looks like some man with blue skin just stuck his face in a hole in the wall and got stuck, so the queen put a mirror around him in order to make him look more festive. It's never believable that he's an actual mirror. <br />
<br />
He does get a great line here though. The first thing he says in the movie is "Keep it down, you noisy creep. You're ruining my beauty sleep", which is such a useful line if you ever have to share a bedroom with anyone else.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TbcpNRK08-Q/TtRuuOby45I/AAAAAAAADK0/M89cFkDGW7Q/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TbcpNRK08-Q/TtRuuOby45I/AAAAAAAADK0/M89cFkDGW7Q/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This is yet another example of the late neoclassic Baroque period. <br />
And, as I always say, 'If it's not Baroque, don't fix it!'" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>The mirror refuses him on account he's not the queen, which causes Lord Maliss to say "How<b> </b><i><b>DARE</b> yoooooou</i>!" and...holy crap! This guy can shoot<i> lasers</i> out of his eyes? How come the queen never had that power? It would've saved her on apples, that's for sure!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B_4o0IZLmfU/TtRu5YDpwGI/AAAAAAAADK8/MkbSA-z9tIc/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B_4o0IZLmfU/TtRu5YDpwGI/AAAAAAAADK8/MkbSA-z9tIc/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AJ0HW1K-1rw/TtRu8hDCXTI/AAAAAAAADLE/hTM7XFO93Ng/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AJ0HW1K-1rw/TtRu8hDCXTI/AAAAAAAADLE/hTM7XFO93Ng/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You should see what he does to his TV whenever his favorite team loses the Super Bowl.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The mirror is stunned that Maliss just freaking whipped out some eye lasers and shot him in the face, but then he quickly starts mocking him in rhyme and telling him that he's immune to magic spells. That doesn't deter Maliss, because when he hears this, he actually pulls out a goddamn mace and starts threatening the mirror with it, telling him that that stupid hunk of glass better tell him what happened to his sister or else it's clobbering time. <br />
<br />
...okay, I'm going to come out and admit it. Lord Maliss <i>is </i>pretty awesome. I don't care if he's a ridiculous over-the-top villain with green skin and really thick eyeshadow. He's downright entertaining. I think the fact that Malcolm McDowell is voicing him has something to do with it. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_nHjyr_ncqg/TtRvCqystXI/AAAAAAAADLM/GAAk7SZVD2c/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_nHjyr_ncqg/TtRvCqystXI/AAAAAAAADLM/GAAk7SZVD2c/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lord Maliss equips Mace of Smashing. Gains +15 in STR and STAM.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So the mirror finally gives up and politely tells Lord Hammy that the queen is dead.<br />
<br />
...no, I'm kidding. The mirror <i>really</i> decides it's going the freak the kids watching this by giving us a jump scare in the form of her dead corpse. When he says "the queen is dead", a really scary white face with pitch black eyes flashes in the glass for only a split second, complete with a really spooky musical chord and some lightning effects. You only see this image for a brief moment, but trust me, it really haunts you if you happen to be five and watching this after being lured in with the cute cover filled with little dwarves and happy, colorful flowers. For the longest time, I had to hide behind the couch whenever the mirror started talking about the queen because I knew what was coming up.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VYzsPjqQzP8/TtRvIANgHCI/AAAAAAAADLU/nJ9vjjmbHcE/s1600/happilyeverafter8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VYzsPjqQzP8/TtRvIANgHCI/AAAAAAAADLU/nJ9vjjmbHcE/s320/happilyeverafter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'll be seeing you in your nightmares, kids!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Right after making all of us little children pee our pants out of sheer horror (that face <i>still</i> gives me the shivers, holy cow), the mirror then decides to snitch on Snow White and her handsome prince in order to get on Maliss's good side. After all, that mace looks pretty devastating. It is here that we get our first real look at our heroes and, compared to the villains, they're pretty bland-looking, even if they do have a nice taste in wardrobe. <br />
<br />
Although, in all fairness, the exact same thing happened with Disney's Snow White. Seriously, between that really scary old lady queen and Rotoscope White, who was more distinct? I think the only reason people even remember what Snow White looks like is because she's lucky enough to be a Disney Princess.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-54QWb4Jk6NA/TtRvNEwpy6I/AAAAAAAADLc/6WFEhA1o93g/s1600/happilyeverafter9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-54QWb4Jk6NA/TtRvNEwpy6I/AAAAAAAADLc/6WFEhA1o93g/s320/happilyeverafter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Honey, wouldn't it be great if we actually rode the horse?"<br />
"Nah, walking's much funner."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Lord Maliss is a little ticked off that his sister is taking a nice dirt nap, although the mirror says so himself that the reason the queen died is because she had to be a greedy asshole and try to kill Snow White, so really, her death is because Snow White retaliated in self-defense. Therefore, he decides that he's going to rule the castle and all of the disgusting creatures inside of it in the name of vengeance and knee high boots. Here is when he throws off any pretense that he's going to be subtle about his villainy and chews the scenery so much that there are visible bite marks in the animation cels. Snow White, you're going to rue the day you were prettier than someone else, causing them to get all ultra jealous and then try to murder you! This means <i>war! </i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-neakh-En0-g/TtRvU9g6xeI/AAAAAAAADLk/oLA2tpgmCDY/s1600/happilyeverafter10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-neakh-En0-g/TtRvU9g6xeI/AAAAAAAADLk/oLA2tpgmCDY/s320/happilyeverafter10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shredder and Skeletor <i>wished</i> they were this melodramatic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So Maliss starts casting great magical spells that smell like ham and cheese and then, well, <i>this</i> happens. In Maliss's words he "will twist and change and distort everything in the Realm of DOOOOOOOOOOM!" (oh geez), which means he's going to summon evil glows and make giant rock pillars burst out of the ground. Oh man, this scene has everything, from peasants fleeing in terror to over-the-top lightning flashes, and it really makes me wonder why the queen never had any of these neat powers. You'd think she'd have less of a problem killing some girl with skin as white as snow if her brother can summon freaking rock spires out of nowhere.<br />
<br />
What exactly is the point of all of this, anyways? <b>Absolutely nothing.</b> We don't exactly see what this spell actually does or how it affects this landscape, so basically Maliss is just throwing a big magical temper tantrum because his sister did something stupid and got herself killed.<br />
<br />
I will say this. The part where the green magic surrounds the castle is one of the best background shots in this entire film. This is nowhere near Disney quality, but they can have some nice atmosphere when they try.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bThpdyGP99U/TtRyHOQRSRI/AAAAAAAADMg/O96xExpZug8/s1600/happilyeverafter13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bThpdyGP99U/TtRyHOQRSRI/AAAAAAAADMg/O96xExpZug8/s320/happilyeverafter13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Maliss's bad acting is so powerful that even the earth is shaped by his delivery.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Remember when I compared <a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/08/street-sharks-sharkbait.html">Street Sharks</a> to a grilled cheese sandwich filled with three different kinds of cheese? Well, I think I just found something that tops that, because while he's shaping the landscape with his arcane powers, he honest to god gives a speech about what he's going to do to Snow White and her precious prince. There's just something loveable about a movie that's <i>this</i> overblown and exaggerated, and if I could, I'd frame this scene and hang it up on my wall. It's so over-the-top and so stupid that it swings right back into the awesome category. Maliss even tops the sundae of nuttiness by throwing his head back and yelling "VENGENCE!" while lightning flashes in the sky. <b><i>Yes!</i></b><br />
<br />
In other words, you want subtle acting? This is <i>not </i>the movie to watch. Also, nice crotch shot there, Maliss.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9g3L4FHGaHk/TtRyNYWLcII/AAAAAAAADMo/BzW0HAZnftQ/s1600/happilyeverafter14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9g3L4FHGaHk/TtRyNYWLcII/AAAAAAAADMo/BzW0HAZnftQ/s320/happilyeverafter14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hmmm, I'm still having trouble figuring out if he's the bad guy...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And then he turns into a dragon.<br />
<br />
...no, I'm serious. Turns out that dragon from earlier was Lord Maliss, and that's how he travels because the man rides in style. After Lord Maliss shoots lasers from his eyes, takes control of the entire castle and its ugly animal minions, causes earthquakes, manifests green energy to surround his sister's empire, and twists the entire ground to his whims, he feels that he has to show off even more by shapeshifting. Geez, what did he even do to get all of those neat powers, anyways? Man, Snow White is really outclassed here in this movie. <br />
<br />
And what a shapeshifting scene it is. Transformation sequences in cartoons can be anything from comical to downright frightening. Maliss turning into a wyvern (that's a dragon with only two legs to the non-fantasy geeks in the room) is the latter, because you can hear his bones crack and everything. Sort of intense stuff to see as a little kid. Again, I want to bring up the cover of this movie again and how it's nothing like what I'm seeing here. Curse you, 90's cartoons and your ability to be unspeakably dark! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7TkChpljihE/TtRyZX7TJbI/AAAAAAAADM4/YTVHI1A0chQ/s1600/happilyeverafter16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7TkChpljihE/TtRyZX7TJbI/AAAAAAAADM4/YTVHI1A0chQ/s320/happilyeverafter16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My guess is that he's not going to poison any apples in this movie.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So he transforms, roars (or rather <i>screams</i>; the wyvern's roars sound like an inhuman blend between a dragon's roar and someone yelling and it's<i> fantastic</i>), takes off into the air, and bursts right through a stained glass window. Lord Maliss, everybody!<br />
<br />
Thanks to him, I've come to the conclusion that dragons inserted into random fairy tales instantly make them at least 20% cooler. I'm pretty sure my novel where Peter Pan has to fight Captain Hook's brother who can transform into a dragon is going to sell millions of copies. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vrB2HqeAtYU/TtRyflMvpuI/AAAAAAAADNA/VM0M44rqtVg/s1600/happilyeverafter17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vrB2HqeAtYU/TtRyflMvpuI/AAAAAAAADNA/VM0M44rqtVg/s320/happilyeverafter17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sleep to slaughter and some gold to sleep on."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Well, now that the terrifying dragon that seems to be the embodiment of heavy metal bands has flown the coop, it's time for the loveable evil toadies to lighten the mood so that we don't have too many nightmares about this movie. So that's when we actually get a song from Ed Asner himself, even though it would logically make<i> no</i> sense to start rapping after you just saw someone transform into a dragon. Scowl's just awesome, I guess. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qjQ5yFlv5ao/TtRynQ5jNrI/AAAAAAAADNI/V7gVnBvlG90/s1600/happilyeverafter18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qjQ5yFlv5ao/TtRynQ5jNrI/AAAAAAAADNI/V7gVnBvlG90/s320/happilyeverafter18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Our new boss just turned into a dragon, so to celebrate, I'm going to start rapping!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And I hate to say it, but this song is not terrible. It's pointless and it adds nothing to the story, but it's not eardrum-poppingly horrendous like some songs I've heard in cheap Disney knockoff musicals. In fact, I could even go the extra mile and say that it's actually pretty catchy, if you don't concentrate on how generic the lyrics are (the chorus is "He's bad! So bad!", which can mean anything to level of villainy to level of quality) and instead focus on the voice and the beat. Ed Asner is just one of those people who could make a song about the dictionary seem amazing, and those 80's drums are just amazing.<br />
