Creepy Crawlers - Attack Of the Fifty Foot Googengrime

Episode 1-Night of the Creepy Crawlers
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I had to pull out this show again for several reasons, but the main reason was that I noticed that since there's only like four episodes online in a language I can understand (because hell no, I'm not watching something off of Rutube and then try to make any coherent sense out of it), this would be the easiest series to write about all of the available goop-filled, creepy crawly, nonsensical episodes.

I sometimes entertain the notion that I'll have this blog ten years from now and will one day review and overanalyze, say, every single available episode of Darkwing Duck or The Mask: The Animated Series, but another part of me knows that will never ever happen because I'm just one person and my interest in ducks or strange green-faced shapeshifters can only go so far.

But come on, only four existing episodes of a cracktastic series? That'd be cake.

Part of me still has trouble believing this actually exists.

I went with this episode first as opposed to, say, one closer in order (which involves giant zombie bees and important character introductions) because, to be frank, this begged to be written. I built my entire blog just so I can write about craziness like this. It's got a little bit of everything, but mostly, I have to point at the title and tell you that this seriously exists, that the writers seriously thought that this was a good idea and they had people draw storyboards for this.

In short, the 90's! Because if you want to see a jade green skeleton dance around while wearing a monocle, bugs imitate Beavis and Butthead, and a five story wizard with the chin the size of Kuwait yell about Goopmandos and little dips, then there's going to be a cartoon to accommodate for your strange, strange needs.

But really, nothing more needs to be said other than the title at this point. No, really. I can't even warn you for the unbridled insanity that cold, heartless merchandising inflicted on small children in the early 90's other than mentioning that this is...

Attack Of the Fifty Foot Googengrime

I kind of wish they recreated that classic 50's movie poster for the title screen.

Airdate: February 14th, 1995

Availability: Online Only

Before I even jump into this simmering cauldron of crazy ideas and illegal chemicals, I just want to note the date that this episode premiered. Yes, that's right, this episode first aired on Valentine's Day, therefore making this episode this series's Valentine's Day special. Watch how grossly inappropriate this distinction becomes in just a few moments.

Anyways, we find ourselves magically teleported to Nameless City's local planetarium, immediately making me jealous because I don't have a planetarium where I live. Inside this place of interstellar scientific study, Chris Carter (aka our dork kid protagonist) is disobeying the rules placed in this public facility by running around like an idiot and having races with his so-not-a-girlfriend friend, Sammy. Because hey, it's not like planetariums have sensitive, space-reading equipment that can get damaged by reckless horseplay or anything.

...also, is this a school field trip or are they doing an after-school project? Since the background consists of only a scientist and three random kids, it's hard to say.

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me running?
Can you hear me running, can you hear me calling you?

Now slow down, blog writer, you might be saying. Who's Sammy? Well, she got introduced in an earlier episode that involves her moving into the house next door and then later getting captured by Googengrime, because Googengrime likes to play things by the book. She's now the female lead in this show, because every show needs at least one chick or else children will get all confused and wonder if this takes place in an alternate universe where there's only one gender and people reproduce by cloning. Sammy doesn't do much other than have two X chromosomes, get hit on by the male leads, get kidnapped, and then complain that she gets kidnapped, but that's okay because she's a tomboy. I mean, look at her. She's wearing pants and a baseball cap!

And, since one of Chris's pastimes is to talk in exposition, Chris says he aced that race (sigh) just like he's going to ace his report on the solar system. Since Chris is doing a report on something as complex a concept as "the solar system", this means that he's still struggling to graduate the fifth grade. Poor dumb kid.

...how old are these kids anyways? I know Chris had a job in an earlier episode, but it wouldn't be out of character for Googengrime to ignore child labor laws.

So they just let unsupervised teenagers play around with the giant telescope?

Unfortunately, Chris can't even study celestial bodies without giant arthropods getting all up in his personal space and annoying him with their godawful presence. Why look, it's those goofy, easily marketable Goopmandos that you can find at any toy store for the affordable price of 7.99! (at least, at the time this aired, you could. I've seen Volt Jolt go for 50 dollars on eBay) And they're disrespecting delicate scientific property!

But don't worry, since the bugs are in their "human disguises" (aka, they're wearing clothes), everything's totally cool. I like how the moment a giant orange bug with four arms and sharp claws slaps on a hat and a tacky Hawaiian shirt, everyone assumes that it's just a really ugly man with a hideous physical deformity. Doesn't explain why no one's complaining that this tourist was just climbing all over the telescope and telescope lens, but hey, he's wearing pants, so no harm here.

Hocus Locust can pull some pretty successful troll faces.

Chris's reaction to giant sentient bug monsters following him everywhere, bugging him when he's doing schoolwork, and puking 90's references all over the place (Hocus Locust mentions Madonna and Jerry Lewis in a "star-gazing" ramble, making me hate his existence that much more) is less than positive. I love how even the main characters are embarrassed by these tools. Sammy averts her eyes like she's trying to pretend that she doesn't know anyone here while Chris stares in disbelief at this slew of unfunny lines.

Also, I wonder if we would've gotten an action figure with Hocus Locust in a Hawaiian shirt if this show didn't completely fail in gaining an audience.

"You seriously made a Madonna reference? Really?"

And, just when Chris's life couldn't possibly get any worse, guess who decides that, since this show is suffering from a major dork overdose, they're going to disregard traffic laws by driving a motor vehicle indoors?

