That, and it's just too easy to point and laugh at the fact that the movie makers thought that any of these plot developments were a good idea. I mean, sure, I guess you can give them points for creativity by having the princess rescue plot take place in a circus filled with tap-dancing mice hybrids, a giant spacelizard who honestly outstages the actual villain, and radioactive interdimensional mud mutants, but yeah, so far my opinion on this movie is that it's crazy but poorly animated movie that would have some great ideas if it wasn't attached to a brand name that it's not doing any justice to.
And it's only going to get crazier and even more badly animated from here on out. The good news is that I have only one or two more parts to do of this movie, but the bad news is that I'm getting to the parts where the movie starts to lose momentum and, if possible, get even worse. I have to wonder if this movie was on a tight "don't spend ANY money at all!" budget once we leave the circus portion because it really shows. The animation starts to drop in quality (even more than before), the plot starts to fall apart onscreen, characters stop being characters and just meander on the screen just to exist, and well...okay, perhaps I'm giving too much away.
This part of the movie, unlike the previous part I just did, actually has the princess and the Duke of Zill. And you'll see why this is a bad thing once we dive into the glittery, badly-animated mushiness that is...
Felix the Cat: The Movie Part 3!
The last time I talked about Felix the Cat, he was forced into slavery by an overweight dinosaur monster named Wack Lizardi (whose last name implies he was probably once some Italian businessmen from our world until he fell into a Dimensporter and mutated from the radiation) and the squeaky falsetto-talking cat rose into fame once his circus performances became a hit with the swampdemons that regularly visit the Progress City Fan-A-Tic Circus. Felix told stand-up comedy, sat on the sidelines while mice/lizard mutants tap-danced for waaaay too long, and just overall twiddled his thumbs and frittered around when he could be saving Oriana.
Overall, Part 2 was basically the movie taking its time to get to the damn point. It's like it knew the main villain and the main heroine were terrible so it thought that by entertaining the poor, suffering audience with a bad guy that actually has some personality and a human whose animation isn't completely abysmal (Pim's animation is merely bad, instead of pastelike horribleness like Grumper and the Princess), we'd temporarily forget the Duke of Zill and Princess Rotoscope ever existed.
But alas, such things were not meant to be, because I'm going to start Part 3 with the most remembered part of the movie, the Princess dance. Chances are, if you've seen this on the Disney channel in the early 90's, you know what I'm talking about.
|At least now the Princess can journey through Hydrocity Zone safely.|
|Also, that crown makes it look like she has chest hair.|
Course, the movie assumes the audience has the short-term memory of a Pixar fish because they have to leave a very blatant note on the establishing Oriana shot to let us know that we, the audience, are in fact looking at the Kingdom of Oriana again.
|No, really? I thought we were checking in on The Professor and Poindexter with this background shot.|
|"Wow, these MTV music videos get worse every year."|
In a way, Grumper's like the tragic Shakespearean hero of this movie, because he seeks to change what is corrupt but in the end, nothing is for the better and he ends up facing the guillotine for speaking out against a fraudulent monarchy. I just wish his animation wasn't so mushy, he had more lines of dialogue, and he had a better design.
|50 years later, long after the Oriana government had crumbled under a violent peasant revolution,|
Grumper's essays gained a new audience and he became hailed as a martyr.
|"You want to do WHAT to her? My god, man, she's your niece!"|
|The world's first watermelon-flavored circus!|
...why do I want Felix the Cat to save her again, movie?
|"I'm lost. What does this movie have to do with the Felix the Cat brand name again?"|
|My, it sure is pink in here.|
Also, Felix sure is confident for someone who couldn't even deal with the Turbles and only managed to escape that manta ray/shark monster earlier just from sheer chance. Not too confident on Felix's chances of survival here.
|"I never passed the third grade and even I think you're dumb."|
|"I'm sorry the princess was so rude to you. You know how these celebrities are."|
Also, how the hell did Poindexter and The Professor make it so far into Progress City without getting disemboweled by the Cylinders? It's not like The Professor is the stealthiest person alive, what with his creaky joints and his inability to talk in an indoor voice.