<br />
What's the song about? With a name called "He's Bad" and lyrics like "Bad like me is the way to go! Being nice is just for saps, being good is a handicap!", it's easy to figure out that the song is basically Scowl waving around his ego and showing off to the other minions that he's a bad enough dude to save the president. <br />
<br />
I think my main problem with this song is that it's too <i>short</i>. It's less than a minute long but we get things like smoking owls physically assaulting little purple bats and crossdressing monsters. Maybe if it was a little bit longer, it'd justify its existence in the movie. Oh well.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bBjrZ8eh8XM/TtRywG_w5OI/AAAAAAAADNQ/OA8zNdy698w/s1600/happilyeverafter19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bBjrZ8eh8XM/TtRywG_w5OI/AAAAAAAADNQ/OA8zNdy698w/s320/happilyeverafter19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Problem, Snow White?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So after that song that no one will ever mention again, Scowl and Batso decide to fly off and help Lord Maliss get Snow White so that they can get back on his good side. Hate to say it, but he's probably got this thing covered, guys. You know, being <i>a dragon</i> and all that makes you crazy prepared to fight some girl who thwarted the evil stepmother by biting into an apple and dying while some dwarfs and a prince did all the work for her. I mean, geez, if she can die from drugged fruit, she can die from being ripped apart by a dragon. Just common sense. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X7j3Ro0nxQY/TtR2mktePjI/AAAAAAAADN8/E9ObNrn9p8Y/s1600/happilyeverafter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X7j3Ro0nxQY/TtR2mktePjI/AAAAAAAADN8/E9ObNrn9p8Y/s320/happilyeverafter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I suppose he could try to kill her by secondhand smoke...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>They fly off, and then we get a charming, flowery area filled with bright blue skies, happy little flowers, and a butterfly that accidentally perches on a<i> tree</i>. Whoops. Either they forgot a flower or that butterfly's the size of Mothra.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F_sSPN_3ia0/TtR2rlCxepI/AAAAAAAADOE/xbda77bm8zE/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F_sSPN_3ia0/TtR2rlCxepI/AAAAAAAADOE/xbda77bm8zE/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then all of Maliss's hard work is wasted when Snow White gets her bodily fluids <br />
sucked out by a giant butterfly.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, we finally see Snow White and Prince NoNameGiven, happy that they drove some jealous woman so insane that she tried to poison her own stepdaughter. It turns out they're out riding around on Prince Phillipe's horse from Sleeping Beauty because they're going to invite the Seven Dwarfs to the wedding and, since this takes place after the "Happily Ever After" in the Snow White fable, they're already in a pretty solid, understanding relationship. It's a pretty nice change of pace, to actually have characters that are already in love instead of just falling in sparkly, magical, princess-y love in one of these princess stories, but watch as they don't actually do anything with it later on.<br />
<br />
And might as well get this out of the way. The Prince looks <i>exactly</i> like Prince Adam from He-Man, only with red hair and Gaston's outfit. Either Filmation did this intentionally as sort of a nod to their previous works, or they seriously can't draw a prince without using that face. It's probably the latter. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BLJmjC62okA/TtR2y56KhjI/AAAAAAAADOM/unvOovjMQgA/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BLJmjC62okA/TtR2y56KhjI/AAAAAAAADOM/unvOovjMQgA/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You know, I never shared this with anyone, but when I hold aloft this magic <br />
sword and say "By the Power of Greyskull"..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unfortunately, they're taking their sweet time, with them stopping so that Snow White can pick flowers for the dwarfs in a field with absolutely no shelter or protection from anything that might attack them. The Prince even gets to say the famous last words "With the wicked queen gone, who could harm us?" just to sweeten the deal. <i>Geez</i>, guys! Just cover yourselves in barbecue sauce while you're at it if you're going to make things so easy for the giant flying reptile!<br />
<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Vvb4REphdkY/TtR24b8ySvI/AAAAAAAADOU/EA6bl6-qnvo/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Vvb4REphdkY/TtR24b8ySvI/AAAAAAAADOU/EA6bl6-qnvo/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Nothing's going to attack me here! Tee hee!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So yeah, Snow White picks some flowers for about three hours (how long does it take to pick enough flowers for seven dwarfs? It's not like they're going to be big flower connoisseurs or anything!) while her boyfriend watches her creepily like watching his fiance pick plants off the ground is the sexiest thing ever. He could try helping pick the flowers, but no, he'd rather sit back and stare.<br />
<br />
...although at least he's more masculine and heterosexual than his more famous, shirtless brother. But then again, what isn't?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cBP7IGZnfK4/TtR297tCjPI/AAAAAAAADOc/Bhu03itEa0s/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cBP7IGZnfK4/TtR297tCjPI/AAAAAAAADOc/Bhu03itEa0s/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Heh heh. Girls."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The flower frolicking goes on until a dragon just swoops out of the sky, grabs Snow White by the arms, and starts carrying her off.<br />
<br />
...I know it's been established that Lord Maliss is the dragon and that this movie has dragons and monsters in it, but it's still taking me a while to get used to the idea that there are <b>dragons</b> in Snow White. I don't know, it's just not one of those fables that would have giant scaly beasts. I mean, geez, what's next; adding dragons to Sleeping Beauty?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JtrVq71onx4/TtR3LX36aZI/AAAAAAAADOk/u2cH1MoEfs8/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JtrVq71onx4/TtR3LX36aZI/AAAAAAAADOk/u2cH1MoEfs8/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Well, that was easy. I'm not sure why my sister had such a hard time with this girl..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>What we get next is a chase sequence between the wyvern and the Prince riding his horse. If you've ever seen a cartoon where someone chases someone else while riding a horse, you probably already know exactly how this scene plays out. Can't really put The Standard Horse Chase Sequence into text, but you know how it goes; there's a ravine he has to jump over, there's some windy roads he has to steer the horse through, there's frantic clipclopping sound effects. Horses. <br />
<br />
Although it kind of helps establish that this prince is sort of a badass. From what I recall, the Prince in Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs never actually <i>did </i>anything besides sing in the beginning and then marry Snow White at the very ending. This prince's first reaction when he sees a freaking dragon swoop out of nowhere and carry off his wife is to ride off after it, showing absolutely no fear. He truly is the most powerful man in the universe!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ph5pqHUNM6A/TtR3RVEyTSI/AAAAAAAADOs/j05u9H1H-RE/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ph5pqHUNM6A/TtR3RVEyTSI/AAAAAAAADOs/j05u9H1H-RE/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Aww man, why did I trade Battle Cat for this lousy horse?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Finally, when he gets within range, Prince Master of the Universe actually pulls out a crossbow (although I'm not certain where he pulled it out from) and shoots the wyvern right in the leg. Not going to ask how he was able to quickly aim and shoot that thing, nor am I going to ask why he would try to shoot that thing in the leg when, if he was just slightly off, he would've killed his future wife. Because you know what? The<i> other</i> cartoon Snow White prince didn't have a crossbow. Therefore I'm going to allow this.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-K55m4fUIxhs/TtR3WxNrU8I/AAAAAAAADO0/225lnHo0_aI/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-K55m4fUIxhs/TtR3WxNrU8I/AAAAAAAADO0/225lnHo0_aI/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All those nights playing Modern Warfare 3 finally paid off!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Also, good going, Prince. Shoot the flying animal while he's carrying your bride away in the air from who knows how far up. That was a smart move, because Snow White can just break her fall by landing on her <i>face</i>. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JpZw4-t5kI4/TtR3ebOjh4I/AAAAAAAADO8/wNqarq4KVvA/s1600/happilyeverafter8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JpZw4-t5kI4/TtR3ebOjh4I/AAAAAAAADO8/wNqarq4KVvA/s320/happilyeverafter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I guess the Prince figures that if she dies, he can always just kiss her back to life...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But don't worry, Snow Generic Woman Design lands safely on the ground (even though she fell at least three stories and hit a branch on the way down; I guess princesses are made out of tougher stuff than us fragile commoners) without damaging her sensitive mascara or lipstick. She even has enough strength to get angry and wave a stick at the dragon in retaliation. Oh no, his one weakness!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KEiT2DoJzJs/TtR3jDpn7lI/AAAAAAAADPE/ySgnqOXtq3E/s1600/happilyeverafter9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KEiT2DoJzJs/TtR3jDpn7lI/AAAAAAAADPE/ySgnqOXtq3E/s320/happilyeverafter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ruin <i>my</i> flower-picking session, will you?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Snow White looks like she's doomed, because that giant serpent is swooping down towards her and a splinter is only going to slow him down so much, but fortunately for her, that lung cancer-filled owl is a moron and decides to help at the last minute. This ends up backfiring tremendously, because instead of the owl colliding with Snow White's neck and ripping open any major arteries, he ends up hitting Maliss in the face and causing him to spin out of control. Not only is Snow White able to dodge the dragon now, but she's also able to flee into the woods, which are somehow dragon barriers now. <br />
<br />
Maliss...is not happy with Scowl, to say the least. I love for a brief moment, it looks like he's going to treat Scowl like an animal cracker and bite his head off. Yeah, the minions his sister left behind aren't the best, but hey, he got them for free.<br />
<br />
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He tries one more time to catch the slippery broad, but Snow White is able to get away from his grasp just in time and she disappears into the woods. That kind of sucks that Lord Maliss can transform into a dragon, but his dragon form just completely lacks the ability to breathe fire, or else he could've just fried Snow White and her fashionably blue dress to a crisp while her back was turned. I guess they didn't want to make a man who can summon earthquakes and shoot lasers out of his eyes too overpowered. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V2OQBMQHwTw/TtSWIjJ11kI/AAAAAAAADQE/vVmoK7wBtig/s1600/happilyeverafter1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V2OQBMQHwTw/TtSWIjJ11kI/AAAAAAAADQE/vVmoK7wBtig/s320/happilyeverafter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1BrQDxeADsc/TtSWKw9QvlI/AAAAAAAADQM/Za_PYyFn9rY/s1600/happilyeverafter2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1BrQDxeADsc/TtSWKw9QvlI/AAAAAAAADQM/Za_PYyFn9rY/s320/happilyeverafter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I guess I <i>could</i> turn back into my magic-casting, eye laser-shooting human form <br />
and chase her down, but that would be too easy."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But even with Snow White gone, there's still the Prince still running around, his hands still stained with the blood of his fallen sister. So Maliss, pretty pissed off that today just isn't going his way (clearly he was expecting to just fly off with Snow White and kill her before dinner), turns around and then attacks the prince. <br />