Geez, Googengrime, just pay the five dollars for parking.

Oh, hello Googengrime and Spooky Goopy. I was wondering when you two would randomly show up at whatever public place Chris Carter happens to be in. The main villains of this show make their appearance and already my interest is instantly on both the giant-chinned magician and his wacky skeleton monster instead of the solar system-studying ninny and his tasteless bug mutants. I mean, look at them. They know they're being jerks but the giant clefts in their chins certainly don't give a crap. My heroes.

That, and they're not mentioning Madonna in a poor attempt to sound funny. Really, at this point, anyone can be better than the Goopmandos.

These two make me miss the 90's.

Since, you know, the main villains just waltzed right into a planetarium and nearly crushed a student with their vehicle, we get a small fight sequence involving all of the Goopmandos (notice how all of them were in the room but only Hocus Locust had any dialogue or spotlight?) and their related magic-trick based abilities. The bugs take turns making magician-related puns while Googengrime fights them off by...oh lord. I need a moment for this to sink in.

Okay, I'm ready now. He fights them off by sitting in his car and shooting eye lasers out of his monocle.

...I would say "I can't take this show seriously now" but I never did in the first place. You sort of enter this cartoon expecting total insanity. But still, Googengrime, just send your grotesque undead minion after the giant insects instead of shooting giant blue beams of light from your monocle. You're only embarrassing yourself.

Nothing can make this scene any goofier. NOTHING.

But then, when he follows my advice (what in tarnation? The TV can hear me!) and does send previously mentioned grotesque undead minion (and his grotesquely shaped talking hat of grotesqueness) to fight the gross bugs, they pretty much hand Spooky's bony, nonexistent ass to him because Spooky doesn't have any ranged weapons on him and is pretty much outclassed by all of the heroes.

...okay, nevermind, Googengrime. Continue shooting geriatric eye lasers at the goody-goodies. It looked stupid, but it was more effective.

I love how everyone has to gather around to watch Spooky's misery.

Because Spooky fails at life (because he's, you know, not alive), this sets off a chain of events that ends with Googengrime, who once had the upper hand, being forced to retreat. This would've been a cool scene, with the bolts of lightning and the javelins flying through the air and the possibility of vehicular manslaughter, (dude, seriously, why doesn't he just run over the Goopmandos?) if Chris didn't decide to fill the air with lame by rudely pointing his finger and shouting "Go crawl back under your rock, Googie!"

...Googie. Googie. Googie. We're seriously going to use that nickname. I'm just going to ignore the obvious attempt to force in either "creepy" or "crawly" into the dialogue, by the way. As should you.

I wonder if he gets strange looks at the local gas station whenever he has to fill that thing up.

Googengrime flees with his tail between his legs, but just when you thought it couldn't get any stranger, it turns out the army wants to take out the Goopmandos too. Yes, you heard me. The military is involved.

Meet Colonel Ka-Boom, leading the patriotic assault against the goop-filled plastic monsters violating our nation's freedom. I can't tell you when this guy was introduced in the series (he was introduced in an episode that's not available anywhere), but his motive is easy enough to understand. See, you know how there are giant six foot tall bugs just running around and shooting lightning and sharp metallic objects in public facilities? Well, that attracted attention from the government, showing how discreet our heroes are.

And, in case you hate big paragraphs, I'll sum what I just said up. Colonel Ka-Boom is sort of like the gruff policeman in superhero cartoons that wants to uphold the law but is just misguided in his attempts, only with more tanks and missiles.

Whenever he sees Spooky, he has horrible PSTD-induced flashbacks to when
the Viet Cong used zombie supersoldiers.

Anyways, Ka-Boom and his strangely appropriate last name are near the Planetarium because Googengrime likes to carelessly drive around in a freakin' giant purple bug car, advertising his evil intent throughout the city. Nice of the cartoon to try to introduce logic into an already crazy, nonsense-filled story. It was a good try at least, futile as it was.

Oh, and when Googengrime and later Chris Carter drive past Ka-Boom's jeep, the colonel gruffly reports that he won't eat or sleep until he blows those Goopmandos to pieces. Ouch. For some reason, I find that more depressing than funny that the army wants to nuke some dopey kid just because he accidentally created life with his popular children's toy.

"If we let giant talking bugs make dated 90's references, then the terrorists have won."

Back at the Googie Lair (which is strangely intact even though it gets destroyed at least once an episode), Googengrime is both yelling at Spooky for sucking so much and revealing to the audience why he was at the planetarium in the first place. He hints that he wanted to use the telescope's lens to enhance his monocle (not sure how, since it didn't get hit by a moonbeam laser like in the first episode) all while smacking Spooky repeatively.

What makes this scene great is not the fact that Googengrime is essentially chastising something that can disembowel him with those sharp handcuff claws and eat his brains, but he's doing it while hitting his minion with a newspaper like he's scolding a puppy for urinating on his carpet.

And then Googengrime locked Spooky in his kennel without giving him any treats for the night.

He doesn't just aim at Spooky either. He has to make sure he gets the talking hat monster sitting on Spooky's head too even though Top Hat's (again, creative name) physically incapable of doing anything useful. It's little moments like this that make me wonder why Googengrime and Spooky aren't more popular. I mean, come on, this is pure comedy gold.