|This shot in particular must've absorbed like 80% of the budget because it looks surprisingly badass.|
|And then my opinion on The Professor instantly changed.|
Also the camera focuses on that pink alien drunk (my guess for species is pig/kangaroo/gazelle) for way too long. Okay, movie, I see how it is. You can spare all the time in the world to a random bum drinking himself into a stupor and yet you severely cut off Face to the Wind. How is this fair?
|Pictured: A self-portrait of this movie's animators.|
After they try and fail to steal a large hunk of cheese that wondrously materialized in Felix's room just for this scene (Was that cheese meant for Felix? Why are there fancy deli cheese platters in a circus?), Felix catches them and introduces himself to them, hoping to distract them while he digs for his Tabasco bottle and salt shaker.
|And after he seasons them, he tosses them around in the air a couple times before finally biting down.|
|So Wack can't afford mattresses and yet he can afford fancy, imported cheeses?|
Just so we're clear, Progress City has half-lizard, half-mice hybrids that can eat through steel in their search for food. I have to wonder if this breeding pair has like 500 children, all of them causing millions of dollars in structural damage to various homes throughout the city. Imagine if these creatures thought that hospital equipment, a bank vault, or a power generator had food inside. Imagine what their teeth can do to you if you cornered one in your apartment and it tried to fight back.
|Yeah, I don't care if they can talk or dance around, if I see one in my house, I'm breaking out|
the poison and traps.
|I also noticed that the circus workers are ordinary animals but the Progress City residents are deformed|
aberrations. I guess some plot point got cut midway through production.
Also, eww, what did I just imply?
|"Come on, Cinderelly! We gotta make your dress in time for the ball!"|
Okay, maybe she'll be nicer when Felix describes a magic tear and that he's from another dimension, then? Still no, because when that happens, she shouts "You're the dark stranger?" like she can't believe it and laughs in Felix's face. I guess Felix is just a sucker for a Rotoscoped face, because I'm sure otherwise he would've just let her ungrateful ass rot in that cell. I know I would.
|Oh, everything has to be about you, bland monotone-faced princess.|
|The animation in this movie slowly gets worse and worse as time goes on, unfortunately.|
We then cut to the outside, and although there's clearly sneaking footsteps sounds on the audio, it just shows a blank background with no character animation to accompany the sound effects. Whoops. This is why we hire editors, movie!
|So, did Wack always have these pod-shaped rooms or were they given to him from|
the Duke once he started housing prisoners?
Supposedly this is going to influence Pim turning good, hearing the Princess cry and moan about how hard it is being a princess with her glistening golden hair and pristine white skin, but they could've approached this in a way that was a lot less creepy and stalkerish. I'm guessing this is the reason why Wack wanted to talk to Pim earlier. I bet that rhino tightrope walker from earlier complained about the heavy breathing she's been hearing near her room.
|"Since she's busy, I can sneak right in there and steal some of her mighty purdy undergarments."|
Unfortunately, this movie has the worst kind of backstory; the kind that, instead of answering questions, just creates new ones. Every single chapter in her book just further confuses me so I have no choice but to go over almost every single sepia photograph this thing has. Now you, the reader, know exactly what Felix is experiencing, only there isn't any metal-munching vermin sitting next to you wasting oxygen.
|"I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me but I can't help it that I'm so popular."|
Also it's really sad that Princess Oriana looks a lot better in the sepia photograph than she does animated. I probably helps that she looks better in that outfit than whatever the hell she's wearing to bed.
|"I know you wanted a pony for your birthday, sweetie, but I |
got you the next best thing. A dwarf street performer!"