<br />
And oddly, even though he collides with Prince Adam at full speed with his razor-sharp claws, this somehow <i>doesn't</i> kill the prince, but instead merely knocks him off his horse. Geez, are all the humans here made out of titanium or something? Somebody break a bone or at least get some sort of wound! You're fighting a flying monster the size of a T-rex while wearing nothing but normal clothing, and according to my Final Fantasy games, you should've gotten a game over already! Wildly unfair.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Haoq-RZ5piY/TtSWREODlmI/AAAAAAAADQU/rNno1A_PKxI/s1600/happilyeverafter3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Haoq-RZ5piY/TtSWREODlmI/AAAAAAAADQU/rNno1A_PKxI/s320/happilyeverafter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, I'm pretty confident these two are going to succeed against this evil villain.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, with the prince on the ground, do you think Maliss would take advantage of this situation and just bite the man's head off and then leave his decapitated corpse somewhere where Snow White can find it? Nah, turns out this villain likes to play things fair and refuses to attack the man once he's down, like all evil villains are wont to do. Maliss is even such a good sport that right when the prince is knocked off his horse, he decides to transform back into Snape. Okay then.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t3avplaV4JQ/TtSWWZGsPLI/AAAAAAAADQc/09mPCrjQO9A/s1600/happilyeverafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t3avplaV4JQ/TtSWWZGsPLI/AAAAAAAADQc/09mPCrjQO9A/s320/happilyeverafter4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The prince's reaction to seeing a giant dragon with glowing yellow eyes transform into some man with emo hair and a belt with an upside-down triangle? He just says "I've never seen such magic as this." before asking him what he wants while making angry fists. I love how he's not at all surprised by this strange turn of events; he's just mad that this guy had the <i>gall</i> to transform into some sort of mythical beast and attack his future wife while they were inviting people to <i>his</i> wedding. The Prince's got some major balls.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HbO0SOBlv8g/TtSWcGo8o2I/AAAAAAAADQk/tYI9h-59_2g/s1600/happilyeverafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HbO0SOBlv8g/TtSWcGo8o2I/AAAAAAAADQk/tYI9h-59_2g/s320/happilyeverafter5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I HAVE THE POWER!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In response to this rather gutsy move, Lord Maliss silently shoots him with an eye laser (instead of gloating about it or saying some overdramatic villain line like I was expecting him to do), which causes the prince to collapse at his feet in a senseless heap. Getting hit by a speeding dragon barely harmed the guy, and yet eye lasers did the trick. Go figure. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fUxAEuG-jP0/TtSWhA1VjeI/AAAAAAAADQs/gajN_Oswu74/s1600/happilyeverafter6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fUxAEuG-jP0/TtSWhA1VjeI/AAAAAAAADQs/gajN_Oswu74/s320/happilyeverafter6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DjZ8e9LE-0k/TtSWkfxPJuI/AAAAAAAADQ0/nSwbu-k02yc/s1600/happilyeverafter7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DjZ8e9LE-0k/TtSWkfxPJuI/AAAAAAAADQ0/nSwbu-k02yc/s320/happilyeverafter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, that was easy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, I know what this looks like. You're thinking that Lord Maliss shot the prince down with his magic laser eyes and now he's a corpse, laying by his feet, already attracting ants and other vermin. I know that's what I thought when I saw this for the first time at age five, but trust me, the Prince is very much alive. Maliss just has "a very special fate" in store for him, and basically, it's up for us, the audience, to keep watching and see just what this special fate happens to be.<br />
<br />
I do love the faces he makes at the Prince while he's just lying there, by the way. Lord Maliss is well aware of how awesome he is and by god, he's going to<i> flaunt</i> it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F_htKkJ3EFw/TtSWtDEQNeI/AAAAAAAADQ8/7godWjQvB54/s1600/happilyeverafter8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F_htKkJ3EFw/TtSWtDEQNeI/AAAAAAAADQ8/7godWjQvB54/s320/happilyeverafter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm simply fabulous!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meanwhile, Snow White keeps running through the forest aimlessly until long after the sun sets. Geez, she must've taken some serious track and field classes while she was disguised as a simple scullery maid in order to hide her immense beauty. What person has this kind of stamina?<br />
<br />
By the way, get used to the fact that the entire film looks like someone poured blue all over everything. In this film, when the sun sets, everything takes on a shade of bright blue, making the film take on some major monochromatic qualities as we get further in. And that's not even limited to the night scenes either; just look back at all the previous screenshots and notice the dominant color in all of them. Now we know Filmation's favorite color.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wLDIHN2_KMk/TtSW1LmN-BI/AAAAAAAADRE/KcqYyoXewtM/s1600/happilyeverafter9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wLDIHN2_KMk/TtSW1LmN-BI/AAAAAAAADRE/KcqYyoXewtM/s320/happilyeverafter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, sure, keep running into the giant, scary forest until you get lost. Good going, me! Stupid, stupid, <i>stupid</i>!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But yeah, you know what's going to happen next, now that Snow White is in the woods, wandering around and getting scared by forest fauna and finding little mine shafts filled with dwarf-sized feet and shovels. She keeps running until she ends up at the house of the Seven Dwarfs. <br />
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Although, wait. If Snow White was going to invite them to the wedding, then why didn't she immediately know where they were? She just kind of wandered through that forest aimlessly until she just happened to stumble across their house. <i>This is not an efficient way to send out wedding invitations, Snow White!</i><br />
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...and couldn't she have just sent one of the Prince's servants to send out the invitation? I know they're her best friends and all, but that probably would've stopped the whole dragon thing from ever happening. Just saying.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1wZ2hPU2T7M/TtSW6i5jJHI/AAAAAAAADRM/BZxk87fmEag/s1600/happilyeverafter10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1wZ2hPU2T7M/TtSW6i5jJHI/AAAAAAAADRM/BZxk87fmEag/s320/happilyeverafter10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Well, that's ironic. I just hope my husband's still alive so I can still invite them to the wedding."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unfortunately, since she was running for at least <i>six hours</i>, she actually passes out before she can even reach the door. If this is how she normally ends up at the dwarf's house, all passed out and sleeping in some random spot on her property, I have to wonder what they think of her. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ukrZuNcPWN0/TtSW__SWHkI/AAAAAAAADRU/chXZZTfR9Dk/s1600/happilyeverafter11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ukrZuNcPWN0/TtSW__SWHkI/AAAAAAAADRU/chXZZTfR9Dk/s320/happilyeverafter11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Snow White, the neighbors are asking questions.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And this is where I'm going to stop on this movie for today, because I'm stopping right before we actually meet our dwarfs for this movie. It's been an exciting ride so far, but this is only the tip of the crazy iceberg that is this movie. If you think the dragon and the smoking owl were insane, just wait until you see what's in store in the upcoming chapters that is Happily Ever After.<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><a href="http://cartoon-watching.blogspot.com/2011/11/happily-ever-after-1993-film-part-2.html">An owl with a cigar informs you, through a pointless rap song, that Part 2 is this way!</a></b></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178619719552108506.post-37377384627844206212011-11-08T19:17:00.000-08:002011-12-09T19:58:27.341-08:00Wacky Races - See-Saw to ArkansasAccording to the polls, everyone wanted something new, so of course, that means I'm going to cover a cartoon that almost 50 years old. Irony!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZYRcovqLs40/TrgQFkzWHmI/AAAAAAAACpE/d2nGff76_TE/s1600/wackyraces.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZYRcovqLs40/TrgQFkzWHmI/AAAAAAAACpE/d2nGff76_TE/s1600/wackyraces.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I have sort of a love/hate relationship with Hannah-Barbera, the creators of this ancient work of art. I mean, sure, they've single-handedly defined an entire decade (or decades, depending on how nice you want to be) of animation, but at the same time, they're pretty renowned for basically cranking show after show after show and being one of the harbingers of the animation dark ages. They have great characters, but for every Huckleberry Hound and Tom and Jerry, you have pale knockoffs like Goober and the Ghost Chasers (hint: Goober is a <i>dog</i>) or just plain failtastic ideas like The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang. <br />
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That being said, I can't bring myself to hate Wacky Races. This was truly one of Hannah-Barbera's better ideas and I like it more than I like Scooby-Doo. Sorry Scooby, but your antics just can't top Pat Pending's Convert-a-Car no matter how hard you try.<br />
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For those of you who don't know about Wacky Races (which would make me sad if you didn't, because it's one of the landmark shows of the 60's and 70's), it was a 17 episode racing show produced in the late 60's that was wacky, pretty much. One of the things that made it unique was that, unlike a lot of Hannah-Barbera's other shows, it had a pretty big cast. It had eleven vehicles and twenty three characters spread among these cars, so if you got bored with one guy, there was always at least twenty other racers to watch instead. It was formulaic, but then again, racing as a whole has a formula to it so you end up not minding too much. Probably because you're watching a cartoon that has mobsters, scientists, cavemen, vampires, and freaking Dick Dastardly. A little formula isn't going to deter you too much from watching someone in a biplane shoot a gun at some hillbilly on the road. <br />
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And, like Scooby-Doo, the reason I'm so familiar with this show is because, before the Cartoon Cartoons were created, Cartoon Network used to air reruns of this show <i>all the freakin' time</i> in the early 90's, when the channel was first created. So much that I'm surprised this show only had 17 full episodes.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: The inspiration for Mario Kart. Don't deny it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>That, and the fact that this show didn't get the overexposure that Scooby later suffered from. There were only two spinoffs to the show (one with Dick Dastardly and one with Penelope Pitstop and the Anthill Mob) and the Wacky Races legacy was able to retire with quiet dignity before a Flim-Flam racer and a Scrappy-Doo racer could show up.<br />
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That being said, the easiest way to cover a show is to look at its first episode, (or in this case, the first half of the first episode, since each episode contains two 11 minute segments) so let's see how our loveable racers deal with their most insidious obstacle yet, for they're going to dive into the dark, clammy, largely unexplored evil that is...Arkansas. <br />
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Let's look at an episode that literally has nothing to do with actual Seesaws and just made up a pun on the fly, See-Saw to Arkansas. <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b>See-Saw to Arkansas</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B_37yUaBtm4/TrhO7mPwNfI/AAAAAAAACpU/LaWg0aF43mc/s1600/wackyraces.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="296" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B_37yUaBtm4/TrhO7mPwNfI/AAAAAAAACpU/LaWg0aF43mc/s400/wackyraces.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><b><br />
Airdate:</b> September 14th, 1968</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Availability: </b><span style="color: green;">On DVD<br />
