I had to pull out this show again for several reasons, but the main reason was that I noticed that since there's only like four episodes online in a language I can understand (because hell no, I'm not watching something off of Rutube and then try to make any coherent sense out of it), this would be the easiest series to write about all of the available goop-filled, creepy crawly, nonsensical episodes.
I sometimes entertain the notion that I'll have this blog ten years from now and will one day review and overanalyze, say, every single available episode of Darkwing Duck or The Mask: The Animated Series, but another part of me knows that will never ever happen because I'm just one person and my interest in ducks or strange green-faced shapeshifters can only go so far.
But come on, only four existing episodes of a cracktastic series? That'd be cake.
|Part of me still has trouble believing this actually exists.|
In short, the 90's! Because if you want to see a jade green skeleton dance around while wearing a monocle, bugs imitate Beavis and Butthead, and a five story wizard with the chin the size of Kuwait yell about Goopmandos and little dips, then there's going to be a cartoon to accommodate for your strange, strange needs.
But really, nothing more needs to be said other than the title at this point. No, really. I can't even warn you for the unbridled insanity that cold, heartless merchandising inflicted on small children in the early 90's other than mentioning that this is...
Attack Of the Fifty Foot Googengrime
Airdate: February 14th, 1995
|I kind of wish they recreated that classic 50's movie poster for the title screen.|
Availability: Online Only
Before I even jump into this simmering cauldron of crazy ideas and illegal chemicals, I just want to note the date that this episode premiered. Yes, that's right, this episode first aired on Valentine's Day, therefore making this episode this series's Valentine's Day special. Watch how grossly inappropriate this distinction becomes in just a few moments.
Anyways, we find ourselves magically teleported to Nameless City's local planetarium, immediately making me jealous because I don't have a planetarium where I live. Inside this place of interstellar scientific study, Chris Carter (aka our dork kid protagonist) is disobeying the rules placed in this public facility by running around like an idiot and having races with his so-not-a-girlfriend friend, Sammy. Because hey, it's not like planetariums have sensitive, space-reading equipment that can get damaged by reckless horseplay or anything.
...also, is this a school field trip or are they doing an after-school project? Since the background consists of only a scientist and three random kids, it's hard to say.
|Can you hear me?|
Can you hear me running?
Can you hear me running, can you hear me calling you?
And, since one of Chris's pastimes is to talk in exposition, Chris says he aced that race (sigh) just like he's going to ace his report on the solar system. Since Chris is doing a report on something as complex a concept as "the solar system", this means that he's still struggling to graduate the fifth grade. Poor dumb kid.
...how old are these kids anyways? I know Chris had a job in an earlier episode, but it wouldn't be out of character for Googengrime to ignore child labor laws.
|So they just let unsupervised teenagers play around with the giant telescope?|
But don't worry, since the bugs are in their "human disguises" (aka, they're wearing clothes), everything's totally cool. I like how the moment a giant orange bug with four arms and sharp claws slaps on a hat and a tacky Hawaiian shirt, everyone assumes that it's just a really ugly man with a hideous physical deformity. Doesn't explain why no one's complaining that this tourist was just climbing all over the telescope and telescope lens, but hey, he's wearing pants, so no harm here.
|Hocus Locust can pull some pretty successful troll faces.|
Also, I wonder if we would've gotten an action figure with Hocus Locust in a Hawaiian shirt if this show didn't completely fail in gaining an audience.
|"You seriously made a Madonna reference? Really?"|
|Geez, Googengrime, just pay the five dollars for parking.|
That, and they're not mentioning Madonna in a poor attempt to sound funny. Really, at this point, anyone can be better than the Goopmandos.
|These two make me miss the 90's.|
Okay, I'm ready now. He fights them off by sitting in his car and shooting eye lasers out of his monocle.