"That's not how you get out wrinkles, Master!"

Googengrime and his giant chin of villainy both shout at Spooky and tell him that he's ruined everything and that he's overstayed his welcome. A nice change of pace considering how Shredder and Krang just tolerated their minions' failures for over seven seasons. While exhibiting a bizarre amount of logic from a cartoon villain, Googengrime decides that he wants to make a brand new minion, one that doesn't suck like Spooky. I guess that makes sense, since he did crank out Spooky while in front of an audience and Spooky happened to be his first Crime Grime...

I love Spooky's face when these insults are leveled at him, by the way. Aww, I'd find this pathetic if he wasn't an undead ghoul filled with horrors. I will give this TV show a hand; this is the first time I've seen a hideous fleshless ghoul actually look unsure with his work performance and then tell his necromancer boss that he'll do much better next time. I've so been there during performance reviews.

"Please don't dock my pay, Master! My landlord wants a cash advance next week!"

Oh, and fun animation goof. When the Googmeister himself picks up the two test tubes from the table to make someone better than a vomit green skeleton with a keyhole in its chest, they're empty, but the moment he tips them into the now-sold-in-stores Creepy Crawler Thing-Maker (which, again, makes this scene skirt the line between entertainment and advertisement), green substances magically teleport into the glass containers. Magic! But mostly sloppy editing!

They laughed at him when he said that Goopology was a valid form of science. Who's laughing now?

Anyways, Googengrime wants a minion with more brains (because skeletons with their lack of internal organs don't have any), so he's going to combine goop with a giant inexplicable brain he has just lying around his lair and make a brainy monster. Meanwhile, Spooky decides to do some last-minute sucking up by trying to help the boss with the giant brain in a jar.

Okay, several questions. One, what kind of brain is in that jar? Two, why does Googengrime have a giant, preserved brain in a jar just lying around in his basement? And finally, how the hell is he going to stuff that giant organ into the two inch hole on top of the Creepy Crawler Thing-Maker? He obviously didn't plan this out.

"With both of you talking at once, I can't decide who to glare at!"

Since Spooky is a clumsy but loveable doofus trapped in a hideous skeletal form, his idea of helping is to yank the giant brain away from Googengrime and send him flying backwards into a shelf, which knocks Googengrime's ever-important monocle off of his face and sends canisters of goop (oh that Googengrime and his unsafe goop storage) cascading down his body.

Uh oh. Someone got covered in dangerous yet colorful chemicals in a 90's cartoon. If Googie starts sprouting tentacles or turns into a giant insect, we know who to blame.

Look at that face. He's expecting to turn into a mutant any minute now.

Insulted and covered in junk that's definitely staining his beautiful spider-web patterned clothing, Googengrime finally snaps and flat-out fires Spooky, literally kicking him out onto the cold, unforgiving streets. Geez, the employee rotation in this company is fierce. First Chris Carter and now Spooky.

Also, seriously Googengrime? You're firing the undead monster that you created yourself with the expressed purpose of causing crime? Where the hell is he supposed to go? Even in this day and age with anti-discrimination laws present in most workplaces, I still doubt that a giant walking skeleton will have an easy time getting a job and, with those handcuffs, he'll be unable to perform most menial tasks like flipping burgers and operating cash registers. In short, Spooky's screwed.

The job market is unkind to the walking dead.

The horrifying undead skeleton at first looks sad that he's been relegated to the curb (a strange, deserted curb with no traffic even though The Professor's magic shop is smack dab in the middle of a city), but then his talking hat buddy, who's probably angry at the fact that he got kicked out with Spooky even though he wasn't the one failing, tells him that they don't need Googengrime. Only Top Hat, in his words, tells Spooky that Googengrime's been treating him "like puppy poop". Okaaaaay...

Listening to the maniacal whisperings of the devil on his shoulder, Spooky then laughs evilly and says that he'll show Googie (so Spooky calls him that too?) who's really boss. Oh, good job, Googengrime. Now you have an undead monstrosity with metal claws against you. Hope you're happy. I wonder if the age-old zombie suggestion of "aim for the head" works for giant skeletons with crystal-shaped chests.

But then a semi runs Spooky over, eliminating that threat.

After Spooky wanders away, no doubt plotting terrible, blood-soaked vengeance against his former master, we see Googie (hey, Chris came up with it, not me) complaining about how goop is all over his clothes. Suddenly, with a strange clothes-ripping sound even though all of his clothes remain intact (but then again, his underwear didn't get goop on them so maybe that's what's ripping), Googengrime starts to grow and grow until he smashes through the roof of his magic shop.

In other words, we're getting to the meat of this episode, the reason why this episode exists. Googengrime had to turn 50 feet somehow, and since this isn't Monsters Vs. Aliens (underrated movie, by the way), he certainly wasn't going to use a radioactive meteor to get this tall. That being said, seeing this in action is just so bizarre because, when everything's said and done, it's an eccentric old man that's growing five stories. That's just weird.

...also, wait. Googengrime had goop that can make whoever touches it 50 feet tall just sitting around his lair, gathering dust? Why didn't he douse Spooky with it and make a skyscraper-sized zombie? Geez, Googie, you need to actually use your instruments of evil!

Man, imagine what the people in the high rise buildings are thinking.