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Before I talk about the show proper, I'm going to take the time and introduce every car individually, in order of how the intro introduces them (which doesn't introduce them by number, because that would be silly!), since this show did have a very large cast with very unique cars and I can't expect anybody to instantly remember them off the top of their heads. Be sure to grab a cup of coffee, because with eleven race cars, this <i>will</i> take a while.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You <i>wish</i> your chin was as epic as his.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>First we have Peter Perfect in the Turbo Terrific. Everyone and anyone has made fun of this man's name and the shape of his car, and I'm not one to break tradition. Peter's car...is basically him overcompensating, to put it mildly. With big, rubbery giant wheels at the back and a car that's 80% length and 20% girth, it's kind of hard not to draw that conclusion. I mean, seriously, one of the Turbo Terrific's powers is <i>to extend the tip</i>, for crying out loud! In another show of Freudian slips, whenever Peter brags about how awesome his long shaft of a car is doing, it will either deflate (yes, <i>this car has deflated</i>) or fall apart, usually while Penelope Pitstop (I'll talk about her in a minute) is watching. Oh, Hannah-Barbera.<br />
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He also has a crush on Penelope Pitstop, who helpfully drives a car called the Pussycat that has big fat lips on the front. I have to wonder what it would look like if those two cars got into a front end collision with one another. <br />
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Although, to be fair, he's one of the few drivers actually driving a vehicle <i>built for racing.</i> You'll see in a moment.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dUIb2C_8cJc/TrhPt71irVI/AAAAAAAACpk/M7RnyDlW1Mk/s1600/wackyracescharacters1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dUIb2C_8cJc/TrhPt71irVI/AAAAAAAACpk/M7RnyDlW1Mk/s320/wackyracescharacters1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Trees can go to hell!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Next we have Rufus Ruffcut and Sawtooth the Beaver in the Buzzwagon and somehow he managed to construct a car completely out of the scraps you would find at a lumber mill. That's some mad skills right there, and I think the only thing holding this pulpy abomination together is Rufus's supernatural hatred of anything that's a tree. I'm pretty sure this man can level a forest just by glaring in its direction. I mean, just look at that grin. That's some prime hating on nature there. <br />
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So yeah, he's basically a lumberjack and he's okay, because he sleeps all night and works all day. Expect rugged things to come out of his larynx. Also, there is no way this thing is street legal, because it has honest to god <i>buzzsaws</i> for wheels. I'm not even going to question the mindboggling physics or even how he manages to get it down the road without the blades wearing down, because just think of the street damage! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Foz6p6hQ6A8/TrhPuNYm8EI/AAAAAAAACps/EblHG-LZkj0/s1600/wackyracescharacters2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Foz6p6hQ6A8/TrhPuNYm8EI/AAAAAAAACps/EblHG-LZkj0/s320/wackyracescharacters2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Beetle Bailey goes to the races.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Then we get Sergeant Blast and Private Meekly in the Army Surplus Special. If you want to know their personalities, just take a good look at their names; instead of being subversive and having Private Meekly being a total extrovert and not taking any crap from the Sergeant who can't speak in an indoor voice, he is, of course, meek. Which is a real shame, because they're driving a freaking tank/road sweeper hybrid vehicle that's been known to fire mortal shells at the other drivers. You'd think they'd go the extra mile and spice things up. <br />
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These two get the distinction of being the worst racers, because compared to the rest of the racers (I'm not even counting Dick Dastardly because he has a clean 0-0-0 streak), Blast has the least amount of wins to his name. His car has only been in the Top Three four times in the entire series' run, which is really sad when there's a good 34 races in this show. Maybe racing actual vehicles in a machine running on caterpillar tracks wasn't such a smart move.<br />
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But yeah, they're not very interesting. It would be wise to just ignore these two and let the grown-ups do the winning for them.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-71XKlBH4PV8/TrhPuYrZqfI/AAAAAAAACp0/l58VYqU4yjI/s1600/wackyracescharacters3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-71XKlBH4PV8/TrhPuYrZqfI/AAAAAAAACp0/l58VYqU4yjI/s320/wackyracescharacters3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think the number one reason people join the mob is to get sweet rides like this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>While the Army Surplus Special is piloted by people made of lose, then the Bulletproof Bomb is piloted by people made of win. The Ant Hill Mob (composed entirely out of midgets, because if cartoons have taught me one thing, it's that the mafia is full of short people and ventriloquist dummies) is nothing short of brilliant, if only because they're freaking mobsters that are in a race, pulling out actual tommy guns with actual bullets and trying to avoid the cops. That, my friends, takes pure guts, being wanted criminals and yet starring in a race for a trophy. <br />
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And for some reason even though that car could easily seat all of them comfortably, they all choose to bunch up in the front. I'm guessing it's because that's where the air conditioner is.<br />
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Out of the four cars that placed First Place four times, they're the ones that placed the most in second place, so some people consider them to be the winners of the first Wacky Races. Also, they were protagonists in The Perils of Penelope Pitstop, making them one of the few examples where there were characters from the mafia driving around, firing off machine guns...<i>and they were<b> heroes</b></i>. I wonder if Hannah-Barbera got any mysterious unmarked packages in the mail full of flowers and presents for being one of the few people to depict the mob in such a positive light.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RWQx8OKHXk0/TrhQIGkirdI/AAAAAAAACp8/TY-LcQFRY4A/s1600/wackyracescharacters4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RWQx8OKHXk0/TrhQIGkirdI/AAAAAAAACp8/TY-LcQFRY4A/s320/wackyracescharacters4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Never build a motor vehicle while drunk.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Speeding up next is Pat Pending and his Convert-A-Car. Pat Pending is pretty awesome, because he is a mad scientist (which instantly earns him at least fifty points to his Win-O-Meter) and car can turn into all sorts of cool stuff. He's turned his car into a plane, a motorcycle, and even a bowling ball. His running gag is that the Convert-O-Car always turns into something different, leading to me to wonder why he doesn't market this miracle of science to the right bidder and retire a wealthy, world-changing man. <br />
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His car probably has the most appealing design out of the lot (well, that, and The Ant Hill Mob's car; I freaking love 1920's cars) because you can tell the designers just went nuts on making the single most ridiculous thing on three wheels. His car has parts from all forms of transportation, including boat parts. Pat Pending is a credit to his fellow scientist.<br />
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But despite that, he doesn't go the full mile and turn his car into some sort of death bot capable of smashing the other cars to bits, probably because he's full of sportsmanship as much as he full of science. No seriously, this man will oftentimes step on the brakes and then use his brilliant invention to help the other cars. All of his car's features are purely defensive, even though he can fully exercise his right to use lethal force considering The Ant Hill Mob uses tommy guns and Sergeant Blast has military artillery. He's just that noble of a person, I guess, and considering how mad scientists are often portrayed negatively in cartoons, we should be thankful for this upstanding guy in our roster. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SlEwrzTwTAo/TrhQIay1MXI/AAAAAAAACqE/9zIVfPsh6aY/s1600/wackyracescharacters5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SlEwrzTwTAo/TrhQIay1MXI/AAAAAAAACqE/9zIVfPsh6aY/s320/wackyracescharacters5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, that car has some shapely hips.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Next, Penelope Pitstop, the only female racer in the group. Her car is as girly as they come (and even has creepy, huge lips and eyes, which made me think the car was alive when I watched this show as a kid), and her gimmick is that she's a girl who likes pink, makeup, and being captured. In her defense, she's actually pretty assertive, oftentimes figuring out how to get out of her situations almost as many times as she gets caught. And, to be fair, she has more of a personality than Daphne. <br />
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Since she's the only person on the track with boobs, the male racers will avoid shooting at her and will often let her pass them. I love how absolutely useless her windshield and her umbrella are too, when you stop and think about the speed she's typically driving.<br />
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She also got a spinoff called The Perils of Penelope Pitstop, where her best friends with The Ant Hill Mob. Yes, my friends. After all of that flirting with Peter Perfect, she ends up with a gang of mobsters. Them's the breaks.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R_W_U4Qff8o/TrhQIbGt_cI/AAAAAAAACqM/cOSiS5uHZ0A/s1600/wackyracescharacters6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R_W_U4Qff8o/TrhQIbGt_cI/AAAAAAAACqM/cOSiS5uHZ0A/s320/wackyracescharacters6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Back in Oog's day, things weren't so commercial."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Driving up after that is the Bouldermobile driven by the Slag Brothers. They're cavemen and they have clubs! That's all you need to know about them. That, and the fact that they were a visual inspiration for Captain Caveman.<br />
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Although, personally, them being here just raises a lot of questions. Save for the anthropomorphic beaver and the midget gangsters who are still trapped in Prohibition Times, up until now, the racers were pretty grounded in reality. And then, suddenly, we get anachronistic neanderthals. They shouldn't even be able to survive in our modern atmosphere with these strange, exotic germs assaulting their ancient immune systems, let alone be able to work a rock-based form of our modern technology! <i>How do they exist.</i><br />
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Incidentally, wanna hear something that's wildly unfair? If the whole Wacky Races series had been scored according to the Grand Prix point scoring of the period, the Slag Brothers would've been the champions. Think about how unfair it is, the fact that a 1920's sedan, a dragster, a tank, and car that can turn into an airplane were beaten by a freaking rock with an engine inside! The hell.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NKc9tCH4fqU/TrhQI3HayXI/AAAAAAAACqU/TnY64alV8sc/s1600/wackyracescharacters7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NKc9tCH4fqU/TrhQI3HayXI/AAAAAAAACqU/TnY64alV8sc/s320/wackyracescharacters7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't even try to sing The Monster Mash in front of them. They will not be responsible for their actions.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, right after that, we get the Creepy Coupe and The Gruesome Twosome. When I was a kid, this was always the car I rooted for, when now I tend to root for either Pat Pending or The Ant Hill Mob. In all fairness, I still think the Creepy Coupe is pretty awesome (I say they're in third place of my list of favorite Wacky Racers), because it's another case of really appealing shape and design in the form of a tricked out hearse. I especially dig the little headlights that are actually old-timey gas lamps.<br />