Also, it's a bad sign that I would've vastly preferred this look to what we got with the Duke of Zill. It's not completely over-the-top in menace, and I bet I would take the Duke of Zill more seriously if he looked like a grizzled old scientist instead of Mysterio's brother from San Francisco.
|"I hope that when I become an evil dictator, I can wear a giant helmet that looks like an iron butt."|
So wait, Grumper and the Duke were once scientists? Why wasn't any of that in the movie? Did Grumper decide to stop being a scientist and go into politics out of respect for his friend? Is Grumper even related to the Duke or is he just a friend? I think Princess Oriana needs to slow down her storytelling because so far she's introduced like 50 million dangling plot threads and maybe solved like one and a half.
|I bet he was popular with the ladies.|
|Grumper was shielded from harm by The Power of Ugly.|
Also, the accident destroyed his sense of subtlety because the next sepia picture has him posing with what looks to be a sash made out of bullets. Okay, Duke, we get it. You love war and possibly eating puppies. Did you have to make it so screaming obvious?
|He's missing his "I <3 Death" shirt and the foam novelty hat shaped like a military tank.|
And when she continues, it shows The King pointing to the Dimensporter and honestly looking like he's dying right then and there. How DID The King die anyways? Why does Princess Oriana look so calm and nonchalant while her dad is in a wheelchair perishing right at her feet? And why does the king look like he's the only one that aged?
|"Yeah, uh huh, sure thing daddy, you're dying. Gotcha. Can we go to the mall now?"|
Hey, uh, movie? If you have a plot point this important, you might want to foreshadow it, or at least mention it a little bit earlier than an hour into the film!
|A book within a book? Bookception!|
|I love how he refuses to let go of his silly-looking crown scepter even when stomping|
through muddy wastelands.
I will admit, this movie is the first movie I've seen where a peaceful, if slightly repulsive and stupid race was conquered by an evil overlord and the magical princess/damsel in distress just does not give a crap. It's rather hypocritical that she whines about her poor country when the Land of Zill is under even worse subjugation and she's not going to do anything about it. At least your kingdom has indoor plumbing and decent air quality, princess.
|There needs to be more rain special effects! I can still make out some figures!|
There's some faint love song in the background, hearts materialize out of thin air, but no, movie, I'm not buying it. I feel dirty all over for saying this, but Wack Lizardi had more chemistry with Felix than the Princess does. Felix may be annoying but even he's too good for Princess Oriana.
|"Oh my god, I'm tripping balls!"|
That, or Pim wasn't so stealthy as he thought he was and Felix knew all about the creepy little midget spying on them with one hand jammed down his pants.
|"Yeah, don't go acting all friendly to me after shoving me into that carnivorous plant. I |
hope you catch a swamp disease and die!"
What's funny is that the grizzled little idiot doesn't actually give an example of how bad Wack is treating him and sounds more like he's complaining that his boss is giving him chores and telling him what to do. That's kind of what you're supposed to do on a job, Pim. You're basically doing what every teenager working at McDonald's ends up doing, only you're whining about it to a giant talking cat instead of on a Tumblr or Livejournal account.
|Felix isn't even paying attention. He's too busy thinking about how many ways he can bone the princess.|
In other words, Princess Oriana sucks and you suck for supporting her, Felix.
|But then again, a cat and a senior citizen from a swamp aren't too bothered by politics.|
Plus their costumes are adorable. The Professor is disguised as a giant space pig, and Poindexter is cosplaying as Wack's living whip pet. Not sure how they were able to make those costumes, but I guess one could assume that Poindexter invented an Attire Ray in his spare time, considering how deux ex machina-ish his machines can be.
|What Jim Henson sees whenever he drops acid.|
|"Sir, no outside food is allowed in the circus."|
Ha ha, it's funny because these creatures could be living in a lot more sanitary conditions, but thanks to their merciless dictator, their life spans are severely shortened! Silly Zillians; no one cares about you because you look different from us.
|Wack must have some powerful lawyers in order to avoid all those lawsuits.|
Well, no, because here is where I'm stopping Part 3. Think Part 3 was strange? Part 4 is where the animators pull out all the stops and show us, the viewers, just how many lows they can sink and just how badly they can animate the rest of the movie.
See you in Part 4, which will have the ending of both this movie and my feeling of self-worth.
Looks like The Book of Ultimate Power contains Part 4!