...I would say "I can't take this show seriously now" but I never did in the first place. You sort of enter this cartoon expecting total insanity. But still, Googengrime, just send your grotesque undead minion after the giant insects instead of shooting giant blue beams of light from your monocle. You're only embarrassing yourself.
|Nothing can make this scene any goofier. NOTHING.|
...okay, nevermind, Googengrime. Continue shooting geriatric eye lasers at the goody-goodies. It looked stupid, but it was more effective.
|I love how everyone has to gather around to watch Spooky's misery.|
...Googie. Googie. Googie. We're seriously going to use that nickname. I'm just going to ignore the obvious attempt to force in either "creepy" or "crawly" into the dialogue, by the way. As should you.
|I wonder if he gets strange looks at the local gas station whenever he has to fill that thing up.|
Meet Colonel Ka-Boom, leading the patriotic assault against the goop-filled plastic monsters violating our nation's freedom. I can't tell you when this guy was introduced in the series (he was introduced in an episode that's not available anywhere), but his motive is easy enough to understand. See, you know how there are giant six foot tall bugs just running around and shooting lightning and sharp metallic objects in public facilities? Well, that attracted attention from the government, showing how discreet our heroes are.
And, in case you hate big paragraphs, I'll sum what I just said up. Colonel Ka-Boom is sort of like the gruff policeman in superhero cartoons that wants to uphold the law but is just misguided in his attempts, only with more tanks and missiles.
|Whenever he sees Spooky, he has horrible PSTD-induced flashbacks to when |
the Viet Cong used zombie supersoldiers.
Oh, and when Googengrime and later Chris Carter drive past Ka-Boom's jeep, the colonel gruffly reports that he won't eat or sleep until he blows those Goopmandos to pieces. Ouch. For some reason, I find that more depressing than funny that the army wants to nuke some dopey kid just because he accidentally created life with his popular children's toy.
|"If we let giant talking bugs make dated 90's references, then the terrorists have won."|
What makes this scene great is not the fact that Googengrime is essentially chastising something that can disembowel him with those sharp handcuff claws and eat his brains, but he's doing it while hitting his minion with a newspaper like he's scolding a puppy for urinating on his carpet.
|And then Googengrime locked Spooky in his kennel without giving him any treats for the night.|
|"That's not how you get out wrinkles, Master!"|
I love Spooky's face when these insults are leveled at him, by the way. Aww, I'd find this pathetic if he wasn't an undead ghoul filled with horrors. I will give this TV show a hand; this is the first time I've seen a hideous fleshless ghoul actually look unsure with his work performance and then tell his necromancer boss that he'll do much better next time. I've so been there during performance reviews.
|"Please don't dock my pay, Master! My landlord wants a cash advance next week!"|
|They laughed at him when he said that Goopology was a valid form of science. Who's laughing now?|
Okay, several questions. One, what kind of brain is in that jar? Two, why does Googengrime have a giant, preserved brain in a jar just lying around in his basement? And finally, how the hell is he going to stuff that giant organ into the two inch hole on top of the Creepy Crawler Thing-Maker? He obviously didn't plan this out.
|"With both of you talking at once, I can't decide who to glare at!"|
Uh oh. Someone got covered in dangerous yet colorful chemicals in a 90's cartoon. If Googie starts sprouting tentacles or turns into a giant insect, we know who to blame.
|Look at that face. He's expecting to turn into a mutant any minute now.|
Also, seriously Googengrime? You're firing the undead monster that you created yourself with the expressed purpose of causing crime? Where the hell is he supposed to go? Even in this day and age with anti-discrimination laws present in most workplaces, I still doubt that a giant walking skeleton will have an easy time getting a job and, with those handcuffs, he'll be unable to perform most menial tasks like flipping burgers and operating cash registers. In short, Spooky's screwed.
|The job market is unkind to the walking dead.|
Listening to the maniacal whisperings of the devil on his shoulder, Spooky then laughs evilly and says that he'll show Googie (so Spooky calls him that too?) who's really boss. Oh, good job, Googengrime. Now you have an undead monstrosity with metal claws against you. Hope you're happy. I wonder if the age-old zombie suggestion of "aim for the head" works for giant skeletons with crystal-shaped chests.
|But then a semi runs Spooky over, eliminating that threat.|
In other words, we're getting to the meat of this episode, the reason why this episode exists. Googengrime had to turn 50 feet somehow, and since this isn't Monsters Vs. Aliens (underrated movie, by the way), he certainly wasn't going to use a radioactive meteor to get this tall. That being said, seeing this in action is just so bizarre because, when everything's said and done, it's an eccentric old man that's growing five stories. That's just weird.