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Anyways, The Gruesome Twosome consists of Big Gruesome and Little Gruesome. While Big Gruesome doesn't look too monstrous save for his size (and that could just be the factor of an overactive pituitary gland), Little Gruesome is a purple-skinned vampire whose powers seem to be the ability to summon an eternal raincloud over his car and various horror-themed monsters out of that belfry attached to the roof of his car. <br />
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Since anyone who can summon a dragon out of their car is instantly cool in my book, keep an eye out for these guys if Pat Pending or The Ant Hill Mob are nowhere to be seen.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UkdM27aIfiU/TrhQJKq99aI/AAAAAAAACqc/oX0d9OlCtpA/s1600/wackyracescharacters8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UkdM27aIfiU/TrhQJKq99aI/AAAAAAAACqc/oX0d9OlCtpA/s320/wackyracescharacters8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Suck it, gravity!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Following them, we get probably the most unfortunate car in the lot. The Red Max and the Crimson Haybailer have the unfortunate distinction of being the car (err, plane) in the group that has had its gimmicks taken by other drivers. Pat Pending's car can fly, The Ant Hill Mob has machine guns, and Peter Perfect flirts with the ladies, so therefore he has no reason to exist. He's basically there as a placeholder, and I'm sure by the time the show was in production, the Hannah-Barbera team came up with an idea that was miles better than him but it was already too late. No, seriously, every time I see this guy, I keep picturing some concept artist kicking himself going "we should've went with the pirate-themed racer!".<br />
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What is also disappointing for The Red Max is that, in his attempt to make his airplane into a car that can qualify for the Wacky Races, he nearly completely robbed his aircraft of its ability to fly. What Red Max did was basically clip the wings of a vehicle that most people don't even get the opportunity to drive. Good going there, dude.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FYV2v-uRtl0/TrhX_eQxNBI/AAAAAAAACqk/igyGKMbQOj4/s1600/wackyracescharacters9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FYV2v-uRtl0/TrhX_eQxNBI/AAAAAAAACqk/igyGKMbQOj4/s320/wackyracescharacters9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Haters gonna hate!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Finally, out of the normal racers, we get Luke and Blubber Bear on the Arkansas Chuggabug. It's a hillbilly and his trained bear he somehow felt needed to be in the race with him. That's all you need to know about him.<br />
<br />
When I was a kid, I thought Luke was kind of boring and always mixed him up with Rufus, but now that I'm older, I just find this idea radically ingenious. That a good look at the jalopy Luke is piloting; that thing is clearly the most unsafe ride in the history of existence, and yet this barefooted slack-jawed yokel often drives this thing <i>while asleep</i>. The fact that he's still alive is a testament to this man's resourcefulness. <br />
<br />
Oh, and he often powers that sucker up by pouring whiskey into the stove pot engine strapped to the back of that thing. Again, this guy is still alive and with all of his body parts intact. Luke spits in your book learnings, you yankees, because he can drive with his eyes closed and still beat a dragster, two airplanes, and a tank.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZsBL4wg0UqQ/TrhX_mbsx-I/AAAAAAAACqs/OR6BcL2Bc9o/s1600/wackyracescharacters10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZsBL4wg0UqQ/TrhX_mbsx-I/AAAAAAAACqs/OR6BcL2Bc9o/s320/wackyracescharacters10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Apparently pure evil wears a locomotive engineer hat and a trenchcoat. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>But wait, we also need a villain for a show. Driving a car marked 00 (or the infinity symbol in some shots where the animators drew the car off-model), Dick Dastardly is just a classic, and the idea that someone could not know who Dick Dastardly or his snickering little dog Muttley are is a thought that terrifies and sickens me. <br />
<br />
Anyways, they probably have the best car, because they can get miles ahead of everyone else and still have time to stop the car and set up an elaborate trap involving rigging dynamite or putting some sort of trap that will destroy the other racers. It's a set rule that Dick Dastardly must never win, because he can't just race like a normal person. It's his own hubris and constant cheating that is the result of his failures, not the other racers. It's kind of sad when you think about it. In modern times, there'd be an episode where Dick Dastardly dives into his past and gives us a reason why he's become the monster he is now, but since this is Hannah-Barbera, we're going to assume that the "Dick" in his name also describes his personality.<br />
<br />
-----------<br />
<br />
And now, with those incredibly long, almost gratuitously lengthy introductions that no one's going to read out of the way, time to hit the show proper. Helpfully, the first thing we see is the actual route the Wacky Racers are going down, and it turns out they're neck-deep in hillbilly country because they have to drive various unpaved roads to get to Mustard Spread, Arkansas. Since typing up "Mustard Spread" in Google Maps only gave me the results to various sandwich shops, I'm going to assume that, if this town did exist back in the 60's, it certainly doesn't exist now.<br />
<br />
By the way, check out the other town names hidden in there. I'm the most fond of Villville and Blatt. I would sell my right foot to live in a town called Blatt, so long as Blatt had Internet access and a Target.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--oIYtTnukag/Trn2fYHXhCI/AAAAAAAACq0/FO0diAdrcC0/s1600/wackyraces1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--oIYtTnukag/Trn2fYHXhCI/AAAAAAAACq0/FO0diAdrcC0/s400/wackyraces1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
We tune into the actual racers, and the very first thing we see happening between combatants is Dick Dastardly cheating, this time employing some sort of extendable nose cone thing (which, judging from the angle of it, is clipping through the rest of the car) to completely smash the Slag Brothers' car into bits, which then form into the title for this cartoon. Kind of a gruesome way to start an episode there, Hannah-Barbera, having Dick Dastardly getting crushed by a boulder/car hybrid. Imagine tuning into this show, probably because of word-of-mouth, and seeing four people die onscreen within the first ten seconds. It probably made quite an impression.<br />
<br />
But hey, it lets the kiddies know that they're not dealing with your basic run-of-the-mill Scooby-Doo where it's just some guy in a mask. The Wacky Racers play for keeps!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aFcnOqLFDNY/TroAE5kbqdI/AAAAAAAACq8/XZbvCz7BbKE/s1600/wackyraces2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aFcnOqLFDNY/TroAE5kbqdI/AAAAAAAACq8/XZbvCz7BbKE/s320/wackyraces2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-43FYAjAR3Eg/TroAFANcwHI/AAAAAAAACrE/UOJo10747Vk/s1600/wackyraces3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-43FYAjAR3Eg/TroAFANcwHI/AAAAAAAACrE/UOJo10747Vk/s320/wackyraces3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rocks fall. Everybody dies.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But don't worry! The moment the title screen disappears, the boulders magically reform into a completely working Bouldermobile and the Slag Brothers just mysteriously pop into existence thanks to the miracles of animation. This brings these characters into a new light, the fact that they can just rise from the ashes of their own death like a pair of hairy, flea-infested phoenixes, because it means that the Slag Brothers are capable of black magic so powerful that our mortal brains cannot comprehend their true power. Try to explain <i>this</i>, <i><b>science</b>!</i><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wfRIJwNJx3c/TroAFEeIrJI/AAAAAAAACrM/GLmBqxq1TFw/s1600/wackyraces4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wfRIJwNJx3c/TroAFEeIrJI/AAAAAAAACrM/GLmBqxq1TFw/s320/wackyraces4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6TGmUDc1Nic/TroAFZ3UCBI/AAAAAAAACrU/VwKlxFFfs4I/s1600/wackyraces5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6TGmUDc1Nic/TroAFZ3UCBI/AAAAAAAACrU/VwKlxFFfs4I/s320/wackyraces5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Or they're the world's first T-1000s. Either way, I'm scared.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Currently, the Slag Wizards have the lead, followed by the Creepy Coupe in second and Red Max in third. Clearly this needs to change, and luckily, the Gruesome Twosome realize this and decide they're going to call upon the power of devils to smite their enemies. I love the glimpse we get of the dashboard in the Creepy Coupe, even if I am basically looking at what is essentially stock footage. I'd hate to think of what the Gruesome Twosome have to do if they ever have to put their vehicle in reverse.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TWzdWtIYs1E/TroAFrPq_ZI/AAAAAAAACrc/52C_eTJPkTQ/s1600/wackyraces6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TWzdWtIYs1E/TroAFrPq_ZI/AAAAAAAACrc/52C_eTJPkTQ/s320/wackyraces6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, I am <i>so</i> naming a heavy metal band "Horror Power". </td></tr>
</tbody></table>So yep, their car has a dragon feature (helpfully named Dragon Power because the vampire in charge of naming the different gadgets was sick that day) and by god, they're going to use it. The moment they set their car to "Dragon Power", a big scaly beast just kind of expands out of the car's belfry like green putty until it forms into a dragon and the hideous abomination starts flapping its wings, which boosts them along at pretty fast pace. You know, instead of making the car fly or something. I'm not a Physics Major so I can't figure out the real mechanics of what a giant, several hundred pound beast just suddenly popping into existence on the roof of your car and then flapping upwards would do.<br />
<br />
And before you ask, I'm not going to point out every single power-up the Wacky Racers use, because then this blog post will read like I've turned into some sort of racing announcer. I'm just pointing Dragon Power out because this was the one powerup I looked forward to as a kid. Even if now I question whether the dragon is always in the belfry or is conveniently stored in some sort of pocket dimension.<br />
<br />
...aaaand I just wasted two whole paragraphs on a kind of pointless sight gag. Good going, me.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jgpRLh_NVhQ/TroAF_rMMkI/AAAAAAAACrk/F9RRY7x21hk/s1600/wackyraces7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jgpRLh_NVhQ/TroAF_rMMkI/AAAAAAAACrk/F9RRY7x21hk/s320/wackyraces7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What do dragons have to do with movie monsters anyways?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But, unfortunately, even summoning a <i>dragon</i> isn't enough, because then The Red Max (or Boring Waste of Space, as I like to call him) decides he's going to actually not suck for once and starts flying around in his hideous mutated piece of modern industry while cackling a laugh that sounds like a Frenchman trying to imitate a stereotypical Frenchman. <br />
<br />
...right before he falls off a bridge and lands into a large body of water. Hey, idiot. Typically when we pilot aircraft, we tend to face ahead and look where we're going. At this point, I hope he drowns and we get that pirate-themed racer I just made up in my head. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aQrDp6UuASo/TroAGB95CCI/AAAAAAAACro/-DhOYbgqfRI/s1600/wackyraces8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aQrDp6UuASo/TroAGB95CCI/AAAAAAAACro/-DhOYbgqfRI/s320/wackyraces8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And then he gets shot down by a white beagle riding a doghouse.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Now, I know what you're thinking. Oh god, please tell me this entire show isn't just stock footage of the same cars driving around, you're probably pleading with me. Well, okay, in the beginning and the end of the episodes, it sort of is, just to hammer it home that you're in fact watching a <i>racing</i> cartoon. In their defense, Nascar is pretty much the same way, and their cars aren't shaped like rocks or airplanes. Hannah-Barbera just wanted something they could use a lot of stock footage in (this being the 60's, a time where a show's budget was like a penny and some chewing gum) and by golly, they've sure got it.<br />
<br />