At first Googengrime is pissed off that he's now huge, therefore making most modern conveniences difficult, but then he's elated. After all, why create a new monster when he can rampage indiscriminately through the city? He's going to have fun with his new physical deformity!

I would pay money to see him punching buildings and eating people like in the arcade game Rampage.

But wait, first he has to find his monocle! You know, even though the animators were totally not paying attention and drew him with the monocle in his eye anyways. He goes back to his store, roots around in there, and then says the most dated line in the entire show. To let the gravity of this sink in, I'm going to copy this line for posterity.

"Bah! It's one of Spooky's blasted pogs!"

Genius. Just...Genius. Pogs are still around, right? Also, how the hell was he able to grab a teeny tiny pog (POGS) if he's now a 50-foot tall giant? Must be one of those dinner plate-sized pogs I've been hearing so much about.

"Oh look, there's Spooky's Stretch Armstrong, Sky Dancer, and Giga Pet too!"

Googengrime then wisely figures out that his monocle is now too small for him, but he now knows where he can find a new one, one that will now fit his now person-sized eye. At the observatory he was just at earlier!

...personally, Googengrime, you don't really need laser eye vision anymore. You're huge. Just march up to Chris Carter's house (and he knows where it is; he has Spooky sneak there a couple of times) and have fun playing Godzilla. You can even say "Fee Fi Fo Fum" before you smash the Goopmandos into sticky goo and listen to their dying screams from inbetween your fingers.

This Googengrime is what all true warriors strive for!

Googie the Huge stomps down the still totally deserted city road (seriously, where are all the people? This city's a freaking ghost town!), and we cut back to the Googalair where it turns out that Spooky just snuck right back in. So wait, Googengrime fires that bag of bones and Spooky's first thought is to go right back to the very place he's not wanted? That's both stupid and strangely pathetic. Awww, poor Spooky misses his home.

But then we find out what the large calcium deposit is really after. Googengrime's monocle. And folks, this is where the episode gets weird. I can't believe I'm saying this after I saw a 50-year old man get covered in green Nickelodeon slime that turned him into a giant, but this is when it's time to really party.

"I say!"

Spooky puts on the monocle (by having Top Hat swallow it and then crap it out into his head, and no, I didn't make this up), and what does he do next?

DANCE!

You can put in any song in the background and this dance will work.

He calls out that he's Spookygrime (I would've gone with Googenspook, but then again, I'm not Spooky), does a really complex dance for a talking skeleton, and then, to top the insane sundae with a crazy cherry, shoots an eye laser and blows up a wall. I think I've discovered the cure for cancer.

This might be the best thing animation as a medium has ever produced.

Unfortunately, too much pure awesome in one sitting is bad for the viewers' health, so of course the cartoon has to cut back to Chris Carter and his much less awesome bug abominations. Aww man, can't we focus on Googengrime or Spooky instead?

This is also when the cartoon decides to take a massive swerve into creepy territory, because when we check up on the Goopmandos, we find that they're enjoying a movie with immense grins on their faces. This sounds innocent, until you notice what they're watching.

It's Ultraman's watermelon-flavored cousin!

That's right. They're downright elated that they're watching a movie where some giant creature that looks suspiciously like them is destroying a city and crushing hapless civilians under his ruthless feet of horror. These bugs have something dark dwelling in their ridiculously colored bodies and I'm not sure if I like what I saw about it.

Why do these bugs always look like such assholes whenever they smile?

While the Goopmandos look delighted that a giant monster that looks like them is crushing innocent people on the TV, Chris brags that everything Sammy could possibly know about the Milky Way is in his report. Kid, you're writing a freaking science report, not a master thesis. And who writes a report by holding the sheets of paper in midair and frantically stabbing it with a pen?

...also, I thought it was a report on the solar system. The Milky Way is a galaxy. I hope you enjoy your D minus, Chris.

"Wow, watching you write your report is so interesting!"

But then, their program is interrupted by a emergency broadcast! Wow, that makes this the second episode I've watched from this show in a row where they were informed of the plot by the TV. Good god, don't they get tired of using this particular plot point?

I would love for an emergency news report to broadcast something not important to the plot,
like a massive flood in another state.

Anyways, the magical, plot-advancing television set tells us that Googengrime is large and in charge, references the B-movie this plot was inspired from, and manages to sneak in some blatant sexual innuendo all at the same time. While Googengrime picks up a car, the reporter tells us that his shoe size must be enormous. This sounds innocent until you realize what people mean when they point out how big someone's feet are.

And, while you're thinking about that, then remember that Googengrime is currently 50 feet tall. You're welcome.

Let Googengrime provide a visual aide to show how big we're talking about here.

The news reporter once again dates the show by saying that Googengrime makes Shaquille O'Neal look like Steve Urkel, a line so shocking that everyone in the room drops their jaw in unison. Truly no one can stop this powerhouse of 90's references!

Oh, and I might as well address the fact that between the first episode and this episode (which is the 13th episode of this show's run), two new Goopmandos were made. The green one in the far back is named Sting Ring (and he really doesn't look at all like a bug or anything really) and talks in a stereotypical "black" voice, whereas the dark blue guy is Commantis and speaks in a stereotypical Japanese accent and doesn't really do much of anything. So yeah, just when you thought that Volt Jolt wasn't racist enough, the Magic Maker crapped out guys that make him sound somewhat sensible by comparison.