...also, wait. Googengrime had goop that can make whoever touches it 50 feet tall just sitting around his lair, gathering dust? Why didn't he douse Spooky with it and make a skyscraper-sized zombie? Geez, Googie, you need to actually use your instruments of evil!
|Man, imagine what the people in the high rise buildings are thinking.|
|I would pay money to see him punching buildings and eating people like in the arcade game Rampage.|
"Bah! It's one of Spooky's blasted pogs!"
Genius. Just...Genius. Pogs are still around, right? Also, how the hell was he able to grab a teeny tiny pog (POGS) if he's now a 50-foot tall giant? Must be one of those dinner plate-sized pogs I've been hearing so much about.
|"Oh look, there's Spooky's Stretch Armstrong, Sky Dancer, and Giga Pet too!"|
...personally, Googengrime, you don't really need laser eye vision anymore. You're huge. Just march up to Chris Carter's house (and he knows where it is; he has Spooky sneak there a couple of times) and have fun playing Godzilla. You can even say "Fee Fi Fo Fum" before you smash the Goopmandos into sticky goo and listen to their dying screams from inbetween your fingers.
|This Googengrime is what all true warriors strive for!|
But then we find out what the large calcium deposit is really after. Googengrime's monocle. And folks, this is where the episode gets weird. I can't believe I'm saying this after I saw a 50-year old man get covered in green Nickelodeon slime that turned him into a giant, but this is when it's time to really party.
|You can put in any song in the background and this dance will work.|
|This might be the best thing animation as a medium has ever produced.|
This is also when the cartoon decides to take a massive swerve into creepy territory, because when we check up on the Goopmandos, we find that they're enjoying a movie with immense grins on their faces. This sounds innocent, until you notice what they're watching.
|It's Ultraman's watermelon-flavored cousin!|
|Why do these bugs always look like such assholes whenever they smile?|
...also, I thought it was a report on the solar system. The Milky Way is a galaxy. I hope you enjoy your D minus, Chris.
|"Wow, watching you write your report is so interesting!"|
|I would love for an emergency news report to broadcast something not important to the plot, |
like a massive flood in another state.
And, while you're thinking about that, then remember that Googengrime is currently 50 feet tall. You're welcome.
|Let Googengrime provide a visual aide to show how big we're talking about here.|
Oh, and I might as well address the fact that between the first episode and this episode (which is the 13th episode of this show's run), two new Goopmandos were made. The green one in the far back is named Sting Ring (and he really doesn't look at all like a bug or anything really) and talks in a stereotypical "black" voice, whereas the dark blue guy is Commantis and speaks in a stereotypical Japanese accent and doesn't really do much of anything. So yeah, just when you thought that Volt Jolt wasn't racist enough, the Magic Maker crapped out guys that make him sound somewhat sensible by comparison.
|Also, whatever Sting Ring is doing back there is worrying me.|
But there's just one problem. Sammy wants to come along too! Even though she'd totally be useless against a man who can kill her by farting on her. Either way, Chris decides to show how sexist he is by saying "it's way too dangerous" and later ordering one of the bugs to stay behind and keep an eye on her. In his case, he sends in Sting Ring, probably because it'll be too distracting to fight Googengrime while staring at that malformed, bondage-wearing creature that sins against nature for too long. No, seriously, look at him! Were we expected to buy toys of this thing?
|Oh geez, please tell me those red things aren't boobs...|
After Sting Ring runs out of the room like an idiot, Sammy even has to give a sly wink to the camera as if we, the audience, were utterly incapable of figuring out that this was all a ruse on our very own. Way to assume that we're dumbasses, Sammy.
|Man, check out the poster in the background. I didn't know Chris was an anarchist!|
|"I love my Doctor Dreadful Freaky Food Lab!"|
"Wrong product, idiot!"
...but then again, maybe he just needs to learn how to harness the power of his fail. If he can blow up entire freaking buildings (oh geez, I sure hope no one was on the sidewalk when that happened), then he obviously has some sort of a gift.
|Pictured: A senseless waste of human life. Also comedy.|
|"I'm a big magician, and I want a big cereal!"|
|"Five! Five dollar! Five dollar footloooong!"|
"No one's bending down for you, Grimey!"
