So you know what? I'm going to cover a show that's only two years old.
You'd think with the advent of the Internet, less shows would escape notice. You'd think with more people coming out of the "I like cartoons and I'm over 18!" closet on the Internet, no animated series would be left unturned. Unfortunately, a lot of shows do, leading several people to believe that there just aren't as many cartoons as there were in the 90's. (which is actually sort of true, but still) You'd be surprised, but there are actually quite a few modern shows that ended up just like Creepy Crawlers; they surface, have a couple episodes, and then sink back into the mud pool of obscurity in which they were birthed from.
One such show is Spliced, a Teletoon cartoon that was barely even in the United States. Considering that at one point in time Teletoon cartoons had infested Cartoon Network like a bad infestation of fleas (remember Stoked, 6Teen, and those Total Drama shows that all looked exactly the same? I mean those), I'm actually rather surprised that Cartoon Network did NOT pick up the Teletoon show that wasn't produced by the same company. But then again, these are the same people who greenlit Problem Solverz and yet refused to renew Megas XLR, Robotomy, and Sym-bionic Titan so I have reason to believe that whoever runs Cartoon Network decided that brains weren't hipster and random enough and had them surgically removed.
Otherwise I'm going to have to come to grips that some person, who thinks and breathes just like you and I, thought that CN Real was a mighty good idea and would totally enhance the network.
|It wasn't and it didn't.|
|What has science done!?|
I figure the best way to look at this show is the first episode, and since this show is like Heathcliff in that it's divided into 11 minute segments, I'll look at the second segment of the first episode. Why the second segment? Because it introduces more of the characters than the first one and because I personally liked it better than the first segment. My cartoon blog, my rules.
Anyways, I present you a cartoon where one of the main characters has a giant udder for feet, a cartoon that goes from charming buddy adventure to a survival horror. I give you...
|I know they just reused the cartoon's clip art, but I like that they did this.|
Airdate: September 19, 2009
Availability: Online Only (or still in reruns, depending on the territory)
The episode opens by first showing the audience the map of the three main islands the mad scientist had mutated animals to have near-human intelligence, one of which having a very large mountain. The camera zooms in on the first island:
Oh come on, I can't be the only one thinking of Crash Bandicoot. You can almost hear the Naughty Dog music when you look at this map.
|I might as well link the music I'm thinking of.|
|"Legends of the Hidden Temple! With your guide Kirk Fogg!"|
|What's even more disturbing is that Entree eats meat in this show when|
he's related to every major food animal. Try not to think about it too much.
Their fun ends when the laser blows up, narrowly killing both of them. I'm...personally not sure how they made the death ray blow up just by hammering the buttons wildly. Safety regulations are not an issue with mad scientists, it seems.
|You know Sonic's done this to Robotnik's machines at least once.|
|Flash animation with actual distortion and anticipation? I thought|
those only existed in fairy tales.
|Where would we be without gratuitous violence in children's cartoons?|
|That evil scientist was an artist too. Who knew?|
But there's a small problem. Neither Peri and Entree know how to read, catering perfectly to the children of 2009. They're going to need help from another experiment that isn't a total idiot like they are.
|Pictured: Not a total idiot like they are|
His name? Mister Smarty Smarts. I'm not kidding. To be fair, Dr. Wily named all of his highly advanced killer robots of mass destruction really stupid names like Cut Man and Guts Man and no one ever called him out on that. Except me. Because Mega Man is really frustrating to play now.
Just so that the audience knows that Mister Smarty Smarts (it's a stupid name but man is it fun to type) is both evil, part dolphin, and part chimp, his first scene involves him talking about how his giant killer robot will wreck havoc across the entire island while he plays with an organ grinder and emits The Stock Dolphin Noise at random. Mister Smarty Smarts knows how to multitask.
|What really happened to Robot Jones.|
|The writer of this blog will never get 100% in Crash 1.|
And again, I have a question for the mad scientist responsible for these beasts. What use would grafting a cat's head to an octopus serve? It seems like a really cruel joke to deprive an octopus of its ability to swim underwater.
|Sword Of Octopi, give me sight BEYOND sight.|
...huh. I've watched this scene over five times in an attempt to figure out what the hell is going on, and I still can't tell you what Octocat's doing here.
|No, really, what happened during this scene? I'd like to know, cartoon writers.|
Mister Smarty Smarts also has a delightful taste in table decor. They often hint towards this in the show, but our evil little dolphin aberration also has a sensitive side. As evidenced by the fact that he looks like he's perpetually pissed off by his own existence.
|Double dates are always hell.|
|The cover art for High School Musical 4: Post Nuclear Fallout edition.|
Through some well-placed "Meows", suddenly Mister Smarty Smarts breaks down and cries that he really doesn't know how to read and that he was living a terrible lie all this time. Octocat must really have a way with those "Meows", because Mister Smarty Smarts goes from this:
In a really short amount of time. Octocat's brutal.
But Mister Smarty Smarts' illiteracy isn't the focus on the plot. Peri and Entree are the stars of the show, and we find ourselves basking in the warm glow of both their friendship and their idiocy as they take their relationship up a notch. They even do some freestyle rap to show how awesome they are as friends, all while Peri steals ice cream and spontaneously generates clothing just to suit the random whims of his fat porksteak of a friend. I wish my friends were like Peri, because a sweater with my first initial on it would come in handy right about now.
|Entree, now's a good time to change the locks on your house.|
I will say this. I remember actually watching this show for the first time and it honest to god took me four episodes before I realized that Two Legs Joe was a mutant in that he was missing two of his species's legs. I seriously thought that the only reason he was considered "spliced" like everyone else is because there was a bird sticking out of his ass. Four episodes. When he's named Two Legs Joe. Clearly I fail at biology here.
|At some point, they gave the character designer a bunch of expired pixie stix|
and just let him run wild.