Also, whatever Sting Ring is doing back there is worrying me.

With a "Let's go!" (what, no "Let's Creepy Crawl!" like in the first episode?), Chris orders his deformed minions of evil to join the march to kill the beast, because we're not safe until he's dead and he'll come stalking us at night.

But there's just one problem. Sammy wants to come along too! Even though she'd totally be useless against a man who can kill her by farting on her. Either way, Chris decides to show how sexist he is by saying "it's way too dangerous" and later ordering one of the bugs to stay behind and keep an eye on her. In his case, he sends in Sting Ring, probably because it'll be too distracting to fight Googengrime while staring at that malformed, bondage-wearing creature that sins against nature for too long. No, seriously, look at him! Were we expected to buy toys of this thing?

Oh geez, please tell me those red things aren't boobs...

Luckily, Sammy's a master at emotional manipulation (like all women), and it doesn't take long for her to outsmart Sting Ring. She lies and says that without Sting Ring, the group will be powerless to stop Googengrime. You know, even though there were multiple episodes where it was just the three Goopmandos against Googengrime and they came out of those encounters totally fine.

After Sting Ring runs out of the room like an idiot, Sammy even has to give a sly wink to the camera as if we, the audience, were utterly incapable of figuring out that this was all a ruse on our very own. Way to assume that we're dumbasses, Sammy.

Man, check out the poster in the background. I didn't know Chris was an anarchist!

One screen wipe later, and once more we're at Googengrime's skull-adorned lair. Now that Spooky has a monocle in his head, he believes that he can make his own Crime Grimes with the plastic children's toy of horrific villainy. I love how his loud-mouthed material of clothing goads him into doing outrageously dangerous and stupid things, by the way. It's like that annoying friend everyone has in the form of something fashionable.

"I love my Doctor Dreadful Freaky Food Lab!"
"Wrong product, idiot!"

However, since Spooky can never succeed at anything he does, his attempt at creating a Crime Grime backfires so spectacularly that he reduces the Googalair to a smoking Googacrater. He survives, but only because he wasn't alive in the first place. Way to reduce everything Googengrime owns into smoking rubble, Spooky. I'm sure he's going to appreciate that.

...but then again, maybe he just needs to learn how to harness the power of his fail. If he can blow up entire freaking buildings (oh geez, I sure hope no one was on the sidewalk when that happened), then he obviously has some sort of a gift.

Pictured: A senseless waste of human life. Also comedy.

With that journey into fail over (not sure why we needed a scene to establish that Spooky blows, but then again, I like Spooky, so I was totally fine with it), we're back at our ginormous Googengrime as he rampages throughout the city. And man, his absolute joy as he scares the entire city's populace is absolutely infectious. In a way, he's living out the dream that everyone's pictured at least once, usually while stuck in rush hour. He's tall and damn proud of it, and everyone better get out of his way or else his feet will do the talking.

"I'm a big magician, and I want a big cereal!"

He then, while miraculously avoiding killing anyone by squashing them, stomps his way towards the observatory, steals the lens, and uses it like a monocle. He engages in some villain monologuing (because I too like to talk to myself about how I'm going to energize my new monocle to take over the world when I'm alone) while looking like an absolute dork with his new piece of eye wear. Also, I think I've discovered the answer to world peace by watching this. This show's craziness is so profound that it performs miracles.

"Five! Five dollar! Five dollar footloooong!"

But then, Chris shows up, and, in response to Googengrime yelling about how the whole world will bow down before him (because Googengrime loves the sound of his glorious gravelly voice), says the most out-of-context line ever. Once again, like the piece of dialogue involving pogs from earlier, I have to isolate this gem of voice-acting genius for all to see.

"No one's bending down for you, Grimey!"

...do the people who compose the scripts ever read what they write out loud? And how come the censors aren't doing their jobs?

Here's a good question. Between Chris and Googengrime, who has the lamest car?

When the bugs hop out of their appallingly disfigured car, Googengrime responds with a gem of a line of his own. He puts his hands on his hips, looks like a total asshole in his dumb observatory lens monocle, and yells "Well, if it isn't Chris the Big Dipper and all of his little dips". Like most dialogue in 90's cartoons, this line is so lame that it swings right back into the awesome category.

At this point, I could just copy the script of this episode instead of reviewing this thing, because hearing this dialogue has made me into a better person. Inform the masses.

"Oh yeah? Well, I'm huge! Beat that!"

As you can imagine, this is when the Goopmandos and Googengrime engage in their contract-mandated fight sequence they need to have once an episode. It's a really mediocre fight, involving miraculously appearing stage props just for Googengrime and the Goopmandos to throw at each other, a ton of really lame lines from Hocus Locust because he is unable to shut the hell up, and a "Googeyquake" (Googengrime jumping up and down until the ground shakes). It's one of those scenes where, when it ends, you're not so much engaged as you are relieved that the fight scene is finally over. Battle choreography is so not one of Creepy Crawlers's strong points.

I think the only good part is that, since Googie is so huge, he can just take whatever the ugly action figures can throw at him. Sounds simple enough, but the episode illustrates this by having the Goopophile stand there while Volt Jolt shoots him in the eye with lightning bolts. This show is awesome.

"Joke's on you, Goopmandos! I'm wearing contacts!"