...do the people who compose the scripts ever read what they write out loud? And how come the censors aren't doing their jobs?
|Here's a good question. Between Chris and Googengrime, who has the lamest car?|
At this point, I could just copy the script of this episode instead of reviewing this thing, because hearing this dialogue has made me into a better person. Inform the masses.
|"Oh yeah? Well, I'm huge! Beat that!"|
I think the only good part is that, since Googie is so huge, he can just take whatever the ugly action figures can throw at him. Sounds simple enough, but the episode illustrates this by having the Goopophile stand there while Volt Jolt shoots him in the eye with lightning bolts. This show is awesome.
|"Joke's on you, Goopmandos! I'm wearing contacts!"|
|Okay, he's got the captives. Now all he needs is a giant building for him to scale while helicopters shoot at him.|
And, of course, Sting Ring and Sammy just happen to be the ones to save them all, thanks to Sting Ring's ability to magically summon wings out of nowhere (who wrote this?) and for Sammy to utilize really contrived props (why is there a truck full of industrial-sized cable just sitting right there unattended?) in order to trip Googengrime. It's a good thing everyone at the observatory vacated the area or else I'd question the logic of toppling over a fifty foot man who probably now weighs several tons and could crush someone underneath his giant, well-dressed ass.
|Oh, good job, Sammy. Googengrime just killed a tour guide.|
|And then Chris throws up all over Googengrime's hand.|
Also, what the hell was that observatory going to do with those cables anyway? Seriously, cartoon. Explain the truck full of giant spools of cable, please. It's hard for me to buy.
|Yes, I'm watching a show about giant talking bugs defeating a fifty foot tall magician and |
I'm worried about where the cable came from.
|Look at that face. You know he's going to leave something dirty on Ka-Boom's answering machine.|
|"Hello, children. Want some freshly baked nightmares?"|
|No, that's fine, Spooky. I didn't need to sleep tonight anyways.|
|So I'm watching a cartoon where a skeleton with handcuff hands is firing a monocle laser at a disembodied lobster claw while a talking hat cheers him on. I bet my parents are proud of me and my life choices.|
|I'm not sure why they'd need to recycle animation on him anyways. |
He's just a mouth on a shapeless cylinder.
Also, uh oh, Spooky turned on a TV in a cartoon. You know what that means.
|"Man, remember when MTV used to show music videos?"|
"Uh, Spooky, you were created two months ago. You shouldn't have nostalgia for anything."
Also, Ka-Boom brags that he took down Googengrime all by himself, but I'm going to allow him to say that. After all, he managed to manifest a working crane completely out of nowhere. That should account for something, right?
|"This giant monocle-wearing man is a part of an underground Communist conspiracy involving the liberals!"|
The cartoon agrees with me too, because so far this episode has been leaning heavily in Googengrime and Spooky's favor. I'm not editing this episode in any way; the Goopmandos and Chris are seriously playing second banana to the villains. And it should've been like this for the entire series.
Meanwhile, we find the Googengrime-loaded semi driving down a city street, all while Googengrime and his giant butt-chin try to negotiate with the colonel in order to let him go free because "this was all a big mistake". I love how he just casually does this while he's the size of a freakin' T-Rex and he's sitting on top of the bed of a semi. It's like, dude, it's not a complicated procedure in order to figure out that the giant-related destruction was caused by the only five story tall man in the area. It'd be pretty hard to weasel your way out of that.
|"Could you at least change the radio station? I hate this song."|
Why do I say this? Because we find out that Spooky's ingenious plan of stopping the Colonel and freeing his master involves him putting a broken car in the middle of the road and dressing up as a woman.
|...where'd he get the dress?|
A SKELETON thought that the best way to save his master was to dress up in drag, complete with a wig for his giant talking hat.
A skeleton, dressed up in drag. With a monocle.
...I think I'm done here. There's nothing I can say that can possibly add to this, other than we first saw this beautiful piece of work on Valentine's Day.
|Oh my god. This exists.|
By the way, have I mentioned that this show is awesome yet?
|He's wearing a monocle, a talking hat, and a pair of earrings. Spooky has the worst taste in fashion.|
|"I can't wait to show my teacher how much I know about the solar system in my awesome report!"|
"Uh, Chris, I'm in the same class and get the same assignments as you..."