I think part of the reason I'm going to let this assault of stock footage slide on by is the announcer character, an unseen force of nature that both does his job as a man who has to point out who's leading and manages to let his feelings be heard in the way he describes the racers. This is especially apparent when he mentions that The Ant Hill Mob is in last place (although you'd think<i> landing in a river</i> would put The Red Max in last), because he almost sounds like he's mocking them with the tone of voice he uses. Sounds like <i>someone's</i> going to end up getting fitted with some nice concrete shoes if he keeps talking like that. They still haven't found the previous announcer's body.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1-vSiOuBR1g/TroAGa1ZVhI/AAAAAAAACrw/EXTOPFsMjWA/s1600/wackyraces9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1-vSiOuBR1g/TroAGa1ZVhI/AAAAAAAACrw/EXTOPFsMjWA/s320/wackyraces9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gangsters have an inability to respect personal space.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Ant Hill Mob and their crammed closeness (geez, guys, I've seen litters of puppies that weren't touching each other so much) are pretty dang unhappy that they're trailing behind, and the leader expresses this in stereotypical 20's gangster lingo laced with "youse" and "mugs". That's how you can tell he's a gangster if you're blind and can't see the clothes, the car, and the five-o-clock shadow. Anyways, like the Creepy Coupe, they too have a power, only it's called "Getaway Power". I'm not going to lie. Even after seeing the dragon, I can still call it one of the stranger power-ups in this show, if only because it makes the least amount of physical sense. Just take a look at this screenshot here and try to tell me otherwise.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OdTMHF78Zag/TroAGZ0Q1fI/AAAAAAAACr4/wDf40fLqcf0/s1600/wackyraces10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OdTMHF78Zag/TroAGZ0Q1fI/AAAAAAAACr4/wDf40fLqcf0/s320/wackyraces10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Because men picking up a car and running is somehow faster than driving at maximum speed. Of course.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Apparently the mob can outrun many things, but they can't outrun the police. A highway officer (who looks strangely like Ranger Smith from Yogi Bear) spots the Bulletproof Bomb and decides to be a hero and chase The Ant Hill Mob down without any backup. Man, it's almost making me want to go back to the stock footage because now this is just raising further questions. Are the Wacky Races held in secret or something? All the racers are clearly going to Mustard Spread and The Ant Hill Mob is clearly a part of the roster. Is there more than one Ant Hill Mob or did everyone assume that the "mob" in their name just meant a really large group of people? They're driving a freaking 1920's sedan and firing off subautomatic machine guns, for crying out loud. They're not exactly subtle!<br />
<br />
Luckily, the coupe can tap into the police radios and they happen to hear this critically insane man blabbing to his fellow cop buddies that he's going to chase the mob down on his piddly motorcycle, which offers absolutely no protection to his body against bullets. No back-up arrives, so I'm just going to assume that the Arkansas police force just cleared his desk and applied the "Help Wanted" sign to the front window. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VzFkyGbgCfc/TroAGiWzePI/AAAAAAAACsA/BZMsPOhMbxs/s1600/wackyraces11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VzFkyGbgCfc/TroAGiWzePI/AAAAAAAACsA/BZMsPOhMbxs/s320/wackyraces11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I know I'm only supposed to be supervising road traffic, but I'm confident <br />
I can fight the mafia with my bare hands."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Fortunately for that dumbass cop, The Ant Hill Mob decides it's going to let this poor man live so that he can end up dying while choking on a ballpoint pen as nature intended. Therefore, they decide they're going to outmaneuver the police and lose him that way. Course, in a stunning display of unique Hannah-Barbera physics, when the Bulletproof Bomb makes a sharp turn, it just launches all of the gangsters out of the car and thus I point out they could've saved themselves a lot of trouble if they just shot the donut-stuffed moron full of holes.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0wJeF7hSp18/TroAG81jY9I/AAAAAAAACsI/MtqUs8f9apM/s1600/wackyraces12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0wJeF7hSp18/TroAG81jY9I/AAAAAAAACsI/MtqUs8f9apM/s320/wackyraces12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And they can only watch in horror as that beautiful antique car crashes into a rock cliff and explodes.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After The Ant Hill Mob has held our attention for way too long, the cartoon decides to go from mobsters to...whatever the hell Dick Dastardly and Muttley are supposed to be, anyways. And, instead of actually <i>racing</i>, they've parked their car and have been waiting for who knows how long for the other cars to show up. Truly a great plan worthy of noting!<br />
<br />
And yes, if I'm going to be covering Wacky Races episodes, I might as well point out the logic fail on Dick Dastardly's part. Mainly, the fact that he's far enough in the lead to stand around in binoculars and plant a trap for all of the racers behind him when he could just be <i>driving</i> his stupid car and cross the finish line fairly. Although I can be optimistic and assume the guy took a shortcut, instantly disqualifying him. He <i>is</i> a dick, after all.<br />
<br />
...although that never stops the other racers from using shortcuts. I think the judges just really hated this guy.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EnDKpW3whYo/TroAHAKiunI/AAAAAAAACsQ/XQQeGDBY9m8/s1600/wackyraces13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EnDKpW3whYo/TroAHAKiunI/AAAAAAAACsQ/XQQeGDBY9m8/s320/wackyraces13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Man, bird watching sucks. I'm taking up a new hobby."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Dastardly Dick is mad that one of the racers (The Ant Hill Mob) turned and can't be subjected to his trap, but he quickly shakes it off. Because hey, that's still nine other drivers he can destroy with his dynamite he's going to plant into a canyon. He can kill the mobsters later. So he cackles in glee as he watches his sentient bipedal dog bury some explosives because he's freaking lazy. He just spent fifty dollars on his manicure and he can't look his dastardlyest if he's covered in dirt.<br />
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I just love the music for this scene by the way. You know that stereotypical frantic old-timey piano music when some woman tied to the railroad tracks is going to get run over? That's <i>exactly</i> what plays while Muttley is burying the dynamite. This cartoon doesn't just use cliches; it <b>embraces </b>them. Hannah-Barbera; while Warner Bros wrote the book on slapstick cliches, we certainly know how to read it!<br />
<br />
Also, I sure hope those rocky mountain walls aren't some sort of historical landmark in Arkansas or else Dick Dastardly is basically destroying a national treasure for the sake of being an asshole to his fellow drivers.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rIS71k34hT0/TroMj9DUrFI/AAAAAAAACsg/Dtf8n5i16kM/s1600/wackyraces14.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rIS71k34hT0/TroMj9DUrFI/AAAAAAAACsg/Dtf8n5i16kM/s320/wackyraces14.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
And here's another classic gag, one that should be instantly familiar to any fan of the Roadrunner cartoons. The dynamite doesn't go off when the racers drive past it, and it only chooses to go off when Dick Dastardly is standing right over the dynamite complaining about how his trap went so horribly wrong without sensing the irony in his particular situation. Come on, we were all expecting it. What I don't get is how the dynamite is still able to go off even though nine different cars (including a giant several ton tank and a car with freaking buzzsaw wheels) ran right over it, but then again, who knows how durable bright red sticks of cartoon dynamite are. <br />
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For some reason, it's kind of fun seeing this gag just played completely straight. If there's one thing older cartoons can get right, it's cartoon violence. Nowadays, a cartoon wouldn't even <i>think</i> of using something like this and, if it did, it would then try to subvert it or do some sort of "Oh, look how cliche this situation is! We're pointing it out right in the dialogue! How clever!" thing that pops up all the damn time recently in modern cartoons. <br />
<br />
And yes, standing right next to dynamite somehow doesn't reduce Dick Dastardly into a fine red mist even though that same explosion was able to cause an avalanche. It gets established pretty early that our red glove-toting madman is impervious to all forms of damage and is basically immortal as well as immoral. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8G7OFpFTaU8/TroMkJPpLuI/AAAAAAAACso/BVEDQJUaFAY/s1600/wackyraces15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8G7OFpFTaU8/TroMkJPpLuI/AAAAAAAACso/BVEDQJUaFAY/s320/wackyraces15.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TXvdaQalAE8/TroMkUtK0jI/AAAAAAAACss/vnRosth2Ado/s1600/wackyraces16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TXvdaQalAE8/TroMkUtK0jI/AAAAAAAACss/vnRosth2Ado/s320/wackyraces16.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-unixKZvFjEY/TroMkpu7xfI/AAAAAAAACs0/aDp--GDYrVE/s1600/wackyraces17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-unixKZvFjEY/TroMkpu7xfI/AAAAAAAACs0/aDp--GDYrVE/s320/wackyraces17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, that dynamite made his clothes all furry and made all of his body hair disappear.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But wait, maybe Dick's plan worked after all, so all of those third degree burns he just received are all in the name of a successful venture. Pat Pending, who was just taking his sweet time getting over here, drives up to a solid wall of pure boulders and has to stop in his tracks. Dastardly gives his trademark cackle, happy that he got one of them. I'm not sure why he's happy that he can now get into 10th place instead of dead last like he normally does, but hey, he wants to make his goals manageable. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WtCuRgyShCU/TroMknBM3KI/AAAAAAAACtA/w30E0HSCpUY/s1600/wackyraces18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WtCuRgyShCU/TroMknBM3KI/AAAAAAAACtA/w30E0HSCpUY/s320/wackyraces18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh thanks, Dick Dastardly. That road is the only way some of these small towns in Arkansas <br />
can get contact from the outside world. Thanks a whole damn lot.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unfortunately, Lady Luck does not smile upon men who wear train engineer hats, so Pat Pending isn't at all deterred by some measly boulders. Instead, he turns his car into a hot air balloon (don't ask me how; he's just that great of a scientist) and just makes his way into the lead, powered only by the speed of his own awesome. It's time for me to break out my wads of cash and start making bets over who's going to win, like the Action for Children's Television organization thinks this show makes kids do. Yes, seriously, <i>this show got criticized for promoting gambling. <br />
</i><br />
<br />
...also, I hate the fact that Pat Pending is so honest and is going to follow the road anyways, because if he has a completely working aircraft in a car race, he can basically just float over everybody while flashing the middle finger to The Red Max. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qmi27bz1nuc/TroMlAgsCjI/AAAAAAAACtI/QBh6aBoWpe8/s1600/wackyraces19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qmi27bz1nuc/TroMlAgsCjI/AAAAAAAACtI/QBh6aBoWpe8/s320/wackyraces19.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yep, I'm just going to let this boulders continue blocking the road! Eat it, locals!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In fact, Pat's vehicle is so awesome that this is where we get our first commercial break. It's kind of an awkwardly placed commercial break, because it happens right after Pat Pending turns his balloon back into a car, especially since I've grown up in an era where every cartoon had some sort of cliffhanger-y situation before fading out to commercials of Pound Puppies. My generation needed the hooks because we were filled with sugar, preservatives, and ADHD, you see. This cartoon, though, it came from a simpler time. <br />
<br />