Uninspired fighting hopelessly meanders across the screen until Googengrime grabs all of the heroes and it cuts to commercial. As you can imagine, this looks pretty grim, because all our loveable monocle-wearing genius has to do is squeeze hard enough and he can make his enemies explode in his palms like ketchup packets. Luckily, Grimey doesn't take advantage of his largeness to finish them off; choosing instead to hold them in the air and smile at them for hours on end. What a Googaidiot.

Okay, he's got the captives. Now all he needs is a giant building for him to scale while helicopters shoot at him.

But wait, Sammy and Sting Ring arrive on the scene! Hooray, cinematic closure! Not sure how they got to the observatory on foot if Chris needed his car to get there, but either way, they're here and ready to prove how useful they are.

And, of course, Sting Ring and Sammy just happen to be the ones to save them all, thanks to Sting Ring's ability to magically summon wings out of nowhere (who wrote this?) and for Sammy to utilize really contrived props (why is there a truck full of industrial-sized cable just sitting right there unattended?) in order to trip Googengrime. It's a good thing everyone at the observatory vacated the area or else I'd question the logic of toppling over a fifty foot man who probably now weighs several tons and could crush someone underneath his giant, well-dressed ass.

Oh, good job, Sammy. Googengrime just killed a tour guide.

But I'm totally fine with this strange change in events, because Googengrime attacks the flying Sting Ring...with Chris Carter. The fact that he's trying to swat down a Goopmando while using a human body as a weapon cracks me up so freaking much. I love how our bland teen protagonist doesn't even react either, even though that must be pretty terrifying to be flung around in the air like that, nearly getting his neck broken from the resulting G-force.

And then Chris throws up all over Googengrime's hand.

With Chris the Big Dipper and all of his little dips freed, the horrendously ugly Sting Ring and his African American voice decides to use his power of stating the obvious by saying that hey, maybe they can use these cables they used to trip Googengrime to tie up Googengrime! Oh gee whiz, using those cables that just appeared out of nowhere when they were useful? That would be swell.

Also, what the hell was that observatory going to do with those cables anyway? Seriously, cartoon. Explain the truck full of giant spools of cable, please. It's hard for me to buy.

Yes, I'm watching a show about giant talking bugs defeating a fifty foot tall magician and
I'm worried about where the cable came from.

And of course they do, in fact, tie up the Googie with the magic cables of deux ex machina-induced glory, with Googengrime not looking very happy about it. I think 80% of this episode's budget went to making this evil villain sport the best faces I've ever seen because man these expressions are hilarious. I think I have something to put into those empty picture frames I have sitting on my desk now.

>8C

Googengrime is now out of commission (and he surprisingly doesn't break anything despite his hard landing), but then one of the bugs smartly brings up the question of what to hell to do with him. But the answer is easy; Colonel Ka-Boom! Oh goody, they can use the help of someone who wants them dead in order to solve their problems. I wish this worked in real life.

Look at that face. You know he's going to leave something dirty on Ka-Boom's answering machine.

While this is going on, we go back to Googengrime's Magic Shop and...OH DEAR GOD.

"Hello, children. Want some freshly baked nightmares?"

Okay, who's the wise guy animator that decided to make Spooky look more realistic and therefore more frightening? He's only like this for one scene too, which somehow makes this even more unnerving. Thanks for the nightmares I guess, cartoon. His jewel box-shaped body may be stupid, but we're still dealing with an undead skeleton here. A skeleton that can walk, talk, and think; one currently filled with thoughts of revenge.

No, that's fine, Spooky. I didn't need to sleep tonight anyways.

Anyways, before I got off-topic and was distracted on how scary Spooky got, in this scene he's once again failing at making another Crime Grime. He's as persistent as he is terrifying. Only this time, he makes a sentient but disembodied lobster claw Crime Grime that tries to attack him and, at this point, a plot development such as living lobster arms doesn't even make me bat an eyelash. It snaps at him, chases him for a while, and then Spooky kills it by shooting a monocle laser right into its gaping clawed maw. Because Spooky's a badass.

So I'm watching a cartoon where a skeleton with handcuff hands is firing a monocle laser at a disembodied lobster claw while a talking hat cheers him on. I bet my parents are proud of me and my life choices.

Top Hat chastises his goopy compadre for being terrible (even though he's the one that encouraged Spooky in the first place), but while he does this, there's a rather bizarre animation goof where, while he's sitting on the ground, he has a part of Spooky's skull still stuck to the brim of his hat. Way to totally not reveal that you're just reusing previous talking animation for Top Hat, animators!

I'm not sure why they'd need to recycle animation on him anyways.
He's just a mouth on a shapeless cylinder.

Spooky gathers up both his talking hat and the rest of his dignity and decides to do what all people do when they fail at an assignment; veg out, watch TV, and pretend that no fail has taken place. With a despondent "I miss Googie. Maybe Regis and Kathie Lee can cheer me up" (this show should've won an Emmy), Spooky lazily flips through the channels with his hand resting on his chin. It's funny how even a mundane thing such as watching TV immediately becomes downright bizarre the moment a skeleton with handcuffs for hands does it. But hey, even the living dead get bored sometimes.

Also, uh oh, Spooky turned on a TV in a cartoon. You know what that means.

"Man, remember when MTV used to show music videos?"
"Uh, Spooky, you were created two months ago. You shouldn't have nostalgia for anything."