Since there's apparently only two roads in this entire city, Spooky and his tied up cargo drives past the little dips and we have a really uninspired and unexciting chase sequence between hijacked semi and car shaped like a giant bug. I should be more interested in this, but really, after seeing Spooky in a dress and a giant wig, it feels like such a major step down. Not even Googengrime complaining like a backseat driver (he complains that Spooky ran a red light, when really, he should be amazed that the skeleton knows how to drive) when Spooky is going out of his way to rescue him can save this scene.
...maybe if Spooky was wearing a dress while all of this was going on...
|What the hell am I even watching anymore?|
Also, was Googengrime even fastened down to the semi in the first place? And really, at this point I have to wonder how Googie feels about how this day's gone by. Weirdest 24 hours he's ever lived through, no doubt.
By the way, notice the sky. Googengrime's been tied up for at least six hours. I sure hope he's been holding it in...
|"Why'd you even bring me here? I wanted my giant climatic battle at |
the abandoned warehouses by the waterfront!"
|I'm pretty sure the animators were on something.|
As you would expect, since both Spooky and Grimey are wearing magic monocles, this fight sequence happens to involve lasers. Lots and lots of eye lasers. And carnival-related props. But mostly lasers. And me slowly losing the will to live because fight scenes in this show kind of suck.
While they engage in the neccessary but not necessarily exciting episode climactic battle, I've noticed this show's quality dips whenever the Goopmandos and their relatively boring designs creep and crawl their way onscreen. And now, I totally blame them for the reason why this show wasn't more popular.
|At this point, all I can do is point at the screenshots and say that this is an actual show.|
...yes, this is really going to be the thing that saves them. Mirrors. Normal, ordinary glass attached to a wooden frame. For some reason, I feel sort of ripped off that they're not using something more elaborate, especially after how resourceful Spooky was with that dress, wig, and broken car earlier.
|To look at his legs is to gaze into madness itself.|
Also, when this happens, Googengrime drops the telescope lens to the observatory, shattering both it and the hopes and dreams of the city's astrologists to pieces. Good going, Chris. Unless if you want to shell out the thousands of dollars to replace that lens, you just rendered an important public facility completely useless. Jerk.
|This show had a really big laser fetish.|
...wait, why did the magic monocle laser shot from the talking green skeleton shrink him? Writers, stop chasing the dragon and write something at least somewhat coherent!
|Awww, I want my own pet Googengrime.|
But wait, what about Chris's report on the solar system? I'm literally on the edge of my seat figuring out what happened to Chris's report!
Oh, don't worry, because we cut to Chris's house and find out that he's vigorously typing on a really weird-looking typewriter (okay, I know there were computers back then. Why this clunker, Chris?) and finishes his report right then and there. And, apparently Chris is enrolled in a upper division college class, because his paper looks like its at least 30 pages long, judging from the massive stack of papers Sammy is holding.
|Way for Sammy to help with the ever-important task of holding Chris's papers!|
Hah hah, that's what you get for going on about your report, Chris. Now you'll have to take a failing grade for your missing paper and have to be held back a year!
|It's funny because the Goopmandos are dicks.|
But it could be worse. Chris could have Spooky's relationship.
The Moral of this Cartoon
Always properly store your magically-infused goop, or else you could turn into a freakish giant.
Also, don't procrastinate on important papers about the solar system.
This is the episode that made me wish this show was more popular, because crazy genius like this must not go ignored.
I feel that the focus on Googengrime and Spooky worked in this episode's favor, because these villains are incredibly fun to watch. The entire plot was cracktastic and they really used the whole "giant" plot in a way that was interesting, the expressions were incredibly funny, and Spooky in particular with his bumbling attempts to be useful were just adorable. The Goopmandos, to me, work best when they're not in the spotlight, because quite a few of them can get annoying if there's too much of them onscreen.
Yeah, this show isn't the best show out there and it's certainly not that well-animated, but what the hell. It's fun, it's crazy, and there's great characters in it. In terms of the series as a whole, this might be my favorite episode. And I can be sure of that since there's what, like five episodes in a language I can understand on the entire Internet?
Not much more to say other than it was a fun episode, this is a fun show, and it's hard to hate something like this because it's so earnest in its gleeful insanity.
And, to end my review, here's a picture of Spooky and Googengrime's action figures on eBay.
|Oh, and the Googengrime action figure looks nothing like the Googengrime on the show.|
Yes, apparently this show is so rare that the toys are collector's items now. Happy shopping!