Suddenly, friendship montage with a scrapbook motif! Because we haven't seen one of those before in a cartoon, right?
|A friend is a friend|
'til the end of the end...
...okay, why does the scientist have a dance club? Judging by the intro, there was only one scientist on that entire island. That's kind of depressing, picturing some crazy doctor constructing a giant disco room even though he knows he's going to be the only one that will ever use it...
|It's written somewhere that EVERY animated anything needs at least one dance scene.|
This is exactly what happens with Entree and Peri. Peri slowly realizes that Entree is the reason for his existence and suddenly goes all survival horror video game villain on Entree. The cartoon even uses things like psycho strings and Peri turning his head 360 degrees like that possessed girl in the Exorcist. Arguably it works, because the same smiles Peri was giving the Entree throughout the whole episode suddenly turn into the smile of a madman with the right atmosphere.
|Peri's got a network bug stuck in his eye.|
A grill. His house is a grill mixed with many different cooking instruments and his bed is a grill. That doctor was obviously trying to condition Entree into accepting his inevitable fate of having his flesh seared to a delicious well-done state and to be served to the doctor and his close friends. That's pretty disturbing there, Mr. Scientist.
One teleporting Peri later, Entree tries to explain that he needs some alone time. He tosses Peri out, but then the music turns all horror movie-ish as he hears strange, unexplained noises come from his fridge. He...okay, I'll sum up what happens next since I suck at writing in the slasher thriller style. Fridge is empty, Peri's really attached to the door, and Entree goes to bed suffering from an anxiety attack.
|"I'm every nightmare you've ever had. I'm your worst dream come true. |
I'm everything you ever were afraid of. We all float down here, Entree!"
|The cartoon only shows Entree from the waist up because he's silently|
crapping himself right about now.
Now we're in the middle of the night, and Peri wakes up to find Entree missing from his bed and a trail of feathers leading outside. I guess that whole "disguising yourself as a pillow so that Entree can press his sleeping form against your flesh" was a bit much for him. Course, to Peri, Entree's just playing the game called "Follow the Feather". You know, because Peri's totally insane.
|"A few more feathers and I can build an Entree shrine."|
...and I have no idea what the hell I just typed.
|"You're telling the story all wrong! The man had a hook for a hand!"|
Probably not a good sign that this cartoon has had two of its main characters go absolutely insane, but hey, if this is wrong, I don't want to be right.
|I am incredibly disappointed that there are no Internet creepypastas associated with this cartoon.|
I've noticed that this cartoon is pretty awesome once it loses itself in its own insanity. If you ever wanted a reason why I watch Spliced, just look at Entree there.
|And this, my friends, is why I love the animation genre so much.|
How does this happen? Well, Peri wakes up to find himself permanently attached to Entree's back with his hands missing, essentially making him a grotesque orange talking growth sprouting out of a cowpigchickenshrimp's back. Whatever the writers were smoking, they should probably give it to a government lab for testing. Clearly that stuff's not safe for human consumption.
|I'm not even sure what I'm watching anymore.|
...geez, that's like six species.
In Wacky Hijinks Scene 1, Entree quickly learns the use of a rodent attached to his body by molding Peri into the shape of a fabulous hairdo the moment he sees an attractive lizardhorse (at this point I don't even care what strange combinations I report). This obviously doesn't work, because if you have a hairdo, usually it doesn't sprout eyeballs and moan in sickening pain.
|"Every moment I live...is AGONY!"|
|How is Peri still alive.|
|How does Entree not feel any of this!?|
|All scientists have disco ball options on their lab rays of mass evil. ALL OF THEM.|
|The drinking game for modern cartoons: Take a shot whenever there's a Gross Closeup (tm).|
|I wonder if the scientist predicted that his creations would go insane and turn on each other like this.|
No, because Entree ripped the pages out of the journal and used it as toliet paper, defying all known laws of physics and breaking the speed of sound by how fast he mysteriously rips out those papers and goes to the bathroom off-screen.
|Entree's also part Charmin Bear.|
The Moral of this Cartoon
The best way to fight off a terrifying stalker is to temporarily fuse them to your body and by inflicting a grievous amount of pain on them until they're sick and tired of you.
This is a very strange and insane cartoon, but I like it. I like it a lot.
It's hard for me to like Flash cartoons because a lot of networks view the flash format as an way to be lazy and not give the animation the love and care it really deserves. Spliced is one of the better flash cartoons I've seen and it's the closest I've seen a flash cartoon actually get almost to 2D Animation level. That's huge in my book. Dare I say it, but the animation's smoother and more flexible than the flash cartoon everyone says is "The Flash cartoon with beautiful animation"; My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Watch as my hits soar the moment I mention this name.
It's got a strange brand of humor that I bet isn't for everyone, but I personally got a kick out of the characters. Mister Smarty Smarts in particular is pretty hilarious, and this is one of the few cartoons where they do the Spongebob and Patrick dynamic in their main heroes but it doesn't get annoying. It helps that the island setting with its many abandoned labs and the infinite possibilities for mutated creatures instantly means that the material doesn't get old and is open for plenty of future situations.
So yes, this is a recent show I actually liked (despite the fact that I've been told by a couple people that I'm "stuck in the past" and hate everything that's came out after the year 2001) and I'm actually kind of sad that this show didn't get put on one of the bigger networks with its Teletoon cousins, therefore granting it the audience it needed to survive longer than two seasons.