If you said "show the character who turned it on an important plot point that somehow involves something relating to their interests and advances the story", then you're right! In Spooky Goopy's case, it shows Googengrime getting placed onto the bed of a semi and Colonel Ka-Boom announcing that he's going to take our loveable giant to a scientific facility for further study. Translation: They're going to cruelly vivisect Googengrime and study his organs in hopes that they'll discover the secret of being fifty feet tall.

Also, Ka-Boom brags that he took down Googengrime all by himself, but I'm going to allow him to say that. After all, he managed to manifest a working crane completely out of nowhere. That should account for something, right?

"This giant monocle-wearing man is a part of an underground Communist conspiracy involving the liberals!"

Even though Spooky was mad at his boss earlier, he can't just sit there like an undead couch potato and let the man who created him get carted off by the military. With a "Don't worry, Master! I'll save you!", Spooky triumphantly runs out the door, somehow managing to look like a total dork even though he's a fleshless killer zombie. Man, why can't this show be about Googengrime and Spooky instead of the Goopmandos and Chris Carter? I probably say this a lot when it comes to cartoon villains, but this especially applies here.

The cartoon agrees with me too, because so far this episode has been leaning heavily in Googengrime and Spooky's favor. I'm not editing this episode in any way; the Goopmandos and Chris are seriously playing second banana to the villains. And it should've been like this for the entire series.

Meanwhile, we find the Googengrime-loaded semi driving down a city street, all while Googengrime and his giant butt-chin try to negotiate with the colonel in order to let him go free because "this was all a big mistake". I love how he just casually does this while he's the size of a freakin' T-Rex and he's sitting on top of the bed of a semi. It's like, dude, it's not a complicated procedure in order to figure out that the giant-related destruction was caused by the only five story tall man in the area. It'd be pretty hard to weasel your way out of that.

"Could you at least change the radio station? I hate this song."

Okay, have you ever stopped and noticed just how absolutely crazy this entire episode is? We are, after all, dealing with a plot where a man named Googengrime (is that his first name or last name?) grows really big and then attacks some kid and his giant bugs in a quest to get a giant monocle that will make him invincible. I'm telling you this now because I'm here to warn you about the upcoming part, because this is probably the most insane thing I've ever seen in this art medium.

Why do I say this? Because we find out that Spooky's ingenious plan of stopping the Colonel and freeing his master involves him putting a broken car in the middle of the road and dressing up as a woman.

...where'd he get the dress?

Let me repeat that. Spooky's plan involves him dressing up as a woman and pretending that his car broke down.

A SKELETON thought that the best way to save his master was to dress up in drag, complete with a wig for his giant talking hat.

A skeleton, dressed up in drag. With a monocle.

...I think I'm done here. There's nothing I can say that can possibly add to this, other than we first saw this beautiful piece of work on Valentine's Day.

Oh my god. This exists.

After the world's best scene in the history of everything ever passes (and don't try to argue with me, you know it's true), Spooky incapacitates the colonel with his sweet transvestite moves, rips off his costume, and then steals the colonel's semi. I'd like to point out that while he's doing all of this, Spooky completely leaves the earrings in. Because hey, even undead zombies like to feel pretty every once in a while.

By the way, have I mentioned that this show is awesome yet?

He's wearing a monocle, a talking hat, and a pair of earrings. Spooky has the worst taste in fashion.

But alas, this tidal wave of awesome can't continue, because we find the Annoyingmandos and Chris Dorkter on the road, with Chris going on about how nothing is going to stop him from finishing his report. For the love of all that is holy, Chris, no one gives a crap about your stupid report on the stupid solar system! Shut up!

"I can't wait to show my teacher how much I know about the solar system in my awesome report!"
"Uh, Chris, I'm in the same class and get the same assignments as you..."

Since there's apparently only two roads in this entire city, Spooky and his tied up cargo drives past the little dips and we have a really uninspired and unexciting chase sequence between hijacked semi and car shaped like a giant bug. I should be more interested in this, but really, after seeing Spooky in a dress and a giant wig, it feels like such a major step down. Not even Googengrime complaining like a backseat driver (he complains that Spooky ran a red light, when really, he should be amazed that the skeleton knows how to drive) when Spooky is going out of his way to rescue him can save this scene.

...maybe if Spooky was wearing a dress while all of this was going on...

What the hell am I even watching anymore?

Spooky and Googengrime manage to get away (through the use of a car wash, some flying paint buckets, and I don't know what I'm watching anymore), and Spooky takes them where else but to the abandoned carnival the city, like all good cartoon cities, has just sitting outside city limits without any security. Of course. I guess Spooky chose this spot on account it's the most visually appealing and it's full of stuff that Googengrime can cause massive property damage to.

Also, was Googengrime even fastened down to the semi in the first place? And really, at this point I have to wonder how Googie feels about how this day's gone by. Weirdest 24 hours he's ever lived through, no doubt.

By the way, notice the sky. Googengrime's been tied up for at least six hours. I sure hope he's been holding it in...

"Why'd you even bring me here? I wanted my giant climatic battle at
the abandoned warehouses by the waterfront!"

The crossdressing skeleton frees his master (because his handcuff hands are apparently sharp enough to cut through solid steel cable, making Spooky that much more frightening), and then Googengrime orders him to blast HIS monocle (the observatory lens) with the small one in order to transfer the Magic Millenium Moment mystic power into his eyepiece of mass evil. I have to wonder if this show would make a lot more sense if I was on a powerful hallucinogen because right now it's reaching Coconut Fred levels of insanity.