I also just noticed that it's nearly halfway through the episode and not once have I spotted Rufus in his Buzzwagon anywhere. And Red Max has been missing since he fell off that bridge. I'm finding their absence deeply unsettling.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_IG4zeyVmIo/TroMlVPWlEI/AAAAAAAACtQ/3Kq9AW-E7Rc/s1600/wackyraces20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_IG4zeyVmIo/TroMlVPWlEI/AAAAAAAACtQ/3Kq9AW-E7Rc/s320/wackyraces20.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xJT3RtTuBVc/TroMlvrWp3I/AAAAAAAACtY/miYeQ5AYIkc/s1600/wackyraces21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xJT3RtTuBVc/TroMlvrWp3I/AAAAAAAACtY/miYeQ5AYIkc/s320/wackyraces21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nobody likes a showoff, Pat Pending.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When we come back, we find who else but the Ant Hill Mob, hopelessly lost and their car still in great shape even though we last saw it careening down a very windy mountain road without any drivers. But hey, they got rid of the cops at least, so they don't seem to mind too much they're getting pretty close to True Grit country. Oddly, this part of the cartoon looks the most like how I'd picture Arkansas; a tree-filled place full of rocks and somehow devoid of intelligent life. And if anyone asks why I hold such disdain for Arkansas, it's because I'm on the West Coast and therefore am required to make fun of any state situated in The Bible Belt.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5KZtVMTM0Sg/TroMl-9FpuI/AAAAAAAACtg/ffQbnYkpoew/s1600/wackyraces22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5KZtVMTM0Sg/TroMl-9FpuI/AAAAAAAACtg/ffQbnYkpoew/s320/wackyraces22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ya sure dis is where ya buried the stiffs, Clyde?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>They keep driving (and not once do they use their stupid "Getaway Power", as nature intended) until they spot a shack in the middle of nowhere. Since the mafia is too concerned about maintaining their gangster cliches in order to be savvy to horror movie cliches, the mob leader tells them to dump the car and hide out in the shack until the heat blows over. Because yeah, a house in the middle of a thick forest in the middle of Arkansas, with the only connection to the outside world being a single unpaved road. There's no way this could go wrong! <br />
<br />
...and now I just realized that I kind of need a horror movie with this premise in my life. There's too many films where college students or drunken teenagers find a mysterious shack in the middle of the woods only to get picked off one by one by the monster; they can totally make a fresh spin on the horror genre by having the victims be a gang of mobsters. I guarantee it will kill at the box office.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ct6Z0-VkHdw/TroMmC1YGgI/AAAAAAAACto/DwoMby-LrSw/s1600/wackyraces23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ct6Z0-VkHdw/TroMmC1YGgI/AAAAAAAACto/DwoMby-LrSw/s320/wackyraces23.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Or it turns out the house is occupied by porridge eating bears. Either way, they're screwed.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unfortunately, they're not going to take this shack idea and make it into a horror situation. Nope. Instead, they're going to go into a whole weird area and have the cartoon devolve into absolute insanity. Brace yourself, because I'm going to type one of the stupidest sentences that will ever make its way onto this site. <br />
<br />
It turns out the Ant Hill Mob found the house of the Seven Dwarfs.<br />
<br />
Excuse me. I'm going to repeat what I just said. The Ant Hill Mob found the house of the Seven Dwarfs. <i>Mobsters found the house of the Seven Dwarfs.</i> In Arkansas. The famous dwarfs in the storybook live in Arkansas of all places. <br />
<br />
...what. WHAT. You lost me, cartoon.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZtvmpHhXBwc/TroMmbexC3I/AAAAAAAACtw/nCqnn-e6roE/s1600/wackyraces24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZtvmpHhXBwc/TroMmbexC3I/AAAAAAAACtw/nCqnn-e6roE/s320/wackyraces24.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh geez, <i>the eye-searing pain.</i> Take a color theory class, colorists!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The midget gangsters are just a-okay with discovering the house of some mythical creatures, probably because the famous Seven Dwarfs are often depicted as precious gem miners and are therefore just loaded with cash. But then they hear someone driving, so they decide they're going to dress up in the outfits and pretend they're the Seven Dwarfs in order to hide their identities. <br />
<br />
Uh, cartoon? I have a question. <i>What does this have to do with Arkansas?</i> I was expecting like lumber mills, Little Rock, or the Mississippi River. Not criminals dressing up like fairy tale creatures. Even if I did like the little animation they do where the gang just kind of splits up and runs in multiple directions.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xscBWay9ORU/TroMmipROBI/AAAAAAAACt4/vW43peXUWhg/s1600/wackyraces25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xscBWay9ORU/TroMmipROBI/AAAAAAAACt4/vW43peXUWhg/s320/wackyraces25.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"If only we had some sort of gun to defend ourselves!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Luckily, the cops don't show up (probably because that cop on the motorcycle careened off that twisty mountain road and died), but rather Penelope Pitstop, who says "Oh no, I'm lost!" in a really thick Southern drawl. I'm not a big watcher of this show, so for some reason, I always seem to forget that Penelope Pitstop has an accent. <br />
<br />
Also, Penelope? Abandoned shack in the middle of nowhere. You probably shouldn't be driving up to it and knocking on the door. Just saying...<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5b4GqBBFrPo/Tro0-pukfFI/AAAAAAAACuM/VxWva9zmwZE/s1600/wackyraces.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5b4GqBBFrPo/Tro0-pukfFI/AAAAAAAACuM/VxWva9zmwZE/s320/wackyraces.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You know, logically, if they're really off-course and stopping at houses, they should be <br />
disqualified from the race...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So she bursts right into the cottage (she knocks and then opens the door, rendering her knocking kind of pointless) and finds seven very ugly, mean-looking dwarfs with Chicago accents, bright purple suits, and greasy complexions. And oh god, <i>I can't believe I'm watching this</i>. She finds them adorable though (and they kind of are, in an ugly sort of way), and even asks them if they're really the seven dwarfs like she heard in the stories. Penelope isn't too bright, I've noticed. <br />
<br />
I sure hope the real Seven Dwarfs don't mind that some smelly crooks stole their clothing in order to hide from the law. Even if they look just darling in those little hats.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wom1VDcBTPI/Tro0-1NVWlI/AAAAAAAACuU/ef7018fdm8A/s1600/wackyraces1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wom1VDcBTPI/Tro0-1NVWlI/AAAAAAAACuU/ef7018fdm8A/s320/wackyraces1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm just picturing the Seven Dwarfs just slaving away for hours, making sure that <br />
their house is the perfect shade of retina-searing orange.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Even though Penelope just kind of accepts that they're The Seven Dwarfs, the mobsters even prove that they're full of happiness and whimsy by dancing around. What then takes place just defies all known words in the English language. If there's a scene that justifies this entire episode's existence, it's definitely this scene. And now I have a new ringtone. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iEW5-eEljng/Tro0_KzIDPI/AAAAAAAACuc/CDPYQSvBZS8/s1600/wackyraces2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iEW5-eEljng/Tro0_KzIDPI/AAAAAAAACuc/CDPYQSvBZS8/s320/wackyraces2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Mobsters.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The gangster dwarfs, after they strut their stuff, give Penelope the wrong directions (because they're mean), and then that's when Dick Dastardly shows up, even though it makes absolutely no sense why he'd even be going down this road in the first place. All they have to do is dance a second time (reusing the piece of animation, but considering how genius it is, I just flat out don't care) and he too thinks that he's looking at real Disney celebrities here. I love how none of the racers can recognize the Ant Hill Mob just because they're dressed differently. What if it's laundry day?<br />
<br />
Also, it's mighty convenient there were seven mobsters for seven dwarfs. It probably would've ruined the illusion if there was only six of them or if they had one guy too many and he had to prance around in his underwear. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Jw1IZ2ZkCqo/Tro0_a0sDQI/AAAAAAAACuk/QVgrUUdx-fg/s1600/wackyraces3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Jw1IZ2ZkCqo/Tro0_a0sDQI/AAAAAAAACuk/QVgrUUdx-fg/s320/wackyraces3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I hate street performers."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Dick Dastardly hates midgets, so he ruthlessly insults them and then has the gall to ask for directions. <br />
<br />
Oh, they gave him directions alright.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V1cHu54enM8/Tro0_lqt2UI/AAAAAAAACus/lrZAsfqJY6M/s1600/wackyraces4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V1cHu54enM8/Tro0_lqt2UI/AAAAAAAACus/lrZAsfqJY6M/s320/wackyraces4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They seem trustworthy enough...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This ends up with Dick stuck in a giant mud hole that's somehow bright orange. Nice coloring job there!<br />
<br />
Looking back on the situation, it's actually kind of dark if you sit and dwell on about it. What looks like a harmless sight gag is honestly how some people die whenever there's a mud slide or if someone accidentally drives their car into mud deep enough to suck the vehicle under. And The Ant Hill Mob drives up to this giant patch of mud and laughs as two people they know are hopelessly trapped in their vehicle and are sinking at a pretty fast rate thanks to directions they gave the poor sap. There's even a long scene where Muttley laughs, delirious from the lack of oxygen, while his face disappears underneath the mud. It's pretty chilling.<br />
<br />
Yes, we're basically watching criminals murder someone in cold blood and then drive off laughing. <i>And they get away with it. </i>Ladies and gentlemen, <i>this</i> is why The Ant Hill Mob is amazing.<br />
<i> </i><i><br />
</i><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Vyx-1SbFvCQ/Tro0_3ZG9dI/AAAAAAAACu0/Slii7gFSK28/s1600/wackyraces5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Vyx-1SbFvCQ/Tro0_3ZG9dI/AAAAAAAACu0/Slii7gFSK28/s320/wackyraces5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ironically, they make better villains than the show's designated villain. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>But we can't dwell too much on homicide. Back to racing! Look, the racers somehow got stuck in a clover leaf, one of those road structures that I honestly only see in cartoons, in an area that doesn't look at all like the same place they were driving through earlier. That should get your mind off the fact we just saw Dick Dastardly and Muttley suffocate in mud!<br />
<br />
Also, the looping animation for several different tracks creates the optical illusion that some of the racers somehow manifested doppelganger cars on the roads. And as a Mario Kart racer who just hated Rainbow Road in Mario Kart Wii, just looking at that clover leaf and its lack of guard rails makes me cringe.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rEwSjfTyXY4/Tro1AF6R1HI/AAAAAAAACu8/CZ79NshbURk/s1600/wackyraces6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rEwSjfTyXY4/Tro1AF6R1HI/AAAAAAAACu8/CZ79NshbURk/s320/wackyraces6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You know what Dick Dastardly needs? A blue shell.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>How did this happen? Well, turns out our loveable little scoundrel and his chuckling dog somehow defied all laws of time, space, and logic and were able to confuse the drivers by hiding the exit sign, even though we clearly saw them sink in a mud hole. What the <i>hell</i>, Dick Dastardly? Literally like five seconds ago, you were dying! You were incapacitated! Now you somehow got ahead of the racers and can rig the sign? How does <i>that </i>make sense? <br />
<br />
Oh right. Hannah-Barbera. They never make sense. I should probably just not dwell on it too much, unless you want to hear my theory on how there are really multiple Dick Dastardlys (either clones or just insane cult members) placed at given points of every single race because of some sort of secret organization trying to put an end to the Wacky Races. Shut up, I'm totally right.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t3wiD5swKag/Tro1AUx7gZI/AAAAAAAACvE/IEpf_hgjHxU/s1600/wackyraces7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t3wiD5swKag/Tro1AUx7gZI/AAAAAAAACvE/IEpf_hgjHxU/s320/wackyraces7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh geez, his chin is shaped like a boot.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>...course, he demonstrates his ingenious plan by turning the sign around, thus negating his own trap. Such is the life of a cartoon villain, I guess.<br />