I'm pretty sure the animators were on something.

With Googengrime now having a giant-sized version of his favorite weapon and with the Goopmorons pulling up in their uglymobile, it's time for the climax of this show to take place! Whoo!

As you would expect, since both Spooky and Grimey are wearing magic monocles, this fight sequence happens to involve lasers. Lots and lots of eye lasers. And carnival-related props. But mostly lasers. And me slowly losing the will to live because fight scenes in this show kind of suck.

While they engage in the neccessary but not necessarily exciting episode climactic battle, I've noticed this show's quality dips whenever the Goopmandos and their relatively boring designs creep and crawl their way onscreen. And now, I totally blame them for the reason why this show wasn't more popular.

At this point, all I can do is point at the screenshots and say that this is an actual show.

Now, you might be wondering, how are they going to defeat a giant fifty year old armed with a monocle that can create giant explosions and destroy entire rollercoasters just by sitting on them? And how are they going to change him back to normal, thus restoring the show's status quo?

*Godzilla roar*

It's simple, Chris Carter explains to both his freakish bug aberrations (none of them possessing a unique personality, by the way) and to the audience. Mirrors!

...yes, this is really going to be the thing that saves them. Mirrors. Normal, ordinary glass attached to a wooden frame. For some reason, I feel sort of ripped off that they're not using something more elaborate, especially after how resourceful Spooky was with that dress, wig, and broken car earlier.

To look at his legs is to gaze into madness itself.

Yes, my friends, before you can say "ass pull", it turns out that being hit by Spooky's laser bounced off a reflective surface changes Googengrime back to normal. Because that makes total sense. Lasers fix everything, right?

Also, when this happens, Googengrime drops the telescope lens to the observatory, shattering both it and the hopes and dreams of the city's astrologists to pieces. Good going, Chris. Unless if you want to shell out the thousands of dollars to replace that lens, you just rendered an important public facility completely useless. Jerk.

This show had a really big laser fetish.

But even then, the lasers fixing everything and restoring Googengrime to normal would still make more sense than what we get, because instead of turning him back to normal, it shrinks him. Yes, you heard me. He shrinks to the size of an angry, gravelly-voiced garden gnome, creating a fun-sized Googengrime. Oh good, at least now he can fit in with the Alliance.

...wait, why did the magic monocle laser shot from the talking green skeleton shrink him? Writers, stop chasing the dragon and write something at least somewhat coherent!

Awww, I want my own pet Googengrime.

With the Googenthreat dealt with (he chases Spooky off into the distance, never answering the question as to how he's going to get himself back to normal), the heroes can triumphantly ride off into the sunset and return home.

But wait, what about Chris's report on the solar system? I'm literally on the edge of my seat figuring out what happened to Chris's report!

Oh, don't worry, because we cut to Chris's house and find out that he's vigorously typing on a really weird-looking typewriter (okay, I know there were computers back then. Why this clunker, Chris?) and finishes his report right then and there. And, apparently Chris is enrolled in a upper division college class, because his paper looks like its at least 30 pages long, judging from the massive stack of papers Sammy is holding.

Way for Sammy to help with the ever-important task of holding Chris's papers!

But then, right when he sets that report, that very thing he was talking about for these past 20 minutes (or at least the short period of time the camera was actually focused on him), right on the table, one of the Goopmandos (or in this case, the weird tick that the blue guy carries around in his shoulder) ends up eating it, consuming all of his blood, sweat, and tears in one crunch because it thought it was a burrito.

Hah hah, that's what you get for going on about your report, Chris. Now you'll have to take a failing grade for your missing paper and have to be held back a year!

It's funny because the Goopmandos are dicks.

And once again, the episode ends with Chris's giant bug friends treating him like crap and ruining his life just because Chris, out of the goodness of his heart, let them stay in his house. What a healthy relationship.

But it could be worse. Chris could have Spooky's relationship.

---

The Moral of this Cartoon
Always properly store your magically-infused goop, or else you could turn into a freakish giant.

Also, don't procrastinate on important papers about the solar system.


Final Verdict
This is the episode that made me wish this show was more popular, because crazy genius like this must not go ignored.

I feel that the focus on Googengrime and Spooky worked in this episode's favor, because these villains are incredibly fun to watch. The entire plot was cracktastic and they really used the whole "giant" plot in a way that was interesting, the expressions were incredibly funny, and Spooky in particular with his bumbling attempts to be useful were just adorable. The Goopmandos, to me, work best when they're not in the spotlight, because quite a few of them can get annoying if there's too much of them onscreen.

Yeah, this show isn't the best show out there and it's certainly not that well-animated, but what the hell. It's fun, it's crazy, and there's great characters in it. In terms of the series as a whole, this might be my favorite episode. And I can be sure of that since there's what, like five episodes in a language I can understand on the entire Internet?

Not much more to say other than it was a fun episode, this is a fun show, and it's hard to hate something like this because it's so earnest in its gleeful insanity.

And, to end my review, here's a picture of Spooky and Googengrime's action figures on eBay.

Oh, and the Googengrime action figure looks nothing like the Googengrime on the show.

Yes, apparently this show is so rare that the toys are collector's items now. Happy shopping!