<br />
And how did we go from a heavily wooded area with cottages, dwarfs, and crap to a giant metropolis with sprawling road structures? Man, Arkansas can do <i>anything!</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YUQQj_gSZjs/Tro1AsYvHMI/AAAAAAAACvM/kCAro3g-sE4/s1600/wackyraces8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YUQQj_gSZjs/Tro1AsYvHMI/AAAAAAAACvM/kCAro3g-sE4/s320/wackyraces8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You know, I could just be taking advantage of my giant lead and driving my racing vehicle over the finish line, <br />
but I'd rather give away my entire villain scheme and look like an idiot."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>After that nonsense, we get a pretty long scene with Rufus and Sawtooth where they have a major lead in front of the other guys because...I don't know really, to be honest. Don't ever try to approach this cartoon and try to make any sense of who's in front of and behind what, because you <i>will</i> get lost. Plus where would the fun be if, say, Pat Pending got in the lead and stayed there? <br />
<br />
Anyways, this scene kind of defies words, because it's just so bizarre and out there. Rufus runs over some road bumps (notice how we're back at heavily wooded areas and unpaved roads again?) and the car starts to fall apart, so Sawtooth has to hammer it back together like some sort of miracle levitating beaver thing. And then he spends way too long trying to pull a nail out of a lumberjack's ass. This scene just gave me cancer. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OSZD4SoWp_0/Tro13hJgUMI/AAAAAAAACvU/ZFy_KDfJS30/s1600/wackyraces9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OSZD4SoWp_0/Tro13hJgUMI/AAAAAAAACvU/ZFy_KDfJS30/s320/wackyraces9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7y9N28iFRWk/Tro13-uZnYI/AAAAAAAACvc/OSfy4c6t3jk/s1600/wackyraces10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7y9N28iFRWk/Tro13-uZnYI/AAAAAAAACvc/OSfy4c6t3jk/s320/wackyraces10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gentlemen, do that <i>after </i>the race! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Once the other racers make it back into the show and we get into the home stretch, the animators pull out all the stops and try to use as much stock footage as they can, pulling out all the different racers' gimmicks in an attempt to drum up excitement. And that means a copious use of the word "Power" in describing what each car is doing.<br />
<br />
Again, I'm just going to point out the powers that I find extremely noteworthy, and in this segment. There's two of them. The first one is "Bat Power", used by what else but the Creepy Coupe. It involves the little vampire actually getting out of the vehicle, attaching cables to his stomach, jumping out of the car, and flapping his arms while flipping the bird to Issac Newton. <br />
<br />
Why am I noting it? Because just picture what happens if he happens to get tired and falls to the ground. Vampires can be killed in many ways, and I'm sure getting run over at racing speeds is one of them.<br />
<br />
...and how the hell is he handling the sunlight?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-n-6E3QZoWHk/Tro14NLzYsI/AAAAAAAACvk/YHgMi-v574c/s1600/wackyraces11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-n-6E3QZoWHk/Tro14NLzYsI/AAAAAAAACvk/YHgMi-v574c/s320/wackyraces11.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, thanks for not helping and just sitting there!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Okay, one of the drivers getting out of his car and pulling it along by flying is sort of weird. What can possibly top that?<br />
<br />
Allow Peter Perfect to answer that question for you.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QzxELnuF3KI/Tro14VmQsqI/AAAAAAAACvs/TYt9c31R9vY/s1600/wackyraces12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QzxELnuF3KI/Tro14VmQsqI/AAAAAAAACvs/TYt9c31R9vY/s320/wackyraces12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"My rigid grill structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo door."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But then, before any racer can get to the finish line, a train crosses the road! And it's littered with H & B signs in a bizarre attempt at brainwashing us into watching more Hannah-Barbera!<br />
<br />
What kind of confused me is the announcer's distress at this train and the fact that now none of the racers will ever get to the finish line now. Uh, unless the train stops and sits there, it's bound to pass through eventually. Not sure why this is a problem.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oQZELrbiE20/Tro14oQzCNI/AAAAAAAACv0/l1-4eLB6IN4/s1600/wackyraces13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oQZELrbiE20/Tro14oQzCNI/AAAAAAAACv0/l1-4eLB6IN4/s320/wackyraces13.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Everybody`s doing a brand new dance now,<br />
(Come on baby, do The Loco-Motion)<br />
I know you`ll get to like it if you give it a chance now...</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh wait, nevermind, the train's just going to stop (and what about all of that cargo that needs to be shipped?) and open up a hole big enough for all the racers to drive through, and even gives us some closure in the form of Penelope Pitstop being in the cabin, hitching a ride after she followed the mob's lousy directions. I guess that solves both those problems efficiently. <br />
<br />
And Dick Dastardly happens to get run over by every single rider, because he was stupid enough to be on the other side of the tracks and <i>still </i>not take advantage of the fact that he's in the lead. Dude, seriously, the whole point of you cheating is so that you get an unfair advantage, right? So why don't you hop in your car and actually drive after you get your advantage? You had a train stop the other contestants! You had a big enough opening to cross the finish line and get first place! <br />
<br />
Now I know what Dick Dastardly's gimmick is. He's supposed to teach the young children watching this how to swear at their TV. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ep8q7hqWkM4/Tro14wR2p2I/AAAAAAAACv8/4oL47yeihVk/s1600/wackyraces14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ep8q7hqWkM4/Tro14wR2p2I/AAAAAAAACv8/4oL47yeihVk/s320/wackyraces14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love how Rufus's reaction to a man in front of his vehicle is to drive faster. What an ass.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>And, in a bizarre twist, Dick Dastardly, after getting run over by every single racer and being in dead last, is able to make it to the front. Yes, really! One moment, he's on the ground, dying from multiple bone fractures and the fact that he got run over ten times by ten different vehicles including an army tank and a car made out of splinters and death, and the next moment, he's in the front. Go figure. <br />
<br />
But hey, at least he's actually driving instead of getting out of the vehicle and pulling out his binoculars. <br />
<br />
In fact, he's even tied with...wait a second, <i>Red Max</i>? But he fell into a ravine and disappeared for most of the episode! Get back in last place where you belong, Red Max. Nobody likes you or your stupid laugh! <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LL08iq_wwpE/Tro15BDhaZI/AAAAAAAACwE/U169QuSATlY/s1600/wackyraces15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LL08iq_wwpE/Tro15BDhaZI/AAAAAAAACwE/U169QuSATlY/s320/wackyraces15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now would be a good time to actually use your power-ups, guys! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>It all falls down to a photo finish, and wouldn't you know it, Boring Waste of Space and his crappy red vehicle that makes children cry won. Because I guess he's sleeping with the director or something. From my viewpoint, it's radically and disgustingly unfair that a character that got one short scene in the very beginning of the episode should get the first place win. Going off of character interactions alone, The Ant Hill Mob should've won. Don't tell me they danced like the Seven Dwarfs and aren't even going to place in the Top Three, cartoon!<br />
<br />
Although I should be happy the Creepy Coupe got second place and Rufus got third. I'm pretty sure an episode where The Red Max, those boring army guys, and The Slag Brothers all take the top three spots would be an episode devoid of all that is wholesome and good, an abomination designed to suck out the happiness out of everything.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qjBABskTK2s/Tro15RxxeoI/AAAAAAAACwM/s8FXugX8WHM/s1600/wackyraces16.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qjBABskTK2s/Tro15RxxeoI/AAAAAAAACwM/s8FXugX8WHM/s320/wackyraces16.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You know what else is sad? The fact that the Arkansas Chuggabug can't even win a race in its native state.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, and Dick Dastardly was disqualified because when he heard there was going to be a photo finish, he stopped his car and let his picture get taken. Hah hah, it's funny because this bad guy has multiple opportunities to win but he just craps it up for himself. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F7EP_yRPjr0/Tro15VLL37I/AAAAAAAACwU/LRGs-xvzITs/s1600/wackyraces17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F7EP_yRPjr0/Tro15VLL37I/AAAAAAAACwU/LRGs-xvzITs/s320/wackyraces17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's kind of poetic. He loses to his own ego.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>With that, we end this race and this show, closing a chapter on what it's like to watch dwarfs in Arkansas and soaking up the strange, bizarre wonder that is, in fact, Wacky Races. But before we go, let's bask in the glorious handsomeness that is Dick Dastardly. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AiZF7CKMiHk/Tro151p0fDI/AAAAAAAACwc/F3wYuzjJCYE/s1600/wackyraces18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AiZF7CKMiHk/Tro151p0fDI/AAAAAAAACwc/F3wYuzjJCYE/s320/wackyraces18.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"TOO BAD. DICK DASTARDLY TIME."</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<hr /><br />
<b>The Moral of this Cartoon</b><br />
If you come across a house in the middle of Arkansas full of little men in purple outfits, dancing around and claiming they're The Seven Dwarfs while using thick Chicago accents, call the cops. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Final Verdict<br />
</b><br />
Well, okay, obviously this cartoon is outdated in several areas, but it's considered a classic for a reason.<br />
<br />
Wacky Races is one of those shows I like to call "dated but timeless". It's kind of a oxymoron, but hear me out. This is a show that you'll instantly get everything regardless of what decade it is, but the animation instantly places it in the Hannah-Barbera age. I feel it's a great example of what was being produced in this era, and for the most part, the jokes still work. <br />
<br />
Plus think of it this way. I was way more embarrassed rewatching He-Man than I was watching this show, which is twenty years older than He-Man. Think about that.<br />
<br />
I like that, for a cartoon about racing, there are segments in the cartoon that aren't about the actual race. As you can tell from the beginning and the ending, just watching cars doing various gimmicks isn't very exciting, so the fact that we actually see the Ant Hill Mob getting pursued by cops or the Dick Dastardly plots is really fun. But again, it relies on how much you can stomach recycled footage, sort of formulaic plots (Dick Dastardly must always cheat), and Hannah-Barbera level physics and physical humor. <br />
<br />
Really, you just have to approach this with the fact that it's a made-for-TV production from the 1960's. Animation has evolved since then and has no need for so much recycling, but for what it's worth, they do quite a lot with what they have. Quite a few of the characters are really fun and I really like the art design coupled with the character and vehicle designs. Hell, the fact that you can tell all the vehicles and characters apart when there's so many should speak wonders for how good this character design still reads. <br />
<br />
So again, like Scooby-Doo, don't expected fully inbetweened works of art that present subtle political commentary and constantly hang a lampshade on what is cartoon physics, but if you're looking for a fun way to burn 10 minutes, by all means, watch an episode. It's a great 60's show.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com